The Gargle - Googly eyes | Ammo vending | Tradwife porn

Episode Date: January 3, 2025

Tom Neenan and Alison Spittle join host Alice Fraser for episode 188 of The Gargle - all of the news, and none of the politics.👀 Googly eyes🔫 Ammo vending ☎️ CEO crisis line👩🏻‍���� Tradwife porn🎬 ReviewsWatch on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/@BuglePodcastSupport Bugle podcasts here https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donateWritten by Alice Fraser, Tom Neenan and Alison SpittleProduced by Ped Hunter, with executive production from Chris SkinnerHOW TO SUPPORT THE GARGLE- Keep The Gargle alive and well by joining Team Bugle with a one-off payment, or become a Team Bugler or Super Bugler to receive extra bonus treats!https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donate Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Find your push. Find your power. Peloton has everything you need. Whenever you need it, find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. This is a podcast from The Bugle. A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a through emerald treetops and into a glistening clearing, where two figures stand, one proud and sleek, the other steady and cloaked in shimmering ancient shell. The hare, flawless, confident, a creature built for victory, speed, every step igniting the ground beneath him like fire, he grins a streak of silver and starlight. The turtle, calm, timeless, eyes that glow with the wisdom of centuries, beneath his ancient shell lies untold power, magic coiled like a dragon waiting to awaken they were destined to be

rivals but fate had other plans they met on a misty path a chance encounter the hair freezes mid strides enchanted by the turtles quiet knowing gaze the hair says you know you'll never beat me right the turtle says love isn't a race some races are about victory others are about victory, others are about the heart. Others are about the gargle. Welcome to the gargle, the Sonic Glossy magazine to the Bugles audio newspaper for Visual World, all of the news, none of the politics.

I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Tom Neenan. Welcome. Thank you very much indeed, delighted to be here. I know you wanted to hear more about the love story of the turtle and the hare, but it got pretty graphically pornographic from there on in. So it's good that the gargle- Thanks for letting me know how it works mechanically. Yeah.

And Alison Spittel, welcome. Hello, thanks so much for having me. It's lovely to be here. Yeah, I was very touched by that love story. Thank you. I think it's beautiful to think that all of Aesop's fables are secretly love stories. But before we learn a life lesson by plunging into this week's top stories, let's have a look at the front cover of the magazine. The front cover this week is the new year posing provocatively over the defeated corpse of the old year.

The satirical cartoon this week is a picture of a dog in front of a computer at a kitchen table saying, on the internet, nobody knows you're a dog in a kitchen that's on fire saying this is fine. That's a joke about two memes. And that brings us to this week's top story, googly eyes news now, the best kind of news. And this is the news that there's been a rash, a wave of googly eye graffiti in the city of Bend, which has a bent sense of humour, I guess. Tom Neenan, your eyes go up and down and side to side. Can you unpack this story for us?

I will do, certainly. So last time I was on The Gargle, I talked about how the onion was allowed to buy the Alex Jones's media empire. And I said that that was unequivocally good news and that it meant that some things good can still happen in this world that they only could buy Infowars. Anyway, they've been stopped from buying Infowars because someone at some point remembered that good things aren't allowed to happen. So people are really scaling back their positive news. So this is like that, but just on a much smaller level, which is in Oregon in a place called Bend, people have been putting googly eyes on statues. That's the level of whimsy we can expect to enjoy in this late-stage

capitalism nightmare we live in. But of course, the trouble is being late-stage capitalism nightmare, it costs money to remove the googly eyes. It costs $1,500, the equivalent to £1,188 because apparently it's hard to take a plastic googly-eye off a metal sculpture that's meant to be weathered and everything else. I'm not quite convinced by that. But then again, I live in a country where we once put a Mohican, a turf Mohican on a statue of Winston Churchill and a lot of people still haven't recovered from that. They still get the vapours even remembering that. So yeah, it's a nice bit of whimsy that the council for some reason don't enjoy as much. As someone who is constantly removing stickers from delicate objects in my household, you just need a warm towel and a bit of elbow grease.

That's all you need. None of this thousands of dollars of elaborate glue removing soluble nonsense. Just pull it off and see what's left and rub it off with your thumb. That's what I say. Well, what I love is someone rightfully pointed out on Facebook that it is free to leave it on. That is how you save the money by leaving the googly eyes on. I think councils and statues have always had a hard time. In my hometown, in Mullingar, we have a wonderful, Ireland's first pop star, Joe Dolan, there's a statue dedicated to him. But unfortunately, the stance that he's in, one of his hands

is in like an open clasped fist, so it can fit stuff into it. And Hen and Stag parties have taken full advantage of that. And yeah, so I think googly eyes are fine. You know, you can see the levels that people go to. Look at my hometown in Mullingar bend and feast your eyes on that and be happy for the googly eyes. The most graffiti adjacent I've ever gotten was climbing up one of the buildings of my university and putting an Okubra with corks, uh, on the head of one of the statues for Australia Day. It was very patriotic.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, to be fair, it was cause somebody had given me one and I thought, I will never wear this. I'm very un-Australian. But there is something, there is something sort of cosmically just about an Australian arriving in the UK and being like, yeah, this is mine, I'll put a hat on it. Turnabout is fair play, right?

It was probably a statue in the UK, they're probably bad people. It's like when I look at trains and they're named after people and then you Google it and my boyfriend is like, it's definitely a eugenicist. And I'm like, no. And it always is. Yeah, I think the problem is that all the people who want power, want power. Yeah. Yeah. It's a nightmare. Not good people. Maybe just like, we should restrict all of statues now to just horses. Even then, only

some horses should have statues made of them. That's my advice. I think if you're famous for being good, then you have to be bad. Yeah. Like the reward of goodness isn't fame. The reward of goodness is getting to sleep well at night, I assume. Obviously not the reward for being a good mother. The reward for being a good mother is never sleeping again. Bless. Your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy. This episode of the podcast

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If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered. with me. And that brings us to our next top story. And this is the news that there's a startup in America because of course there's a startup in America that's planning to put ammo vending machines in grocery stores. A lot of people, actually more people are killed by vending machines each year than you would think. And I think they're trying to quadruple that number. Alison Spittel, you've used a vending machine at a train station before, can you unpack this story for us? Yeah, so this is a startup that of course comes from Texas,

I think there's no other state that would have produced this startup. And it's the vending machines, I like petrol stations and they're giving you bullets. Now, one of the things that they're saying, oh, it's so safe, it's because it's the only way you can guarantee that ID will be used for buying bullets. And I think that's just a bad that is a bad sell. Now, like if I'm if I'm being frank, if you don't as a touring comedian and having to ease in garages, I do think buying bullets ease in garages. I do think buying bullets in a garage is probably one of the least bad things for your health

that you can do at a garage. Have you seen ginsders? You know, and now with the news lately, what I think they should do is beside the bullet vending machine, they should have a little engraving machine, like they do for pennies, remember? You could put a penny into a machine and write something on it. And, you know, I think denied to pose, we can get all the phrases. Live, laugh, love, pop them onto bullets. It would be beautiful. You're one stop shop for murdering with purpose through a vending machine. They're slightly worried that vending machines will lead to impulse bullet purchases. There's some concern, but I feel like that sort of misses the entire, surely the entire point

of a bullet vending machine is impulse purchases. This is like putting the bullets next to the checkout counter and covering them in candy. I don't understand, no one's doing a premeditated vending machine bullet purchase. Like that's, you buy your bullets on the internet, like, or you print them out by 3D print. I don't know how you get bullets. I live in Australia. We did the gun buy back thing and it worked quite well. I can just imagine like a person in the garage just goes, I've had a hard day. Reward myself with bullets.

Like it just feels so grim. I mean the thing is, there is already a bullet vending machine. It's called a gun. They fire out bullets really quickly. You know how much it costs? One disrespect. One disrespect equals one bullet. That's how I think of it anyway, because I'm hardcore.

You are. Genuinely, if someone referred to their gun as a vending machine of justice, I would be so scared of them. That's what it is. That's what it is. What have you selected? D6 for retribution. It's coming right at you.

I'm laughing, but I'm horrified. I mean, but the reality is, if these vending machines become widespread, we will at some point see the first person killed by a vending machine full of bullets. And it will be a tragedy, but also it'll be very funny. but also it'll be very funny. And that brings us to our reviews section. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors to bring in something to review out of five stars. Tom, what have you brought in for us this week? Well, we're looking forward to 2025 with our reviews, maybe things that don't quite

exist yet. So I'd like to review my favorite TV slow TV show slash film of 2025 called content. Content coming at you on a streaming or broadcast service right now. Don't worry, it's star writer and director have already been cancelled. The LGBTQ subplot has already been deleted by by studio mandates. that's not happening. And just three episodes into content as it's released, it's already being rebooted by a fetus who is pre-cancelled in the womb thanks to original sin, basically. So watch content, stream it wherever you get your streamers, or just, I don't know, review bomb it because there's a woman in it. That's what I'd say. One star or five stars, depending on your

preference on that kind of thing. Gender. Yes, exactly. Alison Spittel, what have you brought in for us this week? So it's a Christmas related one. Over the Christmas period, I watched a Muppets Christmas Carol with a friend who'd never watched a Muppets Christmas Carol before, which is very pressuring on her face. Yeah, I kept looking at her. I kept going, look at the ghost. It looks like a poached egg. Like, isn't that scary? She was freaked out by it. Also, the ghost of Christmas future

is so scary. You know, the one with the big hood that just points at a grave and Michael Cain cries over it. When I was a kid, I thought that was God and that's who I prayed to on a regular basis. It was very scary. But Michael Caine absolutely acted his bollocks off. It was an amazing performance. I cried watching it as an adult. I think it's amazing. I'm giving it five stars and I think you should fully re-watch a Muppet Christmas Carol. A bit of an actual dead take to say a Muppet Christmas Carol is good,

and Michael Caine's best performance is Muppet's Christmas Carol. But I'm not lying. And sometimes, isn't Christmas a time for sincerity? And being sincere, love a Muppet Christmas Carol, five stars. Did I ask, Alison, did you watch the extended one with the extra song? I did in the cinema, Tom. I was surprised. King Charles Cinema, they show Muppet Christmas

Carol every day and they show the extended version because I brought my friend and I was like, she's not going to get the emotional heft without this song, but it was in there. It was beautiful. Perfect. Yeah. I love that, Tom. I've been thinking of you as a child getting really into that song. And it feels very you.

You're a sensitive, lovely man. I am. And they call it back at the end. So it doesn't make sense with it. It doesn't rhyme in the, in the structural sense. So that makes me very happy indeed. Yeah. But Disney took it out because they're like, kids can't take emotion.

And it's like, that's what we thrive on. Like that is what we remember. Exactly. It is the only thing that children remember. I have laid a little Easter egg for my daughter. I have a few small jokes that my child will probably get in her mid twenties. Just one of the small joys of parenting and one of them is whenever I talk about the ghost of Christmas past and the ghost of Christmas

future I always just pronounce it ghost of Christmas present. Nice. Just a little scene. Also I have her 100%. And I say convinced, she has no doubt in me. I really, there's no defense against my propaganda that snails make the sound, womp, womp, womp, womp. That's a beautiful thing. And she'll probably keep that until her trance leaves because who's going to prove her wrong?

And in what situation is she ever going to find out the truth? She has such strength of will, I think it's going to catch on. Snails will start doing it just's going to catch on. Yeah. Snails will start doing it just to fit in. It makes sense. If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered. Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you.

We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca.

And that brings us to our next top story. A crisis hotline for CEOs is being considered in New York after the recent shooting of a CEO, Alison Spittel. You've had a crisis before. after the recent shooting of a CEO, Alison Spittel, you've had a crisis before, can you unpack this story for us? I can't tell it, I was gonna be offended, but I was like, no, you're absolutely right. Money time, I've phoned a professional.

This crisis, this crisis online for CEOs, it's kind of like, I think people are going, getting a bit bristly at the reaction to this. Like, it seems like a lot of resources have been used, which is lovely. And like more power to the CEO. But like when you see that resources haven't been used for other people, you do feel a bit less special. And I felt like a crisis line for CEOs was just a direct line to the president. I think that's how it's done normally. Whenever they have a problem, they just ring up the White House and get straight through. So to hear that they're setting up a crisis phone line for CEOs is, it seems like the horse

is bolted already. There is crisis lines, but it's just directly to politicians. So I briefly worked for a large investment bank and there was a hotline that you had to call for whistleblowing. This was after the financial crisis. If you wanted to blow the whistle on shady doings in the business, there was an anonymous hotline and I was an intern there. One of the instructions that I was given under the table was the moment somebody rings the anonymous hotline, you have to write down what desk they're calling from.

Wow. somebody rings the anonymous hotline, you have to write down what desk they're calling from. I'm just saying we could apply this in reverse. If a CEO calls the hotline, you know where he lives. What I do love about this is New York State is considering this. It's not going to happen. It's just one of those things that someone put in an email and then it's sort of got passed down to us that it's going to be silly. The only thing I hope is that the hold music is the world's smallest violin. I mean, CEOs don't need a hotline. Hotline for people who can't afford to have, you know, therapists on retainer. And that brings us to our final story of this week's episode of The Gargle, which is that there is a surge online in pornography, no, on the pornographic websites of tradwife modesty

and mindfulness content. Tom Ninan, you are modest and mindful. Can you unpack this story for us? Of course I get this one. Yes, of course. So we've seen that we've seen a rise. There's been a rise. I haven't been witnessing this firsthand. Pina sisters.

Exactly. In searches for, like you say, tradwife type material, the word demure has gone up on Pornhub. The searches for the word demure have gone up 133%. The term mindful pleasure has gone up 112%. And mindful JOI, we all know what JOI stands for. It stands for jerk off instruction. I don't think people can go, did you not know that?

No, that delights me. I'd always thought that sort of the masculine thing was more like an Apple iPhone. You just sort of plug it in and it figures itself out. You don't need to do a lot of work to make it work, but I'm glad to know that there's a manual. Yeah, you don't need a lot of instruction. But maybe this is, you know, it's a bit like what we're seeing with wealth disparity.

I think we're going to see like a porn disparity as well, where at one end, you've got the Jamil, you've got things like Modesty Milf was up 45% searches. And at the other end, I can't remember her name, is it Lily Phillips, whose whole thing is having a hundred guys. I believe the phrase is run a train on her guys. I'm not proud of knowing that, but she is absolutely, they are going to town on her. So at one end, you've got a woman sleeping with a hundred guys in a day. At the other end, you've got someone baking a cake and maybe showing a bit of cleavage on the other end of things. And nothing in the middle. The middle class of pornography is dying and no one's talking about that. So I'm here to raise awareness. No, don't say it's being hollowed out because

you know what happens to everything that gets hollowed out. Oh God. The middle class is being hollowed out and someone's putting a dick in it. Yeah. I think this is good writing. Just in case no one put that joke together on their own, I thought I should say it. Hey, listen, subtlety is out the window. I think it's quite nice. There's terms like simple sex and authentic sex. Yeah, it's really nice.

I think Modest Milk sounds like a very sexy covers band of indie music. It's beautiful. And also I love the way they're looking for trad wife on pornography because trad wife means like traditional values and I think pornography has always had traditional values. Think about it, the bartering system and if you look at like pornography series such as Fake Taxi it's always trading favors for free lift or free right of way. And I think to do like a trad wife version of that, it would be like, can I swap you six chickens for an insert name of sexual actor or someone hand making their own lube or whittling their own sex toys, Make it out of a corn and a cob.

Like Nara Smith. My husband said he'd like to have sex tonight, so I went to my lube tree and... It's so wholesome. I love it. I want more of this. Yeah, that would be great actually. That would be great. Everyone wants more of this. I think we've turned around on this story. I think we were judgmental about the ways in which it might signal nasty, regressive ideas about women. But actually, I think we're all for this, this new wave. That's with every sexual thing. You judge it at first and then you're like, actually, I'm quite into this. We're all ripping. We all have a knowledge of pornography.

I just don't know why people go into a pornographic website for this. Shouldn't they just be going to Hub? Because a lot of this stuff is just like, interviewer. Yeah, that's true. Amazing stuff. And that brings us to the end of this week's episode of The Gargle. I'm flipping through the ad section at the back. Alison Spittel, have you got anything to plug? Yeah, I got a Radio 4 series that's just started last Boxing Day.

It's called Petty Please, very excited about it and you can listen to it on BBC Sounds or on BBC Radio 4. The other thing I want to say is if you go to my Linktree, I'm doing a little bit of a work in progress tour. I've got a McHunliffe show. It's called Fat Bitch. That's what I'm very excited about it and I'm working through lots of different stuff. So go to my Linktree or go to my Instagram and follow me there. I think that's the most professional

ad I've ever done. I feel delighted because I I didn't have to say any date. Just go. Five stars, five stars for the ad. Tom Neenan, what have you got to plug? Listen to Zeroes on Audible. It's a great new series that's by David Reid, created it. I wrote an episode, as did Bryony Redmond, who's written properly for Doctor Who as well. So that's very exciting. That's got Paterson Joseph in it, and it's very funny, and it's lots of sci-fi stuff, and I think if you like the gargle, you'll like that. Also, I'm not selling anything at the minute,

but I'm doing prints and things at Big Cartel, I do paintings and things, and TomLeenandArt.BigCartel, I don't know if that... It sounds like it's a scam, it's not, it's just a way of selling things sort of in a more acceptable manner. Anyway but I'll be doing that but but zeroes is I'm very proud of that And yeah, I think it's very funny. So give that a listen. Excellent. It's on my to listen at least You can find me online at patreon.com Slash Alice Fraser I do weekly writers meetings as well as weekly salons

If you don't want to write you just want to to have a chat, come to the salons. If you do want to write or create or paint or do whatever, come to the meetings. Otherwise, you can just subscribe and read my weekly articles there, patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. This is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter, your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, Catharsis, Tiny Revolutions, Top Stories, and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.

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