The Frank Skinner Show - Tubular Pillows

Episode Date: July 9, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Zoe Lyons. Frank has been gigging, we have Birthday gifts for Emily and Zoe has been making some questionable purchases.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean giggling in the background. So are we doing it, Frank? I know! And Zoe Lyons encouraging, do I have to reach into the back of the car and start, were you two trying to drive? Sorry, Frank. So you can, you can, anyway, that's who's with us this morning.

Zoe Lyons. I'll knock your heads together. I don't think people do that with kids anymore, just as well. Do you know? Oldie, I've got to do my business. I've got to do my business. You can text the show at 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram

at frankontheradio and email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Okie-kokie. Oh. Morning, everyone. Morning, morning, Zoe. Morning.

All the way from Brighton. Yeah. Yeah. Left the beach for you guys. Thanks. You live on the beach. On the beach. You're one of those guys. Yeah. Yeah. Left the beach for you guys. Do you live on the beach? On the beach. You want to ask guys who bonfire at night during the summer.

With me bongos. So it's very nearly Emily Dean's birthday, so we did presents. We started the day with gifts. I mean, my cup runneth over. I like to say... What was... Go opposite. I like to say that I'm not one to make a fuss about my birthday,

because I always think it... I like to say... You like to say it. Okay. I don't like to do it. No. Because I feel, in principle, it because I feel in principle it's a bit GC

isn't it? It's my birthday and no one got me anything but I feel I've trained you all well and boy did you deliver this morning I'm glad you haven't gone into the get into about 50

oh I don't really do birthdays anymore. Or, oh, I'm 21. Yeah, again. Yeah, exactly. You don't want to go into the 21 again thing. I've got, no, it's a bit Roseanne Clock that. I've got a T-shirt saying, football, that's all you ever think about.

Frank Skinner. That's attributed to, because he once said that to me. Yes, because the producer, Sarah, and Emily had fantasy league teams, and honestly, I just sat here thinking, why can't we talk about art and Ed Sheeran? That's saying something about footballed Frank.

Honestly, it was a real case of, will you stop just going on about it? So to have that on a T-shirt... It's been beautifully embroidered as well. That's not just printed on. That's been crafted. Yeah, I think Faye, the assistant producer, did that at home on a sampler.

She's sort of a medieval member of the team. Yeah, she bakes. Yeah. And embroiders. Embroiders. And she loves a tabard. I think she may weave. She may weave.

Got a bit of wattle and daub down her front. Can you still get a Fruit of the Loom? Do you remember Fruit of the Loom used to be a big brand? Yeah. I haven't heard of it's Wattle and Dorb. Anyway, there's other gifts. They were a great double act. Hello, I'm Wattle.

And I'm Dorb. And we are... OK. I would actually go and see them. I'd see that. Yeah. Dave Wattle and Mike Dorb. Do do you know i wondered where you were going to go with daub but mike had you nailed it because they're always the first names of double acts are

always a tremendous disappointment i think you think i wish i'd just known the surnames there yes you're absolutely right and it Lee, because Mike's tend to be Michaels now. Mike, it was very 70s to shorten your name to Mike. You know,

Little and Large is a great name, but Sid and Eddie, oh, those blokes. Those blokes who's always in

the pub. You know, that one that reads a novel instead of talking to people. Sid.

He's all right, but he's very quiet. That was you, basically, Frank. You were reading the novel. I couldn't read, I was too drunk. Sid. He's all right, but he's very quiet. That was you, basically, Frank. You were reading the novel. I couldn't read. I was too drunk.

Okay. Good morning, everyone. So, yes, the other gift. Now, this is something special. I have... I hold in my hands... I spoke with the Chancellor of Germany this morning. I have a blush pink leather dog poo bag carrier

engraved in gold with TCB, which stands for, Frank Skinner? Taking care of business. I mean, how brilliant is that? It's perfect. I just think someone now will commercially produce those because taking care of business, poo bag holder. Because of all those people who are obsessed by Elvis,

Blush Pink and dog poo. Yes. I mean, if you've gone dog lovers and Elvis fans, you've covered a great part of the planet. So, yeah, it is. It's a great gift. And that, again, emanates from the show. I don't know quite how, but I think even last week it was mentioned. And now it is. It's a great gift. And that, again, emanates from the show. I don't know quite how, but I think even last week it was mentioned.

And now it exists. It's a beautiful thing. I love that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I've been gigging this week at 21 Soho. You ever played there? I'm familiar. this week at 21 Soho. You ever played there? I haven't. I'm familiar,

I'm aware of the venue but I haven't played it yet. It's very, very Spick and Span. Is it? Yeah. Apparently it was... Spick and Span.

I don't really hear that outside of the musical, Annie. Yeah. Hello, I'm Spick and we're Span. Yeah. Hello, I'm Spick and we're Spam. Ken Spick and Alan Spam. No, it got done,

apparently. It got done on one of those makeover programmes. Oh, really? And they got a free refurb. Oh, that's quite clever. That's always clever.

Yeah. Well, they turned like sort of a shoddy old space. And like, what were you thinking? Well, sort of a cutting edge sort of theatrical creative space. Yeah, and it is. And there's like, yeah, it's lovely. When you walk down to the dressing room,

the other day you go downstairs into the dressing room and you go like a little, through a little lounge where they have spoken word events. And you could watch Wimbledon on this occasion. Very jolly. And then through to my dressing room, which is actually the podcast studio. Okay. So, yeah.

Doubles up. Yeah. You must have been in some dodgy dressing rooms in your time. I certainly have. And dodgy things in in your time i certainly have and um strangest one um and i i hope i don't disappear during the week having said this but we used to do there used to be one in battersea that was in a masonic hall that was the dressing room and it had all these things like it's had a coffin in it with a padlock on you know there's a lot of trust wow there's a lot you don't normally need them no you don't

normally nobody's coming out or not generally but um what could be in Birkenhead yeah another great double hat yeah yeah true but they actually executed on the same day, Birkenhead, because they were worried if they didn't that they'd keep digging each other up. They weren't executing. Don't text in and say they weren't executing on the same day. It was a jibe. He's doing his Birkenhead material. Yeah, you know, the Birkenhead material.

I'll be glad of that in Edinburgh. No, but in Edinburgh, local material. Yeah, they love it. So anyway, the 21 Soho, we've actually had someone, but in Edinburgh local material yeah they love it so anyway the 21 Soho we've actually had someone I don't think

I can read this out because Frank doesn't like to praise he likes it I like praise but I don't want to read it out

in public because if you look at me he doesn't like indulging look at me look at me see if I was

a professional DJ I'd play look at me by Jerry Halliwell nowgence. Look at me. Look at me. See, if I was a professional DJ, I'd play Look at Me by Geri Halliwell now. I know she's not called Geri Halliwell now, but she was then. Yeah. I'm trying to pre-empt all the texts of saying, yeah, well, you got that wrong, actually, because she...

Yeah, OK. But Rachel has... Can I say, she very much enjoyed watching you at 21 Soho. And she might have put a hashtag national treasure in there. Okay. Well, I had one of the things that happened. Someone was in the front row with, well, I'll make this into a cliffhanger,

something I've never seen anyone in the audience holding before. Oh, God. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, there was a woman in the front row and I thought she was holding a bolster. A what? You know a bolster, you know those circular pillows? Oh, yes. Or tubular. Tubular bolster, you know those circular pillows? Oh yes.

Or tubular. Tubular, what to prop you up in bed? Do you remember that Mike Arfield less successful sequel? Tubular pillows. It was quite a muted sound on it. We like tubular, just not pillows. The bolster pillow is, I see it very much in the bracket of the bed jacket, Frank.

Do you? Yeah, do you not? Well, I only recently found out what a bolster pillow was for. Zoe's looking at me like I've never seen a bolster pillow. Aren't they called a Dutch wife? No, that's something else. I'm pretty sure that's what it's called. I think that's something else in the bedroom.

Well, the idea of them is... I've got that completely wrong, haven't I? Frank, can you deal with this? Yeah, well, I'm moving on. That's how I'm handling it. No, the bolster. You know when you bolster someone, you bolster support and stuff like that?

It means you sort of add and... The idea with a bolster someone, you bolster support and stuff like that. It means you sort of, you add and... The idea with a bolster pillow, I'm really, I'm going to have to Google this. No, don't do that at home. I suggest you don't do that when Kath's looking at your history. Okay, okay. So it goes on to pillows if you want to sit up in bed. It's to bolster your pillows. Which is basically just getting off the pillow.

I know, but it's good to have the tubular pillow. So anyway, it wasn't to bolster. Oh. It was a Dax Hunt. A dog? Yeah. In the audience? Yeah, on the front row.

And I'm guessing not a guide dog. Do they have guide sausage dogs? I wouldn't think so. Imagine if they live in a place with very narrow alleys. I like the way... It'd be like a sort of torpedo guide dog for really, really speedy underwater movement. People who like ferreting.

Yeah, exactly. The trouble is with that is that the sausage dog would go through a narrow space and you wouldn't be able to follow them. Yeah. You know, like the cat whisker argument, the cat's whiskers are to measure whether they can get through the gap. I have a theory that's why women my age grow whiskers as we get older. The eyesight goes, the

chin hair grows and then you can feel your way through doorways. Very good. And I have a theory that footballers in the 70s used to have comb hovers so that when they blew they could tell whether they would get through a gap between two defenders. You see, that's one thing

I really miss is the footballer with the comb-over. Well, the comb-over itself has virtually disappeared. It's such a shame. I only have a seat now amongst the autograph community. My headmaster at school used to have this. My headmaster at school had a massive comb-over. And to the incredibly over-recycled carrier bag

to the point where the original design has crinkled away but the comb over is still popular I've put a few back in place just while mid chat without even

thinking about it can we just go back briefly to Frank's pronunciation can you say the name of the dog again the Dachshund

is that wrong Dachshund oh why do you say it sausage dog I liked your... No, it just felt very Germanic. I enjoyed it.

Well, it's a German dog, of course. It means... Which is hence... Meaning? Do you know what it translates as literally? Oh, quite lovely. I think it's badger dog, isn't it? Lovely.

Yes. Correct. I... Because they often used to wear, wear like seven or eight badges, like, again, popular amongst the autograph community. Well, I would have said it's similar to you, but when I had Rob Beckett on my podcast, he said, Daschend, he said it was Daschend.

Yeah, well, I often go to him for my foreign pronunciations. For dog naming. Yeah, I mean, he's the last comedian you'd phone for a foreign pronunciation list. He'd be on there, I think. Yeah, Dashund. Well, I think it's Dax Hunt. Hunt I'm common with.

Because here is Lumpy, Lumpy is mine. Hunt was one of the first. Yeah, a mix of a totus which dogs don't normally get. Yeah, when I learnt German at school, that was one of the first ever slides that we had was hier ist Lompi

Lompi ist mein Hund. Here's Lompi Lompi is my dog. Did it come in handy on visits to Germany? It did, actually. I had to, obviously it meant that my dog had to travel under a false name frank skinner on absolute radio when you mention the fact that the the dax hunt is german um do you remember during, I think it was possibly the early stages of one of those invasions that the Americans and the British did with Bush and Blair,

and the French wouldn't send any troops, and in America there was a protest, so they wouldn't call French fries French fries anymore. Do you remember what they called them? Freedom fries. Yeah, and also Liberty fries was one of remember what they called them freedom fries yeah and and also liberty fries was one of the things they got called and in world war one the dax hunt because it was a german dog they went once america went into the war they called them liberty hounds really yeah can you believe that?

The Liberty Hound. Because they wouldn't say the German word. Yeah. Oh. Oh, that's all my, I think that's all my accent. They could have just stuck with sausage dog. They do, I think they call them wiener hounds. Wiener hound.

Yeah. Wiener hound. Another one. I had a very good. Weinerhounds. Another one. I had a very good... Thank you. Blondie. Do you know, for Lena,

I was watching a programme. It was on early doors this morning. I've never seen this before. It was called Dogs... You watched a programme on early doors. Was it Medieval Cathedral Entrances? It was about tabards. Series.

Wattle and Doorpatch. I'm going to do that. Medieval Cathedral Entrances. Early doors with Frank Skier. Yeah, look at the hinges on that. Yeah. Oh, dear. Hinge and Brackett could be on it.

What were their first names? Daphne. No, I think it was Dame Evadne Hinge and Hilda Brackett. Hilda Brackett, yes. Come on, that is impressive. So I was watching, it was one of the 6.30am's, you know, and it was something like, it was called Dogs with Extraordinary Jobs. And I thought, well, this will be good.

What accountancy. Well, I thought, I was hoping for architect, I'm not going to lie. Or maybe orthodontist, something a bit... I got let down like this the first time I tuned into Animal Hospital. I thought it'd be like Alsatians with scalpels gaffer-taped to their paws doing minor operations. With those white clogs. Yeah, yeah.

It was very disappointing. Dalmatian pushing a trolley past. Oh, Pomeranian on the reception, I imagine. Did you hear the Pomeranian scandal this week? No. Somewhere, I think it's somewhere in East England, which is a phrase you don't hear that often, someone sold a bunch of Pomeranians,

Pomeranian poppies, on the internet. Pomeranian poodle pup. Yeah, you know Pomeranians, the tiny little fluffy dogs. And then none of them developed quite as they expected and they turned out to be guinea pigs. Oh, wow. It was a scam. Oh.

I know that. Do you think that's Ray? Your dog's a guinea pig. My dog's a guinea pig. It's like the man on my street who I think he bought, I think he thought he bought a pygmy pig, one of those little pigs. What was he?

It was a massive pig. It was just a baby pig. It was just a baby pig. It was just a baby pig that grew into a massive pig and he lived on the second floor. Oh, no. Oh, wow. Imagine that day when you decide I'm going to have to slaughter. Oh, no.

Now you're hoping for a pet and you ended up getting a larder full. Yeah. That's an awful moment. The dogs with extraordinary jobs... Hold on, we have to make this a cliffhanger. I'm looking very, very much forward to what the extraordinary jobs are, but we'll see. Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. So, anyway, the dogs with jobs, is that what it was called? Dogs with extraordinary jobs. OK, I hope this is not going to be a documentary about poo. That'd be a really misleading title, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah, that one's got a mouse skull in it. Or maybe a dog owned by the love child of Steve Jobs with a first name extraordinary.

Yeah. You never know. Yeah. I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed. Oh. I mean, what were you hoping for, Frank? Alsatian anaesthetists or something? Yeah, exactly, yeah.

I don't know about that. That would be really worrying. I was thinking accountants or maybe solicitors. Imagine you were going for an operation out of the station. Is it going to be like the ones that

do the sniffing at festivals? Yeah, airport. I once saw a sniffer dog. I don't know if he was doing it on purpose, but it was walking on the baggage carousel

and not moving. It's like it was moonwalking. That's cool. And it made me think, I need never take the dog for a walk again. I just put it on the... Just buy a massive luggage carousel for your living room. No, but you can have one of those treadmills at home.

I've never thought of that. Have you ever done that with your dog? Just get a treadmill. Get a treadmill. We're all dog owners. Or get a chihuahua and take it to Yo Sushi and just watch it thought of that. Have you ever done that with your dog? Just get a treadmill. Get a treadmill. We're all dog owners. Or get a chihuahua and take it to Yo Sushi and just watch it walk around that. I tried it, but the dog worked out

that it could do that itchy romp thing on it without having to pull itself along. And then, you know, I didn't want it. Once it had got a go-faster stripe on the treadmill. You can't retain any dignity once a dog does that, does it? No, no. Really? Watch me. Come on, what are their extraordinary jobs?

I mean, I'm sure they're... I think they should rebrand this, rename it Dogs with Quite Helpful Jobs. Right, OK. OK. I'd tune into that. Has there ever been a TV show with the word quite in the title? No, because we're not far off that.

No, because I'm not a commissioning editor. But when I am, I'd like right. 8, 12, 15 is a TV show title with quite in it. Great accent. Dogs are quite helpful jobs. It's things like herding. Oh,

okay. Well, when the herd moves, it moves fast. So there were things like sniffing out

endangered species. Sniffing out endangered species? I don't know if I'd trust a dog with that job. Oh, yeah,

there's only three, two of those left. Drop it! Drop it! Drop it! Drop it. Drop it. Drop it.

Drop the dodo. Drop the dodo would be a great band. That would be a good game as well, wouldn't it? The rescue dogs. Again, quite helpful. Yeah. Not very extraordinary. That's not extraordinary.

Unless, of course, they're on motorbikes. Do you mean from dog rescue things or dogs that rescue? Dogs that rescue. Oh, dog, yeah. I'm thinking St Bernard with small barrel of rock fitted to the front of the car. With brandy. Brandy. I don't know if they have the brandy anymore, do they?

Did they ever? Well, I think they probably did once, but I don't think they're allowed anymore. Well, so you could have in an avalanche situation as a brandy. Is that right? Well, it opens up the blood vessels and you cool down even more how the hell do you know that yes yes i remember reading this in your book the killer st bernard's yeah yeah night of the killer st bernard's yeah that's so the dogs are there deliberately just knocking you off yeah yeah oh man that is an unusual job, isn't it? Yeah, I suppose that it's...

For years of dogs being put out of their misery by humans, they're getting their own back. Yeah. Oh, wow. So there's... There are things like... There's the Newfoundland named Reef who was teaching a German shepherd water rescue. What, dogs teaching dogs?

No, teaching it, yeah. Which is on the side of a pool with a whistle and some speedos like that. Wow, the blind leading the blind. And they had things, search and rescue border collies. Yeah. Because they're very,

they really are quite helpful. I've got a Jack Russell, I don't know what he'd do for a job. Probably sell stuff down the market. I've got a Jack Russell. I don't know what he'd do for a job. Probably sell stuff down the market. I've got a Dutch wife. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Zoe Lyons is with us today. Please text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via

frank at absoluteradio.co.uk You asked our readers, our lovely readers, to send in any TV shows they could think of with quite in the title. Oh, yes. And that was following, we were talking about Extraordinary Dogs.

Quite interesting dogs. And I said they were what they were. Well, dogs with extraordinary jobs. Dogs with extraordinary jobs. And I said it should be called Dogs That Are Quite Helpful. Yes. So we have Snooki 100. I mean, I think a lot of our readers are reaching,

but, you know, this is why we love them. Yes. Dr. Quite Medicine Woman. Wow. I like Snooki. Yeah. Juan Lyle. Dr. Quite would have been a very nuanced version of Dr. Now, wouldn't it?

Not negative, but a little bit reticent. That's how I find him. Juan Lyle says, Credit where it's due, dogs sniffing out a tiger or blue whale would both be unusual and highly impressive and dangerous? So that was a dog-related one. But then we have Darren McKay. They don't have dogs working as comedy critics, do they?

Well, unless they're Dash Allen and you're an audience. That's what I'm thinking. Do they have a tiny notepad? He had one of those, you know those pens that light up when you're writing with them? I've seen those on Critics before. And Red Wine Mouth, maybe. I've seen those on Critics before. Yeah. Oh.

And Red Wine Mouth, maybe. I've seen those on Critics before. Darren McKay, Quatermass, but only in Wolverhampton. Quater? Quatermass? Yeah. Oh, that's when people used to say you know kipper ties those big broad ties or someone

ordering a drink in Birmingham can I have a kipper tie please they never quite work the one that we keep getting through and a number of our readers have sent in is people are asking does QI count of course because it does stand for it stands for interesting doesn't it yeah it's interesting

it's interesting it's almost like it is quite interesting that someone at the qi thing in the early days must have thought we can't have quite in the um in the title because that's never happened and somebody said what about um dr quite medicine well no you'll find that's wrong so they didn't go quite maybe there is no actual tv pro with quite in there and hopkins one of our regulars he's been in touch to say with regards to working dogs bracket sounds like a philip larkin poem a mate of mine rehomed a retired police dog I like that he's driving a rover. We used to have to separate them with a broom in my days. Oh, do you remember?

The rover was the police car, wasn't it? Yeah. Was it? Yeah. Do you remember the Rover? Do you remember Zoe? Yeah. Oh, I loved it.

I think I remember the Panda car. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I loved a Rover. That used to be... Very rare now, the Panda car. Very, very rare.

Get a few in China in captivity. Just rolling about. Well, everyone's sort of got the same car now, but those were the days when your car was a real statement, wasn't it? I tell you what I like. So if you drove a Daimler, that said a lot. What about when you see, like, just an ordinary car and suddenly blue lights come on it?

Have you ever seen that? Yes. It's suddenly transforming to that. You get the little blue lights right at the front, right in the grille. Yeah. Is that the undercover police? Yeah.

I think so, yeah. Otherwise someone slightly badly designed one of those stretch limos for hen parties where the lights would be on the inside. Or the LED lighting underneath. I never fully understood those. For Al Jannah. Yeah.

Fun. That's the answer to that. So what did turn up with the police, retired police? It was an Alsatian. I don't know, yes. He's just said he, that's the extent of his. I don't have any further information at this stage. Is it just Alsatians that work for the police or do they have...

It's just Alsatian. They have undercover poodles. Yeah. Do they have undercover poodle? I'd love that. Undercover poodles that just hang around, you know, in the rougher dog areas and no one's got any idea. And then suddenly they whip out their ID.

I hate it when they do that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, that was The Queen's Head with Your God Owes You Money. Actually, speaking of, I should do a couple of thank yous while we have this. Robin Haley sent me some pants through the post. Pants? Can you keep your private life out of the show, please? I wanted to send this last christmas open brackets tune

but didn't saw your little gig at 21 sour on monday went to give it to you then but you were too interested in your doctor who dolls um someone gave me um i don't call them dolls they gave me it figurines yes some action type figures from the 19... That sounds much more acceptable and macho, figurines. Yeah. Like Doctor Who figurines. From the 1964 serial The Censorites,

if you're interested. Not really. Okay. Zoe, we're going to get along. Okay, good. And also, while I'm on it, Chris Q, as in the gardens, sent me, sent you and I actually, Emily,

some bin stickers, all of which are ponds on the word bin. So I've got like Jeremy Corbin, spelt B-I-N. Okay. And for you, he's gone for Bindi Crawford. Oh, OK. I quite enjoyed that. And you stick them on your bins to make them distinctive. It's not a little problematic, is it?

I think it's OK. Well, I think it's... Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I think it's all right. Is that to stop your neighbours nicking your bins? I think it's for that... You know that moment when the bins have been left on the pavement, they're all gathered together.

I'm just glad he's avoided the obvious on the bin front, because I wouldn't have felt comfortable with that. Well, I think his most inventive one is that my son is a massive Alice Cooper fan, and he obviously thought, well, I want to include that, massive Alice Cooper fan and he obviously thought well I want to include that and he has really pushed it and he's gone for Vincent

Furnier which is Alice's real name is Vincent Furnier so that I mean that's extra effort that's the extra mile metal bin sticker talk yes Alan Del Monte

okay you don't hear a lot about him anymore do you? Metal bin sticker talk. Yes. Alan Del Monte. Okay. Okay. You don't hear a lot about him anymore, do you? No, no. He was a very positive character. He was huge in the 80s. He was, yeah. I wonder if he ever met Doctor Now.

Did we establish... I mean, we should say, for younger readers, Frank, do you want to explain who we're talking about with del monte well there used to be um popular canned fruit um the company of of uh was called del monte and the man from del monte never quite clear whether he owned del monte or whether he was some sort of traveling rep what was his i always felt like he was a rep like he was just sort of wandering around other people's orchards i like he was a rep. Like he was just sort of wandering around other people's orchards

just nicking their pineapples. No, no, because I tell you, he always, he had a Panama hat. Did he, I think? No, you're thinking of Michael Morpurgo. No!

He loved a Panama. Yeah, well, he probably was from Panama, so it's sort of, Well, do you want to finish this story? Anyway, he would turn up at a plantation.

In the ad, this was. Yeah, and it might be like an orange grove. And he would try a few oranges. And obviously, this is for the people who ran the grove. Big day. Yeah, they looked like low-income families. This was quite a big decision, whether they were going to get this massive contract.

Yeah. And then there would be, he would smile and nod and someone would say, the man from Del Monte, he say yes. Yeah. You know, I mean, they would be Spanish, native Spanish speakers. For several years, I don't know, my mother certainly continued using that

catchphrase, I'm afraid, well beyond its sell-by date. I mean, up until probably the 2000s. I think my family used those tinned fruit well beyond their sell-by date. They never go off. They last to infinity and beyond, don't they? Tinned fruit.

What's that Australian film, Welcome to Wom Wom, or something like that, about a tinned fruit. What's that Australian film? Welcome to One One or something like that about a tinned fruit plantation. This isn't radio, is it? It's conversation. It's just conversation. We'll come back to all this. We've had some

news, rather sad news. We were discussing the man from Del Monte. Yes, we were just explaining that his basic role was to decide on fruit orchards and whether they were good or bad. And the big thing was the men from Del Monte, him say yes, he say yes. He say yes.

Roy Rockcliffe and several other people, but Roy Rockcliffe has got in touch to say the man from Del Monte died, I think it might have been yesterday, age 91. He was from Bolton. Hold it, he was from Bolton? Yeah.

You know what? I know this is makes me something of a naive you thought he was from Ecuador or yeah I really

I'm in the Michael Caine mould remember Michael Caine saw a coffee advert fell in love with the woman spoke to his agent and said I'm

obsessed with this woman do you have any contacts in Brazil and he said I think she lives in Hendon. Yeah. That's what I had with the Churchill dog. It turned out he's all posh and from Knightsbridge.

I thought he was going to be a lovely down-to-earth dog. That's awful. Man from Del Monte. Oh, yes. I've heard that a few times. He, just a few credits in case you're interested he made film appearances in Carry On Sergeant

okay with William Hartnell actually the first Doctor who I was given an action figure of on Monday night are we back to that? Zoe we're always back to that Revenge of the Pink Panther oh brilliant

and the Heroes of Telemach. Which I love that film. The Heroes of Telemach. My mother's boyfriend is in that film. You see, that's incredible. Not really. Yeah, it's set in Norway during the Second World War. And Kirk Douglas, isn't it?

Yeah, it's based on the Norwegian heroes who tried to defeat the Nazis. But the reason I love it is... I'm afraid my mother's boyfriend, I'm afraid he was on the wrong side, but, you know. Well, you know, it's acting. It's acting, isn't it? Yeah. There's some of the jumpers in that film. The sweaters are exceptional. Have you got mixed up with the heroes of Primark?

No. Possibly. The heroes of Walmart. Yeah, one of those low-budget movies. You have to flick through till you find something in the right size. Oh, I Walmart. Yeah, one of those low-budget movies. You have to flick through till you find something in the right size. Oh, I know. The Heroes of...

Oh, it's... I don't know it. Oh, it's a really... Kurt Douglas in the little jumper and he's got a little knapsack on and it's really iconic. You'd love it, Frank. I'm surprised it hasn't...

I mean, it's on pretty much every Christmas. Is it really? I sort of have it as a vague memory, but don't know anything about it. He also was in The Avengers, The Persuaders, Zed Cars and Casualty. Oh, top man. Yeah.

It says here as well that the man from Del Monte, he filmed 25 commercials shown in 32 countries. That's a big contract, isn't it? That's a lot. That's nice. That's all I'm saying is, if you're the man from Del Monte and they go, there's going to be 25 of these,

you're like, sweet ass. I'll tell you what you're going to say, Zoe, when you see that. You're going to say yes! That's what Del Monte said when they put the phone down from his agent. Yeah, he'd say yes. Yeah, well, good on him.

What an amazing career. That's a good... I should think Gary Lineker's beaten that on the Chris Bads. More than twice. Yeah, there's quite a few Chris Bads out there. I'm guessing. He says yes. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. There's a lot of shuffling of paper. I try the news in here, isn't it? I said Trevor McDonald's just come into the studio. Thank you. Breaking news. Breaking news.

Breaking news. As we know, summer is here. And time to crack open an alternative wardrobe, I think. I've been wearing my shorts since April. Right. I like people who make summer happen. Yeah. I've been wearing my shorts since April. You've gone like people who make summer happen. Yeah. I've been wearing my shorts since April.

You've gone combat today though. I'm surprised you can see me over here because I'm wearing quite a lot of camo. But this is very Brighton you see. This is yeah, this is allowed. Women of my age are allowed to wear. I came here on my skateboard because I live in Brighton. That's allowed. but i was reading about jerry horner formerly jerry halliwell oh yes

and apparently now she only wears white that she's cut out all the confusion all the choices all the daily decisions and just has a wardrobe made up of predominantly white and i'm going to say cream and just has a wardrobe made up of predominantly white, and I'm going to say cream. Oh, I didn't know she lapsed into cream. She lapsed into cream. Yeah. Yeah, I think full fat cream as well. Not sort of an oatly cream, like a proper full fat cream.

Right, okay. I can't believe that Gerry Horner does a full fat anything. No, but that's it. She doesn't fear a gold button, though. Oh, she'll accessorise with a button. Oh, but that's it. She doesn't fear a gold button though. Oh, she'll accessorise with a button. Oh, she will. I'll tell you what, when I read this, I thought oh, showbiz.

Because I thought, this was the most famous person, one of the most famous people on the planet, what, 30 years ago. She has worn only white clothes since 2019 yeah and nobody's noticed until this week that's hard it's a big statement if you would think people would have picked up but no one has noticed if you started dressing like a zen monk over a decade ago well i could nobody's

i could do it till year zero now and no one would notice it with me. But I mean, she was enormous. I think the problem is, white, you know, it's meant to symbolise all these wonderful things like, you know, purity and innocence.

I do associate it with the corrupt cult leader, Netflix documentary. They do favour a white robe they do and Yarny you know Yarny the new age musician have you ever seen him

is it Yarny I believe it's I don't know it's Yarny in our house when we chant his name we're waiting for the Netflix live gig to kick in. Yarny, yarny. When it's buffering, yarny, yarny.

Then he comes on. Bit of wail, bit of wail backing singers. Oh, no. Yeah, I know what you mean. I'd be worried about someone who wore white all the time unless they were heavily involved in test cricket. Do you know when I read this, it actually made me physically stressed. I felt anxious about it.

All white? No. Yeah, it's a stress fest, wearing white, isn't it? I'm flumsy. I almost never. She's basically embraced the life of the Roman citizen, really. Like a toga party gone too far.

I'd like to go to one of those. A toga party? Yeah, because they did, I'm not clear, perhaps one of our readers knows, but I understood that a lot of the time we assume that Romans wore all white.

Because actually we're basing it on statues. Yes. And there were pops of colour. Particularly for magistrates. Pops of colour. This idea that they just wore... Oh, Caesar, I love what you've done. Do you like it? Is it popping?

Is it popping? It's my laurel that's popping. That's why Laurel popped. Caesar, what about a pop of Cerise? Cerise, a pop of Cerise. They must have just called toga parties parties back in the day. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

If you wore a toga, Frank, what shade would you go? I see you in a burgundy. Oh, I don't know about a burgundy. Why not? Burgundy? I don't know if I can... I don't want it a burgundy. Why not? Burgundy? I don't know if I'm... I don't want it to sort of clash with my veins. There's an irony to this.

Geri Halliwell only ever wears white. We were talking about... I agree with you, zoe i almost i rarely wear it because i always think i'm going to get something on it yeah um she bought me many years ago she bought me three pairs of white boxer shorts jerry did jerry did, yeah. No way. And, I mean, that's... What, you stayed over? That's a treble stress fest, white masters. What the hell was going on? I mean, I couldn't look my cleaner in the eye for months.

That's why she left me for Daniel Craig. Did you know that? Your cleaner left you for Daniel Craig? She did. She swapped Calvins for Speedos. Wow. But anyway, so... Can you believe it? Yeah, so I've...

Yeah, I think I've still... I think one of those pairs of boxes still survives, the Jerry box. The Jerry box. I passed on some pants. No easy way of saying this. Some pants that David Gandy had given me for you. Yeah, they're very...

I'm still working my way through them. Do you wear the Gandhi pants? I do. I've virtually worn them out. Oh, wow. I work very visually, and that's going to stay with me for a while. Trust me, it'll stay with all of us.

Well, I work very musically, and all I can think is, yeah, what's going to cover that, though, Frank? The Gandhi pants can. Oh? The Gandhi pants can. Oh, the Gandhi pants can. Oh, we love Gandhi. Yes. David Gandhi runabout.

I mean, we love all the Gandhis. David Gandhi's lovely. But he's a prominent pants. I would imagine if you'd got pants off Mahatma Gandhi, they'd be slightly baggier. Yeah, they would be. Yeah. And also, they'd be straight on eBay.

Yeah. I'll be honest with you. Mahatma Gandhi pants. And we're as David Gandhis will stay on eBay. Yeah. So. I need a noise of some sort for that. That was so good.

A horn or a. Hold on. Something. I have it. That sounds like outside number 10 this week. I'll tell you. Can I say, by the way, we don't really do political comment on this show, but if you're the Prime Minister and you're going to make a major speech,

get a nice lectern. make a major speech get a nice lectern yes don't get one that looks like it's from some terrible corporate gig in northamptonshire four-star hotel it's got like laminate on it or something it's one of those flea you can put it you can put your fist through it it's one of those that's just got sticky on it i mean it's a prime minister prime minister. I want one of those eagle wings. You'd want solid wood. You'd want solid wood. Oh, dear. No, he might have...

And that's a sentence I don't often say. No. But I would want something of your structure. He had the nastiest... Honestly, if I had to write a list of nasty lecterns, you might as well have had one of those see-through plastic lecterns that people have on their

mopeds when they're doing the knowledge. You know those ones with a map on it? I'll tell you what you might have had. No, but so, specifically, a very cheap royal blue clipboard. You know those ones? That would have been better.

If you're doing a driving awareness test or something. That would have been better. I was thinking, don't lean on that. It's going to go. Flimsy. If he'd just gone, good afternoon, and lent on it and the whole thing had just fallen over. Imagine if he was saying,

is that the only lectern we've got? That thing. Yeah, but if it had blown over, can you imagine that to the strains of they should have had that letter you know that black on gold lettering that people stick on that's slightly angled you know that really terror the worst lettering ever they should have had that on the front with prime minister on it is that the leaving lectern though is there a better one when you're arriving? No, I just think they've got one rubbish lectern in that sort of historical home.

For goodness sakes. Lectern hell, that's what I'm calling this week. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Zoe Lyons. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk.

We discuss the former Ginger Spice. Oh, my God, George Sir. Yeah. And her very white wardrobe. Her very white wardrobe. I remember hearing a story about the great Terence Dix. You know Terence Dix? No, no buts.

He was quite a major writer, stroke, script editor on Doctor Who. Oh, right. And his publisher, he wrote several, many, many books. His publisher said that she went for lunch. They're not all out of print, actually. Well, they are. You can get two dirty copies on eBay. No, that is not true.

His target books are to continue to sell. Nevertheless, I mean, that's a desperate man. His target books continue to sell continue will you let me tell it so his publisher I met his publisher and she said I took Terence out for lunch as publishers do

and she said he had a white polo neck sweater on oh oh no yeah that's instantly my armpits

started to sweat with anxiety. But that's peak 70s, man. With like a black jacket. And then, anyway, she knocked a glass of red wine over and it went over the thing and she went, oh, my God, Terrence, I'm sorry, that's the worst possible thing. And what did he say?

And he said, I'll sort it out. And he went off to the toilet and then came back and he said, all gone. What does he do? And she said, how did you do that? He said, I turned it round. That's why you wear a polo neck. Yeah. It's a rotatory top.

It's perfect, isn't it? Do you know what? I'm now rethinking my wardrobe with... Are you? Pale polo necks. Yeah, you can just spin the whole thing round. Yeah, I mean, why do they make... And it still looks like a horrible white polo neck.

Well, he wore it well. Little old-fashioned, but why did they do that thing with T-shirts where they're slightly lower at the front? You know, they're just stopping you from rotating because they want you to get a new T-shirt. The polo neck is very associated. I mean, I do associate it

with the sort of sci-fi villain, really. Particularly white. Yeah. Because that's very future. Frank, what was that thing you made me watch recently?

And I was crying with love. Space 1999. Yeah, there's a lot of whites. There's a lot of whites and a lot of polo neck. There's a lot of VPL. Yeah. I mean, everyone's got white. I was There's a lot of whites and a lot of polo, Nick. There's a lot of VPL. Yeah. I mean, everyone's got white.

I've never turned anything on, Zoe. If anyone wants a good laugh, turn on this show that Frank likes. Space what? I'm writing it down. Space 1999. Space 1999, right. Well, I mean, it's a sci-fi. You know Gerry Anderson who made all the Thunderbirds?

It was when he sort of went live action. Okay. And I'll tell you, there was a strange thing in it. There was a children's pop presenter called Aisha Broth. Very beautiful young woman who I had a big crush on when I was a child. And she used to wear a big silver A pendant, A for Aisha. Right. And she was one of those, you know, sci-fi girls used to get in the...

I was watching an original Star Trek the other day and there was a whole conversation done with three scantily clad women just standing in the background like scenery. Different times. We didn't know. Different times. We didn't know. Different times.

Anyway, Aisha Brough in Space 1999, I hope I've got this right because the most unforgiving audience of all is the sci-fi. If it's UFO, I'm in big trouble. I'm suddenly thinking, no, it's UFO, Frank, it's UFO. Anyway, carry on. And she wore the eye pendant in the drama over the top of her space uniform. So unprofessional.

I mean, you can't do that. I mean, what are you going to do if you've got it in the RSC or something? No, I'm sorry, I have to wear the eye pendant. Yeah, I have to, yeah. I'd wear it. Yeah. I'd totally wear it. No, you'm sorry. I have to wear the apron. Yeah, I have to, yeah. I'd wear it. Yeah. I'd totally wear it. No, you can't.

I'd take it. Would you wear a lurex pantsuit with a belt? You know me. Why are you pretending that that isn't what she's wearing

at the moment? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, Jerry, just to round off this Jerry Halliwell thing, it reminded me of some really out-of-date advice I was given. It's out-of-date now. A driver who I used to have regularly said to me,

never start a relationship in the summer because everybody looks good with a tan and the reason that Jerry thinks I reminded if you got a tan on holiday you would always wear white when you went back to work to accentuate yeah oh but I told you I can't bear that people are people are rivals in white and flip-flops. A white capri-cut trouser. Oh, come on. Have some self-respect. But the idea now that people only have tans in the summer seems like an alien concept indeed.

When you're out in the fields working, that's where you get your tan. So now I suppose you could have to modify that to don't have a relationship because everybody looks good with a tan. That's it. Do you have a white man from Del Monte suit? I don't. I have a cream suit that I have worn for Test cricket watching.

Yeah. You see, if you were only allowed one colour, like, if you were allowed, if you're going to go for one colour in the wardrobe, what would you go for? You can only wear one colour all year round. Don't even have to think about it. Go on, thanks, Skinner.

It'd be green for me. Green? Yeah. Green. What the hell is wrong with you? No, I, first of all, I like to co-ordinate with coordinate with my teeth but also I just love girl of green if anyone asked me any question about color like my partner

this week said to me we're getting like a new thing in the front room and she said what what they're suggesting gray I'm thinking why what do you think I said green and I think we might go for that. Great. It's a lawn, it's a small lawn. I mean, you should have said it. You say great, it depends on if it's a fireplace or No, it's the area above the fireplace and behind the

telly, if you really want to know. You know that sort of square above the fireplace where you put the telly? The chimney shaft. Your where? Chimney shaft, shaft again was the less successful sequel to Richard Roundtree in Shaft. Chimney shaft.

Right on. Where does the broom go when you are cleaning it? Chimney shaft. Right on. Yeah. Queen. Sorry, I'm going to let this go, but it's quite a sort of robin of shirt words.

It's a bold statement. Yes. I've got two or three green suits, green shirts. You've got a green suit? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I just love it.

Wow. I didn't realise it was going to be regarded with such horror. It's not horror. If you had to wear one colour all the time, what would it be? Well, for starters, it wouldn't be green. Okay, look, we've established that. But it can't be black, can it? Otherwise, you're going to be like one of those people who works in the media

who thinks I wear black all the time and that makes me look a bit mysterious and a bit like Edna in the Incredibles I'd look like so I've got to be careful of black I think you might be able to guess there is a colour that I favour a lot you like pink you couldn't wear pink all the time

I could I could. Could you? Oh, I could, my friend. You'd have to have your eyebrows raised so they hovered three inches above your head like the pink panthers used to. And also, at this time in my life, I think it's so eccentric, old woman living on the coast. To be totally pink, that really would be something.

Don't you think? I think I'd go brown. Brown? Yeah. Just, it's really practical. Why are you two so earthy? Yeah, so we've gone very autumnal. Yeah, me and you should walk in the forest and surprise people.

Woodlands, imps. Yeah, Sylvanian families. Yeah. That's where we could end up if it all goes well. I'll turn up in a pink tiara and spoil it all. That'd be a great, where are they now? Frank Skinner and Zoe Lyons live in a wood in Sussex. Of a tree. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. We've had some outside world contributions from our lovely readers. 386, in what might be the most Frank Skinner communique ever, says it was UFO Frank. I think I did falter partway through and think it's UFO, isn't it? I'm on the wrong track. That's John from Cambridge.

Thanks for helping me out with that though, John. I stand corrected. 988, Frank, I'm on the wrong track. That's John from Cambridge. Thanks for helping me out with that though, John. I stand corrected. 988, Frank, I'm very confused. Do you mean a polo neck or a turtle neck? Oh, I'm confused. I've never really cleared that up. Has one got a roll over and one just round? A turtle neck is far roomier okay far roomier there's sometimes even

folds with a turtleneck yeah well there's folds with a real turtleneck well as i'm finding out at the stage in the game oh the polo neck, very neat. Tight. Very tight. Oh, I see. Do you see the difference? So what I'm saying is the turtle, the polo neck is more your lot, the sci-fi people. Yes. Saying, Doctor, we need the perimeter. Then you have the turtle neck is more...

No one has ever said we need the perimeter. I don't know what they say. I don't know what they say, the weird new clothing. Okay. Or the turtleneck is more American mom. Okay. Well, as it was Terrence, I'm going to say it was the former of those. Polo. Okay.

I'm more polo than turtle. And turtles don't really have a neck. They have a neck, but not like a scrunchy neck, do they? Are we talking Turtles now? Turtles. The actual Turtles. The actual Turtles don't have a scrunchy neck, do they? I don't know.

I generally see them from above. Yeah. Are we talking... Surely a Turtle neck jumper would be like a turtle where you could just pull your entire head into the jumper. No, out of the jumper. And then out of the jumper again. And you know those leather knee pads?

The whole back of it would be made of that, wouldn't it? Yeah, that would be a turtleneck jumper. You couldn't carry off an actual carapace because that would be uncomfortable. And your arms would go in the top and your legs would go out the bottom of the turd. Yeah. It's a sort of all-in-one turtle.

Well, it wouldn't just be turtle leg. I wear a turtle leg jumper that incorporates the leg holes. 8984 has gone in touch to say brown only and polar necks? 8984 has gone in touch to say, brown only and polar necks?

Would be the double of Velma. Yeah, I think I would be. Oh yeah, obviously you need a horn rimmed spectacle. And I'd have got away with it too if it hadn't been for those pesky kids. What about what was his name?

The guy with the shaggy? Yeah, shaggy. Yeah. He favoured a V-neck, didn't he? Mmm. Very loose, loose. Almost a surgical scrub. A sloppy job.

I think Freddie might have worn a polo neck sometimes. You know the honky handsome one? Oh, yes. The one who picked a creepy night to go for a drive. Yeah. Yeah? Still, I don't think we should go too far down this. No, not Scooby.

There is well-trodden comedy path. No. Scooby-Doo. Yeah. I used to do Scooby. I think I used to do Scooby-Doo material, didn't I? No, maybe not. I don't know.

I don't know. It's been a long time. We've also heard from The Real MG, Frank, when I was pregnant, my tummy was so big that everything I ate spilt down my top, so I invested in slash neck tops. And every day after lunch at work, I'd pop to the loo and turn it round.

And then put my jacket back on. Sorted. It was a game changer. So the slash neck. The slash neck? Yeah. Are you familiar with the slash neck? I'm game changer so the slash neck the slash neck yeah are you familiar with the slash not really it looks like it's been cut and you put your head through it is it like yes slash neck yeah is it like a food hammock do things just gather and you i don't know what that is no but like when you drop food does she oh i think slash neck was my uh nickname at school

I think Slashnet was my nickname at school. Oh, God. We've had a message from Chris, who appears to be a Leicester City fan, from his avatar. Tell Frank, the Heroes of Telemark is on iPlayer at the moment. Apologies for any spelling mistakes.

There you go. You can catch it, the Heroes of Telemark. on iPlayer at the moment. Apologies for any spelling mistakes. There you go. Okay. You can catch it, the heroes of Telemark. I might check. I often pursue knitwear-centric films. Oh, honestly, Frank, it'll change your life. Okay. Yeah. And Stephen Headley briefly just says,

on the bin theme... Yeah. You were talking about sort of puns related to... Or stickers on bins or whatever. Example, Frank. You got one. Jeremy Corbin. Jeremy Corbin. So Stephen Headley has suggested

Harold Rubbishop. Rubb Bishop. Okay. I thought he was going to say Harold Binta. But where's the Binta? Oh, rubbish. Oh, I see. Sorry, I didn't understand.

And Trashford and Simpson. I don't know what that means they did Solid as a Rock oh okay Solid as a Rock there you go yeah

okay I know their work I just don't know their name alright that's enough on the bins I want to know

what's been happening in the world of the Lions the Lions yeah I've been making some rash shopping choices okay yeah so in the last week i've bought i bought a weighted vest now wait a weighted vest yes okay

white at the bottom no waited all over i know weighted blankets are really in at the moment, aren't they? To make you feel sort of calm and collected. Oh, really? Yeah, a weighted blanket. They're really heavy. Honestly, you could get trapped under a weighted blanket. Oh, no. I would say if you're using a weighted blanket,

take your mobile phone under the blanket with you in case you need to call for help and this ain't Bernard with a barrel of something around his neck. Honestly, that gives me a shudder, the idea of a weighted blanket it's the idea that you remember when you were a kid when i would certainly when i was a kid now i used to stay at my nana's house they had like those eider downs i guess yeah yeah and then cigarettes and no we had that we had like about 17 things on top of the bed yeah so it and then things on top of us in bed. Yeah. And then you were sort of tucked in.

Pre-duper. So you were basically just sort of like a human burrito. Yeah. Oh, like the hospital corners. Yeah, exactly. We were in the hospital corner. You could sleep. You could have slept in a massive tombola canister. And you wouldn't have moved.

And you wouldn't have fallen out of bed. You could have been rotated. You could have been like a rotisserie chicken. Yes, yeah. Yeah, but even that, that sounds all snug, whereas the white, I'll tell you what the weighted blanket reminds me of. I grew up watching a great many Westerns, and sometimes someone's horse would be shot from under them,

and they would fall trapped under the horse. The original weighted blanket. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And you had to wait for it to decay before you could get off she said I don't like being that close to buzzards do you know what I mean I hate buzzards

anyway I bought a weighted vest which is something you put on what's the point of a weighted vest? Because, Frank, I'm training for a run, except I've forgotten to sort of train. I'm thinking, do you run over a lot of those things that Marilyn Monroe stood above in the seven-year itch

that blew her dress off? Yes, I've got to be careful with my flapping gear. No. So my thinking was, and you'll soon find out there's no logic in this, I thought, I haven't trained enough.

I'll buy something heavy to wear when I'm running so that when I take it off I'll feel like a bird. Yeah, boxers used to run in very heavy boots so that when they got

in the ring they felt, you know, mobile. Is that right? Yeah. That's my sort of thinking. How heavy is the one?

It's not that heavy. It's really not that heavy. You can get a really, I went for sort of lightweight. So I went for entry level weighted vest. It's three and a half kilos. But honestly, after four miles, you really feel it. So hang on. Hang on a minute. Where are the weights? They're in the sort of side panel bits. Oh, I was thinking in the hem, the lower hem. That's what I thought you were like. It was like sort of a gravity plush. Like a Victorian woman's skirt. You know what, I just thought, you know,

so it can't blow or pour anything. I thought you were... No, it's like... Hang on, so it looks a bit like a police vest. Yeah. Oh, I quite like it. Couldn't you have just safety pinned it to your piercings? Oh, God.

So you were saying... Yes. ...weighted vest. I bought a weighted vest. And then, so... What do you team it with, a B, so... What do you team it with? A Bermuda? What do I team it with?

Oh, I've actually just bought some really, I'm going to say awesome running shorts that are quite bold. I would have thought, all you need to do is just put another couple of pound weights and you don't need to wear anything underneath at all. No, you don't. Just let it all hang down.

Honestly, when I take this weighted vest off and start running, I'm going to be like a gazelle. Yeah. Why are the shorts so great? Because they're sort of like a grey camouflage. Grey? Yeah, grey camouflage.

Grey camouflage is where I hide nowadays. Yeah, yeah. You see, normally I don't want to draw attention to my running because I'm not what you would describe as a natural athlete. Right. I run sort of very much like a, I'm going to say, asthmatic pug. Okay. Yeah.

You can hear me for quite a way off. And flat foot, like a sort of, and sort of penguin sort of gait to it. It's really not attractive. If any older people near you need their snow clearing, you can just run up and down their path. Just run up and down the path. The grey shorts are unusual. A sort of statue sheet.

So what I've done, Emily, I used to hide away my running and now I'm sort of embracing it in my weighted vest and my grey coat. Good on you. I like it. Be loud and proud. Yeah, yeah. And bright orange sunglasses. I really look quite a spectacle.

And in Brighton, no one bats an eye. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. In fact, I'm not making that much of an effort in Brighton. No. So I had a word with myself for purchasing what I think we can describe a weighted vest as an unnecessary item. And I thought, I'm not going to do that again.'m going to be more careful and then this week i bought a kayak

okay yeah yeah wow spur of the minute yeah yeah actually not for wearing not for wearing no because you need to put two leg holes in the bottom or you need two of them where there was massive shoes which you know yeah i'm fond of quite Is that like, it's essentially a canoe. It's essentially a canoe. They frighten me. I am not a great swimmer, but you look like you're clasped. Yeah, well, what I've bought is actually a paddleboard with a seat that you can put on it.

I bought a paddleboard, right? Sort of like an armchair. Yeah, it's like an armchair. Yeah, it's like the sort of equivalent of a sofa on the porch. I bought a paddleboard because it's very in. Yes, very in. I love paddleboarding. I was in the lakes recently and there was a lot of paddleboard.

I haven't done it. I rode. I did paddleboarding in Florida and I think it might be the only sport I enjoy doing. It's quite relaxing. Oh, I loved it. The problem is I have no sense of balance whatsoever, so I'm not naturally drawn.

So I thought, well, I've bought the paddleboard, but I can't stand up on it. What am I going to do? So I bought a seat to put up with it. Well, Frank's got no sense of direction. You two should get together. Can I share this with you? Nigel Price, briefly,

with a nod to Zoe's comment regarding brandy. Yeah. St Bernard's were sent out looking for lost climbers with barrels of milk around their necks, not brandy. Okay? The tradition then is incorrect.

Can I just say that if I was trapped in an avalanche and I had been dug out by a St Bernard, and there was a barrel, and it turned out to be milk, I'd be bitterly disappointed. Well, you'd think it was 1977. Yeah, also, I mean, you know, I live in Hampstead. If any of the locals were trapped, they'd say,

well, do you have oat? I can't, I'm sorry, I'm lactic intolerant. Zoe, it's always such a joy to have you on the show. And indeed, just to see you. Thank you so much for doing this morning. Thank you all for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.