The Gargle - The best of The Gargle 2022

Episode Date: December 30, 2022

Well, some of the best bits we can remember anyway.Enjoy your favourite Gargle guest-editors in this best of 2022 episode, as host Alice Fraser is joined by Josh Gondelman, Alison Spittle, Neil Delamere, Nabil Abdulrashid, Tiff Stevenson, James Colley, John-Luke Roberts, Joz Norris, Sami Shah and Sarah Keyworth.Thank you for joining us in 2022, here's to even more nonsense in 2023! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. Oh, hello. I didn't see you there. That's because this is audio and recorded well in advance. I've never seen many of you, and many of you I will never see. Nonetheless, I wanted to bring you some of the best of 2022. This is The Gargle, by the way, the sonic, glossy magazine to The Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world.

I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and this is the best of 2022. Science news now, and scientists have made the accidental discovery that scallops love disco lights. Now, I'm going to unpack this story because I found it deeply upsetting. It was one of those misleading headlines, which is that scallops love disco lights, but there is no doof-doof music. There are no puppy piles of octopuses on MDMA in the corner. It's just that if you put a pot light in your net,

it will attract scallops. I'm just gutted that there are no crustaceans on pingas in this story. I have been waiting for a fish disco since they cut that scene in the Little Mermaid short, you know, before the fish disco. They shot that when they opened the seashell and everyone realizes simultaneously that Ariel didn't show up and that however good Under the Sea is, they haven't invented the concept of understudies in live performance yet. Don't tell me that that scene would be worse if the seashell opened up and there's a manatee in a red wig come on come on playing the part of the princess just living its best life i would love to see prince eric try and romance a manatee in a in a red wig

as well and also she's a manatee in a red wig they're like eric come on eric you need to dude come on man you're too horny my man i think that's a problem for a lot of disney princesses just too horny you've been to it say too long that's what they that's allison right isn't that what they think mermaids are right like in history people would see manatees and be like that's a sexy lady with a fishtail yeah yes the general facial structure and contours it's just so funny to like look out and be like I don't know what that is, but I'd f*** it for sure.

Oh, it can sing as well. Wow. Tie me to the mask because I'm going to f*** that fish if you don't. God, sailors are too horny. It's true. Neil Delamere, you're our archaeology correspondence. A metal detectorist has unearthed a 2,000-year-old penis pendant. Can you unpack this story for us? This is fantastic. I'll be honest with you.

When I saw the headline, this is the headline, Metal Detectorist Unearths 2,000-Year-Old Penis Pendant, I genuinely thought, there's no way they can know that's how it was worn. But it turns out, i genuinely thought that it turns out it's a it's a pendant like and not for a penis i want to see an old lady turn up with this on the antiques roadshow and then go for it but like only in the most graphic terms imaginable. I want all of them to lean in. I want like, oh, this is a lovely piece. How did you come by it?

Well, my father was a cockmonger and his grandfather was a cockmonger before him. I come from a long line of cockmongers. We had a cockmonger shop in the high street. Well, it's a magnificent dong. Look at the exquisite detailing on the bell end. Look at the quality of the silver it's like wally's flute short of the golden phallus i saw in rome that could have been the very schlong of c3po

himself this is wonderful look at the tautness of the banjo string perfectly in keeping of the with the time a lot of these now are mass produced by the victorians but if we turn it over there will be a little stamp on the taint just towards the rectum and there it is this is worth the fortune and then like i wouldn't be parted from it i want to just lean in please i love the penis fact that actually apparently the shape of the penis is to um get out previous sperms from anyone who might have been uh in a vagina before you. So it's like an evolutionary thing. And sometimes I think, well, with frenulums like these, who needs enemas?

Sorry, if we just turn off our microphones now, I know the gargle is short if we do it like that, but I mean, what's the podcast equivalent of mic drop? Irish airline Ryanair has finally stepped up to do something about the real pandemic. People pretending to be South African so they can get on planes. Passengers flying with a South African passport will now have to complete a quiz

to prove that they are really genuinely South African and just to be extra safe, the quiz is in Afrikaans, a language known only by 14% of the South African population. Nabil, can you unpack this story for us? Yeah, I mean, reading that, like, you know, I mean, I hate to use the term racist, because obviously Ryanair has never been embroiled in any racism scandals. But I mean, I would put it forth that the person who suggested it

should probably answer a questionnaire about south africa themselves because uh seriously afrikaans not zulu not osa or any of the languages the people like indigency of south african that's like afrikaans is basically like for for lack of a better description, morphed Dutch. So it's like, you know, that's the equivalent of making people flying from England answer questionnaires written in Patois, which I think would be brilliant. You know, like, can you imagine having to fill out Wagwan? We really deal with what you're saying, fam, as a Londoner. Can you imagine like Boris Johnson, Wagwan? Well, I'm not quite sure exactly what is going on, but me and my brethren here, the Tory man,

are travelling to do some big things. It's insane. Like, who sits down and thinks of this shit? What were they smoking when they thought of this? Top story this week, dead spider robot news. This is the news of the emerging field, the horrifyingly emerging from your nightmares field of necrobotics uh whereby some scientists again let's not ask why have figured

out that by blowing air into dead spiders you can make them pick things up like a skill tester like a terrifying horrifying horrifying skill tester yeah that looks like what you get the claw in an arcade yeah that grabs a minion for you yeah except this will make children cry uh james you're a terrifying spider from people's nightmares can you unpack this story well look you can't say this in our pc culture but i am an arachnophobe i just don't like them they contribute nothing to the economy they should not be allowed to marry i am an arachnophobe. I just don't like them. They contribute nothing to the economy. They should not be allowed to marry. I am an arachnophobe and I'm sick of hiding. I like being very well researched for this show.

I didn't click on this because I did for a second and there was a video and then I tried another article and there was a gif. And I don't want either of those in my life at all. So I would like to direct this next comment to the wonderful roving reporter who sent this in. F*** you. Go f*** yourself. F*** you and everyone associated with you. My thoughts on this are fairly simple. Don't.

Do not. F***ing don't. And I don't think that it's enough that we have ethics boards anymore for scientific experiments. I think we need an eldritch horror committee where we have like a stephen king sits there yeah we have a m night shovel on there any experiment that seems like something that would happen in the first act of one of their stories you're not allowed to do that anymore sorry it's not worth it we have skill testers we already had skill testers.

You just made them worse. Yeah, I feel like what you need, what you need is a kind of a grant board slash pitch meeting in which if one of these horror writers says yes, everyone else says no. So if M. Night Shyamalan is like, ooh, that gives me an idea, you're like, oh, we're not giving you any money at all.

But we will greenlight this project. Yeah, it can go to one or the other. I mean, necrobiotic. I've never even heard the word. It just sounds like a 90s band. Yes. You know, like Technotronic. Yes.

And necrobotic on top of the pops. Well, it's necrobotic. It's like robotics of the dead, right? Yeah. Zombies. It's something you get from drinking your cult i believe you get some microbiotics it's so upsetting tiff would you get a skill tester made out of a dead spider no it gets meta necro when they use a dead spider to grip and then pick up another dead spider that was a very upsetting moment in the video

um he watched the video here's the thing you're all brave yeah james yeah i watched i watched the full thing here's what i think female spiders get a bad rap but years ago i did a show at the fringe called along came a spider and what i learned was some male spiders are very tricksy right um as part of the mating ritual what uh male spiders do is they get a parcel of food, like a gift for the female spider so they can have sex with her, right? Yeah. You know, just like watching the Kardashians. So basically they wrap the present up in silk with a web, you know,

and deliver it to the female spider. But what I found out is sometimes they trick the female spider and it's just a bundle of silk with no food parcel inside it and then they have sex and then they leave and then they trick another female spider like an eight-legged tristan thompson boy spiders yes i mean that is the word like as though weren't already scared enough of spiders slash men. Yeah, there's just a female spider left there going, all these eyes, I never saw it coming. There's an old Australian phrase that Alice will know, which is, I'm not here to f*** spiders. And frankly, I would prefer if every one of these scientists was there to f*** the spiders.

That would be less disturbing to me. Be like, I'm not going to yuck your yum go for your life just don't bring them back to life Your ad section now because the alternative is facing a bleak and empty world free of commercial publicity where no one would even think to wantonly

plaster a near nude near teen on a billboard the size of a building so that you can be faced with the prospect of barely veiled genitalia bigger than your own front door every day on your harmless way to your job as the social media manager of a stool softening supplement business. You're the faceless voice of the softest faeces, and that's why we do ads. You're on a train or in a public space.

The crackers you ate half an hour ago have somehow left a crumb in your throat. You're holding forth on an important topic, and all of a sudden you know you have to cough. But COVID, you think, desperately trying to contain the violent explosion of throat shouting by muffling it with your own brain. COVID. Your eyes water, your face breadens, you choke, you've missed your window to warn people that you were about to cough and it isn't COVID so now when you cough they will think it is. That's when you need half a glass of water. Half a glass of water. Without it, you'll know exactly how it felt to have the accusing gaze of a village fall on you because

your nose just fell off. Do you want to open that package but your mouth is full? Is that itch too far away to reach with your teeth? Are you sick of the taste of lottery scratchings? Then you need fingernails. Fingernailsils the teeth for your hands have you ever imagined having teeth for nails or nails for teeth oh that you have now i take a trip to the manicurist it would be way worse i mean you wouldn't be able to chat for one to know she'd be like how's your day and then you're like why aren't you while she's painting your teeth i mean you would always be biting your nails as well very rude teeth for nails would be pretty cool wouldn't it yeah i mean will smith would give a better slap wouldn't he oh yeah i mean that's only one step away from wolverine at

that point the closest i know to of teeth to nails is my grandmother who had a bracelet with every single one of her three children's childhood teeth set in gold around it with the dates that they had been lost and the initials of each child. So I think children have about 20 teeth before you get your adults. So about 60 teeth on a gold charm bracelet. What you have to hope for there is that she was patient enough

to wait for the last ones to fall out. Like if she was a real collector. She was a real collector. She had like 54 teeth that she was looking at the youngest child going, okay. Trophy collectors. Big game hunter. Get the trampoline and the hammer.

What's amazing is that both me and Neil have disclosed that in our childhood, we got beaten with wooden spoons. But yeah, what you've shared, Alice, is far more traumatic, like as a childhood memory. That's a Hannibal Lecter prequel. I mean, ours are charming prologues to Angela's ashes. Yours, yours full on horror.

yours full on horror and a new novel is out by self published romance maven and online bestseller Dancy Lagarde the 13th in the sexy nights of the round table series of ahistorical fiction with a supernatural twist the night and the spring is a tale of swords chivalry and hydration

Calogrenant is a night of the round table. I'm not even making that up. What? Calogrenant. Calogrenant? That sounds like a brand of oven cleaner. Normally I make up names and they make me laugh.

This is a real name of one of the real knights of the round table if you think the knights of the round table are real. And how could they make up a name like that? It has to be a real name. Calogrenant is a knight of the round table if you think the knights of the round table were real and how could they make up a name like that it has to be a real name calogrenant is a knight of the round table astonishingly powerful and rich celebrated by his peers you would think he could forget his difficult childhood as the unloved son of a distant welsh lord's daughter and a billionaire wizard from the future who ignored the prime directive of time travel which is not to calogrenant was half brought up by gnomes, a shameful secret for a

noble knight because of racism. But the past doesn't forget you that quickly, and when Calogranant is drawn into a quest that challenges his knightly honour, he refuses to refuse. Bleffendal is a blonde medieval bombshell with deep turquoise eyes, a shaved hairline, and boobs to match. Her skin is so pale she can be hired out at night on the highways as a reflective cat's eye. She's everything one could want in a medieval hottie but her translucent skin hides a dark secret. She offended a witch in a well and has been condemned to the fate of becoming a tempting naiad until freed by true love's first bang. Yes she's the spirit of a local watercourse and if you get her wet she becomes the elemental force of every middleweight stream and gushes everywhere.

When local highwaymen get access to a magical stone that gives them the power to control gnomes, Calogrenand is summoned to deal with the goblin problem. But can he bring himself to attack the people who gave him the only love he ever knew as a small half-lord, half-time traveller? And who's this mysteriously glistening pale dame with ideas about gnome equality?

Find out when you read The Night and the Spring this summer. I just so happen to have a copy of Lamorte Dartha here And just flicking through trying to find a colloquium Didn't appear in the glossary strangely enough But actually having looked through this now This guy can't spell for shit This is written by an absolute rube He can't spell king

King doesn't have a y in it ACAST powers the world's best podcasts here's a show that we recommend every sport has their big juicy controversy boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite, cycling has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong.

Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts.

Everywhere. Acast.com. Now it's time for your octopus boom news, which sounds like the funnest rave where everyone's arms are up in the air. Joss Norris, you love an octopus. Can you unpack this story for us? I do. Well, fellow octopus lovers are going to really enjoy this one because there is a currently opinion is split as to whether it's a boom

or a plague of octopuses off the coast of cornwall the story basically is a kind of a back and forth between two people who occupy each side of this debate there is a fisherman called chris chesterfield who is very upset this fisherman has been trying to pull up uh shellfish catches and has been unable to because he keeps catching a hundred times more octopus than he normally would. He said that it's very difficult to pull octopuses up in a lobster pot because you only have two arms to pull them up. And an octopus has eight arms to pull them down. And I initially thought it was quite strange that you would assume that the only reason for your kind of superiority as a human over the marine world is because you have arms and fish don't. But then as soon as you picture a whole trawler man's net full of thousands of fish and they've all got arms you do actually realize actually that

it would be tough and presumably when he pulls them up the first thing they do is sort of slap them around the face so it is a relief actually um there's the other side of it is there is a guy called matt slater from the cornwall wildlife trust who is very excited about this octopus boom uh because he's a huge fan of octopuses he's been training octopuses in his area to recognize his own face for a long time because he wants to build human bonds because they're such intelligent animals only his face I think only his face at the moment at the moment it's a real kind of vanity project is he trying to build bonds with octopuses or is he trying to build an army out of octopuses yeah I think he really I think he's on

the same kind of path as Taika Waititi towards who knows what kind of egomaniac ends maybe it's a peaceful thing it's all out of love and he's just poly octopus yeah he just loves to be around them my favorite thing about this story is that it tries to kind of keep the balance between these two sides through the whole thing about on the one hand it's bad for fishermen they're eating the catches on the other hand it's great for octopus and for wildlife diversity and things uh and it tries to give them each equal time in the story but then the final paragraph says that uh chris chesterfield the fisherman says that he humanely dispatches his octopus catch quickly with a knife between the eyes to the creature's central brain this is so we haven't got

them crawling all over the boat like in previous years he says they were long hard days until we found that out which is one of my favorite images i've come across for ages of weeks of hordes of octopus crawling around the deck of a boat and one guy trying to stab them in every orifice to work out how to do it so ultimately i think this article comes down on the side of they must be culled and slaughtered. It's so violent. Very upsetting. Josh Gondelman, how do you feel about octopuses? Personally, I love them. However, I think in this situation,

the fishermen have to act and they have to act quickly because, look, the octopuses are stealing the food out of the fishermen's pots and the fishermen should be embarrassed. They're going gonna let a bunch of sea creatures with pudding for bones be the netflix to their blockbuster video no you can't let this you can't just lie there and let the octopuses put you out of business if that happened to me if an octopus was putting me out of work i would be too humiliated to even go on the record and admit it i would just lie and make up a reason my business was going so badly. I'd be like, it's inflation.

It's happening all over. Like, I know that an octopus is smart. I have a lot of respect for them. But has one octopus in history baked a single cake? Has one octopus ever even developed the generic form of an antiviral medication? Never. So all these Fisher people just sound like, oh, that four-year-old beat me at chess,

but she's a prodigy, so it's fine. Stop making excuses and defeat the octopuses. Our dignity as a species depends on it. Yeah, the worst thing about being defeated by an octopus is they make you high-five them six times. Two legs, two legs, but only they know which two and our culture section is all about meta girlfriends uh john luke roberts you've got long hair at the moment can you explain this meta girlfriends trend so to get this story you need to

understand what nfts are you know nfts they're on the on the internet now an nft is um so an nft is a token and so when i say token you're probably thinking oh i know tokens they're little fungible things aren't they actually that's the special thing about nfts unlike normal tokens and that we're used to nfts are non-fungible uh tokens and the abbreviation um stands for normal fun things because it's normal to spend huge amounts of money for a personal link to something that doesn't exist and meta girlfriends are a new type of nft made by a particular company and they are cartoon drawings of hypersexualized women that you pay 250 pounds for they are randomly generated using over 600 traits across 20 categories just like real girlfriends and um don't worry though some

traits are non-negotiable they all have big boobs and tiny waists so basically you but the worst actually the ickiest thing about this you pay for this girlfriend there's a finite amount of girlfriends um girlfriends i'm not sure if this is the slogan but if not they should have gone for the slogan meta girlfriends for people who haven't. Met a girlfriend. And the worst thing is, well, this is just, it's a bit slimy. In public view, the met a girlfriends are only viewable from the waist up and fully clothed. But once you've paid for them, you can see them naked.

And that seems to be the reason to pay for them i don't know it's it seems grimmer than just like um naked pictures of cartoons that you don't pay for the ownership element of it is really um it just seems grim but who am i to judge i would be disgusted and appalled by this but i went to an all girls high school the things that i saw being pasted onto the inside of people's lockers were imaginary boyfriends in every possible iteration. I mean, you had imaginary boyfriends from Girlfriend magazine, you had imaginary boyfriends from Dolly magazine, you had imaginary boyfriends eventually being printed out from the internet line by line incredibly slowly,

more slowly than they were being downloaded. I remember the only thing slower than downloading a picture off the old internet was the old printers and how slowly they would print a colour picture. So I feel like this is, if anything, this is equality happening. Well, there's one thing about it which is, unlike naked pictures of sort of real people, this is the one thing where you can be sure

that none of the money you're paying is going to the woman in question because she's a cartoon. I think this is uh very realistic actually uh i know personally uh when i met my partner it wasn't until we got engaged they actually could see below her waist in general i wasn't sure if she had caterpillar tires wheels like pogo sticks for legs it was all a big mystery to me to be fair that was a courtship conducted entirely across a table. Yeah, exactly. Every date is an interview process, and this was no different.

There are bits of this that really stick out to me. Like, firstly, there is an easier way. We have done this for years. If you want to pretend you have a girlfriend, just say she lives in Canada like everyone else, except, I presume, Canadians, who I imagine are the target audience for these NFTs, since everyone in their country is secretly dating a loser overseas. The longer you hold on to your meta girlfriend, the more features you unlock,

which is an amazing way to gamify tech bros into monogamy. I'm currently on level 43 of monogamy. I've just unlocked the feature that tells you which hay fever brand they prefer two new snores and if i get to level 50 i'll learn which one of us dies first this is a sadder story than anything hemmingway could pen for sale nft i've never been loved because at the heart of it with the bad ape drawings and all the rest the core of these is a status symbol you have a rare ape that says to other people who value rare apes hey i can waste just as much money as you can but what these would say is the ultimate status symbol would be having someone in your life someone who could never leave you or say be funged and that leads me to think what you need is not

an nft it's the personality. You should get a personality. I mean, that's an extremely important and valid point. I will let you know if I ever acquire one. Now it's time for your reviews. As you know, each week, our guest editors bring in something to review out of five stars. Sarah Keyworth, what have you brought in to review? Today, I will be reviewing the star rating system so the star rating system is a classic system of rating usually used for creative endeavors

performances films albums it's essentially a camped up version of give it a number out of five because creative professionals hate numbers but love shiny shiny stars the premise of the system seems like it would work with five stars being the best and one star being the worst but recent critics have butchered the form of late by awarding half stars which completely undermines the concept there's no such thing as a half star it's just a smaller star the closest thing we could actually get to a half star would be a fragment of a star as it explodes in its moments of death. And so when someone gives a show a three and a half star review, what you're actually saying, it's three stars with a bit of a star corpse.

Even more upsetting is that some publications have moved into a 10 star rating system, which means the whole thing is a sham. For instance, a film called Jonah, a Veggie Tales movie, which is about singing vegetables that encounter some car trouble and get stranded at an old run-down seafood joint, has had six and a half stars, which is actually two and a bit stars higher than my 2019 Edinburgh show. Overall, I give the star rating system the number

two out of the number five. Samish, what have you brought in for us to review? I want to review the concept of apathy, Alice. I basically, for the last few weeks, in the run-up to the Australian general election, the federal election is on the verge

of happening, we're a few days away from it, I did something that, which as a news satiristirist i should not do but i found myself compelled to do an attempt i checked out like just you know like the out like i did that thing that we always complain about the average person doing is they don't care about politics and i just stopped caring about it is amazing oh my god i slept well my eyes like i this is a podcast you can't see them but there's no dark circles under there anymore normally they're ringed like a koala's asshole and it's just been a refreshing time where i've i've been introspective um i've been working out uh i eat more vegetables suddenly in my life i kiss my child every night because I realized that it doesn't matter.

The democratic process, whether it's a dictator or a democrat, whether it's someone you agree with or disagree with, who gives a shit? I don't care anymore. The world will go to hell

in a handbasket and I don't care because I didn't put it there. So it's not my fault. So stop making my responsibility to fix it. I am not going to drink from a metal straw i

didn't put the straw up the turtle's nose stop looking at me that way i am apathetic to the state of the world the only thing i want now is for a meteorite to strike the planet and wipe us all out the way it did the dinosaurs because you know that there must have been at least one dinosaur who was thinking oh oh, thank God. Now no one knows I don't separate my plastics. And I am that dinosaur. So this is what I'm here to say. Five star review for Apathy.

Stop giving a shit because it is not worth it. And I mean, Apathy is worth it. But you know what? Care about Apathy. If you're going to care about anything, care about Apathy. Five star review. Cannot recommend it enough. But I wouldn't. and i won't because i'm apathetic to recommendations yeah this is the most enthusiastic recommendation for apathy i've heard all day alison what have

you brought in for us so i'm reviewing sangria which is a beverage i had uh while on holiday last week um i thought i didn't like wine before whether it be red or white but I realised what I like is my wine to be chunky and I just can't get enough of those chunks it's amazing, it's an incredible beverage, you can get it almost everywhere in Spain

it's a bit of a risk to ask actually because if they don't serve it it's because it's a really nice restaurant and they're quite disgusted with you that you would want sangria with your food but i i just love to chew on something while uh while drinking alcohol it's like it's like a boozy version of bubble tea it's exactly like that it's exactly isn't it i mean it's not socially acceptable to drink on the street you know if you're just walking around having a sangria jug in one hand glass in the other yeah ole you know they're like what but uh i i really really like it i really

enjoy it i i've never had a bad one yet and uh it more love it more sangria please it also weirdly is quite like sick in a comforting way like the way mcdonald's is did you ever get that like a big mac has the flavor profile of vomit but i but i like it i'm really scared that you're right you genuinely bite into a big mac next it won't put you off it will just make you accept puke more in your life genuinely does that mean that there's something in the big mac which is already digesting it before you eat it like oh my god pineapple like it's so like run i just have a vision of ronald mcdonald just eating himself and ronald mcdonald's getting the burger out taking the lid off and then just some acid from his stomach just on top

so it'll start before he hands it over to the person who, shaking, comes to the front desk and gives it to you. Are we all like baby birds? We're just holding our mouths open while our mum Ronald McDonald just vomits big mouths. This is horrifying.

This is the worst thing that's ever happened five stars five stars yeah I imagine that's why people debate about pineapple on pizza because pineapple's the only food that eats you while you're eating it

oh my gosh that's so true pineapple the 69 of fruit I did a podcast yesterday and pineapple came up where this woman was discussing, she was talking about, okay, she was talking about giving blowies and she insisted that she would have pineapple juice before she gave blowies and would say to the men, I'm doing this for you. And they would be like, what? And she did not get the understanding of

why she do you get what i'm saying yes she thought it made sperm taste better but you have to but i mean it could do because it probably destroys your taste buds like i get maybe she also it does mean oh you've got the taste of oh would she drink it she wouldn't like oh because i i've seen her still holding it in her mouth like just creating a seal you know around there and then holding around in which case i mean it's not going to affect the flavor unless you're Ronald McDonald. Oh please, I'm going to use Ronald McDonald in every... I understand her logic though, because if you want chocolate milk, you don't

give chocolate to the cow. Put the chocolate in your mouth and then drink the milk. Is she like raw doggy flavoured condoms by just bringing the flavour? Do you know what I mean? Somebody who doesn't use condoms anymore but still wants the frill of like a flavoured condom.

No, no, you have to feed the condom to the man. If you want the taste of the flavour. He has to eat it. The person with the penis has to eat the condom. I mean, by her logic, she'd be filling the condom with

Smarties and then putting it on. Like a Smarties meal. Like she's trying to... Like a Smarties mule. Like he's trying to... That is looking concerned. This is all staying. 2022 episode. I'm your host, Alice Fraser. Find me online at patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. It's a one-stop shop for all of my stand-up specials, which you can get there for free, my podcasts and my blogs, as well as my weekly Tea with Alice salons and my weekly writers meetings. You can

sign up for just a dollar a month. And a big gargle thank you to all of our roving reporters, our magnificent guests, our producers, our editors, and of course you for listening. This does feel like screaming into the void, but importantly, often isn't. The Gurgle is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production. Our editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, Catharsis, Tiny Revolutions, Top Stories and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.