The Frank Skinner Show - TOTES

Episode Date: March 12, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has been doing some online shopping and has started wearing a vest! The team discuss man caves, how many friends they have, heckling and what they do whilst they're on the phone...enjoy!

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Do not text the show. I think we've earned a little privacy. No, don't text the show because we're not live this morning. We're a bit yesterday, I'll be honest with you. But do follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio because that won't cost you a nickel or a dime. And you can also email the show via the Absolute Radio website and we'll read them eventually.

Alan loves to trawl retrospectively. I do. He loves a Friday night trawl. He does. That's the advantage of living by the sea, of course. So, um... What are you doing? I was playing the tom.

I was, uh... Treat your physique as a musical instrument. Can I tell you, it was good enough for Bobby McFerrin. True. If you hang about long enough, I could probably do that armpit thing. Oh, no could probably do that armpit thing. Oh, no, I hate that armpit thing.

Oh, no, I'm good, thanks. Let's not, then. Let's not. Yeah, I'd forgot about it, now you've brought it up. That'll come back to me now. Gross. It's my gift. Oh, that armpit thing. Can you do it through the shirt? I don't think you can, can you?

No, I would just unbutton. Not through a plaid shirt like that. I'd just go... I'd go low buttons. Do you? Really? I would just unbutton. Not through a plaid shirt like that. I'd just go, I'd go low buttons. Do you? Really? I would do. I, um, if I'm going to do it, I usually just wear, like, one of those breastfeeding gowns. Yes. So I get easy access to the bits.

I appeal. So, um, oh, let me tell you something. I was in a motor car the other day. There's a company, I don't know if it's national. Yeah. But it's in London and they're called Green Tomatoes. Are you familiar with them? Oh, yes, I know them.

Eco-friendly. They are eco-friendly, yes. So they like a hybrid. Mm-hm. And I said to the guy, the driver... The driver. I was in the back on my own and I said, the driver I was in the back on my own

and I said do you have do you have wifi in these cars and he said he turned away from that looking at the road and went I love free wifi

and I thought what is a superfly it's the weirdest thing and I said well me too and he said no that's the weirdest thing and i said well me too and he said no that no that's the password wi-fi i'm not really gone with it i would have high-fived him if i could have reached over his headrest i like the sound of the your initial impression of him as the unusual character yes

exactly i wish he hadn't spoiled it all without being the password he felt um he wasn't actually um he was east european i think but it felt like a sort of blaxploitation movie thing to say like shaft would have said i love free wi-fi and they just said what is wi-fi and he said hmm maybe i'm a little premature and then it would have been like another scene with dancing that's how i see it going in that uh that shaft was it an eco car was it um like a prius or a is it silent that's basically my question this is good no when they dropped you off because i got was it a toyota silent when they dropped me off i mean they did stop no but i didn't roll i'm not a stunt man at least slow down. They tend to slow down when you're not in the mafia.

I always say, as one I always ask to say, anywhere on the left ear is fine. And they did that. I was dropped off by an eco-taxi driver. And as I was walking up to the door of the house, I thought to myself, oh, that's really lovely. The guy stared to see me go in to the front door

as if, like... Lovely slash creepy weirdo? Yeah, as if he was dropping me off from a date and I was a dainty damsel or something. Yeah. And it turned out it had just been a silent car and he'd driven off ages ago and I hadn't heard it. That's all it was. I, um... How do you see that as a positive? Because I get

a few drivers watch me to the door as it were. And what do you think when that happens? I always think, at the very best, they're planning a future burglary. And at the worst, I'm about to be charged to the ground from behind, and then suddenly they're in my hallway. I'm not... As you say, if it's a young lady going up to a dark, stately manor... Well, you don't have to be young.

You don't have to be young, generally speaking. They do it for me, Frank, the drivers. Do they? They wait until I'm in my vestibule. No, well, I can see that. I mean, that's caring with me, I think. Well, you haven't seen my vestibule. Not for years.

I shouldn't imagine it's changed that much. But I always sit in there wrecking. Do you? Yeah. And I don't know, if there's one thing I hate, it's wreck that much. But I always sit there wrecking. Do you? Yeah. And I don't know, if there's one thing I hate, it's wrecking. Yeah. Put a song on. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. That was a bit of an incident just now. We actually did stop. There was a microphone. I hope you heard us on the first link. If you didn't, trust me, it was sensational. Yeah, well, say what happened then. Well, then, so we sent Sarah, our assistant producer, out to get help because there was some problem with the desk.

I don't mean the inkwell was a bit crooked. I mean, like, the technical thing. She wasn't keen at first. And then she came back with a goth. And I don't think of goths as being good in a crisis, but this one was very... It was goths, go. Really practical.

When you say goth, she had black hair. No, no, she was more than that. No, she did have a goth sensibility. She had, as Anne Widdicombe said, something of the night about her. Yeah. She just seemed lovely. But, you know, I don't think of them as get up and go. Mm. sensibility she had um as ann widdicombe said something of the night about it yeah that should seem lovely and you know i don't think of them as get up and go no but she maybe she was drinking one of those energy drinks with the goth typeface yeah it'd be just people yeah but how brilliant

that is yeah i think i mean i love the gods they're my favorite youth subculture are they well they don't they don't have a violent strand. Nearly all the youth subcultures do. Do you know what as well? They seem to read, which I like. They do read. You know. Oh, I love the Goths.

You seem to know your way around the Goth. They do read. Well, I was on Myspace for many years, which is the home of the Goth. And I also love it when you go to the countryside and there's one Goth living in a village. Oh, yeah. And there's no-one else really to share their fashion thing with.

And they sit around in the churchyard drinking cider. They love a churchyard. Reading Bram Stoker and stuff like that. Yes, I love them, but I've just never seen one really up and at it like that before. I tell you what, I do like a goth. I wouldn't want to go on holiday with one, though. No? Well, maybe Transylvania.

Whitby. You can't take the goths to the beach. Whitby and Transylvania, that's the two options. I have an image now of Count Dracula having a bit of a problem with his drainage system and a goth like that turning up and saying, leave it to me, I've it done in five minutes, and just done. Goth plumber, sounds great. Black van. Hello, goth like that turning up and saying, leave it to me, I've it done in five minutes, and just done. Goth plumber, sounds great.

Yeah. Black van. Hello, goth help, can I help you? Yeah, black van and, like, a pair of pliers in the shape of a bat. If there's any other practical goths out there, you can't text us today because we're not live, but you can probably contact us through a medium. Yeah.

Or just head up to Camden Town. Yes. What's a goth shape? What are those, like, diamondy star things? Are they gothy? You know, I'm just thinking that... Diamondy star... In the sky?

Do you mean in the sky at night? What are they called? Is it called a pent... Pentangle. No, pentangle is a bit diabolic, isn't it? Do you mean in the sky at night? What are they called? Is it called a pentangle? Pentangle is a bit diabolic, isn't it? Oh, is it? I was just thinking that if we got a goth email, it shouldn't go in email corner, it should go in, like, the goth shape, the pentangle, or something similar.

I'd be happy to have a goth corner where goths contact us every week with a bit of, you know... Oh, there'd be a lot of full-length leathers, Frank. Goth-goth. Goth-goth. Goth-goth. Oh, yeah, I Oh, there'll be a lot of full-length leathers, Frank. Goth-goss. Goth-goss. Goth-goss. Oh, yeah, I'm sure there'll be loads of that. It's... I've suddenly become strangely fascinated

by the whole concept now. I think goth-goss is what they called the Bross brother that never joined the band, didn't he? Goth-goss. Yeah, because he wouldn't go blonde. Yeah, exactly. And they said, you can't wear a full lentil leather overcoat.

I know what I'm doing, man, he said. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I wish I know I'd said OMG when she came in. Oh, my God. I wish I'd known I'd said OMG when she came in. Oh, my goth. Anyway, let's move on from that.

I went online shopping this week. Do you go online shopping? I suppose you do. Late review. Yeah, exactly. Blimey. Frank's got into online. I went online shopping. I used a car the other day.

Extraordinary. Speaking of late reviews, I watched Whiplash the other night. Don't know it. You know, that's for you. You don't know it. That film where the man teaches somebody to play drums. You know when you say...

Oh, spoilers! You know when you say you don't know it, you've forgotten it, is what I think he means, because it was so long ago. I thought it'd be your kind of film. It's very masculine. That was about... I'm saying I judge films as about three boyfriends ago.

That's how I judge films. No, you've definitely... You do know it. Hang on. It's a man who plays the... He teaches them how to play the drums. You say it's my kind of film, but you're the one that's always saying

that he's a member of the S&M community and you've only just seen Whiplash. That seems... No, well, I knew it was drom-based. Oh, really? Not based dromed. But yeah, so that put me off it. Yeah. It's all based on how you teach people, you know?

Oh, yeah? So if you teach them by fear and horror, they get better, apparently. Oh. That's... I mean, that's not what the studies claim about education, is it? Why are you seeing these films sorry Al don't call it catch up and then condemn people for catching up I'm not condemning I'm just saying what's happened have you been sent some DVDs

from the public no no I've just been thinking Kath and me said it's about time we watch some stuff rather than just you know, Buzz goes to bed and then we just argue for two hours. So we're trying to make it more practical. Try and get a hobby in the way of that.

But, you know, we've moved on to the second series of Broadchurch. No. And can I say... I've been told. I don't think it's quite as good as the first. Hashtag late review. So far, so far, but I haven't given up on it. I'm been told. I don't think it's quite as good as the first. Hashtag late review. So far, so far, but I haven't given up on it. I'm still watching.

That's the kind of guy I am, optimistic. Anyway, I went online shopping and I bought myself two new totes. New? You know I love a tote bag. Yeah. Yes, I do, and it's the campus thing about you. No, I do love a tote bag. I'm not sure about that.

I think... Yeah, what about this? You just have to trust me. You don't want to know what he was doing then. FYI. OMG. Okay. She just went past it.

Anyway, so you went online. Well, I'll tell you what's happened. And you heard it here first. The BBC shop is closing down. And I didn't realise that online things had a closing down sale. Hang on. What, the BBC shop is closing down online? It's not carrying on online?

No, it's gone. Oh. Well, it's gone on the 30th of March. I think it's all right to talk about the BBC on Absolute, isn't it? I don't know how interesting it is. I imagine it's... Are you allowed to? It's interesting if you're looking for a bargain.

Two totes, four quid each. The internet has bargained. Hold the front page. Also... I know, but... Totes are normally free. I've never paid for a tote in my life. Never paid for a tote?

Who here has paid for a tote? There's no such thing in life as a free tote. That's what they say. That's what I always say. Not even... I'm thinking of starting a shop called Toad's Marvellous. Do you think?

Toad's amazing. Yeah. So I got two. Here's one. Look. Okay, let's have a look. You know this is radio, guys. Yes, I know. Can we put the picture on social media? I'm going to paint a pen picture. I'll do it on Saturday. Oh, wow. That is beautiful. Do you know, Frank, that is actually really nice.

Yes, that's... It's a Doctor Who bag. It's a reproduction, I think, of a comic cover. It's the fourth Doctor, Toad. And as if there's any Germans listening, they'll say, the fourth Doctor is Toad? It means dead. Oh, does it?

Yeah. The idea of you click to buy on that, I find it so cute. Yeah, and I also got one that's got one of them Daleks on it as well. I bought a lot of stuff from the Doctor Who shop. Do you not do much online shopping normally then? No, I don't. He gets everything for free, doesn't he?

Oh, yeah, he does. I bought something. I don't get everything for free. He prefers it. He doesn't trust cash. He gets everything for free, doesn't he? Oh, yeah, he does. I bought something... I don't get everything for free. He prefers it. He doesn't trust cash. You like one of those... He doesn't trust online shopping. You like one of those bullseye winners.

You know, they had to give them the cash and they had to put it in a tankard. Exactly. I like... I think I bought... Years ago, I bought a denim jacket from a catalogue. That sounds nice. And it wasn't really when it came out. Wow, I'd love to catalogue. That sounds nice. And it wasn't really when it came out.

Wow, I'd love to see that. Skinhead escapes. You know that sort of denim that a shirt's made out of? So it's that very thin denim. Paul Charnbray. Well, I see I would not have... If you looked at it in the book, it looked fantastic. Yeah.

And that made me think... It made me think, oh, you can't trust that. You've got to be able to get your fingers around a garment before you... True. I'll tell you what I call that doll denim. Yes. They fashion...

I had a Fonzie doll, as you may remember, and the doll denim on that was an extraordinarily bad quality. Well, a friend of mine had a minicar with denim upholstery. Oh, that sounds great. And that was that very thin. Oh, no, that doesn't sound great. Is it patchwork? No, no, it was a plain denim.

OK. It's quite a heavy stitch, if I remember rightly. But we all did in those days. I don't think people get stitch anymore, do they? It used to be a very 1970s thing to get. You go running and say, oh, I've got a stitch. I've never heard anybody say that for 25... It's died out.

Why do you think that is? How could it have died out, the stitch? I mean, they're not prone to fashion, these stomach pains. It's strange. I would ask you to text him, but you can't today because we're not live. But do email us if you've had a stitch in the last 30 years. Daisy, our producer, just claimed that she had a stitch this week.

Do you not believe it? She wasn't even running. Yeah, but that would be such a pathetic thing to find. She said, I was just rushing to get my child to school. You don't get a stitch like that. Yeah, but she's, you know... You're a appendix at birth, madam. Yeah, but she's... Check it out.

She's carrying. She's got one in the oven. Oh, yeah. Oh, well, maybe that... I hadn't thought of that. Sorry. Sorry, everyone. I'm going to have to announce that publicly. Sorry, everyone. Is it public knowledge?

Yeah. Oh, thank God for that. I hope so. Look at her. Well, congratulations. I mean, she's got a big old bum there. Yeah, I thought she'd just had a couple of totes around her neck underneath that smock. I'm calling it a smock.

couple of totes around her neck underneath that smock i'm calling it a smock anyway um so i i was thinking about totes in general and i think what do you think about this for a theory i won't carry a tote unless it says something about me on it yeah i know what you mean i don't mean literally about me but when I looked at my tote collection today... 100. Do you want to see my tote? Yes, let's see. You've all seen my tote, anyway. Well, yeah. Let me see. The gentlemen

have. Okay. This is my tote. Oh, yeah, yeah. Emotional baggage. It says on my tote. There you are. That is very you. That's very you, because you're an emotional person and quite proud and upfront about that. 100. But also, I think it means baggage,

but also you're a person that has elegant baggage, if you know what I mean. Lovely. And crucially, I like to laugh at my baggage, I think. Yes. Well, I noticed I got one that advertises a bookshop. That's me, isn't it, saying don't be fooled by the accent.

Yeah. Dawn Books, I've got that one. It is Dawn Books. I've got a Dawn Books as well. Oh, you guys. And so that's a nice one. You could have a W.H. Smith one in Manchester. Maybe.

You know, I've got an Absolute Radio. I've got a couple of Absolute Radio ones. Oh, yeah. I said, the lovely thing about a tote is they fold. Have you ever done that? Yeah. Have one in your pocket, empty, folded. Go in and buy some shopping and people think,

no, you're in a mess. You think, I don't think so. And out comes the tote. Well, also, though, they're lint gatherers. The lint accumulates in the tote, I find. In the corners of the tote. Oh, yeah. I found a Farise chocolate cream in there the other day.

In the corners of the tote. Corking in my sleeve. That's my new single. So, um... Where does Alstom have all those? I've also got, can I just tell you, I've also got In the Heart of the Sea, a tote that was sent me free.

Do you know that film, In the Heart of the Sea? Are you going to keep rhyming? No, but if you've seen it, we know it came out before the 60s. No, I haven't seen it. I've got ages yet. It's a sort of, it's a whaling film, I think. Recent whaling film. Oh, I don't like whales.

Do you mean the mammoths? The creatures, yeah. You don't like them? No, I think they look like they're all friendly and they're actually quite a nasty piece of work. I think they only eat plankton. Well, I happen to know some very nice plankton. Yeah, well, plankton is God. That's what they use. That a graffiti you know and that's clapton sorry can we do that again are we fine what about actually can do it again

what about alan's totes um do you know what i have a totes and i'll i'll show you in a in a moment i think alan thinks they're a bit feminine. Well, let me... I've got one. It's not made of... That's not a tote. Hang on, hang on. Just you unzip my luggage. Oh, it's a tote within a bag. He's unzipping a tangerine nylon... I'm going to call it crossbody bag.

I hope I haven't lost it. Oh, here we go. We don't have time for these kind of delays. I can find it during the next song if you'd like. What have you got in there? It looks like John Darwin Canoe Man's luggage. Here it is. Look, it's in a little pouch and then out it comes.

It's in like a parachute material and it has a picture of a strongman. Of course it does. Look! Oh, you've managed to get some sort of butch tote. No, I was kidding. That's the sort of thing my mum used to get loose potatoes in. I don't think it is butch. My mum used to have a big shopping bag.

I mean, like one of those plastic shopping bags that, you know, I don't mean like what you get from the supermarket. No, I know the one you mean. Hard plastic with a zip. With a metal carrier, metal handles. And she used to go and get potatoes in it, but not in a plastic bag. They'd just be in the bottom of her shopping bag. The other stuff would be on top.

So there was always like about half an inch of soil in the bottom of my mum's bag. Just struck me. I'm living with a grave digger. Frank, I think we should take pictures when this shows out, so everyone can see our totes on the show. Okay. I can see my toes as well if they want.

Alan, can I ask you a question? I'm in totes agreement. Did you spend any money on that tote? It's so cheap, the fabric. I feel sick. Even I feel a little bit bilious and i'm not a fashion person i was given it as a gift for christmas it is like it is like it's just like a child now it was given to me by your family for christmas you're going to say a

child and we're going to feel so bad it isn't going to be by a child it's going to be someone who's a in the in the paratroop regiment, just in by the material. My wife and children. Lovely. Well, that's respect. I like it. I love it. Can I say, the only tote that lets me down, I noticed today,

was something I don't even know what it is. It says the Chocolate Festival. Does that ring any bells with you? Well, I work at Instar magazine. Of course it doesn't. Chocolate Festival. Well, what's it about? That doesn't say anything about me at all. If anyone knows, don't

text us. It's not your day, alright? Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Don't get me wrong. I have to do my joke. I'll tell you about when I was with Chrissie Hind and she said, I want to get some cakes and I said, don't get meringue.

If I said that to her, I imagine she'd go, huh. At best. Well, she's got a lot of calls out on Goth Help. Has she? She works with them. Oh, that's good. Yeah, she's a sort of an artist,

sort of an old estate. In the goth world. Yeah. That was a bit of a shot, by the way. I don't know if it's all right to talk about this, but Maria Sharapova and... Mm. I was taking her back.

Well, I think it's all right to talk about it, but it's a bit weird we've just had that. That was a bit of a shot. It just struck me. I don't know why I thought Chrissie Hyde and Maria Sharapova. Why? Peas in a pod. Because they're both druggies.

No, no, they aren't. They aren't. Hank. I mean, she's owned up that she took a pod. Because they're both druggies. No, no, they aren't. They aren't. I mean, she's owned up that she took a substance. Well, Chris Everett, late review, Chris Everett, said... I love his breakfast show. Chris Everett said

she doesn't have a lot of friends on the circuit, is how she put it. Sounds like me in stand-up. She's got amazing shoulders, though. Yeah. She just said she tends to isolate herself a bit. She's one of those. We all know performers like that,

which is why no-one has really come forward, perhaps, to defend her. Well, I feel a bit sorry for her, because if she'd been like some of those big, rich, high-profile people that had the sort of advisors and coaches and that, that would spot an illegal substance straight away, it wouldn't have happened. Yeah. Hold on a minute. So, anyway, I still think she's lovely.

I'm very forgiving. Oh, yeah. Of the beautiful. Some hot Russian babe you're forgiving. Absolutely disgusting. I don't know. You know, I love all things Russian. But, no, I'm thinking more of the shoulders.

What about the shoulders? It's a very neglected area of attraction, I think. Not me. I flaunt my shoulders. Do you? Don't I, Daisy? My shoulders were discussed at Absolute Radio. They were disgusting at Absolute Radio. They were disgusting at Absolute Radio?

No, they were discussed by Andy Bush. I've ruined mine with tote straps. Yeah. Overloaded tote straps. They're meant to be a handbag, really, I feel, the tote. The shoulders are this season's erogenous zone. Oh, they're really? Yeah.

Once again, I'm ahead of the game. You're right about everything I've told you. This couldn't have happened at the last time for Sharapov. You wear a top, and it's called a Bardo top. Oh, yes. Because of Brigitte Bardot. This is what she popularised. And the Bardo tops are, well, as you put it, Frank,

they're all the rage. Is it one of those that's sort of gingham, and it stops... You're going a bit Jane Russell, but it can be gingham. And does it stop just above the... I'll show you how it is. Oh, whoa! Emily just got her shoulders out.

Yeah, lovely shoulders. Mazel tov. I tell you what I'm wearing these days. What? I've been wearing a singlet for the last week. Oh, very Charles Hortry. Yeah, it does. I was hoping for Paul Newman or Bruce Willis,

but no, it has come out Charles Hortry. Can we specify underneath of the garments? Oh, yes. Or just around, like in a kind of a... Well, I did shave in it. Right. That's something that I've been struck to, because you can't really shave in a t-shirt. You end up

with a wet, you know. But I've realised there's room to manoeuvre. Yeah, well when you're shaving in a vest, you look in the mirror, it's the most man I've ever felt in my life. And there's room to manoeuvre in a singlet, you know, you can deodorise, you can shave, you're dressed.

It's making any sense. And I like the look, I look like a sort of, because I'm thin, at the top end at least, in the mirror, in a white singlet, I look like a 1950s British athlete. Oh yeah, it's very Roger Bannister. He's in it for the sport.

Well, I'm thinking maybe I work in light engineering in the week, but I've got a very understanding boss who lets me go to the big meets. Loneliness of the long distance runner. Yeah, that was a look. And after training you go to a nice pub and have some ciggies. Yeah. That's what they did in those days.

That's right. And people say, yeah, way Frank Goodrich, yeah, yeah. And that's it. And really you don't want to talk because you like to be, you know, with yourself after a big one. Yeah. We all do. But yeah, it was...

What do you wear the singlet with? Just on its own? No, I wear it on other things. No, but when you're doing your ablutions. Oh, no, then I just... I wear it with... Boxers, shorts? I wear it with a trouser.

Oh, OK. I think it looks better like that. If you just wear a singlet... So you wouldn't wander around on its own with the singlet? No, it's too close to Top Cat. Oh, says he of the lone pyjama top. I know, but that's when I'm sleeping. I'm not confronted with it all the time.

By the way, a singlet is a vest for anyone who doesn't... When I said I slipped into a singlet, I didn't... I don't mean a baby swan. For all those thousands of people that were thinking that. I don't think a singlet is commonly used, though. I've mentioned it to a couple of people who have just looked at me as if I was barmy. How old are they?

Millennials. I don't know, you can't always tell, can you, with people? No. You don't ID everyone you chat to, do you? No, I'm going to say maybe mid-30s, but it could be mid-40s. Oh, OK. Either way, it was a blank, blank page when the old singlet was mentioned.

I looked in the mirror, I think it would be Tuesday, and one of the sort of over-the-shoulder bits, what would you call them, the straps, one of the straps had slipped down quite provocatively. Straps? It's got a bit dirty. Do you know what I mean? I suppose it was the same shoulder thing that we were talking about. But it was great, you know.

It was just sort of sitting on the old TB scar. Well, I found it quite exciting and it was me. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Don't text us today because we're not live. And I hate that. Keep radio live, I would say.

But, you know, sometimes you just can't do it. You can follow the show on Twitter, though, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Won't cost you a wooden nickel. Ah, yes. So. So we should discuss a subject close to my heart, which is apparently Cristiano...

Is it your Iota? No. OK. Apparently Cristiano Ronaldo is struggling for friends at Real Madrid which I am I've often thought the downside to being a footballer

is that you have to spend all day with other footballers surely that would be taxing well it depends on the footballer but I mean in a group I always think that would be one of the brilliant things, is that you sort of retain your sort of schoolboy-ness until you're about 35.

Yes, that's why they're quite boyish. Of just being a bunch of blokes messing about, you know. Yeah, that makes me... Doesn't appeal? Oh, can you imagine how many times they flick towels at each other during a typical week? Well, I don't have to imagine, but that's another story. But that sounds great to me.

Because when you get it right, when you really get it right and tie me to perfection, I mean, it's a very satisfying art, towel flicking. Frank will happily talk to footballers all night. He was at my birthday once, Gary Lennon was there. I've got a photo of him. His face was... It was a picture, prank, wasn't it?

It was, as most photographs are. But I've photographed Gary Lineker many times. But there's always a point where I think, oh my God, it's Gary Lineker at some point in the evening. Yeah. Yes. I'm surprised how many of the nice ones fit in when actually there's, you know,

it's probably like 30 blokes in a squad. Just even the banter whilst they all go in that big bath after training you know, it's probably like 30 blokes in a squad. Just even the banter whilst they all go in that big bath after training. Oh, the bants. Imagine the bants. Oh, I am. Also, isn't one of the problems with him is that he's absolutely gobsmackingly

brilliant and people don't, they never love you for that. Oh, I thought you were going to say horrible. I know, he's, I don't, well he might be, but he's a fantastic footballer. Oh, he's horrible. The others must hate his, you know, superiorness. He's got some close friends. Are you sure?

Okay. Well, according to this article, he's only following four of his teammates on the social media. That's a shame, isn't it? I think it's a slightly flimsy premise for an article to be made. I know, but four teammates. I mean, that's, you know... I think one of his main problems is he over-gels. Oh, he does?

Right. I mean, he massively over-gels. I don't mean with people, do you? No, he doesn't gel at all, I think, but he really gels there. He's got a lot of product. And my thought, if he came over to me and said, you know, I'd be like, well, nice to come to your house for dinner.

That's never going to happen, Frank. He's not going to come over. Imagine him coming to your house. But if he did, I would think, well, that's an anti-Mercasa that'll never be... It won't be washable. That'll have to be thrown away. And if you've got a leather couch, can you imagine?

You'd have to go anti-Macassar on a leather couch. You'd have to. Yeah, I'd put Hessian down over the top. Like he's some sort of animal. Bacophile. Renanzlo's coming round. No, but you could not sit on an upholstered chair without leaving a shadow. That's impossible.

It's fine, though, because I've got a job lot of old British Rail anti-Macassars. Have you? The old carriages. Oh, I envy you that. I've got them on the internet, Frank, so youmacassars. Have you? The old carriages. Oh, I envy you that. I've got them on the internet, Frank, so you can get a lot of bargains if you're interested. You're right about the gel is too much. It's what I call nightclub owner.

And you can't put that much on a human being. I always think it looks like I might as well finish this jar because it's nearly done. Well, it is. So I'll put a bit more on than i normally put on and your feet i mean i don't know if it's the sort that would be like or the sort that would be but um no that that would put me i mean he might be a lovely bloke but i don't want that on my upholstery he's not a lovely bloke how do you know know that? Oh, good heavens, you just have to look at him.

At Manchester United, I won the Champions League and did not speak with Ferdinand Giggs or Scholes. Yeah, the clue is that you're using their surname as well. He doesn't even use their first name. He said, hugs and kisses don't count for anything. No, well, yes, I don't think you can judge your friends by the amount that footballers hug and kiss you after you've scored a goal.

Yeah. It's pretty unlikely. He did say one of the funniest things. He said, he said, it doesn't matter if Christian Bale comes to my house or has dinner at his house. We're all professionals. Love it.

It doesn't matter nutrition-wise. Did he say Christian Bale or Gareth Bale? Oh, did he say... Oh, he's such an idiot. He got Gareth Bale's name wrong. You're right, that's why they don't like him. I forget people's names wrong, they never forgive you. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, we was on about Ronaldo, that old anti-Micasa soiler. You know, I'd love it if someone chanted that was an abusive chant. Yeah. Anti-Micasa soiler Ronaldo. And Timica says, I love Ronaldo. You know, he said when he won the Champions League

with United, and I didn't speak with Ferdinand Giggs or Scholes, and you said he's only used their surnames. Do you think that's because he didn't know their first names, and he just read them off their shirt? Look how he messed up Gareth Bale's first name.

Yeah, yeah, you're right. In reported speech, granted. Ca calls them all by their surname. What's that? I don't have a great many friends myself, so I understand. How many would you say close friends you've got? Close friends. That doesn't count your partner and your children, by the way. No, no.

No, I wouldn't even consider putting my partner in that. Oh, thanks. No, that was a joke, obviously. Yeah. Go on. Oh, God. We can't just sit here while you mentally count them all. I'll pay for that when I get home. I'd say four.

Four? Yeah, probably four. That worries me. Is one of them christiana ronaldo well more importantly um hello what yes you're my feature in that four yeah you're you're you're one of my close friends but i mean we don't so how often do we socialize quite often every couple of weeks i come over every two weeks i'd say i see you outside office hours? I didn't know you were there. Is that you in the garden? Oh, I could come.

No, well, I could, yes. Am I allowed to be? But, I mean, I never socialise with Alan or Daisy, or certainly not with Sarah. She's young enough to be my granddaughter. She walked, she led me up the stairs when I arrived today, and she walked quite fast, and I was... I said, come on, walk a bit slower.

And she didn't realise that when a man walks up the stairs behind a woman in a skirt, he cannot drift any more than one or two steps behind her. Or she thinks, oh, yeah, I know what's going on here. So it's like being towed. Yeah. I don't mean off toward hall. I mean towed as in being towed. Yeah. I don't mean I've towed hard. I mean towed as in on

the road. Yeah. How many close friends have I got? Plenty. You think so? Yeah. Sixteen. That's a lot. That is a lot. I counted them. I don't know. Sixteen people by name. That is a lot. I've got a lot of love to give.

Yeah. An ex-partner of mine said to me You're going to end up like that Benny Hill She said Was he alright? I think he was alright She said like you know A big famous comedian But like desperately lonely

I thought I'll be alright Sounds great I'll take it no it's it's I'll tell you what I've got there's a lot of people

in my heart if you know what I mean but I don't feel any they remain I hold them in great affection even though they all live maybe no more than half an hour from my house i see them i haven't seen any of them for about three or four years wow how do you account for

that sloth laziness sloth i don't know him that well you know we've worked together but i couldn't just turn up at his house you say yeah what you here, man? He's been like that with me. Do you know, do you know Charlie's love? No. Okay. He's a very nice chap. Excuse me, Alan, how many close friends

do you have? Well, I counted this up and I'm rounding it down a million. Thanks for that. I'm rounding it down to a cool mil. No, seriously.

I was being serious. Why is that not... They see what this is. Alan doesn't like the personal stuff. Oh, does he not? No, I don't like it. So he deals with it by making a joke,

because he didn't want to deal with it. He absolutely... Evander Boggs. I thought I was on a comedy show. You thought wrong. Yeah, well, all comedy is truth. Just remember that. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You were asking how many real friends I have. Yeah, you were avoiding it. I wasn't avoiding it. Yeah, all right. And then you said, look, it's a comedy show. We're not asking you to name them. No, no.

The thing is, there are people... Stop evading it. How many friends have thou? No, I was... You know, Frank said he lives near to loads of people that are very close to his heart and that he... I have lots of friends that live quite far away from me, so I don't see them, and then I do,

and I really like them for a couple of days if you're visiting, you know, if you're in Bristol or, you know, the Lake District. Just answer the question, you're witness. What I'm saying is that you can then go, all right, we can leave it another three years and I'll barely get in touch with you. Isn't that fine? Isn't that allowed? I think it is, but I sometimes feel awful about it.

I think there's several people who are close to my heart, but they're rarely close to my hearth. Right. Get it? I love it when men meet their male friends for coffee. It just makes me laugh. When men say, should we meet for a coffee? It's just so weird when men do that.

What do you do? What do you talk about? Hi, mate. How are you? Yeah, I'm good, mate. Yeah, so keep him well? Yeah, mate, keep him well. I don't know if I meet any male friends for a coffee.

Would you ever do that? I would do it. Do you meet for coffee? Yeah, I do for a coffee. Would you ever do that? I would do it. Do you meet for coffee? Yeah, I do quite a bit. For me, coffee always means that it's going to get physical. When everyone says, do you want to come back for a coffee? Don't ever.

Don't you ever. If someone says, come back for a tea, I always think it's going to be lovely. We'll probably watch an old black and white alien comedy. But coffee's got a seedy... Well, I think coffee can be used if you want to... If you say meat for a drink, that sounds like there might be the conjugals later,

the sexuals later. Oh, can you say... She can say that! Daisy, can we say that? She said yes. Apparently, we're all out on a pre-record. You can't say it live. You can.

Rule number 34, isn't it? Yes. Rule 34. You've just, okay, you've just incorrectly identified Christian Bale. I think you're the one to be worried about. He's got a temper on him. Well, all the Bales, they don't make any difference to me. No.

So, anyway, I... Yes, I should make an effort with it, but I don't. But how many? What, do you have friends? But how many, Alan? I think probably ten. Ten?

Ten. Six. Four. Four. I've got four. What, have you cut all those other ones off? I'm seeing one later, definitely. He's safe.

I know one of your friends. I bank he's safe i know one of your friends him i know one of your friends yeah banked him i only know one of my friends do we know any of our friends truly it's i mean you know it's difficult i think a friend the definition you have lots of people you like and acquaintances but that you could make yourself a little bit heavy here very vulnerable with so you could be completely open and honest that you could make yourself, a little bit heavy here, very vulnerable with. So you could be completely open and honest, like you could cry in front of them. Here's Whitesnake.

I haven't said that for a few years. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.

Oh, I'll tell you what else I bought online. I bought three The Foretolds. What? The Foretold was... Do you remember I was in Doctor Who once? One of the support actors for Tops. Yeah. Do you remember I was in Doctor Who?

Yes, Perkins. Yes, well, do you remember there was a mummy in it? Yeah. Well, the mummy was called The Foretold. And... Strange name. The action figure of that mummy... Oh, yeah.

That's like four quid or something. I mean, like four quid for an action figure. Four quid for a four-told? Yeah. What were you expecting to pay? Five quid for a five-told. So I bought three of them. So hang on, you bought two totes?

Two totes, three four-tolds. OK, how much did you spend? That's this week's arithmetic question. I spent... I'll add in. Yeah, I'll add in. Will you work it out? 80-odd quid.

80? Yeah. I thought it was two totes and a four totes. No, I also bought some DVDs and some books. What DVDs were those? Disgusting. T-shirt. How did those DVDs come to £80?

Hey, this guy works hard. If he wants to treat himself to... Yeah, exactly. It's a closing down sale. Four four-tolds for two tote bags. Yeah, three four-tolds. I'm just questioning how we suddenly arrived at 80, Nicker. Look, he works hard, he plays hard.

Exactly. Right, in the BBC shop, but... Got to get off steam somehow. If that's your worst vice, you have a very lucky partner. That probably is my worst vice. And I will give up shopping at the BBC shop for next Lent.

That would be easy. So I thought I've got three of these, the four toads. They're horrible. Then I've got, I'll keep one in the box. Mint in box, MIB. As a souvenir. And one I can just have sitting on the bookcase casually.

And then one for Buzz to play with. Oh, that's nice for him. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think he's got a decaying corpse toy until then. So, yeah, I got a First Doctor T-shirt. Did I mention that? You First Doctor T-shirt. Did I mention that? You mentioned a T-shirt.

Well, hang on, so you got that as well as the foretold and the totes? Yeah, and three books. Sounds like you've got a lot more than you first let on. You're drip-feeding us. Once you start browsing on a closing down sale, you know what it's like? It's click, click, click. It's like knitting.

You know, Frank's been busy, hasn't he? Now the cheques have started rolling in and he's gone, I've got about 80 quid to drop on the BBC shop. Well, I'll tell you what, Al, he would have got free delivery with that. Normally over 50 it's free. Fair play to BBC shop. Free delivery in the UK.

Amazing. Whatever you buy. Oh, really? Even if if you got two totes, you'd get free delivery. You could buy a Capitamonte life-size horse. Still with free delivery. So they're moving the shop offline, but they've moved the television station online. Their business planning's

gone to... I think the theory is that they're now opening what they call... I mean, we shouldn't be advertising BBC products, but they're opening a sort of a Netflix-y thing and they're saying that the day of people buying DVDs is gone. True.

Not Frank. Series 8, Series 8 box set. They had two. This is the Blu-ray. Frank's buying up the old laser discs. That's his favourite medium. They had two. They had the normal Series 8,

and then they had Collector's Edition. I thought, look, I was in here. I bought both. You know, you've gone spend, spend, spend. Yeah, exactly. Who cares? Now I've got them, I just like holding them in my arms

instead of friends. And they're cheaper. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So on the subject of this, having the foretold on my bookcase, you'll be next to two other monsters, two Daleks. One on a hover boat thing. Right.

You know, those flying platforms. Yeah, yeah. And this is the nice thing about having your own room in the house, is that Kath would never allow those things in the living room. Right. Wouldn't she? No, because she'd say, grow up it's what she'd say how unreasonable of her but you know it's just somewhat lovely you know it used to be the shed

didn't it it did blokes used to go in the shed no it's a man cave have you heard about the man who's built an actual man cave there is a man who's done this he is, his name is Colin Furze, I believe. Colin Furze? So close. So close to being a heartthrob instead. He lives in a cave. He built a cave. Not a cave cave. Well, it's a basement cave

underneath his shed. So you go out into his garden in Lincolnshire. Lincolnshire? Lincolnshire. And then? Lincolnshire. Lincoln. And then there's a little step ladder, hidden trap door, if you like, when you walk into the shed. Oh, it's a bit The Lovely Bones. For my liking. I'm talking about Stanley Tucci.

He's excavated the entire area. A basement under his shed? Under the shed. So the idea is that he said when the baby arrives... Baby? He's... Got a baby on the way? Yeah.

Hold on, this has come out of nowhere, the baby. I assumed he was single. It's a man who lives under his own shed. He's got a family. I don't know if he lives under his shed. No, but he says he likes it because he won't have to be woken up

when the baby arrives. He can go out to the shed. How would that go down in your house? I wouldn't even dare to mention that. Or I would be under the ground, under the shed. Yeah, yeah. Same with you. Not in a basement.

Yeah, I don't think it's an ideal parenting policy. But, hey. He's got a flat screen TV in there. Of course he has. Drum kit. Drum kit. Drum kit is very first thought, isn't it? I don't think it'd be my first thought. Games console.

Games console, I know. And ejector bed. Ejector bed? Has he really? That must be nice for his wife. Just getting the ejector bed installed. What is it? I don't know it's an ejector bed.

It's like a James Bond type thing. So does it shoot you out of bed in the mornings is it? I don't know it's an ejector bed. It's like a James Bond type thing. So does it shoot you out of bed in the mornings? Well, I don't... Fortunately, I have no experience of it yet. You just wake up in the shade. No, you just shoot up into the shade. Yeah, it's this guy Wallace and Gromit. Is that what's happening?

Wake up, your hands are already on the vice. I'm not sure about this cave i actually i if i'm going to be totally honest it sounds brilliant i'd love really i'd love a basement under my shit oh come on make it look nicer have you seen it's all industrial it looks like someone who's paid off the screws no but that's because it's male isn't it yeah yeah exactly i think that's why they're calling it man cave as well, not woman cave. I don't like the idea. I'd have it lovely in there. Yeah, me too.

I've got a Child of Prague candle in my room. I don't know what that is. You know the Child of Prague? No. You mean Child of Jago? No, not Child of Jago. What is that?

That's that shop where they... That's that shop with the big hats. ...have the dandy after the apocalypse clothes. Is it called the Child of Jago? I thought it was... Child of the Jago, isn't it? Oh, that's right, yeah. Just trust us, it's a fancy shop in...

There might be branches in the north. No, there won't be. If there are, they'd have been torched by now. And the people chased out of town like dogs. That's no bad thing, northerners, that you haven't got Child of the Jago, trust me. Well, they'd be tired and feathered. They'd be saying, this is actually all right. What's Child of Prague?

Child of Prague is a manifestation, I think, of the baby Jesus. And I've never been to Prague, but someone brought me one back, so I've got a big candle. So in my man cave under the shed, I'd have that maybe, you know, a nice hassock and a pew. That's for a spiritual corner. Sounds very Spartan. Why are you so ecclesiastical down there?

Just that corner. Just a corner. Although nobody puts the child of Prague in the corner. You'll remember if you've seen the film. Do you like the idea of a man cave then, Al? Not massively. I mean, I like the idea of... Surprise me.

I like the idea of the retreat, but I'm not as blokey as some, I don't think. I think you wouldn't get a punch bag. Yes. Yeah, that would be good, actually. Let's get one of those police targets. Oh, yeah, that'd be good. And do you know what I would have in there, though,

is a little trampoline, and when I was in it, I would just remove the stairs so that anybody that tried to get in jumped down, bounced and boom, straight back up. Then I could... I thought the trouble is you'd be on that and the neighbours would say, oh, Alan's in the shed.

Oh, no, he isn't. Oh, there he is. There he is. There he is. Oh. Yeah, but other than that, you know what I would like a man cave full of? Women.

That'd be good, wouldn't it? Aye. Full of women. Aye! Aye, what's happened? Hey! Full of women. Hey! Hey, what's happened? What's this show? Have we gone back 40 years in time? Well, I just think it's all a bit blokey.

I think it'd be great to have some women in there. That's exactly what you don't want in a man cave. No, that's the point of it. We don't want you in our cave. Eh? Well, who says I'm in? That's a bit straight to the point yeah so it's good to know where you stand on these things otherwise you can make a damn fool of yourself i just mean i'd want a cave and i want a cave well we do but guess what we want other women in there

you just want to be on your own. So does Al, yeah. He's disgusting. We want to be in our cave. He's after that Sheila from number 36. She's having an affair with the milkman whilst we're back in the 70s. So, for example, Daisy's Very Woman Cave. We would have you in the cave together. I'd have lots of scented candles, sheepskin.

I know it sounds clichéd, but listen, I'll tell you what we'd do. We'd talk about relationships 24-7 and I'll tell you what we'd do if we were her. And I can't believe she did that. And she's only with him because we'd do, we'd have a lovely long chat about things. See that's the difference. I think men get more solitary. I think I'd like that better than the games console with this guy. We'd have magazines. Really? Oh, yeah, and the drum kit. Put on a kit on the drum kit. Don't tell me Kath wouldn't like that.

Having a chat with us and magazines and relationship talk. I don't think Kath would want a scented candle in her woman cave. Can we cut that? You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner and... Frank Skinner, Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Don't text the show, we're not here.

I know. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website, if you will. We need to talk hecklers again. I know they've come up quite a few times, but there's an unusual thing happened this week where Lawrence Fox,

the actor, and I say that because he does sound like that, doesn't he? He's very actor. Well, he's part of a dynasty, isn't he? He's a fox. Yeah, he's Foxy Bingo's. I think he was in a dynasty. He's one of the Foxy Bingo people. He must be rich.

Yeah, he is part of an acting dynasty, and he lost his temper and swore at a heckler. He did. Whilst doing a live play. Never seen a live play get a heckler before. He broke character, loves. He what? He broke character.

He did break character. Oh Oh my god, when Spotlight get hold of this, it's going to be all across the You don't get a lot of heckling at the theatre. I once went with a drunken friend to see a play about Henry VIII and he just found the bloke who was playing Henry VIII hilarious. And

every time the bloke spoke, he was really laughing out loud. It was terribly embarrassing. And I was drunk as well. Oh, that's a nice story. Tom Conti, who was on stage at the time with Lawrence Fox, when he spoke, he used expletives, didn't he, to this man, and then he stormed off stage, leaving poor old Tom standing there. But Tom said afterwards, heckling is becoming much more

frequent. Really? Because he says people are so used to watching experiences like that on their own. They're not used to watching live performances. In the man cave? In the man cave on their iPhones and they're used to shouting at the telly and things. Well, come on now. Well, this is what Tom said.

There was 200 people in the audience. If you gather 200 people together in the United Kingdom, there's going to be, by the law of averages, one person who is despicable. There just is. One in 200. Yeah, but why do I have to keep meeting them? No, but it's true.

Everything you go to, there's people you think, what, shut up? I know. But this bloke, to his credit, I don't know this heckler. No. But he bloke, to his credit, I don't know this heckler. No. But he did do a fantastic... Did you see what he said? Did you read about his actual heckle?

Yeah, I got a bit confused by it. Tell us what he said. Because we should say Lawrence was playing Charles de Gaulle. Charles de Gaulle he was playing. The former president of France. And this bloke, I can't do the full thing because the first word begins with he sold him to something off

yes the heckler said so he said something off to Columbe les deux anglais which is where Charles de Gaulle lived

oh so he was heckling the character I mean the knowledge if you're going to heckle Charles de Gaulle lived. Oh, so he was heckling the character. No, but that's a fabulous, I mean, the knowledge of, if you're going to heckle Charles de Gaulle, I mean, I think I'd have got down and gave him a hearty handshake. What a brilliant, if I, if somebody shouted at me,

something like, shouted at me, go back to, go back to Bristol Hall Road, Albury Worley, West Midlands. What would you do, honestly? I'd be impressed by their level of research. Would you? I mean, I didn't. You needn't have swore at the beginning.

But what if you're appearing in one of your little plays, like Art, and then you had to be serious for that? It's not like when you're doing a stand-up skit. I know that's a bit difficult, but hey, actor. That's what I want to say to him. Hey, actor.

Welcome to my world. I thought it was his acting being heckled. No, it was... Sheldon Gore was being heckled. It was a classic late review. He decided he wasn't a fan of Sheldon Gore. Oh, marvellous. Maybe I should go back to the theatre if it's loosening up a bit.

I haven't done a... I was offered bottom in Regent's Park. Oh, my God. But Kevin's face has gone home now, of course. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've just performed at the Glasgow Comedy Festival this week. Oh, yeah.

And it reminded me, actually, of a previous heckling episode that I had there a few years ago. Yeah. I was in the middle of my show, and two guys got up and stropped out. I'll say it, they stropped out. And I said, oh, how come they've gone? And then somebody that was working on the front desk said, oh, your act wasn't gay enough.

Apparently my act wasn't gay enough. I have said that before about your act. And it turned out that I'd been listed in Scott's Gay, the LGBT... But what I like is that I was talking about my wife and children during the stop. Well, not to rub their noses in. But when they say my act wasn't gay enough... Is that how you you tell them i'd quite like it if they'd stopped out saying his act is too straight but

actually what they said was it's not gay it's still a bit gay yeah but i don't know what what it says about my show that they thought it wasn't gay enough when you said why did you just refer to her as she maybe okay because i'm just saying that can give off the wrong impression. Yeah. Maybe it's another gay set where you are, you know, you are a sort of, your persona. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think you can do that anymore, Fran. Would that be all right? This is Bran's boy. This is a bloke playing a woman. Yeah, but it's different. So, surely a straight man could play a gay man. We're all swapping roles one after the next.

You said when we're all. We're all. That is pathos. I don't know. I believe that, do you remember that Duncan Norvell who used to say,

chase me? Yes. He wasn't gay. Really? No, it was just that was his persona. Oh. Yeah.

And that was in the forward thinking Look, I'm not suggesting it. I don't want to do anyone out of work. But it's a strange tale and no mistaking. And what makes me think about, if somebody was really obnoxious in a comedy club, often someone would come over and say,

come on, get out, you know. But the trouble is, no one that works in a theatre is the sort of people that's going to be able to back up security. That's right. We got chucked out of a fringe theatre when my class, there was quite a few of us misbehaving. OK. And it was Romeo and Juliet.

And we thought we were being funny, and someone said cheers when they drank the poison. It was all that sort of stuff. Oh, I went to see... Spoiler alert. I was in Malvern, and I went to see... Spoiler alert. I was in Malvern, and I went to see the Scottish play. Oh, yeah.

And you know that bit when he says, is this... Take the high road, the live version. Balamory life. When he says, is this the dagger I see before me? Oh, yeah. And he sort of, you know, reached up into the darkness. What happened? And this kid behind me said, And he sort of, you know, reached up into the darkness. And this kid behind

me said, not deliberately heckling, just saying, you should have had one on a string. Which was a reasonable set suggestion. But it was too loud. The actor didn't look, but I saw him tremble. Which is always fun.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Once we're talking about the theatrical play that Tom Conti and Lawrence Fox was in, I went to see Twelve Angry Men earlier this year. No, it was last year. With my mother and wife. And it was at the Salford Lowry, very famous production. Had stuff.

12 Angry Men. Yeah. Finished. We watched the whole thing. My mum walking out said to me, that mean guy looked really like Tom Conti, didn't he? I said, yeah, it was Tom Conti. She told me it was just a lookalike, a coincidence. Was it the Martin Shaw production as well?

He wasn't in the one I saw. He might have been recast, you know, because he probably had some else to do. Do you remember I walked past the theatre in the West End? I've worked with him, love. I've worked with Martin Shaw and the professionals, love. Did you really? I worked with him in A&E, Always and Everyone. Oh my God, Frank, have you ever worked with Martin Shaw?

He's worked with them all. No, I haven't worked with Martin Shaw. I was doing the whole Kevin Bacon thing. Sorry, everyone. The exception that proves the rule. No, I've never worked with Martin Shaw. I was doing the whole Kevin Bacon thing. Sorry, everyone. The exception that proves the rule. No, I've never worked with Martin Shaw. Yeah, but that would have been perfect. Well, you know, life's never perfect, is he? That's the spirit. One thing I've learnt, nothing in life...

Enjoy your cornflakes. Nothing's 100%. OK? I got that from the autobiography of Niall Quinn. Nothing's ever 100%. Yeah. And it sounds like a simple thing, but it's so true. I mean, Niall.

He hit the Niall on the head. He really did. Very large bottom Niall Quinn had. Do you remember? Did he really? No, that's Michael Gove. No, and Niall Quinn. They're so oft confused.

Yeah. And Niall Quinn. Google him. I'm just thinking about those people from the theatre coming over to tell me. You know those people that sell your tickets who've got like a Starlight Express sweatshirt on? Yeah. Character spectacles. Coming over and saying, can you leave please to that man?

Get back to Le Monde. Anyway. Yes. Tom Conti said about that, Al, sorry, he said after that incident, the heckling incident, Tom Conti said, do you know, it's one of those incidents that actors will tell for years

to come. Really? I know. That's already, he's turning it into an anecdote. Yeah, I like that he's planning ahead. And I like the fact that Laurence Fox's dad said, maybe you should prepare a little speech for next time. And if I know actors, and I do, they'd be like, God, more lines to learn.

That's just what I need. I want to know more about the heckler, though. Do we have any information on him at all? He seems to be, he's a mysterious figure in this story. Not a clue. He wasn't spoken to by anyone. No-one's really explained why he was upset. Was he drunk?

You love an underdog, don't you? Sound like assembling a team of detectives for some cold case. I mean, a bloke who can heckle Charles de Gaulle at that level. He sounds... Yeah, he sounds interesting, doesn't he? I think other actors have been told not to approach him if they see him. Anyway, in case they get a difficult review of something they did recently on Sky. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. We were talking earlier on about how many friends we've got, and I'll tell you something, Frank Skinner, that I was on the phone to a friend of mine, Emily Dean, this week. We speak sometimes. Spoke on the phone, and... It was a lovely chat, that. It was a nice chat.

It was a nice chat. Slightly dampened for me by the fact that... I feel like I'm Cristiano Ronaldo and you're Paul Scholes and Ferdy. Thanks for that. Halfway through it there was a weird scratching sound in the background and I thought

what's going on there? What's going on? And I said Emily, are you cleaning whilst you're on the phone to me? And she said yes I'm scrubbing my poof, darling. I had a spot on my poof. Oh, OK. But she'd started... Was it leather?

No. Not from the sound of scraping, honestly. I think it must have been a hessian. You know the fabric spray cleaner? Oh, was it spraying? Yeah. I was spraying, and then... You look baffled by fabric spray cleaner.

I don't know if I've... Are anyone else familiar with this? Yeah, thank you. You're OK, Frank. What's the design of this poof? Is there a picture or is it just some sort of pattern? Well, you can remember it.

You have been to my abode, but you forgot. It's where you put your legs on, so it's a square, it's a rectangular... I know what it is. I just don't remember what... OK, I'll show you a picture in a minute.

You've got a picture of your poof on there. I always carry pictures of my poof. But what she doesn't know is that she was multitasking whilst on the phone to me and I thought that's a bit cheeky but I was in a full squat position whilst chatting. Why? Did you sound a bit

echoey? No I wasn't but I was right down giving myself a stretch. Very good for one the full squat. You weren't. I was. I think that's quite horrible, actually. I'd rather you know that. How wide do you go on a squat?

I'd reenact it for the social media, but I think my jeans might be a bit tight around my thighs today. Right. I'll try. Yeah, I go... Do you do that thing where you stand with your feet together and then you move them out? No, I just sort of...

I think they're probably about shoulder width apart, and then I put my bottom onto my heels, as it were. Yeah? Yeah. Feet flat on the floor? Yeah. Good. That's what I was up to.

Like when you're in China, you see those old women at bus stops. Very good for them. Oh, yeah. Squatting down with their heels flat on the floor. That was once I did that. Yeah, I know. But then, I've had a real spate of it, because I was then on the phone to my wife the next day,

and I said, what's going on in the background? She said, I'm making spag bol. Making spag bol whilst I'm on the phone. Well, that's the modern world. Well, it got worse. Exactly, we go to the toilet, there's all sorts going on. Well, the next time I spoke to her... I won't take a call on the toilet.

I will. No. The next time I spoke to her... Now you know. This far and no further, that's my motto. The next time I spoke to her... Now you know. This far and no further. That's my motto. The next time I spoke to her, I'm in the middle of the chat and I heard this enormous gushing

sound, like properly like... And I said, are you doing the toilet whilst on the phone to me? And she said, no, I'm pouring out the tank from the tumble dryer. That's what she was up to whilst... This is how little people listen to a word I've got to say. Well well i think it's the classic thing that women can multitask i'm a i'm a woman of very little time i have to grab every moment while i can is this a song

sounds like that you know the spoken bit at the beginning of that all science You've spoken me at the beginning of that all-science bit. I'm a woman of very little time. Have to grab every moment I can. Except I didn't sound like I'd once spent three months in America. No. Yeah, so sometimes I need to have a brief... Have you never... Are you seriously telling me, Frank? The amount of phone conversations we've had,

you've never once been on the toilet when you've spoken to me? Never. Really? I haven't been on the toilet since 1998. That's why I haven't got any friends. No, you said to me once, one thing that you hate is you're on the phone and you can hear. Oh.

Oh, yeah. I feel sick when people do that. What's the difference? That's my question. No, actually, that's my question no actually that's my question I do painting by numbers it doesn't require you're not going to get distracted when you're on the toilet

I don't it's just I'll tell you what I have done when I've been on the phone I've said something funny in conversation and written it down oh you have, have you? I thought, that's usable. I find that one very believable. Well, some comics would write down what I've said.

Well, yes. I wouldn't, darling. I know you wouldn't. But, um... Others. I'll tell you who would. That g... Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I haven't discussed this week one of my favourite stories, which was a revenge story. And I do like a bit of revenge. But this, did you read about this? This character demanded the iPhone he'd bought an ex back from her. And she refused. And so, I mean, it was a bit

unclassy, come on. You've given it now, leave it. Well, I think the problem was he was still paying rental on it, wasn't he? So he probably felt he hadn't really given it ever. It was the sort of iPhone rented by his girlfriend, if you know what I mean.

Yes. So he took matters into his own hands when she refused and he erased all her data. He did it remotely. I didn't know you could do that. That must be a satisfying feeling. He said, have a nice day, hashtag phoneless. I mean, good.

That's rubbing it in, isn't it? This, in their exchange of texts, her horror at the concept of being phoneless did sort of startle me a bit. It was honestly like life was unimaginable as a phoneless person. You know, your medieval man, he either met someone or he didn't. He went for a walk. That's true. It's all right.

Yeah, but it's a desperation. She says something like, you don't expect me to be phone-less, do you? As if, can you imagine such a thing? Yeah. I'm glad you said that, because I received a text from my phone supplier today, and it reads, Hi Alan, if your phone is your whole world, imagine if something happened to it. With full cover you can relax because if anything

happens you can get a replacement for the next day for more info click here i replied even though i knew that it was going to come up saying you did not reply i replied i replied anyone has replied i reply to those things all the time i reply to who does that reply go to nobody it's a complete waste of time but i find it good fun. I replied, I can totally imagine that, but my phone isn't my whole world, so I'd just replace it. Hashtag stoic. Why are you wasting material on him? He doesn't good.

No, I like that, though. You must go to a computer. If someone sent me a thing and said, if you're phoned your whole world, I wouldn't deal with that company again. Yeah. The idea that they'd think that I could be such a person. Awful. Yeah, it's not my whole world.

He then got into a text exchange with the... Sorry, Frank. I wonder if I should get back to that chap who's been handling my PPI thing. Does he contact you quite a lot? He does quite a lot. And that one who... There's a bloke helping me out with an accident. I can't even... Can't even remember. Did you have a lot? He does quite a lot. And that one, there's a bloke helping me out with an accident. I can't even

remember. Did you have an accident? Well, I don't remember it, but this happens with accidents, yeah. You know, I don't drive in a helmet. Do people still drive in a helmet? Would it be alright to drive in a helmet just normally around the street? Does anyone ever drive in a helmet?

It's not a bad idea to drive in a helmet. No, it's not. Who drives in a helmet other than the... Skid Solo used to. Who's Skid Solo? Skid Solo was a racing driver in British comics in the 60s and 70s. You know that sort of... Pretty good reference for nowadays.

Do they wear one in that car, star, in a cheap car? Oh, star in a reasonably priced car. Do they wear a helmet? Yeah, I think so. I think so. Let me think back to when I watched Top Gear. Oh, never. Oh, yeah.

So, I don't know. I think I might get one of those full-face crash helmets. Yeah. And a convertible. You'd be absolutely ridiculous. I'm always amazed you can go on a bus and there's no seatbelts. Why is that all right? Well, you're going to be on the bus with a crash helmet

and it's going to be so embarrassing. It's bad enough when you and Adrian Charles go on that motorbike together, Wallace and Gromit. I went to... Adrian Charles did this thing at the BFI, the British Film Institute, where you show a film that's changed your life. And I thought I'd show him some support. So we did Sergeant York

with Gary Cooper. It's a long film. It's a long film. How did you find the film? He was quite a moose. I went up to him and gave him a big hug and I said that you owe me two and a quarter hours. So I'm going to hold him to that. It's a lovely film but come on,

get on with it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Wouldn't it be great if you could remotely turn off all the stuff that was yours that people had? Like if somebody's borrowed a book ages ago and now they go and look at it, and it's either sealed shut or they open it

and it's just blank pages like Harry Potter or something. Or someone nicks your car you can just slam the brakes on. Remotely. Or just steer it. Oh, that'd be good. She wouldn't know where they were.

Drive them to the jail. Like Knight Rider. That moment when they realised that they weren't controlling the car anymore. It'd be worth having it nicked. I'd probably just leave the door open. Ah, yes. The terrible thing about this story is they must have

been in love, these people, that he got her a phone. It's that moment when summer turns to autumn. And suddenly you're remotely shutting down their device. Me and Kath had a row once about the internet and she said oh i won't use the internet anymore i said okay then you won't she said i don't want i don't even need the i said okay so i went i didn't even know how easy it was to just close someone's account completely shut the whole thing down yeah and uh so i didn't

tell her i'd done it. And about two hours after I thought, oh my God, I shouldn't have done it. That was pretty extreme. And she had all this iTunes stuff. You didn't wipe it off? And it all just went. Yeah. And when she got back on, it didn't ever come back again. Wow.

I mean... Still gets brought up occasionally. Yeah. Surprised that you've broadcast that. I bought her... I bought... On a similar... I bought Kath an iPod for Mother's Day. She's absolutely...

iPad, rather. Oh, yeah. I was going to say iPod late with you. Yeah. Well, I don't know about Sergeant York. A bit long, the Guardian. I... It's hot in here, isn't it?

Is it hot? Yeah, it is. I think I could do one of those armpit things now. Yeah, but we nearly don't. Tell me the story. So I bought her an iPad for Mother's Day. She's absolutely furious. She had one anyway.

No, she had an old one, one of those big ones. Oh, okay. She hasn't even opened it. I can't work out what I've done wrong. Furious. How do you know? When you say furious, what do you mean? Just like she went...

I think it means angry. Yeah, but his idea of furious. Earlier today, I was trying to show her the apps and all that kind of stuff, and I sat next to her with this iPad, trying to lead her into it, and she just looked straight ahead. You know, when you're on the train and the man next to you starts unbutton with his iPad, trying to lead her into it. And she just looked straight ahead. You know, when you're on the train and the man next to you starts unbuttoning his trousers

and you just look straight ahead like there's nothing happening. It was like that. No, there's no explanation. Don't even try. No, I was just wondering who's going to get that iPad. You could have it. I don't need it, darling. I've got money.

I didn't mean you. I meant him. Well, I'll keep it. He's taking his gift back. Make a nice coaster. Oh, I thought you don't need it, darling. I've got money. I didn't mean you. I meant him. Well, I'll keep it. He's taking his gift back. Make a nice coaster. Oh, I thought you meant me. Place, Matt. You know what?

If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.