The Frank Skinner Show - The Yorkie Lyrics

Episode Date: July 11, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The team bring you another show working from home. This week Frank has been tidying, wearing un-ironed clothes and has moved from the linen basket! The team also discuss the Elton John coin, Jess Glynne’s hoodie and Emily’s Birthday gifts.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Now, you can't text us because we are not live today, but you can still follow us at Frank on the radio on Twitter and Instagram. And of course, you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. Good morning, guys. Morning. Morning, all.

Frank, would you care to reveal, we were doing a sound check before we started and we could hear a noise, couldn't we? I don't think that's true. Oh, yeah. Would you care to reveal what you were doing well the sound check was I felt meandering

a little you know for me a sound check is what did you have for breakfast ping ping ping and you're through but it was a bit of this and a bit of that so I thought I just noticed that my fingernails were looking a little bit extended so I cut my fingernails which point the producer started saying hold on i'm sorry i'm getting a bit

of a clicking on the line there's some sort of um but it wasn't a technical thing it was uh it was a human thing yeah so that was i'm not ashamed of that i don't like you know just dead time okay i'm the same during the um during the check, I was putting those toe dividers in and just varnishing my toes. Well, I'm glad we're not together in the studio because that is one of my worst things. I was in a dressing room once and my support act's wife started doing her fingernails and I said,

I'm going to have to ask you to get out because the smell is just a woman did it on a plane once when I was off and I complained and she was a bit shirty and the stewardess backed me up. Oh really? I'd be more comfortable with the smell of the varnish than the sound of the Clippers that you displayed to us all just moments ago. OK. I wouldn't cut my nails on an aeroplane. I had my waxing strips out for my tash.

The reason I wouldn't... Moving on. The reason I wouldn't cut my fingernails on a plane is I might need them for gripping the fuselage as we plunge towards the ocean good point so you know imagine the frustration if you think my only chance is to grip the fuselage and I've just cut my finger oh you know that four seconds that you've got left,

you don't have to think about anything else. Simple as that. Now, I've got some, I feel very liberated today because I am not at my linen basket as I have been for this entire lockdown radio record thing. But I've been tidying my room for i would say the last six weeks nine years old yeah i've been tidying about two or three hours a day it was it was a it was a bit miss havisham it had reached that stage and I've I've really I've I did things like I vacuumed um and I've um I've filed things I've got plastic bags that just have dental items I mean I've really gone for it

and finally there is enough room on my desk for me to put two elbows on it and the microphone. And so, yeah, I really feel like today, in fact, I can see most of you guys, there is a photograph on my desk of my radio family, excluding Faye, who hadn't yet arrived. I think you can see I'm pregnant with her at the time. you can see I'm pregnant with her at the time. We're standing outside a Coldplay gig, which... Oh, yes. I mean, that's so Absolute Radio in microphone form. I love it.

No, it would be Nickelback or something, wouldn't it? Wouldn't it be something like that? Have I ever met Nickelback? No, you haven't. No. Kings of the Stone Age? Yeah. Kingson made that up have i made that up kings of the stone age yes queens of the stone age can i just clarify queens of the stone age kings of leon yes okay leon did i say leon all that um kings of leon So there we are. So, yeah, I had an incident. Yes.

You know when you're tidying and you get into a super tidy mind that everything has to be perfect. And I had clothes piled on the stairs and books piled on the stairs, all in the right order so they could be dispersed to their correct places. stairs all in the right order so they could be dispersed to their correct places and then I had an incident which was um slightly heartbroken but philosophically um invigorating and I'll tell you what it was after this so um I I set the scene uh in the last link that I was I've been doing extensive tidying I had all these things on the stairs in neat piles waiting to be dispersed. And I had a handheld vacuum. Do you know the kind I mean? Yes.

Like a sort of car vacuum, but the chunkier version of a car vacuum. Maybe you might use it for an estate. Oh, yeah. And I'd been cleaning up with that and there were all these pristine things on the stairs and i dropped at the top of the stairs i dropped this handheld vacuum cleaner and it bounced down the stairs and as it bounced the the door thing sprang open on it and dust and dirt sprinkled on all these things as it went down the stairs but the thing about it was there was sun streaming in through the the main window of the stairs and there was quite a lot of glitter

window of the stairs and there was quite a lot of glitter in the uh in the vacuum and even though i was really distressed that all my work had been undone it was if you can imagine it a character death in uh and a my little pony movie in which they fell down the stairs it was like that it's like a rainbow a rainbow was spilling from them instead of, instead of, I don't know, aqueous and vitreous humour from their split open eyes. Or I imagine it also, Frank, because if one of the Scissor Sisters tipped their bag upside down, that's what would come out maybe. Yes, yes. And, you know, at first I was, oh, no. And then I sat at the top of the stairs and I sat there for about five minutes and just thought about what had happened. And I really found a whole plane of calmness I didn't know I had.

And I thought that could have been me. What if it had been me? That would have been me. As you you know my bones now are like arrows yeah and I would have gone down I feel my joints sort of puffed out little dusts of dried marrow as I hit each stair and I just sat down and I basically philosophized about it and I thought it OK. This is not a really bad thing. I can tidy this. And of course, there's a vacuum cleaner just there at the bottom of the stairs. So it all sorted itself out.

I think I understand what's happening here. I think there's something actually quite restful about momentary anger. quite restful about momentary anger about, I don't know, maybe eight weeks into lockdown when I was, like I had a twitchy eye and I was really worried about the fact that the world seemed to be having this plague. And then there was a moment I went to the fridge and I tried to get some blueberries out of the fridge, but somebody had put the lid, like the plastic lid on the blueberries, some blueberries out of the fridge but somebody had put the lid like the plastic lid on the blueberries and they sort of catapulted all over me and blueberries were just spread all over the kitchen floor and it was I just I felt really annoyed but for just a few seconds it was like normal life was back I was just annoyed at blueberries Covid didn't exist it was great

actually it's probably the highlight of lockdown for me. So what is the moral at the end of this? Well I've been breaking things myself. Oh yeah, get angry. I've been having a lot of clumsiness in lockdown and unlike Mr Bean, it's not a priceless oil painting that I deface it's it's more it's the mundane calamities as you say isn't it it's the vacuum cleaner the blueberries my glass toothbrush pot yeah it's yes there must be a moral to it but my son wrote a version of the King Midas story at school recently, and he had to put a moral at the end.

And the story he chose was everything that King Midas turned to pastry. And in the end, he touched his wife, and she turned to pastry, and he ate her. And he said the moral is that he liked her better as pastry than he did as his wife and i thought something in that on absolute radio i was talking about my uh eight-year-old i know i go on about that a lot i want to say that i mean him um but the other day is he ended school this week and he said to me would you like to have a go on my chatterbox and i thought now that's going to be some online annoying thing with you know people on it yeah

and he got out. Now, do you remember those? Maybe they were called chatterboxes at your school, but not at mine. Those sort of origami things where they had collars written on the top and you'd choose a collar. And if you choose blue, they'd open and close it, B-L-U-E, and then you had to choose numbers. Do you remember these? Yes.

Are these placed on your digits? Yeah. On your hands? close it b l u e and then you have to choose numbers do you remember these yes are these placed on your digits yeah it would culminate in some sort of dare like i think kiss katherine edwards is one i can remember from my school um out to katherine did you did you no i don't think i i don't think i did no. That one never turned up. Barzy's had things like sing a romantic song. Lovely. Was one of them. He's aiming slightly differently than you were.

Yeah, one you'd have liked, huh? 20 Star Jumps was one of them. Oh, I don't like Star Jumps, but yeah, I appreciate the... You don't like Star Jumps, you're so polite. I don't like Star Jumps. I don't like star jumps, but yeah, I appreciate the... You don't like star jumps, you're surprised. I don't like star jumps. It's the closest I ever really get to feeling like a starfish.

And I think that's a good... But I don't think they were called chatterboxes, those items. But I am... I cannot remember them having a name. And if they did have one, I can't remember it. Any ideas? Oh, Alan, did you have a name for those? No, I don't think we did.

What I might do is... But I think I know that they're called chatterboxes now. Well, that's because I just told you. Yeah. All right, guys. No, but I mean, that's how information operates in real world. I just wanted you to know how quickly I learn things. I mean, I sort of always just thought it was origami fortune teller.

But you don't want the... You want to give it a name. What, the OFT? Get the OFT. Oh, I'd have loved that. Get the OFT. Oh, I'd have loved that. What I'm going to do is post a picture of it and see what names people have for them.

And best, what should we call that last, best reveal? Best reveal, yes. Best ever reveal on one of those. I think I'm going to, I'll put that picture. I'll put the picture because I think people might not know what the hell I'm talking about. And that's a risk you're always going to take. So, tremendous news, the cleaner's coming back next week,

I must say. It's been a long time. Is that why you've been tidying up so carefully? Well, yeah, I thought I've got to give her something to be able to clean. Do you know what I mean? You can't go straight from Havisham. No. But because Kath has arrived at a compromise thing,

is that Kath has washed the clothes, but she will not iron that's her that's her limit so i've just been wearing unironed clothes for the whole of lockdown because you can't iron either because i was gonna say what's wrong in tony blair 1997 both are capable, but neither of us will iron. It's as simple as that. And it's difficult for me because I'm a thin man. And I know we can't use the F word anymore, but let's say big boned people sort of iron their clothes from the inside, if you know what I mean.

Whereas me, the rompledness really shows, you know, I've got nothing working against it. Imagine what it's like for Jagger, Frank. Jagger must be, I mean, the crease is on that man. That's his face, though. I'm just on about clothes. Frank Skinner on absolute radio so i've i've put a picture of um the chatterbox as i now call it up on twitter and instagram and

see what you make of it you know what i can honestly say that i was using one of those um origami what did you call it origami fortune teller I was using an rft when I was eight and I would say that you know if you can think kids toys come and go that one it's it's right up there I mean I haven't seen a hoop and stick for probably 30 years hoop and stick for probably 30 years. And no one spins, people don't spin tops anymore. Is yo-yo, is that a big deal? Well, the interest in yo-yos goes up and down.

Ah, lovely work, Alan. Thank you. No, but what I like about that, it had a simplicity about it, but it was very pure. There was no fat on it at all. No dressage. It was a lean meat joke. Love, thanks. He didn't bother with the 80s accessories or detail.

No. Stick with that. Yeah, the main theme. That's what he wanted. Lovely, pared down minimalism, 90s style. Didn't expect it to be analysed for quite this long, to be honest. Have you met Frank Skinner before, Alan? I'd like to...

Attention must be paid and thanks must be given to my radio show colleagues. I received some lovely gifts this morning for my birthday. Ah, yes. I received one of the members of our team, Faye, turned up with a cake at my gate. I wouldn't let her in, Frank. Made by Faye herself.

Yeah. She's quite a baker. Very good. Quite a hilda. One for the older demographic there. She knows, she knows, you know. I got some lovely cards. Not as useful as it was.

I had a moment though, Frank. I received a gift from you and Cathy and I opened it and it was so generous. It was a Daunt Books bag, which I thought, well, this is lovely, but it's sort of gift wrapped. And I sort of, I didn't realise you had to pay for them. So I thought it was a bit odd.

And then, of course, I shook it and the actual gift came out, which was a subscription. I've got books sent to me now. I don't know for how long this will continue, this arrangement. It's a 12 month thing, so you'll get a book a month. And I don't know if you remember, so you'll get a book a month. And I don't know if you remember, but someone bought me this in the past. And I just think, so I have actually test-driven it for you.

How was it? What you do, you have to speak to, you have to email a person and tell them what your reading habits and what you wish they were and what you're interested in and all that. And then they tailor it to that if you remember i had a bit of an argument with him about whether or not he was a robot i demanded some sort of previously forgotten yeah i i won't be doing that but i might like to toy with daunt books because they are lovely middle-class types. I might say I'm into sort of mainly Geoffrey Archer, Jackie Collins, anything like that.

Did I tell you I played cricket with Geoffrey Archer once? How was he? Clank. Disappointingly nice. Oh, was he? He was really actually quite nice and bright and funny and all the things that you don't want him to be. So, you know.

Damn him. What can you do? But thank you for my gifts. No, no, that's... I also got a placenta for Ray. Nice. Does he eat... Oh, sorry, I was thinking that was your pronunciation of placenta.

Oh, my! I don't know if dogs should have them, should they? That just seems wrong to me. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I think we're probably about due for a trip to Email Corner. As regular readers will know, I don't have access to jingles in our current remote style of recording so um i use uh the live jingle um of um what it's this one

oh suzanne beware of the devil don't let him spoil your heart that. It's a sort of a generic jingle. Go on. Well, I have an email that's a response to last week's show when we were discussing emergency stops in cars and in particular on the driving test. And I think you mooted that you'd been given the advice to do staccato braking technique, hadn't you? Yeah, you sort of go like that with your foot.

And it's supposed to, if it's an emergency thing, it will make you stop quicker, was what I was told as a youth. Well, 831ers messaged the show, Frank's pub experts were wrong. Oh. The staccato braking technique mimicked the working of anti-lock braking systems, enabling drivers of older cars such as Nooker Phantom and the rest of the gang. I don't know what that bit means. That's an actual bloke I used to drink with. Oh, is it?

It's not. I nearly said that casually when I was 14. When I was 18. Yeah, Nookafantom. And Nookafantom always had at least four or five buttons on Don on the top of his shirt. And the lapels pulled white. The shirt collar pulled outside the lapels.

So he had a fabulous V of flesh under his face. Wow. Wow. Oh, Nook of Phantom. Nooka was short for Enoch, by the way. Really? Well, not short, but it was... I would never have got to that from Enoch.

No, there's a lot of Enochs and Eli's in the Black Country. They continue to avoid skidding in an emergency. It didn't necessarily shorten stopping, but avoided brake lock. Oh, yes! What was brake lock then? It's when the brakes lock up.

Okay, I deserved that. Thank you. I think it was good of you to add op, so it wasn't utterly derogatory in tone. Oh, it did okay. It did the job. Nook a phantom.

That's going to, I could tell you some tales. Do you think this person knows you, or is it a person who's heard you mention Nook a phantom? Well, I think Nook a phum probably featured in my autobiography, but it might be a person that used to drink at the, somewhere like the New Inn or the Crosswells in Langley Green. It's possible. Lovely.

Frank, we've also had some, you asked for, we put something up on Twitter, asking people their experiences with what we were calling the OFT, the Origami Fortune Teller. Oh, yes. Buzz is Gen, I believe he's Gen Z, isn't he still? That's still Gen Z, would call the chatterbox, you said. Yes. And it's one of those, it's like a paper flower that goes collars and then numbers and then something more profound at floor level. Well, Muz says a shim-a-sham. They were never nice, but damn, they were accurate. We've also got Richard Prescott says a chooser is what we call them.

That's straightforward, isn't it? Oceans 11 says, fortune teller, but I don't know why because they just insulted you as far as I can remember. But fortune tellers can. I remember Russell Grant saying that my career would only last seven years and I would never hold down a long-term relationship. So it all fits.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You cannot text us today. I'm afraid we're not live. However, you can follow us on twitter and instagram at frank on the radio or of course you can contact us direct through the

absolute radio website now we were discussing um communication from the outside world before the break anymore we were and we were um we were actually fielding a few emails and twitter messages uh regarding emergency stops in cars oh yeah and adam lethbridge uh messaged the show before i forget listening to frank on the radio similarly disappointed to hear that flinging your arm out during car emergencies is less familial protection rather than normal reflex it will never give me the same warm glow of father achievement again is that your that was my observation that i read somewhere that that is a natural physical instinct to do that is to reach your arm across the passenger seat when you are braking sharply or you feel there's an incident it's nothing to do with wanting to

protect your passenger no if I did it it was it would just be to stop them from reaching the dashboard in case they'd got any ideas of how they might deal with the situation, which I know would be less good than mine. And if Alan did it, it would be to stop them examining the contents of the glove compartment in case there was any cash in there. Thank you. Well, I think if it was Alan, it would be a karate chop to the throat.

My passenger seat quite often has a bag of apples on it. Sorry, is this a poem you've written or are you are you talking now it's not a character right in the haywain it's because frank's doing a poetry podcast he sees poetry everywhere now well i mean that to me my passenger seat often has a bag of apples in it'd be a great opening line i mean are you sure you haven't got a coach and horses well here's what happened i'm convinced my friend stuart said to me about maybe five six years ago oh apples are the lorry driver's friend and he claimed that lorry drivers have apples in there it depends on the lorry driver i've seen some things in lay boys driver he told me that they keep you awake and then i started he said it was something like they're the cleanest way of getting sugar to your brain so they wake you up they're good for driving

and i started doing it and then i said to him years later oh that's really good that tip you gave me about apples keeping you awake and he said no it's not me and i don't know who it was and does it work because i've i think it works i think it's good hungry and add an apple i find it just does nothing at all oh well you should i thought the uh i thought the yorkie was the sugar chair the lorry driver sat in as it were right well it's uh it's good rich and thick a milk chocolate brick if i remember the lyrics from the ad lyrics lyrics yeah it begins i've pounded the road from coast to coast yorkie and me rolling on did they do a google search i know it wasn't available at the time But nevertheless

For most macho sounding words available Well I'm going to I think I might Now we're here I've pounded the road from coast to coast Yorkie and me rolling on Because a hard day's run Can be short on fun

Without Yorkie to lighten my load big rich and thick a milk chocolate brick Yorkie's a mighty big mouthful and then it went Yorkie's the way that real milk check wait for it milk is the way that Yorkie's the way that real milk chocolate ought to be and when I still that big old mill there's still enough in store for me in that Yorkie bar of mine. That was it. And I can't remember conversations I had yesterday.

How's that fair? No, neither can I. But the Yorkie lyrics stock like burrs in animal pelt. That sounded like your poetry podcast had just gone a bit sort of on the sponsorship front. You just signed a deal which compromised you a bit too much. Yeah, with Roundtree. I don't know if it makes you all keep,

but I hope it's Roundtree. It sounds suitably low rent. In the way, you know, Cadbury's had all right, Nestle. Round, oh, I couldn't, we couldn't make it work. I had to go round three in the end. I'm sorry if anyone on Absolute is sponsored by round three. He likes Cadbury's because of the quavers there. Love the pastels.

What's in the news other than um terrible things well there's something i'd very much like to talk about but before i do i've just looked something up with all our round trees talk because i wanted to confirm you're correct frank it was round trees can you both guess when the Aero was first introduced? Because this is the kind of fact that surprises me. What year? I think the Aero is 59. Alan Cochran? What, introduced in 59? Yes. Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Aero. You know, like that. I'm going to go 82. 1882. No, 1935. Fruit pastels were introduced in 1881. Thank you. That's enough chocolate talk.

We're better than this. So you could get a plane arrow before you could get an aeroplane. Very good. I don't think it quite works historically, but by the time you've had the laugh by them, by the time they're working out the interval, they can't take that laugh back. No, they can't. So well, can I talk to you both about someone who's almost become a friend of the show? Kim Chobham?

No, but close. Can I ask a question, by the way? Where is the Roundtree's HQ? I believe it's in York. So Terry is of York. Is York a particular, the chocolate capital of the UK? And is Terry someone who used to work for Roundtree and sort of decided you know you know

what I could do this on my own and he sort of he's a sort of spin-off right like Adi Dazzler I believe um the the chocolate industry was traditionally associated with Quakers wasn't it Cadbury's were Quakers Bourneville and uh yeah yeah and I believe Roundtree's might have been as well so I don't know if there was that was a particular meeting point for the Quakers York perhaps it was uh meanwhile over in Elton John world which we all just live in yes He's a friend of the show. Yes, he's a friend of the show. It's fair to say he gets a fair amount of real estate on this show. And Royal Mint coins, we like a Royal Mint coin. That also gets real estate. And we had a marvellous blending of the two this week

because Elton John has had his first coin, Frank. Oh, come on. Have you seen it? I saw this coin. I like the sort of, it's a minimalist design, isn't it? It's not like a picture of Elton John, like you might get Winston Churchill on the, I don't know if you remember the Winston Churchill crown,

which is quite a detailed picture of Churchill. But this is, it's basically a straw bowtie and a pair of round spectacles and a dickie bow yeah and at first I thought they were honoring the eccentric inventor Wilfred make peace lon if you remember him but he had exactly that that that um that was that was his image um but no i wish the mint rarely goes that left field no in my experience who would you most like to see on a british coin what about asking that on twitter and instagram i would go for wincy Willis oh I'm going for the person go on odd because he's large on as well yeah large on perfect

Alan that would be good Ramius I wouldn't I wouldn't mind someone who'd been in an air rage scandal Maybe a series of coins The air rage collection With people who've been in trouble on planes I don't know about you but I'd be very happy to have those in a souvenir plastic case with specially sized holders. Maybe aeroplane shaped. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were talking about the new Elton John coin.

I don't know when it will actually be in our pockets, but it will be out there soon. I'm fairly confident it won't be in my pocket because from what I could tell, one 50 pence coin was £12 or going right up to £64,950 for the gold version. Gold, Elton John, you do surprise me. Although, can I just say, guys?

Imagine the horror of someone who was very woke, who got a bunch of these coins and then he got cancelled and they wouldn't be able to spend them. They'd be starving for their beliefs. They'd laugh at their life savings. I suppose they could go out at night and put them into slot machines. I'm always confused when they apply the psychological... Would it work?

Sorry? Sorry, I just wondered would the gold ones work in a slot machine? Like, are they too heavy to be recognised as a 50 pence? I doubt anyone's ever put a gold coin. If you wanted to play snooker with it. Pool, I suppose. If you wanted to get one of those chewable tooth cleaner things with a 50,000 pound coin or whatever. I don't know.

I'm sure he won't get cancelled anyway. He's fine. He's fine. He is now inhabiting the boater chair, isn't he? He's the person one associates with the straw boater. I mean, I would have... Harold Lloyd is the last person, certainly from my era. Well, like I say, for me, it's Wilfred Makepeace-Long.

Do you remember him? I mean, if any of our, there might be some of our readers that don't actually know who I'm talking about. He's still around, I think. But he was that rarest of things. He was in the inventor chair. Yeah. I don't know who else has been in that.

Magnus Pike? I know he was... James Dyson. He was... Eccentric scientist was Magnus Pike rather than inventor, wasn't he? Yeah. Who's the current? Who's in the inventor chair now?

It's got to be James Dyson, hasn't it? Oh, yes. I think it probably is. Because he did the wheelbarrow that somebody did better out of the idea than him. And then he went back and came back with the vacuum cleaner and the air blade. All right, tomorrow's world. Lovely potty biography there. I wasn't going to go through all of them.

I felt like it was... Weird factual biography. Eating too much of the show up, I think, perhaps. No, it's fine. I mean, I think it did cause a slight vacuum. Oh. Anyway. Oh, lovely.

Look, there are worse... Whose phone? That's so you, Frank. Well, it's not... I tell you what, my phone is off. But that is my distant iPad. I'm sorry everyone, I've pressed decline. Okay. Oh no, sorry, that's my career gauge.

I was reading this story in the son online and they had they did that thing of having whenever they have any sort of music story they will do a list of the person's hits turned into puns that are relevant to the story sigh and they included go on no I was just gonna say I always imagine how that ends up in the paper. And I think it's because some sub is furious and has a meltdown and says, I spent two hours thinking of these headlines and you've not gone with any of mine. Yeah, I said, all right, mate. All right, mate, we'll point it. I didn't know there was also, by the way, there was a Queen coin which completely i i missed that yeah totally but i don't mean with the queen on obviously i mean that the band i knew there was a queen coin

did it feature brian may's hair and deep relief it was mainly roger deacon i think foregrounded okay not really it's not even sure that's his name but you know oh well it's why it's a deacon anyway i'll i'll i'll run these ponds by you when i when we return frank skinner frank skinner absolute radio so i i promised you all the um the sons the sons ponds on um on elton john being on a coin now i gotta tell you i'm a big fan of the point i know a lot of people hate them and they're unpopular but um let's go there's be some rubbish here. Dime still standing. I mean, it's an American currency.

It's not a dime. Come on. Sorry seems to be the hardest wad. No, it's not a wad. It's a coin. It's paper money. Copper dial rock. What's the dial?

Well, I mean, it's bad. There was no joy in the meeting in which they discussed these ponds, is what I would say. It was like, what about copper about a copper dial, put it down put it down Paul be fine, I imagine this is what page three was like towards the end

get my top off if you like I mean I suppose so you know what I mean that thing, we've done it now, we've really done it. Still, the old John Coyne, ladies and gentlemen, is what we're talking about. Now, this is one of the very, very few drawbacks of celebrity.

And I'll be honest with you, there aren't many. Is that if you split up with someone, normally if you split up with a person like in the old days before I became a sort of a, dare I say, public figure, you'd split up with them and you might never see or hear from them again. That was it. But I think if you're in the paper then with your next girlfriend or who or just just around in the paper it's just

like twisting the knife a bit and it's not really much you can do about it and what worries me about this is if Elton and David furnish split up David furnish is gonna be yeah someone's gonna it's gonna be saying keep just keep the change I can't face it just in case. Or if anyone splits up with Wilfred make peace long I think they'll be in a similar situation leon redbone leon redbone do you remember him no no he was a sort of a um jazz blues he was one of these guys who only wore clothes from the 1920s he just lived he lived in the 1920s right up until when he died a couple of years ago and he looked exact that coin if if they decide on a leon redbone memorial coin they can use the same pressing you're saving the royal mint work yeah can i say boys um i'm surprised though i mean i know they've gone for the sort of iconography one associates with Elton John, obviously.

It's your classic, isn't it? Your straw boater and your jaunty specs. I'd have gone for just one close-up of a platform boot. No, see, I think the thing is, I think, I mean, it's leisure wear he wears now. He's a leisure wear fan. Yeah, I would have gone with a white shell suit on a coin. A shell suit with a sort of tufted squirrel hairdo. Yeah, and a suit jacket.

His tracksuit bottoms and suit jacket, that's his vibe. With the sleeves rolled up. But that's it. If you're that famous, you can develop your own style. And respect to Mondo. That's the name of his houseboy. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. Absolute radio. Have we had any? We've got a few things on the go. Twitter, Instagram wise. I think we've got the who we'd like to see on a British coin and the fortune teller theme. Yes. The origami fortune teller OFT, which I'm still sticking with that. I'm still tending. Joanne Taylor has suggested Paper Snapper. Either of you come across that description of the origami fortune teller? No.

No, and for a second there, I thought Paper Snapper was a celebrity that was being suggested to go on a coin. I just thought I was really behind the curve. On the I'm still still tandy i'm still standing theme i realized now that this um having bands on the coins is a sort of a reversal of what happened with oasis wasn't he because isn't their album on the shoulders of giant giants didn't they get that name yes you're right and what's written around the edge of a giants didn't they get that name once written around the edge of a two-pound coin which is on the shoulders of giant so no it's all

you couldn't have that on an Elton John coin while we're on the shoulders of giants open brackets what a party that was close bracket what while we've a meandered down Coyne cul-de-sac, just a few suggestions. Now, while we're here, we may as well take a look at the scenery.

A few suggestions for who people would like to see featured on the Coyne. We've got Shirley Crabtree as a suggestion. Oh, yeah. Good show. Big Daddy.

Daydreamer has suggested The Venerable Bede, a a great scholar and his most important work was written in my hometown do you know where that is frank i'm guessing he's from jarrow oh well i mean it's information i don't i can't confirm at this stage but i'll take well he was he was at the um monastery in jarrow for really his whole life. So I'm fairly confident. So it's a good bet. I think he went to Lindisfarne once for a day out. Went to Londis?

He wasn't a traveller. Went to Londis for a day out? He didn't write much travel stuff. He did a podcast, though. He was no Bill Bryson of his day, was he? No, no, he was not Brysonic in any way. Steve Phillips has suggested three lions on a coin. We've got a lot of Stan Laurel, a lot of David Attenborough.

Of course. Yeah. Of course. What about Mike Pence? That would confuse people, wouldn't it? Paul Burke has suggested Steve Bruce which is an interesting and can I say I think overwhelmingly the most popular choices are Frank Skinner closely followed by David Baddiel. Oh really? Steve Bruce on a coin and the nice thing is you wouldn't have

to have any relief on it because his face has basically been flattened by years of very physical challenges. Yes. I remember him being interviewed on the telly with a black eye quite recently. And someone had, he'd looked out of his bedroom window and someone was trying to steal his car off his forecourt and he was out there.

You don't want Steve Bruce looming out the shadows in his jar matroses terrifying oh man i should think as long as he managed to save war property that'd be all right you know he says war that geordie thing of saying war instead of hour. So he'll say war midfield. Steve Bruce, love him. Is it out else? Yes, we've also had, I'm going to whisk us back into the origami fortune teller, just because Anna Banana has said that the central reveal we're calling it aren't we

the midfield of the piece she said she would often snog someone for 40 seconds wow I don't know about that in these times Frank no well I mean I had a lot of Qatar as a youth I could

I'd have died. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. I'm sorry, but don't text us. We're not live. We'd like to be, but it's not possible. Just at the mini.

However, you can follow us at Frank on the radio on Twitter and Instagram, and you can email us at frank on the radio on twitter and instagram and you can email us through the absolute radio website so you know we are doing that at the moment people are contacting and i love it we haven't really heard about um i haven't heard anything about you guys and your lives what i had i had a major potential financial incident this week huge you accidentally ordered the elton john gold coin i ticked the wrong one i meant to get the 1250 and i got 64 000 one clean me out nearly um you could just apologize but course, sorry seems to be the hardest what. Oh, that's terrible.

Now, people have just tuned in. They'll think he's lost it, frankly, if he thinks that is good enough. So go on, tell us about your finance. Well, I had a call from my bank this week. I'd been frauded. I'd been a victim of fraud oh they alerted me to it charming man he introduced himself i like it when they do that he said my name is andrew martin he kept referring to me as madam which they don't often do normally it's miss dean nevertheless

was there a millisecond when you thought it was andrewr. And then the tin arrived. Yeah, Minister, will you answer the question? And so he continued reading out the suspicious payments. And we all know, you know, we all know how it goes, don't we? A lot of electronic goods, a lot of alcohol, a lot of meat. They like meat, the card choicers. Yes. Well, I once bought £7 thousand pounds worth of jewelry in tahiti

and i mean i didn't but someone did on my thing that was uh really it's a heat he's glamorous though you had tahiti you know what i had grills with a zed steakhouse in birmingham he said have you been to grills with a Z steakhouse in Birmingham? I said, let me think. When was this? Last week. Wasn't that your chance to say I can't bear grills? Where's our jingle for a round of applause? That is absolutely first class. I love the sound of grills. I love any place you go where you're offered a plastic bib for the eating. It sounded very sweet corn in the salad, potentially.

Yeah, I like the sound of it. But it sounded nice. So we're having a nice bants, me and Andrew Martin. We're getting to know each other. He says, oh, audible payment, £7.99. I said, you know what, Andrew, getting to know each other. He says, oh, audible payment, £7.99. I said, you know what, Andrew, I don't remember it. But let's be honest, I don't think a card fraudster is going to sit down and think, oh, I must download that Julian Barnes book tonight to have a listen to. I think that probably was me. He said, I think you're right, madam.

Oh, you got him there. Then you had him in the palm of your hand. Oh, I really did, Frank. So as we're talking, he says, I'm really sorry. I think this fraud looks quite comprehensive. So we might have to cancel your account. You're going to have to open a new account. I said, Andrew, you're joking. He said, I'm not joking, Adam. So eventually, he said, you'll be issued with your new account details within 24 hours. In the meantime, I want to keep your money safe. So I need you to move all the money from your savings account into your current account.

I said, that's quite unusual. Now I'm starting to think Andrew is a scammer. I said, that seems a bit weird. He said, I know, I know. It seems very strange. But check the number on your phone. I checked the number. It was the Lloyds Bank number.

I said, it just seems quite extreme. I said, I'm just not sure, Andrew, it seems a bit strange. She said, calm down, madam, have a glass of water. Boston? I don't think he's very ascetic. You might have been having wine, telling you to hit the water. I like a Purdy's. Ben, something happened, Frank.

Gambit told me. Something happened and it changed everything. happened, Frank. It's what Gambit told me. Something happened and it changed everything. Oh, yeah. Do you want to know what it was? I do. He started reading through the code I would need because I was panicking. I felt that was a drastic act moving the money over. He said, to reassure me, he said, here's the code.

I'll give you the code. I'll text it to you. He said, I'll read it to you. It's PTR201. I said, OK,ure me, he said, here's the code. I'll give you the code. I'll text it to you. He said, I'll read it to you. It's PTR201. I said, OK, can you repeat that? He said, yes, P for Poppy, T for Tango, R for Rover. I said, Andrew, do they teach you the phonetic alphabet? He said, yes, they do.

I said, P is Papa, R is Romeo. I felt like Eddie Wayne. I felt like Eddie Wayne. Wow. I said, I've got to go. That didn't mean he was a baddie, did he? Because he didn't know that. I put the phone down. I r like Eddie Waynethrop. Wow. That didn't mean he was a baddie, did it? I put the phone down. I rung Lloyd's bank. Andrew Martin was a fraudster.

What? Oh, wowee. I know. I know. Great work. Very good. But horrible. Horrible story. It doesn't end there. I was insulted after that, but we'll get to that. OK, well, I'm happy to leave that as a cliffhanger.

Come back to where Emily insulted. But not in the studio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, what we left you on, Cliffhanger, is that Emily, having fabulously evaded a fraudster on the phone, it's a horrible story in many ways, but happy ending. So how did it culminate? So I discovered this Andrew Martin character was a fraudster I discovered because I put the phone down and I spoke to a charming man in the fraud in the genuine fraud department he was a scouser he was called Paul he said I am so sorry Miss Dean

this is terrible it's awful and I said well I was just so shocked they cloned the number it's called automatic push payment everyone so don't ever move your money okay um he said message received and understood thank you he said i'm so glad you didn't part with any money i said oh me too he said you know what's disgusting is that they take advantage and they play on the elderly i said i beg your Paul. He said, it's just wrong. It's disgusting. I said, I'm sorry. No, the bit after that.

What did you say? He said, oh, no, madam, I didn't mean you. I mean, they do it to youngsters. I said, well, I'm hardly a youngster. He said, I know that. Oh, dear, poor Paul. He said, I know that. I said, thanks a lot.

He didn't know it was your birthday week, did he? No. Oh, well, maybe he did. So my money was safe, but my self-respect was in tatters. But what I can say is, yes, for any... I'd rather have the money. So would I. Yes.

I think I've proved that on many, many TV shows over the years. Take advantage of the elderly, Frank. I mean, please. Oh, no. But, I mean, it is a horrible story and I hope it's one that our readers can learn from. Don't trust anyone, and I'm including your close family. Very good.

And Andrew Martin, in retrospect, Frank, it sounds a bit made up. It's like he watched Doc Martin and just saw Andrew Garfield or something and thought, oh, I'll call it. it sounds a bit made up. It's like he watched Doc Martin and just saw Andrew Garfield or something, thought, oh, I'll call it. That sounds a name. Unless he did choose Andrew Marr until I think people might pick up on this. He won't know Andrew Marr.

Well, he laughed at your audible gag. Yeah. Oh, that's true. He's not so bad now. Maybe I should have given him the money. She's got to be a bit clever to be a fraudster. Yeah. I mean, I'm not, you know.

It's a terrible thing, and I hope something horrible happens, obviously, to all fraudsters. To the fraudster. I need to point out something that you brought to our attention a few weeks ago, Frank, that I've now lived through. Do you remember you said that you felt like there were a number of things you were going to have to relearn after lockdown?

Yes, indeed. Was it like a PIN number or something like that? I forgot both my PIN numbers, certainly. And wearing ironed clothes another thing i'm gonna have to remember you've got both your pin numbers have you been to grills steak in birmingham recently someone there will know them i'm going well i'm i'm normally um i'm normally the motoring correspondent on this show and a reasonably high mileage driver. But lockdown, I've barely been moving around anywhere. And so for the first time in three months, I think, maybe four months, I filled the car up with fuel the other day.

I stopped at the pump, got out of the car, closed the door. And my car has one of those little press the side panel things and the door opens for you to take the fuel cap off do you know what i'm talking about i do i have the same yeah it wouldn't work it was stuck shut oh cobwebs internal cobwebs um i've had a bit of that as well I'll be straight with you me too I think we better come back for more of this

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio now Al was in the middle of a driving yarn. So you're at a petrol pump and you can't get the little door open on the pump. What does one do in that situation? And it's usually, I mean, I don't like to brag, but the car's German.

It's usually just a soft press and press to, I'm in. German it's usually just a soft press and press to I'm in when you think about it it's a it's a very satisfying piece of design isn't it that's like press on the door and it opens I don't know that I've ever appreciated it but the next time I do it I'll think ooh see you don't miss the water till the well runs dry exactly so I'm standing there and I'm thinking oh maybe it's just sort of shut but it's caught a cable or there's something in there that's jammed so i press it a bit harder and then i press it a bit harder again and increasingly and i'm quite close to just punching the thing to see if that does it and then i get my car i've seen that get my car keys, which have got like a long, thin key for a bike lock.

And I tried to go around the little, the outside of the door where it joins to see if I could loosen anything. And I'm quite panicked now. And then I just think, well, it's obviously seized up during the lockdown and I can't put fuel in my car anymore. And I give up. I think, well, I don't know what to do, but I'm close enough to home that I've got enough fuel. I can drive home and then I'll phone my mechanic and see if he knows what to do.

So I give up and I go to open my car door and get back in and just drive off without fuel. And I realise my car door's locked. I press unlock and the little door thing opens. It turns out it locks when you lock your car if you get out of it stupidly and then lock it. Who knew? It's safety from yourself.

Oh, I love that. But it's just stupidity that I got out of the car and locked it before trying to put fuel in it. That's because I haven't practised it for three or four months well you did well I have on occasion I went in it with a new car I have part the wrong side of the pumps oh you're getting with me too you know what Frank you've got to be careful because that is a problem with the elderly. Oh, yes. Arturo, I hoped your anecdote would end with me getting... ...how I was waiting for... Like a branch hitting it like Basil Fawlty.

I was hoping that you'd finally forced a little door open and inside it would be the last three inches of a siphoning tube and two human fingers. Oh, my God. But, you know, you can't have everything in life. I was hoping. Can I tell you how I hoped that would end? I hoped Alan might give a ring to the old Kung Fu fighting friends

and they might all turn up and give it a prize open. They can do the phone books and everything, Frank. They'll have no problem with that. You know those punches that you sort of almost withdraw before it's, you know, that one, just for that, and everything would happen in the car. The radio would come on and the airbags, just like the sheer perfection of timing, And the airbags, just like the sheer perfection of timing,

of the sort of Bruce Lee-ness of it would just mend the whole, fill the tank up, the fluids would all go to the right level. And it would tune automatically to absolute radio. That's what I'm saying. I feel like I should have lied about the end of my story now. No, no, it was good because, you know what it turned into the end of your story? A springboard. And it's taken us to a thousand

various places and that's what great stories always do. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Why else is in the world? I haven't been very news You know I heart news I haven't been very newsed up this week for some reason

I wore my I heart news t-shirt to bed the other night I think on't i remember oh don't be i either of you and i am loathe to go into this area after your last comment but are either of you familiar with the restaurant Sexy Fish? No. I read about it in a paper this week, but didn't know about it prior to that. I've never heard of it. Is it a chain or is it a... No, no.

Is it a string? I nearly said, is it a string? I honestly was thinking of the poo you get on goldfish. It's an incredibly lavish... I would say its demographic is you're oligarch, essentially. Really? It has a Damien Hirst, I think it is. There's a mermaid sculpture by Damien Hirst of a mermaid.

A real mermaid in formaldehyde. Real mermaid. Yeah. And there's also the floor is very famous because it's marble marble from iran it's iranian marble it's called esmeralda marble it's onyx marble i think so it's it's that sort of level um i have to say the title would put me off oh yeah oh if i'm going to eat fish i don't really want to be thinking about that aspect of them.

You know what I mean? I feel I'll be able to taste it a bit. Also, you know what? I don't want to say to a businessman, I'll meet you at Sexy Fish. No. The evening has already got a slant on it. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Sexy Fish. As soon as I hear the name of the restaurant sexy fish I think not tonight dear I've got a haddock

oh ow come on oh that's very fine oh that's good that's top top end it really is

um oh I haven't heard of it but it sounds a place that i would if i could sum up the kind of man that would go there it's a very expensive blazer with bleach jeans and he'd say something like tonight we go hard or we go home you know the time really to which I you generally want to say please go home Jess Glynn who's a singer either of you familiar with I'm living it up because I'm I'm in Dubai the whole the next week yeah okay Jess Glynn yes said in a restaurant review of sexy fish I remember reading this something along the lines of it's like being punched in the face by Dubai,

was what I believe. I believe I read that in terms of the aesthetic. But anyway, Jess Glynn, who's a singer, sings with Clean Bandit a lot. Does she write? Either of you? I didn't know who she was until I read the story. I think she's often feet, isn't she? She's feet.

She's very feet. I'm afraid she got turned away, boys, from the restaurant. I've seen her live. You haven't. She was just doing one song. Okay. Okay. She worked with them all, hadn't she?

She got very upset because she was turned away from sexy fish and she posted this picture on the gram of her in an oversized hoodie with a baseball cap underneath, the crossbody bag and the trainers saying they've just turned me away. They were rude and arrogant. And she'd gone somewhere else. it sounds like she was on her way to the gymnasium not the overnight eating i think there must be some confusion of how she's sorted her wardrobe compartments frank skinner on absolute radio We were discussing Jess Glynn's trip to Sexy Fish,

which ended in rejection at the door. Do you remember that time? I can't remember what the do was now, but I was at some big do and they wouldn't let me in. And I had to wave over Michael Hutchence who was already inside to vote for me and then they let me in they took the word of a notorious philanderer and home wrecker over mine but anyway he very kindly came over and said oh yeah this, this is Frank. Let is good. And that was that.

Was he Australian? I think he was Australian. Yes, he was Australian. We met. I'll do that again. Well now, blow me this bludger. You get the picture. Yeah.

So essentially, What do we think about this? Well, she wanted, I think she was expecting people to say you okay hun you know in response and what she actually got was mockery

I think she unwisely said it was discrimination yes that's it but then she went from that to saying oh I used the word discrimination wrongly. And actually she didn't. Like it was discrimination.

They were discriminating. Like they were recognising the distinction between what she was wearing and what they want people to wear in their restaurant. So it is discrimination. Also, I don't understand this thing on Twitter or Instagram or whatever where people think, oh, people didn't like me using the word discrimination, so I'll change it. No one will remember that I used that word. Have you ever seen... Or they take a tweet down and go, whoa, that was a close one.

And then it just sits in the paper and then they took the tweet down, which makes it ten times worse. It's so much worse come on people yeah oh and no burberry as well while you're at it that's what i'd like to do i'd like to do that as a sort of a uh tweet and instagram in what is the best no um entrance bar or site you've ever seen. My favourite is no Burberry. But I'd love to know if people have seen any other things that weren't allowed, which were...

Oh, that would be a good one. Have you genuinely seen that? No Burberry I've seen on a club, yeah. It was a time when Burberry was worn by Louts. I don't know if they still go in for that. Louts and Emma Watson was what I associated with. It's been rebranded a bit, fortunately. Can I just say, though, Sexy Fish, in defence of Jess Glynn,

it does say on the website, we don't allow beachwear, flip-flops or sliders. I mean, you can't have a seaside effect, essentially based restaurant with no flip flops or beach wear come on perhaps that's why they had to put that because people think it's sort of Spongebob square pants themed

kind of a place and they've been turning up like in shrimp suits I went in a pair of speedos and some armbands well I went as a mar of speedos and some armbands. Well, I went as a marae eel. And it was fine. I just slithered in between two closely set tables.

It was no problem at all. I'd love to turn up there dressed as like a giant lobster. Do you think if we cut to Jess Glynn and her friend about to leave the house that night and the friend says, will you get in wearing that? And Jess says, look, the hospitality industry is on its knees. We can do what we like. They wouldn't dare. They're so desperate. But these people, even though they're starving, they stood up for their dress code.

Rules is rules. That's what I said. That's another restaurant, of course, in London. But you wouldn't get in there in a hoodie. I thought you were going to say in a hurry. You have to wear a military tunic. So look, Sarah Champion is next. Do listen to her.

And thank you so much for listening to us. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get your nails done. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.