The Frank Skinner Show - Versace Zone

Episode Date: March 13, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been up a ladder before the show and he has been interviewed on Songs of Praise. The team also discuss the new ShoeZone finance boss, double denim and tangle teezers.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show by the Absolute Radio website. Morning all. Okie-cokie. Do you know, I mean, do you know that I was on a ladder at 6.22 this morning? Were you filming a Benny Hill sketch? I was, I'll tell you what I was doing. Have a guess, Al.

You're a man about the house. I'm going to guess that you've become a method comedian and you were working out how many comedians does it take to change a light good one i i'll tell you what i was i had the fire the smoke alarm thing was beeping and they are the most difficult uncompromising things to deal with, to get off, to get the batteries out. I thought maybe if I press this button, because I was worried it was going to wake the rest of the family up.

So I thought if I press the button, maybe it'll stop. I pressed the button and the whole alarm went off completely. Like they're a cruel mistress. I mean, oh, man. And I always have that moment when I'm not sure if that first one I heard was the beep of the smoke alarm or my trainer stubbing against the linoleum. You know that?

So I was up a ladder doing that, which is, I really hate those things. I mean, I don't want people who've had their house burned down texting in and saying, yeah, well, mate, it's better to have the beeping. But, oh, there must be a nice easy one. We don't want to hear from Elizabeth in Windsor. No, exactly. Keeping a low profile, I think,

is the contract of Notre Dame used to say. Frank, we've heard from Henna's from Gravesend. Are you familiar with his work? No. Quite a regular correspondent. I know, but I am an old man commander. That's one for the Stingray fans.

Al, do you want to share Henna's insights? No, I can't see it. Oh, I'm sorry. He says, morning, Frank and the gang. Whatever happened to news footage of suited business people rushing around the London Stock Exchange whenever there was a big financial story?

Warmest regards, Henna's from Gravesend. Yeah, well, I suppose it's one obvious answer. There's a national lockdown. I know what Hennas means, though. I feel whenever I see that archive footage, it's always people in red braces with big 80s phones. Stripey ties. Not stripey ties, stripey shirts, but with a white collar.

They had weird clothes, didn't they? It's like no one's done any recent footage. I don't think is perhaps Henna's point. Do you think it is really like that? It's people shouting and shoving each other out the way and they've got wild hair and braces.

There's a way to find out. I think it used to be. I was invited there once, invited to the floor of the Stock Exchange. How did you get invited? Dear Frank, please come and see us. Love the city. Yeah, just come and share the experience of the floor of the Stock Exchange.

But I didn't fancy it. No? I thought it'd be full of terrible people, if I'm going to be completely honest. I may have been wrong. You know, we all have our bias. But I thought they were just getting me there as some sort of working class hostage.

Any road up. And what you can't see, Al, is that I've had my hair cut. Oh, well done. And what do you think, Em? It looks quite nice, doesn't it? Absolute stone cold fox. Well, I'll tell you.

I'll tell you something. It's what I'm calling my songs of praise haircut. Ah. Because I did songs of praise recording. I've been told about this. You've been told about it? Yeah. Somebody sent me a message saying,

here's Sean Fletcher talking about Frank and you should talk about it on the radio. Wow. God, it's like having Marvin Gaye on the show. Oh, is it out there then already? Oh, well, I, yeah, so I did. They said we use this song for praise. And I said, can I get a haircut?

So they didn't use scissors or anything they just put their hands on me and asked me what I wanted and it just happened. Faith, Faith. Haircut. It was a very moving moment. But it was just there. No hair, none of the excess hair was there. Did they sprinkle the water on you as well? Well, I think they use eau de cologne. Oh, do they? Okay. Isn't it odd, eau de cologne? I wouldn't, if you said to me,

what's the best place in the country for nice smells, I wouldn't say, oh, probably cologne would be my first portico. Water of cologne. Actually, that's just given me a thought. I'll come back with it after this. You do that. I'll write it down, you know what it's like. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about

Eau de Cologne. I don't think it's by L'Anthric. You're right. I'll tell you what. He likes saying that. You know when they do those ads, was it Tweed? Tweed by L'Anthric. You alright? Yeah, I'll tell you what. He likes saying that because, although, you know when they do those ads,

was it Tweed? Tweed by Lanthric. What a horrible name for a perfume. I know, the two, Tweed and Lanthric, don't really go together, do they? Yeah, oh, I really want, I love smelling like a game, game groundskeeper.

Game keeper is good. It's game keeper. Yeah, that's the word. I, see. I, see, we help each other, isn't it lovely? You do.

Oh, it's like last of the summer, wine. So, I was thinking that, well, we had that conversation, you know,

I was moaning about smoke alarms, that the perfume industry employs these people they call noses. I've met a nose. Have you met a nose? Yes, in glass. I have a friend who was a nurse.

Really? Yeah. We all know noses. I've never met a nose. I should explain for those who don't nose that these are people with particularly sensitive smell glands or whatever it is that does the smelling on a human being. And you can let them smell a perfume. Like the producer today, Sarah, who you know I am a big fan of.

But today she does, if Elizabeth Taylor arrived today, alive, I mean, that's what she would smell. So the room is full of, what is it, Sarah? Jimmy Choo. Of Jimmy Choo. Honestly, I've got it on my chest, let's put it that way. Anyway, if I got one of those old retired noses

and offered them a free, offered them my spare room, I wouldn't need smoke alarms anymore. Oh, alarms anymore because the nose would get any whiff of smoke early on and wouldn't beep just come and knock on the door and say or

madame monsieur I think there's some sort of fire and we'd be ok so there's any noses any homeless noses, Lisbeth? You'd like to employ them? I imagine they're paid quite well, are they, noses?

They are paid an absolute fortune. I met the Louis Vuitton nose. Okay. Male or female? Male. Okay. I'd say late 60s. Impressive character.

That long ago? How dare you? I bet they're worried about coffee don't they I think so talk about people's businesses going down if a nose gets it and can't smell for 12 months exactly anyway I've got to say perfume adverts

the world has moved in all sorts of interesting directions in recent years, but perfume adverts have stayed exactly the same. A world where irony has to wait outside on the car park. So people can say, and it's all very all right. What about when they had Brad Pitt for Chanel No. 5?

He said, Chanel, inevitable. Oh, man. Come on, is it? Is it, though, Brad? Is it inevitable? It is once he'd had the call from his agent with the fee. Yeah. It's inevitable.

You can put money on that. So, yeah, so I did Songs of Praise. How lovely. It goes out in April. I didn't sing on it, can I say. Harry Seacombe's not on it anymore. See? Shocked.

Freaking is. See? Yeah. No, it's hosted by a friend of the show, in brackets, Catherine Jenkins. Oh. But I didn't meet her. But it was lovely.

Sean Fletcher interviewed me. He was a very, very lovely gentleman. Lovely. And what was nice for me is that my dad wouldn't let us watch Songs of Praise when we were children because he used to say it was too Protestant. So they said, we want to interview you what have you got any ideas for a venue or so why not because they said what about a church songs of praise fair enough and I said we want to use my the church I go to the Catholic Church locally and then

I got a call saying them Oh songs of Praise said would you mind if it was a non-Catholic church and I thought my dad who we laughed at was spot on You told a highly relatable anecdote earlier about smoke alarms. I think we've all had that frustration of trying to get a smoke alarm to shut off. Oh, the sound it makes.

Because I find I hear it, but not so much in my ears. I feel it when you're the joint of the jaw. I can feel it in that, like I'm being bullied at school. Oh, yeah. You were the bully, then, probably. Spare a thought for 553. Here's a text message from 553. I spent 12 months trying to resolve beeping smoking alarms in my house.

Turns out... Is he avoiding swearing? I think so. Beeping smoking alarms! He continues, Turns out the house had been rewired before we moved in and the electricians had put the old smoke alarms under the floorboards.

I mean... Oh, what? Silly billies. That seems like malice, doesn't it? Yes, that's like when people are leaving the job used to put like haddock in the door panel of a car. Remember that story? I don't know if it ever really happened. Well, there was always that thing, there was always the door panel of a car. Remember that story?

I don't know if it ever really happened. Well, there was always that thing. There was always the urban myth of the revenge story to the ex was that how you would treat a badly behaved ex was apparently you'd let yourself into their apartment and sew prawns in the hem of the curtains. I'd also heard of fake pedigree chum pie. Oh, no. Very specific, isn't it? I've eaten pedigree chum pie. Oh no, very specific

isn't it? I've eaten pedigree chum, it's disgusting. Have you? I've eaten pedigree chum and whiskers and I'm not, you know, I'm just trying to remember if they advertise on this channel. I'm sure they're very nutritionist and suited to the felines and canines.

I, even though very drunk, found them both disgusting. I actually sat on someone's kitchen floor at a party, and they had a dog and a cat, and I just ate the two bowls. Oh, no, don't do it.

It was counterintuitive, I think. There's probably a better term for it. When you think, oh, yeah, you'd expect it to be horrible but I bet when you actually well, we've all had that experience in various contexts.

Yes. But no, it is horrible. Cat food and dog food. Oh, the ones you sampled was. I felt that one of well. My dog has a tureen, I'm just saying. He has a tureen? Yeah, he has a tureen.

Doesn't he just go in the garden? It was a latrine-based misunderstanding. OK, that's for people listening to this thing. I don't get that. Frank, we've had some lovely compliments on your work. What? What, retrospectively? Simon J Ballard.

I don't know if he's related to JG. Yeah, or Ross. Yeah. Just watched your, or the producer Bea. Bea is the daughter of JG Ballard, I believe. Is that right? Yes. Do they only use initials in their family?

They have to sign a lot of things and it's a time-saving device. Frank, I just watched your stunning Terrence Stunning, Frank. Yes. Terrence and me feature. It was so moving. A true fanboy pilgrimage. I actually held my breath when you entered the hallowed quarters of his office. Thank you.

Frank, would you care to elaborate? I will. I mean, I'm being shoved by the producer. But yes, Terrence and Mick. And I just say, I would say that, you know, I started off doing stand-up and then I went into television and radio. And now I'm mainly doing DVD extras. But I'll explain all in minutes Terrence and Me

is a short film that I made about Terrence Dicks and Terrence Dicks was a writer and script editor on Doctor Who for a long time. The whole Pertwee era he was in. Wowee. Some Troughton, some Baker.

But brilliant. And I did a sort of a pilgrimage, as they say, and I ended up in his writing room, which was brilliant, with his spectacle still on the desk and all that. Yeah, it was moving. I've got to be straight about it. And it's on the box set of Series 8, which features the Master in every story. Of course it does.

You don't have to tell me that. No, they do these deluxe box sets with loads of extras and incredible sound and everything's been re... They're really spectacular. I think they're sort of a... For the older fans like me saying, look, I know you feel the new series is moving or leaving you in its vapour trail.

Have these and thanks very much for your help. That's nice. Yeah, I think so. Oh, yes. Oh, what about, we sometimes have little chatettes off air and we were talking about... We were talking about the love between us all. We were talking about the theme music.

That actually wasn't as nice as that one. It was the deer hunter. We were talking about the theme music to the deer hunter. Yes, in case you don't know, twang, twang, twang, twang, twang. Twang, twang, twang. Probably the loveliest music anyone's ever played Russian roulette to. Yeah. I mean, I like the conga for Russian roulette.

But anyway. Oh, Frank. Where did we get to with that, though? Because we like to continue these off. You were saying you'd seen it because we were guessing, we were trying to establish who'd composed it. Frank, you were closest. I thought John Williams.

who'd composed it. Frank, you were closest. I thought John Williams, the guitar, the sort of friendly-looking guitar player. He was the only real English classical player I knew in my youth. Although I saw Segovia live when he was 80. Wow.

Anyway, John Williams did the Deer Hunter theme on top of the pops, and there was all these girls in miniskirts who had gone there to dance and be discovered just sort of swaying a bit to... Down. Yeah, and trying to put together dances that looked a bit like Russian roulette.

You see, I hated it when they do the slow ones on top of the pops. Well, John Williams was a blow. I think we've all seen this in bands that you might call, particularly, I think, serious musicians, is they're playing and one of them looks at another band member and just smiles in a sort of,

oh, this is what we love, isn't it? Frank, worst thing, guys, I've ever seen girls having to dance to, and men, on Top of the Pops. Hello, John Gotten, your motor. Oh, very, very staccato. Very staccato. I mean, that's hard on the spinal cord, that one. You could do damage.

Yeah, hello, John Gotten, your motor. Oh, God. Yeah, like John Cotton who goes... Oh, God! Yeah, I've almost... Special guest appearance as used car salesman in the video by... Ooh. You won't get it. It's quite obscure. Michael Sheen. Jonathan Ross's dad.

Jonathan Ross's dad, Michael Sheen. Wasn't Michael Sheen playing Jonathan Ross's dad, hasn't it? When he just used to be like the sort of thinking man's Mike Yarwood. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is still

Frank Skinner with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. I've had a letter from Lee Alder from Redditch. Dear Franken-team, it begins, which would be a good... If you were a manager of a football team and you put together a real hodgepodge of players, various qualities, ages, etc.,

Franken-team would be a good way to describe them as sort of like Frankenenstein so if there's anyone doing that you can have that okay so he um so lee tells us about you know the lockdown and all that so he's tried to learn some new skills and he's been um 3d printing. I never quite understand that. No, it's kind of unbelievable. I don't believe it. You don't believe it? No.

Well, I'm going to show you evidence of it in a second. So he started making bobbleheads for friends and family. Oh, yeah. What, like... Do you know bobbleheads? Oh, what? Was it like TFI Friday? No, no, no. Not enormous papier-mâché heads for them to wear around the house

as if it's forever carnival. No, no. They are figures where the head slightly bobbles like that. Oh, yeah. I've got bobbleheads for friends and family. My gran had a bobblehead. Her head went like that all the time. God bless her.

But this is a recreation. Who have you got on the bobblehead front, Al? No, I mean, I've got bobbleheads for friends and family. Oh, I see. It was a joke. Okay. All right. So then he said, I then decided who better to create a bobblehead for than you.

8, 12, 15. List of 8,000. Anyway, that's very nice of you, Lee. I know how much you admire and appreciate Doctor Who, so I made a Frank Capaldi-esque Doctor Who version with a special feature sound. And he sent me that, and it's great. Can we see it?

It's got grey hair, which I don't... He must have took that from the Capaldi. Well, that's it. You haven't got grey hair, Frank. Take that back. But I'm going to show it to Emily here. But we'll put a photo up on there. Do you know, that's

absolutely brilliant. It is, isn't it? It's fab. I mean, it's got a slight vibe of Ross Perot about it. Oh, wow. I forgot all about Ross Perot. But, yeah. We'll show you a picture, Al. I'd like that. I'm glad you a picture, Al. I'd like that.

I'm glad you said Ross Perot, because I was thinking formerly very popular mainstream comedian who fell from grace. Anyway. Oh, God. But, you know, we'll put the picture up and the police can do the rest. God's sake, Frank. And Dove... Oh, God, i'm being waved at again how long has the first

hour been like two minutes it's fled past for us and for the uh okay i forgot to mention i'm not the audio broadcaster of the year oh don't say you didn't want no i didn't win i didn't even add a thing saying you didn't win. Just nothing. Cast aside. Who won then? Clara Amfo won. Okay. And congratulations to her. But obviously, I'm not going to say there wasn't some pain involved that I didn't win.

I also resolved, if you remember, to announce that I'd been nominated. And then if I didn't win, I just wouldn't mention it. But of course, if the tooth is hurting, you've got to keep shoving your tongue in it. But serious congratulations to Clara Amfo. But I'm sure all the rest of us, you know, you think, oh, I really like the idea. Imagine going on the radio and saying,

yeah, actually, I'm the audio broadcaster of the year. Ha-ha. And I think also we're having contract talks at the moment, so that could have come in handy. I think. Honestly. Are we still on air? This is a live radio show.

I thought it was the news. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner This is Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran Text the show on 81215 Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website That was brisk, wasn't it? It was That's like terms and conditions on the end of some adverts that we play I respect those people there must be there used to be

a jazz phenomenon circular breathing oh yes where some sax players and that could just keep playing trumpeters and you're sort of breathing in

through your nose while you're blowing out through your mouth it's quite a thing yes and there must be some voiceover artists who've learnt that

just for terms and conditions oh yeah they speed it up remember this morning's texting does Mike like sport does Mike Hollis the BBC breakfast sports presenter like sport or is he just reading it from the autocue

who knows I don't know I mean he might he seems a lovely bloke and he's a joiner-inner, which I like him for. But I sometimes, I've watched some French versions of Laurel and Hardy films and they didn't used to dub them. What they used to do is they'd have,

they used to film them again and people would hold massive cue cards with the French written phonetically and Laurel and Hardy had no idea what they were saying but they would read, well, I suppose they had a rough idea. And I'm just wondering if it's a similar phenomenon. Maybe.

Doss might like sport, 8, 12, 15. Someone might know him and he might be a massive, massive sports fan. He might love it, Frank. I'm not saying he doesn't. This is a genuine, I have only warmth for Mike Hollis. I'm just asking.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It's a good thing. You don't get too involved. And if you get a sportsman in for an interview, then I'll say, can I have my photo took with you and all that. Yeah. One of the other Texans that you've already got running

is about people, is it a myth that somebody leaves, like, fish when they sell a house in the curtains or whatever? I'll tell you what was another one, Al. Do you remember this one? That if you got sacked on your last day, you go back into the office when everyone's gone and you phone sort of the talking clock in Tokyo

and leave it on for the weekend so you cost the company a load of money that was another one phone Tim as we used to say pardon? phone Tim as we used to say remember Tim? my mother would always say in a very theatrical voice,

I don't know, darling, phone Tim. And there was a fabulous, when you found the speaking clock, there was a fabulous juxtaposition of the abstract and the commercial where they'd say, the time sponsored by Acurist. And you'd think, wow, Time has got a sponsor. Also, don't you find Tim, you had a bit of a sort of Simon Cowell X Factor approach. He'd say, the Time sponsored by Acurist will be...

Oh, I was on the, honestly, edge of my seat. My, there used to be an extra long beep at the end. Sorry about this, but we're off now. We're going to be back on. My eight-year-old child is an enormous enthusiast of Siri. He asks Siri. I always forget to ask Siri. He asks Siri all sorts of stuff.

And the other day, he sneezed during talking to Siri, and I was waiting to see if Siri would say, bless you, but tragically, he didn't. So if anyone's listening, that'd be a good addition to Siri for the new year. Yeah. Ow. We had a text from 577.

I found a piece of wet fish hidden inside the side of my kitchen bin when I moved into my house. It'd have been put there deliberately. I had to take the whole bin apart to find it. Maybe I am a nurse. Covered two topics there. That's from Linda.

To take the whole bin apart? We were discussing nurses also. Okay. That happened to me once in an apartment in Paris. It was a Napoleon bin apart. Good night, everyone. I'm leaving now. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. Frank, Christophe, I don't know if Christophe is one of our regulars, but I feel like he should be. I like the sound of him. Surely, Christophe says, Christophe implores, surely you have to discuss the appointment this week

of Mr Boot replacing Mr Foot as the head of Shoe Zone. We've had other correspondence, Al, haven't we? Oh, many. Callum in South Shields said, I'm sure none of you have ever stepped inside a shoe zone, but it was announced today their finance boss, Peter Foote, walked away from the role to be replaced by Terry Boot.

Nominative determinism for sure, but more interested to know what Emily Dean makes of the store as a whole. Well, your witness. I'm sure none of you have ever been in there. It's a bit uh i'm sure i have well i'm sure you have as well for a start off it's it's one of the best shop names i think there's something about the use of zone on it which gives it a sort of sci-fi twilight so

and also that thing you know a friend could phone you, how are you doing, Frank? Oh, I'm in the zone today. Oh, are you writing some great gags? No, I'm buying some brown slip-ons. I really like the zone. The shoe zone. I hope they advertise it like that.

I think that's what I... When you go in the shop, it could go, you are entering the shoe zone. Sorry. Sorry, Anne. I'd like the front doors to be like the Close Encounters spacecraft doors

when you enter. Oh, yeah. I think that's what they should be like. Well, can I say, I looked up shoe zone because I hadn't been in there. You're quite right. You looked it up. Zone, because I hadn't been in there, you're quite right. You looked it up. The only reason I haven't been in there

is I got so many free shoes when I was doing television. More of your relatable material. Exactly. Yeah, but there's a twist to it that goes, it's not so much fun, that I've reached an age where I now have enough shoes to last me. Let's put it that goes that is not so much fun that i've reached an age where i now have enough shoes to last me let's put it that way oh that's cheery yeah exactly so um i looked at when i look i particularly like one of the shopper reviews which is one of those reviews which it's not derogatory

it's it's nice but you know if you looked it it's like I do a poetry podcast and it's an element of that. There's a sort of an echo underneath the main theme. So this is what the shopper review said. Low prices and the shoes are good quality and comfortable. And then the last bit, and the majority look great. Now, of course, all I want want this is a book who's real or a woman who's totally into shoes that i really want to see the minority that don't look great in this person's because i feel that they're you know they're giving shoes on the benefit of the doubt but

the ones that even they could not include in the blanket praise that's what I want to see the majority look great yeah if only we could say that of the human race if only we could say that of this show let's be honest well you're always very well turned out like an upside down cake

oh man turned out. Like an upside down cake. Oh man. We'll be back with more of Mr Foot after this. Our Mark Goodge. We've been talking about Shoe Zone this morning, much to my surprise,

and Mark Goodge has communicated with us via Twitter to say, I think Shoe Zone sounds like one of the discarded ideas for Crystal Maze. Yeah. Excellent work, Mark. It's a great, it's a great... What was that place you took me to? The Sunglasses Hot or something like that Oh yes, the Sunglasses Hot

And Frank got very obsessed by the fact That it was Whether it was Sunglass Hot or Sunglasses I don't know that Sunglass Is a phenomenon The suggestion was That what goes in Sunglasses Is Sunglass Unsurprisingly, Al phenomenon the suggestion was that what goes in sunglasses is sunglass and i don't unsurprising

me al he was the first person who'd ever raised this and i wouldn't say i wouldn't say it was greeted with an enthusiastic approach to curiosity no nathan was not impressed now you mention it sunglass is probably not darkened glass like in sunglasses. Sunglass would be see-through glass in a greenhouse, wouldn't it? Well, now you've opened up a whole can of worms, Al. I hadn't thought of that. I know I'm down the line, but I'm stroking my beard in a sort of a philosophical, thoughtful way here.

I feel that was such a good point. I feel like you're stroking mine as well. I feel sick. We were talking about Shoe Zone. Yes. We should explain to our readers, perhaps you gentlemen can take care of the details whilst I attend to my petticoats.

Well, there's been a change at the top of Shoe Zone. And they've gone for a slip on instead of laces Yeah and I should say just as a brief summary we have spoken on the show before about a phenomenon called nominative determinism which means that your

name some subtle way influences what you end up doing for a living. Sarah Blizzard, the weather lady. Oh, is that? There you go. And Gary Player, the philanderer. Barry Chockel, going into light entertainment. No, I'm not sure they were born. I'm not sure they were born as Chockel.

I've got a really good one. Go on. Mark De Man, the Belgian footballer. Wow, I've never heard of Mark De Man. Defensive player. Mark De Man. Well, that's very good. But you're getting the point, loyal readers.

He wasn't born yesterday. What is De Man tomorrow? Tomorrow tomorrow isn't it yeah awful okay so yesterday is a year so yeah so so shoe zone it turns out was managed by um mr foot is that right? Yeah, not Michael Foot, the former Labour leader, but... Peter Foot. Peter Foot. What worries me about... He was head of finance.

So it would already have been funny if the guy in shoes owned... Exactly. But Peter Foot must have been furious when he was replaced by Mr Boot. He was hopping mad. And then it made the papers, because he must have been waiting for that to happen when he got the job, being called Foot. Yeah.

Sorry if you're listening, Foot-o. He's actually quoted in the news story saying, this was already funny when it was just me. Oh, did he say that? No, I just made that up. Oh, I was going to say, sounds a good book. I might have him and his wife around for dinner. But would you say the foots are coming tonight?

That would feel very ungrammatic. I'm afraid they'd have to allow me to call them the feet. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Mr Boot the new main man we haven't said actually what happened the takeover

Peter Foot left quote open quotes unexpectedly after seven months I think to be fair to Shoe Zone... Oh, not a sentence I've ever heard before. Very like many shops have been hit by the COVID thing, so it's probably tough at the top and at the bottom,

I would have thought, at Shoe Zone at the moment. Strange PR line. But Peter Foot... I'm hoping they'll send me a pair of their less attractive ones. I said, thank you. Just to see what that constitutes. That's what gets me. Big sort of clumpy executioner shoes you have.

Very, very uncomfortable. Executioner. Agony, absolute agony. Just to go to the bathroom. I'm sure they don't sell... The reviews are excellent for shoes, Anne, come on. The most unconvincing... Come on, you've ever given...

Anyway, Mr Boot has taken over with immediate effect. OK. And he came from the company of master jewellers, is that right? Yeah, they've got to be Freemasons. Yeah, he's been replaced by Jasper Carrot. Get a jingle on for that, quickly. That's worth a jingle, Frank, come on. I'll tell you what, I'm slightly worried that Mr Boot is about...

I think with nominative determinism, you have to let it happen. I think if you make it... It's a bit like the Lenny Lottery approach to nominative determinism. It has to just be in the ether. I was looking at his CV, Mr Boot. What have you been up to? What are you doing? And he worked for Brandtana, which is a shoe place,

and then he worked for Jones Bootmaker. So I think he's been waiting for this story forever. He's changing jobs just to get this story. Have you been on his LinkedIn page? Yeah. Have you been on his LinkedIn page? Yeah. I bet you he wears the Monopoly boot on a chain around his neck.

That's the kind of guy we're talking about. Oh, that'll be his medallion. Yeah. When journalists from trade newspapers come to interview him, they'll say, what do you wear to bed at night? And you know, like Marilyn Monroe famously said, why Chanel No. 5, of course. Yes. You know what they'll say, what do you wear to bed at night? And you know, like Marilyn Monroe famously said, why Chanel No. 5, of course. Yes.

You know what he'll say? Inevitably. He'll say, my little Monopoly boot. Oh, yeah. See, I'd be all right sleeping in a Monopoly boot, because I never sleep, I never, ever sleep. You feel like sleeping on the Central Reservation. I think that's proven. I never sleep on my front.

The only time I've ever lay on my front in bed, it's all right, it's going to be okay, breakfast radio, is when I've had an argument. And if I've had an argument with someone in bed, I always lay on my front. I don't know why. It's a sort of a, there must be some body language

thing going on there of wanting to disappear into the world of the mattress. Do you sleep on your front, Al? I'm taking the fifth on this question. I sleep on my side. Yes, that's the place for sleeping. Okay. Okay.

I like it. But to me, the slight nominative determinism thing has been impaired by a sort of making it happen kind of thing. I'll tell you what, my son went back to school this week and he polished his shoes. And I was thinking, I haven't polished my shoes probably for 20 years. And I was thinking, I haven't polished my shoes probably for 20 years. And that was in a hotel where they just had polish, and I thought I might as well use it to get my money's worth. Do you polish your shoes, Al?

No. There you go. Died out. Well, that was a fairly comprehensive survey you took of the population. Died out. I'm going to be honest, though, and this does make me sound like 150 years old, I don't even know if women polish their shoes. Is that a thing that women do? I mean, we've been known.

I think it's a whole other conversation, though, about consumerism and how the idea of repairing seems to be dying out. And it's a good thing. We should be polishing shoes. Now people just think, oh, chuck them out, get a new pair. And you know where they go? Down to shoe zone. Yeah, OK.

Is that right? Yeah. Can I say I've become quite pro? Shoot. Yeah. I don't know that repairing things rather than throwing them away is... Look at Sharon Osbourne Oh God

Frank, Annie and Oliver sounds like a lovely sort of gift shop Cornish gift shop I think they sound like a very musical couple to me andy and oliver why i don't get it tomorrow oh yeah two musicals of course oh well well i say sir well done i didn't get the musicals gag and Muscles did it Muscles did it

lot of exclamation marks in that name Annie and Oliver what did Annie and Annie and Oliver says good morning to you all every night we listen to older episodes today we are finally listening live just to inform you as

a woman i always click i think i did the emphasis wrong there just to inform you comma perhaps as a woman comma i always clean everyone's shoes in the household oh wait for it there's a hyphen coming. At least once a week. Wow. Love being live with you all. Annie and Oliver. Well, it's a hard not life. One has to say that. That is, well there's lots of A, do they need doing once a week

and B, in the 21st century, come on, Annie. Make them do it themselves. Goodness me. Hey, what about that? Do they have a son? Do they have a son? Annie and Oliver?

Yeah. No, just the dog. OK. We're going to call him Sandy, is what I believe she said. It's going to go on forever. I was suggesting that the son was going to come out tomorrow and then I lost my nerve that it might be misunderstood. Frank, have you put some pictures of yourself up on the socials this morning?

No. I'm not on the socials. I know we are officially, but... I'm afraid the producers... I don't have no truck with it. I'm afraid the producer's nodding and it appears some images have been released of you, possibly without your consent.

OK. What are they? I'm slightly worried. Matt Henson has got in touch to say, enquiring as to where Frank got his retro Admiral tracky top from, John Bishop Fun Run, Shane 2 launch,, or Borrowed from R. Keith. That's from Matt Henson. Wow.

I actually am very covetous of that top. Well, I'm... But I haven't... Have I been seen on the street in my Admiral tracky top? The producer? What's happened? It's the picture with the bobblehead. Oh, picture of you with a bobblehead. Oh, I see. Yes,

yes, yes. I haven't been pap for about ten years. The paparazzi shots of me are actually drawings. Oh, God. There's an engraving of Frank Skinner

in the song, I see. A Giotto Fresco. The Harry Potter premiere. I like that, you know, my Fresco. I spent the night in Fresco and then I went to Tesco. OK. In every kind of disco, that makes you wonder about so many things. I went to Tesco okay in every kind of

disco that makes you wonder about so many things I mean if you

think of the amount of genre of disco I bet there's one with the word zone

in it anything else from Alfresco we've had all sorts of there's a lot 937 has concurred with your else from Alfresco? We've had all sorts, Al.

There's a lot. 937 has concurred with your comment about referring to Mr. and Mrs. Foot as the feet at your hypothetical dinner party. Has opened up a box of old memories. The pluralisation of proper nouns really gets my gut.

He continues, in a former life as a barkeep, I remember becoming repeatedly irked when an innocent customer would order several Guinnesses. Further, as a triathlete, here we go, and veteran of several Ironman competitions,

I would find myself wanting to say Ironmen. Oh, yeah. Even though wanting to say Ironmen has a double entendre entirely unintended um yes i see what he's done there i'm uh i'm slightly i don't making i don't get it but that's a good sign that means a lot of the audience won't either yes i don't see the guinnesses so what should he say, I'll have seven guineas? I think so, yeah. Oh, who's, who, eh? The trouble is with that, I'd imagine it was some Victorian detective taking his fee.

That'll be seven guineas, sir. That kind of thing. That's a little explanatory footnote with drama to help people along with that one. I'll tell you something, if you need my hand, take it and I will lead you forth. Wash it first, though. Of course.

It's got quite a lot of chocolate raisin on it at the moment. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Oh, that was awful. They're going to come rolling in.

They're going to come rolling in for terms and conditions work. Is this what it's come to? T's and C's. Is this what it's come to? T's and C's. This is what it's come to. You're dividing your time between that and Doctor Who box set DVD extras.

Exactly. He's going to set up a Twitter page and say we'll do T's and C's. You know, necessity is the mother of inventors. Don't be too proud about how many years you've lived in. Contact Frank Skinner at Waitrose.com. Hey, we had an email during the week

that begins with an apology. Forgive me for a midweek message. I don't think we have any rule on that. It didn't wake me up. Don't apologise for... We're not like the Monkeys band. We all live in the same house. I listened to the podcast.

That's why they've sent it midweek rather than on a Saturday I think is their point. There's a sauce called Frank's Hot Sauce, which is a chilli-based sauce that I enjoy greatly. I was imagining what type of sauce it might have been

if it was made by Frank Skinner. Would it be a different flavour or type? Ooh, well that's a tricky one, isn't it? I always think of that bloat. Isn't there only really one proper success story from 95

series of Dragon's Dead? And that's the guy... Levi Roots. Yeah, what was the name of his stuff? Levi Roots. Berry, Berry Sauce or something like that. Oh, there's also, there's only one other success story, it's the Tangle Tees, man. Oh, I don't know.

Mr. Tangle Tees. Although, was that rejected or taken off? Is he a lady's hairdresser from the 1960s? Yes, you've probably seen the product, Frank. Tangle Tees. Every woman in this studio will have, yes, Sarah has one, He's a ladies hairdresser from the 1960s. Yes, you've probably seen the product, Frank. Tangled teeth. Every woman in this studio will have... Yes, Sarah has one. I have one.

Faye has one. Yeah, I've got one. You've got one. I've got one in my house. What is it? What is a tangled teeth? It's a clever hairbrush. It's a clever plastic hairbrush.

It's very hard to explain. We'll have to show you a visual image. We'll have to show you some visuals. I think that's the only way out. Can you explain? Does it tangle and tease? It detangles painlessly. Oh, well, then already it's deceptive in its title.

Yeah. Yeah. I thought it tangled, as you would. It should be called untangled teeth. Anyway, you were talking... Tiny teeth, it could be called. What was I talking about? He was rejected and went on to make a fortune.

Hot sauce. Yeah, what was it called, though? It was called... It's a famous sauce. I've seen it at Lord's, not Lourdes. Reggae, reggae. Reggae, reggae sauce, exactly. So that, I think, is the big hit.

Most people just are sort of humiliated and rejected on the show. That's why we love it, of course. You know what? In the old days, it would have been a super hot ski, but I think it would be something quite... The best sauce in the world for me is mint sauce. And I put mint sauce on all the meats. Frank, I would...

I will not be restricted to lamb. I 100% agree with you. It's a wonderful sauce. It's a great sauce. And the texture. It's like God has allowed us to eat the tea leaves out the bottom of a pot and it's nice. It's when you get the tartness. I'm worried that there are sheepep Defence League people listening to this.

There were a few of us. But I'd put it on all the meats. As I say, I'm a Democrat. OK. So that's what I'd have. A sort of a mince sauce, which could be... I've never seen a squeezy mince sauce. No, it's too classy.

No, that's what I'm going for. A squeezy mince sauce. Thanks, Sorted. Thanks, it's too classy. No, that's what I'm going for. Squeezy mint sauce. Thanks, Sorted. Thanks, Sorted? Yeah, and it's called Making a Mint and it's a picture of me, like, you know, as a sort of a Ronnie Rich type figure, top hat and a cigar

and all that's on the left. Well, I'm sorry to tell you, I'm out. You know. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we showed you an actual Tangle teaser earlier, didn't we? Yes. Was it your first encounter with one?

Yeah, and I have to say, if I was one of the dragons and somebody had whipped that out, I'd have said, don't bother, because to look at, it just looks like a hairbrush. I'm saying nothing. No, but it looks like a hairbrush. I don't know how he, this person, I don't know who Mr Tangle Tease is. He's called Sean. Okay. Sean!

Nominative determinism. Does it cut hair as well? No, but can I tell you what this... I bet he didn't like the mint sauce material. Yeah. Can I tell you what the key is to the success of the Tangle Teaser? Can I say, just a reminder, that I like you doing it live, I like you doing it live, but we have a fabulous trombone sting on the jingles board that I always forget to use. Come on then, get it out.

That is a goodie, isn't it? Do you want to know what the key to the success of the Tangle Teaser is? Sean's Tangle Teaser... You betcha. ..patented teeth. OK. The teeth... He's got unique teeth and he's patented them.

They've been invented. They are teeth like no other on a hairbrush. Oh, really? So I'm guessing they slide... You should get your teeth patented. They slide through tangled hair without tearing it out at the scalp. You got it.

Ah. And what's the tease element? Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. That's slightly provocative. Sometimes the blood is literally running down the front of your face and sometimes it's as smooth as silk. Let's just say it's like a toss of a coin and you can do it with the deer hunter theme as well just to give it that uh that bit of jeopardy

so what is the tease uh aspect oh you have to buy one to find out oh well those are the teeth anyway um can i have your recommendation i I take it. Oh, thoroughly. And my horse loves it as well. They're very good on horse tails. Are they? Are they really? Do they cory? Do they, John?

That's what they say, isn't it? Is it a cory comb? Oh, I believe it is that. It is. Very good knowledge, Frank. Listen, you two. Attention must be paid. I don't like to is that. It is. Very good knowledge, Frank. Listen, you two. Attention must be paid. I don't like to let an anniversary pass.

It is the, I believe it's the 20th anniversary of Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake's double denim moment. Do you remember that? Well, I read about it recently, but I don't actually remember it the first time around and I used to be I used to kind of like

Britney in a post modern ironic kind of a fashion and they were both Mouseketeers of course they were and it left a loss what a way to meet, yes we were Mouseketeers oh come course. They were. And it left a lot. That's how they met. What a way to meet. Yes, we were Mouseketeers. Oh, come on.

On the Mickey Mouse Club. I mean. And also, who was that dirty woman? What was she called? How dare you? She sang dirty. I didn't know her. Hank, it's 2021.

Yeah, but who sang dirty? It's what? Loaded Magazine Editorial. Was that but who sang Dirty? It's not Loaded magazine editorial. Was that your column in Loaded? Who's That Dirty Woman? Frank Skinner's monthly take. Who's That Dirty Woman? No, who sang Dirty?

You're talking about Christina Aguilera. Yeah, she was a Mouseketeer as well, wasn't she? Was she really? Yes, an unlikely graduate of the Mickey Mouse Club, I think we'll say. What about when Mickey and Minnie Mouse are coming round for dinner? It's another grammatical dilemma. The mice. The mices.

That's the worst of both worlds. Yeah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Earlier, I think you were asking whether Mike from BBC Breakfast enjoyed sport. If you like sport, yeah. Yeah.

We've got information. Well, I'm sure he can tell us because he literally just started following you on Twitter moments ago. Breaking news. Yeah. He's probably trying to pick up a few things about sport. Oh, did he? Does he say anything? He hasn't. I'm still waiting for his first communique but he just started

following you. I hope he hasn't taken it badly, Mike. I know. I said it was said with love. There you go. Okay. Oh, Mike. No. I said it was said with love. There you go. Okay. Oh, dear. You can ask him to just tweet yes or no. He'll say, you know, let's have a big fight,

like when Ali fought Tyson that time. He'd probably say, yeah. Make it worse. No, I'm sorry, I'm making it worse. Make it worse. I speak. I'm making it worse make it worse always I speak I think it's perfectly okay if he's not

into sport can I say great hair as well Mike yeah but you don't assume that the news readers are into everything they read out do you

by any means or know about it yeah he was an early adopter of the tangle teaser actually I think the presenters on a show

like I don't know, for example... Morning, Mike. I'm not going down with this ship. Morning, Mike. Hello. The presenters on a show like that, where so many things are covered,

they're like an aeolian harp. You know, those things you put on your wind sill and the wind blows it. You know, they are a mouthpiece for the world. You know what? I'm buying what for the world. You know what? I'm buying what you're selling. Okay. Meanwhile,

Frank Skinner, one of the top four audio broadcasters in Britain. Not the best, not the best, but you know, not the best,

the shoe zone of the top end of audio broadcast. So, meanwhile, over in double denim land... Oh, yes. So, this picture... Al, what were you going to say? I just, I mean, I don't want to be pernickety,

but you say double denim, but it's actually so many more multiples of denim than double because it's two people each wearing so much denim there's no room for any other fabric i don't even think it's quad or quintuple my maths isn't good enough and for a little while on this show i was known as aladdin oh yes oh yeah very clever yeah very clever it was um what is this repulsive denim it's picture. I wasn't aware of this picture, but it is apparently an iconic shot of them arriving at some do,

Justin Timberlake and Britney, when they were an item. I wasn't aware of this picture. No, completely. And when I say completely, Justin's got a denim trilby on. I mean, that's junior common room, I'm going to make myself a bit of a character, isn't it?

And also the jeans he's got on are not even nice jeans. They're all patchwork and boot fit and all that. And they had them, hadn't they? Oh, they had them, hadn't they? Don't worry about that. And they've got a sort of... But Brittany's also got denim. And she looks great.

She's got denim. She's got a strapless bodice ripper of patchwork denim. But imagine the next morning, let's imagine that they were living as man and wife unofficially. Imagine the next morning trying to sort out who's his who's in Sweden as we used to say in the black

yeah you'd be oh now that's your terrible just a pile of denim in the corner like a quo dressing room we were talking about Britney and Justin's...

Did they have a portmanteau name, Frank? I don't know. Was this pre the concept of that? Justin-y. No, I don't think they ever did. Brit Lake. Brit Lake sounds like a shopping centre in Dudley. Like a shopping centre in Dudley.

But, Brittany, the level of detail on this reconstructed jean, do you think that's a better way of describing it than double denim out? Yeah, I think that's really good. Reconstructed jean fabric. The level of detail. D-O-U-V-L-E-D-E-N-I-M I hope they sang that when they arrived I think that this picture is a classic example

of double denim gets a little bit of stick but when it's worn well it can be fantastic I say Britney looks amazing he looks like it's like well, it can be fantastic. I say Britney looks amazing. He looks like a really big suit jacket he's got. Here's the problem.

It's very strange, isn't it? Because he's wearing a denim jacket, but not in the cut that we would call a denim jacket. It's like a denim suit jacket, as you say. He looks like a denim flowerpot. There is some history here. I vaguely remember, forgive me if I'm wrong, I'm old. He, I believe, wanted to reconstruct his suit. He had a signature style of suit at the time.

I may be wrong. I have a feeling Versace, they may have been responsible for the double. But it's covered in Levi's branding. That sounds like, oh, maybe Versace were trying to take down Levi's. When we say Versace, open brackets, factory shop. Off cuts, bastards. Are you sure it's not Versace zone? Yeah, Versace zone.

That'd be brilliant. I bet there's one of those. Somewhere in Hong Kong now, a man is just turning the lock on Versace Zone, letting the air in. I like Frank's tone of horror when he said, Versace did this? Like you're on RuPaul's Drag Race.

Well, Arturo, who else? Arturo used to look great in double denim. Do you remember Bewitched? Oh, yeah. The girl band.

The girl band who replaced the first E in Bewitched with an asterisk. Who knows why? Who knows

why that happened? Someone said you can't just, what? Was it a rights issue with the Elizabeth Montgomery sitcom Bewitched? They had some river dance music in the middle. Do you remember? They did a little dance. Did they really?

Yeah, they did some river dance in the middle of the first song they released. So it might have been Bewitched because they were involved with the occult. Is that the suggestion? If anyone knows, this week's texting on 8-12-15, why did Bewitched asterisk the first E in Bewitched? I'd really like to know the answer to that. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. We're talking about Double Dem. Well, we should mention Bewitched. Bewitched. Yeah. Because we've heard from some of our readers, haven't we, Al? With regards to... Yeah, we haven't got an answer to the asterisk have we?

Well, would you say there's an answer? Of sorts. Okay. Well, 995 has pointed out Bewitched were second to this style Slayed were once the apostrophe in-betweens in-betweens

Ah, were they? What was that? Do you remember the Mylene Class Band? What were they called? Hear, Say. Oh, yes. Didn't they have an... Yeah.

They had an apostrophe. Hear, Apostrophe, Say. Did they? Didn't really make any sense. They haven't lost any words. See, that's the trouble if you let the young people name themselves. You know what?

You've got to have a meeting with a grown-up when you're naming the band. Exactly. I mean, that's why they don if you let the young people name themselves. You know what, you've got to have a meeting with a grown-up when you're naming the band. Exactly. I mean, that's why they don't do YMCA anymore. They get lost halfway through. Anyway. I'm all out of drink. And that Slade text was unsurprisingly from Bob in Birmingham.

Hey! Baby, baby, baby! OK. and 554 possibly closer to 554 tell us your witness pal come on if I can't reach into the back of the car

you too this might be closer to the mark is B asterisk witched wasn't it a thing at the time like five and five the I is an exclamation mark and seven the seven in the middle so it's

seven and seven. Seven is replacing V. Okay. Because the young people are very starting to sound like that terrible car number flight magazine I used to get sent.

But, OK. So we don't know why they... They could have removed any, any letter. It's the truth. Yeah. E-witched. And then, of course... She-witched.

They could have called it she-witched. OK. OK. One night... You know, that was a terrible moment. she witched they could have called it she witched ok you know that was a terrible moment when I thought of that I thought I can't wait to get this out it's so exciting and you looked at me like I've got something on my nose do you know what it was like

it was like when you wake up in the middle of the night you've had a dream and you think oh I can't wait I'm going to turn this into a novel when i wake up and then you share it with a partner or a friend and they go oh i know i've written down so many things in the night that have just been the only one that's at any value whatsoever was doc nostrils uh it was called and it says there and i'd written they're always top of the bill. And I thought when I wrote it I thought that's me done now.

I'd do that gig at the front of an hour and a half show and they'll just laugh for the rest of it. Have you used it in a show? No, of course not at all. Frank, 191.

I'm so sorry to interrupt but attention must be paid. I don't often start a sentence I had a friend. But now it's gone. Sorry. 191. No one does denim but attention must be paid. I don't often start a sentence I had a friend but now it's gone. Sorry. 191 no one does denim

like the Quo. And then a little emoji of a I bet if you asked that person their favourite Quo album they would say dog of two head.

That's my prediction. Go on. When you meet a proper Quo fan they love the dog. Tell us a little story about when you meet a proper quo fan they love the dog tell us a little story about when you had a little friend tell us about

the friend you had that had well I had a friend in Birmingham who had a mini with denim upholstery that's cool now imagine

if Justin had arrived in that that night I mean people people would have thought that underworld, shadowy underworld figures had decapitated him and just wedged his head on the headrest. He wouldn't have been able to have seen any.

But it was, he was really quite, come and have a look at this as well. We were all, wow, that's fantastic. Oh, dear. Really. If anyone has got denim upholstery, Carl, we'd love to hear from you. Might be the same guy kept it.

You remember denim aftershave? Of course. Inevitable. I do. I used to put it on the top. All right. Double tip. All right.

Okay, enough. Look, thank you so much for listening this morning. It's not the same when you don't. Thank you so much for listening this morning. It's not the same when you don't. Thank you so much. Look, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, just for a few more weeks, stay in. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio.