The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 32 – Shit and Giggles

Episode Date: July 14, 2022

Glass Cannon Live! made its long awaited return to Dallas to kick off the 2022 tour and it was a show unlike any since the tour began. They may have been a bread boy down, but a call into Hollywood brought in a healthier and more talented alternative! Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Grant Berger and Matthew Capodicasa as they tour the country playing the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Pathfinder Adventure Path. Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/jaO_RqM5o1U Recap 16:37 Gameplay 21:54 For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com and for exclusive content and benefits, subscribe today at patreon.com/glasscannon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You are listening to the Glass Cannon Network, the premier source for role-playing game entertainment. What is up, Dallas? What is up, Dallas? Look at this place! How about the House of Blues, Dallas? Look at this place! How about the House of Blues, huh? When we were looking for cities to kick off the 2022 tour, I told our booking agent,

I want to go to a city and to a state that takes this pandemic seriously. A state where you can't throw a rock without hitting a doctor or a learned scientist. A state known for their progressive views who understands that it's 2022 and not 1822.

And a state whose football team has won more than three playoff games in the last 25 years. And since 48 other states were booked, we came here! Good old Texas Florida was also available But we do have standards here at the Glass Cannon Network We're not animals

We should probably talk about the elephant That isn't in the room right now You may notice that we're a man down tonight. Or, let's be honest, half a man down. We're half a man down tonight. It's very sad. We're half a man short because Joe O'Brien, the unluckiest man on the face of the entire world, he got the COVID.

Yep. Got a bad case of the O'Brien flu. And correct me if I'm wrong, Matthew, he died. Didn't he die? Yeah. I mean, I didn't want to bring down the show or anything. There's really no easy way to break that.

Yeah, he's dead. He's dead. I thought we were going to save that for the VIP party. Yeah, no, I... Everyone deserves to know that he died. You remember when Kevin went to sleep at home alone and just said, I wish my family didn't exist? Yeah.

I did the same with you. Yeah, well, he's... It worked! You're equally as powerful as Macaulay Culkin, Grant. One can only dream Hopefully he's looking down on us right now Laughing Having a stout

No, no, he's not dead He's just dead to me He is actually fine Yes, he's fine Symptom free He's fine, yeah, he's vaccinated So he's fine That's how vaccines work, in case you're wondering.

He, basically, I politely asked him to drive to Dallas, and we would encase him in a plastic bubble to perform, and he flat-out refused. So, now you know Joe's dedication to this business. Selfish. And this brand. He's a real selfish man. Selfish man.

The most selfish man. Selfish man. The most selfish man. Boo that man. Boo that absent man. He's the came to the pandemic and we're booing him. Now I know what you're thinking. How are we gonna what are we gonna do without his black

hole of luck and micropenis clogging up the stage? Well, yesterday afternoon, I put a call in to Hollywood. Maybe you've heard of it. And I said, Hollywood, Joe Bryant is sick, and I need a replacement. And they said, Joe, who is this? How did you get this number? And I said, you quiet down, Hollywood.

Try to fast talk me with your showbiz mumbo jumbo. I need a replacement and I need it snatched. And so they sent us someone. So give it up for the newest member of the Glass Cannon Network. He's more a man than Joe O'Brien is or ever will be. Give it up for Jared Logan, everybody. Healthy Joe! Healthy Joe!

Healthy Joe! Healthy Joe! Healthy Joe! Thank you. Healthy Joe! Is that my nickname now? Healthy Joe? You're Healthy Joe. Let me tell you what kind of a man Jared Logan is.

We were waiting all week to see if Bread Boy would get a negative test. And it was just positive after positive. It's the only positive thing he's ever done in his life. Were these tests that he kept taking. Never seen him so positive. But I called up Jared yesterday I said I know this sounds crazy But do you want to come out to Dallas

And join us and you were like I'm in that's Jared Logan No problem my pleasure My pleasure rather and I'm pretty nervous because it's big shoes to fill. I know that Joe, in the group, he's known as the hot one. And I just hope I can fill that role. All right.

But one thing that will help is my dice do roll as badly as Joe O'Brien's. Good. That's half the battle. Did you update the drop, Skid? Did you have time to make Jared's going to roll? I did. I did. That's good.

Joe has his own sad drops. What is your experience with Pathfinder? It's, you know, it's extensive. It is confined to a couple of years ago. But I'm ready, man. Look, this, come on, this is easy for me. You guys brought me onto the glass cannon to be a game master. I never thought I would be in the player role.

We called you up. Now you're going to see I'm just a fucking Leroy Jenkins about everything. I'm going to get us all killed. I think that would make you the greatest hero of the Glass Cannon Network. Well, if you've played one or two times, then you probably have the exact same level of knowledge about the game that we do. We're going to have some fun tonight.

Allow me to introduce the rest of the crew who didn't know until yesterday that COVID is the only way to get a day off from my iron-fisted regime. Folks, he's a new dad, and his infant is already taller than him. Give it up for the little guy, Matthew Capitacolo!

Fun fact, we went to the pediatrician, and they measured the baby, and they're like, wow, tall baby. And I turned to Caitlin, and I was like, what? You just broke out in flop sweat? Yeah. I was like, what's going on? Meanwhile, a tall mailman says, would you sign for this package, Mr. Capitacazzo?

With your daughter's eyes. The doctor's like, well, she's in the 80th percentile for height and the 90th for hairiness? It turns out this baby is black. It's weird for the... Okay, so there's a line. Okay. Well, doctor, that's a weird thing to bring up with the two-week checkup, but I'm glad I know.

Did you get some sleep this weekend? I feel so guilty. I had a full night of sleep last night. Dude, can I tell you? This is why I started the tour. Because I get one weekend a month that I can just sleep. Don't tell my wife.

Don't tell my wife. I felt so guilty. I realized like the day before, this is how stupid and sleep deprived I was. I was like, you know, when I'm in Dallas, I think I'll actually get to sleep through the night. And she was like, go fuck yourself. was like, go fuck yourself.

Folks, next up is a man who truly personifies Texas. Because he's big. He's mostly stupid. And he needs his own power grid to shave his massive back and gargantuan genitalia. Give it up for Grant Berger. Yay! Tell his baby! I love this fucking town, baby. Woo!

There's Big D and there's Big D-suppointment. That's what my dad says. I've stayed with my dad for the first time in 20 years since my parents got divorced because my mom has COVID. And I visited her like an orangutan in the Dallas Zoo through the glass of her window. Touched my hand out. But same with my dad's been good.

I got to recreate a little photo with him. You can see a little bit of a... The grim future of aging is that we all die, and he's almost there. Grant, that peacoat is fantastic. I wish I still had it. Yeah, where'd you get it? I want one. I didn't know that your dad played pro hockey in the 80s.

That's cool. He looks like Brian Trottier. He looks exactly like Brian Trottier. Are you happy to be home otherwise, though? I am thrilled to be home. It's been fun driving around Dallas. I got to run down the Katy Trail and go to American Airlines

Arena, and it's just been lovely to be back. It's great to see everyone in this audience right now because all of my friends and family cannot be here, but I have new friends and family right here. Thank you for being here. Big D. Folks, he is the greatest role player in the world.

And soon we will have to remind him of that when we visit him at the home. Skidmar, everybody. Skid. Skid. You used to be the greatest role player in the world. Get out of here, you crazy kids. How are you, buddy?

We had a fun date last night. We tore it up. Yeah, we had a good time. We hung out with, we had dinner. We hung out with Del, who's also here. Del's here. And by the way, Del, I got a text from my sister saying, and I saw it, oh, Del's here too.

She's like, oh, she said, say hello to the greatest person who ever lived. Aww. Hello from Singh. Hello, I'm here. And lastly, the biggest piece of shit I know, joining us via satellite, give it up for Jovid O'Brien-a-cron.

Where is he? Hey, Jo! Oh, Joio! Oh! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Jo! Joe, can you hear us? Joe? Joe, can you hear me? Hello, I can hear you. You look good. Have you lost some weight?

Oh, no cold symptoms, but it killed my appetite, which is great. How are you, buddy? We miss you, dude. I miss you guys. I'm listening to this whole open, and I'm like, I want to be on that stage making fun of Grant, too. Yeah, we tried. We tried until the 11th hour to get you out here, but it just, you're sick.

You're very sick. I am. I'm very sick, and I'm sad that I can't be there. We actually tried in tech rehearsals to make it work for me to do the whole show remote and play the game remote, but it's just not going to work. It's not going to be smooth. So I'm so sorry, but man, oh man, could you not have a better guest replacement than Jared Logan? Thank you, Joe. It's so exciting. I want, I just want to take a second to give you, Joe. It's so exciting. I just want to take a second to give you, those of you that may not know him, because he is the understudy. We'll see how it goes tonight.

A little insight into who this man is. I sent him an email today when I found out that he flew into Dallas today to do this, and I said, I just wanted to say a huge thank you for dropping everything to fly to Dallas today. I'm devastated that I can't be there, but I'm happy that the fans are going to see the best Glass Cannon live yet, because you are a player.

And it's true. And it's true. And he responded to me, and I want you to know the kind of person that's joining the listen, I'm taking your job. You're out. I'm in. The sooner you come to terms with this, the easier it will be for all of us. Don't make this more awkward than it already is. Thank you. Well buddy

It won't be the same Without you It'll be much better But That's what I'm afraid of But no I want you guys To have the greatest time ever

I'm sorry I'm not there I miss all of you I love you Nash I'll see you again I'll be back Love you Joe Bye Joe all of you. I love you, Nesh. I'll see you again. I'll be back. Love you, Joe. Bye, Joe. Sometimes when we touch...

Oh, finally he's gone. Now we can relax. Sometimes when we touch... Oh, man. I said right before we went on stage when I was dry heaving into a speaker. True story. That it feels like it's been a year since we did the Philly show,

and it's only been a month. But this has got that new year of the tour energy tonight, and I couldn't be more happy that we're here in Dallas for a sold-out crowd! Woo! So I hope you brought your A-game because we brought ours. Grant, let's take it to the recap!

That's the first animal we've involved in the recap. The bird. We need more animals in the recap. This will be good, Jared, because you have no idea what's going on. Yeah. What's this about? Why is there a hedgehog on the poster? That's a long story that I don't even know the answer to.

If you've never been to one of these shows or you listen to all of them, here's the nuts and bolts of what's going on. Thank God. I promise this will take under 45 minutes. Our adventure began years ago in LA, 2018. It began in a shared nightmare with four people being pursued and murdered on the streets of an alien city by an interdimensional serial killer named the Tatterman. They awoke from this nightmare to find themselves in the dungeon of an insane asylum with no memory of their former lives.

The asylum was taken over by the inmates who were under the influence of a patient named Oliver Zandalus, who himself had become a conduit for the Tatterman. Are you with me so far? Significant others of the fans who bought tickets. That's book one. In their attempt to free the asylum from the Tatterman's Dreamland influence, they defeat him. And in so doing, uncover these documents revealing that they used to be hired thugs for a man named Count Hazerton Lowles IV. And he wiped their memories somehow before having them committed in the asylum. So after they clear out the asylum,

they head to the mainland in search of this count, who is the leader of the nearby county. The problem is, count left town, abandoned his post in the city of Thrushmore that he left behind is a mess. People are being kidnapped by cultists of Hester. You know Hastur, big Cthulhu guy. They're being kidnapped by these cultists and then murdered so that their blood may power gateways to another dimension where Hastur, the king in yellow, resides. All signs point to the Count's assistant,

a woman named Melisen, that she's behind all of this shit. She's the driving force around these cult activities in the Count's absence. So our heroes finally head to the Count's home at Iris Hill to confront this Mellie Sen and find out everything they can as to the Count's whereabouts. They cleared all the outbuildings which contained various enemies from perverted hashter cultists to tribal cannibal warriors. But two sessions ago, their rat folk wizard, poorly played by Joe O'Brien, opened up a trapped ledger, setting off this black, excuse me, sepia snake sigil trap that froze Atticus in amber. The rest of the party, Aldo, Halster, and Sir Julie realized he would

be trapped in amber for at least a week. But since they've already infiltrated Iris Hill, they just threw a blanket over him and pressed on. Could have been a lot worse, okay? Can't deal with this right now. So as they got outside at the beginning of last session, they ran into two halflings climbing over the hedge wall who at first claimed to be relations of the count here in service to Lady Marmalade

from Buttonwood Estates. Bumblebee Luna and a mute named Little P. They joined the party to explore, but when a fight broke out, Little P ran off, screaming into the hedge. He was no mute, and his name was, Little P ran off, screaming into the hedge. He was no mute, and his name was not Little P at all.

It was Big P. And the truth is, the halflings are thieves here to rob Iris Hill in the Count's absence. Spoilers. Naturally, the party accepted them with open arms. Because they know that strength in numbers is going to help them in the battles that may come. And at the end of last session, our five heroes finally entered the main house

where they were immediately attacked by several invisible enemies whispering words of Carcosa and the King in Yellow. That's what we pick up right now. As this happens, just like before we had a podcast and someone didn't show up for a session,

Bungleby passes out and shits himself. Just falls to the floor and just starts vomiting shit out of his ass. This is my accomplice? This is your buddy. Oh, I grab him and I'm like, what's wrong with you? Get up, are you okay?

And then I smell what happened and I'm like, okay, I don't need that. And Bungleby falls into a pool of his own excrement. Jared will be playing Big B. Big B! Make him say, ah! Ah, na-na-na-na. Dallas, it's Glass Cannon Live 2022.

Let's roll for initiative. Go! Alice, it's Glass Cannon Live 2022. Let's roll for initiative. Oh! Roll, roll, roll with the roll, roll, roll for initiative. Oh, it's got that first initiative of the year smell. Mmm. This is going to be interesting.

Invisible enemies, never good. Never good with their surprise round. What did you get, Big P? Keeping in with the Joe O'Brien dice luck, I rolled a four for a total. Luckily, Big P is a fast-moving guy, so it's 11 altogether. 11 total.

Bunkle B is full of poop. Halster. Rolled a 17 for a 20, Troy Not too shabby Aldo Casimir Aldo Casimir got a robust 21 For initiative Sir Julie Andrews, we know you're a paragon of good

That's true But how was your initiative? I rolled a natural 19 Also for a 20 Also for a 20. But how was your initiative? I rolled a natural 19. Ooh! Also for a 20. Also for a 20. Who's got the higher initiative? I have 21.

I believe, I'm no math magician, but I, I believe 21 is higher than 20. It is. Halster and Sir Julie both rolled a 20.

Who's got the higher bone? I have the higher bone. How do you know? My bone. Very high. All right. Sorry higher bone? I have the higher bone. How do you know? My bone. Very high. Alright. Sorry I asked. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I asked.

I wish I didn't know that. Well, this is actually going to be pretty scary, because they're going to get to act in a surprise round. And then we go into normal initiative. And I'll tell you right now, there's not one, not two,

but three enemies. You've faced them before. They are cultists of Hastur. Oh, God. Debonair-dressed, goatee-wearing men. Even when Joe's not at the show,

we can't escape these fucking Irish. Nope. Capital Casa. I kid, I kid. Matthew, known racist. His true colors come out after a couple of club shows. That lime's hitting me hard tonight.

I told you, that's too much lime. Look at these handsome motherfuckers. Wow. Dashing. That's the same art for the guy that was leading the Kuru in the entryway. That's right. This was the guy that was like, no entry. We're busy.

We're closed for the summer. There's three of them, and they were whispering these payans to Hastur, talking about Carcosa. They come out from invisibility to attack. That means sneak attack damage. That means against your flat-footed AC. Let's see if they hit. First one is going to go after Aldo Casimir.

Oh. You know what? Let's just get Neon Green out. I want to do thisimir. Oh. You know what? Let's just get Neon Green out. I want to do this right. Oh. This dice. Yeah. Doesn't fuck around.

Except when it does. It's a die. It's a die. This is one. Die. All right. You're going to die. Die.

Fucking math magician. Natural three against Aldo. Yeah! Let me ask you this, you math magician. Are you, is your touch AC higher than, are you flat-footed higher than a nine? It is. All right. You win this round.

The next one goes to stab at Sir Julie Andrews. Flat-footed AC, Sir Julie. 90-17. Okay. For a total of? Total of a 23. Sir Julie's flat footed AC is pretty much her AC. Well,

no one likes a braggart. That's going to be five points irregular and eight points of sneak attack damage. She's dead. Because of this... That took her down. And that was the one that was sitting near Bungleby. It stabbed diagonally,

and the other one will just slide across the table, five-foot John, and stab down at Halster. Can you do a five foot John in a surprise round? Sure. Natural three again. You're flat footed

higher than a nine? It is. I'm going to tell you this now because you keep on attacking Sir Julie and Halster in these surprise rounds. Flat footed AC for people wearing heavy armor doesn't really differ very much from their regular AC. So if you want to...

Anyway, moving on. I wasn't listening. I was looking for a poop thing to put on Munger. That's a huge... Oh, it's got texture. Next time don't get COVID. It's volcanic. How did it get on top of him? That'll teach you to get sick, Joe.

I've been learning about blowouts, so it's possible Bungleby has been wearing a diaper this whole time. You hate to see it. You really hate to see it. Sorry, children in the audience. Round one. One of the cultists goes, and it is cultist number three, which is the one near.

Actually, two of them are named two. So it is the one near. Actually, two of them are named two. So it is the one near. Random draw. Halster. Halster, this is gonna be still against your flat-footed AC. That is a pretty good roll with a natty 18, so that's gonna be a 24 against FF.

Bad hits. Oh boy. Bring the pain. Three regular, six sneak attack damage. I don't know how I'll survive. This is gonna be rough. Aldo Casimir. Oh, shoot. Okay.

Aldo is going to take a five foot step back, back away from the guy that's attacking him right now. And he's going to whisper to the goiter on his neck. He's just like, he's all right, isn't he? I think we've got this in the bag.

And he's going to throw a bomb. The one adjacent to Houser. Ah, okay, throwing it at this guy standing on the table. Okay. All right. Natural 20. Five! I never get any fun.

Roll to confirm. That's 17 on the confirm. Woo! Prip, prip, prip. Pringle, pringle, pringle, pringle. That is the first confirmed crit of 2022. Joe, can you read?

Oh. Oh, no. Hold on. Hold on. I think I got him. Let me just see. Elfie Joe. Joe, do you have the confirmed crit? Luckily, Joe has sent me the spreadsheet, Joe. Oh, many caps. Question for you, though. Ranged crit.

Is it ranged or is it magic? Ranged. Magic. You don't want magic. It's magic. What do you want, Dallas? I'm here in range. They want awe.

Give them Well Can I make a case for magic I have a very convincing case I'll allow it I just happened to look down at the spreadsheet and saw A magic grit from someone right here in Dallas, Texas Oh Alright

If they're in the room I'll allow it Is Jerry from Dallas here Just lie All right. If they're in the room, I'll allow it. Is Jerry from Dallas here? Just lie. Looks like there's a lot of Jerrys out there, Troy. That's the most Jerrys that have ever gathered in one room. You know what?

Fuck Jerry. Fuck Jerry. I'll allow it. You guys remember the fire island? All right. This one comes from Jerry in Dallas. It's called Do Not Pasco, Do Not Collect $200. Your attack hits the very core of its target,

causing a temporary split between body and soul and effectively jailing the target within itself. The target is stunned for one D4 round. Nice. A successful will save negates the effect. Okay. I'll roll that will save. This is against your AC. Fail.

Yes. 13, yeah. One D4. Who wants to roll it? Skid, you earned it. Give me a D4 roll. I will roll. Come on, one.

Come on, you earned it. Give me a D4 roll. I will roll. Come on, one. Come on, one. Three. All right, so he's stunned for three rounds. That's fun. It's not brilliant. It sucks. All right. Stunned.

Oh, cool. He drops everything held, can't take actions, and then takes a minus two penalty to AC and loses his dex bonus to AC. There's also the damage. Right. Is it double damage or is it... Yeah, what does it say? It says nothing, so it must be regular.

I'm guessing, right? So that's 19 points of damage to the target, and each of the other two, pending a reflex save, will take nine points of damage. Oh, boy. Okay, reflex save for the guy that's nearest you. Made it with a 26, and the other dude, that's going to be close, 16.

That is a result. It is. That it is. It is a result. I'm going to say that's a pass, because I'm not sure. Okay. So four

points of damage? They say four points of damage. Okay. Half damage, and because you have that cool ability, you're able to exclude your say four points of damage. Okay, half damage. And because you have that cool ability, you're able to exclude your friends in the splash damage. Yes, the explosive fire shapes its way expertly and miraculously around each of my companions, including the new one. Big P, my name's Big P.

Right. I was thinking about this the other day, Skid. I was like, how, because I know we've been trying to justify this in-world. And I was like, maybe he's just so expert that he has a bunch of different bombs that have been expertly shaped to explode in certain directions, certain configurations. Actually, someone wrote in and said pretty much that exact thing. And I was just like, yeah, that sounds good. So expert that you have every possible permutation.

That's how intelligent that he is. You see? He's got this headband of intellect plus two. For those of you listening at home, I've just put on a Jim McMahon style sweatband that says smart plus two.

Representing my increased intellect. You're a national treasure still. Calm down. It's 835. A lot of show to go. It is Halster's turn. Halster, you see this bomb come flying in,

and you're able to turn away from this shit smell to see this guy get lit up, and he's just stunned. It's time to try to ring his bell one more time. Let's go for a critical attack out of the box. Let's roll again. That is going to be a 16 to hit. With his garbage AC,

that is a hit. Yeah! 17 points of damage. Max damage. Question I have to ask. What is your alignment? Good? Is alignment Damage. Question I have to ask. What is your alignment? Good. Is alignment important in role-playing games? Chaotic neutral.

Chaotic neutral. That is a hit. Yes! And he is no longer stunned. He is just dead. Yeah! He is just dead. Yeah!

And Halster will five foot step diagonally to be in front of Aldo to hopefully encourage the attackers to come at him. Cut to a scene somewhere in Threshmore, a small tenement, four story walk up. We close in on a woman saying, when is Steve coming home from work? He went out to Iris Hill this morning, and he said he'd be back.

I thought he'd be back by now. Well, I'm sure he'll be back with all that money to feed our four children. Don't be ridiculous. He already gave all of their that money to feed our four children. Don't be ridiculous. He already gave all of their money over to the cult. It's how it works, Troy. You know better than anyone. It's a collective.

They all share in the profits of the cult. But now that those children are fatherless, I hope you feel good about yourself. Sir Julie. Sir Julie didn't see that cutscene and is going to, even though she is a paragon of goodness, is going to level her gaze at the cultist

to the northeast and say, now I can see you and take a big old swing at the great sword. Okay. Let's choose a die. Oh, power attack. Furious focus. Power attack. Furious focus. Power attack.

Furious focus. That is a 16 to hit. Ooh. That's a real shitty roll. It was a natural five. What's your alignment? I am good. I'm a paragon of goodness.

I know you're good, but what kind of good? Chaotic? Lawful? Lawful. I'm a paladin. Oh, you're lawful. That's a miss. What now?

Look at that smug shit-eating. All right. Protection from law! Second attack. Oh, you have two? Yeah. Fuck. Natural four.

Damn! Sir Julie, overwhelmed by the stench of bungalow, misses wildly. Never in all my years in the world, Moon, have I smelled such horrors. And this guy laughs at you. Ha-ha! Looks down at dead Steve

and then stabs at you with a real crappy roll. 13? Get out of here. Come on! And he only gets that one attack. Oh, but the other guy gets to go. He will five foot step, cornering Aldo.

Right next to Aldo and Halster, but he's coming after Aldo. Why? Because he saw what he did to Steve. Oh, well, fair enough. I didn't know him! I didn't know he had children, I swear! Best friend, help! Say hello to Steve in hell. Natural

four! Yeah! Oh, yes! Is that neon green? It's neon green! I'm putting it in a cage. I'm switching back to crystal blue. This is the one that chained 820s during that Androids and Aliens

episode. Oh, that was vicious. It is weighted. And making his 2020 debut and his first debut on Glass Cannon Live. Big P! Big P! So Big P turns to run away, and then, but then Big P, can I do flashbacks too?

Yes. Big P remembers Bungle B teaching him how to pick locks and going, it's okay, keep trying, you can do it. And he's like, oh, Bungle B's back in that room. I can't just leave him, even if he is covered in his own feces. just leave him, even if he is covered in his own feces. So I would like for Big P to come into the room and in the most cravenly way possible, crawl under the table.

Okay. And crawl to where he's under the enemy on the far end of the table here. Yeah, and attack from like, like from under the table. I love it. There's little slats that you can stab through. He just starts like dancing.

So Big P slides under this table. He's a halfling. That's just like walking. He walks full height under the table. I'm pretty sure he's two foot eleven. He's able to do this under the table. I'm pretty sure he's 2'11". He's able to do this under the table. But when he gets to the other side, he's, stop, stop, stop.

Roll the hit. Here we go. Is that a sneak attack? Yes. Yes. Yes. I don't know, because he can't see you under the table. You know what?

Give me a stealth roll. Let's have some fun here. Let's see if he sees you. All right. All right. If you're going to be that way, here we go. All right. So my stealth roll was not good.

Well, actually, it was pretty good. It was a 22. That beats my 16 perception. All right. Then die a thousand deaths! Here we go. I rolled a two on my attack. It's against flat-footed.

It's against flat-footed, so I have a plus 11. So I'm rolling a 13 versus your AC. Do you have a 13 flat-footed AC? He does not. That is a miss. So I'm ineffectually stabbing at air. Healthy Joe!

But, uh, Healthy Joe! It's okay. It clearly didn't have enough momentum to become a chant, but I appreciate it. Oh, just like unhealthy Joe. A round has passed. And not unlike bloodstains,

the shit stain starts to grow. Oh! Oh, it's coming under the table! He's pooping again! He's still doing it! He's still doing it! What's happening? Sorry, I'll blow it up again. There it is.

No! It's like someone was suspended ten feet above the ground and dropped it straight in the middle. Like an egg drop soup. It looks like the blessed island of Numenor. But made out of poop.

I'll put it on the map layer as it's more appropriate. End of round one. It is now round two. The cultist who I named three is dead. Thanks. So it goes to Aldo. Aldo.

Aldo, you're back up Top of round two You've killed one guy Left his family Without a head of house Who would you like to murder now? I'm sort of pinned in the corner here A little bit He is just going to

Again He's going to assuage the fears of his goiter. He whispers to his own neck. He's just like, he's all right, winner. I've got a way out of this. And he pulls out his sickle and just, ah. Okay. Oh, net E19.

Is that a critical threat for a sickle? That is not. Good. That is not a sickle? That is not Good Thank God Thank for the rest Okay, so What is your bonus to hit with that sickle? Bonus to hit with a sickle

is a 23 total to hit Let me ask you this What is your alignment? My alignment, sure It's rather a personal question, but I'll answer you. I mean, it's, I don't know what a man's personal sort of philosophy is about life and politics and inter-human relationships have to do with anything, but I will inform you proudly that I am, in fact fact true neutral, sir.

Ooh. Then that's a hit. Yeah. Let me ask you this. Are you a libertarian? No. It's like, well, it doesn't hit then. That is... I don't understand the mechanic. They're so repulsed.

By your political theory. I lost a friend. I lost a friend of mine. You were there, actually, Grant. He was a libertarian, and I said, isn't libertarianism like astrology for white guys? And he never forgave me. He never forgave me.

I got in a big shouting match with him the first time I met him, right? Yeah, you. Yeah. He was like, yeah, of course you should pay the fire department before they hose down your house. It's on fire. Yeah, that makes sense. Anyway, sorry. Sorry for the digression.

That's six points of damage. You sound like a typical Sagittarius kid. Six points of damage from your sickle. That guy is totally fine. That didn't really hurt him. It is Halster's turn. Halster, one man is dead. Halster looks over jealously at Werner the Hedgehog

and just sees his best friend making a new best friend from his own goiter. Oh. And in a fit of jealous passion, he lashes out at the man attacking his friend. That is going to be a 19 to hit. That is a miss Wow

Oh wow Halster you're ice cold In your hometown Yeah I'm gonna move into flanking On top There we go Shit Okay for next round we'll be ready for flanking

Okay little five foot diagonal step there To get into flanking with your good buddy Aldo Yep It's now Sir Julie's turn. Sir Julie, also ice cold. Let's try this again. Power attack. Furious focus. First attack.

21 to hit. And you're chaotic? I'm lawful. That's a miss. What is going on? So glad I cast Protection from Law. Yeah. Second attack.

I'm going to take Power Attack off. Can I do that? No, I can't. No. I heard a couple people say no, and they said it in a way that made you sound stupid for asking. Did you hear that? It's as if Joe were here with us in spirit.

Right. Natural one. Oh, no. It's as if Joe were here with us in spirit. Natural one. Oh, no. All right. This is almost certainly going to be a confirmed fumble. Per the house rule, you do get to confirm that fumboni. The monster, the rumble, the dice, they will tumble. Femme fumble.

That is a confirmed fumble. Yeah. What do you think? Magic fumble? Confirm Fumble! That is a Confirm Fumble. Yeah! What do you think? Magic Fumble? That's only fair. Don't you pick one that sounds good. All right. Melee Fumble.

Yeah. Can you get some Dallas, folks? I'm looking, Grant. The Metroplex works. Let's do four words. Let's go all the way to Abilene. You know what? Let's go to Corsicana. Let's go to Athens. Let's go anywhere within their

area. Howard Dean. They're going to Arlington. Irving, wake up. Midlothian. Okay. I've got something.

What do you got? Joshua H. It's an older Fambosa. Joshua H. I was about to clear it. From White River Junction, Vermont. Josh! You didn't make the trip?

Fuck you, Josh. Oh, he's here. He's here. No, you're not. That's weird. Josh is normally a male name, but that's odd. It is appropriate because the name of it is Senior Moment. Oh, okay.

You bump your head slightly and take 1d6 damage. Whoa. For the next 1d3 rounds, every time you would roll a d20, roll twice and take the worst result. Oh, no. Joshua, fortitude negates, but you still take the damage. All right, the damage is four points of damage.

Give me that fortitude. It's going to be against his AC, which I'm also going to boost from protection from law. Oh, that's bullshit. I know, I know. That is a 20. Still would have been a fail without my very fair ruling. Okay, so then 1d3 rounds.

1d3 rounds? All right, so let's see. That's going to be two rounds. Great. Two rounds, you have a... What is it called? A senior moment. Not in the other game.

What is it called in arc and pathfinder? A senior moment. Disadvantage. That's ageism. That's ageism. Thank you. Misfortune. Somebody did their homework.

Misfortune. All right. So, Julie, you suck. It is cultist number two's turn. I'm going to take a five-foot step back. I'm trying to find him. He's, Big B is, like, under him. All right. So, he is going to, oh, you took a five foot step back I'm trying to find him, Big P is like under him Alright, so he is going to Oh, you took a five foot step

Alright, so that guy, let me just move Big P here, move him here He's going to five foot step and chase you Because he knows he has you right where he wants you He's going to stab down at you Smiling Ooh, that's going to be close That's going to be an 18 That's gonna be an 18.

That's close? I don't know. Get out of here! What are you, from Vermont or something? Stupid like that? That's rude. The guy surrounded by Halster and Aldo takes a five-foot step to get away from this flanking,

looks down at Steve, tries to hold back tears and stabs at either Halster or Aldo. One, two, three, Halster. Four, five, six, Aldo. That's a five. So he's coming after Aldo with his rapier. Okay, that's going to be an 18 to hit. Oh, that is a

may smite. Garbage. These guys are garbage. It is Big P's turn. Speaking of garbage, okay. I am going to just, I'm going to, he's going to, he's frustrated. He's going to

get out from under the table and try to get this enemy to notice that I'm trying to kill him. And so now, wait, I'm moving to flanking with Sir Julie so that we're on either side and attacking for a sneak attack. Okay, smart.

All right, you have to pay attention to me now! Mother of a god! You have to pay attention to me now! Motherfucker! Now you do get a plus two for flanking. Okay, so that's a 16 then. You really do roll like Joe. In my mind, this guy... Healthy Joe!

Healthy Joe! Healthy Joe! Healthy Joe! Thank you, thank you. That had more oomph. In my mind, the cultist hasn't even noticed Big P yet. Big P's like, ah, wah, ah! And the cultist is just going about his day.

I have not drawn the attention of the cultist at all. Unfortunately, another round passes. And the stain grows. Ah! Oh! We've got to get out of this encounter. It's now running across the feet I have to point out it does appear to be

very frothy there's some foam yeah it's like a frappuccino it's a crappuccino yeah we're having a good time round three cultist three's turn he's the one that's dead I'm taking him out of the Grappuccino, yeah. Grappuccino. We're having a good time. Round three. Cultist three's turn. No, he's the one that's dead.

I'm taking him out of the combat, so it goes right back to Aldo. Aldo, you were surrounding this guy, but he deftly stepped out of the way, so you're no longer flanking. What do you do? Aldo is going to match his deftness with his own deft step, five foot-wise, to get adjacent to him in a different way. And he's just like, he's all right. Werner, calm down.

Is Werner showing signs of fear? He's like turning over in the tumor. So you can see, it's like a... Can you catch Jared up on Werner? Oh, okay, yeah. So Werner is a hedgehog that grew out of a tumor on my neck. Oh, that explains the image of the hedgehog. Yes, yes, there you go.

Yeah, small tumor. So it's like a nine-month pregnant woman, and you can see it's like, oh, look, the baby's playing or whatever. Whatever, I don't know. Better run a lot of pregnant women. They shed their quills at birth most babies.

They have the quills when they're born and then they lose them and they grow in. They're like real quills. Right. Just swing with your sickle. Alright. That is a natural three. That is a miss. Wow. Wow, yeah.

You're a bomb specialist, but you don't want to throw, because that would provoke an attack of opportunity, so you're reduced to using your sickle. It's not your main jam. No. I also only have so many M&Ms left in this bandolier. Right. Halster, you are up.

You're at the foot of a staircase leading up. You're jumping and dodging with these guys. What do you do? Halster has no choice but to get adjacent to the person he's attacking with Aldo to get that sweet flanking bone because that's the only chance he has to hit. Here it comes. That is a 25 to hit.

That'll do. Yeah! We hit them! That is going to be 14 points of damage. 14 points of damage so you get in there. What kind of weapon are you using? A short sword? I'm using Red Destiny, the short sword Just slide it right in this guy's side Blood squirts out

He's in rough shape Sir Julie Having a senior moment over there What do you do? I'm going to roll twice and take the worst result That could be another natural one It could be Power attack, furious

focus, first attack. Natural five. Second attack. Coward! No, 14. Wow! Well, that one I rolled the critical threat on the better result.

You're terrible. You're terrible at this game of chance. That actually, I'm flanking, so there's a plus two to that. I'm assuming, what did I say, 14? Never mind.

Please stop wasting everyone's time. It is the cultist's turn. Oh, I'm going to lay on hands. I don't care. I can't get a good flank, John. Oh, you know what I'll do, actually?

It was going to be this guy's turn here is to the south of Halster. He's going to hold his action because his buddy is going to flank Halster with a five-foot John, and then he's going to attack, and then his buddy's going to attack.ster with a five-foot John. And then he's going to attack. And then his buddy's going to attack. They're both going to be flanking.

I'm taking you out, buddy. Sorry. Don't blame me. Blame Steve. I want to live, though. Here we go. First attack. Natural fucking four.

Yeah! The guy to the south. 16. and four. Yeah! The guy to the south. 16? No. Come on! Oh, yes. You're gonna live forever just like Jerry Jones in a jar suspended in liquid formaldehyde for all of eternity

as he ensures the Cowboys will never win another Super Bowl. I don't like it either. It's the worst rolling in the history of the show. Yeah, this is pretty bad. But maybe this is Big P's moment to shine. Big P, you're up. What? It's me? Okay.

So now Big P's getting angry. Before he was craving, but now he's angry that he can't even get this guy to pay attention to him. So he's like, hey! Hey! I exist! I'm real! I'm not invisible!

And he stabs for sneak attack damage. And that time, he rolls a 26. Oh! Yeah! That is a hit. Big P! Big P! Big P! Big P! Big P! Big P! That's

17. 17 damage. 17 points of damage? So Big P finally is able to land a hit and is no longer unseen because as this guy takes a short sword to the back, he turns and looks down at Big P, thereby taking away his sneak attack damage.

And that's when Big P shits his pants. Make the stain bigger, Troy. You got it. Oh, my God. What a situation. What a situation. And the seasons, they go round and round. Wow.

Prancing ponies go up and down It's a circle game It's a circle They're all shitting If I still play this in my 60s I will still make these jokes They will always be funny Grant will be dead

Come on, man. Why Grant? I just picked you. Next round. It's Aldo's turn. There's shit everywhere. What do you do? Aldo, knee deep in poop.

I think it says, uh, finally, I'm free, I think. I'm not, you know. So he's going to throw one of his most special bombs at the guy behind Halster. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Oh, no. Oh, that's a 10 against touch, AC. That's a miss. Okay.

So correct me if I'm wrong. That bomb goes in a random square around that dude? Yep. All right. One, two, three will bounce. Actually, one would be on the stairs, and we'll go around from there. Two, three, four would bounce off the walls. Four, five, six would hit Halster.

Seven would hit Big P. What are you doing, man? Oh, well, I rolled a seven. I miscounted, but I did say seven would hit Big P. So unfortunately, that hits Big P. You have Big P's blood on your hands. Whoever caught those M&Ms. How many points of damage is that to Big P? That's 16

points of damage. Oh! Brutal! I shit my pants and then another bomb goes off. And I think everyone else except me is in the radius of that. Oh my god! Everyone but me has to take a reflex save.

Okay, so when a bomb misses, you can't use your thing that allows it to not hit your friends. Alright, my guy rolled a 22. Alright, that's a pass. So you take four points of damage. I'm still having a senior moment and had to roll twice and take the worst result. Right.

So I rolled a nine on my reflex save. Yeah, you also failed. You failed. You take nine points of damage. Wow. Ow. Halster? Halster rolled a 20.

Okay. You're good. You take four points of damage based on frames. And Big P doesn't have to roll against the splash, right? Right. Where he was directly hit. Right. It's splashing off of me. Right. Oh, actually, but this other guy to the south,

he'll roll a save and failed. So he'll take nine points of damage. Okay, so he's in bad shape. They're actually both in really bad shape. But it's hard to tell. Because there is shit everywhere. Yeah but it's hard to tell because there is shit everywhere. Yeah, it's got to smell terrible, especially all the fire and the burning and everything.

It's got to be really bad. It is Halster's turn. Halster, can you finish one of these guys off? Yeah, Halster is initially very turned off by all the poo, but then is very aroused by the performance of Big P. Come to my aid! Houser's gonna come to Big P.

Do you mind if I slide into something more comfortable as I strike out at the guy on the table? That's a 19 on the die. That's a 19 on the die. That's a critical threat! Yes! Critical threat, critical threat, critical, critical threat. Two confirmed.

Come on, baby, come on, baby, come on, baby. That is a 16 on the die for a 24. That is a confirmed crit. Yes! Yes! Okay, I've got one ready. Melee crypt? Me confirmed crit. Yes! Yes! Okay, I've got one ready. Melee Crit? Melee Crit.

This one comes in from Michael in Saginaw, Texas. Oh! Any Michaels in the audience? There's a Michael on the staff. They're all Jerrys, Troy. Yeah, there's like nine Jerrys, but no Michaels? This one is called Greatest Possible Crit. Oh!

I like the sound of that. That's promising. The moment before your blow lands, you are struck with a thought. If the greatest possible being exists in all possible worlds, then he necessarily exists in this world. Pause while I scroll over. If you are evil aligned,

you deal normal damage. If you are evil aligned You deal normal damage If you are neutral aligned You deal double damage If you are good aligned you deal triple damage And remove the shaken frightened condition As you are filled with hope and joy Thanks for the novel Mike Double damage So on a times two weapon

With double damage Regular double damage Here it comes 28 points of damage Oh wow Which guy was this? The guy on the table I'm coming to Big P's aid Because I'm turned off by Little Big P

Describe your kill. Yeah! Covered in poo, Halster's sword hits its target with incredible accuracy and lubricant. And he dies of sepsis right there on the table. Sir Julie, you've had a rough go of it. It's not been great for Sir Julie. But this could be your time to

shine. I've gotten new D20s. Okay. I still have to roll two. That'll be the difference maker. I'm going to keep power tech on. I'm furious focused. Alright. I'm sorry, everyone. I'm having a senior moment. It happens to the best of us. First attack.

Okay. I rolled a senior moment. It happens to the best of us. First attack. Okay. I rolled a natural 20. And a natural 18. Oh! Dammit! That is a hit. That's a 31, just to be clear. That is a giant hit.

That is 24 points of damage. Sir Julie, describe your kill. Yes! Oh! Sir Julie draws her greatsword from the mound of poo like it's a sword in the stone, raises it high above her head, and then brings it down in one crushing blow

and cleaves him in twain. Yes! Oh! Cleaves in twain, and you are out of combat Now this was your first entrance into the main building of iris hill just to kind of refresh you on the uh flavor text of this, John. When you walked in, the room smelled of smoke from the fireplace. Shut up and let me read this text.

Doesn't smell of smoke anymore. Not the most prominent odor now. Smoke and something else. You can't put your finger on it, because then your finger would be dirty. Smells of smoke and shit. And a few dirty dishes, an emptied wine bottle and used cutlery

testify to a recent meal consumed at this table. The first thing that you see, you're impressed upon, is the wealth of the Lyle's family. Everything looks very rich. Even though it might be a couple decades out of fashion. It's not with the style of the times.

So like plastic on all the furniture? Flower patterns. Ribbon candy. I didn't know we were visiting my family's house. There's a staircase leading up. There's a cupboard.

There's also a door leading deeper on this floor. And there are three dead cultists covered in shit. And of course, also, Bungleby had a heart attack. And of course, also, Bungleby had a heart attack. We search Bungleby's body. Okay, I have his character sheet here. What cool stuff did you get? You get two plus one daggers. A plus one mithril chain shirt.

Don't write this down. Yeah, he's got some good stuff on him, but Big P, you see them searching the body of your friend. Hey! What do you think you're doing? That's my friend. He died helping you. His stuff should go to me only. He's right. That is the only

just thing. And I start taking it off of his body, and I'm being very thorough, like the bandit that I am. And then I'm kind of, so I get all that stuff? Sure. Wow, cool. All right. What is it again? I'll email you. Email me. He's got some good stuff.

And then I think I would like to look in the cupboard. I think what I do is I'm standing in waist-deep feces and I go, I don't know about you guys, but I'm hungry. And then I go to the cabinet. You go to the cupboard, and there's, like, fine china. Again, a little outdated, but nice.

Clearly the Laos, for generations, they have generational wealth. You look through there, and there's nothing really jumping out at you. Any of you that can detect magic don't detect any magic however big p you do find uh a a drawer near the bottom of the cupboard uh has a ledger oh kind of jumps at home what is this doing in this china cabinet and there are several handwritten delivery receipts inside of the ledger listing a number of alchemical products sent by someone named Myacnean Mun from a city

named Casimir. Oh! What? I'll say it again. I'm going to say this has no value to sell on the open market but maybe we could use it to clean up some of this shit

so Big P takes this and now it's not really eligible I show it to all of you let's use this to clean up the poop no wait Mr. P please I don't know what's going on here, but... Casimir's my name. What?

Casimir is my name. So, I'm stealing from you? I don't... Maybe. I just? I don't. Maybe. I just don't know what's happening. So we should forego wiping shit up with these pages until we can understand better what's happening here. That's all. That's what I'm saying, Mr. P.

Okay. Or should I say Master P? I think you've proven yourself. You can call me Master P. I've proven you've proven yourself as a no-limit soldier. You can call me P- proven yourself. You can call me Master P. I've proven you've proven yourself as a no-limit soldier. You can call me P-Daddy. You can call me... P-Daddy!

Call me P-Daddy. P-Daddy. Do we have anyone who has knowledge geography? I have knowledge history. You can roll a knowledge history. All right. That is a 21. All right.

That's enough for you to know, like, oh, yeah, you've read about Casimir in your historical studies. He looks for his own name in every book he reads. Yeah, it's just from Googling myself. That's how I know. Right? It's like, oh, Aldo Casimir, net worth. $10, right. It's like, oh, Aldo Casimir net worth. $10,000. I will say that my net worth is wildly exaggerated.

Where do they go for these numbers? Casimir is the second largest settlement in the empire of Taldor. It is located at the mouth of the Selen River. It's a major trade city, big port town, and a lot of nations use that area as a trade route. It's also home to the greatest of Taldor's imperial shipyards. Sorry, what?

I'm not repeating. Ship, shipyards. Shipyards. Sorry, what? I'm not repeating. Ship. Shipyards. Shipyards. But someone named Myacnean Mun from this city was sending alchemical products to Count Laos or the Laos family

or to Melisande. You don't know. Myacnean Mun from Casimir. Your last name. I don't believe in coincidences anymore. However, this may

in fact be one. But still, this may be important. Can we search the cultist bodies as well? Yeah, dude. You search the cultist bodies and on Steve's you find a picture of his three children. Oh no.

It's him and his wife and his kids at Six Flags. And they look so happy. This is before he gave his entire savings over to the cult, I'm assuming? Uh-huh, uh-huh. There's also an envelope with three tickets to Six Flags. Dated for tomorrow. Oh, wow.

You would think that he was going to surprise his children with a trip tomorrow. He's dead now. There it is. That's exactly what the picture is. That is canon. There's one child short in that picture. Went missing that day. Went missing that very day.

It drove him to join this cult. Why, just this year, he finally grew tall enough to ride the Texas Giant. Did you also find a Masterwork Rapier Yeah no they all have Masterwork Rapiers They all have Masterwork Daggers They all have plus one chain shirts No real money All unholy silver symbols

Of Hastur The King in Yellow Do I feel anything No real money. All unholy silver symbols of Hester, the king in yellow. Do I feel anything if I were to reach out towards one of those unholy symbols? Do I sense like a calling or any type of energy from them that reminds me? I'm thinking about how much we've come into contact with their teleportation magic

and other things that have made us feel not quite right. Not like we're a part of this place. They can come out of paintings and graffiti. I like to think that if you were to touch it and bring it up close to you, this symbol of Hester, you start to... You don't know if it's a trick of the mind or whatnot, but you start to hear hundreds

of overlapping whispers in the back of your mind. Like you're hearing the back of your mind. Like you're hearing the sounds of people chanting in another world. And you're just like, ah, that must just be the poop settling. I think this is a symptom of cholera.

And these guys are dressed to the nines. Again, you've seen this sort of hedonism, this Haster worship is all about luxury. But they don't have any money on them. They spent them all on tickets. Just to write, can we do a perception on the rest of the room? I'm assuming we already searched most of it.

Yeah, no, the, the, the, the big thing with those notes from my acne and mun receipts, can we run a knowledge local on the name? My acne and mun.

Yeah, sure. How do you spell that? Oh, you know, my acne and my acne and you've never, you've never run across the name Myacnean? Can I have its language of origin, please?

Can I hear that in a sentence? Myacnean Mun sent receipts from Casimir. M-I-A-C-K-N-I-A-N. I was so close. I did N-I-O-N. That was a foolish mistake. I had it. I had N-I-A-N. Well so close. I did N-I-O-N. That was a foolish mistake. I had it. I had N-I-A-N. Well, how do you think you spell mun?

I don't know. Is he related to Olivia Mun? Yes. That's actually, Olivia changed her name to Olivia because it was free and sag to take my acne in, but she wanted Olivia instead. Do you have knowledge mun?

No, because it's spelled M-U-N. No, they're not related. No relation. Unless she changed her name at Ellis Island. Anybody, I don't know if anyone else is hurt, but I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I think you should press her.

You're hurt too? I'm pretty badly hurt. Come, gather around me. What are you going to do? I'm going to channel all over you, Big P. Big P. What is going on with Halster? It's okay.

It's nice. Allow my warm energy to wash all over you. Seven points of healing for everyone. Thank you. Solid channel. I might need a bit more. I'll do a second one to get... Six points of healing.

Everyone good? Yeah. Sure. Sure. You want more? You want more? I wouldn't dare presume. Okay, okay.

Here it comes. Yeah, spontaneous casting. Here's a little cure light. Let's call that nine points. There we go. Okay. Back up to full. Back up.

I feel like a new woman. Man. Now, I'm assuming you're going to want to press on here. You have two options, up the stairs or further along this floor. However, Bunkleby is in bad shape. He is unconscious, still breathing. Oh, he's alive still? You see that his chest is heaving.

Why am I looking in this cabinet? The channel saved his life. Yeah, but unfortunately, he's not able to play in this session. We stuff him in a cabinet and lock it. And then we can move on. It's all right. I know a little bit about this with my expanded intellect.

Allow me to descend to your level to briefly explain what I can do for him. So Aldo cocoons him in a sort of poultice of feces, shaping it around him like a canopic jar. And then we shove him in the cabinet and lock the door. All right, let me just make sure I'm getting this right. I will shrink him down and do that. There you go. So long, Bungle B.

You knew the risks of this game when you got into it. Joe's going to be so mad. I know. What's he going to do? I'm just going to text Joe. You're safe. You've been cocooned in a poultice

of your own pieces. I actually, I found a photo of Bungleby. Are you ready for... Just imagine that smeared in its own poop and then you'll get a clear picture. Did I take that photo Did I take that photo? I took that photo

because I'm a real creep show. Such a creep. Why did you take that picture? You were there when I took the photo. We were laughing and pointing at the... He ate too much bread, like always. He fell asleep. He had a loaf of Italian bread in his left hand.

The only... He cradles it like a teddy bear. The only more surefire way to make someone fall asleep is to order a Domino's and have Troy wait for it. Go right out. It's like a lullaby for me. All right, what do you want to do? Do you want to press on on this floor,

or do you want to try and wait upstairs? We've got to press on on this floor. We've got to press on this floor. All you want to try and wait upstairs? We gotta press on on this floor. We gotta press on this floor. Alright, who's going where now that Bungleby is shoved into this... Someone other than me should scout ahead. I shall go first.

I open the door. Ooh. Bold moves there, Jay. You open the door. And you see... No! A small hallway. What is it?

It's a hallway. You see a hallway about maybe seven feet long that turns and opens into a wider room that stretches to the south. Perception. Okay. 24. 24.

There's something around the corner that you can't quite make out from where you're standing, but you can see, like, a reflection of something. Ooh. What's the light level like? It's nice. Oh, okay. Good. Nice. They're using, like? It's nice. Oh, okay. Good.

Nice. They're using like... It's tasteful. Very tasteful. It's a tasteful item. Warm, balanced, antique fixtures? Okay. Good.

I relay this information, particularly the tasteful lighting status, to the others, and then I tighten my grip around my greatsword and begin to move forward into the room, five feet at a time. Sir Julie moves in five feet. You start to see a little bit more. There's something around the corner there. Whoa, what is that? Oh, my God.

What is that? It looks kind of familiar, in a way. Is it poo? No. I believe I can see it here. Is it iridescent? Do you want to keep walking? Yeah, I can't see from here?

I guess you can. You see, not unlike Atticus Grimm, a man trapped in amber. Oh. This guy gets it. That was the bloodthirstiest kill him I've ever heard. Kill him. That's how they do it here in Dallas. That was the bloodthirstiest kill'em I've ever heard. Kill'em.

That's how they do it here in Dallas. I say he could give us information. I assume one of you has a spell to release someone who's been trapped in Amherst. Funny you should bring it up, actually. It's really funny because the exact same thing recently happened, and that's why you're here. Ow. I'll step forward to cast my gaze around the rest of the room.

Okay. This is a very, very interesting room, so I'll reveal the extent of it. It stretches all the way to the south, a long hall clad with fine wood paneling. And the whole room looks like an oversized curio cabinet with hundreds of items and art objects on display on small tables, in vitrines, and on benches. Dozens of paintings and tapestries of various sizes hang from the walls and muffle the echoes that would normally be present in this marble-floored chamber. You see a set of double doors leading outside,

the main doors into the building. It's obviously the door that you walked in, but then on the far side of the room, there's another door that goes deeper into the manor. It appears that some paintings have been removed from the walls, leaving only hooks where they once hung, and that kind of soft stain of a painting that has been taken off the wall

that had hung there for a long time. That little shadow that's left on the wall. It's a weird time to be talking about soft stains. Don't be gross, Matthew. More than quality. Halster prematurely channels everywhere mark it on your sheet mark it on your sheet oh man

you can see that the choice of artwork in here is a little all over the place it seems like more than quality the Lyle's family seem to have favored The choice of artwork in here is a little all over the place. It seems like more than quality, the Lyle's family seem to have favored originality and oddity in their choices. If you start to look about the room, among many other things, because there's a ton of shit in this greeting hall,

this is what you see. You see portraits in various artistic styles, so clearly done by several different artists, of all the former counts, their wives, and a few relatives and domestics wearing all kinds of expressions and outfits lining the walls. One really eerie portrait that jumps out at you, Sir Julie,

you see it before anybody else, is a freestanding small-ish picture frame on a small tea table with a single chair next to it. And it's a picture of a child posing near a kitten at the foot of a luminous window. And I want you to really picture this, because as you look at the photo further, the child appears to be absolutely terrified.

Oh, my God. This is fucking me up. This is... Yeah, this is the kind of thing I have nightmares about. Yeah. Where are you going? Oh, no, don't touch me! What are you doing?

No, no, stop! What is he doing? Troy, this is... There's eight. The look on Skid Space when he pressed that button was so defiant. Oh, I'll show you! Imagine this, though. It's just like

a child with a kitten and the child looks absolutely terrified. Why would someone display this? You also see marble busts. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, that wasn't quite right.

I'm sorry. I think you missed, sir. You see marble busts of various scholars sitting on small plinths. They all look like they came from the Cinco Maggi School of Sciences. And three of the effigies appear to be

academically renowned ancestors of Laos. I hesitate to ask, but does the figure encased in amber look like any of the figures in the portraits or in the effigies? No. It's just like a dude.

He in the portraits or in the effigies? No. It's just like a dude. He has a Dak Prescott jersey on. That's my quarterback! He's already dead. Yeah, no, he just looks like a regular old guy. You see some of the busts have been shattered on the floor. Maybe randomly, maybe not. There's also small town perspectives

of Threshmore and a half a dozen or so large paintings of the surrounding landscape here. The large pictures include what looks like a historic piece. like long ago you recognize Threshmore from you guys walking around the past few days

but it looks like it's old old Threshmore like when it was being settled there's a cluster of huts on low hills hard at work trying to reclaim the surrounding land from the swamps and you even see the star stelae have been depicted in these old-ass paintings.

But they're almost like an afterthought. They've been here for a long time. You see statues of dragons, giants, and other strange beasts littering the shelves. And among them is a poorly executed one foot tall clay figurine of an elephant-legged multi-mod tentacle aberration.

Ooh. Matthew knows what that is. You got a knowledge in engineering? Nope. Then you don't know what it is. No, no. Sir Julie has no idea. Matthew, however, has been reading You got Donjon? Just religion

Set on an ebony pedestal Pestle Set on an ebony pedestal Shut up Is a human skull That's been marked With the elaborate carvings of geometric shapes and lines.

Small worked garnets are set in the teeth and a thin line of silver rings the eye sockets. Garnets and silver, Big P moves in and starts to take that skull. Big P slides in to take the skull. At that moment, as Big P slides in to the middle of the room, right around Shma,

to grab this skull, you hear a sound, Big P. A sound like a low growl. Big P turns to exit the room. Sadly, it's too late. Because at that moment,

this extra-dimensional hound appears. Oh. From invisibility. Okay, okay, okay. Good boy. And it stares directly into your soul. So give me a save that is of the fortitude persuasion.

Oh, fortitude. How's your fortitude, Big P? My fortitude for a tiny halfling is not great. Here we go. Come on. Don't fuck me. All right. 20. Oh, fuck me. Alright. 20. Oh!

That's a pass. Yes! You are immune to its gaze for 24 hours. But your friends are not. Roll for initiative. Oh! Roll, rick-a-roll, rick-a-roll, rick-a-roll Roll for initiative. Oh! Roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll,

Oh, Jared, I'm so glad you're here, buddy. This is a monster right out of your love of Cthulhu. Yes, yes. In fact, I believe I can identify it, but I'm not going to spoil it. Let's talk initiative. Let me get out of this one. Obviously, Bungle B still struggling in the closet there to regain consciousness from his heart attack. What did you roll, Big P, for Anish?

20. 20. Good, Anish. Big P. Yeah, I'm back in it. Aldo, what about you, buddy? 11 for Aldo. 11 for Aldo. 11 for Aldo.

Halster. Right in the middle with a 17. 17, right down Broad Street. Sir Julie. Four. Four. What about the people chatting over here? What'd you guys roll for me?

What'd you guys get? Ooh, ice cold, right? Don't hurt him, Troy. Please, Hammer. Don't hurt him, Troy. Please, Hammer. Don't hurt him. It's round one, and it is the hound's turn. The hounds of winter. Man, this is bad, Big P.

You played your character correctly. You moved in there. You're greedy. You're a thief. You're a bandit. I really appreciated it. I told you I'd leave Roy Jenkins this shit. You're a bandit. I really appreciated it. I told you I leave Roy Jenkins this shit. You truly did.

This thing will, oh, man, five foot step. Oh. Full attack. And it's hasted. Oh, no. First attack. Here comes the bite. 29 to hit.

Yeah, that hits. That is going to be five points of damage on the bite. Okay, okay, okay. Second attack of four. The claw. I did ask at lunch today, what happens if Big P dies in today's session? If Big P dies, we are lost.

24 to hit. That's still attacking. It's still attacking me? Yeah. Hit. Let me just get my D8 out. That's going to be six points of damage. Ouch.

Second claw. Oh, 23 to hit. Hits. Another D8. That's going to be six points of damage. Ouch. Second claw. Oh, 23 to hit. Hits. Another D8. That's going to be not bad. Four points of damage, minimum damage. And then the hasted attack. One more bite.

22 to hit. That's a hit. Oh, my gracious. That's going to be 10 points of damage. Big P is leaking bodily fluids and not the type that Bunglebee was leaking. Oh, no. So this thing just steps up to Big P. It's like...

And Big P is in rough shape. Still trying to get the garnets free from the snow. While it's mauling you. Now here's what I'm going to tell you. This thing has a gaze attack. You know this. Big P could tell you like, it's eyes, don't look at its eyes.

So you have some options here. You can either just take it, try to roll against its gaze, which is just constantly active, or you can try to avert your eyes, but then you'll take a mischance if you try to attack it. So you can either roll to save

and hope to not take the attack, or look away and just have a worse chance to hit. It's up to you, and it is Big B's turn. You're already immune to this. I'm already immune to the gaze. Look,

I don't have a lot of options here. I think Big P, the character, would run and hide, but there's loot right here, so he has to stay and fight. What a hero. Yeah. He's like, mine!

I found it first! He stabs at the hound, the horrible hound, to the tune of... That's going to be a 17 to hit. That is a miss. That is a miss on this

horrible, horrible creature. I know you guys just met Big P, but you don't want to see a friend die. One is dying in the closet. Not another one. It is Halster's turn. Halster, you want to just take it, roll this save? Do you want to avert your eyes, or do you want to throw on a blindfold? Those are your options.

I would like to try to approach the monster looking at my feet kind of halfway, if that's all right. That's great. And I have just enough room to get into melee with it. I'd like to attack. I guess I'll look at it as I attack, or else I'll have to take a penalty. That's okay. You're going to avert your eyes. You're going to avoid the saving throw, but that's a 50% miss chance.

Okay, okay. Here it comes. That is a 18 to hit. Give me the 50% miss chance. I'm not going to tell you if that's a hit or a miss. 87, one away from 86. Oh, it's the razor thin. Wait till the 86 rule comes into effect.

That is a miss. Oh, the higher end thin! Wait till the 86 rule comes into effect. That is a miss. Oh, the higher end. What an asshole. So now... Why would she do that? Just to make you feel bad. Wow. It is Aldo's turn.

Aldo, what do you want to do? Throw in a blindfold, avert your eyes, or take it like a champ? Aldo hears the commotion in the hallway and he immediately comes running in and he does, he averts his eyes, but he sees his friends down at the far end and he says, best friend, Master P!

No! Master P! And he drinks an extract and casts shield on himself. Okay. Okay. And because you averted your eyes, you don't have to roll because you're not even trying to hit.

Great. It is Sir Julie's turn. Sir Julie, Paragon of Good, Knight of the Dawnflower, what do you do? In the face of such evil, Sir Julie will not look away. Give me a fortitude save, you badass! Ballard. 15.

Oh! That's gonna be 5d6 damage. What? What? From its ripping gaze. I see some sixes. Eight. I need to calculate.

This is so much. 17 points of damage. But now you may act normally. Am I immune to it now? No, because you didn't pass. If you succeed, you're immune. But yeah, you boldly went in and boldly took it.

Silver lining, I'll get to try the save again next round. That's true. I'm going to lay on hands. Okay. Is that your initial plan? It was not. And then I will move

the full complement of my movement, and I shall get around this table to face the hound. Thereby not provoking, you went the long way. Big old move there. And it is the full complement of my movement and I will take a swing and power attack, furious focus.

Checking. Okay. That's going to be a 23 to hit. Yeah! That's a hit. Yes! Aberration. Be gone! 17 points of damage.

What kind of weapon do you have? A plus one greatsword. Plus one. Thank you. Top of round two. And it's the Hound's turn. What to do? What to do?

Kind of want to do a ripping gaze as a standard attack on Halster. But I also like the idea of taking four attacks. I'm hearing four attacks over here. You talked me into it.

We'll do a bite at Big P. Natty 19 on the bite to Big P. Oh no. Big P takes 13 points of damage. I'm still up. Still up.

A claw to Halster. Natural 20. Critical threat, critical threat, critical, critical, critical threat. Here we go. To confer. 30. You got me. What do you think?

Magic? Magic crit? Regular melee. Actually, natural attack if you have a natural attack. I think I just have melee. Okay. I'm glad. This allows me to say hello to Kevin S. from Fort Worth, Texas.

Kevin! Kevin? Really? You're all liars. This one is called Stop Critting Yourself. Uh-oh. My sisters used to hit me with my own hand and would say that, so this is bringing back a lot of bad memories.

It happened right here in Dallas. Your opponent brings their weapon up to block but your powerful swing slams both of your weapons into the creature's armor. Double damage and their armor is sundered. Oh no! I'm sorry

but we normally don't allow things that specify a weapon with natural attacks to go through. We pass on the crit. Good night. In my defense, I didn't hear a word Grant said. Here comes the double damage. Reflex save negates sundering of the armor.

You can negate the sundering. What am I rolling against? Against the creature's AC. Okay. That is not going to do it with the 16, I think. Your armor is sundered. You should be able to figure out. And you're going to take

17 points of damage. Here's the good news. It's going to claw you again. I'm right there. Second claw. Don't worry. I've got the hasted attack. Second claw is going to be...

Ooh, close one. 29. That's a hit. Max damage. 11 points of damage. And then for good measure, how about a bite on Sir Jules? That'd be close.

Kenji? 24 to hit. That hits. This monster is so fucking great. 12 points of damage. Okay. Take it like a champ, Sir Jules. It is Big P's turn. Big P,

how many hit points do you have? I have five hit points. Oh! So, this is gonna be a hit and a run. Right. But I wanna know, am I flanking now? Uh, no.

Not even a little. There's not really a way for me to get into flanking. No, you need Sir Julie to not be so selfish. Now, could I give you some, could I give you some, could I give you some imagineering? Perhaps, perhaps Big P climbs onto the shelving that you said was there and gets directly above the thing and then comes down on it with his dagger. And if he gets an acrobatics check, he gets the sneak attack damage. I do like

some imagineering. Here's what I'll say. You've got to roll an acrobatics check. It's against the CMD of this creature. And if you get it, I'll give you the sneak attack. Alright, here we go. Just to let you know. you the secret test. All right. Here we go. Just to let you know.

My acrobatics is strong. Here we go. And I rolled with my acrobatics. That's going to be a 33. Yes! That succeeds. Yeah, see? Now, you all know, ordinarily, Troy would never allow something like this.

All you have to do is to fly in from L.A. on less than 24 hours notice to get a little bit of consideration. What? No! Healthy Joe! Healthy Joe! Healthy Joe! Healthy Joe! Healthy Joe!

Healthy Joe! Healthy Joe! This is amazing, though. I can totally picture it. You've got, what's your bonus to acrobatics? It's plus 17. Yeah, this is your jam. I imagine you were like thrown out of the circus and you became a thief.

Right. You fly up there. It's like Robin. Is that an understandable place, though, where Big V is on the wall? Not the way he did it, but use your imagination. You really are nice to new people. I can't help it. Well, maybe I land here when I'm done.

Yeah. But let's see. I think right on that table. Land where you were. Yeah, because that's where Julie's flanking. Yeah. Cheater. You didn't fly in.

17 damage altogether. Wait, what did you roll to hit? Oh. Oh. I'm nice to a point, Kevin. I'll write the attack. Not to a point, buddy. Here we go. Wait. Sorry, you're right.

I got ahead of myself. Here we go. All right! Yeah! This is a 29. Yes! Yes! I'll go ahead and re-roll that damage. I'll go ahead and re-roll that damage. I'll take the 17.

17, and you have a plus one short sword. That's right. So that is magical. Okay. Big attack from Big P, or Master P, as he's known. Thank you for allowing me to do stuff you don't allow the other players to do. You seem like a nice guy. We want to have fun.

Sure. Dallas plays by their own rules. Why can't we? Now, do I still have enough movement to get away so that I don't... I mean, if I don't, I don't. Don't push your luck, Jerry. I don't think I do. Alright, I'm going to stay right there. If you had a spring attack, you could move, attack, move,

but you used your move to get into that position. I used it, yeah, okay, no problem. Leaving yourself open for a kill shot. Don't worry, 17, I think that killed it. We're good now. Well, here's the good news. Halster, Aldo, and Sir Julie get to go before the hound goes again. If they kill it, you're probably fine.

If not, you may die, and then I don't have to play Big P in Richmond. I don't know how I feel. That feels fair. Halster, your thoughts? Halster is thinking about healing Big P, but I really want to take that burden off your shoulder, Troy, and just heal myself instead. I understand.

And now the creature's been damaged, so it's... Look at those eyes, though. Look at how Jared's looking at me right now. Can I resist this man, Dallas? Should I heal Big P? Help me! Help me!

Help me, house door! I can't say no to that beautiful siren call. House door will five foot step back and spontaneously cast Cure Mod on Big Pig. That's nice!

He's the most beloved character in the history of the network. 21 points of healing. That's an 8 and a seven. You'll live forever. That's very kind. Very, very kind. Aldo, you gotcha.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What? Are you avoiding, you're averting your gaze? Are you, what are you doing? Yeah, I'm averting my gaze, but I'm not doing anything with the creature, so. Sure, sure, sure.

Are you asking for a missed chance on touching him? Yep. Okay. Wait, no, that, a missed chance is only on the creature. Yeah, why not? He really doesn't want to play. He didn't fly in from LA.

Wait, all right. We've been doing something wrong with your nice 86 house rule, by the way. What's that? I would argue that if you're going to put that house rule in effect, then it must be 50 or below. First of all, it's not my rule. It's Del's rule.

It is Del's rule. Del! The originator of the rule is right here. Why didn't you ask him? Right. That way you get a full half and half, 50%. I couldn't hear him. So roll.

The audience isn't mic'd. It's hard to hear. You're able to heal him. It's fine. We tried, Del. We tried. I'm sorry. You know what?

You're able to heal him as long as you don't roll an 86. Okay. That's fair. That's fair, Troy. But if you roll an 86, I'm going to do something horrible. 81.

81. This has happened so many times recently. No one has brought more danger into the podcast than Del. Thank you, Del. Del Dominick, man. Wow. Dell, everybody. Dell Dominic.

Woo! Let's give a big hand for the man who killed one of your favorite characters, Dell Dominic. There's blood on his hands, he's Dell. There's blood on his hands, he's Del. There's blood on his hands, he's Del. Healthy Del. Healthy Del. Healthy Del. All right, Halster, that is your very selfless turn.

Very ungrant-like of you. I mean, look at him. He is. He's got that Cute Cherub grin Me It is Aldo's turn Morgantown charm

Aldo What do you want to do? Do you want to avert your eyes? Do you want to throw on The blindfold that's on Your character's shoe? Aldo will not Avert his gaze

Wow He will bravely Stride forth Into the fray Into the hallway Give me a fortitude save. 15. Here comes

5d6. Alright, 3 ones, dude. 3 ones. Very bad roll, so 3, 4, 5. Only 9 points of damage. Alright, I'll take it. So yeah, four, five. Only nine points of damage. All right, all right. Nine points of damage. I'll take it. So yeah, this effect shreds his mind right behind his eyes. You can feel it.

His eyes, like a little blood trickles down from his nose. He says, creature, I don't know from which hellish plane you emerged, but I'm betting you don't like explosions. And he throws a bomb at it. Gah! You hit a pregnant woman. I'm sorry, madam. Skittles.

She needs the extra nutrients, Troy. That is a 25 against Touch AC. That is a hit. touch AC. That is a hit. There we go. Yeah! Are your bombs magic for the purposes of bypassing Dion? They are, Infect. I hate to move over there.

All right, give me the damage. 16 points of fire damage. Yikes. And that's it. All right, and your friends don't take splash because of your special job. No, they don't take splash damage because I hit it on the nose.

All right, all right. Not bad. Still up, though. Still up, Sir Julie. Sir Julie shall not look away. Flanking because of Big P's bravery. Okay, 20 on the fortitude save. You're all right.

Okay. Now you're immune from the ripping gaze. Creature, I've seen your like before. I will smite evil. Ooh! Yes! Joke's on you. That guy's chaotic good.

It's attacking us for our own benefit. Yep. Okay. First attack. Power attack. Furious focus. Spiding evil. Natural one.

That is a 27, 29. Yes! Yes! That's a hit. That is 25 points of damage. All right. Last attack, and then it's its turn.

Smoke that shit. 22 to hit. AC 21. Yeah! Julie! Julie! Julie! Julie! Not a lot of damage 27 points of damage It's next turn It was going to teleport out of here. Ooh.

But you killed it. Yeah! Yeah! Dallas, Texas' own DMX. The hound with its giant black eyes and its long fanged teeth just succumbs to your blows and dies in a pool of black blood. The blood starts to sizzle as it hits the wooden floor. And you are out of combat. Where did that thing come from?

Someone must have tripped some sort of booby trap. And then I start taking the skull out of the... So, Big P goes back to working on this human skull marked with elaborate carvings and small worked garnets in the teeth.

There's some other stuff in this room. Can we roll a knowledge check on the hound? Yeah. What is it? Roll knowledge. Plains. I can do that. You got plains?

Yeah. I do too. I fought in the world, Moon Man. All right. Nobody likes a braggart. I mean, it did render me with crippling PTSD that left me in Briarstone Asylum for 40 years. Every time at the bars.

You remember I fought in the World War. All right. However, I rolled a natural five. I'm not sure. So 13. 13? I'm sorry. Maybe you're more intelligent friends.

Oh, actually, let me have a crack at this, Sir Julie. I may have a better chance at it with my improved intellect. I don't want to harp on it, but I did get a 27 on Knowledge Plane. Oh, that'll do. That'll do just fine. This gaunt, long-limbed quadruped with huge soulless eyes and a toothy maw

moving with predatory grace is a hound of Tindalos. Yeah! Did you know that, Jared? I did, I did. From the story by Frank Belknap Long. Ooh! Big Belknap Long fan.

Belknap Long's granddaughter showed up. Where my long shanks at? Yeah. The Belknap Long contingent made it out here to Dallas. This is a hound of Tindalos. This is like an otherworldly, outsider, otherplaner creature working in consort with the Count, with

Melisande. Why is this guardian here in the greeting room? You don't know. But there's a bunch of other shit in here. I mentioned the paintings. I mentioned that frightened child, terrified child near a kitten. That picture

frame is just sitting by itself. Statues of dragons, giants, beasts. That elephant legged, multi-mawed tentacle aberration statue. Do the statues appear movable and

sailable? Yes. I will grab the tentacle statue if it's something I can move easily. Yeah. Does anybody have knowledge of engineering? Great party makeup. I don't think I do.

The wizard is encased in amber. You did that. Joe did that to himself. You see some porcelain and ceramic dishes, jugs, teapots, vases, some of which are of excellent quality, kept in a glass showcase. You also see a very small ceramic vial

among those dishes. There's worthless, bizarre, and sometimes grotesque souvenirs from all across this area, all across Ustalav and beyond displayed here. Coffee cups made from uncapped monkey skulls, a stuffed three-eyed bat, multicolored dyed freshwater sponges, a mummified ogre's ear, and whatnot.

Something really catches your attention, Sir Julie. It's not that funny. You see a battered shield. Shield. I put an R in there for some reason. A battered shield. A battered shield. Shield. A battered shield hanging on a wall bearing the device of Mendev.

Device of Mendev? In fact, according to a plaque fixed under it, the shield belonged to a man named Fazimir Lauls. Oh. A cadet who died just beyond the northern border of Ustalav during the Second Mendevian Crusade.

Oh! It is a non-magical heavy steel shield. Well, then we'll leave it here. Fucking worthless. It's... I thought I was going to do something cool. I thought I was going to be able to ride it down a snowy hill or something. You can still do that.

You don't need magic for that. You just need a sense of wonder. My sense of balance is a little off in my old age. You or Sir Julian? Both. You see the man dressed in a fine nobles outfit in the Dak Prescott jersey, frozen in a shimmering field of amber.

And now that you're out of combat and in the room and really digging into what's happening here, obviously that picture of the child is still drawing your attention, but you notice that those busts that are shattered on the floor, the ones that are shattered are all Lauses. They're all ancestors of Laus.

And the ones that haven't been shattered are other people. But there's busts of people that have been shattered on the floor. And if you read the plaques, the ones that have been shattered are relations of Laus. Does the guy you describe as just some dude in Case in Amber, does he have any would we have any

way of knowing if he somewhat resembled the magistrate? Good question. But no, no, there's nothing, there's no bearing on his person that would make you think he worked for the government here in Threshmore.

Is he presented like a trophy, like these other things, or it looks like this just happened to him here? It doesn't look like it happened to him here. It looks like it's very purposely put here as like a warning. Huh. And when we learned about the family doctor We found his bones right When we fought his ghost

Yes a doctor that had an affair With Namira Liles Count Hazerton's mom So it's not him No no this is like a young Cowboys fan It would be sad if it was any other fan Cowboys fan. It would be sad if it was any other fan.

Go Giants. He's not a Patriots fan. It won't work on him. Anything here you want to examine, spend time with, look at. Are there books or things? No books. I didn't mention any books.

I will heal everyone for 15 points of healing. Big P, I think you need some more hit points, as we call them in Pathfinder. I'd like to examine the portrait of the creepy kitty with the scared child. I'd like to go to that freestanding portrait and really peer into it, look it up and down, maybe open the back of the frame and see if there's a secret note or something. Just otherwise look into it.

Give me a perception check. Okay. 19. Not great. However, you do know, or rather as you open up the frame and look inside, you see on the back of the picture there is something written. It says Hazerton at age five. 4681 AR.

And because you decided to look, give yourself a bottle cap. First bottle cap of 2022. Bottle cap! Bottle cap! Bottle cap! Bottle cap! Bottle cap! Bottle cap! Bottle cap! You earned it. Everybody else give me a perception check.

Except you. You give me a sense motive. What'd you get, Sir Jules? 19. Crap. 17. Not great. 30.

That'll do. So you all kind of come around Halster as he's examining this. And Aldo, you look, and you're terrified by this. Skid's terrified. I don't know how Aldo feels. You now know that this is a young Hazerton. Ah! You now know that this is a young Hazerton. Ha!

And it appears that the painter intentionally created a frightening situation for the child and then expended great efforts to seize his wide-eyed expression. So you think that Lowell's is probably a lairophobic and is afraid of being in close proximity to felines. And the painter knew this and tortured him to get

this frightened look. Oh my god. What parent would allow this to happen? Is the painting signed? Wait. Does this painting share any similarities to the paintings of Praise Praise, Zalvar

Zandalus. Am I saying it right? Am I having a seizure? Praise Praise. Because he took great interest in a painter there. That's right. Hazard and Lowness went to Briarstone Asylum trying to form this relationship with Zvarez Andalus,

who, crazy though he was, was a painter. Good question, but no. Different. Is the painting signed? It is not. Does it bear any stylistic resemblance to either the paintings we've seen on the walls out in town or the painting of that one guy? No. The one guy? No.

The one guy we went to hang out with. Will I be able to make money on it if I take it back to town and sell it? Yes. I start pulling it out of the frame. You see Big Pete do this. There's a lot going on in here. This is the first room that you would walk into

if you came into the main doors. And again, it shows off now not only their wealth, but their interest in obscure, weird, terrifying, strange things. They're not really hiding what they're into, as evidenced by this elephant-legged, tentacled aberration, the child being terrified by a cat. But who destroyed the busts? What's going on here, you do not know.

However, you do see a door leading further along the first floor. I listen at the door. Roll a perception check. Okay. Okay. 19. I cannot roll above a six tonight. Okay.

You don't hear anything. Would someone mind checking this door for traps? or anything. Would someone mind checking the store for traps? I am a rogue. An unchained rogue. A bandit by trade. I think that Aldo or House Tor should do it.

I'm teaching you how to do it. Very gracious. Step aside, Master P. What's a true master at work? So that's one thing that Werner Hedgehog gives me is the alertness feat when he's within arm's reach. So I get a plus two to my perception. Okay. I'd be alert all the time, too, if a hedgehog burrowed itself into my neck.

I know. Yeah. It keeps you on your toes. That's another 30. That's another 30. Ooh! Straight up perception? Yep.

Uh, you hear a very, very, very faint sound that's like a fluttering. He turns, looks at his party and says, Bats. Bats. Or large butterflies It's impossible to say from just the sound I feel like it's probably

more than bats because this wasn't a dog that we came across in here No, it's true It's a good point The only way to really know is to open the door. Open the door. All right, I open the door.

You open. I get under a table. Big Pete hides under a table. As you open the door. Look at that rug. It is the last room on the first floor. I actually need a rug. You, Matthew, need a rug? Me, Matthew, at that rug. It is the last room on the first floor. I actually need a rug. You, Matthew, need a rug?

Me, Matthew, needs a rug. You can't take this fantasy rug home with you. It seems like it would be cheaper than most rugs I could buy. That's a nice pattern, though. You should look for something like that. I can send you a screenshot of this if you want to bring it to your rug guy. Or I'll just print it out on like 200 pieces of

8.5 by 11 printer paper. This is a very interesting room. The walls of this large room are lined with ceiling high bookshelves laden with bound

tomes. Parchment scrolls. And stacks of paper. The shelves are stuffed full. And sag. Under the weight of their contents. A dozen. Amber colored crystal lamps.

Are fixed to the walls. And three more lamps stand. On two central tables tables and a desk. Stairs in the western corner of the room lead up to the second floor. But that's not all that's in this room. Because as you open the door, you see something floating. the door, you see something floating. You see something floating that is a disembodied female torso, flapping through the air on bat-like wings, her fanged face a hateful mask. She looks like, fucking

hold on, this! No! No! And she screams, and we'll see you in Richmond. Woo! Thank you, Dallas! Thank you!

Thank you, Dallas! Healthy Joe! Healthy Joe! Healthy Joe! Healthy Joe! Thanks for listening to the Glass Cannon Network. For more podcasts and live streams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com. And for exclusive shows and content you can't find anywhere else, subscribe today at patreon.com slash glasscannon. you