The Frank Skinner Show - Wasps in Windows

Episode Date: March 14, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank had a Dad joke fall on stony ground and had a question for his PA about washing up liquid. The team also discuss Crufts and Tim Key popped in with his Poetical Playing Cards.

Hello, this is Frank Skinner. Look, I'm going back on the road again. I know, I know, with my show, uh, showbiz. I've finished the London thing and I just want to go back to the places that we didn't do on the national tour and places that sold out like super quick. Um, witnesses, that's what I'm after. Anyway, look, if you fancy coming to see me, I thought I'd let you know that there's a, there's a, you know, I've never typed in one of these in my life, but I'm going to do it for you. There's an address. It's www.absoluteradio.co.uk slash tickets. It's like one of those proper things. And if you, if you type that in, you'll see where I'm playing and when and all the possible details you could need. I'd love to see you.

And who knows, you might even like to see me. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Yes, we've all made it. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram

at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning, my lovely colleagues. Can I say, you are people who I love and respect. I want you to remember that. You've changed. What's gone on? I'm 63.

I'm planning. I'm planning. You've been watching a lot of the news. Don't say that. I spoke to David I'm planning. You've been watching a lot of the news. Don't say that. I'm planning. I spoke to David Baddiel on the phone. Ringing all his friends. And he said to me, just to say goodbye,

and he said, apparently they're talking about stopping public gatherings of more than 500. I said, your tour will be safe. We've still got it. He laughed. He laughed. Oh, dear. So, yeah, these are strange.

I feel slightly like I'm reaching for the violin as Rome burns, but we have to carry on. During World War II, did we not write songs about Hitler? I didn't. But people did. They did. That's our role as the jester. I remember this morning's texting.

Wine gums. Do they contain wine? 8, 12, 15. I was at an event. What? I know. What were you thinking? Grab him while you can.

I was queuing at a gentleman's convenience. Oh, yes. There was two parallel queues. There was females queuing for their thing. It was a traditional. Sounds a bit old school. Yes, a traditional separate toilet thing. And so I was talking to a woman who was in the parallel queue.

Oh, yeah. And I'm always at my most articulate in a toilet queue based on the theory that David Cameron had, that if you really need a wee, it makes you a bit more dynamic in public speaking. It really does. It gives you that extra edge, Frank. Yeah, so she said to me, have you got any sort of dad jokes?

She said, because I'm a school teacher and I tell jokes to the kids, you know, those sort of jokes. And I should have said no. That's what I should have done. If you're a professional comic in that kind of context you should say I don't really know any of those jokes but of course I thought I'll do it and by then this bloke had joined in

oh yeah I'd like to be your one and I thought I've got an audience here and they were all very articulate and dynamic so they all needed a week and so I did that joke, which I'm sure you've heard before, but I thought the children might not have. My children.

And, well, I'll tell you the joke and then I'll give you the post-joke analysis. Okay. I'm looking forward to that more. I'm not going to lie. Well, you'll know the joke. Interesting, Al, because that's the bit I'm dreading most. So a man goes into a pet shop and says,

I'd like to buy a wasp, please. And the pet shop owner says, what are you talking about? We don't sell wasps. And he says, well, there's one in the window. Now, I told that. I didn't laugh. I do quite like it.

It got nothing. Your reaction was what it got from both these people. I didn't laugh. I do quite like it. It got nothing. Your reaction was what it got from both these people. I'm so sorry, Frank. She said, oh. And then he said, and the bloke said, oh, that wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be. And I thought, is this it for me? Is this where my career ends?

In a portable toilet queue. And I felt it ruined my whole night for me. I woke up the next morning, it was the first thing that came to me. And then I thought, is this just a sell-by thing? When I thought about it, when's the last time I saw a wasp in a shop window? When's the last time, really, you bought any animals from a pet shop?

Yeah, they don't really... They don't sell them in the pet shops these days. They don't even have the smaller animals. They're not really allowed. You certainly don't have them in the window these days. No. You can buy your dogs here, kept in a cage. It's finally come round

to me that I'm too old for this job. But still, it's good that that's my main worry at the moment. Yeah. Can I just clarify this? Do you still get wasps in shop windows? 8, 12, 15. Why wouldn't you? That's your texting question of choice.

How would that have stopped? I'm not sure you wouldn't get... Which part of the joke were you worried that you told before the break? Maybe we should, just in case people have just woken up, who might have missed the first link... I'm not telling it again. Press rewind. So a man goes up to

the counter in a pet shop and says, I'd like to buy a wasp, please. And the pet shop guy says, we don't sell wasps. And he says, well, you've got one in the window. Yeah. I like it. I think it's a really good joke. It's a good joke. I know.

I think maybe it has died. I'm sorry to hear that. Well, I think it's partly really good joke. It's a good joke. I know. But I think maybe it has died. I'm sorry to hear that. Well, I think it's partly, as we were saying, it's the concept of displaying animals in the window. Yeah, maybe that has gone. I'm not sure. What a shame. I mean, that probably still works in China.

Oh, yeah, it certainly works in Korea. I just have to change the nature of the shop. I've had technology jokes go out of date. I used to do some fun observational stuff about the sat-nav falling off the window. You know, when you've stuck it on, and when it falls off, you jump out your skin. And it just stopped working.

Everybody started using phones, I think. It just stopped. It's terrible. One of the great jokes of all time, of course, I went out with a mermaid once, great figure, 36, 24 and three and six a pound. And I tried to convert that to decimal and it never worked. It never worked as well as three and six a pound.

Frank, this news just in, which might lighten your soul a bit, Frank, I just relayed your wasp joke to my wife. She burst out laughing and said, now I get that one. Oh, God, I needed her. I needed your wife in the toilet queue and I don't think I've ever said that before. You know, somebody said that.

Sure you have. So maybe your career isn't over. Sorry, Al. Thank you. Just a little more lowbrow, perhaps. Oh, how can you say that of your dear wife? Mr Evans. Who was that?

Richard Evans. Thank you, Richard. Anyway, you've made me feel a bit better about myself. He's in Market Bosworth. Is he really? Is he a football official? Usually. This has probably also gone out of date,

but a lot of football officials, if you look in the programme, come from places with two names, like Chip Ignorton. Chiddle Hume. Yeah, exactly. Aye, aye, aye. So, what else? Well, we've also had, oh yes, as 415 said, I saw one, this is a wasp, in a bakery window in the summer of 2019,

hovering over iced buns. There you go. So it's just evidence wasps do exist in the shop window context still. Can I tell you, I need to ask this. Sure. Are you saying I couldn't go into a pet shop and buy a pet? Yeah, pretty much. I never went in the window.

Pretty much. I'm sure the last... I went in one in Edinburgh, and I'm sure they had things like guinea pigs and rabbits and stuff in there. Possibly the smaller animals, but I think definitely cats and dogs, no, these days. I mean, we might get pet shops getting in touch. If I went into a pet shop...

Please correct us if we're wrong. ...and said, I want to buy that rabbit, I'm having a few friends around for lunch, would they still sell it to me? Oh, no, I don't think so. They wouldn't sell it. I don't think you could buy it saying that you were going to, you know, consume it. I don't think...

You'd have to go to a butcher's. She winds her own business. This is mine. That's my retail. Do you know what that reminds me of? A butcher will sell you a rabbit, though. That reminds me of my kleptomaniac great-grandmother, who would say, I used to nick from that shop, but they don't trust you like they used to.

This is essentially what you're saying. Ah, dear. So So remember this morning's texting. If I want to buy wine gums, what's a good year? I don't know if you've done this deliberately, but you've accidentally started in a texting about wasp jokes. 455 has suggested. I didn't know if you've done this deliberately, but you've accidentally started in a texting about wasp jokes.

Oh. 4-5-5 has suggested... I didn't even know it was a genre. Me neither, but let's see what you think. A customer walks into a pet shop and asks for a dozen bees. The pet shop owner gives him 13. The customer queries why, and the owner tells him it's a freebie. It's a freebie.

See, that would have gone down well with the children. It would have, actually. Matt, here all week in Redditch. I think he might mean he's there all week. Perhaps he's isolating. I don't know. I haven't been to Redditch for a long time. Oh, yesterday when I was young.

So many, many songs were waiting to be sung. Pat Greenway has been in touch. Oh, yeah. Hi, Frank. My husband and I both laughed at your wasp joke, but we're in our 60s and remember Pet Shop. Oh, well, there you go. Blimey, I didn't realise it had dated so quickly.

They're Pet Shop men, those two. See, when I first started doing comedy... Oh, no, respect, Frank. No, yes, good. When I... Very grudging. When I... The grudging nature of that.

Yes, very good. When I first started doing comedy, everyone would used to talk about old age pensioners going on about the war. Right. And now, of course, old age pensioners

talk about Slade and stuff like that. So you've got to keep... Tis was in pet shops. You've got to keep updating. That's the facts. Eddie Rushworth says, maybe it's time to let it be.

Be? Oh, that took me a while to get. Eddie. Here's the thing I did this week. What do you make of that? I can show you the photograph. It picks or it didn't happen. I'll show you the picture. We can always

put it up on the... You guys can describe it. You can do what they used to call in the West Bromwich Albion programme, pen pictures. Which are pictures which are just verbal. I'm going to show you a picture that I sent to my personal assistant and I'm going to see if you can get...

How is Lynn? What if it's down to earth-relatable stories? Yeah, see if you can get to the bottom of that. So it's a bottle of... Are we allowed to name the product? I think we are. A bottle of Fairy Liquid. Is it a particular flavour, is that...? No, well, I don't know if it is.

It's on a shopping board. I was in on my own. Yeah. Kath was out for the day. I sent this picture to my PA. I sent it, and the text said, is this washing up liquid? That's where we are now in my life.

I couldn't see anything on it that said it was washing up liquid. Does fairy liquid not advertise itself anymore? Clean and care, I mean, that is very vague. Were you worried that fairy had perhaps started branching out into other areas? I thought it might be some sort of hand sanitiser thing, obviously, which on the black market now I could get probably 200 quid for that.

You know what? I'm going to let you have that one. Yeah? I think that's okay. In the same way, there are certain products like Daz, for example. Are they branched out, or is it just the washing powder? I'm going to send the picture to our... What will it go to?

We'll put it on Instagram. Instagram. I'm going to put it on Instagram. Can you believe it? And if anyone can tell me tough on grease, gentle on hands, I mean, that could mean... That could mean anything. I like how

literal you are, that you want it to say washing up liquid on it. In an ideal world, I think you'd be wearing a jumper that said jumper on it and just a little label with jeans in the back. You know I'm a big fan of the name bad with profession underneath. I think we should

all wear one of those all the time. Have you sent it? Brace yourselves for that white-hot social media content. I mean, I just... Very liquid pictures. I just tell me... I just want the people to tell me how I'm supposed to know that's why she's not liquid. That's what I want, before anyone can do...

Most people don't use Instagram for those reasons, but... But why do they use it? Good question. Why? 8, 12, 15. Well, I like that you're using it for those reasons. But why do they use it? Good question. Why? 8, 12, 15. Well, I like that you're using it for those reasons. And it's not a picture of you with a bottle of Cristal in the Marbella Beach Club. Yeah, exactly.

Saying, living my best life. I don't want any of that. This is why I love you. I don't want any of that rubbish. Yes, I said love. Oh, Logan in London agrees with you. Fairy does make gels for washing machines too. I agree with you. Thank you

Logan. Thank you Logan. This will run and run. Oh. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Griff has said on your Fairy Liquid

issue. Yeah. We should say actually you shared with us during the break the exchange between you and your PA over the fairy liquid. Do you want to tell us what you said? I sent the picture and said, is this definitely washing up liquid or is it just hand wash? She wrote back, it's definitely washing up liquid. I wrote back, I know that seems like a strange question,

but there's nothing on the bottle that says it's washing up liquid. She wrote back. I know that seems like a strange question, but there's nothing on the bottle that says it's washing up liquid. She wrote back, it does look confusing. I think that's reasonable. Can you imagine what she said after she sent that? She probably turned to someone and went, I mean, come on. I've never had a pee over.

Is that sort of a typical exchange? Is that... If there is a typical exchange i'd say um every one of those texts has got a kiss on the end and that is the two years ago she emailed me and said um i've decided i'm going to start putting kisses on the end of my um correspondence with you on email and text i think the world of you, Kath and Boss, and this seems to make sense to me. Oh, that's so lovely. Yeah, okay.

I kept it. I red-flagged it in case I had to prove anything to Kath. It's always a good thing. Yeah. Is there any... Don't worry, I've got stuff. Oh, I tell you. I was walking down...

I was walking through Covent Garden in London. Yes. And who should I say to my tremendous excitement but Gilbert and George. Oh, excellent. You know, walking in the right order and everything. They were doing the Ant and Dec? Yeah, Gilbert on the left.

And I was really, I was very excited. And I went, and you know, often I would walk past, because they don't know me from, they don't know me. They don't know that. They do know you. You thought the Queen didn't know you. And I went up to them and I said, Gilbert and George, as if, you know, as a heading, as a topic heading.

I said, Gilbert and George, I said, I went to your exhibition, the Tate Modern, and it was, I told them about their exhibition and stuff and how much I enjoyed it. And he said, that was 100 years ago. Excellent. And I said, that was great. I just want to say, I just love the whole, you know, the thing.

Brilliant. And at the end of it, George said, thank you for telling us. Oh, that's nice. They went into Rule's restaurant. Of course they did. It really excited me to see Gilbert and George. It's a bit like a work of art wandering about. Very much so, yeah.

And in Covent Garden, you'd expect it more Shoreditch, wouldn't you? Yes. I once saw... That's a great celestial. I saw Vivienne Westwood once at a bus stop. And I didn't have the courage to go up to her and speak. So, you know, I made up for that. There's a good programme on there. Can I just say

anyone's listening that they pass, say if you ever see me in the street I think not going up and speaking is a reasonable decision. Oh yeah you think that's fine? I don't feel bad about that if you want to that's also fine. There's a good interview with Vivienne Westwood on the BBC iPlayer that I recommend and there's a point

in it where she says I always say if in doubt dress up and I thought that's really a point in it where she says, I always say if in doubt, dress up. And I thought that's really powerful and then it was only later I thought well she's kind of got a vested interest in people thinking like that because she sells clothes. I like the use of the term vested interest.

A tartan vested interest. I love the idea of a vest being remotely connected with fashion. Can I say Frank I mean, I don't think there was any intent here, but we have tweeted, has Frank's wasp joke gone out of date? Now, I would say, come on, guys, you're slightly leading the witness there. Yeah, exactly. Because these people...

Bear in mind that we don't actually verify the wording on these things. No, I'm just saying we've had some... We've got backroom boys doing the wording, so don't... You know, come the Judgment Day... It's the actual band for the backroom. Come the Judgment Day, I don't want St Peter reading any of our tweets. No. It's nothing to do with me.

The reason I shared that was to say what's been rather lovely is that we've had a lot of support as a result for the joke. That shows how many old people we have listening to the show. Well, grab them while you can. Coffee Monster. Hello Coffee Monster. What's Coffee Monster? That's a person.

Sorry, I thought you were talking to me. I don't even like coffee. It's a weird nickname for you nickname picture of you and Garfield need coffee that's something I will not be sending to my PA need coffee kiss

we've had a lot of responses haven't we Al you can contact us via instagram by the way frank we should let people know they know that don't think i've announced you did i've announced it but yes they yes in regard to we're also on um i think we're on bootstrap are we just thinking about our social media yeah flat pack yeah no that's just you for your S&M community friends. Bingo, we're on. That's my favourite.

So we posted a picture of Frank's washing up liquid. And Frank had the poser, is this washing up liquid? Yeah, I didn't want to wash up with it if it was hand lotion. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Well, we were suggesting that you were sort of overly reliant on the product name on the branding in a sense you were investing in the branding assuming everything fairy related was washing up liquid um and as samita says they're the madonna

of cleaning products the name is all the explanation that's needed fairy equals washing up liquid is Is that right? But that suggests that fairy don't do anything else. Didn't someone else send in and said they did a... Yeah, well... Or the lotions, or the liquids. Mm. A lady called...

Well, I mean, she calls herself this, so I think it's OK to say it. OK. Um... I'm on edge. Yeah, me too. OK. I mean, I'm OK with it. Go on I'm on edge. Yeah, me too. Okay. I mean, I'm okay with it.

Go on, go on then. She calls herself Fat Bird, 1970. Okay. Oh, okay. I mean, that's her choice. Yeah. She says if it washes hands, it can probably be exchanged

for a four-bedroomed house on eBay by next week. Oh. Look after it. Good point. FB. FB. FB! Oh, I know.

Yeah, I'm there. Yes. Well, anyway, I think the point has been made that it wasn't demonstrably, definitely... Well, many people are saying that the label has a picture of hands on it instead of a picture of plates or dishes or, you know, cleaning. Yeah, because... It's got hands.

You know, it's already happened to me that yesterday a woman I know said, it's ruining my hands, all this hand washing we're having to do. Already people are mouthing... Oh, did they? People are mouthing about that. Oh. I will say this.

I think you're taking a photograph of it and sending that photograph to your peer is resourceful, but perhaps too resourceful than just squidging some of the liquid out and looking at it and deciding whether or not it's washing up liquid or moisturiser. Yeah, but you know,

I don't know, it could be emerald cream for all I know. I don't know what fare is up to nowadays. Preparation age. Yeah, but, you know, I don't know, it could be emerald cream for all I know. I don't know what fair is up to nowadays. Preparation H? Yeah, Preparation H. I love that. I love, just what a brilliant title that was. Can we clip just that bit

for the trailer? Preparation H? I know, H from sex. Preparation H, in case you don't know, was an emerald cream and their idea of being, giving you some privacy was to call it Preparation H, in case you don't know, was an emerald cream. And their idea of giving you some privacy was to call it Preparation H.

Could be H for a lot of things for all we know. Well, and H from Steps did use this, I believe. Did it? I don't know. I would have called the album Preparation H. Well, my first encounter with Preparation H, do we need to go to break now? Maybe we shouldn't go to...

Listen, it's okay. Just sit on that one. Was a makeup artist put it on my face? Oh, of course. It's like Botox, isn't it? The clue is that it sounds a bit like Botox. Famous make-up artist called Jackie Hamilton Smith, now married to, son of a doctor.

Can you guess who? Son of a doctor. Okay, one of the doctors. One of your favourites, I would say. I thought you meant an actual doctor. You mean a son of a doctor who? Yes. I thought you meant an actual doctor.

You mean a son of a Doctor Who? Yes. Is she married to the son of Tom Baker? No. Okay. Anyway, perhaps one of our readers knows, and they can text in, but... Can I say it was recommended to me by... She put it on my face and it worked wonders.

The light and very lovely Tara Palmer Tomkinson was the first one to tell me about Preparation H on the face. We're not recommending it here on Absolute Radio. I don't know. Mainly because they don't advertise with us so they can make their own arrangements. Don't forget this morning's phone in on 8.12.15. Can I get sparkling wine gums?

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8.12.15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Do it.

OK. Sorry, Al. 900 has said, Frank, has anyone ever told you that you are a dead ringer for the dad in the Spanish series Locked Up? No. But we do seem to collect lookalikes for you, so I felt like I should bring it to you.

It's odd, because I think of myself as very bland in appearance. Oh, don't. I don't mean that in a bad way. Come on. Just not distinctive. You're all right. What's it called? Spanish series Locked Up.

Locked Up. I'll look into it. Oh, yes, that is a good series. Mm-hm. Is it on English television? It's on Netflix. Oh, it's one of those. One of those?

Are they the people that send DVDs to your door? Used to be. Oh, yeah. I know you're all signed up now, Frank. You like a streaming service now. You finally understand them now. I. You like a streaming service now. You finally, you understand them now. I can remember explaining them to you about a year ago

and you really caught on. You loved it. Yeah, I still can't do cat locks on my iPhone, but I have now on Amazon thingy and on Netflix. That is me in the modern world. And I'm stopping in. I'll be stopping in quite a lot now, I think. I love the expression, stopping in.

Oh, yeah. What's that thing you told me, which I'd never heard before, which I really liked? You said, oh, me and my friends used to... Having a doss. Yes, dossing. Yeah, you want to come round our house tomorrow and have a doss. Yeah, and we used to...

Having a doss is literally doing nothing, but we used to still make arrangements for it. Yes. I see that as being quite teenage. There was the friend who had a pellet rifle, he used to say, why don't you come round my house, we can dispatch some wildlife. Right.

But I could never do that. It used to play on my mind at the very thought of it. Both, I should say, both Nugget and... I'm moving on. Both Nugget and Clive Silas have got in touch, two of our regulars, to confirm that the doctor whose son I was talking about, who was married to the makeup artist...

I did get this in the end. You did. But off air. And you said it was, Frank was married to the makeup artist. I did get this in the end. You did. But off air. And you said it was, Frank? Sean Pertwee. Very good. Alfred the butler from Gotham. Yes.

Oh, that's right. Do you know, when you imagine certain people, you imagine them wearing something. When I picture John Pertwee, his father, I think of him, I don't think of the doctor outfit. Pertwee, his father. I think of him, I don't think of the doctor outfit. I think of him in an award ceremony in a sort of blue velvet suit.

That's nice. Because he liked a ruffle shirt as well, didn't he? I'll say he did. I think he always wore a ruffle shirt, Frank, didn't he? Loved the ruffle shirt. Loved velvet. He used to, did I tell you this story before about his conversation with the stuntman? No.

He'd say to the stuntman, you know, his body double, be careful with that suit because I want to keep one of the suits. So he used to give the stuntman his suit to wear so that he could keep one suit and then take it home. So I think he had a lot of velvet. He had more velvet than John Coleshaw in his flat. And he's got a lot of velvet jackets. Was he a bit of what we call a bit of a Roger Moore

on the keeping the props front, keeping the clothes? I don't know about his social life. No? Oh, Frank. Yes, I think he did. I think he did. He kept a lot of the Doctor Who outfits. Also, Frank, read your joke earlier,

which was about a wasp in the window of a pet shop. No, it's not my joke. OK, you've gone a bit William Hartnell grumpy. Catherine Byrne has said, I told my partner the joke and he looked at me like I was a freak. Oh, wow. Well, that's what happened to me in the toilet queue. You'll get no sympathy from me.

Tough crowd. Anyway. Would we be okay to just have... I just want to go over to Dog World for a minute. Yeah, you know what? We need a break from human world. Well, we've had Doctor Who. Well, you've had your Doctor Who fun.

You haven't had your karate, but we'll get there. No. I'd like a bit of dogs this morning. Okay. Because I've been watching crafts. Can I say, though, John Pertwee did use... Oh, there we go. He did use Venusian karate.

Did he? Oh, did he? Yeah. Excellent. Well, let's bring K-9. See, all our worlds are looked after there. Yes. Although, was K-9... Was, all our worlds are looked after there. Yes. Although, was K-9, was Tom Baker?

Yes. Thank you. Are you proud that I know that? But he was, I've met the man who voiced K-9 on several occasions. That's nice of the children out there. And he's a bloke who'll do a little bit of K-9 if you lead him into it. Oh, absolutely. Do you know what I mean?

What was K-9's voice like? If you lead him into it. Very good. Is it a sort of Kit Knight Rider thing? Yes, master. Oh, absolutely. Do you know what I mean? What was K-9's voice like? If you lead him into it. Very good. Is it a sort of kit from Knight Rider thing? Yes, master. Oh, yes. It was like that. He does all the voices.

All the voices. I like that K-9 was very... What about Robert the Robot from Fireball XL5? On now I am. On now I am. I'll save that for the end of the show. I'm thinking I might have to drop if the good Lord Spaces.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I say that the producer just had a look at my phone and she couldn't get caps lock on either. Oh. I then had to go to my settings, and there was a long line of things that were all enabled, and the only one that wasn't was caps lock. Oh, that's strange.

I am a victim of a misplaced setting. I must have a word with my personal assistant about that. Very briefly, can I say thanks to the person that sent me an Alan key recently to the show? It was a couple of weeks ago. I don't know if we gave them their respect and here it is. I'm not sure why

they sent me it. I don't know, but they did. Is it Alan or Alum? Oh, it's an Alan key. It's not I-L-U-N, though. I think it's been changed to Hex key, hasn't it? People change the names of these things. Oh, do you know what I loved?

Still never used one. It's a tribute to the popular Wild West comic book character, John Hex. Yeah. OK. If you want. It's not really my area. You know what, Frank?

Do you ever have those moments when you I call it, it was sort of pragmatic joy I purchased online a radiator bleeding key and I thought, do you know what, I'm going to treat myself and I bought three they're only about £1.29 each

I know, we've discussed the bleeding of the radiators but I thought, isn't it interesting I thought of Alan, I thought when those keys came through in the bleeding of the radiators but I thought, isn't it interesting, I thought of Alan I thought when those keys came through in the post and the satisfaction when I inserted them in I thought who would understand this? I know the man

I think the reason I was sent this is that I've never bled a radiator never done it never bled a radiator in my life we've all got our roles haven't we I like the phrase pragmatic joy. Yes, me too. I like to think there's a woman who works at the local laundrette called that.

You know, pragmatic joy, big woman. Alan Bennett character. Yeah. Wouldn't it be a brilliant nickname for a local woman in a nylon overall? Oh, I would love that. I would love it. Can we go over to the Birmingham NEC? Why?

Where Crofts took place. Oh, I was invited to Crofts. Were you? I was. You can imagine my response. Oh, for goodness sake. You decided to eat blueberries during a tour. Do you want to say what's going on right now, Alan?

Yeah. Frank just picked up a tray of blueberries and poured some from the corner into his mouth. What a downer, isn't it? I know they're a superfood, but we're on the radio. The way you did it was like a character in a Bruegel painting.

Well, I thought you'd gone on to dogs, so I had ten seconds at least. True, Frank. So, did you go to Crofts? No. I didn't, but I wish I had because there was some absolute... I mean, I've got to be honest, if you didn't

watch it, Maisie, the Wirehead Dachshund, she won Best in Show. Best in Show. Best in Show. I've got to say, that was controversial for me. I love Maisie. Was it? I love her work.

But the Bichon Frise, Pablo. Bless you. I mean, proper. Yeah. And Frankie the Toy Poodle, who won the Reserve Best in Show. They don't say runner-up, which I like. They say Reserve Best in Show. Well, that's because they don't live that long.

The thoroughbreds. Right. It's good to have one just to get through the year for the personal appearances. I thought it was just that they thought the dogs might understand English. And if they say runner-up, then I thought they were really bashful about it.

Sorry, Al. But au contraire with regards to the miniature poodle, because it's a toy class. Now, the smaller the dog, generally, I'm not saying, because it's a toy class. Now, the smaller the dog, generally, I'm not saying always, it's a bit like with people, the small ones live longer. Is that right?

Do small ones live longer? What about Hitler? Yeah. So many things wrong. Always. So many things wrong with that question. I'm talking about natural causes. He comes up so many times.

I know, he's a... I'm not sure it was a case of he died peacefully at home. No, no. But, I mean, I love Crofts. I understand it's controversial. Is it controversial? I respect the reasons why. Oh, I don't know the reasons why.

Is he like Miss World? Yeah. A bit. I think because it's... With dogs. Yeah, it seems a bit different. In fact, why don't you get onto the Crofts advertising? Like Miss World with dogs. Yeah, it seems a different... In fact, why don't you get onto the Crofts advertising like Miss World with dogs?

No, but it can't be for those reasons. We're objectifying dogs. I think it's more the idea that we shouldn't be promoting purebred dogs. Oh, I see. It's effectively... Would you say that's the reason why? Yeah, I think so.'s effectively, it's, would you say that's the reason why? Yeah, I think so.

As a fellow dog owner. Yeah. Yeah, I think people think it's glamorising, the idea of breeds, and it's excluding. Do you think that all these worries and anxieties and angers that people have about things slightly seeming a bit less important this week. Oh yeah.

Even my own, I'm thinking, you know what, I'm staying alive if possible seems a bit more of a priority on the general. As 50 cent, it would say, in terms of percentages, 150 percent.

Oh yeah. I would agree with you. It's a tribute to Dick Fiddy of the BFI. TV expert. I seem to remember we had Steve Hall on here once and he spoke about Dick Fiddy for about 40 minutes. What did Dick Fiddy do? Dick Fiddy is sort of the boss

of television, I think, at BFI. He's very, very good. But he knows about Doctor Who. I would say he's absolute expertise. I mean, at BFI. He's very, very good. BFI, but he knows about Doctor Who. He knows about... I would say he's absolute expertise. I mean, he's got a lot. He's got a broad range of expertise, but his knowledge of the Avengers is startling.

Right, I'm pretty sure... I don't think 50 Cent would... I don't think he knows his work. I'll be honest, I don't know how we got here from Croft. That's what I'm saying. By the Avengers, I'm on about John Steed, Emma Peel, Cathy Gale. I'm not talking about Captain America, etc.

Oh, yeah. Just in case anyone's getting confused at home. I don't want anyone to get confused on my account. In fact, I don't want to do anything on my account, neither does Al. LAUGHTER meanwhile back at Crofts meanwhile over in Crofts and Claire Balding

I love Claire Balding she's great isn't she she's a very good choice for that show Peter Purvis he gives the rosette now Peter Pur purpose who used to uh be the editor of a magazine called uh i think it was peter purvis's i love dogs how was it how was it um but yeah so maisie former doctor who of course you sure it wasn't just a little woman former companion i love dogs he was he was. He was a Hartnell companion.

He wasn't. He was. He was Stephen. He wouldn't lie about such an important subject as this. I believe, Frank. I wonder what it was like. I wonder what sort of a companion William Hartnell was. I suspect he was quite... No, William Hartnell wasn't a companion.

No, I'm saying what sort of a companion he was in terms of an actual companion. Oh, right. Well. I think by the time Peter Purvis had arrived it started to get more and more difficult, which might have been down to illness, but there was like famous stories

of having to go as a director. Can you give me a point of illness please? Frank, I mean I don't know if you don't watch crofts do you i know but you know what i've been i have actually been to sort of uh uh local dog shows have you um i went to one um which actually as i I just thought of another Doctor Who connection. A woman called, now I'm worried I might have got her name wrong.

Emily's face lit up. She's called Damaris Hayman. Someone will help me with this. I think it's Damaris Hayman. Does that ring any bells? An actress. Okay. Who was in Doctor and she was the judge of one I saw in Cheltenham. And I don't mind those, you know, people bring in

15 people, local people bring in just any old mongrels and all sorts and you just pick the cute one. I'm alright with it. It's probably easier to be a judge on that than like an actual judge, like a human rights case or something like that.

That's much more complicated. Just picking a dog you like. That was really easy. I'd love to be. Imagine if I was a Crufts judge because I'd have to change my whole brand because they're always called... What I like is that the commentator talks about them

as if they're celebrities that we know. The judges. Coming across here, Joy Buckle. Right. Who needs no introduction. And you The, who needs no introduction. And you think, yes, she does. Yeah, she's no Craig Revel Horwood.

She's hard to predict, though. Pragmatic Joy. I think she's now. Oh, Pragmatic Joy. She, I find they do, they're often called Anne

and Kim and Pam. Oh, Kim, I'm surprised they've gone that far. No, Kim was the handler. They don't say owner. Anne and Pam. They don't say owner. They say handler.

So Kim was the handler of Maisie the Dachshund. Can anyone truly own another living creature? That's what Supervet said. Yeah. Supervet said that to me. Who said? Supervet. Oh, Supervet, okay. what super vet said uh yeah who said that said that to me who said super vet oh super vet okay did i tell you i saw a pet ambulance did i tell you this how lovely it says pet ambulance there was no sign of a light or siren of any kind i thought well that's that's tough isn't it

you think that late stage thing i think it's, well, we can't really justify getting people out of their way for an animal. Yeah. I thought it was a shock. Not my animal. I was shocked. Fair enough. I'd have to please God.

I once saw John Gray, the philosopher, interviewed by Will Self at the RSA. And John Gray argued that all the species are equal. Oh, yeah. Absolutely equal. Stupid argument. I would say that. Until I saw Maisie the Dachshund take a comfort break in the middle of the victory lap.

She soiled herself. She pooed. Yeah, I mean, I was surprised. I was surprised that this made the news because I just assumed that that happened with dogs pretty frequently. Well, it happened to me with Rear of the Year. I didn't actually deposit, but there was evidence of dilation. We pulled out just in time.

I mean, it was a close-run thing, I must say. Carol Smiley was actually physically heaving. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I mean, I don't want to overdo this, but are they teaching the dogs that perform in crufts to to hold it in are they literally waiting and then is there like a a queue at the toilets like a dog queue

human being jokes yeah exactly can i get a human being please one in the window um i i it's not part of the discipline it's already won by then so it's too late if that had happened mid-competition, would they lose points? Oh, good point. Well, it depends which brownie. Let's call it lose brownie points. Of course, when a dachshund does a poo, the weird thing is it looks like an action figure of the dachshund.

Sort of mini me. It depends. That's a very good question, Frank, because if you're in the utility group, depending on your group, I suppose, because, you know, I think there are seven groups in total. Okay. I think it goes... Gun dog.

Really small dog. Not as small, but yeah, up through to big dogs. One of them snappy dogs. You know, the names people have for dogs. That's the... Little angry dog. Lassie dog. Yeah.

That's the working group. Is it? Yeah. That's gone. Do they still say sausage dog? No, they're glad to say that. Oh, God. The vegans kicked off.

You can get vegan sausages in Greggs. I know. I love the way Frank says, oh, no. Well, Crofts has gone to hell in a handcart. Yeah. Can I say, I didn't know that there was such a thing as a Roth. Was it wirehead? Wirehead, actually.

I didn't know there was a wirehead. Oh, longhead, wirehead. But that seems to me to go against the very purpose of a Dachshund? I didn't know there was a wire-haired. Long-haired, wire-haired. But that seems to me to go against the very purpose of a Dachshund, which is the sort of, you know, it's sleek. What is the purpose? Well, it's like a land otter. Yes. Very sleek.

You feel you could get it through cat flaps comfortably and stuff like that. When they say wire-haired, I mean, it's not some sort of scouring brush of a dog, but it does have the sort of border collie... They're so sleek, the Dachshund. Well, not these ones. They're very coarse, Frank. Is it just that she hasn't gelled? Remember you in your blue period?

Well, this particular one is very coarse. Very. But what I like is the handlers... I mean, I would watch a show about them all of themselves. Well, of course, best of show is based on the whole comedy of these things. Anne, Pam and Kim, that's the hybrid woman who is the handler. Yeah. Trouser suits are more fashionable now,

but only ever a flesh-coloured tight, I've noticed. They don't like a black tight, a bit modern and goth, I think. That would be a good article, I bit modern and goth I think. Now that would be a good article I think, Dog Show Chic. Yes. Of what is what is. Gotta be careful saying it on the radio though. Yeah exactly. Of what is except what you'd

expect to be worn and definitely not. What are the yes's and no's of fashion at the dog show? There must be some silk scarves. Neck scarf, definitely. You know what? And what I loved is that Kim, who was the handler who won Best in Show, she had the trouser suit,

but she, and it's always a patent shoe, but then she had the dog brooch. Three dog brooches. They love a brooch. You see, these women, though. Astronaut hair. Astronaut's wife hair these yeah

these kind of women we're talking about I have to say I love them if there was a crisis yes not that there isn't but I mean

they they are the people you want they are so no nonsense practical yes if that dog

I bet I bet the poo thing didn't bother her I bet she didn't break her stride. She just picked it up. Do you know what she did, Al? Better hands. Do you know what she did, Kim?

Better hands. And she held it and did like a Groucho Marx. Walked with it like it was a cigar. I mean, I thought that was a bit disgusting. But they're country people. They've got a different attitude to these things than we have. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. Attitude to these things, and we have.

Good joke has come in. 740, Ian Angle. Emily, if you mislay that radiator device, do you say, where's that bleeding key? Oh. No, because I'm not an on-the-bosses character. You know why we all are. Yes, we are.

I'm full-court. I hate you. OK. You know, we were talking about crafts. What would improve it for me? Because I should say I love crafts. But I think it's very positive that they now have the... They do have an agility group round where any dog can enter. Hmm.

So, Lucky. You could have lucky in it and there's a sort of my dog can enter anywhere because she's uh don't get defensive she's like pure whippy she's she could proper but even if she was a mixture she could enter as you know in the high jump round is that what it is yeah agility. Well, there's a dog that goes off menu. He goes crazy wild. And he ended up, he's called Kratu I think he is. He's sort of the Eddie the Eagle Edwards of Crofts.

Is he like an ex-police dog or something? Pog. He's crossbreed. But I think they should have different categories, Frank. Just have most medieval-looking dog. Yeah. It's got to be greyhound. Fattest dog.

Dog that looks most like Richard Gere. Collie. The lassie dog is so Gere. Oh, yeah, yeah, I see that. I think that would be good. So do you think it's going to set a precedent, the lap of honour? Oh, I'm worried about that.

It's made me more excited about the result of the Labour leadership contest. I'm sure people have done that in a more covert way during the Comedy Awards. Oh, definitely, yeah. Well, I once heard David Gandy, who you're familiar with his work, Frank. I am. Oh, yeah. He told me once that he's a dog owner and lover, and he was in a fashion meeting, a very important fashion meeting.

Of course he was. He's a thoroughbred, if ever there was one. Indeed. Oh, DG. Oh, DG. I love a bit of DG. And he was sitting in the meeting and thought, God, it stinks in here. And he saw people looking at him

and then he thought, oh, I've got dog poo in my pocket, in a bag. And I said, the problem is, David, I said, is that, you know, your line of work, I don't know if you're aware of this, but one of his most famous campaigns involves him wearing pants in the Dolce & Gabbana at Haddon.

I mean, imagine Dolce & Gabbana. I said, I imagine them sitting around afterwards saying, I don't know, I mean, he's a lovely man, but he stinks now. But in the photos, that wouldn't really matter. No. But you don't want David Gandy's. I was walking... He's got to protect the brand.

I was walking back from 10 o'clock mass with my son last Sunday morning. Oh, is mass still on? Yeah. Oh, mass is still on, yeah. And I said, right, I think we'll see 10 dogs before we get home. How many do you mean? Well, that's a fun game. And he said, five.

I said, well, Sunday morning. Oh, yeah. I said, anything over 10, obviously I win. He said, well, anything under 8. I said, anything 8 and under, I win. I said, no, it's got to be 7.5. What if it's 7.5, then it's a draw. And he said, well, how can it be 7.5?

And then we walked down the road and we saw a bag of dog poo that someone had discarded. And he said, we could say that was a half, a half and then we walked down the road and we saw a bag of dog poo that someone had discarded and he said we could say that was a half a half a dog it was a part getting very intricate this counting great negotiating Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran text us on 81215 or follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Now, one thing I forgot to do, to be fair, the producer's supposed to tip me off for things like this, but, you know. Oh, yeah.

Is I forgot to trail our guest this morning. We only ever have, I think, five people who are allowed to be guests on the show. And I forgot to mention we've got one coming in. Allowed to be guests. So, yes. So, Tim Key is with us this morning. The rum on her neck

She wore a yellow ribbon She wore it in the springtime And in the month of May Hey, hey I think he thought that was going to be some Russian music. Yes, it should have been.

Well, I just think it's jolly. Yeah. And you're a jolly guy. How are you, Tim? Fine, thanks. Good. Morning.

That was a good interview. Yeah. That's not it. that's not it. I see you. No, no, that'd be terrible. Badil next week. Tim, you know who the other people are. Yeah, there's a small group. I'm not saying it won't be expanded,

but, you know. For now. At the moment, it's you, Alex Horne, Stephen Moffat, Neil Gaiman and David Badil. Yeah, I'll take that. That's it. I think, you know, I mean, it's going to be pretty hard to keep up that standard. I don't want to dilute. Yes. You've diluted a bit, haven't you?

It's a group where I wouldn't rely on any of those people to fix my car. No. Yeah. Who do you see as the dilution? Alex, maybe? Oh, that's harsh. Big star now. Yeah, he is, actually.

I mean, you know, I think you might say he's overtaken you. I don't want to be... Yeah, I think I might. This isn't your thought. It's certainly overtaken. He's overtaken me. I'm accepting. I knew it was going to go weird,

but I didn't think it was going to get personal. I'm accepting. No, I'm in the same boat. I mean, Alex is in a speedboat. Yeah. Alex, of course, is the mastermind behind Taskmaster. But Tim Key is in a speedboat yeah Alex of course is the mastermind behind Taskmaster but Tim Key

is in the studio well hang on a minute I'm the task consultant in Taskmaster but are you the mid-viewer to his comic relief to his Bob Geldof

comic relief yeah I thought so I can tell by those pointy sideburns my pointy sideburns there will be people listening to... This has been a horrible interview so far.

No, well, I'll tell you what, it's about to get... You're going to love the next section. Right. Because there'll be many people thinking, well, why on earth is Tim Key on here? What's he got to sell this time? Why do you keep squinting at your screen every time you say my name? You have to remind yourself.

I'll tell you why, because I'm trying to read I'm trying to read this. Oh, good. If you like playing cards and you like poetry if you like things that look nice and you like Tim Key then it may just be that we have found

The perfect thing for you A lovely deck of playing cards With poems on them too Tim Key's Poetical Playing Cards Tim Key's Poetical Playing Cards Tim Key's Poetical Playing Cards In peace, poetical playing cards. In peace, poetical playing cards. In peace, poetical playing cards. From artaandpress.co.uk It was great to see you.

You can't help but smile, can you? It's lovely. That's really good. It's lovely. Who made that? A guy called Joe Auckland, who is in the's lovely. That's really good. It's lovely. Who made that? A guy called Joe Auckland who is in the horn section. Is he a bishop?

Is he a bishop? Bishop Auckland. I'm going to just go straight in there. Is that your role? I love that song, Jim. I don't want to spend ten minutes on that.

I feel, when I hear that song, I feel I should be serving a gentleman a martini and have a beehive in the bar. Do you feel me, Frank? I'd like to see you in shots bandoleros. Do you remember those things?

Oh, yeah. Used to wear those Mexican bandit things, but with shots in each one. Wow, those were the days. Different time. Yeah, you don't get it in a Starbucks. Shots bandoleros. So, Tim, you are't get it in a Starbucks. Shot Sandaleros. So, Tim, you are the first person,

even in the days when we had guests on a regular basis, we never had anyone coming on to plug their new set of playing cards. This is a, I mean, this is a first. Trailblazer. You are a trailblazer. Have you seen the cards? I haven't. No.

I haven't been either. All right, hang on. I got mine out this morning. I got a preview pack. They're beautiful. Oh, I've got... Oh, okay. I'm going to have a look at these during the...

Can we watch these down? Can I just point out when the fun stops? Yeah. I have in my hand Chancellor Yeah Herr Hitler I've been speaking to the German Chancellor

Tim Key's poetical playing card The first thing I can say, Tim is they are a thing of beauty They are objet d'art Yeah, they're solid But they feel nice in a thing of beauty they are really not yeah they're solid yeah but they look they feel nice in the hand yeah they do and they um well they've been beautifully designed by someone who's got an interest in the weight of paper and things like that right she's a designer a bookmaker okay but not a you know but a bookmaker. I've got... One of the fun stops.

I used to have quite a collection of novelty playing cards. I don't mean... I don't see these really as novelty. Oh. Yeah, but you had those rude ladies on the cards. No, I had one of those. Oh, yeah, I had some of those. Did you have some rude lady cards?

Yeah, I did. Yeah, I saw that show. Yeah. But I had one that had all the popes from St. Peter up to John Paul II. that show. Yeah. But I had one that had all the popes from St Peter up to John Paul II. Different show. Yeah. Yeah, it's a different world altogether. But these, I should describe these cards.

They feel lovely and just the font. I'm loving the font. This is what I'm talking about. The girl is called Emily Juniper and she has designed them. Lives upon a hill. Oh. Wasn't expecting that. So she's I send her the words and then she places them onto the playing

cards. Well, it's beautifully done. And then, well, not laminates, but sort of lacquers them, I suppose. Yeah. So I should say that every card, as well as functioning I mean, you could play cards with these. Let's get that straight from the off. We can and we will. But every one has one of Tim's own poems on it.

Tim, is there one that you can read on Breakfast Radio? I reckon I can, just leafing through. I think there's about half I could read. OK. I've only come across the other half so far. LAUGHTER Yeah, I've leafed through the other half so far, but yeah. Yeah.

I've leafed through so far. Can I say, I'm interested to see how this goes. I've already laughed out loud three times. Oh, they're very funny. OK, well, can you just give us... All the festival, not so much. Well, I'm thinking the Ten of Hearts. Oh. It's the idea we're going to read it with you.

No, the idea is that... In the round. He's going to say a number. Alan will find it to check that it's suitable. Well, this could take a while. There's 52 of these, I think. Well, he can also explain the joke if he likes. We've also had...

Do you know the Ten of Hearts off by heart? No, I've got it here. As it were. Oh, go on then, do it. I trust him, Frank. You do. It's your stuff. You do you. Okay, this is the Ten of Hearts.

James Glanz sat the wrong way at the dinner party. Why are you facing out, James? The hostess figure asked. James Glanz addressed her using his hand mirror. I don't want to look at you, the other guests, or the food, he declared. The hostess looked very, very sad. I would dry your eyes, Miriam, I came, didn't I? There isn't any swear words either.

No? Nope. And it's... I love it. Sarah's enjoyed it. It's classic. Classic Key. It's classic Key. On Absolute Radio.

It's CK. Can I just say something? I buy the cards, of course, but is Tim Key's late-night poetry show coming back? 005 wants to know. They'll buy the cards, but they want to know if your late-night poetry show's coming back. Yeah, that's very good.

The poetry show's coming back on Wednesday. Is that your publicist texting in? Let me say it again. Say the name again. We only do numbers here, love. 005. Yeah, that sounds like my publicist. Yeah?

I think she's 008. Okay, well, we all know now. Double the weight. It's not that brassy woman number. Two doors away. Yeah, so my radio show's coming back. Yeah, it's coming back on Wednesday. Is it on Radio 4? Yeah.

And is it on late in the evening? Yeah, 11pm. Okay. Do you enjoy it? Yes, it's funny. Great. Excellent. And again...

Why were you reading that out? No, no. And Tom Basden is on it. Oh, wow. Tom Basden is on it, yeah. And it's, again, to be honest, Tim, and I know all our conversation never moves away from irony and archness, our conversation never moves away from irony and archness but I've never known you do anything that hasn't been very very funny indeed unless unless it's like a tragic thing that isn't to

do with performance what'd you say there I'm sure I can dig some stuff out well I you know I can think of what can I mean all the live shows have been totally hilarious. I got a vinyl of you on a boat with a band. This is good. You were across the whole lot. Yeah. You've got a lot of Tim Key merch, haven't you? Yeah.

I'm not sure about the Philip Schofield advert. I got removed from those. Oh, did you? Yeah, they found someone else to do the voiceover. Oh. We'll talk to you later. Philip Schofield. Oh, Philip Schofield. Oh, man.

It was very much cut out the middle man. That's wrong, isn't it? There's something wrong about these adverts. Ah, yeah. Philip Schofield should do everything on them. Does he still do it in the third person? Um, no. No, he does say hi.

Oh, I wish you would do that. Yeah. Well, you wish you'd do the whole lot in the third person. Yeah, I do he does say hi. I wish you would do that. Yeah. Well, you wish you'd do the whole lot in the third person this morning as well. I do. I mean, that's what he's like off stage.

Why change? Oh, have you met him? Oh, many times. Oh, nice. I've been on this. He's all right. Oh, yeah, fantastic. Have you met him?

No. No, it's sort of, you know, ships in the night. Have you met him? I haven't, no. Not only have I met him, but I saw him, I saw him live

at what I, it's now called the Evan Team Apollo. Oh, yeah. Playing, playing, he played, Aladdin?

No. On the goose? He played Doctor, the animal. Feel good? Doolittle. Doolittle. Doolittle.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about his musical career Yeah he played Dr Doolittle I bet he was fantastic Oh I saw him with Joseph in a loincloth He was really good Yeah He did the whole thing in the first Well he talks to the animals We were just talking about magic.

That's the trouble. You bring a pack of playing cards into a room and people's mind is going to wander to magic. The time me and David Baddiel met Yuri Geller and he bent David's keys. Hurry, hurry. That was a bit of a late night story. These are really lovely.

And I repeat my earlier point, many of them are not broadcastable, but they're really fun and beautiful. It's probably... Timing is everything in this business. Is playing cards basically the modern equivalent of Russian roulette? It feels like it's kind of... It doesn't feel like a bad time, does it? Oh, no, I think you're right, Tim. I think Frank thinks it's not.

I think it is a good time. Yeah, why do you think it's a bad... Well, because when you when you're playing cards with people, aren't they all passing around their killer virus to each other? If you're all staying in. Yeah, you're staying in, though. If you're staying in, what are you going to be doing? And if no one's got the killer virus, you're alright. What we're saying is

wash your hands before you... Between each go. Okay. I think that could do. You could have a sort of a finger bowl, the card game finger bowl at the start. I imagine. A bit of Dettol.

A bit of Dettol, yeah. I feel Dettol has not really cashed in on this whole thing. Frank is such a Fairy Liquid fan. He's very brand loyal. Oh, yeah. Fairy Liquid, I've heard a bit of heat around Fairy Liquid. Yeah, I've invested heavily this week.

I found it difficult to find. That's you, is it? That's me, yeah. How heavy have you got it? That is me. I tell you what worries me a bit about these playing cards. Oh, here we go. I can imagine sitting on a train or something

and I will be a man looking at a set of playing cards and laughing out loud. People are going to think, why is he finding? This guy's got a good hand. Me remembering. It'd be like, there used to be a recitation called The Deck of Cards, which I think was number one both sides of the Atlantic. Max Bygraves brought out a version.

And what was it? It was about a man who was in the army as a soldier, caught in church with a deck of cards, and he was in big trouble for having a gambling tool in church. And then he explained that the cards were his Bible. When I see the three, I think of the Holy Trinity. It was like that. Oh, nice. Yeah.

You can use that. I think we should. Oh, yeah, well, thanks. Those are the days. I'll have a look at it. Would you do us another, Tim? Yeah, have you got any particular card you want me to go on? I really like five of diamonds, but I'm happy to go.

Snap! Can I say, Frank, I'm not contributing. I just gifted my cards to Tim. Okay, thank you. You can have a few back. Oh, thanks. And also, we don't want Tim to feel like some sort of trained monkey. Oh, I do.

I'm fine with that. Yeah, I'm okay with that. Okay. Do you want me to do the five of diamonds? Another banana? Frank's equally as well. Tim has just had a banana. Would have worked anyway.

Yeah. As with all Frank's material. Can we put a picture on Instagram of Tim peeling it with his feet? I can just sort of wiggle it by the mic. Yeah, that'll be fine. Oh, Tim, you've got a simian quality. Right, thanks. OK, this is the five of diamonds.

Five of diamonds. OK. The man with no spatial awareness wandered through the wake. His huge caramore rucksack kept bashing into people's coffees. He scolded maybe five mourners. His sombrero very nearly took the widow's head off. That's quite funny. I think that's really funny.

Clean as a whistle. And also, I like the scolding of mourners. It's so inappropriate. I've always thought that. I remember being at an uncle's funeral and someone said to my dad, or my dad said, I never knew his middle name was Patrick. And they said, yeah, yeah, it's on his birth certificate.

And he said, oh, has he got one of them? He said, well, he's got a death certificate now. Wow. I thought, whoa. Completed the set. Yeah, sort of a brutal word association. full word association. Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. I need a glimpse behind the curtain. I'm going to have to ask Tim a how do you do this question. Do you have a big book of unusual names or are you just making names up? That's interesting. Me and Emily were talking about this yesterday. I do think I've got an obsession with names. Because just flicking through, there are names in here like Ririk, Juniper, Grice.

Grice. We've already established there's a real Juniper. There is a real Juniper, but this is just, I mean, I'm just picking. There's a lot of uncommon names that are funny. They're immediately funny. Don't tell me how it's done, Tim. I think of a name. He just wants

the bacon sandwich. He doesn't want to know how the pig got there. Good point. Well, I think when I first started doing poetry, I used to like, the names were more normal, but I found them really, I found a really normal name really funny. Like, I'd think

of something like Chris Hooper. That's good. He's listening now, actually. Almost certainly. I think that's why. I think it's because I don't know anyone called Chris Hooper, but there must be a Chris Hooper. Yeah. I can picture it. Good luck to him. So can I.

What are you picturing for Chris Hooper? I'm picturing he's in sales. Of course he is. How old? 50 odd? No, not that old. Oh, he's a youngster. No, I agree, Frank.

I'm having him in the late 30s. Oh, right. Does he play five-a-side? He plays five-a-side. He plays five-a-side. Yeah, obviously. And what expressions

might he use? What books are in his bookcase? Andy McNabb. Of course McNabb. Oh, he loves McNabb. And an A to Z, which he hasn't picked up for years. Yeah.

So, can I just talk practical for a minute here? Yeah, let's go practical. If you hadn't given me these cards, and I wanted to get them, can I walk into a shop and get them, or do I have to... It's a great question. A lot of products, you can actually walk into a shop and get them, or do I have to... It's a great question. A lot of products you can actually walk into a shop and get them.

Yeah? Not these. No, no. These are online exclusive. Online exclusive, yeah. Let's make a virtue of that. Can I make a guess? I imagine a pack of cards like this is about £600.

I don't know if we should go into... Oh, OK, fair enough. It's less than that, though. It's going to be a lot less. Yeah, much less. Really? Because that's what I think these are worth. There's no overheads, though, online.

That's true. There's overheads in this. There's postage and packing. It's very highly produced. Oh, yeah. Lovely. We get some emails about postage and packing. Yeah, I'll bet.

What's the bit of a kick in the teeth when you get to that bit? I'm not just... Because they're so thick, they won't go through that little... Oh, that's a shame. Yeah, so that puts them up one band do you know someone called the rabbit

do I know someone called the rabbit yeah well I mean I know you've probably written three poems about him no but I know you get involved in all that

Russian spy stuff is it the dad in Amazing World of Gumball well I think someone has got in touch called the rabbit who is a friend of yours. It's a rabbit.

What do they say? Your friend the rabbit. And why don't they say, why aren't they called 004? Well, how can we know? I don't know. I might have to read it to you off air, because it might be some personal thing. I don't really know what's going on.

Yeah. We got quite close to saying the website, didn't we? Yeah. Why don't you say it? Should we tease it? No, no, don't do it Yeah, why don't you say it? Should we tease it? No, no, don't do it.

To me, with all due respect, I don't know if you could carry a cliffhanger. W? Uh. It's www.utterandpress.co.uk. There you go.

Okay. And that'd be a lovely gift, I think. Yeah, well, you could keep them for yourself. Well, you could keep them. Well, get two of those. Are you going to re-gift yours? No. No, good.

I'm going to keep these forever. And when I say forever, I mean my forever. And then I'm going to read them, and I'm going to credit every time I read them, I'm going to credit you. Mate, don't have any doubts about that. I was assuming that would be how you'd play this. Yeah, that's my way.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So, Tim Key's here. Tim Key, who's... What is the actual technical title of these cards? They're called Tim Key's Poetical Playing Cards. Yes, I really would heartily recommend them,

and I don't mean, you know, I've got a guest on, so I've got to say it. I'll be honest, I'm the same. I think they're genuinely nice. They are. They're excellent. And Christmas, will there be tarot? I think I'm going to do another big push at Christmas.

OK. It feels like... We released these at Christmas last year, and they flew off the website. We sold out in, like, the first day, so then we were trying to work out how many more to print, and it's difficult to sort of judge that kind of thing, to work out to what extent Christmas was a factor. But now, having reprinted them,

it feels like Christmas was quite a big factor. Oh, does it? Yeah. Yeah. I can't wait for Christmas. They're also a sort of an advertising tool because if you don't know, if you've never seen you live, I think it might lure people in.

You know when you put a riddle in the garden with a stick and you put bread going into it so you can catch wild birds. Yes, yes. I think it'd be like that. They're like a gateway drug. Yeah. I think they sum up the essence of key. They do. Yes. They do. I should release that shouldn't I? Yeah. In fact I must admit

I'd love another one if you can. Another pack? No, another poem. He likes a freebie, too. Which one? We were thinking about The Six of Clubs, weren't we? But are you anti that? I'm pro it, actually.

Okay, let's do that. Is that my favourite one? I think it might be. Could be, yeah. Okay. It's a nice, again, fantastic design by Emily Juniper. The Six is actually smoking a cigarette. Emily Juniper. Oh, yeah, smoking a cigarette. Emily Juniper.

Oh, yeah, lovely. Emily lives up on the hill. Oh, nice. Do you know the original Jennifer Juniper by Donovan? I don't think you need to. See, I go see Emily play, but she could have worked into the website with the playing cards thing. Oh, yes.

As you were. All good ideas. Now, here's the Six of Clubs. What about dressing up as a baked bean? That was one I suggested to Tim after one of his live shows once. Dressing as a baked bean? Oh, you see the city's face.

It was like thunder. Was it? Tim, he didn't give you no. Was that a genuine suggestion? It was a genuine suggestion. Tim! Oh, we talked about turning into a baked bean in the show. Yeah.

And you said I should dress up as a baked bean for an encore. When you come on at the end, come on as a baked bean. I think that's a good idea. Tim, please don't... Sorry, Al. I was just going to say, that's making me feel sick. Because you know my worst thing is when Frank offers advice. When you go, did he genuinely offer advice?

Yeah, he offered advice. The advice he offered was dress up as a baked bean at the end of the show. Did you say that to him? I genuinely thought there was no such thing as a bad idea. I offered, I think, two things, and I think the other thing you were less sniffy about. No, the other thing I did. Oh, was it?

Did it work? Yeah, it did. What was it? I can't remember. Was it the playing cards with poems? No. Come on, read us a poem. Sorry. You can't do this.

No, I'm trying to think of that thing that you told me. Yeah, but we're running out of time. I know we're running out of time. I don't think you did. That's what you need to let me think. Read the ball and turn. Everyone be quiet. Can I say, when Al said we're running out of time in that nervous voice,

I don't want anyone to... We're talking about the radio show. Yeah. I don't think we should use that as this week's trailer Okay, here's the six of clubs Glenn ate nine apples By apples I mean fags And by eight I mean smoked

And by nine I mean twenty And by Glenn I mean me That's my favourite one Lovely Tim, I heartily recommend people to buy Tim Key's Poetical Playing Cards. It's a beautiful thing and a funny thing. How often do you get those two together? I know.

Most beautiful people are not funny in any way. Wowee. Yeah. Sorry means that. And most funny people are not in any way beautiful. Right. So, ouchie. I think that's true. There you go.

I think you've got a little bit of both. A little bit? Never mind. Tons of funny. Never mind talking about the beauty. Let's talk about the little bit of fun. Anyway, you don't even remember the advice I gave you. I'm trying to write my brain.

That's how dissed I am What about when you gave Andrew Lloyd Webber advice? Oh, what was that advice? What was it? I mean Get a room, I think it was Get a room It was about the encore

The encore didn't work quite right In my opinion I've remembered what the advice you gave me Okay Anyway, we don't have time for it now So, thank you so much for coming on, Tim. It's always great to see you. I always love coming on.

I fully expected a cancellation, but, you know, good on you for coming on. I like being one of the Power Five. Yeah, well, exactly. So, thank you for coming. Buy Tim's cards. He's not doing live at the moment, but listen to his radio show, which starts...

Wednesday evening at 11pm on Radio 4, Tim Key's late-night poetry programme. Yeah, do that. It's very, very funny, of course. OK, look, I usually say this thing about if the good Lord spares us, which seems a little bit grim this week. What I am going to say is wash your hands and keep safe because we don't want to lose you. And if you don't believe I mean that, look at our ray jars.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.