The Gargle - Mammoth meatball | Space crypto | Dino lips
Episode Date: April 6, 2023Josh Gondelman and debutant Gabe Mollica join host Alice Fraser for episode 106 of The Gargle - the glossy magazine to The Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world.🦣 Mammoth meatball�...�🏻🚀 Space crypto🪳 Cockroach evolution🦖 Dinosaur lips🦶 ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here.
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This is a podcast from The Bugle. rudely. You start scrabbling with your hands, picking at the soil with stones, rocks, anything you can find. Suddenly, whoosh! You've struck oil. A jet of the liquid squirts 30 feet in the air.
My goodness, you're rich beyond your wildest dreams. But you can't celebrate. You weren't
prepared for this. Your eyes travel to the corpse you were about to bury. The corpse you murdered
in cold blood. The bloody of the Deliveroo Drive. You'd stabbed in a fit of passion when you
discovered that the ramen you ordered came with uncooked noodles that you had to put in
boiling water for one minute and thirty seconds
and if you'd wanted to cook a dinner you wouldn't have
ordered a f***ing deliveroo. From the
lights flicking on in the houses around yours you can tell
the thirty foot spout of oil is already drawing
attention. How can you dispose of the body
now? There's just one thing that might work
you brush the soil from your hands
and call the only fixer you can trust
the gargle.
This is The Gargle, the sonic, glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper visual world.
I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Josh Gondelman and Gabe Malika.
Welcome.
Thank you, Alice. This really rings true because I myself have murdered and called blood this week, so that was exciting.
Oh, that's good.
I've had noodles.
because I myself have murdering cold blood this week,
so that was exciting.
Oh, that's good.
I've had noodles.
I realized halfway through saying your name that I hadn't done what I normally do,
which is ask people how they say their name.
How do you say your name, Gabe?
It's Malika, but having done the Edinburgh Fringe Festival,
I understand that all different accents,
the ways to say Malika, so don't worry.
You're doing great.
It's all good.
Gabe Malika. Nailed it. Excellent. different accents, the ways to say Mollica. So don't worry, you're doing great. It's all good. Gabe Mollica.
Nailed it.
Excellent.
Well, before we take our picks and plunge together into the mine
that is this week's top stories,
let's have a look at the front cover of the magazine.
Front cover this week has the headline,
The Goggle Person of the Year 2023,
and the subtitle, We're Calling It Early.
The photo is of the person of the year, Mildred Enck.
She's a woman in her late 30s, and she's sitting down looking at the camera.
She doesn't quite know what to do with her hands, and she's smiling lightly.
She seems nice.
The captions read, She seems nice.
You say why, we say why not.
And okay, that's enough about Mildred now.
Hey, congratulations to Mildred.
Congratulations to Mildred. I just feel like to Mildred. Congratulations to Mildred.
I just feel like too much news is news, you know?
Yeah.
It's nice to just have a Mildred sometimes.
Oh, that's so good.
That's such a good name for it, too.
Like, we've had too much about Trump's arraignment,
and we just need a Mildred in here.
Well, I feel that's sort of what reality television is trying to do,
which is trying to give you a glimpse into ordinary people's lives
but because reality television has now existed for long enough
that people know what it actually does to your brain
only absolute maniacs go on reality television
people with their personality turned up to 12
and what you want is Mildred, six and a half at best
a personality volume at any given time
The satirical cartoon this week is a picture of a naked Elon Musk
with pasties shoved like the Dogecoin logo stuck over his nipples,
bending over and shoving billions of dollars in bills up somebody's arsehole
while a bunch of dressed like they're in the Matrix fanboys applaud him.
The caption reads,
This can't be a stupid thing to do because I couldn't do it unless I was very, very rich.
Environment news now. And this is the news that a mammoth meatball has been created
in a lab. Josh Gondelman, you've seen a mammoth meatball before. Can you unpack this story?
Yes, this story is truly amore. A kind of alternative meat company called Vow has used
mammoth DNA created from cells from a long extinct mammoth to to make a
giant meatball for people to eat and to raise attention right for uh first of all for sustainable
meat products in the future the company says they picked the mammoth right the only mammoth because
it was driven extinct by climate factors and they want to raise awareness of our existing climate crisis.
But, like, come on.
You just want to eat a mammoth, right?
They're just trying to serve the most exotic animal they can.
Like, climate change would be damned.
They would have done unicorn meat if they could find a single stem cell.
Look, it's always frustrating doing a story like this where it's like the goal was to raise awareness because even covering it means that you've fallen for their stupid trick uh gabe uh yeah i think it's fun that they went with willie
mammoth they also have alpaca buffalo crocodile kangaroo and peacocks and i like that i think it's
fun to create fake meat based on animals that we've never tasted because then no one can complain
about the authenticity i'm so i'm gonna i'm gonna call you here yeah uh
you can get kangaroo in any supermarket in australia it's sort of fine maybe in queens
but i've never had it but but i i will say it's fun i imagine somebody using the phrase
something's off this is not the way my mom's peacock tastes no it's true it could be anything
right like we don't know that it's mammoth like how can we be sure
that's what it is and they're not just like uh yeah we get some dry aged giraffe steak that we're
grinding up it could just be anything we've never tasted before yeah they're they're fooling us tim
noaksmith who co-founded this company said we chose the woolly mammoth because it's a symbol
of diversity loss and a symbol of climate change and I feel like if you're going to go for the creature that is a symbol of extinction,
you want to go with the dodo.
For sure.
I bet they're so tender.
I imagine they did make a dodo, and it just looked like the dodo meatball was just so stupid.
It couldn't even hold together in a meatball form.
It just turned back into a slurry.
Well, this is the thing we want
to raise awareness of climate give us some human meat right go all the way you can tell that that's
where they're going right like that's the sequel you know that was pitched in the meeting like oh
you want to freak people out let's give them some human meat we'll clone them from a human
it's not unethical it's just freaky apparently i the initially the idea was genuinely
to produce dodo me i don't want people to think this was a piece of satire they did they did try
but they just the dodos extincted themselves before we had any dna from them so and by
extincted themselves let's be very clear who did the extincting we got to name them right and so
it feels like fine that they're dead.
Like we're like, oh yeah, the dipshit birds?
Who cares?
It's like, that's not what they called themselves.
I think it's fun that it's not plant alternative
because we know that type of meat, right?
Like the fake plant meat that bleeds,
like the Impossible Burger, the Beyond Meat,
the I Can't Believe It's Not Tomahawk.
They went with real, they're making meat in a lab yeah
i was always confused why they want the plant meat to bleed like oh it's definitely made of
lentils but it screams when you touch it specifically are we looking for here right
right right just the flavor of cruelty it's's like, yeah, this burger, like, look, no animals were harmed, but it has a soul.
We verified that it has a soul.
I like this because it's like kind of a fun way to play God, right?
Like Jurassic Pork to just like, like we're going where science maybe shouldn't.
But like these mammoths can't trample us because we're going like straight to filet.
I learned a new word.
When they said the vow meat was cultured, that just means it was made in a lab.
I thought it meant, like, my burger studied abroad in Prague and listens to Bach.
I thought they meant to just stuck some steak in a pot of yogurt.
Its last word was chow, even though it didn't grow up in a culture that
says chow it came back with an accent even though it was only in europe for two weeks
and it chose an accent from a country that it didn't go to yeah for madonna i say paris now say Paris now. Was Belgium nice?
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Every sport has their big, juicy controversy.
Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.
Cycling has Lance Armstrong.
Baseball has its steroid era.
Curling has... Broomgate.
It's a story of broken relationships houses divided corporate rivalry
and a performance enhancing broom it was a year i'd like to forget broom gate available now
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Now it's time for your space crypto news,
because what we really need to do with the stupidest form of currency
is to shoot it into outer space.
Josh, you've looked at the stars.
Can you unpack this story for us?
Sure.
So some crypto companies, they're trying to commoditize the moon.
And what they're doing here is they sent crypto to the moon.
They advertised 62 Bitcoin with a stated value of 1.5 million will be
stranded on the moon until someone goes up and gets it, which is the complete opposite of what
we were told cryptocurrency was for. You can't decentralize something and then hide it in a
specific location. So let me just break this down real quick because this story there are a lot of
threads here and we also can't democratize something and then put it on the moon yeah the
least democratic place that you you know of because you need to the spaceship to get there
this is huge news because up until now the douchiest thing ever to happen on the moon was
someone playing golf so what happened here and I want to break this down into really like
elemental terms, a bunch of nobodies did a big nothing that has no value. They set up an Easter
egg hunt basically under the premise that Easter eggs are worth millions of dollars, but only to
people who want to trade them to you for other Easter eggs. And at this economic moment, they'd
have been better off just putting literal eggs on the moon
because their value is actually trending upwards.
The best thing that could happen from this,
the absolute best outcome,
is that we strand a bunch of crypto enthusiasts on the moon
when they go up to try to get this.
And I think if that happens,
this will have been a positive development.
Yes, the Bitcoin bounty that's being hidden on the moon
is called Nakamoto-1,
after the name of the person who they think
created Bitcoin back in 2008.
It's always worrying
if a sign of your success is your anonymous-ness.
It almost feels a little bit like drugs, right?
Where it's like, we think we know where this comes from.
And you're like, I don't know about this.
I'm not going to devote my life to this.
Yeah, I think the Woolly Mammoth Burger is more authentic
than whatever money they're sending to the moon.
My favorite detail was that they're sending 62 loose Bitcoin,
but they don't have it
laying around so they're taking donations and they're selling nfts i think it's the most out
of touch go fund me since coldplay's chris martin raised funds to purchase a second beanie
apparently in the release the point of the crypto bounty was to make an unachievable goal that would
force more space innovation because we all know that people are at their best
when they're in the midst of a gold rush,
and that's certainly the pinnacle of human behavior.
They all agree.
They all agree that this incentivizes exploration
and unlocks the best of human ingenuity.
So I'm really looking forward to people stake jumping on the moon.
Cryptocurrency, right, at this point,
this is like a chore chart where a kid
gets a gold star for doing chores right there's no like actual incentive it's only an incentive
because people are bought in and they're like like this is it's stickers it's shiny stickers
totally and it's so tone deaf they're like yeah it'll like breed innovation like in like fourth
grade classrooms like we can't afford colored pencils you want to like kids are not going to like build a rocket to the moon yeah an incentive needs to
incentivize that's what they call it that yeah bitcoin bounties are like paying for your blue
tick on twitter the only people you're going to impress by getting at other people who you don't
want to impress and now it's time for your reviews as you know each week we ask our guest editors to bring in
something to review out of five stars josh what have you brought in for us this week i brought in
the review of a recent my first pedicure oh yeah thank you the way you said pedicure made me
100 certain that it was your first this is what happened recently this is my
review um my my wife's dad recently treated the two of us he and i not my wife and i it was the
two two adult men we went for pedicures together which makes me wonder do i have a sugar daddy-in-law
it's not something a pedicure is not something I think I would do with my own
father, the lawless one, the outlaw father. Because I'm not sure if I've ever seen his feet.
They might just be round at the end like a Ken doll's foot. He wears sneakers to the beach like
the pilgrims did. The physical experience of a pedicure, abysmal. It was like going to the
dentist for my feet. It makes me feel bad for how we treat
dentists because they're the same and we are so mean to dentists and so appreciative of
estheticians right no one ever treats their whole bachelorette party to teeth cleanings before the
wedding ultimately though i have to say it was incredibly effective, the pedicure, at making my feet nicer, but not at all pleasant.
I will return at the exact same cadence I used to set the actual dentist when an older relative guilts me into it.
Two out of five stars.
But how do your feet feel now?
Are your toes smooth and gleaming?
Do they twinkle when you smile?
They do, which that they those shouldn't be attached
my they're like are your toes winking at me yeah did you wear their flip-flops that they provide
on the way out the paper ones i don't think so because they put my feet into like
they were in like a gentle water bath the whole time that was nice oh that's nice
yeah that was nice. But then a
lot of prodding and scraping, which I didn't realize was part of it. Yeah, it's like a medical
procedure. Yeah. And they were great. This was not a poorly executed endeavor. I just didn't realize
the endurance required for relaxation. I also, for context, I'm not a massage person either.
Like if a massage is too gentle, I feel like I'm not getting my money's worth.
And if it's too aggressive, I feel like I'm cheating on my wife.
Gabe, what have you brought in for us?
I'm going to review not going to work.
Do you have a job?
Does it require you to get up, shower, dress, brush your teeth, take two subways, walk across
a highway, sit at a desk in a building you resent?
Are you underpaid?
Is your rent too damn high, like that guy said one time?
Are you stifled by the inhumane bureaucracy of paywalled health care in America?
Well, have you tried using all your sick days?
Have you tried using more sick days than you don't have in hopes that your bosses don't
notice because they also hate work?
Have you considered just not going to work?
Like Bartleby, the Scrivener before me.
I can't recommend enough.
Simply quote, not going to work.
Clearing through sick days like they're Haribo
when no one's home, not going to work.
Six stars out of five.
Would recommend to a friend.
Don't forget to smash the like.
It does feel good to not go to work.
Oh, it's the best.
It's one of my favorite places to not go
Look, I've got to say
The best thing about being self-employed
Is that I am both a terrible boss
And a terrible employee
Now it's humans
F***ing up sex lives business now
This is the news
That humans' relentless quest to kill
off cockroaches with poison has changed the breeding process of the cockroaches themselves.
Gabe, you look like you've seen a cockroach before. Can you unpack this story for us?
I have. I'd love to unpack the story. The story, of course, involves German cockroaches, which have evolved to live in human environments.
And the way they've done this is typically the way cockroaches reproduce is that the female gets on top of the male kinky.
And then the male has what's being described to me as a telescopic penis, which goes behind and around and has a little hook on it.
And there he offers what's being known as a nuptial gift, which I listened to the article.
I didn't just read it, so I knew how to pronounce nuptial.
And normally that sweet chemical slurry has glucose in it, which means it's sweet.
But for years, we've started to use a sweet-like substance
to track and kill these cockroaches. But now they've evolved, and they've made their nuptial
gift less sweet. So now that there are some females who just aren't into the sweet stuff
anymore, and it's made the male cockroaches not be able to mate with them. They're just not
interested. However, that becomes a problem because the male cockroaches have now evolved.
They've eaten some pineapple.
They've changed the consistency of their nuptial gift.
And now they're back to getting jiggy with it.
And they just keep popping up because they know how to change the secret sauce.
This is shocking news to me.
they just keep popping up because they know how to change the secret sauce.
This is shocking news to me.
I went to a friend's wedding over the weekend and my nuptial gift to them was a cutting board.
So humans and cockroaches are much different.
Cockroach sex is so intense, right?
The males hook the females to their body to procreate, which sounds problematic, certainly.
And they do that because it takes 90 minutes for the male to release sperm into the female.
And it's like, brag much, cockroaches?
Okay, sting.
That's kind of, okay, endurance king.
End of, okay, endurance game.
And it's really wild that we use the same glucose, right,
that was this nuptial gift in the traps.
And technically the science word, I just want to add this context,
is we stop the roaches from having sex, the cockroaches from having sex.
We roach-blocked them.
And I've thought of all the ways to say that, and that's the best one.
There's no better way to go with it i want to say just as a point of ethics that the males have changed they changed their recipe right as as gabe said um and and that they've also figured out how to hook themselves
to the females even faster which scientists who have been asked about this these these developments say they're they're
like kind of thrilling evolutionary adaptations but it's just letting them commit sex crimes more
efficiently it's like if kidnappers started buying like king-size candy bars and driving
lamborghinis instead of goofy white vans uh i was curious if there's like in the cockroach community,
if the female cockroaches who don't like glucose,
like have a reputation, you know, like the gluten free people.
It's like, oh, you can't take them anywhere.
She's glucose averse.
You know, like I wonder if they talk, they talk shit about each other.
Or if they like that's they when they when they when someone loves the glucose,
if they're like, oh yeah.
She's old school.
Yeah, they're like, she loves the glucose if you know what I'm talking about.
That's my German accent.
It's like, hey, stop roach shaming, okay?
Yeah, it turns out that cockroaches have adapted so quickly to humans' willingness to interfere with their sex life.
I don't know why we've been so willing to interfere with their sex life. I don't know why
we've been so willing to interfere with their sex lives. We've been putting the cop into copulatory
and the nup into nuptials and the black into cockroach. I just think that we are setting
ourselves up for them to invent a new way of having sex that is way worse for us.
Inevitably, it's going to start being something that we like the smell of,
you know, like it's going to be something that just turns us on and then we're going to be part
of the whole cockroach mating process. We're going down a bad pathway is what I think.
It's true. And NPR included videos of both of these, the female cockroach accepting the
nuptial gift and the female cockroach rejecting the nuptial gift. And I'm not going to lie, they look the same to me.
Now it's time for your Tyrannosaurus Rex news now. This is...
I never know whether paleontological discoveries count as news
because they are inevitably incredibly old,
but this is exciting news about T-Rex lips.
Have you ever read the kind of fan fiction that involves you smooching down with the lady T-Rex at the end of Jurassic Park?
This is good news for you because it turns out she had supple and mobile mandibular mobs.
Josh, you've smooched a T-Rex.
Gosh, only in dreams.
Yeah, dinosaurs, we think of a T-Rex, right?
As having like big protruding teeth
That's because all the T-Rexes we've seen
Don't have skin on
Yes, that's right
It's all teeth because they don't have a face
It's all just bones
So we just pictured them
We just added skin
Where someone drew it, right?
That's how we know
Sure
But they had lips They didn't have big teeth sticking out of their mouths where someone drew it, right? That's how we know. Sure.
But they had lips.
They didn't have big teeth sticking out of their mouths
because they cited the skull
and jaw anatomy in theropods,
meat-eating dinosaurs,
the wear patterns on teeth,
and the relationship of tooth
to skull size.
So they probably had these lips
to keep their teeth moist.
And apparently, there's no word yet. You know, the T-Rexes um and apparently there's no word yet uh you know the
t-rexes had lips there's no word whether the lady t-rexes or she-rexes also had thick curly eyelashes
so you could tell them apart like a miss pac-man actually lady t-rexes are called t-vaginas
you don't want to know how they have sex i think you pronounce t vaginas right it's so terrifying
to think of a t-rex's lips because the only thing i can imagine scarier than being chased by a large
meat-eating dinosaur is that they were like creepily whistling while they were chasing you
so spooky that's our movie stuff the lips i think it seems like they're not as maneuverable
as human lips right which is too bad for them uh rigid lips tiny arms probably no fun to make out
with or it's like kissing a canvas wallet or something well they also technically not called
lips but uh labial scales which is a thing my friend Sandra once had.
Yeah, every woman I've dated prefers when I just call them lips.
Yeah, it's piano practice.
Gotta go through my labial scales.
I think the real star of this article is Thomas Cullen, the Auburn University paleontologist.
I mean, this guy is just a real freak in a good way i think uh there's just so many big
problems in the world cancer inflation the war in ukraine and this guy's like when dinosaurs
listen to kissing the lipless by the shins do they hear those lyrics and think well that's
actually a common misconception my favorite part of the article uh that we are using is a description,
quite a detailed description of the point of lips,
which feels like all of the scientists doing this have never considered mouths before.
So they say the full closure of their mouth with labial scale covered lips
protects the inside of the mouth, the oral cavity,
which would stop their tongues drying out.
It's such a weird conjecture, right?
Because they are just describing mouths.
They're like, yeah, you know, you keep your mouth closed
so your tongue stays wet.
Sealed lips would help saliva secretions in the mouth
keep teeth enamel hydrated.
And you're just like, ugh.
Yeah.
Who cares?
Who cares what these maybe lips did like we all have lips you don't have to
explain lips to us don't make me think too much about what my mouth is doing at any time otherwise
if i think about it too much it might be like when i'm typing and i wonder how i'm typing and
then i forget how to type and i'm just gonna start oh yeah failing to contain my saliva secretions
and then my tooth enamel will dry out
i love this guy he really thinks he's like a like a justice warrior the final line made me laugh he
was like uh what we are in many ways is striving for here is for dinosaurs to be seen what they
actually were animals not purely as movie monsters i love that he's like uh he's like you know
dinosaurs like they're not just nugget
shaped food all right they had lips okay and it's also not important that we see dinosaurs as
animals because there aren't any yeah they're not a protected class who are we offending here
right right right right yeah let them go i'm never gonna talk shit about dinosaurs
and like a hawk's to come in and be like,
I'm related to dinosaurs.
I'm like, who cares?
Yeah, it's not like there's a pending Supreme Court case.
We're like, we should really be nicer to dinosaurs.
Like, they're really advocating for their rights right now.
It's like, no, no, it's fine.
Let them go.
They're all dead.
And we didn't even do it.
Normally, when an animal's all dead,
we've got some blood on our hands usually americans yeah it's not us this time so just like we can
just make fun of them for being dead thanks for bringing the hawk in at the end of that story by Hey, I try, Sarah Dobbs.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Boo.
Boo, Rontosaurus.
Okay.
That brings us to the end of this show.
I'm flipping through the ad section at the back of the magazine.
Gabe, have you got anything to plug?
Yeah, I'm doing a show off-Broadway right now called Solo. It's a show about how I don't
have any friends.
Isn't everything off-Broadway, really?
Not Broadway.
Not Broadway.
Broadway's on Broadway.
They've got huge theaters. And I'm going to slowly start taking it on the road. So if
you identify as someone who's on the road compared to the very narrow confines of Manhattan,
I might bring my show to you. That's
major cities in America and possibly the UK. Excellent. Josh, have you got anything to plug?
I do. I have a newsletter that I write every week called That's Marvelous, where I give pep talks to
readers and people in the news who didn't ask for it. The readers ask for it. And I am going back
out on the road in the United States as well. And the best way to
get tickets to those is on my website, joshgondelman.com. And the best way to find out about
new dates is to subscribe to the newsletter because it comes right to your email inbox and
you don't have to rely on seeing a tweet that is drowned out by a sea of porn bots now.
that is drowned out by a sea of porn bots now.
Thank you so much to our guest editors for this week's edition.
If you would like to be a roving reporter for The Gargle,
tweet us at HelloGogglers while that maintains any kind of legitimacy.
Thank you to Dave Morris, Tila, Miss Otis,
C-Lips, Robin Shantz, and James VT,
who all sent in the mammoth meatball story.
Mike Bertie, who sent in the Mammoth Meatball story Mike Bertie who sent in the Space Crypto story and Geoffrey Spear who sent in the Cockroach Mating story
you can find me online at patreon.com
slash alicefraser
it's a one-stop shop for all of my stand-up specials
podcasts, blogs, my weekly Tea with Alice salons
and my weekly writers meetings
if you would like to write with me
we do weekly writers meetings and workshops
I've also got my show running at the moment at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.
It's called Twist, and it's actually good now, so I feel like I can plug it.
After being in Melbourne, it will be in London and then in Edinburgh.
Also in Tokyo on the 18th of May.
Whoa!
Nice.
Yeah, very exciting.
I've also launched season two of my podcast, Tea with Alice, where I have tea with people,
and we talk about difficult subjects.
Josh Gondelman's on that.
NATO Green is coming up.
Andy Zaltzman has been on it.
Various other people will be on it.
I'm always on it because it's my podcast.
This is a Bugle podcast, an Alice Fraser production.
Your editor is Pet Hunter.
Your executive producer is Chris Skinner.
I'll talk to you again next week.
You can listen to other programmes from The Bugle,
including The Bugle,
Catharsis,
Tiny Revolutions,
Top Stories,
and The Gargle,
wherever you find your podcasts.