The Frank Skinner Show - Thoughtless Archery

Episode Date: January 14, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been on a Harry Potter walking tour the gang went out for fish and chips. The team also discuss bust ups with neighbours, Tweedy the clown and pinkie rings.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Options, what the modern world's all about. Frank, I'd just like to make an announcement. Okay. Did you know the first episode of Fantasy Football League

was broadcast on this day in 1994? I didn't know that. Okay. Hashtag on this day. How long ago was that? I like that someone's put hashtag on this day. Yeah, it used to be a thing, didn't it? okay hashtag on this day how long ago was that i like this one's but hashtag on this day yeah it used to be a thing didn't it on this day and then it's been yeah usually bigger stuff than that battles and you know things but that's uh so that 94 29 29 years yeah

lovely still going of course don't't forget, guys. Yeah. Not with me, though. So, do you remember I was talking last week about, I saw a historian doing a documentary about Henry VIII. Well, it was about Thomas Cromwell, actually, but he kept on about Anne Boleyn. Yes. And I've tracked him down. His name is Dermot McCulloch. Do you know him? When you say I've tracked him down his name is Dermot McCulloch

do you know him? When you say I've tracked him down that sounds a bit alarming will you turn up at his door? No but I just wanted to know who he was and then I saw an interview with him talking and he said that he'd probably been wrong

in that documentary. Did he? He said Anne Bolling. But he said, yeah, he said, I realise now from reading things that it should be said, and then he wasn't even talking about it. He said Thomas Cromwell. No.

So he's rewriting. Absolutely. So no, it's Anne Bolling and Thomas Cromwell. Oh, dear. Why doesn't he just go maximum authenticity and narrate the whole thing in Middle English? Yeah. Can he really be really?

Henry VIII. Henry VIII. Yeah, he did eat a lot, of course. He's almost trying to sort of cosy-fy them, isn't he? I think if they made a biopic of Henry VIII, Ben Stokes would be perfect, wouldn't he? Well, he'd have to de Niro it up a bit with the old method. But you could quilt a jerkin'.

You could always quilt a jerkin'. That's my experience. You're always saying that. Yeah, exactly. That's one of my mottos. Oh, I heard a very good... Do you know we have text-ins on the show? Occasionally they're a little offbeat.

I heard a very good one on Talk Sport this week, which I thought, oh, God, that's... Respect. It was... What's the worst experience you've had with the phonetic alphabet? Fantastic. I love that. Oh, wow. alphabet fantastic I love that

oh wow oh so anyway so that's that and oh yeah we went out last week

me and me Pierre and Emily went dining after the show we didn't tell the staff

they're now looking at each other in a mixture of horror and hate i'd say a little bit i'd say seven percent relief yeah maybe it's i know i did that when i um during my television career i uh when i did um uh room 101 i don't know if you remember that, baby. Are you addressing me? We did. Yeah, exactly. Baby.

There was about seven series, and every one of them, I went to what they call the wrap party at the end, where everyone gathers and pats each other on the back and says, it's great, we'll see you next series. And when we got to six or seven the producer said to me i said uh it's difficult i might be a bit late uh this time it's difficult but i will get there you know and he said it's all right he says if you don't call i said i have to go he said i'll be honest with her i think most people would prefer, if you don't come. I said, no, I have to go. He said, I'll be honest with you, I think most people would prefer it if you didn't come.

He said, I think everyone's a bit tense while you're there. They don't want to really, you know, get drunk and have fun. And then when you go, it's actually quite good after you've gone. What did he say? I said, well, I won't come then. He said, you can come, but, you know. I said, no, I won't come. He said, okay then.

So I didn't go and everybody was happy. I was thinking they'd be thinking, oh, does he think he's not coming? But in fact, they were thinking, why is he staying? Just go. I think you did the right thing. It's like when a young relative invites you to their party. My niece invited me to her 21st.

That's politeness. Would I have turned up? Of course I wouldn't. You can't go to the young people's events. My nephew said, are you coming to my wedding? I said, of course I'm coming to your wedding. He said, it's in Bali. I said, no. I'm not going there.

Ridiculous. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The set, he's not still wearing a pink beret. Is that gone? I don't know. I love the white people. You know, people, who's that MP who just wore a white suit at all times? Martin, and I can't remember his surname.

Let's call him Martin. He was Martin. I feel we know him well remember his surname. Let's call him Martin. He was Martin. I feel we know him well enough. I would describe him as Peak Martin. But imagine making a decision, I'm just going to wear this all the time and then people will know me better. I quite like it.

Charles Brandreth has done that a bit with the... With the jumpers, yeah. The jumpers, hasn't he? But that is... When he goes on The One Show... And he does. Is the BBC paying for that jumper? Or is he actually paying for all those terrible jumpers he'll never wear again?

Or is there some enormous, tyrannical, hideous jumper corporation that's getting free advertising from Giles' chest? Free advertising? Yeah, because a lot of people think, yeah, I'd like one of those. It was a thing for a while, the ironically hideous jumper. Yes, it was. But all ironic things, they don't last long. Look at Thomas Crumwell. In fairness to Charles Brandreth, to GB,

I saw him on something the other day and he made an observation. I thought, oh, I think I'd really get on with you. I liked it. I liked his thinking. He was talking about traffic wardens. And he said, what I object to is the fact that they wear a military uniform and they've got no business wearing that kind of style uniform. And he said they should all wear like clown outfits to make the experience nicer. Or something knitted, maybe.

And then he said my corporation would be able to help them out high visibility uh so anyway we went we went out for fish and chips yes pierre and uh emily that was uh it was very impromptu i say to console some of the staff who were now in tears um and what happened frank well i'll tell you what we did i actually i broke my because remember recently i decided that i was just going to have chips chips on their own chips and cheese are the two things you should eat on their own and they shouldn't don't bother with fish crackers any of the things that normally accompany if you have either chips or cheese just eat them on their own.

That's what I've realised. They don't need a chaperone. That's what I'm saying. But I broke it because they had roe, and that's my weakness. Yeah. A nice roe. Now, some people, especially the middle classes I find, don't even know what roe is.

Don't they? I once had quite a posh runner, and he said, there's a fish and chip shop I could get you some food from. This was on a show I was on, and I said, oh, great. Could you get roe and chips? And he said, yeah. Otherwise some people just think I'm going to just seem like I know everything he said yeah i'll get rowan chips and off he went he came back with seven row and some chips you normally have like two absolute

but i just didn't know how many of these things that you anyway when i ordered them in the shop you will uh recall emily and Pierre, the guy very kindly said it's not fish it's fish eggs and of course what I should have said was yes I like to get in early with the fish

but what I actually did mistakenly even though he was I didn't feel his English was necessarily, you know, he sounded like it was a second language. I told him quite a long anecdote about a thing that happened to me in an Indian restaurant when I ordered Bombay Dock. And the man said, really? And I said, yeah, Bombay Dock, please. He said, oh, well, I don't know if that's a good idea. I said, really? And I said, yeah, Bombay Dot, please. He said, oh, well, I don't know if that's a good idea.

I said, what do you mean? I'm just ordering it. And he said, only very old Indian men eat that. And I said, well, I want it anyway. And then he went away. And about five minutes later, I smelt one of the worst smells I'd ever smelt in my life, as if someone had opened a medieval grave. And it was the Bombay dock arriving.

And Pierre, when I told this story, said, oh, you didn't know it was fish. Now, I did know it was fish, Mr. Knowall, but I didn't think it would smell like that. Anyway, I told this long story as the man's eyes completely glassed over. Can I just say he hated that story, and I felt awful for you because you'd gone in, you'd committed. I realised halfway through.

I should have known, really, because he had twin earrings, one on each ear. And I don't think i've ever met a man with an earring in each year that i've really got into any sort of deep relationship with oh but anyway and other revelations i wasn't expecting this morning i could see him searching your story for why it meant that you had to have roe and how you knew it was eggs roe and now you knew it was eggs. But at the end, if you remember, he said, no. Fish and chips.

Traditional. And that was it. I don't even want to hear stories about other cuisine. Get out of here with your cuisines from other places stories. Get lost. That reminds me of the double earrings thing.

That's my sign. I remember there used to be a spin-off from Happy Days called Laverne and Shirley. Do you remember that? And one of them said she never trusted a man in a pinky ring. Pinky being your little finger. And that really stopped me, man. If I met a man who'd got a ring on his little finger,

I would be extremely suspicious of them as human beings. Oh, it's quite posh people, isn't it? You're going to have to get used to that. So what's your warning signs? I'd love to know. What do you see for someone and think, oh, be careful of this one, 8-15? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Did you think there was a bit of a strange atmosphere in that fish and chip shop? I did. We haven't named it, so it's fine. The rowan chips, I have to say, were lovely. The food was lovely. Traditional. Oh, I'd like the row.

Regarding pinky rings as a sign of distrust, it's an aristocratic thing originally to have a pinky ring. It's your signet ring. It's got your family coat of arms on and it's indented so you press it into a wax seal on an old-timey... That can't be what they were referring to in Laverne and Shirley, though, can it? But it's a pretension to sort of, like a classic, what's that movie with the con artist set in the south of France?

Oh, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Yes, yeah, the sort of thing that one of those guys would put on to sort of go, I'm the lost duke of Shmeravia, and, you know, to trick wealthier dowagers. I like the sound of him. Yes, exactly. Shmeravia sounds like one of the few Yiddish European states. It's a signifier.

I never knew that. Little finger. I should be looking for a family crest or something. I've encountered a few gentlemen with pinkies in my time. Yeah. But did they have a crest or did they have initials? What do you think? I think did they have a crest or did they have initials? What do you think?

I think they probably had a crest. I know. I've come across the old initial. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. I never knew that. That's great news. And I think that in France

the tradition was to wear it inwards so you'd only see your family crest if you opened your

own palm. It wouldn't have it on display. Well I have issues with that, which way you wear things with writing on. What do you wear them so that when I look at it... Like, when Faye, our previous assistant producer,

left the other week, she bought us all a name bracelet. Yes. Lovely. And I've got mine on now, and she put it on for me because it's quite hard tricky and she's put it on so that when i hold it up when i if i punch the air yeah then you can read it but normally when my hands are at my sides where it's or in my pockets where they are most of the time it's upside down to the world what's the etiquette on that little thing? When you get that family crest on the pinky, when you look at the back of your hand

do you see, or is it for the world to read? I think in the UK traditionally it was probably to make sure everyone else knew that you were one of the fancy lads. When I order you a pinky ring with FSMBE on it, I sincerely hope you'll be displaying

that to the world. Well, I shall wear it facing me, of course, because at my age, a little aide de memoir for the name is a good thing to have. So anyway, the row was, can I say, established the row was great. It was not

as I think they say in America, a tough row to hoe. It was not, as I think they say in America, a tough row to hoe. It was a very... It melted in the mouth. But yeah, it was a strange experience, the chip shop. Well, it got odd when we tried to pay and there was a bit of an incident with the payment and when...

We were trying to split it three ways. We were trying to split it because that's what you to split it through because that's what you do. We're Democrats. Keep it real, we're Democrats, exactly. And we put all our cards in and then she put it all on one card and when I sort of challenged her on this, she said, I said,

well, why did you think we put the other cards in if you put it all on one card? And she said, well, I thought you'd put your card in in case his didn't work. Yeah. Not you. Which I thought was rather insulting. But it was good.

I like it when people are thinking on their feet. I quite liked it. I mean, we should have been more specific about it. Maybe we should have. Split this three ways. Yeah. There was a moment of, you know what I like? There was a lovely moment of realisation.

The, I've got to be honest, the elder member of staff, the elderly member of staff. Yeah, I think he was the man. He arrived as the manager arriving. And suddenly, oh, it was a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view. A whole new world. I got compliments on my coat.

Yeah, he said to me, oh nice, it's lovely to have you coming in here and then everybody, the whole staff got friendly, didn't they?

They sucked, yeah. If that had happened before you'd ordered, you'd have had another eight row to eat. It was like being, it was like being a lottery winner.

You know what? I was nobody and then suddenly light emanated from me it was great it's one of those rare things you ever get in a sit-down chip shop yeah oh the so did you notice that pair the service was lovely after that thanks frank yeah we went oh yeah we went to a church of england service after give thanks for the row it. It's a very, very early brand to the Christian church who wore a roe

instead of the fish badge. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Has there been um outside world outside world the outside world

Any voices from afar? Yes, regarding the warning signs. Oh, yes. This is if you see anyone. Do you have any regular things that you look out for that might put you off? Red flags, I think Emily called them. Red flags, yeah. Thomas Says on Twitter suggests a triple-digit unread email count.

And I have bad news for him. I'm approaching 1,500 unread emails on my email client. I'm good on my phone, but on my laptop it's like 5,000. Because who reads emails on their laptop? That's for writing novels and stuff, isn't it? Yeah, and Starbucks. Frankly, I've got to be honest i'm the reverse i never trust people who have completely clear of any correspondence of any if they don't have the

little red because i think if i think you'd be quite a high maintenance friend well i think you'd be you're one minute late where have you been i can't live with uh a red a red dot on my email on the front of the phone or on my text. I need to know what that is. It's unread emails. Yeah, but I want to know if it's the big offer. Yes, that's true. It's finally come in, yeah. Like, I had a friend who, whenever the phone...

His agent had told him that Brookside had inquired about his availability until when this was brookside was a uh soap opera in the 80s and maybe the 90s as well and then uh he waited for ages and nothing happened and uh if ever he heard a phone ring, he would say, oh, that'll be Brookside. Even if we were like in a shop and the phone rang. I mean, obviously he was joking by then, but there was always pain. Like so much great comedy, there was tears wrapped up in it. That'll be Brookside.

I've forgotten all about that. Oh, man, the call that never came. Oh, the waiting for the... This is the problem with that. I had it with my mother. We were always... My father, I'm afraid, bless her, he always used to say,

when is she going to realise? Trevor Nunn, there was a good ain't here coming up. Yeah. Theatrical middle class ain't. When is she going to realise Trevor Nunn ain't going to call? Oh. Lovely. That was like when i had a holiday romance and then i invited her

back to um my home and we went for a walk i remember there was a walk along the canal from langley green to um smethwick which i thought was a i loved it it was factory factory factory all the way along all strange different colored poisonous smoke that no one was vetting coming out and i loved that industrial landscape and i took her on that walk and she was saying this is horrible oh man this is horrible anyway she went back home and I waited for the letter. It was letters in those days. And I remember I actually took up, after about two weeks, I pulled all the carpet up in case it had accidentally gotten underneath the fitted carpet, as if such a thing could happen,

but the letter never came. Eh? Who's laughing now, love? That's nice. Shows you in a lovely light. Oh, man. So, yeah. Can we just quickly

squeeze in a few more Never Trusters slash red flags? We could save somebody's life with these. Yeah. Anyone with a red wine smile. Oh, yeah, they're bad. The corners of the mouth and the one on the bottom of the lip.

Yeah. Oh, no. The grey teeth. What's the grey teeth? Well, these have turned grey from the red wine. Have you ever noticed that very ginger people, and my son is ginger and I love gingers, that they

but they have sort of ginger teeth as well. They? Yeah. If you look closely, I don't know if you've ever really stared at a ginger person. But it's like the gums in between the teeth that look a bit ginger. Are they redder? I don't know what it is.

They're gingerer. Is this light reflecting? No, I think gingerness is a bit more deep fitted. It's a bit more in the actual cells than you might think. Like I say, I'm extremely pro ginger. I think it's a beautiful look. Grey gums. Molly's ginger, actually.

Have you got grey gums, Molly? I never said grey. I said ginger. Are you building up to... I never said grey, I said ginger. Are you building up to a gingivitis joke? No, definitely not. Is that where this terrible train is headed? No. I'm not even not sure what gingivitis is. It's a gum condition.

It's a gum disease. Well, that could be something in there. I'm just... Look, this is what they call observational comedy. Well, no, it's is what they call observational comedy well no it's actually what they call observational

I'm going to leave you with this Anthony Adams grey leather shoes ooh I'm with AA on that

I've never ever seen grey leather shoes do you remember David Pleat yes grey leather shoes. Do you remember David Pleat? Yes.

Grey leather shoes. Oh, OK. OK? Yeah. I quite like David Pleat. So do I, but I'm just saying... You're just saying he can't be trusted? That's what you're inferring? Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. By the way, the Simpsons TV show, I think it's absolutely brilliant, but I never want to watch it. How do you explain that? Is it because you've already watched all of it? No, I haven't watched all of it. Every time I do watch one,

it's one I've never seen. But I just don't want to see it. I couldn't agree more. How can that be? It doesn't make any sense. I feel a bit I have given up, frankly. but I just don't want to see it. I couldn't agree more. How can that be? It doesn't make any sense. I feel a bit I have given up, frankly. If I sit down to watch it,

I feel like, what am I doing with my life? Even though I know it's brilliant and the writing's fabulous. It's absolutely one of the funniest shows on television. Clever, inventive, but I don't want to watch it. Why do we feel that, Pierre? Well, you've spoken before about how cartoons make you feel depressed. No, but I love cartoons.

I like Bojack Horseman. Oh, OK. So, ironically, normal cartoons make you feel depressed, but the most depressing cartoon ever made you... Meet me. It's like Curb Your Enthusiasm. I thought, this is absolutely brilliant. I know I'd never watch it again.

I agree with that, to be fair. Yeah. It's sort of like... I think it's already in there. I sort of have a feel of what it is. I don't need to reaffirm that. Yes. You know, I don't go out every day and check what a river looks like.

That's true. I just know. I'll tell you... And I love them. I don't need to look at a river looks like. That's true. I just know. I'll tell you... And I love them. I don't need to look at a river every day. Yeah. I think it's partly with The Simpsons as well. There's a lot of saturate that I feel...

There have been so many episodes, it's a bit overload. Yeah. I just feel, am I just watching old stuff? I don't think... I think I've got it on my heart. Do I know what it's like? OK. But it's...

Honestly, I couldn't rate it more highly. Yeah. I don't want to watch it okay we've got some other examples of never trust her oh yeah sarcastic fringe head

oh I thought that was something we should look out for no no okay but baseball caps or any hat when worn

by someone driving. Over to you, Frank Skinner. Well, there used to be a thing about old men in trilbies that people used to go and who drove like that. I have to say any man in a baseball cap who isn't American, I'm always slightly disappointed by. Yeah. We had Tim Key as a guest the other week

when he came in in a baseball, but I loved Tim Key. When he walked in, I thought, no. I think it's very hard for a non-American to carry off a baseball. Wow, that's hard. There's been an explosion in trucker hats, especially among certain sections of the comedy community.

Those sort of high ones. High-fronted baseball caps. Often a bit like a bit of plastic gauze. Yes, in case it gets too hot or something. No, I mean, really, I speak as an outsider because I've got a very big head. I can't really wear hats. Yeah, you have.

There's probably a bit of resentment in my hat-itudes. But it was worth the pain to go there. Boys, hello. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Boys, hello. Is it Ivor Hertzig over?

No, it's if I was a female Prime Minister, that's how I'd address... Idle, idle, idle, idle, idle, idle, idle, idle, dumb. That's how I'd address the media as I walked out of number 10 in the morning. Hello, boys. And ladies. Okay. And everyone. I mean, God bless you. You're probably never going to be a female prime minister.

How dare you? I'll throw it right back. You'll probably never play up front for England. No. I think you... Well, you probably have. No, but I'd like to have played up front for England. Would you like to have been a prime minister?

Doesn't it make you feel sick? Looking at the job. So much bad furniture you have to put up within meetings. It's all plastic chairs and horrible, you know, wood finish. Oh, yeah. That's what they call it. How do they stay calm? I'd spend every minute going,

oh, my God, what are we going to do? I know. If you think of things in your life, like you've got a party to, you know, you've got and it's going to be a bit, I don't mean a political party, but say you're having your 40th birthday

party and you're thinking, oh god, I haven't invited blah blah, did I do anything about the balloons? If you're running a contrary would you line in bed at night luckily they're mainly people who don't care and maybe it's necessary i mean it's definitely a tough job we're on day one one of the first things you have to sort out is would i nuke the world yeah i know you actually you've got that i've got to write those letters for the submarine. You've got one of those.

I imagine the equipment for nuking the world is like the button on Britain's Got Talent, but in a special room on its own. Can I say it was always sold to us in that way? Because people would talk about one person coming in and pressing the button. And it was sold to us rather in that way yeah very wily coyote sort of yeah exactly yeah the acme nuclear button company yes on the

box yeah boys i was going to say there's something i've been itching to discuss with you both which is something i came across this week which rather surprised me and it was a stat and a survey and i love that in a survey and it said i read it this week that 64 percent of people have had a bus stop of some description with the neighbor. With a neighbour. A bus stop? Yeah. A bus stop? Can you not say that? Bus stop. Oh, sorry, I thought you said bus stop. No, bus stop.

Oh, OK. They haven't got together and formed a random... No, a bus stop. Sorry, it's my accent. No, no, your accent's perfect. But I found this surprising. Not in our case, Frank, in fairness. High or low?

Were you surprised it was that high? It was much higher Because I would say Let's be honest, you're a bit of a git I'm a bit of a gittess It doesn't surprise me I would expect us to have bust-ups regularly Someone like Pierre

A bit more mellow, yellow perhaps I've done my very best to not know a single neighbour. I think you'd go out with a club or something. Is that a line from Leviticus? Shellfish, rock badgers, it's all off for me. Have you carried that off that you don't know any neighbours at all? I don't know a single one. I live in a block of flats, to be fair. it'd be harder if it was a house like with houses next

door but well this is true the gen z's and millennials apparently they don't they make a point of not getting to know their neighbors frank i only as i grew up with like my mom you know the neighbors the next door neighbors just was just in and out of our house. You know that thing that people say? They would just come in and sit and talk to my mum. There was the alarm clock incident, of course. And what was that again? I've told you. Do you know about the alarm?

I don't know about this. I'll tell you after this break. It was an unusual piece of fur neighbouring. I think you'll agree. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think you'll agree. So these neighbours, they've been... Were we in the midst of something? I was going to tell you a story. Oh, yes, the alarm clock.

Yes, so my neighbour, Mrs Weston, who lived next door, who, after her husband died, my mum made a Sunday lunch, I remember, Sunday dinner, as we called it, every week, and I would take that round, and she'd be waiting, sitting at the table with a tea towel tucked in the top of her jumper, ready for spillage, and a massive spoon in her hand, no orthocotlerlery so she ate the whole you know meat two veg

yorkshire pudding all with a big spoon took the you know there's a lot of decision making in cutlery the higher you go up society

the more decision making she took all that out yeah but anyway it's simple I love that about her a disruptor she

yeah so she and I must have told this on the radio before CJ's phony, I love her It's fine because I don't think you know it, Pierre She walked into the house with an alarm clock Put it on our kitchen table And said to my dad

Len, as he was called his whole life although his name was john uh len uh can you uh can you men can you do anything with this alarm clock he said what is that what's happened to me and she said oh we dropped it in the poe now the poe was a colloquial term for the chamber pot in the bedroom because we all had outside toilets she said we dropped it in the po was a colloquial term for the chamber pot in the bedroom because we all had outside toilets. She said, we dropped it in the po. Remember, it was on the kitchen table. And halfway up the face of the alarm clock was urine.

Literally halfway up. Contained within the... Contained within the alarm clock. Like one of those pens. And when you put it upside down, there's a lady. Exactly. It sounds like a sort of Damien Hirst art piece. Well, maybe it could have been.

But I just remember my dad saying, Get it off the table! Get it off the table! It would be a great sort of piece of modern art. Time in urine. I also like the woman with one giant spoon who says, dropped it in the poe. It's like life in medieval Britain.

Yeah, well, yeah. Well, instead it was the West Midlands, like 60s, early 70s. But even my dad drew the line at that. That was too much. So he refused to mend it or try it

I don't know if it would have been mendable no we won't ask if there's any watchmakers it's gone now

I think it was abandoned the urine alarm that's what I yeah the urine alarm it's what I

in the wee small hours yes but it's what I, in the wee small hours. Yes. But it's what I remember about neighbours mainly. That was, you know, we loved them. We were very close. She was in and out of our house all the time,

but that level of intimacy is maybe too much. What's, I bet David Baddiel's a nice neighbour. Lovely, I imagine. You know, what's weird about Dave is I love David Baddiel. I really love him. Me too. And he lives, I think, 10, 12 houses away from me. I probably see him about once a month. And I think, so, the idea of the close neighbor i'm happy to

know that he's there but we we don't see each other and even when he lived next door to me we didn't see each other that much so it's you know that's true friendship i find yes i once heard um i think it was johnny cash said he went fishing with Bob Dylan. And they fished for about five hours without speaking at all. He said, and that's when I knew we'd become really close friends. And I thought, really? But now, as I've got older, I can kind of see what he meant by that. Just the image of Bob Dylan fishing I find unbelievable.

He must have been rubbish, Atty. Where do you put this maggot? No, no, don't just throw it in on its own, Bob. Anyway, oh, that's the feathers around. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I saw a panto in Cheltenham this year. Oh, yes.

That featured Tweedy. Are you aware of Tweedy? I'm not. I think he's a truly great clown. Sorry? I'm serious. I'm waiting to discover that actually his profession is something else. No, no, he's a truly great clown. Sorry? I'm serious. I'm waiting to discover that actually his profession is something else. No, no, he is a clown.

He's actually a brilliant... Is it Cheryl? He's a brilliant clown. Oh, right. Is he a real man? Yeah. He's not the Northampton clown, though. That's my...

No, no, he's a professional clown. It would be great to say to someone's face, you are a truly great clown, as an insult, though. But it was, even for me, I found it a bit rude. Really? The panto. I mean, there was some stuff in it, and I thought, oh, no. You know, for the second chamber part of Reference of the Morning,

there's a bit where they're in like a prison or something. Oh. And they said, oh, I found a Mars bar in the chamber part. And I thought, you're not going to do this joke. And then it, you know, progressed that it wasn't a Mars bar.

Why would it have been? I don't know. And I just thought, oh no. Please don't talk about that it's a pantomime I mean you expect a bit of you know nudge nudge in a pantomime but it wasn't one of those

I don't know if you've seen them advertised adult pantomimes no well it wasn't advertised as such no but I was

you know I don't blush much well the adult pantomimes is what they're often, Sin, S-I-N, Dorella. That was the Jim Davidson. Oh, was it? It was. I think he wrote a series of them.

Anyway, Neighbours. Yes. But Tweedy's brilliant. Check him out. Okay. So some of the gripes that were listed. Is it the gripes is what dick van dyke makes is a wine out of i'm listening with my accent this morning

gripes is correct that'd be a good little dub that bust up and gripes oh yeah i'm jeff bust up Oh, yeah. I'm Geoff Bustoff. And I'm Steve Gripes. And we are... Yeah. So, there was, in addition to... Well, they had parking. That was a huge one. Thoughtless parking was really up there. Oh, yes. I don't know how you both feel about that. I've never done thoughtless parking in my life.

It needs such a degree of concentration and planning for me to park anyway. No, I can't relate to that any more than I could relate to the phrase thoughtless archery. No, exactly. Thoughtless archery is even more dangerous. I've got to be honest, I do have a thoughtless parker. Do you? He's a dad. Lady Penelope, 1964.

Now, go on. He's a dad. Lady Penelope in 1964. He's a dad. Right. He's got a large, let's call it an SUV. You know the type. Yeah. And I would describe his parking as borderline optimistic, I'd call him a cosy parker. That's what I'd call him. He gets close to... He pulls up right up to my bumper, baby. OK. He really does. I want a bit more space next to my bumper. Yes. He parks in a sort of Tetris fashion.

OK. I mean, everything is... And I can't get out. I've never, I don't know how to address this with him because it feels confrontational. It's not what I do. I'd rather talk about him behind his back.

So I just, I've got my revenge by giving him quite a terse hello. I don't know what to do about it, but I can't get out. Well, the car alarm has ruined this. When I first drive in, you could just bump and back a bit with your car.

Give yourself a bit of space. But now that the alarm goes off and you're in trouble. You're snitched upon. Yeah. Bins have come up as well. And I know, Frank, you have had previous with bins and a number of people on this subject of neighbours have been in touch wanting to know

what happened with your very own bin gate incident. Well, interestingly, one of my bins went missing. When you say interestingly. Yeah, well, not that interestingly, looking back on it. But so my problem was I had a cluster. I had too many bins. But one of them has gone. And I did actually move one as a sort of gesture of good neighbourhood.

And it hasn't been mentioned since. So I think we might have got over that initial hiccup. But I would like my bin back. I mean, who's going to nick a wheelie bin? What are you going to do with that? Have it in the house. Yeah, it's a sort of... Serial killers, the only person who would put a

wheelie bin to actual, practical, regular use. Absolute radio. And I don't think we've got one in the street that I know of as yet. But even if they, as long as they're in park all right.

Obviously they want a bit of room behind their car so they can get in the boot. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Can I ask a question?

You hear about neighbours who play really loud music, who block people's parking spaces and all that. I have never met anyone who said to me, yeah, I play really loud music in my flat and i tell you i tend to park they've got a drive but i park to make it really difficult for them to i've never met anyone who says yeah when i go on public transport i don't use earphones at all i just have like my phone and watch a whole film everyone has to listen on a tablet where do they where do they go those people who actually do it,

why have I never met those people? I've only ever met the victims. Yeah. Yeah, there's a sort of warehouse somewhere. That's where they live. Where these awful people are sort of stored to be deployed the next day onto public transport. But there's plenty of them.

Yeah? You know, has a friend ever said to you, yeah, when I'm on a really crowded train, I like to put my luggage on the seat. No one ever says it. I used to live with a guy who, he would take phone calls on buses and public transport on above ground trains and things.

And when I said to him, would you just shush? I'd do that. No, but he was loud. He was the loud person on the phone on the bus. Everyone else is silent. And he doesn't feel weird. Hello! Like that prank show or whatever it was called.

It was mad. And these are not business calls either. These are... You're just yelling. I like Pierre. He's very proper. Business calls are a laugh. But if it was boring information, it would be less awkward.

But because it was sort of about friends' relationships and things. I object to intimate conversations in public. I don't mind. No, I find it very ostentatious. They call it life, the silent carriage. There needs to be more noise, though. If everyone was at it, it would be disguised. But when it's sepulchral.

But when people are watching, like, the Prince of Bel-Air on their phone, really loud, with no headphones, what are you thinking? Are you thinking, I'll show them, or are you not even... They're not thinking. They're just thinking, this noise is my business.

They're thinking, this noise is my business. What about when they scroll through Instagram with the volume up? So I'm hearing a snippet of each video. I think, oh, this is nice. Yeah. So are you those people? And why? 8, 12, 15.

Yeah. Because we must have some people listening who are those people. I don't know what happened to the... By the way, headphone, is that the right thing? Headphones. Is that the right word? Yeah. Because sometimes I get mixed up with earplugs and headphones and headsets.

Earbuds are a type of headphone. I can't say earbud. They all wear earbuds now. It's like they've swapped over the big headphones for the earbuds now. Yeah, but as I've said before, my ears won't, they won't cling to a bod. Have you got canal issues?

I've got canal issues. I think there's a lock on one of my ears which drains and undrains. No, they just won't stay in a bod. Well, you need what I'm going to gift you, which is a bespoke earplug. They'll take

a mould of your canal. Oh my goodness. Do you know for Panto? A mould of my canal? I don't know if they'll do the entire canal, but they take a mould of your ear of your ear

and it will be do you know what that's a lovely present for you well the other day I realised that I was going to listen to my audio book on the way back from the school run and I realised I hadn't got the

ear plugs headphones things with me and I realised I hadn't got the earplugs headphones things with me and I thought I could I'm actually on Hampstead Heath I could walk along

and listen to it and I thought no I don't want to be one of those people but I do want to hear from them yeah 8, 12, 15

Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Absolute Radio in terms of these rude these rude people that we want to hear Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. In terms of these rude people that we want to hear from, I don't think any of them have got in touch. Too busy watching a full illegal download of a film on a tablet on a bus. But 8121 texted in saying, why are American women so loud? We recently went away to Amsterdam on two different trips we had the noisiest

of women talking or shouting are they not allowed to talk in America? Is that the Dowager Duchess from Downton Abbey? The American women are so loud What pray is a weekend? Is it to shout across those great distances

your country contains? It's very... I'd say that is... I mean, I was in a restaurant once with a woman who was very loud, not American. Oh, thank you very much. I've got a name. And the people on the next table asked if they could be moved. So it can happen. On a flight I sat next to a Swedish guy and he was sat next to his Swedish wife. And they were chatting in Swedish and sort of in a hushed sort of airplane level conversation.

And then when he turned to speak to me in english he was incredibly loud with an american accent it was like he'd learned to be loud when he spoke english because he'd learned english from americans so he'd sort of go so where are you flying suddenly bellowing in my face I like that he could change his whole persona depending on his accent. It's like there have been some American teachers saying, like, no, really? Go for it.

Just for balance, I'm going to tell you a story about an American neighbour I had then. I lived in flats, but not, I mean, not multi, like six-storey flats. And he and his wife lived above me. And I got in one night. He was an American. They were both Americans.

I got in one night, and he was sitting on the stairs. And I said, you know, you're right. And he said, when I did the accident he said well no he said he said he'd lost his keys and his wife wasn't back till like 11 o'clock so he was stuck out so he was sitting on the stairs and I said well come in I remember I said come in and have a coffee and I never ever drank coffee but I thought he was American. I can't give him tea.

Oh, you were trying to show off. Yeah. Do you want some milk and cookies? Is that what you're after? And then maybe we could catch the baseball game. Exactly. I'll get you some jello sandwiches.

Anyway, I took him in and made him... It was instant coffee because I can't work the machine. And we got talking. Did you like him? Yeah. But I had had issues with them. In the morning at about six o'clock when they got up you could hear on the floorboards oh was it a bit walking about yeah and it was in our lease can i say you're

supposed to have carpet on the floor for that reason well of course you should have so i'm sitting there thinking he seems a nice bloke i've made him coffee it's all right do i bring up I've made him coffee, it's all right. Do I bring up the stilettos and his, whatever you call those metal bits, we used to call them segs, but I don't think anyone else called them. Yeah. So do I bring it up, do I not? Stick around.

I'm just going to hit you with some warning signs slash red flags. OK. Andy Stone, someone who starts a sentence with, I'm not going to lie. Mm. What say you? Well, I went on a Harry Potter tour of the West End last week, and the host of that tour was a guy called Ben. It was very

very nice but he did say I'm not going to lie a lot. And then he told an origin story about the Hermione character which I think might be a lie. It's bold to

host a tour and continuously, I'm not going to lie, but that's where Henry VIII was born. When you say a lie, she's a fictional character. No, no, but I mean how Emma Watson got the part. Oh. Because what he said, when I say a lie, I think it was incorrect.

I'm not totally sure about this. I'd love to find out it's true. It's a great story. He said no one else, every girl at Emma Watson School did an open audition for the Armani part. She wasn't interested. And in the end, the teacher said she really should do it. So she went in a bit off and said, got the script and said, all right, let's just get this over with.

And they said, perfect. You're're absolutely perfect which is a great story so then I looked it up on the internet and weirdly there's about four different how she got the part stories but not that one that I could see but things like she'd never acted before was one. A letter from the theatre where she acted regularly, that was what got her in. She knew she'd got the part. Anyway, I'd love to get to the bottom of it, if you're listening, Emma.

Yeah. She won't be. I mean, it is quite... I'll tell you more of the tour after, because it was a good tour. But yeah, that just rung her belly. He did say a lot, I'm not going to lie. Although I do feel, I feel a bit for this gentleman. Just because, not just because you're a bit of a git.

No, I really liked him. Here's an example. I'll tell you why though, Frank. You are, I mean, you are in an unusual position, you and Kath, and Buzz. Because you're going on a Harry Potter tour, and your brother-in-law wrote Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. Yeah, but we never mentioned that. Did you not? Oh, I would have.

Oh, why did you keep quiet? No, I didn't mention that. I haven't forgotten, by the way, about the American Neighbours, but now we're on tour. No, I didn't forgotten, by the way, about the American Neighbours, but now we're on tour. No, I didn't, because... I just, it sounded a bit grand to say that. And what happened was... I did hear something else he said.

He used the word penguin as a verb. What? Quite a lot. I don't trust him now. No, I really like to... He's crossed the line. It's a... When we stop for him to tell...

You know, we followed the raised umbrella unfurled. No, no, furled. He held up the furled umbrella and we all followed that. Like a wand? Bit like a wand. But you know the way you do with guides?

Yes. And then he'd stop us and he'd say, right, right, come on, penguin up. Penguin up a bit like a wand. But you know the way you do with guides? Yes. And then he'd stop us and he'd say, right, right, come on, penguin up. Penguin up a bit. I was a bit close to him. No, I did like it. As though for warmth. Is that what penguins do?

See, that was good, I thought. Oh, okay. At least you didn't have to wear a coloured tabard. No. Because increasingly they make them do that in group outings. Really? And I see the children now and I think my mother would have withdrawn me from that school.

But anyway. Back to Frank and the Penguin. So he showed us around and the way it worked the tour was this is that you didn't pay it was a free tour and then at the

end you paid what you thought it was worth. That's a good idea. But it's the sort of free fringe approach where in Edinburgh there's a thing called the free fringe where you go and see a comedian and if you don't like them you don't pay. I think often with people if they do like them they don't pay which is poor. Yes. with people if they do like them they don't pay

which is poor yes so it's a two hour tour and at the end I gave him I'll tell you

I gave him 50 quid that's lovely how many three of you because he wasn't going to lie he reassured you throughout the entire tour

but he was good he was good he was very animated I'm a bit dyslexic how many is that Pierre between three of them?

It's 17. Oh, God. No, it's just a little under. It's 16. Something. 60. Okay, this isn't great. I think this is very generous.

The producer's going crazy. She's hitting me saying shut up. Okay, okay. But this isn't great. We'll leave it there. We've got two cliffhangers going crazy. She's hitting me. Same shot. Okay, okay. But this isn't great. We'll leave it there. We've got two cliffhangers going now. Goodness. Friends Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Where were we? Are you going to say something you don't approve of? Well, I mean, let's narrow it down. It was on the subject of my Harry Potter tour and pay what you think it's worth. Yeah, you see, no, I like that you, I think that's very generous. I don't know what other people gave.

I just know that some people just walked away. What sort of, I mean, these are animals. Those were the people, as they walked away, did they get out a tablet and start watching a full film? Yes, I think they did. With no headphones. And then walk to the car that was parked over the disabled slope. Yes.

Yeah, I don't know. I think I always, my father would say walking through the tube, whenever he saw a person, generally with a sort of silver bowler hat doing a tap dance, you know, in the entrance of the tube station. He'd say, I will always reward somebody who sings for their supper. There you go. OK. And they sung for their supper, these people. Well, I thought this guy gave the two of the four. He gave it his four works.

Would you recommend? How many stars? Well, if I had a criticism, I'd say there was a lot of stuff that inspired things in Harry Potter rather than the actual film. Because filming in central London is so ridiculously expensive. I think what would happen is that J.K. Rowling would go down somewhere that looked like Nocturne Alley and said, this is brilliant. If we film here for a day, it's £1.6 million. Let's build one that looks like this in the studio, a bit cheaper.

So there was that. But I loved it personally. Buzz loved it. Kat loved it. She doesn't even know Harry Potter. Does she not? Also, there was a fabulous moment, which was worth 50 quid,

where Ben, the guide, said, right, I'm going to ask you a question. He said, no one ever gets this. If you get this, I'll buy you a round of drinks. He said, right, Mr. Ollivander, who makes the wands, I hope I've got the name right now. You do?

He said, what's his first name? Ooh. Anyone in here? Molly, you're a his first name? Ooh. Anyone in here? Molly, you're a Harry Potter fan. God. You a Harry Potter fan, aren't you? Yeah, not at that level, though. No?

So Boz sticks his... I noticed he didn't even look at me. He knows. Boz sticks his hand up, Garrick, and he went, oh, go on. Ah. But did we get the round of drinks? Did we, Buffalo?

So, yeah. So 50 quid get the round of drinks? Did we, Buffalo? So, yeah. So 50 quid plus a round of drinks, you could call it, the payment, seeing as we didn't get the round of drinks. Okay. Anyway, so the American neighbour. Yes, our original cliffhanger. So he said. Oh, yes.

He said, what are we like as neighbours upstairs? He brought it up. Yeah. By then, you know, upstairs? He brought it up. Yeah. By then, you know, he was on his second coffee. Sure. I think I'd made him a corn dog. That's what I'm saying. Which is good because I don't actually know what that is.

You'd offered him a Chevrolet. Yeah, exactly. A highway car. We'd had some Hershey Kisses. Sure. But that's our business. And he said, so what are we like as neighbours?

What are we like to live beneath? I call these moments in Frank Skinner's life, could have left it, but I didn't. Shame to waste an opportunity like that. But unfortunately, now I've been silenced again, so it's another cliffhanger.

I'm falling down. It's like steps rather than a cliff. Yes. Hanging from the next one down. You know when they fall over a cliff and then you look over the side and they're hanging by a tree that's growing up. I'm like that. Frank Skimmer.

Absolute radio. So this American neighbour says to me, what are we like as neighbors? What's it like living beneath us? I said, well, to be honest, first thing in the morning, you're a bit of a nightmare. I said, because you're both, I said, I don't know if your wife wears stilettos. It sounds like you both wear stilettos, but it's really loud. And he said, oh don't know if your wife wears stilettos. It sounds like you both wear stilettos. But it's really loud. And he said, oh, sorry about that. You should have come up and complained. And I thought, I should, you know, but the stairs.

And also, I'm not going to complain at half six in the morning. Should you, though? Why is the onus on you to correct their behaviour? Shouldn't they think we've got neighbors below well anyway yeah so we had this and uh we we we talked a little i think i i gave him a reese peanut butter bar and a rifle and oh, don't spoil it. This is the balance for your anti-loud American thing.

Yeah, sorry. So anyway, he went off. His wife arrived at about half eleven and he went off. With a bowl of chowder. And tap shoes. And, yeah, exactly. She arrived on stilts. So, um... Did they stop? It stopped. She arrived on still. So.

Did they stop? It stopped. But how? It just stopped. So the next, well, probably I didn't see him again for about three weeks. Yeah. And he said, how are we in the mornings now? And I said, it's really quiet.

And he said, yeah, we've had monkey bars fitted in every room so we don't touch the floor no he didn't say that but that would have been great that would be like an enclosure just swinging across

oh man no he said I went out the next day and bought house slippers for both of us. And that's what we wear in the mornings. Much warmer than our house clogs that we'd been... Yeah, exactly. I mean, we didn't even live in a house. He could have got flat slippers, but no. Actually, he wouldn't call it a flat, would he?

No, apartment. Yeah, would he call it a condominium? What is a condominium? A condo and a walk-up, all these things. No, but what is a condominium? I've never dared, as a Catholic, I've never dared look it up. What is it? Is it a flat or a house?

It's an apartment, essentially. It's just another word for a flat. They're low-rise apartments, aren't they? Yeah, and there are stipulations. I don't know what they are associated with. I'm sure we'll have some Americans who can inform us.

If they're still listening, we'll have to... They seem to always have residence associations. Will they be texting in with block capitals? I'll tell you what they always go on about as well,

the co-op board. Oh, the Americans and their co-op boards. What is that? I don't know what that is. The co-op board oh the Americans and their co-op boards what is that I don't know what that is the co-op board decides who can live there so in your apartment oh

the co-op board it's normally a lot of elderly women whose relatives came over on the Mayflower Mayflower families you sound like my kind of girl

pilgrims yeah yeah but they they sort of sit and frown at you and ask you if you wear clogs instead of slippers. So they'll, like, for example, the Dakota building, which, as you know, John Lennon famously lived in. I think he struggled for a while.

I think they let him through. John Lennon struggled to get in. Oh, yeah, they wouldn't let Madonna's been turned down from certain buildings. I mean, they were barefoot most of the time. And yoga. That would have been all right. Well, they don't want love-ins and things. They tried not to get out of bed, didn't they?

Yeah, exactly. And they lived in a bag for a while. But that's lovely and quiet. You know, they're lovely, quiet neighbours. No shoes. Though she screamed a lot, Yoko. There's an album with a track which is just her screaming, absolutely. The co-op wouldn't like that.

No. No. No. Or Aldi. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. I had someone move in and it was one of those, oh dear, moments. I thought, I'm going to go over and say hello.

They've moved in. I'll be, you know know let's keep the party polite the removals van was arriving and you know what I saw being carried off and into the house? A gong no

goodness now when I say gong, I'm talking beginning of the carry on films size, do you remember that Frank? if you care to remind our readers yes, there was an say gong, I'm talking beginning of the carry-on films size. Yeah. Do you remember that, Frank, if you care to remind our readers? Yes, there was an enormous gong, which if I remember rightly, was struck by the middleweight British boxer Bombardier Billy Wells. Right.

Yeah, and he used to hit this enormous gong. Was it for the rank organisation? The rank organisation. Yeah. Well, since New Year's, you've got your own enormous gong now, Frank. Well, that is true, but we don't talk about that. I haven't got it yet. When I saw the gong, I didn't get a good feeling.

When I see the gong, I think of the Holy Trinity. Remember that? Yeah, yeah. And I thought, it's so big, it'll be decorative. Surely. Yeah. But you'd be anxious around mealtime. And I thought, it's so big, it'll be decorative, surely. Yeah. But you'd be anxious around meal time. I found out the next...

It turned out... Or at the start of any martial arts bout that could be happening. It turned out breakfast was a big occasion in their house. You're kidding. 6.35am. Oh, wow. My entire place was shaking. It's the way you sort of summon all the characters in a murder mystery to breakfast, isn't it?

And then I realised they'd allowed the gong-banging duties to be given to their child, who would bang it constantly and then scream and laugh. I asked the mother, I took it up, Hang it constantly and then scream and laugh. I did. I asked the mother. I took it up. I said, look, I just wondered if you could maybe just be aware of the, you know, maybe do this after 6.45 a.m. maybe. She said, oh, is it noisy for you?

I'm not aware of noise. You know, I'm a mother, so you get much more tolerant of noise. Oh, that's a savage. Well, yes, but what was great is it gave me an opportunity to test out that tolerance. Ah. So I discovered a lovely dubstep horror, which is a form of music, niche music,

and I thoroughly recommend playing Organ Boy by Zombie, I think it's called. Right. Organ Donor by Zombie Boy, it was called. Okay. At full blast. Oh, right. They moved out three months later. Goodness. Wow, that really was loud music. It was. Well done, Zombie Boy.

Oh, I wouldn't want to be his organs, would you? No, not if he's you? No, it'd be decayed It'd be decayed, obviously We've been talking about co-ops and what exactly they are in America and they're a form of apartment we've said

Robert Clements has No, no, co-ops aren't a form of apartment, we've said. Robert Clements has... No, no, co-ops aren't a form of apartment. Condominiums. Oh, condos. No, but co-ops, I'm so sorry, you asked what the co-op did on an apartment because Americans often refer to the co-op, don't they? Right, I'd never heard it until you and Pierre said it.

They're a board. And Robert Clements says... Samuel H. Clements. and Robert Clements says Samuel H. Clements Co-ops and condominiums are USA American they're funding modelled

I don't quite understand what that means but you know Do you know who Samuel Clements is? Mark Twain In terms of the noisy neighbours, 190coldits on Twitter sends us a... Oh! They had noisy neighbours digging all the time.

Yeah, at all hours. Every Tom, Dick and Harry coming and going. Did you ever hear that board game, Escape from Coldits? Oh, yeah. I think it's a bit inappropriate. It's probably been cancelled now, is it? I don't know. Was it inappropriate? Well, the subject matter was a little

off. But, you know, it's not very Christmassy. But I did love that game. Which side were you, Frank, when you played it, just out of interest? Did you prefer to be... What, were the Nazis in it? Yeah, you could be German or Christian. Oh, I didn't realise that. I thought we were all... Oh, no, I don't, never. I don't want to... I mean, no disrespect

to any Nazis that are listening, but I wouldn't want, never. I don't want to, I mean, no disrespect to any Nazis that are listening, but I wouldn't want to be, I wouldn't want to be of their number. No. Well, I don't know the naming provenance of what 90 called this, but he sent us a note that he got from a hotel manager, I think last summer, a little printed out, the letterhead and everything. I'm going to read it as a sort of poem, which is how it's written.

It's not English is not their first language. So they've done their best. Good morning. The management thanks you for choosing us. We kindly ask you after 10 p.m. in your room. Keep the utmost silence not to move chairs or anything else. Unfortunately, in the room below, we have an unfriendly gentleman who is in great need of rest.

Thank you very much to the management. Oh, I love this person. I feel that I have in the room below an unfriendly gentleman, and it's me. I think you are. Oh, that's a great note, though, worth keeping. Yeah. I'll tell you, I'll give you one more.

I'm trying to sell that I quite like my neighbours, I've got to be honest. You've got a bit of a sort of Albert Square. I mean, I say Albert Square with underfloor heating. Yeah. But you've very much got that vibe going on. You've got a lovely collective in your street. There's a man who lives across the road,

I won't name him, but he imports chocolate. Oh, he's so proud of this, Frank. He's always boasting about it. And I'll see him in the street, and we'll talk a bit, you know, about how things are and stuff, and he'll say, do you want a bit of chocolate? And I'll say, yeah. And he'll get, like, about five bars, not full size.

From inside a big coat. From wherever he's, yeah, about five bars. Not full size. From inside a big coat. From wherever he's... Yeah, he's always got a bit... He's a bit posher than... He's a bit like Sir William Wonka, rather than Willy Wonka. Well, no, to be honest, it's all like... I can't remember what the term is.

Fair trade? Is that what it is? So it's all, like, very ethnically gathered. I think I've sampled his wares. It's lovely. It's great. If there's any kind of outside event going on, like, you know, when we used to applaud the NHS,

I couldn't get out fast enough. Well done. We love the NHS. Have you got a plain one? Yeah, it's good. It's good to have a neighbour who's in the chocolate business. Do you go into his or does he bring it over? Do you go into his lair?

No, usually he's just in the street, I'll give it me, or on the heath. Do you see the shadows of tiny figures through the windows of his house? What, in the chocolate lab? Yeah, it's those. You know those chocolate people you used to get on the adverts for... Used to be one of the sort of advert buffers on Coronation Street. Used to be chocolate people from Quality Street or something. Oh, yeah.

They were actually chocolate people. Okay. Like jelly babies, but made of chocolate. So anyway, thanks for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.