The Frank Skinner Show - Witchell Hunt

Episode Date: October 30, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week we have our brand-new email address! The team also discussed Tom Hank’s hero, Hugh Jackman’s theatrical injury and Frank’s childhood crush.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram. I'm getting excited now. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Okay? Mm-hmm. And, and, I say and... Follow the show on Twitter At Frank on the radio Okay And And I say and

You can email the show On our new email address You might remember A reader texted in the other week And said how come all the All the Absolute Radio shows Have their own email address And you just used the company one.

Well, it took us 12 years to work that out. So thank you, whoever that was, thank you. We now have frank at absoluteradio, all one word,.co.uk. frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. You send that, you get right through the absolute company filter straight to us. I'm glad of that. For a little moment there, I thought it was going to be something really amateur sounding, like, you know, Frank on the radio at BT Internet.

I've still got a BT Internet. I know. I like those. And then people where it's just gmail.com and you think make an effort i like it when someone said to me don't give me that email that you don't like very much that your second email is what you've given me there i have the second email for people you know i like to someone said to me on so you can contact my agent yeah so it's Charisse at Tesco. Oh, come on. Come on, I'm at Tesco for an agent. Still, every little.

So, look, we got, Al, we got a gift for you. Do you remember, do you remember Odysseus Constantine? No? Odysseus Constantine. No? Well, he works for Art and Hue, which is based in Eastbourne, and they make prints, P-R-I-N-T-S,

not prints, obviously. And we've been sent... I've been sent a Laurel and Hardy print, because I love Laurel and Hardy one thing that's happened is that Emily Dean is now the football guy on the show because she's top of her fantasy league, still top can I say

what's it called that league, comedians? comedians FPL, still top this week and also she is the bringer of the laddiest of the humour of the previous do you think so? Oh, I hope so. No, I'm just messing about. Well, I think if I remember the quote correctly,

the best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun. So I think we have to observe that. That's their prerogative, apparently. We've got some sort of back seat in the on the fun train what do you think you're something we're in the quiet compartment on the fun train whereas um yeah do you know shania who's song that is from yes yes she was very good at rocking a long coat with a mini and that's it's a brave look not everyone

goes through yeah she did but she looked great I interviewed her she was very very nice and you Al have been sent

oh yeah what did I get well it's it's a map of Scotland with Scottish actors on it and

yeah because you're born in Scotland, obviously. I'm hoping they've been placed exactly where they're from, but I have no evidence of that. But as a par example, there's Alistair

Sim, David McCollum, formerly Ilya Kuryakin, of The Man From Uncle, Fulton Mackay from Parage, and alya Kuryakin, of The Man From Uncle. Lovely. Fulton Mackay from Porridge. And a woman who I had one of my first ever crushes on. My child crush. We may think that doesn't exist, but it sure does.

Who was that, Thora Heard? Oh, it was, she was later. Jimmy Cranky. Amy, Amy MacDonald. Do you remember Amy Macdonald? I mean, it was very Route 1, leggy blonde, but I was a child. I hadn't developed my sort of director's cot approach to attraction. We've heard from 378, and it includes something that I'd like to clarify. Is it butter? Yeah, very good. We've heard from 378, and it includes something that I'd like to clarify. They say...

Is it butter? Very good. They say, I've still got a BT internet address. Too much of a pain to change that now. Yes, well, I've had mine since the beginning of emails. I mean, I don't think we were making fun of that internet provider so much as just businesses that still have that as their address. Yes, yes.

Like when you see a leaflet and it says, you know, Wowzer, Dog Walkers or whatever, but then the address is, you know, Janice at BT Internet. Or an accountant saying at Waitrose.com. Yes, exactly. I have questions. It takes me back to that grand land grab when people started buying domain names. Do you remember that? Oh, I've got to get my domain name. Yeah.

What's the point of that? No, it's just that Gmail. Well, there was side disclosures, wasn't there? Well, that was, you know what? When did email start? Do you know, Em? What? Yes, I do what When did email start? Do you know Em? Yes I do

When? No I don't know the exact date I must phone my gardener in case you weren't listening last week my gardener

Greg told me that the craze for garden offices began in 2012 what about that?

Do you ever think back? I do sometimes think back to when was I going online regularly? When was the internet a thing? I do always think... You see, the Millennium... Do you remember the 2K park, the Millennium Park that never happened?

Oh, I got so excited about that. The planes were going to drop out of the sky. I know, I know. You know some people will now complain, saying the reason it never happened is that Geeks worked really hard and they think that we were lucky. Oh.

I disagree, but whatever. Well, thanks on the side of the Geeks. But I think we might have been lucky. See, that was it. I just missed starring in the doctor who spin-off class because they brought in the writer patrick ness and he he poo-pooed me and all and all not just me just all older people um and um but maybe we just dodged planes dropping out of the sky. So it's, you know, it's like a slalom. You know, some of those wobbly poles you hit

and some of them you just go straight past. What a great way to see it. Yeah, I think so. It doesn't seem to make much difference when they hit a wobbly pole, does it? No. It's a bit like they've gone very corner flag, the whole thing.

There's no solidity. I remember when corner flags were like this. Yeah. You didn't want to slide into one of them babies. Yeah. It'd be good on absolute 80s, this. It would. Yeah.

It is on absolute 80s in a nice time. So would some of my, can I just say on my football picture that I've been sent. Oh, yes. I'll just say, on my football picture that I've been sent, what's lovely is there's a theme to it, and it's great football tashes. So there's all sorts. There's Ruud Gullit, there's Ian Rush, etc. Souness? Yes, I think Souness does get a look in one of my faves.

I hope so. What I would say is, I hope he sent this to me due to my love of football and that it's not because... Not as a hint? Yeah. Oh no, I don't think that's right. Don't get out the veet on the strength of that.

There's a lot of strength in veet, let me tell you. Some of them don't have moustaches and that's made me think it's actually... Oh, middle-aged women? No, all of them. No, no, some of those footballers don't. So I think it might be a hair

montage. He hasn't even noticed. He hasn't even noticed the moustaches. They're just there as an addendum. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We have heard from John Hopkins, who is one of our regulars.

Hopkins. I love Hopkins. Okay. He's congratulating you. When you announced the email address, you played a little, our very own email address, you played one of your little jingles. And John Hopkins says, You announced the email address. You played a little, our very own email address, you played one of your little jingles. And John Hopkins says,

cracking use of the Umpah band to announce the new email address. Yes, it's from that, I think it was a 60s British film, Those Magnificent Men and Their Flying Machines. Do you want to hear it one more time, Hoppo? Yeah. Those magnificent men. That's how it continues. Hoppo adds, a friend of mine registered at a new dentist years ago

and had to give his email, which he'd not changed since he'd been promoted to assistant butcher at ASDA when he was 18. MeetGod99 at AOL.com I'm assuming he subsequently changed it. I think MeatGod is

that's alright. I'm happy with that. But you know what's rather tragic? MeatGod99 there were 98 other MeatGods. Yeah. Well there may be even more. He might be mid-table.

In the Meat God League. It sounds like a sponsor, doesn't it? There probably could be a Meat God League somewhere just outside Margate. We've also heard from, we had a couple of people get in touch about this. Al, did you know this? Have they gone on the new email? No. They have. What you mean the our new email yeahum is it Buchan you say?

B-U-C-H-A-N John Buchan I would say. Well I'm going to ask Scottish correspondent Frank. In the FA Cup final when Man United won their captain was Martin Buchan. John Motsen said and Martin Buchan climbs

the 39 steps to the Royal Box. And apparently he had counted them and there were 39 and he couldn't believe it. You know that thing now when a joke really comes together? Oh, really? When you think, oh God, I can't believe this has worked out. Actually, can we bookmark that thought? Because I'd like to come back to that. Yeah.

I'm writing it down. Joke comes together. together 39 steps what it refers to it's a bit of a big mo i feel that well i remember when i had to ask my pa on an on an email oh that was one of the relatable moments you had yeah i asked her loads of questions about stuff what time is this and when when's the car coming for all that stuff? And I wrote so many questions at the end, I just put, what are the 39 steps? And she wrote all the answers,

and then she wrote at the end, what is the 39 steps related to? And she just took it completely straight. She probably thought it was one of them. It's my own fault. It's me being smart. Yeah. too and she just took it completely smart panel show or something smart Alec yeah we've all had enough of expert go V said what's his first name Michael Michael. I wanted to say Martin Gove. I've got Martin Bocken into my head. Things are so, so, I'm having nominative, nominativeness. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was listening to Al Reid this morning on the way in.

Do you know Al Reid? I thought it was my talking book but I've just heard that one. That'd be good if I was actually listening to you read. I thought Frank's grammar had just gone out the window. Yeah. Al Reid

not at her age. Oh. Al Reid was an old comic. Well he obviously was an old comic. Well, he obviously was a young comic before that, you know, chronology. And he was a very famous British comic. I remember him as a kid. And you always think that those old British comics just did, you know,

two blokes went into a pub, but he was very sort of modern. He did observational comedy. And on the radio this morning, I don't know what station it was, you know, two blokes went into a pub, but he was very sort of modern. He did observational comedy. And on the radio this morning, I don't know what station it was, but they preceded it with, if I had a talking picture of you. And then the presenter said,

I wish I knew more about flying, but I know a man who does. And then it went to a routine, a comedy routine by Al Reid, right? And there was a thing in it that really made me laugh because he did an announcement from Air France and he obviously couldn't speak French, but he spoke in a sort of a pretend French. And the announcement went...

They had a little bit of echo to make it sound a bit more... China, Dusseldorf and Hayward's Heath. And I just thought, that's really well chosen, the three. Do you know what I mean, Al? It's good. Hayward's Heath got a very good comic rhythm at the end. Now, you were just saying that thing about when a joke comes together. So what were you on about?

Well, I'm not sure if this will become a feature like Stony Ground used to be. When a joke comes together, I like the idea of it. When a child is born. You used to do a discussion of jokes that fell on Stony Ground. I did. We had that as a runner, I think it would be called, a running theme of the show i i've almost got the reverse um i wondered if you ever have what i recently had where you

think a joke is so obvious it's almost not worth telling and then you do it and you're surprised that it works i'm going to give you an example i did a place in i did a gig in a place in Yorkshire which is spelled H-O-L-M-E, but pronounced home. Yeah. And on the way in, there's a sign saying home, twinned with whatever. You know, these places are twinned with a European city or village or something. And I said, oh, I was surprised to see the sign saying

that it was twins with somewhere because I thought there was no place like home lovely joke no I think that's a fine joke I thought it was rubbish and that they'd driven past that sign every day and thought it for 20 years or more

they've probably heard a lot of home jokes but that one it's from the top drawer do you know what I mean it's got all the corners sheared one, it's from the top drawer. Do you know what I mean? You think so? Yeah, it's got all the corners sheared off and it's got a nice finish. Shocked I was. It's been enamelled, that one.

It's finished off. I mean, how unfunny are these people driving past that sign and not thinking it every day? That's what I had to ask them. That was when I lost the gig. When I was on the comedy carpet at Birmingham, at Blackpool, a few weeks ago, I noticed a joke. I don't know if it was by,

but I'm saying this is not my joke. I read it from the comedy carpet. And it was... We should tell people in case they don't know. That's a sort of Hollywood walk of fame, except it's in Blackpool. Yes, exactly. It's quite a finite source of material for this show yeah it's just a long long uh loads

of jokes and cat is an enormous um get get out of that a sort of old um eric morcombe thing anyway someone says uh i can't remember what town they were criticising, but that might be a good thing. And it says I was in blah, blah, blah. By looking at the signs, it's not twinned with anyone, but it's in a suicide pact with Dagenham. I did think that was a very fine joke. Whoever, someone will know whose joke that is. Like I say, I emphasise it's not mine. I'm not joke-stealing.

I'm just reading from the carpet. Something I used to do a lot in the 80s. I was down there. Good heavens. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. I was watching the news the other day and Nicholas Whitchell came on.

You know Nicholas Whitchell, the royal correspondent? Was he the one that Prince Charles referred to as the... I don't know. Can we say that? No, we can't. I'll pause. I was going to say these. I was going to pause and say people. People, yes. We probably can say it, but I mean, Ron Weasley says it in a children's film.

But anyway, he doesn't actually say that. But he says the B word. Anyway, Nicholas Whitchell did a rant, did a TV rant, a bit like those... Do you remember those ones that Charlie Brooker used to do, those long, you know, right? It was like that, and it was about the palace You know, right.

Yeah. It was like that. And it was about the palace not keeping him informed about the Queen's health. The Queen not very well at the moment, God bless her. But anyway, he was on about that. And he said, and this is why rumours begin. And because I was not kept fully informed, the palace giving me miss. I thought, mind your own business, Whitchell. Not a proper journalist, the royal correspondent.

That's just below the blokes that does the horoscopes. And way below the man who does that little chess section in New Spain. The chess section with an example of a game from the past. I love that. I don't play chess, but I'm glad that exists, the chess. Yeah, me too. What about crosswords compiler with celebrity picture in the centre? Oh, yeah.

What about if I was on the radio saying there's an old lady near me and her family haven't told me about, you know, didn't tell me she had a cold or I'd have gone and got her some. Mind your own business. Royal correspondent. I mean, who cares if that stops? Anyway, so perhaps I'm being unfair on them. No, I think I've checked the handbook,

and Absolute Radio are all in favour of medical privacy. I think you're right. Yeah, because the stable, your top three RCs would be Richel, Bond. Yeah. I feel like there was another one as well This is Royal Correspondence rather than Roman Catholics

Yeah I'll tell you what the Witchell thing was the whole subtext was she'd be nothing without me That's where he was coming from I know your place in the food chain Nick Exactly, I discovered her and now she has turned against me.

No, it's the queen, Nick. You're a bit player, mate. Awful. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran, by the way. You can text the show on 81215,

follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, or you can email the show... I like it, I like it. frank at absoluteradio.co.uk And this is the thing people don't often say now, all lowercase. frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. And this is the thing people don't often say now. All lowercase.

Oh, still around. As Anthony Moss has pointed out, have Absolute finally decided you can stick around for a bit? Well, I wouldn't want to hang my coat on that certainty. What, with the rage Arts coming out this week? Oh, yeah. Let's just see how it goes. Alright. Do you know what we're talking about?

Your Nicholas Whitchell rant could be one of those things that gets you cancelled. Well, Whitchell's got friends in high places. Or he thought he had. Turns out they're slightly lower places than he thought he had friends. Well, Ian Stewart-Dootson, who's one of our regulars, has got in touch to say at least bit player

Nicholas Whitchell's obsession with the Queen will stand him in good stead when he does devote time to compiling chess problems on the inside back page. How is it? Very good, thank you. Well, when he retires, presumably he'll be one of those pensioners. You know those old-age pensioners

who have pictures of the Queen and the royal family up in their homes? Oh, yeah. I mean, he'll be doing it in dartboard form because he'll feel that his career had been quashed by lack of communication. Out in the cold. You were talking about Amy Macdonald earlier.

Yes, Amy Macdonald's on a poster that Alan has been sent of famous Scottish actors and celebrity. It's lovely. I've spotted Gordon Jackson, who was always one of my crushes, actually. Oh, was he? Well, Amy McDonald, as I said, was one of my crushes when I was, I mean, really a child when she was in black and white British

satire on the telly. Oh, okay. Sorry, everyone. Well, Peter Robertson from Finden Valley, which is in Sussex, has got in touch saying, Dear Frank, I had the good fortune to interview and photograph your early crush, Amy MacDonald,

for the Scottish Mail on Sunday in 2016. Attached is the article and a photo I took. I have now texted Amy and told her to tune in. Oh, no. I do hope you hear from her. Best wishes, Peter. Well, I don't know if this is appropriate, but she looks fantastic on the photograph, I must say.

I mean, things might have gone terribly wrong since 2016. Was it 2016? No, she looks great. I just remember her as being the sort of, you know, the archetypal dream woman. I was little, though. I was little. Well, she looks, she's 79.

Oh, she'll hate you for that. No, she won't. To look like that, fantastic. But dancers, you see, I was doing this morning. They don't lie anymore. No, I was doing this morning, and Sid Cherise anymore. No, I was doing this morning, and Sid Charisse was on the show. Remember him?

Yes. And Sid Charisse was a female film star, dancer. And I said, and I never do this, I said, can you introduce me to Sid Charisse? And they said, well, we'll ask if it's okay. And then she said, yeah, she's happy. And I went into her dressing room. She was 80, and her back was absolutely straight as an ironing board.

Brilliant. You know that act? And I said, oh, my God, your posture's amazing. And she said, yeah, dancers, you see, dancers. Yeah. So there you go. Another Nicholas Whitchell contribution we have from Daniel Skipsy. Fun fact, my mum sold a book on the Royal Family to Nicholas Whitchell on eBay a few years ago.

Wow. That's probably what started him off. This was his early prep. He heard the job was coming up. It was only a few years ago. I want to say it's a bit late for him to be buying books on the Royal Family. A few years ago. Surely he should be writing them.

Unless he was just crossing out the name on the front writing, Nicholas Whittle, to impress people. How long has he been the RC, Whittle? It's been around a long time is it the official RC for I don't know I mean it's a silly

old job isn't it it is though I mean what a thing to get angry about the palace not keeping

you informed I tell you when they like it when they get very busy when there's a child born they like it, when they get very busy, when there's a child born, they like it. They're always outside that street in Paddington.

Yeah, they must hate the town crier. You know, the unofficial town crier who turns up at the lindow. They must hate him for getting in the way of their serious reporting. Get down off that ladder. Oh, man. You know, there was a time when Cromwell was leading a sort of revolution against it. But Nicholas Whitchell's thing is shouting about not being able to see the Queen's doctor's report. For goodness sake.

OK, are we ready, everyone? Oh, OK. On Absolute Radio. OK, are we ready, everyone? Oh, yeah. OK. It's the time in the show that I'm going to call bead time. OK. We have had a number of people get in touch because bead... We should say the venerable bead. Yeah. He was a writer in the 9th century,

who... It's what we know most of our knowledge of Anglo-Saxon England. We get it from his ecclesiastical history of England. And Frank's rather obsessed by him, to the extent... A great important man. Yeah. Yeah, to the extent. I know he's important, but you love him so much,

we got you a T-shirt. A sweatshirt, in fact. And I have pictures of me touching his tomb, as it were. Didn't you go to Bede World as a day out? I did, I went to Bede World. It was great. Qu bead i mean not actual recordings of him but recordings of an act of being here yes and we did ask i did ask frank whether there was bead merch available there was some well as as you say with bead cushion there was a bit of a bit of a big big curtain

yeah very good but he's called the venerable bead, isn't he? Yeah. Commonly referred to. Exactly. He's venerable. Yeah. Oh, God, he was venerable. That's a clear of his main trait.

Sometimes in quiz he comes up, bead, animal vegetable, animal venerable. Sorry, I've messed it up. But you know what? We can always get it when we do the actual show instead of the rehearsal. Yes. That'll be fine.

Well, it's nice to see, yeah, he's the other much revered VB. There are two. Yeah. There's two venerable beads. Well, there's Victoria Beckham. Oh, Victoria Beckham and the venerable bead. In the VB chair normally.

There can't be many other occasions when the venerable beads in the same Venn diagram as Victoria Beckham. Oh, that's our show for you. There was that time she did a catwalk full of smocks. Oh, yeah. I also imagine he's probably a thin man, the venerable bead.

Oh, yeah. His life was given over to ecclesiastical study. Although Thomas Aquinas, clinically obese. You heard it here first. Anyway, what's the Bede news? What's the Bede? Well, I always thought it was one of your funny niche things, but it turns out Bede has gone mainstream

Callum Buchan who Callum Best I thought you were going to say it's playing the venerable Bede in a British movie Max Beasley as

Cothbert Saint Cothbert go on carry on who's playing Mrs Bede as Cothbert, Saint Cothbert. Go on, carry on. Who's playing Mrs. Bede? Was there a Mrs. Bede? No, he's a monk. Oh.

No, there wasn't. There was an old ma Bede, but she handed him over to the monastery when he was a child. Small child. Just a small child. That would have been a nice part. Old Ma Bede. Miriam Margolis as Old Ma Bede Just a small child. That would have been a nice part. Old Marbead.

Miriam Margolis as Old Marbead. Oh, yeah, that would have been good, yeah. I think she could have played both parts. She could have also played the venerable. Socked her cheeks in a bit. Who's to know? Anyway. Oh, but we're going to have to have a venerable bead cliffhanger,

I'm afraid. Frank Skinner. We're going to have to have a venerable bead cliffhanger, I'm afraid. We were on, you may recall, we were on a venerable bead cliffhanger. We've had correspondence about VB. It's not venerable bead breaking news at this stage, is it? Well, I get venerable bead alerts. Of course you do. I don't. He says he doesn't, Al, he does.

Callum Buckham, who you may recall was mentioned, I think in minute six, roughly, of this show. Oh, okay. Because we then discussed the 39 steps, et cetera. Oh, yes, of this show. Oh, OK. Because we then discuss the 39 steps, etc. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Anyway, Callum Buchan got in touch as a screen grab from an episode of The Chase this week. Even the producers gasped.

She gasped because she likes The Chase. The Chase is the Bradley Walsh game show. I thought you were going to say the Bradley Walsh vehicle but I think everything on television is a Bradley Walsh vehicle Any particular shows you can then call Frank? I think he's no longer in Doctor Who Oh is he not? No he's gone

He's been replaced by John Bishop. Oh, okay. Anyway, Callum says I got this question right watching The Chase tonight entirely thanks to the Frank Skinner podcast. I'm going to read the question out

but to give you a clue, the hashtag says Mon the Bead. Okay. Which is But to give you a clue, the hashtag says, Mon the Bead. OK. Which is a rallying cry I never thought I'd hear in my lifetime. No, indeed. What was the name of the Northumbrian monk who became a saint in 1899? The three options were A, Augustine. Would you say Augustine or Augustine?

Augustine. Augustine, good, I did that right. I mean, I worry about that. Other pronunciations I can live with, but not that one. To be fair... I'd say Augustine. Although it's a different Augustine. There's a Bob Dylan song, I dreamt I saw St Augustine.

He's what he... Oh, yes. To me, it sounds like a fruit. Oh, I'd have you tried those Augustines. Very juicy. So, Augustine B. Bede. Right. C. Cuthbert.

Oh. Cuthbert, I don't know. Cuthbert. That's not someone I went to school with. Cuthbert, what, did become a saint. He was sort of Bede's mentor. Ah. Oh.

He's also in Durham Cathedral. Is this a Mr Biaghi of Bede? Or maybe it's just the head. Some part of Saint Cuthbert. So we have, and the contestant got it correct? Well. Does that restore your faith in human nature? I thought the chase was all stuff like, you know,

name little mix. No, I think it's a bit harder. No, it's hard. Oh, I don't really watch the old... You'd be very good on the chase. You might get in on it now, because you've found out that it's harder general knowledge than you thought.

Yeah, exactly. Aye. It's a bit like intellectual shove-hapenny. That's what the board looks like to me. That's what put me off a bit, I think. Well, I don't like the fact that you have to play... Who are they, Al, the people you have to play? The chasers.

Oh, they're called the chasers. They're sort of mean, kind of comical, exaggeratedly mean people. Mean intellect. But that's how the British probably like to see people who know stuff. They're sort of spiteful, arrogant people. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. So we've heard from Peter Watson, and he's one of our listeners and we've been talking about Amy MacDonald and your childhood crush on her. And Peter Watson has got in touch to say just a little reminder to Frank that Amy MacDonald is a Scottish singer about half his age. Well, she's 79. It's a very loose use of the word about. There's another Amy MacDonald, isn't there?

Confusingly, also, well, is she a singer? The Amy MacDonald, your Amy, we'll call her. Is she a singer, actress, singer? Well, she was certainly an actress I remember her maybe even early on this was part of

the attraction she was always in the company of comedians because she used to she was quite tell me about her dear she used to be like part of

the whole British satire movement but also danced fabulously and I think she sang as well she was one of those you know all-round talent triple threat this was in the days when people like to see talent on television rather than people who they might see at the bus stop yeah so but that's all that's gone and it's probably

for the best I think talented people had a good run. It's about time the others had their chance. That's fair play. Yeah. I mean, it's the whole sort of competition winner theory. Good on them, I say. And it's given me a lot more time with my family. We've got some Nicholas Whitchell updates

Nicholas Whitchell updates Can I say Yeah I don't want this Nicholas Whitchell thing to turn into a A Whitchell hunt A Whitchell hunt Can you believe that Alan Cochran jumped in on my punchline

and said a witch or a hunter? I didn't know that you were going to play the jingle. I thought you were pausing for me to fill it in. I'll set it up. I can't believe it. All the old standards are dying out. Go on now, what's the update? Well, it's quite polarising depending on your politics.

Oh, there's some pro-Witchell, isn't it? I don't know. I don't know enough about this moment in history, but 694 has texted, Morning, Frank. Back in the days of the print dispute, Mr. Witchell was called Witchell the Weasel because he crossed the picket line at whopping.

My dad always shouts at the telly, Witchell the Weasel, every time he appears. And then there's some praise that I will not read. What, for witchel or for us? No, for us, for us. Well, look, I don't want to drag up his past. And we don't know that happened. And also I'm too obsessed with his present.

Frank, in other news, we've got some very exciting Beads World. I don't want to get you too excited. How's it going? There's some Mark Nixon Beads World slash Jarrow Hall. I'm just saying there's a local, there's someone with an inn. It's just a 10-minute drive from me. Go to why?

Visitor centre with an Anglo-Saxon village and farm. Yeah, I understand. And the ruins of the old monastery. I'm just saying Mark Nixon is down the road if you, you know, need a friend in the area. I was there. What was it? About two years ago, I suppose.

18 months. Just pre-COVID. I don't know. I don't remember when you went to see B-World. Pre-COVID. We were both driven there by the plague. Oh, no, actually, I think it was my tour manager. I've had a present sent to me from, it just says, an avid reader.

An anonymous gift has arrived. And it's a bunch of old Elvis monthlies. Now, the Elvis monthly I used to have, it was regularly, it was like a little pocket-sized Elvis magazine with the dotted I on Elvis is a disc, a vinyl disc with a crown on top come on anyway um this person um um sadly their their um mother died recently and they have found uh this amongst

their things and and sent these this collection to me So this is, for example, April 1980 copy of, listen, that's it, Elvis monthly, begins with an editorial by Gordon Minto, who's furious. One area of Elvis's career interests me more than any other, and that is his recording career. Unfortunately, this is one of the few aspects of his life that his friends, and those who claim to be his friends, have chosen not to write about, preferring to concentrate their attention on sensationalising and distorting aspects of his personal life. With one aim in mind to profit financially. Exactly. Very much.

Angry. Angry there. Angry Elvis Montley. But thank you very much for that, an avid reader. I, I, I. Who do you think was trying to profit? Do you think it was people

hanging around hotel lobbies? Yeah. Yeah. Working. Freaks. Taking your baggage up to your room. These are excerpts we should say from a... A speech that Elvis did when someone in the press

had suggested he was strung out on drugs. And has he been strung out, Frank? What did he say? He said he's only ever been strung out on music, was what he'd say. The truth is, as much as i love the music of elvis press so the private life is sort of marvelous as well not so much bothered about the drugs but just shooting coke cans off the roofs of cadillacs at three o'clock in the morning doing karate

and sunglasses and stuff yeah turning up at car crashes with a big torch and a police badge with a big torch and a police badge. I'm wearing a cloak as well. I'm wearing a cloak IRL. I wouldn't want to lose that aspect of Elvis because I do, as much as I love the music, that part of it. Also, I do love the fact that everyone was so fashionable and it was all sort of Kennedy and it was all...

And the photo I've got seen of him is with Nixon as well which I like that he chose the wrong president. That he opened Nixon's drawer where he keeps his badges and souvenirs and said what else you got in there? I got some these guys have got girlfriends wives too you know

started taking presidential merchandise out on his own Let's not lose that Minto taking presidential merchandise out on his own. Let's not lose that Minto. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or you can email us direct on frank at absoluteradio.co.uk I'd like to bring something to your attention. If I asked you who Tom Hanks' hero was, I bet you'd probably pick an actor or maybe even a writer,

but you'd be wrong because Tom Hanks has a hero, a man in Edinburgh called Tom Hodges who owns a bookshop. Tom H and Tom H. I'm liking it so far. And they've got more than that in common. They both love typewriters. I couldn't say it then. I it so far. And they've got more than that in common. They both love typewriters.

I couldn't say it then. I got so excited. They both love typewriters. Oh, I love typewriters. Tom Hanks has written to him. I'll try and join the gang of the THs. No, you don't. You've just said that.

I can't be a Tom H, but I have a collection. I've got three. Of typewriters? Oh, but you like typewriter juggling, don't you? And you can't do four. I've got an Olivetti Lettera 32 and an Olympia SM. Oh, I don't go all man in a bar. You're hitting on me when you say it.

I've got quite a respectable three-ball cascade, and I can juggle four. I know, but now you're talking about juggling. Al, I don't know if you know, but Al is a proper juggler. It's a skill that is somewhat wasted on radio. It is. You could argue. I've been doing it since the start of today's show,

but nobody knows. It's a skill I've long admired. I've probably told you before that Mark Heap, the actor, who was in Green Wing and also something else, but he's a very, very funny actor, used to be in a travelling troupe called the Medieval Players and he did some fabulous comedy juggling. Oh, absolutely. So W.C. Field started instead of Comedy Juggler. Anyway, sorry, I digress. We're discussing typewriters.

Tom Hanks thanked the chap in Edinburgh for, quote, keeping typewriters alive. I hope he says Hanks instead of thanks. Do you, Hanks? That would be a good typo. Yeah, Hanks. Oh, exactly. If he did that as an intentional typo every time. Or he could...

Hanks, Tom. Hanks, Tom. Yeah. He could Tipex out the T. I mean, that's another joy of the typewriter. The old Tipex is out. Tom Hodges. They don't like it, do they?

Yes. Did you see he pointed out, which I liked, he said the letter that Tom, that Hanks, Tom, had sent him, he was very impressed. He felt it was evidence, didn't he, Al, that he was a true sort of typewriting aficionado because he used the Xs, which is the real purists. Oh, for casting out.

The Xs, because the tip X interferes with the mechanics. Brilliant. Brilliant. Okay. I went out with a woman who could do 100 words a minute. I think she could type as well. Yeah. But no, she could type 100 words a minute.

I mean, honestly, thanks. And when you... New Faces, 1974. And when, yeah, they would have got around on there. Would have got around. Yeah, they would have got around on there. Would have got around. Honestly, she would start doing it,

and it looked like, and I thought, this is going to be gibberish. First time I saw her do it, I thought she's messing around. It was still impressive, even then. And then when I looked at it, it had got sort of paragraphs and underscoring. Wow. I think there might have been ellipsis. Don't quote me on that. I hope not.

I'd love to be able to do 100 Words of Minnie. So would I. I've always quite fancied shorthand as well. What I need is a secretarial course. Do they still exist? Are there secretarial colleges? Well, during the enforced... Well, when we were at home, essentially,

last year during lockdown, I decided to teach myself to touch type. Oh, yeah. Yes. But not on a manual typewriter. No, no. And do you know, I got very quick. Manual typewriter is that little old Jewish man

that lives at the end of our road but still not quite as quick as I do just scattergun approach I'm afraid you see I can never get but I mean it is all the youth I've noticed the producer these people they do

automatically raised on the keyboard they do they touch type automatically I find yeah but there's something about doing it on a manual type the sound of someone typing that fast

is unbelievable it is very Ernest Hemingway oh and the little bing at the end of the turn me on sir you're turning me on oh dear

sorry Oh, dear, you're turning me on. Oh, dear. Sorry. Friendship on Absolute Radio. Yeah, we were on about... He's got some typewriters, really. Yes, and we should say, well, you explained it really well, but essentially this Tom Hodges is a huge typewriter fan. And his bookshop in Edinburgh is called Type Wronger, or Type Wronger, as I would say, books. And I wanted to know, what did you two think of that,

as professional comics, as a pun? Because I couldn't help but feel, Al, I just worried it was the sort of thing I can imagine Frank doing, what I call an Andrew Lloyd Webber on that man turning up saying I've just had some ideas about how sir well how do you feel about type wronger as a play on type I can see as a play on type right I see what I think it might be about because at first you think well I don't want I don't want to read books that have been typed wronger. But I still use a manual typewriter on occasion. And I'll tell you what I really like about it

is you don't get this bully, this grammar and spelling bully standing over your shoulder saying, I'm all right, I don't want to think my spelling... But sometimes i make words up deliberately or i might decide you know to swap something round and say something like i don't know like musicness if i'm talking about instead of musicality and they don't like that and if we if we allow that if we just listen to Spellcheck and their comrades,

we're all going to end up writing exactly the same, and that's got to stop. Absolutely right. So maybe type wronger means that, A, you could write type wronger and it wouldn't be corrected, it wouldn't be read underlined. And sometimes typing wronger is typing writer. Oh, I like that. That's my view.

I tell you, next time in Edinburgh, I'm definitely checking out this bloke there. Did I tell you, when I first started getting typewriters, I went into Ryman's and asked if they had any typewriter ribbons, just as a sort of no way. And the bloke said, hold on a minute. And he went in the back and literally with dust on them, he bought out some typewriter ribbons.

He said, we've only got four, so I bought them all. Brilliant. What I liked about Tom Hodges, I do think he'd be a nice friend for you. Maybe. And I'll tell you why. You know, I don't really do the friends thing. No, but I think Tom Hodges is good because

there's an element of Gittishness which I enjoy. Oh, well that could be good. He said the reason this is cool for me is not the same as it is for everyone else. Right. He might be a big Hollywood actor, but for me it's just about his love of typewriters. There are a few typewriter geeks

such as Ben Ellisher in New Orleans and Luke Winter who has the Glasgow Story Wagon. Tom Hanks gets the crown. I like that he sort of lumped Tom Hanks in with Ben Ellisher and Luke Winter. He's just one of those

guys. People we've not heard of. But he thinks we have Al. He's very confident we will have. There's a Hanks app, which is, when you write, it gives you the typewriter sound and typewriter font. I have to say, I already had a typewriter app, which I think Tom just completely steamrolled

with his big Tom H name. But maybe he didn't do that deliberately. Everyone I know has met Tom Hanks says he's like the nicest man in the world. I know. So there you go. Which on one hand, Hanks on the other.

We're talking about Hanks, Tom, which is how we're hoping he signs off all his communiques. T. Hanks-esque, I'm guessing. What was nice about this, and I did think of you, Frank, when I saw this story, was that the letter that Tom Hanks sent to tom hodges thanking him for his letter obviously he typed it of course he said a brilliant thing whilst he was in the letter one of the things i loved i've read this so many times this letter he says uh i'm at it on the old smith

corona sterling and i loved that he was bonding with him in the way, it reminded me of I bet that's how Frank speaks to his Doctor Who community members that he'll say, don't know about you just got through a marathon of the old space pirates is that what you say on text? or something like that they say

I was being interviewed with Stephen Moffat once and I remember the interviewer said that the name Amy had risen up the popular name charts for little girls' names because, and they thought it was to do with Amy Pond, the character in Doctor Who at that time. And I remember turning in a very smarmy way to Steven Moffat and saying well that purple purple Gilliam didn't exactly catch on Julian that mate you're not no you're exactly that I am exactly that you're quite right your friend Julian

you have a lovely friendship based on Doctor Who don't you it's not just based on Doctor Who oh isn't it I remember Kat

saying that she thought he was too young for me to be my friend as a friend yeah so ok

I don't know the difference between Sarah's my friend she's young different typewriters it's very niche So, OK. I don't know the difference. Sarah's my friend. She's young. Different typewriters. It's very niche, isn't it, the knowledge? Like, I only know the typey ones and the ones that you slap that big cartridge thing on the top.

Oh, yeah. That's how I divide typewriters. I mean, I've never really worked out what is the sort of you know the Les Paul or the Stratocaster I just think you get lucky second hand shops I looked at one the other day 99 quid in my local charity

shop but I could see the N key the N key was not a happy key well you know Tom Hodges uses the Remington Noiseless. Oh. Yeah, I believe. Ironically, I've heard that.

I heard that he liked it so much he bought the company. The Remington guys are flying around. I worked with a woman when I was a teacher, and she was a fabulous typer, but she'd been to secretarial college, which she was slightly mocked for, I remember, by some of the other teachers. Because she did the teacher training, and then she went...

And she was one of these women that, in her files, she had those, you know, those different coloured tabs that stick out with writing on and that. And she told me once, in a moment of um when i say intimacy we're in the staff room that the she used a different colored um paper clips to signify different topics i mean fancy i mean she i felt because of her secretarial skills she had access and a sort of right to places in the stationary shop, which I didn't feel I could really go. She was the first woman I ever saw with pink stickies.

Do you remember they started out? Oh, Frank. What? You did get intimate. What? No. No, you know, the yellow stickies was all the thing and that was it. I thought that was it. I thought that was it.

I thought that's it. They've coloured their stickies and that's it. Why did you see them in the stationary cupboard? No, she had pink stickies. Okay, okay. Why do you have to see? I just think sometimes, you know. Well, I think you need to look in the mirror, lady.

Well, I think you need to look in the mirror, lady. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Whilst we're on the subject of... I hope it's chips. It's chips. Oh.

Whilst we're on the subject, whilst we're residing in showbiz corner, can we also discuss Hugh Jackman, who I would say is also a contender for nicest man ever. Is he really? Oh, yes. You never hear a bad word about Jackman. Oh, OK. I don't really know anyone who knows Hugh Jackman. I've met him actually once. Oh, OK.

At an airline lounge, I won't really know anyone who knows Hugh Jackman. I've met him actually once. Oh, okay. At an airline lounge, I won't lie. And charming, doesn't even come close. Okay. The man was so charming and I knew that because I was the only non-celebrity in the room, as is often the case, and he made an effort with me and that is how I will judge people. Thank you.

Hugh Jackman had an injury this week, which might be the most brilliantly theatrical injury I've ever encountered. And that's saying something. He was rehearsing for, is it The Music Man on Broadway? Oh, yeah, The Music Man. And he revealed a cut on his nose, which apparently he'd got

from a boater. A straw boater. I'm going to call it, I've christened it a nasty nick. Oh, very good look, yeah. And he had tossed the boater in the air several times and unfortunately I think it

hit him literally on the bridge. The rim of the boater caught the bridge of his nose and split it. Who knew? It's interesting. This is a bloke who has been Wolverine in, I don't know, half a dozen films. And I thought, oh, he's probably never hurt himself so i looked it up apparently he's covered in scars from his wolverine claws he used to wear them at home to get used to them he's because then he's got cuts all over his legs he's got a thing in his forehead but also what

about this he sort of forgot he was wearing them i think and he completely pierced one of his cheeks with his Wolverine claw. So I suggest he says no when he's offered the lead in the Fill the Power Taylor biopic. Which is just a matter of time, I would have thought. What's he going to sing to?

You've got the power. Please tell me that was his walk-on music. That was, of course, his walk-on music. He could have gone Jennifer Roche. Cos I'm your lady. He told me about that. He got in a mate's car and he could feel the crunch of CD cases under his feet,

you know, when you get in someone's car. And he picked them up and he said, what's this one? You got the power. He says, I like this. The crunch of CD. He said to his mate, I like this one. This is a good one. I might use this.

And that's how Phil the Power became Phil the Power. No. Yeah. Now, soon to be played by Hugh Jackman. That's it. The rumour has started. We're just talking about James Bond, actually. I remembered something.

I was watching Live and Let Die last week. Yeah. And he's paragliding. He paraglides into this place you know to be secret and it cuts to him

to be secret yeah you know it's his thing James Bond a union guy very secret very secret man

and they cut to him on the paragliding thing he's smoking a cigar paraglides smoking a cigar. A paraglider smoking a cigar. It's got to be dangerous, hasn't it? And also it might alert the security. They might smell the cigar. Yeah, they might smell a cigar.

Skybound smoke alarms they might have. Well, we're talking about James Bond, which is relevant because we're also obviously talking about Hugh Jackman's Bosa injury, which was an odd jobian injury. Yeah, that's true. He's lucky he didn't have a job on Peaky Blinders because their hats have got a razor blade hidden in them. They're very peaky. Odd job, we should say. He very much sits in the hat injury chair, doesn't he?

Oh, yeah. Well, he inflicted hat injuries rather than received them. Oh, of course. He had a good life, Oddjob. But then it was cut short, I believe. Yeah. But he... Yeah.

Watch it. No, no, he was electrocuted. Poor old Oddjob. Well, not just that. He was electrocuted. Poor old odd job. Well, not just that. He was electrocuted and it's a bit... I do think the old finger was a bit unimaginative with the names because he just literally called him odd job. I mean, is that what he did?

Does he have, like, gardener, cleaner? Yeah, I don't know. He was very much a villain hoisted by his own patard he went to get the metal rimmed hat off the electric is that what happened

yeah oh I'd forgotten how he met Ed hopefully that hasn't come as too much of a shock sorry I didn't know that's how he met

his maker I had an interesting theatrical injury I had to bear my behind on stage every night in the West End.

I saw it five times. At the Whitehall Theatre. And I actually reacted to the detergent they washed my satin trousers in. And I ended up with, how can I put this, my behind looked a bit like a mandrill. Oh. You know the mandrill monkey? I see, yeah. So a bit like a mandrill. Oh. You know the mandrill monkey? I see, yeah. So it was like a mandrill.

It was touched for the very first time. No, it was very inflamed indeed. And every time I had to bear my bottom on stage, I thought, oh, I hope the inflammation has not yet reached the point where it can be seen from the upper balcony. Yeah, that's not what you want in the reviews, is it? Oh, no. Mandrill.

Yeah, who let Mandrill bomb in? I don't want that. Yeah. Heavy's living monkey, I recall. So, I... Quote me on that. The Guardian. Heavy's living monkey.

But you know what I liked? When I heard this, Hugh Jackman put up a little video, didn't he, Al? Yeah. Telling the story, and I thought I was pleased for him because I liked H.J. when I met him. That's nice.

And I feel that if there's anything an actor loves, it's a theatrical mishap story. Mm-hm, yes. And what's... I mean, we've all got one, dear, but what I like about this is that Brian Blessed will come in and try and own the theatrical mishap story, but this is a nice one that he's got in his little arsenal.

Yeah, and it shows the straw boater is a dangerous thing. I mean, Top Cat, the bridge of Top Cat's nose was like a toast rack. So watch out, kids, for those straw boater. Straw boater, of course, wants the South African Minister of Agriculture. I thank you, by the way, to the reader who signed their letter, your listener who sent me most sinister sign off ever

who sent it what about this begins not my thing bought in a job lot thought you might like it can you guess what it is we'll have answers next week

okay okay remind me okay thank you so much for listening you know what if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Come on, you baggies.

Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.