The Frank Skinner Show - Transparent Toaster

Episode Date: June 17, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to Download Festival and went to see Oklahoma with Emily. The team also discuss an incident at the Opera, a flash flood and pulled pork.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show at 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Morning boys. Morning, boys. Morning, morning. I put on a bit of a voice when I did that to try and sound younger and more attractive.

I don't think it worked. You don't need to do that, Emily. And charm off. And so, oh, it's the King's birthday honours today. I have been superseded. And the Daily Mirror said at last the king gets to choose people he really likes for his honours. And I thought, hold it.

The last one, I was in the first ever King's honours list. So what was he... He was just at the sweepings from Mama. Just getting his eye in. Yeah. Hang on. What is King's birthday honours? It's just literally, these are the ones I like.

No, no, there's two honours bouts a year. There's the New Year's honours and then the monarch's birthday. Do you like the way he knows all about them now? No, no, I always knew that because I'm smart. I look in the smart thinking section in Waterstones when I'm in there. Do you not look in wit and wisdom? Speaking of smart, is there a wit and wisdom section? I think it might be quite 70s, that concept.

It's a bit more Frank Muir, isn't it? What a dismal, terrible. Books of Churchill quotes. That's inevitably what's in the wit of wisdom section of the bookshop. There's some good ones. Let's not go over the top ski. Let's not join in the big anti-Churchill drive. You know what I mean?

He had a good few turns of phrase. But Ian Wright, that's the great news of the day. Ian Wright has got OBE, I think. Ian Wright, Wright, Wright. Well, that's warmed my think. Ian Wright, Wright, Wright. Well, that's warmed my heart. Ian Wright, Wright, Wright. If I was Ian Wright, I would change my name hyphenated to Ian Wright, Wright, Wright. So people had to do my chant whenever they introduced me.

Anyway, great news. He's a great top bloke. Thanks. I'm breathing in. There's something I must share with you. He's a great top bloke. Thanks. I'm breathing in. Thanks. There's something I must share with you. Before... That was my impression of, you know, the tube that the dentist hooks on your back.

Oh, no. I hate that tube. I was at dinner once with David Frost, the great broadcaster. Oh, yes. And he was a bit salivary, and I thought, oh, I wish I'd got one of those just to hook on. That's a lovely tribute. Just to hook on the lip. Anyway, sorry.

Yeah, you're right. It wasn't the warm-hearted. And then he said to me, sorry, carry on. I need to share this with you. You... Is it a hypodermic needle? No.

Oh, good. Susan Hood has been in touch. Yeah. Via Twitter. She wasn't the only one. A number of people have. To share this, Susan said,

some hot Frank-based content... Yeah, I'm going to say that again. Some hot Frank-based content... It takes me with that. ...has made it on to a weekly celeb goss email oh right and she says a little bit of class

amongst the trash which I like oh wow again not a not a tribute I've received many times me either

to be fair do you want to hear this, Frank? Yeah, fire it out. It's called Frankenbean. Okay. And then the subheading is The Kindness of Campers. Unexpected celebrity spot at Download Festival. Colon.

Is that semi or colon? It's colon. That's a colon. Frank Skinner. Yes. He was in the normal, I repeat, the normal camping area rather than opting for an off-site hotel like posher celebs often do. Yeah.

I'm a bit worried about posher celebs. And a very, wait for it, pleasant campmate. Saying hello to people. Now, very pleasant, comma, camp mate. Camp hyphen. Saying hello to people and happily having his photo taken. He was not very good, I've substituted that, because I'm afraid there was a category C swear word there,

at putting away his pop-up tent, though. No, that's difficult. Like watching Mr Bean trying to post a letter, was how it was described to us. A good job he made friends with his camping neighbours then, as they had to step in and sort it out for him in the end. Yeah, that was very... Your move.

That was very nice, Aman. But when he said unaccepted celebrity spot unexpected celebrity is it an unexpected spot or am i an unexpected celebrity i think it's both okay fair enough um yes i i had a great time at um um with your pop-up i've said download because that's my son this is such an old guy at the festival. I've been calling it lockdown most of the week. Oh, man. I'm always coming up with names for festivals that don't exist.

Yeah, I'm going to Flatpack. I'm thinking we might go to Myasma this year. But it was brilliant. It was brilliant. But I like it. When you get to celebrity, people's expectations are so low. They say, yeah, it was brilliant it was brilliant but i like it when you get to celebrity people expectations are so low and i said yeah it was great saying hello to people wow it's a gossip story he was waving his hand his shoes were on honestly this some sort of uh great benevolent

figure anyway i thank you to the man who raced over and said, let me help you with that when we just could not get the tent back in the back. That is what camping's all about. So, yeah, I went to lockdown. I went to download. It was, OK, guest time, guest for you two. Apart from, obviously, the showers and the toilets, which are traditional enormous queues, what would you say were the two biggest queues daily at...

OK. Do you want to show your hand? Baked potato stand. No. Pulled pork. I'll tell you something, I've never seen so much pulled... What is it? I knew it. I'll tell you something. I've never seen so much pulled. What is it? I knew it.

I knew it, Frank. When did the pulled pork revolution begin? Why is it pulled? Why make it all part of a branding thing? Well, A, I don't know what it is, but when did people start... Yeah, well, no, he's the meat correspondent. When did it appear, pulled pork?

I think about ten years ago. I've had about a decade of from hipster meat to dominating the meat landscape pulled pork

I think you'll find Kermit the Frog pulled pork in the 1980s are you actually serious that's alright pulled as in

got a girlfriend who was made of pork I know what it means in got a girlfriend who was made of pork. I know what it means. You're making it worse. Girlfriend made of pork. People never talk about pigs being made of pork. Or girlfriends, Frank.

Or girlfriends. It's their main quality. So what is the nature of the pulling? You just said, can't have it the frog has got a girlfriend made of pork. Made of pork, yeah. Can we all just sit with that for a moment? Miss Piggy wouldn't be happy to hear that. So, the pulling of pork...

So, it wasn't a food cue. OK, but I think that was a reasonable suggestion. It was, it was. And pulled pork obviously was a big theme there. I didn't realise how much pulled pork had taken off. Did you explain how it is pulled? They sort of pull it off the bone. They slow cook it so it's very tender

and they sort of shred it with... You could do it yourself if you used two forks. Oh, I don't know. Two forks. Two forks. I'm busy, bloke. OK. I'll get Edward Scissorhands.

What about Edward Forkhands? He comes around and does it for you. He's your fork puller.hands What about Edward Forkhands? He comes around and does it for you He's your fork puller The trouble is with Edward Forkhands He only really hits cord on the cob That's his specialist I've got a question Maybe some of our readers know

Is there a fork pulling job? Is there one man or lady Who does that as a job? I've seen the meat shredder in action the shredder a man in the back of the van with two forks oh going for it you see that's gone a bit late night horror movie the shredder yeah that sounds a bit like was it billy the kid in the silence of the lambs yeah back of the van buffalo bill buffalo bill i know it was some wild west legend buffalo he'll see he'll know that. Animal based. Here's the thing then. I'll tell you the cue, Frank. I'm going to have another guess.

Some sort of glitter face painting thing. Ooh, it's in the... Body art related. Yes, I'm going to give you that. The tattoo stall. Ah. The tattoo stall. You know those zigzag railings

that they have on check-in? For tattoos? Yeah, for people having tattoos. Do you know what I mean by a zigzag railing? So you don't have a big, long, long straight line. Yeah. So people then think, well, I'll go and have a tattoo. It feels to me a tattoo needs a bit more planning.

It's too whimsical. You've had three cans of beer. Frank, a lot of these people are, let's use an Elvis phrase beloved by him, strung out. Well, I have to say that, and I'm not just saying this, but the actual mood at, because the sort of, the voice, it's all like, it's heavy metal we're dealing with in the main. The voice, it's all like, it's heavy metal we're dealing with in the main. And the thing is, the heavy metal fan is saying, worship the devil, kill all people and eat them, open brackets, but not really.

And everybody was so lovely and nice to my child. It was great. If only life could be like that all the time. And they forgave me that i wasn't wearing a band t-shirt i think the only person who wasn't wearing a t-shirt in fact the only t-shirt only person not wearing a t-shirt with el diablo on the front there's a lot of uh there's a lot of that going on but it was it was i'll tell you more because um it was a four-day experience did I shower over those four days cliffhanger on absolute radio and the answer to the cliffhanger is no four days I think I have never showered at a festival in my life. I think it's a bourgeois affectation.

And also... And other excuses. Because I have got quite a lot of anti-back hand gel left over from the epidemic. Seems a shame. It won't do forever. But what I didn't realise when I was in my tent having a hand anti-back shower,

I didn't realise it was so abrasive in the more sensitive areas. It never occurred to me. It's a harsh liquid, isn't it? I didn't know how harsh. Can we just stop here? Emily's scandalised. I've never seen... Pierre, are you putting antibacterial hand wash on sensitive areas of your body? Yes.

I don't... Pierre, I'd like you to know more about anatomy and physiology than me. Any doctors, please get in touch. I had no idea. Even though I've looked in the smart thinking section at Waterstones, I didn't realise it would smart that much. I just thought it would be like... You know, a lot of people who don't shower at...

There's a whole group of us who don't shower at festivals. A lot of people take wet wipes and have wet wipe showers in their pants. I've seen wet wipes. I've not seen anything like antibacterial hand wash. Like I say, I've got a few of those bottles knocking about from the bad old days. Yeah, I've got bottles of tomato ketchup knocking about. I don't wash in them. No, I have been covered.

Every eight times a week for six months, I was covered in... It was actually tomato puree. Why? I was in a play where I, so I was just in my pants and I got absolutely covered in tomato. And then my dresser had to get it off with wet wipes. Oh.

And he was a very lovely gay man. And I said to him, I said, on the last week, you can do the whole body. I said, it's better than a card. Isn't this a treat? Anyway, so that's what I did, yeah. And it was, yeah, it was a smarter.

Was it? Yeah, it's abrasive stuff, like you say. I had no idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, would you, I don't want to be personal, Pierre, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to wander into that area. Is that something you would consider

doing I have only ever been at festivals as a performer and that is something I'm proud of and that is something I will continue to uh to maintain well I like to think I've never been anywhere not as a performer on some level but um know, it was brilliant. You know, Metallica twice. Slipknot. Are you still going? Placebo. Oh, Slipknot. I love it.

Do you know what I love? Slipknot Grand... Are they Slipknot Grandads now? I hope so. It's hard to tell, really. Because you know when I said it's hard to tell with Kiss because of the make-up last week? Well, with Slipknot, the actual full-face mask.

Yeah, hides a multitude of sins it was tremendous stuff anyway I'm going to tell you the other queue

the Vipes the Vipes stall have got a massive queue I forgot how much people love vaping oh they love it

I think they banned them from Glastonbury though haven't they have they oh there was something they had a list of what we suggest you do not bring. Gentle suggestions. That's so we can sell it to you, isn't it?

Don't bring your own pulled pork, Kirby. No, I was shocked. I thought it was the sort of thing that sort of slightly nervy middle-class people did, vape, who didn't want to do their own. But no, there was meandering cues. Yeah, pardon? The heavy metalers were. Yeah, yeah.

Well, Frank, what is the collective noun for the heavy metal? I think metalhead seems to be the thing. A foundry. Yeah, a foundry. Is that the collective noun? Could be. Okay, we'll stay with it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Yeah, the other big theme was fishnet. Oh, there was a lot. I saw more fishnet in four days at download than some peter himself probably saw in a lifetime it's the there is the look for the uh the younger rock yes it's like creatures woman goer yeah it's like creatures and i meant it was 28 degrees at lockdown and something that's never occurred to me before. Maybe you can answer this. What's the tan lines situation if you're wearing fishnet?

There's nothing more heart-wrenching than seeing a hot goth. Yeah, they don't like the sun. A boiling hot goth. Yeah, goths are very, very heavily reliantiant on decent aircon but do you actually get like a sort of leaded window oh yeah you get the trellis legs yes i've seen i often because people do favor i've never seen i've never seen you in a fishnet emily nor will you ever okay fair enough i i have i used to wear a tight occasionally. It's happened. That's the only fishnet item I've owned.

Most people, really. But the fishnet top, do you remember, Frank, possibly in the 80s there was a Vogue, and they've come back in, I think, a bit, for the sort of fishnet crop top. Yeah, sort of banana-rama. Yeah, this was. I saw all variations of, you know, those fishnets.

Over a bra, perhaps? But there was sort of fishnet sort of half, sort of boxer short things. Fishnet pop socks, fishnet tight stockings. Fishnet gloves. Did you see the fishnet sort of forearm covering? Yes, all that. But still, the tan line issue is still there. Do they at the end of the day look

at all these little pink triangles on themselves not triangles diamonds goths were a very high factor minimum 50. yeah okay the s the spf is huge huge market in the goth community that's where they sell that's their big selling. So I, the other thing is, you decide what food to buy, or I do. You know when you get these restaurant reviews and people look to see whether to go to the restaurant? At a festival, I see, I look in the bins, and if, look at the stuff that's been most thrown away, hard eaten, and then you don't go to that store.

It's got a much more trustworthy thing because people lie about restaurant reviews, don't they, for friends. There'll be more tips from Stig of the Dump tomorrow. Of course there will be. Oh, bad. I like the idea of people... I mean, it was bad enough Frankenbean and the tent story. Imagine if people saw you doing that.

Rifling through the bins. Frankenbin. No, you're assessing height, diameter. There's no need to rifle. The bins overflow. So what did you plump for? So I went... Well, I had a couple of falafels just to keep my heart beating.

OK. But obviously, you know, there's falafels just to keep my heart beating. Okay. But obviously, you know, there's burgers, there's chips. Yeah. Okay. I got pig iron! I got all pig iron! So, yeah, so I think it's a bit like being on a plane. Any dietary restrictions you have are off while you're at a festival.

Like at a plane, when they bring the creme brulee and you're on a big diet and you think, oh no, but I'm on a plane so it doesn't count. Do you find the falafel has something of the understudy of the food, I find. It never, it promises

a lot more than it delivers, I've got to be honest. Well, these were good ones okay these were um yeah big bountiful um dribbling hummus style ones and uh yeah you gotta have some a bit healthy you know what i'm talking about yeah okay i mean on the last day, I had three ice creams. Me and Boz... Oh, do they like ice creams and metalheads? Me and Boz had a... Metalheads with what ice cream? We had a 99

each immediately after we watched Slipknot. I mean, it's a different world. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So I saw a band called Solaris. Oh. And the lead singer had had his ears done.

I wouldn't even call it pierced. You know when people have enormous discs in their earlobes? I do know that. And he took the discs out, so he just had these two dangly circular like sausage things hanging i didn't like that and then it occurred to me i didn't realize how long they stretched that if you had a lens put into those ears instead of a disc you could pull them across and have spectacles constantly at your disposal well you could start a fire on your neck. How could you? Oh, yeah, that would be a risk.

If the sun hit the lens at the wrong time. You could have lens caps. Yeah. I'm trying to help the world here, so you don't have to carry spectacles everywhere. I was impressed by it. Frank, we've heard from the outside world, because we've been talking about the pulled pork.

I mean, you didn't say there was a queue, but there was a lot of it about. No, there was several pulled pork stalls. Too many, in my mind. 619, dear all, they now even do crisps in pulled pork flavour. I mean, surely the name is all about texture. Yeah, exactly. That doesn't make any sense. Okay. Simon of sudbury

hi frank emily and pierre they spend all that time slow cooking and then forking off the pulled pork only to then ruin it by smothering it in that awful bbq sauce oh yeah bbq bb. I'm not a fan of BBQ. I wonder if you can get combed scratchings where the hairs on them have been just, you know, just groomed a little. Just a little parting. A little centre parting. I'll tell you what I do like. It's similar to the pulled pork.

It's in the pulled pork family. Go on. It's a second cousin of the pulled pork. It's in the pulled pork family. Go on. It's a second cousin of the pulled pork. It's the ham hock. Oh. How do you feel about that? We always had ham hocks when I was a kid, and my dad always said,

change the water after an hour, get the salt out. My dad has a sort of anti-salt stance, so he once sent our Terry, my oldest brother, up to the butchers and said, get some bacon, I don't want it to be salty. So he went up, came back. My dad was frying it in the frying pan. My dad could be a volatile individual. And he said, you can see that white stuff coming off it there, that's salt.

He said, did you tell him not to get not to give you and he said i told him i told he said right you come with me so he went up to the butchers with the frying pan in his hand with the bacon in and terry wielding it went in put it on this counter and said this child asks you for not salty bacon and look at this. And the butcher, I think slightly alarmed, gave him a load of different bacon. Good Lord. See, in those days, people... They didn't go on the internet and give them bad reviews. They took the frying pan.

You could live within frying pan distance of your butcher. Exactly. Those were the days. Exactly. How long was he walking wielding within frying pan distance of your butcher. Exactly. That was for the days. Exactly. How long was he walking wheeled in the frying pan? Well, because we didn't have a car, everywhere we shopped was walking distance. Well, you didn't.

One person in your street had one, and he was dating your Nora. No, he didn't live in our street. He came over with a car. He came over with a Mini, which, I don't know, was definitely like a second-hand rusty old Mini. And the family all went out to have a look at it.

See a car from close up. What I'm confused about, Frank, with the salt thing. So your father had a fear of salt. Yes. Or we'll discuss it in a minute. Yeah, I didn't say he had a fear of salt. He didn't have a fear of anything. OK, we'll get back to it.

I know what you're going to say. Why did he carry salt in his pocket to blind anyone who stopped him in the street? Well, he was a complicated man is the answer. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. People do. They do. Indeed, 342 has got in touch. In response to something, well, it's related to festivals, actually.

Is he one of the Gloucestershire 42s? I don't know. Hi. Read your son needing a bit of height at festivals. Oh, yes. Which you were talking about last week. No, I've got news on that, but let's hear this. So has 3-4-2. Okay. He needs a telescopic

stool. They are brilliant. They stall flat, but then turn into a really good stool i've attached a pic i have no commercial interest by the way in this secondly i believe mr chips is so named we talked about mr chips of we talked about mr chips the um whitby fish and chip shop whether it was named after the character from the novel Goodbye Mr. Chips as played by... We can't... What was his name? Robert Doner.

And or... So let's keep in the fast food theme. Robert Doner. And I know his brother Duncan. The pulled pork has taken over from Robert Downey, though. Yeah, and or whether it was named after Mr. Chips, the everyman figure from Catchphrase, the TV show. Yeah, the sort of sub-Mr. Blobby yellow horror. Instead of half Pac-Man, half Potato.

Half Weetabix. What on earth are you? Yeah. Secondly, I... Not a chip. It doesn't look like a chip at all. Well, au contraire, according to 342. I believe, like I believe, belief in Mr. Chips. Yeah.

I believe Mr. Chips so named you to the amazing computer art of the Roy Walker series. Yes. I think you'd call it 8-bit now, but at the time it was impressive, so chips as in computer. Oh, it's because this is computer graphics that you've never seen before. Oh, was it that? And then finally, Not Content 342 has more to add. Pop stars before health and safety,

something we were also discussing. You were talking about Kiss's extraordinary stage antics. Yes. My first ever gig was ELO in Oxford, but it was touch and go. The council had heard they had a laser. Oh! I like the council had heard,

like a rumour. We've heard you've got a laser. I've been hearing there's going to be lasers and oral sops. But I've always said the reason I never had laser eye surgery is because of golfing. For me, what laser does is cut through in thick metal plate. And I'm not having that in my eye, obviously. So certainly the first time I'd ever seen one,

and the council were afraid that they'd burn down the new theatre with the lasers. Yeah, of course. Imagine if they'd seen the flamethrowers deployed by Kiss. Thank you, 342, for all those contributions. Well, I have two footnotes to 342's contribution.

One is that I have a... I don't know if we're talking about the same thing, but there's a little step I've got at home that sort of folds into what looks like a little briefcase. Oh, I hate those. And it lies flat. They really give me the creeps. And I took that, and you know what looks like a little briefcase. Oh, I hate those. And it lies flat. They really give me the creeps.

And I took that, and you know what? It was a game changer. Did you take it? I took it, and we carried it around, and when we watched the gig, he stood on it. It made a massive difference. Really? Yeah.

And there weren't that many kids. I didn't see that many kids at Download. But I was very... You know when you do have a good idea yeah i was very pleased with myself secondly i was telling someone at download about the fact i'd seen kiss recently and they said well kiss did did this last year they they did download they headlined and he said he did the same thing he said paul stanley swung above the crowd he said and the funny thing was you could see the harness that they'd got set up for him just dangling at the side of the stage like untouched well on the kiss subject uh harry kidd harry and brooklyn

he's one of our brooklyn listeners oh ok I say one of our he might well be our only Brooklyn listener I think Brooklyn Beckham listens as well yeah he does and he's busy

he's doing his cooking he'll be asleep he'll be asleep he's making toast he's making his chef creations ok good morning team

I'm surprised to hear that Paul Stanley of Kiss had the crowd call his name as Paul when his nickname is Star Child. All of the band actually have nicknames. Yes, indeed.

Simmons is the demon. The demon, yeah. Oh, sorry about that, Frank. And then there's Starman. Bassist Ace Frehley? Well, Ace Frehley is not in it anymore. Oh, how awkward. Nor was he the bassist. I mean, come on, let's get it right. Gene's the bassist. Oh, how awkward. Nor was he the bassist. I mean, come on, let's get it right. Gene's the bassist.

He's in Brooklyn. Okay. It takes longer for the information to get there. And the cat, we talked about the cat, of course. Oh, the cat man. Yeah.

Peter Criss. Again, left. But, you know, how long did it take to arrive, this? He's going by boat. Now, he's on about the sort of classic

kiss line-up, which is fair enough. Yes, they do have those names, but nevertheless, it was Paul that we were asked to call out. Paul! Paul, disregard health and safety. OK. Paul, he's in that advert on the telly

where he turns up in the boardroom and says, don't call up each of the rock stars. Have you seen that advert on the telly where he turns up in the boardroom and says, don't call each other rock stars. Have you seen that advert? That's Paul. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We stayed until the very end at Download and then we drove back on the Monday morning. Just a few, you know, stragglers left.

And so it had been 28 degrees there. And we got into North London. And it started to rain. And I'm in the car, so you know, it's fine.

And then it really started to rain and then there was lightning and then it really really started to rain and then suddenly I was in the midst of what I believe they call flash flooding and I had to drive across a

crossroad where honestly the water was at least a foot deep so I drove through it with all that stuff, with Boz filming out the window. He'd never seen anything like it. And then as we drove on, people started flashing their lights and waving at me,

and I thought, oh, no, I've done something. Do you know I panic at the social embarrassment when that happens? I've got a drowned dog trapped in me, mod guard or something. I always think, yeah, I think that. So what I'd done is the current had hit my number plate and basically snapped it. So it was dangling.

It was just dangling from my car. Oh, that's embarrassing. So I pulled over and the car was steaming because it had been through all this water. I mean, it was unbelievable. I'd been in hot, hot summer weather. And then a bloke in a van said, do you need a screw, mate? Well, I hope he didn't say that to me.

And I said, yeah, yeah, if you've got one. So I got it. But the screw had broken off on the number plate. And so I couldn't. And he said, do you need a... but the screw had broken off on the number plate. And so I couldn't, and he said, do you need a, he was a bit further down now, because there's all traffic jams because of the rain. He said, do you need a screwdriver?

I said, yeah. So I went over and got the screwdriver. That was nice of him. It was, yeah. And I managed to mend it. And then a man arrived who became a sort of a self-appointed traffic warden. Because a bus had broken down. It was a bit of a nightmare. All this flooding, people were...

And he started saying that. But he said to me, you need to back up, mate. And I said, yeah, I'll back up. He said, come on, come on, you need to back up. I said, all right. I'm backing up. And then he was like that with me. He said, pull that.

You need to do it now. And I thought, you know, I don't know if you've ever seen Mr. Saturday Night with Billy Crystal. When he says to his brother, you know, you couldn't do it, you couldn't do it on stage like I could. But, you know, I was the one and I met you, my agent but i was the one i was the star and the brother says yeah it's all true but you know what you could have been a bit nicer that's really what i wanted to say to this i mean he did he all these are big words he sorted out the whole thing, you know.

And he, well, but oh my goodness. There was no grace. Haughty. I mean, do you... What was he wearing? Can you describe him a bit? I just want to picture this man. He had spectacles.

Who did he, what celebrity did he look like? He looked, oh God, that's a... He didn't, it looked like the opposite of a celebrity. He had a very sensible, pale blue office shirt, office worker shirt and spectacles. The sort of spectacles which look practical. Oh, square framed. Practical, where the frames are designed for holding lenses

rather than to look crazy. Oh, yeah. And he looks like he might have done pretty good at school. Okay. But not... What sort of shoes would people want? I couldn't see his shoes. He was standing in six inches of water.

Frank, you're telling me that a self-appointed traffic warden turned out to be quite a haughty man. Yeah, exactly. Who'd have thought? Who'd have thought that? These are the people you need, though, to sort things out.

But they could have been a bit nicer. They're not very nice. There's a purpose for them. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This, I've had a very social week. I mean, very social. And I'm including the Download Rock Festival. But when we got back, one of the things I did was I went on the town with Emily Dean.

We did. And we went to see the musical Oklahoma. Oh! So that's how it starts. I didn't just go because Arthur Darville's in it, because he was in Doctor Who. Do you know about Arthur Darville? No.

Well, he was in Doctor Who. He's better than none. No, he was Rory in Doctor Who. He was the companion. That doesn't mean... Well, he was married to Karen Gillan under the

again in the Matt Smith era again oh yes he might know that do you know that yeah anyway

so Frankadoff I mean I met him on Sunday Brunch yes yeah and he was telling me well I love a musical

as you know so I was invited along. So I took a Dean, the Dean and I. What about when we got there? I'll just, this is background while you tell the story. Humdrum days and humdrum ways. We arrived, yeah.

I thought we'll go for the traditional pre-show drink in the theatre bar. Not Frank. Frank said, I'd like a cup of tea. Yeah, sure. He wanted a cup of tea. So he took me to, I don't know if we can name it, but a popular fast food chain. Yes.

A French twist. Yes. In the title. Away in a manger. Anything manger-based that he's in. That's where we were. It was the manger that attracted him. Of course. I've always said they miss a trick at Christmas. anything manger based it was the manger that attracted him of course

I've always said they miss a trick at Christmas oh you're right Frank anyway yeah we went there and then a woman came up to me and said do you know do you remember you did a pilot for a programme called

Packet of Three at Wakefield Opera House in like 1990. I said, yeah. She said, I was in the band. And then when they did the series, they dropped our band and got another one. I said, well, honestly, I wasn't part of the decision-making in those days.

And she said, I said, I'm sorry about that. I'm sure you were brilliant. What you did, I hope you still play. She said, I played bass. I said, okay, I hope you're still playing bass. She said, yeah, I'm playing you were brilliant. What are you doing? I hope you're still playing. She said, I played bass. I said, okay, I hope you're still playing bass. She said, yeah, I'm playing it in Oklahoma. And I said, well, we're going to that now. So she calls Saffron, and I went into the theatre,

and she's sitting there on a big double bass, and I waved, and she waved back. It was lovely. He looked so excited. Do you know what? I think he quite liked knowing one of the musicians. You know I'm with the band. He went, oh, there's Saffron. Yeah, you know I'm with the band. That feeling. He was very proud. Yes looked so excited. You know what? I think he quite liked knowing one of the musicians. He went, oh, there's Saffron.

Yeah, you know I'm with the band, that feeling. He was very proud. Yes, she is. I knew he started sort of juicing it up. Met her 30 years ago. Yeah, exactly. So, but it was and occasionally once these things are truly

brilliant. It was brilliant. It was breathtakingly brilliant. I'll tell you what they've done. In summary, the film, I remember the film as being quite good time, life affirming. But without changing any words, they've found all the twisted darkness of it and cranked it up.

There are bits when the theatre goes into otter darkness and you just hear it like an audio drama. Oh, it's absolutely brilliant. Given that I don't know what Oklahoma is about, I'm really surprised there's any dark bits. It's about cowhands and farmers and love. You know about those. Yeah, exactly.

With your experience. It's a big fight. It's cowboy. It's, you know, it's Oh What a Beautiful Morning, for example. Yeah. Right.

And Sorry With The Fringe On Top. Yeah. Do you know that? No. When I take you out in the Surrey with the Fringe. Everybody, come on. On top.

The seats are genuine leather, apparently. Yeah? Yeah, I've heard that before at the clubs. Oh, no! What about after? I will just tell you, when we went to Oklahoma, you know, I told someone that this week

and they genuinely got the wrong end of the stick. I didn't think that would be possible. They thought we went to Oklahoma. I told my friend Connie. Yeah. And she said, I said, well, I've had, she said, what have you been up to? I said, well, Frank took me to Oklahoma.

She said, really? No, you've got to. I said, yeah. And she said, well, how, when was this? I told her I went to download. And she said, what was this? I told her I went to download. And she said, what stopped you? Was there some sort of fault on the internet? No, she didn't.

I said, when did you go? I said, I think it was on Wednesday. She went, really? Was it a press trip? And I said, and it was still cross purposes at that point. I said, well, no, he'd got the tickets. She went, he got the tickets. I had to say, at at that point you thought they were

flights no no but we went back afterwards i was desperate to go backstage i was i was itching frank yeah i'm i'm bad at going back he's very humble and it's not so much that i just you know i always think people are thinking oh it's gonna go for a drink and now this loser's turned up and, oh, I was going to go for a drink and now this loser's turned up. But anyway. I could tell I played Frank. I played him like a yuke. Because I started, I thought, I was so excited

and I thought, I can't pass up this opportunity. And I knew he'd been on Sunday brunch with Arthur Darvill and we had to go for it. So I started, Frank, didn't I, by saying, I mean, we could go backstage. And then I got desperate and I started begging. I said, please, Frank, please. But I did want, I wanted to tell them how good it was. But I always think they don't want to be bothered with people when they've got lives to get back to.

I don't know. I mean, we're performers. Is there ever a bad time to be told how brilliant you are? Oh, I hate people coming back. You know me, I like the great escape on gigs. That's true. I like to be out of there before the seats have started going up. No, I learnt not to go back with you. Anyway, so we did go back.

And I mean, I've been back a lot of times at shows which I haven't loved. Yeah. And you have to lie. Yeah. I'm sorry. Anyone now thinking, thinking oh I wonder if he was lying about well maybe I was there's been times when I've thought I've been thinking well I'm praising you up here but my performance at the moment is much better Oh, my God. But I found, twice this week, in fact, I went to the ballet. And I don't normally do the ballet and the contemp dance. You can hear too much.

The feet are so heavy in the ballet. My goddaughter, Donny Banks Badil, was dancing. And so I went to see her. And it was cracking it was absolutely brilliant she was very talented and um well no but they were all good i think she was best yeah of course yeah a woman said to me they were all good weren't they i said was there other dancers on there anyway so that what i've discovered is if you have actually have really enjoyed it that then the sort of going back talking to them after is almost like it should be

part of the wellness industry i think gushing i find gushing really very therapeutic very cathartic yeah so i'm going, that was absolutely amazing. And inside I'm thinking, God, I'm meaning this. This is lovely. This is lovely. I can relax into it. Do you think it would be equally cathartic

if you could somehow be so powerful you could go backstage and really remonstrate with people who haven't done well? No, I... That was awful. I imagine doing that. Oh, you don't have to imagine that, Frank.

Because Frank does, you know, he didn't have one bit of helpful advice, close quotes, for the Oklahoma cast. Did you? No, I didn't. I did say, I thought when you rang the bell to go back in after the interval, it should be one of those bells,

dinner bells, triangles, like they have on cowboy ranches. But that wasn't about their performance. I think they took it on board. I said, you know, it would offer an organic unity to the whole evening. That's what I said. And they said, anyway, I've got to go. But it was, I would recommend anyway.

So the Wyndhams. I'm a bit obsessed by it now. What about when I did that terrible pilot for the BBC? Which one? Well, one of them. I don't think that just sounds so rude. And I thought, what's Kath going to say? Because my partner was in the audience.

And when I came off, she said they did a brilliant job of covering up that spot. That was all she could offer by the way of compliments. Have we heard from Alfresco Monde? We have. As they say, sous le continent. Ruth Jordan. Ruth Jordan. Where would we be without RJ?

Well, Ruth Jordan has been in touch. You were telling a story earlier, an extraordinary story about your father taking bacon back to the butcher on account of it having salt in it. And he carried it. It was still in the saucepan. Frying pan.

Frying pan. I do apologise. That's all right. Ruth Jordan has said, Frank's story of his dad taking the bacon back to the butcher's in the frying pan reminded me that my grandad once took a faulty toaster back to the shop with the badly toasted piece of bread still in it,

just to prove his point. Was he aware of the adjustable thing on a toaster? He got a refund. Oh, well, fair enough. I think if you're menacing enough, you can get a refund for anything. I think if you're carrying a toaster like an implement. Or a frying pan.

Or a frying pan. And you look like my dad. You don't want to be arguing about the bacon. Give him the bacon. When you're holding not just an enormous piece of cast iron, but one that's still sizzling hot. But me and my dad had things in common, but one of them was not the capacity to knock people over,

which I don't have, but he did. He came in one night with all his hand all swollen up, and I said, what's happened he said i was some bloke come up to me and said what's the time so i eat him and he went over a garden wall i said hold on i think we've turned two pages in the script here what happened he said used to be a thing when we when i used to work in the pit he said um because he was from the northeast he said um he said that when you were going to school they used to they used to knit you a snap um and that was the food the food you took with you and blokes had come he said sometimes they'd say what's the time and then

they you know it it'd be uh then they'd get it where you weren't ready. He says, I'm ready for them now. I said, it's possible. It is possible. He wanted to know the time. Anyway, sorry. This is a dark tale from my childhood. Where were we? I can't remember.

So we're talking about the frying pan thing. Yes. I had a question, which is, with the toaster, I've got a confession, not a question. I've never used that adjustable thing on the toaster. Oh. I just received the toaster, and I trusted it was on the setting it should be at. It depends how you like your toast.

If you like it slightly, you know. I've never had a problem with it. I actually favour the pita bread more often. It's used for that. Oh, you sound surprised. But, you know, I think of you very much as a person. Oh, me and my fancy words. Don't you think of Emily, don't you, Pierre,

as a woman who just takes it as it comes, you know. She's not fussy about it. Just casual. Yeah, why would she change it? She just, you know. No, try it. Try it. I'm going to. You can get a toaster with a transparent

casing. You can see the colour of your toast changing through the wall. Dad, I like the sound of that. You know my mum dreamt of a see-through teapot. She used to say the idea of watching the tea grow into drinkable tea.

And now you've got one. Have you still got that transparent teapot? No. Oh. Kettle, I mean. Oh, the kettle, yeah, but this was the teapot. I never got the transparent teapot. I don't know.

She also has told me once that she used to fantasise when the kettle was boiling of pouring it down the back of the television and making the television blow up. Interesting childhood. Ambitions were different in television and making the television blow up. Interesting childhood. Ambitions were different in those days in the West Midlands. Now they want to be on Britain's Got Talent. Then... Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, look, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Frank, I'm going to start with some listener contribution. Lovely.

At Annoying Bloke. Oh, he'd be a nice friend for you, Frank. Yes. He has been in touch, and he's called it Butcher Stories. I mean, I should say, annoying bloke, we didn't officially set up a Butcher Stories forum, but I like that you've run with it. I think because this comes from my dad taking a frying pan

into the butchers to show how bad the bacon was, we could have called them Panic Dotes. Oh, lovely. Here we go. Butcher stories. Back in 1972... This needs some incidental music. Are we going to discover that?

Back in 1972, my mum took me and my twin, age three, to the butcher's in the double push chair. Remember those? Oh, yes. I used to love those. What were the stripy ones? They had a name and I can't remember. Someone will know, listening.

Okay. She got home, put the shopping away. I have to warn you, this is a very 70s parenting anecdote, but don't be alarmed. Put the shopping away and thought, where's the twins? I'm afraid she left us outside the butchers. Oh. The butchers took us in for safety.

Oh, that's nice. Please tell me that they put hooks through the back of their bibs in the window yeah the freshest babies what i like is that annoying bloke felt the need just to establish that it was for safety yes and mum what i like about annoying bloke is this mum wandered back to collect us. I mean, Annoying Bloke could have used any other word. Rushed back. Rushed, yeah.

Ran, walked, even wandered. Whimsically strode. Well, the whole butchering profession comes well out of that, I think. I don't think they're normally listed amongst the caring professions. We had some wonderful butchers when we were younger. And I can remember they came round for Christmas drinks once. Did they? The butchers? At the same time that my dad was doing a documentary about some car thieves.

And he invited them round at the same time. So we had the butchers and the car thieves round for Christmas. That's nice. And it wasn't really. No. It didn't really work because people were saying to the car thieves, is business good? This is the trouble when you mix your friends.

This is it, yeah. Yeah. You ever steal a car? No. Do you like sausages? Not really. Ever steal a calf? When they're trying to get across to each other.

Do you ever drive an old banger? Oh, well. Anyway, Frank, we've got some other things, but I want to hear what else has been happening in Frank Skinner's world. Well, I had a strange incident this week. Are you familiar with Glyndebourne? Oh, yes. Glyndebourne, do you know it, Pierre?

The opera? It's an opera festival in Sussex. It's in Lewis, the place I normally avoid. You say the place with the fireworks, I say the place with the anti-catholic that's where they burn the pope and walk through saying no popery well if they have signs the people carry signs no no no potpourri for the people who are a bit allergic yeah i'm not good with lavender. No. So go on. So I went to that with my opera body, Baroness Joan Bakewell. Fabulous.

Adore her. And it's a fair old drive from London, but it's a real event, and I wore a bow tie. It's a black tie event, and you have picnics in the grounds. And you and Joe are quite local to each other. Yes. So it was, so yeah, you go down there and you take your picnic basket and you sit outside and there's a ha-ha.

It's probably, along with Wimbledon, probably the most middle class thing thing I've ever done in my life, going to Glynde. But this was my third time. However, this year was different. Friendship on Absolute Radio. So, we're cutting to you with Dame... Baroness, I think. So, we're at the opera. Sure. And we've had

the first part of our picnic saving there's a long interval so you can have you can picnic further and then so the

the play it's the opera is very Catholic which suits me suits the Baroness less who's an atheist nevertheless so which suits me, suits the Baroness less,

who's an atheist nevertheless. So it was, it's set in a convent. It's called Dialogue des Carmelites. Okay. And the Mother Superior is singing about her suffering, her pain. She's basically carried on by the nuns. She's so ill. And she sings about how hard life is and how she's suffering. She's ill at the beginning, is she?

Yeah, she's basically dying. She has to be carried around. And she's sitting in a chair, you know, sat down in a chair. And she's singing about how terrible her suffering is. And then we're in row E. In row C, two people suddenly stand up in the middle of the opera. And? And one of them fires off what I believe they come for. It's what they call a confetti cannon.

What? And the other one sounds a klaxon. So I wasn't expecting this. So the mother superior is off the stage. The sound of the klaxon, suddenly the injuries, the illness disappears and she's off like a shot. It's a miracle. As soon as she hears the klaxon, suddenly the injuries, the illness disappears and she's off like a shot. It's a miracle. As soon as she hears the klaxon, I'm wondering if she's an old

It's a Knockout contestant. But she's gone. She moved like a fraudster. She was like a black and white blur. Sprinting off. They hold up a sign that says, just stop oil. Oh, OK. So I immediately went.

So I went a bit Peter Parker. Did you? So I got the phone out and started slapping straight away the photos of this thing. Oh, did you? Tell me, Frank, in that moment, did you say, what a scoop? I did, and that's what I was thinking. I thought, I've got a scoop here on my hand.

So you went snapping. Oh, did you think, oh, I'll sell these to the Sun? Well, I mean, there were two rows in front. Have you seen a story? If so, call us. Do you like that the Sun, they don't go online because their readers don't trust it? Call us on... Obviously, there was quite they don't go online because their readers don't trust it? Call us on...

Obviously, there was quite a lot of middle-class indignation going on around this. Give us an idea of the sort of noises being made. Well, a man behind said to me... A man behind... There was some booing. Was there? And a man behind said,

yes, they should try doing that in China and see what happens. And I thought, well, yes, they do like a firework. It's true. They love a firework. Stop it, Frank. You know what I suspect? I think there were a lot of Panama hats suddenly being taken off.

Why did Porsche? Where is Porsche? Shame. Shame. Yes. Shame. Shame. Yes. Shame. And, yes, so they were marched out the stop. Did you get the pictures, though?

So I got some pretty good pictures. Scandal at the opera. What did the Baroness have to say? Well, she was... She's so calm and rational. We were all a bit taken aback. I mean, it woke up several audience members. Especially those Panama hat snoozers.

But then I had a further idea. So I'd taken photographs of the... The protest. Yeah, the Just Stop Oil people. And I looked at the photo and I thought, you know, it's all right, this. So I did the equivalent of phoning J. Jonah Jameson. Get me pictures from the opera.

Yeah, exactly. Spider-Man at the opera doing bad stuff. I didn't even know Spider-Man was a reporter. I thought that was Clark Cain. Well, he's a photographer. So what he does is he sets up his camera suspended on web and takes photos of himself. On web?

Yeah. I didn't mean online. No. That's what we call it now. Oh, sorry. No, he's one of the champions of fishnet oh he's not on the webcams is he that's disgusting

he sets up his camera with a timer and takes photos of Spider-Man who he is secretly so he always gets the best pictures why do they always report Clark Kent is one isn't it it just gives them an excuse

to go to the scene of a crime. Oh, is that... He works at, what, the Daily Planet? Is that Superman's? That's Superman, yeah. What's his boss called? And he's Perry White.

That's what you didn't even have to think. Whose catchphrase was Great Caesar's Ghost. I'm sure you heard a few of those when the Just Stop Oil popped up. My catchphrase now. But J. Jonah Jameson is at the... Great Caesar's Ghost.

I bet they were. Great Caesar's Ghost. Please, cease and desist. But J. Jonah is at the Bugle. So anyway, I have a contact at the Guardian. Oh, yeah. So I tweeted and said, there's just been a just-stop oil of just interrupted...

Tweeted, did you? Yeah. Not tweet, I texted. I can't remember. I texted. You don't have Twitter. I said, they've just interrupted Dialogue des Carmelites. I feel you should know about it.

And I sent the photo. Oh, God. This has been fabulous. You're trying to concoct the most Guardian story ever. So they texted back, thanks. And I thought, well, you know. And then during the interval, I got a text from them. And it was the story with my photograph in the Guardian.

Oh, shut up. You got your first byline. Yeah, exactly. I'll tell you what was great. I thought they haven't given me a credit, but, you know, it's fine. I only did it, you know, as a mate thing. Is there a photo of you?

You weren't waiting? No, it's the photo I took, though. Oh. You're in it for the journalism, not the credit. Exactly. I hope you weren't paid for the photo. No. Put it in the poor box.

But I noticed there's a little, you know those little eyes that you get for information? Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yes. I clicked on that and it said,

photograph Chris Collins. Yay! Which is my birth name, if you don't know. So it's all gone properly Peter Parker. It's properly Peter Parker, yeah. If you had said to yourself some time ago, 30, 40 years, that one day you'd be sending photographs of a disturbance at the opera to the Guardian.

No, exactly. I mean, he's come a long way from the frying pan being taken into the butchers. Well, I thought I had to get it in, because I thought no one in this audience is going to send a photo to the Guardian. I need to get it into a safe space. The Spectator, they'll have hundreds of those. I looked at the coverage of it and a couple of people took photos,

but they're way back. You know what I mean? I'm right. There are two rows in front of me. He's getting a bit... Oh, he's a journo now. Look, I'm going to show it to you now. We'll have a look at the photo.

We'll have a look. Well done, Frank. That was a lovely... You must have felt so proud of yourself. Well, there's no point in doing a protest if you're not going to get publicity for it. Yeah. And here's...

Look, I'm just showing them the guys. So they don't show a picture of... Do they mention the comedian Frank Skinner? No, no, no. I'm just Peter Parker. Wow. Yeah, they don't know my secret identity. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. We have, would you like to hear from some of our lovely loyal readers? Of course. I always want to hear. They're my people oh okay uh not the glineborne people well there was many nice people at glineborne yeah i'm still so thrilled that you've had this uh credit journalistic credit frank i know it's uh it's

a special i'm not saying i'm moving into photojournalism. However, we have always said that you are oddly skilled in the area of photography. Yeah. Aren't you? But I have always felt that photography is the last refuge of the scoundrel. Why? Well, because it seems to be a thing that...

I think Brooklyn Beckham had out a book of photography. I'm not suggesting he's a scoundrel, but it's a bit easier than fine art, is what I'm saying. I suppose, although that photography book, if I encourage people to look it up, it went viral because there's an incredibly blurry picture of the silhouette of an elephant and the caption is something like, so majestic but so hard to photograph.

Oh, well that's... Now I'm warming to it. No, I like it because he says so hard to photograph. You didn't get Henri Cartier-Bresson or Bill Brandt saying that in their books. Blurry Jumbo, I'm looking forward to that.

He was a blues musician, wasn't he? Yeah, Blurry Jumbo. That's a French jazz musician Jacques Blurry Jumbo so we've heard from

Brian in Ashford not the not the snail from the magic

roundabout no I don't know if he's on email okay morning Frank Emily and Nile from The Magic Roundabout. No, I don't know if he's on email. Okay. Morning, Frank, Emily, and it says and amp, Pierre. Yeah.

So I think there's a mistake there, but I like and amp. It seems to be a lot before your name. We took your recommendation and we went to see Operation Mincemeat. Oh, yes. Last Saturday. And we went to see Operation Mincemeat last Saturday. We interviewed some of the stars of the West End musical Operation Mincemeat a few weeks ago, which I saw for the third time and absolutely think is a masterpiece of musicality and everything else. And we all love it, don't we? We do.

So, yeah, what I would say, I never recommend anything on this show which isn't from the heart a recommendation. Like when we said go and see Oklahoma, only because... Oh, please go and see it. It's like the original film got directed by David Lynch, is what it's like. So try it out. What if they put that on the poster?

Yes. But Operation Mincemeat, yes. So they loved it, I'm guessing. Do you want to know the verdict? I know the verdict. Go on. What a fantastic show. Absolutely amazing.

I shouldn't really single out any member of the cast. Oh, let's not single out any member of the cast. No, I wasn't going to. I was just saying they were all fantastic. Yes. That is... Well, it said it was from Brian, now it's signed off

Linda, Brian and Linda. Brian and Linda. I wish my manager at Mechie's mind up on the pseudonyms. He's going with... I should say my manager

also is an exec producer guy on Operation Mincemeat. He's flexing his impresario muscle. But that's still, I wouldn't recommend it if it wasn't brilliant. No?

Yes. Good. Okay. We've also heard... Oh, can I interrupt for a moment? I need to thank Aunty Enid. What? Aunty Enid, who I met at Sarah, our producer's wedding recently.

It's from the North East. And I told you my dad's from the North East. And he apparently in the 30s played for Spennymore United, which is a football club. So she sent me some Spennymore merch. Oh, Auntie Enid. Scarf programs, you know, that kind of thing. So that was lovely.

So thanks. I think she's actually it's pronounced anti-aenid by Sarah but that sounds to me like some sort of hostile approach that I'm anti-aenid

whereas I'm pro can I call her pro-aenid pro-aenid I wouldn't pro-aenid I wouldn't that's what I take for my muscular pain

just take two pro-aenid once a day anyway thanks anti-aenid it was very lovely I shall wear that scarf with pride of pines. Just take two Pro Enid once a day. Anyway, thanks Auntie Enid. It was very lovely. I shall wear that scarf with pride, but maybe not in the current temperature. No. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. By the way, the flash flooding in North London story I told earlier. You've gone a bit breaking news. The evidence is that we've put up on our... What is it on? Twitter and Instagram.

Twitter and Insta. Put it opposite, yeah. Because people never believe these. And also you can check the Guardian website for my photo and credit. Oh, you know what? Pierre is never going to shut up about this. This Guardian website photo and credit. I just said, people want to know. You were saying, what? Pierre is never going to shut up about this. This Guardian website photo.

I just, the people I know, you were saying, how come all these things happened to Frank? Yeah. So I know I have to take a photo of everything. What would be your Clark Kent article of clothing that you sort of swiftly remove or add to disguise yourself? He had glasses.

Yes. Basically magic Superman disguising glasses. Oh, those were brilliant. He could put glasses on and no one knew what you looked like. I'll tell you what he does. He's just that seven foot journalist with a 60 inch chest, you know. He happens to have tortoiseshell frames.

Obviously I've got my ear pierced lenses so I can just be on my own lobes. Well, you've got your golden crown. Oh, yeah, I've got my golden crown. But is that a good way to remain anonymous? Anonymous and unnoticed.

Didn't work for the king. Well, it is if you're hanging out in the circles you are now. Yeah, but... Okay, they've all got a net down there. May I share something with you? I will anyway. Sarah Fitzpatrick has got in touch. I didn't give her name, I didn't pronounce her name will anyway. Sarah Fitzpatrick has got in touch. I didn't give her name... I didn't pronounce her name very well.

Sarah Fitzpatrick. I thought you... Did you know? Correct both times. Oh, I feel like I was one of the leads in Oklahoma, the way you're responding. Hi, Frank. I was listening to the show this morning. This was last week. And I had to write to tell you,

there is indeed already a Chris, a Kiss, I'm sorry, a Kiss tribute band called Snog. Oh, I see. The chap who plays Gene Simmons, I actually know quite well, he is none other than Reuben Taylor, KC, formerly QC, obviously. Oh, OK.

He's a planning silk at Landmark Chambers I'm a lawyer too he's awesome and he's even made his own guitar to be exactly like Jean's I've attached photos of Ruben by day and Ruben by night taken from Landmark's website

and the Snog website she's attached her Ruben I have to say they are quite extraordinary we should put that extraordinary that is that we should put that that is a contrast and a half imagine imagine being in court and watching your barrister you'll step onto a hoop and sail across the courtroom well gene simmons was on um whatever what's the ITV breakfast programme called? GMB.

Yeah, GMB. Are they the ones that bumped you that time? Yes, they did. They bumped me, I think, for D-Day. What? Did they just come over and say you're not on? Frank, you really have been in show business a long time. I know.

So, so, Gene. Some big news coming from France, I'm afraid. Sorry, old Bean. Sorry, old Jabba. So, Gene... Gene Simmons... It's misreported. Somewhere in history, it's misreported, people.

It's like when they had the 400th anniversary of the King James Bible and they had a trust and they were going to launch this trust to publicise the event. And I was invited and my PA put in my diary King James Bible launch party.

I was there. Anyway, what made me laugh is Gene Vincent was chewing gum. And he said that he was chewing gum on a show. And when he took it out, he said, here, put that on eBay. And they did put it on eBay. And they got $245,000 for it. Which he said went to charity.

But Susan, what's she called, the presenter on GMB? Oh, Susanna. Susanna, yeah. Susanna. Oh, Susanna, yes. Susanna Reid. Yes, so Susanna Reid said, £245,000.

And Gene Simmons said, Yeah, I'm quite a big deal. Which was fantastic. So listen, Claire Sturgis is up next. Listen to Claire this morning. Thank you so much for listening to us. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again, blah, blah, blah, back at the tie,

this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. this time next week. Now get out.