The Frank Skinner Show - Vintage Gouda

Episode Date: January 28, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It’s Frank’s Birthday today so there’s gifts and NO cake! The team discuss cheese and brussels sprout sandwiches, a wrong coat and an incident with a rook.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Good morning to you.co.uk. Good morning to you. Morgan. Morning. Special morning, special day. Yes.

In case you didn't catch this earlier, it is my birthday today. I've already opened gifts, which is exciting. I include in some headed notepaper I've been bought, which says at the top, from the desk of Frank Skinner MBE, which, I mean, who do I send? I think that'd be good maybe for querying a parking ticket. Do you know what?

I just wonder if that would still have some sway. A vague threat. Yeah. You'll regret this. It's a very nice way of saying do you know who I am? I'm calling it passive-aggressive stationary, and I'm

here for it. I'm 66 today. I think the more things I get with my name on, the more helpful, just as an aide de mémoire. It's not far from when I'm saying do you know who I am? It will be a genuine, heartfelt inquiry.

The slip from rhetoric to need. Oh, what a thought. What a thought. Bold! Have you seen the advert where they've changed the words of gold? They haven't. So it says like

gold! Not bold rather rather you know bold the washing up bold and it's got built-in lenoir it's stuff like that that might not be the actual words but you know it's got the thing with bold and i'm not advertising it because i don't know where our washing machine is. No. That showed you in a lovely light. Yes. But Bold has a big thing on the front of it that says something like, includes Lenore. And Lenore gets it down like, I think, what?

This is going to draw me in to my Bold. Oh, hold on. Look. Contains Lenore. That's a bonus. I'm so sick of mixing my own Boldains Lenore. That's a bonus. I'm so sick of mixing my own Bold and Lenore. Yeah, exactly. In a big bath in the garden.

Has he made Bold Lenore cocktails? Yeah. I knew. I mean, I don't want to get something that hasn't got Lenore. Lenore? Yeah, what? Lenore. Bold!

Plenty of Lenore yeah what Lenore Bald plenty of Lenore anyway Lenore is quite a whimsical name for a detergent what is it what is Lenore it's a fabric softener

isn't it and if you took the thing about Lenore if there was a contractual disagreement what would be missing from Bald that Lenore

brought to it it's a softener isn't it is it I think so the beauty of Lenore brought to it. It's a softener, isn't it? Is it? I think so. The beauty of Lenore is its mystery. Yes, you're probably right. You don't want to start unravelling Lenore's mystery, trust me.

Okay, I'll leave it there. I went down that road once. Yeah. That's the other thing I hate, when adverts cut songs. You know they have to cut songs, but you get really unsettling cots. But they don't resolve the... So there's like a holiday one at the moment, and they use Tomorrow from Annie.

It's one of my favourite musicals ever. Oh, do they do a mash-up? And it sort of goes, the sun'll come out tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. And you think, no. No. No, it doesn't happen there. That's horrible. There's no build. That's not nice. You've taken the grey and lonely out and cut straight to the sunshine.

They might have left grey and lonely, but they'd certainly, they'd get way too early to the heartfelt tomorrow, tomorrow. Yeah, when an advert has to be aggressively trimmed down for a small slot. Guys, one of the worst ones was, Everybody, yeah, chicken satay satay no i'm not having that yeah you've actually sold it accidentally quite well does it come with lenore um that's one of the great um year years in in the song what What? Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya.

She didn't say I love you. Fabulous. Yes, that's the trouble. The orphanage has damaged her vocabulary forever. Oh, man. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were just talking. I don't know how it happened, but we went from Aguilera.

Christine Aguilera did a song about not being gorgeous, even though she was gorgeous. Yeah. And then we went on to... Beautiful, beautiful. Britney, Justin Timberlake. We went through the whole, whatever it was, three minutes, went through the whole Mickey Mouse Club.

Yeah. Dramatis personae. The Greek chorus. Did we ever get the Mickey Mouse Club? We never got the one with Britney and all that over here, I don't think. Not to my knowledge. I'd like to see that now.

Also, wouldn't you love to have been part of the Mickey Mouse Club? You know what my dream would have been? You work on the Mickey Mouse Club show and then you phone in about your tax bills or something. And they say, right, occupation. And you say, I work for the Mickey Mouse Club. And they say, how you spelling that? And you say, M-I-C-K-Y. Be worth it just for that. So.

Well, you've had so many birthday greetings, Frank. Oh, lovely. Ruth Jordan, one of our regulars. Yes. Happy birthday to Frank. And, of course, to St Thomas Aquinas. Did I pronounce that correct? You did.

Thank you. I believe it's also Pierre's birthday this week, unless Wikipedia has its facts wrong, which I can't imagine ever happens. that correct you did thank you i believe it's also pierre's birthday this week unless wikipedia has its facts wrong which i can't imagine ever happens it's pierre's on the 31st i believe it is next week so we're aquarians we are apparently yes yes i don't know i don't know if either of us put much worth in it from the strength of that conversation. I think we were both sharing askance glances. What does it mean to be an Aquarian? It means it's quite good.

It's all the creative. It's a bit like being in Ravenclaw. It's all like creative and a bit sensitive. Reading a book in the attic. Yeah, exactly. Seems to be the same vibe. But I am also Ravenclaw, according to be a vibe very that but I am also Ravenclaw

according to my yeah that's true so yeah that's me heard all tracks I got a phone call from my partner yesterday I am upstairs

in the house and Kath always calls me she never she never like shouts up the stairs she just phones me up that's the modern world um and perhaps a little insight into the size of our house nevertheless she said to me um she said to me um there's a there's a rook eating a pigeon in the garden

can you sort it out and it's very vague living in a Jane Austen novel first of all I thought to myself honestly my first thought I didn't say to her

because you've got to be careful but she says I thought you've gone rook with this as interesting see I would go crow if it was my default But she says, I thought you've gone rook with this. See, I would go crow.

If it was my default large black bird, it would be crow. But she'd gone rook, which I thought was like the next stage, really. The bird hipster. Well, you know, I would never think rook. What next, raven? Is that what I've got to expect? I love that she went rook. Anyway, as a corvid, we established that. it was one of the corvid family right so um i went down and sure enough um this big um i'll

stick with rook this rook was um i don't know whether they kill pigeons or not, or whether it got lucky. Oh, they'll do anything. Horrible, horrible people. So it was eating this pigeon, and I went out to... Well, rescue was a bit late for rescue. Yeah. But basically, there was a lot of feathers come off it. I didn't want them on our lawn.

So I took the pigeon. I just thought, I don't want to want our lawn so i took the pigeon i just thought i don't want to touch the meaty but i had it had it mess its maker at this stage oh yes yeah it was an ex pigeon as i believe the monty python so i took it by its cold bony little hand charlton heston. As if I was leading an old lady across the road. And I just slung it over the fence at the end. Into a neighbour's garden? Not into a neighbour's garden. Oh, I know the area you mean. Yes, into the land.

Also, I can't see over the fence. So I think if you throw anything over a fence that you can't see over, it no longer exists. I think that's the philosophical Plato's cave filled with dead pigeons all the time I was doing it this Covid was in the tree going absolutely

spare what was it doing? like that at me you were nicking it's dinner you know when you're in a restaurant and they take your plate and you haven't finished? It was like that. It was absolute crow rage. Do you know, I don't like them.

No? I've never got along with crows. I like the sort of, I like their sinister appearance. I always like goths. I like goths and they are the avian goths. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went to Abbey Road Studios the other night. Oh, yeah? Recording some demos?

No, I wasn't recording. What were you up to? What were you up to? I was in the audience for a live performance of music from Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio. Wonderful film, now I say. Which, incidentally, it was conducted by Alexandre Desplat. How did you find these pronunciations this morning? I was interested in the rendition of Guillermo. So was I.

Could I get a burst of that again? I struggled with it all night. Guillermo del Toro. Did you struggle with him or something? Something happens. I'll tell you what I him or something? Something happens. Oh, do you know what I did? I made the mistake. I went past the second sentence.

You know when you meet someone? Did you meet Guillermo? Some celebrity, yes. Shut up. But when you meet somebody, you just have the second sentence and then you're done. So he'd done a talk and he was a very impressive bloke.

And he was talking. He had like a sort of philosophy of life. And anyway, so I said to him after I was introduced and my mate said, this is Frank Skiris. Hello, Frank, how are you? And I said, I really enjoyed that. I thought you did. You said i really enjoyed that i thought you did that was said some really interesting stuff he said i really matters to me that stuff about collaboration

about it being a team you know about um and we were like a family working on it what i didn't say is that why you've called it guelbo del toro's but okay i didn't say that. And then I said, oh, yeah, and I like that thing. And then he said, hello, hello. And it was one of those moments when I'd gone on to the third sentence. And you'd overstepped. Yeah. But he was very, he seemed a very nice bloke. Did you, just out of interest, did you give him any advice, Frank?

I didn't. Because I know you've got previous here. Well, one of the hashtag orcs was, I think I was the only person in the room? I didn't. Because I know you've got previous here. Well, one of the hashtag orcs was I think I was the only person in the room who hadn't seen Del Toro's Pinocchio. And it is phenomenal, may I say. I'd love to, and I've tried to see it. My family won't let

me. Why not? Because my son says, oh, I don't want to watch that. I want to watch Kiss live again. Or some deaf leopard. So I end up not watching it. You don't watch things on your own. And I don't. When?

When? That's someone who... Yes. What do you put? Who forgot to have chilled. No, you don't get that. There's no time off. Oh.

So I've never been allowed to watch it. OK. I could perhaps do it tonight on my birthday. I was going to say, give yourself a little treat. A little me time. You've got licence now. I'm lining up a western for tonight. Oh yeah. I wonder what St Thomas Aquinas

will be watching at his house. Something on Catholic theology. With the family going oh Tom have a day off mate just the exorcist yeah just something to

thrill him in his old age anyway yeah so Alexandre Desplat he decided earlier Desplat he decided Desplat that's the sort of name

that you'd give a French character in a kind of crude play but he looked like Mr Burns he really looked like Mr Burns

and it was Burns night but no one mentioned that either anyway I'm really surprised it was his decision excuse me

it's Burns night and you look like Mr Burns. No, I meant questions about the music. Oh, sorry. Before we start, by listening to Guillermo del Toro's music. Who is that guy? Who is that terrible guy who said I look like Mr Burns? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

You had any Doctor Who gifts today? Well, I haven't... I didn't get any gifts until I got here. Oh. And so you've seen my gifts. I will discuss them shortly. I feel I'd better figure out, I'd better tell you what Alexandre Desplat said about it.

Is this the one who looked like Mr Burns? It certainly was, yes. And he said that he wanted, the music he wrote, he wanted to be all wooden instruments, like woodwinds, piano, violins, because it's Pinocchio who's made of wood. Uh-huh.

So that was his thing. And I said to someone, well, in that case, they shouldn't have had strings. Nothing. Oh, you're have had strings. Nothing. Oh, you're kidding. Nothing. I mean, when am I going to get to use that joke again unless I do it on air in retrospect? You should have stood up and kicked off.

I should have had so much material. Well, how come it's called Guillermo del Toro? It's Burns Night and you look like... It was all there I could have been the star of the night but no I mean

that's quite a takeaway Frank I could have been the star of the night exactly Guelmo he hogged all the attention and there was a lovely bit when a boy got up a wooden And there was a lovely bit when a boy got up.

A wooden boy? There was a boy. A wooden boy? Did he have a long nose or a little hat with a feather in or something? It wasn't him. He was there. I have a little friend called Chimney. The voice of Pinocchio was there.

Oh. I spoke to him and after... Was he a boy? He's a boy. And after about 20 seconds, I could tell he was thinking, who's this weirdo? So I went on and on about him being ginger because I've got such a thing because my son's ginger.

What did you say? So ginger's doing well. I said, it's great, you know, ginger's like you're doing well. You didn't. And he's like an actor boy, you know, and he's like looking at me. I said, it's brilliant I said I'll show you I said to his mum

I'll show you a picture of my I'll show you a picture of my son he's ginger I mean what's what's the matter with me you didn't say

you were starstruck it was Pinocchio I hadn't even seen the the pop it version of him anyway and he wasn't

before he was sang sang you can't just go up and say it's great you ginger's doing well it's a strange comment I thought you could you should have just congratulated him on becoming a real boy yes exactly I asked him how he was finding it second sentence that would have been great I like that he felt compelled to call his parents over he He probably hasn't. No, his mum was with him, I think, as some sort of chaperon.

Oh, yeah. Anyway, a boy got up and sang. There's a song in the film. You've seen the film. Oh, I love the film. There is a song. I'm very wary of a song in a film. You know, when the soundtrack suddenly... I mean, I watch a lot of Westerns

and they love it in a Western. Do they? Where do they have the sound? He rode on a saddle I watch a lot of westerns and they love it in a western do they where do they have the saddles yeah he rode on a saddle into the blazing blazing sun just you think

oh no who's doing that yeah it did throw up one of the great rhymes of all time

which is from High Noon which has the song going through it where the rhyme is, He made a vow while in state prison It's gonna be my life or his Bravo!

I heard the bloke shout Bravo the other night, sort of unironically, at the opera. I love it. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. I felt a bit intimidated at the Guillermo del Toro thing because... Can I just ask, did you insist on pronouncing his name like that or what? I don't know how to pronounce his name still. Yeah?

Guillermo. I would have said that. Guillermo. What happens at the air? Where does that go? An L sound or R? Rolled R to an L. Rolled R?

Guillermo. Didn't he do that? Pierre does that so beautifully. Guillermo. No. Oh, anyway. Del thorough. Also, that thing of having a small letter on the Del.

Come on. what about your monogram dressing gown you're right with Del Monte it's going to look a mess you didn't like Del Monte no no but he was

he was just so positive at bloke whereas Doctor No he dragged me just dragged me down at bloke so there was because there were people who were very passionate about film music.

And there's a certain breed, I didn't meet any of them until I moved to London and travelled in more hoity-toity circle. Everyone I knew, you couldn't have, they would have known that song from High Noon, but the incidental music, I never listened to that stuff. But people who know about film music, whenever they talk to me about it, I always feel they're saying that I've noticed something that you haven't noticed. Do you know what I mean?

To be fair, they are, really. They are. They are saying exactly that but you can see in their faces oh yeah I love I love the soundtrack of

Guilherme Del Toro's what's it called The Shape of Water or something yes yeah which was also Alexandre

Desplat actually Desplat he called himself for that one oh god anyway it's a bit like I've been watching football now

for over 50 years I still have little more than a wispy idea of tactics and all that stuff and I have been at matches where people have said things I'll give you an example, they're getting us on the second phase pick up every

time. I don't want to hear that stuff. No. I just want to watch the ball being kicked about. I don't want to know about three at the back and all that. Most football fans have no idea about it and they're perfectly happy. I think if you want that sort of talk you stick to American football.

I just don't, Well, I hate that. And I don't want that kind of talk. It's film music talk. It's I spotted something you haven't spotted. I don't want to spot it. The other thing with this, if you're specialising in film music, is you're saying, I've spotted something you haven't spotted, and it's

my passion. There's so much you haven't spotted that I've dedicated my life or spare time to noticing it above what you've noticed. When I went to the cinema as a youth, it used to be that thing, as soon as the film ended, these really crinkly curtains would close out.

You couldn't read any credits at all. Because everyone thought, we haven't come here to read, we've come here to watch a film. Honestly, heighty, tighty. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner at MBE on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli.

And you can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Them's your options. Let's try this. Someone sent us... Who sent us this jingle, Sarah?

Stuart White. Stuart White? Yes. Sent us this. I thought there'd be a man with a bugle pen would turn up. Would turn up. This is Frank Skinner, MBE, on Absolute Radio. So that's my celebratory fanfare.

I like a fanfare. Yeah. I like the things that hang from the bugles. Penance. I think you should put that little... Some look like penance, some are sturdy. They look like proper war hangings, medieval war

hangings. Yes, I know the ones you use. Mini tapestries. Yeah. They unfurl. I think you should have that as your voicemail. Leave that as your message. No one ever calls. I can't remember the last time I actually got a voicemail message.

What was the last voice message you had? I find it weird when people say I left you a voice message. Well, my manager leaves voice messages that say,

Rags, John. And that's it. I like that. That's quite frightening. He's not a man who gives you any inkling of what it's going to be. He's a man of action.

Not words. I think he's actually from. He's a man of action, not words. I think he's actually from Acton. A man of Acton. No, forget it. Can I read this? What else? What else is going on? Well, firstly, I'd like to apologise to my colleagues. I made up one eye during the last break

and it's all gone a bit clockwork orange, I'm afraid. You made up one eye? Yeah. I've only got mascara on one eye. Oh, I thought it was something we'd discussed and that you'd made up and the eyes have it and it turned out it was a fixed vote. You'd made up one eye. No.

And in fact, it was a draw. I put mascara on one eye. So I've gone clockwork orange. Nice. I do apologise. Jo from Essex has been in touch. Joe Essex. Joe with an E or with an...

No E. J-O. So we're thinking probably... Joey Essex. Might be the formal version, Joe from Essex. Hi, Frank and team. Delighted to hear Frank mention Persimmon Fruit, a.k.a. Sharon Fruit, at the end of last week's show...

Of course, I would prefer Sharon Fruit in Essex. We've got to rebrand this. Oh, it's all right when you do it, isn't it? It's all right when you last our manner. It's integration. Oh, lovely. That's what I do. I, too, would pass over cake in their favour.

I recently sent my friend a rather boastful message about my love of the fruit after Sainsbury's informed me via their app that I was the number one buyer of Sharon fruit in the east of England. Wow, that's really quite... I haven't got a fanfare for that.

You've got to give it something. Oh, no, I have. This is for you. What was it again? So, this is Joe from Essex, the number one buyer of Sharon Fruit in the east of England. What? I bought... I got three packets this week four in each packet

wow really so I get through quite a lot of I'm sticking with persimmon you're coming for her title Joe continues

nobody has bought more than me in 2022 in the east of England nobody alright we get that Joe we understand the title alright has bought more than me in 2022 in the east of England. Nobody. All right, we get that, Jo. We understand the title.

All right, from the desk of Frank Skinner, MBE. Nobody underlined. I worked hard for that title and I don't regret it. So imagine my surprise. Hold on, hold on. I'm finished imagining it. Okay, I've got it. So this is just to remind you,

Joe had sent a friend this boastful message about the love of the fruit. So imagine my surprise when the friend swiftly replied that he was the number two buyer of vintage Gouda in England. Wow. Did you say Gouda or Gouda? You mean the Dutch cheese? Yeah, I never know how to pronounce it. Gouda? Gouda in England. Wow. Do you say Gouda or Gouda? You mean the Dutch cheese? Yeah, I never know how to pronounce it.

Gouda? Gouda, yeah. He'll know the Dutch. Gouda? It's definitely Gouda. Oh, we don't want any of that. Oh, yeah, Mo. Yes, well, Gouda del Toro.

Gouda del Toro. Gouda del Toro. It's definitely Gouda, isn't it? I trust you, Frank, but I'm just saying. I trust you. He was the number two bar of vintage Gouda in England. Okay. My question, does my first-rate regional fruit success

eclipse his nationwide second-rate dairy-based glory? I welcome your thoughts on this matter. Happiest of birthdays to Frank, Joe from Essex. And Joe from Essex has sent us the Sharon Fruit proof here. No, I wasn't doubting it. The rubbish brag to make up. The proof is in the Sharon Fruit, isn't it? Yeah.

Sentences. This is the old debate, isn't it? Local versus national. I mean, it's all a bit Andy Burnham, this conversation. But we'll come back to it, and we'll find something. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. We were discussing, Joe, from Essex's debate, whether it's better to debate whether it's better to be whether it is better to be second in Essex at buying persimmons

or no first in Essex at buying persimmon is it persimmon or persimmon oh I don't know I think it's guillermo anyway those orange things it's always better to ask. I've decided it.

I think it's better, is it better to be first in Essex or second nationally? Now, my view on this, Jo, is that to be second, to be first in Essex, Essex with all its shell-suitery, to be first there in buying persimmon, that's really, you sound like a cultural island, and I respect you for that. Whereas once you go national, you bring in, you know, London and York.

I love the way you say London. It's like contempt. Well, you know, you're going to bring in like vintage Gouda. You're going to bring in Simon Sebag Montefiore. You're competing against

the real Titan's Bell. Michael Heseltine. All those guys, they're bumping up the... You've got your Gales patrons. Yeah, so I think in the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. That's what I'd say to you, Joe.

I think it's more noble to specialise in persimmons than to just enjoy some cheese like everyone else. I know, but vintage Gouda. Yeah, that's true. We're not just talking Gouda. No. I know, but vintage Gouda. Yeah.

We're not just talking Gouda. No. This sounds absolutely like 1384. Talking about persimmons and the country of the blind. I don't know if they'd reach there then. Where do they grow? What, persimmons? See, I instinctively looked at Pierre.

I thought he'd know where persimmons come from. I'm going to guess the Far East, but I've got no clue, to be honest. Oh, you always guess the Far East. Strange long-running row to have with a partner, the friend. You always guess the Far East. That really upsets me about you. That's always your default. Oh, do you know what happened to me last week?

Well, I'll tell you. I went to the hairdressers. As I was leaving the square... What happened? Was it closed? I've never been so... Actually, I have. I was leaving the square, as we call it.

Oh, yeah, the square. This is our square. And Pierre said to me, I quite liked it. A little bit cheeky. I, yeah, a square. This is our square. And Pierre said to me, I quite liked it. A little bit cheeky. I quite liked it, Frank. He's growing in his cheekiness. I said, I'm just going to the hairdresser's, Pierre.

He said, I imagine that's going to take most of the day or something. Okay. I said, will it take most of the day? Oh, you asked first. I've learned. I've learned that ladies' hair takes the whole day. He went with you. With me to Liberties, you to the thing.

He's become a sort of like our personal shopper. Yes. I could sit in the hairdressers reading a folded up paper, one leg over the other. He's my faithful companion. He's like my companion. He's my demon. So I went to the hairdressers.

Fabulous. They always do a fabulous job. Very pleased as ever. Thanks for noticing. And as I got home, put my hand in my coat pocket, pulled out a set of car keys I didn't recognise, a house key I didn't recognise,

and a boarding pass for a flight to Philadelphia. Business class. When you answered the phone that morning, did you say, make me a winner? That sounds like a week's prizes to me from our breakfast show. I'd been given the wrong coat. Oh, the wrong coat. It was the wrong coat. Wallace and Gromit sequel number seven that's the that's

who's number one buying that vintage gouda yeah yeah the wrong vintage gouda wouldn't have brought in the people would it that'd be people but it gouda is it g. Let's call the whole thing off. What about vintage, being the biggest buyer of vintage Gator who listened to the old radio station? Well, that'll be me. Anyway. We're having so many. I should just, I want to acknowledge, attention must be paid, that we're getting so many lovely birthday messages.

That's great. I'll come and have a look at them after. That's very lovely. I can't actually see any messages that come in. They all come through Emily and Pierre, because if I see anything negative, I go into the fetal position and suck my thumb. And tiny, tiny bits of blood come out my ears. So I live in a sort of cloud cuckoo land,

thinking everybody loves me. Well, luckily for you today, the messages are the sort of, what I'm looking at is the sort of tableau you'd expect for a sort of a very frightening soviet leader the level of the level of adoration is uh extensive so maybe i'll do a speech from the balcony here uh tedley manor has been in touch i watch your wonderful show in chunks before bed. Oh, which show would that be, Frank?

I don't know. I had a dream. It's all gone a bit Martin Luther King. I was going to say, though, it's a bold opener. Yeah. I had a dream that Frank co-headlined Wembley with the red hot chilli peppers. I had terrible sleep, but Frank was awesome. Make it happen.

How do you feel about that, Frank? What was I doing, stand-up or contemporary dance? I sincerely hope it was the former. Yeah, I've never really got into the chillies. I don't know, people have condemned me for that when I've spoken to them about music. That wouldn't stop me. I haven't done much support work. I supported many years ago in the early days of my career.

I supported Lloyd Cole and the Commotions at the Wakefield Opera House. Extraordinary. How was that? It went very well, actually. Oh, okay. Though I say so, it shouldn't. Frank, I do need to share something with you, which is some correspondence we've had.

Before you go into this, I understand this is something we should clear up, that there's been some vintage gouda gouda news, because there was something about it I don't know how we pronounce it and shall we just clean that up technically?

Gouda for the Yanks Gouda for everyone else Can you say the Yanks? It seems like Pierre has some special

I mean diplomatic immunity from all of this Lethal weapon too Because he has a leg in so many kingdoms Okay Well I'm going to have a big leg as well a community from all of this. Lethal weapon too. Because he has a leg in so many kingdoms.

Okay. Well, I'm kind of a big leg as well. What is a big leg? Piano Valley's Big Leggy. That's what I sang before the chillies came on. Just so you know, Pierre, that was a song by a group called Hazy Fantasy he's making reference to in the, was it the 80s, Frank? It was called John Wayne

He's Big Leggy. Oh right. He wasn't saying something weird. So Americans say Gouda and we say Gouda. I went out with a California girl Do you wish they could all be California girls?

Well, the East Coast girls I really like the clothes they wear. How do you find the West Coast girls? Do they make me scream and shout? Are they the ones? They turn me on when I'm down there. Oh, that's fine. I don't know.

That's what he says. I haven't been turned on since the 80s. Don't say they turn me on down there. It's horrible. I think I been turned on since the 80s. Don't say they've turned me on down there. It's horrible. I think I've been on standby for over 30 years. Anyway. Don't say that either. Yes, I thought I knew all the Americanisms

from watching, you know, films, reading comic books. And then this woman said, I'll put some, do you want me to put some herbs? reading comic books. And then this woman said, I'll put some, do you want me to put some herbs on there? And I said, some, she said herbs. And they turned to the H in herbs. Now I've dropped a few H's in my time, but herb is not that herb. You want an herb?

Get off me. That's what I said, I think. Only temporarily. Can I tell you something I hate? Good. Whenever I'm watching TV, just quite frequently, and someone mispronounces something,

and they try and sort of cover it up and deal with it by saying, sorry, put my false teeth back in. Oh, yeah. Oh, I can't bear that. Why say that? Everyone else says it. We've heard it before.

We know you don't have false teeth because no one has them because it's not 1951. Yeah, well, when I was growing up everybody had them. Over 30. Literally, people would just have them all whipped out. People would put them in a glass of water, is that right? At the side of the men with a sterodent

soluble tabby. Wake up in the morning, your teeth are clean. Yeah. But imagine if you swiped on Tinder and then you woke up and there was a false teeth next. I mean, how did people procreate? I think, um, well, you know, it's got its pluses and

minuses. Nevertheless, how do we get on to this? Sorry, I just suddenly thought of it. Well, I put the telly on lunchtime this week. I was having a cheese and Brussels sprout sandwich.

And... Why? It looks like a... Why? It's really nice because... It's the sort of snack you'd see in the beano. It's extraordinary. It's not a nice looking snack. It's extraordinary. It's not a nice-looking snack. It looks like a rabbit's back

when they've got the myxomatosis. How do you present the sprout? Do you slice it? No, I don't slice it. So the secret is you slice cheese and then you put the sprout, they sit on the cheese as if they were skiing. Yes.

And then you put the top on and the hot sprout... Gets mushed up. Does it get crushed? Yeah, no. So the sprout melts the cheese and the butter. It's a beautiful, squidgy, sprouty, cheesy thing. Do you press the upper layer of bread down to create the sort of... Yeah.

I was going to say... You bet I do. You bet your sweet bippy. Frank, but haven't you got two raised Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom-style balls on the bread. Well, not two. I get about half a dozen on a sandwich. I was envisaging a sort of

phalanx of nine of them. Like a telephone pad. Yeah, they are. That's what they look like. Sort of stone lions holding up a coffee table is how I'm envisioning it. But you do squeegee. It squeegees more than you think. I mean, you're thinking of a raw sprout. I try not to think of them at all.

A boiled sprout's got a bit of givity. Anyway, I put the telly on. It was on the bosses. Remember, on the bosses, popular. It's had the warning on the front. What did it say? It said, on the bosses, actually wasn't that funny. It said at the beginning.

And lo and behold, it wasn't. But very early on, this is a reference back to last week's show, the inspector, Blakey, said, oh, oh, God. He said, I think Jack's trying to take a diabolical liberty with my niece. And I told you, everybody said diabolical liberty when I was a kid. It's gone now.

Gone, but not forgotten. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. Frank, I'm getting still a bit bothered by your incident with the crow. I just think that could be a quite traumatic thing to witness. It could have been a rook or a raven. What did it do, the crow? Did it fly off? Did it give up in the end?

Well, obviously, when I went out... Did you fly off? Did it give up in the end? Well, obviously, when I went out... Did you guess anyone's just tuning in? I was called to deal with an incident in my garden. The most self-important thing you've ever said. I was called to deal with an incident. Well, my partner phoned me, even though she was in the same house, and said, there's a rook eating a pigeon in the garden.

Can you deal with it? Or can you sort it out? Yes, as though you could negotiate. Yeah, so I went and threw the pigeon over the garden fence. When you threw the pigeon carcass, did you do a sort of... One last flight. Yes, but did you do a sort of discus, sort of full spin? No, I didn't throw in the hammer.

Yeah, yes, the hammer. I didn't draw myself a mock circle in the thing and go round and round. You see, Pierre, he's so with his safari experience and he's been out there, he's so comfortable with the circle of life. The way he just casually tossed in with the pigeon carcass well i was with a friend once and his family in uh kew gardens and his son said uh can we play pirates and he said yeah you go off and play and then what do you mean? Well, I can continue walking off. And then he came back and he had a dead parrot, which he'd found. Which was, you know, very convenient for piratery.

Oh, yeah. But it was of an age where we couldn't really explain death to him. So I took the parrot and placed it in the tree as if I was, I wedged it in a hole in the tree as if I was putting it into some little nest. Like you're trying to prop it up. Yeah, I'm very good with bird dispersal. Yes, that's general. I can see

why Kath called you now. To deal with an incident. But, yeah, so... The thing about crows, Jeremy Paxman once told me... You're saying crow, my partner insisted it was a rook. I'll discuss this with her later. Let's say it was a rook.

You know, they're similar, aren't they? Similar personalities. I think it was a rook because it was only moving in straight lines, forward, backwards and sideways. Oh, goodness. I'm so happy with that. Jeremy Paxman told me they have memories, crows, and they remember

human beings. So, I'm just saying... So, me throwing the pigeon away. They don't forget a face. You made an enemy. They will come back for you, Frank. They will find you. And I don't want to say what's going to happen next.

I don't think. I think I could handle one of them if it came to it. I'm a sort of COVID sceptic. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. By the way, do you recall that my partner Kath and I did a documentary for Absolute about Kate Bush? I do. I can honestly say I haven't had one word of feedback about it. Okay.

I'd like to know if anyone listened. It's quite an odd thing to say, darling. Well, it's because my partner was on. It was one of my few dips into what I think is a fairly sordid pool of people getting their wives, kids, me and my son going. Do you not like that? People just dragging in their non-celebrity family and making TV shows.

Why don't you like it? I think it's sort of watering the Ribena a bit too much, if you know what I mean. So there's not enough celebrity in the pint glass. Is there also an element of you that thinks, look, I've done the clubs, I've done all my hard work. Yeah. Why should you come along at the end of the story?

Exactly, build your own ladder. That's what I think. Never asked me to take them to work when I worked in a drop forgins. No. Hello again. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show at 81215.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I love Frank resenting people who bring their family into their celebrity. It's just a weird, what are people up to? It's like footballers taking their kids and their girls, wives on the pitch. What's going on?

I think it's a bit thirsty. I won't watch anything where someone has brought a family member to a TV show. What about the royal family? Well, they're all there in their own right. There's blood. There's blood there. They're all in the club. I won't watch anything.

For my sovereign, I would go to the cannon's mouth. But, you know... You've changed. That's actually a quote from Mrs Dalloway by Virginia Woolf. But I... No, I don't like it.

OK. I don't like it. There's something... Oh, you brought your kid with you. A bit embarrassing. Where are they going to sit? OK. Anyway, what else?

Oh, I love you. On the subject of things I can't stand, I mean, I was going to say what's that in reference to, but that's generally all we talk about. It's crept into news and sports programmes over the last few years. It's the phrase, we'll keep you across that story. I imagine researchers lounging across desks, mobile phone in hand, shouting and generally being a pain.

What's wrong with we'll keep you updated? That'd be a nice friend for you, Ian Borrett from Winchester. I'm all right with that. I don't want a bit of variety. Don't keep saying updated forever. I think keeping across a story, it feels like an Americanism, but I don't care. Adding words where words may not be needed. Now, this is extraordinarily exciting news.

Okay. Yes. Because we have heard from the Liberty Lady. You and Pierre went into liberties Yes A couple of weeks ago With a mission And you bought a hat

Do you recall? I bought a hat and some sunglasses So that's one of those parlor games Yeah I bought a hat and some sunglasses and an apple No, I'm going into international terrorism And I just hadn't got the outfit Miss Carla Burrell has got in touch

Oh yes, good name. And she says, I am the Liberty Lady. Well, the one who I asked if she had the same respect for a... Voucher holder. Voucher holder or someone who'd gone in there because they wanted to actually go in the shop by choice rather than being forced in there by a friend. Miss Carla Burrell continues,

Frank looks wonderful in the hat I sold him. Oh. I like I sold him. She was lovely, actually, Carla. That's what my caller was. Calm down, dear. So lovely to meet you the other day, Frank. Oh, I really like her.

It was a very fun moment in a busy day. I think Frank looks wonderful in the hat I sold him is a sentence that reveals its motivation as it ends. I love it. It's quite proprietorial as well, which I enjoy. I like it though. She was very nice and I like hearing someone from an anecdote. It's an interesting story. In fact, I've just had a text

from a rook who says that I stole his pigeon. Oh, I haven't. That I made up. Do you remember last week, only last week... Well... Bank?

Vaguely. OK, that's all for now. Do you remember last week? I was quite intrigued to know what old-fashioned sunglasses looked like. Oh, yeah, how early they came about and all that we talked about. And then we had a fabulous revelation about the Emperor Nero. And his emerald-looking glass in the arena. So he would watch, he would sit in, let's say, the Coliseum.

Roge or thereabouts. Oh, I hope you're going to get a seat in that. I imagine there's a director's box. Maybe off to the side, like at Wembley or something. Yeah, what... Thereabouts. Oh, I hope you're going to get a seat than that. I imagine there's a director's box. Yeah. Maybe off to the side, like at Wembley or something. Yes, yeah. Perhaps with a little hospitality area, or Cafe Nero, as he called it.

And then, if it was sunny... I prefer Cafe Aristotle. If it was... If you've ever been to that Cafe Claudius. So, anyway, if it was... If you've ever been to that Café Claudius. So anyway, if it was sunny, he would take out a specially cut emerald and watch the games through that, through green-tinted gemstone. Well, we've heard further on this, haven't we?

And perhaps, I feel this is Pierre's area. Just because it involves, you know, it involves big brains. And objects of antiquity. I'd like to think that that's my area. Dear Frank and team. Where are you on the vintage Gouda league table? If it's not been unearthed from a barrow

I've got no time for it Of course you like it that vintage Dear Frankenteam which I quite like as a sort of Frankenstein Yes, Frankenteam is great That's whose job it is to maintain the monster and sew bits back on the Frankenteam sort of pit stop to sort of maintain the monster and sew bits back on, the Franken-team.

Yeah. Sort of pit stop aspects. Oh, we certainly maintain the monster. With Igor in some sort of administrative role. Yes, clipboard. Like Formula One. Yeah, exactly. The Franken-team.

Quick, quick. Sewing on a new leg or whatever. Dear Franken-team, further to last week's droll banter on the topic of emerald sun specks. I love this person. Damning phrasing from Mark. Further to last week's droll banter on the topic of emerald sun specks.

I thought the following link to a Sotheby's sale might interest you. I told you we shouldn't have had Noel Coward as a guest last week. It's like the woman in the WC film. She says to her husband, if you and your friend want to continue sharing rib-hole stories. Anyway, back to Mark and the draw banter. Yes.

Mark informs us of a Sotheby's sale, maybe for the next voucher. It is a pair of Mughal spectacles set with emerald lenses in diamond-mounted frames from circa 17th century India, frames 19th century, so there's been some work done. So it's a pair of solid emerald lenses. I'm not ready to talk about that yet. A pair of solid emerald lenses set in golden diamond frames for a 17th century Mughal ruler.

And he had a reading pair cut too from a single 200 carat diamond. What is a Mughal ruler? Mughal? Yeah. You'd say, I noticed you suffer the G slightly. Mughal, yeah, there's a little H after it. I don't know what it is. Well, what is it?

The Mughal Empire was a sort of northern Indian empire. It started in, I think, Kashmir or Uzbekistan and then moved into northern India in the 1600s. I mean, I love this. There's a Lee Harwood poem in which he talks about a Mughal miniature, which is a small, ornate sort of piece of writing.

Oh, like a little bit of calligraphy. No, it'd be like, almost like, it could be a book. All right, you two. Swallowed a dictionary this morning, have you? Yeah, you asked.

I did ask it. I'm genuinely fascinated. I love this. Anyway, Mark says by way of summing up, serious bling. Oh. I'd like to see, even though I wouldn't actually buy, I don't think, but I would like to see.

Because they did like their finery. They looked very Elton John, I feel. Sort of thing he would have gone for. Oh, yeah. With a shell suit. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was just talking about how I can't stand it when celebrities bring their families in, involved in things.

And then my family arrived. Yes, furious. And they're now sitting in the adjoining room, looking at me as if i was a a moray eel in an aquarium fair i'm happy with that yeah move on well i haven't said what my birthday presents was by the way can i say I have a gold-backed bird? I don't know what species would we think that was. Well, Kath will know,

because she knows her rooks from her crows. Yeah, Kath might identify that as a rook. It's got too much white on it. What would you say, Pierre? You know about facts. Anyway, what you do with it before Pierre comes in, you press its head down, and a tray opens with toothpicks in

and the bird hands me a toothpick, or beaks me a toothpick. Yes. It's a brilliant present. That's present number one. I'll filter them through the next however long. Just to get you posted. Louisa in North Somerset, who describes herself as a regular reader,

occasional emailer. Aren't we all there? Yeah. Morning, Frank, Emily and Pierre. I just wanted to join the many readers who are wishing Frank a very happy birthday. Lovely. You mentioned that Frank is an Aquarian.

I'm also an Aquarian. My father once bought me a bookmark that read, You mentioned that Frank is an Aquarian. I'm also an Aquarian. My father once bought me a bookmark that read, The Aquarian is inventive, original and highly unconventional. Don't let this person borrow money. Best wishes, Louisa and Lord Sunset. Wow. Bit of a sting in the tail.

They could have made that more of a compliment sandwich, couldn't they? Rather than suddenly dropping that in at the end. Bit of a non sequ the tail. They could have made that more of a compliment sandwich, couldn't they? Well, also... Rather than suddenly dropping that in at the end. It's a bit of a non sequitur as well. It's all these lovely things, and then they end with a slightly troubling warning. I was scoffing a fortune cookie as part of my Chinese Lunar New Year celebrations. Of course. And

it said, I was excited to read my fortune, it said be more cautious with your financial arrangements. Really? And I thought, who writes these? The bank. Yeah. I realised I was actually

I'd picked up a bank stamp from where's me false teeth but that bookmark reads like the person who is an Aquarius was in the room and left just before the final sentence very inventive

original don't let them the money it's an aside on a book part. Yes, yeah, very Shakespearean. So anyway, we haven't talked about anything that's happening in the modern world. We just talked about me. I would say it's fair to say it's not happening in the modern world. No.

Well, we have got a story that you can relate to, which I think we should discuss. Okay. I appreciate there are commitments we need to make with breaks and music. Oh, sorry, I missed that. It's really gone. My family arriving has utterly thrown me. Has it thrown you, dear? Yeah, well, they're looking at me from the other side.

And as I've said to you, I don't look at any text, because I like to think everything I say is funny. Seems that that is not the case. Oh, do you think they're not laughing enough? No, I haven't seen them any text because I like to think everything I say is funny. Seems that that is not the case. Oh, do you think they're not laughing enough? No, I haven't seen them laugh at all yet. Only with scorn. Oh, for God's sake. What about when you just complained about your family who are here

not laughing enough through the glass? It's quite strange. Well, I think about any kind of family gathering, I always go away and think, well, that didn't go that well. Do you? Or even like a lunch or something? If I get in a lift for two floors with a group of strangers and don't get one laugh,

I feel like maybe this is the beginning of the end. It's an illness. You're eternally gigging. I am am really. What were you saying about Frankenstein? Maintaining the monster. Speaking of which, I had a dream this week. Now, I know Emily doesn't like people talking about their dreams,

but I had a dream. It's worse than hearing their problems. And I was in a dark house, and at the top of the stairs, there was like a scary looking figure and when I got up there it was Dracula

and when I woke up I thought Dracula! Is that the best honestly the best my subconscious can do the most one dark threatening figure

you could have in a dream. If I was genuinely lost in a terrifying house and saw a sort of a shadowy figure and then they moved into the light and it was Dracula, I would laugh in Dracula's face. Oh, I was frightened.

It's just Dracula. I was honestly, I was a little bit ashamed of myself. I thought, I'm a creative. That's how I describe myself. And this is what I come up with. That is embarrassing. The Dracula in your dream. Can I ask which Dracula?

Because there are obviously various kinds. There's the cartoon Dracula. Please, God, it wasn't that one. Was it Nosferatu or was it very much a sort of Halloween costume on the internet? Or was it Count Dracula? Yes. It was very much right-wing Dracula. Do you know what I mean?

Do you know what that means? Yeah. He was a snooker player. I mean, black hair pointed back with a widow's peak. Operatic. And a cloak and all that. Did the hair look like it was dyed with the shade Clairolo 1 Raven? Yes.

OK. But it wasn't like that Gary Oldman Dracula, and it wasn't an unusual... No, classic Dracula. It was Dracula. As you say, you'd go to a fancy dress party. Yes. My God, you're the smiffiest Dracula.

It was absolute rubbish, route one, default Dracula, nightmare figure. What was he up to? He was just standing there. What was he up to? I think when I saw him, I was so dismayed, I wouldn't have been bothered if he'd killed me. I thought, if this is all I've got left in my imagination,

take me, Dracula. So that was that. imagination. Take me, Dracula. So, that was that. I've got further questions regarding your Dracula dream. Oh, my God. I've laid myself bare. I've said I'm ashamed of the lack of

inventiveness okay there's just a few other details I'd like to get straight okay did Diamante clasp

yes yes okay that small sort of some MBE like thing on a ribbon yes that he wears so it implies

that he sort of won it in some kind of transylvanian war I think it's part of his count his count paraphernalia yeah count paraphernalia.

Count paraphernalia is a very good Italian cousin, friend of his who comes over now. And a really cluttered house too. Cluttered palazzo. And he wears it in the middle. It's a sort of Tory MP brooch in a way, female MP brooch, but it's clasped in the middle. But it's the cloak I'd like to get some extra detail on.

Was it a sort of, was it satin? Well, you're asking, it was a dream, remember? And I didn't say give us a twirl when I saw him. You know, I, oh no, fashion's important. It was very, it was very shadowy up there at the top of the imagined stairs. Spooky stairs. Yeah. But were his hands in sort of...

Oh, look, I just want to know, Milad, if the accused's hands... I don't know if you've ever tried taking a screenshot of a dream. It will come, it will come, it will surely come. I just want to know if his hands were in the sort of bleh position. No, I don't think he... I'm not sure he knew I was there. I think I... You were sneaking up on him. Dracula was discovered at the top of the stairs.

He was just hanging about up there. I don't know what he was doing. Was he just going to this bathroom or something? Yes, he'd forgotten why he'd gone upstairs. Yeah, perhaps he lost his keys. He lost his attic keys. What did I come up here for? Oh, who's that?

Every time. People are still dreaming about me? I'm flattered. Who is this loser? That's where his hands were. He was doing the L sign on his forehead. Do you think he'd have his teeth fixed now, Dracula? That's the shame of it, you see. The vampires, you can't

see them coming. They'd all get veneers these days. Well, Guillermo del Toro said the reason he was drawn towards Pinocchio was that he was one of those figures, he said, and he listed them.

I think he listed batman frankenstein uh i think that might have been it and pinocchio's people if you haven't read the book you still know quite a bit about them yes yeah that's what he said and did he also say and also some very root one people dream about yeah he did the thought wouldn't have crossed his creative mind that that still went on. He would have scoffed if you'd pitched it. He probably only has collaborative dreams, which the art department give him ideas,

the stuff he can dream about. Oh, yes, OK. So, it's been a lovely birthday so far. Who would have think at 66 I'd still be this funny? You didn't mention your other presents. I didn't mention my other presents. No, we haven't got time. Emily got me a fabulous framed...

Thank you. One of the things was a framed photograph of Elvis Presley arriving at a road accident because he used to listen to police radio in Graceland and then he had a police badge so he'd turn up and inspect the crash scene and lovely picture of him in a full length leather jacket just walking around in the dark if only he'd been at the top of the stairs. Yeah. Anyway, so thank you so much for listening.

Thanks for all your lovely messages, by the way, on my birthday. That's very, very kind of you. All the best to St. Thomas Aquinas.

I hope he has a great day. He was quite a, quite an eater. Was he? He was. Enormous. Anyway, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now, get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.