The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 37 – Powers in the Attic

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

The boys returned to the home of Praise Log! for an unexpected and thrilling conclusion to Book 3 of Strange Aeons! Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Grant Berger and Matthew Capodicasa as they tour the country playing the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Pathfinder Adventure Path. Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/KLObQjypS9Q Recap 16:00 Gameplay 21:48 For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com and for exclusive content and benefits, subscribe today at patreon.com/glasscannon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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It's made with pH-balancing minerals and crafted with skin-conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Oh All of this for a podcast about gaming. You guys are the fucking best. What's going on, Portland? What's going on, Portland? If they decide to kill us tonight,

they'll do it in seconds. Seconds. We will have no warning. They'll swarm over us. Also, I thought the podcast was about friendship. Well. How is everybody doing tonight?

This is insane. I'm like, taken aback? I know, I really am. Fire codes be damned. Everybody Google coconut grove when you have a second. This is how I like my crowds. Oversold and over-served.

Yeah! Oh, man. I remember how excited I was the first time I was to visit Portland. That was back in 2017, I think. This is my third time coming here now. Skid and I came in, it was 2017. We came for the second GCP West, which was one of the first fan gatherings of the nation. Who was there at that?

Good people. which was one of the first fan gatherings of the nation. Who was there at that? The people? And then came back in 2019 when we did the fifth ever Glass Cannon Live at the Mission Theater. That is where Praise Log began. That's Praise Log.

May all your logs be smooth. We got a lot of logs here tonight. Yeah, this is so appropriate. I didn't even think of it. This was the sacrifice necessary to bring us back they built us a church they did this is awesome one worthy of our religion and uh and now this is my third time here in 2022 and having seen this city change a little bit over the course of my three visits, it reminds me of one of those time-lapse videos

of the decomposition of an animal carcass. Have you seen these? It's where they like, they take like a corpse of a pig and they show it and fast forward like flies eating it and the bones just turning to dust in the sun. That's what I think of now here on my third visit.

What the hell did you lawless hippies do to this place? Looks like a Call of Duty multiplayer map out there. My uncle, who was at the last show, refused to come to this show because he's afraid. Well, I was walking around last night, and I imagine that imagined what it was like to walk around Pompeii after Vesuvius blew. Except the volcano here just exploded tense

and aggressive homeless. Instead of lava. I did see a lot of people in the park today in that Pompeii sort of side, sleepy... Yep. And I was like, I'm not sure if they're alive, but I'm just going to keep jogging. I just want to be clear.

You guys understand Pompeii was a volcano, right? That murdered an entire city by covering them with molten hot ash? I know what I said. Is this too soon for you, Matthew? Is this too soon? A little sensitive about Pompeii? Any family members of the people of Pompeii?

Think about those. Sorry. No one was sleeping. It didn't cause the people of Pompeii to fall asleep. It wasn't some sort of slumber. This isn't your monologue! Your monologue needs a fact check. Fact check fans in the audience. Fact check check. Fact check fans in the audience.

Fact check fans. You guys know it's okay to have laws, right? You misfits can't govern yourselves. It's a weird town. This used to be a tourist destination. The people say, honey, what should we do? We don't have a lot of money this year. Should we go to Portland or Guantanamo Bay

well honey one is a refugee detention center and the other is Guantanamo Bay boom it's a tough choice oh but Troy Troy we have Powell's Books. Have you seen our famous bookstore?

Oh! Oh! So your hollowed-out war zone has a bookstore. Cool, I have a famous bookstore in my living room. It's called Amazon.com. Yep. No? It's great.

The books are cheaper, and drifters don't wander into my bathroom to need luck. It's way better. I like my bookstore better than your bookstore. We've all been really excited about this monologue. Yeah. No, no. We did, been really excited about this monologue. Yeah. No, no.

We did, we had before, we were like, you know, it is possible to come to a city and not shit on it. Yeah. No, I'm kidding. Your dying city is great. I appreciate you taking a break from getting tattoos to come out here tonight. It's very kind of you. Very sweet.

Once you start, you can't stop. Now I'd like to introduce you to four men who are exactly like Portland. Because they're disappointing once you meet them. Disappointing once you meet them. First up, coming in at 4 feet 11 inches. And 85 pounds, 20 of which is body hair.

Here's our resident halfling bard. Give it up for Matthew Cavanaugh! Give it up for Matthew Cavanaugh! Give it up for Matthew Capitacasa! Capitacasa! Oh my god! Go on! I'll have you know I checked my facts for those numbers I wish they were true How is dad life treating you? I wish those numbers were true It's going great

I've given up on personal self esteem and worth That's how it's supposed to happen, right? You find happiness on the other side of your own joy. Is your daughter old enough to roll her eyes when you tell her you're a playwright? But father, what will we do for food? How will mama and papa feed me? We shall burn the scripts of my plays for food. How will mama and papa feed me? We shall burn the scripts

of my plays for warmth. The unfinished scripts. Gather round the pages. Next up is someone who missed last month's show due to COVID. Yeah. Two shows. Are you guys rooting for COVID in this situation?

It's like a pro-COVID crowd. Big COVID crowd, yeah. But thankfully, due to some experimental drugs they use on elephants, he is recovered. Sadly, we didn't have an excuse not to bring him this time. Give it up for Grant Berger! Berger! Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant.

Berger! Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant. Grant. Thank you. Thank you. Grant and Matthew and I flew on the same plane together yesterday and I was walking up the aisle and I saw Grant sitting in a middle seat in coach.

Oh, no. And you looked like someone was stuffing three hot dogs into one bun. It was just, you looked so uncomfortable. And I felt like it, too. Matthew offered me the aisle seat many times, but I felt like I couldn't take any more away from him than you've already stolen

all true I like this town though it's been great I've been over two bridges the time I've been here I think there's 20 more is that how many? big bridge town we saw the submarine this morning

we did see a submarine what is this story nukes right? Big Bridgetown. Big Bridgetown. We saw the submarine this morning. We did see a submarine. What is this story? Oh, we can't ask. Yeah. Nukes, right? Is that why no one? Okay, got it.

Well, next up is a man who is right at home here in Portland because he's a weirdo that lives in a tent in Grant's backyard. Give it up for Skidmore! Have you heard of this guy? Do you know Skid? Skidmore! Skidmore! Skidmore! Skid!

Skid! Skid! Skid, you old draft dodger! How are you, buddy? I'm good. I feel like I'm in the home, the original home of the draft dodgers. I actually, I do like Portland a lot. I've been coming here since I was a little kid,

and this town is great. I do, however, feel some sort of residual embarrassment because I see a gentleman in the front row who's wearing the exact same shirt as Matthew. Yes. Ooh. Awkward. Nice shirt, sir.

He has not finished off the ensemble look with a pretentious blazer. Get this man a pretentious blazer. Get this man a pretentious blazer. Sir, perhaps you'd be more comfortable in this. Like it's the Friars Club. You need a jacket if you're going to wear that shirt in here.

Finally is a specimen that we'll call, for argument's sake, a man. His workout regimen since arriving in town has been powerlifting voodoo donuts into his Easter Island-like head. He's got a big head. Say what you will about this man,

but he has the biggest heart of anyone in the Glass Cannon Network. And I mean that literally. It's got to be huge. From years of putting cheese and ketchup on everything. You don't need that on birthday cake. Give it up for Portland Joe! Portland Joe! Portland Joe! Portland Joe! Portland Joe!

Portland Joe! Portland Joe! Portland Joe! Man, this crowd is fired up! Oh, pumping right into my veins. I can feel it in my feelings. I know. I'm like, I'm going to get out of hand tonight, I think.

This is bad. This is bad. How does Portland Joe get out of hand as opposed to other kinds of Joe? Well, you know, it's louder. This definitely, I'm telling you, there's something creepy about the amount of people packed in here. Like I'm starting to get like a mob mentality. I'm like, let's knock something down. Let's burn a car.

We should light a car on fire. We really should make our own city. I think we could do it. I think we could too. But we have to start by taking over another city. Now we have the army to do it. I think we could too. But we have to start by taking over another city. Now we have the army to do it. Here we come, Eugene. Yeah, that's right.

Watch your back, Astoria. Look out, the other Vancouver. We're gonna cross state lines. I, uh... I've been up since 5.40 a.m. because I'm still on New York time,

so I just feel like my soul is leaking out of my asshole. Yeah. I just feel horrible. For us, this show is beginning at 11.15 p.m. Yeah. It's really weird. I forgot to say goodnight to my wife. She went to bed hours ago

but I Joe and I went out last night and we ate 20 pounds of sushi and had 300 beers and so during my 4 hours of sleep I had some weird dreams I did too really fucking weird dreams but I woke up

at 5.40 and stupidly I went to my phone and once I go to my phone I'm like it's over because that like activates my brain but the reason I did that is because I had a dream that ended on a very strange line that for some reason I thought might be funny to analyze tonight oh god

so the end of the dream was I was talking to some man in a suit he was like maybe a James Bond type guy. And I wrote this down on my phone because it's so fucking ridiculous. Because I woke up and I know that the last thing I said to him was, where is it? The sausage and murder party makes my white whistle blow. That was...

Let's dig into this. That was his Manchurian Canada trigger phrase. Is it a... Let's really dig into this. Is it a sausage party and a murder party? Wait, read it again. The sausage and murder party makes my white whistle blow. The sausage and murder party makes my white whistle blow.

It sounds like it's a sausage and murder party combo, not separate events. Right. I agree. It's a combo party. It's a combo party. It's a bunch of murderous dudes. Are they serving sausages and murder? I mean, what's the... The only thing on the menu is sausage and murder.

Murder. Was it a murder mystery sausage party? I don't know. And what is my white whistle? Does the sausage cause the murder? Are they like poisonous sausages? You know, I don't know. I really want to figure this out.

So I just woke up and I was like, sausage and murder party makes my white whistle blow. Fun drive all over again. Talk amongst your friends. Let's figure, this is going to be the whole show tonight. I really want to figure this out. Let's talk this through.

The hell did I eat? Well, I hope all of our white whistles blow after tonight. This is going to be a wild show and we have a curfew, so I think we should just jump right into it Because I'm already sweaty Grant Berger

Take it to the recap Come what may, I am ending book two of Strange Aeons tonight! Yeah! Give me that! Give me that. Give me that fucking look, Captain Akaza. I'm doing it. It's not happening. Is that a challenge? Your town may be a shining example

of how not to run a city, but but the niche is stronger here than anywhere. Yeah. So I probably don't even need a recap, but I'm going to do it anyway because it kills time. So here it is.

A lot of time. Our heroes have been traveling through the city of Thrushmore trying to discover anything and everything they can about the leader of the area. What's his name? Damn. Perfect. Love it.

Love it. Count Hazerton Lowles IV. Apparently, some of them used to work for the Count in some capacity before he somehow sacrificed their minds and memories and placed them in an asylum

they come to town and the count is gone so eventually they break into his estate at Iris Hill to confront the woman he left in charge well it turns out

this woman has been abusing her power by aligning with a cult of Hastur and kidnapping and killing people all over town to try and power a portal to Carcosa so that Hastur himself, the king in yellow, can come over here to Galarian and have a blood orgy with all his blood orgy friends.

A sausage murder party. Sausage and murder party. Just thinking about that makes my white wisdom blow. You've come to Iris Hill. You've wiped out the cultists, wiped out creatures from the beyond, and you even killed Mellie Sen. So now you're scouring the rest of the main building wiped out creatures from the beyond and he even killed Melisande.

So now you're scouring the rest of the main building where the Count lives to try and find out more information about where he went. Where he is. At this point you've discovered a few things Am I boring you? No, I just needed more oxygen to my brain. To get ready for the rest of the recap.

Good answer. Thank you. Pay attention to this, because there's a lot of information here. You too. Especially you. You held that unusually long. I was trying to see how long I could hold it. At this point, you've discovered that he is working with someone named

Myacnean Mun. He found alchemical receipts sent to the Count in his name and last time in another ghost town known as St. Paul. You also found

a letter from Mun that reads, and I quote, it seems that the mad poet you met in your dream journey was right. The book you seek, The Necronomicon, is located in a special collection

called The Mysterium in the Kadiran city of Kthir. Though it is written in necro. If you can find a way to retrieve it and bring it to me, I can certainly help you translate and research it. No.

Yes. So now maybe you have a destination, this city of Kthir. At the mention of the mad poet, Aldo has a vision of walking through a strange dreamlike desert with other members of the party and Count Liles himself to meet with a man who introduces himself as the mad poet. You found several books throughout the manor, one in particular full of Liles' notes all about the dreamlands. According to his scribbles,

it seems Liles was using dreams as a method of research, wherein he would project his consciousness into the dreamlands to meet with people and creatures there. One such person was the mad poet, who offered to show him the way to a forgotten city in return for sacrificing his assistant's minds. So did you join Laos on a journey into the dreamlands? What was this forgotten city? Did Laos get there with the mad poet's help? And is he now heading to Kthir? Or is he still trying to find this forgotten city? And why? You feel like you're so close. You've assembled several pieces of a

disturbing puzzle that involves you, a journey into the dreamlands, Laos, his friend Myacnean Mun, and the mad poet. You just finished battling a Penanggalen. You're thinking of Penanggalen. This was a Penanggalen. This was the Penanggalen Penanggalen was this undead floating head

Of a woman, her entrails dripping on the floor You defeated her You now find yourselves in the master bedroom There are doors all around There is a hallway with more doors And as you catch your breath Winter Klaxon, who was played with great aplomb

by Sidney Emanuel last month. Gotta pour a little out for Sid on Troy's book. Though she will never be invited back, she did great.

So mean. Next time, get the memo that says don't make direct eye contact with me. Simple rule. So Winter says, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You're all catching your breath from the battle. She's like, I...

I don't know if it's this recent brush with death or what, but I've been thinking about Halster. When he went catatonic downstairs, we were obviously concerned for his well-being,

but now I'm starting to wonder if shoving him into a sarcophagus full of live rats was the right call. What? What is wrong? You're having doubts? Well, I'm a healer for Farazma's sake,

and usually the sarcophagus full of live rats is saved as a last resort. No, no, no, you misunderstand. The rats were meant to protect him. Yes, of course. Listen, I understand what the rat's purpose is. But I think we're being too hasty. We should go check on him and try more conventional methods like

splashing cold water on his face or slapping him in the nuts. Then, if nothing works, we'll try the life of more rats. Double the rats. I'm concerned there may not be enough rats in the sarcophagus.

I tend to agree with you, Otto. Let's try the nut slapping and see if that's effective. We could lead with the nut slapping, for sure, and then cold water. Either way, but let's go check. In either case, I don't believe we should try

for at least an hour and 40 minutes. case, I don't believe we should try for at least an hour and 40 minutes. No. I don't feel right about this. We should go immediately. And you turn to go to the door, and Houster is standing right there. And he's just brushing rats off of his cloak

that hit the floor and scurry about. What do you say? You pieces of shit! You're lucky that I worship the Lady of Graves and I know that every spiral

leads to a new journey of self-discovery. And then a camera slowly pans inside of Halster where you see a live feed. One got inside. I'm getting used to them. What was it like? What was it like in the sleep of dreams? At first it was quiet, cool, refreshing.

And then little by little, I felt the smallest feet I've ever felt crawl up and down my chest, down my navel. They lingered there, Sir Julie. They lingered on my navel. I thought one of them found enough purchase to sleep but chance to dream as I had until they went further down. At first, I thought they took a fortunate journey

down to my kneecap, perhaps to find my toes and then on to another place. They did not, Sir Julie. They took my feet as a sign to turn around. Halter, please do not relive this. I must!

If not to honor the family that lives inside of my colon at this very moment You have all the fun Halster, I'm sorry. If only in our travels we had found some cheese to stick up there. But I'm glad you're well, and I'm sorry that I took such drastic measures and went along with your cruel friends. I think it's best that I go. Agreed. Goodbye.

Yes, see you. There's the doll. And she walks the fuck out. She just leaves. Out of the open window. There's a sarcophagus available. She's like, no, I should go into town and let people know about Melisande's demise.

I'll get in touch with Cecilia Renz. She's probably the only person left that can do anything in this disaster of a town. So I will go there, and then when you finish here, come and meet me at the Sleepless Detective Agency, and we will see what happens next. But I will go and let them know so that no one else gets hurt. You're still here? And as she describes this whole plan

and then Bungleby so rudely just like dismisses her, she just like turns to walk away and we immediately jump her and put her in the coffin. This is where you go! Who are you and what have you done with Winter?

It's the rats for you, imposter. The rats will dig the truth out of you yet. Please! I'm allergic! Leave her in there until another one of us gets COVID And you push the lid shut Alright

What do you want to do here? Obviously you found some information You started scouring the room You found that shit. There was two doors in here leading south, and then back in the hallway, multiple doors. You checked the first one,

which I am now pinging on the map. It was that first room to the east, before you went west into the master bedroom. Excuse me, to the west, and then you went east. Whatever. It was a child's bedroom. And then you came in here, and it was the master bedroom.

But you've got multiple doors to check out and a long hallway. What do you do? So Julie kicks in the southern door. Get it moving. You kick down the southern door, and you see a small room with a staircase leading up.

I'll just move my pawn to that door. It is a... Get your head in the game, LaVallee. Play a little sloppy like the Boston Celtics. They just fucking won, dude. Spoilers.

All of Portland taped the game. I don't know. Better watch their beloved Miami Heats in the playoffs. All right, so wrong door, but whatever. It's not like you weren't going to open this one. It is a staircase leading up. It's clogged with cobwebs. It's very dusty.

It looks like it has not been accessed in a while. That's all that you see there in that room. Now you want to go to the room that you actually meant to open? Yes. Yes. Wait, did you say going up? Yes. And I won't say it again.

You open this room, and it looks like a private study. The walls are lined with fine wood panels. The furniture includes a desk sitting under a window opposite the door that you're looking through. There's a high-back chair and a couple of small bookcases packed tight with scrolls, volumes, and notebooks. It probably is a place where the Count kept his most precious tomes and important

documents. It has an air of importance like the nice stuff was kept here. Yeah, so Bungleby is just like, excuse me, and just squeezes past Sir Julie into the room, and it's just like, yes. And starts

casing the joint for the most valuable shit to take out of here and sell on the Tome Black Market. Can I do a perception or an appraise check for, like, the most valuable stuff? Do a perception check.

Uh, ho, ho, ho, hot stock! 31. Ooh, wow. Um, you see that the collection contains a wide variety of books, though it seems that many of them focus on old cults and other occult lore. There's a lot going on here.

Someone smarter, like every other person in the party, would look at this room and think, if you spent a lot of time here, you could probably uncover a lot of information. But it could take hours to look through. With a 31 perception,

the things that jump out at you most are the two bookcases, notes scattered on the desk, and a big, heavy chest near the door. He goes to the chest. Okay, what's everybody else doing?

Read the notes. Alright, so Julie's going to notes. You guys want to go to the chest. Okay, what's everybody else doing? Read the notes. All right, Sir Julie's going to notes. You guys want to go to the bookcases? Yeah, Aldo squeezes his strange, lanky frame past Sir Julie and starts furiously leafing through everything. Okay, there's a lot here. Do you think you want to spend some time

kind of digging into it? Yeah. Yeah. You went to the chest. You see a small trunk. You see a small trunk. There's no better thing to bust Troy's chops on than pawns on Roll20.

It's like stabbing him with a very tiny sword. I didn't know what the hell was going on until I just looked at the map. Oops. She's in the rat sarcophagus. And where is your cat? There he is. He has a little rat on his character, actually.

Where is he? Looks like a rat. There he is. Hey, welcome back. Hey, welcome back. All right, you went to the chest. Bunglebee looks studdily. It's locked.

You want to try and disable it? First perception for traps, natural 20. Oh! 20! It appears to be untrapped, but it is locked. While we're going to spend hours in here, I'll take 20 on a disabled device. Okay. 39.

Pop it open. Full of books. Fuck. More reading. He's got a 10 intelligence. God damn it it is uh it's loaded with books and uh there are a couple scrolls as well in there but the books are uh annotated dog-eared like if you start looking through you're spending time here they reference each other they're like loaded with notes they seem seem very, very important

to what Laos was doing. I mean, I've got all the titles of the books. It's ridiculous. Who would read this all? But I'll just give you a sampling. Atop the Valley's Soul, Curses of the Black Lake, The Illusion of the Weeping Ones, Manual of Silence, Men and Vultures, Denizens of the Darkened Depths and Dead Sky. And it goes on and on and on. And all of them are just full of, you assume, Lowell's notes. Referencing one of their dog ears. Are they the writings of a madman? Or the notes have purpose and are they readable?

Or is it, like, a bunch of nonsense? No, it looks like, I mean, you're too stupid to figure it out, but, like, someone intelligent would see it and think that it's very important to whatever Laos was trying to do.

It seems that he is, he was trying to find something, but, you know, you'd really have to spend a lot of time with this to figure it out and you are spending a lot of time but you're never going to be able to read all these books it just seems important like you should take it with you yeah um so you tell your friends about this yeah yeah i mean yeah i think that he sort of passes it over to aldo mainly they don't't look valuable. Yeah, because Aldo was like traveling with him with the count and stuff. Meanwhile, Aldo

and Halster go over to the bookcases. Among the printed works that you find, one thing jumps out to you. It is a slim spell book bound in red leather. And Aldo,

you could very quickly discern that it contains the following spells. Blindness, deafness, dancing lights, detect thoughts, eagle's splendor, expeditious retreat,

gust of wind, hypnotism, illusory wall, mirror image, owl's wisdom, Eagle's Splendor Expeditious Retreat Gust of Wind Hypnotism Illusory Wall Mirror Image Owl's Wisdom Protection from Good and Shield. If only you had a wizard.

No one in this current party makeup can use any of that so let's just burn this bell. He tosses it right out the window. Right out the window. And it lands. The Bunglebee wraps it carefully.

In the fire. It's like, give this to that rat. I don't know at all. Stupid game. So Julie says, what is this, black magic? And burns it. Just like your plays. No, he said it before.

Yeah, it's a callback. Yeah, it's a callback joke. It's different when I say it, Grant. I'd never burn one of your plays, Matthew. I'd rather die of hypothermia. Thanks. Question. It's a waste of matches.

I have a... Can I ask a... Grant, hold on a second. Yes. Question! It's a waste of matches. I have a... Can I ask a... Grant, hold on a second. Yes. You're dying. Dying. And the doctor's there, and it's like, I've got it! The medicine. But you have to burn

this play that Matthew wrote. You're telling me! You'd be like, no. I'll die. what are the chances of Matthew finding out about it 100% I'd die

let's be clear I've written some pretty bad books can I ask a maintenance question though mechanics uh i have a ability score drain five uh and a negative uh level uh how house during this time probably would have prayed and prepared when the rats entered him um restoration lesser several times to heal himself for that and i'm happy to roll that on stage now to figure that out but the negative

level do i get a save against it? What's going on there? 24 hours haven't passed yet, because I think you went catatonic. I can't remember. I don't think... I got the negative levels in this drain prior to going catatonic, obviously.

I don't know how much longer. Right, and then they rested before they went downstairs. So, yeah, I do need you to roll to see if it's going to be permanent. But you have restoration that you can cast or lesser restoration? Lesser. I have lesser restoration for the ability score drain. Obviously, if I had full restoration, I'd get rid of those negative levels.

I can cast Guidance on myself to help with, like, one of my rolls. All right, so cast lesser to try and fix the ability score. So I'm going to do it twice because I have to do it mathematically. That is a one on the first one. The second one is a... Hold on a second. Are you dealing with damage or drain? Drain.

Oh, that just goes away, right? Lesser restoration does not cure drain. Oh, shit. I'm pretty sure. It's just damage. Really? I have some damage if you wanted to take care of that for me.

Whoa. Before you put that away. Just don't be hasty. All right. Well, you heal one point, you asshole. I'm trying to remember what gave you the... The... Negative level?

Yeah, the negative level. I think it was the thing that came out of the wall in the basement, maybe? No. Oh, the man in the roly-poly coat? The man in the roly-poly coat? Or was it the dentist? The hallway with the yellow sign guy. Keeper ofpoly coat? The man in the roly-poly coat? Or was it the dental hallway with the artwork? The yellow sign guy.

Keeper of the yellow sign. The keeper of the yellow John. Keeper of the yellow John, right. You could also just say it's gone. Oh, you would like that. Cleansed by the vermin's touch. Cleansed by the vermin's touch, yeah. All right, so give me a fortitude save.

Fortitude. See if it's permanent. All right. I also believe you can't use guidance on this, I think. Can I cast... Because it represents like 24 hours of time. Can I cast Bear's Endurance to give myself a boost or no? Because it's 24 hours of time.

Again, it's GM call, but I don't think that it's usually you can't because it's representing a lot of time, not like an instant. Grant, it's you. You're going to be fine. You're going to roll... Don't put that. Don't put you. You're going to be fine. You're going to roll... Don't put that. Don't put that. You're going to roll a natural 20. We're all counting on you.

God damn it, Matthew. Natural 20. Oh! Unbelievable! Unbelievable! I'm back, baby! What did they put in that elephant medicine? Unbelievable. When you said that, I had the funniest image in my head

of them shooting it into him with a gun the size of a sniper rifle. It's like, stand back! Shoot! Careful, he may buck! Alright, so you've got the drain, but the negative

level isn't permanent, which is great. Great. How do we heal it with restoration? Full effing blown. Full frontal restoration. It's too bad we took a cleric

and shoved her in a sarcophagus full of rats. She had the ability. You guys are still looking at the bookcases. The spell book is the first thing that jumps out at you. And then you start, maybe a couple hours in, you find a notebook that holds an account of Lowell's interviews with Oliver Zandelus. Oh. Praise, praise.

Praise, praise. Praise, praise. Words didn't fail. Evidently not, Matthew. Praise, praise, praise, praise. Words didn't fail. Evidently not, Matthew. Evidently not. This obviously took place in Briarstone Asylum, where book one took place. Though Xandalus was mute,

it appears Laos would interview him while he drew charcoal drawings of a mysterious city. And during the process, details would emerge, he drew charcoal drawings of a mysterious city. And during the process, details would emerge, which Lowes would then interpret. In later interviews, it seems that Count Lowes made use of magic to read the man's thoughts, where he could not speak. And throughout this process, Lowes was able to learn

about a distant lost city in some nameless desert that reportedly featured three star stelae identical in shape and arrangement to those in Thrushmore. stops relating what he learned from his interviews with Zandalus, and begins writing with maniacal fervor about his obsession with the city and his belief that its discovery alone can repair his academic reputation. So you've learned now that the star stelae were put here, like before the dawn of man, by these alien entities known as flying polyps that would just go around claiming worlds as their own. So they came by,

and then there was an evasion from the elder things. And there was a big war, and they ended up getting killed by the serpent folk in the Age of Serpents. And the elder things stayed down, and they were like watching, and then you killed them. So apparently,

the polyps left three more stelae someplace else. And Laos thinks that finding them would be a game changer. This is unbelievable. Like, I didn't... I don't know why I didn't think of this before. Maybe I'm... I know I'm dumb,

but I guess... I don't know if all you guys are on top of this. That, like, this is where we're going book three is going to be in freaking Kathera and Kadira and shit that's amazing you're going to love what happens

in book three you have no idea what's going to happen but I'm dumber than you because you saying that is when I realized it. So, yeah, I think that that's what's going to happen. And that's so amazing. It's going to become like a desert adventure.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You have no idea what's about to happen. I don't know, but we must go. So, Julie. Yes. You are looking at the notes on the desk. I am.

Can you read? Yes. Okay. You begin looking through the notes. With gusto. You begin looking at the notes. And you're leafing through, reading about Lal's plans, it seems, where he wants to go. And so one thing that really jumps out at you is an annotated map that shows Lake Encarthen and the lands to the south of Ustalav.

And it looks like the count has drawn a route from Thrushmore to a port city known as Xer, X-E-R. And you see that he traced a line down the Selen River to a city known as Casimir. There's that name again. And then he marked a line along the coast all the way to Cthir. It seems like from there, he means to mount an expedition

to a city that is written in his handwriting called Neruzavan. Perhaps this is this lost city that he seeks. And then the pages explode everybody roll a reflex save so Julie went BOOM really?

yeah she read him with fervor gusto gusto yeah Oh. She read him with fervor. Gusto. Gusto. Yeah. What did everybody get starting with Aldo? Your dex is back, right? Yeah.

Didn't help, though. 15. Okay. Halster? 16. 15. Oh, man. Low rolls.

Low rolls tonight. Bungleby Luna? 16. 15. Oh, man. Low rolls. Low rolls tonight. Bungleby Luna? 27. Halfling. Halfling. What about Sir Julie Andrews? Six. Oh, man.

She was right there. Blah! Oh, man. She was right there. So you're going to take 66 damage, Sergio. Holy. And your evasion-less friends will take half that. That's going to be 27 points of damage, Sergio. Oh, my God. What were the pages made of? Your plays.

Grenades. So you would call my plays explosives? The lost works of Matthew Capita-Casabon. The rest of you take 13 points of damage unless you have evasion, which I'm assuming Uncle Pete does. Yes, he backflips out of the way. Takes no damage.

Right. Pushes Hal out of the way. Takes no damage. Right. Pushes Halster towards the explosion. He tucks behind Halster. Uses him as a shield. Halster involuntarily channels immediately after being hit with it and heals everyone for seven points. Take some of that back.

The last thing you see there of what's left of the charred documents is a little piece of parchment scribbled on it like a draft of the equipment, supplies, and number of servants the Count plans to purchase for this final leg of the expedition

from Kthir to Neruseven. So it appears the Count is heading south. And that's over 1,000 miles away. Yeah, that's pretty far. Zer is or Kthir? Kthir and Casimir. Casimir is 1,000 miles from Threshmore.

Wow, that's amazing. Okay. Whew. So, yeah, a lot of juicy stuff in this room, and more pieces of the puzzle are being revealed. You've got some more rooms, and you've also found a staircase leading up. What do you want to do?

I want to go to the room to the northwest that we haven't explored. The room to the north. All right, so you go back into the hallway, and you begin heading towards that second door on the west? Yes. All right, put yourselves on the map and show me. Perception check.

Four traps. That is a 20, sorry, yeah, 32. It appears to be untrapped. He will try to open it. It opens. Squeakily. Please don't be a small room. Please don't be a small room.

Please be just one big room. Please be just one big room. It is a medium-sized room. It's half the... God damn it! Oh, no! God damn it. Oh, no. You see two beds, a writing desk, and a cabinet making up this rather quaint guest bedroom.

Aldo, where are you standing? Oh, no. Don't ask me that. I'm standing behind... Bungleby's at the door. Sir Julie is behind him, and I'm behind Sir Julie. Okay. All right, so what do you guys do?

Do you head into the room? I don't know. I don't. Bungleby turns to Aldo and just goes, Would you like to enter? Alright. Aldo's not metagamey, so he's going to just like, Nora,

friend? No, best friend. He turns back to Halster and just kind of slides back. He pats Halster on the shoulder and leans in and is just like, I am sorry about the rats. I did really want to put more in there.

I was voted down. He pats him again. And he moves past Bungleby into the room. The reason I asked where you were standing is because as you start to go up this hallway, something feels intensely familiar about this place up this hallway, something feels intensely familiar about this place, this hallway, this door to you. To me? Halsey, you're feeling it as well.

You're just like, I've been here before. Oh. And so, Aldo, you walk past Sir Julie and walk past Bungleby into the door, and as you step into the room, you're transported somewhere in your mind's eye to a memory. And you find yourself in the bed that is to the south. It's dark.

It's nighttime. It's only moonlight coming in from the window. And you wake up with a start with, like, sweat beads dripping down your face, and you're panicked. But you also get the feeling you're not alone in this room. You try to crane your head to the right to look at the bed across from you, but you have sleep paralysis. Oh, no!

Oh, no! Which I know is one of Skid's fears. It is. I talked with Harry, our videographer, about this for, no. Which I know is one of Skid's fears. It is. I talked with Harry, our videographer, about this for like three hours on our trip from Milwaukee to St. Paul. We both freaked each other out so much, and now it's all coming back again. That's why I'm... It was very disturbing. Yeah.

You try to crane your head, and all you can see is that there is a rat sleeping in the bed to the north. What did I ever do to deserve this? He shouts in his mind. At the foot of the rat's bed is a handful of other bodies stretched out on small mattresses on the floor, and they all appear to be asleep.

But you are stuck in that awful feeling of sleep paralysis where you're just like trying to shake yourself out of it. And as you're trying to shake yourself to wake up, you look at the foot of the bed and a small hand comes up. No, come on! Don't do that! Small hand followed by another small hand that grips the sheets and then pulls itself up.

Oh! And you see the body of a small child. No, not a child! No! Kill it! You're like Danny Torrance when he's in the cupboard. Yes.

Foaming at the mouth. You're frozen in fear as the sleep paralysis takes hold and this young girl just claws her way slowly up your chest. Oh no! No! And then she lifts her head up and you realize

it's the Duchess, Lady Sheila, looking at you. But she's different. Her skin is white with black stains and she opens her mouth to reveal rotting teeth inside. But she opens her mouth and continues to open it so wide

that her jaw detaches from her head and just falls onto her chest, black bile spilling out of her mouth, dripping from the open wound on her neck, and you're just trying to wake up, but you're still unable to move. You try to move, you try to shake out, you try to scream, but the paralysis prevents it, and the power

of the memory is so great, the rest of you in the room watch as Aldo is practically thrown from his feet backwards into the hallway, and you wake up back with your friends. Well, now I know what I'll be dreaming about tonight.

This sucks. What do you do? I think first he rolls a will save. That was awful. Yeah, Aldo flies backwards out of the room and slams against the other, the outer, the other wall and, like, slides down. And he's, like, breathing, like, hyperventilating and sweating

and he's, like, he's, like, holding his head where it hit the wall. That was awful. What happened? A trap. Are you all right? I don't know. It's like some dream or a vision or something.

Something horrible. Someone from my past. that was not good. And he just kind of like pulls himself up. And he's like, I don't think you want to go in there. No, I don't think I do.

On to the next. I know no fear. And Sir Julie bursts into a... Sir Julie, wait! I will inform you of fear. Let me teach you. I cannot learn fear Oh no

Alright then Carry on My mind is impervious to your lessons So Julie you walk in And you don't recognize this place at all You don't feel Creeped out at all But you look at Aldo and Halster

and you see that they're affected by this place. They know this place. They used to be in this place and sleep in this place. Wow. Did Halster have the same vision or was it only Aldo? No, it was only Aldo. Okay. Aldo remembers sleeping in that bed and having this.

So I saw the others in this room. You saw Atticus, apparently, and some other bodies that were laying on the floor. You couldn't quite make them out because you were frozen. Did I see Halster in there, too? Halster wasn't in there. Okay. But, Halster, you recognized the room.

Right. You saw a hulking, badass orc on the floor. For a brief moment, you were like, that guy is so fucking ripped. We can't wait to meet that guy. Adventure with him for years on end. For years we shall adventure. You did not see that. It seems fine in here.

Halster, would you like to join me? Uh, all right. Come and know no fear with me. Halster stands next to Sir Julian, slides his hand onto the small of her back. She slaps it away. There's a time and place, boy! I'm sorry

if I crossed a line. You did, yes. Thank you. You did. I appreciate Thank you, Chris. I appreciate your apology. You totally did. That's exactly what happened. This doesn't seem so bad after the place I just came back from. I don't see what the big deal is.

I want to keep role-playing this. There he goes. There's two beds there. Let's get weird. What do you guys do in this empty room? I search it. You search it. You find a small stash of treasure in a drawer.

In a drawer. Drawer. Drawer. Sorry, just had a little Portland stroke. That's what they call it on the street, a Portland stroke. Small stash of treasure in a drawer in the nightstand. Fuck that word. It's a pesky one.

The drawer, this just sounds weird, contains a pouch with 720 gold pieces. Oh, hell yeah. That is a significant treasure. A king's ransom. There is a pearl of power, second level. There is an oil of silence that you can use for sex lube. Why? If you want to do it in secret.

Perhaps you're a loud lover. If you want to bang at your parents' house. Visit your parents' Thanksgiving weekend. Just slap a little oil of silence on your dong. It's only the fear of cot that gets me going, though, Troy. Right? What's the radius on that silence? I think you need to...

Let's stop everything and go back and read the rules of silence. I believe some people get a will save. It's true. Is that... Is that the sound of jackhammering? There's also a stone of alarm. Oh. Which is less sexy.

Let's see what it does. Stone of alarm. This stone cube, when given the command word, affixes itself to any object. If that object is touched thereafter by anyone who does not first speak that same command word, the stone emits a piercing screech for one hour that can be heard up to a quarter

mile away. Wow. What's not sexy about that? Depends how you use that stone. And its size. What do you think? The next room? Yes, please.

We take all that stuff. Take all that stuff. Sir Julie puts it in her satchel. We take all that stuff, yeah. And then he'll go to the next door and, again, check for traps. Natural 20. Oh, wow.

It's blinking. Halster. Halster and Aldo. Oh, wow. It's blinking. Halster, Halster and Aldo, just uneasy feeling. And Halster, as you approach this room, you feel like a pit

in your stomach. And you open the door to this room and a couple things are going to happen. Oh, no. No. No.

He said it. He said the line. Is that your Jim Gaffigan? First thing you notice... First thing you notice, you open the door and you're just like, whoa, the fuck,

it stinks of vinegar in there. Vinegar? There's a strong smell of vinegar hanging in the air in this simple but well-appointed bedroom. In addition to the two beds, writing desks, and cabinets, you see that the room holds a wooden vat of vinegar. It must be vinegar, because it reeks of vinegar. I will give you... I will bet everyone at this table five American dollars that it's not vinegar. It must be vinegar because it reeks of vinegar. I will give you, I will bet

everyone at this table five American dollars that it's not vinegar. I'll take that bet. You're excluded. I'll take that bet. Alright. It looks like a guest bedroom. Like the ones

you've seen before as you've been searching the upper floors. It's well furnished and reasonably tidy, but it suffers the same state of neglect as the rest of the manor. But Halster, as you peer past your ugly friends, there is something incredibly familiar about this room. And as you look in, you feel the brand on the back of your neck start to burn and your eyes roll up in your head and suddenly the room

goes dark and you're standing in it. But it's a different place and a different time. It is also night, like Aldo's vision, but you're standing now on the far side of the room where the window is, looking out in the dark at the courtyard

below, and you're just scanning the area, and as you scan across, you see a figure wearing an executioner's hood. Oh, man. And he just

slowly raises his hand. Oh, you and as he points at you you look down at yourself and then you look over to the bed next to you and see an old woman woman lying in that bed. And you look over to the other bed and see a figure with its back to you. And then you look on the floor and you see

lying on a straw mattress a huge tattoo-covered full orc. The orc, however, looks particularly frail and fragile. As you adjust your eyes to the dark,

you're not sure that there's a wet stain on his crotch that you can only imagine is urine from having piss in his sleep or perhaps semen from a wet dream the only words hauster has the courage to say in this moment is do you even lift bro and then you look back outside and that executioner is now inches away from the glass in front of you. Oh, God! Oh, God!

And you're pulled out of that, and you fall backwards as well and just faint to the floor. And as Aldo faints to the floor, you look in the room, and there are figures lying on the bed. What? Oh, shit.

And the real... There is a decapitated body on the bed to the north, and on the other bed is the lower half of a woman's body. Oh, no, no! Laid out in the same manner, ending right at the waist. Oh! We're having fun.

What do you do? Save them. I think this might require an advanced form of healing. I've yet to master, Sir Julie. Give me a knowledge religion. Julie and Halster, if you have it. Julie. Give me a knowledge religion. Julie and Halster, if you have it. 17. What's the points in religion, bro?

Plus 7. What more? 16. I rolled a 9. Paladin. You don't know. You don't know what's going on here. But you do know you fought a floating head.

Yeah. And you fought the upper torso of a woman. So perhaps the Penanggalin and the Menanggalin, or Menanga, the fuck they're called. These are their other parts. But because you have killed them, these parts just lie dormant.

Inert. Inert. Could we enact a ritual to create our own pandemonium? Don't be weird. Stop being weird. You're going to do weird stuff. You think that... You think that there's probably

some sort of process they were going through where they would come and reattach themselves. And then just go fuck off all day and then come back here and detach. And maybe the vinegar was involved in this process. Oh, man. You got to pickle the internal organs and something.

You really do. It's like a weird vinegary constructicons. So... Search the room. Searching the room, one of the bedside tables holds half a dozen empty glass files

and a notebook. The first thing you notice in the notebook is a list of names. Ah. Aldo. Halster, Burrell, Carthamalusord, Atticus Grimm, the list goes on. It quickly becomes obvious that once again, you are reading one of Lowell's notebooks. Same handwriting that you've seen throughout.

As you flip through, you see a lengthy series of notes about his suspicion that Alvarez Andalus was the key to discovering some place called Neruzavan. There's that name again, a lost city in Kazmaran that apparently holds three star stelae similar to those in Thrushmore. star's delay, similar to those in Thrushmore. The last entries in the notebook detail all of those of you who woke up in the asylum, identified by name, along with accurate data about race, gender, height, and weight, all of which the Count referred to when administering the exact dose of a special sleeping drug, which these files must have contained, drugs provided by someone named Myaknan Mun.

So what do you think's happening here before I tell you? The Count found all those people and then made the deal with the Mad Poet to sacrifice their minds in exchange for information about Necronomicon or this city

or something. It's a little hazy. And he did it. And he used drugs to knock all of you out. Not you, Sir Julie, but Atticus, Alster, Aldo, Burl, Cartha. Drugs provided by his old buddy, my acne and mun. So that must have been the alchemical receipts that you saw downstairs. Oh, yeah.

If you do a detect magic on the room, the headless torso is clad in a magical vestment known as a pneumatic vestment, as well as a chain shirt. And the cabinet near her bed holds two scrolls of sepia snake sigil, the thing that fucked you up. Look away. A scroll of sea invisibility.

A composite short bow plus three strength. Wow. 20 arrows, a short sword and 329 gold pieces. The rich get richer. I'll take that short bow. I thought you were going to say, I'll take those 329 gold pieces. I'll take that shirt.

I thought you were going to say, I'll take those 329 gold pieces. I'll take those too. I'll take that. I'm confiscating this. Let's talk about this pneumatic vestment. Pneumonic. Like a pneumonic device?

Yes. The surface of this delicate-looking blue silk robe is adorned with tiny embossed runes across its entire surface. If the wearer is a spontaneous caster, once per day, she may use a spell slot to cast a spell from a written source, such as a scroll or spell book,

as if she knew that spell. Wow. Oh, this is a crazy... We had this. Oh, shit. Yeah. I think it was in Raiders. Was it Raiders or Jade Reasoning?

Oh, it was. It was in Raiders. Yeah. Yeah, it was. It totally was. Okay. Yeah, a little bonus spell action. Rita, fight over it.

I don't know. Who's spontaneous caster? It's her jewelry, but I don't think she'd replace her. No, she's not a spontaneous caster. I don't think she'd replace her. No, she's not a spontaneous. I don't really care. Oh, as you're standing there, you also notice that there is one more door to the east. To the east.

Okay, we'll go there. Perception check on that door. That is a 27. Listening at the door. Looks like a sturdy door that is unlocked, and you hear nothing, save for the scurrying of rats that fell from Houser's cloak. Okay, quick check for traps.

Is a 31 for traps? 31 for traps. No traps. He opens the door. You open the door, and you see a large room. Nice. Nice. It looks like a sitting room.

There's a large fireplace, a round table with stuffed high-back chairs around it. Good gaming table. Yeah, looks like it. Remember when we used to sit around a table and game? The walls are decorated with patterned wallpaper and small paintings of the surrounding landscape. Against the walls are

three large mahogany sideboards with brass candle holders. There's another door to the west, northwest portion of the room. And there's like dead rats everywhere that look like they've been sucked dry. Oh, they're like, their corpses are all shriveled. Like they've been, their blood has been let all out of them. Bungleby will start moving into the room. He wants to move toward the paintings,

but he's going to do a perception for danger, seeing these weird little creatures. So he's looking around to see if he picks up anybody hidden or anything. That is a 22. Yeah, no, it's just a real ominous feeling in here. Like all these dead rats and they're not the rats that scurried from Halster's cloak

they look like they've been here for a little while like someone or something was feeding on them but just feeding on their blood can I examine the bite marks on them and see if I can maybe identify the creature um yeah sure

I do that. Consider it done. But check what you like. I'm not... What? Knowledge... Knowledge... Bites.

Knowledge bite marks. Yeah, roll knowledge plain. See if it's something otherworldly. Natural nine, so 17. Yeah, you know, it seems like there may be some marks from something that pierced it, like maybe talons, but then there's also bite marks on the creatures as well, on the rats, that don't look like they were made by any creature that you've seen.

So perhaps something not of this world. Perception around the room to see if there's anything lurking. Okay. There we go, natural 19. There you go. Nice. There is... 31. Not. There is... 31.

...not. And if you open that door to the north, I'm just going to tell you it leads a staircase going down back to the room where Big P is stuffed into a closet full of shit. Sleeping soundly in poop. Can we search the room? Yes. There's nothing in there. Can we search the room? Yes. There's nothing in there.

Shall we go upstairs? The last room, it appears, is the attic of Iris Hill. Now, there might be multiple rooms over there. You don't know. But it is the only apparent room that you can see. You've been everywhere downstairs except in the direction of where you knew those rats were in the well.

There's no reason to go there. Bungleby is going to take one of his daggers and slit the paintings out of their frames and roll them up. Okay. Just put them in a bag. You guys see this thieving halfling grab the paintings. What? He's gone. You won't need them.

You're right. We should move them to the Threshmore Museum. Excellent work, Buckleby. Most certainly, Sir Julie. I'm off to the museum. Sense motive. Is Halster and Sir Julie sharing a square? Why is Halster and Sir Julie sharing a square?

Why is Halster and Sir Julie sharing a square? Because you need to refresh your browser, my dear pal. I thought you guys were just getting cozy. Are we going upstairs? We going up? We're going up. We're going up.

Okay, so you want to go up You say Okay I'll go first Okay, who's next? I'll follow Anywhere you go I will follow him

I will go third Aldo will go third Okay, and then Halster in the rear. I will drag you to another map. Oh, no. And then I will place you gently around that map in the order in which you have put yourselves. Be gentle.

Yes. All right. Direct yourselves a little bit to the right. Have a little fog of war reveal. Yeah. That'd be nice. You like that? Here it is.

Boom. Boom salad. Boom salad is right. You are in the attic, and it is huge. It has a slanted ceiling supported by wooden trusses, beams, and rafters. The ceiling slopes down from the highest beams in the middle to the lowest on the perimeter, where several ugly, fibrous plants sprout from clay pots, fairly illuminated by a few dormer windows.

The air smells of dust, mold, and decay. I'd say at the pointed part of the roof, it goes all the way up to 15 feet high, but then it quickly tapers down to the edges to be much

lower near the edges of the space. So the closer you are to the side walls, the ceiling is almost touching your head. It looks mostly clear, but there are a few boxes and crates scattered around as well as these potted plants along the

outer walls. First look. Doesn't seem like things of value. Like a place where they're keeping things of value. No, no, no. If you open up a box, it's just like old baby clothes. That's exactly what's in my attic. Aldo is going to approach the closest plant

and attempt a knowledge nature check upon it. Okay. There is one on the far side of the room here. I will reveal some more of the map. And if you see that little window to the south, I love this music, by the way. It's so good. Wee-wee-wee-wee.

There is a plant sitting right in front of that window. Okay. Aldo approaches the Natalie Dormer window. Nice. And looks out the window briefly to see if Natalie Dormer's out there. And going to do a knowledge nature check on the plants. Oh, that is an 80-15. That is a 29.

The most interesting thing about the plant to you is that it looks like it's being well taken care of. there's no reason this plant should look as good as it does unless someone is taking constant care of it. And as Aldo moves over to that side of the room, you hear like a... Stay away. Stay away. Don't look at me I look at the voice

very good showman Aldo looks in the direction of that voice and you see a figure sort of huddled towards the northern portion of the room with their back to you. And she's like, oh, what I've become. What I've become is monstrous.

I am unlovable now. Do not look at me. I just wanted to bring him back. But my husband, that monster, killed him when he found out about us. Oh, this is the Countess? Climes,

my lovely Climes, was such a good man, a sweet man, a genius. More man than Liles ever was. And that sickness that we conjured to kill my husband, while it succeeded, it left its taint on me. When my changes began, It left its change on me. When my changes began,

when my changes began, little Hazerton, my baby, my only son, he would still come to bring me food, but he would look at me so strangely as if he took satisfaction in watching what I became that poor boy is sick he was always sick his morbid curiosity and my disfigurement was the only thing that kept him coming back

and now even he is gone My disfigurement was the only thing that kept him coming back. And now even he is gone. I just wanted to bring back my love. My beautiful Climes. He was so wise. I knew he could fix me. But my ritual failed and all that remained is that thing. That monster from beyond the stars?

Can you hear it? Can you hear it? It keeps coming here to haunt me with its laughter, though I cannot see it. And as she says that, you hear this like, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, e Yes Yes, perhaps when it feeds on you It will let me be So I can once again be reunited with Climes Drink of their blood, foul beast Do what you will, but just return my love to me

Everybody roll a perception check Okay Turn my love to me. Everybody roll a perception check. Okay. Okay. What did you get? Aldo. 27 for Aldo. Halster. 19.

Bungleby. 17. Sir Julie. 30. Ooh. Sir Julie and Aldo will act in the surprise round. Oh, for God's sake. Roll for initiative.

Roll for initiative. Hey, Maddie. Roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll with the roll Here we go. We having fun, Portland? It's a little hot in here. Sweating in places I didn't know I could sweat. All right, Aldo, what did you get, buddy? 19 on the old initiative.

What about Sir Julie? 17. 17 for Sir Julie. Bungleby, though? 18. 18 for Bungleby. And finally, Halster Price. Six.

The number of rats. Okay. Six. Okay. Okay. Six. Okay. Wow. This is going to be... This is going to be wild. Surprise round. One of my creatures will act.

No. No. Along with Aldo and Sir Julie. Where are they? Well, one of them is invisible. Oh. Oh. But you feel its presence

as it comes towards Pongalby. No. No, what did I do? And let's see. Am I close enough to... Yeah. It can do one attack,

and it is going to attempt to bite. It cannot move and attack on a surprise run. It didn't move. It's within range. Because it's big. Oh, it's big. Here we go. Trying to bite ya.

Ooh, bad roll against flat-footed 12. Miss. Nice. Poop. Poop. Aldo, you get to go. Aldo not seeing any enemies at the moment. Well, I can tell you, towards the north, you do see this woman.

Okay. Okay. Oh, she's got some distance. And that's what she looks like. Oh, we saw her! We've seen her! This is the actual projecting bitch! That was the projection!

Now she looks much more in the flesh. And her flesh is weird. Yeah, she's got a tentacle growing out of her stomach. Yeah, a couple tentacles coming out of the stomach. Mrs. Havisham ate an octopus. One really long arm. Yeah, something happened. And she said that her and her lover did something to her husband,

but it left its taint on her, and then a couple people chuckled. Right. The word taint. She kind of looks like Bjork, doesn't she? No, she doesn't. What are you rolling? I don't know. Aldo, what do you want to do? So you do see her. She says, keep away

from me. Stay away. Bjork looks like, and it's not quite like that. I don't remember the tentacles. Yeah, I'm going to pop an extract off of his bandolier. Okay. And quickly drink it and effectively casting

shield on himself. Okay. There's some spooky Bjorks. That was horrible, Bjork. Sorry. Bjork, Bjork spooky Bjorks. That was horrible. Bjork. Sorry. Bjork, Bjork, Bjork. What about Sir Julie?

Did I hear or sense or perceive in any way the attack that was made on Bumblebee? Yeah, you felt a presence right next to you. He's like, something's trying to hit me. All right. I will swing at that present. That's a West Coast IPA. What? Pine needles.

All right, show me what square you want to swing into. Where does he shout in fear? Will you just pick a square? No, where do I sense the presence? Ahead of you, somewhere. I swing at the square where I sense the presence.

Okay. You might have to move. I can't. Power attack for your focus. Power attack for your focus. 90, 15. 26. Yes!

You feel air as you slice through. So perhaps this creature has reach. So I didn't feel a presence in that square. Oh, you did, but it went away quickly as whatever it attacked Bumblebee with slid back to its space. Oh, it moved on its surprise round. It didn't move.

It's long. Wait till you see it. You're gonna love it. Round one. It's its turn. And I'm mad at you, so I'm gonna bite you. Actually, I'm gonna do a full fucking attack on you. Oh, no.

You've been a thorn in my side since the monologue. First talent of 3, 11. Sets the monologue. First, Talon. Up three. Eleven. Miss. Second, Talon. The fuck with these rolls?

Twelve. Yes. Third, Talon. Okay. Twenty-two. That hits. There we go. Boom sausage.

That is going to be eight points of damage, plus a little bleed on your turn. Yeah, big bleed crowd. Here comes the bite. This is the one I want to queue up with. You dirty paladin. Here we go. Natural two.

Yeah! All right. No bite, but you do bleed on your turn. And let me see. That might be... Yeah, that might be real bad. Let me tell... Remind me when it's your turn that you get some bleed.

I'll definitely do that. Be honest. Hundo percent. Hundo P. Hundo P. Now, you feel all all these attacks but you still do not see the creature so it does not become visible after attack what is going on with this crazy creature in portland aldo's turn sorry i got excited okay i describe in great detail what i felt when i was struck with the talent to aldo. From what direction it came. It's right up there. How much reach

it seemed to have. Okay. Aldo is going to half listening to Sir Julie, he is going to produce the scroll of sea invisibility that we found earlier.

Whoa! Now, as an alchemist, I do have to make a use magic device roll to effectively use the scroll, even though it is on my formulae list. So we'll see.

Okay. I'm going to try. Try. Okay. Okay. That is a Natty. Try. That, okay. That is a natty 16. That is a 24. So assuming C invisibility is a fourth level spell or lower, I succeed. That sounds good enough.

So yeah, you can see. All right. So, boom. The scroll vanishes and Aldo is able to see whatever it is that is hiding itself there in the shadows. So what you can see that no one else can see

is this. Oh, that's really awful. Oh, wow. Mama. Why, wow. Mama. Why? Mama. Mama.

No, no. Oh, it's a collection of tentacles surrounding a bizarre sphincter. It's a toothed sphincter. That tittering laughing sound is coming from its fanged maw. Oh, no. It's just a floating mass of talon-tipped tentacles. Heldo

immediately regrets casting a spell that allows him to see this thing. Mama. So you see it and I can tell you but your friends don't know that it's right shmah. Ten feet in front of Bungleby just to the well, yeah, 10 feet in front of Bungleby,

just to the... Well, yeah, 10 feet in front of Bungleby. Okay. Aldo, using a free action, says, ah, it's right there! He points over towards the crate on the other side of the room. Okay, so at least you can see it.

Oh, and question, this thing is just always greater invisibility, right? Will you wait till your turn to ask a question? Greater invisibility. Will you wait till your turn to ask a question? Will you wait till your turn to ask a question? Greater invisibility, right? Because if it's just invisible, it's visible. It's your turn. What's your question? Is it visible? No, it's not visible.

He'll step up and attack. He'll take a five foot step and do a full attack action. 50% miss chance You're going to miss all attacks Guaranteed Dupe dupe Guaranteed

Dupe dupe Here we go First attack natural one This is what you pay to see. Two confirm. Two confirm. Natural five. Five!

What's the totes-be-goats on that? While you quickly look up fumbles. Oh, it's 13. Fumboni. You accidentally killed yourself. What are you going to do? I'm going to

try to find one. That's local. From Portland. All right. Local Portland fumboni. All right, I might have one. From Mailman Cody. Hey!

Mailman Cody, look at that guy! Mailman, Mailman. Hey, you know what? Let's see if he delivers on this fumble. Well, the name of the fumble is Miss Delivery. Are you riffing with me, Cody? Your attack goes way off the mark.

Embarrassingly missing your target. Entirely. Worse yet, everyone saw this awful attack. You find yourself trying to get your attack back on track, and it puts you off balance. You become shaken for 1d4 rounds. A successful will save reduces the duration by half,

minimum one round. Will save incoming. It is a 13 against the Creatures AC. Obvious pass. So one round. You failed, but I only rolled one round. All right, so I'm shaken for one round. Awesome.

That's not so bad. And I hit on concealment, which I never will again. Next attack. Natural 20! No! Free people threat. Free people threat. Free people threat. Free people threat.

Ah. Portland! And, ladies and gentlemen, that's a 19 on concealment. But you recently... That's what I knew. I knew it was coming. But, recently... That's what I knew. I knew it was coming. But, but...

You recently adopted the preferred 50% missed chance selection where under 50 and lower hits. You're embarrassing yourself. Kurt Dell's rule in his game with the 6986. Oh, that's true. That's true. Math. That sounds like a crit to me.

Are you done your long turn yet? I'm done. Okay. It was fun. Thanks for giving that to everybody. Thank you, Cody. Sir Julie Andrews. Sir Julie will five foot step.

She will swift action, lay on hands. Ooh. To end the bleed. To end the bleed. Not a great amount of healing, but the bleed is over. Bleed is over. Okay, but you take the bleed though first, right? Is it beginning of your turn or end of your turn?

Beginning of your turn. Nice try, Sir Julie. You're but you take the bleed though first, right? Is it the beginning of your turn or the end of your turn? Beginning of your turn. Nice try, Sir Julie. You're going to take... Typical lying paladin. I'll tell you what you take in a second. What do you want to do? Full attack. Power attack. Furious focus. Et cetera. 50 or lower

hits. Call in. No, it's not 50. Natural two. Okay. Second attempt. Okay, it's 51 or higher. It is a 20, but misses on the concealment.

81. 81 on the concealment. 81. 81 on the concealment. 81. Okay, we've got to send this to a jury trial now, because you said 50 and over, and he said 50 and under. I said under.

I know, but he contradicted you. I contradicted you. Read it back. Well, if you want to take the hit. I'm going to let it be a hit, because it's got to be 51 or higher. It's got to be 51 or lower because the 86 is the worst possible result. All right. People, we could argue about this all night.

You take four points of bleed, but no, give yourself a hit. I want it to count. Don't worry about the 86-69 rule. We're moving to a new game in two days. You think we're never going to roll a D100 again? Sorry, Del. Yeah, sorry, Del. Sorry, Del.

Sorry, Del, your logic is defeated. 20 points of damage. 20 points of damage! Nice, Julie! Back, foul beast. Okay, 20 points of damn Sony. Are you done with your turn? Yes.

Okay. Let me just check my shit. Did you take four points of bleed? I did. Did you? Yes. Joe, look at his sheet. I'll show you the record, if I can remember how to do that.

Show me the record. Four damage taken. Yeah, it's right there. He did it. I can't believe it. From the back of the room, the woman steps up. Don't look at me! And she, like, flies into a bestial rage and fires a couple magic missiles at Aldo. Oh, okay.

Aldo, you take a gentleman's 10 damage. Well, I would, had I not cast shield earlier. It's specifically Negase magic missile. And has since the dawn of time. So proud of myself right now. Feel good? Doesn't that feel good? Yeah, it does. All right, so those magic missiles just poing, poing,

bounce off of your magical shield. You see the impact on this circular shield that's invisible normally, but it's like you can see it in that moment. It looks really cool. And they deflect onto Sir Julie, and Sir Julie takes 10 points of damage. That's fine. The angle with which they hit.

I would, except I don't. And to round out the round, Hal Sterprice! You see the symbol of Phrasma burn on the back of his neck, and a use of fervor expends itself to cast divine favor on himself. That is a swift action. You will move 30 feet behind Sir Julie. Does Sir Julie have any strength-modifying equipment

on? I think he'd know what she'd be wearing. Do you want to rip it off? Strength-modifying equipment, as in like a belt of giant strength or something like that? I do not believe so, but I'll check. We'll assume that you don't. Houser will reach out to the small of your back again and cast full strength.

Ka-ching! Nice! He gently caresses the butterfly tattoo that rests above your ass crack. Warped Tour 96 was amazing! One day I shall tell you the story of Warped Tour 96.

House was like, who's Smash Mouth? Who is this Smash Mouth? Who is this Smash Mouth? I'll tell you another time. Round two. It is the creature's turn. You are no longer bleeding, you said?

Nine. Okay. Okay, then. It is going to do a full attack, and I really want these to hit, so I'm going to lie about my dice rolls. Thank you for being honest. These are against Flatfooted AC.

I'm going to spread the wealth here. First attack is going to be against Sir Julie. Talon number one is a 20. Hit. Against flat-footed, that is going to be... If only some of my

dex damage had been healed. Five points of damage and you're bleeding Second attack is against Bungle B Natural 20 Oh no Critical threat Critical threat

Critical threat To confirm Against flat footed 15 Miss Oh yes Does not confirm confirm. Against flat-footed 15. Miss. Oh, yes. Does not confirm. Oh, huge. Huge. Crap sandwich. But you will take

six points of damage, and you're bleeding as well. And then the third talon is going to be back at Sir Julie. And that is going to be a miss. I think against flat-footed 13? Miss.

Okay, and then the final bite. Really want to hit this bite? No. Coming after you. No, no. Coming after you. You like Matthew. No.

We're not friends tonight. Natural 20 again. Oh, no. Critical threat. Critical threat. Critical. Critical. Critical threat. We'll. Critical. Critical.

Critical threat. We'll be selling these dice in Seattle. They're called Split the Party. Blue and white. And that beautiful planet dies right there in the old 20. Holy shit, could this be bad? All right, here we go. First to confirm.

Here we go. Ooh, ooh, ooh. 12. Fuck. All right. It's fine. Fine. Regular damage. Oh, ooh, ooh. Twelve. Fuck. All right. It's fine. Fine. Regular damage.

Oh, man. Okay. Nine points of damage. Exploding John. No, he attempts to grab you with the bite. And for this one... Fuck, fuck, fuck. I shall roll neon green.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Natural one. Don't you dare. Natural one. Don't you dare Natural one Don't you dare Natural one Wait look at my Shit here

What's his CM Read those stats Here we go Okay Tweener Against your CMD I bet you I hit it by one

21 Ah that is a hit That's yeah against your CMD. I bet you I hit it by one. 21. Ah, that is a hit. By a lot. I see you're still not familiar with the Pathfinder role-playing. No, no. No, no, no. Okay, yet again,

a couple things are going to happen. First, I need you to make a will save. Oh, no. As it attempts to perform a loathsome embrace on you. All right, who gave me these dyes? Hey! Thank you. Thanks, me. Was it Zach? Is that it? Yes? Hey! Thank you. Thanks, me.

Was it Zach? Is that it? Yes, Zach. Thank you. I got gifted some dye earlier tonight. And so this will determine if I like you or not. That's fair. Did you hear that?

Do it! Let's see if Zach is a piece of shit. Oh! He sent a note that says, Have you seen the yellow sign? Oh, no! You sure you want to roll those? You're a creepy dude, Zach.

All right. Here we go. Zach's die. We'll save. Son of a bitch! Blow some... Fuck. 15.

DC 16. Oh! No! Alright, so... Oh, man. As this thing takes you in its mouth, its suckered

tendrils just pulling you towards its gaping maw. You become nauseated for one round. And also, because it has succeeded on its grapple, you take two points of con drain.

Oh no! As it is bleeding you out. Not unlike what it did to the rats downstairs. Oh, yeah. Now I see. And it heals itself as it sucks your blood. So, Julie, you must have made it. So, Julie, you must have made it.

I'm pissing myself now the good news is as it starts to suck your blood it becomes visible okay as your blood courses through its veins and gives it color

thank you Bunglebee your sacrifice will be rewarded veins and gives it color. Thank you, Bungleby. Your sacrifice will be rewarded. You're welcome. You're grappled. And it's grappled. So is it like a floating mass

of capillaries, like we just see the vein structure starting to appear? That's cool. Like Dr. Manhattan. Yeah, yeah. Pretty awesome. And it's Aldo's cool. Like Doctor Manhattan. Yeah, yeah. Over the course of several days. Pretty awesome. And it's Aldo's turn. Aldo, you just deftly deflected a couple magic missiles.

Yeah, Aldo sees this woman whose image we've seen before and I don't think, he probably doesn't know that this thing is now visible. Like, he's been able to see it the whole time. So he keeps shouting, he says's there, it's there! Target this explosion and fire!

And he throws a bomb at the creature. Come on! Get it! Natty 18 on the fucking die! Woo! That is 15 points of fire damage. Yikes. And it is on fire. Oh, all right.

Soon Bunglebee will be on fire as well. All right, so that thing just screeches out this horrible scream. It sounds like several voices overlapping. Actually, this would have been cool to do when it was still invisible, because with the fire, maybe you would have been able to see it. It's still pretty cool. And now it is

Bunglebee's turn. Bunglebee, you're grappled and you're nauseated. Talk to me about nauseated. This is... I really identify with this because this is exactly how I have felt every time I donated blood. I sat there and was just like, oh God. Oh, and then just like all pale and was like,

I think I'm going to throw up on you. I'm so sorry. So yeah, he's like, he's not actually vomiting, but he's just like trying to not vomit. And that takes all of the work of his round. The only thing he can do is move, but he's grappled. So it's up to you if I can do a skill check. Yeah, you can do a skill check. All right, then I will do an escape artist to try to

get out of there. I don't know if that's a... What does the nauseated condition say? It says you can only move. Only take move actions or only move. He could loosen his limbs and kind of slip his clavicle out of the grasp. The problem is I think when using a skill like escape artist counts as

a standard action. Yeah, so you can't do it. I think you could vomit on yourself, and that would lubricate your body so that you could extricate yourself from the creature. It says you're unable to attack, cast spells, concentrate on spells, or do anything else requiring attention. The only

action a character can take is a single move action per turn. It is time for murder! And per the escape artist text, escaping from a grapple or a pin is a standard action. So he just stays there and it's just like

this is over soon. Will it be, Sir Julie? Give me your bleed damage. Give you what? My bleed damage. Your bleed damage. Oh, what? My bleed damage. Your bleed damage. Ooh, yeah. Oh, you take some bleed damage, too.

Sir Julie takes one, and you take one. Nice. Poop. That wasn't so bad. All right. Poop. Caressed on her lower back by Halster. We'll talk about that later.

Uh-huh. Sir Julie feels the strength of a bull flowing through her. Yeah. And she will smite evil. Yes. Nice. Swift action. Swift action.

Is the creature evil? I'm committing to it. That's fair. Second follow-up question. Chaotic evil, in fact. Is the creature an outsider with the evil subtype, an evil-aligned dragon, or an undead creature? No.

It's not an outsider? No. Probably an aberration. All right. All right, well, then I don't get to double my damage, but it's still pretty sweet. Okay. As you swing, do you say,

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. Roll to hit. 28 to shed. Roll to hit. 28 to hit. 28 to hit. Well, with its AC lowered by the grapple. That is a hit. Okay.

That is 28 points of damage. Holy shit. Baby. Is that slashing, Damzoni? It is indeed. Magical. Magical slashing. Okayzoni? It is indeed. Magical. Magical slashing. Okay.

Very good. Very good. Is that your round? No. Second attack. Shit. 25 to hit. Yes!

Oh, dear. Yeah, finish it. Max damage. Yes! Yes! Box cause. Box cause. Box cause. 34 points of damage. Oh! Box cause. Box cause. Box cause. 34 points of damage. Oh my god.

Fucking dead. Fucking dead. Describe your kill. Yes! So I imagine the first strike there's just all this massive tentacles I was shaking at the thing! So Julie! So I imagine the first strike, there's just all this mass of tentacles slapping at her, and she's kind of dodging, and she just hacks off a couple of them,

and then she sees its gaping maw sucking the life out of Bungleby, and she just drives the great sword right above its mouth. And impales the thing. And this creature from faraway worlds dies. Yes! And impales the thing. And this creature from far away worlds dies. Nice!

Get out of our world, weirdo! Get out of my world! Get out of my world, baby! It's burning Hulk. The... Falls shuddering to the ground. The woman... Still suckling on Bungleby.

Yeah, just burning as it falls. Bungleby's blood leaking out of it onto the ground. The woman... Still suckling on Bungleby. Yeah, just burning as it falls. Bungleby's blood leaking out of it onto the floor. The woman to the north moves within ten feet of Aldo. And as she does, her arm

starts to get weirdly long. Oh no! It gets weirdly long and starts to glow with electricity as she attempts to shocking grasp Aldo from ten feet away with her weird long arm!

Let's do a melee touch, John. Aldo's got a really high touch AC, right? No, it's not that great. Uh, sixteen. Ah, it's not that great. 16. That's a hit. Okay, that is going to be 1d6 per caster level

for those of you following along at home later. Why not for them? Eight points of electricity damage. Look at me! And it is Halster's turn. One enemy left that you can see. For poisoning your husband, I curse you, Namira! I curse you!

And his ugly chainmail curses her. Oh. Standard action. How dare you? Minus two penalty to AC. Standard action. How dare you. Minus two penalty to AC attack rolls. Or on saving rolls. So let's make her easier to hit. Minus two penalty to

armor quest. Minus two penalty to AC? AC. Nice. Rude. She's been through enough. Round three. The's been through enough. Round three. The star vampire is dead. A big Cthulian monster. He's a star vampire.

He's a star vampire floating in the sky. Waiting in the attic. He'd like to drink your blood. Aldo, you're up. He's a star. We're having a good time. We really are.

All right. Whose turn is it? Aldo Casimir. Aldo. All right. So he gets this black burn mark on his arm from where she slapped him with his spell. And she says, good news, love. We won't be looking at you much longer.

Tosses another bomb at her face. By the way, sorry, I don't have any candy tonight. Boom! I have a good excuse. Because I forgot. So,

I will, though, is anyone coming to the Seattle show also? All right. If you come and present your ticket from this show, you'll get a free thing of candy. Why don't you throw some dice? All right. Natural 19!

No! Aldo on fire! Literally. Gross. That's... That is 14 points of fire damage, and she is on fire. Crap. Crap.

Crap. Cuts through the de-rizzle, and she is on fire. I just love the idea of DR.R. being called Drizzle. Yo, she got some drizzle. That's how your parents would read it. What's drizzle? Mom, that's D. Rizzle. All right, there's a little fire behind her.

How about a little fire, Scarecrow? There's a star. This is a very interesting situation. Bungleby Luna, its awful tentacles release you. Its mouth, the suction just slaps off of you as it falls to the ground, burning

from Aldo's bomb. You feel a little lighter after giving blood. Would you like a Lorna Dune? He feels so sick, but he's getting over it. The shaken is gone. Yep. The nausea is gone. Gone, Sony. The grappled

is gone. Gone. His bonuses are back to full. And he will delay. A little bit of everything tonight. I need Sir Julie to get up there and then I'm going to flag that shit. Sir Julie, you're up and because I'm stupid,

you're five feet away from a full attack. I thought you were just giving me a gift. I would never give you a gift. I thought you were in the spirit of Christmas. Five foot step. 149 days away from Hallmark movies starting. First attack with the great power attack furious focus.

19. 19 to hit. Her AC has been lowered by this douche bag. Making it exactly a fucking 19. Yeah! Fuck!

Fuck! And the bull strength. Teamworking. When I was walking in Memphis, in a manville. 25 points of damage. 25 points of damage. Not all of it gets through.

Don't blame me. My strike got a little drizzled on. It had a little drizzle. Drizzle, a little de-rizzle on that strike. Joe, would you like to do the honors? No, no, no. Natural 20! Oh!

Critical threat. God, she's such a beast. This is so awesome. This is so fucking perfect. This is why I want to touch the small of your back. Does that confirm? Matthew or Sir Julie? A little bit of Bacalloman.

Does that confirm? 15 to confirm. 15 to confirm. But exploding dice? Does it get? Was it an at 20? Yeah. All right.

No explosion. That's 24 points of damage. Not. All of that gets through. And now you're right next to her. And it's her turn. Bungleby Luna is going to go. You piece of shit.

Yes. Yes. Fuck. Bungleby Luna is going to go. You piece of shit! Yes! Yes. Uh, fuck. He's not going to... Come on, come on! Time's up. Yeah, shit. What do you want to do?

He's literally five feet away from being able to flank, but he can't. So he's just going to move up here and attack once. Move up, attack once, okay? You're standing on a box? He jumps on a box. Okay. Unless you're telling me I can't, which is fine.

That's fine, you're tiny. Natural 20! Oh, my God! Natural 20 Oh my god I'm confirming this shit I swear to god I'm confirming this shit Come on Portland

Portland Joe Portland Joe Portland Joe Portland Joe Here it comes No No Vanity Portland Joe! Portland Joe! Portland Joe! Here it comes! No! No! Vanity! I can feel it coming!

It's going to be a fan critical! Oh yeah, fans! Fan critical! Let's get a Portland critical. Oh, God, I'm going to have a heart attack. Is Skylar here? Skylar! Skylar!

Did you hear that orgasmic? No, that's me! Can I make a request that if you're ever here for Fan Critical again, when you acknowledge, you just say, Beef! Beef! Beef! Beef!

The dude of the beef! The dude of the beef! What did Skyla say? Skyla said, Extra planer crank zoning. Oh. You hit your target with such vicious might that you send them traveling through space,

time, and a random plane. Wait. What? What? What? So all it is, is it's a lot of flavor. So double damage plus 1d6 energy damage.

Which will cut through DR, which is nice. And then you roll randomly to determine the type of energy by which plane she went through in that brief moment. That's kind of fun. Very fun, Skyla. Nice work. Thank you, Skyla. Shit. Max damage.

Oh, wow. Which isn't much. Which isn't much. Okay. It's 18. 18 points of damage. Okay. Not all of that cut through.

Well, some of that's energy. Plus, let's see what the random energy is. It's going to be water damage? I guess ice damage. If she was a house, she'd be fucked. Right. The resale damage is just plummeting. Usually water damage doesn't affect the attic.

Through the plane of water, and she takes four points of energy damage on top. So 22 from Old Bungleby with a dagger. You guys did it! You got me the Natty 18! All right. He'll break your heart. He'll break your heart. He'll break your heart.

Don't get too excited. Wait, you forgot to tell me to describe my killer. It is Sir Julie's turn. No, it's not. It's her turn. Oh, that's right. Oh, wait, I mean, yes. It's Sir Julie's turn.

It's Sir Julie's turn. I'm so stupid. She takes a five foot... Actually, she takes burn damage here Well I Now because she passed through the plane of water You're a good man Skidmon I would argue that the fire would be extinguished

You know what That's worth a bottle cap That's just playing the game The way it was meant to be played Play it real Did she and her garments Pass through the plane of water? Did she what?

Did her and her garments pass through the plane of water? No, she nakedly moved through the plane of water And then was shunted back I don't know when the last time you traveled between planes was But unless you take great care You go through naked I've seen the Terminator movies. Chunk, chunk, chunk, chur-chunk.

It's her turn. She takes a step back and she starts crouching down and she's like, my baby boy, my baby boy, where have you gone, my baby boy? And as she says that, she starts to fucking grow.

No! No! And as she grows, the floor begins creaking under her weight. Oh, no. And you feel the floor start to shift under you like it's going to collapse. And it is Halster

Price's turn, with a family of rats living in his anus. I got to put a roof over those rats and I got to feed all of them. And I'm going to do it right now by stepping up to the plate and swinging for home, Troy! You're a good dad! You're a good dad!

She big! Oh, swift action before I step up. I'm going to use... I'm reduced on my fervor for the day by having that negative level, but I'll use one of my last ones in order to cast bull strength on myself. I don't need your life stories. All right, here it comes. That is a 16 to hit.

Oh, no. Now, her AC did go down, and you did give her a curse. Where's the curse over? Curse still going. It's a minute. Not a hit. Still not enough. Not a hit. Where's the curse over? Curse still going. It's a minute. Not a hit. It's still not enough. Not a hit. She's at 17. Very close. Very close.

Minus four to Dex. Shit! So sorry. So sorry. I'm not that sorry. It is a new round. We'll call it round four. Might be round five. I don't know. But it's Aldo's turn. Aldo, what do you know? Aldo is going to take a five-foot step back and away from her.

And he is going to toss another bomb in her direction over Halster's head. Fire damage cutting through DR if you can hit. That is a 12 against touch, AC. She big. With the curse and with the big, that is a hit. Yes! Walking to Memphis, baby. That is 13 points of fire damage, and she is on fire again.

Well, that fire will go out pretty quickly because she's dead. Yeah! Aldo, baby! Ba-boom! Because I was walking in Memphis. Walking in Memphis. Jesus Christ. Ba-boom!

All right. You are out of combat. Her enormous body falls to the ground, burning as it does so, and as the lights go out, her body shrinks back to its normal size, and the floorboards creak no more. Oh, you wanted those floorboards to break so bad.

Oh, man. It was really just to scare you. Oh. You look around the room. Seems like she was taking care of these potted plants. Projecting herself around town. Attacking you in the town square. Attacking you right after you met Ichabod Douche Nozzle. Ready to give her a perception check.

24. 18. Natural 20. Oh! Alright, so I imagine you're going about this room searching it thoroughly. Yes.

Watering the plants with her blood. All right, so I imagine you're going about this room searching it thoroughly. Yes. Okay. Watering the plants with her blood. Those of you who rolled a high enough perception, find in one of the plants, maybe your natural 20 there, Bungleby, you find hidden in one of the plants, like in the dirt, a folding leather pouch. And inside of the pouch is a finely cut

emerald worth a thousand G's. Nice. A silver necklace set with garnets worth 400 G's. Nice. A pair of black pearl earrings worth

150 G's. Damn, racking it up. A gold ring set with a large diamond worth 2,500. Whoa. 13 freshwater pearls worth 10 gold pieces each. A jade comb worth 100 gold pieces. I don't think there are freshwater pearls. And a silver and amber bracelet

worth 120 gold pieces. Why would you lie about the water the pearls came from? It seems so petty. That's why they're worth so much. They're the only 13 in existence. They appreciated that response. And so you go about searching this room, looking through the boxes,

trying to find out what's going on here. You know, her monologue to you revealed a little bit of her sad tale. You had obviously fought the ghost, I think it was a revenant or something, of Climes Pret, who was barricaded in the dungeon below the fort, Fort Halecourse. And so now you see what happened. She was fooling around on the side with this guy. She really loved him. The count found out about it.

Was going to kill him. They poisoned him with some ritual and it transformed her. So all the time, the city thought that she died of the same wasting disease that her husband did. But it appears that Laws knew that she was just living up in the attic. Yeah. He stuck his mother up in the attic yeah he stuck his mother up in the attic yeah yeah something strange happens though because as you start to look about and dig into all of these things you're looking around at everyone in the room and aldo

halster and sir julie eventually that Bungleby is gone what the fuck he got to the hallway looked down the stairs gone Sony we don't even smell a faint trail of shit?

You do, but you don't see him. He's gone while his smell lingers. But it appears you have done everything here at Iris Hill and you have all the information you need to follow the count. If you go downstairs and start to look about, Bungleby is nowhere to be found. How much time do you spend looking for him? If any.

The crowd just goes, zero. 14, 15 minutes. Yeah. You look about. I think that's a fair amount of time. I think at that point we could be like, you know what? It's just really worth it.

He can never flank. He never gets there. We're really looking, though, for those 14 minutes. Oh, no, we're looking intensely. You take it seriously. You look around and you start to notice

a couple things. You notice that Big P is gone as well. And several of the objet d'art that were laying about the mansion are gone. You little sneak. He's on his way to donate them to the museum.

She's so innocent. He wanted to leave early, to be there when the museum opened. Exactly. Museum of Stolen Goods for the Enrichment of Big B. Bungaby. So, maybe from there we then cut to a scene of Aldo and Halster and Sir Julie pushing a wheelbarrow. With Atticus in it.

Frozen in amber. Upside down. Upside down. Awkward. Just pushing it, heading back in the direction of town. He wouldn't want to alarm the townsfolk to see the look of horror on his face.

So we just stick him ass up. It's a rickety wheelbarrow, too. It's really hard to keep going. A lot of bumps. Yeah. And you head back to the Sleepless Detective Agency, and Winter is there,

and will say that she has already caught Cesedia up on everything that she has already caught Sassadia up on everything that she knew. But you're able to give her the full picture of things. And you gotta think, the Count's gone, Melisande's dead,

the Magistrate's dead, the Royal Accuser is dead. Sassadia may be the only one that can kind of take control of this and she's respected in town. Is she gonna become the next man? You don't know, but like this is the person you want to talk to. All the government officials are gone so let's name this private

investigator. The administrator for the town. It's in the town charter. It's one of the stipulations. Forget it's a city. It's Threshmore. She's relieved to see you and as you...

My private investigator. My mayor. My private investigator. My mayor. She's relieved to see you and even more relieved that the troubles in Threshmore are probably coming to an end now

that you've eliminated the cult and Millie Sen. Where did we start this? Did we start it online? Yeah, we did that two-day marathon. In 2020, right? We did all of part one in that. And you met Cecilia, and she was like, get out of here, lowlife.

And so she apologizes again for that. She's like, I see that you're good people. I see you're legit. All the cultists are gone so we've driven the Irish out. No more druids and no more Irish in our town. You catch her up on everything and the nuts and bolts of it

are going to be very important to you. So you tell it to her. You're like, it appears the Count has arranged for a journey to Casimir, planning to meet up with his old friend, Myacnean Mun, to translate and research the Necronomicon.

The Count is then evidently planning to travel even further south to find the lost city of Neruzavan for some unknown purpose. And perhaps you tell her that the final stages of the Count's research took place through dreaming, and that an occult ritual sent him and Aldo, Atticus, Houser, all those people into the dreamlands to speak with a figure known as the Mad Poet, which is why you can't remember your past. So, Cesedia listens to everything you say, hanging on your every word, mouth agape. And the moment you finish, she says, my word, so you need to get to Casimir.

Yes. And she thinks, she's like, that's over a thousand miles away. But perhaps I can, yes, perhaps I can be an aid, of an aid to your journey. And she starts looking through papers. I could arrange passage for you. I mean, it's going to take months to get there.

You'll need to take a ship. You'll need to take a ship, but most of the vessels that dock in Thrushmore are coal barges coming up from the Danver or simple fishing boats. You're going to need something larger to travel that greater distance and to do it quickly

to stay on the Count's trail. Yes, there is a ship. There's a fucking ship called... She pulls out the adventure path book. She pulls out the script It's written down right here

There's a picture of me in this No wonder she's such a good investigator Yeah she's like There's a ship called the Selen Starling She's helmed by a feisty halfling Named Skywyn Freeling And she's set to arrive Within the week.

I will arrange for lodging for you here in Thrushmoor as a small token of thanks for all that you've done for our town until the Selin Starling comes to port. After that, it's a fucking river adventure.

Oh, yes! We're back, baby! And you all level up to seventh! Yes! And that's the end of book two! Yeah! How about an epilogue? how about an epilogue

they're all cheering Atticus frozen still in amber not knowing that he's now seventh level but knowing that he still has the plague and we'll roll on it immediately when he comes out of that. From there

we cut to a room where we see Bigby pulling things off the walls, throwing them into a sack that's overflowing with the Count's shit.

And then we see Bungleby, maybe, pass by the doorway looking, and you see Big P. What are you saying? He comes down in like a rush and like runs his fingers through his hair, and he's like, Harding,

have you gotten everything from down here? Big P is startled He's like, for God's sake, Falco You scared the shit out of me Where are the others? They're in the attic Now's our time Okay, come

Perfect, I have everything Here, just grab a bag Let's get the fuck out of here No, no, no, no, no There's one more One more thing Come with me But we don't have time

They could come down here any minute. Let's just go. They're so busy looking through crates up there, and the Atticus is going to take them hours. Downstairs, there's something you must see. He listens to see if Atticus Aldo and Sir Julian have realized that they're doing this shit, and he's like, all right, fine, fine, lead the way.

Go, go, go. Be so paranoid. We have time. And he leads them downstairs to the room where we found Winter. Where the star still lay. Where the star still lay. Stileth, the last one. And he walks up and just says, There.

There it is. And Harding, not Big P, looks at Falco, not Bungleby, and says, What? It's... It's worth more than you could possibly imagine. What do you mean? This monolith?

We can't carry this out of here? Oh, Harding, my dear. We won't need to. Look. And he doesn't take his eye off the obelisk. Look at the walls. And he's pointing to like the masked figures in the clouds

with the city buildings and everything on the side. Wait. Is this from that painting that we found? that you refused to sell? You have a good memory, my dear. Well, you were a fool then and you're a fool now. I don't know what you're doing, but we can't take this.

Let's just get out of here. and as Harding turns around to leave, Falco Ward, with a glaze over his eyes, turns, grabs him by the back of his hair, and slits his throat. Oh, my God! Just coughing blood coming back of his hair, and slits his throat. Oh my god! He's just coughing blood coming out between his fingers. He's sputtering,

and he's looking at you in shock until he hits the floor. Falco's looking at him like he barely knows him. And then he kneels down and presses his hands into the blood that's pooling on the floor. Looks at the blood and turns back to the obelisk. And starts smearing it down the obelisk.

And starts smearing it down the obelisk. And just says, Thy will be done, my master. I'm coming home. And as the blood drips down the stela, it starts to glow with an otherworldly light, a glow that envelops Falco Ward, formerly known as Bungleby Luna, as he steps through to the other side.

And we'll see you in Seattle. Portland! You guys are the best! Portland! All of you guys are amazing! Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you, Portland.

Skyla! Skylar! you