The Frank Skinner Show - Till-Ribbon

Episode Date: July 25, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The team bring you another show working from home. This week Frank has been watching Twin Peaks and has an eco-question. The team also discuss the breakage at the Museum of Glass, ‘in at the deep end’ moments, and hardcore ironies.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. And please don't text us today because we're not live. Hopefully I won't be saying that again for a very long time because we should be back in the studio soon. But today we aren't't so don't text us however you can follow us on twitter and instagram at frank on the radio or of course you can email us via the absolute radio website good morning guys morning morgan Morgan? No, I really don't like not being live, as you know, mainly because I like getting lots of texts come flying in from our readers responding to stuff that we've said.

It's like being sitting at some enormous, if you can imagine the sort of witty King Garth's round table where people are just chucking in stuff all the time. It's like, there's a double whammy today aside from that. One of them is at time of recording, the last games of the championship have not been played championship have not been played football wise so as I speak I don't know whether my team

West Bromwich Albion are now in the premiership or if they're facing that most preposterous of activities the playoffs they were sort of out of it all I won't bore you if you're non-football, but just briefly, they'd messed it up.

They'd bottled it. And then the other team, Brentford, who were close behind them last Saturday, I could see the same fear in their eyes when I watched their game that I'd seen in West Brom's. And they bottled it as well. So I know if we win, if we won last Wednesday, that would have happened when you hear this, yeah,

then that will be tremendous news. And the other thing is I was looking at Birmingham Live, which many of you will know is the sort of internet place for Birmingham news. Never off it. Yeah and it said on there that on the, why it was on Birmingham live I don't know particularly but it says on there that on the 24th of July which I think was yesterday, Friday yesterday, 24th of July, that a metre with a, sorry, a asteroid with 170 metres circumference was going to go perilously close to the Earth. And we'll feel foolish if that's hit and we haven't, we're not referring to it. I feel like that's the sort of news story that the regional newspapers shouldn't be the only ones

covering. You'd think so, wouldn't you? I don't know if they've got a lot of, maybe there's still some dinosaurs and it's a story still very close to home for those guys. But is it specific, is the meteor specifically going to graze Birmingham and where else

is that? You know what, I'll tell you what, it's light on this article, it's light on, this article, it's light on distance. Oh yeah. So it says that it helps the reader with the 170 metres circumference by saying

that is half as much again the circumference of the London Eye. Yeah. Now I know many of their readers will be saying, oh I don't know why you brought London up, it's all London eh? Which is what I would have said. But also it gives you the technical, it doesn't say the distance but it tells you that the asteroid is known as 2020 ND. That's what it's called, which is so ND for no danger, isn't it?

It's got to be. But I don't want to name that. Obviously, it worried me because NASA have been so busy getting in touch with people who think they've changed their star signs that there might be an asteroid heading towards Birmingham that they haven't really picked up. Oh, yeah. Because people are phoning them saying, hey, I used to be locking in love and now I'm just ambitious.

You know, they want to do a little more asteroid policing and a little less producing satin bomber jackets for Buzz Aldrin to wear. Yeah. OK? Yeah, I think that. I mean, I wouldn't. There's not long now probably to go with Buzz.

He'd be very sad to cut off his silk bomber supply at this stage. That'd be unnecessarily. I wonder where they'll all go, those silk bombers. I think we know one will end up in a certain North London home. Oh, I'd love it. Imagine that. Imagine an actual Buzz Aldrin silk bomber. Right, hang it next to my London Hard Rock Cafe leather varsity jacket.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was reading, and this is, I know we try and keep it light on the show, but I was reading that the Thames, you know that river that sort of goes from the Cotswolds? Yeah, that big river, the Thames. It's got a major plastic problem going on at the moment. Now, I know that's something that's talked about a lot, but I was talking to my eight year old about this. He is his years representative eco warrior at school.

So they have to have meetings now and again in which they talk about. Basically, they used to spy on their parents, so we will go and say if we're not putting the stuff in the right bins it's a fabulous East Germany theme they've got yes Bob he was you know we were talking about the plastic thing and I pointed out to him and I don't know if I've mentioned this before but when I was he's got a mr. potato head you know, but when I was... He's got a Mr Potato Head. You know those toys? I was going to say, he's a beautiful child.

I won't have that happen. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I should have expressed it more subtly. No, he's got a Mr Potato Head and in the modern Mr Potato Head style, it is a plastic... It's sort of potato-ish shaped thing. And then you stick eyes and noses. He's actually got the 11th Doctor, Mr Potato Head.

He hasn't. He has. Which one's the 11th one? Matt Smith. Okay, I like that one. So it's got a fez and floppy hair and dicky bell. What hat does Mr. Potato Head normally wear? Is it a sort of trilby?

Hey, you've got a choice. Because that's the whole thing with Mr. Potato Head is the endless versatility of having things just stuck into you. Which I think Pete Doherty once said to me. Oh, come on. But when I was a kid and I had a Mr Potato Head, when you opened the box, what you got was all the stick-on noses and hats and hands and shoes,

but you had to provide a potato in which you stuck them. That's right. Into which you stuck them. Did you have that out with Mr Potato Head? Yeah, I'd forgotten, but yes, I now realise. Me also. Now that, isn't it crazy that in an age where kids are taught at school that plastic is a bad thing, that we've actually gone away from the organic to the plastic in the Mr Potato Head world?

I think you're right. I've got another point. Stick around. world i think you're right i've got another point stick around the nerf gun yeah which is a gun that fires um a plastic gun that fires um foam plastic bullets very popular amongst children when i was a kid used to be a thing called the potato gun very popular do you remember that al i do and i think i know where this is going yeah it was a metal gun and you used to say I don't we used to stick it into the potato and it would like take out a pellet of potato which you could then fire yeah again great for the environment yeah now my third

of these great for the carpet potato everywhere I was gonna... Not so great for the carpet, but it's everywhere. No, but, you know... I was going to say, not so great for the guests either. I mean, come on. At least they know they've been hit by something organic. Although I wouldn't want to shoot Emily with a carbohydrate. Yeah. My body repels them automatically. No, this is where I...

At this point, I want to turn to you guys for help. I have got a distant memory, and I haven't looked this up because I just can't be bothered to look things up. I like to talk to people about them. I've got an idea that there used to be a potato radio that you stopped wires into, and you could actually get a station on there or two. I'm going to give you a few minutes to think about that.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I was trying to save the planet in the last link with my potato replaces plastic idea. I mentioned the potato radio. Does that ring a bell with any of you guys? Yes, I think it's a thing. Absolutely. It was a sort of science project thing, as I recall. I remember the little red curly wires sticking out.

Yeah, that made the potato look like a security person. You know, they've always got that curly wire behind the ear. Yes, yes. No, absolutely that was a thing, Frank. I suspect it always... I think there might also be a potato, like, little engine car that you can get in...

What? You know, places like the Gadgety Shop or something where you can motor a toy with a potato. I'm pretty sure you can make it do things. On that subject, how? Do you think Elon Musk is aware? I think he's got shares in potatoes. Probably, I haven't seen it.

On that subject, was there ever... He seems nice, Elon Musk. On that subject, was there ever he seems nice elon musk um on that subject was there ever the equivalent of a sort of billy bass fish dancing sunflower um feet potato do you know what i mean did the potato ever get its moment in those gadget shops shops? I can't. There used to be in the Salvation Army broadsheet, actually it wasn't a broadsheet, it was like a magazine but made on cheap paper. It used to be handed around the pubs. There was a cartoon featuring Sam Spodikins who was a potato who had adventures and would then uh speak to the um at the end he'd he'd share a moral with the readers

oh because he was in the salvation army yeah no because potatoes are profoundly moral vegetables did you not know that i imagine i imagine they're amongst the most serious of the vegetables, don't you? I reckon. Yeah, maybe. I mean, if ever a vegetable got bad press, there's all this, you know, eat as many, you know, five a day is brilliant. Oh, that's it, eat your vegetables. But no, we're not counting potatoes.

They're bad for you so yeah i feel for them a bit and also there used to be i used to date somebody actually who did um a kids tv show which is like a kids cookery show and there was a talking potato um person on there like a potato poppy, not a person who was potato-esque. So, yeah, they've had their 15 minutes of fame, potatoes, as predicted by Andy Warhol. So I don't think he was specifically thinking of them.

He doesn't look like he was a fan of the potato, Andy Warhol. No, no, he really doesn't he looks like he was a fan of the uh southern end of a leak turned upside down you could actually make a very good andy warhol pop it with an upturned leak almost no work to do if you you had a few extra Mr. Potato Man noses and that lying around. And just stick some black tights on for a polo neck. Bob's your uncle. Yeah. And I think just a little bit of ketchup for the psoriasis on the face.

And you're in business there. So if there's any kids listening uh there you are mr mr maker um in brackets pop art icons uh that's how you make a lovely little andy warhol pop it with a uh the southern end of a leak. Here's a question for you. I figure you guys, see this is where I miss the readers being immediately on tap. Do racehorses still

swallow their tongues? Oh, you're right. That would be an excellent question to hand over to the public. Yeah, I don't suppose you guys got any idea of you i've got to be honest my dad was a very a big um horse racing uh gambler man and i'll say big he'd have like he'd have a quid and 10 pence on most days um but every now and again he'd say to me oh no that horse it had to pull out

it swallowed its own tongue I don't think it was fatal always I think it's a thing that humans do as well but not very often occasionally footballers their own tongues

yeah and they get stretched off and it's scary. Oh. Oh, God, I didn't know that happened. The reason I think it sprang to mind is I was looking at the lyrics to Sa Plein Pour Moi by Plastic Bertrand. I was looking at the translation and it didn't feel like a very good translation I could be wrong but one of the things was that he said his cat had

eaten its own tongue and I don't think that can happen unless you remove it and then blah blah. But if anyone knows about these things do let us know and even if you let us know and we talk about it next week

these are the sort of things that are important to me yes so we've had making Andy Warhol out of leaks and cats following their tongues how's your morning going we I'll tell you what we need Frank is a lean Mac he knows about the horses doesn't he? Didn't he used to train Red Rom? Is that an urban myth? He told me the first horse he ever rode was Red Rom. Wow. That's impressive.

That is one of those where do you go from here isn't it? Like my first flight being to Australia. Was that right? Yeah. Wow. Did it, did it occur to you that you might not like flying? I suppose it must've. Yeah.

That, now that, that would be, that would be a good texting, wouldn't it? What, what's the best in at the deep end thing you ever did? Lee Matt,

Red Rom, Alan Cochran. I don't know what mine would would be but um it's something i'll continue to think about during the course of this show i'm just going to open a bottle of purdice there it goes i wanted to tell you what i was doing in case you thought i was uh breaking the neck of a domestic pet. Where was your first flight, Frank? Do you remember? My first flight, that turned out to be a biggie. I flew to Rome and the plane was struck by lightning. Oh, yeah. So I, you know, I thought just a loud bang and a few people looked panicky

and I thought maybe this happens a lot on planes. It's never happened to me since. Well, ignorance is bliss in that regard, isn't it? It is, yes. I was once on a plane that started to land, came into land, and at the very last minute went up again. And my partner, who's not a great flyer, said to me, what happened, what happened what happened and i said oh

they do that a lot you know they go in and then they say actually can you give it five minutes and we just go up again don't worry about it's happened to me loads of times total lie i'm terrified as well and then the steward walked past and did that mopping his brow thing as he walked which really helped it really really helped so if you're listening luigi thanks for that frank skimmer absolute radio we were talking just now about what you called in at the deep end moments. Al, your first ever flight was to Australia, which is very impressive. I'd like to add something to the proceedings, which is first time I ever played Boggle was with James Coburn of the Magnificent Seven. Thank you.

Wow. That is. Was he any good? He was good at everything. Can you good? He was good at everything. Can you imagine? He was good at everything. You'd have liked him, Al. He was a martial arts enthusiast. I've enjoyed several clips of him being interviewed, actually. I really like him. He seems like his sound.

Yeah, he was like... Oh, sorry, carry on. I wasn't familiar with the game, you see. So it's quite a lot to take on board. I've never played Boggle, I must say. Certainly not with James Coburn. Well, it's egg timer based. I've played it quite a lot. It's slightly too monumental for the miniature egg timer.

Do you know what I mean? That you get in the game. He seemed all, it was all wrong with his giant Hollywood limbs. Are you sure you're not thinking of Twister? No, but I have played that with Richard Whiteley. That's enough name dropping. Have you actually? Yes, I have.

That's funny. With Richard Whiteley. Yes. You both have a lot of celebrities playing really normal games anecdotes I find much more so than me I've not got those games well Frank and I also played

Pictionary with Frank what with Michael was that with Michael Hodgins yes that was yeah thank you he could write a book on this I couldn't tell what he was answers where Where were that tangerine in his mouth? Frank. And I've seen one I've been watching just lately. For goodness sake. Twin Peaks. Now Twin Peaks, I don't know if you're

familiar with it, but when it was first broadcast in probably 89, maybe I was so obsessed with it. It's one of the first non Doctor Who match of the day TV shows, perhaps the first that I watched every episode. I made a point of people would say, oh, do you fancy going out Thursday? Whenever it was. And I'd no I can't Twin Peaks is on this was um before we had a VHS recorder which obviously changed their lives um and I've tried on a couple of occasions to get Kath to watch it my partner and she um she won't be forced Kath is a very keen runner and I remember once Caster Semenya was running a race on the telly and was just about bursting into that last 400 yards

where her stride becomes a real thing to see and I said to Kath wow look here goes cast a Semenya and she was on the sofa with me but she wouldn't turn her head the four inches of arc it would require to watch because she didn't like being told what to do and anyway i've we tr we i got her as far as the pilot of twin peaks about a year ago and uh she didn't care for it so we we didn't even finish watching the 90-minute pilot. And I love it so much. You know, it's a difficult emotional thing to share something you love with someone you love

if they don't like it. Yeah. I remember how she hated Man With Two Brains, the Steve Martin thing. Anyway, so this time we had a, I managed, she suggested it, in fact, to my joy. And I played it down, like, oh, you know, come if you like, if you like. And we watched the whole pilot. And she said after that was absolutely brilliant.

And I said, well, I can't understand. We watched it before. You didn't like it. She said, yeah, I think if I remember rightly, can't understand we watched it before you didn't like it she said yeah I think if I remember rightly the last time I watched it I was angry with you so I decided not to like it oh absolutely no is that how we live people was that your reply no I'd be too frightened to say that I just said yes darling well it's all turned out for the best i think is what i say this is frank skinner this is absolute radio

hello this is frank skinner on absolute radio with emily dean andchrane. Don't text us, we're not really here. I'm afraid this is a pre-recorded show but you can still follow us on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and of course you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. We've put a couple of things on Twitter and Instagram though that are mainly about people I think who went in at the deep end at various activities. One example being the first time Alan Cochran went on an aeroplane, he flew to Australia. Yes.

I hope he stopped on the way. Yeah. Kuala Lumpur? I think it was somewhere like Abu Dhabi. Oh, okay. But it was somewhere like Abu Dhabi. But it was one of those ones where I stayed in the airport for seven hours and then flew onwards to Australia. So it was still quite a big commitment. Jakarta?

That's what it was. No, no, she went on an aeroplane. I knew you'd do it. I knew you had it in you. We stopped at Kuala Lumpur and I was smoking at the time. And you could smoke on the flight in those days if you sat near the back. So I wasn't sitting at the back, obviously. So I went into the first class lounge at Kuala Lumpur.

And there was a guy there. And I said, just before I went in the first class lounge at Kuala Lumpur and there was a guy there and I said, just before I went in, I said, are you allowed to smoke in the first class lounge here? And the guy said, I think you have to. And when I went in, I think everybody in there was smoking. Different times. Smoking's bad for you, by the way. Can I tell you that's the official Absolute Radio policy.

We've got, we've had, some of our readers have got in touch via Twitter regarding In at the Deep End moments. Alex Ware says, my first time playing a gig abroad was a hardcore heavy rock festival in Belgium. We were an acoustic act. Oh dear. Oh, come on oh dear my first ever um first time i played banjo on stage was at a bluegrass festival in um kansas where you know it is banjo playing is a very very serious activity and I was really bad I mean I'm not being modest I could barely get through the tune it was for a documentary and it was all set up for my humiliation you know as some documentaries are and as I I mean I'm not proud of this but as I

went on stage I adopted a slight limp wanting what I was trying to get across was the audience to think I bet this guy used to be a brilliant banjo player and then he's been in some terrible accident right and he's still battling on but you know now it's nice that you gave them quite a big internal monologue about you well it was a very tense um i gotta say it was the judges on this uh banjo contest sat behind a curtain so you couldn't see them oh yeah and um i was told that's because there'd been physical threats in the past like weeks after the event yeah um some judge had been getting into his pickup just waiting while the the um the red setter jumped in the back

and a bloke would appear from a tree and said and um grab him by the um the straps of his dongueries and throw him across the car park so uh yeah that was uh that was a terrifying experience i I must say. I picked my way through it, wildwood flower like, ink, ink, ink, ink, ink, ink. But still warm applause at the end, just in case the limp was real, I felt, from the audience. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Have we had any other sort of online contact? Yes, we have. We've had a missive from Steffi, if Twitter can count as a missive, a brief missive. She says, re-in at the deep end, I moved to Bristol

from Reading on a total whim without ever having visited the place. I got a cab from the station Austin where a nice place to live would be he dropped me there and I found a house to rent I've been here 18 years now and have the Mafia found you Steffi those quite credible what I thought it's gonna be Steffi close quotes. I thought it was going to be Steffi here I married Boris Becker straight off.

That's brilliant though. It works out I assume. Do you know what Steffi ends the tweet with? Best decision I ever made. How can you say that? Wow.

Yeah, what's the best decision you guys ever made? Four eggs on three. I take it back. I mean, I have a few. Imagine how sycophantic if I said doing this show, Frank. But it's true. I would say be up there with some of mine doing this show yeah it's fun isn't it can we just have one more from Annie Gay who says first and last time I went windsurfing in La Manga Spain very windy day I couldn't control

the board and was lost at sea for several hours before being rescued by a German windsurfer. Wow, that's a terrifying story. Annie, are you okay? As someone who's a bit frightened of water, I mean, that is a scary story. Well, I suppose when we ask, what have you been in at the deep end,

we're going to get a water-based story eventually. It couldn't have been more perfect than that, really. And he's delivered. The sea. Well done, Annie. The sea is a deep end. You're a hero. Has there been any response to last week?

Because I like it when we get stuff that people... We have, actually. ...pull us up on or something. You were asking some questions last week about Justin Topa. Yes, well, because we were talking about NASA and astrology, which was in the news last week. And I looked up, when I hear the word astrology, I think Justin Topa.

So I looked up his Twitter and all I found really of note was that he said he'd developed a new catchphrase for saying goodbye, which was stay frosty. Well, I didn't understand what it meant. Some of our outside world correspondents seem to think that he did not develop this catchphrase of stay frosty. It seems to be already a thing. James Foley. Topher's behind the curve. this catchphrase of stay frosty it seems to be already a thing um james foley in that stay frosty is a catchphrase off call of duty jacko says also in generation cool means stay cool and focused i think so it's sort of like a version of stay cool but on steroids and you know in warfare or online warfare a sort of military phrase is it yeah okay well i'm sorry i mean i

you know don't shoot the messenger i um i i trusted toper that it was his his thing and that's what happened when you don't trust toper that's my uh this is the problem with plagiarists like they get away with it for a while it makes you wonder if his predictions are all um straight off the bat or if probably reworded mystic begs aren't they oh i hope, I hope not. That would be awful. Maybe there's just like a sort of a bank of things that they go to. Are you sure it's not a reference to his highlights? Because he does have very frosty tips on his hair, I'm just saying. Oh, it's really good that he's...

I expected you to say, we've had a text saying that Justin Topa died in the early 2000s. I'm just happy that he's... Even if he's thieving, I'm still happy he's alive. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were in what we like to call the outside world, looking at our weekly correspondence. What else is kicking around? I'll tell you who we've heard from are international readers.

And I love hearing from them. The best use of the word international, by the way, I ever saw was on a fax, which was back in the day when I was training at the Sunday Times. And I saw the fashion director received a fax from I believe it was Giorgio Armani saying, thank you so much. You really are one of my closest, comma, international friends. Wow, that's lovely. Giorgio. Dana International, of course, is a great use. So this is from our...

A documentary the other night that referred to someone as one of colour TV's best loved personalities. Oh, that's good. And colour TV's not something I really think of anymore. Obviously, it is colour TV, but it doesn't seem like you have to make that's good. And colour TV is not something I really think of anymore. Obviously, it is colour TV, but it doesn't seem like you have to make that point anymore. Do you know what I mean? Anyway.

Well, do you know what I watched as well? I watched a documentary about Bob Ross. Me too. Did you watch that? Yes. It's a terrible documentary. Yeah, not a great documentary. But good to see

good to see that Bob Ross is someone we talk about occasionally on he does a show called The Love of Painting Joy of Painting and he has a very very set technique to me it looks every picture

he just does the same picture every week for 300 shows but it gets worse turns out that he saw a bloke doing a tv show on public tv as they call it over there um and um he was using this method so bob ross used that method I mean he worked for the guy and was like, became his second in command so it's not even Bob Ross's method I'm surprised that this is what you thought of as the big reveal of Bob Ross's

I felt like the fact that his hair was permed that was a shocker was that was a shocker did they was that revealed yeah they said that he was a straight-haired man who permed his hair so he didn't have to cut it so often because fonds were very low now that does not sound like a believable excuse to me you know remember kevin keegan at least had the gall to just say, no, I think it looks great. So, yeah, I

thought Bob was disingenuous in the extreme. What was Martin Shaw's excuse? Actually, his was au naturel, I think, wasn't it? Martin Shaw. And Gambit as well, I think his was natural. Okay. You know Gambit from the New Avengers?

Yes, I know. Gareth Hunt. Okay, anyway. Shall we go back to our international friends? Yes. You were, you had, you asked me the question, does Flying Ant Day happen on the continent? Joe Keating says, flying ants witnessed here in japan today i thought you'd like to know sophie williams frank was asking if there's flying out day on the continent

we certainly have it here in greece ah and japan as well yeah and france that is uh the reason i asked about france is because uhotillard, when I explained it to her, denied all knowledge of flying out there. But even I didn't think they did it in Japan. That's fantastic. Well, we have got someone living in France who said, this is Laurieori witton and uh she says living in france yes we have flying out days they generally foresee a big storm can i say i'm a bit disappointed she didn't say we yeah so um i usually i around this time I ask you guys what's in the news. I know it's a risk nowadays because there's so much awfulness,

but there's usually a bit of jollity out there. Well, there is. There's still some. There's a story this week that two children in a Shanghai museum of glass. Oh, yes. They knocked over a Disney castle that was a blown glass sculpture worth over £50,000. Oh. The sculpture has taken the artist 500 hours to complete. Half a million glass loops in it.

Spires made of 24 karat gold sounds terrible it does sound horrible sounds like probably a thing that is better smashed it sounds like an accident waiting to happen but apparently they were playing tig or chase or something and ran through a barrier and knocked it over i mean I think it should have been in the news, just as partly a PR on behalf of children who are often accused of not running and not moving around anymore, you know, with the childhood obesity.

Yeah, well, I think a PR for TAG as well, which I thought was on the way out. Still popular, it turns out, in the Far East. Probably not bad for China to be in the press in a positive way as well. Yes, you think tagging China has gone off the boil a bit in recent years. I suppose it gives you a bit more purpose

in your running away. I mean, when you... Can you imagine them telling that story trying to get sympathy the parents and they begin it saying well i mean the kids they were just playing chase in the shanghai museum of glass i mean come on what were you honestly expecting yeah it's quite close to a modern version of bull in china shop isn't? Playing children in modern museum of glass. Yes. Well, it's a good job.

I mean, if they'd been throwing stones, there would have been no possible proverbial comeback because they'd been warned by that. I'll tell you what the parents did say, which I thought was rash indeed. What I would not say if my child ran into a £50,000 glass castle is we'll pay for any damages, is what they said, which is insanity.

I would have said my child could have been killed by that badly secured glass castle. Oh, man, Can you imagine? I mean, what's it got? So they said if it's got to be mended, we'll pay for it. That's the stupidest thing anyone's ever said. Yeah. I mean, I hope they've got a side hustle because that's going to take a while to pay off that one.

Well, they must be filthy rich people. If they haven't got that many money, are they just going to end up like washing the dishes in the kitchen like old school that's good whatever happened to watching the washing the exhibits with winderly frank you know what i ate glass as well really extraordinary glass i don't mind windows but you know we did a thing about working glass ornaments a few weeks back I always think you know those glass fish that have got like a bit of squiggly paint in them

in the glass, did you remember those? They would stand on their fins, ugly and they used to be like glass clowns that people used to have. Really the most horrible stuff. And I'll tell you something.

I went to Elton John's villa in Nice and he'd got loads of it. Like unironically. I didn't say, I didn't say, I didn't say. Not till now on the radio. No, no. Well, you know what? That's why you're tilt-handing. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, which is more than I can say for the Disney castle in the Shanghai. Have you ever been to the Disney castle at Disneyland Paris? We should say there are two castles for avoidance of doubt. This was based on the Cinderella castle, which is the one in Disney World. The OG is the Sleeping Beauty castle in California. Well, the one in Paris, I went into this fantastic Disney castle like you get on all the films and stuff. And it's mainly offices. It's a shop, of course. In the bottom there's a dragon cave. But generally speaking, it's an enormous disappointment. As much as I loved Disneyland

Paris, I'm saying that as if i'm going to get any freebies from there but i tell you something the first time i went to disneyland paris they gave me a guide for the day who took us to the front of every queue and you could we could just go on the rides over and over again it was brilliant free tickets i mean it was just joyous the next time no guide but still free tickets. I mean, it was just joyous. The next time, no guide, but still free tickets. The next time, a bit less. Last time, I think I got a free balloon for the Tarzan, the Tarzan cartoon.

It's been a downward slope for me and Disneyland Paris, I'll be straight with you. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about the Disney Castle and its collapse at the Shanghai Museum. Is it true?

This could be an urban myth, but there was a story oft told that a woman and a child, I think the child had been ill or something at Disneyland in Florida, whatever that Disney place is called. And so they took them into a little staff thing so the child could sit down

and have a drink of water and whatnot. And the child saw the Mickey Mouse character taking its head off. And the child was so traumatized by this. Because I should say, if there's any children listening, there's the real Mickey Mouse and then there's one or two impressionists. And the child saw the head coming off and then there's some there's one or two impressionists and the child saw the head coming off and was traumatized and the mother ended up taking Disney to I think got an out-of-court settlement for many many thousands of dollars have you heard that or is that is it I have heard something similar because they're so strict aren't they but I think I believe there's

a line painted at which point the characters, the actors are allowed to take the heads off and not before that line. But there used to be another. Do you remember the stuff that no of the male staff could have moustaches, beards or sideburns? Because it was felt that it wasn't sort of child friendly enough. Is that right? Wait till you know I think they also I imagine there were some concerns in France with the possibility of characters being seen you know goofy

with a jitter hand yeah because um, not easy to smoke if you're goofy, I wouldn't have thought. It all seems such a long way away from your head, all the action that's happening. It would be an ironic death, wouldn't it, for children to be killed by a falling Disney castle. It seems like the wrongest death you could have. There is one of my favourite,

I love a piece of, you know, really hardcore irony when you think, oh, I can't believe that. For many years, people were always saying that Walt Disney was cryogenically preserved. Yeah. You know, he was in a fridge somewhere. You must have heard this. Well, I'd say he's in the cryogenically preserved. Yeah. He was in a fridge somewhere. You must have heard this.

Well, I'd say he's in the cryogenics chair, to be honest. I'd agree with that. I think when people talk about cryogenics, they talk about Walt Disney. Sometimes people say it's just his head that's been... That's right. If anyone isn't aware of this, the idea is that people are frozen

and when a cure is found for whatever they had or some sort of eternal life elixir, they can bring them back, take them out of the fridge and bring them back to life. It's a complete myth. And the irony is he was cremated. Oh, really? Walt Disney.

And the irony for me is ashes of course is what you put on ice to stop them from being, to stop it from being slippery. So it's the most ironic confusion that you could have. What's your favorite piece of hardcore irony? Yeah. It's got to be Clint Eastwood allergic to horses. It's got to be up there. He isn't. He is. You just keep coming out with these big ironies.

Look, we'll come back to this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Don't text us. We are not live, unfortunately, but soon we will be. But don't text us today. You can, however, follow us on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the radio, or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. We were talking,

I was slightly rudely interrupted, not by you guys, but by a sudden gust of wind in the north room where I'm working has led to my life-size cardboard dalek crumbling and sort of slightly crashing into my bedside lamp I've actually taken a photo of it and I'll put that up so you can see what a horror it is to see a Dalek fall like that. Good work keeping it relatable with your house that's so big. You have to have north, south, east and west. Well, I work in the top room, but as you know, I recently did a poetry podcast and there is a poem by

William Carlos Williams where he talks about being in the North room and ever since then I've referred to this I don't even know if he means the top bit but he might just be like literally the room that's at the you know at the North but anyway that's why I call it now. The room where it happens. Also, Al, I believe the sentence what a horror it is to see a Dalek fall also works

without the word fall. Well, it is. That's because they're the most terrifying villains in the cosmos. So spooky. Letters. They are not. Figured.

Can I say on the subject of poetry that Emily Dean earlier told me, I've written a book about how to enjoy poetry and Emily Dean told me when it was coming out. Yes. I was cruising online, as I tend to, and I suddenly saw a press announcement saying Frank Skinner to release poetry book who knew it's not can I say it's not it's

about poetry I haven't written any poetry can I reassure you I thought you might tree up yeah have you got poetry news updates i downloaded that and never got any so i got the 69p back from itunes one of your greatest and simultaneously lowest points it was that's ages ago as well please i'm very excited oh do you, Frank? Now you've got the poetry book out, you're going to get invites from people like Will Gompertz. Do you think so? Yeah. You'll be in the arts club now.

Do you know Will Gompertz? No, he should put a bit of cream on it. It doesn't quite work that, but still, it was near enough. Works enough. You get an A for effort. I was talking about hardcore irony this is not off the back of me writing a poetry book but um but uh i think the most hardcore do you know what i mean by hardcore irony when something you think oh i can't believe that like clint eastwood is one along with john John Wayne I would say one of the

great western stars of all time is allergic to horses yeah I think that's pretty ironic that's a group of irony yeah and the other one which I think is obviously with all due respect to his family and all that the man who bought

the Segway company you know this he went on a segway went over a cliff and that was how he lost his life so that is i mean it's tragic but you cannot deny there is an irony to that um i must have told you but i want to tell you again i was once driving over um lambeth bridge in london and I saw a man coming in the other direction a man with like a suit and tie on on a Segway and I thought oh big A do you have to be to be doing that and when he got close it was Lemby Opik and that's how big you have to answer the question of course he'll be uh i was gonna say i'll be laughing on the other side of his face but that's not quite right but he will be um celebrating

this week because he has predicted that an asteroid is going to hit the earth for years he's been saying that and now it might well be as i was explaining earlier that one smashed into birmingham yesterday um okay if i remember the details right let's hope that didn't happen because um i've got property there yeah of course you do be awful frank skimmer absolute radio we were talking about the uh the disney castle and it's um the glass version of it that got smashed this week i am do you remember when i told you um i remember emily had a particularly strong response to this. When I grew up in the black country, we used to be lots of men who drove motorbikes and mopeds and stuff and they didn't bother taking off their crash helmets.

So they would just go into shops and stuff, stealing their crash helmets and order and get a newspaper and have a chat and then leave an absolute commonplace yeah and i recently on the disney subject i um i got disney plus yeah i paid for it i paid for it did you yeah i'm in shock to hear that and i got it in order to watch The Mandalorian, which is the new sort of Star Wars based series. And in it, it's about a man who never removes his helmet. It really took me back to those days of my youth when those blokes wandered about in their crash helmet. Just couldn't be bothered to carry a crash helmet.

Easiest place to carry it, on your head. What I like, I like the idea of a man breaking up with you whilst not even bothering to remove the crash helmet. It's not good news, he's not gonna make it I'm afraid. There has been've I've dumped people when I'd wished I'd had a crash I'll tell you something I ought to do that my next book is things I used to see a lot but I don't since I moved to London and one thing when I lived again when I lived in the black country, something I never see now, is I used to see lots of blokes walking around with a queue case.

Oh, yeah. And, I mean, do you see that in Manchester, Al? I don't see it in Manchester, but I really associate it with Scotland. Whenever I go to Scotland, I see somebody carrying a queue case. It was just, it was the only luggage I ever really saw saw men with was that was a nice neat cue case where people thought they used to moan about the cues in snooker halls you know they weren't good enough and etc etc. I think Steve Davis lost a cue and was then so attached to the replacement that he would go to hotels with it at breakfast and stuff. A friend who was into snooker told me that he was very attached to his cue.

Well, what I would like to do is to get a cue case and then all my work, any writing I do, I'd start working more on scrolls than notebooks. Oh yeah. And then I could carry that and the pens and stuff in a lovely cue case. That'd be good. And maybe I could have my own chopsticks. Write a new show on till ribbon, you know that?

Oh yeah. That would be great, wouldn't it? It could be called Till Ribbon, you know, on tour or something like that. Oh, Till Ribbon. It would be a great surname for a character in an Oscar Wilde short story. Josiah Till Ribbon. Anyway. Frank, you're talking about writing. I would like to give our

readers details of the book because you were a bit... I wish I had them. You know more than I do. I have them. You're a bit mysterious about it and that's no way to be, can I tell you. The book is out on the 10th of September. Good and you could it is called Frank do you know the name of the book I believe it's called um how to enjoy poetry is that right correct as part of the little ways to live a big life series you can pre-order it now thank you so much for that um can we say Emily Dean's um bookies are still available in all good bookshops Al, anything you want to plug? I've not even written a

memo not even on till ribbon on that subject of children breaking an expensive museum exhibit, which obviously would normally be a terrible thing, but for some reason when it's a glass version of the Disney castle doesn't seem to matter. I don't know if this is not a lovely story, but as a child, I think think i mean i was four i think i was four and um the the little girl next door was standing on what we used to call the

palings which was like a it wasn't we didn't live near the michael palings family it's like a fence is that used that the council used to put up when i was a kid and they were like um sticks joined together by wire you know if you know what palings are and this little girl was standing she was probably my age as well and she was i don't mean my age now i mean my age then she was standing on the fence and i said you know get off our fence and and she wouldn't She was probably my age as well. I don't mean my age now, I mean my age then. She was standing on the fence and I said, you know, get off our fence. And she wouldn't. And I told her several times and I was losing my temper. And in the end, I picked up a very big brick and threw it at her.

And it split her head open. She fell on the floor covered in blood and cried. And I cried. And it was an incident, you know, and it was a terrible thing. Yeah, not nice. It is not nice. And I've often thought that could have been, if that had gone the wrong way,

that could have had a negative view on my career. You don't get many junior murderers. Oh, I like that you've instantly gone career rather than morality. It's something that I look back on. Obviously, I wouldn't want to have killed the child either. But do you know what I mean? The junior murderer, I can't think of any junior murderers who've done well in light entertainment.

Yeah, maybe, yes. No, you're right. There's something about murdering. There's no appreciation of the prodigy aspect in murdering. There's something like... There's no sort of Mozart of murder. No. Virtuoso.

No, exactly. There's some, I've got to be honest, that I believe would be capable of murder. I think we all know who they are. Children like entertainment. Entertainment. Entertainment industry. Oh, you mean as children. Yeah, but the thing is, as a kid, I would still now have felt responsible for that,

even though it was something I did when I was four in a temper. It would still have been me. There's no getting around it. I mean, thank God it turned out to be just a flesh wound in the end. She never really forgave me. I think that's true to say. Fair enough. But, you know, so the Disney castle pales into comparison for me

than the neighbour's kid. I also had a... Can I just say, when I got got older this is a slightly different story do you remember the baby burko i don't mean the uh the younger former speaker of the house a baby burko was like a mini washing machine that people just did nappies in in the days when people used to wash nappies oh was it like i remember the baby belling the little the little stove we'd have the mini stove at school similar thing maybe there was baby all the appliance all the white goods maybe came in baby versions and then just a beer fridge yeah you know the small

like men behaving badly for just people in their living room oh that's my deal breaker if i walk into a man's house there's a beer fridge out. Do you know the ones in dressing rooms with the glass door, that see-through door? Yeah. Is it like one of those? Yeah. So anyway, there was one of those and on top of it was a piece of art that someone had done at school and it was a phoenix made from scrap metal. Sounds good. school and it was a phoenix made from scrap metal and i leaned on the thing and the phoenix uh my

elbow at the baby burko the phoenix fell off and the the point of its wing went into my forehead ouch and i bled quite a lot and for months after i looked like i was the victim of a reckless von Toos procedure um so again for me worse than the Disney castle getting broken Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio We were talking earlier about the irony of the fact that Clint Eastwood, the great cowboy, is allergic to horses in reality. And I've just remembered another, that'd be a good text in, wouldn't it? Favourite Clint Eastwood facts. What do you think? Yeah.

Okay. I remember he got sacked once from a movie i remember reading this because um the director said his adam's apple was too big that is a uh and i think burt reynolds was sacked by the same director and said to clint eastwood he sacked me because he said I couldn't act. He said, but I can learn to act. You can do nothing about your Adam's apple. At least he's got hair, Burt. Yeah, this director had some very tight terms and conditions of employment, didn't he?

Do you know how old Clint Eastwood is? 90. He was 90 in, I think, May. Oh, was he? Wow. Well, that's a good guess. Yeah. Frank, we've been talking about breakages,

and I've just remembered, didn't you have a nativity scene breakage, or am I imagining that? Oh, yeah, I i remember this it wasn't actually what happened was that i was head shepherd in the school um nativity uh play and we were supposed to i had to lead the shepherd so that we could kneel um around the baby jesus that's what we were told to do so um i went in and someone had forgot to put the plastic doll who represented the baby Jesus in the actual manger. And he was in a crisp box at the back of the stage.

So I went and knelt at the crisp box following that word. And the headmistress, who I shouldn't name, was so furious. She picked me up by my ankle and sort of swung me around. Yes. And there are other details to this story, which I can't really go into. Well, that's one of my favourite, I love that story, but I was actually referring to a moment with Buzz, where I believe he'd gone into a church.

Oh, sorry, yes. And I think buzz might have broken something yes buzz broke a head off one of the he he was a small and he pushed one of the shepherds and it fell over and its head snapped off so we went knocked on the door of the vicarage and no answer and so i went to the where is he when you need him exactly you know it's a busy time for them at christmas yeah and uh it's good for you to stick up for the church say the church and um i went to the local paper shop got super glue went back into the church and um stock his head back on and in fact every year this was in Cheltenham every year we go back and have a look at that

um shepherd and although I did a pretty good job there's still a bit of a um Bride of Frankenstein scar on the neck where the head was put on that's where the light gets in yeah so do you think the parents should have done similarly i do well i imagine if the disneyland uh castle goes over though it's a big loud and also you don't get it wouldn't be that there was no one in the Shanghai Glass Museum and they went knocked on the door of the glass

ridge and there was no answer. You can't imagine it happening and the dad going nothing to see here and just throwing his hands to each side of himself. No and the dad going to the gift shop for super glue. It's a different context

altogether. So as we near the end of the show, have we got AOB? We have. Armitage has got in touch regarding in at the deep end moments in his in life he has straight to solids as a child straight to solids do you know what? I like the lack of detail. That's what I love about it, the purity of that.

I wonder if they're talking about a pool game, because I knew blokes that used to call the spots, they used to call them solids. Oh, yeah. Could he have meant that? No. I like the idea that he went from being a baby drinking milk to sitting at a table with cutlery, but with no ramp at all.

He wouldn't have drunk milk, would he? He'd have gone straight to solids. That's the point. Amazing. James has also got in touch and said first journey after passing his driving test for the seventh time was from Aberdeenshire to West Yorkshire. Wow. Very first drive. My very first unaccompanied drive, I went on Spaghetti Junction. Oh, that's big. Which is...

In at the deep end. But she had promised. God's sake. You've also asked about people's favorite sort of ironies with the example of clint eastwood being allergic to horses exactly and we've had a couple of responses to that rob doolan only one of the beach boys knew how to surf oh yeah dennis wilson i think it's the only one who surfed also. Also, love a pop star named Dennis. Doesn't happen often these days.

Dominic Jones is very route one, but the drummer from ZZ Top is named Frank Beard, despite boys. Can you finish that? Being the only one in ZZ Top without a beard. Correct. It is, yeah, it's a fabulous fact, though. Yeah.

Do you think there was any deliberateness in that? Did he think that he'd already, he'd brought enough beard to the table as it were, with his name? His beard work was done. Yeah, I hope that was, I hope that was the case. And finally, we've got Neil Shepperton who says, the Melton Mowbray pork pie ambassador

is a vegetarian, he's revealed. No. Clint Eastwood, this is another in my list of Clint Eastwood facts, is vegan. He's not. That doesn't seem right, does it? Well, can I tell you what else doesn't seem right? Lady Gaga of meat dress fame

bringing out a vegan beauty range oh yeah i think maybe she did that meat dress she just had an enormous bruise and she was operating on the black eye theory i don't know if people ever really put steak on a black eye have you ever put steak on a black eye and that is email us about that i think it might be a it might be up there with mickey mouse's head so to speak which um yes i um so look, we moved to the end of the show now, and we believe, God willing, that next week we will be back in the studio and live, which will be fantastic. I'm very excited about that.

There may be masks, but, you know, so what? Sarah Champion is up next. Do listen to her. And we were just pontificating as to whether when she got together with her family at Christmas, they sang We Are the Champions. If they don't, then they have let me down enormously. Anyway, thanks for listening.

If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Stay frosty. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We'll be back again this time next week. Stay frosty.