The Gargle - Gig work | Mercury diamond | Olympics ceremony

Episode Date: August 1, 2024

Alice Tovey and Tom Neenan join host Alice Fraser for episode 168 of The Gargle. All of the news, with none of the politics.💰 Navy > gig work💎 Mercury diamond🇫🇷 Olympics ceremony🇳�� Norwegian guilt🥜 ReviewsWatch on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/@BuglePodcastWritten by Alice Fraser, Alice Tovey and Tom NeenanProduced by Ped Hunter, with executive production from Chris SkinnerHOW TO SUPPORT THE GARGLE- Keep The Gargle alive and well by joining Team Bugle with a one-off payment, or become a Team Bugler or Super Bugler to receive extra bonus treats!https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donate Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The crypt is dark and dank. You smell dust and rot. Cobwebs brush at your face and something skitters over your foot. As your eyes adjust to the light, the shadows become ghouls. You roll for initiative. It comes up three. The ghouls attack. You roll for defense. Two. Battered and embarrassed. You roll for attack. One. It's the ghouls turn to attack again and before you know it you

have to roll a death saving throw. You pick up the die but why bother? Why subject yourself to the humiliation of failure when you can just give up and then you sneeze and as your body jerks the die flies out of your hand it rolls it keeps rolling it stops your jaw drops you don't believe what you're seeing is that a natural 20 no it's the gargle welcome to the gargle the sonic glossy magazine to the Bugles audio newspaper for a visual world. All of the news, none of the politics. I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Tom Neenan. Welcome.

Thank you very much. Lovely to be here. And Alice Tovey. Welcome. Hello other Alice. Two Alice's, one pod. Let's go. I mean, this is an extraordinary thing as somebody who has been on a bill with seven Daves and I've never been on a bill with another Alice. This is a delight. We're coming for the Daves, Alice. This is the dawning of our age. This is Wonderland now, baby. It's ours. Before we roll the dice on this week's top stories, let's have a look at the front cover of this week's magazine. The front cover this week is La France posing in Olympic pageantry with the headlines scattered across the front cover. Put a rings on it, fashionable or faux pas, rhythmic gymnastics disaster, someone popped the ball, all that glitters

is not leotard, a guide to the best outfits to sweat through this quadrannual cycle, and I just wanted to keep it, how capitalism ruins relay races. And the satirical cartoon this week is that meme with the two Spider-Mans pointing at each other, but instead of Spider-Man, it is Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and pleasure, and Jesus. And the caption is Olympic fans discover the origins of Christian imagery. And that brings us to this week's top stories. Top story this week is a Navy ad in the US which presents gig work as an unregulated dystopian hellscape. Alice Tovey, you'll hold your breath when you go underwater. Can you unpack this story for us? Yeah, sure do. So good news for any Americans listening. War, it's still super profitable.

So if you're looking for a new job, why not build a submarine? So this ad, it shows a disenfranchised Rosie the Riveter enduring the horrors of the gig economy. Like truly, it's the shallowest grab at feminist iconography since the new Katy Perry single. Like, it's shocking. And look, I'm a comedy writer, so I'm in this gig economy of sorts, except you're paid in beer and casual misogyny. So I went to this website that they had in the ad and checked out to see if they had

a job for me. Has anyone else gone to the website? It's pretty full on. So when you go on, you can compare how much you make at your current job to what you'd make manufacturing submarines and some of the job options you can compare. You've got retail worker, influencer, and real estate agent asking the eternal question, what is the worth of a real estate agent? I honestly think you could just cut military costs by shooting real estate agents out of enemy

vessels or into them rather. I'm in Australia, Alice, you're Australian, we're the two Australian Alice's. They've got it all wrong. military might, it's not about building submarines, it's about promising to one day build a submarine every five years like a child's Christmas wish. Yes, Australia has been extremely good at never producing a submarine. It's a national sport, I'm surprised it's not on the Olympic podium. We're currently feeding the entirety of Adelaide into a woodchipper that says probably submarines at some point in the future, but maybe nuclear, which is fun. Adelaidean woodchips, very churchy.

Look, I never thought I'd say this, team, but I'm really, I'm disappointed in the military industrial complex. Like, we used to have the village people culturally appropriating and congregating with semen. Like propaganda, it used to slay. Like this propaganda, it barely scratches the surface. Yeah, you used to have Frank Sinatra tap dancing his way across the deck of a cardboard ship. All sorts of exciting stuff. And now what's gone wrong? Tom? Well, all I can say is I think you guys are lucky that

this American version actually seems almost sort of, I don't know, aspirational. In the UK we have a very different way of getting people to recruit to build submarines. Basically it's an advert and it's very grey, everything's very grey, and it's a young man and he says, I'm from a part of the northeast of England that's been chronically under financed by the British government for the last like 45 years and I've got nothing to do in my life and it's him and he's like kicking a can down a street and he goes my life was changed by the Royal Navy and then he's got his suit on and he's being it you know and it's amazing and it's so aspirational.

And so I think actually, at least this version is kind of like, well, we're all part of the gig economy. And also it doesn't kind of, I guess, give that woman like a class, whereas definitely in the UK, we basically say, are you from a part of the Northeast which has been underfunded for decades? Why not shoot missiles or torpedoes at other people and find your

sense of self-worth that way? Is that better or worse? Well, that's a question for another day. I mean, it's missing a camp element for sure. Like kicking a can, like maybe a can-can, that could bring us back to the original kind of fabulousness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's, I'm not slaying, I'm afraid.

There's no slaying. It's not slain. It's, it's not given vibes. Have I served? Not just the military. Sorry for this accent work, everyone. Oh my god. I love it. I love it. I always find the symbolism of black and white or monochrome is very confusing because on one hand, you have black and white, you know, gray scaled out is indicative of depression, often male depression in an ad about male depression, but occasionally

it's indicative of poverty, for example, an advertisement about the Salvation Army, for example. But it can also be indicative of the good old times, oldie, ye old, history, which may or may not have been depressing. For example, you can be tap dancing on a cardboard boat or, you know, I've noticed in the Olympics when they're playing the childhoods of the Olympians, they'll often go to a sepia toned retrospective of movies that were 100% filmed on an iPhone. These are the children. And let's not forget as well, in the oeuvre of black and white, you've also got sexy sexy. You've got sexy erotica all filmed in black and white because everything looks better in black and white.

So when you go into your black and white image, will it be sort of a bucolic image of the past? Or will it be some naughty stuff going on on? I mean you're saying that like bucolic images aren't sexy. That is true rolling hills we love it. All of this brings me to the question of whether when dogs look through their grayscale eyes do they think they're looking into the past? Now that can we get some researchers on that? Your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy. When you brush your hair, do you get bitten less than you used to? Have you started wearing hats so Greek heroes won't notice how thin your snakes are getting? Hair loss affects almost 30% of gorgons over the age of 600, but it doesn't have to affect

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We got you, Rogers. NASA's Messenger mission has revealed that Mercury, which is the solar system's genius planet, may also be the solar system's most valuable planet, which is to say, apparently, it is made of diamond or covered in diamond. It has a 10-mile thick mantle of diamond, which I feel is sort of heartbreaking given that diamonds have already been massively devalued in the market due to the availability and cheapness of artificially created diamonds, thus putting the trad blood diamond out of business. Tom Leenan, you look up at the sky and wish you could put a ring on it.

Can you unpack this story for us. Certainly. Now, I'm not saying that the sun is trying to eat us, but all I'm saying is, if I was the sun and I wanted to eat humans, what I do is lure them towards me with a tiny little planet that is gilded in one of the most precious stones it's possible to have, and then I just wait for people to try and get them. So I think this is all a massive trap by the Sun to eat people,

because Mercury is apparently is now the most valuable planet. Can we value planets? I guess so. In the solar system. And they found this out because they recreated sort of the environment on Mercury. And what they did is they put, they applied incredible amounts of pressure to a sort of, what is it, a synthetic, what they call a silicate.

So it's like, this is what it would look like. And they kind of compressed it. And the amount they compressed it to was, if I've got this right, where are we, 7 gigapascals. And gigapascals is also what you'll see in the Olympic village at the minute. And it's basically they've done this and they've discovered that Mercury must be this incredibly precious, you know, that must be made of this mantle of incredibly precious

stone. And now, unfortunately, we're in a situation where no bride-to-be will ever be impressed by their engagement ring ever again, because they'll look down at it and go, yeah, it's all right, but it's not a planet. And so I'm afraid we're all doomed to to eternal disappointment. I don't know how you'd actually get at this, this like planets and everything because like how you'd actually go about mining it because I don't know what the isn't it like 4000 degrees Fahrenheit? Yeah, yeah, yeah, obviously, you don't mind it, you just go

there with a plain gold ring on your ring finger and then you set your hand against the surface of the planet and you go, I've got the biggest ring in the world. And you're going about it on Instagram. And then obviously you disintegrate into ashes because it's far too hot. But it's worth it for the likes, isn't it? It's worth it for the likes if you get that picture out there. I'd do it for the gram. Yeah.

Can I just say, aren't we lucky that it's not a giant emerald in the sky, otherwise Elon Musk would be on the next SpaceX craft just to pinch it out of the sky. It could be emeralds, it could be rubies, we're actually sort of missing out on what it could have been, which is any number of other things. What's the one that you have in Australia, is it? Oh, the Opal Mines of Coober Puddy. Opal, yes! Could it be an opal? Wouldn't that be exciting?

See, I'm pandering. Does that help? I think this is a great opportunity. Think about the intergalactic implications. Like, Mercury, it's named after the Roman god of shopkeepers, so it's just about to become the world's biggest jewellery store. You can swing by on the way back from sneaking around with your intergalactic mistress and present your angry space wife with a necklace. That'll shut her up. You know what they say, men are from Mars, women are from Venus, breakfast is from

Tiffany's. And now it's time for your reviews. As you know, each week your guest editors bring in something to review out of five stars. Tom, what have you brought in for us this week? A friend of mine was celebrating a birthday and that left me with the inenviable job of finding a birthday card for a man. So what I thought I'd do is I would review the three types of birthday cards that you can get for men. There are only three. So the first one is, it was a card, it was white with a cartoon of a beer on it, a cartoon sort of representation of a beer. It said, happy birthday, time for a beer. Then you open it up and there's a

sozzled man in the middle and it says, or ten. Ha ha, imagine. Sorry, Tom. What does sozzled mean? That's the first time I'm hearing that. Is it really? Yeah! Hang on. Am I- is there a- I am not pulling your leg. What's sozzled?

Sozzled is... drunk is dr- Have I found a euphemism for drunk that has not made it to Australia? That is- No, no. We're just- We're on the piss.

We're getting pissed. Like, we're very like down here when it comes to our drinking. I'm sorry. I thought sozzled meant like sexy dudes. I'm like, ooh, what a card, but sorry, continue your review. I thought sozzled meant too many sausages. Yes!

None of the above. You've sozzled up the barbecue. Yeah. I mean, you can do that as well, but this just means he's drunk. And so I'm going to give that, it's out of five, isn't it? So I'll give that one out of five because that was a bit uninspiring. The second type of birthday card for men was another one I can, and I'm going to paraphrase this one, but basically the vibe is, ha ha, I'm joshing you and we don't like each other,

kind of male joshing. And it's happy birthday, you piece of human filth. I hope you f***ing die you c***t. That's the tenor that they're going for with that one. And so I'm going to give that again one out of five because like while it's sort of funny in the shop if that person's having a bad day and maybe they look at that on their mantelpiece no one's going to be happy. It's more of a mother's day card.

Exactly, exactly. You, you gotta match the tone. Boys will do anything except write passionate homosocial poems to each other like the poets used to do. Exactly, and the last one is just a a cartoon of a man playing football. It's the one I went for, five out of five because it gave me a way out. Like you say, men should just be able to express their feelings. Those are my reviews. Wonderful reviews. Alice, what have you brought in for us? Yes, so today I'm reviewing a spoon of peanut butter. Nut butter, you know, nuts in my mouth because that's comedy, baby. So I have ADHD, so I'll forget to eat for hours at a time.

Not that I don't like food, I just have object permanence issues, so I forget that food exists if it's not in my line of vision. So knowing that spoon of peanut butter is always there for me is a real comfort. It's like a dog, but a dog you can eat, so a slow dog. So spoon of peanut butter, very important to our national identity as Australians. They famously fed it to Skippy the Bush kangaroo from the TV to make it look like he was talking in the world's most adorable act of animal cruelty. But, Spoon of Peanut Butter, beyond that, it's versatile. It plays well with others.

My personal favorite is Straight From the Jar at one in the morning. Spoon of Peanut Butter, good on toast, or as I call it, food missionary position. But you can also put it on apple for a treat, celery for a punishment. It's really, it's doing it all. I saw a top line Google result as well saying that eating a spoon of peanut butter or peanut butter rather can lower the overall risk of death by 21%.

So I've been lathering myself up with it and running head first into traffic, just mocking my fellow man with nutty immortality. So a spoon of peanut butter, I'm giving it four and a half stars, would be five, but I'm a bit cranky and probably need a spoon of peanut butter. Fair. Yeah, you can sort of, you can tell where you are in a kind of a ranking of having your life together by how you consume your spoon of peanut butter whether you really can make it all the way to the bread or whether it's like squirting honey directly into the jar

of peanut butter Some of us are in the gutter, but all of us are eating peanut butter from the jar And I'd like to apologize to anyone on the line who is allergic to peanuts I would get that even like a very small amount of peanuts can trigger an anaphylactic episode. So I hope that that's not an audio issue. I'd like, no, the half a star I left up was, you know, anaphylactic solidarity.

Sorry dudes. And that brings us to our next story, which is, we're to have to be quite careful to walk through this on the non-political side of things, but I figure it's newsy enough that this is worthwhile discussing, which is the depiction in the opening ceremony of the Paris Olympics that was not of the Last Supper. Alice, Toby, you have eaten supper before. Can you unpack this story for us?

Evie So every four years we light up a moral panic, and the Olympics, I don't know if you know this, it's gone woke. Like, can you believe? The Olympics! It's a historical event where men used to wrestle each other in the nud and graffitied on the wall that they had sex with other men, but it's woke now because of drag queens. So like you said, Alice, there's been this outrage because they said at the opening ceremony of the Olympics that they were making a mockery of the Last Supper. Would be outrageous, except it's not the Last Supper. It was a scene representing a bacchanal, which is a feast of the Olympians to welcome the god Dionysus arriving at the Olympics.

And if a bacchanal is woke, then get me the f*** out of bed. It's clearly not the Last Supper. There was a sexy smurf in the middle of it. The only similarity that it had to the Last Supper was a bunch of people around a table. If that's all it takes to do a Last Supper parody, then dogs playing poker is also a Last Supper parody. There were much more offensive things at the opening ceremony. They had minions at the opening ceremony. They had minions at the opening ceremony. Those little yellow f**kers have been driving suburban mothers to drink and post Facebook

memes for decades. The torch was lit and the flames of conservative rage went out about this drag thing. Lawrence Fox, who I'd not heard of until this, Tom, he's in the UK, you might have heard of him. I've read about him, he's a quote unquote activist and a c***, so no quotes needed for that one. He's just a fact, he is a c***. He tweeted all these things about the drag performers involved.

He's been successfully sued by a drag performer in the past for making libelous statements. So, I reckon we have a new Olympic event. So we have the 280 character defamation suit. So we wait to see what Laurence tweets out and see which queer artists can take home the most gold. But lots of people are tweeting about this because like they were, I heard someone say that it's the most like one of the most offensive things I've ever seen at the Olympics. An event which famously hosted Hitler in its in its crowd. So that is quite a statement.

Was he in a Wigan pumps? Exactly. He was very camp, but not he didn't, you know, that was the other end of things. Yeah, Lawrence Fox has been very vocal as well. Obviously things are different in England because we watched it and we were just overwhelmed by how French it was. It was the most French we've been exposed to in a long time since the opening of the Channel Tunnel. It was just, it was an overload of French and obviously we're going to find that offensive just on the level that it's not England, blah blah blah, blah, the Second World War.

So that's what we do. We get sort of riled up about that kind of thing. But as you say, they thought it was meant to represent the Last Supper and it didn't. It was the Feast of Dionysus. And it's not, you know, that's not the first time that we kind of made that mistake because I think someone got offended that they were trying to create the birth of Venus and what that was was actually just someone on Brighton Beach who'd stepped in sort of an oversized clam whilst I'm bathing and it happens a lot, you know, people and also you know, are you trying to recreate the Mona Lisa? No, that's just a brunette woman

who isn't sure if she's allowed to smile or not in male company. So, you know, people get, people are easily confused. I thought it was fine. I mean, the one problem is that obviously God is on their side because it was absolutely tipping it down with rain the whole ceremony. So clearly God didn't want it to happen, but in the true French fashion, they persevered anyway and defied the law of God and made something which is both beautiful and offensive, which is the most French thing of all. See I'm always accused of ripping off Picasso, but I just have unusual facial features. I think, I think my two favourite recreations of the birth of Venus in modern art are when Mr.

Darcy comes out of the pond in a wet shirt. My second favourite recreation of the birth of Venus is Daniel Craig coming out of his trunks in the ocean in James Bond. Stunning. Let's do that at the Olympics. I know the next one's in Brisbane, like surely we can wet up Daniel Craig for our enjoyment. And this brings us to our final story of this week's episode of The Gargle, which is the news that Norwegians are feeling incredibly guilty about being Norwegian.

Tom Neenan, you're riddled with guilt. Can you unpack this story for us? I am. Yeah, this is Norway reaching its, my biggest flaw is I'm a perfectionist level of annoyingness because as I discover there is one benefit to being British, which is we don't suffer from this because apparently people in Norway, if you think very guilty, that they're just too perfect. So there's this professor of Scandinavian literature at Oslo University. I'm going to try it. Elizabeth Oxfelt, which is a very Norwegian name.

I love it. And basically what this professor is proposing is that basically, oh god, they feel awful because they do things like they run like a budget surplus where like at the end of the year they've got like all this extra money and they don't know what to do with it. And they're like, oh guys. And especially seen as like the people next door are like, you know, or we always have to borrow money to, to get ourselves out debt.

And so they've, so this is apparently a phenomenon that's happening in Norway and they've like made dramas about it, about just everyone going around and wringing their hands going, oh God, I guess that we're just too good in a way. And, or like, I guess we're just too good in a way. And all I just beg them to have some iota of self-awareness, which I guess this is, but at the same time, you do just feel like, okay, we get it. You feel terrible.

This is like, it's not even a first world problem. You've somehow transcended the numbering of worlds into like an A star world problem, you've somehow transcended the numbering of worlds into like an A-star world problem where you're just like, you're too incredible to even exist on this planet. Anyway, you might have picked up on the fact that this is slightly annoyed me, because yeah, they're just like, Norway's just this incredible place where everyone should go and it just runs itself way too well and they feel so bad about it guys, so I guess, yeah, scientists are also in a similar thing working on them how to make a violin small enough for the people of Norway

one of the things they've done to try and assuage their uh guilt is that in March the Norwegian government said it had put a stop it stopped granting work permits for au pairs from the developing world because tabloid newspapers had dubbed the practice of bringing out nannies and au pairs from the developing world. They dubbed it West End slavery. So they just stopped bringing brown people in. Another thing that they might have done is institute a minimum f***ing wage, but it's much better to just keep those people out so that they don't come here and make us feel guilty, I think is the strategy. Alice? I'm learning so much. I'm bad at geography. I see all Europeans the way I see my laundry.

I don't separate my whites. And it turns out that Norway isn't just something Australians say when you tell them an amusing fact. It's crazy. But this whole story, it just gives me the energy. So I'm in Australia right now, it's winter, it's quite cold and there's a phenomena where all of the rich people you know, they go to Europe in July and just send you the, oh babe, no, I'm sorry Alice that you had pneumonia for two weeks. That must suck while

they're drinking Pinot Gris like f*** off Norway. Exactly I think that's something yeah we can all get behind the the the national slogan f*** off Norway especially during the Olympics when we're always come together and sort of enjoy uh you know. We can just go, look, you're not impressing anyone. You're putting out balloons outside the children's birthday party on the street and everyone's just looking at you going, okay, yeah, you spent a bit of extra money. No one's impressed. They're a very funny country to have beef with at the Olympics, just being like, boo, you're so chic. just being like, boo, you're so chic. The dramas are so brooding, boo. Ibsen's too brilliant a playwright.

And that brings us to the end of this week's episode of The Gargle. I'm flipping through the ad section at the back. Tom, have you got anything to plug? What shall I, as per on Instagram, I'd also encourage, I was going to do the other day, I did a podcast series called Tom Lean and it's not all men which is available wherever you get your podcasts Which I very much enjoyed doing and is is still available There if you want to give that a listen and also the haunting is available by audiobooks which is like my modern scary stories, which is a bit like Black Mirror, but with a

1000th of the budget and its only audio. So check those out, thank you. And Alice have you got anything to plug? Yeah so you can find all of my socials and my work at alice tovey dot com that's T-O-V-E-Y and Alice like Alice Fraser's first name. But I have I made a little horror movie so if you like horror movies I have a horror short on YouTube called Hen. It's about a yucky hen's night filled with penises and goo, so if that's your thing, look it up. And you'll find that I'm Alice Fraser.

You can find me online at patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. It's a one-stop shop full of my stand-up specials, podcasts and blogs, as well as my twice weekly writers meetings. If you are writing something or working on something creative or want to be working on something creative, come along and join us. It's a really lovely community and we have people who've gone from writing nothing at all to being regularly published. So that's a very heartening thing for me. That's so beautiful, Alice. Thank you. Also, this is the last week where you can sign up on unbound.com to get your name in the

Dancy Lagarde reader which is now known as a passion for passion so if you want your name in the book when it is printed we're locking everything in it's going it's going to the printers so please go to unbound.com and pre-purchase the book if you want your name in the back of the book you can there's an option that you can click there that allows you to be named. If of course you are a secret spy, you'll probably want to buy it after next week. Unbound.com and write in a passion for passion. This is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it

means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or fifty, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks and hikes, led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner. Peloton All Access Membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers.