The Frank Skinner Show - Three Stags

Episode Date: August 8, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has a new sofa and has a question about listening to the radio. The team also discuss attractive accents, smelling noses and the world’s worst proposal.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show today. We are live as you like. You can get us on 812.15. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Never let it be said that you don't have options. Morning. Good morning, gentlemen.

We all sit facing each other this morning. We're back in the studio again. The new normal. Yeah. I love the new normal. Do you? I used to hate normal in all its manifestations, but now I sort

of slightly ache. Was it a pet hate of yours? I used to. I took a quote from the Peter Schaffer play, Equus, where he used to speak of people who worshipped at the altar of the god normal.

And so it's about if there's a freaky kid in it,'s about you know he's treated as a weirdo outsider instead of embraced it's just different etc and um it's a brilliant play i often quote from it and um yeah but now uh normal seems okay in fact i went for a walk the other day and I usually listen to audio books when I'm walking. Oh, do you? And I thought, you know, what I might do is listen to the world outside, which still seems like a fairly unusual event. I don't know that show. Yeah, it's okay, actually.

It never worships at the altar of the great God normal, I think it's fair to say. Equus on Absolute Radio. Yes, more Equus quotes later. I think the dad in Equus is a bloke who says, mind your own beeswax. So it's not all profound. Oh, good. There's some real in there as well.

There's plenty of real. Can I start with the most annoying of all radio things, referring to a visual thing, but I will put it up on our Twitter feed. Or Insta. Insta would be good for a visual. What would be? Instagram. Oh yeah,

Instagram, yes. I thought you said the Minster. I thought you were going to be like, who was that woman who had a bare bottom on the side of the Houses of Parliament? Oh, Gail Porter. Oh, Gail Porter. You were quick. I didn't have to wait very long.

Oh, God. I took her out for dinner once, I remember. Legend alert. Oh, just a dirt. Dinner a dirt. Just dinner. No, I pray. No Porter House steak.

No, no, no. She, which is very nice. And, yes, I went into the toilet at Absolute Radio. Oh, yes. This is not the beginning of a blues song, if you may believe. I went into the toilet at Absolute Radio and I saw a poster on the wall.

Feels like it might be the beginning of a worrying anecdote. Well, it is. It was a... They had a, now wash your hand. You know, there's all over the building, there's wash your hands or you'll die posters. Yeah. And it struck me that the logo, I don't know who designed the logo,

I shouldn't think, it can't be anyone. It won't be one of ours. I'd be surprised if like, yeah. It won't be like, I don't know be surprised if, like... No. Yeah. It won't be, like, I don't know. Leona wouldn't have drawn that. No. It's not going to be Richie Furse. I don't know.

There might be. Bush does cartoons, doesn't he? So it could be that they've used those transferable skills. You know, I... There's a woman who used to be quite senior in BBC drama and a big friend of my partner's and it turns out that she did the drawing for the

Daunt Books plastic bags. So you never know, do you, what people are hiding under their bushel. Anyway, the picture the picture of the hand washing looks to me like the slogan ought to be, please hold a pigeon in your hands whilst you wash it.

It really looks like somebody holding a pigeon. And I'm going to put it up and see what you think. But now everywhere I see it, I think, what are you doing with a pigeon? They're not that healthy to hold. No. I'm guessing they are riddled with disease and bacteria. I think I remember reading that there are a reservoir of disease and infection in the pigeon. They're rodents, aren't they?

Are they rodents or are they vermin? They're vermin. They're not rodents. They don't have the teeth for it. You're taking a strong position on pigeons this morning. I don't mind pigeons. We have them in our garden. We have the fattest pigeons in Britain in our garden. God, now he's body shaming them.

Ah, well, it sounds like a Channel 5 documentary. Just lit up. Yeah, of course they might just be puffing their plumage. Let's make that clear. Frank, could you present the fattest pigeons in Britain? I don't think you could call it that now. What would you call it?

Big Pidge, you'd be called the chef. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Aye, on Sunday night, I did a thing I haven't done for a very long time. No. I sat, me and my partner Kat sat on our new sofa and we... Oh! She hates it.

And we listened to the radio. Oh, yeah. Did you? Yeah, now, obviously we have the radio on in the house all the time. I mean, literally, Kath never switches it off. And, yes, you'll be glad to know we are brand loyal. She loves Absolute Radio. She does.

Good. She occasionally goes to Planet Rock, but I think that's still acceptable. I think that's... Yes, we're under the same bower umbrella. Everything's fine. Relax. Tension went round the room, but I think that's still acceptable I think that's we're under the same Bauer umbrella everything's fine, relax tension went round the room but I think we're ok The Parapluie de Bauer

Yeah and not indoors please it's bad luck and yeah so we've got a little Roberts radio which I think I got free in some Absolute event. Yeah.

And we listened to a documentary on Sunday night on Absolute radio. It's about gigs, classic gigs or tours and things. It's called something like, I know, because I was there. It's called something like that. And it was about Kate Bush's 79 tour. Yeah. And so we... Kath is an enormous Kate Bush fan,

so we sat and listened. And I have not... When did you last sit and listen to the radio? I didn't... You don't know... Where do you look, is the question. Yeah. Where do you actually look?

You know, it was the abdication for me. Was it? It was that long. That was, I cannot go on without the help of the woman I love. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Well, oh, it's made me a bit teary.

I think for me it was rivers of blood. it wasn't it wasn't um i haven't done it for a long time it's always been sweet it's been sporting events you know and stuff like that yeah but anyway i didn't know where to look one of those occasions where people say i didn't know where to look i honestly didn't know where to look i found myself looking at the little radio quite a lot it was pointless yeah that's nothing nothing to see here as the police used to say and when in the days when there wasn't um but yes it was uh i think i find it rather romantic i imagine kath legs propped up on you maybe getting a little foot massage no, that didn't happen but we don't

transcend the central crack of the sofa alright I thought although we didn't have the lights on as well we were sat in gloom I thought I saw a little

tear in her eyes at that talk of the Kate Bush tour and people saying, you know, we were sat in gloom. I thought I saw a little tear in her eyes at that talk of the Kate Bush tour and people saying, you know what? She was just so amazing. That was the thing about her. And all that, you know, and it was great. In fact, on the subject, we don't often get the chance to talk about music properly,

but there's a thing with these two, they're twins, and they're like hip-hop, black guy, bandana-type guys sitting, and have you seen it? And they listen to a thing that's called First Time Listening. I have.

And they listen to stuff, and there's been a big thing about it, they listen to Phil Collins. Yeah, but the one I watched was them listening to Johnny Cash Hurt and watching the video, which they knew nothing about at all. Yeah. Yeah. And they watch this. And I actually think and I don't use this term. It is a masterpiece. The Hurt video by Johnny Cash. I think it's the greatest

video and more. It's the greatest last will and testament of all time anyway they watch it and i was cat said oh you'll like these guys they're really funny and she showed me the phil collins and she said oh this is johnny cash one and i got anxious and i thought if they're gonna mock this it's gonna really upset me and he thought his face appeared at first and they went because you know, they're 21. They've never seen a face like that. And he does, I hurt myself. And they, honestly, these guys, and one of them says, oh, man, this is like a savage old man. And I thought, that's exactly, and they got it. They totally got it.

And they loved it. They really, it was full respect. It was really proper. There's no punchline to this. It made me properly emotional that they still got it. So I'm going to watch LL Cool J's Christmas single with Mariah Carey. See if it hits me the same way.

Yeah. of Kerry, see if it hits me the same way. Yeah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've just been handling our new t-shirts which have been sent to us from the Isle of Lewis.

We only returned to the studio last week because we've been in some semi-isolation as most of the country is now. Not Al, but most people. No, I am. Oh, you are? Oh, yeah.

Okay, I thought you'd eschewed it. No. I got a letter from P.S.O. Halloran. Oh, yeah. This is like Cyril in that slide. Yeah, exactly. He says, dear Frank, Emily and the Cockerel. And then I'm a longtime reader, but first time gift sender.

Oh, don't be a stranger. My favorite kind. And he said, I was impressed to hear you were big fans of the Lewis Jessamine. Well, I don't know about these two, but I love them. I think I'm drawing them in. Yeah, you really are. I don't know about these two, but I love them. I think I'm drawing them in. Yeah. You really are. And so he sent us a T-shirt each.

They are the Creative Graphic Design Studio and Cultural Gift Shop on the Isle of Lewis. You know it. It's just by the three stags. And they've recently made Lewis. So they sent us t-shirts and notebooks, I've got to admit I'm going to admit this, there was part of me

that thought, look they'll love the t-shirts I won't read out the notebooks I'll keep those for myself I did, and for ten minutes I'd stolen them, and then I thought I can't do this I won't feel good about it. So you've got your note.

Thanks anyway P.S. See this is one of the best bits of working with the religious I think. Secularists would have just kept us. There you go. What we should do, if this was some sort of one of your little parables Frank I know you like those

we should return them to you as a reward for your act of generosity. I don't think so. I think, well, there has to be a stop to the generosity, otherwise we'll just keep giving them to each other. It stops right here. When the generosity stop stops. No, exactly. Anyway, I've got my hour and I'm happy.

Okay. We were talking, oh, sorry, exactly. Anyway, I've got my hour and I'm happy. Okay. We were talking... Oh, sorry, Alan. You did introduce me to the idea of the Lewis chessmen. It had passed me by, but I've since seen them in the British Museum and also I think we discussed them when a chap in Edinburgh found one in his drawer. Found one in his drawer, yeah.

Sold it for three quarters of a million quid or something. That's a, yeah. Sold it for three quarters of a million quid or something. Alright. That's a good move. Yeah. Oh, Frank. I think we're going to have to go out on that. Let's face it, we're not going to follow it this link. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. You were talking about the people watching the John Hurt video on YouTube and 398. John Hurt? Oh, not John Hurt. Johnny Cash. Not John Hurt. Do you know what? I was looking at the screen and I saw Hurt and just filled in the blanks. Okay. Would you be very kind and repeat the name of the programme featuring the Hurt video?

That sounded interesting, says 398. It's not often I get interesting as a review. But yes, it's called First Time Listening. And they're twins, 21-year-old American twins. Yes, they're twins. Listening to, watching the Hurt video for the first time. There's a bit where it says, it's like real man's,'s Man singing Like a man's music

And I thought Can you still say that? I think I can Yeah At Twins the Trend Can say whatever they like Okay Okay

Is that Yes I was You see the truth Never goes out of fashion Johnny Cash Singing heart I went to the That's like a tagline To a movie goes out of fashion. Johnny Cash singing hurt. I went to the... That's like a tagline

to a movie. The truth never goes out of fashion. Well, you can have that. Thank you. I went to the Coropadist this week. This is another blues song. The first time I've been since

the old north which normal are we in now the non-normal yes the non-normal and then now we're back in the new normal in a way i realized of course um it's not a bad place to start the chiropodist because um he's i'm presuming they measure the metre from your head. Yeah. And he's always a metre from my head. That's where he operates. Well, nearly two, I suppose.

Well, don't flatter me, sir. Oh, Mr Cochrane. Two metres is like a basketball, isn't it? Yeah. No, I'm not two metres, but I'm a good metre plus, as they used to call it. Yeah. So, I'm not two metres, but I'm a good metre plus, as they used to call it. Yeah. So I felt very...

They do, I presume they measure it from the head, do they? Well, it doesn't really matter, does it? Well, I think it does. If I was lying in the park and you were lying and our feet were touching, I know it would be a bit of a much... We'd be safe, wouldn't we? But if our heads were touching... Yes, you're right. We'd both die. I don we? But if our heads were touching, we'd both die.

I don't think so. Well, you know. So if you're going out with friends today, if you hold on to their feet at all times, you can't pass on the virus. I think that's fair to say. You heard it here first, guys. Speaking of the anatomy, it's OK, don't panic.

Kat said, I had an absolute first this week, and I'm, you know, I'm not a young man. It's occurred to me this week I really not need to start singing when I'm 64 while it still applies I've got about 5 months but that's not what it was

the first for me is Kath who I've been with coming up to 20 years in September with breaks! And some of them quite long. And she said to me in all my years of physical activity,

something no-one's ever said to me before, she said, will you smell my nose? Huh. Wow. On 0906. That was, I've never. It's a weird phenomenon, smelling someone's nose. I don't want you to smell my nose.

It feels, I'll get to that. I'm sorry. It feels wrong. It's like taking a photograph of a camera. Yeah. There's already a nose. You know, present. What am I doing smelling a nose

that smells, can a nose smell itself? It's a good question. Not good enough for a texting. Don't be the judge of that. Because you can guess it smells like chicken. Oh, yeah.

Like all things that you've never smelt before. No, I will explain why. Well, have I got time to? No, I haven't got time. I just said to the producer, have I got time to? No, I haven't got time. I just said to the producer, have I got time? She just shook her head. She's got a black mask on.

It's not, it's not. It's a terrifying sight. You quite liked it. Has she got a black mask on or a thick beard? That'd be awkward, wouldn't it? If you said the producer's got a mask on, she'd say, no, I haven't actually. I just stopped shaving during lockdown.

Horror. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I was asked by Emily Dean why I was smelling my partner's nose. Not Parsons' nose, my partner's nose. I don't have that level of flexibility. I'll be straight with you. Well, I'll have to be straight with you because I don't have that level of flexibility. I'll be straight with you. Well, I'll have to be straight with you

because I don't have that level of flexibility. She has been applying a cream which contains garlic. Oh, dear. That wouldn't work for me, I'm afraid. No, why is that? You're a vampire. Loath. Yes, I am.

I absolutely loathe garlic. You do loathe the onion family, don't you? I do. Chives? Yeah. Garlic is a part of the onion family. What, the popular CBeebies animation? I don't think it is.

I find that show very triggering, can I say. I know you don't like a chive. I didn't know it was there. I'm not a fan of the garlic either. Oh, okay. The taste is not worth the legacy, as far as I'm concerned, but also it churns up all sorts of strange things in me. Oh, well, she's putting it on her nose.

Yeah, I think she read in the 14 times that there's some vampires that go for the nose. Uh-huh. The nostril-artu. No, I mean, I think it's the staff, you know. We've talked before about the staff. She said to me, I wish you wouldn't talk about my staff on the radio. Here we are again.

It's a funny old world. 8.12.15, for any reason you like that's clean um can i say um i just want to read some of the i got um a packing slip in the post from so i don't know who sent me this but remember when i um displayed that i had a very very split and frayed iPhone charge cable. Oh, yes. Yes. Somebody sent me a couple of iPhone charger cables. Cables?

Yeah. Oh, you've got it all done. Brilliant. Who is this person? Well, I don't know. They come from Otter Products, but it can't be from them. Maybe it could. Oh, I saw a film of an otter kill a rabbit this week.

Well, that sounds good. Brilliant. You've had a busy week on the old YouTubes. Yeah. Just going to write down otter versus rabbit. I keep a very detailed YouTube search list. They dance as well, otters. Dance in a sort of a frenzy thing.

On their prey? No, I think they dance before. They mesmerise their prey by dancing. I do that. We've all done it, Al. Yes. And then they tear them apart. I charge for that.

I didn't think they had it in them. Read the letter. So thank you for that. There is no letter, there's just a packing slip. This is obviously from, I've always waited for my night with a white charger. Tell me about it. And he's finally arrived.

I thought you were going to, sirs, I thought it was going to be one of those. No, so whoever sent me those, thank you so much. Maybe it was Jim Carrey. Cable guy! Lovely. Yeah. What else?

Well, you asked for anything on the text in 8.12.15. That's where we are now. It's for order. You also said keep it clean. We've had this. I think it just about scrapes into the clean category. It's about cleaning anyway. Okay.

Morning FEA. Took my son to a university open day in london needed to use the loo so went into one of the very modern looking wcs there i walked past one of the other fathers i'm presuming that that means of a child on the way to university rather than like a cleric yeah who had mistaken the space age horse trough type sink for a urinal. I walked past him to the actual urinal as the realisation dawned on him that he was relieving himself in the wrong place. Hashtag look before you leap.

Yeah, but I was at, I think, Latitude and I saw the reverse of that. Somebody washing their hands. Yeah, I know. Oh. I know. Laugh. I thought you meant a horse going to a human toilet when you said the reverse of that.

No, I've never seen that. That would be terrifying. Imagine, I mean, can they stand on? I imagine they'd do that thing, you know, when they're resting and they rest one leg on the toe. They'd be like that at the urinal. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You can do all of those things, or one of them. Frank, you referred to the three stags earlier.

Do you recall? Yeah, I was making it up. I don't actually know the pubs on the name of, on the Isle of Lewis. Well, exactly. But 036 has got in touch to say, wow, as the landlord of the three stags in Lewis, that cannot be right. I was gobsmacked to hear Frank mention us on the show.

Even more surprised that he knows where we are. Do pop in for a free non-alcoholic beverage of your choice. That's got to be a hoax, hasn't it? I can't. Well, we've got boffins in white coats checking now. Even in hoaxes you're getting offered free stuff. Well, exactly, but if I was free stuff in a

fictional public house. Yes, maybe. Cyber free stuff. By the way, I watched I watched... I'm so sorry to interrupt. No, no, go on. But I just wanted to say I believe this is genuine. Oh, no, no, go on. But I just wanted to say I believe this is genuine. Oh, brilliant.

Wow. That might be my first ever psychic experience. You think so? Not your first freebie, though. I have never, no, certainly not. I am... Cable guy. I've been a complete psychic experience free zone my whole life.

I've never had a dream that come true. I've never had deja vu no never really you have i honestly haven't i don't even quite know what it is but i've never thought i've been here before i haven't thought that about places i have been before i get lost every day of my life i mean do you think you're just not conscious of it when it's happening? Because I think I get déjà vu once a day. Really? What?

Once a déjà vu? That's a... I mean, I get it so regularly. Do you? Do you? I loved your reaction to my, I get déjà vu once a day. Have you ever had those things where you say, oh, God, I get danger of who wants a date. Have you ever had those things where you say,

oh, God, I dreamt this was going to happen? Never. I just don't. It passed me by, psychicism. But you, Al, you look like a bloke, and I believe in things like auras. No, I mean, we did have a conversation about my... Unicorn sweatshirts. My 3D with the horn.

I can see with the horn actually at the front, the quilted horn. That sounds a lot like me. That's a good boozer. I used to have a bit of stand-up about how boring my dreams were that I'd dreamt that I'd forgotten to renew my car tax. And had you?

Yeah, and even in... Well, it wasn't a premonition. It was just one of the things that was on my to renew my car tax. And had you? Yeah, and even in... Well, it wasn't a premonition. It was just one of the things that was on my to-do list. Oh, OK. As it were. I've never really been a big written-up to-do list guy. But, yeah, even in my dreams, it was low-level admin, irritating, boring.

Do you know what? I'm sorry, Al, but that's... But now, of course, you don't need the disc. That's a brilliant song. Even in my dreams, you were low-level admin. I would love that song. I was thinking that another good song would be the Do Ron Ron, but

to-do-do list in which you talked about all the things you had to do. Well, it's not a massive list, but I'm happy to. It'd be like an Alan Bennett talking head, but without the drama. And Mother and I went to Rippon. So, I watched Man City play Real Madrid last night. And Real Madrid played in all

pink, their all pink away kit. Alright. Very Gemma Collins. And I said to Kath what do you think of the Real Madrid kit then? And she said is that I'm surprised footballers play

in pink because it's seen as that. And she said in Spain though, maybe it's not seen. Pink isn't seen as a female colour. I know, you know, etc. But it then occurred to me that ball fighters, matadors, wear pink tights under their toreador pants. Do they? I believe you're right.

Now, I wonder if that suggests that in Spain, pink has other significances. You know, it's not so Gemma Collins. It's more Jeff Capes oh they do wear capes yeah they do when I said that

I saw the two of them on a seesaw I don't know why did that weird like the two sides of life femininity

and yes bullish aggression lovely I think I'll pick me way through lovely use of bullish right

hold on yeah just put it all in the cardboard box I'll pick me way through. Lovely use of bullish. Right, hold on. Yeah, just put it all in the cardboard box. I'll carry it out to the car. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I received a letter from Adam Sleiter. Oh, yeah. And he said, Hi, Frank, I was watching Room 101.

I'll bring that up. And oh, they'll repeat it but they won't recommission it, will they? Sorry. Sorry everyone. Anyway, you mentioned that you enjoy using bar soaps on there. Now, when I read bar soaps I thought this is someone who's in the business, isn't he?

This is like people who work in the clothes trade who use the word garment. Yes. Sure enough, my wife and I sell a range of cosmetics made with Bulgarian rose oil. One of my favourites. Is it?

I love it. I wouldn't have even known that. No, I've never heard of it before. Oh, he's tricking me. I have, obviously. Anyway, he sent me a bar of soap, God bless him, Adam. But then he adds... Just the one? Just the one.

That'll last me till winter. Consider it a thank you for helping me get a job in 1988. Did he? After I attended a session at Hales Owen College organised by the Job Centre, at which you helped me to write my CV. Can you believe it? It's a funny old world, isn't it, Saint?

Is it? Isn't that lovely, Frank? That's really nice. You've changed his life. On the subject of jobs, 660 has texted, thinking of how weird it is to smell a person's nose, spare a thought for opticians. Presumably they're leaning in.

Looking at people's eyes, of course. Looking at the eyes. They're always smelling the nose. No, I think he meant smelling a nose. It's two senses crammed together and looking at eyes is the same as isn't that what he meant? Do you think so? I think so, that's my bet.

I'm assuming that they mean that they were quite close to people's face. But when you assume Yeah, true. That's true, yeah. Let's not forget that piece of tired old wisdom. Do opticians wear white coats?

Yeah, I think so. 8, 12, 15. Oh. Because... I don't... I think mine is quite sort of glamorous woman in, you know, glamorous woman clothes. You're thinking of your optician?

Yeah. I'm thinking of my optician. Because I believe we've discussed this before, but you know my ideal glasses are... Well, she keeps saying, like this or like that. Oh! Is that better? Worse.

Oh, right. My ideal glasses are the test glasses. Oh, yes. The Elton Johns. Yeah, they are, yeah. Oh, I love those. They're very cyberpunk, aren't they? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And there's all sorts of bits and little things you can turn and micrometer type things. I feel like that. I really do. I feel like that inventor in The Nightmare Before Christmas, the evil professor. Yeah.

You could probably get them on eBay, though, it's so spectacular. I don't do eBay. You don't do eBay? You don't do eBay? No. Wow. Yeah. You could probably get them on eBay, though. It's so spectacular. I don't do eBay. You don't do eBay? You don't do eBay? No. Wow. Okay.

Wow. Okay, I do eBay. Yeah, me too. Not for any reason. I just don't... I'm old. I don't understand the technology. Oh, that's great.

Oh, I don't. I mean, I just say to my PA, I want this. Oh, thank you. Now the truth will out, Al. Well, yeah, I mean, that's what I meant by doing it. I can't believe that in this crowd I'm keeping it real by just using eBay myself. Wow.

If any young people want to teach me... Well, my PA was saying to me recently that eBay's gone through a bit of a change and it's less about people selling their stuff and more about people selling new stuff on there. That was a change I didn't see. Oh, I love it when you have those chats with your PA. Yeah, that gives me a bit of reel, a bit of reel now and again.

Very handy. It's handy for my short stories. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's handy for my short stories. I was contacted by Sarah. That's all I know. And she sent me a book called Getting to Know the USSR. Oh, yeah. As you know, I'm not to Know the USSR. Oh, yeah. As you know, Emma, it's up your street. Oh, it's so far up my street.

Up your stroika. Come on, son! And it's a book from 1963, and it's a children's book. Oh, yeah. And it says things like, of the Soviet Union, this is a message for, you know, the British children, isn't it?

You think their country, they think their country is the best in the world. You think yours is. They've been told that the USR will soon be the most powerful nation in the world. They are taught to work hard to make this possible they've been told that most people in this country are unhappy slaves in Pravda they read that we and our friends want to start a war

but if they met you they would find that you aren't really a slave and you don't want to start a war I think there's something in that and then it ends want to start a war. I think there's something in that. And then it ends. It really makes me feel my soul could sing openly if I read that as a child. Actually, it's got some

beautiful illustrations. I have read it and I liked it. It ends, if because of our differences we fight each other, we shall all be killed. Yeah. Soviets and British people alike. When's that book from? 63. Luckily

relations with Russia have markedly improved recently. Oh yeah. Thank goodness that that mistrust has disappeared. Gone. Because it was potentially dangerous. Look at the postcard she sent me. That is good. It's Peter Capaldi putting a shirt on.

That's a lovely... That's my kind of photo. You never tire of the fact that you get... In the same way that I always get dog merch, you get Doctor Who merch. Do you never tire of that? Oh, God, no. I love it.

What merch do you get, Al? Nothing. Kung Fu. Oh, yeah, sometimes. We got our Lewis Chestnut t-shirt. That's right, yeah. We also got some, there's a very, very good charity that I can't name and it's to raise awareness for young people's

mental health, which is obviously and I don't even say this in a, you're supposed to say it because it's right on. It is obviously a brilliant thing. And you can get it on sohappyintown.com. But the problem is it's got a swear word in the title. But it's basically, it's okay to feel. in the title but it's it's basically it's okay to feel and that and the lady um susie has sent us some merch thank you susie and it won't be um the the first time i've worn stuff with um on it so um

not since my drinking days i don't think so that's all good I'm going to do one last thank you then we're out the way of this and you know what my old mate Bill sent me this week this year's wisdom which is always a joyous moment I've got three wisdoms on the trot now

and that was next year's I suspect will be a slim volume of wisdoms because it's much less cricky. I'm wondering if they'll do that. Do you know the things in books sometimes, they used to have notes at the end and about eight blank pages?

Yes! Maybe they'll do that. I've never filled in one of those notes in a book. No. Can't be doing with that. I like the idea, personally. I like the idea of somebody reading a book by me and then making notes on it.

Do you know what I mean? Well, now you can go on Twitter and see what they had to say. Oh, thank you. I won't be doing that. Oh, thank you. Now there's a desperate bit of anger on there. On Twitter? Yeah. Anger? on there. On Twitter? Yeah.

Anger? I know. Who knew? I know that sounds far-fetched. You check it out, my friend. You'll see. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Can I talk to you boys about accents? Because I came... Oh, you're core off. Alan? Uh-huh. I came across a survey this week. Did you see this?

It was eHarmony, the dating... Don't admit that you saw this or went on this website, boys. Well, I saw it because every time I see an accent survey, I just check that we are as ever. Mine is in the bottom three where it constantly dwells. Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. Well, it's there. It was 17, so, you know, don't give up.

As Kate Bush herself once said. Did she? With Peter Gabriel. Oh. When you say bottom three, they have only picked these 20. I mean, you think how many other accents there are in the world that they've not listed. Well, can we establish what this is?

Oh, yes. Leptin boys. And the discovery from the findings were essentially that accents play a huge role in attracting a mate. Mm-hm. I was surprised by that. I was surprised at how many people felt that was such a big deal.

One in eight people said they'd gone on a date on the strength of the accent or that it was a motivating factor. Wow. The accent that came out... Great news for John Coleshaw. He can be all things to all women. All men. And what about Yarwood?

I mean, what a life. What a life Yarwood had. But of course, eventually in a relationship like that, as happens in all relationships, you finally get to the, and this is me moment. It's always a blow. Not always, usually. Some never get to that stage.

Can I point out, by the way, before we talk about this, that Rachel Lloyd, the relationship expert at eHarmony... Yeah. I mean, I've been looking for a job that's easier than stand-up, but... Well, stick around. She said, and I wrote this down, she said it's all right to be attracted by accent. Oh, did she?

But then she said, and I quote Rachel Lloyd, the relationship expert at eHarmony. I love that, because you're distinguishing her from the tennis coach. Oh, is there a Rachel Lloyd? No, there's a David Lloyd, and the Lloyd name, to me, I think, must be in association with David Lloyd Centre. Anyway, back to Rachel.

To me, it means hanging off a big clock. Oh, yeah. Anyway, she said, we need to evaluate their core values and personality traits to work out if they're a suitable match. Yeah? I know, but, you know, you've had a couple of drinks. You're not doing that, are you?

You need a bit of shorthand there, Rachel. You know what I mean? We can't all fill a form in. Yeah. I don't know, what if it's in a... It's all right for you guys at eHarmony. But in the outside world, when you're meeting your

potentials you've got to you know what I mean streamline the decision making process it's the rule

of thumb what's the rule of thumb you know you've got to look alright yeah that's about it

really isn't it can you not ever edit a fashion magazine you've got to look alright that's about it really, isn't it? Can you not ever edit a fashion magazine? You've got to look all right. That's about it really, isn't it? Anyway, see you next month. Here's some jeans. Harmony's not the word I've been reaching for if I was running a relationship thing.

E-friction? E-desolation? Dating site? Anyway, that was Rachel Lye. I just want to put this E-Desolation dating site. Anyway, that was Rachel Lye. I just want to put this in. I don't want anyone to listen to this and think they should just judge by accent. Yes, okay.

Core values. Accent and looks and willingness as well. Core values obviously means flat stomach. Oh, fine. I bet it does. I bet it does. They talk about this.

But I haven't seen the photographs that illustrate the people that are on eHarmony. I'm sure you haven't. What do you think they look like? You both have. Not recently. Very happily attached, these people. Last time I was single, there was no internet. Oh, God. Can we return to this accent story?

Yes. I'm not saying I am personally invested in this. OK. They were discussing, as we were saying, what accent was found the most attractive. Alan, are you aware of the winner? The most attractive

accent. Somewhat loathes me to say it, Emily Dean, but it's RP, Received Pronunciation, isn't it? Which I think you support. I wouldn't describe... I would describe RP as those black and white films

where a lady says, you're in love with her, weren't you? Yeah, you know you talk like that. Yeah. I'm waiting for her to do the voice that they did in those old films

instead of just saying it. I would say you are received pronunciation, but I know there are extreme reviews, but I don't think anyone talks like those people. Jazza Paxman. So here's the difference, I would say, between RP and me. Jazza Paxman.

Good night. Emily Dean. Good night. Oh, you dropped the T. I did it on purpose. Yeah. Yeah. I don't look at, you know, we are what we are yeah i'm i'm

it's certainly in the most if you take acting if you and i do if you have an rp accent it's a massive massive event i mean what's my chances of being cast as an alien ambassador in a science fiction film. Now, it's just as ridiculous that somebody from the planet Beltone says, we have arrived from... It's just as ridiculous as me saying, yeah, we just got here from Beltone. But it goes to the RP. But aren't the aliens more equal opportunities now on the regional accents front?

I don't think they are. Not the ambassador class. Ambassador class. Ambassador class. Yeah. Not them. The ones who, for some reason, dress like people from ancient Rome,

even though they're from the future. Mid-management and above aliens are all RP. Yeah. Are you going to be, yes. Doctor! Even the Daleks, there's no accent in there. You're never going to hear, I know what you mean, I've never heard a monster say,

Primitur Illuminatis. No, no, if you did that, it would be comedy. Yeah. Well, I'll be all the better for it, can I say. Wow. So, yes, that won, anyway. And it said that the RP accent you'll be glad to hear is associated with

intelligence. I'm not RP. Oh, OK. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show, please, on 81215. Follow the show, please, on 8-12-15.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We were discussing a recent survey on the attraction that people find in certain accents. So there are people who go out with people because they've got a certain accent which is yeah do you think that's been true in your case well the first first group of people which direction frank or or the people going out with frank what is it i think do have people being attracted to

frank because of his accent no i think it's mainly uh it was fame and money for most of them. Right. Not everyone. I stopped with the nicer people. But I think that's fair. You know, we had a deal. But no, I You're 17th on the list. Can we just Yes, I know that.

That's what I mean. I had to overcome that. Years of gigging, television, working hard, writing, to overcome being 17th on the list. Can I tell you what it was a surprise entrant? Yes. Was, I thought, number five. Yes, surprise, surprise entrant. Which one is that?

Number five, Germany Ah Yeah I mean, I think it might Just because I wouldn't have seen it as the language of love necessarily, I don't know Yeah, I think the fact that Germany is above, say, France

which I think is often thought of as like an accent of romance, isn't it? Yeah I mean, Emily doesn't like garlic. France and Spain... She's happy with a bratwurst. France and Spain are really at the bottom of the list. Really?

Well, I think it's the people have spoken, if you know what I mean. I know, but they also spoke about Germany, didn't they? Yeah, you think. I like the German accent. I like it's clipped. Right. You know, I imagine Kraftwerk in the studio

saying, does this was a Nazi? Maybe that's what carried them up to number five in spite of some of their other... I was surprised, and this is no disrespect to the people who come from there, but I don't... This is not my own judgement, but I've seen a few of these charts in my time

looking for my own accent at the bottom. Oh, that's so sad. Do you know that's made... That's actually made me feel very emotional with a pathos of that. Oh, yes. And I don't remember... I don't remember Cornwall scoring as highly as they scored on this one. I think they're top three, aren't they? No.

No, they're number 20. They're bottom of the leaderboard. Oh, I see. I see. Which is also, I think, unfair, because I've met some very attractive Cornish people, actually, in my time. I associate them... I live in Eston.

I very much associate them with smuggling. Do you? And, of course, coves. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. No, that makes sense, because usually they're pretty close to my own accent, and I'm glad that there's been some consistency in that.

Can I tell you what's happened here? There's a reason for your confusion. It's because they were most associated with a good sense of humour, and in your head, you would have banked that away as a positive thing. You know what, I think you're right.

There are some weirdnesses in it. A lot of famous Cornish comics, of course. It says in the... It says in the um it says in the article that um certain celebrities can have an impact on an accent positive or negative and so it says that apparently liam gallagher of oasis uh formerly has a negative impact on the attractiveness of the Manchester accent, which I think is unfair because he's obviously been attractive. He's got several ex-wives, I think.

He's a good-looking man. He's got more families than Sylvania, so I think he's... He's done all right for himself. Yeah, he's provably attractive. Well, I saw a thing in the paper once and it said... It was talking about the West Midlands accent, and it said... It's Land News Week.

It said, associated with celebrities like Adrian Childs and Cat Dealey. I'm waiting. And I thought, if I'm not getting in that list, that really is... Please tell me you were. I wasn't, that was it. Oh, shut up. Ozzy Osbourne, did he get a look in? I mean, I can't.

No, that's, no. What? I... Has Ozzy Osbourne even got an accent now? What is that thing? He sees more Birmingham than me, though. The bright lights, the big city. Right.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been talking about accents this morning on Absolute Radio. I have to say, I don't know if you have any particular favourites, you boys. I have a real thing for the Texan accent. Do you? I always have. I find that surprising. Why? Why?

I just want to thought with you. I think it might have been because I had a crush on Larry Hagman as a child. Oh, that makes sense. But it just does something to me. Yeah? It's all I need to hear is a Texan accent. I like the receptionist. Hello, all I need to hear is a text and accent. I like the receptionist.

No, can I help you? Oh, I thought you were talking about a particular receptionist. No, no, I don't like the receptionist. I think you're... What if I just thought about the one here? A bit unfiltered, Frank. Yeah, just thinking, oh, God, it's on air. I think your particular favourite is trying to connect you

well I have often wondered whether someone gets money every time they answer the phone because someone must have written da da da da da must have written that tune the receptionist tune

and let's hope they got their royalties sorted because they're going to be rich people I once met the man who wrote the music for Morse and he told me that Morse at that time this has been a long time ago but he said Morse there was barely an hour when Morse wasn't being shown somewhere on the planet

and every time it was played he got money for the theme tune. Ka-ching. Exactly. Wow. I think I agree with 391 here, who has said... Me too. The accent slash hot scale is akin to, well, the crazy hot scale, they say.

The more physically attractive a person is, the more likely an unusual accent is considered sexy. Sheffield isn't known for its attractiveness but alex turner makes it so glaswegian accents aren't particularly sexy but james mcavoy makes it so so they're saying the celebrities are lifting i mean i suppose you could take somebody with the same accent and it might not be like for instance, you know, I'm hot stuff with my Yorkshire accent, but some gargoyle off Emmerdale, not going to be so much, yeah? Yeah, you might be right. Is this the logic?

That makes sense. It's been so long since I've seen Emmerdale, I don't even know what people look like on it now. There's still people on it. Is it animated now? What about if they said... Is that the musical? You know, you've been on it haven't you?

No That's the music Well it was I remember it when it was Emmerdale Farm Oh yeah Favors and Changes Can you imagine the meeting when someone said Farm

That's putting young people off It's a bit unwieldy Oh is that why they got rid of it Because it didn't sound very cool Well they made it young I think they killed a few old people In a combine harvester accident. And then they got some glamorous young people in.

You know where it goes. Must have missed those ones. Someone, I met someone in the early days of what they used to call the lonely hearts. Oh, yeah. Dating things. And someone told me that they work there. And this was back in Birmingham.

And they said the most ticked box they got for, you know, it must be a non-smoker or something. The most ticked box was must live within five miles. And I love that. You know, he's a fabulous bloke, but I'm not catching two buzzes. We've been discussing the attractiveness of various regional accents. 153 has sent an anecdote. I'm from Walsall in the West Midlands.

I kissed a girl in a nightclub in Stoke-on-Trent once and we met up a few days later. So far, so good. She said, I didn't realise you had that accent and I haven't seen her since. Oh, well, she's got a nerve coming from Stoke-on-Trent. You tell her. Oh, if he'd have stopped with him,

he could have took her to the Arboretum Illuminations in Walsall. Maybe. That would have been lovely. Oh, lovely. While we're in the romance... Can I tell you something about the Illuminations in the Arboretum in Walsall? Hang on one second. Please do, enlighten us.

OK. They had a thing. They used to have these, you know, what are illuminations? And they had one, it was something like the boot family or something. They were all sort of shoes, shoe family. They were all lit up and illuminated.

But they were like people based on shoes. And some of them had got arms and someone had drawn a Nazi armband on one of the shoe people. I mean, you know, shabby. Anyway, I went the following year. It was still there. Still there the next year. For goodness sake.

No one had considered it a sort of code red situation. No one had thought, maybe we should get that off. We'll get round to it in a year or two. We've got our list of things to do, our to-do list. To-do run, run, run, yeah. To-do list, list, list, to-do list, list. While we're in the world... Oh, you dropped your pen there.

One of you. Who dropped their pen? No, I was drumming. Frank drumming. Oh, lovely. You know the drumming bit in To world... Oh, you dropped your pen there. One of you. Who dropped their pen? No, I was drumming. Frank drumming. Oh, lovely. Do you know the drumming bit in Do Do Ron Ron? I thought you were doing the Phil Collins. I once sang Do Do Ron Ron as a duet with Mr Methane. And if you remember, that was a good impression of his act.

Yes, and he did the Do-do-ron-ron bits. Did he? Yeah, I'll leave it there. That's another YouTube search I'm going to have to write down. Well, the BBC banned it, so it was never broadcast. Banned? Yeah. Really?

You're like on the banned list. Do you know what I love? You were so ahead of the curve getting banned by the BBC. Yeah. I hadn't done it. I mean, you know, it was that methane felt. Oh, never mind. He never met his match. Very good.

His act was a lot of hot air. Oh, whatever. This article did have one thing that I questioned where it said RP, I think you may have quoted this earlier, it said RP is strongly associated with intelligence, sophistication and

charm. And I thought have these people not met any of the many stupid posh people that you meet? Yeah, the former Arsenal manager, Hooray Henry. It used to be, you know, it used to be Tim Nice but dim, Hooray But Dim it was a tradition wasn't it

the stupid the stupidity in all classes wow okay I can say that with an air of pride imagine I said that

I don't think they've got that over on us imagine I said that er I think I think that is true it's fair enough

yeah I mean well as I say I'm not RP. What I would like to say is it makes me feel happy that the entire aspects of the whole list are represented in this studio. Thank you. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Diverse top to bottom.

No German, though. No, I can do the next link in a sort of German accent. How do you imagine that? Oh, very good. Enjoy this music. Producer seems unhappy about it. No, exactly. I think we're all right.

I think we're aiming up. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've been talking about attractive accents this morning. I'm going to keep us in Romance Valley. OK. Because something... A story came up this week which really caught my attention. I'm going to call it the worst proposal in the world.

Oh, yes, I know what this is, yeah. So, Schadenfreude fans, you'll enjoy this one. This gentleman... Well, it is German week here on Absolute. You're going to do the whole link in German, aren't you? Mein lieber. A gentleman who went by the name of Albert, based in Sheffield.

That rings a bell. Lovely Frank. He decided to propose to his girlfriend, Valeria. He fell back on what I think is becoming a bit of an old faithful in terms of modern proposal methods, the tea lights, Frank, spelling out, will you marry me? Or just simply marry me question mark. I hadn't seen that before, I must say, with the tea lights. spelling out will you marry me or just simply marry me i hadn't seen that before i must say with the tea lights had you not no i didn't know alan i didn't know that

but i don't i mean i thought it was very sort of sting video you know it's a lot of candles around do you know i was familiar with this um not personally might i say but a girl i worked with let's leave it there she because the marriage didn't go ahead i'm afraid but her fiance at the time i remember her saying telling me about the proposal in a hotel and she said well i said how was it and she said well it was a bit tricky because he had to use about 80 tea lights wow i had to sit in the reception for an hour of the hotel while he was setting up. And when I got there, his hands were so red raw

from the lighter, having to scrape the lighter over and over again to light the tea lights. I mean, he crouched down, held out the ring looking... And his gnarled hands. With gnarled old hands. I mean, talk about Gollum.

In his smoking hands. It's Gollum, isn't it? Yeah. Gnarled old hands holding the ring. And did the ring go... Alan Howard, voice of the ring. Oh, is that right? So I'm just saying,

I was aware that this wasn't without issues, this method of proposal. She said yes, did she? She said yes at the time. I'm afraid there were insurmountable issues, which meant that the wedding did not go ahead with that particular gentleman. Some great gossip to be had off air from this story,

I'm certain of it. Keeping it professional, Emily Dean. But... Anyway, Albert. Albert. So... Oh, yeah. of it but keep it professional emily dean but anyway albert albert so oh yeah he's got um we should use football as time he's looked up he's looked up he's lit the candles he's lit tea lights yeah 800 in this case he's schoolboy era he's placed 60 balloons in the room. Yeah. And they move balloons, almost of their own volition. Uh-huh. I mean, let's cut to it, the chase here. Well, hold on. The major error was he then went out.

Yeah, that's the bit. Now, I don't know about you, but I would never in a million years deliberately light one candle and then go out the house. No. And if I did, it would be all I thought about from the moment I left until the moment I returned.

If I did, there'd be someone tied up with a big axe about to swing down and the candle would be just below a piece of string that was holding up the axe. That's the only way I'd do it. It's good to have a rule.

Yeah. Well... But he, Albert... He went out and... Albert went out. Let's leave it on a cliffhanger because I don't think anyone can guess what happened. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Yeah, we were discussing the worst proposal ever. So, man, like, how many tickets? I don't know. People might have had worse. Well, look, I'd love to.

It's the end of the show now, but for next week, if anyone did any elaborate proposals, because I do like those wild proposal things. Oh, yeah. And, or, best and the worst, we'd love to hear about them, we'd read them out and discuss next week. Mine might

count as the worst, we actually didn't have a proposal, it was just a conversation through an open car window and then... Oh yes, well, I have no idea mate, like that. It was basically like a kind of, oh yeah, we should probably pick become a married couple

oh god i didn't i thought they didn't like kissing no you met someone oh jim not you i was driving off to do oh you were leaving an event i think so what were the oh i think it was pretty much see in a few days and yeah we'll get married eventually won't we yeah okay was the word dear he used it something like that that's brilliant well you know what i love lovely and economical oh for you as well no but if al had said he'd gone down on one knee and that i would have been shocked. Al's not going to get the tea lights. Not with my sciatic nerve, what it is. The traditions of dying out. Carrying over the threshold,

that's gone in the age of the international obesity crisis. Oh, dear. Yeah, so... Take her into the garage. Oh, Albert. Oh, Albert. So, of course, the Flcourt fire is what happened. I'm afraid, yeah.

It was an accident. Which I think if he'd known it was going to happen, he could have put, like, will you marry me in non-flammable stuff so that it was written in the ashes. That is a very good idea. Yeah, one for the arsonist romantics out there. I don't want

old ashes. Luckily, he's... Maybe written one in asbestos for the ex. That's a proposal hard get. But he still proposed. He proposed apparently on the pavement outside as the flat burned. Well, he did and then he recreated it.

I mean, she said he recreated it spontaneously, but there was a photographer from the local paper there to take... I mean, it's tragedy plus time, Albert, mate. Yeah, I mean, he's quite pleased with the story. Oh, they posed in the burnt-out husk. Well, I think you'll be... What a love... Again, a great pub. I... they posed in the burnt-out husk. Well, I think you'll be... What a lovely... Again, a great pub.

I... It's on the Isle of Lewis. I... I think you'll be less excited about it as a story when it gets back to the insurance company. Yes. I think you might know.

He actually said it's a great story. It'll be a great story to tell our kids. Yeah. Because what should have happened then is he should have gone, hold on, our kids are still in the flat. But it didn't.

Happily, that didn't. He did say as well, we got on like a house on fire. No, we never. Now, then he ruined it with too much. He went too far. He said, we got't like our house on fire Maybe we took it too literally

You've over-egged it, mate Yeah, and he also said, of the candles I made a note of this Maybe there's such a thing as too much love You know what? I've often thought Very cloying, isn't it? Sometimes

Very cloying Anyway, it sometimes very cloying anyway I hope the headlines got it but it wasn't sure so yes there you have it so thank you so much for listening to us

this morning and if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.