The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 14 – Tickle Fight

Episode Date: June 14, 2022

The boys stopped by our nation's capital for a humdinger of a show to kick off the year! As Mrs. O'Lady's life literally HANGS in the balance, will the team be able to save her and themselves!?! Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Grant Berger and Matthew Capodicasa as they tour the country playing the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Pathfinder Adventure Path. Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/EDleQX-xmqY Recap 14:09 Gameplay 24:02 For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com and for exclusive content and benefits, subscribe today at patreon.com/glasscannon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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This new collection features a wide range of products from nourishing shampoo and conditioner to lightweight heat protectants and a silky smooth serum for a sleek finish wave goodbye to frizz and say hello to three days of smooth hair with a tresemme keratin smooth weightless collection visit tresemme.com to learn more what's going on dc welcome to the first show of 2020 Washington, D.C., baby. The District of Columbia. Not to be confused with the Country Columbia.

Little known fact. It's a common misconception. A lot of missing mail. Yes. Although there's probably the same amount of cocaine here. Yes, yes. You could easily go to either city. A similar amount. Either place. No, D.C. I haven't been to D.C. in 30 Yes, yes. You could easily go to either city. A similar amount.

Either place. No, DC, I haven't been to DC in 30 years, basically. And it's great. It's got a little something for everybody, right? It's a great city to take an

eighth grade field trip or if you just want to visit a place where you might get shot. You can't go wrong. A little something for everybody in old DC.

We were going out to dinner last night and Troy's like, we could walk. It's a seven minute walk. Or we'll take a three minute lift and not get shot. Let's do the latter. We took the lift. Are people fired up

about this show tonight? Don't get too excited. We can make it up. It might be shitty. We have no idea. It's all made up. We just don't know. And I'm usually unhappy

no matter what. That's right. That's right. You know, since we're in the nation's capital, I took the liberty of writing some

political humor. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, yeah. Cut the mic. JP, JP, cut the mic. Kill him. Stop filming. Kill him.

Here's the thing. You've got to be careful what you say these days, because you might offend somebody. Here we go. So I wrote all these jokes to make sure that I wouldn't offend the left, the right, the middle, Gen Z, millennials, or the Matthew Kabat-Kazans of the world. You and your

kind of ruined comedy, Matthew. But here we go. Italians? Yes. You swarthy people and your comedy-ruining muscles. All right, here we go. This is some bipartisan political humor

written to be impossible to offend people, just to warm things up. Here we go. Ready? Here we go. Shut up. So the president has been impeached, am I right? Did you hear about this? Impeached is the right word Because his administration is the pits

That's good That might have been too edgy for this crowd A little stone fruit humor Never heard anyone I can already see the front page of the Washington Post Tomorrow Glass Cannon Live displays Trademark trademark biting political

satire with a miracle in front of a crowd of 80,000. That's a long headline, bud. Let's try another zinger. This one's a little spicy. Yesterday, the Bulletin of atomic scientists

moved the hands of the doomsday clock, a theoretical clock signifying our proximity to destroying ourselves with nuclear weapons from two minutes to midnight to a hundred seconds to midnight. The whole world lost 20 metaphorical seconds of their collective lives in an instant. But at least no one had to sit

through one of Matthew's plays. That's a fun one. I think that offended people. It sounds like it offended people. It's very edgy, but it only offends one person. Right. It was a risk. It might be the most offensive thing you've ever said,

but the target audience is very small. Yeah. Might be some doomsday clock enthusiasts. I got one more. I probably shouldn't do this one. Do it! Give them what they want. Give them what they want.

This might be too edgy for us, but we are DC. Here we go. Have you heard this? You hear about this one? What's going on with gun legislation? Am I right? Come on.

Come on. Shut it down. Some people think there's too many guns. Other people think there's not enough guns. Looks like we'll have to Settle this the old fashioned way With guns Thank you DC See that one's nice

It doesn't really hurt anybody Nobody gets hurt The theoretical people are murdered Well yeah there is the 35,000 plus people murdered by gun violence every year but besides them

nobody gets hurt by that joke that joke might end that violence that's true and if we can do that then I think we've we've really taken

this podcast in new directions folks what we do is so stupid I never stop thinking about that folks he could never run for office because they don't make offices that small

give it up for Matthew Capitacasa alright that's enough Matthew didn't you do a play in D.C. in the past few years? Yeah. What's it like to perform in front of more than 14 people? It was my greatest honor, Troy. Didn't you meet the guy who created the Klingon language? Yes, I did.

Yes, I did. Thank you, Skip. That was in D.C. My dad didn't believe it, so I had to prove it to him. Was he there to see another show? No, the Klingon. Oh, no, he came to my show.

Really? Yeah. That's impressive. He knew the director. That or he lied really well about coming to see your show when he accidentally ran into you. Yeah, here's his at the bar.

Just want to hang out. He would rather lie about that than lying about creating Klingon. Fair enough. Matthew, did you ever think about a career in politics? No. Oh, briefly in like the second grade.

What platform would you run on? An actual platform so you could reach the podium? Boom! No, he's great, thanks for shaving Folks He's as big as the Lincoln Memorial But they don't make memorials for people

Whose only accomplishment is having clothes Custom fit to fit their gargantuan size Give it up for Grant Cheeseburger accomplishment is having clothes custom fit to fit their gargantuan size. Give it up for Grant Cheesemonger! Grant, you were named after the 18th President of the United States, weren't you? Unless he's asked Grant. That's true. It's appropriate, because while he was

a respected general, history considers him one of the weakest and most ineffectual presidents ever. Well, actually, Ron Chernow just wrote a book to follow up Hamilton that puts new light on his... Oh, boy. I wonder if Ulysses S. Grant was a cheater that suffers from giganticism as well. Yeah. I wonder if he cheated at games. He was more of a Matthew-sized person.

Matthew-sized was he? Oh. I could just see cheated at games. He was more of a Matthew-sized person. Matthew-sized was he? Oh. I could just see the general in combat. They're in a civil war. His friend's dying around him. He's patching his armor. Medic!

Medic! Behind a rock. Charge! Can we get medic? Medic? Medic. Ladies and gentlemen,

give it up for the only guy old enough to have gone to Bernie Sanders' bar mitzvah, Mr. Skidmore! Skid, I know you're a history buff. You've got to love cities like this. How different is it that you don't have to get around

on horseback now? Must be real change. Refreshing. You and Joe had a bit of a tour of the city date today. What did you guys see? We had a great time. We went to Ford's Theater, first thing. Yes.

And survived. Yes. Unlike some others that we won't mention, did survive the trip. Yeah, it was great. Are we trying not to spoil what happened? Maybe people haven't got to fifth grade history. Like middle school history students here that haven't gotten to that part of the book yet. It's better to be safe.

And then we went to our new friend, Joe. Who's here tonight. Who's here tonight. Where? Joe. Raise your hand. Joe! Take off your shirt.

Joe! There he is. There he is. Joe works for the Secretary of the Senate, and he gave us a private guided tour of the Capitol building. Wow. It was amazing. Thank you, Joe. Very fancy.

Skip and I were sitting in the gallery of the House of Representatives. Yeah. It was awesome. It was amazing. Thank you, Joe. Very fancy. Skip and I were sitting in the gallery of the House of Representatives. It was awesome. We're big geeks for that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah. It was cool. This is a lot different than Matthew's and mine morning. You called us. You saw us walking. I did. I was furiously writing and I saw you guys holding hands and through the park. Where'd you go?

We went to another spin class. Oh boy. Respun Matthew got a little note Congratulating him on five rides It was very sweet Which means that I can now Climb a flight of stairs

Without losing my breath That's the goal That's the goal Good for you Folks he's the worst thing To happen to DC Since Mary and Barry So it's up for Joseph Kennedy O'Brien Folks, he's the worst thing to happen to D.C. since Mary and Barry.

Throw it up for Joseph Kennedy O'Brien! Yeah! Yeah! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! I love these people. Joe, with your luck, it's amazing that you're not a Redskins fan. You are a black hole of luck.

It would be the perfect team for you. It's true. How are you tonight, you jerk? I'm fantastic. Why? Because I had such a... I saw the gun that shot Lincoln today, man. That's huge. I'm a big history buff.

We saw the pillow that his head lay on. We saw his blood. Stained his blood. His blood is on the pillow. Amazing. I'm a big history buff. We saw the pillow that his head lay on. We saw his blood. Stained his blood. His blood is on the pillow. Amazing. I was like, clone him. It's sitting there. Smart. The funny thing is there was a giving a tour to high school

students that was happening in the theater. And so the guy was kind of gradually losing his patience with the level of questions and answers that he was getting from these kids. And he was just like, so some people say that John Wilkes Booth's mission was a success. Some say it wasn't. What do you think? And it's like, it's a success.

It's like, why do you say that? Because it killed Lincoln. It's like, all right, that's good. Did some research. Okay, that's good. And he was just like, but on the other hand, do you need a passport to travel to Maryland? And we were like, no.

And somebody's like, yeah. Yeah, like four kids were like, yeah. Yeah, four kids were like, yeah. He's like, all right. He was like, oh, God. But I feel bad. Like, we should have tipped the guy because we just, like,

listened to his tour for, like, 15 minutes. I know. That we didn't pay for. I know. We're like, oh, that's fascinating. I know. We just hung around in for. I know. We're like, oh, that's fascinating. We just hung around in the back.

Do you think there are vampires who prize ancient, like, not ancient, but old blood like that? Like a fine wine? Ooh, aged. Aged celebrity blood?

Yeah, but it's so, they'd have to use it as like a garnish or like Mrs. Dash to like sprinkle on liquid blood because it's dry You think it's like a truffle

Like they would grate it over something I wonder if they smoke it It's like hash Just top it off I think we just had a great idea here tonight Rita's had a million dollar idea That's what they call that. Oh, dear.

Oh, boy. I'm sorry. Did we offend you with our political humor? I think we've all learned something. All right. We're very pro-Lincoln. Sorry. I like what I like.

I didn't know Matthew believed in vampires, but then all of you were like, oh, no, Matthew, you raised a good point. Jumped right on it. We're going to jump right on this because there is a lot to do. Guys, you know the rules. Shut up.

And you can't send us shots because I don't serve liquor, so... Sorry, not sorry. Don't send 300 beers to the stage, either. Whoever sent this, thank you so much. Send three or four. Oh, thank you. For every beer you want to send us,

give it to one of your neighbors. Maybe they don't have a beer. Give it to them. Make some friends. Play some board games. Make out with somebody. Fuck somebody. Make a glass cannon baby.

Yeah. We need to have some Gormleys and Howies running around. Yes. Sir? Oh, Sour Patch Kids for Matthew. Thank you. He does love his Sour Patch Kids. I do love Sour Patch Kids.

I like when he came back to the scene and his buddy high-fived him. Nice. Nice. I am so shocked security didn't tackle him. They were talking about that the whole drive over from Montana.

Should I do it? I think you'll get tased, bro. Just do it. What if you get tased? No tasers in the miracle. All right. Please let me know if you have sex with another fan and name your children after one of our characters.

He's joking. No. I want to know. I've got a character to kill, so let's stop wasting time and take it to

the recap. Oh, dear. You screwed it up, Grant. Too busy reading about vampires. Joe, on your lead Even when we try to do something nice, it's shitty

It's shitty It's so hard Everything we do is nice, it's shitty It's shitty It's so hard Everything we do is shitty But that's part of the fun That's what makes it special That is not a good excuse Alright, here we go, recap Shut up, Grant

We are deep Into book one of the Pathfinder Strange Aeons Adventure Path Very deep. Bald. Had a feel that it was going there. As the kids say. Shut up, I'm crude. It's part of my charm.

My in-laws are here tonight. Oh! Oh, I see it right there, look! The Bairds? The Bairds! And the Larks. Yay! I forgot, I forgot they were coming. That's awesome. Logan! Bairds! And the Lokes. Yay! I forgot.

I forgot they were coming. That's awesome. Go again. They'll hear worse by the end of the night. I met them after I saw one of your plays. You did?

Oh, yeah. Hello, guys. We both did. Did I kill your momentum? No, I got it. I'm back. I'm back, baby. Here we go.

Recap. Over the course of only a few days in real time, we talked about this last show. The heroes of our story have gone from waking up in the dungeon of an asylum with total amnesia to aimlessly exploring the remnants of said asylum to finally discovering their own names, a little about their former lives, how they ended up here, and after last session, perhaps, how to get out. Last month, in the rotten cesspool of a city known as Philadelphia, the gang started their

adventuring day in a supernaturally dark room, with a small creature nipping at them, clawing them, and in some cases. Stealing their voices. That room sucked. It was a lame room. After a desperate battle. Stabbing out in the dark. Hoping your weapons would find purchase upon something.

You finally destroy the source of this darkness. And as light floods back into the room. You see you are fighting the small skeleton of a child, clad only in simple crayon and pencil drawings. Perhaps this was Debus Leaklin, the brother of another child survivor you met named Brenton Leaklin. When you met Brenton, he was inconsolable, sobbing. They had to beat him to unconsciousness because you wouldn't give him opium.

But he was inconsolable because he was separated from his brother during the uprising and now you have every reason to believe that you found whatever still existed of his brother. He was killed and somehow transformed into an attic whisperer during the patient uprising here at Briarstone

Asylum. You continue on and you open up a door to the north, which reveals what looks like an enormous cafeteria-turned-refugee camp of the apostles and orpimates, survivors of the uprising who have joined together in support of their leader, one, Alvar Zandalus. But, instead of attacking you on sight, these apostles look at you with a mixture of fear and awe. They seem similar to the other survivors that you met in the chapel.

Perhaps they were forced into this cult. You wait your turn, sir. Maybe not all the apostles are murderous psychos. Maybe there are some scared, trapped, and caught up in something they didn't choose. A man steps forward dressed in a coat of a doctor of Briarstone and makes a big show welcoming you to the Orpiment while muttering under his breath, nod and follow me if you want to live. You do so, and this man, Dr. Ren Elborn, explains how he came

to work at Briarstone, not but a week before the uprising and before the unknown calamity that shook the very foundations of this building. He tells you that when shit went down and Zandalus and his followers wreaked havoc, the survivors in the northern wing had two choices. Join

him or be crucified. Nail to the wall with a bag on their head. A trademark of another inmate, Agra Bag Lady Loomis, who has joined forces with Zandalus.

We winked at each other. I know. That was fun. Good time. That was unscripted. You never know what's going to happen. Dr. Elborn hears your story

and realizes that you want what he and the other survivors want, to get out. The only way to do this, you both agree, you've got to defeat Zandalus. He tells you what he knows, that evidently Zandalus and his top men

are confined to what remains of the upper level of the asylum to the west. But he also tells you that Zandalus' most devoted acolytes called Onerogens, a creature that you've already dealt with in the form of the former administrator of the asylum, Dr. Eliage Lissandro, who had been transformed into a malfunctioning Onerogen, a human being somehow transformed into a corporeal gateway between worlds, between the material plane and between the dreamlands. Dr. Elborn tells you that while most of these onerogens

stay locked away with him upstairs, at least one of them watches over the northwestern tower. He says he doesn't know what he does up there, but he feels confident that it is alone. He believes that if you were to access the northwestern tower before trying to brave the upper levels where Xandalus may lie, you might be able to figure out through the Oneirichan how to get out of the mist and or how to defeat Xandalus. You all high-five each other and continue exploring the northern halls. Freeze.

Commercial. Animating freeze. The first room you come to has a row of fireplaces gone cold. As you approach the westernmost one, a pot tips over and a face pours out. You all start to feel sick, so you rush away from the obvious haunt before it resets. You rush into a room with four more apostles and Orpiment, a former pastry chef, Ivory Gardine,

her sous chef, and two bodyguards. Not unlike the doctor, they seem cool. But they seem like they bought in, right? No, you got the sense that they were surviving like everybody else. Okay, so they're just saying what they need to say to not get killed. Maybe they were just saying that to see what you would do. Just making the pastries they need to make.

That's right. That old saying. Ivory explains that when the uprising happened, she made cookie dough and fed all the crazies as they went on their murder rampage, and that's how she survived. But now she's left only with potatoes and sadness. That's when you wanted to

yell out your potato joke. Cue the potato joke. Cue the potato joke from the plant in the crowd. And here's your $50, sir. Here you are. Enjoy your evening. Don't worry about... It's funny because potatoes are a plant.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Wow. Oh, man. Boy. Man, if they like that, this is going to be a good night. Oh, man. No wonder you like vampires, because that joke sucks. Burn.

Just showing off for his in-laws. Yeah. I wrote that one ahead of time. Just then, while talking about potatoes, the doors to the south shake off their hinges. She enlists the five of you. Aldo Casimir. Halster Price.

Atticus Grimm, Mrs. Old Lady, and Tiny Murder Clown, played by Eric Mona. You walk outside and you find yourselves in yet another one of these courtyards, a huge courtyard covered in a thin veil of mist. You can't see more than 20 feet in front of you in all directions, but you start to explore,

staying for the most part on this little garden path that used to be there before all this went down until three things happen. How many things, Grant? Three. One. A body falls from the sky And explodes at your feet A ghoul's body

A ghoul's body Spooky Two Aldo glimpses in the mist What looks like a white horse Trotting about Deeper in the courtyard And three

I forgot about the horse That's so creepy Don't forget about the horse An eerily thin Faceless Devilishish creature swoops down at the party, attacks, and grabs Mrs. Old Lady. While suffering an onslaught of attacks from almost all of you, the creature is still able to get away. Lift Mrs. Old Lady up and away from the party. is still able to get away. Lift Mrs. Old Lady up and away from the party.

25 feet into the air as you're all left to wonder, will she suffer the same fate as the ghoul that exploded at your feet? Probably. Most likely. Darkness. We hear the rumbling and rattling of a small covered wagon bumping along a dirt road. In the back of the wagon, a dark form shifts forward to get a glimpse through the open back of the canvas covering.

Stars. Thousands of them. thousands of them. So many times, so many of them, they seem to blot out the blackness of the sky clustered around a scythe of a moon, and below, flat earth dotted with the occasional tree. It's the middle of the night. A pair of twinkling eyes, curious, inquisitive,

tilt to get a view of everything they possibly can, and then a voice from one of the unseen men at the front of the wagon can you hear me back there carter mrs old lady rolls those twinkling eyes I'm not deaf yet bastion

remember no frills just a simple reading do your job and no arguments you got it I cannot for the life of me recall what gave you the idea that you could talk to people that way. No games, right? No comments, no arguments. Just do what you're supposed to do. Another voice hisses through the wagon covering. Both of you, shut up! They're up ahead. Mrs. O'Lady steals herself and grabs a length of burlap crumpled at her feet

and pulls it over herself, plunging the world into darkness. The wagon slows and comes to a stop, then tilts, creaking, back and forth on its axles as both men climb down. A sly, smooth voice sounds from outside. Well, well, well. This isn't our friendly neighborhood booksellers. Mr. Wellfleet. Mrs. Old Lady slows her breathing and tries to keep absolutely still as she listens.

I hope you don't mind I brought my associate with me to even up our numbers. You understand, I'm sure. Don't be frightened. I find the prejudices against hiring orcs so foolish, don't you? Say hello, Burun. No need to be rude. Well met.

That voice sounds familiar. You didn't know better, you think. It was Joe's shitty orc who died. The shitty orc who died at our first live show. In fact, it is Joe's shitty orc who died at his first live show. But yet, there's something different. He's alive. Isn't he?

If I might. Isn't he just so charming? I hope you don't mind if he takes a quick look around. What does he need to look around for? You don't expect me to enter into any kind of agreement without first getting the full picture of what I'm dealing with, do you? Well, it's just a bit Is there something wrong? The other voice cuts in

It's fine Have you look, Orc? The shitty Orc's heavy footsteps Move shittily towards the wagon It's not in the script move shittily towards the wagon. It's not in the script. Mrs. Old Lady holds her breath, the footsteps circle the wagon,

loop around toward the back, and come to rest at the opening. Mrs. Old Lady's fingers curl around the crook of her cane as she hides beneath the heavy burlap. The wagon creaks and tilts as the orc steps onto the running board. Mrs. Old Lady hears the sounds of the orc mere feet away from her, rummaging through various crates, shaking out the books

he finds within. Well, just a lot of books. The orc steps deeper, then stops. The floorboards of the wagon just growl as he leans forward, sniffing the air inches from Mrs. O'Lady's head.

She can smell his breath through the burlap. Poor old, it's past my bedtime. The heat of the orc's breath disappears, the wagon shakes as the orc leaps out the back. All right, you've had your look. Can we get down to it?

Our vast apologies. But I didn't get anywhere assuming the best in people. And you have to ask yourself what a couple of bookshop owners from Thrushmore are doing trying to purchase items of such dark repute.

We're just businessmen like you. No. Not like me. I thought you said something about up-bed time. And here I was, so enjoying our small talk, bookseller. Fine, then. Buru? The sound of footfalls as the orc hustles back to his horse.

The flap of a leather saddlebag being flipped back and something being drawn out. Then the sound of a key turning in a lock in a metal lockbox opening. Mrs. Old Lady suddenly feels very, very uneasy. Show them, Boo. But no touching. The orc's heavy footfalls

grow closer. Really something, isn't it? I'd like to get a closer look. Hearing that, Mrs. O'Lady closes her eyes and reaches out, not with her hands, but with her mind. This curious trick she's been able to do since she was a little girl, what she's always called listening underneath.

She gropes her way, psychically, towards what the orc has in his hands. She can feel Bastion's anxiety. Her son-in-law, ever-p orc has in his hands. She can feel Bastion's anxiety, her son-in-law, ever-present, dancing through his thoughts. She senses Loman's deep annoyance at the current circumstances, and, oh, that's interesting, a little bit of jealousy. Moving further, she finds the deep and unabiding anger of the cellar, Mr. Wellfleet, his showmanship, his desire to impress.

Reorienting, she happens upon the orcs, total lack of any interesting thoughts or character. No, but she really, she really digs deep on the orcs, seeing if there's anything beneath the surface. But there's not. There's nothing. She then focuses on the object in the useless orc's hands.

She doesn't know what it is, but that's not what she's been brought here to do, so she pushes toward it with her thoughts, listens underneath, and images start to spiral around Mrs. Old Lady. Flash at her as she feels like she's tumbling headlong down into a vortex. Yellow mist surrounds her.

Tosses her from thought to thought. She sees a tattered, rag-wrapped face. Its open maw opening to a silent scream. A bloodshot eye the size of an entire wall. Its gaze darting around before landing on her, an endless, empty city whirling around mists, an obelisk looming over her, a giant, horrific shadow in the sky swooping down,

down, down, its skeletal talons stretching out toward her, and Mrs. Old Lady gasps as she manages to rip her mind free of the object's psychic resonance. What was that? Everything starts to happen really fast. What? Just the wind? You afraid of the wind now, Wilfie?

The wagon rocks back and forth violently. Two rough hands grab at the burlap and yank it back. Mrs. Old Lady blinks, even in the dim light up at the face of the heavily tattooed orc. There's nothing there. It's an old lady.

Bring her here. The orc reaches out and grabs Mrs. Old Lady and drags her out into the open night. There she sees Bastion, her son-in-law, and his partner Loman with their hands in the air because Fanny Wellfleet, the slender and enraged halfling sitting astride a sleek racing horse, has a hand crossbow trained on each of them. Burl, the orc, tosses Mrs. O'Lady to the ground

in front of the horse. Explain. I'm sorry, this is my... Burl, who has somehow slipped behind Bastion and Loman, grabs both of them and forces them down to their knees. She's just an old woman. What are you so afraid of? She was hidden beneath some old burlap. Well, if she's just an old woman, what was she hiding? The halfling waits for someone to answer.

Mrs. O'Lady's eyes are fixed on the lead box on the ground. Well, if no one cares, probably best just to kill her. No! Bastion strains against Burl's hold. Please, no! She's my wife's mother! Everyone turns to look at Bastion. Your... I'm sorry. Your wife's mother? Please don't hurt her.

My wife's dead. If you kill us, my son will have no one. Fanny Wellfleet stares. Stares. His twin crossbows still trained on the two men. He looks over at Mrs. O'Lady. Why are you here, love?

Mrs. Old Lady glances back at Bastion, whose face is a mask of pure terror. She inclines her head at the lead box that sits on the ground beside Wellfleet's horse. For that. The halfling squints. What about it? I'm supposed to verify it. Verify it? Do you have some sort of expertise in the dark arts, old woman? I can listen to things.

Listen more deeply. Listen underneath. With... She taps her head. Fanny Wellfleet stares at Mrs. O'Lady, betraying nothing. Oh, my! She's a psychic! Burrow, did you hear that? She can read our thoughts, isn't that? Praying nothing. Oh, my. She's a psychic.

Burl, did you hear that? She can read our thoughts. Isn't that just delightful? Delightful. Well, have you verified it? Is it the genuine article? He gestures down at the lockbox. Mrs. O'Lady glances back at Bastion, who nods.

Mrs. O'Lady struggles up to standing and walks over to the box. She looks down and sees a leather-bound book titled The Tapestry of Madness. She feels the book's horrors reaching out to her and she just shakes it away. We don't want it. Kappa. Shut your mouth, old woman. You don't want

it. It's... There's something... It's just... She turns to look back at Bastion. I'm telling you, you don't want it. Just walk away. You're saying It's... There's something... It's just... She turns to look back at Bastion. I'm telling you, you don't want it. Just walk away. You're saying it's special? It's... Just bury it somewhere. You don't want it either. It's full of pain

and horror. Oh, pain and horror. Pain and horror are my specialities, my dear. We had a deal, Will Fleet. Yes, well, now that the item's been verified, I think we might have to renegotiate. Two crossbow strings twang as bolts suddenly sink into Bastion and Loman's knees.

They cry out and collapse to the ground. I think I'll keep the book. Burl grabs the lockbox and returns it to Fanny Wellfleet's saddlebag. And I'll consider your wagon as compensation for my troubles. Burl? Burl hops up and slides under the front seat of the wagon. Bastion and Loman writhe on the ground in agony. Bastion looks up at the halfling.

You son of a bitch. Fanny Wellfleet quickly loads another bolt and aims a crossbow at Bastion. Mrs. Old Lady throws herself in front of Bastion. No, please, my grandson. He'll have no one. The halfling laughs. Look at how much she cares for you, bookseller. Unfortunately for you, I never get sentimental about a deal. He starts to squeeze the trigger.

You think we won't go to the Zani about this? Another twing and a bolt sinks deep into Bastion's forehead. Mrs. O'Lady cries out and rushes to his body, lifeless on the ground. Loman tries to

get to standing but Wellfleet nods to him and Burrow walks over and snaps his neck. Wellfleet nods to him and Burrow walks over and snaps his neck. Wellfleet levels another crossbow at Mrs. O'Lady, who is cradling Bastion's body on the ground. I'm sorry, love, but business is business, you know. Can't have you running around telling people what happened here. Who's Polina?

He suddenly points both crossbows at Mrs. O'Lady. What did you say? I asked who Polina was. The halfling stares down at her. Who are you? Mrs. O'Lady says nothing, just stares at him. Wellfleet, who's now looking significantly nervous, looks about. Well, wouldn't want to hurt an old lady, would we?

He lowers his crossbow. Good night, then. He tisks his horse, and with that, the halfling crime lord rides away, quickly. A pleasure doing business with you. The shitty orc says. Confidently. Then he flips over. He's got his whole life ahead of him.

Then he flips Got his whole life Ahead of him Future's so bright He goes to Flips the reins Drops them Picks them up Drops them again

Finally on the third try He flips the reins And drives the wagon off Leaving her stranded Somewhere north of Thrushmore, miles from anything they might call civilization, clutching the lifeless body of her son-in-law, the father of her grandson, above the stars.

Author! Author! Oh, is this when we do the talkback? Yes. We ask the author questions. What were you thinking when you created the crappy character of Bo? Can't claim that one. Let's get back to business. Grant, take it to the map.

Oh, baby! Oh, shit. Things have been hairy on this show before. This is the hairiest they have been since. I didn't have time to shave. Not everywhere. That's such a good delay. Yeah. This is good.

The creature came down, attacked. You guys got at him. And then he lifted you up. There were some attacks of opportunity. Aldo struck and hit. Halster struck and hit, and then tiny murder clown, perhaps ready to land the killing blow, goes to punch or kick and misses.

It's already five feet in the air. It then flies 20 feet up, and you are now at the edge of a deeper mist that hangs over the courtyard. Not unlike the mist that surrounds your allies. The mist that this creature is pulling you to will effectively make you lost

to them if it moves another 5 feet. Great. They will see nothing but yellow mist as you are pulled into the sky. I got it. Just then you feel almost as a swift action. If you're following along at home,

you see the long, oddly moist tail of this creature as it curls towards your abdomen, followed by the hard, almost barbed end of it reach up to that area between your breast and your armpit as it tickles you. Oh no!

I don't appreciate this. Oh no. Roll easily the most important fortitude save you've ever rolled. Does it have to be fortitude? No, make it a swim check. I can't, I don't, I don't think this is a spoiler to say Mrs. O'Lady is not exactly fortitudinous. No, no, I imagine that's not her jam.

Natural 20. I'm still in a lot of trouble, guys. Literally, the G.A.P. baby. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. That's a 21. 21. Suck on that. Shit. So, had you failed that,

you would have become nauseated. Meaning you would not be able to do anything when it comes to your turn. I think you just have to retch violently. But because you passed, you're all right, old lady. I do not consent to thisch violently. But because you passed, you're all right, old lady. I do not consent to this tickle. It's a non-consensual tickle. Take this tail away.

25 feet in the air. 20% mischance on all ranged attacks. Five more feet. Can't even be targeted. You have to just guess at what space it might be. Kill this thing, Mrs. Old Lady. False! Come on, come on. It's Aldo's turn. Can't even be targeted. You have to just guess at what space it might be. Kill this thing. Mrs. Old Lady falls. Come on.

Come on. It's Aldo's turn. Aldo, what is going through your head here? You know what your weapon of choice is. Yeah. What are you going to do? Well, yeah. So, I mean, I have to kill this thing.

Now. Mrs. Old Lady. Yes. Yes. Exactly. She's been a thorn in your side ever since book one. No, I mean. She's challenged your thorn in your side ever since book one. She's challenged your authority the whole way.

Now's your chance. No, I know that if I throw a bomb at her, chances are she'll be caught in the explosion. Yes. But it's my only chance to save her before he gets out of sight and does whatever he wants to do with her. So I am going to throw a bomb. All right. So a couple things could happen. Splash damage is going to hit if you hit it.

You could miss. It's possible. It's against regular AC. Would the bomb then just fall and detonate on the ground? Yeah, I think if I miss, it would just miss. It would just miss. Fly past and land on the unicorn. Yeah. You, what was I going to say?

I just said something I was supposed to say. You got me all thrown off, Capitacasa. Oh, you could fumble. I could fumble. You could fumble and have it be something like it hits the nearest ally. Yeah. Why don't you roll to hit and see what happens? Okay.

And I'm going to use these special dice that my father and stepmother got me for Christmas. Last Christmas, you gave me those dice. Natural one. No! Yes! You've got to be kidding me. You've got to be

kidding me! Worst Christmas ever. Worst Christmas ever. Oh, Brian. Dad and Melissa, thanks a lot! Oh, Brian,

any DC area ranged fumbles? Um. The rumble, the jingling tumble, and fumble! Oh, God. All right, man. Here we go.

We're diving in. Wait, should I look for around here? DC, baby. DC or Baltimore. Should I do a quick look? Not at the city. Yeah, look at the city. By the way, even though I'm from Texas, the Astros could go to hell.

Let's go Nats. Hey, I see you, baby. Strasburg. Shameless pandering. You are shameless. I like the Nats, actually, thanks to Tony Kornheiser. Yeah, unfortunately, I don't see anything close. So I'm going to go with the first one you looked at.

Zach from North Carolina. Zach? Any chance? No? All right. Hi, Zach. Where's your loyalty, Zach? Zach? I can't drive a few hours? All right, here we go.

Zach from North Carolina. Let's give him a hand. Whether from user error or the unkind hand of fate, your ranged weapon malfunctions terribly and damages your hand. No! 1d2 dex damage. That's it. No save.

Okay. 1d2 dex damage. I got you. I got you. Yeah, you do one and you're fine. One point of dex damage. All right. Oh, thank God.

Could have been worse. Could have been way worse. What happens to the bomb? It just flies and lands on Joe's orc's corpse somehow. Those bullets come down. It goes down a laundry chute. Those bombs come down. So, like, I think part of the ad mixture, like, seeps out and burns my hand as I'm throwing it.

Yes, singes your hand. It's like, ah! Like, lie or something. Yeah, it's like chemical burn. It's Tiny Murder Clown's turn. Tiny Murder Clown says, Hee hee! I'm gonna go see that horse!

Hoo hoo hoo hoo! And he runs off into the mist. Of course he does. Of course he does. Abandoning my companions is what I do fourth best! I think cuddling is what he does fourth best. Oh, that's right. And he will surely not get a cuddle from me now.

No, he won't. Atticus Grimm, when you came out here, when all this went down, what I forgot to mention is the fog grasped at your ankles, pulled you to the ground, and as this creature attacked Mrs. Old Lady, clearly she was the subject of its attacks.

You cast mirror image on yourself like a dummy. Creating five images of yourself. Prone on the ground. And I get yelled at for healing myself. We're making that like a slumber party. Oh my god, what'd you say? What are you gonna do here? Is there anything you can do?

Oh, there is. There is, because it's not too far gone yet. You said I can see it, right? You can see it. It has concealment, not total concealment. Okay. So what do you do if it's a spell and there's no attack roll? You just roll 20% on the spell? No, if it's

not an attack roll and you have line of sight, which you do. Okay. At total concealment, you don't have line of sight. Right. You can do the spell unless I don't like it. What is it? It is Bone Shaker. Oh, yeah. Now, is it living?

I like the sound of that. Or is it undead? Well, I'm glad you asked. It's a hell of a question, Brian. Is it flesh and bone? You really know how to strike home with those questions. As far as you know, it is living.

Okay. I'd like to do a knowledge check first, but right before that casting. So is it planes or... Planes. Knowledge planes. Okay. Oh, wasted that. Actually, no, it's an attack roll.

So 27 knowledge planes. Oh, nice. What is useful about this creature? A weakness that we could exploit, perhaps. Okay. Is it weak to direct bone damage? I'd take a shot. It has osteoporosis!

Hit it now! Everything you've got! As luck would have it. Alright, this is really the only thing I can give you that I think is going to help, possibly. It might not help with what you're doing, but if this combat lasts long. Help Mrs. O'Lady. It doesn't breathe, and it's immune to effects that require breathing.

Okay. Is it immune to mind affecting? I'm sorry. That's all the information I can give you. Come on, man. Didn't I already hit it with him? Did you get that already? I think I hit it.

Oh, 27? Yeah, I can get multiple pieces of useful information. It's not immune to mind-affecting effects. All right, great. This old lady, strike its mind. Charm it with your mind. Do it. All right, now, Troy, I need you to roll a very important,

a very important fortitude save. Let me get old neon green here. Oh, no. I want to kill this old lady. Natural three. Natural three. Oh, baby! Oh!

Oh! He reaches out. Multiple Atticus's, making eye contact with the creature all of them reach their hand out at the same time seems to empower the spell grabs the bones of it mechanically seems to grab the bones of the creature

and crush them causing grievous harm you take 15 points of damage. Whoa. And I pull the target five feet down closer to us. No one can kill me! He's pulling a guy, it's very brutal. Bottle cap, you get a bottle cap. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, DC Joe! DC Joe is about as good as the movie DC Cab. That movie is awesome.

I love that movie. Well, you kill it. However, as it dies, Mrs. Old Lady falls 20 feet, taking 2D6 damage. 15. Didn't you pull it 5 feet down? It was 25 feet up, because it started 5 and went 20. Don't tell me 15! 8 points of damage.

Still alive. Everyone wanted to see your hastily made character you did on the lift over here. That hastily made character is pretty cool. Damn it. I'll get you, old lady. It's the last thing I do. You are prone,

and you take another 15 points of damage. As the creature lands on top of me? As the creature lands on top of you, Talon's down, and just impales itself. I can see it. There needs to be a mechanic for that. There should be. Somewhere Jason Bullman is sitting with a glass of scotch and going, there he is.

Back in my day there was. You survived the encounter, but you're not out of the woods yet. Tiny Murder Clown is gone. You're prone, and what do you got, three hit points? I have three hit points. Three hit points left. The rest of you haven't taken any damage, I don't think.

No. Not on this battle. But Aldo runs up, and he's just like, Oh, no, this is a lie. Look, look, it Mrs. O'Lady, that looked like it hit. Quite a bit. He pulls out from his bandolier a little potion of

cure-light wounds. He mixes up and administers to her Oh, thank you. Use those shitty dice my dad gave me. Skid kindly lent me his dice because I forgot mine and I sure as hell wasn't going to borrow from Joe.

Yeah, he was like, did anybody have extra dice? I was like, I don't have extra dice, but I have just the set that I brought. I can sit in between us and we could share. And all four of them just turned to me at the table and were like, are you joking? That's never going to happen.

Six points of healing. Thank you. There you go. Mrs. Old Lady, may I offer more healing to you? I'd be much obliged. So I will use my sanctuary spell shot to cast an empowered

cure light wounds by using up one of my blessings. Jesus out of the box. Classic. You get two points of healing. Minimum healing. I'll do one more spell. Make it quick, Halstead. Burn them all.

She's dying. Six points of healing. I'm feeling much better, thank you. Not all the way better, but mostly better. All right, so let's look at the situation here. Obviously, outside is not the best place to be, but there's a lot of unexplored area out here as well. Maybe you found the source of that door shaking.

Maybe you haven't. There is a lot of unexplored courtyard. You also see doors right near where Atticus is. A door, hymnia, another door, hymnia. Also, if you go back looking at the map, looking up in the room with Ivory Gardine and her three friends, whose names you never asked, there's a door. Sorry, how you never asked. There's a door.

Sorry, how rude of us. There's a door. Shma. And then just past where that haunt was up Shmia, there's another door. Shma. Come on, Grant. Show them the northern door.

So sorry. Sleep at the wheel. Right? Shmia. Shmia. One door. Let's move with. Two door.

And then three door, four door. Ho door. Let's go to the most northern and most western door, which I believe is this one. Well, let's go at a sprint, because these images won't last long. Hurry! Hurry! The images... Six Atticus's just start running.

Three or four images expire. It's hilarious. So you leave the courtyard. Yeah, I think we're going to go inside. All right, you're going to go back. We run in. And she sees six of you. We killed it. They're all like, we killed it. All the Atticus mirrors.

We killed it. This thing that has been ravaging your door. You're safe from it now. Your door is safe forever. Are you sure? Nothing will ever harm you again. What was it?

Not even old age could take you now. You'll live forever. Not on a diet. Not even God himself could take you. Not even God himself. What on a diet. Not even God himself can take it. Not even God himself. What a good combination. Like a two-hearted and a red wine. Oh, yeah.

It's like, what's the easiest way to get a headache? Yeah. Might as well mix the two. I love it so much. 8% ale. We can't do shots. And a red wine. How about a little Shiraz?

They ran out of beer. They ran out of beer? They ran out of beer? Oh, shit. Wow. I'm surprised they aren't right at it. All right, so she says to you, are you sure that you took care of the threat you explored the entire courtyard?

Well, yes. Sure. What did she, sort of a vision of the horseman of the apocalypse, in the entire courtyard? Well, yes. Sure. Well, we did see sort of a vision of the horseman of the apocalypse. It's probably not. But I don't think

it's a big deal or anything. Horseman of the apocalypse. There's a white horse sort of in the mist there. Its name might have been Death. It's Ryder. It's Ryder. But behold,

I saw a pale horse and its name might have been Death. But I couldn't say. We didn't have any interaction. We could have been. It's rider. It's rider. But behold, I saw a pale horse, and it's line might have been death, but I couldn't say. We didn't have any interaction. We didn't ask it. Didn't ask. We didn't have a conversation at all. Well. It rode away. It just ran away. Is it a harbinger of the end of days? Who can say?

Certainly not us. Well, I hope white horses of the apocalypse like potatoes. For if it comes for us that is all we have to offer uh thank you we all four of us thank you for um giving us a sense of peace while we cook here what well here here's a suggestion yes why don't you leave a bowl of like peeled potatoes outside of the door, which will either appease it, or we'll draw enough wolverines that

they will then drive it away. Perfect plan. The wolverines of the dreamscape. Yeah. Ferocious beasts. Yeah. They shall come through the mists. I'll keep that in mind. Ravage your potatoes. I'll keep that in mind. Rabbit Joe Potatoes. I'll keep that in mind. Freeze!

I tire of the four of you in this role play. So you should get out of here. Elegant. Yes. I can take a hint. We have a lot of stuff to do. Isn't that right, everyone? We nearly died for you.

Yes, good. Goodbye. Good luck. But what is your plan? Our plan is to move north and to the west as quickly as possible. To that door. This door.

Someone we wish to speak to in that direction. Well, Godspeed to all of you. We will be here if you need us. Don't need us. Ivory, before we leave, I just wanted to meet the rest of your crew. What are their names? Oh, their names.

Well, this is Steve Jefferson. their names. Oh, their names. This is Steve Jefferson. The other cook is Steve? Yes, that's Steve. And of course, Ryder McClintock. Hello, Ryder. And of course,

who could forget Susie Wanamaker. Hello, Susie! Steve Jefferson, Ryder McClintock. Susie Wanamaker. All of us will be here should you need really funny names. Perhaps you could

prepare us a crepe. We must go. Alright. To the Northwest Hall. Peace. Now, before we do, there is the concern of this haunt Ah yes When you came into this room here As you were exploring the fireplaces In that last one

They looked like they had all gone cold Nothing was cooking on them But all of a sudden The lid started moving As if something was cooking It tipped over and a face Poured out of it, and you all had to roll a save against something.

Atticus, I think you were the one to roll knowledge religion? Yeah. To find out, yeah, it's a haunt, and what do you know? That it's probably going to reset itself, which means you'd have to roll the save again. I wonder if, because with haunts, you have to satisfy some condition of the haunt to quill it.

And I'm wondering if maybe we light fires under the cooking pots. Yes, stoke the fire. Yeah. Unless he burned alive inside of those fires. Well, yeah. Light all three braces. Yeah. But I wonder, because he came out of the pot.

Like, he sickened us. Like, we were nauseated. Right. So I feel like the haunt has something to do with, like, food, with eating. You know what I mean? So that's my best guess at the moment. Or we need to find his body, chop it up, and cook it in the pot. Oh.

To go with the face. Yeah. Oh. That's it. Clearly, that's the only logical solution. Yeah, that's it. And then feed it to others, because faces are also the things we used to eat. It's true.

Little Titus Andronicus. The Titus Andronicus gambits. I like it. The Titus maneuver. Yeah, the Titus Andronicus gambits. I like it. The Titus maneuver? Yeah, the Titus maneuver. So you want to find a body and cook it in the pot and eat it? I think that's the only thing we'll have to do. No, I'm kidding.

All right. What are you going to do? Do Skits plan. All right. Well, I do think that we should be concerned about this haunt. Do I have any idea if it seemed to be an hour or a 24 hour sort of haunt? One of you could go out there and

brave it and see if you trigger it and then you would know. Who among us? I'll do it. That's the highest we'll see. I'm not afraid of a good chunder. Alright out there. Report back. I throw open the door. Says, come and get me, you bloody ghost, if you dare.

So Atticus whips open the door. Excuse me, Aldo whips open the door, walks out past those little rocks right up to the pot, and nothing happens. Someone clearly found the body, cooked it. They beat us to it. Chopped up the body, served him

his own body. Someone enacted a brilliant plan. Preemptively. I think it was Ryder McClintock. He had a guilty look in his eye. That's a Ryder McClintock move. It had to be him. He didn't say anything, but you could tell. You could see the look in his eye. That's such a Ryder McClintock move. It had to be him. He didn't say anything, but you could tell.

You could see the grease on his chin. I am making a character named Ryder McClintock. I don't know what class he is, but he's going to be cool. He's a ranger, I guess. A ranger? Yeah, Ryder McClintock. All right, so, yeah, Aldo goes out there. Nothing happens, but you know it's only a matter of time.

Maybe it's 30 minutes, an hour, two hours. Okay, let's move quickly. With all haste. Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom. Shunk, shunk, shunk, skunk, skunk, skunk. You guys rush up to that door to the west. It's the only door that continues in the direction you think you're supposed to be going to try and find this tower

where one of Xandalus' Onerogens is presumably alone. Maybe you'll get information about the mist. Maybe you'll get information about Zandalus. It's really all you've got to go on right now. I think it happens all the time.

It happens all the time. Fucking hell. Don't encourage this. Don't encourage this. Don't encourage this. It's unprofessional. How does he do it, you may ask? By typing. Yeah.

Just trying to create the mood, and I ruin the mood. Just slow down, baby. Who opens the door? I open the door. I open the door. I open the door. You open it with all hate. You just like, ah! You open it?

Throw it open. Very true. Total abandonment. Do it. You open the door, and it is a partially collapsed room that you see. Looks like there's a hallway running down to the south. There's a door to the north, but the western wall is gone. And the door leading to the north is cracked and beaten,

and through the cracks, there's like a little yellow mist seeping in. Oh, man. So maybe that door leads to the outside. You know what's out there. Maybe it just leads to a room where the mist is thicker. Maybe another courtyard. You don't know, but you know what's in the mist. Yeah.

Aldo goes, heads towards the southern edge of the room and looks down the hallway. Everybody else enters the room behind you, yes? Absolutely. Alright, so you look down the

southern hallway there and you see a door. Can we roll a perception check? Natty 19. My dad's shitty die. It's turning around. 23. Natty 19.

What about you, Grant? 18. 18 for Grant. 11 for Atticus. I was going to ask Matthew first. Matthew? 11 for me as well. And I think that's everybody.

Joe, what did you get? 11. 11. nobody cares. You shut your mouth. Halster and Aldo. Obviously, Aldo is the one that entered the room first. You see that collapsed wall. You see the door to the north.

Aldo looks around the corner, sees a hallway leading down. But at that moment, something climbs out of the rubble. Something climbs out of the rubble. Something climbs out of the rubble, and you see like a rainbow of colors. Brightly colored creature, small, long neck, looks like some sort of

amphibian, multiple legs, a fanged snout, and numerous finlets running down its spine. And it steps out and screams. Oh, no. Roll for initiative. Oh, no!

A quick combat. Roll for initiative. Let's fucking go. No! All right. Let me get rid of the murder clown You no longer have Your five images dummy So

What do you got Aldo Fifteen Fifteen for Aldo Atticus Nine Classic Mrs. O'Lady Nine

You should be dead Halster Nineteen Nineteen It is the surprise round in which the creature, Halster and Aldo can act. The first to act will be

Halster. Can I see it on the map? Yeah. Right in front of me? Yeah, you can. You want to see it? I'll show it to you. Big oaf. No, don't show it to us.

There it is. Right there. And it looks like this. Ah! Oh, wow. Chase it, find it. Wow. I was going to say, from the description, it sounded a little bit like Lady Rainicorn.

Sounded adorable. But it does not look like Lady Rainicorn at all I like when he moves Hey Hey, how's it going? Hey You guys

Did you guys cook that body and chop it up? I can hear you talking about it I think it was a good plan What was that joke Matthew said about vampires? I wasn't listening Beginning of the show Anyways, we should probably fight to the death. I'll be over here in this rock pile.

What do you want to do? Oh dear. I'm going to cast Divine Favor on myself. Ooh, here's a Divine Favor. And white claws appear. Oh no, truly. Excuse me. That's truly.

They truly are the brown favor. If you like sodas that make you feel silly, you should have tried truly, the only soft drink of the Glass Cannon Network. Yo, this is awesome. Thank you. It's truly the best. It's truly the best.

Truly the best. Better than all the rest. If they don't hire us for ads, they're dumb. Yo, that's legit good. You know what you gotta do? You gotta mix it with wine and bells. And then you shoot it. I call this one.

That one's called the We're All Gonna Die Someday. I feel like Alex Ovechkin celebrated the Stanley Cup when he was drunk for like three months. He was just fucking drunk everywhere he went. You are the worst. I love all Washington except for the professional football team. He would get fucking drunk everywhere he went. You are the worst. You are the worst. I love all Washington except for the professional football team.

This is a really funny bit now, but we have to go in the lift with him tonight at 1 in the morning. You know, Joe, that's all I have to say. That's all I have to tell you. How much I love you. That's true. It's right there. It's too hard, too long. Yes.

You'll get very huggy. You've got a pretty face. You got a pretty face. You get a little handsy. Halster, it's your turn. You get a move or a standard. Kill it. I just... Oh, it's my turn after the surprise round?

Yes. Stop drinking wine and bells and drooling. One shot. You're the first act in the surprise round. First act in the surprise round. First act in the surprise round. Go. One shot. Go.

I thought I cast Divine Favor on myself as my surprise round. You are correct. Yeah. You are correct. I'm not going to take twice. All right. So it's its turn. And I mentioned that it howls.

You guys remember when I mentioned that? Standard action. It's just... A blood-curdling howl. Everybody roll a will save. You roll it. Shit. Is this a psychic spell or a spell-like ability?

It is a supernatural ability, asshole. Whatever, natural 18. You're hot tonight. You're hot. You're riding that old lady luck. Luck be Old lady Tonight So you got an

Addie 18 What about you Joseph Kennedy O'Brien That'd be a fail That'd be a six Just a six You never know

This late into the adventure Maybe it Maybe it was DC six Halster, Bryce? A 20. And Aldo Casimir? 10. All right, we got

two fails, two saves. Mrs. O'Lady and Halster are fine, unfortunately. Atticus and Aldo, the two A's of the group, you are dazed for one round. No! And then, shaken for two rounds.

The only good part of that is just sitting back, enjoying my truly, and watching my friends play around. I don't have to do anything. You can just watch the show. Exactly. This is a good seat.

You can see Matthew's dice. They're right there. Aldo, here's the good seat. Great seat, Matthews. Dice, they're right there. Aldo, here's the good news. You know, this is, you get to act in the surprise round, so you're dazed for the surprise round. And you can't do anything, right? You guys have dazed in front of you?

Anybody know dazed? I'm not dazed, so I didn't bother to look at it. Not talk to you. Because you can't do anything. Can't do anything. Yeah, you can't do anything. And I think you don't take a penalty to your AC, but I'll look it up. Well, it's going to be over for him anyways. Let's go to round one. It's Halster's turn. Halster will take a five-foot step.

And with divine favor, with red destiny, will swing out at this creature. Do it. And I brought out to save Matthew's life my big red, which was a black guy. It's what's been rolling rocks for me. I did for Matthew, but now I get to use it for myself, which is how I like it. So let's go. Fucking four.

See, this is going to be good storytelling. Mr. O'Lady survives and you think you're fine, and then this creature kills one of you. Yeah, that's the bait and switch. That's how we do it. Is that your original Big Red? That is the die that shot Lord from the bait and switch. That's how we do it. Wait, Grant, is that your original Big Red? That's original Big Red. That is the die that shot Lork from the catapult.

What? Yeah, it is. He gave me that die, and it was like the same thing. I rolled it, and it was like, four. Come on, Grant. What did I roll? Oh, no, it was a D6 that killed Gormley. Spoilers.

Yeah. Oh. Yeah, there's people here that haven't listened to that episode. The walk-ins. Don't forget all the walk-ins. Oh, look. Glass Cannon Live. It's been a tough day at the impeachment hearings.

I think I might take in a show at the Miracle. What's going on there tonight? Bro, they're in session until like 2. Oh, that's right. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. It's its turn. Full attack on Halster. Oh boy.

No penalty to your AC for days. Confirmed. Now, I don't want you to be nervous, Halster, because it only has five attacks. What? It only has five. Could have been six. I love that joke. Here we go. Bite. Let's start with the bite.

Shitballs. 12. Miss. And now claw, claw, claw, claw. It's got four claws. First claw. Boom. 20.

Hit. Ooh. Giddy up city. That is going to be four points of damage. Ooh. Second claw. Fuck. Third claw.

18. Hit. Oh, come on, man. Get your AC claw. 18. Hit. Oh, come on, man. Get your AC up. Four points of damage on that one. Get your AC up, man. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait.

Wait. All you gotta do is take damage. I think it's still a hit. Yeah, okay. Sorry, sorry. So sorry. Here we go. Final hit.

Come on, natural 20. Come on! Out of the box. I'm so excited. I got grant hands. Final hit. Come on, Natural 20. Come on! Out of the box. I'm so excited. I got Grant hands. Natural 20. Everybody calm down, okay? Relax.

That's the cat's eye, Natty 20. Relax. To confirm. Natty 14. 21 to hit. Yeah. Dude. We're three-. 21 to hit. Yeah. Dude, we're pretty sure

immune to crits. It's not a named character. Oh, nothing? But I named it. Ah. What did you name it, Troy? Critical credit. Writer McClintock.

Senior. Oh, no. Oh, no. Is this his father? Let's make it exciting. Give me a fan crit. All right. This one, I'm going to try to go close.

This one, Devin in Lynchburg, Virginia. Is that close? All right. Not really. Devin didn't come out to the show. Piece of shit. All right. Oh.

That's like a $100 supporter on Patreon. Here we go. Badass wedding. I know. And downgrade. I'm like a $100 support around here. Here we go. That S-word. I know. And downgrade. I'm like, okay. This one is spite of cabra casa.

What? He goes to bite and a churro comes out. A churro. What? A churro. That would not be a fumble. Why? It must have been delicious. Oh, dear. That would not be a fumble. Delicious. Oh dear.

No, no, this isn't bad. This is really good for us. This is a bad crit. Is it a short crit? Yeah. Huh. Joe, who's in charge of editing the clips? I had to reread it because I was like, this is pretty bad. Joe, who's in charge of editing the clips?

I had to reread it because I was like, this is pretty bad. You release what surely would have been a devastating... It's the spite of Kabuto Kaza. You release what surely would have been a devastating blow if not for the target's armor absorbing most of the damage. Normal damage to the target. And the target's armor, shield, clothing, or nearest applicable piece of equipment. If the target has

no armor, double damage. So basically, it's like it saves you. It's a bad crit. But it hurts the armor. It hurts the armor, and you take normal damage. Alright, three points of damage to you, and eight points of damage to your armor. I'm sure you have your armor's HP on.

Yay. Oh, man, could you imagine if Skid pulled that? Ooh. Ooh. I'm glad you didn't come, Devin, you coward! Show yourself! Wait, why is that my spike? I know.

How does that feel to be associated with such a shitty crit? You know what? Wait, I know why. Because I have concerns about why our clothes don't get incinerated. Yes, what? Wait, I know why. Because I have concerns about why our clothes don't get incinerated. Yes, yes, that's what it is. That's what it is.

It's an old inside joke. Wow. I wouldn't say I'm spiteful about it, though. It's a Capitacasa crit because it's supposed to be something that's good and it sucks.

Let's move on. No, it's because he's so well-dressed at all times that he would attack your accoutrements if he were to hit you. Go ahead, Troy. You should do this more.

It is Aldo's turn. Aldo, I'll say that the surprise round, you lost your action in the surprise round. That burned your day, so you're still shaken for two rounds, but I'm going to let you act in this round. All right, so I don't know if this is all still in effect, but I'm fatigued, shaken, for sure, and sickened. Yes.

I'm in pretty bad shape. Fatigued, shaken, and sickened. When were you sickened? I don't know. Do you all know? Is it a part of filth fever? It's from the filth fever, so I don't know. You're fine.

I'm fine. Walk it off. I mean, I'm not sick enough. The filth fever is Dex and Con damage. You shouldn't be sickened from that. You might have been sickened from... Yeah, you are. You might have been sickened from some other effect.

It might have been the haunt. Yeah, don't worry about it. Take that off. We were fatigued from something, and I don't remember. Was that the flying creature? We were fatigued for one hour, so has it been an hour? No, it hasn't been an hour. So stay fatigued, stay shaken, get rid of sicken.

Okay, all right. Thank you. It's so nice to be able to play the game with an audience. Yeah. I know. You guys should come to our studio and do this. You'll be so much easier. We'll load up the studio with you guys.

Okay. What do you want to do? So I don't know. I'm going to pull out my sickle. Yeah. I don't know. I'm going to pull out my sickle. Yeah. And Shards is like, Lighting rain of corn,

get your dirty hooves off of my friend. Oh, natty 19. For an 18. And the sickle doesn't crit 19 to 20, right? No. All right, so that is a hit. That is a hit. And wait, I'm sorry.

Is this a new round? Is that what it is? This is round one. Well, he's dazed. But you weren't listening. Oh, I'm sorry. You should listen. I focus on other things.

I know. Besides what you say. I know. You should talk about Joe when he's looking at something else. I don't know if it makes it through the edit every time, but there are a lot of times when we're recording that we'll all say something, and then about two minutes later, Joe will say it again. Yeah. And then I just snip it out.

Yeah, no, that dazed, I let him burn his surprise round for it. Oh, okay. What do you got? Three points of damage. Three points of damage. From old Aldo Katherman. Let's take it to Atticus Grimm. Joe, blow us away with your mediocrity.

So I'm also not dazed, correct? You're shaken. Yes, you've shaken. Shaken, not dazed. No, you are dazed. Yes. The way I did it, I don't know how you're supposed to fucking do it. Oh, because he rolled in the surprise round. Yeah, so I burned his surprise round. You're dazed. So my round is off, but now I'm no are dazed. Yes. The way I did it, I don't know how you're supposed to fucking do it. Oh, because he rolled in the surprise round.

Yeah, so I burned his surprise round. You're dazed. So my round is off, but now I'm no longer dazed. Stop wasting our show time. It's Mrs. O'Lady. Mrs. O'Lady, you should be dead, and I wish you were. He's so angry. What do you want to do?

Nobody cares. Mrs. O'Lady! Mrs. O'Lady will draw her sword cane and charge at the creature. But I don't think I can mechanically charge. But she will charge at it, just won't get the mechanical bent. She takes a five-foot charge.

Five-foot charge. Take that, you! Natty, 17. Yeah! Four and 18. Yeah, same thing. That's a hit. Beautiful.

This does 1d6 minus 1 damage. Four points of damage. How is this party still alive? Wow. They don't do any damage. Because you're weak, Troy. I'm weak. You don't have what it takes.

It's a new round. It's Housster Price's turn. Halster, what do you do? Halster, bolstered by the courageous actions of Aldo and Mrs. Old Lady, strikes out again. 22 to hit. Oh, yeah. Let's get to some damage. Nine points of damage.

Nice, dude. Slash. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. All right. I think it's its turn. It is. I'm going to roll out some full attack action on you, Johns.

Let's start with an attack on Mrs. Old Lady. Maybe a full. We'll see what happens. Let's start with the bite on Mrs. Old Lady, because this one really lays out the best damage. 15. Miss. start with the bite on Mrs. Olayi, because this one really lays out the best damage. Fifteen. Miss. Nice!

Four claws on Mrs. Olayi. Here we go. Miss. He's going after you. Oh, here we go. Twenty-two. Yeah. Alright, that's going to be three points of damage. No, excuse me, four points of damage. Third claw, miss. Fourth claw, 20?

Yeah. All right. That is going to be three points of damage. Okay. You all right? I'm not feeling great. The one good thing is you guys have kind of cornered it here against this rubble. That wall, it's impassable from here

to get into whatever was on the other side of this. So it really can't do anything. If it wants to try to move through you, it's going to incur a bunch of attacks of opportunity. So the one thing you have going for you is you've cornered it. Aldo, you're up. You got a sickle. You hit it. What do you want to do?

There's nothing safer to attack than a cornered animal. I'm going to take another swing with my sickle. Okay. That is a natty six. That is a natty... Dad. Natty... He watches all of these. He loves these.

Thanks, Dad. This counts for our weekly call. This counts for our weekly call. Who's the dad now? Yeah, that was... It's Atticus' turn. Atticus, you're no longer dazed, but you are shaken. And you're the worst.

He's fatigued. He's shaken. He's got ability damage. He's wavering on his feet. And you're the worst. He's fatigued. He's shaken. He's got ability damage. He's wavering on his feet. He can't do anything. He's going to try desperately to shoot this thing. This is stupid. But he's just going to do a blinding ray. Try to do a touch attack.

See if he can get something off on its lower AC. His attack bonus is terrible. 19 to hit touch. Yeah. That's a hit. something off on its lower AC. Its attack bonus is terrible. 19 to hit touch. That's a hit. Beautiful. That is a hit. Is it more than 3? Level 3. HD?

HD, I guess. I'm assuming it is. Then it is dazzled for one round. So minus 1. Dazzled. DJ Splash Dazzled. Dazzled. DJ Splash Dazzled. Minus one to hit for one round.

Minus O. Thrilling. Mrs. O'Lady, a sack of crap. Mrs. O'Lady will ignore you and take another stab with the sword kick. Don't ignore me. Natty, 16 for a 17. That is a hit exactly. One point of damage.

Oh, boy. And then she will take a five-foot step back. Nobody cares. Halster, new round. Halster looks over at Aldo and says, Best friend, let's flank this son of a bitch. And steps five feet forward or moves. It doesn't matter either way

because he's taking a standard attack action. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It does matter. Is it difficult terrain? No. Oh, okay. I'm just taking one attack. No, it would get an attack of opportunity.

Oh, it matters if it's a difficult terrain. Don't worry about it. It's pretty great, Grant, that you've played several hundred episodes of this game and missed that one. Shots fired. That's cold. They got really intense.

I was saying it in jest. Grant, look at his face. Matthew, you really need to learn how to talk to people nice. I'm sorry, Grant. You've got to look at a behemoth like this guy. See what happens when you spend time around Troy, you get caught up in the negative energy, I'm sorry, Grant. You gotta look at a behemoth like this guy and think... When you spend time around Troy, you get caught up in the negative energy and then you say mean things

to Grant. He is sensitive! And he looks at you like a best friend. He does. He looks up to you. He has taken you under his massive wings. Brought you to SoulCycle. I think he even bought you a Peloton.

You bought me a Peloton? I was going to tell you after the show, but yes. It's canon. Returned. Fuck you, Matthew. That's a 19 to hit. Looks like you'll have to take a real bike to work 19 to hits

Ooh, max damage 13 points of damage Fuck you, Matthew In spite of Kamen Hikasa This is what I do, I turn you against each other You hit it and you were like, fuck you Shut up, Matthew. Alright.

So great. It's its turn. This thing sucks. Everything sucks. This little lady should be dead. Why are you holding your Fitbit in your hand? Are you trying to get some extra miles? It's the detonator. No! Hey, you can't make that joke.

Oh, come on. Cheater! Here we go. It's not going to measure any fitness. I'm going to roll to attack. So creepy. Stop looking at your fitness. All right.

Nervous. Multiple attacks. Here comes the bite on hamster. Minus one. Minus one to all attacks. Alright, that is going to be a hit I think with a 23. Oh, that's a hit. A couple things are going to happen. First, you're going to take max damage, seven points of damage.

Oh no. Free chance to trip you. Oh no. Ah, Natty, 18. 23 against CMD. Considering my CMD is 15, yes. Oh, bites you and its long-sharp teeth are so jagged that they pull you to the ground and you fall prone. Is your AC now better against melee attacks or worse?

It's worse against melee. It's better against ranged. Then let's do four melee attacks against you with the claw. Here comes the claw! 18 to hit. That's a hit. Show is two points of damage. And then, ooh, Natty, 17.

That'll be another hit for max four points of damage. You still up, bro? You still up? I'm crying and peeing myself, but I'm still up. Natural 20. Oh! You see? 20. Oh! Oh! Did you see it?

Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble,

Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble,

Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble,

Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble,

Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble,

Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble,

Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble,

Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, Trimble, You gotta confirm that ship.

I think it's confirmed. That's a 12. 12 down? It is? No, it's a 17 total. Oh, your CMD was... That's my rolling arm, you hurt. Yep, that's why I did it, Troy. All right.

If I can even get this out. Exploding dice. Max, that's exploding. So that's gonna be four points of damage. Oh, almost another explode. Four plus fucking... What am I doing? Five, six, seven points of damage. Oh, almost another explode. Four plus fucking... What am I doing? Seven points of damage. Are you unconscious?

I am unconscious. And I still have one more attack. On death's door. Should I... Should I do the final attack? Oh my God. Yeah!

Kill Grant! Kill Grant! Kill Grant! Kill Grant! Kill Grant! Kill Grant! Kill Grant! Yeah, but it's your unconscious.

What's your AC when you're unconscious? What's your unconscious AC, Grant? Sorry, Troy. I really took it out of myself hurting your unconscious. What's your AC when you're unconscious? What's your unconscious AC, Grant? Sorry, Troy. I really took it out of myself hurting your arm. Unconscious. Let me turn that up. Turn it up. Here we go.

11. 12 to hit. I rolled a 5 and it's a plus seven. Plus seven. Let's roll some DiMaggio. I feel blood left in the crowd. I like it. I like it.

This is our very saucy DC. I think this crowd is the hungriest for blood we've ever seen. Enjoy your taxation without representation. Max damage. But it's only four points of damage. Okay. I am rounds away from death. I'm gonna kill somebody at the beginning of the year.

It's Aldo's turn. Aldo, you see Halster Price, formerly best friend, formerly Matthew's best friend, crumble to the ground, bleeding out as this thing just ravages him. Bite! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! What do you do?

Aldo said, Best friend! You're my best friend! And he takes a five-foot step. Throws a bomb with splash damage? Yeah! And he administers his final cure-light wounds of the day. That's a heel turn, Skid.

Now, Aldo, correct me if I'm wrong, but you're going to have to roll to avoid the attack of opportunity. You have to cast defensively. It's a concentration check. Concentration or casting defensively? Casting defensively, yes. It's 94. So you lose the heal.

Do you lose? Yeah. Do you lose the spell if you fail? But it doesn't provoke, right? Correct. No heal. Spell's gone. So it not like knocks

my vial out of my hand as I'm trying to pour it into his mouth. And it lands right in the creature's mouth and heals it. Can you believe? That's crazy that that just happened. That's in the book. I can't believe. That's in the book. Wow. That's in the book. I can't believe. That's in the book. Wow. That's in the book.

Should an alchemist attempt to cast a spell? Read it. Page 232. It took the baby bird feed. They thought of everything. They really did. They're good. They're good.

It took the baby bird feed. It's just like. I'm pretty sure that's 2D12 worth of healing. Awesome 212s. Back up to Max. Rough round for old Aldo Casimir. It's Atticus Grimm's turn. Grant, you must feel great knowing your lives are in the hands of men like Joe.

I assume he's going to delay. Delay! Delay! Delay! I'm going to delay. No, I'm just kidding. I have an idea. Perhaps this creature hasn't seen this one. He's in the back.

The creature's fighting. Perhaps it's distracted enough. He looks into his research, he looks into the dark book in which he did what he took to improve the quality of his shows, the dark magic that he touched. He reaches in, draws out its power, thinks about how much time he has spent with Halster,

how he's gotten to know him, how he's gotten to know everything about him. And he just, he does this casting, and he makes it appear as if Aldo rises conscious and is about to swing at the creature. Halster? Halster, sorry.

Rises and is about to swing at the creature. So he casts a silent image that appears above Halster's unconscious body to appear like an actual combatant. So that he can't be attacked while unconscious is the idea. But its unconscious body still lays there, yes? Right, but the image isn't ethereal or transparent. Like, it's opaque. So, you know, you'd have to see around it or whatever.

In the heat of battle, maybe you would... Right, if it tried to interact with it, then it rolls a will save, right? Right, if he tries to attack it, and he has to hit a certain AC. If he misses, he rolls a will save. Will that be enough? Will that be enough? I feel like it'll buy you one round. Maybe we can try something else.

Maybe one round is all you need. Let me check. Misses a lady. This has gotten not so great. Out of hand. Get out of hand. Roll a will save. You know what? Don't fucking talk to me like that.

How dare you. You know what? Don't fucking talk to me like that. Fuck you, John. How dare you. All right, I'll roll a will save. You jerk. Natural one. Are you done, dude? What's going on? You are done, though.

Didn't you already establish this was a named character? I did, I did. He just failed to save. I failed to save. You didn't crit shit. So Mrs. O'Lady reaches out with her mind, feels the contours of this creature. Not unlike she did with the Tapestry of Madness.

Exactly. So long ago. So long ago. In the dark streets of Rushmore, as her son-in-law died in her arms. Exactly. So long ago. So long ago. In the dark streets of Threshmore, as her son-in-law died in her arms. Yes. And then she died at the DC live show, and Troy and the entire crowd was happy. Do you remember, guys?

The memory of the future. What could have been? What could have been? Take 15 points of damage. What? He's done. It's dead. Yeah!

Beautiful. Dead. Zony. And then its body explodes and Halster takes 45 points of damage. Unfortunately, that is a effect that I just added to the character. We don't have much time.

We must stabilize him. Does anyone have any means to do so? Stabilize the creature. Well, I mean, I think we have to stay. Yeah, the creature. It's the only thing.

Please. We must resurrect it for study. We must learn its secrets. Do we... I mean, we've got to stay in initiative, don't we? Yeah. If he's rounds from death, we've got to figure it out.'t we? If he's rounds from death we've got to figure it out

What are we sitting at in terms of Neg Con? I don't have a lot of time I've got to keep it moving Neg Con Five rounds left Okay So then it would have been Halster's turn

Halster rolls a stabilize Oh yes That is a 20 then Hauster's turn. Hauster rolls a stabilize. Oh. Yes. That is a 20. All right. Jerk. Then you're fine. You can come out of initiative and he is now stable and you can choose how you'd like to heal him.

Assuming you don't have a high, like super high con, right? It's 14. Yeah. That's a good one. Yeah, you're 14. It's 14. Yeah. That's a good one. Yeah, you're 14. It's 14. Yeah. You're 14.

Yeah. You're 13. I stand by that. No, you're 12. That crowd there. You have to understand, he said 20. The DC was 19.

You were like, yeah, you're fine. All right. The DC was 19. It was close. All right. Shut up. You live forever.

You live forever. Does anyone have any potions? I did. I have new potions? I did. I have new means. Didn't Dr. Ren Elborn give you something or no? Yes, I have this written down. He gave us a potion of cure moderate wounds instead of giving us a cure for filth fever.

And that is what Aldo dropped. No, it's not. It was an extract of some kind. Quick, the cure moderate. Pull it off his waist. Let's give it to him. I'm assuming Grant took it. So I'll take it off Halster's waist. And drink it.

And drink it. I was down one. Now I'm clear-headed. We can figure out what to do. What to do with a houndstooth. We are really in a pickle. That was delicious. Oh, boy.

What does Sticky Wicky Sticky Wicky What does he say He's staring over His unconscious body What to do What to do What to do

Can I Can I get a hit on that Pass it around I just want to taste it Oh that's good Throw it over your shoulder Alright Alright so

Heal this idiot So alright I'll roll it I got this. Yeah, you roll it. Easy peasy. Jesus. Bay-bay.

Boom sauce. Ten points. Exactly what you needed. It's a mod. It's a mod. Yeah, isn't that plus three? Don't you roll 2d8? Oh, 2d8.

Oh, please. So that's 18. Oh! I rolled a seven and an eight, dude. Feeling fine like a dandy lion. Do we have any more healing? I'm not feeling so great. I'm sick and tired of your complaining.

Your ceaseless whining. We're having fun. By the way, the creator of We're Having Fun is in the crowd tonight. Dave Woody, where are you, buddy? Woody Woodsman. Where's the Woodsman?

Dave Woody is one of my best buddies in the world from New York and he started us off saying we're having fun years ago. We're having a good time. We're having a good time. And then we trademarked it. And then we sold t-shirts.

And now we're making money off of it. And we charged him for a T-shirt with that phrase. Yeah. And he paid for a ticket tonight. At pretty much only a little above cost, though. Yeah. In our defense. We're so bad. All right.

So what do you want to do? I feel like we need to return to the doctor. Now, we've got to get back. It's clear we need some sort of doctor. Yes, we must rest. But I don't know that we will be safe from the nightmares. No, that's true. I don't think we will.

If we are not safe from the nightmares there, then I will not be able to regain my spells. Well, I can try the candle of spirit protection. Does that do that? Let me read it. Let me read the first three sentences out of ten. Yeah, let me read the first two sentences. Let me read the sentences that help me on my mission.

So I don't know if it would protect, but it says, the area is protected against intrusion by astrally projected creatures, ethereal creatures, haunts, incorporeal creatures, mediums channeling a spirit, and phantoms. Now, this is the key sentence. And at the GM's discretion can affect other spirits or creatures made of ectoplasm. All I saw was GM's

discretion. So use it. Definitely use it. At GM's discretion, you can add things. Sure. To the list. Yeah, but it's adding creatures. I don't feel like this is a creature effect as much as it is an aura effect. I think you should definitely try it. You can also haunt.

I think it's a real clever idea. What about a knowledge? What about a knowledge religion? To see if it would work. To try to figure out the GM's twisted mind. Let's try a knowledge religion. Let me see. Come on, dude.

I don't know which shit he died to use. This one was good to me recently. Ooh, there we go. 21. I was going to say I need a 21 or higher.

It's a knowledge religion. Okay. Get ready for that 21. So what's the question? Will it help prevent from nightmares? Yes. No! Easy enough.

Why was this item included in this adventure? Let's not. Oh, we'll find out. This item is beyond the scope of this adventure. You gave it to us. No, I'm sure soon enough we'll find out. Yes, yes. It's definitely...

When a creature is coming for us. Important. Well, let's head back find out. Yes, yes. It's definitely... When a creature is coming for us. In the night. Well, let's head back and talk to that crazy doctor. Yeah, we can... Oh, yes, we can ask him if they're having these nightmares. Yeah. Go from there. I had a question, Troy.

We don't have time. Stop breaking up the action, Grant. No, Grant, please. Tell me your question. We found the files of all the patients. Did we find patients on the employees employees or files on the employees? Can we look up Dr. Ren Elborn

in the files to learn more about him before we go there? You can certainly... Does it say, he's a patient that thinks he's a doctor? Yeah.

That's what I'm looking for. Isn't that the subject of many sketch comedy sketches? Yeah, yeah. He's got doctoriasis. Do you concur? It's incurable. What a cute case

of Dr. Isis. I haven't seen a case like this in years. There's no helping him. I mean, you've got a lot of paperwork. You can certainly look. And I will look

while you look. And we'll just sit here in silence for 15 minutes. Nobody say anything. Mrs. Old Lady, quick heal for you. Silence! Nine points of healing.

Ooh. Damn, fetching. How much healing do you have? That's it. Okay. That's all of it. So thank you for saving me. You're welcome.

Mrs. Old Lady's a hero. Yeah! Yeah. Okay, so you want to go back and you want to rest there and while you're there you want to look at the records just to see if you see anything about the doctor. Yeah.

Wait. Where are the records? Aren't they carrying all of them? You've got them on your person. Before we rest, I want to ask the doctor if they experience nightmares here when they sleep. Good call. Move yourselves on the map.

I can't do everything. Could you imagine this kind of commune of people? 30, 40 people. Alice Jor? Thought they ran out of beer. Not for us, suckers! You know, the first episode of Beer Pressure, Sculpin IPA.

This is truly delicious. We're not going to get any sponsor. I think we had it coming. One beer sponsor. No, but think about this. An entire commune of people, 30 people, and they all, every single one of them, has horrific nightmares every night, the entire night they sleep.

Imagine that after like a month. Yeah, it sounds like Coachella. Or the fire. That's good, Grant. Thank you. Where is the doctor song? I helped. I aided that high five. You connected it.

Wait, let me see if I can aid on that high five. Yeah, I did it. Close the circuit on the high five. All right, back Wait, let me see if I can eat on that high five. Yeah, I did it. Close the circuit on the high five. Alright, back to the doctor. Back to the doctor. Yes. Shibbity boobity boobity beep. You go back to the doctor. We don't have time for your baked goods. Where is he? Where is he on the map? Come to my tent,

he says. We should talk away from the... Please, come to my tent. Come to my web, said the spider to the... Come up to the lab and see what's on the slab. All right, so he says... Grant, you've done Rocky Horror, right? I have. I won the lap dance competition in college.

I had on, what do they call the thing that tightens your waist? A corset? A corset. I had on a corset. Grant, are there photos of this? Prove it! I might have one to show you later tonight. Matthew. Are you wearing a thong?

When am I not wearing a thong, Jim? Well, well, Erection, I'll see you in a few weeks. Wait. It's a good month when that happens. Maybe like the groundhog shadow. Three more. It's a whole separate, yeah. True. Maybe like the groundhog shadow.

Three more. It's a whole separate. Came early this year. We'll all winter this year. Oh boy. So to speak. Here we go. To the doctor's tent. Yes, so what's going on? We come in fatigued.

You look terrible. What did you find out there in the northern hallways? And we play the recap. Oh, my goodness. No, don't do it. Recap. Oh, we're having a good time. All right, all right, all right.

I cannot believe that story. Wait, tell it to me again. No, no, stop. Please, please don't tell it. Well, that is terrible. You said you were attacked by some extra planar creature in the courtyard that almost killed your old lady. It really tried very hard. Atticus will tell me what it was called.

I mean, I rolled a 27. A night gaunt. A night gaunt, yes. A night gaunt, yeah. I do not know such things. It was a night gaunt. I treat diseases of the mind. Do you know, perhaps, if they...

Do you know anything about... You don't know anything about it. No. Do I know, with that roll, if they travel, like, impacts? Or if they pair up? Or if they, you know what I mean? I can't remember what you rolled. I think it was Aldo that may have rolled.

I can't remember. It was probably you, but... No. 27. 27. Wait, was that on the Nikon? Yeah. Oh, that's right.

Yeah, no, they are usually solitary. Okay. Yeah, so it was out there. We dispatched of it. Its body still lies there in the courtyard. Horrible. Did you search the rest of the courtyard? No, we came back in as quickly as we could.

We didn't want to risk death. Why do you ask? Well, no, it's just, as you can see, and he, like, opens the flap of his tent and points over in the direction of these barricades here to the east of their encampment. Do you see that? Yes.

He's like, we... To the west of their encampment? Shut up. You're an idiot. The mists. Who still has light on them? Is that Hal Stern? Yep, all the time.

I'm scared. I'm scared. Really bright. He sleeps with a nightgown. Can you please turn that off? Hold on. That's actually a trade of grants that he gave to his character. It's now 100 feet wide.

There we go. There we go. My radius is wider than ever. There we go. Look, if she's leaving, she's like, fuck that light spell. This guy, too. He's like, nope, I've seen enough of Grant's light spell. I'm out.

That was the last straw. Let me know when he casts. The political jokes are one thing, but the 100-foot light radius, I am out of here. You're a lion in the sand. 1,000 points of light. That's awesome.

Here we go. What were we talking about? Okay. Oh, yes. As you can see over there is the barricades. We have put them up with what little remained here

from the cafeteria. Not only does the mist seep through, but strange things will bang there from time to time. Alright, come on. It is a sight to behold. They really go at it. Don't yuck someone else's yum, Troy

Yes, and we are We are left to just watch Helpless Helpless I admit from time to time I've considered joining in Yes, Doctor You seem rather to like it

Yes I treat diseases of the mind But how do you treat A disease of the body? I forgot he was German Yes How do you treat a disease of the body? I forgot he was German. Yes. How do you treat a disease of the body? A disease of the body.

So. What am I talking about? The courtyard. I mean, it's no matter. The courtyard. The courtyard. If you are saying that... I'm just going to make this accent more and more on the top.

If you are saying... That the courtyard is... Now he's French. Now he's French. Now he's French. What are you saying? You just made me this year. I think you just made me French.

Where did my mother was German and my father was French? I sent him a pistol and he sent it away. I didn't know. You are from Alsace-Lorraine. Yeah, right. Or Swiss or something. If you are saying that the courtyard, you have dealt with a creature out there,

perhaps that is enough. Only time will tell. I do not wish to send you back out there, but however, I will check and see If we have more banging More banging near the wood Take care Come on

More banging Guys this is a serious game Can we play Pathfinder and not have to stop? Please. Let's grow. So if I hear hard banging near the wood, I will be sure to alert you and you will go and check, yes? We?

Perhaps. Now I'm doing it for a change. Now, if we rest. Yes. In your tent. There's no room in my tent, but I will get you a tent of your own. In a tent of our own, do you experience the horrors of nightmares at night when you sleep? When you rest?

Oh, yes. The banging does not count. Oh, shit. Yes. Everyone. Everyone in here. Everyone here seems to be suffering from the same bad dreams. Me included.

I am not immune. We see mostly visions of bleak skies, endless wastelands, empty cities. Yes. empty cities there are some among us who say that they're the dreams that Zandalus himself used to have and perhaps now that they are free of his head

they have infected everyone else he leans in to whisper some say his head. They have infected everyone else. He leans in to whisper. Some say a creature known as the Tatterman. Tatter-fucking-Tatterman, baby!

That he brought the nightmares to Zandalus, and he's haunting all of our dreams. Others think they're visions of perhaps what lies in the fog. But who can truly say? Have you found a way to deal with these nightmares? Or are you suffering from them as well?

I am. I said that, but you weren't listening. You were probably thinking... You said everyone here experienced it. I didn't know perhaps... Shut up! You were thinking of a hoagie drenched in cheese whiz. Perhaps I've had too many Trulies. Don't judge me.

I don't know if I want to rest here. It's... Well, here's the thing. So we can't let on that there are people... Let on. Right. This is the same person that's been bloodthirsty the whole evening. That's what I'm pointing out.

He said to you last sesh that, like, don't let anyone know there's other survivors because there's people here that are fucked up and they're crazy and they'll go kill them. We go ranging to the south to find a way out despite all of the horror. If we're not back in 24 hours, just keep waiting.

I mean, you could rest and brave the nightmares. Maybe you'll be okay. But the problem is, if I'm not okay, I won't remember any of my spells, and I've used all of them. Yes, there is a risk, but...

It would make for a rather shitty day tomorrow. Would it be any shittier now? Yeah. It is up to you, but time is of the essence. I'm willing to wait. I think time is of the essence. So, wait, you wouldn't get any of your things back? If you fail... No, I would get my bombs back, though.

That's all I really care about. As long as you all know, then I'll be totally bloody ineffective. Oh, well, there's... Wow. How will we deal? How will we... How dare you, sir?

How will we cope with an ineffective character played by Joe? That was the most vicious joke of the night. I just want to say it was way more vicious than that thing I said to Grant. That was really vicious, what you said to Grant. That was messed up. We have to talk about it later. House meeting.

All right. What do you guys want to do? Joe, I think you can make this safe. I believe in you. I believe in you. I believe in you. You know what? I like this. This is good.

This is good. DC Joe! DC Joe! When our nation's coming, I've been rolling rocks tonight. I've been rolling rocks in DC. I got this. What's the DC of the save is the question. Oh, that's good. I can't believe that's the first DC the save is the question Oh That's good

I can't believe that's the first DC joke Usually we stoop to such cheap jokes so easily I know You want another political joke? Yeah While you guys think about it Here's another one No he's had something to drink

Hey did you hear about this? Did you hear about this one? So, Republicans are trying to take down Democrats, am I right? And Democrats are trying to take down Republicans. I wish someone would focus on

taking down the deficit. Topical. Good night, DC. Wow. You're a regular Mark Russell. I need to start wearing a suit to these. I need a little bow tie. It's a deficit rag Oh, the deficit rag This joke writes itself

What did you decide during that? We decided to stay For I will surely make the save against the nightmare So you decide to rest In a tent that he gives you Yes, a tent of the doctor's making Yes, I've made you this tent This tent.

Please be careful. And if you hear banging, stay in your tent. Don't come out. You all fall asleep. It's been a while since you've slept outside of the cathedral. Since you've slept at all, it's only been a while since you've slept outside of the cathedral.

Since you've slept at all, it's only been a couple of days, but when you first needed to rest, you were rolling saves against these horrible dreams. It's been a while since you've had to do that, but now you really don't have much choice. You all fall asleep. You find yourselves all walking Through a vast Desert

You look to your left and you look to your right And you see each other Sand dunes stretching endlessly into the horizon Up ahead you see A glistening pool Lying in a valley between three dunes. A small wooden hut stands near the water and an immense tree shades the pool and the hut with large, lumpy fruits hanging near the ground. There's a low hum reverberating throughout this oasis. It's... Slowly you approach the hut.

But as you get closer, your eyes are drawn first to the tree. You hear a beer can't fall. Or perhaps a truly. It was a truly. It was a truly. That's part of the mystery. We'll never know. I imagine, you know,

you're having this shared dream, but, like, you didn't all go to sleep at the same time, so maybe one of you stayed up and Halster is combing through the records. dream, but like, you didn't all go to sleep at the same time, so maybe one of you stayed up, and Halster is combing through the records to look into Dr. Rennelborn.

It was your idea. It's like Nightmare on Elm Street. And so you're looking. Is he German? Is he French? You're looking. Swiss? You see he had descendants of both German and French parents. Nice save. of both German and French parents. Nice save.

Slowly you approach the hut. Alster is there in the dream, even though he's awake in real light. But as you get closer, your eyes are drawn to the tree more so than the hut. Small fruits look to be blooming on the branches, but they're growing at an unnatural rate,

just expanding from seedling to small fruit to even larger growths, just like wah as you walk up to it. But as they get larger and as you get closer, you realize that these aren't fruit at all. What at first looks like moldy, misshapen lumps on the surface of these things starts to look like lips and ears and noses as simultaneously dozens of grotesque heads start growing out of the branches of this tree. Halster continues looking and he finds Ren Elborn.

But it doesn't say doctor. Back in the dream, as each of you see these heads start to form, you start to see your own heads form as well. But the eyes are missing and your mouths hang open, your tongues lolling out. open, your tongues lolling out. Suddenly behind you a sandstorm whips

the world into a frenzy. The sky goes black as the tree's limbs grow large enough to envelop you in the branches. These disconnected heads pressing up against your bodies, flesh on flesh. Halster, you're reading,

and you see that Dr. Ren Elborn is not a doctor. He was sent here recently by his family in a city known as Ardial, secondarily for treatment of his self-abuse and refusal to wed. Wed? But primarily because of the embarrassment

Self-abuse? Self-abuse and refusal to wed. But primarily because of the embarrassments his defiant bachelorhood threatened to bring upon his family. Really was into the banging. Violent self-abuse. Only with the smoothest of locks.

Dr. Ren Elborn is not who he claims to be. But back in the dream, just then, the door of the hot, boom, slams open as the wind whips around, sand everywhere, these faces pressed up against your bodies, pulling

you into the tree, surrounding you, tongues licking against your skin, and a voice from within the hut sounds out like a hundred voices echoing out towards you, and it says WAKE UP! Oh, man. And we'll see you in Boston.

Oh, shit! Oh, yeah! Thank you! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We'll see you next time.