The Frank Skinner Show - Vintage Ski

Episode Date: February 20, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has had his vaccine and had an issue with flowers on Valentine’s Day. The team also discuss snow angels, oven gloves and whimsical things children have shouted out during a Shakespearian performance.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We'd love you to do one or all of those things because interaction in 2021 is everything wouldn't you say so guys well you say guys there's only one of us in the actual room with you frank yeah we've got al down the line uh down the line which i i quite like because i was really hoping i would be in his dressing gown but he tells me he's in a tracksuit which is I like down the line it's very what sort of Mike Reid would have said on

Swap Shop in the 80s. Exactly. You got you down the line Ian Botham? It is or a football phoning of some kind it feels a bit like that. I hope it'll be better than that. I've been listening to football phonings for I would say

50 years and I've never heard anyone football phone-ins for I would say 50 years and I've never heard anyone who's phoned in say anything that has added to my treasure chest of football knowledge and insight. I feel very exhausted after I listen to them, everyone gets angry

I'm feeling I've set the bar too low for myself now. No, no, it's going to be alright I remember a bloke, I used to listen to the BRMB,'s going to be alright I remember a bloke I used to listen to the BRMB the Birmingham one quite a lot and a bloke went mad about the fact

that Andy Gray the Villa player was playing so well and still not being picked for England and the bloke let him go on for about three minutes

before he said he's Scottish Paul very cruel you know nearly an off rope nearly an off enough rope nearly yes enough rope and then it was difficult time so i wasn't um we didn't have a a live show last week and i know some people uh texted and um went online some people went online with their concerns. Went on the interweb. Oh, please don't say that. We did have loads of people

asking, Frank. Why is there no Tommy Ward? Why is there no podcast this week? I was looking forward to the show. Lou Boyce, I've been panicking that the creaks had risen. I trust all is well. Well, alright, Wardy.

I'll put you right basically what happened was last friday i had got recommissioned series two no yes and i've been i've been having some mood meetings with itv i don't know if itv have mood meetings i think they probably consider that a bit fancy yeah I think they mainly talk about where the Toblerone ad fits but anyway um so I I went I got um I got the call for my vaccine vaccination yeah which I know um is something that only old people get. But anyway, I got that. So I went along to a... Well, it was a basketball court in North London. Was it? Where they'd set up a few cubicles.

Yeah. I'd hear something about it. There was an element of... There was a lovely British team spirit about the whole... There was lots of volunteers there. And they'd say, go to that lady over there and she'll tell you where to sit and stuff. And this lady was waving an actual flag.

Now, none of the others had flags. And I thought, oh, God bless this woman. She's bought in her own flag to be easier noticed. I imagine there was a lot of lovely pensioners uh volunteers wearing uh t-shirts over shirts that's what i'm hoping um it wasn't the sort of it wasn't uh they had um what did i think they might have been doing that yeah they didn't have like nylon wigs and shaking no i'm thinking more more Tory councillor at a jumble sale. Oh, that's a good image. That's very good.

I've got it completely wrong. I'd pictured them all in basketball singlets ready for the jab in their arm. No, they weren't. The volunteers, it really made... It was like London 2012, again. I really felt like people who were, you know, we're doing our bit. And then I found out this morning that Faye, our assistant producer,

is one of those. Not in my bit of London, but she's a volunteer as well. Oh, I must ask her about her flag. Unfortunately, this woman went for the American Confederate flag, which... Problematic. Yeah, you could tell people they wanted to broach the subject but they couldn't quite work out how to bring it up,

what with her being a volunteer as well. So there is more to this story and I'll give it you after this. But, you know, I love to share. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I haven't told you what I bought. I drove a 1960s mourner's car. You know, not actually a hearse, but a mourner's car,

which belonged to a friend of mine, a comic called Malcolm Hardy. And he had me as his driver. I think he was banned from driving or he just wanted to get drunk and i drove it around london and up to birmingham and wherever a few times for him and i think she purchased that mourners car faber oh that would make sense this is the show with the facts which i always think is important so look so i've looked up i'm at the uh basketball court i'm ready for me jab now i'd been to my chiropodist that very week and he'd had his jab and he said to me my left arm was completely dead for two days after i had him and i thought, that's quite handy because I'm going hawking this weekend. And my gauntlet is at the dry cleaners.

And so it can just land on the bare flesh this week. So I love it when things work out. So anyway, I went there and the woman, when she did my jab, she went, she didn't even ask. She went straight for the woman, when she did my jab, she went, she didn't even ask, she went straight for the left arm. So I think she just, she must have perhaps seen me right in the form or something. Yeah. And just thought right hand. Maybe that Albert Pierpoint, the former executioner thing of being able to shake hands with a convicted murderer and guess his weight to within a couple of pounds.

Maybe she had that kind of thing going on. Who knows? Shout out to Albert Pierpoint's relative who listens to our show. Oh yeah, who used to get in touch with us now and again. Randolph, I believe. Yeah, I mean we haven't heard from her for very long. Don't leave us hanging.

So anyway, so when I got there, I thought it'd be me and a lot of very, very old people. In fact, I thought it'd be me and a lot of very, very old people. In fact, I thought it'd just be a lot of old people. There was some quite young, pretty young women sitting there. Yeah, but no offence, but it's all relative. I mean, what do you consider young now? No, but I mean, I mean, like, you know, people in their 30s.

And I'm thinking, you know, are these people who've got, like, contacts with the council? You know, like when I was... I think it might be that they have stuff going on that you don't know about. Maybe. But, I mean, when I was a youth, there were people who got on the bins, which was the dream job, to get on the bins, because you were finished by 11 o'clock in the morning. Oh, yeah.

And it was always a bit suspicious that, you know, their uncle Paul knew someone at the council house. Yes. Anyway, so I went in and I had me jab. And I remember the woman said, are you all right with plasters? And I thought, oh, is that a thing now? Have you heard of that? Plasterology? I you heard of that? Plasterology?

I've heard of people who... No, but it's... Sorry, Al. Over to our caller down the line. Go on, Al. No, no, not at all. I was going to say, it's the sort of thing that gets in the stories about people having to wear safety goggles for conkers

and now, you know, we've got people that are allergic to plasters. I can believe it's a thing I've never I've never heard of it I mean I if I have a jab I want a little round plaster on the top of it you know I never normally know what used a circular plaster for any other purpose so I had that and what about corns no no I get those sliced off. Anyway, let's not go. Yeah, I know. 8.18 on Absolute Radio. So, forgive me if you've heard a lot of I've had my vaccine anecdotes just lately,

because there's about 16 million anecdotes out there at the moment. But I... Well, can I interject? I do apologize, but Sally from Surrey has just said, just to set Frank's mind at rest on the jab age front, I'm 48 and off to get my jab at 8.40. Yeah, well, my sister-in-law's been called in at 48. So now I think it's, I think it was a tombola at the centre of it.

But that's all right. But anyway, it's a bit chilly and minus. I feel like the first two or three come anyway, it's a bit chilly and minus. I feel like the first two or three come out and it's interesting and then it's anyway what else is on. But I'm getting to why I missed the show last week

and I'll tell you that after this baby. I've had phase one of the Oxford AstraZeneca vaccine. It's in there. Oh, excellent. And I think I might be a bit... I've been a bit funnier this week than ever. I don't know.

What if it turned out that the Oxford AstraZeneca made people a bit funnier? God, what a great service. Literally a booster jab on whatever you needed approved. Exactly, whatever your main skill is. And then you could go up to someone and say, have you not had your jab? Yeah.

Sick burn. Yeah, I'd just be me standing on straight corners telling jokes to pensioners and the vulnerable. Sort of. Actually, that's my gigs. It's not my gigs I like, anyway. We've got a bit of. Actually, that's my gait. It's not my gait I like. We've got a bit of an update, actually, on the plaster question. Oh, yes.

Are you all right with plasters? Sorry, what was the number? Yes, Frank245 has said, Frank, the problem with plasters is usually the latex in the glue. My sister has a latex allergy and it can be very serious, but latex-free plasters are readily available. Oh. Well, I wasn't off.

To quote Frank Skinner, who knew? Who knew that? Like, is that the difference? You know the sort of, I remember when the waterproof plaster came out and it was quite a big, it was a headline story. Because before that, they were made out of some sort of cloth. I have. Oh, my God, yeah.

Hold on. That was during the Peasants' Revolt. It was, yeah. I said to what, Tyler? I said to what? He said, I was saying there's new plaster stuff coming out. Cloth? Plasters?

Absolute Cloth, which is the name of I think our new channel on Absolute. I don't know what Absolute Cloth would be. It does sound quite middle ages. They play music from the 13th century.

Perhaps it's all very emotional music as in touching. Sorry. Anyway. So I got home and I was quite excited I'd had my vaccination and

then I started feeling a bit hot and turns out there are side effects. So I had a temperature and I had a headache. And so that's why I wasn't here last week. I was 24, I was fine, but it was a bad time and I shouldn't have had it on a Friday. My bad.

But I tell you something, I woke up the next morning, so I didn't set the alarm. Sarah said, don't come in, you sound terrible. And I said, that's never stopped me before. Yeah. And I didn't set the alarm on a Saturday morning, which is quite a big thing. And this, I woke up, and the first thing I did was put the test match on, England playing in India.

And there was people, there was spectators at the Test match. And I thought, oh, my God, how long have I been asleep? Absolutely terrified. So the only other side effect, which lasted a couple of days, was when I was a kid, I used to put coins in my mouth because pockets were unreliable in those days. And I used to, and the taste of coins, I could, I could, I had that for a couple of days. Oh, metallic taste you had.

Yeah, but specifically of pre-decimal currency. That's how I'd describe it, which is lovely for the pensioners, taking one a little stroll back. But, so phase one, I'm done. And I said to the woman, I touched my mask and said, so I can chuck this now, can I? And she didn't get the joke. Just trying to be light-hearted, you know,

in a medical context, always a good thing. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. you know in a medical context it was a good thing yes we heard from the nether regions well we've had we've been discussing masters I'm pretending that didn't happen now Rebecca Hall from Bristol Rebecca Hall from Bristol yeah has got in touch my friend is very allergic to metal other than gold. Wow.

Is that why they're getting rid of the statues? Oh, that's what they all say. Oh, sorry, I'm allergic to any metal other than gold. Yeah, we all know that old excuse. Darling. There's metal in plasters. What are you talking about, Willis?

Is there really? I always used to threaten that if she was mean, I'm liking the sound of Rebecca Hall, I'd write something rude on her forehead with plasters when she was sleeping. Goodness. Because the skin comes up in very small, red, itchy bumps. Oh, what I like is Rebecca's gone the extra mile with her unpleasantness.

A lot of people would have just put plasters on her. With Rebecca, even when she removes them, she's scarred. She's gone for the sun cream revenge. And then Rebecca also has a payoff, which makes me like her even more. Re-gold. She's put an asterisk. A great excuse for her wealthy aunt to buy her a gold watch for her 21st. Oh my goodness.

I feel we're in the midst of something here. A long rift. The brothers Karamazov. I hope Rebecca's friend isn't listening. No. I shouldn't think she'll be up this. She'll be having someone fanning

her with an enormous ostrich feather as she flicks through the tabloids reading about um kim kardashian yeah anyway i don't understand anything indeed probably lovely okay um we've had a we've had a missive in from the outside world that I'm not sure I understand and I'd like to run past you. If this is in Swedish, then I'm going to be really impressed. 371 has texted, This morning I said to my girlfriend, it's Frank in ten minutes. Without skipping a beat, she said, The inventor more interested in time?

I've never been so proud of her. Frank, over to our correspondent. Thank you so much, Alan Cocker. Over to our correspondent in the studio. It's Frank in 10 minutes. And she said, the inventor more interested in time. Do you understand that? I mean, I love it in that it sounds like a line from an avant-garde poem. Yeah, I love it like a haiku, but not a joke.

Do they talk like that all the time, these two? What a great pair they are. I love it, but I don't understand it. That's marriage for you. Aye, aye. Aye. I said aye. I said aye well

if you could send us the key to that conversation I'd love to because it sounds the fact that he was pleased with it he's got it yeah do you think some part of it was telepathic which has not been included in the message

I assumed it was a Doctor Who reference Alan obviously you know I watched a good episode which has not been included in the message. I assumed it was a Doctor Who reference, Al, and obviously, you know... Ooh, I watched a good episode of that. You're married with a family and that's not your area. What did you watch, Al, just out of... Do you want to have this chat off air or on? No.

It's up to you. I want to have it on, eh? Just tell me I'm wrong. It was a David Tennant one set in historical France. It was really good. Was there some horrible, frightening, metallic puppets in it? Because if so, that could be any episode. No.

Yeah, yeah, he travelled with us. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. he travelled with us. We've had an answer on the joke that we didn't understand. Oh, good. 371 has texted, oh, actually,

maybe I should recap the actual joke. Yeah, I'd quite like to hear it again. Oh, now I've lost it. I think it bears repetition. Do you want me to, do you want me to move on and you can come back with it? No, I found it.

This morning I said to my girlfriend, it's Frank in ten minutes. Without skipping a beat, she said, the inventor more interested in time. I've never been so proud of her. So we were puzzling, and now 371 has replied as in frankenstein well it was a monster of a pun for us and then he's more interested in time frankenstein

instead of frankenstein he's called franken time frank in 10 minutes oh frank in 10 minutes so he's more interested in time it was i mean i'll tell you what i like about it i don't know how long you two have been together um but it's it's a it suggests 371 that early stage when there's everything that they say which i love it of course what i find I find, the fact that you're boyfriend and girlfriend, I find strange is that you bumped into each other so early in the morning. How could that have happened? But no, I think that's lovely that you're on the same wavelength. I suggest that you commit to a long and vibrant relationship together.

Because I'll tell you you something you can have the very beautiful the very clever the very kind but you can't beat a good audience when it comes to sorting your partners out wow i i went for the challenge i went i can i can get i can win these over eventually. Still at it. Anyway, speaking of love, it was Valentine's Day last Sunday, as some of you may be aware. And so I did what I always do. I ordered a dozen red roses for my partner. Yes, you're very good on that front, aren't you? Yeah, I'm a fan of the dozen red roses.

I think every uh event like that should just have one set present oh yeah um i also got a a very uh obscure electronic music magazine um but that we won't go into that anyway so so the red roses, I went into Flora. She was fine with it. And I went into Flora, and the red roses were, sure enough, delivered on Saturday. Right. And without the card.

Oh, no. Have you called your personal assistant? Well, I mean, at first first my thought was, you know, oh, that's terrible, they brought them on the wrong day and they haven't brought the card. And then my second thought was, what if these aren't mine? What if these are another dozen red roses? What if they're intended for David Baddiel?

Well, yeah, it's possible. Unlikely. Anyway, I was very confused by it and a bit upset. I mean, I found myself thinking, what's the story into Flory? What's the story into Flory? Wouldn't you like to? And everyone at home is singing that now. So then, about three hours hours later another man turned up and he said um

i've come to apologize and he was holding the the card from the flowers on this you know it comes on a long stick he was holding the stick with the card on it and he he said, I've come, he said, the driver, he said, the stupid driver. I thought, all right, all right, all right. He said, the stupid driver forgot the card and brought the flowers on the wrong day. I said, I'm terribly sorry. And I said, well, you know, don't worry about it. I was a bit upset, but I was so happy

that he'd come and brought me the card the next day actual valentine's day yeah knock at the door into flora and the original driver the og open brackets inverted comma stupid uh close inverted uh commas close brackets my, his words, not mine, arrived with a dozen red tulips, a helium-filled heart-shaped balloon that said, I love you, and a chocolate heart, and a card from Interflora apologising for their mistake. So Interflora got better stuff than you. Yeah, in a way, yeah.

I thought they'd pushed about. But remember I was talking on the show before about people who complained. Someone I knew who'd had a jar, a tin of sausages and beans and there was only one sausage, so they resented the use of the plural. Yeah.

And they'd written to the company and got 24 tins of sausages and beans and I said I wonder if that still happens I feel now I'm in the 24 tins of sausages and beans

category with this oh I was so pleased love is in the air every side and every sound this is Frank Skinner this is

Absolute Radio this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on... I've got too much saliva. Hold it. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram,

at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website, your other option. I'll tell you what happened. I've got some chocolate raisins on the way and since I've thought about it, my mouth is actually physically watering with anticipation. They are one of the best things.

I'm sorry you're missing out on those, Al, although waste it on me, as you know, because, you know, they don't... Shall we say they don't agree with me and leave it there? Yeah, let's leave it there. I have the mouth-watering thing when I think of lime pickle. You know, the... Oh, really?

Curry side... Oh, my God. It's a pickle. Ow, my mouth just watered when you said that. It's great, isn't it? I've taken to having it on things like chicken sandwiches and stuff like that You haven't I have

It works great I love it Yeah, a little sense of the east When you're having a chicken sandwich A bit more domestic There's no harm in that Something different Of course, I still maintain that nobody outside of an Indian restaurant

Can make a nice papadum Oh yeah You get the sort of glazed with fat Nobody outside of an Indian restaurant can make a nice papadum. Oh, yeah. You get the sort of glazed with fat when people make them. I've been to people's houses and they say, no, I'm doing curry tonight. I've never made papadums. And there's tiny little like, you know when you walk across a beach

when the tide has withdrawn and looking for little crabs and things. There's like that, there's little pools of fat sitting in the indentations. Terrible. Whereas dry as a bone in an Indian restaurant. Something very joyful, though, about the condiment outside of context. Mint jelly. Just some mint jelly.

I'll tell you something I've started doing in later life is putting mint sauce on anything I damn well fancy. So I'll put mint sauce on chicken or anything. Yeah. Brilliant. Brilliant. Mint sauce can turn the nastiest of things into a nice meal. Well, I know you're not a fan of vegetables,

but here's a little top tip. You're not either. Well, I don't mind vegetables. Salad, I don't like. Go on, top tip Alan Cochran. I wish we'd got a jingle for this. Hold on, what about this? In the midst of Cochran.

I see what you're saying. Go on, here it comes. Top tip, and a genuinely good way of getting children to eat some side salad, is cherry tomatoes, cherry tomatoes chopped up, cucumber chopped up, stir in some mint sauce. Delicious. Goodness. Lovely.

That is the worst thing I ever heard Wow, that's I didn't see that coming That's left field there Al's culinary tip That's left field from the young Mancunian I love a left field culinary Who's neither young nor Mancunian

I know, but we don't let those details bother us Frank, there's something I would like to discuss with you. Oh, go on then. Al, there's something I'd also like to discuss with you. Well, I think we've got it all set up, considering the three of us are on a radio show. Good. Did you get a copy of Heat magazine this week, Alan Cochran?

No, I didn't mind late. Oh, well, I did. And when I was reading through Heat's secret crush, I turned, my attention turned to number 25, and it said this. He wakes us up every Saturday on his Absolute Radio Brexford show, which is almost as good as him waking us up in real life

with breakfast in bed. One can dream. Dot, dot, dot. Frank Skinner is Heat's secret crush number 25. I mean, it's... How many are in the total number? 26. It's just, I don't know, Barry Hearn behind me or something.

I'm shocked by this, and I don't say that in modesty. I'm just saying it's not my area, Allure. Oh, I see. My area is Allure. What did Kath say? Just on the east coast of Hawaii. Was Kath pleased? She said it to me.

She could hardly get it out for laughter. She said it to me with so much scorn based on the fact that it wouldn't bother me at all. But, I mean, let's not go over the top now. There's so much scorn based on the fact that it wouldn't bother me at all. But, I mean, let's not go over the top now. But it doesn't, I don't care about the physicals, really. But, I mean, it's nice. You were just below Boris Johnson.

What a night that was. I wouldn't be the first. Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett above or below? Below Rob Beckett. Below Bill Bailey. What? Oh, well, he's very current.

So that's fair enough. So there's a few, yeah, there's a few left fielders in there. I mean, you know, I'm not saying I'm not pleased. Will something arrive in the post, some sort of certification? Yeah. We'll see. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Will something arrive in the post, some sort of certification? Yeah. We'll see. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Now, there's a story. You'll be aware of Dr Samuel Johnson, the 18th century moralist, who, when he was at Oxford, was asked why he'd missed a tutorial and he said, I was sliding in Christchurch Meadow. And I took advantage of what would well be the last snow of the year to go sledging. Oh, lovely. You to go sledging. Oh, lovely.

You mean actual sledging, not just shouting at cricketers? No, no, I didn't do any of that. No, we actually got the sledge out because we've had the same sledge throughout my son's life. The sledge comes out when there's a bit of snow

we don't get that much in London I'll tell you outsider guys anyway what we didn't have was what they used to call the right kind of snow oh yes it's a bit powdery and what I really need at this point

is an Inuit thesaurus yeah I don't know if there is such a... Is the one in the absolute bookcase? Maybe not. Because it was always said, wasn't it, traditionally, that the Inuits have 50 words for snow? Yes. Is this true, then?

Well, as I understand it, and I'm not an Inuit scholar, although I did pilot a Radio 4 show about their culture called Just an Inuit. But I think they're like the Germans, linguistically, in that they're like a big compound word. You know how the Obergruppenführer springs to mind, but I'm sure there compound word. Oh, yes. You know how the Obergruppenführer springs to mind, but I'm sure there are many. Oh, yes.

And so they will say things like fine powdery snow, but they'll be separate words, but they'll put it all together. So that's why I think it probably sounds like I've got a lot of words. It's just like... But anyway, so I went up on the... Me and my son went on the slope, a nearby slope. Lovely. And there were adults there on their own sledging. Respect.

Well, yes, my initial thought was respect for their, you know, champion their individuality. But I thought to myself, I wouldn't put them on my babysitter list. Yeah. Do you know that sort of, that terrible mix of good on you for being here on your own? Yes. Weirdo. Yes, I know what you mean. That juxtaposition.

Yes. A lot of people snowboarding in the proper clothes and stuff. It reminds me, Frank, of when I saw an elderly man in quite brief shorts on the waltzer on his own. And I thought the waltzer is a strange ride to go. I mean, it was a bit odd going on your own. I just think... It's a pity because I love the fact that people can do that.

But maybe what the waltzer is, that's where you should draw the line. Yeah, I'd say... Especially in shorts. Any activity in short shorts is perilous, but a waltzer, surely. It's how Argentina won the World Cup in 1978 in those shorts.

I will never know. I mean, it was almost like they were being slightly raised onto Tito by just wearing them. I admired the sentiment behind it. It was exuberant. It was actually a pride,

I saw this. There was a festival, there was a sort of... And I thought there was something lovely about it, but there was something also... I just felt it's not a decision I would have made. No.

OK. No, I agree with that. I find it's a bit like... You know when you look at a newspaper online nowadays and you find an article that's interesting, you read about 20 lines of it and then it says, to read more, subscribe to. I find that with the lower buttock in that,

on the 1978 Argentina team, that you get the first paragraph of the buttock and then it's roughly taken away from you. Who'd have thought we'd have got here from snow? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I'm on my sledge I've looked up and there's all these people snowboarding people who I imagine make short advertising

films those sort of people snowboarding but I was on my sledge with my son and it's basically it's sort of we had one great run where we we spent some time in midair and that's when you know your sledging's going well when you leave the ground and you're actually in midair for a second tell me ala jones told

me all about it oh it's like being on Anyway, it disintegrated under us on about the eighth and ninth run. I mean, it just tore apart. The sledge? The sledge. Oh! What was it made of? It's a plastic sledge. Oh.

We've had it for years, but we were pushing it. There wasn't really enough snow on the hard icy ground to justify it and he just couldn't handle it and boss who's had that he's hot as long as he can remember we've had that fret that sledge he turned to me looking distraught and he said we've had lots of fun on that sledge and i I thought, oh, God. And when they don't have pets, this is how you teach them about loss. Yes. Yeah, so that was the end of that.

It was terrifying. It literally sort of ripped in half underneath us. You see, we always went wood on the sledging. Oh, yeah. But, you know, I'd rather it was on the slope than in the ocean. That's how I feel about the plastic. Yes.

Yeah. Maybe Buzz could take a leaf out of Marie Kondo's book and just thank it for its service to him for putting it in the bin. Well, I'd say to somebody, he wouldn't let me bin it. We had to take it home shattered as it was. He wanted to give it a proper Viking burial. Well, I think it's like, you know, not when people used to have their grandparents

living at home with them. It's like that. It was lovely. I've already replaced it. I'll be straight. It's something one doesn't tend to do with their grandparents. I've already bought a new one. On the off chance we have a cold snap.

It's a good shout, I think. You never know. A few weeks ago, in fact, it might even be months ago, you ran one of your obscure text-ins, what surprise things do you have on your wall? I completely forgot that in one room of our house we have a vintage wooden ski attached to our wall. Damn.

When you say vintage, could you put a here on it? No, I don't think I could. Okay. Maybe 1950s or 60s or 70s or something like that. I mean, I'm not a ski connoisseur. It's more carefree then. I thought skiing would be a more carefree activity, as everything was.

You've never had it so good, as Harold Macmillan said. Oh, yeah. They just have a little cigarette going down the slopes. Oh, always a cigarette. Yeah. For me, the 50s will always be a family having dinner at Bottling's, sitting round a table having chips and that at dinner, and then Uncle Geoff swimming past,

when you could see the swimming pool through the wall in the dining thing. Oh, man, what life they lived then. What life they lived! And even the children were smoking at that meal. Oh, man, what life they lived then. What life they lived. And even the children were smoking at that meal. Oh, God. But simpler times. We'll come back to this. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Someone has pointed out, before we return to the slopes, Bilbo Bakewell had a good showing in Heat's Secret Crush. Absolute Radio, in fact, did. Oh, did they? Because Frank at 25 and real Dysonator, Matt Dyson, who's one of our radio show colleagues, in at number two.

Yes, that was mentioned once or twice on The Breakfast Show, I noticed. Oh, was it? Yeah, they were very, very pleased about that. Anyone else from Manford must be in there. Was Manford in there? Do we know? We'll find out. I can't believe it. I'm sure his people will let us know. If we return to the slums... We are his people. I can't believe it. I'm sure his people will let us know. If we return to the slopes...

We are his people. I'm sorry, Al. We did actually hear from the... I don't normally get involved in the tweets, but it was brought to my attention that Dr Alice Blackwell... Ah, yes. ..who I think might be a friend of Frank's and possibly a friend of the show by Dint,

tweeted the show with a photograph of a snowman, but not a snowman of any kind, a Lewis Chessman snowman. Yes, well, I've got that photo because she sent it. It's great. She emailed it to me as well. She made that. She made a Lewis Chessman. The Lewis Chessman, for those of you who are new to the show,

She made a Lewis chessman. The Lewis chessmen, for those of you who are new to the show, they are a set of probably walrus tusk chessmen that were found. Now, part of them are in Edinburgh University. And they're Viking. Are there some in the British Museum? And some in the British Museum, yeah. And so I've in the British Museum? and some in the British Museum yeah and so I've seen the British Museum I always go and visit the Lewis Chessman

when I'm in the British Museum in fact I'm actually coincidentally this is a coincidence I'm wearing a Lewis Chessman t-shirt today as we speak when it comes to the British Museum you're something of a stage door Johnny

I am a little bit as I believe it used to be called I am but anyway I heard from Dr Alice Blackwell, who works at Edinburgh. I don't know if you remember, but when I was at the Edinburgh Festival,

she approached me in a restaurant and said, I know you like the Lewis Chessmen. Do you want to come and see our ones? So I went backstage. Heard some invitations in my time. Yeah, indeed. But I didn't know she was also a sculptor. And then she sends me

a photo of this fabulous Louis Chessman snowman that she's done. She's gone for one of the berserkers. They're the ones that are biting the top to their shield. Oh, yes, because I like the queens, obviously.

The queens that look faintly depressed. Yes, they do. they look bored they look like the men are talking i thought they captured me in my essence somehow they they are brilliant the queen the berserk there was the real people berserkers who um threw a mixture of alcohol and um gen general frenzy by the time a battle started they were like the tasmanian devil cartoon they were absolutely wild and uncontrollable and they just pushed them into the enemy and let them go mad hence they're biting their shields with uh just fury and and and all that but it is brilliant so we've put it on our social media, I believe.

And check it out. It's such a great idea. I wish she'd done the whole set. The next bit of snow, let's see how many of our listeners can assemble. Or what else could you make them out of? Oh. Angel Delight?

No. No, you're probably right Frank, you were referencing Butlins earlier I was, yeah And Kev Cameron has got in touch and has enjoyed your memory because he obviously recalls

going to Skegness every year when he was a kid My 84-year- old mother still has some cutlery in the drawer spoons with butlins engraved that was a good uh theft wasn't it because now they've that feels really cool what else was a good thing on 8 12 15 did any of his relatives um swim past while they were doing that? I'd love to know. Actually, Kev Cameron has reminded me of something. This is a bit whatever happened to. Yeah.

Sort of cutlery as memorabilia. Like everyone had a spoon or something in the drawer which had something on it, engraved on it, or was from somewhere. Yes. There used to be little aeroplane salt and pepper containers on Virgin Air, and a lot of those went missing, I think. Yeah, and let's not talk about the sleep suits.

I don't really see that as stealing, though. It's sort of collecting. Would you agree with that? Oh. Liberating. Yeah, OK. see that as stealing though it's sort of collecting would you agree with that al liberating okay i want to ask you something i was just going to say because you were while we're on the subject of snow did you see both of you the pictures of the snow angel i say the snow angel because i mean it was an epic sculpture this was this did you see it al yeah this artist he spent four hours creating this snow angel sculpture i have to say four it looks like it took longer it's it's a brilliant thing my son did a snow angel when we went on the

sledging thing there wasn't enough snow and he just created a few scratches on the floor but that one is like a statue it's unbelievable 10 foot wide you are oh sorry everyone on top of the well it's in the do you say Malvern? Yes Malvern yeah Malvern Hills that's your manor which is why I asked

it's not far from I remember going to see the Scottish play in Malvern now you're in my manor it was a matinee and lots of school parties there. And, you know, there's a dagger which I see before me. It's handle turned towards my hand.

That moment. They are there when Macbeth thinks he can see this dagger and he starts to hallucinate. And a kid behind me said, they should have had one on a string really quite loudly and it was one of those

performances when it was just Pat with kids and oh man but anyway it was I'm sure many of them have gone on to be Shakespeare scholars I would happily buy a book called Things Children Have Shouted Out at Shakespeare Plays because I once had a school trip and one of the kids shouted out

when Romeo drunk the poison, cheers, mate. If you've been at a Shakespeare performance where children have called anything out, let us know on 8.12.15. Whimsical Shakespearean audience remarks. Open brackets, junior, close brackets. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I think this morning's texting is things children have called out

during Shakespeare performances. It's been quiet so far. Well, we've had one. Oh, yeah? It's not specifically a child, but it is a Shakespeare heckle. So I think we'll let it in. OK, let's hear it. What does the vote say, Alan? Yeah, let's let it in. OK. And FS is cool with it. So let's go. Mr. B, not a child, but when performing for a touring Shakespeare company, can I say I love you already, Mr. B?

In a previous life in Litchfield, there was always a fella who sat in the front row following the script from a works of Shakespeare. I've seen people do that. As we performed. He would suddenly scramble about the pages whenever I'd fail to learn lines. Oh, that is terrible, isn't it? It's sort of just a prompt just turning up. Yeah.

Also difficult because most of them, there's some cutting involved in, like, you can't do the entire show all the time, can you? No, also, it reminds me of, I see people at cricket sometimes with a scorebook keeping the actual score themselves. I was in an amateur production of Romeo and Juliet, and the lad playing Tybalt, Simon, was quite athletic and gymnastic. He was a dancer. So it had quite a violent stabbing of Tybalt scene in it.

Spoiler alert for anybody that doesn't know the show. And on one night, I killed him and an old lady in the audience went, oh, there was no need for that. Which I think would have altered the course of the play if we hadn't done it. I think she probably, one night a week at Shakespeare, five nights a week at wrestling. That's how I would see her social life.

When I used to go to live wrestling, I was shocked. I saw an old woman remove a hat pin and just stick it in a wrestler's back when he was lying on the floor. I mean, another woman jumped up and put a cigarette out on a wrestler's back. Oh, that's not nice, is it? God, it was like, you know when the women

used to knit at the guillotine? It had that kind of feel to it. I suppose there was very little expression for oppressed women then. There wasn't really, you know, so that was how they did it. They put cigarettes out on male wrestlers yeah those were the days yeah uh one two three can i just say this is obviously something um because one two three it said on a school trip my friend cheered when

juliet swallowed the poison the audience chuckled. We were so proud of our peer. Excellent. Well, I saw The Merchant of Venice at Birmingham Repertory Theatre. Not the rep, the big one, but there's a smaller, older one called Birmingham Repertory Theatre. I think Olivier might have been in it. Lovely.

Not when I saw it. And I saw them do The Merchant of Venice, and at the end, the curtain came down when the guy was doing his closing speech. And it stopped. When they realised their mistake, they stopped at waist level. And he still had some more to do. So he did a lot of leg acting

knowing that his legs were visible it was really marvellous do you know I love that actor

he's such a pro well he wasn't he was an amateur in every aspect but I did

respect him for really trying to rescue what was already he'd also heftily

kicked a hair piece that had fallen off Porsche sometime earlier, as if we might not notice those who watched. Oh, it's an endless source of... I think I'll write a play

about Shakespeare, a play I've been done. That's a good idea. Yeah. I'll get on... I'll wait till the end of the show. Frank Skimmerner Absolute Radio can we return to Ed Elliot the sculptor

the snow sculptor oh snow sculptor Ed so it's ten foot snow angel yeah he used a a small knife

and have you seen this thing it's an absolute masterpiece there are pictures of it available it's probably a bit frustrating us talking about it although one thing I would say I don't know what you boys think

it felt how can I put this it felt very testosterone-y this angel, I see angels as quite sort of flighty not of this earth they're certainly flighty

this was no Tinkerbell this angel I mean it looked like Ross Kemp with wings yes well I like the butch angel look I don't know if you've seen I've heard that online Yes. Well, I like the butch angel look. That's what I've heard. I don't know if you've seen that. I read that online.

Have you seen Wim Wenders' Wings of Desire? The angels in that are quite sturdy. In fact, it turns out, and I don't want to despise us, but I do suppose you'll be racing off to your blockbusters to get this out. No, because the last one closed in 1983. It turns out that Peter Falk, not acting, but Peter Falk, Peter Falk, we discover, is an angel. That's something we didn't know.

The actual Peter Falk? The actual Peter Falk. One of the angels goes along to filming of Columbo and it transpires that Peter Falk is an angel in real life yeah, who knew I hear you say I think that might be up there with as big a spoiler as

Romeo killing Tybalt we've been bad this morning, I'd better avoid I'd better avoid WandaVision, have you seen WandaVision? No Do you know it's on Disney I'd better avoid WandaVision. Have you seen WandaVision? No. Do you know... It's on Disney+.

I'm probably not allowed to mention Disney+, because I believe Jason Manford's show is sponsored by it, so that probably means I need to keep my nose out of his business. But I love WandaVision. Can I tell you, it's the best. Is it? Oh, man. I really super recommend it to anyone.

It's so phenomenally... What is it, a cartoon? No. Oh, no. I think it's a sitcom with somebody with a funny face. Well, it is. Maybe it isn't. Oh, the mystery of it.

Yeah. It's about Wanda Maximoff from the Avengers and Vision from the Avengers, and they marry. Oh. Nope, no clearance. Of course it is. Well, you'd probably think... Are the Avengers Marvel people?

Yes. Oh, God. No, you're thinking that, but I think, Cath likes this as well, you don't have to be a superhero thing. If you stick with it, it is so brilliantly clever. Anyway. Okay. Where did we get to that?

I'm getting old, dear, to stick with it. And also, Netflix are putting the price up, so you won't be glad if Disney flossed away things again. Good point. Here's a question. What I love about the snow sculpture at Elliot and about all ice sculpture... Do you remember someone sent in to this show about three weeks ago?

I don't want to blow my own trumpet, not with my back. But somebody said... Sorry, Al. Somebody said, this is too good for throw away stuff, you should be writing some of this down, I can't remember what joke he'd referred to, I think it was the idea of having, when I

found out how big the nasal cavity was it was about celebrities having forever a straw stuck in their nose that they could pull down like an attic ladder for drug taking anyway what I like about the snow sculptor stuck in their nose that they could pull down like an attic ladder for drug taking. Anyway, what I like about the snow sculptor is the idea of its disposability, that someone puts their talent into that

and then it's gone. But I've got a question, which I think is quite a major, quite a major question, which I think will change the lives of a lot of people listening. I'll ask it after this Frank Skinner Absolute Radio

Here's my question about Ed Elliot The sculptor The sculptor I think for me the excitement of the snow sculpting is the throwaway element of it. You take Dr. Alice Blackwell, she's done that fantastic chess piece, knowing that she could get up the next morning and it's gone.

Yeah. And I think Ed prides himself on that. But he's taken very nice photographs of his snow angel. Once you've taken photographs of it, have you destroyed that, destroyed the throwaway art element? I see. This is almost like if a tree falls and no-one hears it question, isn't it? No.

No, no. For goodness sake, what's the frequency, Kenneth? Well, it's I would agree with you in the all attachment is misery sense. Yes, it's still absolute radio. It's a very Buddhist thing that he's done. He's allowed to commemorate the moment at which he created it and he's allowed it to dissolve and pass. Yeah, but once he's photographed it,

there's no dissolving anymore, really. I would just challenge one thing in the article I read, which said that he risked frostbite. And I thought, well, not hugely. He could have just gone in. It took him ten minutes. It's two hours. It's not, I may be some time.

It's not Sir Arnold Fiennes, is it? No. He could just go home and have a hot chocolate. Do you know Sir Arnold Fiennes? No, I'm not parking next to his house. Yes, well, you know, he's done a great job and it's a beautiful thing he does also say

as an artist and I always worry when people say anything with their profession and the words as an before it

I don't think I've ever said I'm about to say in inverted commas as a comedian in my life No As an actor is something

you hear quite a lot well the thing is as an actor right no what you get is i an actor well you know you love very often to be fair anyway it's a lovely it's a lovely thing and if we get any more snow i should be out there and i'll be i'm thinking smurf I really feel we must share some of these people shouting out during Shakespeare plays. Oh, yeah, I'm all for that. Not for the shouting out, but for the hearing about it. And it's specifically Shakespeare, we should say.

Oh, yeah. Chris Branch, I was performing A Midsummer Night's Dream at the Manchester Royal Exchange in 2012. I love it so far, Chris. And as Quince was casting the play within the play, a man let out an angry and frustrated yell of, more lies from the stalls. Wow.

Like he was hoping for something more factual at the theatre. Do you think he was making a point about the nature of theatre? The fact there was a play within a play, it was like a new layer of falsehood. The deception had gone too far for him. That's a great, that is a great heckle. We've also had... Or perhaps he'd...

Go on, Al. He'd just found out that his relationship was built on lies and then went to the theatre. Oh, more lies! Yeah, exactly. Ellis Crease has said, Death scene in Macbeth, impressive sword fight, collapse and die, child, I can see him breathing.

Oh, no. I mean, what do they expect, these people? Oh, no. I mean, what do they expect, these people? I tell you what, I said specifically Shakespeare as well. Because the formality of Shakespeare, to be shattered, there's something awful about it, but also something slightly brilliant.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Al, what's up? What's up? Obviously not much, because like everybody else, we've been staying in a bit. Staying in, going for a walk, that sort of stuff stuff But I'm a big fan of trying to control the controllables So I've been cooking Because that's a thing that you can have a go at yourself

Isn't it? Is this a thing that you did already Or something you've developed in I didn't do that much But I've started using recipes a bit more But to quote Frank Spencer I started using recipes a bit more but i've um to quote frank spencer i've been in a bit of trouble um i've had i've had a i've had a bit of equipment failure i uh oh i've i've been baking things not baking things but i put some stuff in the oven and then i got it out and

it was in um do you know like a sort of earthenware dish rather than a metal roasting tree. For the artisan. The artisan terracotta? More like a Le Creuset type. Yeah, that sort of... I don't know what that is. But you mean they're a sort of reddy orange. You do know the Le Creuset.

I've told you, it's that orange colour casserole dish. This one's a creamy colour and it may not be that particular brand. It might be a sort of a rip-off. I don't know, but it's possible. I suspect it is, yeah. Anyway,

I had some stuff in there. I don't know what it was. Wedges or a burger or whatever. And those trays get so hot. You said you were cooking. You said, yeah.

It's hard to this point sounding like I've been prancing out in the cooking of wedges. Well, I have also started making lasagnas properly. Whoa. Sounds like you're running a fast food cafe.

Life is a cold lasagna. I happened to be on the phone on hands-free, and I opened the oven, put the oven glove on, and lifted out the Le Creuset style tray. And I had oven glove equipment failure because as I was on the phone I just felt, it was just as

if I had put my hand on the tray with no glove on whatsoever I think I burnt every bit of fingerprint off my thumb thumbprint, what is the term and I couldn't yell because I was on the phone. So I just had to sort of brave it out.

And you'd think that would... No, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't understand. Is it the gaping shark glove? Is that all your favour? Or did you go alligator? It's actually a cloth oven glove, but very thick. Like, they work on all the other oven trays that we've got.

I don't understand. How did that happen? Me neither. It was very confusing, and I was furious and in pain, and you'd think that would be the end of it, but it happened to me again this week. It's twice. With the same oven glove? With the same oven glove. You want to get shot of that glove?

Could it be any chance that it could be a tea towel you're using? It does make me wonder because it is the ultimate you only had one job the oven glove exactly it's not a boxing glove it's not a ski glove i have used them i have used them as impromptu saddlebags when i was a kid i find it very impressive nay confusing when you say i couldn't scream because I was on the phone. Yeah. Like that's ever stopped me.

Well, it depends who you're on the phone to, really. Yeah, it was my manager. I don't want him here. No, no, not again. Give him a day off, Al, from the screaming. Well, I don't understand. Have you investigated the oven gloves? I think it's the tray gets so hot,

that's the only conclusion I can come up with. No, but surely an oven glove, you should be able to pick up a glowing ingot. Where did you get that oven glove, Al? Good question. I'm just saying, is anything above 99p in the store you got it from? I just want to check.

No, well, it's, if anyone's listening, don't. Check your oven gloves. That's, I think, the moral of this. Don't buy them from the pound shop. Well, I think you could probably wear two pairs. Yeah. That's a good idea. shop. Well, I think you could probably wear two pairs. Yeah. That's a good idea.

Yeah, why not? Or you could just fold the one pair and take it out one-handed. It's hard, isn't it? It is. So hard cooking. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Sorry, we were just talking about John Daniel, who I'd completely forgotten existed, but apparently he was a chimpanzee. He was a chimpanzee and he was called John Daniel. There was pictures of him, wasn't there, with people? He was... He lived at Eton or something like that. He drank tea, he went to school, he was very humanised, he was very cruel.

Anyway, the reason we're on the subject... 1918. The reason we're on the subject of John Daniel is I had a fantastic letter from Roxy Elgar, who lives in Inverness. who lives in Inverness and she... This is difficult because we don't read our praise but she's very nice about the show indeed. And she knows all the in-jokes.

She knows more of the in-jokes on the show than I know and she's done an illustration which we'll put on our social media which she's done a drawing of all the different things on the show, like who's in the so-and-so chair and et cetera. It's absolutely brilliant. It is brilliant. It's great.

Well done. It's almost like a mind map of this show or something, isn't it? It's exactly that. And she's 18, Roxy, but she's still written a letter congratulations on that and uh oh she makes cakes as well if you want if you're living in inverness in incidentally or in the area cakesbyrocks.co.uk you can get yourself a fancy if her cakes are anything like her artwork i imagine they're absolutely amazing. So it's really nice to hear from you, and thanks for all the lovely things you say.

And good luck to Moony as well, who's a dog, who I think she met at a mass wedding. So well done, well done done Roxy Elgar what else? well we've had all sorts of our readers getting in touch regarding

I'm calling them Shakespeare heckles oh yeah yeah Theresa Fortune my mum went to a matinee to see Simon Caddell play Hamlet in Birmingham I saw Simon Cadell play Hamlet in Birmingham. I saw Simon Cadell play

Hamlet in Birmingham. Did you? Well, I bet you didn't do... Did you? No, I was just saying that Frank is saying snap. Oh, I thought you were as well. Obviously some schoolboy took the opportunity to shout out Heidi, hi! Yeah, of course. At the beginning of his first

soliloquy. Yes. Oh beginning of his first soliloquy. Yes. Oh, I like the soliloquy. Yeah, me too. I didn't say soliloquy. He was very good. Simon Caddell, I should say, played the sort of,

the manager of Mapling's holiday camp. Yeah. Geoffrey. Very good. I think. Was it Geoffrey? I've got an idea. Ruth Maddock was...

I always remember Kath, my partner, telling me that she only had two crushes when she was a child, one on Richard Bryars and one on Ruth Maddock. Richard Bryars? Oh. I think Richard Sullivan. A lot of people say Ruth Maddock

when I tell them that, but not you. You're all right with that. We've had some other good Shakespeare ones. Oh, yeah? Oh, I'm a big fan of the 666 one. Oh, go on. During a performance of Richard III at Alexandra Palace,

a man shouted, Why are you laughing? It's not psychologically true. What? Until he was removed by security. That's from Sally Vanderpump. Oh, I know her. She's lovely.

Hello. Do you? Yeah, I know who she is. Do you? Oh, I fancy that. Was she part of Vanderpump Generator, the band? No. Not everything's connected to a weird band.

Well. Let's see, shall we? Name something. Come on. I'll tell you what I would like to end with. Go on. During a performance of a Midsummer Night's Dream at Ipswich's Civic Hall, my four-year-old daughter shouted out

at an over-enthusiastic Nick Bottom, who was playing the main role of Pyramus at the time, a calm down, Bottom. This isn't really a heckle, it's a note. It's actually a note, like a director might give. Oh, dear. I enjoyed these enormously. Did you see my bottom in Regent's Park

seriously? no not seriously let's move on thank you so much for listening to us today a thank you for everyone who's contributed with some fabulous stuff from our readers and of course from Roxy Elgar who sent the fab

a drawing which we've put on our social media, of what the show is in many ways. So look, if the good Lord spares us and the Greeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get in. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.