The Glass Cannon Podcast - Giantslayer Episode 10 - Shut Up, Kid!

Episode Date: August 4, 2015

Tensions run high as the evil below the Plague House is revealed, the players nearly mutiny when they believe Troy is intentionally trying to kill all of the characters and the heroes deeply regret allowing themselves to be goaded into foolhardiness by some stupid kid! For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com. To become an official member of the Naish, subscribe today at http://www.jointhenaish.com. Want to be a part of Glass Cannon Nation? Follow us at twitter.com/glasscannonpod instagram.com/theglasscannon facebook.com/glasscannonnetwork tiktok.com/@glasscannonnetwork Get the best apparel and gaming accessories in the biz at https://glasscannonnetwork.com/store If you enjoyed this, we have several other series featuring Call of Cthulhu - Time For Chaos Delta Green - Get in the Trunk Pathfinder 2E - Glass Cannon Live! Strange Aeons Pathfinder 1E - Legacy of the Ancients Traveller - Voyagers of the Jump and so much more! Join us every Thursday night for Campaign Two of The Glass Cannon Podcast – a playthrough of the Pathfinder 2E Gatewalkers Adventure Path! Videos premiere on YouTube Thursday nights at 8PM ET with a companion podcast available at midnight. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week on the Glass Cannon Podcast. Honestly, like, don't we have to run at this point? I think that we do. We have to run. That's it. The players find themselves in an impossible situation and have only the DM to blame. We're on fire and have no strength and no healing. Like, what is the point?

Oh, so he's just going to burn to death and there's nothing we can do. Drove us into a combat he knew we couldn't win. We would have other attacks if you hadn't pressured us to come in here without fucking resting. Talk of mutiny infects the morale of the crew. He's the worst. Troy is the worst.

Sorry, I'm sorry. Guys, let's kill Troy in real life. And Skid makes a chilling realization. I have another explanation. Troy is tired of doing the podcast he wants to kill all of us we don't have to do it anymore that's my it's the only logical explanation i can't think of any other reason why this is happening the adventure continues maybe Howdy, partners. This is Baron, the Dwarven Gunslinger,

and Grant Berger, the voice in Baron's head. Last time you left us, Baron and Othdan had chided and embarrassed the group into going one room further than they wanted to. Our group is diseased and we're out of heals. What will the consequences of this decision be? You'll find out soon. But after you listen, please follow us at Glass Cannon Pod on Twitter, email us at glasscannonpodcast at gmail.com, visit our website, glassconpodcast.com, and subscribe and rate on iTunes. We'd love to hear any ideas you have for the show,

and we'd love to get back to you. Without further ado, here's the episode. And we're back here with the Glass Cannon Podcast. The entire crew just ate seven pizzas in about five minutes, so if we fall asleep halfway through this episode, blame job. I love pizza for his heavily doed pizza. That was some good ass pizza,

man. It's a good slice. It's good. Mediocre. It's a good slice. So if I, if I recall correctly, the last thing that happened is this punk teenager kid that we just saved

called us pussies for trying to leave and rest and take him back to town, saying that we need to go deeper into this thing without any spells or healing or anything. I think Troy's in his 30s, by the way, not a teenager. And I'm no punk. Yo, no, that's exactly what happened. He called you out. Is he any relation to Tom Exposition? Uh, yo, no, that's exactly what happened. He, um, he called you out. Um,

is he any relation to Tom exposition? It's his son. It's his long lost son. It is Tom jr. He gave us a lot of like good information despite his attitude. His name's off Dan exposition. Okay. All right.

Come from a line, long line of off Dan's. Uh, so yeah, you've, you've found this kid, you found 55 platinum pieces, which was Lork's insane perception check. Which was kept in a pile of coal, by the way.

That makes no sense, but I like it. It seems odd, but... The last place you'd look. Always the last place you'd look. Don't look in the wood pile. Actually, I should explain the economy. I did a calculation once so like a gold piece is basically worth a hundred dollars so in a platinum piece is worth 10 gold pieces so

that's a thousand dollars so that's how much is that fifty five thousand dollars yeah yeah because it's found 55 grand yeah that's that's quite a haul, man. Baron's going to buy himself a Mercedes. Yeah, so basically hidden in a pile of coal we found $55,000 of somebody's money. In cash. $55,000 in cash. Right, so when you think about it like that, you're kind of like, we need to be looking over our shoulder. No one here is lawful good, right? This was $55,000 of the mob's money?

Yeah. Then it gets bad. Yeah, good question, Gormley. Is anybody lawful good, right? This was $55,000 of the mob's money? Yeah. Then it gets bad. Yeah, good question, Gormley. Is anybody lawful good? No. So we have no compulsion to return this money, right? Absolutely not. Yeah, Lurk is not.

No, no. We don't return this money. We turn this in for better equipment. You're all chaotic thieves. Hey, man, it's a rough city. Trudow's a rough city. It's hard out there. It's hard out there. It's hard out there for a pimp.

So what did everybody think? I think Baron got totally fired up by this kid calling us pussies and was like, I'm going in. Is that what we're doing? Yeah, the only thing is there's a door on the other side of this exit. We came into this room by way of a secret door at the end of a hallway, and there are other entrances in this room. I don't think we should take those in the event that they're trapped, if we know that they don't lead anywhere else.

I think we should backtrack through the dungeon and explore the areas we have not been to yet. Right, and there's two doors left to explore, and they're close enough to each other in within the basement to that it could be one room it could be one large ish room especially if it's like the room we just entered with the gelatinous cube which had two doors right exactly it could be very similar uh laid out you know this architect was a maniac it's pretty much a simple square uh well yeah a simple square basement so well let's just go through this closest door um okay so let's go through uh through the door that uh what's that guy's name the half-orc ductani that ductani must

have fled through because there were two doors down the hallway he fled. The one led into the room that the kid was trapped in, but we took a secret door into that room. We backtrack out, and I'd like to do a perception check on the other door in that hallway, the only one that Daktani could have gone through. Instead of exiting through the door that's in the furnace room that you know leads directly to there, you're going to go back around. Yeah, we're going to go back out through the secret door. Did you even try that door? No. Oh, no, you were nervous that it was it was trapped yeah we didn't want to mess with it all right so you're just backtracking around and we can if anyone disagrees

with me it's just no i mean that makes sense that's that's smart uh we know where it goes to i mean smart metagaming uh okay so you're gonna perception check on this door yeah perception check on that door. I just want to see if I hear anything. Sure. Ooh, 25. You hear birds chirping. No.

25. 25. You hear... Let's see if I can do this. A Scrivener. Bottlebee, is that you? That's pretty good foley work. I prefer not to answer.

I like that. So is that scratching or is that writing? Is it literally writing? Yeah, you're right. It could be scratching because Troy's a terrible foley artist. Could be another rat. Spot on! Do we want to line up for combat here? We'll put Lork in front, Baron behind, and on down.

What are we going to do with the kid? Do we just tell him to kind of stay in the back? Leave him tied up in the furnace room. Just hide him under the coal. No one will find him. We said we're not lawful good. Let's burn him and put him in. Don't worry.

The kid can hang back with me. Come with us, Othdan. In this urn. Yeah, here. You'll be fine. Hang out with this terrifying witch. That's your punishment for being a dick. We found your new babysitter.

Don't you dare roleplay Gormley ever again, Galabras. I don't want to hear that laugh. Isn't that very stereotypical witch? I know. I can't get what you do. I can't do it like you do it. I should stop trying. The raw sexual charisma of Gormley and Howie.

I do think that they would show up in the hot tub with Will Ferrell in that sketch from SNL where they play Lavas with... Who's that? Rachel Dratch. Rachel Dratch,atch yes and will ferrell yeah i saw her in a museum once she was not on display she was visiting the museum she was she was partaking

of the art display on snl characters who couldn't get their own movie after the show was done yeah i should have clarified uh so the party order right now is lork baron and then uh galabras and gormley seat correct and then off then right yeah and then off then in the back off then in tow as it were right uh gormley's gonna keep an eye on you just like hey hang out there boy yeah exactly okay so unlike all the rooms you've been in so far this is uh the grant Just like, hang out there, boy. Yeah, exactly. Okay. So unlike all the rooms you've been in so far, this is the quote-unquote grandest of them. This once grand flagstone hall is filled with statues of different celestial creatures in every corner. An old fire pit in the center of the room is bordered on all sides by moth-eaten bedrolls, while shovels, picks,

and other digging equipment lie strewn about a shallow tunnel bored into the northeastern wall. The ceiling above the tunnel has collapsed, leaving a hole open to the sky above a pile of burnt rubble, which you'll remember was... Right, was where

Gormley almost fell in. Right. Oh. Yeah.. In many episodes ago. And that, you can see the room is probably about 20 feet or so above you. You can see the light streaming in. The ceiling is 20 feet up? Yeah. Well, if there was a ceiling there, it would be

20 feet. But it all collapsed when this pit was done. So part of this room has ceiling. And then the northern part of it. Right, the part where the tunnel was being dug, above that is where the ceiling's collapsed. Okay, so this is what I see from the door. I'll try to stealthily walk in the room and do perception among these statues, basically.

and do perception among these statues, basically. I want to see if I can see this half-orc dude hiding behind any of them. Daktani. I keep forgetting his name. Sounds like a great cocktail. So can I roll stealth? Yeah, sure. Fifteen on the stealth.

And I want to roll perception as I slowly walk in the room and just kind of keeping an eye behind the statues. Okay. Roll your perception. 10. Not very good, but I'm going to slowly start walking in. Okay. Lork.

So you enter the room, and you just see what I've described. You don't see or hear anybody else. Okay, and then to Lork's left, there is the tunnel that is being dug. So someone came in here and just started digging a tunnel through the wall. Now, do I see the end of the tunnel? It got started but never went anywhere? Can't see how far it goes. Oh, so it disappears.

So he's got darkvision, you know. I can also throw a lighted object in there. Get another urn? Let's go urn bowling. Urn bowling. Let's do it. Urn bowling? What I would like to do is with stone cunning, I'd like to

walk up and down the length of the hallway, and if I pass within 10 feet of traps or hidden doors in the stonework, I receive my own check to see if it's there. So you alert me

as I walk up and down if I get a check. You get all the way to the end and back, and you don't sense any type of traps. Or unusual openings or hidden doors. No. Okay. The only opening in the room is the door that you came in,

another door on the opposite side of the room, which leads to a hallway that you had already checked out further that leads back to the bear-trapped hallway, and then this tunnel leading who knows where. All right. So who, I mean, there's going to be gonna be trouble down here i mean this guy ran down here there's gonna be trouble i mean this kid gave us a potion of cure light wounds you know who's who's handling that do you have a cure spell left no i'm avarice no you have no ability to cure i only

have my domain spell left which is true strike you should carry the uh sorry lark should carry the the healing potion as you're our frontline fighter yeah and i can still channel uh yeah channeling is great once more no i thought you used the last one you used the last one and rolled a six remember we all got six we were excited oh you're right you're right um right when we went to look at the secret passage that led to the boy off Dan. Well, does this passageway possibly lead to that bottomless pit? That's what it seems like, yeah. I mean, it seems like the bottomless pit is right over us right now, right? Just a little bit in.

Right. It just seemed bottomless from up where you were. Oh, so this is the bottom. So they just might throw people down here. It might just be a red herring type of thing we might not be able to go anywhere there might not be any combat so we should okay what happened was gormley walked up to the edge of that pit and had to roll a reflex save otherwise the the thing fell so you guys weren't able to really inspect it much further after that because you couldn't get close enough to it without falling into it. I'd like to do a survival check to see if I can track Dr. Tani,

whatever his name is, down here, and see if I can see his tracks running this way, and also to see if there are any other tracks besides, I guess, troll tracks. All right, let me see his survival check. Natty, 20. 27. That's what I am talking about. So you are. alright let me see a survival check natty 20 27 that's what I am talking about we have the same survival bonus buddy

oh man you are in the middle of the room to your left is this tunnel and you're surrounded by these celestial statues and you see a trail of little tiny feet, like little, little, little tiny, almost like paw prints. And then you also see other prints of a humanoid figure

leading towards the other side of the room. And just as you notice that, two little things skitter out of the tunnel at you. Roll initiative. Here we go. I'm so glad we don't have healing. All right. Here we go.

These prints that I noticed, are they like paw-ish? Paw-ish, yeah. Like three talon-ish? Three fingers, yeah, similar to a rat. Okay. You have knowledge, nature, Lork? Yeah. Okay.

All right, MD over 20? 19 for Baron. Okay. Nice, Baron. There you go, Baron. What's your initiative bonus, Baron? Five. Five, good for you.

That'll do. Lork, what'd you get? I got a 13. Gormley? 15. Galabras. One. One.

Again. He's the loneliest Galabras that you'll ever do. Okay. Out from this tunnel, you see these disgusting-looking little rats, but they don't look like the rats that you uh faced upstairs instead look like this which i'll put a picture on the tumblr they look like the rats of nim yeah they do rats of nim were intelligent creatures are they like

the it looks like it's intelligent but they like the rats you find in like mexico city that you like bring back to the states and like keep as a dog but then later. But they're like the rats you find in Mexico City that you bring back to the States and keep as a dog, but then later find out they're a rat. Who's the you in this? That happened to me. You in this area. That happened to me. Okay.

Are they rat-sized or are they large? No, they are rat-sized. They are tiny, little, creepy-looking creatures. Okay, and the first one goes to Bite Mr. Lork. Oh, jeez. Here we go. Eleven. Miss!

Hey! Okay. Dodged it. And then the other one, all of a sudden, you see a change in, like, it almost becomes translucent. It goes from this disgusting, disease-looking thing to this sort of

translucent version of itself. It still looks disgusting, but it's going in and out of corporealness. And it also tries to bite Lork and Mrs. And now it's Baron's

turn. So to the left of Lork and Mrs. And now it's Baron's turn. So to the left of Lork is one of these rats and Baron will draw his weapon and take a shot. Fumble! Oh no!

Which means for a gunslinger that my weapon misfired and it currently has a broken condition. So that's a minus to all your hit. But I still have one grid point left from the last daring thing I did. Actually killing the ooze. And I will be able to quick clear my weapon next round and it won't be broken. Are we doing the thing where we're confirming fumbles, Troy?

I think I'm going to wait until a higher level to do that. Okay. I also don't think that that is the situation for a gunslinger. The gunslinger is just if you roll a one, that happens. Okay. Because fumbles are not really part of the rules anyway. So should he draw a fumble card then? No, because he's got his own built-in penalty for a gunslinger fumble. I'd be

double penalized at that point. Unless we can get a gunslinger fumble deck. Is a gun a magical weapon? No, I mean, I think it should be both. I mean, you should confirm the fumble. If he did fumble, he should take a card in addition to having

the perfect condition. Okay, we'll decide. We will confirm fumbles, and if he confirms, then he'll take a card too because it's more fun. I confirm that. Oh, no. Nobody confirms fumbles like Barrett. Okay, so if you roll – you have to roll again, and if you miss, if the second roll would have been a miss, then that is a fumble, and you get to draw one of these really fun –

Unless a seven is a hit. It is not. So you get to draw – I had to say... Unless a seven is a hit. It is not. So you get to draw... I had to say no oohs. I had to make sure. One of these fun fumble cards. So it'd be ranged. This is perfect for Baron.

This one's called Not My Pony. What? So perfect. Your attack hits the nearest allied animal or mount we have done all right okay luck not my pony you get a pass you get a pass you get a pass what a great uh name for that not my pony not on my pony watch um okay and in the back of the room, you see Daktani appear. Where was he? He was invisible, and now he's visible, and he's just...

He's got this thing, and he throws it at Baron. A sling? No, it's like this bag that's got got fire attached to it molotov that just naturally happened same thing you threw before uh a couple episodes ago 23 to hit nope i have a 52 yes it hits okay uh oh boy okay so i'm not gonna feel good after this It functions like a tangle foot bag But this is a tangle burn bag So I don't know what even a tangle foot bag does I think you're tripped

I think it just trips you But this one also deals fire damage So it hits you Trips you, I'll look it up for sure You take 5 points of fire damage, and you need to make a DC 20 reflex save or catch on fire. Oh, God. I can't imagine why he uses this as a weapon.

Is this a spell-like ability? No. 11. What, on the reflex save yes alright so you are currently the fire is

running up your clothes so basically for the next two rounds you can try to extinguish the flame with the DC 25 reflex save

or you can try and think of another method to it with a DC 25 reflex save. Or you can try and think of another method to it. It's pretty brutal. What damage did I take? You took five points of fire damage. So you're glued to the floor. And not feeling hot. Oh wait, I am feeling hot.

Oh wait. So that's the Tanglefoot. A little hot on the collar. So that's the tangle foot. It is your glue to the floor. Yeah. So you're locked in place. You basically can't, you lose your movement. I wish we had some universal solvent or something.

I also take a negative two penalty on attack rolls and a negative four penalty to dexterity. No, I get a reflex save to be glued to the floor. Well, that's a tangle, yeah. Okay. This is a fire version. Right. So you're glued to the floor.

I read it as, or I understood it as, you're glued to the floor and on fire. And I can break free making a DC 17 strength check. What about escape artist? Oh, yeah, that's true. The greater problem is that you're on fire. Uh, it is Gormley's turn. Gormley is going to evil eye... What's his name?

Daktani. Daktani. I keep wanting to say Drachnoff. I have a Daktani. Oh, Drachnoff. The only thing they have in common is they begin with D. All right, what is the will save? It is a DC...

Is it 14 or 15? 14, I believe. DC 14, yeah. Because I'm a level 2. A 14. 13 plus 1. Alright, but he's still fucked up for one round, right? Right, yeah.

So, actually, it's... Yeah, for one round. One round. And you can cackle? And I can cackle. So I'm going to cackle right now. Alright, so now it's going to take... What are you going to do as AC?

Minus 2 to your AC. Minus 2 to AC, okay. Let's hear the cackle. I'm still working onackle right now. All right, so now it's going to take... What are you going to do? Minus two to your AC. Minus two to AC, okay. Let's hear the cackle. I'm still working on it, guys. It's pretty good. Oath Don is like, I'm out of here. I knew this witch was bad news. All right, so he is much more vulnerable,

and now it is Lork's turn, standing in front of one of these disgusting rats and another one of them that is going in and out of Translucence. Right, right. Lork is going to stab at the one that is not Translucence. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

15. 15. 15 hits. All right. Come on, Lark. Let's do this. Eight points of damage. And you kill. All right.

Yes. Non-semi-translucent rat. There you go. All right, Lark. And now I will take a five foot step back and I would like to say Doctor Tony

what are you doing? None of your business See? This is my dungeon see? Don't judge me I'm asking the question to you see? It's Galavris' turn Or Gell

Gell is going to sensuously touch Baron on the lower back and whisper good luck. Come on.

He doesn't really do that. I was going to say, do both of our casters have to be complete creepos? No. I like pat him on the back, and I try to pat out the flames. I'm like, you need a little bit of luck, I think. And you get a bit of luck. So once again. Baron replies, I'm on fire!

So once again, for the next round, any time you roll a 20-sided die, you roll it twice and take the better result. Thank you, sir. All right. Round two. The first gross, disgusting rat is dead. The second one steps up to Lork, which means that you guys are playing grab ass over here.

Pay no attention to the players. This one steps up to here to attack Lork. Is that threaten? Oh, you know, because he just took a five foot step. Oh, I see. Yes, right.

Okay, so it goes to bite Lork. And it definitely hits. Lork's already diseased, right? Yeah. Or he will be diseased? Yeah, he is diseased. Because we're still on the same day. It's multiple episodes, but it's the same day.

It's only been 20 minutes, though. Right, exactly. It's only been 20 minutes, though. Right, exactly. Okay, so it bites you, and you all of a sudden feel much weaker, and you take two points of strength damage. My God, these are the worst things. We're on fire and have no strength and no healing.

Like, what is the point? All right, Baron, you are that Baron's on fire. I get to make a reflex save to stop the burning, right? Yes. Roll twice. With my bit of luck. You know what? Could you do me a favor and roll two at once, just so I feel, because if you make it

on the first one, I feel like, oh, I didn't do anything. But if you roll twice, there you go. I don't think I made it. It's a 21. I think it's a 25. It is 25. Oh, shit. You'll never make that. That's impossible. Yeah. No, I can't. I have a 6

reflex bonus, but I'd have to roll a 19. He's just going to burn to death. So you take another one point of fire. Can somebody else put out the fire? Like, is that... Yeah, how does that work? Can you create water?

Does that work for that? Oh, maybe. Water, well, I'm not going to... That's usually like a zero level spell for a wizard or a... Yeah, I can create water. I'll do that, yeah. All right. Thank you.

I cannot create water. I don't know if it works like that, but whatever. I mean, we got it. All right. Thank you. I cannot create water. I don't know if it works like that, but whatever. I mean, we got desperate times. I can create four gallons of water. That should be sufficient to put out a fire. A fiery dwarf. There's not much of him on fire, let's be honest. Yeah.

That dwarf is on fire. All right, Dakt Tommy throws a dagger Do I not get to have any action if I'm burning? No, you can get your action You can get an attack, yeah dude I'm gonna fucking shoot Doc Tommy that fucking bitch I'm gonna use

Let me see, hold on one second because my weapon's broken as well Let me look at quick clear. You're also not within 20 feet of him, so be careful with the whole up close and deadly whatnot. We could shoot the rat, though. If it can even be shot. He said it's like corporeal and sort of not corporeal at the same time.

How do you hit that kind of shot? All right, I'm going to spend my last point of grit to quick clear as a move equivalent action as opposed to a standard action. I'm going to shoot my last point of grit to quick clear as a move equivalent action as opposed to a standard action. I'm going to shoot the rat. Let's hope it works. Roll twice. 20. Really? Oh, critical.

No, no, no. It got rolled. Yeah, you hit it into a 20. I rolled a 16. On the no. It got rolled. Yeah, you hit it into a... I rolled a 16. On the rat. It hits, and the bullet goes straight through it. Oh, nice. God damn it.

Oh, I thought it went through its head and left a hole, but it just went straight through it. Yeah, the physical attack did not phase it in the least. Can we get some sort of knowledge check on that? Sure. Knowledge invisible rat. Is it an outsider? You can go knowledge religion.

I will do that. All right. When is it? It is coming up. Right now it's Daktani. Daktani's chucking a dagger Wait, how did he throw through Lork? Never mind, it's too late

No, no, I wasn't there before I moved there I moved in between you and him And I was like, what are you doing? And he's like, mind your own business, see? He's throwing a dagger at Lork And I believe you're in a melee, right? You in a melee situation or no?

No. One space away. No, you're threatened. You're threatened. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. With another enemy, yes. Throws it. Whizzes by your head.

And hits Oath Dawn. No. Dodged a dagger there. Thought you were heroes. Go home, Oath Dawn. Go home. It is Gormley's turn. Go home, Oath Don. Go home.

It is Gormley's turn. Gormley's going to Evil Eye once again, this time for attack rolls. Oh boy. Saved. Natural 20. So for one round you have a minus 2 to your attack roll. And I will now cackle to extend the AC

Evil Eye. There's just something pretty awesome about the witch just sitting in the AC. You know why? There's just something pretty awesome about the witch just sitting in the back. It doesn't move at all. It just ends in the back going, Everybody's getting messed up. So now the AC is down and the minus two attack both go until

Yeah, it doesn't compound. You're still minus two. You don't come below minus two. The minus two to his AC will end after his next round. Unless I keep cackling. Unless he keeps cackling. What do you get? X amount of cackles per day? I can cackle as much as I want. Because it spends a move action.

Cackle McGee over there. I can also cackle on different things within the same. I can cackle and cackle. Well, two move actions. Oh, cool. This is awesome. Alright, it is Lork's turn. Okay, so Lork is going to like i'm standing here i as a player i see this guy it's like this is somebody well i should say you know from lork's perspective somebody he knows right somebody from town what's going on

with this guy and as a player i'm like you know he should try to like not kill him and like find out like what you know what happened or whatever but lork is he's a fucking orc, man. You know, when it gets right down to it, and another orc's attacking him, so he just goes ballistic and attacks the shit out of this guy. So he takes a five-foot step up to where he can threaten him from 10 feet away with his spear

and attacks. 10-foot range? That's crazy. 15, AC. 15 AC. 15 now hits. All right. Yay! There you go.

Thank you, Gormley. So we clearly know he had a 17 AC. That is four points of damage, thanks to that strength damage. Curse you, orc! Oh, he's dead. Arrest him. You had a whopping four hit points. Don't leave town.

All right, it is Galabros' turn. All right, I'm going to use an Orison, which is like a zero-level spell. They're like just real simple stuff that Claris can do, like cantrips. And I'm going to create water, four gallons of water directly over Baron's head. Okay, roll a perception check first. All right.

Sixteen. Sixteen. that the fire that the whatever started the fire on his body looks like some sort of alchemical substance that is like covering his body. Oh, so he's just going to burn to death and there's nothing we can do. It's like

liquid fire. Alchemical fire. Greek fire. That's all you discover just before you do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. I can take a fucking hint.

I'll just give him a bit of luck again. Thank you. Thank you. Alright. Round three. Don't forget your true strike, too. You strike this guy down at the end or something. Strike him down with all your might.

Okay. It is the little rat's turn here. Fuck this rat. Ooh, knowledge religion. Can he still do that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me do my knowledge check. Fuck yeah.

24. These things are undead. Oh, well, if I had any channels left. Oh, but some fucking kid told us not to rest. Some punk snot-nosed kid said peer pressured us

into going in there when we weren't ready. Final episode of the Last Cannon Podcast. It's been a hell of a ride. I'm taking this all out on that fucking kid. So will Gormley, don't worry. Getting some battle sounds in here. Can we send Howie in yet? Come on.

So now this little shadow rat, you see it. You lose track of it. You can't quite see it. It kind of blends itself into the shadows. Even those with dark vision or low light vision, you're not quite sure if you can see where it is now. And it goes to bite

Baron. It's a nice knowing you guys. And it bites him. Is it in danger of catching on fire? Putting its mouth on something on fire? No. Shocking.

What do you think, this is the real world? No, it bites your foot and you feel like, amidst your burning, you feel two points of strength damage fall out of you. Wait, can I? Okay, I guess it's just a really high roll then. Okay. Yeah. It's just attack against AC. It takes away your strength.

That's bad. No damage, though? No damage. That's good. I'm a dex character anyway. Alright, and it is Baron's turn. I can't see it, though. It is 50% mischance right now.

And one second. Do undead characters are not affected by mind-affecting abilities? No, that's correct. Typically, right. No, they're not. mind affecting abilities. No, that's correct. Typically, right.

No, they're not. How far away is Doc Tony from me? He is 25 feet. 10, 15, 20, 25 feet. Okay, never mind. I'm going to try to shoot this fucking rat. Oh, wait. I'm going to roll.

I'm going to roll against the fire. Right. But the rat, you shot at it before. Remember, it went right through it. Yeah, but it attacked him. So I'm thinking it goes incorporeal, and then it becomes corporeal when it attacks. So I think he has a chance to hit it now.

22. Nope. 16. The bit block gives you advantage. Okay, of luck gives you an advantage. Okay, so you are still on fire, and you take six points of fire damage. I am down. But Galabras notices that the alchemical residue

that he saw has burned off completely. Oh. So do I still take that damage? Yeah, you still take the damage, but you can now extinguish yourself normally. Your corpse is no longer on fire. Right. That's good news. So, Gormley, do you have any curing ability?

I have heal as a skill, but I don't have any pointsing ability? I have heal as a... Nope. As a skill. But I don't have any points in it, so no. You can stabilize me and pour a potion down my mouth. Yeah, I can do that, actually. Do you have a potion? I do have a potion on me.

Okay. So wait, was that Baron's turn? He's down. Yeah, he's down. It would have been. I'm just trying to, initiative-wise. All right, so it's Daktani. Daktani takes a five-foot step forward to swing his Morningstar at Lork.

Well, he was just throwing a dagger, so he's drawing, stepping up and swinging. Right. Got it, got it. He's minus two this roll. That's right. So, 14. Miss. There you go.

Ah, look! You foiled everything! And now it's Gormley's turn. All right, so I'm going to go over to Baron so I can go over to him, stabilize him, and pour the potion down his little dwarven throat. I'll do all that. All right, so then roll a D8 and add one.

That's what the potion's going to give him. Nine. Maximum. Holy shitballs. So you are prone, still on fire, but not dying. No, he's not on fire. Oh, he's healed. You said it went off.

I said the flames can be extinguished normally now. The alchemical part. So now the water might work. Sorry, I missed that. You're an asshole. Sorry, I'm sorry. Guys, let's kill Troy in real life. All our characters will live.

They'll do a lot better. And you know who else will live after that? Satan. That's right. We'll have a new DM next week. And you know who else will live after that? Satan. That's right. We can summon him into our... All right, so Gormley brings Baron back to life. He is just lying with fire on him. So that was a move and a stabbing action.

And now it is Lork's turn. Lork is... You killed Roderick, you bastard! And Baron. That's my song when I hit. I guarantee a hit. That's a 21. That's a hit.

And there we go. Six points of damage. There you go. Getting a little better. I had nothing to do with his death. Well, you killed Baron. He looks like he's fine. He seems to be stabilized.

He's just, he's barely on fire now. Don't you have create water? It's now Calabras' turn. All right, now I have the novel idea to create water over Baron. He's lying on the ground. Like four gallons of water fall all over your body. The fire subsides.

Had you have done that while the alchemical fire was on the air, it would have burst into flame and done extra damage to him, obviously. Thank you for subtly warning me against that action. I didn't want to be here when Skid killed Baron. Did he not make a bad decision? But it's also

like, you know, he hadn't explained fully what the situation was. Like, your character standing there, it would not look like a normal fire, like a wood-burning fire. It would look like oil that was... It would look like in Game of Thrones, like Battle of the Blackwater.

Oh, right. Wildfire. Spoilers. Spoilers from four years ago. I've seen that episode, but still, man, it's a bummer when I listen to a podcast and people are all like, well, he doesn't catch the whale. He does, again, don't want to ruin Moby Dick for people. Well, it's a good thing no one listens to this.

So, next round is round four. Let's make a note for the intro to warm up spoilers. Yeah, we should put a spoiler tag to be fair. It is the Shadow Rat's turn and he I'm trying to think about something I hate more than this fucking Shadow Rat.

I hate him so much. So you and Lork and Baron both have minus two strength from this little creature. Good thing you killed one of them before it turned. So this one scurries up to Lork. Thank God. And goes to bite him.

Thanks. It's probably the worst possible situation. Yeah, he got you. Aren't you supposed to kill common house rats at level one and two? He bites Lork for another two points of strength. So I can't hit anything, and I can't do any damage anymore. So are we going to run? And we can't heal anyone.

Wait, you can't hit anyone? You just have a very low attack roll? Well, when you lose that strength, yeah, my attack roll just plummeted. And my damage. This is very disconcerting. It is Baron's turn. Okay. I am going to sidle up directly alongside of Lork.

Wait, you've got to stand up first, right? Oh, is that a standard action or a move action? That's a move action. Okay, so I'm going to stand up. Okay. I can't move. action. Okay, so I'm going to stand up. Okay.

I can't move. I'm going to shoot the rat then after reloading as a swift action. Alrighty. 19! Go straight through it. I told you, it's incorporeal. You can't hit it. But he just said that it had a 50% concealment.

Yeah, he says... Before, he's been deliberately misleading us since we met the kid. Yeah, seriously. It is currently in incorporeal form. It activated that. That lasts for a certain amount of time. And then it did this other thing

where it blended with the shadows, which also gives it a 50% mischance. But you can't hit it, so what's the point of... Whatever. You can't hit it with physical means. I have another explanation. Troy is tired of doing the podcast. He wants to kill all of us so we don't have to do

it anymore. That's my... It's the only logical explanation. I can't think of any other reason why this is happening. Drove us into a combat he knew we couldn't win! It amazes me. This happens in our other game, too. It's like, well, we've hit it with all our physical attacks. What can we do to kill this thing?

Well, we would have other attacks if you hadn't pressured us to come in here without fucking resting. Both rats could be completely gone right now. The lesson here is don't ever get fired up from the insults of a 14-year-old kid. Exactly. Never let a 14-year-old...

Lork should have just punched him in the mouth and then fucking potato-sacked him back to town. We could use him as a pillow while we rested for eight hours. Doctani's turn. Oh, yeah. See, you channel right here and boom, it's over. Exactly. I lost my Doctani sheet and all this hubbub. All right, so Daktani still goes after Lork again

and misses with his Morningstar. Just leave! Leave while there's time! Oh. Interesting. And now it is Gormley's turn. A spellcasting witch, as far as I think. Who has no spells left, Troy.

Well, I have mage armor. That doesn't really help us here. Nope. No, it doesn't. Cast mage armor on the incorporeal rat. So, okay. Let's think about this. I can use the evil eye won't work on the rat.

So that's out. All right. I can use the evil eye won't work on the rat so that's out I'm going to cackle to extend the minus two to the AC and I'm going to evil eye again this time

for attack roll okay you already did it it expired so it's DC 14 save will save failed so for six It expired. It expired. Oh. So it's a DC 14 save. Will save. Will save. Failed.

So for six rounds, you have a minus two to your attack roll. Okay. Honestly, like, don't we have to run at this point? I think that we do. Because we cannot. We have no means. No way to beat the rat. We have no means of killing this rat.

So it's just going to keep biting us and sapping our strength. And if you get to zero strength, you die. You're dead, dead, dead. We have to run. That's it. I've never run before and I will probably run. We could hang around until we kill

What's-His-Face. Well, that's what I was thinking was kill him and then run out of here. Yeah, yeah. But I'm sapped. Like, I'm so sapped. I'm going to do a perception check to see how bad he looks. And if he looks bad, I'm going to shoot him in the fucking head.

Well, I mean, I can certainly stab once more before doing a fallback maneuver. So we can try. But I mean. I mean, we could also beat a full withdraw withdraw get you out of that flank get out get you out of that flank mode yeah actually we could kite these guys we could kite him i don't know if he's going to follow well he's telling us to get out of here and oh kite him and i can shoot him as we run away i have a bow like i i can shoot him as i like that and i can and I can cast guidance to help and I have true strike I've got this true strike left okay so we yeah I I it's not totally over but I think we're in a bad position

here lork is flanked but there's a creature we cannot possibly damage so I think we have to fall back at least and if they follow us we can try to fight fight them. But I think that this guy's not going to follow us. But look, I mean, we're not, you know, we're just people. You know what I mean? Like sometimes you got to do a tactical retreat. But we can lie to everyone at the bar about what happened. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Well, we weren't defeated by a small rat.

Why are you getting so specific? We did not by any chance make a foolish tactical decision based on the insult of a 14-year-old. We were not goaded into a really stupid thing. All right. All right. It is Lork's turn. Okay. Lork will.

Yeah. All right, it is Lork's turn. Okay, Lork will... Yeah, Lork will withdraw. Okay. And he'll withdraw and... There's two doors. Which door are you going to go for? Because there's one right next to you and there's the one that came into the room and to... Oh, yeah, I didn't even see that door.

That's a great idea. And then he'll chase after you. But that feels like I'm running away from the party. I kind of wanted to back away. We can align ourselves that we have a better position in the battle. Yeah. Yeah, that way we can kick Gormley down, and then they'll kill him. I'll choke

you with your own paperwork, you coward! Ah! He's the worst. Troy is the worst. All right, fuck it. I'm going to stab this guy. Whoa. Take a stab.

13 to hit. Courtesy of Gormley, that is a hit. Get out of here. All right. Good thing you cackled. Here we go. Four points of damage. And right. Good thing you cackled. Here we go. Four points of damage. NIP on him.

I have to withdraw, so I'm going to provoke attacks of opportunity from both. He misses. And the rat misses. Oh, lucked out there. All right. All right. And now it is Galabras Finn's turn.

I think I'm going to cast... I'm going to use my True Strike. Should I use it on... You can only use it on you. Oh, that's right. It's a personal. That's right, that's right. But it's fine, man.

You get 1d8 of damage. Yeah. Not against the rat, of course. Right. The hardest boss we've ever seen. Yeah. Yeah. Not against the rat, of course. The hardest boss we've ever seen. I'll just cast it on myself. So we're backing out. Yeah.

Okay. Then I'll... How long does true strike last? It lasts a little while and then it's used up on your first attack? Yeah. I think it lasts until you attack. Okay. So for people that don't know, true strike is basically you take a round to cast a spell on yourself

that gives you plus 20 to your d20 roll to hit. So unless you roll a one critical miss, it's almost a guaranteed hit. It's basically a guaranteed hit. One of the spells I usually have prepared right now today is bungle, which is the opposite of that, minus 20 to an enemy's roll. Oh, that's cool. So witches are just like messing with your enemies in weird ways. That's cool. So I'm going to

cast a spell on myself, run out the door, and I run right into Orlon. What's his name? Oathdan. Oathdan. And I push him over and say, this is your fault! He's prone, Troy.

Roll your CMB against his CMB. He had two hit points. He's dead. The water that had went all over Baron has now formed a puddle on the floor that has gone over to the rat and the rat doesn't seem to have liked this and has regained his

corporeal form. Alright. Interesting. He steps up. It's holy water after all. Ish. He steps up and bites at Baron. I don't know if it's a he. It. And 17?

That hits. Don't pretend like you don't know about rat genitalia, by the way. You know what the sex of that rat. Don't try to play dumb with me. It does one point of damage. A regular damage. Yeah, one point of regular damage. All right, now we're back.

And one point of strength damage. Oh, now we're not back. Not at all. And now it's Baron's turn. damage. Oh, now we're not back. Not at all. And now it's Baron's turn. I'm going to take a five foot step back to sidle

alongside Lork. And I'm going to shoot the rat. Fire when ready. Alright, do it. Oh, God. That right, do it. Oh, God. That sounds like a miss. Got a grip point or anything?

38! I rolled a seven. Okay, is that the end of your turn? Do you have a grip? A dodgy little rat. A dodgy little rat. That's all I can fucking do, man. Okay.

Can I roll a perception check? Yeah, absolutely. On Lork to see how bad he looks. On Lork or on... I mean, I'm sorry, on Doc Tommy? Yeah, sure, roll a perception check. Fuck your dice. And now it's gone for a...

I mean, he looks pretty hurt. Okay. Daktani's in the back looking pretty, pretty... I'd like to roll a fly check on... Daktani steps up and the... incurs an attack of opportunity from the rat.

Yes! Oh! The rat is a neutral player, not in lead. They're not in lead. The rat attacks Daktani and the rat. Yes! The rat is a neutral player. It's like Switzerland. The rat attacks Daktani and hits him. Ah! Interesting turn. Can we capture Daktani? I guess we guilted Troy into helping us. I like that. Let's not get too confident.

At this point, I will settle for killing anything that's attacking us. Any remaining thing on the board. Yeah, Lork is pissed. Alright, and you see Daktani like, Gormley. So I do not have my crossbow in my hands because I had to put it down

to force the potion down his throat, but can I draw and shoot? Assuming it was armed already? Alright, so I'm going to draw and shoot at the rat. Okay, and it's currently not involved in melee. I mean, it is with Daktari, but that doesn't affect you. Kill dat rat. Kill dat rat.

Yeah, it's not an ally because it doesn't matter if he misses and hits Daktari. Even better. Well, that's a seven. Goes to the back of the block. You guys suck. Whatever swallowed by gelatinous ooze. Whatever paralyzed for ten rounds. Filth fever happening.

Filth, flarn, filth. Filth, flarn, filth. I didn't even think about that. I already have this strength damage. I'm going to get more strength damage from that filth fever. You're going to be as weak as Orthon. You might have to get a job pushing paper. I'm going to be as weak as Orthon. You might have to get a job pushing paper. I'm going to be as weak as the dwarf.

Speaking of weak, it's Lork's turn. Damn it. You see the corporeal rat and Doctani, a visibly soon-to-be-dead Doctani. You can reach the rat from where you are, right? You call me a coward? All right, so he drops his long spear, and he's going to take a five-foot step and draw his long bow and fire at Daktani.

Oh. That's a miss Miss What did you roll? Swiss miss Nine Nine to hit It is Galabras' turn With true strike imbued

Automatic hit pretty much You should Go straight up to Daktani Or the rat Yeah go up to the rat. Yeah, do the rat. Fuck that rat. I can't reach Doctani, but I'm going to run back into the room, up to the rat.

Say, dive in! 30. You hit. And three damage. And the rat dies. Oh, yeah! You just got a visit from the Orkin man. And Daktani looks petrified.

Yeah. I've killed a lot of shit in the last 20 game minutes. You have. It's Baron's turn. Baron is going to fucking take a step directly to be sidled up with Galabras and he is going to shoot at Doc Tommy with his goddamn pistol. Alright.

There's no need for blasphemy. That means food. Prepare to die. There you go! Oh, 23! That's a hit! There we go, there we go. Three points advantage. Little anti-climactic.

Doctani's like, Ha! Ha! And he just runs again. Rushes at Galabras with his morning star. I will die fighting! You sure will. And hits Galabras. You're still at No! We'll die fighting! You sure will. And hits Galabras.

You're still at minus two to your attack roll, right? Yeah. So I'll ask. 17? That's it. Hits him with a Morningstar for two points of damage. Just barely grazes Galabras' shoulder. It's Gormley's turn.

barely grazes Galabras' shoulder. It's Gormley's turn. Gormley will Urmigurmly! Urmigurmly! She'll give Doctani the evil eye at his AC once more. Let's see how this takes.

Okay, we'll save. 16? Pass. At his AC once more. Let's see how this takes. Okay. We'll save. 16. You save. So for one round, you have minus two to your AC. Still very, very hittable. Okay. Lork.

Lork is going to enact his second level ability, which is rapid shot. So he's going to shoot twice in a row. All right. At this guy. The second shot gets a negative to the attack roll? No, they both do. So it's going to be very hard to hit, but I'm shooting twice. Ooh! 19.

That's a hit. Oh! So a hit and eight damage. Max damage! Daktani falls. Yeah! Yeah! Holy shnakes.

Play the da-da-da-da. Yeah, so I forget where it is. Just play a random sound. The timing is leading us. Close your eyes. Timing is key on these drops. We can edit this out later close your eyes

press a button yeah just play something just yes anything anything just like anything no don't look don't look

just press a button don't look that doesn't seem right that's an ambulance the orc police are coming to arrest us for murdering Ducktown he falls

oh boy okay and he says just Orc police are coming to arrest us for murdering. Ducktani falls. Oh, boy. Okay. And he says, just, okay, but he's not dead. Roll perception check. All right. Ooh, 21 for Lork. 19 for Grimley.

20. Nine. You realize he possesses orc ferocity. Oh, okay. So he is not dead. So let's kill him. And he says, just kill me, or he will. orc ferocity. Oh, okay. So he is not dead. So let's kill him. And he says, just kill me or he will. Let's tie him up.

We got to talk to this guy. Let's tie him up. Just kill me, you weaklings, or he will. Lork is, oh, well, he's got his second attack. So he's going to attack again. I'm sorry, but he's just enraged. He's enraged at this other orc. And he missed. Okay.

So that was his turn, and now this guy's down. That was a full round action to do those two shots. So now it's Calavris' turn. All right, so, yeah, you're right in front of him if you want to try to tie him up with his high speed. Well, here's the thing. Orc ferocity, it allows him to act. And it's not his turn yet, so he's up. But he could still attack you, so be careful.

Right, right. I'm going to, well, Galabras, I think valiantly and perhaps stupidly is going to try to grapple him. So that he could be tied up. We went from this battle. We should all get grit points. We were going to run away for the record so that he could be tied up. So that he could be tied up with the 50 feet of silk rope that we found upstairs.

Right. Okay. All right. I've got his CMD here. Oh, uh, 15, uh,

16. Galabras has successfully grappled and how half work. Oh my 15. 16. Galabras has successfully grappled and half-worked. Oh, my God. You're the most badass healer the Sanctuary's ever seen. I'm feeling it because of that true strike. The aftershocks are still in you there. This is why you should always go for it on fourth down and always try to get the two-point conversion.

Yeah, you're right. You're worth it. Hey, Troy, you were right all along. Oh, come on. That's the true spirit of Christmas. I'm sorry I disband. Doc Tani, realizing that he's been defeated as he's being grappled by a cleric, surrenders. All right.

Tie him up. Like the weakling that he is. Wow. So we've got two prisoners to bring back because we're tying that kid up, too. That's right. Fuck him. He was in on it all along. The kid's gone. Let's carry them both back to town and, like, drag them behind us

in a potato sack. Just, he says, just please, just kill me. Just kill me. Screed will have me dead if he ever finds out. Ooh, that's Screed. That was the name written on the wall. Yep. Screed. Who is Screed? I don't know. I met him while I...

You clearly know. Stop hitting me. We did. He, uh... Okay, I stopped. Let me find it here in my notes. Mental notes, I mean. I don't...

Listen, I... What are you going to do with me? Are you going to kill me? Are you going to do with me? Are you going to kill me? Are you going to let me go? Are you going to throw me in prison just in time? I'm going to take you back to True Now. You're going to jail. Don't take me there, please.

Take me anywhere but there. I need to process this. There's a lot of paperwork to be done. Listen, there's a raid being planned on True Now for some time in the near future. Is this what Roderick was investigating? I don't know. I don't know. Wrong place, wrong time.

Just like that stupid kid. I knew I should have killed investigating? I don't know. I don't know. Wrong place, wrong time. Just like that stupid kid. I knew I should have killed him when I had the chance. Who ordered Roderick's assassination? Was it Screed? Like I said, I don't know anything about him. But I know this Screed fella just told me to take care of this business here. I don't know the details about the raid. I don't know when it's going to take place.

What was your job? What were you going to do to help the raid? I was here dealing with these flood trolls. We were passing information back and forth. The flood trolls were going to be part of the raid? No, they were here. They were twins. It was a brother and sister.

And we kept the information separate from them so they'd never know the full story. But basically, there's a raid of orcs coming to Trudau. When? I don't know. Sometime in the near future. All I know, and Screed never told me who he was working for. He just referred to his partners as the tribe.

The tribe. Did you send the assassins against us? Or did Screed? No. I know nothing about any assassinations. Does Screed? No. I know nothing about any assassinations. Does Screed have significant facial tattoos? Yes, as a matter of fact, he does.

There we go. There's a half-orc who has lines on his face. You could say they were scars. But they're tattoos. We are heavily tattooed people. So he looks like Seal. Yes, exactly like Seal.

And we're never gonna survive unless... You won't survive. Just please don't bring me back to Trinown. That city's gonna fall. I thought he was gonna say, just please stop singing Seal. Why don't you want us to bring you back?

I mean, besides the fact that you're going to prison. Because Trinow is as good as dead. Doc Tani, are you familiar with someone named Ernstel? Ernstel? No, I don't know the name. What about Malira? Malira? No, no. All right, so I think that this guy has nothing to do with Roderick, per se. Yeah.

We're on a different line here. Can I just do a sense motive just to make sure that he's not completely bullshitting? 17? Yeah, he seems to be telling you all that he knows. All right, well, let's just, like, let's search this room and the— And him. But we never got down the tunnel. No.

What's down that tunnel? It's hard to find. It only goes about 10, 15 feet in. So there's nothing in there. Check it out for yourself, you idiot. Let's tie him. Slap. Let's push him into the tunnel. By the way, that's a very weak slap. He's got no strength left.

What's that, like a sick strength slap? All right, so I'll say to Galabros, like I'm holding him down, and I'm just like, check the hallway for anything of significance before we leave. We need to get back to Trunau and warn the militia. Baron, Baron, you're with me. I'm your huckleberry. Okay.

So we go, Baron and I, traipse into the cave. Totally heedlessly and recklessly, without searching for traps or anything. You start walking into the cave, and you see a body laying on the ground. And what Galabras notices most of all is that it's a cleric. A dead cleric.

Of Yomadai? Find out next time with the Glass Gatapark! No! No! No! No! I can't stand these cliffhangers!

No! Outro Music