The Gargle - Live from Edinburgh Fringe! (2/2)

Episode Date: August 24, 2023

This week it's our second and final live Gargle, recorded in front of an audience at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.Tiff Stevenson and Tom Ballard joined host Alice Fraser for episode 125 of The Gargle - the glossy magazine to The Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world.All of the news, none of the politics!📱 Typoo news🛸 'Alien' miners ✈️ Fight attendants 🐻 Bear on a plane🏛 British Museum theft🤮 Reviews📖 D'Ancey LaGuarde!HOW TO SUPPORT THE GARGLEPre-order the D'Ancey LaGuarde Reader book here! http://l8r.it/DHhGAdvertise YOUR business on The Gargle with an Alice Fraser ad read. Contact [e-mail]00:00 Start02:13 Your sponsors03:09 Front cover03:36 Satirical cartoon04:14 Story 1: Typoo news07:38 Story 2: 'Alien' miners with jetpacks11:33 Reviews17:51 Story 3: Weaponised flight attendants21:45 Story 4: Bear on a plane23:33 Ad section24:42 British Museum thefts29:30 D'Ancey LaGuarde Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. You can use protection. Moonlit, my, it is just reflected sunlight, you think, as you apply plenty of sunscreen and a tasteful hazmat suit with the visor blacked out that you're pretending is a costume for the party. Just in case that's not enough, you chain yourself to the grand piano. At first, everything goes surprisingly well. The cake is good. The stripper inside it looks just like Channing Tatum in a good light. And Uncle Clive gets fun drunk instead of racist drunk.

Then they unveil Grandma's present. They've had a skylight installed so she can knit in natural daylight, which explains the wrapping paper on the ceiling. The moment the paper begins to tear, moonlight hits you straight on. The hazmat suit does nothing. The sunscreen does less. You probably should have used silver for the chains. There's no halting it now.

The family stares, aghast, as the transformation begins. Even your great aunt looks up from the stripper on her lap. Your secret isares aghast as the transformation begins. Even your great-aunt looks up from the stripper on her lap. Your secret is out. They know what you really are. You howl at the moon and catch a glimpse of yourself reflected in the brand new skylight. There, in front of everyone, you're no longer human. You're the gargle. Welcome to the gargle. The sonic glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper for visual world. all of the news, none of the politics. I'm your host, Alice Razor. Welcome to the stage, your guest editors, Tiff Stevenson and Tom Ballard. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes! Hi. Hi. I'm wearing sunglasses on stage

because I've got a manky eye infection. Hello. Don't talk about our personal life on stage, please. I would have believed if you just said it was too cool or you didn't want to be recognised. No, it's more for their protection than it is for mine. You don't want to see this because you'll view me differently afterwards.

It's like being out at night wearing sunglasses. You're like, who do you think you are? Corey Hurt. Yeah, exactly. I'd rather people recoil in fright than think I'm that c***. Yes. Exactly. Now it's time for your sponsors.

And this section of the show is brought to you by the name Liz is it short for Elizabeth or could it be short for Lizard give her a fright and find out if her tail falls off Liz, she's the biz and this section of the show is brought to you by Chivalry Chivalry, didn't really get it until I was pregnant basically spent my whole youth going I can open my own doors I can carry my own bags and then the moment I got pregnant

I was like you do it I'm making eyeballs chivalry potentially useful again in a world where access to birth control is being increasingly attacked by various radicalized groups fine take away my condoms but you're very willing to go build me a castle and fight some in a tin can before we take a deep breath and blow heavily on the candles that are this week's top stories, let's have a look at the front cover of the magazine. The front cover of this week's magazine is a topless photo

of a loaf of bread and two circuses enjoying a romantic weekend on a yacht. The headlines say, Bread and Circuses, What Could Be More Important? And, Being Well Informed, The Fastest Way to Get Unsightly Wrinkles. And, yacht. The headlines say bread and circuses, what could be more important? And being well informed, the fastest way to get unsightly wrinkles. And don't worry about it, why it's not your problem. And if they didn't have your best interests at heart, why would they be in power? The satirical cartoon this week is two climate scientists in a boxing ring about to fight.

The first climate scientist says, are you sure about this? And the second climate scientist says, if Musk and Zuckerberg taught us nothing else, it's that this is the only way to make people pay attention to anything now. No, you can do politics in the satirical news section. Okay, fine. But I am on high alert here, okay? Fight, fight, fight, fight, fine. But I am on high alert here, okay? Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight. Also, I don't think Musk and Zuckerberg count as politics,

even though they've bought and sold all of the politicians, nor do I think climate science counts as politicians. Fight me. Our top story today is our easy mistakes to make section, beginning with our typo news. Tom, this is the story of a terrible typo. You've shat yourself before. Can you unpack this story?

Worst intro I've ever received in my career there. Again, don't talk about our personal life on stage, please. You've shat yourself in the foot before. Can you unpack this story? This is an amazing story. Misunderstanding every text message led to a police assault during a 911 response and the illegal detention of a disabled woman

according to a federal civil rights lawsuit. The Coopersburg woman who filed the lawsuit was texting a friend about her health issues in February and the lawsuit said the woman was awaiting surgery on both hips including a right hip replacement. It says she struggled to walk and climb the stairs. She meant to text her friend,

I think I just shat myself. Instead, the text autocorrected to erroneously say, I think I just shot myself. And the alarm friend dialed 911 and the police stormed her home. Pretty f***ing amazing story. When I read it, I almost shot my pants. And I think she really shat herself in the foot here.

I can't believe it. What are the odds of that happening quite high us making the same joke out of the same typo yes but also the thing actually happening you know yeah yeah well i mean if it's in america it makes sense because you're far more likely to to be, shooting rather than shitting, basically. That's true. Although with an American diet, it could go either way, I suppose. I love the idea of saying, I think I shot myself. Like, you're not really sure. You'll never bloody believe it.

I think I've gone and shot myself. What am I like? I'd shoot myself in the head if I wasn't screwed on. Shot and shat. It's like the twat and twat. It's the difference between America and us. We don't twat, we twat. Oh, yeah. And scone. We don't shot, we shat. It's like the twat and twat. It's the difference between America and us. We don't twat, we twat. Oh, yeah.

And scone and scone. We don't shot, we shat. Scone and scone is also one of those intercontinental differences, I think. Yeah, but that's the same word. Like twat means to them, and I don't know why they can't say twat. They're like, oh, that's so awful. And you're like, what's a twat then? Is there Americans in? What is a twat they're like that's so awful and you're like what's a twat then? Is there Americans in?

What is a twat? Is it a vagina? It is so why are you so f***ing I don't know why I've just gone for you in the front row what is your problem?

Go for a kiss they'll shoot you back off No but I mean like why is twat seen as this like really awful curse word, but twat is fine? Sorry, wait a minute.

Are you asking why America, the land that was created by the people that left the country because they weren't allowed to close the theatres, is a bit worried about female sexuality? Twat, twat. I don't know. I mean, it's like snooker and snooker. That's, you know, sorry.

I didn't mean to attack the, you know. I love you. I love you. Hello, welcome. And well done for displaying this much calf on the front row. It's very brave. I can see your twat from here, actually. Audio podcast visual joke tip.

That's okay. You know, I'm imagining that people listen to the podcast can imagine calves and what they look like. They're quite hairy. He's got a tan. They look like he's been down the gym. He doesn't skip leg day. This guy doesn't skip leg day. It's very complimentary about a man's calves.

I like to objectify men in the audience, so you can see what it feels like for once. Aliens news now. This is the news that illegal miners have been disguising themselves as aliens in peru or vice versa tiff stevenson you've seen mysterious lights in the sky before can you unpack this story for us i have i have seen mysterious lights but it turns out it was the underside of my friend's uh ford xr2 just i thought it was an alien spacecraft, but it turns out it was just some drum and bass pumping out.

So flying aliens harassing village in Peru are actually illegal miners with jetpacks, cops say. Authorities announced their theory after visiting the isolated indigenous community where the attacks took place. They began on July the 11th. Strange beings, locals said. They've never been to the fringe.

So it says, these gentlemen are aliens. They seem armoured like the Green Goblin from Spider-Man. I've shot one twice and it didn't fall. Instead, it elevated and disappeared. So it turns out, after a bit of digging... I mean, this was the leader of the indigenous local community who believed for a while that they were being attacked by aliens

and he shot him with an arrow, not with a gun. Just for context. Oh, okay. Right. Oh, okay. Actually, he just texted he shot it. He actually meant to say that he shat on one of them twice and it didn't fall or anything.

So according to the description, their colour is silver, their shoes round in shape and with those they rise up, they float one metre high, they have a red light on their heel. And I was like, is this aliens? Because it kind of sounds like the beginning of the Michael and Janet Jackson video Scream. Are you sure they weren't watching MTV the night before and just got ideas? What it is is miners who have come to strip the land,

strip mine the land and are wearing jetpacks, which is the thing that you would least want underground, I would think. The easiest way to bump your head. That's what they want you to think, Alice. That's the classic, the old excuse to deflect us from the fact that there exists aliens. They're saying it's illegal, Colombian and Brazilian gold miners with jetpacks.

Well, we know there's aliens, right? They said they found non-human remains. There were all of these hearings, weren't there, at Congress about this. So I feel it's really difficult with aliens right now. I'd like to say this because, you know, there's evidence that they've potentially been here. But I'm not sure if it's okay to do jokes about them. Is it punching up or punching down? I don't know.

We don't know yet, right? Like, because if they're here, there's probably only a few of them. So technically they're a minority. And I think that's not okay. It's not okay to attack a minority. They're people of colour. They're green. Yeah, exactly. All those people who go, I'm not racist. You could

be white, black, purple, green. Who's purple and green? Who are these people that are not being racist to, turns out, aliens, yeah. Well, certainly when those kind of hammy British dudes get really hit up, they go a sort of purple. Oh, aliens, yeah. Well, certainly when those kind of hammy British dudes get really hit up, they go a sort of purple. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And when I'm listening to what they have to say, I turn a delicate shade of green. It's weird, though. It's weird, isn't it? We always assume when it comes to aliens that they're all going to have, like, they're going to be malevolent or benevolent, and we're like, well, these are the intentions of aliens. And that's assuming that they all have uniform thinking, that they're going to be malevolent or benevolent. And we're like, well, these are the intentions of aliens.

And that's assuming they all have uniform thinking, that they're not individuals. Like what if there's like every other like kind of, you know, there could just be one dickhead alien that no one likes. Like most of them are cool. And there's a guy called Jeffrey turns up at the pub and everyone's like rolling their big eyeballs at him. Like I know why Jeffrey, I mean,

that name has been ruined by Dharma and Epstein, hasn't it? So we'll stick with that. But he's just the one that they don't like. So they could all be very distinct individual aliens. I mean, technically I'm an alien. I have an American visa, so I'm an alien of extraordinary ability. I don't know if you know that about me, but yeah.

Tiff, I've told you, tying a cherry stem with your tongue is not an extraordinary ability. I don't know if you know that about me, but yeah. Tiff, I've told you, tying a cherry stem with your tongue is not an extraordinary ability. It did get me a wedding, though. I got married. I got married. It got me a husband, babs. And now it's time for your reviews. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors

to bring in something to review out of five stars. Tiff Stevenson, what have you brought in for us this week? Oh, so we're reviewing something from The Fringe, I believe. So I'd like to review the man I saw throwing up into a bin on the Royal Mile at 10.30am. It could have been a show. No one was flyering it, though, so I can't be sure. I went into my show wondering, was it the continuation of last night's drinking or the beginning of today's? That's a, you know,

maybe there was no alcohol involved at all. It is the Edinburgh Fringe though, so I can't be sure. Maybe he had a bad breakfast burrito. Is there such thing as a good breakfast burrito? Oh, any breakfast burrito, in my opinion, is a good breakfast burrito. But to ascertain that, I'd need to search through his actual vomit, though,

and I didn't want to do that, so I can't be sure. It could be a response to a piece of art at the Fringe that was so shocking and profound, he was puking because he had literally binged culture. To find that out, I'd have to ask him ask him but i didn't so i can't be sure that could have been his review of another show really yeah yeah exactly just like tom ballard i um i once got wolf whistled at when i was puking onto my own flip-flops i was at the side of the

road and i had to get out of a friend's car to have a little cheeky vom we'd been on the we'd gone and had a seafood lunch after drinking heavily the night before which is a bad choice a bad choice um and i can't actually now can't there's certain shellfish like you know i can't definitely can't eat oysters clams like if it's been clinging to a rock in the mediterranean you know ronaldo don't put it in your mouth um so as i'm throwing up onto my own feet and flip-flops a guy comes past and wolf whistles and i don't know what it was about me that was so sexy in that moment he was like this woman needs to know how beautiful she is i asked a male friend and what he said was he said that um he said well you look you look like you're now at a party.

You look like you know a good time. So that's the kind of woman I'm interested in. I was like, yeah, if I take a shit in your garden, you don't look at me going, oh, she looks like she likes a nice meal. I don't understand the logic, but I don't really understand men apart from the ones that will marry you if you can tie a cherry stem with your tongue so So how many stars for the man puking the bin? Three stars for puking a bin. Three stars but it reads like a four. Yeah.

Tom Ballard what have you brought in to review for us? I'd like to review my audience. Oh please do. Yeah let's turn shit around on you guys! Just for a little bit of a change. Generally it's been five stars across the board. I've had a lovely fringe. Thank you to everyone who came to my show,

particularly the garglers who have come along. Lots of people that we know. You can always tell when there are garglers in the crowd. They're coked out of their mind. They've just come from an S&M orgy in one of Edinburgh's many dungeons. Absolute mad dog, so it's great. But there have been a few people who have stood out as not so great audience members generally. I'm giving two

stars to the person who on Wednesday last week when Australia was knocked out of the World Cup put a piece of paper into my bucket at the end of the show that just said, go Matildas. Two stars. It was a shitty thing to do, but I do admire the gut, so well done. One star to the punter. He yelled out

during my routine about having gay sex with a witch. He yelled out, was it spellbinding? Of course you'd f***ing love that, wouldn't you? Yes, it was Andy Zaltzman, actually, yes. Half a star to the middle-aged man in my audience on Saturday night who said his name was Alice and said that he identified as 21 years old and he loved the monarchy. I could just smell the GB news coming off him. I'm not a fan.

One star to the man in my show on Sunday night who was a full-blown climate denier who claimed that recent wildfires were caused by space lasers and that Michelle Obama was a man. Woo! And there was one person who called out during my bucket speech, you know, during my bucket speech, I say, hey, you know, pay what you think

the show is worth. One night someone put 40 pounds into the bucket. I just like mentioning that. And I said, you know, that's the thing that happens. Someone put 40 pounds into the bucket and someone in the audience said, why? Zero stars! That's my audience review.

You didn't ask me about the shooting, shatting, poo, but you didn't ask me about my poo experience. I wanted to give it because I did shock myself once on a water slide. Oh, to be honest, it didn't occur to me to ask you about your poo experience. I thought you might take it personally. You assumed that Tom would have shit himself,

but in fact I did shit myself. Ooh, sexism lives! Ask the woman about shitting herself like an ally, Alice I mean, just in defence of myself as a glimpse behind the curtain I said, who wants to take what story before this show? And I said, I'll do poo one And she'll do poo two I'll do poo two

I'll do a number two, please No, it's just, this is a true story When I was 18 years old, I once shat myself on a water slide. I gave myself an accidental enema is what actually happened. So I was going down the water. I was in a bikini. I was going down the water slide one way. And as I came off the end, the water came gushing back up the other side,

fired itself right up my little poop hole. I got out and then all of a sudden went, oh. And I saw this group of guys staring at me and I was like, oh, this is obviously, you know, because I look so, like, when I was 18, I thought I was the hot shit and I literally was. I was like, these guys are staring at me. I realised it's because I had, like, a brown trickle running down my leg. And it was, you know, the only way is up from there, really, isn't it?

Did they wolf whistle you? No, should have, it should have been like the guy with the flip flops but has anyone else ever shit themselves on a water slide or am I so lonely? Am I the loneliest person in the world right now? Do you not know how fast the water comes back the other way? No, I imagine it's a terrible experience

but I should try it out sometime. And that's when Tiff volunteered to be spokesperson for Alton Towers. Brown Waters, they've renamed her. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com

And now it's time for your travel section. Travel section news stories. And this is the story of flight attendants weaponizing because people have become so horrifying on planes as part of the inshutification of everything. There's so much more violence and aggression on airplanes now that flight attendants are arming themselves. Tiff Stevenson, you've been on a Ryanair flight before.

Can you unpack this story for us? Well, the flight attendants are now, yeah, so fed up, basically, as you've said that they need to learn self-defense so assumably they're going to Krav Maga they're way out of the situation and if Ryanair uh flight attendants do get training in Krav Maga we will be charged for it they're going to beat us up and we have to pay that's how it works on Ryanair so uh you're going to get grappled and then you'll have to pay 30 euro or whatever it is. Yeah, I think I remember having to like, I think I remember having to pay for, I remember it must have been a Ryanair flight where we hit turbulence once

and they carried on trying to sell duty free. And I couldn't quite believe that. I was like, do you think, oh, I probably do need this Tom Ford perfume as I'm going to die. I might as well smell nice on the way down. But what the f*** is the thought process behind this? And I get that people are assholes, but that's both sides, you know. Are people being that rude on planes now that we've literally got to say, actually, someone's threatening to hit me. I need to know how to defend myself.

Well, to clarify, this is in America, of course. Oh, yeah. It's America and this is the kindica of course oh yeah america and this is the kind of thing they've restrained people at the seats and stuff like that well yeah there's apparently some airline opposition to paid self-defense uh which uh senator representative peter defazio is calling irresponsible saying that giving the training could be very useful and potentially avoid an incident at some point that could be catastrophic which if you know that the flight attendant's allowed to punch you in the nuts you might be marginally less

the planes are still going to have to fly into to florida so i don't know how this is gonna it's for those flights it's literally for going to orlando airport that's that's what this is for it sounds like it's getting pretty hairy. The proposal comes after an unprecedented upswing in confrontations with unruly air passengers since 2020, which have forced flight crews to contend with everything from near stabbings to broken teeth. Now, look, this is what happened, okay?

It wasn't a near stabbing. My fold-out movie screen wasn't working. I was halfway through tar. I was really getting into it. The stupid flight attendant lady couldn't fix it, so I just lifted my shirt to let them know that I had a knife. Okay? That's not a near stabbing.

And I didn't use it to break her teeth. Alright? That was my bare fists. Okay? So, they're all f***ing snowflakes, if you ask me. You've got to have sympathy for you. They've got to have some sympathy for you not getting to be able to see the film you want to see. I know. You're trapped in a tin of despair that smells of farts

for upwards of three hours. People need a break. Yeah, but basically the triggering incident was the introduction and then de-introduction of masks because masks sort of put you very politically in a position if you're wearing... There we go. Oh, sorry.

Apparently, yeah, it's the masks because not looking at the bottom half of someone's face is an enraging process, apparently. If I can see your quivering lower lip, how do I know I've hurt your feelings? I think the flight attendants should absolutely get the defence classes and if they don't get them, they should form their own groups to train themselves in self-defence

and they should absolutely call it the Mile High Fight Club. Yes! Yes! I'm going to live forever! What's the first rule of Mile High Flight Club, Tom? F*** you in the bathroom. What's the second rule of Mile High Flight Club? Here's your complimentary earphones.

Don't take off your f***ing seatbelt. And bear on a plane news now. Tom, this is the story of an escaped bear on a plane in the Middle East. You've been bear on a plane before. Can you unpack this story for us? What does that mean? No, explain yourself. What do you mean by that? She means

leather, Tom. She means the leather. Yes, yes. I've had a few bears in my cargo hold, that's true. And they were difficult to get out, I'll tell you that much. That'll do, won't it? No. Yes, real story. There was a bear in a goddamn cargo hold on the Iraqi Airlines flight

as they were flying to Dubai and it got loose from its cage and the staff had to try and calm it down and coax it out. I mean, I'm just saying self-defense training might have helped. Well, that's one in which it's fair enough. You're not going to mediate that situation with free drinks and a blanket. Yeah. Maybe the bear will calm down if you offer him a free

upgrade. Bear on a plane, bear on a plane, bear on a plane. Get these motherf***ing bears. Yes, it's the sequel to Snakes on a Plane. Well, I mean, I'm glad that they didn't then release the snakes to get the bear because then you'd end up with a cane toads in Australia situation. I mean, Middle Eastern friends of mine have been complaining

about being profiled on air travel for the last 20 years, but letting a bear on because you're afraid of offending the powerful bear lobby is taking woke to a new level. So this bear escaped the cargo hold, presumably on cocaine. Because that's what the bears do. But it says the name and species are not being made public. Has this bear got a super injunction? What the f*** is going on?

How come this bear gets anonymity? You shoot yourself one time on a water slide and it's national news. Your ad section now, because you can't be what you can't buy. And this episode of the podcast is brought to you by Reality Television Dating Shows, the perfect evolutionary selection mechanism

for taking the horrifying monsters that want to do their datings for ratings out of the wider gene pool it's true and you're wrong you have no idea what you're even talking about so what why should you have to feel stupid or worse learn something now you don't have to with willful ignorance willful Feels right, doesn't it? And are you an eccentric man with a crow or other novelty small creature under your top hat? You've considered the logistics of waste disposal,

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stop yourself having a dead crow on your head. British Museum theft news now, and this is the news that the British Museum has come under pressure from the public after it sacked a member of staff over treasures reported missing, stolen or damaged. The most boring heist movie, Ocean 17, Work Supply's petty theft edition.

Tiff Stevenson, you've fingered an ancient artefact before. Can you unpack this story for us? I don't want to talk about that time we went on a road trip. That was me saying Alice was an ancient arte before. Can you unpack this story for us? I don't want to talk about that time we went on a road trip. That was me saying Alice was an ancient artifact. I am. No, that's not. We both are. In the way we're classic beauties.

Fingering an ancient artifact, also known as tossing a coin. Toss the salad, I thought was... Anyway, move past it. Let's move... We've gone into a weird cul-de-sac, which is also a euphemism for... Okay. Yeah, British Museum theft.

This is... I want to make the same joke I made about Rudy Giuliani getting recode, which is game-recognized game. Like, the idea that the British Museum are complaining about stuff being stolen from them is deeply ironic, isn't it? Some of the items ended up on eBay for sale. Elgin Marbles, hard to play with, £10 or nearer software.

Apparently, they were, like, really underpriced as well. And these weren't even items that were on display, as you said, Alice. These were ones that were in storage. Like, guys, this isn't even our best shit. We've got 16th century arrowheads, whatever. But they've had, like, throughout the years, there's been a few fetts. In 2002, I discovered,

a member of the public stole a Greek statue, which makes it sound like they just sort of walked in and put it under their jacket. I don't like walked out. It's a member of the public. It didn't say highly trained cat burglar. Member of the public. Who's doing security in this place?

Just trusted them when they said we just want to look at the shiny things. We won't steal them and take them back to our own country. We don't have enough cat burglars anymore. We've lost the old tradition the old apprenticeships. You know the lessons hard won by learning that if you can steal a cat burglars anymore. We've lost the old tradition, the old apprenticeships, the lessons hard won by learning that if you can steal a cat, you can steal anything.

Tom Ballard, have you seen any artefacts in the wild? Yeah, I bought some cool shit off eBay. I just couldn't write any jokes about this. This story is just perfect in and of itself. Someone getting fired from the British Museum for stealing shit. It's like firing someone from Starbucks for making shit coffee. It's like firing someone from a podcast for talking shit. It's like firing someone from the KKK after they got caught up in a blackface scandal.

It's like firing someone from the military for committing war crimes. It's like firing Harold Shipman from a euthanasia clinic. It doesn't make any sense. You don't need us. Just read the story and enjoy yourself. That's how I'm justifying that being all the material I wrote. We're 25 minutes short of the end of the show, so that's good.

We moved on so quickly from the shitting, Alice. There's definitely more that can be extracted. Tiff has 16 pages on shitting herself. Anyone in the audience shout themselves? No. What I want to know is what your favourite historical theft is. Ooh. Ooh!

Like my favourite thing from history? Yeah, this is a section I'm calling Artifact or Artifiction. He's made that up now. Yep. Yep. I liked it when they stole Helen of Troy. I thought that was pretty cool. That was good.

That kicked off some cool shit. That did. And invented the hollow horse. Yep. That we used to this day. That's actually prototype My Little Pony. Yeah. I mean, people don't give women enough credit,

but like Helen of Troy just being hot directly led to the invention of the hollow horse, a thing that we all use every day. What's your favourite historical theft, Alice? I mean, historically, I think my favourite theft is the ring in The Lord of the Rings. Historically, I think my favourite theft is the ring in The Lord of the Rings. My favourite historical theft is when they took the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Oh, f***. You can't flirt with me. I know you shat yourself on a water slide. Hey, does it make me less beautiful? Yes. Okay. Well, the central question of this is whether the British Museum has any right

to be offended about people stealing stuff when everything that they own is itself stolen. And I think probably Greece would have some things to say about that. Apparently this is like a top story in Greece. They're getting very excited over there. I mean, they're also on fire, so there's some other problems they can conserve, but mainly they're like,

ha ha, got you, Britain. How do you like it, you bastards? You malakas. And a new novel is out by self-published romance maven and online bestseller, Dancy Lagarde. Star Crown is a futuristic sci-fi noir mystery romance with a medieval twist. In the distant future, humanity has colonized the stars.

Civilizations vastly different from one another roam the galaxy competing for resources. Garthian is a chalice knight sworn to fight for justice in the darkness between the stars. Equipped only with his high-tech exoskeleton, his sentient talking laser Swiss army sword, and an ancient faith in the laws of justice, he's a lone wolf and happy to stay that way. While hunting Mykrios, a rogue necromancer, through an inhabited system, his bio-ship is badly wounded and he must crash land on Chaucerion.

Rindel is a bookish novice warrior nun who longs for adventure. Is this the book or the blurb? This is the blurb Trapped by her culture's obsession with recreating humanity's medieval past she longs for a white knight to come save her but when a spaceship crashes in the mill pond on the estate of the nunnery it turns out she's the one who has to save the white knight

Unconscious in the wreckage she is already drawn to his soft mouth and sensitive abs. With both arms broken and his tech exoskeleton missing its energy core, Garthian has no option but to take the help of this small but powerful woman to clean his groin injury and navigate this alien world.

They bond over a love of medieval literature while she puts hot holtuses on his quivering crotch. But when the evil Micrius arrives at the nunnery disguised as a seer emissary from the wizard pope and chooses Rindel as part of the queen's sacrificial virgin gladiator nun cadre, Garthian must solve the mystery of Rindel's royal past, extract the energy source for his exoskeleton

from a band of evil monks, and sexually train the woman he is secretly coming to love in hand-to-hand combat while resisting the powerful urge to smooch her with tongue? Will they be able to overcome their deep mutual repression to consummate their passion? What about when they realise that in order

to save Rindel from death in the Coliseum, they must relieve her of her virginity? Mystery, history... You know you wrote this, right? We all enjoy our own work but this is extraordinary stuff. I write them very late. How long is the f***ing book? As long as it needs to be.

I write them very late at night so when I read them the next day they're a nice surprise. Mystery history, history, magic, fantasy and passion collide with a graphic sex scene in a careening chariot mid-combat and a cameo from Rindel's godfather, an AI

of Isambard, King Dunbrunel, who was the advisor to her father, the previously wrongly deposed king of the galaxy. Will they defeat Mikrios and reclaim Rindel's world? Yes, but find out how in StarCraft. Available now in the vast emptiness between

the stars. Thank you. Yeah. So I think we've hit our word count for the book now. That's good. Thank you. Alice, I do think there is time to open the space telephone. Yes. If we think that Dancy might wish to join us. Oh, yes. Well, I feel like we should ask the

audience for consent because obviously this is a quite a dangerous process. So backstage, what we've got is an intergalactic dimensional portal. And I have contacted romance author Dancy Lagarde and asked if Dancy would like to come through to this dimension. Obviously there's a slight risk that all of the testicles in this room will implode but I feel like we should ask the audience would you like to have a Q&A with the

actual Dancy Lagarde? Alright, I'm going to go backstage and fetch Dancy. So I did think I'd uploaded a sound effect that would represent the arrival of Dancy, but I put the wrong one in and can't change it now, and it's just John Oliver saying bullshit. That's bullshit.

So you've got to imagine that's like a really big graphic. Trust me, that's f***ing appropriate for what's about to happen. Bullshot. Bullshot is actually, by the way, side note, a cool drink that Elizabeth Taylor used to drink. And it's like got beef bouillon in it or something. So I just love the idea of her swanning around at parties with that as a cocktail. In the drink? Yes.

Someone over there said yes. Beef in a drink? Beef in a drink. Have you ever had a cup of Bovril, Chris? Jesus Christ Someone over there said yes. Beef in a drink. Beef in a drink. Have you ever had a cup of Bovril, Chris? Jesus Christ. I haven't actually. Yes. I haven't tried one yet, but I'm looking forward to it.

If you like a Bloody Mary, I imagine it's kind of similar along the lines of. Right. Sorry, Tim. I think there's some tech issues with the interdimensional. I think now, bear in mind, Dancy, I don't think has a body or eyes in the way that we normally do, but he's probably trying to conform to the three dimensions we have here. Right.

But hopefully without falling over on the stage, can you please welcome Dancy Lagarde? Yes. This is really scary. Hi, Dancy Lagarde. I'm a big fan. Hello, Chris. I'm Tom.

Hello, Tom. No! Tom over here, Chris over there. You all look the same to me. Racist bitch. Sorry. Dancy, the audience have got some questions. Are you happy to answer them?

I am. So this one, no one has noted from last week's podcast that they should write their name down. So this is going to be a series of anonymous questions. Dancy, how do I find someone the way that Belenthien loves Alexander? Yes, to find your heart's mate is a difficult question for all creatures in the world. Basically

what you're meant to do is ideally get yourself in a horrible situation of some kind and then whoever you hate the most is the person you will love the most. That's how romance works. Dancing, quick one here. What's the weirdest plant in the world?

The weirdest plant in the world is the banana. Actually, a nut. Is it? Is it a lagoon? Well, it's a kind of avocado. A kind of yellow avocado. And therefore a nut. Do you guys ever have the feeling that the arts should get less funding?

Just a thought. Sorry, just a thought. Sorry, Nancy. Nancy, I understand from reading your books that fingering is a vital step in winning someone's heart. Any tips? Just the tip. You must be gentle but firm.

You must be dominant but consensual. You must make sure that you have trimmed your nails and washed your hands. I'd say if you're touching the heart, you've gone too far. Ideally, do it on a horse. The horse does most of the work. What about if it's a finger of fudge?

I don't want to hear about your water slide incident again. I believe if you weren't a kid in the 80s in the UK, it's obviously, I know you're not from this dimension, so a finger of fudge is a chocolate.

Thank you for the information. Lovely piece of delicious chocolate. Maybe just put it in your mouth and nowhere else really. My what? Unless you want some kind of infection. Put it in my what?

In your mouth. What's that? It's the hole on your face that you... Oh God, I have holes in my face. That the speaking comes out of. Next question, Chris. Dancy, as a billionaire, what do you spend your money on? Long walks on the beach.

Very long walks. I buy a beach and I walk along it. Sure. And I'm like, that one's done. Yeah. I've got three. I just wish, Chris,

I just wish Alice was out here to see this incredible character on stage. You know what I mean? This is just amazing to have an interdimensional being who's so different from Alice Fraser

in every single way. I'm sorry, in opening that interdimensional portal she had to stand there to hold it open like Atlas. I see.

That makes a lot of sense. Because there's no way I'm staying in this shithole. I've got a castle to go back to. Tom's clearly a fan of fantasy fiction. I can really tell. Fet Rett or Fet Kett writes, what is your

favourite organ that is not a brain? All of them. But mainly the brain. Not that one, the other one. Oh no, you don't have multiple brains. The penis. The Glitch writes,

would you care to comment on the fact that flamingos have the... Nope. Sorry, I forgot. Which series of Renaissance novels with a supernatural twist are you going to publish first in this universe? I will publish in this universe after we've seen the sales of the Dancy Lagarde readout, basically.

And finally for you, and I'm not quite sure how we're going to get Alice back on stage, we hadn't thought about that, how do you feel about being photographed? I am happy to be photographed, but if you take a photograph of me, it will not show up. I have cryptid blood,

so I'll just look a bit weird. Not that I look weird now. But occasionally I'm approached by a fan as I stride through the meadows, as I stride through the land, going on my long walks with my many dogs and my specially engineered ergonomic sun monocle. And people will approach me and they'll ask for a photograph, being as easy as that I'm the most famous author in the world and I will say no f**k off. I have a question Nancy, how would you describe your accent? Oh what accent? I don't have an accent, you have an accent. Touché. It's pronounced Tausch. Dancy, we'd happily, really happily, in fact, let you go if that's okay. Yes, I should probably go. I'm starting to melt.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dancy Lagarde. And where was Alice? She was holding up in the portal or something like that, I think. And I think we need to fill for her to return. Oh my god, she's back, everybody! Boy, what a convincingly realistic process that was.

So I've just been holding open an interdimensional portal. Is that a euphemism? Okay. I've got one question for you if you want. One question, Alice. Yes. Oh, one question. Had a lot for Nancy and none for me.

I was listening. Rude. How important do you feel that alliteration is for your creative process? Not. Is that just a riff on my Twitter handle? I'm guessing so. They remain anonymous, so that's on you. I mean, if I'm writing a poem

in which alliteration plays a role, then, sorry, this is how I talk, right? then, sorry, this is how I talk, right? Wow, it's hard to tell where you end and Densie begins, man. It's such a complex transformation, it's huge. All right, that brings us to the end of this show. Can we have a round of applause for Tom Ballard, for Tiff Stevenson.

This is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Pet Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'm Alice Fraser. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from the Bugle, including The Bugle, Catharsis, Tiny Revolutions, Top Stories and The Gargle,

wherever you find your podcasts.