The Frank Skinner Show - Unaccompanied Conditioner

Episode Date: December 5, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has another shower-time conundrum and has been a question on Mastermind. The team also discuss Tyson Fury’s SPOTY request, dog years and chess.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Do you think regular readers of this show can recite that bit off by heart? Because I've tried occasionally not to do it with the bit of paper the producer hands me, and I can't do it.

After 11 years. I was going to say, if they can, they're a better man than you. After 11 years in the saddle, it has changed a bit. I don't think there was an Instagram when we started this show. I don't think so. Is there not? No, no no Insta. Can you imagine it? I'll say no Insta.

Yeah. A world without people promoting teeth whitening products. Oh, is that what they do? Well, that's what they all get when they leave the reality shows. The first thing they do is get a deal. You know, they now talk about it, don't they? They go, have you got a deal when you're coming out? Well, they have often got lovely teeth on the reality shows. the first thing they do is get a deal. You know, they now talk about it, don't they? They go, have you got a deal when you're coming out? Well, they have often got lovely teeth on the reality shows.

Oh, they really have. I mean, some people just got lucky with teeth, but if you've actually paid for it, I think you can take a bit of extra credit. Fair play. Yeah. I always thought that about Danny Minogue, to actually sit with a catalogue and make those choices yourself.

I think that makes you a better you know better person when most of us it's potluck yeah oh yes frank mark cotterall got in touch with me one of our readers him he said it was very sweet, this tweet. It was a mid-weeker, and it was the excitement of having seen a friend's house on the telly or something. Yeah. Frank's just been a question on Mastermind, he said. Oh, that's good. What was the specialist subject? Gits.

Gits. Gits through the ages. Who else was in there? Great, great, gits. I'm a hot type. Yeah yeah who else was in there great Gits of all time yeah who else was in there good question

correct which Gits was born yes who would it be Orson Welles who were the top who would be in the Gits

mastermind in the Gits parade Schopenhauer can we let that breathe please phenomenal work by the still in there that you know Can we let that breathe, please? Phenomenal work by the... Still in there, that, you know, ping. First link as well. First link, not even a warm-up.

And the fact that it was... The Git Parade was said by Britain's leading Git. I know. And the fact I've only got, like, under two months, which I can legitimately sing when I'm 64. And still there, still like a riser oh uh who else is going to be in the git parade awesome world have you ever heard um his advert for uh finders frozen food yeah awesome world and he said he does it and the bloke says i think I think if you could be a bit...

And he says, and what do you in the depths of your ignorance advise? Oh, wow. And I thought, yeah, we've all been there, Orson. I don't think people allow for the stress of working with idiots, though. Good point. And incompetence. It's, you know... Shall we go to a song?

We'll go to a song. Unbelievable, Al. Oh. Unreal. Well, I obviously went straight to iPlayer to have a look at this. Oh, OK. And I was so excited... Let me just set this up.

Yeah. iPlayer to have a look at this. Oh, okay. And I was so excited. Let me just set this up. And I watched the gentleman in question. And how can I put this? He looked intelligent. Oh, okay. One thing I noticed about the men on... He looked like he might watch Doctor Who. Yeah, there's a certain type of mastermind male

who look like they've got their shoes on prescription. You can see when they're in the big wide of a mall city. I always look out for those. Yeah. Anyway, carry on. He looked like he might have arrived with a plastic bag instead of a... Which I like, you're the kind of guy.

But was I in general knowledge or in expression? All right, calm down. Calm the ego down. Okay. You were in general knowledge. Okay, fair enough. You looked pleased by that. Is that better for you?

No, I wouldn't have minded being in Tibetan architecture. You would have been... It would have been a Doctor Who. Yeah, it would have felt like I'd been slightly wedged. It was a general knowledge. What was the question there? It was quite a weird question. It listed all your...

It said, which comedian... It was first. Yes. Okay. Thank God. Performer, TV... I can't remember what else it called you, but then it said was born,

and it had your birth name, Christopher Collins, blah, blah, blah. And I went, oh! And he passed. But listen, Frank, Frank, Frank, before you get upset, when they came to it, there was a lovely moment,

because he said, and that answer too. And John Humphrey said it as if to say, come on, you missed a biggie here. He said, and the answer, and he went, I know, I know. He said, it was, of course, Frank's, and he went, oh! And John Humphrey said said it as if to say, come on, you missed a biggie here. He said, and the answer? And he went, I know, I know. He said, it was, of course, Frank's. And he went, oh. And John Humphreys said, I know.

Did he go, oh, or did he go, who? He knew it. And John Humphreys looked at him as if to say, you should have got that. Did he win it? Did he win his thing? I believe he might have won. OK. I might keep an eye on him.

Can you bet? Do they have betting on him? They don't have betting on him. I've never heard of anyone betting on him. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What was we talking about? Oh, yeah. We were talking about the Git Parade.

Oh, yes. And Twemlow, who's one of our regulars, has said you were saying who are the other Gits? I think I asked that question, actually. Who else would feature in the Git Parade? Orson Welles, you suggested. Twemlow has said, I think you decided before, Isaac Newton, hashtag Git Parade.

Twemlow started a hashtag Git Parade on Twitter. William Hartnell, the first doctor, there's a famous interview with him putting on make-up in his dressing room mirror, one of those old theatrical. And the guy said, he's doing panto because his career after Doctor Who faltered somewhat. So he's in panto.

And the guy said, the interviewer says, is this the sort of work you're looking to do in the future? And he went, what, no. No, this is front of cloth. I'm a legit actor. And he's really horrible to him. He's not a celebrity as such, but I'd like to think my late father

could have joined you in the Gip parade, Frank. Well, he was a celebrity. Well, he was a first man on colour television. Wow. But when he said... In our house, it was Fred Flintstone. When he said, Frank, I'm going to nominate my father for the git parade,

for when he said to a bouncer at a BBC party he was invited to, who said, got an invite, and my father said, the word is invitation. Invite is an American corruption. I think that gets him on the parade. I think he's definitely in there. Can I ask you a

technical question? Sure. I was showering this week. Do you want to handle this one, Al? And I realised, I'd forgotten that the day before I had discarded the shampoo, I'd finished the shampoo. So I was in the shower and I realised I didn't have any shampoo in there.

There's nothing in there. So I used conditioner on its own. Yeah. Unaccompanied conditioner is what I used. And I've got to say after it felt okay.

It felt fine and I thought have I been wasting my time? Have I been wasting my time with using I mean I rarely condition. I mainly just shampoo. I would say, I have conditioner in the fridge. I would say I can. Sorry, in the shower.

I'm just kidding. I would say I condition six times a year. Right. So is this Amy Child from The Only Wise Essex? I rarely condition. But I tell you what, there's one thing I struggle with. First of all is the marinade length. I always worry that I'm going to put it, I put it on early, the conditioner.

This is when I use it with shampoo. And then I always like to think a minute on the head. Because I always think if you forget it and let it run to the end of the show and you haven't rinsed it off, you'll be too luxurious. You'll be over-conditioned. Yeah, you'll be ridiculously...

Suddenly silky. Yeah, you know these bodybuilders who've taken it too far. That's what your hair will be like. And then I had another thought about conditioner i'm really i'd love some um anyhow readers know more about this i remember when i was at school don't ask me the people used to use it yeah but i think you're probably at the sophisticated end whereas where are, the business end? Well, people used to use conditioner as a styling product. So people would wash their

hair, dry it, and then put conditioner on instead of like brill cream or something. And Alan, you see, it was interesting that the 80s was the take two bottles into the shower. Oh, yes.

Wash and go. The trend was all about just the wash and go, the shampoo and conditioner in one. We were sold a lie, friends. Do you think? Yes. There's no such thing that working on different areas, entirely different areas of specialising in. Oh, there is now. Yes.

That was Thatcherism, though, wasn't it? It was about individualism, not having time to do two things and they've got to get... Time is money. It was all about that, surely. Anyway, I have another question about this, which is another rave from the grave, as they used to call them. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Here's the thing, though. You had a grooming question. Yes. When I was at school, people who either didn't have shampoo or didn't have time to shampoo, I just want to know if this was a commonplace. They used to put, and I've done it myself,

they'd put talcum powder in their hair. Oh, yes. And then shove it around a bit, you know, and then shake it out, and it would clean your hair. It was like a sort of dry shampoo. Yeah, I don't associate this with school children. I associate this with busy women. That's, like, previous female friends of mine have told me

that's what they do if they're in a rush. Can we now cut? I would like to cross over to Joe in the Forest of Dean. Okay. Appropriately. Hi, Frank. You've inadvertently discovered the curly girl method. Now, I know about the curly girl method.

The producer's nodding. My goddaughter, Honey, has told me about it. I don't like the combination of producer is nodding vigorously, too, Scott. I'm worried about the juxtaposition of the curly girl method and the Forest of Dean. All right. We've all had a drink, mate. Many women around the world

use just conditioner to keep their curly hair for his free. Ah. Also, using a T-shirt to dry it instead of a towel. No. There you go why why does that make a difference because it's less less um friction uh friction based surface i don't know i don't use the curly girl so the hair wouldn't be roughed up as much as it is with a coarse towel when i did the charles atlas course which is something i've spoken about many times on this show,

one of the things we used to have is an air bath. Oh, yeah. This was a bodybuilding course I did when I was 14, as you can anyone's ever seen me. It breaks my heart this story. No, I find it very moving. One of the things we had to have was the

air bath, and you had to lie naked somewhere for like 20 minutes and then rob yourself all over with a coarse towel as if you'd just come out the bath that was one of the things and it does um it gets the blood to the surface i'll tell you that i have to say i love a scratchy towel and i told my wife and children this the other day and they all just looked and went of course you do this is the most obvious thing in the world well you follow the Spartan lifestyle don't you

can I also I mean a very bad thing is when you get those towels that are like non-absorbent gloss gloss finished towels oh yeah anyway we've got some more people for the git parade oh yeah Absorbent. Gloss. Gloss finish towels. Oh! Anyway.

We've got some more people for the Git Parade. Oh, yeah. This is from 660. Lord Sir Alan the Apprentice Sugar would be in my Git Parade and now he employs the Special Git to run his football team. That's from... Special. That's from Nasher. The special git.

Oh, I see. Yes. Yeah. The special one. I've got a soft spot for Joe, say. I must say. Well, I think Nasher does as well. But he's just...

That's from Nasher, by the way. I mean, your mate Paxman's got to be... He's got to be one of the people's favourites, hasn't he? I think if you ask the same question 13 times, then you've got the git-ish strain. Yeah, I think he's right. He's absolutely on the git list.

Okay. He looks like he might use the curly girl method. Do you want me to ask him? Do you dare me to text Paxman now and say, hey, do you use the... I know what he would say. What on earth are you talking about? And he'd say it in that tone, even though it was on a text.

That's what's brilliant. You know my view that text should have stage directions. You say, what on earth are you talking about? He said haughtily would be in brackets at the end Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and now

time for another in our series it seemed so important at the time this week the London Olympics logo

oh yeah anyway I was here's a question I've got a quiz question yeah for you an Olympics logo. Oh, yeah. Anyway, I was, here's a question, I've got a quiz question for you. What are dog years?

Dog years? Over to you, Al, first, because you were the first dog owner on this show. Well, I think they're

different because dogs have faster heartbeats. that the general idea I think it's based on lifespan so in one one human year a dog will have seven times the heart that's what I've always been brought up to believe that seven dog years to one human year me. But if you do the math on that, I don't think that's quite right because an average dog lives how long? Fifteen? Thanks guys.

Depends on the breed. Some are very unhealthy aren't they Emily? Some are. Some are healthy. We had a Staffordshire Bull Terrier live to be 18. That's a lovely age. I can't, I don't know what 718s actually is.

And it seems a bit tragic because of texting. But it's a higher number than anyone lives to. Yes. So anyway, I looked up, I got a chart

of animal years. He's picking up his massive phone. Yeah, He's picking up his massive phone. Yeah, I'm picking up my massive phone. So, dog, 3.64 is what it actually says. Right. 3.64 years. Why do we get this seven from them? Well, it's just been bandied around like so many things.

Unquestioned. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, you know around like so many things, unquestioned. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, you know, U2. Ah. You see, I was going to congratulate Michael. You know, U2, one of the greatest bands. No one's actually stopped and said, hold on.

Are they any good? Is that your point? Well, I don't want to dwell on it. Where real music matters. Yeah, that's fair enough. There's a phrase to unpack, isn't there? Where real music matters. I mean, what is real music matters. Yeah, it's fair enough. There's a phrase to unpack, isn't there? Where real music matters. I mean, what is real music?

Good point. Your real music, Al, would not be the same as my real music. Well, we can't discuss my music. Oh, why? There isn't any. Oh, okay. So, hold on. What about this?

Go on. This will shock you. isn't any oh okay um so what about this um this or this or shot your rat 26.67 no that's a short lifespan isn't it do you want to guess one bear bear oh bear they're old gits aren't they they i think bear is probably uh i'm gonna go nine for bear wow it's two two yeah it's hardly worth the bother not great news for the the bears or is that good news that's good news it's lower it's like pointless i think if you want to live longer what about a balloon animal what would you give that about five minutes yeah they don't they don't last i always like that thing when you get to a kid's party they have untouched balloons on the door oh yeah so you get a sense of the um the sort of embryonic form of the balloon animals they're going to get later on so you get to see them in their raw state. Lovely, that is the little pre-empting what's coming.

A tip for those parents or children's entertainers. I've seen a few children's entertainers now and my heart bleeds. Actually bleeds. I've watched them when I've wanted to step up and just put a coat round them and say, come on, I'm taking you out. No human being should have to put up with this.

Confused if Wakefield has been in touch, saying, misheard and thought Frank was talking about dog ears as in with pages of a book. Oh, dog ears. Yeah, but you were actually talking about dog ears, weren't you? Well, I would never do that to a book. Wouldn't you? No, no.

What, you don't fold the top? Never. Really? It's a bookmark. You always use a bookmark. Always. Oh, actually, we did talk about how sometimes you use a book as another bookmark.

Well, also, what I try to do you use a book as another bookmark. Well, also, what I try to do is use an app as a bookmark. Oh, right. So if I'm reading a detective thing... Lovely. And I've got an old parking ticket receipt, I'll put that in there to represent the law and order. Yeah. Law and order. When I'm reading a detective thing, I use a magnifying glass.

Oh, very good. I use a letter opener in a knife shape. Nice. OK. Have you got a letter opener? Very good. Do you know, I have, but only as an inherited one. And I couldn't bring myself to throw it away

because it's so fabulously old school. It was my parents had a letter opener. It was a knife with a gold blade and a brown leather handle. That sounds great. And I still have it. And it is very Dickensian. I had one which was, I think it was a plastic handle. It might have been something more upsetting.

Because the blade, I mean, the handball was the foot of some beast, some sort of small deer or something. Yeah. They've gone out of favour, the old letter openers now. You think they'd be ideal for the pandemic? If you're opening your mail, you wouldn't have to touch it as much with that. You've employed a letter opener. How's he getting

on? That's a she. I am... Yeah, it's dying out of me. I've got grape scissors as well. You haven't? Yeah. Which is, you know, for cutting grapes off the bunch. Really? Yeah, rather than wrenching them. I don't know if this is

a made-up product. I've never heard of these things in my life. Not only is it called grape scissors, but it has ornamental grapes on the handles and down just the top bit of the blade. Is this a thing? Yeah. Wow. I own them.

Send me a pic. Oh, well, I'll send you a pic of my grape scissors. Pics or it didn't happen. That's my policy on grape scissors. Oh, fair enough. Mine is pips or it didn't happen. I'll send you a pic of my grape scissors. That's my policy on grape scissors. Mine is pips or it didn't happen. So, what else?

Ultra Magnus has got in touch. Ultra Modness. Ultra Magnus. He's one of our regulars. Okay. He suggested for the Git Parade, boys, Marlon Brando. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but... Go on.

He's in so many other seats, like best-looking bloke and... Yes, but Magnus has pointed out a man who, during filming, removed his trousers and pants so that the director wouldn't film him below the waist. Yeah. I mean, come on. You've got to love that. Different times. You know the soap opera

actors, if they don't think a scene has gone well in their acting in it, but they know that if they just do it, then the director might use it or the producer. So sometimes they'll just swear on purpose to ruin it

so that take can't get used. Yeah, I've seen that doing on panel shows. I have. Yeah. I've been... I'll tell you after this. We have a sort of TV club.

I don't know if it's ever on air or whether it's always off air. We normally do it off air don't we when we come in the first thing we do is discuss what have you been watching this week and then we swap and then we go away and watch each of those recommendations it's very modern

it's really very modern it includes like the Netflix I don't know if we've ever have we ever gone the Amazon prime I'm not sure we have oh we've gone down the Amazon oh have we well I haven't know if we've ever... Have we ever gone the Amazon Prime? I'm not sure we have. Oh, we've gone down the Amazon. Oh, have we? Well, I haven't been...

I haven't even looked at... I forgot Amazon Prime existed until I just mentioned it. Oh, shut up. You haven't. I think it's when I read that it recently commissioned something like 22 comedy specials and I'm still sitting by my telephone. Oh!

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Read it out loud at its very best

here on Absolute Radio. Okay. Now I was talking don't forget by the way Oliver Hardy. And I learned about women from you.

So that was Oliver talking about Genie weenie broke his heart so you left us on something of a Cliff Richard hangout I did yes oh and don't forget by the way this morning's texting what's the most interesting thing you've got on your wall

what we do is we sit around in here we um we have a dos as we used to call it when i was a kid we have a dos and we talk about what we'll be watching on telly and you know i'll recommend i'll recommend emily recommend and we Emily will recommend. And we swapped. Yeah, it's lovely. And recently, Emily recommended Queen's Gambit. Oh, yes. To me. I think that was on air, in fact. Yes. And so I've checked it out.

And I've watched the whole series. They're absolutely fantastic. It's on the Netflix. It really is. And has it got you into chess, Frank? No. That's kind of the point I want to make, because I was talking to Al about it,

and Al said, well, I like chess. He's got that combo of martial arts and chess, a bit like Lennox Lewis used to box and play chess. And there is a thing, chess boxing, have you ever seen that? No. Yeah, and they actually fight, and then they go to a chessboard in between rounds or whatever. What do they do with those gloves then, with the pawns?

That sounds difficult. Absolute nightmare. No, they go for the elasticated and they just slip them on. Oh, they slip them on. So, I watched it and it is I won't, well I'll say it's about a woman who becomes obsessed with chess. Right. And I read about it last night, frightened to read about it,

obviously, until I'd watched the whole series. But one of the things, I can tell you safely, is that sales of chess sets in America went up 1,000%. What? About three weeks into this series, or whenever it first appeared. And also the chess, whatever they're called, the chess society. It'll be a federation, surely. Yeah, in America, where I've had millions, not millions.

Inundated. Inundated, particularly with women, finding out about where they can play and where they can learn. So I watched the whole series, absolutely loved it. I would say at the end of it, I am even less inclined to play chess than I was before, which was very, very less. I haven't seen that show,

but apparently people either love it or hate it. There's no grey area. No, no, that's... It's very black and white. That's mum. Oh, sorry, Al. Sorry, Al. I'm so sorry.

Do you want to do that again with your fixing in the attic? Life? Oh, my God. What about the shampoo and conditioner stuff? That's in. That's just in, is it? Oh, dear.

My career. My poor career. What's your favourite chess piece? He'll like the bishop, Al. He'll be all over that. I do love the way the bishop moves. Can I just say this? I love, love, love that series. I'd recommend it to anyone who doesn't mind

bad language. Fabulous. I love this. There's bad language and chess. I am sewing on this. I loved, I was fine with bad language. And, can I just say, I can say this, very, very pretty ladies. Yeah. Lovely clothes. Triple threat for me.

I loved, I loved, And men. Obviously I loved the Lewis Chessman. Oh yeah? And I love it when I was once in, I saw a man in Toronto who just put this very rubbishy handmade chess board that had sellotape all over it instead of...

Instead of... What do they call it? Laminate. Laminate, thank you. God bless you. I'm an old man, Commander. And he just laid down in the street and he played people for $2.

They paid him $2 to play, and if they won. And he's beaten one after the next. All that, I love it, but I've tried playing. It's the most tedious game. Come on, Frank. I absolutely hate it. Give me this. Give me this.

What is your favourite move in chess? Because I've already put myself out there. No, I don't. My favourite move in chess is someone saying, I'll tell you what, shall we move in chess? Because I've already put myself out there. Oh, I don't. My favourite move in chess is someone saying, I'll tell you what, shall we not play chess? But I love the look of it. I saw some old men playing in Central Park on specially made stone tables once.

It was lovely. Look at those guys playing chess. But, oh, my God. I mean, we're all different. But I hate it. Anyway, like I say, Queen's Gambit, watch it. It's a brilliant programme. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Al and I just spent that song interlude talking about chess, didn't we, Frank? Yeah, and again, I'm fine with that. Okay. I'm absolutely fine with it We mention it in passing en passant I mean that's his second chest, I sparked the first one

that one I felt it, I could feel it, I sat back I like to think I know when a joke's coming from someone and I can leave them, you know what I mean It's not Mock the Week I encourage I encourage... You're right. I encourage the comedy of others.

You demand it. Anyway, I got a letter from John Walsh, who's a guy I've met at several Doctor Who events. And I think of John Walsh very much as a Ray Harryhausen fan. You know Ray Harryhausen? He made films like Sinbad. Oh, yes. And he does those fabulous animated creatures.

Oh, right. Yeah, brilliant. But he sent me a book today. It's a really big, you'd call it a coffee table. It's as big as a coffee table. Oh, yeah. Massive book book it's bigger than my phone that's big yeah no it's a massive book and let me can you guess what it's about a

film uh which is about to celebrate its 40th anniversary on the 11th of December. A whole massive collar deluxe book about the film... I'm going to tell you. Go on. Flash Gordon. Oh. Flash! Woo!

And... Gordon's alive. I just love that that book exists. I do. And... Is this the same one? This is the Brian Blessed one? Yes.

He mentions that he said you'll like it because there's some Doctor Who actors synergy with Brian Blessed who appeared in

the Colin Baker adventure Mind Warp I like that that's all his name is called Peter Wingard who you might think oh man

Jason King but who he points out was in Peter Davison's Planet of Fire yes but anyway lots of interesting stuff and he said lastly I hope oh man, Jason King, but who he points out was in Peter Davison's Planet of Fire. Yes. But anyway, lots of interesting stuff. And he said, lastly, I hope Buzz will appreciate the never before published shot of Queen on page 168.

Oh, I'm sorry. So thank you so much for that, John. And I'm going to, I shall be wallowing in Flash Gordon. I had a tremendous celebrity crush on a woman called Suzanne Danielle. Yeah. Who was in that as a minor part, sort of slave girl. She went on to marry a golfer man.

Yeah. A golfer man. She had a couple of husbands. Yeah, moustache golfer man. What was that? Oh, did she? Not simultaneously. Sam Torrance. Oh, did she? Not simultaneously. Sam Torrance.

Oh, did she? Sam Torrance, yeah. Who always get mixed up with Nigel Mansell, the big sporting moustache. And looks sort of similar, I suppose. Yes. It's very good moustache in The Queen's Gambit, by the way. Wonderful moustache.

On a guy from Nanny McPhee, who I think of as a child actor. Suddenly he's managed to sprout one of those babies. Yeah, that's how they grow, how quickly they grow. And a child actor still working. Yeah, that's good. No visible signs of drug addiction or life tragedy. What are you trying to suggest? How dare you?

Oh, sorry, I forgot you were the child. Absolutely, yeah, sure you did. That is my second... I forgot. I also just remembered before that that you actually bought me a chess set a couple of birthdays ago. Oh, it's not going as well as one might hope. The group did. Oh, we's not going as well as one might hope. The group did.

Oh, we bought you the Lewis chest there. That was for your son. He's the intellectual of the family. Well, it's maths. It's mainly maths. It's like Sudoku.

3D Sudoku. You know you're on the radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hi, Frank Allen in the DME. Re-Chess, not sure if you're still accepting entries for the obscure claims to fame discussion. Oh, yeah, always. But if you are, I beat my dad at chess, that is all. Actually, no, it's not. I beat my dad, but he beat a man who beat a man who beat Bobby Fischer in 1979. Does this mean I would probably have beaten Bobby Fischer?

Obscure enough, that is all praise withheld that's Nugget wow so how many removed Nugget are you you're you beat your dad who beat a man who beat Bobby Fisher it's not it's good I um I think that that is probably means that Nugget's a very good chess player doesn't he? Yeah, I do. Because I don't think there was a period you could have played Bobby Fischer when he wasn't any good. Bobby Fischer, for any younger readers, I think there's about three of you, he's not the one from Beatrix Potter.

He was an American chess player. I read a book about him. He was brilliantly mental. A woman went out for dinner with him and realised that for the whole dinner he'd been playing chess under the table on a small chess set. I absolutely love that. I mean, that is amazing. Can we put him in the git parade?

Oh, I think he was in the git parade, yeah. Oh, who's our tennis player git parade? Because I feel John McEnroe's almost too out there. I want someone a bit more... Right, it's a bit ofs. It's more a sort of surliness, isn't it? Maybe Andy Murray might be a bit gittish. Murray, who I...

In a fabulous way. Who I like. I adore. He got put in the git chair, didn't it? Maybe Andy Murray might be a bit Gittish. Murray, who I... In a fabulous way. Who I like. Adore. He got put in the Gitt chair, didn't he, by the media because he did that jerk about anyone but England in the forthcoming tournament. But that's not Gittish, is it, really? Well, they said it was.

It's just Scottish. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I don't mind. I sort of embrace the anti-Englishness of the Scots. Well, I said all through Murray's... I take it as a tremendous compliment. I said all through Murray's career. It wasn't that he was in a bad mood.

People said that he was sour and bad-tempered and all that stuff. And I said, he's Scottish and he's playing a summer sport. Oh, yes. He's so far out of his comfort zone, it's not really fair. Of course, he was one of the ones who kicked up that enormous cliche when people used to say, back in 67 when Celtic won the European Cup, oh, well, because they're Scottish when they're losing, but when they're winning, they're British.

Yes, yes, I get that point, but I got it in 1967 as well. It's all right, but shut up about it. No, it's perfectly valid. But so was the invention of the wheel. We don't keep on about it. Has anyone ever get up in the morning and think, God, the wheel, that's a thing, isn't it? Oh.

Eh? That's an invention. Wish we'd come up with that earlier. I still watch live television, like from cricket from South Africa, and think, I can't believe I'm watching this. Yeah. And it's in Colour and brilliant. Never lose the child in yourself.

Those of you listening goodness me is there anyone still out there Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio what's that

rustling sounds like you've got a dog poo bag I was just cleaning my hands because we're supposed to not

get our terrible spores on the buttons and then kill all the DJs. Yeah, exactly. Have a second respect. 646 has texted, Frank Skinner, on my wall, you made a joke that we were discussing what was the most interesting thing on my wall.

I would like to know what's the most interesting thing on your wall, Al. You don't have to answer now. I don't give you a hospital pass, but I'd like to know. There's probably some art, you know. What is it? Oh, you've got a lot of art on the wall. We've got some art, yeah. We've got a lot of art in...

In which room? In cupboards. I'm not thinking any of it's actually made the wall. Oh, OK. Oh, you've got to get... Give it time. Can I tell you my two most interesting things? Thank you, I'm going to anyway.

Number one, I do mention this a lot on the show, but it's the truth. So is my letter from Arthur Miller, which I have framed. Oh, that's on the wall. Be careful you don't get bright sunlight on that. Good point. I'm like my face these days.

And then number two is an embroidered, it was based on a photograph, an embroidered piece of art of myself and Raymond. Well, that's nice. Which the Rosses, my best friend Jane and her husband Jonathan had made for me. That's nice. For a birthday.

It is absolutely stunning. Even my postman commented on it. Thank you. What was he doing in the house? He loiters. Ask no questions. He sticks his head round the corner and says, oh, that's nice, isn't it? Does he? Okay.

Anyway, 646 has texted Frank Skinner Show, on my wall, 144 tractors. 144 tractors. Christopher Dean Turvey Abergavenny. A gross of tractors. A lot of tractors. No, it's a gross, isn't it? A gross. 144, as I recall.

Is it really? Yeah. I wonder why he's got that, like a wall chart, I'm imagining. Yeah, maybe. Do you remember those in the wildlife of Great Britain? We'd have a field that had got like a badger, a fox and an owl and all that all gathered as if it was some sort of convention they were attending. I've got the history of the British graphic novel wall chart,

which is very stylish. That sounds good. Yeah, it's lovely. I recommend another thing I find it inspiring above a desk is the Samuel Beckett No Matter Fail Again, Fail Better. Oh, that sounds good. I have that too. Joan Bakewell has got in touch.

Has she? No. Friend of both yours and mine. How lovely. She's got a photo of the young Hedy Lamarr. Wow. I mean, this is why we love Dame Joan. Who she probably interviewed, I would not be surprised.

No doubt, no doubt. Oh, brilliant. I bet that's her only Hedy Lamarr reply of the morning. I think that might be Hedy's first reference on the show. It's taken 11 years but she's made it. Fabulous work, Joan.

Well, Joan, brilliant stuff. My brother, Keith, our Keith, I remember he put a wallpaper on the wall but like the other way around so it was white

and he painted he painted with like a proper big paintbrush a mushroom cloud. Oh. And a rope behind the bomb underneath it. Did he? Yeah, this was when he was,

we were still living at home. When he was an anti-nuclear activist. Yeah, he was a member of the CND. I mean, he was on his bedroom wall. He did have that many visitors to his bedroom. I'll be straight with you. But yeah, he painted it himself. Lovely, lovely thing.

It had not much impact on the nuclear disarmament story, I don't think, but... No. We had... We've got our family represented in peat on our wall. Which is like cut-out peat figures. Oh, yeah. Yeah. representing Pete on our wall, which is like cut-out Pete figures. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I'm not making that up. You're looking at me like I'm making it up. It's Pete. Yeah, it's a real thing somebody bought us. That's like, who bought you that? That's a nice friend. Pete.

A guy I used to work with with a TV producer. That's a lovely gift. He went on to do, I think, a three-part documentary about Gay Byrne. It was a person. Yeah. Yeah. So he did all right, yeah. The Pete family there.

Anecdote. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Family there. Anecdote. Mash in Valencia. A lot to unpack there. Yeah. Says the Pete family link. I'm sorry to say this, Frank. Oh, no. Is the new ballet link.

What? Was that a bad link? No, I thought it was good. Oh, I can't believe that's been said. The ballet link, by the way, was a link that we did once talking about ballet, which I think is the worst link we ever did. I take full responsibility for it because I asked you, have you been to ballet? Have you been to a ballet?

And you really nobly and valiantly tried to make something of it. What I thought is I'll answer the question and we can put the jokes in in the edit. And I forgot it was live. So I just basically I answered the question. I forgot

I was on the radio. But you did tease the ballet link for a good while after that. Well, as I say, it was a lousy... Can you tease retrospectively? It was a lousy old 70s England pass from me, a sloppy pass, and I'd like to apologise. Oh, come on.

Someone told me that they re-listened to the ballet link. It wasn't anywhere near as bad as they remembered it. Yeah, I don't remember it being that bad. Well, that's what they're saying. Now they've heard the Pete family link. Soon we'll discover I stormed it when I hosted the Brits. Things change retrospectively. 660 says we've got some very interesting damp on our walls.

That can be quite watchable, I guess. Can I say that if it's actually grow, if you can see it grow, and you've got to be careful about inhaling that stuff, it's not good for you. So get that sorted if you can. Why were you in a knee, did you? Good advice from Frank Skinner. Part entertaining, part civic duty this year.

We've got a bit, and Kath went on Google about the possible dangers, especially if you've got a small child with little lungs. So you've got to sort it out. Simple as that. I lived in a bed for years that was dripping with it. Did you have any harm?

Never did me any harm! You know what they're like now? They're all allergic to summits, aren't they? Sorry. As you know, I have an alter ego called Frank Smethwick who occasionally comes to the surface. He's a sort of multi-person, well, just a dual personality. And I find him sceptical.

I love him. It's his tone. 462, hi, Frank and the team. The most interesting thing on my wall, with a question mark, Hi Frank and the team the most interesting thing on my wall with a question mark my original Live Aid promotional poster and Wembley entrance ticket

signed by some of the artists of the day including Absolute's old DJ Tony Hadley amongst others that's from Darren Must have done well to get backstage at Live Aid I thought that was that that's a golden ticket That was a hot ticket

that really was Can I tell you who else has been in touch backstage at Live Aid. I always thought that was that. That's a golden ticket. That was a hot ticket. Yeah. That really was. Can I tell you who else has been in touch with a missive? Well, it's with a photograph, actually, of what's on their wall. Your friend and mine, David Baddiel.

Ah. I thought you was going to say it's that bloke from Shawshank Redemption. It's a picture. It's a photograph of you and David. Oh, what? He's put that on his wall? Yeah. With the Queen. Oh, that picture.

Now, there's two unidentifiable characters in this. You're backstage at some event or other. Perhaps David can help. It's the 50th anniversary of ITV. This was the event, I remember. Okay, lovely. And I think you'll find that one of the people in the background

is Johnny Briggs. Are you sure? I can't see. Mike Baldwin. Mike Baldwin. Yes. Who ran an underwear factory in the street. In the north of England for some time. In the north of England.

I think it was covered in that documentary, Coronation Street. And he was once hit by Ken Barlow with the worst punch I've ever seen on television. He looked like somebody pressing a doorbell. At which Ken Barlow said to him, I've had enough of your poisoning, half-almur. Because he'd had a relationship with Ken's wife

and was now interested in his older daughter. Oh, he's sickening. Yeah, come on, Mike. Well, I told you my favourite Johnny Briggs story, which was my mother told me, sorry, I'm mentioning my parents every few minutes on the show today, but my mother told me that... It's Christmas.

You're all quiet. Johnny Briggs gave her advice on acting, which was you say your lines, you get paid, you go home. Brilliant. Well, it worked. Served him well over the years. But yeah, me and David Baddiel meeting the... Of course, I've met her since then, but that was the first.

And whatever you feel about, you know, politics or whatever, it's exciting meeting the Queen Clive Silas or David Baddiel This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean, Alan Cochran's here. You can

text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've had some real good contact from our readers today. Well played. Good work. Yeah. Love these people.

I like the way you announced our names. It was like you were in some sort of casual bachelor pad. The guys have all dropped round. Alan Cochran's here. I tried to make it a bit method. I love to hear you. And a bit less presentory. You know, the idea that you just, oh, you know, I'm not, I tried to make it a bit method. I love to hear you. And a bit less presentory, you know?

The idea that you just, oh, you know, I'm not, don't you think I'm reading this? I'm just, you know. Yeah. We're chewing the fat. Yeah. It worked for me. Can I talk to you boys about something? You can talk to us about anything. What's the problem? Keep it broadcastable. Do you know, that's very true, actually, but again,

yeah, I'll save some of that for off-air. But we do need to talk about sports personality of the year. Because Tyson Fury, who is... He's one of your fastest lightning pals, Al. He's a... A little bit frightening. He's a pugilist. He's a pugilist.

It's all in the same arena. I believe he's interested in getting involved in the MMA. Is he? Yes. That would be interesting. Conor McGregor was going to teach him. I bet he'd be a strict teacher, wouldn't he? Conor McGregor?

Yeah. Imagine the coats with those two. They love a coat. They love a big coat. Big furry coat. Like a coat off. Oh, it'd be like Patrick Troughton against the Yeti. Absolute coat off.

Yeah. Fly on the wall, though, in that. You know when they have those little VTs in Strictly of the rehearsal room that week? Imagine if it was. Imagine putting that in the middle of Strictly, that conversation. Woo.

Anyway. Anyway, Tyson Fury, he made the shortlist. One would think fabulous news. For Sports Personality of the Year. Correct. Fabulous news. Au contraire. Tyson was not happy.

So much so that he went on the socials. He released a video, an official video. I don't know if you boys have seen it. It's very much in the style of Ringo Starr saying no more autographs after the 25th of October. I'm warning you with peace and love. Yes, very much in the peace and love style. Yeah. He says, you know, I'm instructing the public.

I do not want you to vote for me. This is a message from me, Tyson Fury, with love and respect to you all. Please do not vote for me in the BBC Sports. It's very much a modern Groucho Marx joke, isn't it? I refuse to belong to any club that looks at me as a member. No, I mean, I think there's something really marvellous about it. Can he go in

his hashtag git parade, Frank? No, I think someone has finally said, which we've all thought since about 1961, that is there a TV award show that

people care less about than BBC Sports Personality? Have you ever heard anyone introduced, for example, as former BBC Sports Personality? No. It is really the sell-by of the celebration of that. I think by the time the credits start rolling, I already forgot who's won.

I think it has less impact on their career than Rear of the Year did on yours. I do. I honestly think Rear of the Year is a bigger thing to win. I honestly think that. Who, you know, Sports Personality of the year.

Harmless, the Guardian. It is, and I'll tell you something, I've been to a couple. Oh, have you, Frank? It is television's longest night. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. You've done panel games. Oh, I've, yeah.

But, oh, man. I've done that quiz of the year. What's it called? Big Fat Quiz of the Year. Yeah, that's like a four and a half hour record. It really is. But it's a war, and the smell of embrication in that room. But it's such a, who cares?

I think it's great. He's just saying I can't be bothered to turn up or take part in it in any way. But of course now he's created a scenario where I imagine everyone, I'm certainly going to vote for him. I wasn't going to bother. And I am now because I want the awkwardness of him winning. And he might send a strange character up there or do something strange. Just before we go, who is the current holder of the title?

I believe... Oh, that's a good question. I thought Andy Murray was the last one I knew. That was six years ago. Anyway, your witness. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Apparently the Sports Personality of the Year panel have rejected the idea of Tyson Fury taking himself off the list.

And I think the important word in that is panel. I think if it was an individual that had to say, no, we're keeping you on the list, they might have been a bit less likely to. Yeah. The Dyson Fury. I don't know. I bet he could take the whole panel.

I think what we're seeing here is safety in numbers principle at work. Him and Conor McGregor in the coats taking on the panel. Yeah. Who, if I asked you for a pen picture, as they used to say in football programmes, a quick, potted description of your average voter in BBC Sports Personality of the Year. I'm spotty.

What would you say? As they call it. Over 70? Oh, what, the average voter? Because it's the public that vote, isn't it? Middle class, over 70. Yeah. Picture of the Royal Family on the wall.

People that basically... Where do they live? Coffee table, book of Princess Diana in photos. And the world of cars. I think they're scattered. Yeah, no, not the world of cars. It'd be too aggressive, I think. No, vintage cars.

Oh, maybe vintage cars. These are people that think that they're too good to put on, like Britain's Got Talent or Big Brother, but they go Sports Personality of the Year. That's fair enough. Yeah, I think so. What newspaper did they read? Express, thank you.

We are Dan Express, only ever seen on the seats of aeroplanes when you're walking off. But if there's anyone listening to this show who votes in Sports Personality of the Year, there won't be. But if there is, we'd love to hear about your motivations. The thing is...

No, honestly, I've got no... I have no problem with it. It's one of the... No, there are certain shows on the BBC that feel... Also, it's lovely Gary. Does he still work on it? Or is it Claire Baldy? I know, but, you know, I'm sure if we was to get Gary on his own

and ask him about it, he'd be even more disparaging than I am. I wouldn't possibly comment. I doubt that. He's smart enough to not bite the hand that feeds, isn't he? But, I mean, if we got a couple of drinks down, we would sit on our own. If we'd swept the room for bugs. He can't enjoy

it can be arranged he can't enjoy those like seven minute VT inserts about you know squash I can't believe it's really Frank what I'm hoping for though is Tyson Fury

we've discussed the coats he also he's got some previous on the costume front, do you remember when he turned up wearing, it was for one of those fight press conferences, you know those very staged ones where they pretend to be angry with each other and it wasn't Klitschko but it was

one of the, and he turned up in Lamborghini wearing a Batman costume Oh yes he did Oh that, come on I mean, he has got a lot of personality. This is it. I mean, even asking not to be on the list has displayed more personality than the people on the list.

Why is it called personality? Why has it got personality in the title? Why isn't it just Sportsperson of the Year? Good question. 8, 12, 15. Because I don't think their personalities are taken into account, are they? No. No.

Have we worked out who's won it? Is it Corinne Holder? No, well, I said, when you said who won it, and I said, yes, it was, and then it turned out I didn't know, and the last time I knew the winner was 2015, Andy Murray. Well, the last time, I think I remember Henry Cooper winning it when I was a kid. Yeah, Emlyn Hughes. But that might have been... But it's 33 on the 20th. Yeah, I think I remember Henry Cooper winning it when I was a kid. Yeah, Emlyn Hughes. But it's 33 on the 20 for him.

Yeah, I think it was. That's an hint of personality, the Brute 33 adverts. It's, I don't mind it existing. I was going to win this year, Frank. They reckon it's Lewis Hamilton, isn't it? Or has he already won? Lovely. And do you think he'll think, well, you know,

it's great being world champion for seven times, but for me, the highlight of the year. Ronnie O'Sullivan is on the list and I've got a bit of a late review because, I mean, I would give the award to Ronnie O'Sullivan, who I've always, and I've got a bit of a late review. Go on. I mean, I would give the award to Ronnie O'Sullivan,

who I've always liked. He's got a bit of a hint to land his interest. Oh, I like Ronnie O'Sullivan. Has he had a comeback then, hasn't he? He must have. He's on the Sports Personality of the Year award list. Exactly. So if he's never gone away, then it's a little bit 90s, isn't it?

But can I say... Give it to the ROS. I have just seen, I believe this is an old clip but there's a very enjoyable clip of uh ronnie o'sullivan wearing a vr headset you know the virtual reality thing um and thinking that he's playing snooker or pool and he goes to lean on the table and face plants because it isn't there. Oh man, it's very funny, but an insurance nightmare for that. Luckily, nothing was injured, but you'd

think his hands would be quite highly insured. No, I'd be happy for him to win it. It'd be nice for him for about 12 minutes before he forgot about it. Another one on the list, Stuart Broad.

I'd like him to win because of that signed bat he once gave me. Oh, that's nice. It's going to go right up in my head. I'd like him to win because he was dropped this year by the England team. Wow, why has he been nominated then? Because they then... Because of his personality. Because they realised very quickly that they were much less of a team without him,

so they got him back, and I like that. He must have enjoyed that a lot. It's all come back of the year then, isn't it? Imagine him. Do you think he went back into the cricket changing rooms in one of those coats from Tyson Fury or Conor McGregor? Guess who's back? Yeah, I'm hoping he went in and thought,

wouldn't it be great to rub their noses in it by winning BBC Sports Personality of the Year. Now listen, if that was, if the winner got a massive bear coat, fake fur, faux fur... Well, it'd have to be for Lewis Hamilton, he's a vegan. With Sports Personality of the Year, printed on the back...

Which you had to wear for a year in order to qualify for it. Even on the hottest day of the year. Like when I won that light brown, dark brown leather varsity jacket with Planet Hollywood London on the back for being, was it lad of the, bloke of the year in the Summer Awards. I mean, who'd have thought from that to poetry podcast, it's the complexity of the man.

It's a funny old word, saint. Yes. Thank. Can I say, my son, by the way, when I took to the Sports Personality of the Year ceremony. Oh, did you? Yeah, well, you're not allowed to smack them anymore. Was that when he met Harry Kane?

Well, that was it. And he cried when Harry Kane didn't win Sports Personality of the Year. That's why you hate it. I would maintain that that is the only time tears have ever been shed over Sports Personality of the Year, winner or loser. Unless it's people or just the duration that's driven the distraction. Hang on, Frank. Didn't you do a song on it?

We did. What's going on? We've got to go to the break soon. But I'd forgotten about this. This is a bit weird. Look, I don't. I'm not against it as a show. I just think we need to accept it means nothing to anyone, even the winner.

OK. That's all. But I don't mind. You know, you've got to fill television with something. Oh, dear. Yeah. But, you know, it's got to fill television with something. Oh dear. It's harmless. It's a attitude to life. As the Guardian said, but you still haven't told me you won last

year before you defend it as a very, very important TV standby. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. Claire Fizz believes it was Ben Stokes last year who won. Oh, yeah. I think you're guessing, Claire.

I love you, but I don't know you, but that's never stopped me. Cricket World Cups, that's a chance. There you go, you see. How come we don't know? I love Ben Stokes, but I wouldn't remember that. One thing I would like to add about... As someone said, the BBC don't even have the rights, so they talk about a big sporting event

and then they show you some photographs of it. Thank you, yes. Well, we can do that in the papers. That was one of our readers, Graham, who's pointed that out. Yeah, bring out a brochure if you're going to show us photographs. Serbizor three hours or something. Yeah, exactly. It is long, isn't it?

Is it long? TV's longest night. That's it. But I meant it in the edit. Oh, no, it's live. But, Frank, if you had to wear the faux fur bear coat with Spotty on the back all year, could never take it off, even at home,

I think that's fair enough. I'd watch it then. I think... When the coat gets put on and you know it's stuck on them for 365 days. I think Lewis Hamilton could carry that off. He's sort of cool enough. And he hangs around probably with people

who follow the avant-garde fashion world a bit. Whereas it might be harder if you're Stuart Broad. He would look terrible in the coat. Yeah, you don't want to be wearing that as a county gang. It can't be the spotty coat. I love that Tyson Fury's... He's got three sons all named Prince. Yeah.

Hasn't he? Because as he says, he's the king. So he's the princess. It makes sense. No, we don't even question it with the royal family. Good point. But because he's the king and so he'll end up being the princess. It makes sense. No, we don't even question it with a royal family. Good point. But because he's working class, oh, it's a big fuss about it. Exactly.

I actually love that. I like it. I think it's a good idea. You know what I love? Go on. Life! Oh, yeah, you do. I told you earlier.

You'd forgotten already. That was a lousy quiz. 490 has said, I have an antique balloon mould on my wall. Balloon mould? I think... Do you think that's a... A mould.

A mould, or do you think it's some mould that looks like an old balloon and it's in a shape? I'm hoping it's a sort of a steampunk mould of maybe some brass valve that was on, maybe a balloon that belonged to the Montgolfier brothers. It is Twickenham, so I think that's the sort.

It's from Sam in Twickenham, that. Yeah, I think it's part of that. I think in Twickenham people own things like that. Yeah. They don't have any mould on the wall in Twickenham, I don't think. No. Nick James has on the wall a wheel nut from a Williams Formula One car.

Wow, did that, like, shoot... A wheel nut? Yeah. What, like the locking wheel nut like a mechanic would ask for? I'll show you here. It says on it, it's got a gold plaque saying Williams Grand Prix.

Does it still happen? Occasionally you'd be walking down the road and a a hobcap would fly off a car and slam into I mean a really

dangerous I saw one slice an Alsatian in half I didn't see that I didn't see that I'm just making just making it more

making it more colourful wouldn't be a nightmare really it'd be awful wouldn't it especially if the bloke with the lead hadn't noticed

just carried on just put the front bit oh no I don't want to think about that Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Anyway can I thank

Miles Hodson Miles Hodson you may remember sent us the best fit line ruler many years ago. Oh, yes. A fabulous ruler.

And also wrote a book called 2089. He has sent me a, I don't want to go into too much detail, so I might give the game away, although my son is playing football this morning. You'll probably see on, be a ten minute piece on sports personality of the year but anyway what he's done is he's sent me some postcards from various planets miles and the idea is that i send them to buzz as if they've come from those well that's nice that's lovely it's clever old scam on miles's so thanks for that. Good stuff. 839 has been in touch on the subject of sports personality of the year.

Hi, Frank and team. I work in a jewellers and we have Leicester Piggott's BBC TV Sports Lifetime Achievement Award in for cleaning. Oh, OK. Andy. But it came in for cleaning eight years ago and they've never bothered to pick it up. They forgot about it. Poor old Lester's been gone a while. Lester Piggott, of course, was for a while in the chair.

Oh, he was in the jockey chair. If you did a joke about horse riding or anything, you always said, oh, look at him. And also about tax, wasn't he? Was he taxed? Ken Dodd was taxed. And then Ken Dodd took that. Yeah. And then I think Lewis Hamilton, maybe.

I think Jimmy Carr, probably. Jimmy Carr was in it briefly. Yes. Jimmy, yeah, it's all car themed. I owned it, to be fair. And can I just say also, we've discussed this before on the car theme, who do you think you are

when you're pulled over by the police and driving fast? What would the policeman have traditionally said? Who do you think you are? Sterling Moss. Very good. Thank you, Frank. They always used to say that thing,

your car, is it, sir? It's one of those. And you suffer for a second. You think, is it? Is it my car? Doesn't want to happen to anything, really. But I didn't ask the policeman that no i i've told you on this show before when a policeman said to me i eat people like you for breakfast son oh goodness me oh man that's some kind of a cliche

um okay you know i was pulled over on a Vespa scooter with a flattened back tyre two flats back tyre and the motorcycle cop who was a bit pompous said let me give you some advice Mr Corcoran look after your tyres and your tyres will look after you

nice that's nice have you got his number he's got ours I Nice. That's nice. Great advice. Have you got his number? He's got ours. I was, on the night I passed my test, I was pulled over by the police in Stourbridge in the West Midlands for driving without lights. I thought you were going to say without a licence.

Because I'd never had a lesson where I'd had to put lights on and I'd only passed that day, so I'd never actually switched the lights and that hadn't occurred to me. It's part of the test now, I think. Anyway, he said, you know, I've got to give you a ticket and he got the thing out and he looked at my... And he said, what, you've just passed today?

And I said, I thought, here's a chance. I said, yeah, yeah, I've only passed today, so I've never had a chance to... I never had to put... He said, oh, I thought, here's a chance. I said, yeah, yeah, I've only passed today, so I've never had a chance to, you know, I never had to put. He said, oh, bad luck, that. Just filled it in. Thank you, officer. Hashtag get parade. He's in.

He ends it today. Thank you so much for listening today. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week Now get out