The Frank Skinner Show - The Styles Boy

Episode Date: February 22, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily have been to the BRITs and Frank has had a toothbrush disaster. The team also discuss a travelling full English breakfast, pint glasses and chew balls.

Hello, this is Frank Skinner. Look, I'm going back on the road again. I know, I know, with my show, uh, showbiz. I've finished the London thing and I just want to go back to the places that we didn't do on the national tour and places that sold out like super quick. Um, witnesses, that's what I'm after. Anyway, look, if you fancy coming to see me, I thought I'd let you know that there's a, there's a, you know, I've never typed in one of these in my life, but I'm going to do it for you. There's an address. It's www.absoluteradio.co.uk slash tickets. It's like one of those proper things. And if you, if you type that in, you'll see where I'm playing and when and all the possible details you could need. I'd love to see you.

And who knows, you might even like to see me. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We are not live this week, so do not text the show. That was me reading block capitals. It always makes me more staccato.

Yeah. But you can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, and you can still email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I don't know, you'll do the latter. Well, they have been. OK. We've had...

I'd like to kick off with uh alan in cornwall alan he's cornwall that's like you know when you're seven and if someone's got the same name as your birthday it's quite exciting it's so exciting oh birthday yeah when i found out akka bilk and me had got the same birthday it's quite a moment is that right that right? Yeah. Do you know Acker Bilk, the jazz clarinetist? No, but thanks for the tip. I don't know if that works. I would like to know if Frank has seen the Australian ABC TV show, Whovians.

What's it about? It is a real Doctor Who appreciation programme, talking about the last broadcast episode and their theories on where the story is heading. I can just see Frank in the host's chair of a British version. Really enjoyed Frank on tour when he was in Torquay. Sorry, redacting that last bit. Thank you, Alan.

I like the fact that they said it's a real Doctor Who appreciation programme, like all the others are about the fake Doctor Who. Isn't there a game called Real Tennis? Is it like that? I suppose what they mean is people speak from the heart. You know, because they review Doctor Who in Doctor Who magazine

and it's slightly difficult for them because they can't say oh, actually this didn't work because they're Doctor Who magazine. I know, I must renew my subscription to that. Mine has lapsed. Mine certainly has not. Is it a physical magazine?

Of course it is. But let me tell you something. I put this proposal to BBC iPlayer that I would host a show which went out immediately after Doctor Who in which me and some other

Doctor Who fans talked about that episode. Okay. Like an extra slice type thing. Yeah. And for some reason they didn't think those people would be TV friendly. Inside the TARDIS or something like that. I bet you had a good name for it didn't you those people would be TV friendly. Inside the TARDIS or something like that. I bet you had a good name for it, didn't you?

Oh, I say... You don't want to use it up on air? I can't remember it. I would use it up on air because it got one of the firmest no's I've ever had. Did it? Yeah, they were very anti. Frank, it's so cruel because you people should... You know, you're allowed your time in the sun

like every other normal person. Exactly. I thought we were all supposed to be accepted nowadays. Yeah. They've got serum for hair to tame it and stuff. They have quite wild hair, some of the fans. We could bring our slightly overused plastic carrier bags where the original designs have started to crack

and fade. And look, that way of dressing airplane collars are back in fashion now. Anyway, it was stop. It was shot down in flames. So that was that. I think they said that they couldn't have

something that was being negative about a BB. Not saying it would have been, but it would have been honest was the idea. We didn't want it to be a puff piece by any means. A puff piece, I should say, is a bit where you do and you just pray something up. You both knew that, didn't you?

Yes, I always thought it was a puff piece, but never mind. Oh, what's the difference? It's quite significant, but anyway. I think it's the difference? It's quite significant but anyway. I think it's the difference between you and double O. Okay. Yeah, because you seven, the secret agent.

Yes. It's the difference. Not a thing. It's the difference between having a job and not having one. He was much bland, very, very positive about both MI5 and MI6 regardless of how they treated him. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Anyway, it was a no. But thank you for reminding me of that particular failure. Oh. I'd say it was one of the earliest cards to tumble on my career house of cards. Well, we haven't even got started on the Brits yet. Oh, well. Let's put that off as long as we can.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. My family have been away this half-term week. I stayed alone in my flat,

which can be a lovely treat, of course. I've been working, but you know. It can also be an indication of regression in terms of the domestic standards, can't it? I would say the flat is immaculate for the whole time my partner and my child is away. Is that right? And I would say that Kath, when she returns, will say, oh, I'm starving.

And when I go back in the kitchen, it looks as if it was the closing scene from the David Mamet play, American Buffalo, when he wrecks a junk shop. Mamet doesn't get enough airtime on commercial radio in the United Kingdom. No, what's wrong with it? What's that anti-mammoth? But, um, oh, I had a bit of rennet this week.

I'm very partial to that. Did you? Somebody bought me some cheese. Bit of heartburn. It just said, um, it just said contents, milk, rennet. I thought, whoa, that's so basic.

Yes. I didn't really know what rennet was. I'd heard of it. Well, it sounds very medieval cafe. Yes. Maybe it was one of their medieval range. I'll have some mead and a side order of rennet. Yeah.

I think rennet is a sort of stiffener. What was that stuff you ordered that time we went out for steaks? Was it bone marrow starter? That was pretty medieval, wasn't it? And you didn't like it, but you were too proud to admit it. Oh, I think I said it was disgusting. And that's why radio were taking us for dinner. I'd say it wasn't that I was proud,

but the man who was paying for it was sitting with us. Yeah, it does change things, doesn't it? But it was like somebody had made a sort of Game of Thrones bone goblet of fat for me to drink. Like it was shorts. If there was such a thing as animal fat slammers, that's what it was like. Animal fat slammers, surely is an American football star oh yeah anyway so they were away

and I I still clean my teeth when they're away do you want a medal? I think it's important to try and maintain standards in all do you ever use the black toothpaste?

I do. I use charcoal toothpaste. That's why I regularly... Funny though, I mean, I've wondered... I had it on the other day. I was using the charcoal toothpaste. And then I had sort of Dracula sort of drips coming down my white robe. Oh, the dribble.

Do you get black dribble? I don't like black dribble. Don't sound like it's normal. Yeah, well... It't like black dribble. Don't sound like it's normal. Yeah, well... It's like my last moments. I was going to try it in Superdrug, and then they had a buy one, get one free. It's one of those when I went to the counter,

and the girl said, oh, this is... And I said, OK. And she actually dashed off and got me another one. That was nice of her. It was, lovely. But that's very medieval. You've got your charcoal toothpaste. And I said, oh, thank you very dashed off and got me another one. That was nice of her. It was, lovely. But that's very medieval. You've got your charcoal toothpaste.

And I said, oh, thank you very much. No, I didn't. No, I didn't. I said, thank you. So you cleaned your teeth? So I cleaned my teeth. Now, the thing is when you use a brush regularly with a charcoal toothbrush is the bristles get a bit...

Lackened? Yeah. That's what they get. Sorry. They move from sort of Billy Idol to more brunette. All right. More Simon Cowell. And so I cleaned my teeth before I went to bed.

Sure enough, I was getting ready. I had a big night out. I went to the Brits this week. Wow. With Emily Dean. Of which more later. I'm sure. So I was brushing my teeth in anticipation,

just before I went to the Brits, because I think you've got to make... Don't count your chickens, mate. I'm all right. You know, making effort for the red carpet type scenario. I don't like him brushing his teeth before I come round. Yeah. Creepy.

Anyway, something went wrong. I think the song, isn't there a song that goes, someone's rocking my dream boat, and then there's a line that goes, suddenly something went wrong. Well, that happened with the teeth washing, which I will explain. Did I say washing?

Does one ever wash one's teeth as opposed to brush them? Maybe I'll start doing that. Just a little bit of the cloth at the start. Sarah, can you look up tooth flannels on Amazon? I'll come back and I'll tell you what went wrong, Alan. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, can we talk about the Brits? Hold on, we're on a cliffhanger of Frank's teeth cleaning.

Oh, yeah. Pre-Brits. Pay attention. We're on a Brit starter, I believe. So, yeah, so after I finish my pre-Brit tooth clean, I put down the toothbrush and noticed it had old written on it in Sharpie. And I realised it was the toothbrush that Kath cleans Bz's football boots with. Good for your immunity.

I'm taking a positive spin on this. What I would say is anyone I spoke to at the Brits, many people from Absolute, occasional celebrity, that smell of soil and dog excrement was me. So don't you go and get worried about that. She said, oh, there's fox poo and everything on it.

Yeah, well, you know, he plays in a public park. It's not like it's some closed football ground. Yeah. But the thing is, I'd used it the night before as well. So you'd built up an immunity. Yeah, well, I'm on it. Yeah.

It reminded me of a story which I may have told you before, but I love because everything about this anecdote is so dated. It really does feel like it should be in the Children's Museum in Bethnal Green. That's nice. When I was off school in the holidays, I watched a programme called Jackanory. Oh, yes.

Which used to be a celebrity just reading a story. I mean, that was it. Yeah. And very low-fi. And the celebrity, incredibly, was Clement Freud, who was a Liberal MP.

Yeah. And who famously spoke like this. That was a bit more Joe Brown, but it was, yeah. Anyway, he told a story, and he was also a chef. So at the end of the story, he told the viewers how to make onion soup. Did he? And all you had to do, he said, was you put onions in the saucepan and boil it for about two hours.

And then you drink. It was more of a looking back. It was more of a consomme. But he didn't dare use that on children's television. So I did it. Did you? And it was summer holidays, so my mum and dad were at work. So I potted around.

Most of the saucepans had got last night's dinner and that's still in them. But I did find a clean one, so I boiled it for ages and drank it. And it was pretty grim, as you can imagine. It's not much of a recipe that doesn't sound strong on flavor no seasoning well you say that but anyway my mom got in and went into the uh well that it's complicated but the cooker was in the bathroom and um fusion my mom said who's been messing with that saucepan I use to boil the handkerchiefs in?

Ah! Now, does anyone boil handkerchiefs anymore? Does anyone use handkerchiefs? No one uses them. And also, handkerchiefs? Is that the plural? Or is it handkerchiefs? Oh, it's got to be chiefs.

I think she was right. Well, if you said chiefs of the tribe, you wouldn't say chiefs. Well, speak for yourself. Handkerchief, the whole word. You can't say handkerchief. The whole word's a mystery. To hanker for something is to long for it.

So a handkerchief is like your main longing i suppose when you want to wipe your nose it is quite potent you're right can i add one some reason that story makes me more queasy than your uh football boots brush story yeah i can i'm with you my brother-in-law, Frank, always used to say, this was one of his sayings, he didn't have many sayings, he was a young bloke,

you don't really get regular sayings until you get older. But he used to say, he'd say that they always say that you eat a sack of dirt before you die. And this, I found a tremendous solace post-onions. Yeah, yeah.

And I thought of it again post-football boot before tooth clean. So just for clarity, you set off to the Brits thinking you eat a sack of dirt before you die. I did.

That's what praised you for the evening. I did. And also, I used to pride myself that I was the only person in Britain a sack of dirt before you die. I did. That's what praised you for the evening. I did. That was nice for me. I used to pride myself that I was the only person in Britain who'd gone to the Brits on an over-60s travel card. And I'm not certain that that's true, but I'm fairly confident I'm the first person to go to the Brits who has just cleaned their teeth with a football boot toothbrush

I think I've got to be I've got to be I mean there'd be no more than a handful of us Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So yeah so I, me and

Emily, Emily and I went to the Brits. Sorry, I only had two tickets. That's okay. I will say this, though. You didn't go to the Brits for a long time, and then you've definitely started to go back, haven't you? You've really returned with a plumb, as it were.

How dare you? I looked amazing that night. Yeah, as many of you will know, I died horribly at the Brits many years ago. And that did put me... I don't think I could even watch it on telly. I will say this, that was a big pause that I wasn't going to interject with what you were going to say.

But, yeah, I'm over it now. Frank, you need to take Al at one point, because A, because I think he might be a bit jellybags, and B, because he could crack out a nice black tie judo, like a silk black. Oh, that'd be good, yeah. That'd be lovely. The martial arts and the black silk.

I imagine him in a Nehru. Oh, yes. Nehru collar. Like Steven Seagal. Like when you see Bruce Lee on a night out. Yeah, I could do that. I don't think I should go, though, because I really struggle with who they all are.

I think I'd be one of those people that makes an awful gaffe. They're an ounce. They are an ounce. But even just when you're milling about, I think I'd probably ask one of them for a drink and then it'd turn out they were a mega star. There's no milling. There's no milling. They don't really...

We're on the absolute table and people don't really come over. Oh, OK. I sat next to Fleur East. Would you have known who that was? She was lovely. Oh, God, I've watched her live lounge. Yeah. Can I say, I arrived at Frank's.

I loved his look. I loved his look. I might have seen photography of that. It was very... It's about when I lost the power of speech. I thought it was W.H. Auden, a bit sort of 1950s English professor. Yes, I think I described it in an interview as a struggling architect. It was absolutely lovely.

It was the little meet Bertrand Russell or something. But I was worried, Al, because I, you know, cats away. Oh, yeah. And when the cats away. While the cats away. Mites on a v-neck. The mites will, that's what Chris Eubank said.

Yes. And entering a man's abode in four-inch heels and glitter eyeshadow could lead neighbours to draw conclusions. Yes. They could think I was in a 70s glam rock band. Exactly. So as we left, Frank was lovely.

I should say, you know, I'm in a flat at the moment. Yes. And so Emily came round and we're on the third floor. So you have to walk past a few other flats and there's often residents making their way to their own little homes yeah and we as we left we ran into a neighbor and i did feel a bit para i just thought i wanted to i wanted to save frank's reputation i wanted to put him off the scent and preserve cath's dignity so i just said very loudly as we descended the stairs, oh, I must ring Kath, Frank. And Frank went, what?

Yeah. And he then said, you thought I drew too much attention to it and I made it look suspicious. To me, it looked like someone who was up to no good saying, oh, of course, I know his girlfriend and there's nothing going on. Which, why would you say that? Yeah. But anyway, it's out there now. Did you then follow it up by loudly

discussing the joys of platonic friendship? Exactly. I did do that to the driver on the way home. I said, do you know we've been friends all this time and it's so lovely to have a platonic male friend. Yeah, why are we so anxious? The driver, I have to say

rather wonderfully drove us out there and we'd agreed to the red carpet for Bower. I don't do much red carpet nowadays. Not that I've asked much. I mean, let's be honest. But we agreed to the red

carpet, you know, we want to fly the flag. Yeah. And the Bauer flag. Can I say, Bauer were very nice to us. They sent a lovely car. And the man who drove it was very nice. And then he drove us into what was sort of a disused precinct. Sort of thing where Batman

might suddenly appear to rescue someone. And he said very jauntily, here we are. And I thought, well, considering that Harry Styles and people like that were there, I thought,

if they're going to kidnap someone, this is a bit left field, isn't it? But I did, I wasn't going to get out. Nothing would have made me get out there. Frank said, I liked it when Frank said that, because he said, I think there might be a VIP entrance. I did. I was driven to say that.

Literally driven. But, you know, to save one's own life. If you'd have gone out there in that outfit, me and my struggling architect, the locals would have emerged from their... Right, or feral. Yeah, from their caves. And ripped us apart,

just like when a beautiful bird escapes and goes into the garden and is torn apart by sparrows and starlings who are affronted by its exotic colouring. That's what would have happened, but we avoided that. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Al, when we walked in, we were...

Hold on, I have another point here. Go on. Can I say, we did have a VIP parking pass. Right. You wanted to make that point, Al. And there on the top were the emblazoned names, Gemma Atkinson and Wes Butters. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, so... Do you know Wes Butters? No, but thanks for the tip. I mean, I actually don't know. No. Well, Gemma, I think, does one of our Bauer... Yes. Oh, really?

She was in Hollyoaks originally and then Strictly. I thought the producer was going to leap to my aid then, but, you know, she did nothing. So I don't know which show she does, but I gather she's... Well, she got a car. And had the driver made the... driven to the postcode,

but not actually to the location? I don't... You know what, I gave him the pass. I don't think he saw the map. It was fine, because then he took us to the red carpet. Well, that's nice. We knew we were in the right place. And then...

I mean, I wasn't the dark priest. I mean, I know, I know you eat a sack of dirt before you die. You do? But I didn't want to do it all in one go. Also, at the risk of sounding very clichéd, I mean, my shoes wouldn't have carried me that far, Frank. Oh, right. With the tottering...

I had gold spindles. It was... He's the man, the man with the golden shoe. And they're quite new. Nice. When we arrived, Frank got a lovely cheer from behind the barricades. I don't think they knew who I was.

It was the Phantom of the Opera. I thought it was speculative. Well, they could have been members of the Samuel Johnson Society. They were very young, they were very young, sort of beautiful boys and girl type teams. Oh, in that case, Doctor Who fans.

Did anybody shout something like, Legend! No. legend no they cheered when he came oh excellent yeah i think i i would guess they didn't know who um either of us maybe they thought you're a piece of not me yeah they could have i could have got i could have they might have just liked my dress. Any Capaldi would have done them that night. Yeah. And then, sorry if this is dragging on, but if you've got a story, tell it. Hey, we don't normally make that apology on Saturday mornings. How come we're doing it on a pre-record? That's what Homer said to me. Abby Clancy appeared out of nowhere.

Lovely. Yes, she's lovely. And she said... That'll be the dance training. She said, I'm going to talk to you this time. Did she? Because you remember? Oh, yeah.

Oh, God, it was like being in Letter to Brezhnev. The last time I sat opposite her and her husband, P. Crouch. Yeah. Yes. And I was too nervous to approach Crouch. Yeah. Yes. And I was too nervous to approach Crouch. Oh, lovely Frank. And then we found out later that he

felt the same and so we sat in silence. And both of you borderline national treasures as well. Well, I know. Well, you know. Can I? I was excited to see her. I mean, she hasn't played for England but it was easier on the neck muscles the conversation

she looked can I still say this I don't think I can say it maybe not a sacking but a written reprimand Stone Cold Fox I don't know what that means it's good

the producer nodded there's something I would like to discuss at some point, which is, you know you and I had an awkward moment at the British Museum? Yes. Frank had an awkward moment at the Brits. I'm all ears. Do you mean the... We'll discuss it.

Oh, yeah. Do you mean it was the food? Yeah. We're going to discuss that? Yep. Okay. Hold on to your seats. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We're not live this week, so do not text the show. That's how I read Block Capitals. But you can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram. See, I've gone sort of slightly more genial.

Lowercase. Yeah, that's at Frank on the radio. Or you can... That was italics. That was maybe too reduced. Interesting that your reading of block capitals is less shouty than other people's. I often shout.

I often shout when I'm reading block capitals. I never trust people that use caps when they write. I think there's something very odd. Don't you? You know, I can honestly say that I have had an iPhone for what 10, 12 years

I've never worked out caps lock so if I do a word in caps I have to go back and individually lock each letter like some kind of like a balm pot. Yeah, so

I still don't know. Anyone can tell me. I'm pretty sure we've told you before but it's obviously not gone in. Yeah, I think so. I have a vague memory that we talked in the days when Daisy was to produce and she told me in a slightly reprimanding you know, angry dinner lady kind of tone.

But I don't. That might have been me, angry dinner lady kind of tone. But I don't... That might have been me. That might have been, and I never worked it out. What about the umlaut? Have you found the umlaut or had any use for it on the TV? I do, I've found... That's like an Easter egg on a DVD. Well, it's Urzel.

Urzel made me have to go down, have to discover it. Oh, yes. Oh, me little Aunt Sally. I, um, tell you what I can because the word I use a lot on texts is manana. Yes. You do a lot.

And I found out how to do that with its the accent, you know, the fancy accent. I noticed last time you sent me a manana it had the accent, and I do remember thinking, oh, well done, Frank. No, I was pleased with that. You get offered, weirdly, you get offered manana without it,

and with it. Who's going to have manana? Well, then it's a bit more... Yeah, exactly. I don't know why they have two. It's some sort of manana split. They've done a manana... And we're back to food.

We're back to food. Alan, do you want to hear about that? I want to talk about food. Yeah. Because... I love chatting about food. Alan, do you want to hear about what happened? We were on table 78, Bauer.

78, okay. I'm up to speed. And... As they led us through they said it's a bit of a walk oh not a good sign but it was actually a great table no I liked our table I tell you what can I tell you something

and this is something that Emily spotted and it really made me laugh upstairs is where the public sit I'm going to call them the public you know who you are. And they light the aisles with steps. It's quite raked, the public area. Anyone who's been to the O2 will have seen that.

It's steep. So they don't light the seating, but they light the steps going up if you want to go enough. It's a safety precaution, probably. going up if you want to go and have caution probably and so people every now and again you'd see

sometimes there'd be people who were struggling up, they're older or bigger people struggling up and Emily pointed out that it really looked like when the desperate people went into the spaceship

at the end of Close Encounters. And every time I looked up there, it was the gif that kept on giving. Nice. Frank said at one point, Frank got so involved in their narrative, Al, you could just see this sort of dramatic shaft of light on the aisle and we'd look up at them and you'd see a lone shadowed figure walking up the stairs

and Frank would say, oh it's awful, they think they're going to be saved they're going to be experimented on. It's the desperate people whose time on earth have been miserable. It's the hope that kills you. But they haven't seen nothing yet, exactly. It's not, it's actually the aliens that kill you.

You're right. So anyway, look we sat with Tom and Daisy from Kiss Breakfast, who I'd never met before. Right. And I did a joke, which I think I've done on this show before, is that the starter was a little square and a little... Oh, no, the main course, rather. The starter was four

different types of cauliflower. It looked like a storyboard for the Elephant Man movie. Anyway, the second one was like a circle and a square and a tubular thing. And I said, it looks like a Star Wars village. Right. And Tom, the Kiss FM, said, I'm going to do that joke tomorrow. And not only am I going to do it, but I'm not going to credit you for it. I'm going to say it was mine. I vomited at that point. Well, that was that evening, Don.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I feel somewhat on tenterhooks at this anecdote of barefaced joke theft threat. I'm wondering if it's trolling or was sincerity the order of the day? I think it was a lot harder to do. Yes. And do you want to know what Frank said? If you do that, I'm going to kill you.

Something like that? No, I would never say that. No, you'd never say that. What you said was, if you do that, I'll have you taken off air. I don't think I actually have that kind of... Kill your career. I was one out. I don't have that kind of push.

No, but that's one of the things that happens when you threaten people is that, you know... You build yourself up. Exactly. I expanded. I expanded to fill the space. He just went a bit Robert De Niro and Goodfellas. Well, I didn't know the baseball hat.

No. Everything else about Tom seemed nice. And then he spoke to me after and said, can I get a photo? He was lovely. And he said, I am going to do that joke tomorrow. He didn't. He went back for a second round of the trolling. And I said, are you going to credit me?

And he said, yeah, yeah, I will. I will credit you. And he said, what was the exact wording of it again? Because I know it's important in comedy to get the wording right. No. He was going to quote you. This is all very tongue in cheek surely. It didn't feel very tongue in cheek. Well

we did enjoy, we had Daisy who looked charming as well do you know what? I felt like Frank and I Look I don't want to shoot Tom down in flames. I think it was not everyone hangs around... Professional comedians are a bit different. You say to a professional comedian,

I'm going to use that joke tomorrow, I'm not credity, you might as well say to them, you know that toothbrush you just used? Yeah. Et cetera, et cetera. I mean, you know, it's... It's worse. I can't think of...

It's worse. But that's why he must have been joking. I think he knew that. I'd rather clean my teeth with dog dirt. Well, you do as it turns out. That's what I did, isn't it? You don't have to be forced into that. Accidentally.

But I mean just an actual one sitting on the bristles. All right. We've had a number of people ask... Look, I don't want to leave this bad with Tom because he was nice and he did say it was genuinely nice to meet me but of course it meant I felt a bit cramped for the rest of the evening

so I thought I don't want to say anything funny too loud yeah and also you can't say same back it was nice to meet you can I say I laugh like a drain, Frank. Yes, well. But, well, we'll have to go to a moment,

but I just want to say to you that we've had a number of people. What I wanted to do, can I say, I just wanted, what I want, what I should have done is stop the evening there and say, let's talk this out completely, and then I could have moved on, but what it was, I let it fester. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, if you're listening guys

God bless you you were saying we've had a number of people referencing what they're calling your Little Mix Who Knew moment a couple of years ago when you went to the Brits and you saw Little Mix live and

you turned out you were a huge fan of theirs yeah and people now refer to it as Frank's Little Mix live and you turned out you were a huge fan of theirs. Yeah. And people now refer to it as Frank's Little Mix Who Knew moment. I mean, I've never listened to them again, but they were tremendous. In fact, I now think of Little Mix and I think of you going, Who knew? So we've had Tracy Cliff has got in touch wanting to know who Frank's Who Knew is.

Lisa Woodford, who's one of our regulars says will it be Billie Eilish? Who knew on Saturday? I did like Billie Eilish I must say. I tell you what I liked about Billie Eilish she arrived there with a sort of alternative plaintive voice

and what happened was she sang like that and Bond And what happened was she sang... Like that. And Bond leaked into it like water leaking into a sinking ship. Right. Because the Ann Simmer orchestra representing the ocean on this case. And she let just enough in to steady the ship but not to sink it. So I thought it was beautiful.

You say that, but you did say when she appeared with the green hair, you said, has she been in the celebrity gonge tank? It did look like Tiswas gonge, a post-gonge tank, but that is, you know, the young people. I miss gonging. Yeah, it's gone. You know, Hans Zimmer

did Going for Gold. Is that right? That is good info. The time is right. I don't think that's a big mo, that's good info. Is that right? That is good info. The time is right. I don't think that's a big mo. That's good info. Is it? Oh, thanks, Al. He's been going for it ever since.

I was on the one show with Hans Zimmer. And this show, as I always felt, how much I've become trusted as a family entertainer, considering to that foul-mouthed lad I used to be in my early days. Because I was doing an art show at the time, they gave me a photograph of Hans Zimmer and a black felt pen and said, well, do you want to do some alterations to her?

And the idea that someone would hand me a picture of a German man and a black sharpie and say, do you want to draw anything on that? Shows an element of trust, which made me genuinely proud. Anyway, Celeste. Who knew? Oh, I don't know about Celeste. Oh, I thought she, I didn't know her at all.

And she sang this song, which I believe is called Strange. Yeah. And it was like if you'd got a phone call at 3am from an angel. Oh. It was... I mean, my phone would be on airplane mode, but I suppose I would... Well, I... If the angel knew, then I suppose I would...

I think angels as well can probably transcend airplane mode. They can override it. I think they can, yeah. If Celeste can override airplane mode... Such is their... Celeste, Celestiel, it's all making sense. Yeah, indeed. Oh, God, she's got a voice.

You know when some people have got a really good voice, but it doesn't mean anything to you? Yeah. It's technical. Yeah. Whereas Celeste, it felt like the voice was just already in the ether and she was channeling it in some way didn't feel like she was working on it or making things happen just sort of I can't do it it was tremendous so that was my that was my

act of the night because others I knew. Because others I knew, I'd worked. I'd actually worked with Capaldi and Mabel. You've worked with them all, really. Oh, wow. Yeah. And I tell you, one of the big shocks of the night for me was the Stiles boy. Yes.

Sorry. Harry. No, the Stiles boy is what we're going to call him from now on. Okay. Harry the Styles Boy. He sounds like Thomas Gradgrind in Hard Time. The Styles Boy. Well, I point it out because one of his outfits, as Emily said,

looked a bit Agatha Christie. It was like a white collar with a little string of pearls. That's right. And a lilac jumper. It was, I believe, Gucci. And I very proudly pointed... I think he wears a lot of Gucci, doesn't he? I was so pleased with myself,

that Agatha Christie's first novel was called The Mysterious Affair at Stiles. Is that right? I wonder if that was some sort of homage. Very good. And when he sang, he seemed to be dressed as the mummy on the Orient Express, which is a Doctor Who show I was in,

based, of course, on the Agatha Christie. Maybe that was a nod to you, Frank, because he knew Perkins. He had a Gucci lace jumpsuit. Who doesn't? He's 90% Gucci now. Yeah, I think so.

Was it Gucci? It's all Gucci, except I think the yellow, you know, the Marigold. I'm going to go Marigold with the airplane collar, that suit. Yeah. The Joker one. That's Marc Jacobs, I think. But everything else is Gucci. That one reminded me of Jim Carrey in the mask with the green.

Yes. Yes. I have a question about Harry Styles. Is, what was it, Harry of Styles? Yeah. Harry of the Styles. Well, Harry of the Styles has become a child of the Jago because there's a shop in central London on Charing Cross Road

called Child of the Jago that sells, actually it's got some amazing clothes but I would still put it in the same bracket as the big shoe shop at the end of March. I'd be too frightened to go in there. It's very I'm going to go dystopian dandy. Yes. But I think they'd

be alarmed if I went in there because they'd think oh we don't we don't want anyone to see you leaving here. Well that will be half half-acly until alienated. But quite delighted if he goes in. Oh, if Harry... I mean, Harry at one point was wearing chiffon. I mean...

I suppose now that smoking happens outdoors, it's a lot safer to walk around a party in chiffon. Do you know how... It's not much of a fire hazard hazard it would have been 20 years ago? The Stiles lad. Stiles boy. Not to be confused with Nobby Stiles, of course. Well, if it was one of his nicknames,

I wouldn't be surprised. I wouldn't be surprised. TSB, the Stiles boy, he has his clothes under 24-hour surveillance, apparently. He doesn't. What do you mean? Because he keeps them in a storage facility. Excellent.

And he has them watched 24 hours. Is it anywhere near the Jager? Well, I've never heard... When did this... Well, we'll come to this. I want... Can we rewind a little on Harry Styles? Yes. It's the last

time I was aware of him. The Styles boy. He was that most desperate of creatures, the ladies' man. And now he's become some sort of serious heart. How? On where? When? Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. etc. I have a question,

Harry Styles. The Styles boy. The Styles boy. Do we know that that is his real surname? Is that a thing? No one would make up Styles, would they? Wouldn't they?

Well, it's with an I. Do you think it was a reference to the styles that he was going to adopt later in life? I'm just wondering if it's one of our many spotted nominative determinism moments that now he's quite the peacock and there he is wandering around with the name Styles.

Yeah, that could be nominative determinism. In case anyone's new to the show, you might still know this, of course. It's when your name seems to lead you into a, for example, a profession. So Gary Player, no, he wasn't a womanizer, he was a golfer and so on. Yeah.

Gary Barlow was an international limbo star. But, you see, here's a theory. Oh, I love a theory. Let me get comfortable. Yeah, let's go for it. Let's get comfy. Get that little tartan Duke of Edinburgh rug on your knees. You know how you sometimes think, Frank, and I believe you do to a degree, Alan,

the writer's issue with comics. You know, you've previously said, Frank, there's been a comparison made to the Olympian drug cheats sometimes. That's right. Frank thinks using writers is... And I understand what you're saying in a certain context. I think if you use writers,

on the credits, you should have a thing that says writers and then a list of them. That's fine. What I would say... What don't put is something vague like... Program associate. Because you're ashamed of it. If you're ashamed of using writers, don't use writers. What I would say in relation to the styles boy is similarly, we're talking about his style, his fashion, his look, when there's a stylist, i.e. program associate.

Stylist, S-T-I-L-E-S-T. Yes. Yeah. When there's a fashion associate, if you like, putting that look together. I don't mind that so much. Well, you don't because it's not your manner. Yes. But I mind.

And also, you know, I think people always want to put clothes on a good looking person. I remember I left Holland. You know, I was talking about leaving Charles of the Jago and they'd be thinking, oh, can you use the back door, sir? I once left Holland and Barrett and they looked genuinely alarmed at me carrying one of their bags. That's a health shock. It was not a time when I was in a great place from a sobriety point of view. And I think I would be happy to have my clothes or even my stylist credit next to the style spot. Of course, because you're not in the... Oh, I see.

But I think it's the... For me, it's the same thing, I'm afraid. But stylists never do it for them. They're not people who normally do it for themselves and then... Oh, you think they look quite drab, but Harry looks quite... I mean, more importantly, did this... Because I didn't know he'd had an album that was critically acclaimed. Oh, yeah.

I mean, how on earth did... But did he write that? Well, you liked that song, didn't you? Did he write it? Answer the question, Emily! Did the Styles boy write the critically acclaimed album? I'm not a number, I'm a free man. I don't know the answer to that.

I believe he would have been involved. Well, no, hold on. They always get credits. They always get credits. I don't think he would have been a soul writer, but I mean, I... I don't think it's soul. I don't know. I think it's more pop and ballads.

I don't know if it is. I think it's become avant-garde. He's not Lizzo, is he? He's avant-garde. Yeah, that's my view. What's it called? Did you like Lizzo, Frank? Yes, I thought Lizzo was a bit more party night.

Yes. Oh, party night. Whereas Harry was serious, slightly tortured artist. And there's something to be said for that. He was like sort of Shelley or something like that. Do you know Shelley, that woman that works in the cafe around the corner? Very nice, and she loves chiffon. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. Absolute radio. So we've been trying to find out about Harry and the album. We think it's team written. There's a gang. Is there a gang? I think so. See, what worries me about that, and I'm not saying this is necessarily the case,

but I think with the Spice Girls, if they went and had a cup of tea in the studio that week, everything written, they got a co-write thing on. Yeah. I mean, I know George Formby's manager, who's also his wife, used to say to writers, well, look, give George a co-credit on it, because if he records it,

you'll make more money with it than you would. Good point. And also, who else is going to do a song that goes, Oh, me granddad's flannelette nightshirt. I mean, you're not going to phone Bing Crosby. You're right. It's pretty niche stuff. Yes.

Oh, me grandad's flannelette nightshirt. From what I can establish, there seem to be numerous writers credited on each song. Bing! Was that the microwave? No, Bing! Sorry, is there a song on the album that just says H-Styles? I don't believe so, no.

So, for example, Sign of the Times, was it called? He did that one. It's a sign of the times. No, that's Prince. But Sign of the Times was the video where he was flying. You liked that, Frank. You liked that. I liked it.

I thought it was overused. I thought he said, look, we've got a crane. I'm going to fly for 98%. I mean, he should have just gone up and had a little twirl and then come back. So Harry Styles... So therefore, he came down with snow on him. He's credited as a writer, along with five or six other songwriters.

Oh, for goodness. Forget about it. Forget about it. A guy's like Mark the Weak. I'm prepared to forget about it. Yeah. Good advice. I'm sorry.

But now we've stripped away the stylist, the writers. Yeah. We've just got a handsome young man. What is man? Is this but man? Is man but this? I mean, it is a question for our times. What is man?

Yeah. Well, it probably isn't because you get 20 texts saying, what about women? Yeah. So I'm not even going to ask it. Can I say, it was a fabulous night. Rod Stewart ended.

He's still with us, by the way. With Ronnie Wood. You know what, Frank, this is my favourite moment. When we were queuing to get on the red carpet to have our picture taken and appear to inevitable silence, although Frank got a lovely cheer.

It was fine. It wasn't totally humiliating. Stuart was before us, and I saw Frank taking a little picture of his military jacket. He had a navel. He looked like someone had made him sit on the nautical step. And he looked like an old sailor who had a pet crow that he kept as an affectation. That was Ronnie, obviously.

But not dirty. It looked clean, immaculate. Like he was on a very clean ship. Yeah, well, Ronnie wore yellow gloves. I saw those. I saw the picture. I have a theory about this. Bob Dylan, who I very much love, I've seen him do several gigs in recent years. He never plays guitar anymore.

And the theory is that he's got arthritis. And I wonder if you've got a little bit of that, keeping your hands warm might be absolutely crucial and he was going to play later so I think either he'd just put the bins out or he was in preparation for I wish he'd worn gloves if it was just to keep them warm that were proper crow's feet

clawed that would have, oh man, if he'd have just put those on the little lectern. The gloves he wore they did look like the ones that you'd see like an American doing manual labouring in. Yeah, or

the village, the sort of construction worker in the village. I wondered if there was an irony that Ronnie Wood was wearing the gloves that you'd wear in a lumberyard. Oh, nominative deterrentism. Yes, I think you might be right there. They were a bit Timberland. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We are not live this week, so do not text the show. Can you hear me, Mavis? And no more jam. But you can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio,

or you can email the show. Oh, I have a question. I'm not asking you this because you're Scottish, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show at lcapaldi.com. Yes? Oh, I have a question, and I'm not asking you this because you're Scottish, but... That's OK. What's Buckfast? Buckfast is a fortified wine that is commonly consumed by young people in the Scotland area.

Ah. And I think I know why you're asking me this. Yes. Because young L. Capaldi, he was seen to be drinking it on the stage as he won, didn't he? He was swigging from that fast. But I must admit, I'm no longer regularly going to Scotland, but I thought that people grew out of it.

I don't know what age Lewis Capaldi is, but I thought it was one of those things that you put behind you at a certain age like cider but a friend of mine um from the comedy world we used to the clubs together oh yeah said to me that um we were both alcoholics he said to me he said the reason i drink is the same as the reason i do comedy. It's just because I want to be 17 forever. All right. So maybe Louis Luai has already decided that that's his task. And the reason you have plastic surgery. I thought he might be egging it up a little bit.

What, Avogadro? You know, some people are like professionally northern and they just always talk about that. I've got to say. Like sometimes people, when I wear a flat cap, people are like professionally northern and they just always talk about that i would say like sometimes people when i wear a flat cap people go oh yeah you got your flat cap on and i go yeah and they go i suppose you gotta whip it as well i go well actually yeah i do that's not a great example i get the same thing when i wear an enormous star suit um but i as you know, I worked with Lewis Capaldi and I found him to be very nice and actually not very grand at all.

Maybe he likes the drink. Frank did a long video of Capaldi, didn't you? Well, because my son is a bit mad on Lewis Capaldi. That's nice. I don't know if he loves him as much as I love Peter Capaldi, but I think between us, we're having a fabulous Capaldi. That's nice. I don't know if he loves him as much as I love Peter Capaldi, but I think between us, we're having a fabulous Capaldi race. That's great. Can I tell you,

you know Frank always likes to, we will stop talking about the Brits one day, but you know Frank always likes to give a little bit of creative input. Oh, did he do one of the Skinner feedback sessions? Skinner feedback session. Like when he said to Andrew Lloyd Webber, I think you need to change the curtain call.

And in fairness, it was changed. I was recommended that I call back to a joke that I told earlier in the evening towards the end. Did you do it? I'm so sorry. Yeah, it worked. I did it on other nights anyway before you'd mentioned it. Oh, yeah, well, they always say that.

He gave someone else feedback. I went to see in Edinburgh and he wanted to know, he said, how was there? Excellent. How did they do that? Because he'd given to me. But anyway, Frank's feedback, which I don't think he gave directly to the artist concerned.

Right. But he did say when we were watching Stormzy. Oh, yeah. Too many people on stage. Too many people. Right. Too many people. There's too many.

Too many. What worried me about that was those stages will only take so many people. It's like a lift. You're right. And what we don't want to see is that kind of thing going wrong at the Brits. That would have ruined the whole night for me. I'd probably made it much harder to get a car. Yeah.

So be careful is all I'm saying. Since we've been analysing people's fashion storms he went for pale coloured knitwear I was thinking he's not touching red wine in that outfit well hard to imagine but they've all got

five or six outfits backstage I bet Lewis Capaldi walked towards him with that buck fast and he went you keep your distance I bet Lewis Capaldi didn't have any other costumes back then. He'd be very happy to go on. Another stained denim shirt. Yeah, he'd be very anti-gay. A row of seven stained denim shirts.

And we're not going to knock that outfit. Made a career of it. The thing is with I Don't Want To Talk About It is I do basically always want to talk about it. Yeah. So that song doesn't really move me. I have had relationships where I've ended it in a very... I once sent

a text to a woman where I said, remember, this is a full stop, not an ellipsis. Which I think if you can dump someone and give them a little grammar hint at the same time. Breaking up with an English student when you're the professor.

Exactly. Like a David Mamet play. But that was a kind way of letting her know the door wasn't remaining open. Exactly. It's never too late to help people. Friendskin on Absolute Radio. So get this out. Never too late to help people. So, get this out. We went out, Emily and I, and Emily looked, I can say this, we're old friends,

she looked amazing in her outfit. And she said to me when she arrived, she said, I'm not taking a coat because, you see, I've thought ahead, I've gone long sleeve. Nice. And I thought, well, you've gone exposed midriff, but I don't know enough about fashion to argue. No, not midriff back. Ah, right. Well, there was midriff. No.

Maybe you didn't notice. No. Anyway. I do notice. Excuse me. There was a stitching detail, but that was all encased. The back was exposed. Thank you very much.

I see. Anyway. A window effect. Yes. So we got outside. Lattice. We got outside with the long sleeves that makes one able to cope with any temperature. Yes.

And we stood, and Emily literally, I'm going to have to get a step from the microphone. I went, ah! And I said, what's the matter? She said, I am so cold. I had to call out. And it was a real, it was like a wounded creature. It really was. You know when you hear like foxes getting into that?

It's had that kind of. Oh, yeah. Oh, the barbs. I was. I like to think of the barbs, yeah. Oh, the barbs. I was... I like to think of the barbs. Don't think of the barbs. I was in agony. And the lovely lady from Absolute,

she said to us, oh, you know... Well, she's from Bower. She's from Bower. She was from the umbrella rather than the handle. She was. She was so lovely. She got us a car.

She said, well, that's the... Amelia. Yes. And she said, that's the Brits, I'm afraid. And I said, well, I know, but I never normally have to wait for my car. But then Emily, again, I thought out of character, scampered to Tesco and came back with some Haribo sours and a TCO. She brought a TCO into the car.

Do you know, I love, I have to have chocolate and sweets on the journey back. It's like going to the cinema. A TCO at 11 o'clock at night to me. When you say that, I saw you guzzling down the cherry sours. I had a couple of sours, but I wouldn't touch a TCO.

Compared to the rest of the guests at the Brits, it feels like it's probably within the parameters of good, isn't it? But you know what, Frank? I was so hungry, I was waiting for a pudding all night, and it didn't come. No, it didn't. So I needed that sugar, and a TCO was lovely. I had it when I got home, Frank, the TCO.

Only two seconds. Right now. TCO was lovely. I didn't want to go home, Frank, the TCO. Only two seconds. Right now, just... I like to think that a TCO is actually, secretly, a Sydney Opera House in kit form. Oh, right.

And if you rearrange it, it's a sort of a visual 3D anagram of the Sydney Opera House, and you can rearrange it. If anyone at home manages that, do send us a photograph, and you'll win a prize. Would you not have a TCO? You won't win a prize. I don't particularly like it. I don't like chocolate orange.

I would have other chocolate that is available. I just don't really enjoy the oranginess. Chocolate lemon? Well, I was making toast for jam the next day, which I don't normally do. And suddenly I was aware of this like a big moth that had sort of landed right next to my hand. It was a real, oh!

Really, I remember that. Was it like when I'm cold? It was worse. It was more like the air leaving me rather than me firing it out. And I realised it was my slightly overlong Brit wristband that was fluffing. Celebrity tales of the supernatural here on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I feel like I'd like to bring to your attention a gentleman who may, I'd like to think, become what we used to call a friend of the show.

There's a chap who's been photographed on the London Underground in workman clothes with a full breakfast. Oh, yes. On an actual ceramic plate with cutlery. And people are suggesting... And a mug of tea. And a mug of tea, indeed. And again, not from like Starbucks,

but an actual mug of tea. No, the real deal. He had, it was the full Monty at 7am. Yeah. And also, occasionally we give credit to the British press for their headline skills, but Eggware Road, I felt, was strong work. Was it at Eggware Road? I don't think so.

Oh, well, come on. I think that bit... It's all right, though. Should have got some writers in, like, styles. It gets five a song. But it did make me think, you know, we've discussed life hacks in the past, where people, it feels like, you know, there's sometimes a meme that people say online where they say, such and such said this and then someone else said, hold my beer.

Oh, yeah. Somebody said to him, oh, you can't beat a cereal bar for breakfast on the go and he said, hold my beer. And then he got on there with his full plates with eggs and everything. He didn't bring them from home, did he? No. I don't think. I mean, there is a suspicion that he stole plate, cutlery and mug from...

Yes, the assumption was that he'd taken it or the cafe had allowed him. I mean, I can't imagine that. Well, some posh hotels let people borrow an umbrella, so maybe there's a cafe that says, hey, bring your cutlery and plate back tomorrow. Well, I may have told you about a cafe I used to eat in in Spark Hill, Birmingham,

where the knife forks and spoons were on chains. And the woman would come round with a bucket of soapy water and rinse them in the bucket. At least she was doing that. Yeah, exactly. To stop theft. So maybe that's something that

the south of England could learn from. Sometimes at comedy clubs they say, during the interval, if you could take your glasses back to the bar, it will really help the bar staff. You know, in that establishment, they could well have just said, when you finish your dinner, if you could really lick the cutlery clean, it serves us with the washing up. I think many of the customers helped by not using the cutlery.

I wonder why. I wonder why I thought it was interesting that the gentleman who'd taken this picture said I'm pretty sure the mug was a typical builder's mug it looked like it may have a crown on it one of those keep calm and carry on designs now I've got to be honest I wouldn't have described that as the typical builder's mug. No. I would associate those mugs more with the kind of shops that sell vanilla candles and the greatest cat memes books. I would say the building trade, I'd always go Sports Direct only because of the size of the vessel. If they want to keep drinking all day...

That's why I use a Sports Direct mug every morning. It keeps you going. I wasn't aware of the Sports Direct mug. Is it in the shape of some sort of trophy? No, it's just a Sports Direct, and it's three times the size of a normal mug, and every home should have one. I didn't know that.

Samuel Johnson, the 18th century moralist Samuel Johnson used to drink from a pint teacup. And I once saw... I think it was his collected Seneca. And it had... It had a big circle on the cover where he'd used it as a coaster. And you could tell from the depth of the circle that this was a heavy thing that had been on it.

Excellent. And it was his big pint mug of tea. I've said for years the Stoics were practical. Oh, God. Well, Frank, you know, I need to just say, pint glass in a domestic setting is an absolute deal-breaker for friendship. No, it's not good.

OK. Especially if it's actually got a brand name on it. And it's scratched and grimy. Well, you must never go to John Coleshaw's house where he has a small table that is a collection of just those glasses. So you heard it here first. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

What about a pint glass of water by the bed? Disgusting. Well, apparently Alan Hansen, the former Liverpool Scotland defender and popular television pundit, had a shelf above the bed, central above the double bed that his wife slept in. And they would put an enormous brandy glass of Ribena honey and then they would take it in turns in the night if one of them was thirsty to drink from that. Look at loving cup. How do you know this? Well I'd heard it and I asked him about it. There are three people in that relationship, so it's rather crowded. Frank Savoyer.

And he was a bit shifty about it. He didn't really want to talk about it. Yeah, but I did. I mean, I keep a water on the go, but not in a pint glass. It's so... You know, have some self-respect.

I'll tell you what this chap with his full English breakfast on the train did make me have a eureka moment about, is that I've never really understood the beans separated in a ramekin dish thing that happens when you get a full English breakfast. I've never understood it. That's a ramekin, is it, that little thing? That little pot, yeah, like a ceramic dish.

Never got it. Ceramicin? Yes, indeed. Sometimes you get a creme caramel in there, yeah. Like a ceramic dish. Never got it. Ceramic-ing. Yes, indeed. But now I get it. Sometimes you get a creme caramel in there, Alan. Yeah, but if you're having a full English breakfast on a train and it's tilting, you might not want the beans to be on there

because they're perhaps the runniest of the lot. No, it's... But if you say, pop them in the dish, will you? It's good. Makes sense to me. And also, that's another piece of China he's gone away with. More washing up to do. Goodness. Well in fact you see eating on

subways or public transport is banned in certain countries isn't it I believe. They were talking about banning it on the subway in New York. I think it's still allowed but because I think I mean the eggs, onion, I think there should be like I think there should mean, the eggs, onion,

I think there should be like, I think there should be an alarm going off if the smell gets above a certain level and then you have to get off. I wonder how you'd work that fast food alarm. I think, what would worry me about breakfasting on the way like that is how do you clean your teeth? Did you think you had one? You know those...

Well, just find a bit of old dog poo and rub your toothbrush in it. No, but do you know those chew balls that you get in men's toilets? Do you get them in women's toilets as well? Oh, I didn't know that. It's like a vending machine. I didn't know you were meant to put them there. It looks like, if you imagine a very small Atlas, it looks like what he would, not Charles Atlas, the original,

it looks like what he would carry on his shoulders, that sort of, you know, the world, but in a sort of a frame style. I know exactly what you mean. One could imagine it at an expo fair if it was a lot bigger. Certainly if I make a tiny model of an expo fair if it was a lot bigger. Certainly if I make a tiny model of an expo fair I will buy one of them. Do you spit

them out? Do they dissolve into swallowing? I don't believe they do. I mean I've never used them. You never see any discarded casings do you? That's amazing. I'm not selling many. I'm not going to buy one the next time I see it. Are you? In fact I'm not going to buy you both next time I see you. Are you? In fact, I'm not

going to. I'm going to buy you both one as well. Oh, that's nice. Thanks. I've never seen a spat out toothpaste sphere. And I've seen an elephant fly. This is your confession for I've never. Exactly.

Well, I'd like to know if anyone has we'll be back live next week and I'd love if anyone has seen one of those or even used one I've suddenly I mean in a big rush become fascinated by them I'm sure that they could recycle

to be something if you had a very tiny Vitruvian man figure, you could put that inside the tube, or as I like to call it, now. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we had a review in of your outfit at the Brits because there was a photo of us on the socials.

Oh, yeah. And Simon Goff said, it looks like Frank might have spent the day painting the comings and goings of industrial Manchester. Oh nice. Lovely Lowry reference there. Very good. Let's get the Lowry references in while

he's still acceptable. I've got an upcoming show at the Lowry's so I wouldn't mind referencing that at some point. So have I. We can plug them together. Excellent. Well I'm presenting the Blenheim Palace Dog I. We can plug them together. Excellent. Well, I'm presenting the Blenheim Palace Dog Show. Big wow. Fabulous.

I look forward to that. The, I have seen a man on the tube shaving on the way to work with an electric, not with a, not with a... What did you think of him? Did you feel respect or pity?

Well, he was not. He was in a suit and everything. And I thought, you know, one could say, if you're not going to read or listen to music or whatever, you might as well use that travel time. You're not hanging out. Well, actually, I respect that more than the man that I once saw at some traffic lights flossing his teeth.

I don't think that's... Was he in his car, though? Yeah, he was driving. He was at the driver's seat. No, look, you know what? He was in his car. No, I think the highway code would forbid that. Yeah, but mind your own bees, Max, if you don't mind what he's saying. He didn't do his wax. Well, not when you were there.

What about the next light? Can I say, on that subject, what I get up to in my own car is my business can I ask a question is it still a thing the electric shaver to me it feels like a failed experiment like high rise flats

why are you looking at me I'm not looking at Al I'm desperately looking at Al. I'm desperately looking at you. Well, I mostly have a beard, but I've recently gone back to... Do you own an electric shaver? Only for the hair, not for the face. Oh, well, it's a different... I don't own an electric shaver. I never got on with them. They affected my skin in

not a good way. I find that what they did, they just surfed above my throat hairs. Right. It's not what you want, is it? No. I came out of it like sort of Abe Lincoln. Like a clean offer and then a deep, hairy lower.

You don't want to come out of things like Abe Lincoln. No. But I was sort of... Didn't end well. I remember my dad used to kind of give me the impression that people, men who used electric shavers weren't sort of proper in some way. That they were a little bit... Could I go

and buy one now from a normal shop? I think so. Really? Yeah. I can't remember even hearing one in the joining hotel room or anything. Well, do you want to tell him or shall I? Well, I don't know what to tell them

Can you text in next week or email us during the week? If you've heard any noises in an adjoining hotel room No, I'd like to know if anyone still uses an electric shaver And also, do they ever use a tubal? Or have they ever seen a discarded tubal? Tubal By the strengths of some of our other textings this is pretty mainstream i should suggest can i tell you i was looking at the men texting i was looking at a news page this week and i saw um with two clicks i went from no visas for unskilled workers, says government.

And then, next one, Harry and Meghan leave in UK March 31st. Not even an appeal. They've just taken, that's it, they're off. Thank you so much for listening to us today. We'll be back live next week, if, of course, the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise. Now, get out!