The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 33 – Shag Carpet

Episode Date: July 18, 2022

The boys made their first stop in Richmond, VA, for an unusually sexy night of Pathfinder hijinks. A battle with the floating torso of an undead woman opens the door to a massive discovery. Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Grant Berger and Matthew Capodicasa as they tour the country playing the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Pathfinder Adventure Path. Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/tLMyws-gM74 Recap 14:10 Gameplay 23:40 For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com and for exclusive content and benefits, subscribe today at patreon.com/glasscannon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, I just got us a new Coca-Cola spice. Nice. What's it taste like?

It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. healthy joe healthy joe healthy joe

healthy joe healthy joe Healthy Joe! Healthy Joe! Healthy Joe! Healthy Joe! Hello, Richmond! You know, I didn't know until I got here that Virginia and West Virginia are two different states. I was all excited to sing Country Roads and have everyone join in with me, but evidently that's the more exciting state to the West. I wasn't aware of that.

I think you're the first person that ever called West Virginia exciting. I just thought it was the Western portion of all the same state. It was. I guess when you have that many hillbilly racists all in one place, it just kind of spills over into a whole second terrible state. No, come on.

Come on, not the nash. Come on. Come on, not the niche. Come on. All jokes aside, are you bumpkins accustomed to having college-educated performers do a show for you? Or is a normal Saturday night on the town just listening to the local jug band? Jug band.

Curious. town just listening to the local jug band. Jug band. This must be so nice to take a break from tilling the tobacco fields and take off your soiled overalls and come to a people talking show. Are we that far south? I promise we'll do our best to talk slow

and limit our vocabulary to Joe's vocabulary. One of these days somebody's going to bring a buddy to a show that doesn't know I'm joking. It's going to beat me up. No, you guys have a really nice ghost town

completely under construction. It's really... There's no one here! There's no one here! It's the most people I've seen in one place since I came here. That's including the airport. Folks! I came here. That's including the airport. Folks,

allow me to introduce you to four men who are the oats to my hall. In a world where oat sucks and has trouble getting an erection. That was confidential, Troy. I don't know what you think the relationship between

Daryl and John is, but I'm curious now. What do you think? I know Hall's the talent. You got the roads because you suck. Yeah, skid. That real hanger on.

That talentless hanger on. I'm just here to collect the royalty checks. First up is the only member of the group with a tattoo of the Confederate flag on his inner thigh. Give it up for Matthew Capitacazza! Show him! Show him!

Show him! Show the tap! Show the tap! I have something special planned for this moment, Troy. Do you know what today is? No. This very day. What is it? Today, I swear to God, I realized this this morning, is the

ten year anniversary of the first time we met. No wonder I didn't celebrate. How do you know this? How would you have this? Did you write it in your journal? I met the most amazing man. I met the meanest man I've ever met.

I feel like he's going to bring me along for a ride that will change my life forever. Is that what you wrote in your journal? No, this is the 10 year anniversary when the Giants beat the Patriots again. And we are at Joe's apartment. Wow. I feel like we, you want a hug? No.

Should they hug? Should they hug? Yeah. Hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug Wait no Troy clearly wouldn't let Matthew stand all the way up because the illusion of him being taller than Matthew would be shattered Let us met back to back back to back back, back to back, back to back. Matthew's in for this one. Back.

It was like holding a newborn. Hold on. You got to take the hat off, Troy. Come on, no, the hat doesn't add any inches. Troy is small. Troy is small. Was that a Troy is small chant that started? Troy is small!

Troy is small! Troy is small! Come on. It was like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in Muggsy Bogues and you know it. Guys. Shut up. All right. Shut up or we'll never come back to your shitty town. Troy might be small, okay? But he's not freakishly small, all right?

So just lay off. He's normal small for a lady. Just a regular, regular short man. There's no need to go piling on on a regular short man. Stop making me stand up. I'm bloated. piling on on a regular short man. Stop making me stand up. I'm bloated.

Next up is a man who is celebrating, just a couple days ago, two years sober. Not that you care, but I'm extremely proud of you, and even though you are less fun now. No. No, listen. Shush! You weren't that fun to begin with.

That's fair. Give it up for Grant Berger. Hey! You know what they say, Troy? Virginia is for lovers! And I see a lot of beautiful people out there tonight that I will not have sex with. But I might fist bump.

One of the big perks of you being sober is more moonshine for me down here. Yeah, yeah. I feel that same way when I eat a big meal with my wife. I get to eat all of her extras, and now all the drinks I would have had you now drink. That's right. How you feeling, buddy?

Excited to be in, where are we? Richmond. Richmond. Yeah. Richmond, Virginia. Yeah, it's, it's an interesting city

to be in named after Ulysses S. Grant. The last time an alcoholic named Grant came to Virginia, we don't need to get into the details. But he won!

Woo! America forever. Fuck the Confederacy. Wow. Wow. You really divided the crowd. Next up is a man... A lot of northern sympathizers here tonight.

I wasn't expecting that. Well, next up is a man who wasn't allowed to fight for the Confederates. Because he was a health risk because of his age. Give it up for Skid Marr, everybody. Skid, you love history. You love yourself some history. I read that Richmond, Virginia is one of the best states for history buffs to come to. It is a city, but yes.

I think I did the same thing. I did a double take. Yeah, I was in my few ambulatory hours yesterday. I was able to see many monuments. I actually went by the White House of the Confederacy, and then I collapsed in pain. Out. Somehow. I woke up in my hotel room. I don't know what happened.

I'm glad you're here and you look amazing. I have to say, I hurt my ankle. Troy's too polite to say anything, but I fucked up my ankle by jumping off the stage in Dallas. And it's gotten progressively worse to the point where I can barely climb stairs. And it freaks me out because I know that I tweaked my Achilles tendon. And I know it freaks me out because my dad and two of his brothers both ruptured their Achilles tendons at about my age. So, more men have pre-perforated Achilles tendons for some reason.

Since we have that one point of vulnerability. It's almost like a... Well, anyway. Well, luckily... I was just going to say, luckily, you are in a job and life where you don't need an Achilles tendon. Right. I don't have to move at all.

Because I was going to say, I won't be doing my normal square dancing routines and stuff in front of the tables. And that's why. Yeah, I was going to say, too bad it's going to keep you out of the 24 Olympics. Real heartbreaker. Real heartbreaker for you.

I'm sorry. Finally is a man who unfortunately survived COVID. But he's still the festering disease that's plaguing the Glass Cannon Network that will seemingly never go away. Give it up for Richmond Joe O'Brien.

Yes! Richmond Joe? Richmond Joe! Richmond Joe! Richmond Joe! Richmond Joe! Richmond Joe! I never expected to be Richmond Joe. Richmond Joe. Richmond Joe. Richmond Joe. Richmond Joe. Richmond Joe. I never expected to be Richmond Joe.

Richmond Joe. My whole life. Oh, man. Have you taken on any of the characteristics of Richmond's that you've been here to become Richmond Joe? What would those be, Joe, right on the spot right now? Being in a room alone drinking. Can we spray you with graffiti and throw you in a park somewhere? That'd be fun.

It was a bit of a journey for us to get here. Thursday, I messaged the guys, and I said, heads up, big storm's coming to New York. If you can move your flights, do it. And then I said, Joe up, big storms coming to New York. If you can move your flights, do it. And then I said, Joe, with your luck, I'll reach out to Jared right now. Old Richmond Joe's the first one to respond. He's like, don't worry about it.

Took care of it. Switched myself to a 7 a.m. flight Friday morning. I was like, what am I going to do all day in Richmond? I don't know, but I'll figure it out. I'm not going to miss another show. And all of our flights got tossed around a little bit except for Skid. And Joe's flight was completely cancelled.

And he barely made it here a couple hours ago. I flew this morning. So I didn't get to hang out. I'm really bummed. But what it means is I have a little bit extra energy so didn't get to hang out. I'm really bummed. But what it means is I have a little bit extra energy so I'm ready to party tonight. Like party.

He's in a mood. Ready to get your shine on? Oh yeah. What were you going to say Matty Capps? I just said he's been in a mood all day. Yep. We're having fun. Don't touch me.

You truly are the unluckiest man alive. Do you fear for your life on a daily basis? Because you really have a... No, no, no. Because part of bad luck

is staying alive to endure the bad luck. You know. Somebody across says, oh God, he's so Irish. Like, they get it. That's what being Irish is. It's enduring.

It's awful. It's living on. The Irish don't go away. You sound like an addict. That sounds like addicts suck. I was like, isn't that something you say after you like,

As a former addict, I can confirm. That's addict talk. That's just addict talk. Isn't that something you say after you're like, As a former addict, I can confirm. That's addict talk. That's just addict talk. Yeah, that's addict talk. I am so excited to be here. We're trying to come to new cities that we haven't been to. Obviously, we've been to D.C.

and our... A couple people from D.C. here. Awesome. And this year, we're like, we want to try some. Awesome. And this year we're like, we want to try some new markets. And our booking agent was like, you want to go to Richmond? And I said, no.

But then I had a couple drinks and here we are. Yeah! And let me tell you something. We were downstairs in the green room having a couple pops and this crowd sounded hot. Yes.

And I got to say, I... Sorry. You spilled Richmond Joe's beer! Boo this man! Boo! The cap's still on. Yeah, it's going to explode on your computer later I was just gonna say We've been to a lot of places

A lot of great places in terms of venues I love this place Because it feels like I'm just Playing Pathfinder In a fucking Irish pub With the brick walls And a bunch of bar seats. I love it.

I can't wait to hang out here tonight. I've said to you guys all week, you are nearing the end of this book. So yes, we're doing this for an audience. But really, it's just our home Pathfinder game. And a lot of stuff is going to go down starting tonight. So,

Grant, take it to the recap. Take it to the recap! Oh, it's so cold! Ladies and gentlemen, Grant Berger. I'm sorry I yelled. I get a little excited. Because tonight and the next few shows, this is big stuff. Pay attention. You pay attention, too. Sorry I yelled. I get a little excited.

Our heroes all came from an insane asylum. It's not that funny. I just started. With the exception of... This guy's already sick of the recap peace it out on the recap it's like I've heard this recap no you haven't it's new every show stay out

he made a whole rules video and I love it when you break the rules, because he gets so angry. And it makes me happy when he's angry. Continue your recap, please. Our heroes all came from an insane asylum. No. Yes.

What? Shut up. With the exception of Matthew's character, Sir Julie Andrews. The others eventually discovered that they were placed there by a man named Count Hazerton Lowles IV, who they used to work for as his thugs. But something happened. Your memories got erased, and he basically traded you to the asylum for the chance to interview a patient

whose addled mind seemed to have some connection to the dreamlands. He's kind of a shady dude, okay? He's the leader of the whole area, a role that his father had and his father's father had. It also appears that he's a bit of a wannabe scholar and writer. And sometime after committing you and spending time with this patient,

he left town on some pseudo-scholarly pursuit. He left the city, and the city went to shit. A royal accuser, this government official, came to town to investigate, and she went missing. As you get out of the asylum and arrive in town, you realize that several other people have gone missing as well.

And through your investigation, you discover that Laos' assistant that he left in charge of his estate, a woman named Meli Sen, is working with a cult of Haster. It's a motherfucking king in yellow. She's working with this cult

and they are kidnapping people, murdering people, and using their blood to power gateways to the world where Haster resides. They're doing so using these ancient monuments in town known as the Star Stelae. You've learned that these stelae have been around

since before the dawn of man, basically. That multiple trios of these monuments were placed on Galarian eons ago by aliens, basically. Worse. Worse. Three of them are in this town of Threshmore. Now, the people that you've talked to say, no, there's only two of these monuments,

but you realize that the third one must exist, and you triangulate its location to somewhere on the grounds of the Count's estate at Iris Hill. You break into the grounds and face off against cultists and these cannibal warriors in cahoots with the cult.

One member of your party, this shitty rat folk wizard named Atticus or something. Let it go, man. He stupidly opens a trapped ledger that freezes him in amber. He's trapped for a week, but his luck would have it. You meet two thieving halflings outside and they conveniently join the party in his absence. thieving halflings outside and they conveniently join the party in his absence. So finally, Aldo,

Halster, Sir Julie, and your new halfling companions, Bungleby and Bigby. Bigby! Bigby! The five of you break into the estate where you're met by three

cultists of Hastur who launch a sneak attack from invisibility. Bungleby is so frightened he has a heart attack and shits himself. That's what happened. Thankfully in Dallas, Big Peace steps up

in his absence and delivers. You defeat the cultists but in the next room, you're almost killed by this interdimensional creature known as a Hound of Tyndallos. You barely survive its vicious attacks and ripping gaze,

but you come out on top. You start exploring this entry room to Iris Hill. You find several paintings of previous counts, marble busts of prominent family members, all of the Lowell's busts suspiciously smashed against the floor, old pictures of the settling of Threshmore with those star stelae still in the background,

several strange eldritch monster sculptures and curios, several strange eldritch monster sculptures and curios and a picture of Count Liles himself as a child with a look of absolute terror on his face due to the cat that was forcibly placed nearby while he posed for the painting. What kind of parents would do that to their child? That messed me up. It's like,

hearing about it again, it's like, that's really fucked up. It's really fucked up. You press on. You press on. And in the next room... It's a big anti-children crowd as well.

Did you hear them laughing about the tortured child? Well, I didn't want to say it. I was like, what kind of parent would do that? And then I was going to say, a Richmond parent. A Richmond parent. Sounds like your classic Richmond parent to me. No, but I wouldn't say that.

We'll come into a town and butter up the audience by saying, hey, did everyone get to drive here on I-95 or whatever? And you come here and you actively alienate

anyone who lives here. To be fair, Skid, that's his general attitude towards everything. That's true. It's worked well so far. I want them to feel like they're at the table with you.

Mission accomplished. I'm as disappointed in you as I am them. But you press on after this fight and after these discoveries and in the next room you find a library full, perhaps, of a ton of useful information and shit. But first, you're going to have to deal with the flying upper torso of a woman flying on bat wings with dripping fangs ready to devour your face.

Let's go to the map, Grant. Let's take a look at this situation. Here's the lovely lady in question. Oh, no. Hope you left the kids at home because I think I see a nipple. Oh. Is that nipple? Let your imagination run wild. Either way, she doesn't look like a candy striper.

She's here for a fight. I will say this. Seeing this naked torso, Bigby shrieks in terror and runs back into the room where Bungle B was but he runs so heedlessly that he slips on the shit

and bumps his head on the table thereby knocking him unconscious thankfully that disgusting ruckus was loud enough to wake Bungleby from his slumber. And Bungleby, you awake to find yourself stuffed into a closet, encased

in a cocoon of shit. Roll for initiative. Roll for initiative! Yeah, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll,

roll, initiative. Yeah, Nick. I will put big P on the poop. Um,

and I will make Bungle be back to his normal size, but you are stuffed in a closet.

I will say this, you are awake, you don't need to move action to climb your way out of this cocoon, but you're far away from the action.

Did you say will need a move action? Won't need a move action. Okay. Okay. Here we go. That's frighteningly generous. Yes. That means this is horrible. It also means, yeah, I don't want to say what else it means. No, say what you want to say. It means I'm going

to do nothing to this creature and be utterly ineffective. I can feel it! Joe, you could be in the room and that would still be true. Yeah, exactly. Is he allowed to take a move action to close the closet door and just stay there? I'll allow it. It's not a bad idea.

This guy's thinking. Shut up. Alright, let's talk a niche. Halster, what do you got? 15. All right, middling. Middling a niche. What about Aldo? Aldo's a lucky recipient of a 20.

Oh, yeah, Aldo! A lot of Aldo fans in the house. Sir Julie. Eight. All that armor. All that armor. That's bad. Yeah, it's pretty terrible.

What about you, Bungleby? 21. Oh, Bungleby. That's right. Richmond Joe Rolls High Initiative. Richmond Joe rolls high initiative. Asking for a friend. What's your initiative? Don't worry about it.

It's eight. Plus eight. Plus eight? Okay. Round one of the first Richmond combat. It is Bungleby Luna's church. Bungleby, you're far away, dude.

5, 10, 15, 20, 20, 20, like 50 feet away from Aldo. Oh, dear. I am, first of all, I'm so excited to be back playing this game with you guys. Yeah. And you guys. Yeah. And you guys.

It's fun. He wakes up. Stop stalling. Ah! Ah! Ah! I'd like not again it's happened again

pushes himself out of the closet, looking around, shit dripping off of his nose. Spitting it out of his mouth. Like Biff from Back to the Future. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Manure! Manure! Looks around.

There's no one in the room. He's looking to see maybe the bodies of his friends. Nothing. Music doesn't seem right. I don't know why. He doesn't see his friends. There's no bodies, no dead bodies. This is promising.

You do see Big P passed out in a pile of shit. Does he? Make him roll perception. Five feet away. Make him roll perception. Yeah. Shut up, Matthew. That's pretty good.

I'll take that. Damn it. 20, bitch. You couldn't roll poorly when the situation demands it? He sees Big P, but sees that he's breathing. Yes. Looks around, sees the open door to his left. What is happening?

And he's going to start moving. Down the hall. And you said it took no move action, right? So I could double move? Sure. All right. He'll double move around. Okay.

He'll just sling the gobs of diarrhea off of his daggers. Terrible. Draw them out. Keep moving. And this is as far as he can get, which is about 10 feet from Aldo. So he's very close. He's just like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

If this happens to me from time to time a halfling covered in shit comes running up the hallway we're surrounded by horrors it is this creature's turn now here's the thing I thought about this all day. I was at a triple crossing earlier.

That's how you warm up a crowd. That's how you butter them up. No, they suck and they know it. I was at triple crossing, and I was thinking, I'm like, should I do this? They're going to get so mad. But initiative sort of worked out in my favor. So this thing flies over to Sir Julie.

No, don't you even think about it. Oh, it's worse than you think because she basically rears back her head. This loud scream comes out. Oh, this is like, players hate this, but I'm trying to kill you, so give me a will save. Every single one of you. Because Bunglebee

walked right into the range. Alright. Grant looks sort of so-so, which means he's got something in the 20s. Oh, me too? Yeah. Shit. You ran right in the range.

Matthew's got that same, I just wrote a play, shit-eating grin on his face. Fuck! I can't read Joe. I refuse to play poker against Joe for that very reason. It's impossible to know. Never take Joe to Vegas.

Let's start with... The bet is to you, sir. I mean, woo-hoo. I mean, woohoo. I mean, oh. What are the odds that giant-faced Irish man has pocket aces? Let's start with Matthew. What's your roll, buddy? 25. Okay.

I didn't even need to ask you because this spell doesn't affect you. But will it affect your friends? Because Sergillia is immune to fear, is that why? Yes. Oh, no. Wait, do you have... Oh, you don't have an aura because of your shitty archetype. About an hour ago, while we were setting up, I leaned over to Matthew and be like,

your aura of courage, does it grant the plus four bonus to your buddies? Or did you take that really selfish archetype where it doesn't, and you're like, selfish archetype? Skip, what's your roll? 19 for elbow. Okay, what about you, Grant? 18. Price is right. Bunglebee?

Natural two. right? Bunglebee? Natural two. That's an adjusted eight. Alright. I wanted this to deliver a little bit more but at least you failed. Everyone else succeeds.

Nice! You are panicked. Oh! You drop your weapon and run back into the room full of shit. Is he capable of shitting himself again, or are your bowels evacuated completely? It's presumed that he continues to shit. This happens to me sometimes. And then...

Throws his daggers into the air. And then turns and runs at full speed. I hate this game. On your turn, you will have to flee from this creature for nine rounds. I wanted to play. This is the problem with the game. You're excited to play with your friends and you don't get to play.

Yeah. He tried so hard to make that flight and he needn't have bothered. That's right. It would be no different. You could have slept in. The show would be no different. Julie, you are immune to fear.

I'm immune to fear. You guys are shaken for one round. Aldo and Halster, this was a fear spell. And Joe, of course, as he always does, fails. Now, this... Ten. Adjusted ten. Just yell numbers at me.

This isn't an auction. If I'm not mistaken, I think it's from the halflings also have a bonus against fear because they're brave. Cool. Still fail. And because this creature has flyby attack,

she will move away and does not provoke because her Julie is flat-footed. That's true. But wait, fly-by attack? That wasn't an attack. You get an extra standard action in fly-by attack, as written in the rules of

the spell. And here's the thing, if anyone disagrees with me, go fuck yourself. This is my game. If anyone disagrees with me, go fuck yourself. This is my game. A lot of fans of self-abuse out there. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I raised my voice.

It is Aldo's turn. Aldo, you are shaken but not stirred. What do you do? Aldo, well, first, I would love to take a photo of the crowd for my dad's magic frame. Yeah, Rick Smudge! Thank you. He's watching right now. Hi, Danny.

Hi, Mr. Marr. Hi. That was a standard action. Would you like to take a move action? Okay. action. Would you like to take a move action? As a... So Aldo is... Okay, so... You can't really see her,

this creature right now. I assume it's a her because of the nipple silhouette. Yes. There you go. So he's going to step back and as a move action, he's going to draw out

his wand of cured medium wounds. Oh. Okay. Interesting. Did you guys forget to heal before you came into this room? I channeled. I channeled for the group I think I got

most everyone except for the one that was passed out covered in shit in the closet. I think I might know what he's cooking here. Alright, that's Aldo's move. It's now Halster's turn. Halster, you're shaken. You're standing directly behind Sir Julie. You could rush into the room and be a hero.

And we discussed a little thing that's going on with my armor right now, which is that it is sundered. Sundered. Minus 3 to AC. It's plus seven normally. We're taking off 3.5. Bumping that down to a minus three. You did, however, prior to this show, say that the magical properties of this armor don't affect. Yes, and now I regret saying that.

Sure did, though. Without looking it up. But that sounds right. Even though it's sundered, it should still retain its magical property. Halster moves in, stares directly at the creature's nipples and says, Bad luck. And the grim blue male, bad luck, minus two against the text. Whoa.

AC, ETC are viewed on this thing right away. Minus two to armor class, Attack rolls. Saving throws. One minute. All right. What kind of an effect is that, Grant? Fucking magic, bro. Okay. What kind of magic?

Let's see. Let me see. Fucking magic, bro. It's probably, it's either abjuration or necromancy. I'm not sure. Not mind affecting or anything like that. Or stunning. It's just bad luck, man. It's just bad luck.

You basically cursed it with Joe. Curse of Joe. The curse of Joe. Good luck booking a flight, you ugly bitch. Wow. Yikes. Sir Julie, you are up. You are immune to fear,

but you are not immune to my jabs. Sir Julie has survived much worse than your jabs. Though, however, she sees Halster walk into the room so confidently, shaking off the shaken condition and marching in and cursing the thing with bad luck. She truly wonders if this might be a great training opportunity. She could just close the door and see what happens.

I think it's the only option. Close the door. We wait nine rounds. Wait nine rounds. And then we all get back in this fight. The three of us. Together! You're right.

This is a classic Charles Xavier danger room situation. Close the door. Wait nine rounds. See what happens when you open the door. This is like a cookbook recipe for grilled house turds. It's like nine rounds in there. He's good and ready to eat. You can play Big P though

when you die. That said, Sir Julie decides not to do that. Okay. Because the danger room always tends to go very wrong. It's true.

They really shouldn't even have a danger room. I think they keep upgrading the technology. Like everything. They're like, oh, let's bring in alien technology to make it work.

Yeah. Okay. Let's just play touch football or something for 45 minutes. Instead of getting alien powers, it's something that's specifically designed to test your exact weaknesses. Anyway, so Julie will charge into the room and take an attack on this creature.

Yeah! All right, so she takes the long way around to provide room for Halster to step up. You slide in and take one single attack. One single attack. Is it corporeal? Joe asked me. What?

Does it appear corporeal? Yeah. Who's asking? Sir Julie. Yeah. You would lie to Sir Julie's face. I don't believe you. It appears corporeal.

It's floating, man. Her fangs are dripping. All right. Roll attack. Power attack. Furious focus. Nat 1, Nat 1, Nat 1, Nat 1, Nat 1. It's a 17.

Natural 6. Oh, AC lower. Miss. Oh. That's a big old miss and a bad, bad move. But it's the top of round two, and it's Bunglebee's turn. Bunglebee drops his dagger. I'll let you narrate the rest.

Ah! Ah! Ah! It's not really explained, you know what I mean? He's not like, no, no, it can't be that thing. He just screams, turns, and runs. Back to his pink feet. Pink feet!

Where'd you get the fucking outfit, man? Which one of them? They've got one. He's babbling. They've got one. The thing, we just met him. babbling. They've got one! The thing, we just met him.

So, what is our incentive to have him continue with us for the rest of this adventure? You recount, like, everything that he's done up to the point since we met. First, we caught him committing a crime. And then he shit himself crazily,

passed out, allowed himself to be cocooned in his own shit, woke up, came in, got frightened by a ghost, and I was going to run away for three minutes. I'm also very concerned about his heart. Right. So I'm saying, Joe, you have to take this into account. You have to figure out a way to endear yourself to this party as a storytelling method. I appreciate that.

And the good thing is I've got two straight hours to just think about it because I have nothing else to do. So I'll let you know in Boston. Hey, Joe, Joe, Joe, could you get me a Diet Coke? Yeah. Thank you, buddy. I'll take a lime. You'll take a lime.

Shut up! I got a fun idea. You run back in there and you yell at this unconscious big B, your buddy, your pal, your fellow D. If you roll above a 60

on a D100, I'll let you play Big B. Oh! Oh! Wow! And the only reason I'm doing this

is because I know you won't roll above a 60. Is it possible that I don't have a D100? All right, come on, Richmond. Give me the juice! Give me the juice! Come on! I want to play! I'm ready.

I'm ready. I rolled a fucking one! On a D100! You did it, Richard! You did it! One! On a D100. You did it, Richmond. You did it. One. On a D100. One is the blue flag.

On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100.

On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100.

On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D100. On a D-100! I wrote a one! Richmond Joe! Richmond Joe! Richmond Joe! Oh my God. You are the worst. I'm still looking at it. I can't believe it. You can keep those dice.

I just heard somebody in the crowd go, he really is the worst. Okay. All right. You are amazing. You tried, Troy. I'll give you that. I gave it to you. You're amazing You tried, Troy I'll give you I gave it to you You're really growing

This thing is going to do a full attack on Sir Julie Andrewson Let me tell you something Sir Julie Tell me something This thing's gonna fuck you up First comes the bite

29 to hit. 27. Whoa. Take that minus two. 27 to hit. It still hits. I tried. Not bad. Five points of damage. Minimum damage. First claw.

Miss with a 15. Second claw, and so help you God if I hit with this claw. Miss with a 15. Second claw, and so help you God if I hit with this claw. Natural two. Yes! Yes! She does multiple attacks and misses on two out of three, which is really, really bad. I'm not going to take a five-foot step

because you guys suck. So it is Aldo's turn. Aldo! Now, he's not shaken anymore, right? No, the shaking was just for one round. Okay, so Bryson himself against He's not shaken anymore, right? No, the shaking was just for one round.

So bracing himself against the other woundly powers of this creature, he comes running into the room, screaming at the top of his lungs, and he swipes at it with the wand of pure moderate wounds. Okay, so you want to try in, assuming it's undead, use pure mod. Okay. Now, wouldn't that provoke, or are you going to roll to avoid provoking? Well,

in the Wrath of the Righteous video game, you activate the wand first, and then you move up and just do a touch attack. Is that true? I can't get a good answer from the crowd. I like it. I think Skid's right.

All right. All right. That's how it works in your hand. I said all right! All right. So you're going to roll the touch, or you just touch? Touch attack. 90- 17.

Oh! Roll your damage. That is 16 points of positive energy damage. Positive energy. So smart. You're going to save, though. You're going to save. I'm going to save. Is that a will You get a save. I get a save.

Is that a will save? Will save. I'll roll it. I'm sure the DC is so high. Staggeringly high. Okay, that is going to be 29. Pretty good. You must be misreading the character.

Yeah, there's no way that's true, but that's half damage. It is. I rolled a natty 19, and I have a plus 10 to my will save. By the way, that's a 27, Troy, because of the grim glue mail. Bad luck. Yeah. Skid is a 27, a pass? Yes.

Minus 8 HP. Aldo and Sir Julie are right up to it. Matthew, you're out of control. You need to control your drinking. He really does. Sir Pacheco, everybody. You're a father, for God's sake. Control yourself, degenerate.

It is Halster's turn. Oh, shit. No longer shaken. No. How long does this gloom shit last on me? One turn. Oh, shit. No longer shaken. No. How long does this gloom shit last? One minute. You're good. Don't worry about it.

Oh, God. Five, ten. It lasts for one round after Jungle P's back in the fight. I don't think I can get in there without incurring an attack of opportunity because of where Aldo stood, right? Yeah, those tables are kind of tricky. You could swing around. I don't know what kind of movement you have, but yeah, you could get in that way. Okay, so I'm going to take one good slash.

Okay. See if I can take a nip off. Here it comes. People like to keep their nips, apparently. In Richmond, that's a 24 to hit Oh yeah That's a hit, has to be That is a hit

14 points of nipple damage What kind of weapon are you using? Oh no Red destiny You hit her with red destiny and she howls in pain like you hit her with two swords. Vulnerable to Slash John? Slash John? Perhaps.

Slash John? Is this a Slash John enemy? Shut up. All right. Good move, Haster. Can I roll a religion roll on this creature? Okay. A knowledge roll?

Okay. Okay. 21. Knowledge, religion. 21, knowledge, religion. Okay, this is a creature known as a... How do I want to pronounce this? Oh, no. No, no, no. No, no, no.

No, no, no. Manangana. That's not right. Manangana. Shut up. Manan... Manangana. Manangana. Manangana. Manangana.

All right! All right! All right. Dude. Monogamous. All right. Are you in a monogamous relationship right now? It is a monogamous. We should be selling out theaters across the country.

Yeah, but we need to bring this crowd with us. Here's what I'll tell you. They are vulnerable to light blades in a way that you did double damage on that attack. Whoa! Hell yeah! However, it also has DR, which ate into that a little bit.

A little lame. A little lame, A little lame. I agree. So when we lost the character that had two daggers, that was a bit of a blow to our ability to... Yeah, it was probably the worst thing

that could have happened to you. It's so much worse. It's so devastating. I was like, oh, it's going to be a corporeal, immune to flanking, immune to sneak attack. Losing me is not a big deal.

And now I got two slashing weapons. Yep. And I can't even play. She is vulnerable to light blades. And it is Sir Julie's turn with her very non-light blade. Yes, my blade is great. It is great. I'm going to do a full attack action on this Renunganol.

Okay, what is it, a minus two to AC with this? Minus two to AC, Troy. All right, power attack. Exactly, natural 20. Yeah! Yeah! Wait, wait, wait. Are you a named character?

Oh, you know my name. To confirm. Natural 16 to confirm. Meet Virginia, Troy. Train fans? You win this round, knight. This blade is great and magical. Joe, do you have a Virginia crit?

I know. Shit. I know I should. This job sucks. We really need to outsource this. Yeah, true. That's fair. That's fair. We really need to outsource this. Yeah. True. That's fair.

That's fair. Very true. Security. Please escort Mr. O'Brien out. Sorry, I don't have one. All right, let's go with Zach in North Carolina. Oh! Hey, Zach.

Zach! All right, Zach. Thanks for coming. Kneel before me. Ooh. Ooh. This might be good. Your overhead blow strikes the enemy with such force, capitalizing in quotes, that they

fall to one knee. Double damage, and they provoke an A-O-O from everyone in range. Hold on, hold on, hold on. A fortitude save, so add that 16 with your attack modifier here. A fortitude save or reflex save, their choice, negates the A-O-O's.

For every leg the enemy has beyond two, they get plus one bonus. He has no legs! No legs! So minus two! Come on! Minus two! Hey, Zach, don't quit your day job.

That crit sucks. That is a good crit. Fail. I failed the crit Yeah Alright so Double damage from Sir Julie And provokes from Halster

From Halster Yeah because Aldo You don't have a A weapon out there I can bop it on the head With my wand Bop it Bop it

Pull it Bop it Pull it Twist it Give me your double damage And you take your attack of opportunity What do it. Twist it. Give me your double damage, and you take your attack of opportunity. What do you want first? I'll take the double damage. I rolled

three sixes on 46. Oh! So that's going to be 46 points of damage. Oh! Oh! Oh! But what about the DR, Troy? What about the DR? Didn't get through the DR.

Take a stupid attack. Bow down before the one you serve. You're going to get a natural two. Damn it. Still up. Sir Julie's not done. Oh. I should say, wait.

I did take an attack of opportunity with the wand. Just like bludgeoning it with a tiny stick. And I rolled a natural one. Oh. Because you did that, you must be punished. I agree. Joe, please give me a magic fumble. Oh, no. That's a melee.

I think it's fair. Boo. Boo this guy. Don't let him talk. Boo. Let me ask you this. Is that a magic wand? No, no.

Boo. A benign wand. If you smack someone in the face with a rifle, you don't go to the emergency room and say you're a gunshot victim. Grant would. I think it's only fair that we look for a

Virginia magic fumble. We don't confirm fumbles with one attack characters. Quit shouting. Yeah, sorry. Joe, why are you entertaining this? Oh, I am entertaining it. Because it's crazy and so fun. All right, this is going to be horrible, whatever it is.

And it's all Troy's fault. Virginia? I'm doing it for the good people of Richmond. I don't have a Virginia, but I do have a South Carolina. Patrick from Aiken, South Carolina. Patrick? Hi, Patrick. Aiken, South Carolina. Patrick. Hi, Patrick. This title, Good Morning What?

Your magical miscue opens your mind to different areas of both time and space. Your mind receives a broadcast of good morning lipglore. Oh, no. Oh, my God. And you are stunned for 1D3 rounds as you laugh at his jokes. Even though you don't get the references, we'll save in the gates. Okay. But it's going to be hard.

It's against her AC. Which is lowered because of Grant's bullshit. And it will be three rounds if you fail. Okay. Uh, fail. No! Aldo is stunned.

Jesus. Three rounds in our made-up rules. You drop everything held. You can't take actions. Minus two penalty to AC, and you lose your dex bonus to AC. Aldo in this group would be the one most likely to get

those jokes. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Because I thought he is from Victorian era Australia, which is a bit closer, referentially. And he's smarter than anyone else in the group.

I agree. Here's my pitch. I think he should get to re-roll the amount of rounds that it is. And take the lower. I think you're right. What do you say, Richmond? You have to acknowledge backstories at some point

Although, I mean, if you're following the logic of what I said If you did roll twice, I would have to take the larger of the two numbers Because I would get the jokes and laugh harder Yeah, Joe, why don't you fuck it up? I forgot what we're talking about If I was a lawyer that's what I your honor

I forgot what we're talking yeah this is very stupid it is Bunglebee's turn it's still my I still have an attack come on

how many attacks do you have two you're just making this shit up as you go along you're a fucking kobold pressed paladin.

Okay. 20. That's a hit. Yes! My beautiful creature. 20 points of damage. Alright. Alright. Hold on. Dead.

Dead. Still up. Kill it. Still up. Finish her. Maybe bypass the DR and we'll talk. But you can't. The weapon is magical. I don't care.

Is it good? Is it silver? I'm good. Joe, it's your turn. It's Bunglebee's turn. Bunglebee is in a world of shit, but I'll allow you another roll. Unfortunately, the odds have changed. You now need to roll over a 70 on the D100 to take control of Big B, Big P, for the rest of this fight.

He's like, he's like, what is wrong with you? We have to go. We have to go now. He's like kicking Big P in the back of the head. Wake up. He's kicking him in the back of the head. Just as hard as he can. Why didn't you wake up before? Why aren't you waking up? Shit, getting into his head wounds.

Wait, did you say 70 or above? Or above 70? 70 or above. What if he rolls a 69? That's going to be awesome. I assume he's going to roll a 69. No, if he rolls a 69, both of them are back in the fight. Come on.

Richmond, here we go. 56. It's one of my favorite numbers. Alright, since I can do nothing else on my turn, I'm begging. I'm trying to get Big P up. I want to get out of here. I'm very scared.

But since I can't actually play the game, I'm going to take a second and thank our community manager Brennan for everything he's done for us tonight. Thank you, Brennan. The man right there. He's the man. He helps us out so much. You guys know him from the Twitch chat. Thank you, Brennan.

He's very strong. He's a very strong man. You may not know to look at him, but he works out. He actually does work out. If you need anything lifted, just let us know. Let's see if Sir Julie will work her way out of this full attack. Actually, I've got

a stunned Aldo. I've got a lame Halster. You know what, Sir Julie? You stay there. I'm going to attack Aldo and Halster. Coward. One, two, three, Aldo. Four, five, six, Halster. Aldo.

No! All right, Aldo. Here comes the bite. Fucking natural two. Okay. Here comes the claw! 27 to hit. That is a hit.

A couple things are going to happen. First, the damage out of the box. Max damage, 12 points of damage. Then she goes to grab you. How with the grabbing. Not a great roll, but I get that plus four bone on the grab. That is going to be a 19 against your CMD. Yeah, I'm grabbed.

I'm grabbed. Oh, boy. Grab. Bet it's going to be a 19 against your CMD. Yeah, I've grabbed. Grabbed. Oh, boy. Let me just read this little note here about when you get the creature drains blood at the end of its turn. Oh, no. If it grapples a foe dealing constitution damage. No! I'll take my final claw attack while grappled, so it's a penalty. Very low chance of hurting you,

but that's still a 23 against your AC. That's a hit. You will now take... Oh, wait! No, yeah, that's a hit. You will now take... Shut up! I... Out of that! Both minus twos? Grappled condition?

Yes, I did! I put shaken on, and then I put stirred. Did you put grappled on and yes I did I put shaken on and then I put stirred did you put grappled on hold on ah you need to add grappled before you tell us that roll total

alright hold on does that matter 23 that's it that's it that's another 11 points of damage okay alright

now here's the bad news. Wait, there's bad news? Yep. You're going to take some con damage. Wait, actually, yeah, con damage. All right. Where's a D4 when you need it? Did you say blood drain?

You take two points of con damage. And you are grappled. And I'm still laughing. You're still laughing. This has to be incredibly funny. For me to continue laughing during this ordeal. You guys really should check out the Good Morning Glyph Corp episode.

It's good. It's so funny. Aldo, it's your turn. You're grappled. You are... It is just... She has linked her claws and her teeth into you, and she's just sucking you dry.

Ha, ha, ha. I can't believe he said that about verses. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, it's true. There is a line dividing the day and night side of that planet, and it's very comical indeed. Ha ha ha ha. I don't remember it on Starfinder lore.

Actually, I don't know. You've blocked it. I blocked it all out. Halster, it's your turn. What's your situation right now? I don't have to be wrapped. Halster, it's your turn. What's your situation right now?

Halster has the knowledge that his blade can deal double the normal amount of damage it does, and he sees his best friend all wrapped up and being exsanguinated by this evil creature. Big round. Big round. Here it comes. Here it comes. All I need is a crit. I just need a crit, Richmond. Come on.

That's a 17 on the die. That's a fucking crit. There just need a crit, Richmond. Come on. That's a 17 on the die. That's a fucking... There you go. Hit! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, come on. If you win the fight...

Goddamn licensing. Play that again. 10 points of damage. 20 total. Doubled to 20. Minus ten. Tendy? Still up.

Oh, come on! You're better than that. It's a big round for Sir Julie here. Yeah. Your turn. What are you going to do? You see this thing is just leeched onto Aldo, and she's clawing, she's got her teeth in his neck,

she's drinking his blood, and he's just laughing maniacally. You are a paragon of good, a paragon of virtue. What do you do, Sergius? I'm just doing a little math, because the other thing I could do is lay on hands, which probably is not subject to DR. And then that bunglebee come in for the kill. But it is.

But they would get the will save. The will save. Better to do a full attack action. Okay, here we go. First attack. 23 to hit. There you go. That is a hit.

Yeah! Okay, 21 points of damage. Hold on, hold on. He's dead. Yeah! It's a duty! Oh, my God! Richmond's own DMX.

I did not... Richmond's own DMX. You've killed this beautiful creature. I did not. Richmond's own DMX. You've killed this beautiful creature. I did not see that coming. Well done, Matthew. I just want to say a quick apology to Cam from Richmond, Virginia. Are you here, Cam? No?

Yes! We did have a magic fumble from Cam, and I missed it. It's the lights, Cam. Have you ever figured out the control F function in a spreadsheet, Joe? Have you ever thought about using that during a show? You know what, Grant? I'm tired of you talking down to me. Okay.

No, it's a question. Well, I was going to take my next useless turn to thank our merch team. Got to thank the merch team. Got to thank the merch team. Guys, thank you so much. Jed! Jada! Thank you, everybody, that helped us all out. Grant, isn't it interesting that there's a control F function on spreadsheets?

I thought that was the end of it, Matthew. Unfortunately, you were not able to rise Big P you see that he has a huge gash on his head that is now filling with shit what have I done? after 54 seconds you come to he pees on the wound

it may help it's shit not a jellyfish right you know the difference between It may help. It's shit, not a jellyfish. Right. You know the difference between shit and a jellyfish. He's panicked. This is the perfect panicked reaction. I'm just going to urinate on anything.

It's perfect. And now it's canon. Because that's what you do when you see your friend unconscious in a pile of shit. You immediately pee on the wounds. You pee the shit off of him. Right. All right, so you're able to create some water, clean him off a little bit. You're able to pee the shit off of the immediate area of the wound,

but he is still out, and then you can come back and join with your new friends. Such a stupid thing that we do. We will never take this game out of middle school. Never. Nor should we. We're so dumb. You're out of initiative though. You're out

of the fight. Out of the comboney. What do you want to do here? We assume that Bungleby has fled the building and press on. He sloshes his way back in less than

a minute later and you notice a small stain starting to grow in his crotch area. How would we notice that? It's the first thing Halster looked at. He's caked in his own shit. Yeah, he's a real mess. But you guys are back.

The team's back together. This is... He picks up his daggers. In the hallway outside. Ashamed. Eyes downcast. She's them. Walks into the room.

I'm very sorry I I lost my cool and I normally don't do that I but I must confess I do have a tendency to collapse

horrific diarrhea it does happen from time to time I do have a tendency to collapse in horrific diarrhea. It does happen from time to time. It is a family disease. A family disease? Like hemophilia but with diarrhea? It's a congenital disorder. It's not Russian royalty.

Has there been a great deal of inbreeding in your family, boy? Yes. That explains it. A family tendency to shit yourself. Well, I think I can safely say, speak for the group, welcome to the team. You have passed the initial audition. same. You have passed the initial audition with flying colors, mate. My clothes smell horrible.

Have you effectively done zero points of damage in the past, what, like four combats? Is that in character or are you just being a jerk to me? I'm just concerned for all the people out there who want to track the data.

Oh, the sabermetrics crowd. The analytics hands out there. I see you. Joe O'Brien, Pathfinder player, is really into the statisticians.

The people that track the numbers. Yeah, no, I've done nothing. I've done nothing of relevance. But we'll get there. Don't worry. One day. One day. I've been in houses like this before, Bungleby.

And I believe that wealthy families often keep a bath upstairs. I suggest that we investigate this room and then head upstairs. That is an excellent idea. And with the Count not home, he should be able to easily use his bathroom.

Yes. Let me give you idiots the flavor text from last show. Fucking dummies. It's a large room with ceiling-high bookshelves that are full to the brim with bound tomes, parchment scrolls, stacks of paper. The shelves are so stuffed that they sag

under the weight of their contents. You see a dozen amber-colored crystal lamps fixed to the walls, and three more lamps stand on two central tables and a desk. There are also stairs leading up. You saw stairs leading up in that room where you fought the cultists of Hastur less or two weeks ago in Dallas.

If you take a second to just kind of look around at the books in here, it seems like they're, for the most part, widely known books on common areas of knowledge. Many of these titles refer to matters within Ustalav, which is the principality where you currently are in. But others detail subjects from throughout the entire inner sea region.

You notice, this jumps out to you right away, several copies of two books written by Lowell's himself stacked in two crates near the fireplace. The first one is called A History of the History of Versex. Versex County is the county

that you're in. And the other one's called The Stars Are Not Among Us. An Undeniable Refutation of the Works of the Doomsaying Pseudo-Scholar Dr. Henri Mirtmain. The key thing to take away from this is like,

these crates are loaded with these books. So clearly they were not bestsellers. They didn't make Oprah's book list. And you remember when talking to Cecilia Renz, that she was like the leader of the sleepless detective agency. She was like, he fancies himself a scholar, but a lot of his works have been derided, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And now you just see stacks. Like if you wrote an autobiography, nobody would buy it. I think we could sell it at the merch table and do pretty well. Right? It would sell as well as the Lork's Gonna Lork shirt. Oh, no.

That sold really well. Oh, no. That sold really well. That one struggled. It sold to be me. It sold so well, I never got one. Yeah. He had trouble selling these books, clearly. You keep looking. And among the more mundane works

that you see are a number of research books regarding dreams and how to manipulate them. You see this over and over again as you're pouring through the stacks, dreams and how to manipulate them. So that seems interesting to some of you. And you start flipping through these books and you see they're dog-eared.

Maybe they've got notes, and you read those. And they seem to all discuss methods by which an individual can choose to appear in someone else's dream. Now, maybe Aldo, this kind of hits home for you, and you're like, oh, I could see that as, you're intelligent, I could see that as being plausible, but it's super far-fetched of hits home for you. Like, oh, I could see that as you're intelligent. I could see that as being plausible.

But it's super far-fetched to the rest of you. I don't know, maybe not Sir Julie. Your mind has been opened. You've seen some shit in the world room. I've seen some shit. Some very recently. Some very recently. In this house.

So maybe it doesn't sound that crazy. But the books over and over again are focused on appearing in other people's dreams. And one even includes an overview of the dreamlands. And this one seems to have the most notations on it. So you see notes scribbled all over these marked pages. And it seems that they're notes by Lowell himself, indicating that he was using dreams

as a method of research wherein he would project his consciousness into the dreamlands to meet with people and creatures there. So it's like Zoom for the dreamlands. Yeah. One such figure is someone he refers to over and over again as the

mad poet and the mad poet evidently offered to show him the way to a forgotten city in return for sacrificing his assistant's mines. Oh, okay.

Oh. You keep looking around, digging around here now that you're not in combat, and you see these crates that are nearby the crates with all of his shitty books. And on top of one of these crates

is an envelope with a letter signed by someone named Myacnean Mun. You saw his name in the other room where you found all those alchemical receipts. Well, here the name is, again, apparently accompanying a delivery of alchemical goods.

Aldo, this is right up your alley. Oh, yeah. In the letter, evidently answering a question posed by Laos, Munn writes, and I quote, It seems the mad poet you met in your dream journey was right. The book you seek, the Necronomicon. Oh, shit! Oh, the mad, oh, Abdul Alhazicon. Oh, shit! Oh, the mad... Oh, Abdul Alhazred!

Oh, no! The Necronomicon is located in a special collection called the Mysterium in the Kadiran city of Kthir. Fuck yeah! What? Fuck yeah! This is awesome! This is so fucking cool dude you don't even know

we're gonna have so much fun over the next year i cannot believe you just said that fucking shit this is amazing he says although it is written in ne, if you can find a way to retrieve it and bring it to me, I can certainly help you translate it and research it. I look forward to seeing you again, my old friend. I can't believe this. This is so cool. I'm so fucking psyched right now. It's all a storm. It's all a score.

Well. That's all I got. Skid's got some explaining to do. Oh, wait. It's time for Nerdish. Okay. Yeah. Nerd.

Skid's got some explaining to do. It's time for the nerdish. So, in the Cthulhu mythos, the Necronomicon is the source of a lot of this elder mythos knowledge written by the mad Arab, Abdul Alhazred. And the fact that it exists in this world is fucking awesome it's so cool comes up a lot it does yes

yeah so you know that Lahls was looking for this book and his buddy my acne and mun is going to help him translate it when he finds it. After talking to the mad poet who he's meeting in his dreams. Can we do a knowledge check on the mad poet? Sure.

What is a knowledge you don't have? Knowledge unawesomeness? Roll that No uh You could do Knowledge planes Knowledge history I'll do both of those I'll do planes

Crackdown Sir Julia has no idea Eleven That's what I rolled Damn it Crackdown. Sir Julia has no idea. 11? That's what I rolled. Damn it. Aldo rolled a 22, knowledge history. How do you like them apples? It doesn't sound completely unfamiliar to you,

but you feel like you read about something pertaining to someone named the Mad Poet who lived hundreds and hundreds of years ago. So if Laos has a connection with this person, and is doing it in the Dreamlands, this is some dangerous shit. My magic hat is telling me something very, very strange and disturbing.

What? This is an ancient person. Ancient? Their continued existence is terrifying to me. All the more terrifying because of my increased intellect. Far above yours or anyone else in this group.

Perhaps Big P might give you a run for your money. Well, who's to say? Who's to say? He is covered in urine and shit in the other room. You'll surely be dead of sepsis in the next few minutes. Oh, he'll be fine. Did anyone notice any verse from this mad poet? And he's frantically looking through the books.

Did Laos transcribe anything of the mad poet's works? He's looking through the books to see if there's anything that's quoted from the mad poet, or if it's always just referred to as, you know, something far away or advice or whatever, or if there's always just referred to as something far away or advice or whatever, or if there's actual verse. Oh, Bungleby, I didn't know you were interested in poetry. I thought you were just here to rob the house blind.

That's strange. The two are not mutually exclusive. You steal poetry as well. One can have an appreciation for art and also know where the value in that art lies. Oh, yes. So, yes, I would like to know if there is any actual verse from this poet. Because well-done poetry is quite hard to find in Galerian. Sense motive. The street value of awesome poetry is off the charts.

25. 25. 25. Fuck you, Grant. Yeah! Yeah! You get the sense that his motive is to identify possible rare and maybe, yeah, just rare verse to steal. Rare metric feet.

He has no interest in the actual substance. No, I'm sorry. He does have interest in the actual substance. No, I'm sorry. He does have interest in the actual substance. He appreciates it, but he also is looking to steal it and take it out of here to sell. Troy looked at Twitter while we were talking. Yeah, when you guys role play, I do other stuff. Is there any art on the walls in this room? The Knicks are up.

Oh, what? What? Are there any more paintings in this room? No paintings in this room. Stop looking at my shit, Grant. You do find more of Lyle's journals that really detail his excursion to the Dreamlands.

It was this whole occult ritual that he did. And it seems like he took people with him. It's crazy is this could this is there any way to know if this hat would have any kind of material

connection to the Anerogens if there's any kind of like similarity with the kind of magic used or the methods well what you know of the Onerians is they were like sacrificed people that underwent a ritual

from the reading of that book, The Chain of Knights, that Laos was obsessed with, that they basically created, their bodies were sacrificed to create a portal to the dreamlands. Yeah, and I believe that was against their will. I'm saying.

Let me talk about Skid. A conversation with Troy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry. I apologize. He's very uncouth. I apologize to my uncouth friend. Please continue.

Now I forgot what I was saying. No. You know, Liles was obsessed with this chain of knights, so it's very possible he tried similar rituals to get there. Now, what happened at the asylum was the use of onerogens. Maybe he was able to find something a little less uncouth to do on his own time. So the onerogens might have represented an early experiment in this. Perhaps.

might have represented an early experiment in this. Perhaps. Or maybe the Tatterman snuck through so much to the other side that he started to control it and he let it get out of control. You know, you just don't know, but you know that Liles is obsessed with this and now you know that he was actually experimenting with going to the Dreamlands. What do you want to say?

Wasn't he probably sourcing these potions from the druid to like put these people to sleep to take it seems like you didn't show up last week but it seems like there's a man named my acne and mun

who is providing him with the drugs that he needs to do this you're talking like he slept in or something maybe next time show up when we do a show Fighting him with the drugs that he needs to do this. You're talking like he slept in or something. Maybe next time show up when we do a show. I succumb to a worldwide pandemic. Give me a break. Always an excuse with this dad.

Always an excuse. All right. Let's go kill something. What else do you want to do in this room? If anything, otherwise, your options are there are stairs going up in this room. There's also stairs going up in that shit piss room to the north. Don't go in there. Don't go in there.

Poor Bigby. Don't go in there. Let's do this room. Does anyone hurt? I want to make sure everyone's up to speed. I'm very badly hurt, actually. I'm hurt a little. But I'm still laughing because that joke that I heard. It was so funny.

You get healed for 18 points of healing. Do you need more? Beautiful. That is almost enough. All right, I'll heal you one more time, and I'll whisper in your ear. I could take a little bit, Grant. Ooh, okay. This is all from the wand, by the way.

This is not pre-healing. Mm. While they're healing, I'm going to take 20 on the room with a perception just looking for secrets, secret latches, secret hidden safes, vaults of cash? Vaults of cash. Vaults of cash.

Vaults of cash. All right, so. Under the rug. Well, it's interesting that you look under the rug. Because as you're searching the room, you go over to that rug and you notice a little outline that seems like a square kind of lifting the rug up in one

portion. What? What's this? And you move the rug and you see a trap door. Oh! Juicy! Oh! And the rug says you have found the secret to Iris Hill

young halfling Master Rug I will grant you one wish I wish for a bottle cap No! No! And the rug flies away

You're full of shit, rug. What did you say? The rug grows inside. Roll for initiative. Oh, no! I am the mad poet. I am the mad poet. I am the mad poet. I will not be happy until I cover the world.

Ooh, I will... Ooh, this is good. I will examine the trapdoor. All right. Bunglebee goes over to this trapdoor and begins to look. This sounds dumb, but I will check the trapdoor for traps. 36. 36.

Oh! Woo! Woo! Woo! That is a good check You're looking and you're like It doesn't look trapped But what is that behind Sir Julie

Because at that moment An apparition Appears directly Behind Sir Julie And she says Stay out of our crypts! And she looks like this!

Oh! The projection of the lady that was talking to us earlier! Roll for initiative! No! No! Oh! Roll for initiative! Oh, come on!

Way to go, Bunglebee. There's tentacles coming out of her belly. There are tentacles coming out of her belly. You face the same apparition in the streets of Threshold. The projection. That's right. Yes, she seemed to be a projection from somebody else. She is nasty and she's right to the north.

Upster Julie. Is she still on the GM layer? She is now. She's on the toke layer. Bungleby, what's your roll? God. Natural freaking four. Total?

That is a 12. Terrible? Terrible. Aldo? Total? That is a 12. Terrible? Terrible. Aldo? That'll be a 24 total for Aldo Gizmiel. Very, very good. Halster?

17. Sir Julie? 20. All right. Aldo, maybe you look over and you see this happening and have a chance to react before shit goes down. What do you do? Aldo, still holding the moderate wounds wand in his hand, is going to ride this flying carpet.

Come with me, sir. I will take you to a land far from here. That is a tempting offer, Mr. Ruggs. I can show you the world. Shining, shivering, splendid. Don't you dare close your eyes. Don't you dare close your eyes. Come jump onto my fabric.

I've never heard the song from the perspective of the rug. That's very good, Troy. That's very good Troy That would have been a much better movie, I think It's just a rug And we get to know the rug really well I know it likes to be stepped on Step on me, you dirty boy Step on me After you get on top of me, please spit on me

Don't ask why And tell me I'm a pig Yeah You're a dirty rug But it's also really good at improv Just spit on me. Don't ask why. And tell me I'm a pig. You're a dirty rug. But it's also really good at improv. Someone needs to shake you out. Right on me. I'm a rug.

I'm just like Tommy Faye Baker in some way. Spit on me and stamp in the general direction of where my genitals would be. Don't ask questions, Alchemist. We are all over the place with this bit. I'm sorry, what are you doing? Stop listening. All right, he's going to ignore the rugs. Come on. And he's going to move around the table with the wand out,

still laughing about one of Roger Glypgore's jokes. Troy, why don't you, speaking of him, why don't you tell us one of Glypgore's jokes Why don't you, Troy, why don't you speak of him, bro? Why don't you tell us one of Glypgors' jokes that Aldo was laughing at. Glypgors! Glypgors! Glypgors! Glypgors! Glypgors! Glypgors! I hate crossing genres,

you know that. He hates it. He wants no show to touch another show on the network. Did you hear about this one? Did you hear about this one? Did you hear about this one? I got nothing.

Give me... I'll come up with something by the end of the show. All right. What do you do? Are you going with a rug or are you attacking the woman? No, he goes, no rug, no. I will not be seduced by your schemes. And he runs around the table

and he's going to do another attempt at a cure moderate wounds with the wand on this ghost. Okay, okay. That is a 12 against touch AC. Okay, this is an incorporeal creature. You know that, you've fought it before.

12 against touch AC is not enough to hit. So you just stick the wand and it goes right through her. And you see she's got these tentacles growing out of her stomach. Her arms have started to change. She's got her face

is melting. It's a real scene, man. She's got boils coming out of her backside. You step up and miss. And it is Sir Julie's turn. Sir Julie, you're now, no, you're not flanking, but you're right next to

this woman. What do you do? Can I stand on this square? Sure. Great. Sir Julie will take a five-foot step to flank. And you immediately fall. That's why I asked if I could stand on the square. You can, but you fall straight to your death. Can I stand on the square or not?

Well, no. Can I stand on the square safely? Can I safely stand on the square? You didn't ask that. Yes, you can stand on the square safely. All right. Do I recognize her from any of the portraits in the last room? You know what? Good question.

No, they were mostly male portraits of all the male heirs. Typical Lyle's dynasty. But you do recognize her from fighting her in the town. She was dealing out some severe charisma damage, if you remember. I remember. It made Sir Julie a little bit less likable. Sure did. I'm going to do a full attack action. Okay.

Power attack, furious focus, first attack. Natural three. Oh, no! Come on! Are you sure furious focus was on? Yeah. It didn't affect my dice roll. Okay, second attack, 14. Keep going.

That's all my attacks. Oh, it's too bad. Oh, wait, 16. Oh. Still a miss. From the blanking. It is Halster's turn. Halster, what do you do, buddy?

Jesus. Halster can't channel. I would love to channel or do something else, but I've been using it all on healing. I'm actually going to swing around behind Sir Julie and cast protection. Oh, can I stand there safely before I move into that spot? Yes. I'll allow it.

I'm going to cast protection from evil on Sir Julie. Okay. Okay. Sorry. It's a war priest. It's Okay. Okay. Sorry. It's a war priest. It's not that fun. All right. You cast protection.

Blah, blah, blah. It is now her turn. And she reaches out with a hand that starts to turn into like a octopus tentacle

and reaches right through you Sir Julie and you just feel ice cold on your heart against Touch AC natural one yeah

that sounds like a magic fumble. Magic fumble. It certainly does. I believe that is a touch attack. From a magical tentacle. From a magical creature. Let's poll the audience. Should it be a regular fumble?

Should it be a regular fumble? Should it be a magical fumble? If only we had one written by someone in the audience right now. If you... Do you have one local? All right, read the local fumble. All right! Now, a little bit of backstory.

I vet these and I kind of change them around when they're just ridiculous. This is the first completely unvetted

magic fumble I've ever read. I hope that bodes well for us. So feel free to change it if you need to. It is called, it's Cam in Richmond, Virginia. Hi, Cam. It is called Wild Magic.

Something about your casting tentacle touch attack. Has gone awry. Roll a percentile die. Oh, I love it. That's good. It's like wild magic from D&D. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And then what happens? It all depends on the roll. There's a ton of stuff.

Yeah. Just tell me what you roll and I'll keep it faster. Really milking that 15 bucks a month, Cam. Ha ha ha! 48. 48. 48 48 on a 26 to 50 the spell functions like burning hands at the same level

of the spell used randomly determine the direction of a 15 foot cone and deal damage to all targets within the arc as if you had cash burning hands. Cam, I don't care what anybody says about you. You're a cool dude. Oh, no.

Alright, so randomly determine the direction. Here's what I'm going to say. One is Aldo. Two doesn't matter. Three, four doesn't matter. Five, six will hit everyone else. So one hits't matter. Five, six will hit everyone else. So one hits Aldo. Five,

six hits the rest of them. And seven, eight misses too? Seven, eight misses. One second. Cam is shaking his head. Cam, is it because we read it wrong or because you're upset at what's happening? Cam forgot how bad it was for the recording. I appreciate your honesty, Cam. Alright, so I want a 1, a 5, or a 6.

That's a great 5. A 1, a 5, or a 6, and a D8. I'll roll it here so you can see it. With your big, stupid eyes. It's a 3. Yeah! Cam! Cam! Cam! Cam! Care, care, care, care So a cone of burning hands fires off harmlessly Boom, right through the wall

And sets off a blazing inferno of the house Yes, begins burning down the house She wants to protect the family's great world She burned down the family There She wants to protect the family's great world. She burned down the family. There is now a home ticking clock. A stench of burning diarrhea and urine fills the air. What's wrong with us?

Hold on. Let me just put the fire there real quick. There it is. Alright, the building's burning down. Well, that was a shit turn. Speaking of shit turns, Bungleby, you're up. Damn it.

His first attack turn in over a year. It's the first attack of 2022 for Joe. Don't blow it. All right. I'm going to just try something here. You are useless in this encounter.

I know. So in the Bungleby short history of uselessness and self-preservation, I'm going to move action, draw out a potion, and then I'm going to drink a potion of hide from undead. Oh! Interesting. So not unlike Aldo, you're assuming she's undead. Oh! Interesting. So not unlike Aldo, you're assuming she's undead.

Oh, right. I'm assuming this ghostly apparition is undead. Yes, I am assuming that. Okay. That is what you do. It now goes to the next round. We'll call it round two.

And it's Aldo's turn. All right. With the spell having been precast on this wand, waving it around wildly, he will attempt to strike the ghost again with this wand. Okay. As a touch attack. Misses again.

Still laughing. Do you have that joke ready yet? No, I forgot about it. I'll think of something. Sir Julie, let me ask you this. You're poorly built. Does charisma matter to your build? No.

No. It's all wisdom. It's all wisdom. It's all wisdom. Just like you. I'm going to take two attacks. No charisma. Just like Matthew. When I think of you, it's all wisdom.

No charisma. All right, first attack. Power attack, curious focus. That's going to be a 25 to hit. Ooh, that's a hit. You got a plus one greatsword against this incorporeal creature. 18 points of damage. Ooh, that does a little damage.

I'll allow a little damage to go through once I remove the DR and then cut it in half. Ow! Alright, second attack. 21 to hit. Yeah, that'll do as well, Sir Julie. Chip, chip, chipping away. Okay, 20 points of damage.

Take a little DR away. Ow, she says again. Mocking you. Ow! Does she want to be stepped on too? Take a little ZR away. Ow, she says again. Mocking you. Ow. Ow. Does she want to be stepped on too? She says, ow. Ooh.

It hurts. We'll get back to the story of that rug later. It is Halster's turn. Halster, what do you do? He's going to take a five-foot step directly next to the apparition and reach out and touch it with a blessing. Is it undead? Well, I don't know.

Is it undead? What? I don't know. Who am I to know? How would I know? I, uh... It's a spirit, right? Right.

Come on, man. It's basically, it has the incorporeal subtype. It doesn't have the undead subtype. So while it should be, what do you run? What? Is it undead? Who said that? Speak up!

Is it undead? Do you think it's undead, this projection? How many people have run this? Is it undead? Do you think this projection is undead, this projection? How many people have run this? Is it undead? You think this projection is undead? What's your name? Randy, get out. Alright, I'll allow it, because Randy. Yeah!

Yeah! If that's your real name, then it's undead. This supernatural ability does not provoke attacks of opportunity and will stagger the creature for three rounds. Oh! Gentle rest touches its lip.

Rest. Is it automatic or do you have to roll to hit? It's automatic. So you hit her. It's a melee touch attack. I do have to roll. Yeah, come on. Even Randy knew that. 18 on the die, go fuck

yourself. So describe to me what you do. You reach out and what do you say to her? Because she looks like she's in pain too. She looked that way when she attacked you in the square. What do you say to her? I'll shuffle you to Farazma Spiral soon enough and you'll attacked you in the square. What do you say to her? I'll shuffle you to Farazma Spiral soon enough

and you'll be sorted in the next life. This is not where you belong. And then he touches her lower lip and brings the finger back to his arm. Wow. Very sensual attack there. That's awesome. Yeah, the rug's like... Take her to the rug. The rug's like, hey, hey, what's your name? sensual attack there. That's awesome.

Take her to the rug. The rug's like, hey, what's your name? I'm Halster and I like to party. You into rugs? You into rugging? What's rugging? That sounds sexy. Alright, so she is in,

she's basically stunned, or what is she? Staggered. Staggered. Okay, okay. Do you want me to read you the staggered condition? No, no, it's her turn, and that was very disturbing, both to her and to the audience.

And so after you touch her like that, she's like, no, no, no, no, no. And she rises up and heads towards the ceiling. Oh, no. Provoking attacks of opportunity from all of you except Bungleveed. Oh, great. And that is all she can do is staggered. One single move. That's it. And she starts floating up towards the ceiling. No. Oh, great. And that is all she can do is staggered. One single move, actually. That's it.

And she starts floating up towards the ceiling. No, no, no! That is a hit with a 23, and it will deal 15 points of damage. Stella, still there. What about you, Sir Julie? 17 to hit. Against? 17 to hit? 17 to hit. Against AC. 17 to hit?

17 to hit. Miss. Aldo? 22 against Touch AC. That is a hit. And that is 16 points of positive energy damage. But she gets a save, I bet, right?

Yeah, we'll save failed with a 14. Okay. She's like, no, no, no, no, where is my son? And she disappears.

Yes. The rug comes in. It's like, all right, you guys ready to party? I heard you like to party. Now that that wet rag is gone. Wet rag is so much worse. You guys want to go rug diving?

Have we met before? Sir Julie says. I've met many a rug in my day. What's your name? My name? I'm so glad you asked. It's Ichabod douche nozzle you had the look of a you had the look of a douche nozzle about you

thank you I come from a long line of douche nozzles and I know I know you're all fired up from the heat of battle but let's say we open some wine

I put on some of Douche Nozzle's greatest hits and we just see where the night leads us you're a musician as well leads us. You're a musician as well. I am. I play the rug flute.

It's really just, there's a hole in the rug that I blow out of. It's just a hole that I play. The rug flute. It sounds so dirty. Call it the rug flute I play. The rug flute. It sounds so dirty. Call it the rug flute. Call it the rug flute.

And Sir Julie reaches into her pocket and pulls out a needle and a spool of thread. Want to get wild? Wait. You shouldn't share needles, Sir Julie. That's how disease spreads. There's a clinic down the road that hands out fresh needles.

She pulls out a Bic lighter. It sterilizes the needle. It sterilizes the needle. He starts playing that music from Forrest Gump when Jenny's going to commit suicide. Free Bird starts playing that music from Forrest Gump when Jenny's going to commit suicide. She's a free bird. Free bird starts playing. I'm as free as a bird now.

If I leave here tomorrow. You spend an hour with me, it leaves a mark. And so you have a horrible orgy with Ichabod douche nozzle, the rug.

Now what do you want to do? Four hours later. Four hours later. So I get my spells back, right? Yeah. Is that a knight's right? Yeah, I know. Is that a knight's rest? No, Ichabod is all curled up in the corner smoking a J. You guys are a wild bunch.

He's like Zoolander. he's like Zoolander Sir Julia he's like pass it over here you go alright it's nice should we go down to the crypts

I feel as if we may have more information if we follow the woman we just spoke with but if you want to go to the crypts that's fine I've always followed paragons of good and virtue wherever I went she's definitely trying to keep us from something down she didn't want us to go in the crypt

do you know why? she was leading us upstairs in the last Throws of Grief so Throws of Grief. So, Throws of Grief versus Rogology. Throws of Grief, that's what she does in... We did read how... We read about how... Rog has a name, you know.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Yeah, the only thing I want to keep a note on is she asked for her son, and we read about how... What are you guys talking about? Ichabod says. Can I hang out with you guys?

Hey, Halster, stick your finger in my rug hole. Is that all I can stick in your rug hole? That got weird. You open the rug hole, I'm going to put something in it. Why am I a medium creature now? Joe is so uncomfortable. It's radiating off of him. What's the matter, Joe?

You never played the rug flute? Why are you so opposed to this inter-party rug orgy? I think at this point in the adventure, this is exactly what we all need. My wife has no idea what we do and like I wish I could explain

to her well this rug came to life and everybody fucked it and uh I don't know it was a good time the rug just kept asking for more honey it was so funny. Wish I could explain.

Ichabod Duschnasel the Insatiable. I was just going to say that there was that writing we found earlier. People were accusing a doctor of poisoning his mom. Get off. Joe's really a good one. They were accusing people of poisoning his mom. Lowell's mom died of mysterious circumstances,

and that creature asked for its mom. So that's all. Let's go down to the crypts. Yeah, it's his mother, right? Yeah, that's what I figured. And she said, stay out of my crypts, because that's where all the money is. Yes.

All right, so you have a staircase leading up in the shit room You have a staircase leading up in this room But Once you removed The kibadouche nozzle You were able to find A secret hatch leading down And that's where you want to head

Yeah That's where I want to head Let's go While Big P lays in a pool and that's where you want to head? Yeah. That's where I want to head. Let's go. While Big P lays in a pool of urine and shit. We ask Ichabod to look in on Big P. Be gentle with him. Now you're in it.

I knew you'd warm up to it, Joe. That's right. You can't resist the rug that long. But hey, you can find out why we call him Big P. Let's go to a new map. Oh, new map! Oh, a whole new screen. Oh, shit. Look screen! Oh, shit. Look at this little, tiny space.

Tiny space is scary to me. You guys are all jammed in there. This tiny, little space leading down. I've had a nickel for every time I heard that. You're in a mood tonight, Matthew. Yeah, you are. Real mood. Well,

you meet someone like Ichabod. Changes you. All right. What do you want to do here? It's completely pitch black. A tiny little hallway leading down to a door. Pitch black?

Pitch black. Pitch black. Who has dark vision? Halster reaches out and touches Sir Julie's breastplate. Sir Julie likes it. Sir Julie will radiate light in a 20-foot jawn.

Out of her bosom. As will Bungleby. Bungleby pulls out from his vest pocket a small iron stone. A small iron stone. That he releases into the air and it

It may look. Starts wafting around his head and casts light in a 20 foot radius. An iron torch. Not to be outdone, Joe casts light as well. And I'll go to the door. And it looks like the hallway is full of urine.

It does look like that. It does, actually. Just double down on the urine. All right. He'll go to the door and check it for traps. Okay. 32. It isn't trapped. Big 32 fan over 32. It isn't trapped. Big 32 fan over here.

It isn't trapped. But it does appear to be locked. Is it? My mistress is 32. That's a year I graduated high school. That's the year I graduated high school. I'm very careful with money. I'm very afraid of the times of the Depression coming back.

All right. If it doesn't appear to be trapped, he's going to say, let me work this lock. And he'll pull out his lock picks, and he will take 20 on the lock. Okay. And you pick it to unveil a tiny little room. Kind of looks like maybe a wine cellar. You see the shelves are neatly stacked

with glass and clay bottles, tiny kegs, decanters, mugs, crystal goblets. Ooh. And you see a fine collection of bottled wines, ales, liquors, all look to be of excellent quality. The reserve seems to be mostly intact,

so clearly the Kurus did not get to ransack this room like they did when they ate that horse. We have Ichabod Duschnasel to thank for that development. Yes, he is giving it to Big P. Bunglebee will sneak into the room. Stealthily. Stealthily sneaks into the room. Looking around. There's a door to the north.

To the north! To the north! To the north! To the north! To the north! To the north! He murdered my daughter! He murdered my daughter.

It really is in a mood. This is amazing. This is great. Sorry, I thought we were just quoting our favorite HBO show. He'll check it for traps. Okay. 29. It also appears not to be trapped, but locked.

Take 20 on a disabled device. Clink, clink. Luckily, you've cast light on yourself. And along with the light that Sir Julie's breastplate is shining as well, You see it light up a hallway ahead. And that hallway, shut up, that hallway leads further north. But just to the west, there is a little door. You also see up ahead, about 30 feet ahead or so, that the hallway opens up into

a room, and whereas the hallway itself is dark, you're providing light into the hallway, there is a light source in that room that is shedding light towards you as well. What kind of light? Like dim light? Like a torch? A sconce? It looks like, honestly,

you're a halfling. What do you got, dark vision or low light? Low light. Like dim light, like a torch, a sconce. It looks like, honestly, you're a halfling. What do you got, dark vision or low light? Low light. Low light. I would say you can see that there's like a little lantern on the floor. On the floor. You see that? Yeah.

Oh, no. All right, I'm going to do a perception on the floor in front of me for traps. Do it. That is a 23. And he'll begin walking slowly. Stealthily. Creepily. You don't see any traps. He really comes clanking

behind you. Clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp. You see a little bit more of the room ahead. He's used to working with Big B. He'll keep moving up. He's going to leave that door to the west for a moment and look into this open area. Again, checking for traps as he walks.

Fart. It's a 19. All right, so you walk right past that door and just keep plowing in. Yeah, he wants to see this kind of open room and look around first before he starts futzing with that door Cool You move ahead, past that door

and you see a small room that is wider than it is deep There is that lantern on the floor that is lit and shedding light both into your hallway and to a hallway to the north of this room. But there is a

set of double doors to the west. Big set of double doors. And a hallway leading north that this light still shines into. Quick perception check. First on the lantern from over five feet away.

That is a 26. Just looking at it. It's suspicious. What is this lantern doing here? How is it lit? If nobody's been down here for a long time. Shut up. So the walls of this subterranean hallway are clad with yellow tapestries.

Oh. Oh. Tapestries? And in fact, where are you standing? The King and John. The King and John. That was the original title for this book. The King and John.

Is that the simplest word you've ever forgotten? Yellow? What's that color? John, you know, the King and John. King and John. Where you're standing with your stupid face, you can see that there's tapestries all over the walls, but to the east, one of the tapestries has been completely defaced

with a very faithful representation of a symbol that your party knows about that you may not. It's the symbol of Hastur, the yellow sign. And then the lantern just sits on the floor, shining light deeper to the north and then to the west.

Those double doors calling out your name. How is the lantern lit? Is it a small flame which is burning? Small little flame. Someone had to light it. An eternal flame. All right. Close your eyes.

Though he's drawn a bit by the symbol. This would be cut to the love scene with Ichabod and Big P while the bangles play. Close your eyes. Thank you. Ichabod gently wipes the shit from Big P's face as Big P goes after the rug flute. I want to build a bard that's proficient in rug flute.

Bardic performance. All right. Big P will step into the room. He's going to look back to Sir Jolie and be like, the double doors to the west. Can you pick up the lantern? I'm not touching it. Go ahead, if you'd like.

I'm unsure of its purpose or properties. Ah! Oh, sorry, I moved it. But I wanted to show you that, like, it's kind of cool because you're projecting light, Sir Julie's projecting light, and can you see the light from the lantern as well? Yeah.

So there's like three overlapping circles. I can see it much better than you guys can and Grant can too because he's a fucking cheater. Cheater. Stop looking at my shit, Grant. Stop looking at my shit! You too!

Dumb Irish face. What do you do? He moves to the double doors to the west. And again now he's thinking like, the mother load. It must be behind this door. Checking for traps. Come on, man.

27. Okay. Doesn't appear to be trapped. Bottle cap. We'll check to see if it's locked. It appears to be unlocked. He looks back to Sir Julie. Are you going to come in the room or not?

This is an excellent learning experience for you. I've trained many a night. The room test is all we need. Yeah. Oh, man, you're the worst. Capita Casa. Richmond Joe, can I open the door? I will stealthily attempt to open the door.

What does Sir Julie do? Sir Julie comes into the room. Yeah! A hero! What does Halster do? Halster moves up behind Sir Julie. Yes! I keep an eye on that lantern. Okay. What does Aldo do?

Aldo hangs back a bit in the entry hallway corridor and shielding himself from the inevitable fireball that emerges from this door. Vilecap! Vilecap! Cat.

Yeah, did we check the lantern for traps? No. I did a perception check on it. You did a perception. You didn't see anything. From behind Aldo, you hear a sound. Wait. When I try to open the door?

It's Ichabod Duschnasel. Oh, no. Where'd you go, baby? He says, hey, hey. I fucked your friend. And then he just leaves. But Bungleby... I don't really know him. Hey. Hey. Bungleby I don't really know him hey hey

Bungleby hey I don't really know him were you pleased text Jared right now and just write yeah you got

you got fucked by a rug how did how did Richmond go with just a picture of the whole room cheering you got fucked by a rug fucked by a rug How did Richmond go? With just a picture of the whole room cheering. You got fucked by a rug. Fucked by a rug.

And you liked it. Best show ever. Best show ever. All right. I stealthily open the door. Attempt. You stealthily open the door. And this is what you see.

Oh, baby. Oh, come on. I mean, holy shit. I'll reveal the room see. Oh, baby. Come on. I mean, holy shit. I'll reveal the room first. Oh, my God. Oh, no, no, no. Look at this action. Oh, my God. So, oh, man.

Randy knows what's up. Randy is shaking with anticipation. He's literally convulsing. Randy's trying to hold on to his rug flute while I lay out some flavor text. This elongated subterranean hall is decorated throughout

with finely wrought phrasmin symbols. Go, go, go, go, go. Which culminate in a seven foot high bas-relief of the goddess's face

on the south wall. Dude, this is awesome. The surfaces of the walls are riddled with burial recesses, each with an urn inside. Don't go to the crypts, she said. Along the walls also sit seven sarcophagi, four sealed and three uncovered. There are also piles of ashes and bones strewn about the room. To the north, lying atop one of these sealed sarcophagi, is a human corpse dressed in the unmistakable outfit of a royal accuser. Oh my god!

Standing over the body is a figure feminine in features but face is covered she's holding a bizarre device over the body it's almost as if she's trying to ask

questions of the corpse with this strange device. But you open the door. Speak with John. Bungle pig. Thereby interrupting, speak with John. It's John. How is John?

And she stops. I stealthily opened it. Yeah. Not stealthily enough. I didn't roll. That's where you failed. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. My perception check beat your non-roll.

I'd like I'm taking crazy pills. My perception check beat your non-roll. I'd like to roll. The figure pulls the device down, turns towards you, and rather matter-of-factly says, You have made a grave mistake in coming here. Laos should have finished the job of sacrificing you instead of sending you to that dark door.

You will not interfere with Mellicen's work any longer. And the shroud covering her face begins to fall and you see this otherworldly

creature rush towards Bungleby and attack! And we'll see you in Boston. No! Oh no! I couldn't do it! I couldn't do it!

Where's Ichabod? Where's old douche nozzle? There he is! Oh my god! Thank you, Richmond! Oh, my God. Should we come back? Alright, we'll cut now.