The Frank Skinner Show - Traditional Lypsyl

Episode Date: April 2, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank had an awkward walk with Cath and took Buzz to a film premiere. The team also discuss That Slap, bespoke soap and mumbling actors.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via Frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. You know what I thought, done, I followed the mock-up, thought it was a wedding. That's what people used to say.

I believe them. You know the cake adverts, naughty but nice, do you remember those? I believe them. Was it? I think it was written by Salman Rushdie. Salman Rushdie?

Can I just say I think it was for cream, possibly, fresh cream. Although I do like the idea of there being a cake advertising board. People just advertise for cake. Oh, you're right, it was fresh cream. Yeah, that would be good. Naughty but nice. Yeah. He did a few, I think.

I think there's a few famous Rush D slogans. Who is it? Who is it was one, I think. Anyway. Frank, can I just say something to you? We've had a number of people getting in touch this morning, very excited about the Winter World Cup. Oh, yeah.

There have already been some requests. OK. I'm just putting it out there for you. Given, for example, we've had Chris Fares. Given that we're having a Winter World Cup, how about a three-lines Christmas remix for the tournament? Throw in a few bells and all that, and you've got an easy football-slash-Christmas twofer.

Yeah, my main problem with the Christmas World Cup is that Turkey haven't qualified. Oh, yeah. This is the sort of stuff that ruins comedy, isn't it? People not making an effort. Yeah. I can't comment on that, basically. I understand.

So, there you go. I understand. I understand. Oh, wow. Well, there you go. I understand. Oh, wow. Well, we've got an early complaint, actually. Oh, now, what is it? Dermatitis. I hope you're feeling...

Have we got to guess what it is? I hope you're feeling robust, Frank. Okay, go on. I think it's picking you up on a pronunciation. 096 has texted, Frank, I don't know how many times I've tried to tell you, it's aide-memoire, not aide-dee-memoire.

Oh. Aide-memoire. I'm going to write that down. Aide. I made the same mistake with menage-a-trois. Oh, when was that? Would you care to elaborate?

No. I always think it's a very good idea, a menage a trois. Not in a physical way, but just, you know, for voting. You know, couple voting, one of the big problems is there's two of you. Constant stalemates. If you're in a menage a trois, things just move more smoothly. Okay. Anyway, I've written more smoothly. Right. Okay. Anyway, I've written it down.

Breaking news this morning. I hope that's not taken out of context for Hank. No. If you're in a menage a trois, things just move more smoothly. No, but people think it's all about the physicals of menage a trois, but there's lots of, you know, two of you go out and someone watches a dog.

Yeah. It's great. It's a great scheme. More banter. Yes, does anyone else want to listen in? Drop us a... No, don't. No, but look, I don't think it's necessarily a sordid thing.

I think it's a modern world. And also, there's a housing shortage. So many reasons for an MT. The modern world. Yeah. This is the modern world isn't it? Anyway listen, it was, it was, I got up yesterday and my son is in tears. Why? And Kath holds up a COVID test and there's the old double red line. So that's that. Then I noticed he's in tears and he's knocked over a cup of tea on the table. And I didn't want to say, why are you? Because he was in tears.

So I had to just pick it up. When I reached for it, the tea was a piece of plastic cut into the shape of a puddle of tea. And I said, hold it. is this an April Fool's joke? And he went, yes. I said, aren't. I said, hold it. Have you actually got it? And he went, no, it was a joke.

When I looked at the COVID test, there was a red biro line being drawn on the thing. And it was most upsetting, I must say. Earlier in the day, remember, this was like half seven in the morning. Earlier in the day, he'd been typing something on his mom's laptop. And for some reason, he'd slammed it down.

And when he picked it up, all the screen had cracked. Except it hadn't, he'd put a transfer. I mean, you couldn't move in the house for pranking. So anyway, that was my start to the day. Was that the first link? Can I just say? What happened to it? Let's compare.

I've lost all sense of time. Wasn't that about a minute and a half? I think we devoted quite a lot of time to Menage a Trois. Oh, yeah. That's the trouble. They do take up a lot of time to Menage a Trois Oh yeah, that's the trouble They do take up a bit more time in some aspects Me and my partner

went to see a friend of the show, Tim Key this week at the Salome Theatre and cat said why don't we walk into town it's about an hour and a quarter why don't we walk in and we have a good chat so i thought it was nice nice thing lovely so um just as we was leaving, she went to the toilet and then launched into a harangue. And she doesn't normally eat cake. She launched into a harangue about what, let's call it my toilet accuracy. Uh-oh.

You know the old male-female argument. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. So we walked into town and for the first 45 minutes we didn't speak at all because we'd had an argument. We just walked side by side, probably three feet between us, head glowering.

Glowering, I think is what it was. For the state funeral procession. Yes, it was only broken when we stopped at Superdrug on Cat's constant quest for traditional lip seal, as she calls it. Not one of these newfangled offshoots of lip seal, but the old, the royal blue tube. Couldn't get it. Couldn't get it.

No. blue tube couldn't get it couldn't get it um so we went to see um tim key in his show mulberry which is basically about lockdown to my horror he still wasn't doing a joke about lockdown and key even though i told him that that was an opportunity he doesn't play on the key a lot him that that was an opportunity he doesn't play on the key you're not he won't um he won't take my advice and what i talked about him doing uh uh a greatest hits package called tk max come on that's good yeah but now it's sniffy about it some people don't want the help do the too proud yeah anyway, it's very funny. I hardly thought of any improvements. Oh, fine. You know, these stories make me so ill.

I didn't see him after, so it was safe. I'm over it now. Why do you think you didn't see him after? Do you think maybe he made a hasty getaway because he'd been on the receiving end before? Because he went 20 minutes overtime. That's why I didn't see him after. You know, some of us got uh babysitters

i sent him a text that said sorry we didn't hang around time is money that's what the text from the babysitter said oh thank anyway i'll tell you what i didn't know about mulberry yeah um i didn't know it was a fashion brand. Right. Did you? You knew that. Did I know that Mulberry was a fashion brand? Yes. Yes, I did. You see, I thought, where does Burberry fit into that then?

Are they? Is it like Kentucky Fried Chicken and Kennedy Fried Chicken? Have you ever seen Kennedy Fried Chicken? Picture of JFK. And, of course, they can use the KFC logo. Is he like that? Like Dixie Fried Chicken. So I thought there was Burberry, and that was the only famous fashionable berry.

In what context? Does he discuss the brand of the show? No, but when I looked up the show to see what time, well, basically to see what the tickets would have cost if we hadn't got comps. Like when Bob Monkhouse gave me a watch at lunch. He was really kind and I was really thankful for him. I walked 50 yards to the nearest jeweler

to get valued oh and the jeweler actually said to me like being in an old joke he said we could needs it could do with a um you know a bit of a uh a thing chains are back he said um and uh he said but we'll have to re if we reseal it, you'll be able to swim in here. I said, that's fantastic. I can't swim. I got nothing from him at all. Absolutely zero response. So here's the thing.

I went into the toilet in my house and Buzz said, I went in with Buzz and the floor was flooded with water and I realised it hadn't been me. It was, so I called Cathy and I thought this is my triumphant moment. I said, there you are. It wasn't me who made the floor wet.

She went, oh, no. And Boz said, April Fool. And he'd put loads of water on the floor. I mean, one joke you're supposed to do, that's it. That's four years worth. He'll realise when he starts doing comedy professionally. You don't want to use it all up in one go. I mean, how does it feel like

to not be the chief prankster? No, I love it. I love it. If anyone else had replaced me, you know, I love it. Did we sort out what Mulberry is, by the way? Well, I didn't need to sort it out. Is it a well-known brand? Yes, it's very well-known it out is it a well-known brand yes it's very well it's

definitely a well-known brand even al knows it i'll tell you what it is frank it's uh are you familiar with the i think they're best known for their leather goods yeah don't get too excited no no i was obviously i i associated that with a world of leather. Don't text all your SNL community friends. They're associated very much with the handbag. It's a high-end... Oh, a handbag? Is that right? OK.

A high-end handbag in the sort of satchel vibe. No, I like a satchel. The Alexa. Are you familiar with the Alexa? No. Sorry to everyone at home who's now having issues with Alexa. I won't say it again. Yeah.

Alexa. Oh, oh. Anna Friel was the face of Mulberry for such a long time. Is that right? There you go. Anna Friel. I actually have a.... And a frill. Wow. I actually have a...

I have a vintage... Sorry. That was accidental. Carry on. I have a vintage mulberry suitcase that I really like. Do you really? Do you? Yeah.

Oh, I've actually, as we speak, I've got a Birkin handbag over my shoulder. Yeah. I haven't. I haven't. I've got a Birkin handbag over my shoulder. Yeah. I haven't. I haven't. I quite like a Birkin handbag. Don't know what Birkin is. Well, they're named after Jane Birkin.

Lovely. Serge Gainsbourg's girlfriend. Most expensive handbag in the world. It starts at £10,000. Wowee. Okay. And then if you want straps and buckles... You'd better call Frank's friends.

Exactly. John Hopkins has... Hopkins! One of our regulars. Morning all. Not able to listen to the show live today as I'm unbelievably visiting a sanctuary for misused apes in the Brecon Beacons this morning.

Wow. Talk about life-imitating art. That Oscar Wilde knew what he was talking about, didn't he? Frank, your views on this? In what way is that life-imitating art? Well, I assume the art he's referring to is when you conceived of a... I think you said misused apes. You were talking about...

Yeah. Oh, OK. Did you not remember that? I went to Monkey World in Wool in Dorset, which is... that's for misused apes. So doesn't they use the word misused? No, they don't. But recently, when you were talking about

I can't remember in what context it was. I think it might have been the Tipton Slashers monkey. I think it might have been the Tipton Slashers monkey. Well, there's misused and there's stuff left on a shelf. You used the phrase misused apes. Did I really? Well, it's a funny old world, Sipes.

I'll tell you what, I went to a film premiere this week. Did you? Which one was that? I have been out and about this week. I went to see Fantastic Beasts The Secrets of Dumbledore. Oh yeah.

Yeah. And I tell you what, it's a weird thing because I thought I took my I took my son and I thought I don't really want photographs of my son in the paper so I'll go I just went in the public queue I'm waiting with them and then when I was halfway through a woman said to me Frank Frank would you just come and have your photo taken? So I had to go under the velvet rope, get her to watch bars, and then I did.

I mean, is anyone, who is the person in the world who sees a picture of me and thinks, oh, Frank Skinner went to that, I might give that film a go. Who is that person? That person doesn't exist. exist oh there must be somebody but anyway I then had to go back into the public queue

and then I realised of course the other side of the velvet was like Eddie Redmayne Jude Law even Tom Felton was there Malfoy. And Buzz was going, oh, man, I'd love to meet them. And I thought, oh, no, I can't cross the rope again. Once you've crossed the rope.

So I ended up the wrong side for my kid to meet. The wrong side, but in many ways the right side. Well, you say that, but my problem is, is when they do these How To Be A Good Father books, there's almost never a section on film premieres. No. It's very excluding. What I'm really learning from this story is just how non-secure the velvet rope is.

You can actually break through that barrier twice. Yeah, exactly. With total ease. I'm just glad my knees was up to it because I had to dip somewhat to get underneath. I think it's very useful to... You limboed on the way back, didn't you? I wish I could limbo.

I think it's very useful... If I was a brilliant limbo dancer, what would my stage name be? What? Gary Barlow. Oh, lovely. Barlow. I get it.

That's just for the people at home. I get it. I'm happy to work with footnotes if I have to. I think it's good to experience life on both sides of the rope. It is, but I wouldn't have mind saying, Eddie, this is my son. You know what I mean? It would have been nice, but never mind. Those days are gone. I need to live with that.

It's fine. It's fine. I'm alright. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. I have a story of something that happened to me this week, which I'm calling Raisins of Death. Oh.

Oh. So my partner called me and she said, oh, I got some of the terribles happened. And I said, what is it? She said, I saw a couple giving the ducks raisins. It's a big thing now on Hampstead Heath where I live near that you don't give the ducks bread or they die. Yeah.

Right. And what they suggested, I looked up on the Royal Society for the Perfection of Birds, it said give them frozen peas that have been thawed peas, peas I call them yeah

but they were given maybe they mean compared to like shelled peas, they know what kind of animal they are, yeah mate you can't put them in shell, that would just tease the ducks so much. Yeah. But anyway,

this couple said to Kath, your dog loves raisins. Now, Kath knew, which I didn't, that raisins are basically dog kryptonite. Yeah. They're up there

with chocolate. Well, I think they'd be on from, I went Googling straight away because I didn't want to spend money at the vet if I could possibly help it. And, yeah, it was quite heavy duty, the raisins. And nuts are terrible. Is that right?

Anyway, raisins seem to be... No nuts for mutts. Raisins were certainly in the Champions League positions as far as the league table of dangerous things for dogs. So we took her to the vet. And they had to... I won't go into too much detail, but they have to...

They take them into a bat room and inject them with stuff to make them be sick. I've been in that bat room, Frank. I never go in the back room. Right. But they went in and then one of them has to read the runes,

as it were, is look at what's... Yeah. Anyway... Like panning for gold. Yeah, like panning for gold, panning for rays. Sea leaves type stuff, yeah.

Anyway, the vet came in and bear in mind this is north london which is quite it's a bit posh she said great news it's goji berries so goji berries apparently are quite nutritious so this couple had said raisins, but they were using a general dried fruit coverall. Right. But the joy of it was that the vet said, anyway, so there's no harm done. She might be a bit shaky for a bit because she's had the injection, vomit thing.

She said, but she's... And she left a slight pause. Good to go, G. Oh! I was very pleased. I'm so happy with that one. I said, that's a really very fine joke. Whether, looking back, it was worth 151 quid, I don't know.

Yeah, you've got to wonder. But it was a good vet joke, because I find that vets generally are a bit serious. Does it have a sign up at your vet with a list of what's poisonous to dogs? And at the top, instead of chocolate, it just says green and blacks. Does it say that? I suspect it does, yeah. Maybe.

No, I don't think it does. Strawberries, Frank, as well. Don't go near them. Look, I'm not... With the dogs that we had, my last dog lived to be 18 and ate more chocolate than people who eat...

than Willy Wonka. And how many cigarettes a day did your old grandad smoke? No, but we had a beagle who was on 60 a day. Oh, Frank! Anyway. What's wrong with you? We didn't know then. We didn't know.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via Frank at absoluteradio.co.uk

News just in. Sarah's benched Trent. Sarah is our producer and you wouldn't believe this but the football boot is on the other foot. I basically sit here and they talk about football for the whole time.

Controversially, I'm playing him this week. You're playing Trent? Yeah. Okay. Because you know what? If he doesn't play, he'll just get substituted for Cody, you know, who, yes, I'm hanging on to. Anyway, Dr. Troy. Troy a start remember him

Frankie's one of our regular yes I didn't know I wasn't aware of the surname a star is it upon try a start or something oh it's some people just have names they do doesn't always have to be a person the sort of same thing as Emily a tack it's got that kind of feel to it. I knew an Op Richard. I went to college with an Op Richard, which she said was you Prish are. But I think it was Op Richard. And I also knew Marika Onions, who insisted on a Nile as her surname.

I couldn't have been friends with Marika. No, I wasn't really friends with her, to be honest. She drank in the same pub and we said, there's that Marika who says it's Anil, but we all know it's onions. If she's listening, she was much admired, secretly. That sounds a bit troubling. No, it was aesthetic. Dr. Troy

has got in touch to say, firstly, I like Royal Society for the Perfection of Birds. I think that may have been what you said. Did I say perfection? I think you did. Dr. Troy continues, side note, as a child... It sounds like a Robin Asquith film.

It's very 1970s. Side note, as a child... It sounds like a Robin Asquith film. It's very 1970s. Side note, as a child, I got confused that the P in RSPCA was prevention and in RSPB was protection. So a few times I said prevention of birds and protection of cruelty to animals. Yeah, I didn't know it was. I didn't realise it was prevention. But, of course, it must be. Yes.

I mean, I think if they started again, they'd have a catchier name, wouldn't they? Don't want those initials. Oh, yeah. Well, those are the first things. You join the RSPB. I mean, we just joined that by default. My parents said you need to join the RSPB. We never joined that.

Did you not? We figured if you could fly, you could look after yourself. You know? You don't need to protect something that can fly, do you? Whereas animals, you know, they're on the ground. It's harder to get away. Oh, OK. Different world, Frank.

And there's the RSPAA, which is Protecting Animals from Attenborough. Right. That's an all-day job, that. Yeah, setting up terrible incidents that he could film. Can you imagine when he arrives they must be you must be gutted oh you think oh no just do nothing let's get our own back he never does sort of like you know those andy warhol movies would be like a man sleeping for eight hours he never does any animal ones where it's just animals just sitting around. And they must do that. Yeah, no, it's like the only way is Essex.

He gives them the bullet points. They have to make things happen. It's scripted reality. They're very produced, the animals. They're so produced. I mean, what he should do is just have penguins dossing. Yeah, why not just have that? Penguins walking about.

Me and David Baddiel used to watch a late night cable thing, which was just... Oh, there we go. It was just penguins walking about and we used to laugh and laugh and laugh at it. Just, you know, intrinsically ridiculous. We don't need the violent set-ups, Dave. No, just have the penguins walking about.

Atto. Atto. penguins walking about um atto atto yeah you said walking about like a cockney then walking about yeah that's all we need don't have to go

all Tarantino about it just we're happy to just watch animals walking about relax the blasé planet and they just sit around.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. MJM, they did the Blase Planet with humans. It was called Big Brother. Oh, OK. It would be nice, though, just to see animals chilling out on the telly more. Socialising. I've been pretty happy this week, guys. Go on.

I'll tell you, I mean, one reason why is that my car clock is now cracked again. Oh, that's good. That is a special moment. Six months. So that's pretty good. But you may have noticed that I was in absentia last week. I wasn't... I thought you were in Aberdeen.

I was in Aberdeen, you're right. Same thing. Is that landing for Aberdeen? I was fulfilling a contractual obligation that stems back to pre-pandemic. Wow. I was supposed to do this corporate in Aberdeen in March 2020,

and it has been reshuffled, I think, four times, maybe more, and then I went to it last week. It's a long way away, Aberdeen. I suppose if you live just outside Aberdeen, it's not so close to any of the other places. Can I say, by the way, there may be people listening who don't know what a corporate is. Yeah, it's quite close. It's quite close to any of the other listeners. Can I say, by the way, there may be people listening

who don't know what a corporate is. Oh, OK. It's basically... Yeah, you define it, Al. It's when a comedian such as myself does entertainment for a particular group or business. So in my time, I've hosted the Kitchen, Bedroom and Bathroom Awards.

I've told jokes at the Mother and Baby Awards. But this was for some offshore drilling contractors and their safety chapter. So it was quite a lot about safety. I did. You know, I did. I did. And this sounds like from a different age, I did double glazing salesperson of the year. Lovely. And on the bill was me and Red Rom. And they had Red Rom, they put carpet down and brought Red Rom into the ballroom. Did Lee Mack bring him in?

No, I don't think Lee Mack, well, he might have done, I wouldn't have known. I would say that Lee Mack, Frank, was a stable boy. The first horse Lee Mack ever rode was Red Rom. Yeah, he was a stable boy. Sorry I interrupted, but just a bit of context. Well, my gig in Aberdeen was a significantly more macho demographic than the double glazing gig is my bet,

because these people work offshore for drilling contractors. They're quite macho. So I was sort of dreading that macho element because even though I'm macho by comedy circuit standards because I exercise and do martial arts, I'm not actually macho by offshore drilling contractors. No, that is a difference. It's all relative. So I got there and I thought,

God, this gig couldn't be any more macho. And the speaker before dinner was a bloke who used to be in the SAS. Wow. And he's now on the telly on those SAS programs. Oh, he's not still in the SAS. The trouble is with having SAS blokes on, it's hard to know how to introduce them.

Yes. But if he's ex, that's not so bad. He wasn't wearing a but if he's x he wasn't wearing a balaclava he wasn't wearing a balaclava he was very good and he spoke well and he was fun he sounds very up my straws did he did he dare would you say generally speaking i think he's both dead and one in his life yeah um uh and then i went on and they were a tough crowd. Not in a sort of malicious way, just a bit like... Have you ever done those gigs where a crowd won't give you three laughs in a row, they go, ha-ha, ha-ha-ha?

No, you're not getting a roll out of them. No, I tell you what, that is what I call the one joke at a time audience. There's no sense of you've just made us laugh 28 times, we trust you now. Very much so. You've just made us laugh 28 times, let's see how number 29 goes. Do you know what they are?

They're a little bit, they're tapas, these people, aren't they? Yes. They'll just graze on the tapas, they'll have a bit here, a bit there, they won't go full in with a steak pie. But back to zero at the end of every joke. That's the thing.

So anyway, I did it. And then loads of them came up afterwards and said, oh, I thought that was great. Normally, they talk through the comedians. So just by being listened to, I'd been quite good, I think. And then I remembered that this gig has been so rescheduled and so rescheduled that I was warned before doing it the first time, oh, they sort of stare at you a bit

and then they'll tell you that you're really good, but they don't really laugh or... And some of them they talk through, they're quite tough. They must have been. But it's been rescheduled that many times that I had forgotten the initial warning because it was two and a half years ago. I'm presuming they were fairly well-oiled.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey! Very good. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Boys, we need to talk about the big news this week because I think you know what I'm talking about.

Lovely Kenny Branagh won a Best Original Screenplay at the Oscars. Did he? For Belfast. He did. That was definitely the big story. That was the one that we were talking about in North London. What about you?

It's a little extract from Belfast. It's interesting. It might be brilliant, Belfast, but I can't imagine going to see. Well, it's black and white. It looks like the news. They had a clip from it. It's like a clip from the news.

I thought, I don't want to go and watch the news for two hours cinema oh gosh what is it path i i was just you know it was time it was kenny's time it won't be as good as um fantastic beasts the uh secret of dumbledore no there was a magic in that i like a bit of magic in a film. Yes, you do. Aliens or magic? Or no thanks? I think aliens and magic are my two worst things. Is that what they're texting? Really? Two of my worst things in life.

Aliens first, then magic. Oh, aliens are infinitely worse than magic. If you take a film and you take out aliens or magic, then you've got someone talking about a divorce and how they've gone to live on their own and oh i love they remember the smell of begonias from their childhood i can't be living all right yeah i can you see that's all watch that one as well that's all that's all i live for i said to a friend of mine who was working on um one of those i don't want to say what it was but

it was a you know those sort of franchises, Frank. What are they called? McDonald's? No! The sort of Marvel... Oh, yeah. OK. Yeah.

And I said, I just, I don't mind those films. I said, I just like it when the mutants have relationship problems and feelings they can talk about. But there's a lot of that, though, isn't there? There is. There is a lot of that, though, isn't there? There is. There is a lot of that, honestly. Okay. We need to talk, obviously,

about that incident. They called it the slap that was heard across the world, which isn't entirely true because the entire thing was muted and edited, I believe. Although, having said that... Unsuccessfully.

Yeah, unsuccessfully. That was interesting because when Will Smith sat down and shouted, keep my wife's name off your lips, I think that's the clearest I've heard an actor speak for about ten years. I thought I got every word of that. I didn't have to re- I didn't have to say, well, I'll just accept

that there's a bit of more. Can I just, if I can just do a sidebar on this. I was watching a series which is readily available on TV if you want to check this out called Lovecraft Country. Okay.

Based on the stories of H.P. Lovecraft and it started off with like there were spaceships and things and I thought I'm going to love this, the second scene was a couple in bed talking and I'd love you to try this, episode one of Lovecraft Country

try this as a national experiment the second scene is a couple in bed I could not tell one word that was being oh you're a boy I thought this is not good enough you see I just expect that now because I'm so waxy

yeah well I thought I was going deaf but I was I was talking to someone who was directing and an actor came on and said, sorry, I can't quite hear what you're saying. He said, sorry, that's how I do it. And that was that.

And he heard that bit. So he said, that's how I do it, perfectly clearly. And then he went... So anyway, at least I heard what Will... Even if it was muted and beat... Also, can I say in some of these shows... It was beautifully enunciated. Frank, in some of these shows, can I say,

would it kill you to turn the lights on? Are they saving it on the lecky bills? Yeah, but, you know... It's so dark. I don't mind a bit of that. Do you not? I'd probably have to hear it. I don't know what radio drama is like now.

You've got nothing, nothing to hold on to. Try it, honestly, as an experiment. Not while you're listening to the show, but if you get a chance, look up Lovecraft Country. Try that second scene of the couple in bed. I don't know. If anyone can send me a transcript. No, subtitling now.

We've all gone there cheating. But no. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Right, Will Smith, in case you don't know, hit Chris Rock. He did.

And it was a slap. He broke a rule. You managed to make yourself sound like the headmaster of a school. Okay. How are we going to deal with this? Right. In case you don't know, Will Smith it, Chris Rock. The slap rather than a punch...

Yes. ..I think is quite disrespectful. Really? There's something... I think a punch is sort of saying, I'm going to hit you with a punch. I'll value you enough to clench my fist when I hit you. And I'm hoping that I'll hurt you or even knock you out,

which means you won't be able to come back at me. A slap is, I know you won't come back at me. I treat you with contempt. I was once at a Huddersfield Town versus Millwall match and Millwall had a reputation. Of course you were out. Millwall had a reputation. For aggression.

And as we were leaving, some Millwall fans were trying to start a fight with some Huddersfield fans, but right in front of all the police horses and one sage old Yorkshireman said, oh, safest fight you'll ever start, meaning you're surrounded by police. Oh, OK.

So I'm going to continue. And I think there's a bit of this to that. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. It's like a fight on a football pitch. This is the safest fight you'll ever start. It's against Chris Rock in front of all the cameras in the world. Well, I was

on the ramp going up to New Street Station in Birmingham many years ago, and there was two Millwall fans, and one of them said to him, what have you bought? I said, I haven't bought anything. He said, what have you bought? I said, I haven't bought anything.

He said, what are you talking about? What have you bought? I said, I've looked, I don't have haven't bought anything. He said, what are you all supposed to be doing? What have you bought? I said, I've bought, I've looked, I don't have any bags or anything. He's going, what? What have you got? He's looking at his mate. What's it? Anyway, he went off.

And my mate said, no, he was saying, who do you support? You should have given him a part on that drama that a friend of yours was working on. Exactly, yeah He must be an actor now He must be With that kind of diction Only an actor Maybe the actors are brilliant

and just sound departments have completely gone down the knee Maybe I do think Will Smith broke a rule though by slapping Chris Rock in the face because I thought the Oscars only permitted back slapping See what I've done there? Because it's sort of a back slapping ceremony Chris Rock in the face because I thought the Oscars only permitted back-slapping. Oh. See what I've done there? Because it's sort of a back-slapping ceremony.

What about this then? Would you have intervened if you'd been there? Oh, absolutely not. See, I was doing a gig once in Southend and there was a guy on stage, a musical comedy actor, who was not going that well. And I saw someone step up. They'd given him a bit of abuse, a musical comedy actor who was not going that well. And I saw someone step up. They'd given him a bit of abuse, like verbal.

And I remember his combat was, shot your gobs. And I saw this guy stand up, and I was the host, and I thought, oh, no, I'm going to have to step in here, and I might get knocked about. And the guy didn't go on stage. He walked past, he walked up to the sound thing and he just took out the two jack plugs,

one for the microphone, one for the guitar. Then he went and sat down. It's beautifully done. I wouldn't have intervened because I wouldn't want to be caught between a rock and a hard case. Lovely. All right, it's over, it's over. We're discussing the slap, or as I call it, and as Frank referred to it,

the, well, sir, you are no gentleman moment it was I mean people are calling it the most the word exciting is being used I mean a bit inappropriate yeah well the most staggering Chris Rock called it said that was the greatest night in the history of television yeah in the first of all it wasn't the night did he mean to say right also may i just point out that on that very stage john travolta watch once introduced edina manziel as the wickedly talented Adele Dazeem. OK? So there's some competition there. I've done that when you forget a name, so you start saying things like wickedly talented

to try and buy a bit of time. Inside there's a little man running around your filing cabinet going, what is it? What is it? in cabinet to go, what is it? What is it? Yeah, it was, you know, it's everyone saying that, you know, violence is unjustifiable in all aspects. I don't think anyone thinks that, do they?

Yeah. Sometimes it is justifiable. Oh, my God. Well, it is. Not on this occasion. Can I just say the real winner was Denzel? Not on this occasion. Because it turns out Denzel Washington is some sort of Yoda figure. Yeah, yeah.

What about what Denzel said? What did he say? When you're at the top, that's when they come for you. I'll tell you exactly what he said. The devil. He said, at your highest moment, be careful, because that's when the devil comes for you. Mm-hmm.

I think he's referring to that's when you have to fight your own worst instincts. Is that something you found at your highest moment, that question to Frank Skinner? I don't think the devil comes for Catholics, regardless of what floor they're on. Right. I think it's quite a good quote. There's a slight sense that Will Smith quoted it

and that Denzel thought I said that in private. Yeah, yeah. I've actually nicked that. I mean, he's probably got it from somewhere. Someone will say, oh, Denzel, you're saying that as your own? No, he didn't credit me. He probably got it from The Matrix or something. I got it as a meme off Instagram.

Yeah, he saw it on a meme or he's seen it at the best movie quotes ever. He Googled quickly and then break. I mean, I couldn't help thinking. Oh, go on. Jada Pinkett Smith, who I must say I love. I mean, only because she was Fish Mooney in Gotham. Brilliant. There's always some weird superhero connection.

Why if she'd gone up instead of Will she'd gone up and instead of doing any slapping she'd pulled his lapel over so she could

speak into his lapel mic whilst putting him in place and saying you know what Chris I love you and I love your art

and I respect you I think on this occasion a lot of people have the condition I have and it's sort of it's tough and difficult and I like to think on this occasion, it's a lot of people have the condition I have. And it's sort of it's tough and difficult. And I like to think that you and your colleagues in the comedy industry have moved away from a world where we make personal remarks about people's illnesses.

But of course, sometimes they slip through the net. And then I think we have to speak. I love you. I think you're great. But on this occasion, that hurt me. And I think it was wrong. Then she sat down. People would think she was amazing.

Chris Rock wouldn't have come out of it too bad. And he'd have probably said, you know what, I hold my hand up. And Will would have thought, what a woman. That's fantastic, that woman I'm married to. Maybe we'll stop the timeshare arrangement and just be like a normal couple. That's what should have happened. That would have been beautiful.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What I found extraordinary. Oh, dear. What about my housekeeping? Oh, the producer then. She'd run over and tap the photocopy, but I have to read out as if it was my fault. It was my fault. Can I just say...

It's alright. It's good. Enthusiasm is a good thing. We should encourage it. Do you a bit. Not you, Will. So this is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk I just attempted to start speaking before Frank had

done what I call his business. And I would like to apologise to Frank, I'd like to apologise to Alan Cochran, but most of all I would like to apologise to the Academy. Don't resign from of all I would like to apologise to the Academy. Don't resign from the Oscars Academy. Can we discuss the concept of the Academy? I'm guessing the Oscars

Academy is a bit like those elves' tie-making factories where people sit around and make the Oscars. Is that how it is? Because there was this news just in this morning, Will Smith Don't call me Justin I've told you that before. Resigns

from the Academy. What is it though? Do you go and learn about the Oscars there? Is it like Fight Club? It is now. He also said that his behaviour was shocking painful and inexcusable and I thought

you don't get to say it was painful. That's for Chris Rock to say. Yeah, exactly. And also... He should say, actually, it wasn't that bad. It would have been worse if you'd punched me. I'd say more sincerity and less rosier, is what I would say to...

Lovely. What I found... To WS. Interesting. In WS's statement, resignation to the academy, close quotes, he said that the list of people, as he said himself, the list of those I've heard is long. It includes Chris, his family, many of my dear friends, not all of them I notice, and loved ones, all those in attendance, and global audiences. Wow.

Well, everybody then. I mean, he has influenced everyone. I found myself shouting the other day, keep my wife's name out of your bleeping mouth. And it was an Amazon delivery driver that had asked for Mrs Cochran. Yeah, there's no need for that. You went over the top, mate. Frank says that to me every week when I mention Cat.

Wasn't it what I would call a union card apology? And that's when celebrities say, if I apologise, can I carry on doing this fabulous job? It felt a bit like that. But, you know, I don't know about you. One thing he said was in reference to Richard Williams who he played in the film the father of the Williams sister yeah he said yeah I really look like the crazy father there and I thought no Richard Williams used to hold up

handwritten badly drawn felt pen signs given it he didn't He didn't used to go and slap Justin Henan, did he? I thought, Richard Williams, that's the oldie. Don't bring me in on this, mate. Do you know what I loved? What I loved saying, Justin Henan. Do you know what? I really enjoyed that moment, Frank. Thank you.

What I found extraordinary was the number of celebrities when questioned about the incident on the red carpet afterwards who it turned out were in the toilet or backstage or they just kept saying I didn't see it was it the arson arson vendor I didn't see the incident they kept saying no I can't comment no I I didn't see it no I wasn't in the room at the time. Really? All of them. Well, I was watching the coverage on... Because they didn't want to do a quote about it. It's the Omerta, isn't it? It's the what? Omerta.

What does that mean? It's the Mafia for Killing Fire, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Jim Carrey condemned it, which I liked. Yes. And a few others. Not many.

Not many condemnation people, but there should be more. Well, I noticed I watched the coverage on GMB and Ross King is their correspondent. Oh, yes. Do you remember him? Yes. What I like about the Oscar correspondents on the red carpet is they have to sort of get dressed up for the occasion

in the black tie hair, but they're sort of standing behind the rope in the cold with the microphone. It was like me at Fantastic Beasts. As we know, those ropes don't keep people back. He used to be phenomenally orange, Ross King, and then

I think he recognised that that was going out of fashion and he didn't go... I don't think fashion's been a priority in his life. He didn't grade downwards. He went orange to white, like a traffic light changing. Ping, suddenly he was on telly. I thought, who is that?

And, yeah, just one day, it all went in the bathroom bin. You know what he's gone now? What has he now? He's dug out the eyeliner. Oh, he hasn't. No. Ross King had eyeliner, Frank. King goes goth.

If I'm going to use eyeliner now, I'm going to say I'm just Ross King. Just Ross King me eyes a bit. Do a bit of Ross King. Has he, yes, and has he, Ross. Such a nice man. He's a lovely man. And do you know what? I think he just got into the spirit of the occasion.

It was the Oscars and he just... Who did he hit? 351, what's wrong with eyeliner, Frank? If Ross wants to look fabulous, all power to him. Now, look... That's from Madeleine. We agree. We're an Alice Cooper family. Yes. We've All power to him. Now, look. That's from Madeleine. We agree. We're an Alice Cooper family.

Yes. We've got nothing to defend. I'm taking Buzz to see Alice Cooper in May. Are you? At the O2. Oh. Congratulations. There are a couple of,

you know, there are a couple of people in the Will, Chris moment. There's always that bloke, isn't there, who likes to wade in and be the peacemaker. And that during a fight, you know those blokes that are like, calm down, mate.

Come on, come on. He's not worth the hit. Except in this instance, it was P. Diddy. Oh, I didn't know he'd got involved. He chose to be that bloke. Okay. He said, he came on stage immediately afterwards, I think,

and he was doing a lot of hand gestures, sort of calm down hand gestures. And he said, Will, I love you. Chris, I love you. We're going to sort this out as a family afterwards. I don't know whether he did, but he kept giving statements and updates

on behalf of the family. I must say, the most disappointing thing for me is that Chris Rock's next stand-up gig, he said, I'm not going to talk about it tonight because I'm still processing.

I'm sorry, mate, that's not good enough. That is not good enough. If I got in an incident like that and i had a gig two days later i would not sleep until i'd got material to start that show and it would have been gold and the audience would have loved it and when you come back on your next tour and do it where you've sat with your team of writers that's no good no look very little though very little i've learned a lot about uh will smith and uh what's her name jada pink jps i didn't realize that they were in an open relationship

but that she had had a four and a half year long affair which i think is sort of a breaking of the rules of the open relationship i think you're only meant to have little quick dalliances. Is it official, the open relationship? I think that's, yeah, I think that's what they said. If it wasn't. Yeah. If it wasn't. You won't slap Al. I'm surprised that they needed that

because you'd think that their relationship would always have the sort of excitement of having an affair because whenever they check into a hotel, they it under the name Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Of course. You'd think that would be enough. Ladies and gentlemen, the wickedly talented Alun Coughline. I gotta say one thing about Will Smith, I've never been a massive fan. The hip-hop I thought was... What do you mean? You know, we used to do hip-hop songs. Oh, when we shake the room?

Yeah, no, I didn't like that. I would call it Hamiltonian hip-hop. Oh dear. But he changed my attitude to golf. He did a film called Bagger Vance in which golf was portrayed as this mysterious He changed my attitude to golf. He did a film called Bag of Ants

in which golf was portrayed as this mysterious world on this living creature of a course. And he made it all mystical and interesting. And I actually started having golf lessons after on the strength of seeing Will Smith as Bag of Ants. That's quite a weird entry point for Will Smith. Most people are like Happy Gilmore Men in Black

or Pursuit of Happiness Bag of Ants Bag of Ants for Frank Bag of Ants for Frank is what I ordered at the

live insect restaurant that's what Ozzy Osbourne used to like I used to I'm afraid he did

he did I remember that that would be tickly wouldn't you imagine the sneeze sneeze ology of that anyway we i think we've uh yes frank skinner on absolute radio oh by the way by the way before we um move on i don't know if you remember this but I was sent some soap a while back probably a couple of months back do you remember that yeah looking at the producer

always looks at me like she's never been here before yeah I do remember but anyway so I just thought that's lovely and I think I said a thank you and it was from a thing called the radish soap company and it's all vegan and healthy and all that. Anyway, I actually got round to using a tablet today,

yesterday. And because I had a store of other post-Christmas soap. But when I looked at the make, it said Beads Bath Bar. As in the make it said beads bath bar as in the venerable bead I don't think there's a venerable bead range of cosmetics and so I looked at the other I looked at the other soaps

and I'll give you a few par example if I can find that baby oh yes so there's Beads Bath Bar and there's the ballet link and it says soap to forget underneath, the ballet link was a very

boring, tedious link that we did on the show and there's another one called I'm Tilt Handing with tea and mint and cocoa. Bespoke soaps. So it's bespoke. Yes.

So thank you to the Radish Soap Company. And I must say, it's nice soap. That's nice. Good colours. How lovely. It looks edible. You know, some soap looks a bit like fudge. Okay.

Can we go back to, can we go back in time slightly to our... Are we going to revive a 45? No. I'd like to go to the section we called previously. Oh yes. Dot dot dot. Oh yeah. Previously ellipses. Do we have a jingle?

I don't think we do. I don't think we do. Why don't you improvise? I'll, I'll, I'll, this'll do. I don't think we do. Why don't you improvise? This will do. Yes, but do you contain gum Arabic? I'm not prepared to answer that. Okay. They're very touchy about the gum Arabic confession. Oh, yeah, gum Arabic. It's a bit of a...

That is verboten these days. Is it? Very much so. Oh, I've got three jars in the cupboard. Anyway. GA, my GAs. Why don't you set up a little stall at the next school, Faye? I will.

All the parents saying, I'll do the tombola, Frank Skinner. I could do some gum Arabic. Yeah, I've got the gum Arabic auction. Yeah. Anyway. Okay. Previously on the show,

Al, we've had some good little entries. We've had various ones. One of the things that you were discussing on previous shows Frank was talking points in the home Oh conversation pieces and all that yeah. Yes conversation starters, conversation

pieces. Long time listener harking back to when you got the leather crown hat for Christmas. Oh yeah. First time message. I was listening to your podcast last week and you mentioned talking points in our houses we moved to this house september last year it's a decent size two up two down we're in our 50s and love wildlife especially lions and tigers so most of the walls have that kind of artwork a couple of months ago we saw someone on facebook advertising

the artwork they do instead of putting it on canvas they paint directly onto your walls we now have a picture of a lion's head painted and spray painted all different colours a sort of graffiti six foot by six foot in the living room always starts a conversation off when people come in I'll bet it does would love to send a pic we'll carry on trying until i suss it out yeah send a pic i like the fact that there is a camera yeah that's hopefully you'll read this out i like this there's a little bit of a civic duty to it hopefully you'll read this out giving people ideas what to do with spare wall space you're sincerely dave lion space, you're sincerely Dave Lyon. Dave Lyon?

Dave Lyon now! Dave Lyon, L-Y-O-N. That's, er, yeah, he doesn't mention that connection. What if it hasn't never occurred to him that he's called Lyon? I don't think it has. Unless it's a fib. Similarly, I don't think so. We shouldn't, er,

No, I know, we've got to, um, we'll be back. I looked at a house in Little Venice and they had an enormous mosaic of Mickey Mouse on the wall. Is that still there? We're discussing previously on the show. Al, you were just talking about conversation pieces, which I'm going to call peak Frank Skinner, that topic.

OK. There's something which I don't think... We've had Simon from York. Right. He sounds lovely and medieval. Anyone from York sounds quite medieval. What about Terry from Who Did Terry's All Gold? They were from York.

Do you remember Terry's All Gold? Of course I remember. Yeah, they were from, that was all based in York, I think. Terry's. But the Cadbury's, I think they were made by Cadbury's. Because I think Cadbury's was based in York. No, Cadbury's is Birmingham, surely. Oh, I'm so sorry.

I do apologise. They're Quaker guys. I don't think it was Cadbury's, not Terry's. Oh, I'm sorry. We'll get to the bottom of this. There'll be a chocolatier listening. Can any chocolatiers get in touch anyway? Because I heart chocolate.

You don't really, do you? No, of course I don't. No, I didn't think you did. But, you know, I was speaking as if I was an Oliver Boneless mug momentarily. Simon of York has got in touch. We have a stone resin floor that you would usually see on paths and driveways in the hallway and kitchen of a house.

Whenever we answer the front door, the first thing people do is look down. Sorry, I apologise. I got the emphasis all wrong there. OK. We have a stone resin floor that you would usually see

on paths and driveways, comma, in the hallway and kitchen of our house. I see. Are we all clear? Whenever we answer the front door, the first thing people do is look down and comment on the floor. We then have a very long conversation about the pros and cons of such a floor. I like to think it breaks up delivery drives a little p.s it was installed by the previous owners but i would not recommend it

well it's all i don't want to get into a whole pros and cons discussion though it's all very well for um the the the drivers and stuff to have these conversations. But he's having this conversation how many times a week about his floor? You know, I left my West Bromwich Albion bathroom when I moved out from that house. I had one. I actually commissioned a West Bromwich Albion badge from the tiling company, which was about three feet by three feet and someone told me that um the man has really though he has no interest in football he's

retained it as a conversation piece is that the same man that uh david beckham referred to on the plane when he said to believe me my friend was on the plane. I believe it was a young Brooklyn Beckham. OK. And he said, you've got to be quiet or the man will come and chuck you off the plane. What? And I was very relieved that David Beckham still cites the man.

Yeah. Or I say the lady. Yeah, exactly. Someone told me today, this is an air steward, that he was on a flight that david and victoria was on and they asked me if he got any paper and and pens it's just it was just the two of them no kids and um he said when he went to collect the stuff after those page after page of notesoughts and crosses. Was there? Yeah. That's brilliant.

Oh, and one page in which there was a design, a couple of designs for a tattoo. Really? Oh, the way those are off, Liv. Yeah, but noughts and crosses, how long would that take you going on a flight? Yeah. I don't remember the last time I played Noughts and Crosses when someone won.

They're all draws. It's got like, you know. Yeah. Anyway, that's me on Noughts and Crosses. You'll be getting a soap like that soon. Yeah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hey, Frank, we've had a text where you're being vindicated,

and I know you like those. I love being vindicated. 921 has said, Yes, Frank! Watched about ten minutes of Lovecraft Country and had to switch off during the bedroom scene as I couldn't hear it. What's going on?

I mean, I understand trying to get realism, but if that had been me and Kath in bed, it would have been a second before someone said, what did you say? You know, just because you're intimate, you don't... That's not enough. You say that, but you haven't had a love affair with Elvis.

No. Have you? I choose not to comment at this time. Elvis, you always know what's being said in Elvis films. Do you know he was my first crush, right? So many others I reckon he was, but I just... I cried because I'd never go out with him.

Do you still have a celebrity... I was thinking the other day, I haven't had a celebrity crush for years. It was quite discouraged in our family. Was it? Yeah. Was it? That's because you knew most of them. It could get awkward.

Yeah. In our family, they were a long way off. It was quite discouraged. Who was your first? I've got a... I can't say my first, I'm afraid. You can't say your first celebrity crush? No, for reasons that will become evident when I tell you both off air.

OK. However, I'm sure you can work out who we might have been. But, OK, Al, have you got there? Yes. Was it me? No. OK, Kath said, Kath, my partner, I remember saying to me that, I asked her the same question and she said she had two celebrity crushes

when she was at school. Richard Bryers and Ruth Maddock from IDI. They're good. I mean, cover all the bases. Well, I had, as you know, I had Derek Pringle as I got older. Oh, of course, yeah. When I was younger, Stefan Edberg, the tennis player. Ah, obscure.

The one I can't name, who we'll discuss off air. Elvis was in my top three. All right. Definitely. Jailhouse Rock, period. Not How Great Thou Art. And I would say various... Oh, Noel Edmonds. Oh, Noel Edmonds.

Really? Noel Edmonds. That, yeah. He was mine as well, so that's a surprise. It's him bringing that inflatable doll as a chaperone that would put me off the dating. Check out the inflatable doll. That wasn't a derogatory remark.

He keeps one because he drives a cab a black cab just like for fun and he has her in the back so people don't stop him quickly I know we've got to go but who was your celebrity crush very quickly my first one was

Honor Blackman oh that's a good show I had Julie Covington, I remember, from Rock Follies. Lovely. Anyway, it's been a while. Dame Edith Evans, I think, was the... And the woman on the Bayeux Tapestry,

she was lovely. Yes. So, listen... All right! Honestly! Lovely. Yes. So listen. All right. Honestly. Sorry, but the producer was literally just holding the fez in my face. I could hardly breathe. Thank you for listening to us.

And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!