The Frank Skinner Show - Tommy Lee

Episode Date: February 20, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Remember her? You can text our show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Funny old studio we're in this morning. Yeah, we're in a different studio i've got a slight echo echoing me possibly not in people's radios no but i i'm enjoying it it's got an element of uh citizens of cheltenham return to your homes estate agents would call it bijou in here yeah i it's cozy i i like it um we uh

we have um now some of you regulars will remember that charlie used to be the assistant producer she's back today as the producer for today having having had a brief sojourn which i think is continuing on christian o O'Connell's show, the unfortunate thing is that one thing I really don't like about Charlie is that she's discreet. Right. I thought she was going to come with loads of gossip at the breakfast show. She has been shtum. Oh, she has with you. Ha ha ha!

So it's like that, is it? One of your impressions of no one? Yes. I find you can't go wrong with an impression of no one, because people always think, well not you, because I've let you in on my secret, but people think, oh that's probably someone I should know, so they laugh laugh approvingly try it at home what about this one oh yeah i don't bet you did that again i mean just like him i know him yeah there might be someone anyone listening who's got that exact voice texting and uh i'll i'll i'll put a name to it next time I do it. The trouble is with them, they're so spontaneous,

you can't always get them back again. Yeah. Well, that's it. They're like night terrors. You know these people that see horrible faces before they go to sleep? It's like I get night impressions. Anyway. So I've been there. I've had an interesting sojourn myself.

Oh, yeah, have you? Yes. Is that half broken? Um, no, I, um, I went up to Leeds. Leeds. Leeds. Leeds and Leeds and Leeds and Leeds. I went up there.

Another impression there. And, uh, yeah, that was, that was quite a good impression. How was Leeds? It was lovely, actually. I quite, I quite, uh, I got off, I couldn't I couldn't find my taxi when I got off. That's unlike you, with your immaculate sense of direction. I know, I've had a lot of taxi trouble this week. Jay-Z's follow-up.

I started walking around Leeds at like half eight, nine o'clock at night, and a man shouted a class A swear word at me about eight times from about six feet away. Oh dear. But I don't think it was anything personal. I think he was troubled. Oh, right. That's quite close.

I mean, you don't want that from a passing van, but, you know. I know, I was drunk for 25 minutes just from that distance no but that was a terrible um welcome but it all turned out well i was i was i was um i was filming a drama you see of course you will do you see it was a drama well the great thing about it is it's called national treasure oh so when i found uh when I was picked up the next morning, the bloke pulled up in his car, wound down his window and said, National Treasure? And I said, well, now you've come to mention it.

Which I got great pleasure from. You must have been so happy at that moment. Oh, it just doesn't get any better. Well, it does get better, obviously. That's not as good as life can get. But I was pleased with it. I was pleased with the neatness. Was it a local a local taxi i love a local taxi um it was yes there are people that just drive for film companies that's what they do okay and um thanks for telling me about the film

industry all right i first left tenants woman um oh no i didn't get that no you didn't get that i didn't like to bring that up in front of Emily. Oh, you are Emily. Yeah, so it was... So I was playing me. I won't go into too many details, because obviously, I mean, there are certain secrets one wants to keep before the show comes out. But I was playing me, which is an interesting challenge.

Not as easy as it sounds. Really? Yeah. You sound surprised. Yeah, I would have thought you'd be good at that i mean well i don't know it's difficult as i was getting as i was getting dressed as me um usually well thereby hangs a tale i mean what wardrobe do they select for you oh well i i they asked me to bring my own stuff right Right. A bit cheap.

Well, one liked to mock in. The boot's on the other foot now, isn't it? Finally, Frank's providing clothes to television programmes, rather than the other way around. I know the boot was very much on the usual foot. No, it's quite a good idea if you're playing you. Because I was going to take my ring off before I went in. I thought they won't want this. And then I thought, actually,

she's a fabulous attention to detail. Yeah. No, I thought I just said it might be 90s you with the oversized, with the sort of replica shirt and the jean. No, no, it's Corrin. It wasn't an England shirt with a clip-on beer belly. No, it was, you know, it was the usual sort of dialogue. You know, morning, Mrs Framlingdon, lovely dog.

Hey. Oh, Mr Skinner, I haven Framlingdon, lovely dog. Oh, Mr. Skinner, I haven't seen your wife for a while. No, well, um, um, um, she's staying with her sister. Yeah. You know when people murder someone in a drama? Yeah, you spoiled it. They're always staying with their sister. Yeah. But they don't say, as we would in real life. sister yeah but they don't say as we would in real life oh no she's at the sisters at the moment they say um well um no what happened just oh yes you see what happened is they did like that and uh those weren't my lines but they could have been well you can't tell us your line no i can't i can't remember them nor could i on the day i mean so, so many words. Did you dry, dear? No, I was all right, actually.

I don't really want to get out of this bit on that. Have you got anything more interesting? We've got to the advert, other than the adverts. We could just crack on, couldn't we? What about when you set the fire alarm off this morning? That was awful. Oh, yeah. Why did you do that?

That's because Sarah said, I'm going to open this door. I've never opened this door before. I said, this is where the alarm goes off. She opened the door and the alarm went off. Slight rewriting of history there. For one second I felt how good it must be to be Derren Brown.

There you go, that'll do it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, you may know I was doing a series of stand-up shows, if I can call them that. Improv? Oh, yeah. Yes, just completely made up.

No, I meant, did it improv? It didn't really improv. It was actually quite a lovely week doing it. Did you? Great. This was the last, not the week just gone, the week before. Yeah. Tuesday night was a bit flat, but it was Pancake Day. Now, come on.

I don't think that's good. That's what worries me. I like it. Is that the sort of stuff you were doing? I've heard very good reports. There wasn't anything of that standard. Sounds a bit prepped, doesn't it? That would have been the moment, yeah, exactly. That would have been the moment when I soared like a mighty comedy eagle.

Mm-hm. Yes. So was it just all made up? You just went on and went, here we go? Yes, it was. I'm assuming you didn't start with an opening line, here we go. There he is. I don't really remember.

There he goes. It was... I did one... I did... One of the gigs was Ash Wednesday. And I'd only had a sandwich, one sandwich, two rounds of bread, as they say.

Are you meant to starve yourself on Ash Wednesday? Yes. You fast. Oh, yeah. Oh. I must tell the girls at InStyle. Yes. Well, I... Welcome to see you sometime. It, I must tell the girls at InStyle. Yes. Welcome, see you sometime.

It was a very good gig, so I can see now why InStyle is such a fine magazine. Starvation, it takes you to a new place. Right. It does, though. Yeah, it's called the front row. Yeah. Okay. I got, yeah, I thought it was, it was you know you're about like um saints and

that starved themselves and they have visions and all that i thought it was quite a good place to be i'm not by the way if anyone's listening so young people no we're not encouraging i mean i felt a little bit like i was strung out and i don to feel that. No, but we're talking about responsible fasting for brief periods. Yes, exactly. Thank you. Responsible fasting, that's the policy of this show. That's it. I've never got that email.

No, no. So did it give you the taste for it then? Fasting? No, doing these improvised shows. Well, it was interesting. Do you think you'd like to do it again? I don't know that I can resist doing it again. I feel a bit like I have nibbled at something which is quite compulsive.

I don't know if you've ever done that. Like dark chocolate? Dark chocolate I can take or leave, I'll be straight with you. Is that right i don't think there's a person on the planet who honestly if you if they took a truth serum prefers it to milk chocolate i think people say they prefer it to milk chocolate because it makes them sound a bit more mysterious and intellectual no it's better it's not better oh see how i really think people go to the think it through to those levels.

They don't think it through. The thought of people who thought it through, they'd admit it was milk chocolate. Alan's saying it because he's still sulking about saying Descartes. That was about three years ago. And he thinks I can pull this back now if I pretend I prefer dark chocolate. Nobody prefers dark chocolate. I think I do.

You think you do already, I'm breaking you down. I don't prefer dark chocolate. Nobody prefers dark chocolate. I think I do. Well, I don't prefer dark... You think you do already. I'm breaking you down. I don't prefer dark or milk. I like sherbet-based... Sherbet-based chocolate? No, just sherbet-based food. No, but let's stick to chocolate. Stop broadening it.

No, let's not. We've gone from fasting to sherbet. That's a good point. Yeah. Stop broadening it. You'd be no good at End of the Pier, would you? So, I tell you what, though, it's interesting to me. There was a man called Russell in the audience.

Which one? It wasn't one of the famous Russells. There are so many of them now. Brandt Howard Kane. Those estate agents. Yeah, and he kept a spreadsheet of films that he watched. So he wrote down the name of the film when he saw it.

And I think at what cinema. It's just cinema films. And he had a database of 1,700 films. With him? Not... At your show? Well, he might have had them on his smartphone. It wasn't such a bad night, I was going to read those out.

If he'd printed them out, then that would have been nominative determinism, wouldn't it? Russell. Oh. Excellent. He's got a printout of 1700 bits of... He also had three cattle with various brands. Russell brands.

Anyway, so... Yeah, and it made me think that when I fill in my journal, every one thing I always put in is the time I wake up that morning. Is that right? So I know what time I woke up, April the 13th, 2004. Now, why would I possibly need to know that? And what I wondered, if any of our readers have got anything, unusual records that they keep, anything they keep a log of, or any kind of ledger.

You with me? Not, obviously, Heath Ledger. But you know what I mean. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Heath Ledger. But you know what I mean. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Sorry, we had the texting saying we sound like we're in a toilet.

Mm-hmm. That was from, was it George Michael from North London? So, um... Oh, I love George. Me too. Board game Haver. But I wouldn't want him as my chauffeur. No, but he'd be a nice GBA.

Yeah, he would. Yeah, that's true. Board game Haver says, in response to your question, Frank, have people ever logged anything in the same way that you log your sleeping patterns? A bit odd. I've logged every board game played

and the scores for the past nine years. Wow. See, I love all that. What I want to know is, what's he called? Nigel Havers? No. Boardgame Haver.

Do you think it's Boardgame Haver? Who knows? It could be. It could be a Boardgame Haver. I'm not sure about it as a now and haver. But I'm all right with it. I wonder if... Board game haver.

We don't know if they're male or female. He's male. OK. Let's call him BGH. OK. If BGH ever sits back and thinks, I'll have a look back, say, seven years back and see how the game's up, how that went. Yeah. Now, what worried me about have a look back, say, seven years, Matt, and see how that went.

Yeah. Now, what worried me about Russell, the film vlog man, is that he kept no record of whether he liked them or any view, not even a sentence on the film, just the recording of what he'd seen and where. Oh, that's a shame. I don't understand why. Also, I think there's a fair amount of lying about what films.

Do you ever do that? When you say you've liked certain films or when you say you've seen them Have you ever seen blah blah blah sometimes I'll say that I have Oh I lied about Blade Runner for about 15 years You wouldn't want that with him though would you because you say to him

have you ever seen 101 Dalmatians and he says hang on let me check and he's there for 3 hours looking through his, you know... You see, this is when it comes in useful, being Michael Owen. You've only got the eight. That's true. Is it five? No, it's eight, I believe, and one of them is Seabiscuit.

God, it hasn't come in useful, being Michael Owen, for ages. Now you've been reminded. Unless you're a fan of the little short pens. John Barton says, I keep a note of all my baths and showers in my diary. That is good. I like him. That is good. Excellent. One would guess, you see, that that would be a daily

occurrence, but maybe not. A little insight into his cleanliness habits there. But maybe he has more than one a day. 064 has texted, my friend Roger kept a book from the age of 18 to 41 which documented every Sunday league football game he'd played in, recorded a running tally of goals he scored

and detailed descriptions of each one of them from Kirsten Cannock. Do you think there's something very admirable about it? Yeah. I mean, I bet that started in a sort of a spirit of getting better. Like, oh, if I write it down, I'll be able to work on it. And then by the end, it's just a habit. There was a well-known footballer who did it. God, what was his name?

Played up front for West Ham. Dean Ashton. No. This is good radio. It is, isn't it? Good guess. On Talk Sport, this would be gold. Absolute gold.

But, yeah, and he kept clippings and descriptions of each goal. Bill Wyman was another bloke. He didn't play up front for West Ham. Danny Baker, you see, he would know the answer to that, wouldn't he? Yes, he would. Well, he wouldn't, not from my clue. Proud up front for West Ham.

I even guessed at the wrong team as well. Aston Villa on it. But, what was I... Oh, yeah, Bill Wyman kept a record of every Stones gig, kept ticket stubs, stuff like that. I'm loving it. I'm absolutely loving it. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. No!

I used to go into an Irish pub where the manager, whenever you walked through the doors, would go, No! We've had... Oh, sorry, OK, move on. A message in... Message? From Plastico Gonzalez.

Oh, Plastico. Do you remember last week... Of course I remember. ...he got in touch? I can't remember why. No, me neither. Anyway, what was he commenting? Will you both stop looking at the television?

I'm going to have to turn it off. Alan, all you're doing is staring at the TV. I'm not looking at the television, I was looking at you. Okay, good. I've just got a wonky eye. You sound like an abusive boyfriend. Plastico Gonzalez has said, email corner sounds sublime, one thing it's plastico not

plastico hashtag desk arts oh i see i prefer plastico me as well plastico sounds a bit well i'm gonna call him plastico people say plastic. I'm going to call him Plasto. Isn't that an area of London? That is, yeah. OK. See, Plastica. Also, if it's a made-up name, don't we all own our own version of it? Yeah.

You know, it's like when you see a great painting, my interpretation is worth as much as that of the artist. Next. So, it was Valentine's Day last week. Can I mention that? This is my belly, if any of you want to know what it sounds like. Why are you asking about Valentine's Day mentions? Is that a thing?

Well, I saw... You've been hypnotised. Over at yours, you had a balloon left over from Valentine's Day. I noted. We went out for a meal and we went to a local restaurant. Corrie House. It was at Corrie House. It was a Curry House. Did you hear my tummy rumble as we mentioned food?

Congratulations. Congratulations. As it's fashion week. We were just ready for an improvised gig. So we went and it was one of these places where the ladies were given a single red rose. Oh, lovely.

And also as we left the manager very kindly said would you like um some balloons for your for your little one i said well it might stop the circulation that's my worry um i didn't see that version of up i'm afraid nowadays it's the only version of off i have but anyway um i feel this has gone a bit late night i know but we don't do it often no no again that's because the helium it just doesn't last so i um i uh so so we we walked home with Kath holding a single red rose and two heart-shaped balloons.

Oh, lovely. One of those occasions I really wanted to be papped. And then I could be used by a lowbrow magazine. When I say lowbrow, I mean one that isn't published by Bauer, who own this station, God bless them. I published in a magazine in one of those competitions which was like,

what occasion was Frank Skinner texting blah, blah, blah. Your text will cost £9.50 and you'll win a My Little Pony. Yeah. One of those things. We were so Valentine's Day. We were so, what's that one

so money.com I can't remember what the other bit is I think it's money supermarket we were so that where would you interpret this me and my partner kath and I bought each other the same valentines card

oh did you that's a good sign though I think that is a great sign that suggests a we're on the same Valentine's card. No way. Oh, did you? Yeah. That's a good sign, though. I think that is a great sign. That suggests, A, we're on the same wavelength, and B, neither of us could be bothered to walk further than 50 yards to the shop. Oh, was it from the newsagents down the road? Never mind the same wavelength, you're on the same

street, that's what I'm thinking. I know. But, you see, I thought that was, I felt good that we'd chosen the same. I think that's lovely. Yes, it was. In many ways my wife and I got each other the same cards by not getting any cards. That's... Did you not get that?

Can I say that's less lovely? Yes. It is a bit less lovely. And we also... This is a bit odd. I always buy Kath a dozen red roses. Not that original. Oh, yeah.

This year, she also bought me a dozen red roses. Oh. Oh. Oh, quite camp. So we had 24 red roses, and then the single red rose from the... So we had 25 red roses. It looked like Cheryl Cole's lumbar region in our living room. And I thought that was a bit too much did you but anyway um i'll tell you about we bought each of the gifts as well which i think were um quite unusual

new cars no i'm just saying if you had a gastric system that was motorbike influenced... Anyway, adverts, I think. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. There is a reason that people stop presenting radio shows when they get to a certain age. Yes. Just when that song... Would you care to elaborate? There is a reason that people stop presenting radio shows when they get to a certain age. Yes. Just when that song... Would you care to elaborate?

That song was ending, I was going, where's my headphones gone? Where's my headphones? They were actually just round my neck where I always put them. Oh, dear. I believe I said, they're round your neck, darling. Oh, dear, dear, dear. Still, it's all right.

It'll all be over soon. We've had a text. I'm not sure if this has got even more profoundness after that escapade. Hi, Frank Lawskinner. Profundity. Profundity. Just wondering if you would ever go on Lip Sync Battle UK. And who would you battle against?

I think I lost my chair. Sorry. Now Emily's fallen off her chair. Can you two get it together? Let's put it on our radio show, guys. It's all right. You're holding... You're a chair. Can you two get it together? Let's put it on a radio show, guys. It's all right. You're holding, you're holding, you're a rock. Yes. Would you ever go on Lip Sync Battle UK?

That's what the question is. And who would you battle against? Well, I don't think you can. I don't think it's been given a new... Did it not get the nod? No, I don't think it's had the nod. What? It's not returning?

Oh, no. I'm not sure if it is. But anyway. Oh, don't say that. Oh, no. I'm not sure if it is, but anyway. Oh, don't say that. As you were. Has lip-sync synced? Apparently it paid very well. And they threw everything at it,

including even the kitchen lip-sync. Well, I actually was going to do it. I said I agreed to do the first series. But then what happened? You were in the car on the way there and you still had your headphones on from the house, didn't you? We couldn't make it work, dear. And I was given a choice, I think.

Well, he was doing his skits at the late night skits show. Oh, I see. I was given a choice of Kelly Osbourne or Dieter Von Teese. Right. Lucky man. You're a very lucky man, thanks, you know. But it didn't happen. Which would you have gone for out of interest?

Well, it was mainly about dates, dear. I mean, I suppose I've met Kelly Osbourne, so it would have been more exciting to meet Dita Von Teese. I hear travels in a small mobile champagne glass at all times. But I'd be happy to shout up to her. Maybe when she works with you, you have to hold the bottom steady, like when you're working with someone up a ladder. Yes.

But, yeah, so it didn't happen. But I'd like to have done it. I had my songs lined up and everything. 701 has texted us. We have a witness. Do you remember last week you talked about an embarrassing incident where you told someone to get a life? Yes.

Someone saw you do that. OK, we'll be back after this. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So, 701 witnessed the incident, he says, in Deal. Hello all, I witnessed Frank's get a life in Deal. Oh dear. This is when you shouted at a man to get a life. Well, this is a man, in case you weren't listening last week,

in order to get past his wife on a narrow walkway, I said, excuse me, and he said, please. And we debated that, and I suggested that he got a life, which I said I'd look back as a bit poorer. Rob says you did indeed say that, and just to identify himself and prove he was there, he says, I was the guy five minutes before who spoke to him about the podcast do you recall him um remember who okay yeah but i don't think he was in the vicinity to hear the uh was he of course he was he's tailing me he's

telling you he's a podcast listener so they're like aren't they they're uh i mean we love them but they're nerds and they would follow you if they met you in the street, of course. They do. I love that about them. Yeah, me too. I think we're increasing in popularity. Oh, dear. I had a gentleman approach me on the tube the other day.

What? I mean, please. And what again? You met a legend, it sounds like. Yeah. That takes guts to approach someone on the tube. Can I just say, don't come up to me, please, when I haven't got any make-up on.

OK? Don't shout, love the podcast, Emily, when I've got no make-up. That's not going to happen. No. He was a lovely young boy, and thank you very much, but no make-up.

Right. No talkies. How can they tell from a distance? By the time they've got close to you, they've committed. From a distance. Yeah. Extraordinary. That was such an old dad's thing to do.

What song was that? From a distance. By who? I can't remember. Bette Midler. Bette Midler, is it? Yeah. But there's a Four Tops one.

From a distance. No, there's From a distance. I can't believe this link has ended up like this. Four Tops one. From a distance. No, there's From a Distance. I can't believe this link has ended up like this. Four Tops. I blame myself. Maybe she covered the Four Tops. I'll tell you who would. I mean, she was quite a woman in her youth.

I'll tell you who would know. We've had a text here. My partner has recorded every book she has ever read for years and a friend's dad has a list of every song he's ever heard with a rating out of five. That can't... What? Every song he's ever heard? So he's now got to write from a distance.

I'm not helpful of a high one. He can't listen to the radio, because that would be torment. The admin. I mean, we put out as little music as we can get away with, but even so, even so, you don't have to have one of those cricket scoreboards. So were you four-topsing or Bette Midler-ing it? I don't know, I don't know.

From a distance, ooh! I thought it was that. Bette Midler? Well, she could have covered a four-top song, that's possible. Well, someone will know out there. That's the great thing about our crowd. They know everything. Thank you. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Jason Clog has texted in. Jason Clog? Yeah. OK. From a Distance was sung by Nancy Griffith, Bette Midler, and then by Sir Cliff. What, no Four Tops? No. I owned it by the Four Tops. I think I saw them do it live no i used to be a big

fan of the four tops well obviously not that big i told a lie in order to get well i i maintain i would put money on the fact that they did from a distance okay i uh i saw them at the belgrade theater in coventry and i was so desperate to get down and shake the hands of the likes of Abdul Fakir, who was one of their people, that I pretended to the usher that my girlfriend had dropped her purse over the edge. So we went down to get it,

and I went up and shook hands with the four tops. That's how keen I was. This was in my Tamler period. OK. OK. Is that another impression of Noah? Yeah. No, but he's got us on to the subject of music,

which I'm pleased about, because I would like to discuss the Grammys with you. Oh, yes. Both. Is that those old Russian women that was in the Eurovision Song Contest? Oh, I love them. What happened to them?

Well, I think we can guess what happened to them. Three dead, two in a gulag. Oh, no, that's the people on the jump. Oh, right. So, there was a lot of controversy with these Grammys. Mm-hm. Firstly, Sir Paul McCartney. Oh, yes.

I mean, did you see this, boys? He was turned away from Tiger with a wise post-Grammy party. Yeah. And he was told, no, you're not coming in. I watched, did you see the video? I watched the whole thing. It was him, there was Beck, there was the Foo Fighters drama, whatever. I watched the video twice.

Yes. I have to say, the Foo Fighters drama had less of an argument. Sir Paul McCartney, and he was a chancer. And Beck. And Beck, I mean. Although Sir Paul did say how VIP do we gotta get? That was a very good line.

I didn't like the grammar in that. I didn't, because he's... Well, his wife's American. Yeah, but he's not. These people can't help it. I thought he was being slight. Did Labyrinth get in? Labyrinth?

Yeah, you know Labyrinth. Yeah. I've recently discovered Labyrinth get in? Labyrinth? Yeah, you know Labyrinth. Yeah. I've recently discovered Labyrinth. It's quite a big site. It's completely passed me by. So I'm imagining he was in there. Well, to be honest, I would hope that there was Labyrinth in there. Because if I'm going in a nightclub that's got a tiger in it,

I'd want there to be... Yes. I can't believe he was trying that after what happened to Siegfried and Roy. I am a man who couldn't find his headphones on his head. I hadn't heard of Tiger. Have you not heard of Tiger? Is he a big star? Yes, and he goes out with Kylie Jenner.

Oh, does he? Oh, does he? Is that not the one that used to be Bruce? No, it's his daughter. Oh, okay. It's Kim Kardashian's sister, yeah. Oh, okay. I'm sure she's lovely.

They're a handsome family, if foolish. Okay. Did you know Tiger? We've got Ashton's sister, yeah. Oh, OK. I'm sure she's lovely. They're a handsome family, if foolish. OK. Did you know Tiger, Alan? I didn't, no. I wasn't aware of his... Charlie, did you know Tiger? His work. Charlie didn't.

But I love the fact that... If you go onto his website, is it... Ooh, that Tiger. Ooh, that Tiger. Ooh, that Tiger. Ooh, that Tiger. Ooh, that Tiger. Help me out of this. Ooh, that tiger, ooh, that tiger, ooh, that tiger. Help me out of this.

I haven't seen it. Ooh, that tiger, ooh, that tiger. Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, poke his little head round that door, someone was coming out, and you just saw a little slither of what life was like inside there, inside that hallowed VIP area. Oh, yeah. And the noise and the dreadful people.

And I just thought, I think you've dodged a bullet, Paul. I think I wouldn't want to be inside there. It looked like Hades. I don't think we should say that Paul McCartney has dodged a bullet. It looked like Hades. I don't think we should say that Paul McCartney has not dodged a bullet. It seems inappropriate. It's slightly... But you know what I mean, Frank.

It did, but... Don't you think it looks horrible? I can't think of many people who are more famous than Paul McCartney. No. As he says, what you gotta do. Yeah, he did... There was a slightly emboldening himself where he says, what you gotta do. Yeah, he did... There was a slightly emboldening himself,

where he went, oh, I think we're going to have to write another hit, guys. I don't think he should have committed to that at this stage. He might not be getting in anywhere for a while. Well, they did. They had that Blackbird one, didn't they? Oh, Blackbird singing in the dead end. That's been a while, that.

Best Beatles song ever. And they did that from a distance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did any of you notice his gum chewing? He was chewing his gum. Like he had a piece of gum in and all the way through the cliff he's like... Who was?

McCartney. That was right. That's the way I cope with rage. I just assumed that he was rehabbing a dislocated jaw. I don't know what else it could be. But it was fevered. Fevered gum chewing. Oh, let's have a look at that.

Yeah. I was once going to the... Before I did... Before I hosted the Brits, I went to the Brits a couple of times. And I went there. And I went to go to this exclusive sort of backstage party. And they wouldn't let me in. And Michael Hodgson came over and vouched for me.

Oh, well, we'd met him together, Frank. Yes, head to toe in velvet he was. Oh, he was collecting the lint. But I was... I remember walking past the bouncer when Michael Hodgson had come up. I just slightly clutched his upper arm and smiled. It was a lovely moment.

Well done. Oh, I'd been led in by the Lizard King. We've all been there. Yes. Turned away from... Oh, no, I haven't. No, you haven't. No, it has happened to me.

I've just styled it out. Yes. You've got to do it. I to me. I just styled it out. Yes. You've got to do it. I think Paul McCartney styled it out. I thought his approach... His approach. It wasn't a reproach. It was a...

Was that a Freudian? I don't know. But I liked him. Good night. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've had another text saying that I sound like I'm... In the bathroom. It says under the table, actually. Under the table. It's been a while. Sometimes it gives me hiccups. We've got a good text in for you. Oh, yeah?

The Four Tops did do a cover of From a Distance in 1981. There you go, darling. It's the sixth track on their album Tonight. Ah, yes. Oh, you've got that, have you? Yes. Really? Somewhere.

On vinyl, probably. It probably is on vinyl, yeah. But I was correct. Oh, and Army Tops. Don't worry about that. So the Grammys? Oh, the Grammys, yes. So first, sorry, Alan.

I was just going to say, is it common knowledge that Paul McCartney and Beck are mates? That was a bit of a snapshot. They might just have hooked up that night. What do you think? They met at the party. They might have met at the door. You think he was like,

oh, you're going to the party, Tiger. Yeah. Let's go. And Beck said, why, sure. Yeah, I'll be going with you sir paul actually sir paul what kind of a hell name is that it's my back out the way i've done my backing there was was another incident with Adele. Oh. Her sound went wrong. Yes.

The mics fell onto the piano strings. She had a nightmare, didn't she? She had a nightmare. Well, did the mics fall off? Oh, do you think they didn't? What do you think? Well, I mean, she's got a beautiful voice, Adele. She sounded terrible for about 20 seconds.

I thought maybe she just, you know, had a bit of a wobble. We all have them. I don't know what you mean. What have you heard? She said she regretted pushing through. Well, we've all regretted that. She wishes that she just stopped and said, no, I can't do this, it sounds wrong.

Like the thing you did once on The Voice. Who was the woman with the fringe on The Voice? Oh. You know, Jay. I think you might have to narrow it down. Jay, Jamie, Jay, Jay. Come on. Jessie J.

Jessie J. Oh, yeah. Thank you so much. And who is Gazza? And she started to do a live thing and she just stopped and said, no, the sound's wrong. Do you remember that live on television? Oh, sure.

She got some guts. Well, it was similar to when I saw Russell Grant's live show. Oh, yeah. And the feather boa got caught up in the coat stand. Oh, God, I thought you were going to say some sort of agricultural machinery and he was killed. of agricultural machinery and he was killed. I was going to say, I'm looking forward to seeing his picture on the Oscar tributes section.

And a stage... Sorry. And a stagehand. Imagine if he came up on the Oscar tributes. People would say, who the hell is that? A stagehand came over to fix it and went, no, leave that. Leave that now. Oh, dear.

He was angry. He's a lovely man, though. No, we're not condemning his human essence. Not at all. He's fabulous. Anyway. Can I say that when I sang Three Lions 98 live on TFI Friday... That was bad. Yeah, can I point out that a microphone had fallen on the piano?

Oh, yeah. Why was that so bad when you sang that live? I didn't realise it at the time, but looking back, that's exactly what happened. Also, it stayed there for the whole song. No-one moved it. Do you know, I'd forgotten how bad that was. It was absolutely... It's one of the worst things I've ever heard.

Can I just say, young people, Google it. I couldn't believe it, and I knew Frank at the time. Is it on YouTube? Well, if it isn't, can someone upload it? Because, Frank, you came out of it quite badly. David Baddiel. No, we were both terrible. I mean, usually, I don't think he'd argue with this,

I sang better than him, but on this case, we both went to the very depths. But, you know, if there's a mic on the piano strings, what can you do? I was trapped. She said she cried for the whole of the next day,

thinking about it. And that reminded me of when I hosted the Brits. Not for the whole day, but I certainly cried as long as I could until I recalled my fee. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. We've got a problem, I'm afraid. What? We've turned the show into something of a pop quiz, accidentally. Have we? Yeah. We've had the show into something of a pop quiz, accidentally. Have we? Yeah. We've had a text here. Hi, From a Distance wasn't written until 1987,

so if the Four Tops did a song called that, it was not the same song. That's from Noel Rowland, sorry. Well, I think I sang their version. And we've also had a text saying... The producer's phone is going off. Four Tops album tonight, released 1981, has From a Distance on it, but don't think releases a single.

So they could have sung it at a concert. Frank is right, I think. There you go. But that contradicts... I think we've established that they did a song called From a Distance. OK. I mean, it's hard to look back now, From a Distance. Yeah.

Hmm. By the way, my spectacles, which I bought recently, which were based on the spectacles that Gregory Peck wore when he played Abbey. And can I say that... All over the papers today. Of course, though. Rather fine on you. Yeah, thank you. But because of the death of Harper Lee, they're everywhere.

I bought just in time. Oh, yeah, they'll be sold out now. Oh, there's going to be... It's like people who bought port bellies just before the great port belly rush. They'll be worth a fortune, these glasses, now. Now Harper Lee's gone down. God bless her.

So, what about... Did you see Johnny Depp's band? Yes. I didn't. Did you guys? I did, yeah. I did. Was it good? Hollywood Vampires.

Is it a super group? It's got an Alice Cooper thing, you know what I mean? Super? Well, it was a bit Tom Jones at the start of The Voice, you know, and they all have to sing together and it's a bit weird. Yes, it is. They had Alice Cooper, a man from Guns N' Roses. That's what his name is.

Joe Perry, who I believe is an aerosmith. Duff from Guns N' Roses. It was the bloke who said that he drank seven... No, he drank a gallon of vodka a day, he said. Oh. Oh. He did not. Oh. Oh. He did not. That sounds unlikely.

Such a big lie. I didn't like... One thing I didn't like was when Alice Cooper was talking about them, and he said, the thing about the vampires is we have to carefully schedule gigs for the vampires. Don't call them the vampires like it's the Stones and everyone knows them. This is the first time they performed. No, he is right about the carefully scheduling gigs, though,

because daylight can ruin their gigs. That's true. That's true. All run in water. Yeah. And they weren't doing any churches. There was one slightly off-sounding guitar. It went a bit three lines. Well, there was a microphone on the piano strings. Yeah, but out of all of those men in the Hollywood Vampires,

who's your finger pointing at? I know who's mine is. J.D., do you think? Of course it is. Come on. He doesn't know what he's doing in the music world. He doesn't know. He doesn't know what you're doing.

My favourite quote from the Johnny Depp people is that Johnny has to balance his commitment to the vampires with his commitment to filming the Invisible Man movie. I thought, well, there's scope for a day off or two with that one, isn't there? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Yes, I'm not sure

about those Hollywood vampires. And also, they've all got hats. We all know when the middle-aged man wears a hat, it just makes me nervous. Men of a certain age, yeah. I saw... Who's the bloke who was married to... I'm having a slight problem with names.

Oh, I think I know. I love this, it's so pensioner. Jamie Lee James. Jamie Lee Curtis. Earl James Jones James. Early James. Sorry, my guess was going to be Brian May. Is it Christopher Guest married to Jamie Lee Curtis? No. His name was Jamie Earl

James Jones. James. There's no such person. He was married to... JJ, that's what people call him. He's married to the woman who now is married to Brad Pitt. I feel a bit like I'm talking to my grandma. You're talking about... No, you're talking about Tommy Lee.

Tommy, yes, Tommy. No, he wasn't mad to Angelina Jolie. Tommy Lee Miller. Tommy Lee Jones. Johnny Miller. No, leave it with me, I'll get it. Tommy Lee Jones was married to Angelina. No, he wasn't.

Yeah, he was. No, he wasn't. No, Johnny Miller was. No. No. Bobby Lee. he was. No, he wasn't. No, Johnny Miller was. No. No. Bobby Lee. He was. I tell you, he played the Janus-faced man.

Yeah. What's his name? Anyway. I think it is Tommy Lee Jones. No, that's not. Anyway, him. Yeah. He had a band.

I saw them play. Bobby Lee something. It is. Anyway. Bobby Lee something. It is. Jerry Lee Lewis. Yes, him. Anyway, so you're all laughing at me for not knowing him. No, you don't know him.

I can't believe I can't remember that. Billy Bob Thornton. Billy Bob Thornton, yes. Charlie the producer. I've been in his chocolate cabin. But that's another story. Yes, well, he was married to Angelina Jolie, was he? Yes, he was, yeah.

Didn't she carry a file of his blood around her neck or something like that? Yes, and thank you for all the people who texted in Billy Bob Thornton. Thanks very much. It was Billy Bob. I shouldn't have known it was Billy Bob. Billy Bob. It was Billy Bob. I should have known it was Billy Bob. Billy Bob. Also, 546 says, Morning, Frank, I keep a spreadsheet of all the Bucks Fizz records I own.

So far it's over 200 from all over the world. Bucks Fizz fan in Norwich. Fantastic. Congratulations. There you go. So he's buying them with different covers. Is that what he's doing? From all over the world? Or from live concerts?

Different releases. I see. That's my guess. He's a completist, a box office completist, what's wrong with that? No, it's not. I work with a producer who does a lot of big TV shows, look him up, Spencer Millman. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

And his dad made the Velcro skirts for ripping off in the making your mind up thing. Is that all he did or did he do something else? No, he just did that. Okay. Well, he'd retire after that. They kept him in a hotel room.

They just left the food by the door until they were ready for the skirts. And that was it. That was his life done. But in many ways he achieved more than a great many of us do. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

We've had some great news in on the text messages, guys. We've had some great news in on the text messages, guys. We were, we had a, I mean, the last link was, it was a bit like verbal spaghetti about Billy Bob Thornton, Johnny Lee Miller. It was awful. Tommy Lee Jones.

I mean, it wasn't as bad as the ballet link, but it was a different kind of strange, wasn't it? It was. Can I tell you what it was? It was dressing room of the Golden Girls? It was. Can I tell you what it was? It was dressing room of the Golden Girls. It was. That's really what it sounded like. It was. I had a minor break there.

Yeah. Well. Tommy, Johnny, Lee, Tommy. Tommy, Lee, Johnny, Lee. Great news, guys. Paul has texted in. And, I mean, I would have read this anyway, but here it is.

It says, Alan is, brackets, as always always exclamation mark. Alan is as always right. Angelina Jolie was Don't be that out about yourself. I can. Angelina Jolie was married to Johnny Lee Miller in the late 90s. Yeah. Married Billy Bob before deciding

that trailer park names were bad luck and settled for single barrel four name Brad. Yes. You're welcome. That's what I said. I said that she was married to Johnny Lee. Well, yeah, I knew that. And you both said no. I didn't say no.

I just said that wasn't Billy Bob Thornton. You said she's married to Jeremy Lee Curtis, didn't you? Exactly. And then you said Tommy Lee Jones. Yeah. No, I don't. John Lee Hooker, I think, was mentioned. Oh, let's not go down this road again.

He's good. Yeah. He's good. Well, anyway, we got that it was Billy Bob. Anyway, I didn't tell you. I saw his band at the Union Chapel in Islington in North London. Billy Bob Thornton? Yeah.

I walked out after four songs. It was so terrible. Oh, really? Was it worse than your performance of Three Lions on TFI Friday? Well, it was worse in that I think we accepted that we weren't good. And I think we accepted that we weren't good. And I think Bill Bob. Bill Bob's a man who probably takes himself a little seriously, even though he's got two abbreviated forenames.

If he was called, what would it be, W.R. Thornton? I suspect he speaks like your old oil prospector, Frank. I don't remember him. He said something about when he got depressed and he didn't leave his room for two years or something like that. Oh. And I thought, well, I'm starting to envy you that. At least you didn't come to the gig like this.

Anyway, I think we can say he had Angelina's golden years. So there's pluses. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. In a bit, into the mic. Speak in the mic. People are saying... The calling, the calling, for calling's been my ruin.

I'll go no more, the calling with you, fair mine. There's a mic falling on the ruin. I'll go no more the calling with you for mine. There's a mic falling on the piano. I don't know. I think there's a mic on the piano. I'll have a mead, please. Mic on the piano, I know. You know this thing with Adele saying how the sound was wrong? She addled.

Was there not a point that afternoon where they went, one, two, testing, one, two? Because that seems to be like the industry standards. They don't do that anymore. They don't do that? No. You can't do that in the current climate. What do you mean?

I don't know, I think you have to do it in Sanskrit. Oh. Um, what did you speak in a... Oh, yes, Lady Gaga. Well, we were talking about the Grammys, and she did this, um this David Bowie tribute. Ha! Yeah.

Did you watch it? Well, I did. Did you see it, Al? I have not seen it, but I hear there was a brouhaha about the Gaga. Well, I mean, the brouhaha was about the fact that she bookended it, if that's the word, with two adverts for Intel.

Yes. I don't really know what Intel is. It's something I've read. Is it Pentium Processor? Yeah. I don't know what that is either. You sounded really convincing. I've seen it on a laptop. When they said Intel, I thought... It's got the four...

Or something, hasn't it? Has it? Yes, that's as little as someone... It's one of those urban myths that someone is a multimillionaire as a result of those four notes. Oh, really? But... So that's been the fuss, that she did a tribute to Bowie

which was bookended by an advert for Intel, which seems poor taste. But no-one's mentioned that the medley of Bowie hits she did was terrible. There must have been another mic on the piano. It sounds like the piano's where they keep the mics at this concert. I tell you what, but when you do a medley, the songs have to blend into each other.

So it would go, Let's dance, go dancing, the blues is the life on... It was sob joive, Bonnie. It was sob... What have the words said against jive, Bonnie? I once saw Zoe Springsteen at the Barn Social Club in Aston, who was a woman in her mid-40s who came on and said, clap your hands if you love Tamla Motown.

And she did a Tamla Motown medley that was better than what Lady Gaga did the other night. Partly because she slightly misjudged the length of her dress. So when she rose her hands above her head to clap, there was a pants moment. Was there? I think had it been deliberate, to be honest, she'd have chosen better pants. Oh. But it was...

M&S stripes? They were stripy. Do you know, I also, I found the constant costume changes, it was a bit Opportunity Knox Impressionist delving into the suitcase behind him. Oh, fingers. I mean, I can't have that.

Not just the advertising, but the advertising surrounding something terrible. As far as I'm concerned, she's finished in our house. Absolute. Absol house. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. And we're in a different studio, which is why we sound slightly differently, but we're still bringing the same jocularity to, you know...

Still bringing you good times on a Saturday morning. That's right. And apparently there's been another brouhaha. It's not just Lady Gaga. It's old brouhaha. Apparently's not just Lady Gaga. It's old brouhaha. Apparently, Jerry Halliwell has been accused, j'accuse,

of changing her accent. She was on Bake Off or something. She won it, I think. Mediterranean tart. Come on. Yep, that was one of the other contestants. Let's move on. Chocolate tray bake. Ah, tray bon. Ginger jumper as well, which is, I believe, what she calls her husband.

She won, didn't she? No, she did a thing called the ginger jumper, which was a tribute to Greg Rutherford, the ginger head long jumper. Oh, that's good. Yeah. That's kind. They had to do a sports theme. Oh, that's right, yeah.

Longjumper. Oh, that's good. Yeah. That's kind. They had to do a sports theme. Oh, that's right, yeah. I mean, she won. I mean, she's got a great amount of stick for doing a programme free to raise money for people in the third world.

Oh, he's such a Hallowell apologist. What a monster she is. Well, it wasn't that. They were cross about. People gave her stick because they said she'd changed her accent. They said she's a girl from Watford. That's what was so endearing about her. Hold on a minute.

When was the public endeared by Geri? She's always been the one who's had the most stick. No, you just like to think that, because then you feel you're supporting the underdog. He loves an underdog. I know. I don't like gingerism. No, but she was the one men

fancied the most. Was she? Yeah, always. Yeah, that's probably true. Anyway, the point is she had this posh accent apparently. And everyone kept saying on Twitter, why is she talking like this? Now, if you've got increased cash flow you're going to be hanging around with poshians.

I guess that's why. Is her husband posh? Christian Horner? I would imagine so. I would imagine so. They are married. Now, if he's posh, sometimes you can hang around with people and pick up their accents.

Yes. That is a bit embarrassing, isn't it? This is why the Royal Family aren't allowed to marry into the working classes. They'd be ruined forever. But Kath, certainly, when I first went out with her... She's got more Birmingham since she's been with you. She had some Birmingham vowels.

Right. So I just think she's accidentally fallen into the posh society and I don't think it's deliberate. I love putting on a posh voice, though, when I've got to make phone calls. Do you think it's just because she was baking? Baking sort of elevates your social status because it's all like high tea, we're having cake and even then just talking about

baking I went a bit posher. Well let me let me refer to you to Greg's. Right, yeah they do a lot of baking. I think they've managed to stay close to their roots. I've not ever really baked. Does a potato count? I don't think it does.

No. Well, that's interesting, that. I've done that. That'd be good if I was on Celebrity Bake Off. For a start, there would be a question mark about the booking policy. But if they went, and now it's over to Alan, and he's done a potato. Well, I... I like the accent.

I thought it was... What, Gerry's accent. I thought it was... Well, Gerry's accent. I thought it suited her. He didn't? Well... She looked like a really good edit of the Duchess of York. Oh, that sounds good. Yeah.

To be honest, I can't judge... Which we've all yearned for. I can't judge, Frank, because I do put on a slightly faux East End accent if I get in a cab sometimes. You're doing it now? No. No, I'll just say, All right, mate, just round here. Oh, I know what you mean. You don't. a slightly faux east end accent if i get in a cab you're doing it now no no just all right mate just

round here oh i know you mean you don't do a little bit because i want to bond with him i do i've done that with certain boyfriends as well just ones that don't speak quite as quite you know speak differently unfortunately i've never been out with any wild west old-timers otherwise i could have done that as well you could have fooled me i um i once i remember i did teacher training at the school for a day and for some reason when i spoke to the class i did it in the voice of merseyside poet roger mcgough no good morning everyone and how are you and honestly i didn't know it once Once I'd started, of course, I was stuck with it. Yeah.

Paul, don't do that, please. Anyway, now we're going to talk about... And I really did. I could hear it in my head, and I was trapped. I was Roger McGough for the whole day. Can I say I respect you two for keeping your accents? There's many people that come up to the big smoke and change their ways.

Not you two. Not Frank and Alan. I think mine has been slightly watered down. Yeah, me too. Because I know when I go to West Brom games, I feel it crank back up again. Right. But I'll say,

what can you do? You're caught in nothing, can you? Not a word. Why is Adrian Charles' accent so much stronger than yours? It's so strong. He tries hard, I do, the middle classes do. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, what were we talking about? Yeah, it's interesting in the same way that Christopher Eccleston and Julie Walters were saying that it's a massive advantage in the acting profession to have a posh accent. Which I think is definitely true. Yeah. I'm never going to be Sherlock Holmes, am I?

Erm, Watson. Yeah, cool, put that there, my man. That's not going to happen. No. It's true. You'd be restricted, certainly. Yeah. In the roles that you could play. Or you could act up, my. That's not going to happen. No. It's true. You'd be restricted, certainly. Yeah. In the roles that you could play.

Or you could act up, dear. So maybe Jerry's thought, you know, it's time to, if you can't beat them, join them. Also, social mobility and all that. I know, but when they have elocution lessons, one can always tell. Well, she once bought me eight pairs of pants, and I suppose i've always

loved her since then did she she did that's nice was it a special occasion or did you uh what's a collective name for pants anyone is it a murder of pants that's crows isn't it yeah i think a murder of pants is a really bad night out yeah yeah, yeah. You've got to be careful. A gaggle, a gaggle of pants. Yeah. I don't know, but maybe I'm, actually I'm exaggerating, I think it was four pairs. Why did she give you the pants? Because it was a, I think it was a joke. Do you remember, there used to be that footage of me dancing in my pants.

Oh, yeah. Oh, it was the Vengaboys. And they were a sort of a cheaper brief. So she bought me some Steinish Calvin Klein boxes. Nice. And now you get sent the Bjorn Borgs, of course. Yes. I'll tell you what, that went viral. Talk about social mobility.

There you are. Yes, my private parts were a victim of the Boxer Rebellion. Not many people can say that. You still get people coming up to him in the street about that clip. Oh, yeah? Oh, yes. That was my golden moment. Anyway,

we love Gerry on this show. Gerry Horner? No, I just gave her a friendly embrace. God! So, um... Oh, Frank, I'd like to read out a missive we've had in. Lovely. This one concerns Alan Cochran, and it's from Prisoner 805. Okay.

Morning, Emily Frank, but more importantly, Alan. Like it so far. Okay. I like Emily Frank. That's the one that didn't go in the attic. Enough to hell with it. I'm just going to sit in the garden. Let him come.

And we all know that that would have been my attitude as well. Exactly. Long-time reader, first-time writer. This week, my wife and I experienced the most peculiar outing of the year so far, when on Tuesday night we journeyed north. End of email. No, not really. To join Alan for an evening of wisdom and chuckles.

We could only assume that our sat-nav was on the blink when we arrived at our destination on a darkened industrial estate outside a bowling alley slash roller disco. Oh, yeah. Wow, they still have roller discos. I thought they disappeared. I think I know what this email is about.

It's a tour date, I think. The youth ticking off names at the entrance confirmed our safe arrival. Mm-hm. Comedy accompanied by the booming sounds of a roller disco may well be the future. Yeah. It certainly had the feel of a working men's club

in the early 90s. We will certainly see him again for the feeling of nostalgia. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. That was... It was a strange tour date, Frank.

I'm not going to lie. I don't think I spoke to more than 95% of the audience for the entire show. There was a constant stream of departures and returns. I had one of those in Bradford once. Very peculiar. They were weighing from about five minutes in and it never stopped.

Well, it began with a woman leaving and said, I'm sorry, my children aren't well, I've got to go. And I said, OK, fine. Well, that's fair enough, isn't it? Yes, exactly. I mean, I did say, you can't have your money back but you can go and um and and then she came back and said something to her husband and they got better no I did say they're fine again and then the husband went and he came back saying yeah she couldn't start my car she didn't know how to work it and I said have you two just

met I thought you're a family um they were fine, the children, but the husband stayed to watch the shows, but very, very peculiar, and yes, in a very gaudy place, a roller disco of all places. I mean, I honestly thought they only happened in Glee. What, the roller discos? Yeah.

Wow. That's not the only missive we've had in for Alan this morning. Oh yeah? Well, can we hold this one? Because, as you know, on commercial radio, we have certain commitments to the... But the Alan show will be back in a minute. ..to the business sector. And here they come.

This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. Dear Frank, Emily and the Cox Fortif, I was waiting in the queue of a popular coffee franchise at a motorway service station on Thursday night when who should stand behind me but the one and only Alan Cochran. After paying the extortionate rate of £8 for a hot chocolate... Wait, what? Wait, wait for this.

And a milkshake. This isn't me, by the way. Which may seem reasonable down in the big smoke, Wait, wait for this. And a milkshake. This isn't me, by the way. That was them. Which may seem reasonable down in the big smoke, I realised that Alan was wearing a camouflage top with bright blue trainers and an equally eye-catching hat. Just wondering if any of you have ever felt the need to wear anything in particular to avoid attention

or equally to make sure you're the centre of it in any particular environment. No praise whatsoever. Terry in Wolverhampton. Thanks, Terry. Nice to meet you. What you don't say is that hot chocolate and milkshake took about 20 minutes to make and we were on a time budget on our way home. Tell.

In tell? Yeah, exactly. He stumbled upon one of my game changers of recent weeks. Remember we talked about life hacks? Yes. So I did the gig that I think we can all agree was in a strange venue, the Newton Aycliffe one. We got stuck in traffic on the way back,

and then we got some road closures. So I got home at like three in the morning, and the next day, me and Mike, the other comic that's on the show, are going to Bristol. Bristol from Manchester goes past Birmingham. It was tea time traffic, horrible. So I said to Mike on the way back, I went, tomorrow when we do this gig, I'm travelling in a tracksuit

all the way there and all the way back. That's how it starts. I'm literally just putting on normal clothes for the show. If you want to see the worst dressed people in the world, go to a motorway service. Because people think, oh, driving, you can just wear the worst things out. Do you think that's what it is?

Oh, I dress up lovely for the drive. Oh, it was a beautiful game changer for me. I thought, I wouldn't want to be being cut out of a wreck with oxyacetylene equipment wearing that. I'll tell you what, I took it a step further. I took in the boot of the vehicle a yoga mat and took it into the theatre.

And whilst the first half was on, I sat on the floor and did some stretching and just unkinked all the, you know, the driving. Choose your back up and that. Yoga mat and travelling in a tracksuit. That's what this tour is like. It's like travelling with Jane Fonda. It's an absolute game changer

and I'm glad he's brought it to our attention because I've had another good game changer this week. Go on. Can I ask you a question before you move on to this? Sure. The cap, the cap that you wear, the hat. No, it was a woolly, almost like a beanie slash ski. Was that a...

Was it a bit ITV1 hooligan? I'm not sure. Because they have a beanie, but it looks a bit clean. You know what I mean. I wonder if... Was it an attempt to not be recognised? I don't think being recognised is troubling my life to that extent, Frank. I'm genuinely surprised.

Depends whether you're declaring these gigs. To be honest, at the box office sales that I sell I probably don't go down that road don't go down that road come on love it doesn't take long I got recognised on the tube the other day do you think I'd be a good

sat-nav voice don't go down that road that's quite you comforting yeah I quite like that Can I be a good sat-nav voice? Don't go down that road. That's going to be comforting. Yeah, I quite like doing it. Go down left. Don't worry if you miss it. See, now that I know you and your terrible sense of direction, I wouldn't be able to take you as a sat-nav. And then you'd get the... What if you made a mistake?

No! I'd think, what are you telling me where to go for? You can't find your way out of absolute everywhere. A friend who used to live with me where to go for? You can't find your way out of Absolute every week. A friend who used to live with me used to point out when we played table football, every time I scored a goal, I'd say to him, concentrate! This is

Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, do you remember when you used to talk about your old chef? And I remember you would to talk about your old Shep? And I remember you would sometimes talk about him dreaming. Yes. And I'd have a little whimper and a twitchy leg, maybe. Yeah.

They did that... That was one of your exes, love. I always thought maybe he was dreaming he was driving a clown car. We all dream that. Yes, I do remember that. This is why I like this story. I was fascinated by watching him dream, I must admit. Well, he was properly dreaming because boffins, you know them in the white coats,

they've come up with some new findings. And they've discovered that dogs actually dream in the same way as humans. So they dream about their day, like we would dream about our day. And depending on the animal, so let's say it's your Whippet, Lucky. He would specifically dream... She? Unless she's having

a dream where she's a he. People are so sensitive now. Do people do that? I've never dreamt I was a woman, have you? I've not, no. But I don't see why. I wonder if that people who become transsexual, I wonder if that's how it starts. You dream as a woman and realise that's where you should be. I worry about this area.

8, 12, 15. Actually, the boffin talking about it is called not Dr Nicholas Dodman. I mean, he's one letter away from the nominative determinism. If he'd been called Nicholas Dodman. I mean, he's one letter away from the nominative determinism. If he'd been called Nicholas Dodman. If I was him, if I answered the phone, I'd say Nicholas Dodman, so no-one really knew. Oh, that's good. On the subject of nominative determinism,

I didn't read it last week, but we had an email right at the end of the show, and I didn't have the chance from someone saying that they'd been taught music at school by someone called Miss C Sharp. Oh, that can't be right. That is excellent, isn't it? That's too good.

That's like when you found the Zunia task for Mr C Lion. Yeah. Isn't it one of those? First day at work prank. Oh, have I fallen for it? Buckingham Palace, Oscar Elizabeth. Yeah. Someone tried that on me.

Left-handed screwdriver. I mean, come on, people. Get a life. Anyway, that on me. Left-handed screwdriver. I mean, come on, people. Get a life. Anyway, the dog dreams. So, for example, your dog might dream about chasing after a dream bird. Yeah. Yeah? Yes.

And then a Doberman Pinscher. What, Linda Lusardi? I was going to say, not dissimilar to me, but that's another story. You two are disgusting. A Doberman Pinscher... You're not really, are you? I am. Nor are you.

Will chase a dream robber. Do you see? And not only will they chase them, but when they attack them, they'll always go for the forearm, where the padding is. Oh, yeah. Always are obsessed by the padding on these birds. Love it. You've watched so much Columbo, haven't you? Yes. Oh, yeah. Always are obsessed by the padding on these birds. I love it.

You've watched so much Columbo, haven't you? Yes. So, yeah. My big question has always been... I mean, first of all, what are we to do with the results of this research? That's what I want to know. I can't see the old Zika virus getting a knock.

And also, the question I've always wanted to know is, if my dog had dreamed that I was hitting it with a stick, would he have woke up and attacked me for hitting him with a stick? Do dogs have any sense of what is a dream and what is life as they have no concept of the subconscious? 8, 12, 15. I'd really like to, 12, 15. Yeah.

I'd really like to know that now. Yeah. If my dog dreamt that we regularly had full contact kissing... Oh, God! Frank! And he woke up and I was sitting next to him, is he liable to... He's not going to dream that. Well, we don't know what they dream, do we? How can he dream that? I don't think we've

actually identified the complete... I mean, I have a recurring dream that I'm defecating in a public place. Do dogs dream that? Do you? Yeah, I do. It's one of my big embarrassing dreams. Well, I suppose that is their day, isn't it? Well, exactly. They dream about what's happening. What about your Central Reservation dreams?

Let's not even get on to that. Well, that's true. I don't know where you brought that up. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What we're talking about, dog dreams. No one's answered my question. No, we have, actually. Dogs, like humans, can't tell the difference at the time, but when they wake up, it is irrelevant

as they enter back to the default state of consciousness and quickly forget the dream. Source, my dog told me. Oh. Oh, he's pulled our leg there, hasn't he? Well, that sounds like the men in black. He's got a dog called Source. Yeah.

I wonder, well, yeah, but I suppose if I was there at the moment of waking up, I might get a bit of a snog before he realised his error. 812 says, somewhat controversially, dogs are thick. If a dog can lick a window thinking it's food for three hours, like mine does, then it goes to believe that he has no self-awareness. On the plus side, I don't need a window cleaner for that window. That's Dan from Northampton.

I didn't know they'd lick windows thinking it was food. What is that about? It's the food on the other side, I don't need a window cleaner for that window. That's Dan from Northampton. I didn't know they lit windows. I was thinking it was food. What is that about? It's the food on the other side of the window. My dog doesn't. She doesn't do anything. She just lies around like a cat. I don't want to be snogging a dog that's been licking a window.

I don't want you to be snogging any dog. No, you're quite right. This show isn't like Match.com for you. Yeah, I've seen the light. I'm not doing it. My dog used to separate his toes and bring them back together when he was dreaming. Was that Shep?

Yeah. Oh, did he? Like jazz hands? No, I think he was dreaming. That's what Wayne Seat does when he's dreaming. Maybe he dreamt he was trampolining. And they spread on impact and then he raised up again. And also, the one thing I did find interesting

was that smaller dogs dream more frequently. And they have shorter dreams. Well, they have shorter everything. But larger dogs dream less but have longer dreams. So does that follow that with Alan and I, for example, I have shorter dreams? I think it sounds like dreams can be exponentially balanced by the length of your legs.

Oh, wow. That's what it sounds like. That's right, yours are like War and Peace, mine are like Betfair ads. My dreams are very boring. I used to talk about this since then. I once dreamt that I had forgotten to renew my car tax. How boring's that?

And my mother-in-law was saying, get Alan to renew his car tax. But then when you got to the office, they said, yes, Mrs Cochran. That's how it starts. My fascination with dogs is the halfway pant. Do you know that? The halfway pant? I don't mean the halfway pant as in some sort of provocative way of wearing one's underwear.

What is this? You know when dogs pant? When people do an impression of a dog panting. They go... But in fact, dogs have a little rest in the middle of a pant in which they do a half pant. When the tongue goes back, they go...

They do, right? Yeah, they do. Yeah. I'm loving your dog work. Don't use that as a trailer, by the way. People will be terrified. I think it's an anonymous phone call. Can I just say, anyone who is going to write into the radio show, I love our readers, but don't say Hi Frank and the other two because I won't read it out. Oh, come on. I really want to know what it was now.

Do you really? Maybe it's somebody with short-term memory loss. Do you really want to know what it was? No, in case it's something horrible. Is it something horrible? It was fine. Okay. Thanks for calling. I'll be 50p. Now then, we've had a sign held up.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I tell you a story before we go? Yeah. I met Boris Johnson's dad at a book launch. Oh, he's worked with them all, hasn't he? Recently. And the reason I went over and spoke was introduced to him by Joan Bale, well, the Baroness, who has a new book out. Oh, yes.

And I said, well, I've actually stayed in your house in Greece, in Pelion, in Greece. And I stayed in, he just has it on the market, Boris Johnson's dad. So I stayed in his house there. And he said, oh, really? I had no idea. And I said, yeah. I said, can I have, one thing I would say about it is often when you're away like that and it's very, very hot, you want to read. I said, there was only

one book in the house, in the entire house, and that was your autobiography. And he said, I never thought, he said, I'm sorry. He said, well, I can remedy that. He said, there's a second volume now. That's not quite what I meant. Anyway,

Andy Bush, I haven't lapsed into patois. Thank you so much for listening this morning. And thank you, Charlie, for standing in as producer. You've done an absolutely sterling job. I love your work. I love it, Jerry. Jerry Hanwell.

Yes, exactly. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.