The Gargle - Meat | Boner | Space

Episode Date: January 21, 2022

Tiff Stevenson and Fin Taylor join host Alice Fraser for episode 45 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics!🥩 Meat spill🍆 Covid a real boner killer🎾 Novax Djokovic 🥣 Reviews🚀 UK space launches📖 NFT group spend $3m on Dune bookProducer by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. You roam its unsettling corridors, their walls alien and uncomfortably sexual. There's no sign of life anywhere until you find a room full of huge, freaky eggs. Naturally, you touch one. A creature bursts out, latches itself onto your junk, then eventually falls off on its own. You feel fine. Just one of those days. Until some months later, a sudden discomfort in your nethers. Something inside you trying to get out. It bursts out during a business meeting while you try to downplay the sudden contractions and heavy sweatings

as just PowerPoint presentation nerves. As it leaps onto the table, glowing with unearthly beauty, biting through its own perverse umbilical cord, you recognize the thing staring back at you. The thing from inside you. It's not human. It's not alien. It's the gargle. The sonic glossy magazine to the bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world. All of the news none of the politics. I'm your host, Alice Fraser. Welcome to the show. Your guest editors for today are Finn Taylor and Tiff Stevenson. Hello. Hello. Hello. How are you all? I'm feeling good. I'm feeling strong and powerful. How are you feeling? I want Finn to feel strong and powerful. Do you feel strong and powerful, Finn?

No, I went to an antiques fair yesterday in an airfield with a six-month-old baby, and I want to shoot myself in the face still. That's your life now. Yeah, it is. It is. The frequency with which I'm singing to myself, shoot me in the head, is really starting to make my wife worry. We've just moved house, and my wife needs more trinkets apparently, so we're going to antiques fairs. Ah, okay. Well, I'm planning a wedding, so that's never not stressful, right? I mean, it could be as stressful as you want it to be. Let's get into the magazine.

But before we get into the magazine, let's have a look at the front cover of the magazine. The front cover model this week is a picture of the qr code for the geolocation marker for the server that hosts the nft of the mona lisa the headline reads heist this mother and we're selling limited edition blank white t-shirts representing ownership of the idea of that slogan the satirical cartoon this week is two people leaping nude out of bed together, having clearly been caught in flagrante by the returning business husband. The caption reads, honey, it's not what it looks like. We're just conserving heat because of the cost of living. That's a joke so ham-handed it's definitely not kosher.

Now let's get into the magazine. Our first section is our meat section. Tiff Stevenson, you've been having to decide between meat and vegetarian options please explain this awful story i thought you were gonna say i am the meat correspondent which in many ways before i was engaged you could have called me that i saw there was a meat spill on the m80 and i was like is this in glasgow or cumbernauld i just drove back from scotland mond. How come I didn't come across this? And then I remembered there are other places in the world. This has happened on the M80 in Melbourne. I imagine it's hot enough because it's summer there, isn't it?

I'm assuming this Entrail mix, as I've renamed it, has become a pop-up offering burgers and spicy beef tacos. Because it's just a ton of like offal in the middle of the road apparently they filled up a trailer with no roof on it to the they filled it to the brim with abattoir waste and went yeah that'll do it's kind of like watching the acorn antiques sketch two soups but with a truck on a motorway and so you know imagine you'd be driving along next that and you just get some sloshing on your windscreen um I feel like there's very little meat on this story, ironically. But, you know, tell me your thoughts.

The thing that annoyed me was that it was all just loose. It's just loose in the lorry. And it's like, hey, some of us have paid good money for that chum. And it's just rubbing up against other people's deliveries. It's like, what the hell? I paid a lot of money for those entrails and you're just sort of slopping it around, rubbing up against the side of a lorry.

You're not going to package it or anything? I paid for postage and packaging and there's no packaging. Just gets tipped through your letterbox when it arrives. Yeah. Yeah. Communal trough, commemorative ladle, Tiff. Ancient priests used to spill entrails to tell the future, and according to this accident, there's about to be a shortage

in pie face. It's a very Melbourne joke. Pie face is the pie shop, which has faces on the pies. They sell pies with faces drawn on the top of them. It's what it says on the label advice for a meat spill you know when you're driving through snow you have to wrap your tires in chains when you're driving through this you have to wrap your tires in bread and then sop it right up i thought it could be quite a good move from the meat-eating community.

Take on these vegans at their own game for direct action. Just spill a load of meat across the motorway and go, hey, remember us? I don't really know what they're bargaining for, but it's a striking image. Yeah, I feel like the activism might be going in the opposite direction of look at this disgusting stuff, surely you don't want to eat it. But maybe some people do.

The thing to remember is in Australia right now it's very summer. It's very summer. I like that as a description. Yeah, but surely a horde of wild dogs would make short work of that spill, you'd have thought. I mean, our dingoes probably wouldn't. It'd be more like flies and then possibly other things that eat flies and then layers of things that eat the things that eat flies. At this point, it's not an offal.

It's just a pylon. It's just an orgy. I think you could have a really good pie shop, right, and call it Pie Way to Hell. And then you just have them all be like ACDC-themed puns, you know, for the pies. You know, like, do you do like an Aussie fry up in shortcrust? Like a full in a pie? I'd call that chunderstruck.

I'd also serve a chocolate milkshake meal all night long, strawberry milkshake meal all night long. And of course, banana for those about to rock We Salute You milkshake. So, yeah, I think that if I was going to open a pie shop, it would be an ACDC. Is there anything else on the menu, Tiff? What apart from pies? Well, the milkshakes that So yeah, I think that if I was going to open a pie shop, it would be an ACDC. Is there anything else on the menu, Tiff? What apart from pies? Well, the milkshakes that I just mentioned. I'm just trying to see if you've thought of a fourth pun. What's the fourth pun? I just like the food-based puns. If I had a fishmonger's,

I would call it Silence of the Clams. I've seen a chip shop called The Codfather. I like the food-based puns. There's the Titanic, which is a Thai restaurant in Crouch End as well. I mean, all Thai restaurants in Australia have Thai puns. There's timey-almy. There was a kebab van in Bristol when I was at uni called Jason Donovan, which I think will never be beaten. There's abracababra in Ireland. There's Felicity Ward's favorite one which is halal butchers called halal is it meat you're looking for very strong your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy they say an apple a day keeps the doctor away can you

think of a tastier way to stay unvaccinated apples endanger your. Endanger your family. Two heads might be better than one, but not if they're smashed across the pavement in a wet pizza of brain and bone fragments. Now you can keep your head in one shape with helmets. Helmets. The skull for your skull. And when civilization collapses, water will be worth its weight in gold. Half a glass of water, soon to be worth roughly $6,935. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. Now it's time for your small dick section, Finn Taylor. Oh, no. Do you want to unpack this story for us? That was cheap. It was only because I did TIFF for the last story. Genuinely, that was not planned. Sure.

I didn't make the joke. I just left a silence for the audience to put the joke in themselves. So, yeah, there is a side effect of long COVID, ironically, which is some guy has complained that he's lost an inch and a half of his dick after having COVID. And I read that and I was like, look at this f***er bragging. I mean, some of us don't have that much to lose. You're losing an inch and a half and you've still got a serviceable penis? Did he just have a boner all his life up until COVID

and he's never seen his penis unengorged before? That's possible. That's also possible. But apparently it's a rare side effect that covid can get into the tissue of the of the penis and scar it in some way and you can lose some length i'm intrigued as to where he's lost the weight on the penis you know is it from the shaft is he now all tip more questions that i couldn't find answers to is he just a shower now and not a grower he described it as such an odd description that men use for their penises because he claimed that he had an above average manhood.

I've never like described my above average vag. Like I've never used that as a, I've never gone, oh yeah, it's an average. How do men know what an average is or above average? Well, the thing is, is that there seems to be an acceptance that every vagina is different and individual and yet there is this um we don't we don't hold dicks to the same standard do we we say they're either it's massive or tiny or average yeah there's three types which is obviously not true either a huge throbbing member or a tiny chode and let's know. Yeah, exactly.

I always wonder, I mean, obviously this story is disturbing. People are afraid of the side effects of COVID and so they should be. But just the obsession that men have. Like no one, just if you're out there, if you are a man, if you're seeking to impress, don't lead with your penis. Like even if it is a quote unquote above average, it's not your best feature. And the fact that you think it is a sad indictment of your self-esteem,

like back yourself to have like a personality or something. I feel like most of dating is a process of pre-apologizing for the penis, however good it is. It's not as good as a conversation. Send me unsolicited personality pics isn't that just twitter i think twitter that's just a man unsolicited personality pic the other thing was in the in the interview in the article he's like hey i'm a heterosexual man in my early 30s with an above average it's like what you're clearly just fishing here aren't you

just clearly just looking for women to have sex with with this article yeah why are you saying you're heterosexual the doctor recommends a penis pump i didn't realize they actually worked i mean i know it exists because i get an email offering me one at least once a week but the doctor has recommended in order to like help this problem that you would use a penis pump to get the blood flow going back also think of the positive, silver lining, he could probably do more with it now. Okay, explain your workings. I'm not sure I want to, actually.

But just saying. Again, ironically, not a lot of meat on this story. No. You've asked me to back myself and no. You know what? It's better because now he can do more anal and and it'll be better for her i imagine less invasive anal will be less invasive i if only i have long argued that i should get a penis reduction on the nhs for the sake of my wife's

rectum there you go i've gone full I've gone full. I've backed myself. I've said the thought to the logical end of its conclusion. You've backed onto yourself, more like. I've backed onto myself. That's the problem. We should put that in our Patreon bonus extras. We don't have a Patreon, but I would consider starting one just for that.

Patreon bonus extras. Am I right? Someone stop me. That's all the time we have for our long covered short penis section because now it's time for your reviews as you know each week our guest editors bring in something to review out of five stars finn taylor what have you brought in for us today well i start every morning with a bowl of porridge normally and not to reveal too much trade secrets but I like to put some nutmeg and some cinnamon in it but sometimes I'm hungover or just generally confused and I accidentally put a different spice in so I thought I'd review the different permutations of morning porridge with the

accidental spices so first off we had cumin, which was gross. I didn't realise until I had a spoon. I had a second spoon, didn't work, threw it away. The other time I did it was with cayenne pepper, which was surprisingly salvageable, actually. Had some honey on it, kind of worked, sweet, spicy. I've always thought I might do it again, but I've not had the stones to do it and then the third time was turmeric bad bad day didn't eat any breakfast

went back to bed cried those are the three other spices i put in porridge out of five stars cumin two stars kn3 turmeric zero three. Turmeric, zero. Excellent. But anti-inflammatory, apparently. I'm not surprised the cumin didn't work because it has the word cum in it. I just feel like any food stuff that has the word cum in it is going to be a bad vibe. There's a place, and we drove through it actually in Scotland at the weekend. There's a place called Cum Knock in Scotland, in the west of Scotland.

And it's named in Gaelic. They recently put a sign up, the town name in Gaelic, which if you thought Cumnock was bad, in Gaelic it is Cumnag. That's a girl's name, I think. Is it? I don't know. There's plenty of men that would like to nag for some cum, I think, that I know. Come back. Cum nag. I think there's a place called Luger on the way to cum nag,

which I'm sort of campaigning to get called pre-cum nag, just for shits and giggles. But, yeah. I think the technical term for a cum nag is a dominatrix, Tiff. And it's a widely respected profession. What have you brought in for us to review this week? I am going to review the filibuster. And how I'm going to review it is I'm just going to talk about it

until you all leave gradually, the Zoom call, and then I win. If you don't know what a filibuster is, any listeners, it's otherwise known as talking a bill to death or talking out a bill characterized as a form of obstruction in legislature or another decision making body. We had I think we came up with it here and the Americans perfected it a bit like the office. You know, like it was it was I think it actually began in ancient Rome and they do kind of call it a form of political stonewalling. So there's been a lot of talk in America about getting rid of it. It's time to get rid of the filibuster. And I sort of agree because if I want to lose interest in a guy talking needlessly for hours on end, I just let him stay over after we've had sex.

It's a two part process. There's the filibuster and the clouture, which I like the sound of because Filibuster and Clouture, which does sound like a French feminist cop drama, which I would totally watch. But, yeah, I think it's undemocratic, needs reforming. I'm going to give it a two out of five. Sounds good. We've got low ratings on our reviews section this week, but that's all the time we have for the reviews section

because now it's time for your pop-out Novak Djokovic quiz section. This is a quiz. One question. Is the best ham-handed attempt at a witty hashtag nickname for Novak Djokovic? A. Novaks Djokovic. B. Novak Djokovid. C. Nerdvac Jobabob. And D. Newkid Blokovic. Submit your answers or your own ham-handed quote-unquote satirical misspelling of a public figure's name for a free bread-free ham sandwich, which is just you holding some ham in your hands, like the prayer hands emoji, but with ham in very not kosher. That's all the time we have for that, because now it's time for our UK space launch section.

The UK is going to space. Brexit is about to get a sci-fi sequel. Yes, indeed. Apparently when the British look up at the cold, isolating emptiness of space, they think I'd rather live there. This is about the UK's space program. Tiff Stevenson, can you explain what's going on here? So on May 24th of 2021, the UK government announced that the country will develop space launch capability. So a variety of sites have been selected throughout Great Britain. Launch is scheduled to commence as early as summer 2022. Comparatively small launch centres though. So they're saying don't imagine the Kennedy Space Centre. Don't think

about Cape Canaveral. The largest rocket is going to be about 30 meters. Basically, when it comes to the launching dicks into space race, ours are already suffering from long COVID before we've even begun. They're talking about doing it in Prestwick. I don't know if you know Prestwick. It's actually where my dad was born. So I know quite a lot about Prestwick. It's home of Prestwick Airport, where Elvis Presley famously landed. There's always a lot of chat about that, which is also the airport that had for many years on the side of it, the words pure, dead, brilliant, just emblazoned in six foot high letters, which is really what you want to see, the word dead as you're coming into land. That feels comforting. So that's that's where they're going for. They're going for Presswick and they're going to be launching just small satellites into space.

And they said demand far outstripped supply at the moment. I'm like, who's demanding that we shoot these small satellites into space? Where is the demand coming from? So I don't know, but it's Presswick's where it's all happening. Finn Taylor, are you a space nerd? Yeah, man.

I was heartened to see that one of the other rocket launch sites is the Shetland Islands because I think humanity's space strategy has been wrong for the last 30, 40 years because basically they went to the moon and they were like, oh, where else should we go? Mars, whatever. But originally it was how many animals can we get into space you know first of all it was a dog then it was a man then they sort of stopped and i'm like that i want to see every animal on this earth up into space see what it thinks and so i'm just glad that we've got a base

in the shetland island so we can send some ponies up there ponies on the moon cause chaos i i think this should be the new strategy get an elephant into space not because we should but because we can i think the planet is dead never mind climate change planet change let's just give every animal off this rock somewhere else for the sake of it i mean finn tay Taylor and the gritty reboot of Noah's Ark coming soon to cinemas near you. I'm into it. In other future news, this has got to do with the book of Dune, which has just been bought by a DAO,

which is an online collaboration of people who want to put their cryptocurrency into buying something big and huge. And they've just bought something hugely big for much more money than it was worth. Tiff, can you unpack this story for us? So apparently a group of crypto peeps have bought a copy of Dune, a version of Dune. Basically, they bought a copy of a copy and now they think they have the rights to it, which is fun. Like I have a copy of Bram Stoker's Dracula. So I can does make movies about the bitey man now. They spent three million dollars, three million American dollars. Fairness, mine was twelve ninety nine from Waterstone. So a little bit different.

But maybe, you know, maybe if I spent that much money on on it, I would think it was my intellectual property. But they've been misled. I don't know who by themselves, the seller. I don't know quite what's happened here. They've entirely been misled by themselves. So what they've bought is a limited edition copy of Dune, which is worth about 25,000 euros. But they have bought it for 2.66 million euros because they decided that they wanted, you know, they collaborated on what they wanted to do with their money, which was to produce an

original animated limited series inspired by the book, to make the book public to the extent permitted by law, and to support derivative projects from the community, all of which are things that you could do if you had bought the intellectual property rights to the book, not just a copy of the book. I sympathise with these fellows because I had a similar thing when I bought a vintage copy of the Quran at a flea market. I thought I was going to make a cracking animated series,

but let me tell you, we ran into problems fairly early on, not least because the main character couldn't really appear in the thing anyway i got a lot of sympathy for them yeah it's a tough thing it's a tough thing uh but pretty obvious do you think that would be an obvious thing tiff i don't know i don't know maybe the amount of money that started being chucked around would make me think i have something that's unique isn't that the point of nfts that only once you own it only you get unique. Isn't that the point of NFTs that only once you own it, only you get to own it. So I can kind of see where that confusion has come from.

I see what you've made the classic rookie error, which is that you own the thing that you buy when it comes to NFTs. But in fact, that is not the case. You just own saying that that you own so you don't even own the encryption they bought an actual copy of the book right just an nft group ah okay right so it's not it's is it fungible is it fungi is it fungi i don't know i don't understand the book itself is is non-fungible, but the book as a thing is fungible. What is fungible? What does fungible mean? I don't know, but it's growing on me. That's all the time we have for our Dune story. That brings us to the end of the show.

We're flipping through the ads at the back. Tiff, do you have anything to plug? Yes, I'll be doing, well, Old Rope at the Comedy Store, which is once a month. In fact, Finn is on it the next one, February 14th, Valentine's Day. So that's why I booked Finn, because I thought no one sums up. Get out of the house. No one sums up romance more than Finn. So yeah, it's going to be, it's going to be, that's going to be a great show. I have some previews and various other things coming up.

A couple of things I can't really announce yet. So just go on my, have a look on my Twitter and my Instagram and you'll see. Excellent. Thank you to our roving reporters, Mike Bertie,

who gave us the meat spill story. Samantha Streeter, who gave us the COVID boner killer story. David Tyler Gibson and Robert Burton, who gave us the Dune story. If you would like to be a roving reporter for The Gargle, tweet us at HelloGogglers, which is on Twitter,

and you should follow us there, not just follow all of our magnificent guests. But you should follow all of our magnificent guests. Finn Taylor, have you got anything to plug? I've got a special coming out in the next two or three weeks. Don't know know it'll be on youtube subscribe to my youtube channel for a full hour of stand-up comedy for free deal that is a plug indeed but can can i buy an nft of the hour of comedy i don't know what that is you keep throwing cryptocurrency and korean boy

i don't know who they are and what's going on. Oh, you can follow me on TikTok. I've got into TikTok. Oh yeah, me too. I follow you on the top. Yeah, man. It's f***ing wild. It is wild.

I've got a clip that's got like 2 million views and it is just people calling each other paedophiles in the comments. And I love it. It is like YouTube on steroids. I'm all about the talk now yeah I'm on there too

great place to be get on Alice get on the talk I absolutely absolutely will not be doing that you can find me online at Illegititive

on Twitter and Instagram and who wants to make jokes about the Chinese state anyway it's a great place to be at Illegititive on Twitter and Instagram that's A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E

or sign up at patreon.com slash alisfraser. It's a one-stop shop for all of my stand-up specials, podcasts and blogs, or my weekly Tea with Alice salons, which is where we all just get on Zoom and have a nice chat. This is The Gargle. It's a co-production between Alice Fraser and The Bugle. Your editor is Ped Hunter.

Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. And I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.