The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 38 – Murder, She Boat

Episode Date: July 26, 2022

With the Count's destination now known, the heroes board a boat for a months long journey down the Sellen River. The boys were joined by Paizo's own Erik Mona for a sold out show in Seattle, where they began Book 3 of Strange Aeons and the conversion to Pathfinder Second Edition! Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Grant Berger and Matthew Capodicasa as they tour the country playing the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Pathfinder Adventure Path. Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/QVrTaBxRkGI Recap 19:21 Gameplay 30:14 For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com and for exclusive content and benefits, subscribe today at patreon.com/glasscannon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Chauncey was going to take me on a trip to the place he's from. From the producer of Megan, Five Nights at Freddy's and The Black Phone. Alice! Alice! Alice! Get out! Now. Many kids have imaginary friends. Ready or not. Just because you stop believing in them doesn't mean they're gone. Here he comes.

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No bank appointment needed. It's easy and only takes a few minutes. The sooner you get started, the more time your down payment has to grow. Open an account today at Questrade.com. Oh, my God. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! How's it going, Seattle? Wow, sold out in Seattle. Pretty sweet. You know, I'll be honest. At first I was worried That I wouldn't have anything mean to say about Seattle

Because frankly, I've always enjoyed my time here As you all know, I'm from Boston And I love Boston And Seattle kind of reminds me of a Boston If Boston sucked And nobody bathed or cut their hair that's what I think of when I think of Seattle

but I'll tell you I've been there a couple days we went to Portland, a great town a couple days ago and I realized what my favorite thing about the Pacific Northwest is. It's getting on the fucking plane to go home. That is my favorite part

of visiting the PN... You don't like it at all? The PN dubs, Joe! You don't like giant trees? I got trees in my backyard! Good Lord! What happened to these towns? I went to get some seafood,

wanted to get a lobster roll down at Pike Place Market. It looks like World War Z down there. Do people think a space needle is full of heroin? Is that why they come here and never leave? Don't you go sharing those

space needles, Joe. That would explain the people sleeping outside of it. They used to throw fish back and forth out of the market. I want to see that They were throwing live rats Can you believe it?

Live rats I knew that COVID wrecked most of the world But when did the PNW turn into Thunderdome? That's what I want to know New York bounced back Let's go, Seattle! I don't know I've been accosted way fewer times here than I was in Portland.

That's true. I have to say. That's true. Portland makes Seattle look like Shangri-La. That's true. Don't get too excited, Seattle. You know where you're going. It's a very low bar.

I think we've established that. Trees. What about the trees, Troy? The crisp, clean mountain air. I just love that you came to the Pacific Northwest and went looking for New England lobster. I had to compare. There's an ocean here, too, Troy.

There's an ocean here, too. Our ocean's better. Everything's better. It's not the size of the ocean that counts, man. It's what you do with it. It's how you use it. It's how you overfish it. It's how you overfish it.

Now all jokes aside I'm glad we came out here Because coming out here makes me realize I have no real reason to ever leave the east coast Because it's so much better Today was the first day I think there's only three days a year It doesn't rain here And we're here for one of them

Which was nice But then it's wildly humid and muggy, and I'm just soaking wet. I'm like Joe O'Brien at a cheesesteak convention. Just soaked all day long. I've gone through two family-sized bottles of Gold Bond, just trying to keep my situation dry. Do you know about the Gold Bond, Grant? Yeah, I did a couple years ago, and now I'm really comfortable here.

Yeah, well, you lost a lot of weight. Shut up. Just living my best coast life, Troy. Must be nice to be thin, have your thighs not touched. Do you have a thigh gap, Grant? Show everybody your thigh gap.

You can't afford it. Nope. I'd like to un-Seattle that. Shut up, it's early! Just get warmed up! Folks, we've got a hell of a show for you tonight and I figured it'd be fun if we kick things off with a little surprise.

You might notice. You might know we're having a good time. You might notice there's an extra chair down there. No, it's not for a memory of someone who no longer plays with us. It's not for the prophet Elijah. Nope. Nope, that's the wrong month. We are going to bring out a special guest this evening.

And while they are not originally from Seattle, they may still wear Birkenstocks on occasion. And they may also drive a Subaru. I'm not 100% sure. But unlike most people in this city, they have a job, which is good. They are the publisher of Paizo Incorporated. Ever heard of this racket?

He's here and he's bringing back a little tiny murderous friend. Give it up for Eric Mona! Mona! Mona! Mona! Mona, how did you tear yourself away from the seven people at your airport con? Jesus Christ! How did you find the time

in your schedule? He's lobbing weapons of mass destruction out here. Seriously. Well, Troy, I'd like to welcome you and the glass cannon to Seattle's preeminent burlesque stage. If you guys play your cards right,

this is going to be a show to remember. That's for sure. How are you, buddy? We haven't played with you in a dog's day. I am fantastic. I am looking forward to some tiny murder clowning.

Yeah. As am I. As am I. It's been too long. Where has that son of a gun been? That's a great question. He always seems to disappear when Eric's not available for shows. It's so weird.

Well, thank you for coming tonight. It is a joy to have you here. We, I saw a memory today on Facebook. Do the kids still use that? The Facebook? And it was, The kids do not use it. No.

They call it meta now. I, it was the first PaizoCon that I went to solo. We like, all threw in 45 cents so I could fly to Seattle and stay at the Motel 6 like eight blocks from the con. And you took me to the Scotch party, the famous Scotch party.

And I got blackout drunk. And didn't know anyone there. And then you all proceeded to take pictures of me. Yeah. And so I saw those pictures again today. Oh, good. Oh, good, good, good. I thought your tradition was you fell asleep early

like an old man. I get tired, Matthew. You're a father now. Shut up. Speaking of Matthew, now I'd like to introduce you. That was the smoothest one yet. Seamless, seamless segue.

That one burned like no other. That was so seamless. This is how the pros do it. I'd like to introduce you to four men who remind me of Seattle. all unscripted. You have to trust me. It's all unscripted. Check my notes. I'd like to introduce you to four men who remind me of Seattle. They do. Because sometimes I think

I miss seeing them. Until I finally do and then I'm like eh, I'm good. That was good. I'm good. First up is a petite young man who looks like a toy maker wished him to life. Give it up for Matthew Cabanacasa!

Matthew. Yes? You're the real boy. I was talking to the Blue Fairy yesterday, who might have been an undomiciled fellow in the Capitol Hill improvement zone. How has your Pacific Northwest journey been thus far? I'm having a great time. I love it out here.

You should stay. Will you have me? How would we replace that tireless dedication? Will you pay to relocate me? Because I hear the average rent here is quite high. Name your price, Kevin Acasa. I want your equity, though.

Folks, next is a man who biked 34 miles around Seattle this morning, but then still saved time to walk across the Pacific to save Tokyo from Mothra. He's a real giver. Give it up for Grant Berger. Grant Berger. You and Mothra have had a real, real long-st storied history.

Yeah, it's all because Mothra didn't invite me to their 18th birthday. And it has been downhill ever since, Troy. How are you? Did you go biking today? I just assumed you did. I didn't go biking. I ran a little too far in Portland and now my knee hurts. And I think I just might have to retire because I was

an adventurer until an era. Cool nerd humor for the locals. Fuck you! This town sucks! I agree with Troy! So, what are you going to do to work out now? I want to get you fat like me.

I think I kind of sadly did 20 minutes worth of an elliptical today and tried to tune into CNN, but it was a black screen because the cable wasn't working at the Doubletree Hotel. Don't blame me, man. Eric, I'd like new towels, please. That's eric.mona at doubletree.com

Come up to the presidential suite. I'll set you up, buddy. Hey, let me ask you this. Do your cookies not have walnuts? No, my half-eaten cookie from check-in is still there if you'd like the second half of it for me. Mine was gone by the time I hit the elevator.

I'm very hungry. The real bummer is they added nutritional facts to the back of those cookies, and now you know how fat you're getting. Don't look at that shit, man. It'll make you sad. Just don't look at the serving size. Ah, only 300 calories.

Serving size 8. 8 the entire time. Folks! Next is a man who thinks the Puget Sound is an actual noise. And he wishes he wishes it would keep down all the racket because it's interfering with

his hearing aid. You wild sound. Puget Sound. Give it up for Skidmore! Give, give, give, give, give, give. Give, give, give, give. Wow, Seattle Skid. All right.

I don't know what they're saying, but it's very enthusiastic. I appreciate it. All right. Yeah. I don't know what they're saying, but it's very enthusiastic, so I appreciate it. Turn it up a little. Skid, we didn't talk about this. It's not in my notes, but let's bring it up. Skid and I shared a room in Portland, and the first night we turned on the television, I believe it was channel 37, and there was a young lady eating a man's asshole. Now, here's the thing.

I don't often enjoy that type of television with a friend. But there it was. Not a work friend. Not a work friend. College buddy, maybe. But there was this weird thing where we were watching it and trying to understand, is this happening? It's like 9pm

Why is this on our TV? It was really hardcore stuff Is he just looking for his keys? No, he's eating it You're welcome guys Thank you Mystery solved I feel like we did a good job of watching it

for the exact amount of time that was appropriate considering the situation before anyone was visibly aroused we were able to click away and moved on started watching SportsCenter did you talk about it or did you just pretend it never happened no we did

we talked about it we went looking for it again the next night talk about it or did you just pretend it never happened? No, we did. We talked about it. What? We went looking for it again the next night was the thing. Yep. We needed more evidence to corroborate our... We couldn't find it. It was weird.

Did you see those lights in the sky? No, they're not there. We didn't find it. Yeah, it was an anal probe. Yes't find it. Yeah, we did. It was an anal probe, so... That's what we thought of that. Very odd. Yeah.

It wasn't the worst thing I saw, though, this weekend, because Grant and I stole Matthew's TV so that we could watch Morbius last night. And, yeah, that ate way more ass than what we were watching. I pointed out while we were watching it that Jared Leto lost as much weight as he did for Dallas Buyers Club. And then Skid was like, what was your...

Well, yeah, but it's not like he did it to play Shakespeare. He did it for Morbius. And it was like, it's a cartoon vampire. And it was just like, yeah, I lost 87 pounds to play Count Chocula. I was so proud of him. After they stole my TV, I had nothing to do, so I was walking in and out, watching the movie.

When the movie was over, Graham was lying in his bed, reading the Wikipedia for the plot. She couldn't understand what happened. After they had finished the movie. You're a cheater, Grant. Always been a cheater. Well, that made less sense than Morbius. Interpret it for yourself.

Folks, lastly is a man who, before making love to his wife, borrows a phrase from a local hockey team and says, Honey,

are you ready for me to unleash the Kraken? To which he replies, Is he unleashed yet? I don't feel anything. He has a tiny penis, folks. Joe O'Brien! Show on.

The old tiny penis joke. How are you, buddy? You son of a bitch. There they are. This is a skid town. This is a skid town, not a joke. It's clearly a skid town. Thank you.

I love it here. I love this town. I love it here. These are this town. I love it here. These are my people. You'll get them back. You'll get them back. You're a natural one away from a hug. You've chosen Paul East.

Yeah. I'm great, man. I love the trees. I'm a big tree guy. It's beautiful here. As soon as I get off the plane, it's the first thing I see. The skyline, the greenest, darkest

trees in all the country. I love it. That's why they call them the Irish Lorax. No Irish Lorax need apply. That's right. I'm a big mountains guy. Mountains, trees, that's my favorite. The East Coast mountains are pathetic.

They're not even mountains. You can't call them mountains. I take my kids there and I'm like, we're going to hike a mountain today. And in the back of my head, I know I'm lying. What mountains did you find in Seattle? Mount St. Helens? Mount Hood we came up from Portland?

These are real mountains, Matt It's true Rainier, of course I'm aware of the mountains in the region I just don't think this is a city on a mountain I just haven't climbed Rainier yet Climbed Mount St. Helens Climbed Hood

Solo, no lobes Let us know when you We got a free solo in business Climbed Mount St. Helens, climbed Hood. Solo. No lobes. We got a free solo business. I'd watch that documentary. I know this isn't a big climbing crowd. Let us know when you complete your Sherpa training. We have a lot to get to tonight. This is a big show because we are starting a new book And we are starting a new game system

And as much as I'd like to stall Seattle, let me ask you a question Should I Alright, you've decided, goodnight everyone Should I, all right, you've decided, good night, everyone. Should I ask Grant Zilla to take it to the recap? Take it to the recap! Grant, take it to the recap! Beautiful. Beautiful.

I missed it because I was checking the Celtics score. Did they win? No. The down by four with 12 seconds left. Vamp. No. Tonight! Tonight! No. Down by four with 12 seconds left.

Vamp. No. Tonight. Tonight. We begin not only book three of the Strange Aeons Adventure Path. Do you remember when we started this? We thought we'd get through ten sessions and they would have canceled us. But we're resilient.

Unlike your city. So tonight we begin book three and we also begin Pathfinder second edition. A game that we do not know how to play. And what's different about that? We admit it.

We're open about it. We hired the author of book three, Ron Lundeen, to translate the 1E mechanics to second edition because not only is he a master of his craft as an RPG writer, but he was also recommended to us as one of the best at converting 1E to 2E. So there may be some of you out there who think you know book three of Strange Aeons. Well, let me tell you something. You don't know Jack, sister! I thought that would get more of a response.

I think you scared a lot of them. Well, that's good. I want to keep you in your place. You've been yelling at them for 15 minutes straight. Really fired up. I had a lot of caffeine. It's like demoralize, demoralize, demoralize. See, Joe knows the rules.

It's really demoralize, demoralize, demoralize. See, Joe knows the rules. It's really to moralize, to moralize, to moralize. Love me. Joe, give me some recap music while I pop this ice cold Bud Light. Our newest person that still ignores our emails to sponsor us. That's truly soda. Give me some good recap music. Make it good. And when I change the tone of the recap,

change the music. Okay. We open on a carnival somewhere. Fuck. Fuck. And then quickly we're at the ocean. Sand. Beach.

You're fired. He's the best in the biz. Book three. Book three. Talk about book one. Book one focused on our heroes waking up in an asylum with no memory of who they were, no memory of their former lives or how they got there,

an asylum where the inmates had taken over and where a fissure between universes allowed creatures from other worlds to seep in. As they struggled to regain their sanity, they fought their way through the nightmare and came out victorious. Book one. While in the asylum...

That took a lot longer in real life to play. That's a really good recap of book one. Tight. While in the asylum, they discovered that they used to work for a man named Count Hazerton Lahls IV,

the leader of the county and the one that committed them to the asylum. So in book two, they head into town to investigate and find one that committed them to the asylum. So in book two, they head into town to investigate and find out that not only is the count gone, but several people have gone missing and the count left his hands, left his hands, left his estate in the hands of a woman.

He left his hands behind. Left his hands in the estate? Left his hands in the estate of a woman. Just clutching a note. Get these hands out of here, she shouts. Who lies next? After the hands were

cleaned up, you discovered that he left the estate in the hands of a woman, a woman who was heading up a cult, a cult that was kidnapping people, murdering them, and

using their blood To power gateways To another world So you infiltrated the Count's manor You killed the woman, you killed the cultist You killed the aberrations That seemed to be Attracted by this cosmic energy

To Thrushmore And you finally Figured out where the Count went. Just a couple nights ago in Portland. It appears... The Count went just a couple nights ago to Portland?

Is that where his hands were? He's been there the whole time? You went in search of his hands. That's a bottle cap, yeah. Celtics lost. This night could have gone. Oh, yeah. How'd Portland do this year?

How'd your local basketball team do? No, come on. Did you guys? Did Sean Kemp win MVP? Shut up! Come on. They were playing great for a while in another city.

What a bunch of assholes. I know. I'm really doing... This is how you win over a crowd. This is... What was I saying? I don't know. It appears that the Count, this Count, you've learned a lot about this fella.

He was obsessed with raising his stature in the scholarly community. Even though he inherited the title of Count from his ancestors, his father, his grandfather, his great-grandfather, they all held the role of count. He wanted to be a respected scholar. But by the boxes of unsold books of his that you find, it appears that not unlike Matthew, he was a hack. We're best friends in real life. At some point...

I learned a lot about what Troy thinks best friends mean just now. Don't get on my bad side. At some point, Lyle's trying to regain his reputation. He becomes obsessed with three monuments in town. Three monuments that he discovers were placed there

apparently before the dawn of man by alien entities that were sort of claiming this world for theirs. A far-off world. These monuments are known as the Star Stelae, and the cult in town was sacrificing people to power these stelae to get to Carcosa. Maybe

you've heard of it. You speak of Carcosa? Carcosa, Carcosa, Carcosa, Carcosa. The Count's research uncovered that there is perhaps another trio of similar monuments elsewhere in the world in a city that has been lost to time called Neruzavan. Eventually he begins experimenting with dreams to try and further his research. that he has gone as far as entering the dreamlands and at some point brought most of you with him and sacrificed your minds

so that a figure known as the Mad Poet would tell him where to find a book called the Necronomicon. Oh, man. This is so awesome. This is so cool. Yeah, if you like this shit, this is great. He needs the Necronomicon because within its pages,

he believes he can find the way to this lost city. He finds out that apparently the Necronomicon can be found in the city of Cthir in Cthira, very far away, thousands of miles away from Threshmore. So Lawless is traveling over a thousand miles away to try and find this book, which will lead him to the Lost City, lead him to these other stars to lay. For what? You don't know. His old buddy, a guy by the name of Myaknian Mun, sent him drugs that he used to put most of you to sleep so that he could take you into the dream adventure, and he's meeting up with Mun

because Mun is going to help him translate the Necronomicon once he gets it. Final paragraph. Promise? There is a boat leaving town within the week that you can find passage on to take you on this month's long journey. You have a couple days, which you are glad about, because your rat folk wizard is still frozen in amber from popping a sepia snake sigil trap that just froze you. And you get the plague, motherfucker. It's true.

Bubonic plague. While searching the Count's manor, you've found tomes upon tomes, books, journals, all notations by the Count. Things that you need to study and you're going to have plenty of time to do so. There is a lot going on. But you have a couple days before you leave.

What, if anything, would you like to do? Joe, you are still frozen in amber. I guess we should like put him in a bathtub or something Wait for when he wakes up You know before you tell me what you want to do Let's talk about your level up I want to talk about this Because it's interesting and it will kill At least 15 minutes That's what you pay to see No this because it's interesting and it will kill at least 15 minutes.

That's what you pay to see. No, this is very interesting for a level up. So now you're seventh level, but we are translating these characters to second edition. So I don't want your life story, but I need to know what I'm dealing with because you're all going to be overpowered right now. I imagine that you're just, you're rich and you've broken the game. I gave Joe this beautiful tome that was sent to me by Beetle and Grimm.

You guys know Beetle and Grimm? Beetle and Grimm makes these amazing chronicles for a bunch of the classes. So the only class that was actually being used up here was wizard. So I brought this to Joe, and Joe has read it cover to cover in the last three days. And retained nothing. Joe, tell me about assuming Atticus will wake up with the plague. What happens?

You're leveled up in your second edition. You've spent a lot of time here. You've had some help. You've called in some ringers. Tell me about second level. Yes, I have to thank Mr. Eric Nielsen. I don't know if any of you know him, but he's an amazing PFS GM

and a longtime Niche member who I was like, help me convert this to second edition. And it's a lot of work and very scary and not anything like first edition at all. So yeah, there's a lot of bobbing and weaving that gets done. There's going to be a lot of new stuff. But I can tell you this, I am so excited because the 2E wizard is so badass

compared to a 1E wizard at this level. I'm firing shit off left and right. I predict no more delays. Wow. Oh, wow. Wow. That's right. I think delays were a 1E problem.

Care to make it interesting? I'm listening. Ten bucks? A little rich for my blood, Cavitacasa. All right, you're on. Ten bucks. I will give you... Wow, wow. How many episodes? What's the term?

What? How many shows? It has to be long enough that he'll forget about it because he's stupid. So let's say by San Francisco, he can't delay it. Alright, that's four more shows. Ten bucks. Ten bucks. Deal. Matthew is going to be ten bucks richer in an hour.

Give us a sort of Reader's Digest version of some of the things that Atticus has changed about him. Well, Reader's Digest, the cantri the things that Atticus has changed about him. Well, Reader's Digest, the cantrips are incredible in 2E, so you can cast a lot more. A lot more fun stuff. Spells are all different. He's going to have different spells. But he's still an illusionist, which is going to be really fun to play with.

And, yeah, wands work totally differently. And I'm excited about wand usage. I'm excited about wand usage. I'm excited about wand usage. Yeah, I don't know. For the most part, I think it'll come out as we play, the new spells and such. But I'll tell you this. I'm also never going to fire a fucking crossbow again, ever.

You can leave it at the Count's Manor. No need to bring it. Grant, I did have... I brought you another Beadle and Grimm's book. I brought you the Cleric Handbook. But it turns out you didn't need it. Tell us why. Because I am a fighter with a cleric dedication.

fighter with a cleric dedication. The unholy alliance of vermin that are currently running rampant inside of my colon have taken over my body. That's still a problem. And refocused my martial desires. But I still have a lot of

phrasma-themed abilities. I have spells. I have phrasma lore. That's gotta be basically a war priest. Let me ask you this, because I don't know how to play this game either. These dedications, do you like take multiple levels like you would a multi-class, a traditional multi-class, or you just take that dedication

John, and that's it. One time thing. You cannot select another dedication feat until you've gained two other feats from the cleric archetype. So you take the first one in place of one of your primary class feats. I sacrifice one of my shield abilities. That's what I'm excited

about in terms of combat, is I have this feat called Aggressive Block. When I do shield block one of your monsters, you get to decide if I get to push them five feet or if they are flat-footed until the beginning of my turn. Interesting.

And if you decide that they move, I get to decide what direction they move in. And I like that a lot because of Halster's cowardice and being able to just kind of, like, that's how I pictured him fighting more, and I never got to do that mechanically, so I'm very excited to see.

He's also now the primary damage dealer and tankiest character. Okay. Shocker. Fighter. Fighter with a little Clary dead and a shield build. A little deadly shield build. Deadly shield build.

Matthew, Sir Julie has changed considerably. Considerably. There's going to have to be some story changes about her, because you have a completely different character. Now, Paladin works differently in 2E in that there's three different kinds of your traditional Paladin. Which one did you choose?

Well, I chose Paladin because I'm now a champion. So I'm a lawful good champion. Champion. Which is chose Paladin because I'm now a champion. So I'm a Lawful Good Champion. Champion. Which is a Paladin. Lawful Good Champion is a Paladin. You could have been a Liberator or a... Redeemer.

Redeemer. I chose Paladin because that's what Sir Julie was. Okay. Anything else interesting about her or you? Nothing. No. I think that we'll discover a lot of the new abilities when we go in. about her or you? Nothing. No. I think that we'll discover a lot of the new abilities when we go in.

Spoiler alert, there was literally nothing that translated from her archetype. Literally nothing. So I was just kind of picking stuff that felt like her. I'll give you one example that I think you'll like. I took a feat called Dubious Knowledge. Dubious Knowledge.

Well, she spent a lot of time in the asylum and maybe her memory is a little altered. I took a feat called dubious knowledge. Dubious knowledge? Yes. Well, she spent a lot of time in the asylum, and maybe her memory is a little altered. Yes, so it says you're a treasure trove of information, but not all of it comes from reputable sources. So when I fail a knowledge check, you have to give me one piece of true information and a bit of erroneous knowledge,

but I don't know which is which. true information, and a bit of erroneous knowledge. But I don't know which is which. You're a very particular kind of player. Feels like Sir Julian. You just like making me work. Yeah, that's the thing. It's such a big fuck you to Troy because his first instinct

is to make the dubious thing be a joke. But if he does that, we're going to know which one is dubious. So he's going to have to work even harder to come up with something that sounds like it could be true. I'm very excited for this. We are going back to 1E

in the District of Columbia. I also predict that Grant is right and Sir Julie will do less damage in 2E. But I don't know that you'd be the most... You're the tankiest, Grant. I think I might be tanking without dealing as much damage. It's a tank-off!

It's a tank-off! Tank-off! Let's see it. Skid, I know you've been studying this around the clock. You had such a masterful handle of the 1E alchemist. I imagine this was just like riding a bike, learning the 2E. Yeah, this morning I felt very, very bad and nervous and anxious

to the point where I told Matthew and Grant the chances were that this version of Aldo would either be taking a lot of naps or in the worst case scenario, taking his own life so that he could be replaced by someone of a simpler class. But I was able to, I spent some time in the glass cannon room at PaizoCon today. Check it out. And I had a lovely, great time cannon room at PaizoCon today. Check it out.

I had a lovely, great time. I had a great tutorial session. Caleb and our friend Tim Nightingale were able to walk me through some of the basic concepts. Thank you. And our friend Grace Rogers, who's somewhere. Grace actually learned all of our characters and is on Discord right now. Well, she told me that she's going to spend all day

studying the Alchemist class, and I could refer to her for any advice over the course of the show. So I feel way better. I feel way better. Outsourcing is the way to go. Yeah. So, yeah, he's got a bunch of different powers.

He's basically like... The concept that I had to wrap my head around was that his bombs are basically the same thing as his formulae. They're kind of treated the same way. So he's got like 12 different magic things that he can do over the course of the day with his reagents. They can be bombs or they can be other things. I have a bunch of new bombs, a bunch of new abilities,

and Werner the Hedgehog has a bunch of things that he can do for me, too, that are new. I forgot that he made the compression as well. Well, that's cool. I'm sure this will be fun to see in action. You know a little bit about The Alchemist.

I do. I do, yeah. It's really fun. It's a little tough to translate, but once you get it, it'll click, and it's pretty simple to, not simple to play, but it's simple to understand. Yeah. At a certain point.

Eric, we haven't seen Tiny Murder Clown in a long time. Yeah. But, you know, I imagine he's been through some shit. I imagine so, yes. He's been through some shit. I imagine so, yes. He's been through some shit, and he is somehow also 7th level, which is so cool. Anything you want to share with us about a 7th level monk in 2E? Well, I think one of the most exciting things for me

is I now have a plus 9 in circus lore, which is something that... Yeah, I'm hoping that comes into play pretty frequently. Wrong adventure path. There is something Lovecraftian about circus lore. Absolutely.

Didn't we just start at a carnival? We did. Oh, that's true. Joe, the carnival music? Fuck. Actually, I have a rank in clown lore, which is actually listed in the thing. Oh, fuck. Actually, I have a rank in clown lore, which is actually listed in the thing. Oh, good, good, yeah. Well, we'll have a lot to talk about.

Yeah. I've got all kinds of fun stuff. I've got, I can taunt people. I've got, you know, the traditional flurry of blows. I can crawl around on my hands and knees in a special way. You know, these things are all going to come into play today, I think. Were you on the channel that Troy and Skid were watching? Well, my face wasn't.

Maybe he was hungry. You are a hungry ghost. I am a hungry ghost. Wow. We are vile. We are a hungry ghost. I am a hungry ghost. Wow. We are vile. Well, that's very cool. I want to hear all about where the hell you've been, because the last

time they saw you was like two Philly shows ago, I think. Yeah, it's been some time now. Yeah, and they were still in the asylum, but now they're out. So say we all. So say we all. So say we all. Going back to my original question, you have some time now.

Time that is mainly there to let Atticus come out of the amber. What do you want to do? You want to buy anything? I sent you a bunch of lists of gold and the translation between gold and 1E and 2E is also a

fucking headache. But I'm sure you guys spent most of the day figuring this out. So what did you want to buy? I would like to buy a Sharpie so that I can go to Atticus in his amber and draw a mustache on him. Oh, that's fun.

You know what? You find a Sharpie. Yes! Save your money. Yeah, we should definitely deface him. I imagine as you were pushing him in the wheelbarrow from Iris Hill back to town, you were taking the Christmas lights off of him from

the Christmas party that you had. So now he's got a fun little mustache there. Maybe a dick or two. Maybe some glasses. Yeah, glasses. Four eyes. What are you really doing?

A question often asked at our table. That's a Joe line. That's a Joe thing. That's a Joe thing. I spend some gold to upgrade my greatsword. Ah. Okay. Because it's fucking striking.

It's fucking striking. Oh, shit. Oh. What does that mean? Oh, you're not going to like this, LaValley. I already hate it, and I know what it means. What is a striking greatsword? You basically double your damage dice.

Got to hit me first. Yeah. That's why I also spent some money to upgrade it to plus two. Boom! Did you save any money for the rest of the players? I think so. Grant, what did you buy? Or was there anything left?

I mean, I got everything I wanted with no limits because that's what I do. No, I would love to... What I want to do that I haven't gotten the clearance to do yet is I can wear heavy armor now. And that Grim Gloom mail, which played a big role in our Portland show,

like, there's no way for me to remake that, really. I added a dread lesser. Eerie symbols cover your armor, inspiring terror in your foes. It's fun. It's neat, but it's cool. I feel like I'd like to change the heavy armor,

but I'd also kind of like to say that I spent all of the money allotted to me and then tell you what I bought in the district of Columbia. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I, Matthew had asked me this earlier. Can there be a lemon law since we don't really know what we're doing?

And I said, no. Skid, what did you... I have it in writing that you said yes. What did you buy, Skid? Anything? I did buy a couple of things. I bought... I can also... I can wear medium armor now.

Fun. I bought a suit of chainmail. And I bought a pair of alchemist's goggles. What do those do? They give me a bonus to crafting alchemical items and

a bonus, a plus one bonus to hit with my bombs. Wow. Which is cool. That's pretty amazing. Yeah, and I also bought a bunch of other things that will remain a mystery until Washington, D.C. Because I don't know how this game works. Right, right.

Joe, did you buy anything for your frozen character? No, I prefer to role play the situation. Okay. Well, we'll say a couple days pass, and suddenly the amber starts to melt, not unlike Han Solo in Carbonite. We see your stupid rat lips. They're suffering from hibernation sickness. Hibernation sickness. Hibernation sickness.

And you come out, and the first thing you feel is fatigued because you have the plague. Shit. You're so tired. You've been in there for seven days. You're so tired. You've been in there for seven days. And because you failed your save, you failed your save in one E,

and now we move to the two E version of Bubonic Plague. And you are immediately fatigued, and I need a fortitude save right now. Oh! In the great city of Seattle. The only city in America that still has the Bub city of Seattle. The only city in America that still has the bubonic plague. Give me a fort save. O'Brien, you don't want stage two of this.

I know, I'm really actually very nervous. First roll of the night. Are hero points transferables now? They are? Or not? Let's talk about hero points. Ooh. I don't like them. Eric, I don't want to talk ill of your game.

Why don't you make a game where you don't need cheating tokens? Because that's what they are. But because they cried and they whined and they had their parents call me. It's called a play test, Troy. I am allowing it, but we're not calling them hero points. We're calling them bottle caps. And all of you will start today with one, but Skid, you earned a cap in Portland, which we'll transfer over.

Unfortunately, it's only worth half a cap in the translation, so you have one and a half caps. Oh, no. The cash value of a half cap is five cents. Okay. Okay. Yes, Grant. The question I have is that I would like to perhaps hesitantly at first, because I see this rat, this large vermin-esque creature that I have a new experience with since you've been locked up in Amber. Right, and now I think he can, as he comes out of it,

he can smell the rats within you. That's the title of my autobiography. The Rats Within Me. The Rats Within Me. I don't know if everybody's caught up on this, but Grant was sick last month, and rather than just having his character sit out, the other PCs shoved him in a sarcophagus full of rats,

and some of them... To protect him. To protect him. Yeah, as a protective measure. And Grant decided some of them have now made a home inside of his colon. So you have a newfound respect for Atticus. What do you do?

Halster says, want to make a video? We'll put it on Channel 37. I think we could have a happier, much wealthier life together, my friend. You'd be seen in every hotel in America. I would like to treat disease. I have healer's tools. I like this. In fact, I have slightly better than average healer's tools.

Wink, wink. In fact, I have slightly better than average healers tools. Wink wink. And I'd like to spend at least eight hours caring for a diseased creature. That diseased creature in front of me. Played by Joe O'Brien. That's so nice. Can I aid you in this?

I don't know about aiding on top of this. I was trying to throw Troy a curveball by attempting a medicine check against the diseases DC, which I assume he doesn't know. I have it right here. Oh, you do? I think. Got him! I have the fortitude DC. Is that a good thing? Yes. Can I play nurse to Halster's physician? No.

Roll your treat medicine. You're lucky I'm even letting you do this because it takes eight hours. He's been in amber for all time. Once again, talking to Grant. Teenagers. Plus 16 on this roll.

Plus 16. 27. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's a critical success. Yes! Oh! I don't know what that does, but... It gives you...

What is the bonus? With a critical success, Joe receives a plus eight on this roll. No, plus four, plus four, plus four. I lied. Okay, great. Thank you, Grant. Plus four to your fortitude save. What could go wrong?

And I'm holding you in my arms. He's like shivering, fever, sweating. Thank you, Alston. Oh, God. I thought that was... Oh, God. It was a natural seven. It really looked like a natural one. It really did. So what's the totes?

The totes is 23. You no longer have the plague. Yeah! I love it! Two E-mechanics at work. Nice job, Halster. Let's fast forward through this nonsense. You no longer have the plague.

You have some new tools and new powers. And you head down to the mossy keys, thrusting into Avalon Bay in the city of Threshmore. Let's see the city of Threshmore there, G-Money. Ooh. Look at that beautiful city. There it is. We saw that before. Yeah, that's what it looks like. You head down to the Mossy Keys and

as told to you by Cesedia Rents, the head of the Sleepless Detective Agency, none of the simple fisher folk or the coal barges from Hyannis or lake traders have ships capable of making the journey from Thrushmore all the way to Casimir. They're not fast enough.

They're not large enough. Fortunately, she has given you the name of someone who could take you that far. And that person is, according to her, a feisty halfling captain named Skywyn Freeling. And her ship is the Selen Starling. So once you get your shit together, the four of you head to the bay. You arrive there and you're walking down the docks, looking around. And sure enough, you see a halfling that fits the description that Cesedia gave you. And it seems that she's arguing with the harbormaster. Though she stands no more than three foot tall, she's ripped. Her large eyes are a deep blue in contrast with her tawny skin.

She keeps a curly mass of auburn hair and a messy bun at the back of her head. And she's dressed in a tunic and leggings, a chain shirt. She's got a rapier in her waist. She looks pretty cool. Then there's this fat dude in an ill-fitting harbormaster's jerkin giving her the business. And you hear, you overhear this as you're walking up. He's like, I'm not making them reload it, and you'd best be on your way, shorty. And this halfling, in her high leather boot,

she jabs her finger up at the guy, and she's like, what do you mean you won't reload it? It's loaded wrong, you overstuffed sow. Ships can't just list to one side like you drunkards. Hardwood is heavy and as thick as your skull. Your people loaded at nine stacks deep to port

and three stacks starboard. I've got to get all the way to Casimir, and I won't make it if my boat rolls on its back as easy as your mother after two ships of Chardonnay. Whoa! Two of them are going at it like a

catcher in an empire. Kicking dirt. It's getting tense. This guy's big and she's giving him the business. What, if anything, do you do? Throw a bomb. Throw a bomb at that guy. I'll teach you to

speak loudly to a halfling. Shouts. No, I don't know. She seems upset about the way the harper master and his people have loaded wood into the hold of her ship. You see the ship right there. What are you thinking, Matthew? We approach. You approach, okay.

Good start. You walk up. What do you do? I say, excuse me. We approach on horseback. We're all on horseback. Get off your horse. We approach on horseback. We're all on horseback. Get off your horse. We look down at them. Excuse me.

Are you the captain of this vessel? I don't know why I'm speaking in this voice. Are you the captain of this vessel? As a matter of fact, I am. Who are you? Ah, I am Sir Julie Andrews, Knight of the Dawnflower, and these are my friends And they shall introduce themselves

Hello, I'm Aldo Casimir, good day I'm House of Price And Atticus Grimm of Ustalo Well, I don't give two shits who you are I'm trying to get this harbour master here To have his men fix this wood on my ship So unless you're fixing the wood Keep it moving to have his men fix this wood on my ship. So unless you're fixing the wood,

keep it moving! Well, surely this man, this harbormaster, surely he would appreciate a job done well, right? I told my men to put the wood on there, and they put the wood on there. Our job is done. Well, it is so hard to manage people these days, isn't it? Are you talking to me,

Troy, or the harbor? I was talking to my compadres. Yes, agreed. Surely, perhaps we can excuse a miscommunication and maybe we can make it worth your while to

just make sure everything's in proper order. How about a diplomacy check? Alright. Diplo. A little Diplo check Sony. Natural 20.

Oh! Natural 20. Oh! It's critical, Fred. Critical, Fred. Critical, Fred. Treaty of Versailles, motherfucker. What's the total?

That is a 32. The harbormaster looks at you, and he seems taken aback by perhaps a glow about you or your geriatric beauty. I do have that effect on people. And he said, well, I don't want to cause any fuss, I suppose. All right, all right, man. Will you fix it the way she wants it? Pointing at the halfling. I'm sorry, I just...

We've got a lot of ships we've got to load. I understand, I understand. Appreciate your help. His men start fixing it. And the halfling looks at you and she's like, That was right! Mighty nice of you! Thank you for doing that. You didn't have to do that! I'm sorry I snapped at you.

Ah, think nothing of it. I've already forgot. Why did you say your name was? I am Sir Julie Andrews, Knight of the Dawnflower. Knight of the Dawnflower. And your friends, yes, well, you didn't have to do that. That was very nice of you. Thank you. I am actually oath-bound to do good in the world, so...

Well, it's good to know there are still people that do good. I myself am trying to do some good. I'm ferrying people down to Castle... And she says that like an old woman and an old man walk up to her, and they're dressed rather nicely and the halfling is like eyeing them and the man

he's like pardon me madam I couldn't help but overhear your heading to Casimir my associate and I points to the older woman we're looking for passage that way as well we are actually returning to Casimir after

a sabbatical here in Ustilov. May I ask how much passage may be? And Skywin eyes the man and the woman. She's like, well, pardon me for saying so,

but you don't look like the fighting type. The cell in passage can be a bit thorny, so since you'll mainly be baggage aboard my vessel, it'll be 125 silver pieces each. A fair rate for an over 1,200-mile journey that normally goes a copper piece a mile. And the woman speaks up. She's like, oh, yes.

More than fair. Gosser. She says to the man, Gosser. Weird name, Gosser. Pay the young lady. While we may not be able to defend your fair ship, I'm sure we can regale you

and your crew with stories of days gone by. We are teachers, and we love nothing more than sharing our vast knowledge with those who skipped college and went to a trade school. And they pay up, and Skywind's like, Get on the fucking boat. I'm sorry, what was it you were saying? We hope to join you as well. Perhaps

you've been in contact with Cesedia Renz. Oh, Cesedia Renz. Slaveless detective agency. Yes, I know her quite well. What? Detective agency. Did you just lose language for a minute? What the fuck?

I don't know why I? I don't know why I had the basic episode for a second. That's why I committed to this accent. Slamless detective agency, yes? So Sadia,

she is quite, quite a wonderful detective. Yes. What about her? Sean Connery and the Untouchables, ladies and gentlemen.

This is really incredible. He's here with us tonight What about her? I know her, yes She said she would arrange passage for us We are also going to Casimir Well, son of a bitch And we can fight You know, I did speak to Susanna recently And she said she had a couple people that wanted to join my ship.

Well, I'll say, unlike those two old-timers, you look like you could perhaps help protect the ship. The seven passages are not exactly completely safe. So how about 75 silver pieces and you agree to help defend the ship? If we run into trouble, we might not. I think that sounds more than fair, gentlemen.

Yes, I agree. Yeah, that seems like fair dinkum to me. Thank you, Todd. All right. And she says, is it just the five of you? I'm so sorry Five of us Are you having difficulty with basic mathematics?

You are supposed to be the captain of a vessel, no? Well, I'm sorry Are you telling me that this tiny man in a red hat isn't with you? Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! a red hat isn't with you? Ah! Hello, my old friend! Where have you been?

It's so good to see you again. It's your old pal, Tiny Murder Cloud. Oh, yes, I thought I recognised him. Oh, my. Oh. I thought I recognized them. Oh, my. Oh. I thought we'd never see each other again. Ever since I escaped from that asylum. You

escaped, and then what? I just, I was wandering around in the mist. I found a door, and I opened it, and I was free. Why, it was simplicity itself. Escaping is what Tiny Murder Clown does sixth best! Forgive my rudeness. Tiny Murder Clown,

I'd like you to meet Sir Julie Andrews of the Dawnflower. Sir Julie, this is quite a charming creature. A tiny murder clown. My name is Ferbal Haas. Sir Julie Andrews. Very good to meet you. Are you the squire of my old friend? Who is your old friend?

Why, Mrs. Old Lady, of course. Where is she? Oh. Awkward. A single tear. She's dead. No! She had such a powerful soul.

I'd hoped that maybe one day I could get to know her better. Well, you won't. How fortunate. Because she is very, very dead. I am so sorry to hear that. How did it happen?

I was not there. How did it happen? Poor tactics. You know, I loved her so, but I did see that coming. Well, how have you been? It's been so long. I've had a wonderful couple of months. How about you? I've lost some time, tiny murder clown. I've had a wonderful couple of months. How about you? I've lost some time, tiny murder clown.

I've been in the dark. Alone. And he stares off into the distance. Creepily. Well, I've had a lovely time. Yeah. Met a lot of new people, seen some new

places, read some new places Read some books Really? Yeah, changed my character completely Turned up a new leaf as they say We do have an additional companion of course Werner Oh yeah, and he's like You can see him like turning over and the tumor in his neck

And he's just like Oh, he hears you talking about him He like peels open the flap of skin Like pulls it. He's just like, oh, is he talking about him? He peels over the flap of skin and pulls it out. He's like, there he is. He doesn't bite. Well, he does, but not if I don't tell him to. What am I looking at? What are you holding in your hand? It's a viscera-covered hedgehog

that lives in a tumor in his neck. He's adorable! He's just like... I just waddle up and just try to pet him. You'll notice that before, last time you saw Tiny Merchants... He's adorable! and short-sleeved. And you remember from the past, there was always blood caked up all the way to his elbows. That's been clean cut. But as he reaches up to pet your hedgehog, you notice there's just still, like, little lines of blood under each long fingernail.

And he's all, oh, he's so pretty. Yes, all right. Well, perhaps that's enough for today. And he puts it back in the tumor. Feels like a powerful soul for an animal. Well, it that's enough for today. And he puts it back in the tumor. Feels like a powerful soul for an animal. Oh, holy soul. You seem very perceptive about other people's souls. Well, yes, I eat them.

I'm a hungry ghost monk. Ah, that explains it. Yes! Have you eaten any good souls lately? That's my favorite flavor. Oh, the good souls? Yeah, the evil souls are gr favorite flavor. Oh, the good souls? Yeah, the evil souls are grisly. Oh, yes.

Grisly. The good souls go down smooth, and then I can convert them into great power. All right. Well, fervor we have been. After many days, I have awoken. The house lord was a great deal of help Bringing me back And told me of their escape

From the Count's residence We may have some information on why He sold us Why we were sent to the asylum He flees down the river here And so we seek passage Would you like to join us? Oh yes

I need to leave town immediately. For reasons I won't get into now. It has been really fun, but it is time to go. Just like look past his shoulder and see like half a mile away like a

squadron of cops just like running down the street towards the ship. Batons waving. Sooner the better. Good madam, may I buy passage on the boat? Well, yes.

It's going to cost you 75 and just like your friends, you're going to have to help defend the Salad Starling. 75, and just like your friends, you're going to have to help defend the zealot's darling. 75 silver pieces? Yes. Oh, at simplicity itself? And he pulls out like a bat sack. Oh, yeah.

It's like filled with gold, and he's just all, one, two, three. All right, I'm sure you have enough. 75 each, and, you know, when you're ready, get whatever you need. You're going to have to handle your own provisions, but I'd like to leave in about 20 minutes' time. If there's anything you need, you get it along these little shops along the dock here.

Tell us, how does this journey work exactly? Will we be pulling over to sleep, or do we sleep on the boat? You sleep on the boat. We move through the night. Yes, well, on all but the clearest of nights, we drop anchor. We probably will get to Casimir in about two and a half months. Oh, I can't wait to be with you guys for two and a half months. I've learned so many new jokes.

Question for you, Mr. Clown. Oh, yes. You can call me Tiny Murder Clown. Oh, yes. Everyone else does. Mr. Clown. Oh, yes. You can call me Tiny Murder Clown. Oh, yes. Everyone else does. Mr. Clown. Thank you. Tiny Murder Clown.

Mr. Clown is my father, don't... Yes. No need for a formality. As a paragon of goodness, I could not help but observe that my companions here were discovering they were, shall we say, less than admirable in their deeds in their previous life? I'm very admirable, I assure you. All right, then. I trust you. Excellent!

You're a hell of a paladin, Sir Julie. I am an expert in looking the other way. Indeed. The most chiefly useful skill for a paladin, I find. So what do you need? We're going to get ready to go. She sails about ten miles a day,

but her speed is obviously dependent on the currents, whether the wind blows for a favorable direction, which can be unreliable when we get into the more forested areas. We must pray to the dawn flower to guide us. Whatever. Whatever. I pray to the wind and the sea.

You said we're on the river. I never pray to the river. Never. Always to the river. I pray to the... I never pray to the river. Never? No. Never pray to the river? Always to the sea. The sea and the wind.

You've got a lot to learn about sailing, rat. I've never been on a boat. I don't know how my stomach will take it. I hope you don't get wet, because a wet rat stinks. I'll try to stay inside, then. Let me ask you this. I'll allow it. You spoke of dangers along the river I'm sure they are varied

But is there anything you can tell us About the encounters you've had before Perhaps we could get provisions That would help us before we leave Well, I've made the journey up and down the cellar Many, many times I know what to avoid And what to not avoid, as it were.

What exactly do you not avoid? That pretty much sums it up. But you never know what you're going to see out there. We're going to be skirting wild country, going in the shadow of the Five Kings Mountains. Oh! Oh!

Come back! Traveling all the way down east of Andoran. You never know what you're going to see from the sky or the water, but the cities, the dark cities that lie along the river, I stay clear of them.

So, you've made this journey many times. Yes. But you never know what you've seen before. Well, I've seen this journey many times. Yes. But you never know what you've seen before. Well, I've seen more than you know. That is undeniably true. Yes. For you've spoken of nothing. Yes.

Things that would make your hair curl. Are you a hairdresser? It's time to go Get on the fucking boat Yes Get on the fucking boat Get on the fucking boat Will you introduce us

to your crew? Oh my crew There's shit Perhaps you would like to introduce us to your crew one by one One by one Please One by one.

Please provide a one-to-two-sentence description of their characters. And let them all speak to us directly in their own voice. Yes. As they address us. Let me hear the music in it. They don't take part in any encounters. They're just... They're just there.

There's six of them. It's in their contract. Yes, they're just... They're just gay players. It says they don't talk much and they won't get involved if you get into combat. But I'll introduce you to them nonetheless.

That up there is Fingers O'Toole. if you get into combat. But I'll introduce you to them nonetheless. That affair is fingers, oh, too. Is this an all-Irish good boat? No. All fingers. There's an untold story here. Somewhere. Why are they all Irish?

He's walking on a tightrope right now. We did drive the Irish out of the city. It's always Capitacazza that does this to me. That's fingers, he waves. That young lady there is Fanny Crebinger. Hello, Fanny. Say hello to the boys. And what does Fanny do?

Fanny, well, she hoists the mizzenmast and takes it down at the end of the night. And she's the best of the bids. Her father was Captain Crepenter. You've got to write these names down. I'm writing them down. Write them down.

That little feather there, that gnome is Dinky Fustumble. Hello, Dinky. He's mute, but he works hard, and you'll never have to roleplay with him, Dinky. Hello, Dinky.

Now that's strapping, young man. That's Pedro Alacabam. One more time. Pedro Alacabam. Yes, he's from Cadira. We're actually bringing Pedro home. He knows all about the area once you get down past Casimir. Hello, Pedro.

And Pedro, what is his function? Pedro, well, he does a lot. He's kind of the type of guy that does things you don't even notice. The little things. We call him the goo. Thanks, Pedro Alacabam. His father was a magician. Then, of course, you've got Porkchop McIntyre. Is he the ship magician?

Is that what he is? Yes, he was. His father was a magician. He's a close-up magician. When I say Porkchop McIntyre, what's the next one? Porkchop McIntyre. Grew up with Fingers O'Toole. Porkchop McIntyre and Fingers O'Toole. Pork Chop McIntyre and Fingers O'Toole used to own a corned beef shop in Nandoran.

Are they cousins? Well, no, they just, it was a family business. But now they work on my ship. Is that six? No. No. Only four more. That's gotta be six.

That's five. And that young lady right there, the last fucking one is, uh, well, she... The tiefling. Well, she goes by many names. Yes, the tiefling. Quiet. We don't want to let everybody on the dock know.

I have to say, I'm a bit concerned you don't know the names of your own crew. Well, I... No, they've been with me for a long time. I'm just drunk. I was going to say, is that whiskey I smell on your breath? No, that's...

That tiefling right there is... Spinny Pow. Spinny? Don't get on Spinny's bad side. She'll fuck you up. What does Spinny do on the ship? Spinny? What does Spinny not do? Yes, let's start there.

Spinny Pow, she is the cook. Does everything. Spinny, you'll be glad Spinny's there when she feeds you at the end of the night. Oh, so we don't need our own provisions. We will be fed. One meal a day from Spini, and you provide the rest yourselves.

Yes. Pedro Alacabam is potentially a magician. I shall have to talk with Pedro. Do they have any titles? Do you have a first mate, a second mate? Oddly enough, no. We don't have titles here on my boat. Oh, in the Galatari?

And don't expect me to call you sir. Well, I have been blessed by the gods and charged with the responsibility to do good in the world and have a little fun while doing it. Well, I'll tell you,

you sound like Spinny. You sound like Spinny. I think you two will get along famously. Oh, I can't wait. All right, time to get on the fucking boat. Let's go. No time for provisions.

I've got a lot of show left. Now you know the crew, but I didn't catch the name of these other people that have been added to the adventure. The man and the woman. Hey, what are your names? She goes up, and then I'll scan through my notes

because they actually have names. Oh, never mind. And the guy's like, oh, my name is Gosser, Gosser Kelkin. I'm a teacher. I am an expert in the age of enthronement. If that is something you're interested in,

I can tell you all about the Age of Enthronement. And this is my associate, yes, Rebin, Rebin Maliver. Rebin Maliver, and I love the Shining Crusade. But that's not my voice, this is... Imposter! Killer! This salt sea air

Is making my voice get lower Revan Maliver I like the shining We should be leaving now Madam I fought in the crusade Oh the shining crusade I don't know Why they called it now

By the time we just called it the crusade oh well I love a good crusade but the shining is my favorite you don't remember the name of the crusade you were in how odd it's like we didn't call it world war one at the time

because world war two hadn't happened yet Sir Julie you fought in the Mendevian crusade you fought in the Mendevian Crusade. I fought in the Mendevian Crusade. Ah, the Mendevian Crusade. Yes, no, this was a different and much better crusade. You understand that even in the Mendevian Crusade, though, Atticus, things did shine. Undeniably.

Well, good for you. She rolls her eyes And the boat starts to take off You guys jump on as it's floating out of the I would like to address the crew briefly Before we set sail Yeah, there are no There are no titles on this ship I just want to say it was a pleasure

To meet each one of you in turn. I look forward to hearing from each of you over the course of this voyage. And I want to thank you for being extraordinarily open-minded as for taking a bubonic plague-suffering rat onto your seagoing vessel. I'm actually feeling quite well. He got better. I'm much better now. Wait a minute.

I don't have it. I don't have it. I don't have it. Did you take a rapid test? It is well known you can show a positive test and not be contagious. I'm not jeopardizing this trip. It's all I have. I'm not wearing a mask either and he throws her off the boat you're what's wrong with this world

get on the boat alright anchors away anchors away. Anchors away. Woo dude. Can you play some lake music, river, whatever the fuck it is.

A little lake music if you don't mind. And tiny murder clowns are Julie Andrews, Atticus Grimm, Halster Price, Aldo Casimir, Skywin Freeling, Rebben Maliver, Gossa Kelken, Fingers O'Toole, Porkchop McIntyre,

Dinky Fustumble, Fanny Kreminger, Pedro Alacabam, and Spitty Pile. Oh! Oh, I can't wait to meet Spitty. Spitty Pile! You all set off on the

Salad River. And Werner the Hedgehog. And Werner the Hedgehog. And Werner the Hedgehog. And the Dawnflower, who is always with us. I am exhausted. I think they're atheists. Sir Julie. There are atheists in a world

where the gods demonstrably exist. That's true. Hard to believe, Aldo. It's a bold choice. You pay your fees and you join up on this ship and it sets off down the river. Let me show you another map here just to kind of give you a sense of where we are. Here it is. You see, way up here to the top left,

I have Avalon Bay and Thrushmore. You can't even see it, but that's Lake Encarthen. That's where Colonel Luther is from. Nobody fucks with the colonel. You're starting there, and you're going to make your way... You know what I'll do? Just to show you, I will freehand a journey map. You're going to go down here.

Oh, hello, Five Kings Mountains. And you're going to go la-la-la-la all the way down to Casimir. Oh, hey! A little latency on that router. And you're going to go la-la-la-la all the way down to Casimir. Oh! Latency on that router. That is your journey, and she said it's going to take two and a half months. I cannot wait! Yes!

Somebody get Eric a flight to D.C. and Columbus. Yeah, I know. So you're going to be traveling through here, and then if you look where that compass is on the map, south of that is where Kadira is. South of that is where Kathir is, where the count is heading, and then presumably somewhere even further south of there is the hidden city of Neruzabek.

What body of water does the Selen empty into? Down the bottom there? Yeah, down the bottom there. Eric? The inner sea. The inner sea. That's a pretty good world guide. Maybe you've heard of it.

The inner sea. But you're starting way up here in the top left, leaving Avalon Bay, leaving Threshmore behind and you see the city of Threshmore slowly fading into the distance. You spent a weekend there one night, that's for sure.

It just disappears. Not long ago you saw the dock and the city appear and you left the asylum. There was this sense of hope and you get there and the place sucked. But now you've

made it slightly better after murdering several people. And also by leaving. And leaving town. By leaving it, yeah. Day one is rather uneventful. You're getting to know all of the people that I've now named.

Let's role play with them extensively. No. They're very busy. They all have many jobs. they're very busy. They all have many jobs. But you can talk to the scholars or Skywin, if you like,

as the night wears on and you eventually drop anchor at the end of the first day. Is there anything you're interested in doing or you just want to rest? No, we want to talk to every single person on the boat. I thought we made to talk to every single person on the boat.

I thought we made that abundantly clear. Let me tell you about the boat. The boat is a... Just your average keel boat. Wide, about 50 feet long, 20 or so feet wide. And you can see it's seen a lot of use along what is known as the Selin Passage. It has a single large sail and long

poles for navigation that Fanny and Porkchop meant. There is a main cabin atop the deck that is divided into a small captain's cabin in the fore and a large room aft.

And it's sort of expected that the scholars will sleep in the aft room. The sailors sleep out under the stars. And you have the option of sleeping with the scholars

or sleeping with the help. You're, you've paid to be a token on this. Not sleep. Challenge accepted. The, uh, are the scholars married? That's not a deal breaker. You said you won't wear a mask, but

will you wear a, never mind. What is smash Mouth? The hold downstairs under the boat is also divided into port and starboard sections, and that is what's full of this wood that she's transporting. There is a... Yeah, that's the ship. That's all you need to know about the ship. You talk to the crew and they're great. You love them.

They're really sweet. We scour the ship for secret holds that might hold creatures from the Milwaukee Expanse, for example. You scour it and you find nothing. But the whole time,

old Porkchop has given you the eye. Who said you could look in that? Oh, yes, Porkchop. How are you? You opened the door, my friend. You open the door, my friend Fine Just don't know why you're looking around Our ship

Borkchop, let me tell you That's Mr. McIntyre to you Of course You are too familiar I apologize, Mr. McIntyre. I thought you didn't have titles on the ship. Who are you? I'm sorry, I was over, I was, uh, what do you call that when you're listening to the conversation that's involved?

Eavesdropping. Eavesdropping. That's what I was doing, and I'm sorry. I don't like the looks of you walking around this boat, poking your nose where it doesn't belong. Where do our noses, where should our noses belong? Upstairs. Are you coming on to me? I am merely a servant of my goddess.

I do what she wills Is he in as well? Sorry for eavesdropping again But I don't know. You'll have to. No? You'll have to ask the hedgehog. Is that what he calls it?

Werner... Yeah. He would rather not participate but he would like to watch. So, I don't know. By the way, I'm sorry to the one underage fan sitting up there in the Mary Todd booth that we met earlier. This is totally atypical of the material we usually do.

Seems all right. We'll keep it clean and not play out the fact that Sir Julie and Aldo and Porkchop McIntyre have a threesome in the hold of the deck. Hold on, hold on, hold on. While Warner the Hedgehog watches. I am very willing, but I am rather old, and this will take some planning, so...

Check back in the District of Columbia. You tease. Columbia. You tease. So tell me about you there. What is your name? Palster Heiss? That's right. That's exactly right. I'm just

a follower of the Lady of Graves. I follow her here and I follow her there. Why are you acting weird? I got excited about all that menage a trois talk. What did you call that?

Eavesdropping. I was doing that too. There's no funny business on my boat there, Price. There's nothing funny about the business I get up to. I'm done role-playing with you. What about you, rat? What's your story? I'm just disturbed that the music I've prepared for Atmosphere in this journey seems to be gone.

Yeah, mine too. And there's nothing I can do to fix it. I detect a fault in the DI box lines. And if I were to pray to a god, perhaps named Kurt. Yes, exactly. Look into the light. Look into the light. If you could double check our DI box.

Where he lives in the front of heaven. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I told Pedro Alacabam to take a look at the DI boxes. Pedro! Pedro! This Alacabam. There he is. He truly is a magician.

You have... You're as cold as ice You have absolute Do you want to talk to me about anything? Or can we move on to day two? I then would admire your control over your crew How long have you had them? I've known them for quite a while

They traveled with me when I was a pirate in the shackles You were a pirate? Yes Then why come here? I was a pirate in the shackles. You were a pirate? Yes. Then why come here? Well, I escaped Cheliaks when I was but a young halfling. All I knew was the sea, so I sort of just fell into piracy among the shackles. I wanted to get as far away from home as I could.

How did it feel to sail under a flag that meant death? Well, you can make a good life for yourself among the islands. I'll tell you what, I felt free for the first time in my life. I, the... treat halflings terribly in Cheliac. Well, perhaps that's why I'm tough. Because I had to be tough in order to stand up to those other sons of bitches. It's a hard life. And I'm a hard woman.

I'll admit I did things I'm not proud of to survive. Such as? Like what? Praise Kurt. Thank you. Praise Kurt. Thank you. Praise Kurt. Praise Kurt. And all his good works.

Let's just say the life of a pirate is not one that's for everyone. But was it the life for you? I'm talking to the rat. I was doing the thing the others were doing. Well, I'm eavesdropping. Eavesdropping. That's what it's called. Truth be told, eventually I got tired of the life.

Yo-ho, yo-ho. What? Yo-ho, yo-ho, et cetera. Yes. I wanted to start my own business, so I went as far from the shackles that I could. First I left Cheliac's, now I left the shackles, and I bought this keelboat here to run goods, passengers and I'm not going to lie, perhaps some favors for old friends of mine from time to time right here along the

Selin Passage. And I named her the Selin Starling and crewed it with these loyal friends that I've met along the way, Fanny, Porkchop and the others and the rest. along the way. Fanny, Porkchop.

And the others. And the rest. You see four crewmen just lower their heads. Fanny and Porkchop and the others. And while it's less lucrative and less dangerous than outright piracy, now I have enough

coin for myself and to help my family out as well. And I'll tell you what, now that I'm back here I can even visit my family from time to time. This life that I have now, it feeds my soul. And there's no place I'd rather be than on the Selen Starling. Did you just

say feed your soul? Oh! Oh, sorry, I couldn't help it. I overheard... What's it called when you overhear? Age dropping. Age dropping. I just feel like I finally found my place in this world. She's fattening her soul for you.

Do you ever miss it, the pirate's life? No. No, I don't. There were things that went down there that still haunt me at night. Sure, the money was good. But... Such as?

Killing. Contraband Dark stuff Stuff that even you Wouldn't know about Stuff that I Have not thought about As the GM That's how dark it is

You can neither conceive Nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the GM's imagination. Yes. Suffice it to say, I'm happy to be a keelboat captain now. Sure, there's still troubles along these waters, but at the end of the day, I sleep out under the stars with people I know I can trust

and random strangers like you. Random, heavily armed strangers. And heavily armed strangers. Highly trustworthy strangers. And a red cap. It's hair.

What is it? What are you seeking on this journey if you care to share with me? Souls? Souls, yes. A metaphor, I see. Oh, right. I think we're all seeking souls.

Yes, yes, yes. Yes, in a way, in a way. Significantly speaking. What about you there, Price? I once thought that I was a good soul, much like our friend enjoys eating. But then I made... Where's the rat going?

The rat's sleeping. He's going to get wet. You keep away from Fanny, Crouch. The ship must be sinking. The rats are leaving. Yes. No. To the lifeboats.

Hurry. I'm sorry, Mr. Price. What were you saying? No, it's... I just thought that I was walking a strange and winding path, but a good one, and I recently found out that I may have done some bad things in the past, much like yourself. Well, we've all done

bad things. We sure have. I am a paragon of goodness. The point is, there's always time to turn your life around. If you follow a new path, your past, yes, it will always be there to haunt you. But it's what you do today, and it's what you do tomorrow

that counts. I understand why Fingers, Fanny, Dinky, Pedro, Porkchop and Spinny all follow you. Because you're one hell of a captain. What about you, Rat? What's your... Human man, what... What are you seeking here on this river? I seek, well, Werner and I seek deeper knowledge. Deeper knowledge.

You see, we've experienced certain things over the past several days that even you, in all your piracy, might not have experienced. You don't say. Dark dreams indeed. Ah, yes, well, the sea is... Oh, the liver, whatever the fuck this is, is as good a place as any to let the nightmares go away. I don't know, I'm sorry. I was drinking with the crew earlier.

Suffice to say, I will not share these visions with you for fear that you might never sleep again. Well, I appreciate that, Mr. Casimir. Isn't it strange that we're travelling to a town that shares your last name? Yes, I had thought about addressing that at some point. But to be honest, I had thought about addressing that at some point. But to be honest, I thought I'd heard it wrong.

Yes, no, it's Casimir. Maybe we can dig into it deeper in D.C. or Columbus. Maybe. Anywho, we should go to sleep. I'd like to spend several hours discussing scholarly things with the scholars. Yes, I will attend as well. I would like to do that too.

I'd like to get them rip-roaring drunk and see what secrets they spill. And I'd like to get them a bit drunk too with my friends. That's the nice thing about this. Though we're heading deeper into darkness, into dangers untold. At least we're doing it with chums. Eh, mates? Aye?

Aye? Yay! I'm pretty excited about that aspect of it. Who's my best friend in the world right here? Yeah. I just hope I don't chunder. Am I saying that right? Oh, that's brilliant, mate.

Okay, thank you. Oh, you're learning. Chunder. Chunder. Chunder from down I saying that right? That's brilliant. Okay, thank you. Ah, you're learning. Chunder. Chunder. Chunder from Down Under. You have a bunch of books and tomes and journals that you took from Lowell's estate. So you're probably, especially you, Aldo and Atticus, are spending a lot of time digging into these and so maybe these scholars depending on how much you want to tell them

may be able to help you because all of these books are just filled with notes and you can tell that whatever research he was doing it became more manic, more erratic and more difficult to decipher the deeper he got. And we get a sense that

these scholars are traveling simply because it's two large cities, the collection of commerce leads to a collection of higher education, and they move and travel about them. Yeah, you get the sense that they are teachers somewhere near Casimir, and they were just taking a sabbatical to Ustalav. Are they married?

No. Are they married? No. No. But they... Are they together? Well, do you... How... No. You know, there's some weird tension there that you notice.

Like maybe... It should be kind of a will they or won't they, the whole journey. Oh, that'll cover the whole season. That'll be like... Yeah, it'll be fun. Is there a pass there sometime? You feel like there might be a Ross and Rachel kind of vibe.

Yeah, it's a Ross and Rachel vibe. Or is it more Jim and Pam? Or is it more Jim and Pam? No, it's more Ross and Rachel. Nobody told me life was going to be this way. So, you talk to them, you hang out. And maybe at night, as you're bedding down, you spend more time with these books

and trying to find consistent threads among all of Lyle's scattered notes and scrawled marginalia is a daunting task. You're almost glad that it's going to take two and a half plus months to get there because it's like looking at nonsense at a certain point. It's going to require days upon days upon weeks of meticulous research across disparate sources.

Yes. Like a training montage for nerds. It's like show, finding things out in books. Taking notes. Sharpening pencils. Sharpening pencils. Exactly. Cleaning glasses. Cleaning glasses.

You guys finally go to sleep. And you wake up the next day. It passes uneventfully. You're getting to know everyone a little bit better. You're becoming friendly. And around day three, you're probably about 30 miles into the journey, or you will be before the end of the day, because it goes about 10 miles a day. 10 miles a day.

Yeah. And about halfway through the day, a chill fog rolls in. You notice that the crew, all six of them, you know them, they start to seem a little uneasy by this, but Skywin is cool. She maintains her cool,

and she's barking orders. Let's bring her in. Hog the coast of the bay around these parts. And you can see that she's really trying to avoid being on the left side of the river. What is on the left side of the river, Captain?

Well, uh, Julie. Sir Julie. No titles on this boat. There are no titles on this ship Sorry, eavesdropping again So Jules If you look over there That village there on the shore

It's called Hill Marsh Only one person has ever called me Jules Well make it two Well That one person That might be a tale for another time. Are you the one that's been teasing poor Porkchop? With your feminine wiles?

Listen, that fucking village over there. This is the stupidest session we've ever had. Yes. This is the stupidest session we've ever had. This is so stupid. You asked me about that village there. We're trying to avoid it. It's called Ilmarsh. No ship receives a friendly welcome there.

So I like to keep a wide berth. There's nothing but evil in that forsaken town. Pretty ironic name, then. What did you say there? Well, I wondered if it was named Illmarsh before it was evil. You know, I never thought of that. Seems like a strange name. It's like calling a place Darktown.

Portland? Portland. Are you saying there might be evil in Ilmarsh? Yes. Yes, I am. Pull over! No!

No! No, Sir Jules, no! Jules! No, Sir Julie, no. Jules. Abso-fucking-lutely. Jules, no, no. We don't... You don't fuck around with Ilmarsh. I fuck around with quite a few things.

Then... Well, then you can... Where is that music coming from? You can jump off ship and swim there. That music follows Sir Julie wherever she goes. It does. Everybody roll a perception check. Oh!

So what's going on here? You're having us roll these now on Pathfinder 2? I thought you did all the work for us. What? Nothing. 27 for Atticus. Booyah!

Kasha. 33 for Sir Julius. 32 for House of... Natural 20 for Aldo. Critical George all around. What about you there, Moda?

I got a 15. Woo! Well, there's some crime under my fingernails. I'm trying to deal with that. Tiny Murder Clown, nay, Ferbal Hoss, notices something. I mean, I'm still named Ferbal Hoss. Becomes fixated on this, so much so that you don't see what your companions see. But all of you, including Ferbal, see what looks like cloaked figures on the Ilmarsh wharves.

200 feet away. Quiet down in there. Shut up. Shut up, Ilmarsh wharves. These figures are passing what looks like a long barbed chain from one wharf to the other,

rendering the jetties unapproachable by ship. So it's wise that Skywynn is staying away from it. But are they being just unwelcoming to you? You're not sure, because you're pretty far away. What are they hiding? The rest of you notice a few other things. So as Ferbil just becomes fixated on this,

the rest of you see behind you, maybe like a quarter mile away in the fog, another ship, a long ship, coming up the river behind you in the keelboat's wake. But just as you see it, it becomes swallowed by the fog and lost to view. Fuck that. You know you saw it, but it has this weird feeling. Like you look at each other like, did we all see that?

It's like Master and Commander. It's like the opening of Master and Commander. Big M&C crowd. In addition, you level up. You level up. Sir Julie, Atticus, Halster, and Aldo all notice around the ship three large shapes moving in the water rapidly toward the boat. Oh, no.

Almost as if they're coming from the direction of this red-sailed ship that disappeared into the fog. Everybody roll a second perception check. Okay. Second perception check. John. What did you get?

Skit. 28 for Eldo. 28. 27 for Halster. 25 for Atticus. 30 for Sir Julie. 25 for Atticus. 30 for Sir Julie. 25! Yay!

As the four out of five of you are watching these shapes, they sort of dip under the water as they come closer to the boat. And then you all hear sounds that sound like, Help, help me. Help, I'm drowning.

And then suddenly, three large creatures board the ship. Oh my God. That's 75 silver. They didn't pay! They didn't pay They didn't pay You know what? They didn't pay We're going long

Oh We're going long Going long So good your lord We're going long We're going long We're going long So good your lord Roll for initiative! Come on! All right, Seattle.

You coffee-drinking weirdos. All right, Seattle, you coffee-drinking weirdos. Let's take it to the mop. Okay. Oh, shit. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. Oh, man.

Do you remember being on a boat nap? Oh, baby. Look at this weird boat. Oh, tiny-ass boat. This is the tiniest boat of all time. Oh, no! We're going to be on this thing for two months? There's so much smaller than I thought. How can we avoid eavesdropping?

There's Revan and Gossa, and then there's all the crew, and then there's you guys, and three of these things jump on board. Whoa! They are large creatures. They're like the size of a bear. But they have a body like a squat monkey with a dog's face. That's a badger.

That's a badger's face. Yeah. It's a danverine! The badgering dog. And it has a long tail That ends in a claw Oh man Three of these fucking things What did you guys roll Atticus

Oh shitty You were all perceiving so it's going to be your perception 16 I meant to use what you guys rolled for your thing But that's fine Oh perfect 25 16 Aldo what did you roll 16. I meant to use what you guys rolled for your thing, but that's fine. Oh, perfect. 25. Nope.

16. Aldo, what did you roll? 13. 13. See, I like these numbers better. Halster? Close to what I rolled before, 28. 28.

Okay. What about Sir Julie? Jules? 16. 16 for Sir Julie. These are terrible, terrible rolls. That was a natural one. Tiny Murder Clown. 16. 16. These are terrible, terrible rolls. That was a natural one. Tiny murder clown. 23!

23! 23! Halster, you act first. You see these things board the ship, and they're disgusting. What do you do? Halster, it needs to move, although I believe, let me pull up this sweet little document.

I think I can do a quick little, oh, a step. Basic actions, one action. Okay, Halser's going to step immediately to the first creature. Okay. And then he is going to use a power attack. With a flourish. You bastard. Here it comes. he is going to use a power attack with a flourish. You bastard.

Here it comes. Two hit is a 38 to hit. Oh, wow. Critical threat. Critical threat. Was that a natural 20? It was a

19. That is a natural 20? It was a 19. That is a critical success. Yes! Open with a crit! Toggle on the old crit button and let the computer do my playing for me. Here it comes. Double damage, buddy. 42 points of damage.

Wow! Wow. 42 points of damage? Wait, wait. Joe, you said we were going to decide this as a group. Well, there's a thing. You have to decide how crits get rolled. So either you roll and double it,

or you double the dice like the old way. What does it say in the core rulebook? You can do either way, but you have to stay consistent once you choose forever for the rest of the campaign. What did you do? I doubled it. That's what it defaults to. What do you guys like, doubling or rolling twice? Well, that cleared that up.

The result is clear. I feel like doubling it is faster. Doubling it creates, over time, a more average-sized crit. Yeah. Doubling the dice does that. Doubling creates more extreme danger and real weak crits, and you never know. Extreme! I'm going to say, tonight, double the dice.

Okay. Okay. You have one more action, Halster. Double me! Power attack is two actions in this game, and I did a quick little step over. Thank you for being honest. That's it. Okay.

Still a great, great turn. It is one of these creatures, Turen, the one that is in the back of the boat. I don't know what the back is called. Aft? Is it aft? All right. The stern. I'm feeling stern right now. It does an attack with its tail claw

against Sir Julie Andrews, and it rolls a 24. Get out of here. Really? Oh, yeah. Well, Sir Julie, I should mention this tail claw has the agile trait, so I'll do it again.

That's a minus 4, and that's a natural 20. Oh, no. Critical threat. Critical threat. Critical threat. threat Critical Critical Critical threat So the total

Is going to be A thirty Three You're good But is it a crit Yes Well it's twenty So yes

But not because It's plus ten What You didn't You didn't just Naturally get a crit By exceeding his I don't need your

Life story Okay alright Well This is going smoothly. This is going to be ugly. Oh, this is great. Oh, shit. Fuck you up, Sir Julie.

Alright. Oh, baby! Alright, so that's going to be 30 points of damage. Oh! And then, because that claw has improved grab, it will grab you for free. And then it will attempt, with its final action, to tail drag you toward it. So this is going to be an athletics check against your Fortitude DC.

Your Fortitude DC is your Fortitude Bone plus 10. What is that number? 24. Oh, sir. Julie. Shit. It does not drag you, but you are still grabbed by this. Is that a condition I can put on?

I don't know. That guy says yes. He sounded believable. But you're gonna have to use an escape artist or some other shit. It's Tiny Murder Clown's turn. Yay! Okay. Tiny! Tiny!

Get behind me, Captain Skywind! And I close to here and I look at my fist and it's like glowing and suddenly like the appearance of blood goes all the way down to my elbow

and I say nameless vagrant your sacrifice shall not be in vain and I do a keystroke with my soul-empowered fist. Ooh, baby. I rolled

a 17. Give me a second, please. I got a 33. Oh, that's a critical success. Yes! TFC! Is that what this game is? Three? Oh. That's a critical success. Yes! GMC! Is that what this game is?

Is that what 2E is? All right, so double damage, dude. Did we decide we're doubling the dice? Yeah. A doubling, roll and then double. Roll and then dice. It's faster. Until I change my mind.

Holy shit. 33 points of damage. Ooh, yeah. Yeah, baby. Yikes. And just a look of ecstasy comes over his face. Was that attack two actions? That attack was actually three actions because I had to cast a focus spell to get the key.

Okay. I had to cast a focus spell to get the key. Okay. I had to move. All right. It is the other two creatures' turn, and they're mad now. So the one that is ten feet away from Atticus will attempt to do to Atticus exactly what it did to Sir Julie. So it goes to grab you with its tail claw,

and I rolled a natural fucking one. Yes! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yes! Atticus, you wily bastard! Second attack. Uh, Jeepers, 20. Missed. Second attack.

Jeepers. 20. Miss. Yes. All right, then it will just close on you with its final action. And then the one that's surrounded by Halster and Tiny Murder Clown is just going to go house on both of you. First, a jaw attack on Halster. That is going to be a 33, dude. Alright, that hits,

but as a reaction, I'm going to use reactive shield to raise my shield at this point. Nice, there you go. Give me a little plus two bone? Plus two bone, and will that negate the chance of a crit? No, that still hits, but it triggers the... But it's not a crit.

Yep. Okay. All right, it's going to be a couple D8 worth of damage. Four plus eight. Twelve points of piercing damage. Oh! Oh, wow. And then it goes to claw, Furball Hoss.

They roll out of the box. Ooh, natty 18, dude. What's the total, bro? Total is going to be a 31. That is a hit, but not a crit. Okay. No, ow! Ow!

That's going to be 14 points of damage, and then one more attack on Halster will probably miss. Oh, Natty17. That is going to be a 25 to him. Not a crit, but it is a hit. It is a hit. Okay, so then Halster, you take, oh my god, 18 points of damage!

So that thing really ripped them apart. But now you guys have a chance to act because they will be no longer going this round. Atticus Grimm, what now you guys have a chance to act because they will be no longer going this round. Atticus Grimm, what do you do? Atticus Grimm doesn't...

I'm trying to make ten bucks, motherfucker! He's going to... He's going to... I don't know how it works. I don't know what this creature's got cooking. Wait a minute. We're calling knowledge is in action now. Wait a minute.

You recall some knowledge? I think I might recall some John, dude. Yeah? Yeah. Could I do a recall knowledge, please? Sure. What knowledge are you trying to recall? Nature.

Nature. Mayhaps. Okay. I don't know if that's right, but let's try it. What's your bonus? Why are you rolling dice? Oh, it's secret. Yeah.

You slimy bastard. It's plus 11. And mainly I'm looking to know if these creatures have an attack of opportunity. You don't know. I don't know. That's one action. One action. One action. Two actions. Cast a spell.

Does it provoke an attack of opportunity? It does not. Yay! Awesome. Atticus Grimm, and this did transfer over from 1E, reaches out with his magics to control the skeleton of the creature. Yes.

Bone shaker! He grabs the bones from within it! Bone shaker. With bone shaker, and I'm going to need a saving throw. What kind? What kind of saving throw? Roll a d20, and I'll tell you later.

Okay. Fortitude. Fortitude. Dude, I'm rolling absolute rocks over here. It's a 33. 33. You are going to take a nap. Apologies.

That's good. That's good. Take the damage. So that's eight points of damage. Okay. And he moves you off the ship. Oh! Splash!

Now, you do what you want here, but it is five feet. So he moves you five feet up, kind of off the ship. So you could either, you know. I will say, because it was standing halfway on, halfway off as it is, it falls into the water. Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That's wrong. That is wrong. Why? He's right in front of me. Fuck! Hacked it up. What do you mean he's right in front of you? That is the three-action version of the spell. Oh, no.

I recalled knowledge first. Good thing you did that knowledge. Which was really dumb. You can perish yourself. He still takes the damage. He just doesn't move off. You can perish yourself in front of 3,000 people. I'm learning the siesta.

You're being booed. You will match your $10. I should be booed. All right, so you're done with your turn, though. Yes, I'm done. Sir Julie, you better step it up. Can I hit the creature? The creature could it up. Can I hit the creature? The creature could hit me.

Can I hit the creature from this position? No, it has reach. You are a human woman. I'm five feet away from it. Oh. There's a wall there. So it can reach around the wall now? That's how it works in 2E?

Well, it has a fun claw at the end of its tail. Let me ask you this. Do you have a claw at the end of your tail? I'm sorry. I didn't know about the fun claw feet. You can attack it, but I'm going to give it a bonus. I'm going to give it a flat bonus. I'll take a step then.

Now we're talking. Okay. Great. Oh, no. I can't take a step. I'm immobilized. Why are you immobilized? Because I'm grabbed. Okay. Great. Oh, no, I can't take a step. I'm immobilized. Why are you immobilized? Because I'm grabbed. Ah.

Sucks to be you. Well, just swing away. It's fun that you can grab me around the corner. It has a clawed tail. I have a great sword. Not that great. Not that great. Why don't you try an escape artist to get out of this thing, and then you can do the rest of your actions.

Pass. Can I do a swing? Athletics to escape artist. Athletics? Yeah, I believe. I don't fucking know. Who knows? Who the fuck knows?

Try it. I'm going to take a swing with the greatsword first. Okay. That is going to be a 24 to hit. Yeah, we'll say that's a hit. Yeah, there you go. Okay. That will be 21 points of damage.

Okay. Nice. Not bad. Not bad for a grabbed character. Second attack. Okay. That's going to be a 31 to hit. Yes.

That will also hit. Okay. That'll be 20 points of damage. Don't care for that. Final attack, guaranteed miss. Should I go for a final attack? It's a miss. Aldo Casimir, you need to finish this round strong.

Grace, what should I do? Throw a bomb. I'm going to throw a bomb. Okay. How many actions is that? One. I have some pre-prepared bombs that I can throw with one action. They're just lit all day on your chest?

I did. That is... Oh, God. That is an 18 to hit. Wow, that is a miss. Yeah. Grace, what happens when I miss with the bomb? One point of splash damage?

Yeah. Well. Yeah, Grace! Grace! Grace. That's always a cleric, by the way, for our Twitch. Yeah, anyone on the Twitch. But today an alchemist.

Skid, I just want to say you're handling this with grace. It's true. It's very true. It's the end of the night. All right, I'm going to throw another bomb. Oh, there we go. That is a 30 to hit. That's a hit!

Okay. All right, so, yes. That is 15 points of fire damage. And it is on fire. That's two points of persistent fire damage to be it is on fire. It has two points of persistent fire damage to be calculated on its turn. On its turn.

Alright. We're going to the top. Do you have another action? I have one more action and yeah, I'm going to throw a third bomb. Okay. Oh yes! That is a 27 to hit. 27 to hit is a hit.

Yes. Nice. That is 17 points of damage. Holy shit. Okay. 17 points of damage, and it's taking two persistent. Good round, Skid. Good round.

Good round. All right. You're not... Everybody calm down. You're not... Everybody calm down. You're not out of the woods yet. It's the top of round two in our first Pathfinder second edition combat that we're doing 100% by the rules. Houser Price, what do you got? Houser's going to attack three times because he can do that now.

What? The first attack is a 28 to hit. That's a hit. Yes, come on. It's going to be for 15 points of damage on the first hit. Yikes. Second attack is going to be a 29 to hit. That's a hit as well.

Not a crit, though. Not a crit, is it? Not a crit. Okay. How dare you? We are talking about 16 points of damage on the second attack. Hold. It's dead.

Yeah! I just wanted to talk. You have one more action. There are two more of these creatures. Halster will move into flanking position with Atticus. Oh, yes!

Flank bone! Actually, I don't know if there's a flank bone in second edition. Alright, it is creature number one's turn, and he takes two points of fire damage. Persistent fire damage. Yeah!

And then then he takes his claw, and he attempts. He releases Sir Julie. Oh! Oh! Oh! And let me just see here. Am I far? Am I ten feet away from Scooby-Doo here? Yeah, Aldo.

I am going to try to grab you, because I'm mad. No! You threw bombs at me. It's just rude. Here we go. First action. Tail claw. 29 to hit.

That is a hit. That triggers a reaction from Sir Julie. Yes! What? That triggers my... Yes. So first of all, Skid, you get DR9 to whatever damage is coming from this creature. Awesome.

That would have been ten points of damage. So you only take one point. Yes, awesome. And the creature is within range, so I get a strike. Ooh. You're just making up rules over there, Capitagaza. That's my paladin ability, Retributive Strike. I'm going to tell your daughter you're a liar.

Also possibly Retributive Strike. ability, Retributive Strike. I'm going to tell your daughter you're a liar. Also possibly Retributive Strike. Yeah, Retributive. Okay, that is a 32 to hit. Oh, that's a hit. Oh, God. 26 points of damage. Describe your kill. Yes!

Describe your kill. Yes! Let's go. So Sir Julius sees this creature to just attack with its tail thing. So as it sees the tail reaching out towards Aldo and she feels the power of Sarenrae passing through her and she reaches out and a blinding light encases his body

and protects him from the damage and then fired up about it. She's like, the goddess is with me and then takes a massive downward swing and just lops off his head. Yes! I am no man. You see Porkchop McIntyre

peek his head out of the aft cabin and is like... That's my girl. That's my girl. That's my girl. Can't wait to bang her and her friend later. It's Tiny Murder Clown's turn. Come on, man! Wait, wait!

Oh, yeah, it's dead. It's your turn? Tiny Murder Clown moves to here. Is that a valid space? So you move right up to the four cabin, or the four cabin, the four castle the four castle all I know is it starts

the four cabin the fuck cabin? so I move there you move to the fuck cabin and then I hold out my left fist and it blows and it appears as though blood goes Move to the fuck cabin. Yep. And then I hold out my left fist. And it blows. And it appears as though blood goes all the way down to the elbow.

And he says, beautiful barmaid, your sacrifice will not be in vain. And he attempts to do a pretty cool little thing called a... This is not going to go well. I feel like I'm giving Troy some ammunition I shouldn't. Tiny murder clown uses a power called one inch punch. I'll wait for it. Joe knows all about that one.

Damn it, Eric. That's how he's got two kids? Ooh, that's not great. I rolled a... 19? 19? I'm sorry, sir, that is not a hit. Gonna need a couple more inches, big guy.

Sorry. I take my arm, which is all stiff and powerful, and it just sort of goes down. And I'm done. Wow. Yeah, that's it. Three action, Sean. And it is this creature's turn, and he's mad.

And he attacks Atticus to start. He attacks Atticus, and he's going to attack Halster, and then I'll decide what I'm going to do at that point. First against Atticus, 33. Is that a crit? No. Yeah, I know. What the fuck?

He's upset for you, dude. He's upset for you. 20 points of damage, dude. Oh, no. 20 points of damage, and then a claw comes over at Halster Price, and that's going to be a 16.

The price is wrong, Bob. And then I will try one more attack against you at a very, very low chance to hit. And that is 26 with a natty 19. That's a hit. All right. This is going to be a couple points of damage. I made 13 points of damage. Man, so 2E.

There's just a lot of damage going around is what I'm noticing. This is fun. All right. Shut up. It's Atticus's turn. Atticus, there is one combatant left. Okay. Atticus, turn. Atticus, there is one combatant left. Okay. Atticus, again. Now, hit.

Oh, this is different. Shut up. This is different. He feels something different from his time in Caste in Amber. He feels something different from his time in Case in Amber. Yes. He feels... He feels something he never knew before surge through him as he casts a spell he's never cast before. What's it called?

It's a classic. It's called fucking lightning bolt. It's a classic. It's called fucking lightning bolt. Oh! Yeah! Zaps through the creature. I need a reflex save.

Good buddy. All right. Troy, critical failure. I don't want to rain on your parade. Oh, dear. That's a 22. Fail! Yeah!

Yes. All right. Fail! Phenoms! All right, fail! Phenoms. How much damage? Phenoms. Oh, my God! Sorry, I need a minute. 35 points of electricity damage.

Yes! Yes! And then I will cast shield. And then I will cast shield. And just wong, and this shield of force comes up in front of that. Okay, okay. That one had barely been hit, but 35 points of damage puts it on the ropes. Hell of a roll.

I wonder if Sir Julie Andrews has anything to say to this creature. I actually do have something to say. Badger your way out of our business. It's late. It's late. It's very late. Porkchop goes back in the cabin. She had me right up until... So I'm actually using an action.

That was called Bon Mot. Oh. I launch an insightful quip. It's late. Forgive me. At a foe distracting them. Choose a foe within 30 feet and roll diplomacy check against the target's wheel DC. So dumb.

Alright, DC 23. Okay. Fail. Almost there. That bow was not to bone. All right, I would like to... Was that one action or two? That was one.

So for my next action, I would like to get up on the gunwale? Is that what it's called? Sure. Gunnel. The gun Sure. Gunnel. The Gunnel. Gunnel. Getting up on the Gunnel. Get up on the Gun Whale.

You're going to get up on that Gunnel, and then what are you going to do? What are you going to do now you're up on that Gunnel? Jimbo Fisher? So this 75-year-old knight in full plate climbs up onto the Gunnel. Fantasy Gaming. Takes a swing. Takes a swing. year old knight in full plate climbs up onto the gunwale. Fantasy gaming.

Takes a swing. With a two-handed greatsword. If you fumble, I'm going to make you fall in the oil and sink. Strike true. Okay, that's 29 to hit. Yes.

That is 25 points of damage. Wow. That's a hit. Oh, man! That is 25 points of damage. Wow. From the gunnel. From the gunnel. You just hit him from the gunnel. You don't even follow the gunnel. All right, Aldo, we really need you to finish this off. Okay, all right.

Aldo is going to come looping over to the aft of the ship and he's going to stand astride of the flaming carcass of one of the other dead badgers and he is forgot about that getting ready for a surprise and he throws a bomb

that is a 27 to hit that's a hit finish it Bomb! That is a 27 to hit. That's a hit. Finish it! That is 16 points of damage and it is on fire. Still up. Sorry, I'd love to say you killed him.

Wait, wait, wait. We take splash damage from that. I aim it so that Halster takes two points of Spies. I'm sorry, sir. Our friendship is strong enough. I know. See, I knew that

we could still stay friends because of the strength of our bond, even though I've hurt you. All right, so he's going to throw his final bomb. Oh, that is a 30... That is a 34 to hit. That is a 34 to hit. That is a critical success. Yes!

That is 27 points of damage. You throw the bomb. And in slow motion, it flies through the air. You see Fanny, Porkchop, and the others watching with bated breath. Skywynn just trying to take her attention away from the wheel to see and make

sure that you're all taking care of business. The scholars even peeking their heads out of the four thing. The foxhole. And the bomb thing. The foxhole. The foxhole. And the bomb hits.

And the bomb kills the badger. Yeah! And the destructive force is so great that it sends it careening over the gunwale into the water sinking the boat. And it falls. And you hear a loud splash,

but not unlike Gandalf's fall against the Balrog. Seconds later, its clawed tail comes up and grabs Ferbilhoss. No! And pulls him in! No! And we'll see you in DC! That's the show! Pulls him in. No. I'm talking about a clown now. No. And we'll see you in D.C. No.

That's a show. Oh, shit. Yes! Thank you, Seattle! Thank you! Straight out of the kennel! Straight out of the kennel! Thank you.