The Gargle - Cryptocurrency Collector's Edition! (Part 2)

Episode Date: October 21, 2021

Crypto experts Josh Gondelman and Alison Spittle join host Alice Fraser for part 2 of a special cryptocurrency-themed episode of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics!⭐ Reviews💰 Crypto utopias🤑 Crypto scams🧜‍♀️ and more! 👻 Come back next week for our spooky Halloween collector's edition special with Helen Zaltzman and John-Luke Roberts!This episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. Welcome to part two of our special cryptocurrency collector's edition of The Gargle, where I'm joined by crypto experts Josh Gondelman and Alison Spittel. Coming up shortly, we'll have crypto utopia and crypto scam news for them. So let's get straight back into it with our reviews section. news for them. So let's get straight back into it with our reviews section. Well, that's all the time we have for our current cryptocurrency news section, because now it's time for your reviews. As you know, each week we ask our excellent guest editors to bring in something to review out of five stars. Alison Spittel, what have you brought in to review?

Because it's a money, it's a cryptocurrency special, I have decided to review keeping coins in your bra. I am a bra owner and a coin holder as well. And I've decided to combine the two. I've always been a person that has kept stuff in my bra. People have been a bit freaked out by that. But, you know, it's nature's pockets. Like I do see it as a, you know, a gift.

And the thing i want to review is uh putting coins in your bra if you leave them in for all day and then take it off number one it feels amazing because you take your bra off and all you can hear is coins fall you feel like you've just done really well at a game or something like that you feel like sonic the hedgehog or something i've used the pickup line, play your cards right, and I pay out like a slot machine. Yeah. Do you know what?

It's nice to bring the fun of an arcade game, you know, to the end of the day with a penny drop. What I love as well is that they leave little markings behind. So sometimes green, which freaks me out, but apparently it's the type of metal in the coin but i end up looking like an inverted mr blobby if i keep too many uh coins on me josh mr blobby was a was a uh children's cartoon no he's not a cartoon it's a real person who used to basically f up shit on kids tv and people used to love it. And he's got like dots all over him.

And that's, that's, that's, that's, that's what I, that's, that's my review. I'm going to give it 3.5.

He looks like a Japanese mascot for diseased penis treatments. Big time. Yes. Big time. I'm picturing him. The only cons is that it's really kind of frowned upon to, to pay someone out of your bra straight away like if you if you go to take coins out of your bra and give it to someone at a garage you know there's no more

nice small talk it's it's quite angry at that point it's something about the body temperature that creeps people out i think people have a strong sense of what temperature money should be but my tits are a cleaner than my hands like that's what they should i read that scientific study yeah yeah you know i know where my tits have been i don't know where my hands have been half the time with what they're judging my i haven't rubbed my tit off the side of a banister you know going down a metro or something like that but i have with my hand. So I think it's cleaner.

I genuinely think we need to get over, get over tit sweat and just get on with our lives. How many stars? I'm going to go for 3.5. I've just got the image of me rubbing my tit along the banister of a busy subway. Just going, you need to get over yourselves, guys. I'm an anti-masker for tits. This is for your own good.

In my day, you know, when I was a kid, we used to rub our tits off everything and we were fine. I've just had a horrific thought. Yeah, what? Was Mr Blobby a real-life diseased, unsolicited dick pic turning up to see Noel Edmonds? What? Yeah. Didn't Noel Edmonds believe in, like, the wish or something?

Or what's it called? The secret. The power of positive thinking where he's like, I'd really love a really angry diseased penis to turn up today and just mess up my house party but jokes on him he wished for a diseased pianist he was he was trying to wish ill on josh groban Scrobin. Excellent. And Josh Conlaman, what did you bring in for us?

I came here similarly just to review the concept of coins with no bras involved. So here's what I think about coins overall. It's just a medium of currency. Excellent sound, right? They make a great sound. Decent to touch. Horrible smell. Worst taste.

Fun at arcades and casinos. They let magicians and wealthy ducks think they're better than us. Still good for a wish in any fountain, which I appreciate. Although, because of inflation, it now costs several dozen quarters for a wish. I say two stars. Not great, not terrible. Coins, two stars. Even when they didn't come out of a bra. I find that society really hates when people throw coins.

They get quite like, oh my god, he threw a coin. Very disrespectful. Yeah. Treating people like they're fountains or something like that, you know? That's what it is. You're like, what do you think, I'm a fountain? Yes. It feels like something Joe Pesci would get mad about in a movie. Like, what are you throwing the coins for? You think he's a fountain? Make a wish, buddy. Bang, bang, bang. What do you mean I look like a fountain to you? I look like I'm in the middle of a mall.

Children are gathered around me. I'm spitting water out of my mouth. Allison, that's such a good point. Anytime you picture someone throwing change, you just picture like the villain in a children's movie like keep the change. Just like whipping 11 cents at somebody they're quite hard they're very hard but hold on throwing change uh disrespectful peeling off dollar bills throwing them in the air celebratory now we're at a strip club it It's Drake's birthday. Oh, could you imagine being a stripper and people were paying you for coins? I'd be like, no.

Get notes. Get notes. That shit bruises. Well, see, in Australia, the smallest note we have is the $5 note. And all of our ones and twos are coins. So strip clubs are a lot more dangerous. What do people do at strip clubs? I think they give uh decent tips

honestly i think we've got to consider that is just start making bills start higher and then it's just like so yeah then then when you're like oh here just keep the change you're like wow 100 you just bought a Snickers bar. That's all the time we have for your reviews section now because now it's time for our crypto utopian section. I love crypto utopias because so often when they are explained, they reveal themselves to be the deeply upsetting crypto dystopias that they are on the underneath. And they're all these like incredibly hopeful young men

who haven't thought about how people work at all. Josh Gonneman, what's your favorite crypto utopia? So I have two. My first one, I think the most beautiful thing about an all crypto future will be how skinny our wallets will be. I think that's an underexpressed benefit of crypto, right? So much pocket and purse space without bills and credit cards, put way less strain on our pants. You won't have that wallet outlined on your back pocket, stressing your pants. I think that's incredible. Second thing, I think it'll be nice to get to pay

for very serious things in a whimsical way. I think that's just going to raise our general level of serotonin and good feeling a little bit like you go to a funeral home you're like i'd like to purchase this burial plot for my beloved husband and i'm going to pay for it with the picture of a frog riding a turtle i just think it makes that occasion a little less bleak. It does. It does. Alice Spittel, what's your favorite crypto utopia? So I have two things, but my favorite thing is that the Catholic Church have had to have a conversation

on what do they think of cryptocurrency, which is hilarious because I think they should be having conversations about a lot more stuff than cryptocurrency. The other thing is that the Pope is considering a Catholic Bitcoin. And I think that's great. I mean, they're sick of Nazi gold and they need to get into new ways. And those gold bars that they stole from people, you know, they need to change into Bitcoin.

And I think that's good for them. I think they've been so good at turning imaginary things into real money for thousands of years. I think this is the next great step for them. So, so good. So good. And they're great at hiding money. They're great at hiding money.

That's why they have the long skirts. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts here's a show that we recommend every sport has their big juicy controversy boxing has the mike tyson ear bite cycling has lance armstrong baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com That's all the time we have for our Crypto Utopia section, because now it's time for our crypto scams this is the things that have gone wrong with this ungo wrongable technology josh gondelman what's your favorite crypto scam i've been doing a lot of research into this field because i tried to google crypto not scam which weirdly brought up a lot of scams. But one that I've found that I'm really fascinated with, there's been a podcast, I guess. We'll get to that in a minute. I mean, you're asking a lot of questions that are already answered by my website entitled,

This is not a crypto scam. This is not a crypto scam.com. This is not a crypto scam dot com. This is not a dot scam. Legitimate cryptocurrency dot for real. At angelfire.co. Speaking of leveling the playing field and gender parity and cryptocurrency, a woman named Ruja or Ruha Ignatova was known as the fake crypto queen. She had a Ponzi scheme called OneCoin, which she said was a cryptocurrency to rival Bitcoin.

And she got people to invest billions in this fake cryptocurrency. So first of all, OK, girl boss, get it, get that money. It's the new decade where this, I guess this is 2019, but it was like, yeah, women can run Ponzi scams too now, okay? It's not just old white men anymore. Get these gatekeepers out of the way. Elizabeth Holmes from Theranos must have been so jealous when she saw the scheme because she had to at least build fake medical devices. A crypto scam is just like I sold you something that's worth nothing and it wasn't anything like there was no proof of it. It was just like, yeah, that's where your billion dollars is now. You can tell it's secure because you can't see or touch it.

Exactly right. That's how secure it is. As you know from my website, securemoney.safe.legitimate. At lycos.org. There was a podcast about her, as I mentioned, which is how you know you made it as a criminal, right? about her as i mentioned which is how you know you made it as a criminal right like if you commit some kind of massive financial fraud and they don't turn it into a podcast you might as well just get a regular job like go sell insurance work at a bank for real you didn't do it on a big enough scale she disappeared a couple years ago much like the feeling of joy and all the

pomegranate juice people were drinking in like 2013. Where did all the juice go? Did we put it back in the pomegranates? Did we decide we were pro-oxidants now? Look, I like oxygen in many contexts. I feel like that wouldn't surprise me. So I guess this all goes to say, how is what she did different than regular cryptocurrency? I don't know yeah i also don't know and that i think is the wonder of that particular scam like it could have been real

you know it still could be real but it's not my favorite crypto scam is just a question on reddit from a mother whose daughter has been selling crypto to the people at church but she's sold more crypto than she has and all of the comments underneath are just your daughter's running a ponzi scheme but it's like i feel like money like this is kind of the a fundamental point of cryptocurrency right we're like money is an imagine a concept we made up. So and we made up crypto to be more like secure and just like a concept we all agree on what's backing it. But like who's to say that's more crypto than she has? I can't see it. Maybe she has that much crypto and she just hadn't told us about it before.

Maybe she found some crypto under the couch or something. I feel like cryptocurrency is something that could only have been invented with the idea of a kind of a judeo-christian afterlife you know i feel like the idea that you can buy something now and get it up to you after like way later it's invisible but it's there yeah didn't didn't the catholics do that wasn't that i thing they sold? What was it called again? There was a concept. Jesus. Well, I mean, talk about inflation. There's a lot of body going around. Right. That's absolutely right.

You'd think the average communion wafer, because of inflation, that's not worth any Jesus at all by this point. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's where Bitcoin won out. They've got a cap on the absolute total amount that you can ever mine. But you can mine Jesus forever. A Eucharist is bite coin. When I was a kid, I genuinely did think how much of Jesus is there to go around.

Because you're eating uh because you're eating them and you're supposed to be eating the body and blood of jesus christ and i don't know about you but there's a lot of catholics in the world like i you know they at least in ireland there are and i was always like what what part am i getting you know yeah communion is the um greatest argument against fat shaming i will i think the blood makes more sense like have you ever gotten one of those paper cuts and it's like how much blood is in me and so i get that yeah yeah yeah and like you know you can keep you know you make blood again you can keep going like uh people in the famine in ireland they used to cut like the side of cows

so they wouldn't die but they would like eat the sorry I don't know why I'm bringing that up are you suggesting that Jesus is being kept in a basement and harvested I'm so sorry to anyone who's religious listening to me yeah me too I am no do you know what I'm sorry but I'm also jealous of you, okay? Like, I really want to believe in an afterlife. And all of these jokes is just out of jealousy. This is what I'm doing. This does sound like a crossover between the Bible and the hostile movies. Kind of a grittier reboot of the Bible, which was pretty gritty to begin with.

I've got some issues with the Bible. How is Eve supposed to be responsible for taking the apple when she literally didn't know anything before she took the apple? You know? How is she supposed to know it's the wrong thing to do without the knowledge of what's right and what's wrong? Anyway, sorry. Alison Spittel, do you have anything that is a crypto scam that you have

been enjoying of late well this is a scam yes it's a it's a crypto scam it's a holly willoughby who is a tv presenter in the united kingdom she's like a a morning tv presenter she's the face that we all know and love she's also i i have stayed in a b&B that had the Holly Willoughby suite. And it's because she stayed there once. And now they've put lots of pictures of her up there. Quite haunting, I would say, as a concept for a hotel. But Holly, look her up, Josh. She's a perfectly nice looking woman.

I definitely, if I went into a suite at a hotel or something that just had all pictures of one woman who looks, I would be like, did she die in here? And if she didn't, how long will it be till she does? Or till she kills me. She haunts the breakfast buffet. i'm learning about ireland is that's not impossible i know well this is scam called brexit millionaire and it has the face of holly willoughby on it and it said that she became a millionaire off this scam and they're trying to bring other people into the scam by uh by pretending that holly willoughby endorses this and this is like a a big long uh line of fake celeb endorsements for scams so there's been other kind of british celebrities

that have had this done like lord alan sugar gordon ramsey uh the duchess of sussex who i don't know who that is and martin lewis i know that person's related to, who I don't know who that is. And Martin Lewis. I know that person's related to the Queen, but I don't know who they are. But apparently they're saying that a member of the royal family got rich off this scam called the Brexit Millionaire. And I think, you know, who are they trying to get with that name of a scam called Brexit Millionaire? It is the dumbest of the dumb. I'm so sorry, but like it is.

it is the dumbest of the dumb I'm so sorry but like it is and I myself I'm not a celebrity but I have been used as the face of a scam before where someone has pretended to be me on Facebook and then went and messaged people that like my Facebook page and they've said hi I'm so happy that you're a fan of me I'm'm Alison Spittel. I'm sorry, but I'm in trouble at the moment. And could I have a hundred pounds wired to me? So people were like, Alison, is this you? They messaged me like the real Alison. And I thought about it and I was like, genuinely, I have needed a hundred pounds at different points in my life. They're very clever, those scammers.

Because if it was like Katy Perry or somebody, she'd be like, she doesn't need the money. But me, they'd be like, oh, she might. She hasn't been on TV in a while. She may need £100. So I don't know how I feel. I feel kind of like my ego is bruised and driven at the same time. I'm quite happy that that person thought i was famous enough to to to warrant scamming people but uh sad that also it would be kind of believable that i would

need money no allison i think that's first of all i think you should only be flattered by that because i've heard of that happening with like with people being like i'm just Justin Bieber. Can you send me like $100 or whatever? And so you are in that because you have to be so beloved for people to just want to send you money when they know you're already famous. So I think this is a huge compliment that someone would steal your identity for that scam. I mean, people wouldn't believe it if I did it because I've already got a Patreon. I'm already constantly asking for money i'm gonna be more believable if they're like hi this is allison the catholic church are suing me at the moment for the things that i've said on a podcast could you help me please i think that that does both of those those points are very good right

like at this point in history where if you're like like, hey, this is me, I'm on the internet, I need money. Yeah. People are going to be like, you're not even doing a podcast. There's no, there's no pictures of your feet. What's going on here? We know you have things to offer. Sometimes I worry about cryptocurrency because it is so potentially powerful and at the same

time, so potentially powerful and at the same time so potentially destructive and then people believe in it so strongly and I think well there must be something to it if people are kind of so behind it and then I think maybe the thing that's to it is not a good thing but then I remembered that people can believe in anything and as evidence I would like to cite off topic but I think relevant to podcast, this review of a chic fishtail blanket in which the person has said, one star, this shit is horrible. What are we doing to kids today?

The mermaid is considered the whore of the sea. The whore of the sea! And you want your daughters to mimic this. Have you lost your minds? Your daughter is not a fish whore. She's a human. Good point. And that to me is worth $100,000.

I'm just imagining Jessica Simpson eating some tuna. I heard this is the whore of the city. Jessica Simpson. Yeah, I could have imagined that. Just like the media being like, Jessica Simpson thinks tuna fish is mermaids. Yeah. The whore of the sea, that's wonderful.

It's so funny. And considering there's so many others that could be considered the whore of the sea. There's so much jizzing on eggs there's so much have you seen how fish procreate oh yeah you know it's just bukkake almost it's like most of the sea is just fish jizz like if you think about it not to mention mermaids are a sea creature that nobody has had sex with. Yes. And yeah, like if all fish are just jizzing into the sea, which they mostly are, really isn't the sea the whore of the sea? I laughed about that for three days. It was so funny.

It's so funny. The whore of the sea. It's just a beautiful, a tale oh my god incredible pun a beautiful tale that's all the time we have for the show today uh of course we are flipping through the classified section at the end of this collector's edition josh condleman have you got anything to plug oh my gosh i have my own podcast. It's called Make My Day. It's a comedy game show

where there's only one contestant so the contestant always wins. Alison Spittel, have you got anything to plug? I'm going to plug my podcast. I've got two. The Alison Spittel Show and Wheel of Misfortune

with Alison and Fern on BBC Sounds. I've just found out today that that's got commissions so we're definitely having a third series. Hey, congratulations. And also you can go see me

on tour in Ireland. I'm going to be in early October in and around Ireland. Aberystwyth as well. I'm doing the festival there and I'm doing some shows in London and Glasgow Comedy Festival

as well in November. Please check my website. I haven't updated it in years but i will now now that i've told you to go there well thank you for coming along to this special collector's edition this is an alice fraser and bugle podcasts production i am alice fraser find me online at at alliterative on twitter and instagram that's a-l-i-t-e-r-a-t-i-v-e or support me on patreon at patreon.com slash alice fraser it's a one-stop shop for all of my stand-up specials, podcasts, blogs, documentaries,

and my weekly Tea with Alice salons. I am on hiatus during October. The editor of this podcast is Ped Hunter and the executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.