The Frank Skinner Show - The Web

Episode Date: April 14, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Emily and Alun, they discuss house lending, IQ tests and Prince Harry's new love interest.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean, and I'm with Alan Cochran. Morning. And I've got pig iron, I've got all pig iron. Oh, they're all coming out now.

I haven't said that for ages. Sometimes it's nice to go back, isn't it? I haven't said that, yeah. I think. Although, can I say, I was walking along the river yesterday, obviously on the pathway. I wasn't having a religious experience. And I bumped into Miles Jopp.

Oh, yes. He's a bit of an OC of mine. An OC? Obscure Crash. Oh, is he really? Is he really? Oh, nice. Quite hot for him.

I wonder if he knows. I wonder if he knows. Last time I saw him, he was dancing to The Prodigy. Last time I saw him on Let's Dance for Sport Relief. Oh, I thought you meant Walking Down the River. No, no. Anyway, we started talking and he's doing a show for Radio 4 about mysteries. And I said to him, oh, I was reading a thing, and it was about a ghost thing,

and I said I was reading it on the web. And then I thought, do people say that? Is that something that people say on the web? And I got terribly, I didn't want to go back to it, but like a dog returning to its vomit. I thought, oh, shall I? Oh. And so I left. I sort of fluffed my way through the rest of the anecdote because my on the web had thrown me so much.

You went a bit Wogan's web. I did. I did. And I left and I knew Emily's friend. I didn't know, but I thought they might be snickering. Do you think? Snickering at my friend. What about Emily's friend. I didn't know, but I thought they might be snickering. Do you think? Snickering at my friend. What about Emily's on the web remarks? Am I wrong? Yeah, what else could you have said?

Can you say I saw it on the web? I'm not the one to ask. I'm ancient, darling. Were you reading a blog? Is that what it was? No. A blog about mysteries. Should I say on the internet?

And even then? Online. I should have said online. Frank, I've got it. It's online. Of course it it's online of course i'm in a complete fool of myself i don't i think the fact that it took three of us that long to get to online means you've got a pass there you can but i don't know if i've ever said on the web before i i thought what i'm going to do is i'm going to go for it i'm going to go techno and um i arrived i'd say i arrived at about 2007 i guess yeah it was robert's web wasn't that robert webb did a tv show about the about the robert don't try and

wriggle out of it no i'm not i don't want to try and wriggle out of a web frank they've been texting in already this morning on 8 12 15 brilliant15. Brilliant. We've had Susie Jones. I like the sound of Susie Jones. I imagine that she was a podium dancer in the 80s. Oh. She says you belong in Scotland, Frank. Well, look, I won't have it. Why?

Why, Susie? Why do I belong in Scotland? She says because pineapple crush flows freely there. And that's because you were talking about pineapple aid last week, Frank, on the podcast. Is that the same thing? Crush isn't one of those you add water to, is it? No, it's just like a fizzy drink. Isn't it incredible in the 21st century you still buy drinks that

you add water to? Yeah. I mean, I had someone, I had a tin of Campbell's soup the other week which you had to add water to. Condensed makes double. Can they still do that? In 2012, I'm adding water to soup. I like that, though.

I thought that would appeal to your... God, I've asked the mind to complain about... I might start something on the web. Some sort of group on the web. That's what the web's crying out for, isn't it? People that are angry about the modern world. I just don't what the web's crying out for, isn't it? People are angry about the modern world. I just don't know what it's crying out for anymore. I've had a strange week.

I mean, I've dined at some of the finest restaurants in the world. Can I say that? You have. I can vouch for you. Yeah. And, you know, what they always say about one thing about celebrity, you can turn up and say, I know it's last minute, but I wonder if we can... No, no, Mr Skinner, please, we'll find you a table of course lovely anyway i was turned away from the rainforest cafe oh god that's the rainforest can i say frank that's a low that's a low point for

the brand what i call the skinner brand oh it's i mean it's the end they said to me um you it's 44 there'll be 45 minute wait for a table the Rainforest Cafe can I point out in case you don't know is a sort of a themed cafe I loathe it and the theme is rainforests so every 10 minutes

there's a tropical storm in there a mocktop tropical storm there's lightning and thunder just while you're mid-anecdote normally and McCall starts screeching there's not really surely this is a joke. Yes.

And I've been, yes, there is. And there's animatronic gorillas who respond in quite a laid-back fashion. They have that, they do the slow blink. You know the way dummies, ventriloquist dummies do that unnerving slow blink and the machine-like

swivel of the head. That's what the gorillas do. I mean, who wants it? But, slow blink, and the machine-like swivel of the head. That's what the gorillas do. I mean, who wants it? But, so, yeah, they said it's a 45-minute wait. Oh, my God. Fine forest cafe, 45... So, now I'm pro-deforestation. I was going to say, did you raise it to the ground? It's completely changed.

When I say I'm pro-deforestation, I don't mean the person who played Dr. McCoy on Star Trek. You've got mixed up with your deforests. That was Deforest Kelly, I believe. Yes, I know. Look it up on the web. Yeah, on the web. Will it be on the web?

Let's have a look, shall we? Where's my word processor? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. so yeah so um i was uh i was turned away ultimately from the rainforest cafe oh i ended up going to uh i wouldn't mind but i used to go to Where did you go, to the Ivy? No, I went to Byron Burgers. Nice. Somewhere which sounds like it's going to be themed. You know, I hope... What is it called? Buy More Burgers?

Byron. That's how they get you, though, subliminally. But wouldn't it be great if the waiters all had the club foot and an aristocratic 18th century look about them and smelt of laudanum and red from Childe Harold? They're becoming a chain, aren't they? There's loads of them now. They've become a chain.

Yeah. It's happened. I was only in there the other day. Get with it. Look on the web. There's like 30 of these. Yeah. Frank, Alan saw a text.

I'm sorry, but I have to speak out. Go on, speak out. One of the things I enjoy when we arrive is looking at the texts from previous shows that have come in. And at 4.41am, somebody has texted Absolute Radio, will you play Someone Like You by Adele, please? There's a text that didn't need sending. Oh, that's so depressing.

We won't be playing that. I think, you know, she's had enough airplay on this station as far as I'm concerned. We've had another text I like from Wendy and Steve that say, Hi, my husband and I are going to the 25th British Juggling Convention in Southend. We've travelled since 4am from Leeds. She was asking for someone like you this morning. I went to the, I think it might have been the 17th or something like that. I went to the juggling convention when it was in Leeds.

Oh, no, I was 17, so it was probably the first or something like that. Hang on, what age am I now? You went as a competitor, or was it...? I went 20 years ago. Oh, God. Yeah, but were you involved in the juggling? Yeah, I just did a bit of juggling and watched a lot. I watched a lot.

Indian Club? I did. No, I didn't go out. Throwing knife? Flame. Are you all right i'm not saying words i'm offering juggling thanks when you said flame yeah no but you know a juggle flame is a special moment all right i thought this was the uh gay club near your house again all right, I thought this was the gay club near your house again.

That's, um... Prime pan fire. That's fire. Flame. Yeah, could well be one. Slider always in there. That's a joke. That's an old film joke for our older listeners. So what did you juggle on that day?

Come on out with it. Well, I would have been doing a bit of... It's very depressing, though, because you turn up thinking... What did you juggle, though? Oh, my God, he's lying. It's like when I went out at three. juggling. It's very depressing though because you turn up thinking- What did you juggle though? Oh my God, he's lying. It's like when I went out at three. Three clubs? He's being evasive. I was being evasive.

Do you know what happened? I got there and I think I was 17 and I thought I was quite good but I was self-taught and the first day a six-year-old boy walked past me juggling five clubs or something. Just amazing. Yeah. And you go, oh okay, they're all going to be amazing and they were just amazing. Yeah. And you go, oh, OK, they're all going to be amazing. And they were all amazing. Yeah. But that's nice.

They'll have a nice time, won't they, Wendy and Steve? Yeah. I wonder who's the juggler, or do they juggle together? You know, sometimes you get the two-hander. The passing. Oh, yeah, yeah, you could do that. Like skipping. You know, you get the girls.

You could do a three-ball cascade if you... Well, that would be fabulous, a three-ball cascade. Mm. I'd look well. I'd have a great time at the juggling convention. What is it, the 25th? It's the 25th British Juggling Convention. Well, that'll be... I mean, surely that'll be some sort of special... Yeah.

...silver jubilee. Is it silver? Yeah. OK. That's five minutes on juggling. Can we talk about fashion. No, but, well, fashion actually is a good point because, um, do you remember the fashion cafe? Yes, I do, Frank.

Of course I remember it. See, that was a themed cafe. There was never a fashion cafe. I went there. I had burger and chips and watched a catwalk fashion show. In a fashion cafe, you had burger and chips? I know that was the problem with the fashion cafe, is that everyone there

obviously was people who didn't eat. But the idea was that you'd go there and see supermodels, but it was actually people in trainers from Wisconsin, unfortunately. But there was an actual catwalk show going on as I ate, you know, with attractive young people

well-dressed. It's lovely. Do you know, with attractive young people, well-dressed. Lovely. Do you know, I used to own a bit of rainforest, I've just remembered. Is this one of your lies? No, I bought, I bought, it was a sort of a, you had to buy a square mile of, or a square acre, I think it was, of rainforest. If you can have a square acre. Who did you get that off, Sting? Acreage.

I, no, I didn't. I hate rainforest. Not with the table tennis man. I hate the rainforest. Remember the table tennis man who we used to meet in the rainforest? I used to do that in pubs all the time with beer mats. I used to hold a beer mat against my lower lip and say anyway I've got to go now I'm meeting Sting in half an hour. It's the props. You've got to use life as the props. It's important. But no, I had a square acre. I must still own it. I've got a certificate somewhere. Sounds all right.

You'd think that would get me a seat in the rainforest cabin. If I'd have took that certificate. And then I also adopted a... You know, you adopt an African child. Yeah. Forgot all about him, you adopt an African child. Yeah. Forgot all about him, actually. Hi! He's OK.

I don't know if he's still on the direct, have you? It's a shame you couldn't marry the two and pop him in your little bit of acreage in the rainforest. I've left... He can run that umbrella shop I was thinking of opening up on my acre. I still thought, though, what happened to him? I've left a whole pile... Let's ponder that now.

I've left a pile of third-world debris behind me. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. You guys were talking about juggling. Sorry to interrupt, but I'd quite like to talk about Molly from the Saturdays and Prince Harry. OK? Oh, yes, I saw it. Have you seen this?

Oh, God, it was on the Daily Mail website. On the web. Did you read it on the web? It's on the web. I keep an eye on the... We do love the Daily Mail website. Web news. It's very good at what it does. We know it's an organ of evil, but the website is good.

Prince Harry, Frank, so they've started dating. You see, they like him in the press because he's still got his hair. So they call him his royal hotness and things. Ginger, as it may be. His royal hotness. Because, you know, the other one lost it. But he's got a new girlfriend. What were you going to say about Prince Harry?

Well, my worry about the new girlfriend, I know she's in the Saturdays, and the Saturdays are all what the populace see as beautiful. But he's done a cruel thing, which you must never do. You must have a bit of variety in your adjacent partners it's very important oh god chelsea's not going to come out of this well well when he's done he's gone he's gone he went out with chelsea davey the well-known 18th century highwayman and uh he does that like oh you'd be chelsea davey has taken over the stagecoach anyway um he he went out with Chelsea Davy, and then what he's done,

he's gone up with what looks suspiciously like an upgrade. Right. You know what I mean? It's the same kind of person, just with a slightly nicer finish. It would be like if someone dated me and then went out with Nancy DiLoglio, yeah? Yeah.

No, Frank! Is it too like for like? Is that the problem? It would be like if I went out with Chocky and then went out with Rupert Grint. I'd be robbing Chocky's nose in it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Or indeed Elton John. Elton John. Yeah, Elton John would be somewhere. I don't know where he'd be. Would he be pre or post Chocky? I don't know. In the upgrade thing. So I feel sorry for Chelsea Davey.

And also she's a pop star, whereas Chelsea Davey was... What was she? Socialite? Her dad was rich. Wasn't her dad a great white hunter? Yes, I believe so, yeah. Well, I mean, I won't... I don't know, actually, after being turned away by the Rainforest Cafe, I think I'm with him all the way.

So anyway, yes, he's going out with Molly. So they met at the polo. Fabulous. Of course they did. That's not the name of a club. That's a sporting event, isn't it? No. Yeah, exactly. But they also... I wonder if he's any good at polo. Who, Harry? Yeah. He doesn't really have to be, does he?

He's his royal hotness, for goodness sake. I saw a picture of him on a hall, and you think, if he was Robbie's, what would happen about that? Yeah. Do they let him sort of play really well? Is it like when Idi Amin was the heavyweight champion of Uganda? Do you think people stand off a bit? No one's going to really go for it with Prince Harry,

because you want him to be a bit good. Prince on a horse, it's a British tradition. It's like Ambassador's Child always having to win past the parcel at the party Yeah, I think, yes, I remember that from my childhood. I used to hate the Ambassador's Child. I'm pretty

neutral when it comes to the roles, but I think if I was playing five-a-side with one of them, I'd probably stand off a bit. I wouldn't clatter in just in case I was later beheaded for treason or something. He might well be, and you'll think he's brilliant at Paolo. Yeah. And everyone is just letting

him. Anyway. Anyway, so they went to what I call a bit of a, it was an EDV, which is, you know those early dates venues so you decide where you're going to go? Yes. But they went to a club called Bunga Bunga, which

I thought sounded a bit suspect. Isn't that what Berlusconi is doing? Yes. Oh no, that sounds a bit... You can't take a first date to a Bunga Bunga party. Tells you a lot about what sort of girl she is. And then they went to a karaoke club. I bet when she walked in, somebody went

yowza. It's that kind of karaoke club. I bet when she walked in, somebody went, Yowza. It's that kind of a club. They went karaoke then. I thought that was a terrible idea. Did Harry get up and do karaoke? I don't know. I wasn't there, darling. I shouldn't have reported that in the papers.

More likely did she. I mean, if she's in a band. We say in a band. Can I say I was once at a karaoke club and the man from aqua do you know the man who used to say uh come on barbie let's go party he got up and they said what do you want to sing and he didn't say that i'll have um i'll do barbie and he did um he did both parts. Extraordinary. It wasn't that great. And if he can't do it, I mean.

This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. Frank, we were talking about Prince Harry earlier. You were. Well, I was, but before we continue with that, there's an email we've had in, which Alan and I rather enjoyed. Mm-hm. It's the man who used to be the manager of the fashion cafe. Oh, thank goodness for that.

He's called Jock Dunbar. I was starting to think, he's called Jock Dunbar? Yes. I bet he likes a pineapple crush. He says, I used to be the manager of the fashion cafe and we were always getting celebs booking tables. I think maybe that was a reference to me, suggesting that no celebs went there.

Sorry, Jock. Yeah, careful. One Saturday night we had Britney Spears' agent book a table for 20. As you can imagine, 20 was a big deal in a high-turn themed restaurant. High turn, I like that. High turn, what does that mean? I think it's probably meaning high turnover, isn't it, of tables. can imagine 20 was a big deal in a high turn themed restaurant high turn i like that high turn what does that mean i think it's probably meaning high turnover tables he probably thought the money man 20 extra covers oh i love it i love a bit of uh have a bit of slang like that

i do as well i went to i remember on tour once the tour van took in and the guy said what is this done it's done in 11 11 car You're going to have to ramp it. Loved it. I like it in the fashion trade when they say, oh, sleeve pullers. Or people that just have a quick look. Tire pickers. Sleeve pullers. Oh, I'm a sleeve puller.

Yes, I knew you were. I'm glad I found out what that's called. If I had someone call me a sleeve puller, I'd be really worried about what that meant. You're giving away penalties all over the place. There we go. So can I carry on, guys? Carry on with Jock.

So anyway, Neymar, over with Jock. Is it Jock? Yeah, it's Jock. Lachlan Jock Dunbar. Okay. So, Brittany is waiting to come in. Yeah. But table book for 20.

As you can imagine, we got excited at the thought of then A-list turning up. Well, yeah, after having had me in on the midweek. This whole entourage turned up, but no Britney. Then we realised they'd pulled a fast one, getting a table on the back of someone famous. I hate it when people do that. Well, that was beginning of the end for the Fashion Cafe. Well, I hope... It is Jock.

It is Jock. I haven't added that name in some sort of semi-racist way. Yeah, well, I hope Jock is still in the business. Gainfully employed. Yeah, exactly, because it went quite quickly, the Fashion Cafe. One minute it was there, next minute it was gone. Maybe Sports Cafe, get a job there. Well, from a size zero theme so that is difficult

anyway it's lovely to hear from you i'm um yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't do that i wouldn't book something and then i once went to a planet hollywood with um dennis leary american comic and um jonathan ross was there david baddiel, and Robert Downey Jr. turned up. Lovely. Very drunk, very drunk indeed. And at the end of the night, the manager said, can I just say the whole everything's on the house is all free. Fantastic.

Lovely. And Dennis Leary was on, he was on per diems at the time, so he got a daily allowance, he got cash in hand daily allowance doing this film, and he used to get 250 quid a day and he gave the waitress he said, oh well here's a tip and he gave her 250 quid in

cash and she burst into tears Wow. Fabulous Maybe she thought he was suggesting something about her charging by the hour I think not When he threw in the word per dm she was thinking what's this latin for where did he put the money frank i have i have no i want to know it wasn't that kind of club but i i once i tell you what i noticed this week on the subject of

getting older is i saw two girls in a very very short skirts and sort of spaghetti strap tops attractive young women walking towards me and I thought well they must be freezing that's how I've changed Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio

we were discussing... His royal hotness. What do you call it? E-V... E-D-V. Early date venues. Yes. So where do you take people?

Molly from the Saturdays and Harry, they went to karaoke, which I thought was a terrible idea. It's too early. Hard for him, though, isn't it? Because he's a royal. So, like, he's got to rule out several pots. No, it. Hard for him, though, isn't it? Because he's a royal. So, like, he's got to rule out several pubs. It's easy for him, but he could take her to a sort of a big

ambassadorial dinner in Bahrain if he wanted to. But he can't do the sort of man-in-the-street normal date of, do you want to go for a drink or a bit of food? I walked past the pub yesterday called the Queen's Arms, the Queen Vic, the King Charles, the Prince of Wales. There's loads of royal... It's going to be weird, isn't it? You can't go, should we go for a drink in my gran's arms? It's weird. What about... She's called Molly King, isn't she?

Oh, it's fake. That's going to be confusing, isn't it? But no, with these early date venues, you see karaoke, you can't expose that. That's too early on. You'll get a right molly king from his mother i'm not actually not from his mother not from his mother i'll take that it's my brother i'm sadly he's no longer with us yeah well um i i when i my first date with uh kath um my first sort of proper you know will you come with me to, we went to Gunter van Hagen's Body Worlds exhibition. No. Yeah.

I thought you went on a holiday or something. Yeah, but you can't really... No, that was date one, Alan. On a holiday. She'd already agreed to the holiday. Right. And then... And you thought you'd horrify her.

Well, I think, you know, I think it's good to bring up anatomy early on. Did you really take her there? And mortality. I think it was just a hint. That's what it was. Let's get medical. You say hint, I say warning.

I was taken to a car park once, Frank. What, and brutally beaten by a group of paramilitaries is that where this is going no i said on a date you were taking it wasn't a multi-story in fairness it was it was sort of overlooking a grassy knoll in a nice part of north london but nevertheless it was a what and you sat in the car it was a pan display there was a pan display there sit in the car what sort of girl do you think i am well what did you do in the car park?

We walked over the road to the Starbucks. Went Dutch for the Starbucks. I'm not joking. Well, that wasn't a first date in a car park, then, was it? It was. No. And then you went to Starbucks. And when we went back to the car park, we didn't stay in the Starbucks.

We sat on a bench in the car park. You couldn't stay in the... Yes. You couldn't stay in the Starbucks. You were on a meter. No, but that's why I think he didn't want to because you'd have to pay to eat in. To drink in, as it were.

Yeah, but you sat in a car. I mean, I'm worried. Not just because you were being treated like some sort of strumpet. But also the carbon monoxide. I know. Especially when you're eating. He kept yawning as well. You don eating. He kept yawning as well.

He kept yawning, Frank. You don't want petrol debris on your big coin. I presume he got you a big coin from Starbucks. I mean, what's the point? No. No chocolate on the cappuccino. He was useless. Well, I'd love to know if what strange

dates, early dates our listeners have been on. that's what i'd like to know i don't want to ask them directs it seems a bit forward but let's hope they take the hint of me saying it like i'm the third person absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio with emily dean and alan cochran and uncle tom cobley and. And Uncle Tom Copley and all. And Uncle Tom Copley and all. Someone was saying last night that Tom Conti was on a celebrity antiques roadshow. Good.

Got it, I missed that one. I really liked that one. Lovely house. Lovely big house he's got. Has he? Full of antiques by the sounds of things. Somebody texted in, somebody, Tom from Kent. Frank and the team, I know this is slightly off topic.

It's not Tom Conti. No. Tom Kenty. Tom Kenty. I know this is slightly off topic, but this is an update. I got an unexpected text from that Hungarian girl who didn't speak English, and we went out last night. Last week, Tom...

What was the manner of this text? He texted in last... Oh, yeah. If she doesn't speak English. Maybe she's got, like, a spellcheck on her iPhone. It would be a hell of a spellcheck. Perhaps she puts it in in Hungarian, and it comes out like... You need to know where to get all those accents. So you want... It's like bilingual predictive text.

Another date, yes, please, or something. Yeah. Well, I'm glad that worked out for them. I don't know what the web's going to come up with. Oh, this is the Vada date? It sounds like the Vada one date. We went out last night and she wants to see me again. So this, today's show's probably very apposite for him.

He's probably thinking, oh, now I know all these places that I shouldn't take her. The fashion cafe. There's a Hungarian cafe in... Where's he from, does it say? Kent. Kent. In Soho, there's an Hungarian cafe.

I'll take her there. I once did a... A friend of mine is a restaurant reviewer, and I went there, and... Hey, girl. Really? No, not... No, his face is too big.

I don't want a sense of carnival day when i'm out eating um no i went out and i remember they come over and went oh mr skinner it's very good to have you here and i thought oh this is terrible because if this is a negative review now i'm going to feel really bad because they're so nice to me and i said i said i feel trapped in here i said to my friend now i really i said I feel like I'm in the goulash archipelago and you know sometimes you're just so proud when a pun

is born Johnny Mathis there ladies and gentlemen thanks so hold on so it's going because I advised against it didn't I the language barrier he said no good will come of it he against it didn't i you did the language barrier he said no good will come of it because he said he said you didn't speak a word of english now she's texting

him so get your story straight east is east and west is west and near the twain and i don't mean near the twain starring windsor davis and donald cinder near the twain shall meet who said that i don't know someone from 1954 1954, probably. I think it was E.M. Forster, wasn't it? Was it? In Passage to India. Frank, there's another text. Absolute radio. Another text. There's a text in from Amanda. Hi, gang. I'm looking at the back of

Frank's head, and he looks like he has about three layers of clothing on. Is it still cold? P.S. Love the bracelets, Emily. Nice one. Oh, Danny Dyer, nice one. Well, Danny Dyer. Nice one. Well, it is... Nice one. It is actually still quite cold. So I was saying, I bumped into some Everton fans yesterday,

and they obviously thought it was summer in London, because they just had shorts and... You know those slip-on white trainers that football fans wear? Oh, yeah, like a surgeon's shoe. Yeah, but they... Obviously, they didn't seem to... I don't want to start doing material about people who wear T-shirts in the cold. The worst kind of stand-up comedy material.

About being in Newcastle and people... And the women not wearing coats, perhaps. And the women don't wear coats and the blokes wear T-shirts. Yes, I know. I heard it said in 1984! Frank, did you read about this woman who had a bit of a DIY disaster

this week? It was one of my favourite stories. Was it the flat pack thing? It's one of the best stories ever. So she got trapped, didn't she, while attempting to assemble a wardrobe. But what was she... She managed to call the emergency services. She got trapped in the wardrobe that she was

building. Brilliant that i think the secret is when you're doing a flat pack wardrobe or what don't build it around you and it's sort of beautiful as well because she's both bad at it and too good at it at the same time she's built it too well to get out of she's she become over-involved though. She's taken it. If you build it, they will come to the nth degree. Always stay outside. Retain an overview. Frank, she took her ciggies in with her.

So when the emergency services she'd smoked a whole pack. Must have been like a pea soup in there. See, this makes me wonder because she had her phone and her cigarettes with her. Yeah. Now, maybe people just carry them all the time.

I don't know. In a cardi pocket. Yeah. Do you remember the days? Did you get to get this in Birmingham? Blokes used to tuck their fags and their matches in their T-shirt sleeve. Yes. Did you get that?

Do you think she's one of those? I think she saw the disaster unfolding and thought you know if i there's a possibility i could i could end up inside this uh structure i'll go and get my fags sandwich exactly no no she's planned ahead she didn't stop she thought i'm going i'm going to carry on but I'm just going to make a few precautionary measures. It's really, it's wonderful. I've only ever built a flat pack, I think, twice in my life. And the idea that I could build one so sturdy that I couldn't get out of it. Yeah, that's the bit I don't believe.

It's just impossible. I think it's an adult game gone wrong. Maybe it happens a lot, you know. People realise that when they've built the top shelf, they're on it. They were up there tightening screws and then they can't get down. Maybe it's the norm. I think I'm going to play something

brilliant. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Hey Frank, we've had a text from Tom, you know, the gentleman with the Hungarian girlfriend-to-be, potentially. Tom Genty, yeah. Hi, Frank, Tom again.

I did forget about her, but out of the blue she contacted me. Oh, something else fell through. And she uses Google Translate. Oh, there's such a thing as Google. Oh, the web! I am going to teach her English. Now, he's used three exclamation marks in that one text message, so I can't help but think that her English...

What is the blind leading the blind? Her English is going to be exclamatory, isn't it? But that's all right. Yeah, why not? Well, you know, I might have been... Perhaps I was hasty when i said it wouldn't work out because maybe the teaching thing would be a lovely way of bonding together yeah you could do worse than a hungarian lovely yeah well i love i love bright orange hair

i'm guessing that's my guess bright orange. So you're a fan of Prince Harry. Prince Harry's more Oklahoma farmhand. I bet. Attractive, blue eyes with an air of sadness. With an air of, you know, 200 years of oppression. Is that a European thing? With a maguier temper. You know, a woman who could ride a horse, naturally. And bright orange hair. That's Hungarians for you.

Well, they're all positive. They are positive. All positive attributes. Frank, so... If you want to text us, by the way, we're on 8-12-15. Can I just say, this woman that was found in the cupboard, you know, this... Can we say we're talking about a DIY thing?

This is not a personal experience alan cochran hey uh have you seen there's a woman in cupboard at bottom of the stand emily's a dogger and i've got women in the cupboard what a show this is yeah yeah it's uh it's weird the bit that i liked about it in the article was that it had come out in the Freedom of Information Act. Yes. It's just a weird thing. Apparently the Leicestershire Fire Service have had to admit it because these are the silly calls that they get. Oh, yeah.

One of the firemen, did you hear, went, sometimes you have a bit of banter with them. I don't know exactly how that banter got... If it's a bit sexual, that's what it was. If it's a bit sexual, you can have a bit of banter with them. Is don't know exactly how that banter goes. If it's a bit sexual, if it's a bit sexual, you can have a bit of banter with them. Is that what he said? I think people are accidentally caught in, you know,

He's the kind of person that says how you're diddling not three bad, I suspect. Well, he may be. But they get asked for the damage. Imagine the smoke coming through the keyhole and stuff when they arrive. I actually think, as a fireman, if you walked in and somebody was locked in their own cupboard and smoking,

that's potentially the worst circumstance of smoking. I saw some people smoking outside a hospital the other day. That never looks good, does it? No, but it's better than inside. Smoking inside your cupboard that your stocking's really low on the... And I also hate it when smokers put a cigarette out and then get straight on public transport and it just clings to them. Good.

Oh, my God. So, we'll be back with more One Foot in the Grave. This time next week. Good. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio So I wanted to ask you if I seem like I have an air of gravitas more than I did a week ago

Is that the organisation that kills people? No it's his aftershave Oh that's dignitas I can smell the ether I feel like I've been through some kind of kills people. No, it's his aftershave. Oh, that's Dignitas. Okay. You don't want to have an air of that about you. I can smell the ether. I feel like I've been through some kind of rite of passage of more adult than I was a week ago.

You've been to Emily's car park. This time last week, I had lent my mum my house. I've never lent my mum a house before. I've lent her stuff like a carrier bag if she's taking home something but yeah it's a big old thing isn't it it's a big thing to to do so my mum and her pals they have like an easter weekend they call themselves the golden girls like thinking it's funny it's more like loose women to be honest but they uh if they're gonna pick a tv program they're exactly the loose women demographic. But they borrowed the house, and let's just say

I was more concerned about the fridge bulb going than the oven bulb going. Oh, my God. Quite a lot of vino collapso going down over that weekend, I'm fairly sure. But, yeah, it all went all right. I only had to... Was it OK?

I only had to talk her down to the cellar once I beg your pardon Well they popped a fuse You've got a cellar have you? I've got a cellar, yeah Fantastic Love the cellar, love it What have you got down there?

Wine No wonder she was down there There's no wine down there There's that woman in the cupboard There's a woman doing DIY diy she's been there ages i'm worried about her um what have we got down there household junk some weights that sort of stuff i've got a message from her that said just can you get me another 20 peter stuyvesant i thought you were gonna say b and h but no he's going stuyvesant.

20 number 6. She's been down there a long time. I don't think I could do that. I mean, I respect your open heart. Well, that's why I mentioned it, because other people are really sort of weirded out by it. Like, you've lent your house out. You've got the house lending.

Yeah, people are really weirded out by it. I'd like to be, in an ideal world, my super Frank persona, that person who you want to be. I'd like to be the kind of person who could say to someone, I'm away, come and stay in my house. You know, just help yourself. You don't think you would, Frank? I can't, I just can't.

Well, don't ever ask me, Frank, because I have sat for a friend and the iguana passed away on my watch. No. Oh, well, there you go. I had to organise an autopsy to prove it was nothing to do with me. Well, I... My thing is, even people who I hold very, very... You know, my closest, nearest and dearest friends,

my family, people who I love, if they looked after my house for a week, I know if after they'd gone, there was anything I couldn't find, I'd immediately think they'd stolen it. Frank! I just know I couldn't find, I'd immediately think they'd stolen it. Frank! I just know I would. Oh, my God! I know it's terrible, but I know that would happen,

and that would cause a big rift in our relationship, because, I mean, you know, when I brought it up... What if it was David Baddiel or someone? Well, you know, I can resist everything except temptation, as I think Oscar Wilde said. I think he did, yeah. I don't know if he was talking about domestic pilfering. I don't think so.

Well, whatever. Whatever! I think his temptations were great. And also, people say things, even when people stay, they say things, did you know that the door handle in the bathroom had knocked a big hole in the plaster? And I thought, it hadn't.

It definitely hadn't. Is there? Well, I did have to send a text saying, did you guys use the oven? Because the oven doesn't seem to be working. Oh, you see? Broken or stolen? They hadn't used the oven, but for some reason it had been twisted,

like it had gone onto timer, so it wasn't working. They hadn't used the oven, my eye. They've broken it and they've said, let just what the story is our story is we have we have near used the oven that's i'm working my way through the cockerels whole family as far as the impressions are concerned this is frank skinner absolute radio Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had an email in. This was, I don't know if you remember,

but you were talking about how you had a picture of yourself on the wall dressed as the Pope. Well, you were talking about it. Yes, I was, actually. I mentioned the fact that I'm my own screensaver and you mentioned the fact that there's a portrait of me as the Pope. Well, I rather love it, that painting. It was won Comedy comedy awards made me feel nostalgic for the 90s i liked it yes um steve os i'm glad you associate me with comedy awards

come on move on i'm sorry oh god no it's all right contracts are up um steve os frank i'm so sorry i'll never do it again. Steve-Oss says... Steve-Oss? Yes, that's what he's called himself. Unless it's Steve-O-S. Steve-Oss, I imagine, is the unsuccessful son that didn't make Stavros Flatley. The one, the sort of Amy Osbourne, who thought, I wish I'd done it now,

when he suggested that we both dance with him. And I said, I know, it's embarrassing. Now I've missed out on the old SF phenomenon. Well, he's talking about, Steve Austin's talking about stuff on his wall. Oh, OK. He says, on my toilet wall, I have a prison discharge notice from Pentonville for my great-grandfather, the right-on George Lansbury, Labour Party leader. He was imprisoned for speaking out in favour of women's suffrage

and released after going on hunger strike. This is next to my similar notice for being drunk and disorderly in a public place, Exeter, 1974. Steve-Oss. Well, I'll tell you, I've got a similar, that kind of framed juxtaposition, if I may say that. I've got, when I got 5,500 people watching me at the Battersea Power Station, it was the biggest, at the time, it seems minuscule now,

at the time it was the biggest solo stand-up gig ever in the world. Wow. Can you believe that? So it's actually, I've got the Guinness Book of Records certificate framed next to a show I did in Edinburgh in 1988, which says, total venue sales, zero. Fringe office sales, zero. Number in audience, zero.

And then it goes on to say, capacity, 100. Opens, which means empty seats, 100. I thought, OK, no one was there. You don't have to put it in all those different ways. So I've got those framed together as a sort of symbol of progress. So that you know the yin and yang. Exactly, so I can walk with kings and keep the common touch.

Oh, I don't know about the second part. But also, I saw this email. Oh, yeah. Because this came in the week, didn't it? Midweek email. Yeah, and I looked up... Oh, George Lansbury. George Lansbury is great.

And this guy comes from quite a family, really. Why are they called him Steve Osterhen? The granddaughter of George Lansbury, the former Prime Minister, is Angela Lansbury. No. Yeah. So, what about that? Drunken disorderly, she wrote. And not only that, but his other, her cousin, if you like, the other...

You've been doing some deep Googling this, Skinner. Yeah, is Oliver Postgate of, you know, Noggin the Nog and Bad Puss. Oh, yes, I do know. And Emily Loved Him. Oh, that could apply to a few people. I can't apologize. So what about, so this guy, what a family. A Prime Minister, Angela Lansbury and Oliver Postgate.

Yeah. What a dinner party that would be. Have you had a quiet week? Quite a lot of research. I was really impressed by that. We don't get many great-grandchildren of prime ministers right in, let's face it. Anyway. Frank, have you been reading about this child

with the same IQ as Stephen Hawking? Oh. She's called Heidi Hankins. Parents wanted her to be famous, Parents wanted her to be famous. So wanted her to be famous. I'm worried that she has the same initials as Heil Hitler. Because there's always a hint of master

race. I think she's a pretty child but, you know, blonde hair, blue eyes. Do you feel a bit like blonde hair, blue eyes, high IQ? What could possibly go wrong? Well, to illustrate how clever she is, they cited some instances. She can count to 40. How old is she again?

She is four years old. She can recite Owl and the Pussycat. That's impressive. That's good, yeah. Well, it's funny you should say that, because those were her exact words, that's impressive, when she was served up some fish fingers once.

So she's already developed irony. That's impressive, when she was served up some fish fingers once. So she's already developed irony. That's impressive. But you see, I don't hold much truck with the IQ test. And that's because... I know what you mean. Well, I'll tell you why, Frank. I did one once. I went online.

I'd had a few glasses of wine, I won't lie. It was during Testination. It was a live interactive IQ. I thought, oh, I'll do this. Thinking I'm going to i'm gonna absolutely surely in the top two i've got about 85 oh oh dear do you think that was the vino collapser at work no i just i panicked and also i'm not good on spatial awareness so it was the triangle in the rhombus that i can't do any of that i don't it didn't ask me to quote from the wasteland which I could have done with some ease. Well, fair enough. Only

the other day, my wife and I were sat on the couch and an IQ test came up on the telly and she said, have you ever sat on an IQ test? And I said, no. I said, have you? And she said, no. And she said, shall we do one online now? And her iPad was by the telly about six feet away and neither of us

could be bothered moving for it. We failed the application test before the IQ test. That's why IQ is so often wasted. People who've got it just can't be bothered to use it. Maybe that's it. It's better not knowing, though, isn't it? I think it's always people without qualifications, if I'm honest. I think it's that type of intelligence, isn't it, that it's... How can I put it? In a kind way.

Carol Vorderman, bright. Carol Vorderman's one of those members of Mensa, isn't it, that it's... How can I put it in a kind way? Carol Vorderman, right. Carol Vorderman's one of those members of Mensa, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. There's only three people I can think of that I know for a fact are members of Mensa. Carol Vorderman, Jimmy Savile and Dolph Lundgren. But I just think, I agree, I just... I don't know how good at dinner parties these people are. Which, let's face it, is the be-all and end-all of life.

No, I don't... I think Heidi's a bit young for that kind of thing. Which, let's face it, is the be-all and end-all of life. Well, I think Heidi's a bit young for that kind of thing. Oh, not in my childhood. That's when you're peaking. I noticed that my girlfriend, she went away. She was out last night, and I got a night in on my own, and I watched a 90-minute, a very fine 90-minute documentary about Stalin's contribution to World War II. And I thought, I'm becoming a dad already.

I have to watch documentaries about World War II. It's the most dad thing ever. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Frank, I was telling you about my hatred of IQ tests and people with high IQs, actually. Have you ever been asked...

They ask celebrities to join Mensa sometimes, I note, or to take IQ tests. I did have a look at the Mensa website. On the web. It's been web week. What is it? www. No, because that's what people like Wogan say

as well. Yeah, hash. Forward slash. Forward slash. Yeah. Org. That's the real old. Anything that's got org in it, I think,

there's still things with Org in the title. Anyway, so you can buy... What about this? You can buy... You know I love a hooded top. Oh, you love a hoodie. But a hooded top with Mensa across. Who would wear in a million years?

Clever but comfortable. That's what you're telling the world there, isn't it? Well, let's not call it clever. Let's say good at IQ tests. Yeah. Which is different. And also, one of their things is, what about this? It's a Mensa mug, but it's got what they call an ambigram on it.

What's that? Not being a member of Mensa, I wouldn't know. Well, who would? So what it is, it means it reads the same upside down both ways. And it said, so you can, it says Mensa when you're having a hot beverage and also when it's upside down on the draining board. And I thought, this is the point, see?

It's intelligence being used for reasons that... No one cares. Yeah, no one cares about that. Who sits thinking, I might go and read some of the crockery, actually, while it's drying? Seems a shame for it to be doing nothing when I could be perusing it.

The number of times my wife walks into the kitchen and I'm doing a headstand so that I can read my Ran 10 Miles mug from the sale Harry has from last year. I thought you meant you were cleaning CDs. Frank, we've had an email in have we yes i'm going to call this felt tip gate okay um this was it's regarding the sound of scribbling in the show someone i think alan's been contacted we were texted about this last week I've received a number of tweets

from my followers some Twitters, have you had some Twitters? yes, I've had some Twitters on the www.forward slash Riri Reyes has tweeted on the podcast I often hear scribbling in the background are you playing Sudoku? well I can exclusively reveal the identity

of the phantom scribbler it is Daisy the producer and sometimes she writes notes to Frank doesn't she Frank? she writes notes like shut up you've been talking for six minutes or brace yourselves it's the fall yes

it's sometimes a good sign as well because it means that she's scribbling notes for things that we've said that are good bits if we say anything funny and it doesn't happen every week, but if we say anything funny, Daisy makes a note of them so they can go on the trailers. That is correct. And we should also say that Frank insists that she uses a feather and ink.

So that's why it's so noisy. Yeah. And sometimes there's a double whammy, is that the owner of Absolute sits in the corner writing begging letters. And that's often quite feverish. And of course I have so many autograph requests I have to... I mean, I'm doing them. I'm basically doing them all the time.

It's like chewing gum to me. Sometimes I'll do a Day of the Trippids DVD. Once I did it. But I did do it. Take Winslet on the telly. Frank, you can't just watch telly doing a show. Sorry, everyone. Not in your front room.

Sorry. For God's sake. She's aged well. She's aged with grace. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, so there is... Well, I'm sorry about that. It used to happen when i did gag tag with bob monkhouse apparently if i said anything that got a big laugh and you could hear him writing it down

a certain colored pen for jokes that were other people god rest god rest his soul yes brilliant any other communications from the outside world Yes, we've just had a text in from James Cravon. He says, glad to see that you enjoy a kibble. Did he use to do news round? Ah, he might well have done. That's twice you've quoted England's greatest short story writer, with Never the Twain and Keep the Common Touch. If you slip in the female of the species is deadlier than the male,

you've scored an easy hat trick. Keep up the air edition, James. But I thought Never the Tw. You've scored an easy hat trick. Keep up the erudition, James. But I thought never the twine was E.M. Forster. Is that who he means? Well, he presumably means Kipling, if it's Kipling. He's suggesting it's Kipling. Let's find out. Is it Mr. Kipling?

It's all gone. Very Anglo-Indian literature. Yeah, and that's how we like to end this show, generally speaking. So, I will now recite the whole of Gunga Din. I'm going high water. You've gone longfellow. Anyway, look,

Not The Weekend podcast, which is even more of this drivel, will be available to download from Wednesday. That's completely exclusive and original material, which you can only get on the web. from Wednesday. That's completely exclusive and original material which you can only get on the web.

I don't think there's anything else to add other than if the good lord spares us and the creaks don't rise. We'll be back this time next week. Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio