The Gargle - Worm butts | Chernobyl | Volcano

Episode Date: May 14, 2021

Alison Spittle and James Colley join host Alice Fraser for episode 11 of The Gargle - the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle. 🐛 Worm with 100 butts🐈 Cats like sitting in squares��️ Chernobyl an environmental success🔋 Battery-chewing inadvisable💉 Woman given six Pfizer doses🌋 Volcano for saleCatch Tiff's Stevenson's Tiny Revolutions in your pod feed now.This is a show from The Bugle. Follow us on Twitter.This episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. your mother's permission every single week. Allow me the honour to introduce you to the company assembled. This is The Gargle. We're single ladies without chaperones. We're news without the politics. We're the glossy magazine to the bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world. This is The Gargle.

In this week's edition, guest editors are James Colley. Welcome back. Thank you so much for having me back. And Alison Spittel. Pew, pew, pew, pew. I've just made some sound effects for you. I'm good. That's what that means.

The emojis of the mouth, really, is what I always say when you make those sound effects. Absolutely. When I'm really having a good time, I'm like, ha, ha, ha, ha, which is like a big one. And also a French person laughing. On the front cover

of this week's edition is Kabosu, the aging Shiba Inu on whose meme Dogecoin evolved in a rocket with a headline that reads on the internet, no one knows you're a Dogecoin billionaire. And the subheading to the moon. Other titles on today's front cover include

Gwyneth Paltrow, What Has She Done Now? and Elon Musk on Saturday Night Live. We watched it so you don't have to. Subheading billionaires like the self-driving cars they program should know how to stick to their own lane. The satirical cartoon this week is of Gwyneth Paltrow eating a loaf of bread with crosses for eyes and a tag that says bread and weeping while a small child in a dress with a tag that says apple sits on the plate the speech bubble says you're next i get that and then i felt guilty for knowing how many kids of rock stars names i know like i was like you know i need to stop remembering i bet there were a bunch of like MTV punk shows that were really annoyed that Goop was taken.

It's such a dissonant sounding name for what it produces. Oh, what do you want? Health products? Oh, have some Goop. It is also the least sexy thing that sounds like it has to do with sex. You know? Yes, like a UTI or whatever. You know, like it's wrong to say.

Oh, he's got the goop. It's like if someone had a kink which was bad dirty talk, like unsexy dirty talk. I feel like goop would come out of that brainstorming session. Is that like dirty talk edging where you just you'll say something and then put in a weird word to like put them off slightly the fact that i think that a brainstorming session comes before foreplay is probably indicative of some deep issues

that's what the b in bdsm stands for You brainstorm and then you get to all the rest. I want a mind map. That's the M. There's got to be a D in this then. Unfortunately, it is dick. I'm sorry, but at some point you have to get down to the central function of what we're doing. Brainstorm Dick mind map. Brainstorm Dick submission deadline.

That's it. There we go. Mind map. Well, look at that. That was a very successful brainstorming session. Our section number one in this week's edition is an animals section, which is pretty exciting. A marine worm which has 100 butts that each can grow eyes and a brain exists.

That's the first sentence of this section. James Colley, you're our science correspondent. Please explain this story. I'm your many-butt correspondent. Well, this story ran under the headline Meet the Marine Worm with 100 Butts That Can Each Grow Eyes and a Brain, correspondent well um this story ran under the headline meet the marine worm with a hundred butts that can each grow eyes and a brain to which i say no i do not want to meet frankly any worm go and meet a remarkable worm is still not a great offer for me so if you say i have a lovecraftian

horror worm i particularly don't wish to meet it. But apparently, these worms, when they're ready to reproduce, their butts grow an eye and a brain. And if I'm honest, there have been many nights in my past where I was, shall we say, ready to reproduce, where I wish I could have grown a second brain just to double-check that decision. But, be that as it may, that second brain should absolutely not be put in the hands of my butt.

Though if my last week of terrible eating has taught me anything, it's that the butt bears the consequences for the fleeting thoughts of the brain. So maybe it is appropriate. But part of me wonders when I was reading this, part of me was wondering like, if you are in the time of a pandemic, of great inequality, of a world on a tipping point and you are a scientist and you are handed the map to the universe are you embarrassed when you have to reveal that you have discovered the many-butted

worm like if you are in the green room for the nobel prize nomination ceremony and the people at cern who are pulling apart the fabric of the universe ask you what do you do do you just lie and say oh I did the COVID vaccine that was my work a worm with many butts right is much better than a butt with many worms and I think that sounds like an old proverb like it's just and I want to go into more detail on the butts if that's okay with you guys please I mean yes please so consent is So in this other color, right? Consent is important when we're talking about butt stuff. Definitely. But I'm glad that you sorted and received it.

Definitely. Don't just go in and hope for the best and then go, oh, I didn't know you didn't want to talk about butt stuff. It was on the table. Money. I've been on the wrong end of Manny of that time with people. Each one of these worm butts contain a ring of serotonin releasing nerve endings, right? Which someone tried to tell me that about my own butt once.

But I had quite a heavy meal before, so I declined. Like I wasn't willing to explore that. I'm sorry. I mean, this glossy magazine is going to have a sealed section if we're not careful. Especially when I do the gargle. I feel like I always bring the gargle down. And I feel so like...

I mean, you do. I'm not going to argue. This is the backwash this week. It's because I was brought up a Catholic and now I'm an adult and i can say what i like and i'm like but um but apparently like uh oh yeah this is the other thing this worm butt worm thing spends most of its time with a head in the sponge and if i had a serotonin releasing nerve endings ring in my butt i would keep my head in the sponge most of the time too the part of this study that really stuck out to me from let's let's say my peak of maturity

was that i found out while reading this that the plural of anal openings is any as in like are you okay any or any which is it's about because i assumed anuses or buttholes, but then I thought like, never have I been confronted by many buttholes at once and finding the correct grouping noun was my main worry. Like what, yeah, what is a group of buttholes called? Is it like, like, you know, like a murder of crows or something? What's that?

A gas field of. Yes, there we go. Perfect, James. A gas field of yes there we go perfect james a gas field of buttholes i mean moving on in our animals section um i mean we could talk about branching buttholes all day but uh this is exciting science news uh about cats cats previously considered completely chaotic creatures incapable of reason or order have been found to be actually quite ordered indeed they enjoy sitting in square shapes apparently they like to to sit in things that look like squares in things that are squares in things that are boxes in things that are holes cats love a bit of that and I feel like this introduction of order into the psychology of a cat really sort of confirms my my thesis when a lot of people say that cats are shameless I think cats

feel only shame like me and that's why they're so aloof yeah so uh as Alison Spittel as someone who feels only shame uh can you expound on this story? I'll tell you about the story, then I'll tell you my thesis on cats, right? So these scientists have studied. They noticed that cats were going to 3D holes that are shaped square. So then they decided, why don't we make a 2D shaped square and see what a cat does? And the cat sat in this. Now, the person that did this study said that they were

inspired by watching like a flatmate's cat who had uh gone into a 2d square i mean how flat was this flatmate i'm a and this is why i love doing this podcast but like i think scientists should stop lying about how they're inspired uh to do uh studies and just say they got high and looked at memes on the internet like that is i i genuinely think like scientists always do studies but then they always have to say how they're inspired to do the studies and no one ever says you know what i smoked a joint i looked on twitter saw a cute cat i was like i gotta i gotta study this so they're trying to say that cats like they like boxes even shapes that are outlined on the floor and I don't know how much more

detail I can give you about this story because I read this and I was like I don't know why scientists keep trying to figure out cats right cats don't give a shit about you they don't give a shit about anything you love they don't want anything to do with you and you studying them seems needy and you've no dignity when you study a cat

do you know what you should study? A dog a dog would be honoured by you studying them seems needy. And you've no dignity when you study a cat. Do you know what you should study? A dog. A dog would be honoured by you studying it and its behaviour. It would love it because a dog's heart is true, right? And I think... Can you respect an animal that's been bred to be a sycophant? Alice in Spittle. Look, I don't respect a lot of things, but I like it, right?

And, like, are you a cat person? You it right and like are you a cat person you are a cat are you a cat person alice more of a person person i i have no preference between cats and dogs i think there are some nice ones of each i realize this is controversial i don't prefer melbourne over sydney or vice versa i think they both have their own good qualities and it depends what you're in the mood for you know sometimes you just want to sit and have a bit of a read and not be bothered and sometimes you want to go for a happy run in the park and uh in that case you want to have either a cat or a dog available to you alice i don't know what do you base your personality on if it's not

because i've definitely based my personality on being ambivalent at best towards cats. Maybe it's because I'm allergic to them as well. And the body and the mind is kind of combining and saying you don't want one of those. You don't want that in your life. But yeah, so the study for me, I was very uninterested in it at the start because I felt like this was a study

that was going to get results that nobody wanted, especially the cat. I think the cat's just f***ing with the scientists i mean the cat the cat doesn't care about the square doesn't doesn't doesn't matter to the cat they just they just want to waste scientific money and they've succeeded and a dog wouldn't do that that's all i'm saying i i think you're right like the firstly i with your inspiration i agree that this, of all studies, has terrible inspiration. So you're right. They said they saw their housemate's cat

after seeing a lecture on dogs falling for optical illusions. So firstly, I don't think that's inspiration. It's like if Pepsi was created because someone took a sip of Coke and was like, I just came up with a great idea for a drink. Secondly, he's like, I want to hear a lot more about dogs falling for optical illusions, because in my mind, that is a lecture where at the start, a scientist pretends to throw a ball, and then for the rest of the hour,

they just meticulously map out exactly where the dog thinks the ball has gone. But this is very advanced science uh you would all know quantum duality was famously explained by schrodinger through the analogy of the cat in the box but schrodinger himself never dared to ask why the cat was in the box in the first place which was a failure of physics of psychiatry and a failure of the animal welfare groups who really should have been keeping an eye on this whole situation. And it's not for small cats either. That's the other part that fascinated me like this.

Tigers like to be inside rectangles, which explains why you see them in cages at the zoo and why they can often be found on cereal boxes, which are famously rectangular. And I'm sure across certain things named after cats because my beloved hometown rugby league team is called the Penrith panthers and they always stay in the field of play which is a rectangle but they never enter the winner's circle oh i don't even know what that's in reference to but i think i do and i feel very

i'm like i could be in australia i could hold a conversation go panthers and that story is uh to a Quantum of Science, which is a brilliant Instagram account you should be following. I think, James Colley, you're one of the researchers in that institute, aren't you? Yes, I work on very important studies, which is the collation and uploading of the dumbest science headlines we ever find. I think it's important because everyone thinks science is real smart. Even conspiracy theorists think they're too smart for their own good or they're trying to trick us. I think it's always good to have a counterbalancing subject.

Every industry has a media department and it's important that we remember that. You really are the placebo group for the nobel prize i think we just found a subtitle your ad section now because who else is going to carve footholds in the cliffside of your psychology for the creeping claws of anxiety and competitive capitalist resource relativism to take hold and a new novel is out by self-published romance maven and online bestseller dancy lagarde in this dimension the earl of birds reluctant bride a historical romance thriller mystery detective novel with a supernatural twist mintoninton is the grief-stricken Earl, a third son never intended to attain the title,

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whoever wins find out now by signing up online. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era.

Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com Now it's time for your second section, your environment section.

Deeply depressing news now. The news that active radioactivity is more hospitable to animal life than the presence of human habitation. James Colley, you're known for having meltdowns. Can you give us the download on this story i'm gonna melt down about that later but yeah no this is this is really interesting so it's it's declaring uh chernobyl an environmental success which is the kind of lie i tell when i'm trying to get my bond back like no no that's not a nail hole in the wall it's a form of acupuncture that

helps the house relax and breathe and this is a tribute to looking on the bright side of life the side so bright that it's glowing and that you really shouldn't be within 100 kilometers of it or you'll be dead before you finish whistling the chorus but the metrics by which they have called this a success are incredible one of those metrics those metrics, if I may quote, is, wolves have increased by sevenfold. So don't worry, people. You thought this area was a disaster zone. Well, shows what you know.

It's actually overrun by radioactive wolves. Though this might be a clue for the rest of us. Embrace nature and embrace nuclear. They don't have to be one or the other. Go for a hike wearing radioactive wear. Or if you're a more peaceful type, go fishing. I mean, is this just another way of selling nuclear as green energy? Yeah, bright, bright green energy.

I'm very excited, though, about all these radioactive animals I would really like to see an elk stop a mugging the way that superheroes do, you know what I mean? I'd love to see these animals kind of fight crime. Also, it is so strange, they've made Chernobyl into an environmental

success story well that's good, here's a solution to another environmental problem we have now why don't we nuke the amazon like if we nuke the amazon i feel like it would make stuff go back to normal and we would have you know like the way they're treating this as an environmental success i think we really should nuke the amazon like it should be an option on the table i feel they're destroying it anyway let's nuke it let's nuke it oh this is the other thing they also say that there's a barley and wheat growing as well around this area and i think we

could raise money by making um like a like a vodka that's been distilled seven times it's very expensive and we could call the vodka because it's made from radioactive grains and it's a vodka and it's very expensive we could call it toxic masculinity the drink and it would be fantastic we'd make so much money and we'd probably kill a few people that wear fedoras, like I feel like

it's a win-win in that situation, but I do feel like a drink made out of nuclear hops would sell very well and it would be the worst of the worst that would drink it. You know, they'd feel that they could handle that. And let them.

Let them handle it. Which brings me to our next section, the pull-out radioactive mutant animal quiz now. Which of these four major made-up mutant animals would you be? An owl-woe like an owl and a palindrome had a horrible accident an owl woe is like an owl but more so and in the opposite direction as well everything about an owl that's upsetting but also 180 degrees the other way around

when you said everything about an illness, I'm sad. I was like, everything. Or are you a horse-opotamus? Smug classic students have often told you that hippopotamus means water horse. Boy, would they scream as loudly as you when they see this horrifying hybrid of equine, water, and actual mouse. It's 140% water, 30% patches of hair and 62% screams. Or would you be a spider rabbit? All the cuteness of a rabbit, all the eggs and fangs of a spider.

And the fourth one, which you don't see coming. Find out now by doing our pull-out section, Radioactive Mutant Animal Quiz today. I would go for spider rabbit just for clarity. Owl-wo owl all the way which in my head is just an owl at both sides that if it turns if like there's a noise to the left and right at the same time it just splits in two could you could you imagine our school kids back in the 90s used to get a lot of school photos with holding owls i'd love to see it with an owl

an owl the casualties like well it's sort of like you know how it's got an owl on top, but it's also an owl on the bottom. That sounds like quite a difficult life for this owl. I suppose you didn't say it was going to be easy, Alice, did you? Life's not easy. Which brings us to our reviews section uh where you bring in something to review each of you out of five stars james collie what have you brought in for us well you know i love to stay on the top of pop culture news so this is a shout out to the latest seasons of mash

i've been watching the latest seasons of mash lately because my wife has been out of town and while the cat's away the mice will lie on the couch miss their partner watch hours of mindless television and wonder why this metaphor has a predator prey relationship that's right the latest season of mash the real mash heads know what i'm talking about potter winchester bj has a mustache they've abandoned the concept of time because the show has been running twice as long as the war now you will have heard that it's incredibly maudlin and self-serious and that's true but what they don't tell you is at the same time they've run out of ideas for the normal storylines so you'll have the point of view of a

wounded soldier struggling to survive the horrors of war followed up by radar learns the trombone followed up by the endless agony of the impossible choices of a 30-hour meatball surgery shift, followed by the old Colonel gets horny. Are you watching terrestrial TV in Australia at about 3.30pm on any given network at any given day? Then check out the latest seasons of MASH. Out of five? Five stars.

Five star general. Alison, what have you brought in for us? So I've decided to review putting batteries in your mouth. This is my review. It's a bit different to bash, but it was a childhood pastime of mine. I stopped doing it pastime implies almost a schedule it would have been alice it would have been i just i just really liked the feeling of batteries

in my mouth when i was younger and i used to like rolling them around uh the back of my gums and then i forgot once i had a battery in my mouth and just chewed and a lot of acid went into my mouth and I spat it out. And that was the last time since I was a child that I put batteries in my mouth. But in preparation for this podcast, I realized five minutes before the podcast

I hadn't thought of anything to review and I saw a battery on the table, popped it in my mouth, and thought I would describe the feeling for you now. Please, please. Please do. I mean, you could have just remembered. But go right ahead. I know.

No, you need the short short sharp energy burst that only comes from having a battery in your mouth i'm not gonna let down alice i'm not gonna go in half hours this is like a romantic gesture in one of those rom-com films where the guy just does something that the lady really didn't ask for. Definitely. And yet, you've won my heart. Opens the back of the boom box, takes a D battery out. John Cusack chews on it while his face just stays still.

Yeah, this is my version of running through an airport for you, Alice. The Raiders of the Lost Ark meets John Cusack that we've all wanted. The face-melting joke. So the first feeling of putting the battery in my mouth, nostalgia. I felt eight years old again like I took it out of the back of a Furby. With my lifeless Furby looking at me while I eat its life force. That's what I said then uh I remembered since being an adult I have fillings right that I didn't have when I was a

child and what can only be described as a massive shooting pain going around the top of my head I mean talk about a comedy circuit and as I went to spit it out my tongue hit the back of the battery where the power goes in and a little buzz hit me and I spat it out and I said to myself I must never tell anyone about this but then I remembered I did it for a review so i am telling you so

so all in all i'm giving it three out of five uh three out of five uh five for nostalgia but minus two for pain and uh danger so that's my that's my review oh i mean allison spittle that leads us on to our next section, which is our science section. Your self-experimentation has gone celebrated and applauded. Let it not be lost to the tides of history. If I don't see some fan art depicting you licking a battery, I will be deeply disappointed in our audience.

If the audience wants to know it's a double A just for scale, if they want to do that, they can. Now it's time for our science section. In Italy, a land run by passion and art, everyone seems to have forgotten the science part of vaccination because a lady was given six times too much Pfizer vaccine. This is an incredible story. I'm distracted from the meat of the story by the fact that,

obviously, in the last post-universe, Italy is run by the Wiggles government, and I met Murray from the original Wiggles the other night after a show, and it was extremely hard for me not to tell him about the alternate universe in which he rules Italy. You said it with your eyes he knows i recognized him and then he introduced himself and said i'm murray and then he went i was in the wiggles and i went i wasn't allowed to watch television as though i didn't recognize him which i absolutely did that's an incredible power play to make a wiggle name themselves and then say

haven't heard of you that's unbelievable you should get themselves and then say, haven't heard of you. That's unbelievable. You should get a skivvy for that. I haven't heard of you, but I've been writing fan fiction about you for a year. Now there's a rom-com. Absolutely. Back to the jab story.

James Colley, you have watched the Wiggles before. Tell us about this Pfizer vaccine situation. James Colley, you're a prick. Let's go through this. Well, personally, I'm jealous. Our vaccine rollout for Alice and I has been quite botched here, while this woman has been given so much vaccine, she's basically a wanton

filled with COVID-crushing soup. You'd just feel immortal, wouldn't you? You'd walk down the street licking every pole you pass, daring strangers to spit in your mouth. We did have a similar case in Queensland in Australia where two people were given four doses each. And that is four doses, far too many, but is also the amount in one vial.

So at least it's an understandable mistake. mistake whereas here if it's the same kind of vial i only have to assume what's happened is they've taken an entire vial put it in her then decide to top her up with half of another vial like when you're filling your car with petrol and it's pretty full but you just want to hit a nice round number the poor victim here is 23 year old medical trainee and the shot was administered by a nurse and i think if that happens the two have to swap roles it's like if you spot a cop doing a crime you should be allowed to arrest them which is a rule that america and australia have a very hard time understanding i feel like this is the equivalent of uh you know sometimes you go to

mcdonald's and you order mcnuggets and you know, six pack, but you get seven and you're like, oh, this is the opposite to that. This is very bad to get seven doses. Like, I feel like if you were if you were to die of an overdose of COVID vaccine, that feels like the most 2021 death ever. Like it is a death that like makes up the whole year. And she's okay and everything like that, but it does feel like the nurse was just trying to give her COVID. You know what I mean? Because how much does it add up to actually giving you the disease?

James, sorry to disappoint you, but it was a six vial, a six dose vial, because they have their vials bigger in Italy. They got one of those extra large vials. Yeah, it's like those big tanks of olive oil. It's like, you know, the way you see the Italians, like we have normal, not normal, but we have like glass bottles of olive oil and they have like petrol tanks full of olive oil. They just do it bigger in Italy.

My friend, Emma Gutty, who's a volcanologist, a volcano studier, who's currently working on Mars. Of course you have a friend that's a volcanologist. Sorry to interrupt, but that feels like the most Alice Fraser friend. Technically, they're called Vulcans. Live long and prosper. She said that the Italians were bemused when we had a run on toilet paper because they had a run on olive oil. And I said, she was on my podcast Tea with Alice, and I said, why do you think that is?

And she said, well, we're more interested in what goes in than what comes out. I'm not going to say anything. We've done too much butt stuff already. It's like... If you've done enough olive oil oil there's no such thing as i'm so happy you said that family show all right family glossy magazine now we're up to the final section for this edition of the gargle this is our real estate

section classically towards the end of the magazine looking through things that you can't afford and here may be something you can afford the landowners of the eruption site of the volcano in fargradas fiao is that right i buy it mean, the points for attempting it was beautiful because you could have written around it, but that's not the Alice Fraser way. You go right at the teeth of that impossible name. The landowners for Grønlandsfjall state that the land

is now for sale. The land on which there is currently, right now, an active volcano is for sale. Get it while it's hot. Say a thousand headlines written by underpaid journalists having to do the job of copy editors because traditional media is on its deathbed stop trying to compete with the internet traditional media your point of difference is fact checking and resource deployment not speed and clickbait if you try to wrestle with the internet over speed

and sassy headlines you will lose and the pig will like it james will you buy some volcano land of course i will this is a brilliant investment. Volcanoes invent land. It's like buying the treasury department if the treasury had to kill you to perform its function correctly, which it kind of does, but in a slower, less dramatic way. And it looks great on a write-up as well. Riverside views. What is it a river of? Never you mind. The only thing I was worried worried about was do you think this is what happened to the people of pompeii because all this time i'd been feeling bad for them but what if it turns out they're property investors and that pompeii is their holiday house as they rent

out a one-bedroom apartment in athens to nine students at a time which would make sense because what i know of the people frozen in time in pompe, at least one of them was a massive wanker. Yeah. I was thinking that if I, if I did buy a house where a volcano was, I would just have like, you know, and the volcano was going, I didn't have time. I would just have a massive wank and hope for the best. Like I'd be like, at least I'll leave something behind. You know, if you're going to die in a volcano thing,

confuse people. That's my thing. The thing about ancient history is that it's more romantic, right, than modern history, because modern history is more graphic and recent. But, of course, Pompeii, you feel sad for all of those people because you can see the shapes of them in the ashes and the dust. But on the other hand, most people in history were racists.

So... It's an undeniable fact. in the ashes and the dust, but on the other hand, most people in history were racists, so... It's an undeniable fact. Are you trying to cancel the people of Pompeii? You're going through their tweets. I mean, don't buy there. This story was sent in by Carrie Toulinius, by the way, Katolis on Twitter.

If you have a story, do send us in to us at HelloGogglers on Twitter. Sorry, carry on, James. Oh, no, it's just like the people of Pompeii should not be buying there. Like, frankly, it is a town most famous for the disastrous eruption of Pompeii. That should trigger immediately. If I hear the word Pompeii, I think volcano going to erupt. It would be ridiculous to buy a property there. So I suppose i've reversed my position and i am turning down this impossible to pronounce island you really are the alwo of real estate it must be very cheap land but like uh i'd say it would be very expensive to insure like i'm sure if you were trying to go to an insurance broker and you were like i'm building

a house on a volcano you know can i say yeah i'm moving out of a house now and getting rid of your crap is really hard and the idea that you have a volcano in your backyard that like i love that americans have that garbage disposal thing as a shame hole in their house that you can put anything in imagine having a volcano i could finally marie Kondo the hell out of my life. Well, I would definitely like to keep tabs on whoever does buy this volcano because as we've seen from films, people that buy volcanic layers, they're bad people.

Do you know what I mean? They never cross to the charity and orphanage they've set up in the pit of the volcano no no like a layer as well normally indicates bad things like it's never like you know nice people don't live in layers

it's a big thing that brings us to the end of today's edition of the gargle we're flipping through the ads section at the back of the newspaper. There's an ad for slightly used floral curtains in a 60s style that might inspire you to do anything. Who knows? There's also an ad for a sprinkler system

that they will install in the night while you're not watching and you'll only know that it exists when you accidentally step on it and it sprays you in your vulnerable places in the middle of the night. Now, James, have you got anything to plug? Well, I think the best way, aside from my sprinkler system that I'd love for you to pick up, would be to plug I'm on Twitter at Jam Collie

or a quantum of science on Instagram, which I have never plugged in my life. And it is such a wonderful thing to actually push that, that i just do for fun because it's the silliest use of my time and it makes me happy literally every day so i'm delighted to provide a platform for you to present that and we'll flip through a few more ads a swimming pool i think you have to go and collect it yourself but it's half price so that's convenient and Alison Spittel

have you got anything to plug? Yeah my Twitter and Instagram is at Alison Spittel I have a podcast with Fern Brady called Wheel of Misfortune

which you can find on BBC Sounds and because I'm on with two Australians I'm going to promote my TV show which is on Stan Australia

and it's called Nowhere Fast and it's literally that's the only place you can find it in the world. It was made about three years ago and it's there. And I think it's on some British Airways flights so very exclusive.

So it's called Nowhere Fast and you can check it out there. I'm going to watch it and then I'm going to fly to where you are watching it again to tell you how good it is that brings us to the end of today's edition of The Gargle your editor for today is Ped Hunter the executive producer is Christopher Skinner

this is an Alice Fraser and The Bugle Podcast's production I'll talk to you again next week you can listen to other programs from The Bugle including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions I'll talk to you again next week.