The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 46 – The Juice Is Loose

Episode Date: September 6, 2022

The crew made their first stop in Nashville for another wild night of Strange Aeons madness! Jared Logan and Sydney Amanuel joined the team as the heroes dealt with the aftermath of the battle with the Razmiran brutes and prepared for another journey into the Dreamlands. Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Matthew Capodicasa and Sydney Amanuel as they tour the country playing the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Pathfinder Adventure Path. Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/eq_XPM8nFzY Recap 20:21 Gameplay 26:34 For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com and for exclusive content and benefits, subscribe today at patreon.com/glasscannon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Expires April 8th. You are listening to the Glass Cannon Network, the premier source for role-playing game entertainment. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, there you are. H-Phil Joe! H-Phil Joe! H-Phil! H-Phil Joe! H-Phil Joe! H-Phil Joe! Nashville Joe! Nashville Joe! Nashville Joe! Nashville Joe! Nashville Joe! Nashville Joe! Oh, I love it! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Nashville!

Yeah! Yeah, Nashville! Seven years ago, the five people sitting up here started a simple podcast. The year was 2015. The White House had just struck a controversial nuclear deal with Iran. A budding Caitlyn Jenner just burst onto the scene. And the internet was ablaze trying to figure out if a dress was blue and black or

white and gold. But the most important thing that happened in 2015 is the five people sitting up here started a show. This five started a show that changed the face

of actual play podcasting. I think it was my idea. It was. We used to gather in Sidney's one bedroom apartment. I remember. It was so small. We'd have to try to keep Jared's dog quiet all the time.

Jared would come over with the soundboard every day. Those were the days. Oh, that dog died. Oh, that dog died. Horrible. Horrible what happened to that dog. I won't bring it down, but... Yeah, I mean, Jared forgave you, Joe, but I won't.

It ruined its last recording. That's all I'll say. I have been excited for this show for a year. Almost a year to the day. We were on stage at the second Atlanta show last year, and I looked out into the audience.

I think Joe was role-playing, and I wasn't paying attention. And I was looking out in the And said you know what next year We're going to do one show in Atlanta And one show in Nashville Because Right Because I was like then I have a business excuse

To go to Nashville And a personal excuse To spend one less day in Atlanta Which is good And we have been here For what 24 hours A little over 24 hours to spend one less day in Atlanta, which is good. And we have been here for, what, 24 hours? A little over 24 hours, and Nashville does not disappoint. It feels like three days.

It feels like three days. My body feels like, you can only eat so much hot chicken. Growing up, I think I had a pretty eclectic taste in music in the 80s. I liked everything except country music. And my mom and my grandmother loved it. And that's all they listened to. And they used to watch Hee Haw. And I'd be like, what is this nonsense that you are watching? And I just couldn't understand it

and then flash forward four decades later and country music is all I listen to besides Christmas music. Sometimes there's a lot of overlap in those two categories. There is a little bit of overlap.

Have you heard Taylor Swift's version of that Wham song? What is it called? Last Christmas? That's a good one. Don't count that one out. She used to be country. But it feels great coming out.

I went to the Country Music Hall of Fame by myself today. It was fucking awesome. They have cars in there. Elvis' car. The car from Smokey and the Bandit 2, which I thought was kind of lame. Like, they couldn't get the car from Smokey and the Bandit.

Also, is that country music? Smokey and the Bandit? There was a banjo played. It's just a movie that takes place in the country. Also, you said you went there alone as if you invited any of us. Yeah, we didn't know that you went there at all. I found out you went there alone as if you invited any of us. Yeah, we didn't know that you went there at all. I found out you went on Instagram.

It's kind of sad that you went by yourself. I just didn't want to be fettered by other people's interests. I wanted to be able to enjoy Hank Williams one minute and Garth Brooks the next without waiting for Joe to pee every three minutes. Have you ever been to a museum with Joe? It's the worst. That's why I didn't ask him. Oh, my experience is we get in and Joe just goes off and does nothing.

Yeah. Museum is a very personal experience. Apparently. Do you guys like country music? We were talking about this last night. Oh, I thought you were asking that. Of course I like country music. Every, I thought you were asking that. No, I don't care about it. And I was like, of course they like country music. They live in Nashville.

Every single person in here hates country music. They might fucking hate it if they live here and they have to hear it all the time. Are you sick of it? Like we're sick of dancing people on the subway? Yes. Really? You don't like country music? No one does.

Do you listen to rock and roll? No one does Do you listen to rock and roll? This is the equivalent of you going to the New York show And talking about how much you enjoyed Going to the Statue of Liberty Have you guys tried Times Square? I had no idea they didn't like it I also heard East Nashville is where it's at.

Is that true? Ooh, classic pander to the crowd. To the hot East Nashville crowd. Excuse me? Jared, but you grew up in Nashville. I grew up in, well, sort of. Well, in Tennessee. Some in Tennessee, yeah.

Were you listening to Waylon Jennings and the Jukebox as a kid? Oh, yeah. You know, we'd listen to Pam Tillis. Big Pam Tillis crowd. The Tillis family is joining us this evening. Thank you. We'd like to say thank you to the Pam Tillis family. We loved Vince Gill.

Vince Gill. Reba. And Dwight Yoakam. I liked all that music. I still like that music. At the museum today, there was a room with just film playing. And it showed this Garth Brooks concert with a million people in the audience. And then it cut to a Dwight Yoakam performance with another thousands of people.

And then it cut to a Fritos commercial with reba mcintyre from like i mean it had to be been like 82 or 83 you ever watch her sitcom reba no i'm amazing i'm a survivor it's amazing it's amazing she's a survivor she's a survivor reba has has that music video where she plays herself directing a music video about her cheating husband who she blows up on a boat. Yeah. It rocks ass.

That's country music. That's country music. It's good. It's beer. It's whiskey. It's pretty girls in cowboy boots and it is killing your ex-husband. Troy, didn't I see, didn't I join you technically on a country music Peloton ride where we rode to the night the lights went out in Georgia?

Did you join me on that ride? It might have been one of the times I high-fived you and you didn't high-five me back. I didn't recognize your handle. Sexy bike guy three. I don't high-five guys with that handle. Sexy Bike Guy 3 is definitely nice. One and two were taken. I'm pretty excited about tonight.

This is wild. This is a fun weekend for us. We came in yesterday. We're heading to Atlanta tomorrow. Unfortunately, I could stay here for a fucking month. A month! I came out of the Hall of Fame today and I was like, it's 1230,

let's drink. So I went down to Honky Tonk Central, which was pretty sweet, and I just sat at that bar and housed Miller Lights, and I felt like I was in heaven. How do you feel now, Troy? Hell. I feel like I was in heaven. How do you feel now, Troy? Hell. I feel

like I'm in hell. But that's okay because I've got four of my friends up here, so now I'd like to introduce you to them. Two people who I respect very deeply as artists and two other people.

I'll take that. First up, you may have seen this young lady in Milwaukee and St. Paul earlier in the year. Or maybe you listen to her every Friday on a little show called Legacy of the Ancients. Or maybe you watch her

every week on Get in the Trunk. Yeah! Or the new smash hit, Voyagers of the Jump. Woo! Well, now she's on the fucking tour. Yeah! Give it up for... Remind me your name again.

Cindy Emanuel, everybody! Cindy, Cindy, Cindy, Cindy! Thank you. Thank you. I'm a survivor. I'm a... I wanted to give you... We should have theme music.

Yes! We should each have a song that drops when we get intro. Oh, I'm going to pick a bad one. You're going to hate that you gave me that idea. Some indie band with a harmonica. Come on. What? I don't know. Indie band with a harmonica?

Are you going to walk out to Iron and Wine? That's a great... Don't you... They're good. They're really great for intro music. Yeah, really great for intro music. Boy with a coin he found in the... I can make it so sad in like two seconds. Bring the whole show down.

You could just come out to your own hit song, which would be a little narcissistic, but also fun. That's a power move that I would not take, but I like your thinking. How are you? I'm great. This is my first time in Nashville, so I'm thrilled.

Hey, Zing. Hey, no. Are you liking it so far? We had fun last night. Yeah, we had a blast last night. We tore it up at Tootsie's. You guys know Tootsie's? Tootsie's.

I went to a boot shop today. There's many of those. We pretended we were a bachelorette party. Yeah. And we kept saying, he's the bride. He's the bride. Guys, stop. No, I'm so happy to be on this tour, especially because I've never been to Nashville.

So I was like, fuck yes, as an excuse to come to Nashville. But the tour, too, is great. Yeah, hey, play your cards right. We'll have you back. Guys, cheer really loud for me tonight. back. Guys, cheer really loud for me tonight. Woo!

Woo! Next up is a professional stand-up comedian now slumming it in the world of actual plays. He is everything that I ever wanted to be, and now sadly everything that I am. That's true.

Give it up for Jared Logan, everybody. Yes, God damn it! Yes, God fucking damn it! Jared, what would be your walk-up theme music? Well, all I know is that I used to have to tell comedy clubs not to play any kind of hip-hop or rap when they brought me up.

Because people thought that that was part of the joke. So if any kind of hip-hop played and then I appeared, people would be like, I get it. So I guess something that's like... That would be a good intro for me. Looney Tunes background music. Wow, wow, wow. I mentioned earlier, you grew up in Tennessee. Where in Tennessee?

I lived in Knoxville. And in Knoxville? And then I went to college. I went to college for five years in Memphis. Five years. Did you have to pay for the extra year? I did. You know, it's cheaper to just go four.

Well, I know that. But I was finding myself. I like it here. I've been to Knoxville. Knoxville's cool, too. Went to a little cafe called Tupelo Honey. I want to come back here next year. I want to come back here every year of my life.

Couldn't agree more. Let me tell you something. There is no eldritch horror that you can throw at us tonight that will be scarier than the creatures I saw at Tootsie's. horror that you can throw at us tonight that will be scarier than the creatures I saw at Tootsie's. I definitely saw like five Shoggoths at Tootsie's last week.

Nashville's proof that you don't need a high school education to have a good time. That's what I always say. That's a new t-shirt. Folks, while this group is constantly changing and evolving, despite my best efforts, this next man is still part of the tour. Give it up for Matthew Gabinikaza! Matthew, Matthew, Matthew, all jokes aside,

why couldn't you have been the one that resigned? Matthew, Matthew, Matthew. Wow. Matthew, Matthew, Matthew. I! Matthew! Matthew! I love you! The thing about your jokes, Troy, is there's always like 20 to 30% truth in all of them. I would kiss you on the lips if you weren't so afraid of my lips.

Very afraid of your lips. I've never seen lips move that way before. Cleanest lips in Nashville. It's not the cleanliness that scares me. Dude, you were having a good time last night. We just kept throwing margaritas at you, and you kept tossing them back. I had two margaritas. As did everybody else.

Joe and I kept going to the bar and getting margs for Sidney and you and me and Joe. And then Joe and I were doing backup Bud Lights because we have a problem. And there was this moment. I was like, should we get them backup Bud Lights? And Joe gave me this look as if to say, Matthew can't handle it. We call it the one and one. I think I handled it fine. You did good. And you went running today by the river

yes and you got a sunburn you're so fair skinned it turns out Nashville doesn't have any trees or clouds we did go it was me and Joe and Sydney

we were all in different positions running back and forth. And then I went across the bridge like four times. And by the fourth time, I was like, I'm going to be viciously sunburned by the end of this. We left the hotel. And both Matthew and Joe were like, I didn't put on sunscreen. And immediately, I was like, this isn't going to go well for them. Pasty guys.

And you both got sunburned. I'm fine. Joe wisely brought a hat. Oh, that's true. That's true. Yep. Well, you look good. A little color looks good on you.

You don't look like a ghost. I look like a lobster. No longer haunting us with your presence No, I'm glad you're here And I don't want you to resign And if you do, wait until we're finished With the 2023 budget Folks

He'll be here all night Unfortunately Finally folks he'll be here all night he'll be here all night unfortunately finally folks he is like like Nashville hot chicken

if instead of hot sauce he was covered in low self esteem and cum I don't know Joe O'Brien Jesus

Jeepers what is up Nashville Nashville Joe Nashville! Nashville Joe! Nashville Joe! Nashville Joe! Nashville Joe! Nashville Joe!

Oh, I love it. Man, I love Nashville. I think you have low self-esteem and you shouldn't because everyone loves you. Oh, that's very nice. Everyone! Not me, but everyone else. He could have been talking to anybody. Wait, was he talking to you?

I don't know. That's the Tillis family. They're getting rowdy over there. That's the Tillis family over there. Stop giving peanut butter whiskey shots to the Tillises. You guys have screwball here? Fuck. I never heard about this until yesterday, and now I want it

all the time. Dude. We gotta... Dude. We should move here. Yes. We were... We came out of the honky-tonk today to go to have lunch at Merchant's. A couple people recommended Merchant's. And I said to Joe, I'm like, man, when my wife turns 40 in 13 years, I want to...

No, she's 10 years younger than me. When she turns 40, I'm like, I want to bring her out here. And he was like, yes, and I'm coming. Immediately invited himself. And then I was like, I can plan it nine months in advance so we can make two weeks out of it. Do people come here? plan it nine months in advance so we can make two weeks out of it. Vegas, three days is enough. Maybe two days is enough. We'll find out in a month

when we go to Vegas together. But I feel like Nashville, you could do longer, like a week. A solid week. I think so. Well, because it's so music focused. I can't listen to music every day. You can't gamble every day of the week. I mean, you can.

Tell that to DraftKings. That was inappropriately stated. You can. It's just a horrible idea. It's good for you to take in music. A lot of different music. It's wonderful. Yeah, I agree.

I love the culture. I love the vibe. But it does, it gets the best parts of Vegas. Because when we were on those barstools at 11 o'clock and the place is packed. Packed. And every single person is smiling. Yeah. You feel like you're in Vegas, kind of.

It's great. It's the best of both worlds. It's the only time we visited a city where I was like, I don't even want to do the show. I just want to keep drinking and hanging out. I just want to hang out in this city. We'll do it here. Bottoms up! We'll make this the honky-tonk.

Feel free to get up during the show and drink and heavily tip the bartenders. Just be quiet when you do it. You guys have anything to say over there? And we're going to play music halfway through, right? Oh yeah, there's a whole music portion Sydney's doing a set And Troy is going to sing

And Matthew's on the tambourine I also know how to play one lick on a harmonica Does anyone have a harmonica? Hit the key of G. You won't kiss me on the lips, but you'll take a random harmonica from the crowd. What kind of a friend are you?

Listen, me and the mouth harp go a long way back. I heard that about you. Sexy bike guy three. We've got a lot of show to do, and as much as I like this goofing off This is a business So Sydney, take it to the recap

Take it to the recap You don't know how to do nothing Oh, yeah. Woo! Woo! You know who made that recap graphic? Grant Berger. Three cheers for Grant Berger. For Grant Berger!

Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Also, I want to take an opportunity to say that this is the first time that we have ever had an organized professional live stream of this show. Yes! Thank you to everyone out there watching right now. Everybody that's everywhere else in the world, thank you so much for being with us tonight. This is freaking great, including Skid.

Oh, Skid! Hi, Skid! He said he's, including Skid. Oh, Skid! Skid, we miss you! Everyone say, hi, Skid! Hi, Skid! Can we all say, just for Skid, can we all say, let's go Mets for Skid? Let's go Mets!

Felt like there was some ambivalence. I noticed that as well, Jared. Yeah. Yes, they're fans of the local baseball team. Yeah. The National Guitar Picks. What do you guys have out here? Some double A squad. I don't care.

Don't tell me. Let's talk about this recap. Crazy rednecks. Our heroes are on a boat, motherfucker. Don't you ever forget. Skid just texted me to say thanks. Yeah! They were on a boat

and they're sailing down the river Selen to try and intercept a man who is responsible for putting some of them in an asylum and doing something to them that robbed them of their memories. This man is, of course, did you get that on mandolin, everybody? Count Hazerton Lowell's the IV. That's fourth if you don't speak Roman.

They know that he is heading to the nation of Taldor, to the city of Casimir in search of a mythos tome known as the Necronomicon. The Count believes that the Necronomicon is perhaps the key to discovering the location of a hidden city called Neruzavan, which allegedly holds three ancient monuments placed in this world

millions of years ago by creatures known as flying polyps. I turned 44 on Sunday. And that means I'm one year away from my flying polypic exam. Mr. LaValle, I'm sorry to tell you, you are full of flying pot. And why is your ancient monument growing? Sir! The Count descends.

Why does the Count want to find this hidden city? You do not know, but finding him is of the utmost importance. The Count discovered where the Necronomicon lies by using a ritual to enter the Dimension of Dreams. He also found several very specific gifts and then approached a figure known as the Mad Poet who shared the location with the Count of this infamous tome. So while you travel down the river in search of the Count, you have been reading through his journals,

reading through his books, enacting the dream ritual yourselves, and going on quests in the dreamlands to find these same gifts that the Count found so that you too may gain an audience with the mad poet. You now have two of those seven

gifts. Meanwhile, when not taking dream trips, you have been tasked with protecting the boat and its passengers for the river journey itself is not without its own dangers. It's been a fairly easy job for the first month. But on day 39, you stopped in the Rasmiran city of Zer to resupply. And your captain, Skywind Freeling, this fiery little halfling, paid the heavy docking fees, paid the heavy ties to this nation of heretic zealots.

Yet shortly after disembarking from Zur, you were accosted by a Rasmiran faith barge seeking more payment and truth. They didn't want payment at all. They wanted to destroy the least of you and enslave the best of you. A brutal battle was fought last Thursday night live on Twitch. That was fun. And you came out on top

thanks in part to your new companion, a priestess of Sarenrae named Ave Maria. Who is seeking passage to Taldor from Xur. You destroy these cultists, these crazy heretics and Skywynn tells

her crew to sink the boat lest the Razmiri people track you down to enact vengeance. But first you search the boat and you find the hold is full of men and women forced to row against their will. And several chests. What do you do?

What do you do? We free all of them. Yes. Release their binds. Stand if you can. Can they stand? Are they so weak they can't even? You open the trap door leading into the hold of the ship,

and you see them all just, like, squinting against the light like they haven't seen light in a long time. And you can see now from the sunlight coming in that they're all covered in welts and bruises. And one, in fact, looks like it's been beaten to death. This person is just lying at the far end of the hold, still manacled to the floor, and they are clearly dead.

And when you say whatever the hell you just said... You weren't listening? No. One of the men is just like squinting against the light, holding his bruised hands up in front of his face, and he's like, Please don't hurt us. Captain Agrop will be back to beat us.

Please just let us be. The captain is dead. Is he really? Yes. We stabbed him several times. And then we just throw his head on the floor in front of all of us. Oh!

That's Captain Agra. All right. I'd recognize his severed head anywhere. I normally wouldn't offer this, but would you like to kick it? No. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. I'm manacled to the floor. That was a test, and you passed.

You are good after all. Ave walks up to this elderly man, decrepit old man, and she places a hand on his hand. It's so warm. And she says,

you're all right now. I'll release all the monocles. Are you okay? What's your name? Oh, no. And she looks around. And what's the name of everyone down here? Yes.

down here. Yes. Just so you know, straight out of the book, there are 14 people in this hold. Plus a 15th dead body. Nick, Nick, Nicky, Nicholas, Nick.

Nicola. No, it's been so long, none of us can remember our names it's worse than I thought then you must choose a name release their binds help them Captain Agripp gave us nicknames and we just went by those

and what are those oh fuck they call me the edge lord They call me the Edgelord. Remember when I said that thing about your jokes being like 20 to 30% true? Avi says, shh. You're clearly too weak to talk, Edgelord. Please.

The Edgelord. Sorry, the Edgelord. Please. The Edgelord. Sorry, the Edgelord. Yes. Can we release your binds? Was there a key? Maybe we have a key? The key is kept on Captain Agrib's body. I'll check his hair.

It's not in his hair. Sir Jolie. Research the captain's body Please What did you find up there Shucks The edgelord You find

A hand crossbow You find that he's wearing Studded leather armor And you find a magical pendant A magical scimitar their armor and you find a magical pendant, a magical scimitar. All of the raspberry brutes that were

supporting him have navel pikes and daggers. So there's eight navel pikes, eight daggers. He also has some keys on him, a ring of keys. Ave takes the scimitar. The scimitar, as we discussed actually in the last episode is the favored weapon of sarin ray and ave is insulted that this false prophet who who prays

to false gods would even carry this weapon uh and she picks it up kind of like holds it very delicately and then sheaths it into her side and spits on him, on his headless body. And she looks at the others and says, is it all right if I have them? You're not here. She looks at the others and says... I'm waiting for my moment. Who are you? I'm just...

Meanwhile, on the Sellen Starling, Xantar, King of the Zooks, has had a rough go of it. Starling, Xantar, King of the Zooks, has had a rough go of it. He traveled into the Dreamlands with the party to go to the Enchanted Forest to try and help them track down a tale

of a creature known as a Pard. But when, back in the Material Plane, the man known as Ferbal Hoss, or Tiny Murder Clown, was taken out of the river and brought on board. He went downstairs into the hold, walked down the ritual staircase, and there was this just like, ah, where he replaced you, and you look up and you see this other boat with bodies like limply hanging off the edge and your crew is there searching.

Ah, hmm. My exhaustion feels so arbitrary. It's as if Xantar is in some sort of game. A game played by the gods! I'm going to wander down into the hold of this other ship and be in...

Hey, guys, what... Oh, my God! Please don't hurt us. Kneel before Xantar, the first king of the... Your new king. Remanacle them. Please, no. And we begin remanacling all the prisoners. No, no. Stop,

my friend. It is the will of Xantar. No, it is. It's actually not my will. Release these poor people. All beings should be free. And then I stretch in a way that is uncomfortable to look at.

We free all the people. Yes. Thank you. Can we offer you some food perhaps? Yes. Water. What do you have? I was going to raid the ship's stores. What do they have here? Oh, nothing. the ship's stores. What do they have here?

Oh, nothing. They ate it all. They were just about to refill. Maybe you have some food on your boat. Of course we do. Of course. Sir Julie, of course. Can we still raid this boat, then?

Of course. Yes, you can raid the boat. Skywyn comes down. She looks in the hole, and she sees there's fourteen people down here, and your boat is very small. And she says, well, we can't we can't very well

leave these prisoners here on the tribute taker, but this boat needs to be destroyed, and quickly. Even if we sail them to the mainland to liberate them, the Razmiri would then discover them and execute them as deserters fuck what do we do

I have an idea yes Sir Julie what if they come with us to the dreamlands all of them and they join our party and we develop deep relations with them and get to know their names, their real

names. There are enough weapons for each of them to help us in each combat. We start passing out naval pikes. Pikes. And daggers. Arm yourselves. We're going to fight a war in the dreamlands. While you've been traveling in the dreamlands,

I have been reading your books, and it seems like only four of you at a time can go down there. This is true. I was shunted back into the waking world. See, he is proof positive that it's a foolish idea. And it makes you very tired. It really does, yes. Captain, can they fit on your ship?

Well, I don't know if we have much other choice because both banks of the Selin here are pretty dangerous. We've got obviously the Razmiran nation to the north and then to the south are these isolationist elves of the nation of Keonin. They hold the south. Oh yeah. Nice. Thinkers, Dinky, take them aboard.

We'll do as you say, Ave Maria. And we'll give them safe haven for now. The rest of you just clear the hold and plunder as you see fit, and then we need to sink this ship and move on. How far must we go with all of them before we could drop them on the mainland?

I don't know. We've got a while yet before I feel like it would be safe. If we're going to save them, I'm not just going to drop them for them to be killed. All right. Why do I talk in her accent? We'll move them to be killed. All right. Why do I talk in her accent? We'll move them to the birthday. Are you making fun of me with using my accent?

Are you making fun of her, eh? Oh, sorry. You did it too! What? I talk like this. All halflings talk like this, apparently. According to this game.

I'll take the rowers, the rest of you. fend for yourselves. Swim to shore. Atticus is going to move to the chests and examine to start. Okay. Perception. Okay.

To just see if it seems trapped. He's got a ring of keys in his hand. Okay. But he's double checking if there's anything, any defenses. What are you in perception? Trained, expert, master? Oh, trained.

Only trained? Only trained. Can't make the check? Sucks to be you. I shall look too, says Sir Julie. Well, I look, and I rolled a 30. And do I see anything? You look at the chests, and they appear to be just fine.

You've got the keys. Then he starts to try keys. Is it locked? He tries to just open it. Yep. It's locked. You stick the key in, and it opens. And this white light hits his face.

And it's just, oh! The amount of magical items inside is staggering. Yeah. Staggering. Four spell books, he says aloud. It has Marcellus Wallace's soul. The soul of Captain Agrabah. The soul of Captain Agrabah.

We happy, Zanta? It's loaded with coins and you assume that these are like donations that they bullied from other ships in the area. So you see a ton of

money. You also see a bejeweled oil lamp, a set of ivory dice, which is kind of fun, as nerds. A greater smoke stick, and a bulky

doctor's bag with expanded healer's tools. There's also two moderate antidotes, and, uh, like a little jar that, not even a. And like a little jar. Not even a jar, like a fucking vial that's marked and it says,

In extremis. In what? Extremis. Can you spell it? No. I want you to fumble with the spelling. What was the first couple things? Money.

Money? Bejeweled oil lamp. Bejeweled oil lamps. A set of ivory dice. Okay. A greater smoke stick. And a bulky doctor's bag with expanded healer's tools. Two modern antidotes.

How many coins? I think this is incorrect. Because it says, I think this is like the 1E. It didn't get translated over. 705 gold pieces and 1450 silver pieces. So I'll let you know the actual numbers because that seems way too much for 2E. 1450 silver? Don't worry about it. I'll tell you later.

I'll tell you later. They were pirates plundering up and down the river. This is true. I kick over you later. They were pirates. Plundering up and down the river. This is true. I kick over the chest. Well, also, I think... Xantar has no need of your wealth. What is wealth to one who can pick fruit from the trees? Or kill an animal with his bare hands and eat its cartilage?

This wealth makes you weak, and I spit in Atticus's face. And then I say, I'm sorry, that was an accident. I coughed. Oh, it is quite fine, my liege. I'm happy to take the coin. Yes, you take all the coins. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. I think instead of re-translating it,

I think that if it's wrong, I think that what we should do is figure out what we take, and we can do it off-air, but I think that a significant portion of it should go to the other ship, to the captain. Yeah. Skywin Freeland. Yeah. Because she fought in

that fight, and I mean, by her goodwill for the rest of the journey, basically. That's the respectable thing to do. Or perhaps to the 14 people who were enslaved on the boat. We could give the slaves some money, right? Well, that's her call. It's not your call. You're not in charge.

I think... Captain, could I have a word? The edgelord walks up. Yes. No. What? Oh, sorry. I used to be captain of a small fishing boat.

What was the name of the boat? The boat was called Party Time. Get out of here. Captain Skywind, can I have a word? Yes. She pushes Edgelord to the floor. Be Edgelord. Sit down.

These slaves deserve life. They deserve new lives. If we're going to save them and rescue them, we have to give them proper living. I think you should divide some of the coin for them. That is very noble of you. I'm you should divide some of the coin for them. That is very noble of you. I'm a priestess. Well, you're a noble priestess then.

Because I would have taken the money for myself. Bought a boat. A new boat. It's enough money for a new boat. Even if you split it. You don't know how much boats cost. Fair enough. Your lack of nautical pricing

is astounding to me. But that aside... Your lack of human compassion is astounding. All right, we'll give them each a few silver pieces to start a new life. Double that.

How many silver pieces do you want to give them? Enough to start their lives again. Their lives have been taken from them. Ten silver pieces. Give them each a sharp rock and a loincloth. Yes. It is all they need. Let them survive as predator and prey.

This coin will only weaken them. Yes. You're not wrong. And we'll stop at a store. Here's my final offer. We'll stop at a store and we'll buy 14 greeting cards. And we'll all sign it. And give it to each of them.

With their ten silver pieces. Will we sign in secret so that they don't know the cards are coming? There's no reason to decide that now, Sir Julie. The Edgelord, take your friends to the Sellen Starling. We must sink

the Tribute Taker and move on to the next part of the adventure. Did we open all the chests? You did. Okay. Did we search the boat thoroughly? You did. You searched it thoroughly.

And can you tell me what that scimitar was again? Just regular scimitar or magic? It's a magical scimitar. Okay. Joe, explain to Sidney how determining magical properties works. I detect magic on it. Nope. It's called identify magic.

You would use the school that is relevant, which in this case is obviously arcane. You sure it's not old school? Arcana. I should say arcana. And Atticus will identify it Okay

Let me hold it and look at it closely 24 Oh baby It is a plus one Striking Holy wounding Simitar Yeah baby

And I will roll that check over for the pendant because these checks are boring for podcasts. It is a greater pendant of the occult. Oh, I want it, please. Does that get your rat dick hard? Jesus Christ. The Tillises love that. Tillis, can I just research it online?

Sure. But I can just fucking tell you. Okay. If you just had a regular run-of-the-mill pendant of the occult, it is a hollow amulet shaped in the form of an unblinking eye. Dude, this is right up your alley. Dude, I love an unblinking eye. Its cavity typically holds some fragment of occult text. While wearing the pendant, you get a plus one item bonus to occultism checks, which will be important in the ritual. And you can cast the guidance cantrip as an occult innate spell.

But with a greater pendant of the occult, you get a plus two item bonus. The pendant grants a plus two item bonus and can be activated. In order to activate it, it's ten minutes to cast a spell once per day. You can cast a fourth level dream message spell. Whoa. That is so cool. Greater John of the Occult.

Skid has informed me he wants the pendant. Oh, come on. Shut your phone off. You're doing a show. He texted all of us. Yeah. All right.

You want to do a roll-off, dude? You want to do a roll-off? All right, Skid. We will honor your dice roll. Wait, Skid, just send us a video of your dice roll. I'll watch it here Alright dummy This is pointless

God damn it You better have paid for that ticket on mandolin Oh I have Skid's roll here I have his roll Natty 17 Skid rolled a 15 Oh baby Natty 17. Skid rolled a 15. Oh, baby!

This is fun, what we do. This is really fun. This is fun. This is fun. Isn't technology great? We should do this more often. Oh, Skid sent me his roll. Oh, he rolled a natural 15. Yeah, Natty 15.

What else did he do? Matthew, are you familiar with a roll-off? What's your bonus, Joe? So you bring all of these people on, the edgelord, Finger Lakes, Mrs. Fantastic, Basement Betty. I'd like to talk to Finger Lakes. You want to talk to Finger Lakes?

Pancake. Chocolate chip. Wedgie one and wedgie two. Someone who simply goes by The Truth. Simple syrup. Dimples. Dead tooth. Wet Knees I think that's 13

Scallywag And OJ Simpson What are the last names? The juice is loose The juice is loose They only go by their nicknames It's been so long since they've been chattel Aboard the tribute taker

They no longer remember their birth names The edgelord says Thank you for saving us OJ Simpson and I Was talking just last night That if only The gods would answer our prayers He's anxious To get home to his wife.

Oh, jeez. You've been gone a long time. She may be dating another man. Matthew, your thoughts? I still love it. You're still making OJ jokes. You're an old man. He said he's turning 44 on Sunday. OJ, she's going to lose her head when she sees you walk through the door.

All right. You get back to the ship. Can we all get an extra hero point for having to endure this? Yes. Hero points. Take your free garbage. Before we go, Atticus is going to take this pendant He's looking at the unblinking eye

And he's drawn into its power Seems to have this like When he looks at it There's this like swirling Black cloud kind of around it That's drawing him in And he's He knows its power

And he knows that this is something that he desires greatly. But in order to use it, he'd have to give something up. And he's not so sure that it is right. He looks across at Aldo and he says, Aldo. Aldo.

Crikey! I forgot I was here! Skid would like you to know that he will peel the pendant off your corpse. I bet you he loved those OJ jokes. Oh, he's laughing. He's going... Crikey! What? Aldo,

what do you know of the occult? Oh, I think I've got a pretty good score in occult. Back when I was a boy, I would read books. Back...

And my mother and father would say, don't read those books, but I'd keep reading them. Alder, do you know how you keep your origins so secret? Yep. You won't tell us of the lands you came from. You'll never divulge its true meaning to you or to us. Where are you going with this, rat?

Occultism is the very soul of secrets. It is those things which should not be discovered by any. Because should any truly learn it, it could lead to the destruction of all but I think

you are well suited to this particular art you should have the pendant and he gives it to him but Atticus has this like strange look in his eyes and it might be that weird shit that... Thank you, Kiss. I shall

tell Skid to put it on his character sheet. So... Joe gave you the pen. He's texting him. He's watching. It said, Joee gave you depends joe gave you he's gonna need him that comes in handy he's gonna need him just know that skid was also really complimenting your accent troy was he really yeah i nailed it, he just wrote awful.

Yeah, Atticus already has a pendant around his neck, one that carries great magical powers for him, and so he's going to hold on to that, I realized after the fact. But it is interesting. Both Atticus and Aldo are both very well trained in arcana and occultism. You know what I mean? They're trying to use both parts, which I think is awesome for this adventure, for Strange Ants, because it is so based on occult sort of beliefs and stuff like that.

So I'm glad Aldo's taking it. Well, you give Aldo the pendant, and all of you get on to the Selen Starling. You see Fingers O'Toole and Dinky Fuss Tumble and Fanny Cremager. And Spinny Pile and the rest of them, like, just punching holes into the boat. I don't know. They sink the boat. I set't know. They sink the boat.

I set it on fire. Burning hands. No. Skyward says, no, draw too much attention. We'll just punch holes in it and let it sink to the bottom. So everyone's literally just... Oh, no, we take the pikes. We just stab it, you know, in the hole.

So you guys all just go to town on the hull, and you watch from aboard the Ceylon Starling as it sinks. But now this tiny little boat is full of people. There are six crew members. There's that older couple, Rebben and Gossa, that are traveling from Ustalav down to Taldor. There's the captain. There's the Taldor. There's the captain. There's the four of you. There's Aldo.

Halster's in the brig. There's a lot of people on this ship, and it's a tiny ship. Imagine being on a cruise ship. I imagine that's awful. This is what this is like. What is... Can I ask? What's the bathroom situation?

There's one stall. That's not good. I'm not used to having so many people on my boat. If you have to go, just, if it's pee, do it over the side of the boat. If it's poop, do it over the side of the boat. What if it's pee and poop at the same time? Heresy. Are you...

Are you okay? Not at the exact same time, but in the same go, you know what I mean. I'm very tired. There's too many people on this boat. Going into my quarters, just do whatever you gotta do. Bye.

She leaves. And so ends your sojourn in the Razmiran nation. Sweet. More days pass, and they are uneventful so far. You had an attack very early on by some creatures that climbed over the side, and then you had this situation with the Faith Barge, but luckily the trip down the Salen

hasn't been too fraught with danger, which is nice, because part of your deal was like, yeah, we'll protect the boat, and you haven't had to do a whole lot. But now with all these extra people on the boat, it's cramped, it's uncomfortable, and, you know, being around a lot of people, it can lead to a little angst amongst the crew, amongst your team.

But you've got work to do. So I imagine you go back to your dream research. You found the Viscount's signet ring. You found this blue and purple mottled feline tail. The next thing on the list is a skull of ghoul royalty. The fuck is that? I think it's the bone structure of the head of a ghoul who is a member of the royal family.

Did you read this adventure? Maybe. I'm strangling someone off the side of the boat. While they're trying to... Too many people! Stop strangling people!

I'm sorry, I feel fenced in. Too much civilization. Please. Have you ever read the good book Life of Pi? It's kind of similar. There's like a tiger on a boat, but he befriends a man. Stranded in the wilds of the dreamlands

I never learned to read. Oh. Will you teach me, priestess? Shit. You can teach him reading... The good book. The good book, The Birth of Light and Truth.

Yeah, all right. Do you want to read the good book, The Birth of Life and Truth? It's a Sarenrae. Do you like Sarenrae? It's a Sarenrae exclusive. I know no Sarenrae. The gods we worshipped in the jungle were dung heaps or trees with an interesting shape. This is going to be very, very interesting. Would you like to teach him from my copy? As is customary, I have inscribed the last pages with details of my uplifting adventures. Oh.

And sexual conquests. I would hear of these conquests. She flips to the back. You would, but you must read, Xantar. We should start from the beginning. It's very exciting in the back. Yeah, we'll start from the back. You would, but you must read, Xantar. We should start from the beginning. It's very exciting in the back. Yeah, we'll start from the beginning. Teach me.

I think the next hour should be role-playing teaching Xantar how to read. The cat ran fast. Very good, Xantar. That's so good. That's a sentence I made up. Now let's look at the book. While Ave Maria is teaching Xantar, king of the zoogs, to read, you see the truth

consoling OJ Simpson after being choked it's alright OJ says the truth while wedgie one and wedgie two keep to themselves at the stern and

you and Aldo dig into this next dream quest and over the first 24 hours 48 hours or so you realize that Laos was researching from three specific books

to find out information about where he could find a skull of ghoul royalty. The Codex of Three Prescriptions, the Manual of Silence, and the Unified Manual of Understanding.

And so you dig into those books and you hope that during this research nothing will interrupt you. Because it takes time. Five, six days sometimes. But you start digging in and time passes. And at least for the early part of the research,

you are unbothered as Xantar continues to learn to read. Montage. Montage. Reading montage. Sauron Rey brings her light. I'm doing very well. Saren Ray brings her light to all the peoples of Golarion. That was really, really good. Are you actually reading or are you just looking at the pictures?

I am... What does this page say that doesn't have any pictures? I don't know. I was guessing based on pictures. It's been five hours. You haven't learned to read at all? Sir Julie? Yes?

Trade. I offered once. No, I didn't. That was a different character. A different character of mine offered once to teach a rat to read. That was a long time ago. I shall not honor that character's memory. We must to the Dreamlands. Atticus, what have you found?

This will be very good for you, Xantar. Huh? The Dreamlands will give you the space you need to feel less hemmed in here's what I have found Aldo tell them I'd rather let my new friend Pancake tell you

So Pancake A former scholar Turned angler Says here's what I've learned What was that word? Angler Fisherman? Fisherman

I thought the edgelord was the fisherman I thought the edgelord They're all fishermen But Pancake was... Were they all on party time? No, no, no. Don't be foolish. The edgelord had a very small fishing boat called Party Time. I'm never

going to remember this. I already wrote it down. Don't worry. I need assistants like George R.R. Martin has assistants for all these dumb names. But Pancake in this fiction was a learned doctor that gave up her life of study to just become a simple angler. But she helps in with this because it's fun. And she says, all right, Alto.

Here's what I've learned. According to a folio regarding extra planar undead, Pancake says, regarding extraplanar undead, Pancake says. The ghouls of the dreamlands are far more social, though no less wicked than their bestial kin in the waking world. They have rich histories and large communities led by royalty. Here, look, says Pancake to Aldo. A discourse on the dread plateau

of Leng explains that a more powerful form of ghoul inhabits regions where the dreamlands connect to Leng. Oh, shit. These Leng ghouls are shrewder

than their lesser kin. You have fought a denizen of Leng in Iris Hill. So even mention of Leng sends shivers down your spines. After six days of study, you learn the phrase to enact the Dreamland excursion ritual to try and find this skull of ghoul royalty. So, Night Falls.

During any of these days, do we pass anywhere where we can shop no you're supposed to do that call you were supposed to do that Thursday between that session and this session talk to me in Atlanta night falls on five days

no settlements no she said it's very unsafe here resmear into the north isolationist elves of Keonan to the south what do you think you're just going to stop in Keonan by sword you fool that was top of Atticus's list it was a sword.

He's got a fucking broadsword. Night falls on day six. Pancake has left you. Let us dream together. And you hold this staircase. Aldo has been the primary caster of this staircase. Aldo has been the primary caster of this ritual. But now Aldo has

terrible diarrhea. We hear him like through a closed door. He's like, over the side of the boat. Oh! No! He couldn't make it to the stern either,

so it's just trailing on the side of the boat. Yeah. There's sharks now! He's chumming the waters! You can't do that! It's not chumming. The poop sharks! He'll be upon us! The poop sharks!

Mrs. Fantastic and Chocolate Chip are consoling Aldo as he shits over the side of the book it's a real scene but he cannot take part in this ritual a ritual that you now know can only include four people but luckily Xantar, king of the zoots

is feeling great and you have this new religious figure that can perhaps provide you with the light of her God. I never said I was going. Ave, do you understand? Do you understand where we are going? Fuck you eating over there. I can't believe you're fucking eating.

Can't you, Joe? Yes, I can. She has a reputation to pretend. I've set a precedent that I will eat into the microphone for every episode I... I'm hungry. A little snacks. Do you guys not bring snacks on stage? No.

The idea of playing a role-playing tabletop game and not snacking is like... I can't even fathom it like I can't even fathom it. I can't even fathom. Skid texted, I knew the diapers would come in handy. Thank you. Bottlecap. Bottlecap. It expires at the end of the session.

Alright. It expires at the end of the session. All right. It expires at the end of Atlanta. Ave Maria. How does it work? Do we just... Do you understand what we are doing? Huh? What?

She says confidently. I need you to put down that food. The rations are getting low. I just wanted to... All right. This is extremely serious. Okay, now Sir Julie gets to eat. Is that a

cheeseburger? I need the iron. That pancake is one hell of a cook, I'll tell ya. It's good we brought them aboard. Ave Maria. We are about to enter a ritual which will take all of your focus, all of your divine energies as we attempt

to open a doorway into another plane, a plane of extreme danger, but a plane which your goddess would be very happy to which you are going. As we cross through to this place which will be overrun by ghouls with a new level of power, overrun by ghouls with a new level of power, with a new level of understanding of organization and culture which makes them much more deadly. Make no mistake,

in my life I found nothing more devious, nothing more deadly than an aristocrat. Wait, I'm confused. Are the ghouls aristocrats? Oh, yes. He's talking about this book he's been reading about. Are the ghouls aristocrats? Oh, yes. He's talking about this book he's been reading

about this realm of ghouls that has, like, nobility and, like, royal lines and are ruled by ghouls that, you know, it's very frightening to him. We will need all of your focus and energy to help us. Absolutely. 100%. Eat the rich. All right. And so, yeah, we need to then do...

Good night. ...secondary checks. She goes to bed. Yes, so I'm assuming you will be the primary caster and you'll be using Arcana. Yes. Can I aid? I don't know how this works because I've never... I'm going to teach you.

Just keep eating your Sour Patch Kids and I'll learn you on the ritual. I have to look at that real quick. You're going to do a religion check. Okay. Okay. And Xantar has been using survival. Survival. Sir Julie, you've been using

religion as well. That's true. What's your arcana or occultism? They're the same. What are they? Plus zero. What is your arcana or occultism? They're the same.

Eleven. All right, so you're going to use that, and you're going to use religion. All right. Okay? Historically, my roles for this ritual have been extremely poor. So you're going to use that and you're going to use religion. All right. Okay? Historically, my roles for this ritual have been extremely poor. Keep in mind, you have a hero point. Keep in mind, these roles are important.

And keep in mind that Joe is now the one making the final role. I think Nashville Joe has got this shit on lockdown. That's what I think Nashville Joe has got this shit on lockdown. That's what I think. I'm not worried at all. It's less charming when you refer to yourself in the third person as Nashville Joe. This dude over there said it right. He just said simply, no, it's not. I respectfully disagree.

It's more fun when they do it. Matthew, shut up and roll. Xantar, King of the Zoogs, please give me your survival. I remember the many nights and days I spent trapped in the dreamlands, the smell of the grass, the taste of the leaves, the blood, the feeling of the leaves, the blood, the feeling

of the blood dripping over my teeth. And I roll a 17 plus 10. 27! 27! That is a success.

Which means no bonus or penalty. That's great. Ave Maria, you are new to this ritual. Give me an arcana. You want to do arcana or occultism? It's really just flavor since you have both. I think maybe she'll do occultism. After all the talk with the pendant and stuff, she's leaning into it.

Yeah, it's getting weird. Okay. All right, here we go. Come on, Sid. Come on. No. Just hero point. Hero point.

Don't even say it. Use the hero point. Hero point. I just want to say, I forgot my fucking dice back in New York. All of them. I packed them all in little baggies. I had Norse foundry dice.

I was so excited. Forgot them all. Thank you, Matthew, for giving me some of his dice, but I fully blame any bad roll on his dice. Here we go. Hero point gone. Here we go. Oh, wow.

It's not two ones in a row. It's just a simple Eight No wait no Eleven Eighteen Is that your final answer? That's an eighteen That's a failure

Fuck But it's now going to be a minus four To Joe's already garbage check Really? What is a critical fail? Sorry Critical fail It was a critical fail?

No that's not a critical fail But what did you roll again? Eighteen No you're fine That's minus four a critical fail? Critical fail. It was a critical fail? No, that's not a critical fail. But what did you roll again? 18. No, you're fine. That's minus four. A critical fail. Don't worry about it. It's bad.

Matthew, give me your religion check. I rolled it when I was commanded to roll, but now I don't role play it. I take my book of light and truth, and I skip ahead to some of the pages that I added. It gets spicy from the details of my uplifting adventures. And I regale them all. And then I thank Sarenrae because I rolled a 29. Woo!

and then I thank Sarah and Ray because I rolled a 29 I feel like this has been the situation for all three of these it's a minus four to the roll you've got

a success a failure whereas your minus four comes in and another success no critical success which would give you a bonus to the check

but no critical failure so you get a minus four and dude you need to crush. Well, I have a gift here. Okay. There's a gift that I don't even know if it's a die. Is that a diaper? I'm going to assume it is.

Is that a marshmallow with a tan back? It says, To Joe from Rachel. Where's Rachel? Rachel? Hi, Rachel. It is? Excellent. Is it a cheating die?

Is it a die that has just all 20s? Or all ones? It's my favorite one. It's your favorite one. Oh, it's a very pretty green die. Look at that. And it's real. Oh, it's gorgeous.

I love it. Okay. This will be the die. You want to roll it right here? Atticus, yes. Atticus is not on the occultism this time. It is the arcana. As everyone is putting in their contributions to the ritual,

he is doing this series of motions, these things he has learned in the books he's read. He's Doctor Stranging the shit out of this pulling shit around and twisting shit and it starts sparks start to come out of the staircase, he like looks

over as he's intensely doing this ritual at Ave Maria and she's just fucking up and he's just like fucking new guy I can't follow the moves, I don't know them and she's just fucking up. And he's just like, God, fucking new guy. I can't follow the moves. I don't know them. Yeah, and she's just not keeping up. She's not keeping up.

And then I gazed upon the shapely calves of Sir Jeremiah Albatross. The sparks start going, Sour Patch Kids falling all over the floor. And he will roll Rachel's favorite die. Here we go. Hero point. Hero point.

I'm going to hero point. But it's rough. It's rough. I'm going to hero point. It it's rough. It's rough. I'm going to hero point. It's bad. It's bad. It's hero point. Here we go.

Come on. Come on, Rachel's favorite die. Don't let me down. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Well, I'll spoil a little bit for them. You have a minus four to this roll,

and you rolled a four. It is worse than the roll I hero-pointed. That gives us a total of a... Rachel, it's not your fault. Damn it. Damn it, Atticus. That gives us a 17. Are you sure?

Yes. You're passing that staircase around. It's covered in mud. Powdered sugar. Whatever Sir Julie put on it. It comes to you and it just shrinks back down to its original size.

You lose the day. The next night comes along and you try to enact the ritual again. We'll do it quickly, Santar. Wait. Aldo still has diarrhea? Yes. He's lost at least 20 pounds overnight.

He looks so pale. Can I cast Guidance on Atticus? Would it help at all with the roll to get a plus one, or can I not? I don't know. Sure. I cast this time. I look at Atticus and I go, I'll do better tonight.

I was following the moves and I studied them. I'm sorry. It was my fault yesterday. I'll do better tonight. And she gives you guidance. On your little shoulders. Tonight we got this. Xantar, King of the Zooks, give me your...

That time it is... 22. 22. 22. Is a fail. Fail. Guidance gives you a bonus for how long? Let me just think about that.

Hour. Wait, no. Wait, an hour? Let's say an hour. No, we're not going to just say an hour an hour well if it's an hour you're alright till the start of your next turn oh yeah it's turn based then you can't do it

cause this ritual takes at least an hour what the fuck give me your religion or your fucking whatever I'm gonna do arcana oh wait no do you want arcana actually Atticus doesn't make a difference do you want arcana I don't care

here I go you say arcana i don't care here we go you say arcana weird 90 15 for a 20 is that a 26 yeah 26 all right that's a pass thank god oh thank thanks erin ray Oh, thanks, Aaron Ray. Crap-a-da-caza. What do you got? Oh, 20. That's a minus eight to this roll, too. Okay, wow.

What a thrilling show. Don't blame me for your friends' bad rolls. Stupid game. Minus eight? We're just going to do this all night long? Yeah. I'm kind of starting to enjoy this. Let's do it, and let's fail and do it again.

All right. And you lose another day. Wait, Joe, what did you roll? What did you roll? Shut up. I have not yet rolled. Wait, can I roll Arcana? Or is it like she used it up?

Whatever she used, you used the opposite. It's really just flavor. Mine is the same number. You can roll. Mine isn't. Then roll what you want. You use Occultism, I'll use Arcana. Get an app.

I'm rolling a different die because Rachel's favorite die sucks. Rachel! I'm kidding. Rachel. Sabotaging us. All right, Rachel. I will give your die a chance to redeem itself. You know what it was? It was rolling it on Troy's table. Yes. Yeah. It passed through

a wall of awful right here. You should be so lucky. Minus eight. Jeepers. Here we go. Come on, Nat. What? Tony, get it. Nope. Oh, well, I mean, that's really bad because that is really bad.

All right, wait. That is a 15. Wait. Can I use my- Which is probably a critical phone. Can I use my half-lean luck and have- You're in 30 feet. How does this work? You're in 30 feet. I'm a half-lean. I have half halfling luck and have... You're in 30 feet. How does this work?

You're in 30 feet. I'm a halfling. I have halfling luck. You can re-roll a skill check or saving throw. You're my ally. How often? How many times? What's the...

You can just do that forever? It's a feat. It's a reaction? An ally within 30 feet, if you fail, it can allow the ally to re-roll the triggering check. Not sure if that matters. The trigger is that you failed. I'm going to allow it. You sure? Okay.

I'm going to allow it. Okay! All right. Her mere presence exudes good luck. Yes. Wait, just to be clear, we're re-rolling your affluent luck on the negative eight roll. But she can use it tomorrow when we lose it.

Exactly. Here we go. Come on, Rachel. This die, so far, just single digits. Are there any double digits on this die? Are there any double? That's a double digit. We're getting there.

That is a 21. It's still a digit. We're getting there. That is a 21. That's still a fail. Good night. Good night, everybody. God damn it. These poor people paid to see grown men roll the same dice. Another day passes. Aldo is in horrible shape.

It's like Aldo might die from in horrible shape It's like Aldo might die from dehydration We gotta get him to a hospital No they're feeding him river water Well now I understand The source of his diarrhea Alright you should see The wake of the boat

It's a horrible scene Looks like the boat is shitting I think so this is rapid fire. Yeah. Knock it out. And I think what we're doing here is trying our goddamnedest to dodge a fumble. I mean, at this point, it's more entertaining to me if we keep doing this. But okay.

That is. We should have role played the day. What do you do in the morning? That's a 24, which is a failure. That's a fail. Let me use my hero point. Oh. Let me use my hero point.

No. Yes, I'm doing... What if you roll one? I rolled worse. I now have a 12. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'll see you guys in a minute. All right.

Wait, really? Wait, an adjusted 12? That was a 12 with my bonus, yeah. That's a critical failure. So, Skid has put in a request for a more dignified ailment. I saw that. The

dysentery has cleared up, and now he has, uh, rickets. Um, damn it. He just can't catch a break, that Aldo. Uh, so, no, my God. I mean, we're going to be here all night. It's a minus four to the check and whatever the success you land goes one step lower now here's why this is bad because if you just straight up fail again it goes to a critical failure which i've now warned you

would something interesting happen yes great great let's do that Sydney, give me an arcana roll. Our call calls in roll. That's going to be a 25. That's a pass. Thank God. Well, now we know. 30. Another pass. It's only minus four.

Joe, you can do this. Minus four and the degree of success goes down by one. I can use halfling luck again. You can do this. Okay, here we go. Come on, Nashville! Woo! Come on, Nashville!

Come on. Nashville, go! Nashville, go! Have a little halfling luck, Nashville. Here we go. Halfling luck. Halfling luck. Halfling luck. Oh, my goodness. No.

No. That's a, well, actually, it's a 26, so it's a fail. No, 26 is a pass. Right. So it becomes a fail. Becomes a fail. Oddly enough, the next night, it just fucking works. Wait.

We wore him down. We wore him down! We wore him down. I did it for you, Nashville. I won't do it for Atlanta. You pass the staircase around, and it just gets bigger, and then it drops into the floor. And you walk down that staircase knowing that you will sleep poorly tonight.

Because the game master had to cheat. Well, don't think of it as cheating. Just do something terrible to us in the dreamlands. Don't worry of it as cheating. Just do something terrible to us in the dreamlands. Don't worry about it. The four of you go down this staircase, which now appears yet again in the bottom of the boat. You walk down, and when you reach the bottom, you see, like, multicolored lights in the distance,

kind of moving you reach the bottom and you find yourselves in an underground cavern of some sort there's dim light coming from somewhere maybe some holes in the ceiling um that's reflecting off of uh like multi-colored phosphorescent fungus lining the cavern walls and so it gives everything a faint prismatic hue when you reach the base the stairs and turn around and see that the stairs are gone in front of you you see six ghouls. You fought ghouls. You fought ghouls back at the asylum. You know exactly what ghouls like.

They're the worst. And they're like on their hands and knees, and they're chanting in a language that I don't think any of you recognize. But one word seems to jump out at you as they say it over and over again. They're just repeating it, and the other words are all jumbled, but there's one word that you recognize, and the word is Nyarlathotep.

What? Behind those six chanting ghouls, you see dozens upon dozens of other ghouls, and they look like they're preparing for battle. You see some of them arranging themselves into strike teams, others are strapping on makeshift armor, and then some smaller groups are practicing sparring with each other. They look different from the ones that are chanting, a little more badass. They almost have like a dog-like face, like a canine snout. You have very clearly entered into a war camp.

entered into a war camp. As you stand there taking this all in, one of these green-skinned dog-faced ghouls pushes past the chanting ghouls towards you and he has his hands

aloft in a sign of peace. Atticus will mirror it. Hold up both of his hands. His hands. I hold up my hands. Quick, quick, hold up your hands.

I'm holding up my hands too. He puts his right hand up. I put my right hand up. I don't do that. I look at the others like, what are we doing? Do it. Be your left hand. Be your left hand.

Left hand. Have you come to answer the prayers of these simple fanatics? Yes. There are only two possible answers, so 50-50 shot on that one. Maybe. Maybe. What are your names?

I am Atticus Grimm. What do you call yourself? I am Wilkins. As ridiculous as that sounds. Jim Wilkins? Straight out of the book. Yes, Jim Wilkins. The Lengu. I am Wilkins The Lengu I'm Wilkins

What are your names? Yes I am Sir Julie Andrews, Knight of the Dawnflower The what? Knight of the Dawnflower Never heard of her Blasphemy I thought your name was Sir

Julie. That's what I said. Then who's blasphemy? You're the blasph... Never mind. Never mind. I apologize. Apologize, Wilkins. I'm done with you. What are your names?

I'm Ave Maria. A beautiful name. Thank you, Wilkins. I was still thinking of Atticus's name. What was yours again? You could just call me Ave. And you? I am Xantar, king of the Zooks.

A king? They are a surface people. Perhaps they are known to you. I have heard of such creatures. Big long canine snout. The fact that the four of you have come at this moment can only mean that you are a gift from the crawling chaos to which they prey,

points at the six ghouls. You look to be warriors, and we are at war. Beyond these caverns lies an underground necropolis that we ghouls inhabited for many years. A few years ago, we abandoned said necropolis to pursue other lands. But when we left our former home, a group of creatures moved in.

They are known as Gugs. Oh, God. When we lived there, these Gugs would not dare to show their face, for they fear the might of the Langools. But the second we left, they moved in.

I hate it when that happens. Yes. When we learned of this occupation, we returned here with all haste. Creatures such as they, occupying our sacred ground, is a defilement of ghoul history and tradition. Though we moved on from that necropolis, much of our people's history lies within the walls a gunk

occupation is not something we can abide what say you you want them exterminated if you are truly a gift from he to which they pray, then yes, our cabal gathered as many common ghouls as we could marshal on short notice to join our cause to drive out these gags. And some of these lesser ghouls have been performing these rituals to summon allies.

I will admit, we did not think such a desperate ritual would work, but yet here you are, answering the prayers of these commoners. So, will you help us? Oh, I

think you need to understand a bit more about the ritual you began. It is not so simple. We do not arrive and do your bidding for nothing. Rituals require great sacrifice, not only in prayer, not only in prayer, not only in your physical form. You seek reward like some common mercenary?

No. A gift. A gift we must bring to those gods we serve. Is not the feeling of knowing you preserve the sanctimony of our history enough? Fine, I will give you a gift.

Ten crysoberal gemstones. A king's ransom, if you ask me. But fair compensation for your mercenary service to our cause. You misunderstand me. Do I? As if there is something worth... A gold... A coin...

Money means nothing to us. Money means nothing to us. Wealth makes you weak. Wealth makes you weak. I have said it my whole life. You must understand, we are not the end. Beyond us, there are others who demand more. There are the gods that oversee all of us.

You speak in riddles, rat! They are not interested in your coin. They want your skull. My skull. Root, bite, root, bite, root, bite, root, bite, root, bite, root, bite. Silence! You want my skull do not play games with me

you know the skull of which I speak do I oh I think you do give us the skull of your king to desecrate as we deem fit. Xantop, just give me a moment. Just one fucking moment, please. He turns to the guy

he's like he's so good at just laying gucks like so good trust me we seek not to defile your king's skull

on purpose we sing to give it grit what did blasphemy say you're not helping either What did blasphemy say? You're not helping either. What did blasphemy say? A true follower of your stinky

god would would be a defiler. Zantar! Be a desecrator. There's something over there that I have to show. I'll go over in the corner for a little while. We are an army. This army includes no nobles that I know of.

I would gladly offer you their skull for your aid. But such a skull that you seek does not exist, however. He leans to one of his advisors. My attorney has given me... Puts his hand over the microphone. However. However... The Plaza of Bones ahead

contains a mausoleum of a Lengul hero named Skarkrim Fost. He was a ghoul prince that was destroyed many years ago. Now who knows what the gags have done since their occupation.

But this mausoleum should contain Prince Skarkrim's skull. If you are indeed a gift from the gods, then help us. And the skull shall be your recompense you sick weirdos says the green skinned ghoul with a canine snout

everybody roll a perception check to sense motive I'm gonna I wanna sense motive yeah try and sense motive here just an idea I came up with yeah that's smart I'm going to sense motive. Yeah, try and sense motive here. Just an idea I came up with. Yeah, that's smart. 26. 26.

28 for Sir Julie. 21 for Avi. Are you guys all in the 20s? Cool. 17 for Atticus. Everyone except Joe and Rachel failed. I mean, succeeded. Team Joe and Rachel.

Team Joe and Rachel, they failed. Santar, Ave, and Sir Julie, you notice during this talk of skull swapping, there's some, some like ghouls in the back who are just like muttering discontentedly. In the back.

Speak your piece. I'm going to the bathroom. We will only speak to the rat. Go on. They were talking to me. We're the same height. Are you talking to him or to me?

What? What do you want to know? What are you muttering about? We're sorry. We're so used to shitting off a side of the boat. That's not important. That's not important. The ghoul seems reticent to speak up and goes up to

Jim Wilkins and whispers and Jim's here and Jim's like, many years ago, the skull of a ghoul queen was taken from a similar mausoleum. The thief

was never caught, but we ghouls are wary of outsiders looking to essentially commit the same crime. Now, the difference being you are not outright thieving, just asking for it

as recompense, but still it rubs my people the wrong way. How dare you, outsiders, when you called upon us to come down and fight your wars for you. Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb. We can go back empty-handed, and you will be left to your own devices. Decide amongst yourselves what you'd prefer. Her emblem glowing on her chest.

Should you help us clear the plaza of bones, the skull is yours. And you can see that not everybody is psyched about this, but Jim Wilkins has spoken. Come, let's go. We shall depart in a few minutes. It's a four-mile journey to this erstwhile necropolis. As we get closer, we will break into smaller strike forces to assault the city from different directions.

I will direct you four to the Plaza of Bones before we pursue our own attacks. Or, perhaps, each of us command... No, we decided it while you were in the bathroom. ...separately in different parts of the city. I won't fight with someone if I don't know their name. What are the ghouls' names?

It's Pancake and Wedgie One and Wedgie Two. Oh, Jason. And then we wake up and we see... I had a dream. And you were there. And you were there. And you were there. And you were a Leng ghoul.

All right, let's rock. All right, come. I like the idea of dividing up and leading our own strike forces, though. Yes. Yeah, he disagrees. He explains to you that the Plaza of Bones is very narrow. Leaning an entire army in there would be foolhardy. A strike team of four like you would be better while they do a sort of pincer John around the back.

Quick question. What if we want to do the pincer John? Does he say pincer John around the back. Just a quick question. Does he say pincer john at any point? Frequently. Atticus is like, I like this guy. When the pincer john ends, we will see you back

at the john. Let us away. And so you fucking trek with this army of ghouls. Come on! An army of ghouls. Army marching music. Yeah, get any marching music? She wakes up in the morning.

Is that ants marching? The week as the week begins. She wakes up in the morning. Wide shot. All the little ants come marching. Just four of you and an army of fucking ghouls. You walk for miles, three, four miles,

until they give you the sign, we're going this way, you're going this way. Let's go to the map. Oh, baby. Paizo maps, they get the job done. Sure. Right? But we have upgraded our map game. Met a gentleman in Seattle? Or was it Portland? But we have upgraded our map game.

Met a gentleman in Seattle? Or was it Portland? Seattle? You know? I trust you. And it was the VIP after party. He said, yo, let me show you these maps. And he whipped out his dick.

No, he showed me his... Jeepers. And I said, I'm listening. No, he uh... Let's go to the map room and look at these maps. No, he showed me some maps and they were fucking him. By etchings. Showed me these maps and they're amazing, so shout out to Dave M, who has upgraded our map

game significantly. We're not on the map. I know you're not on the map. You do have to put our characters on the map. When you say let's go to the map, you should have the map. He's scrolling furiously. I'm just making sure that everything is the way I want it to be. Hey, Troy.

Hey, Matthew. I don't have the map yet. You don't have the map yet? Let me just refresh. Troy is just logging onto the Wi-Fi right now. The map. What's the password again? Sexy

Bike Guy 3. Let's go to the map. Ben has some legs. Take it to the map. Taking the map? Oh, do we have the map? Yeah. Before we throw it up, Matthew, is it actually

pretty sweet? Yeah, it's pretty sweet. It's pretty sweet. It's pretty sweet. Oh. Oh, that is pretty freaking sweet. If you saw the one

in the book, it sucks. This one's awesome. There's Atticus, Xantar, King of the Zoogs, Ave Maria, and Sir Chooly. Oh, but you don't know how to do maps for a show. You forgot. What? You gotta leave room around. Come on, man.

Shut up. Samajarawa! The promenade ahead of you is 30 feet wide and 20 feet high. There are two columns of pillars marching down the center. pillars marching down the center. You see more of that multicolored fungi along the ceiling that bathes the entire passageway

ahead in this eerie multicolored glow. The floor looks to be scattered with cracked bones that seem to be born numerous deeper into the cavern. But it's just us now.

No other ghouls. Just the four of us. Strike team Delta. In fact, you can hear the sounds of battle in the distance as they are going into other corridors. Do you have some, like, sounds of battle in the distance that I asked you to prepare earlier this week?

It's literally on this computer, and this computer can't do it. I can make some with my mouth. Yeah, Jared, do it. Clang, clang. Ow! Clang! Clang!

Clang! Shhh! Shhh! That was good. Oh! It's like we're there. I'll tell you what we don't have. We don't have distant sounds of the ghoul versus gug battle.

We definitely don't have that. We're never going to make it in this business until we do. You see this promenade leading deeper, and eventually it just goes into darkness. Come, friends. Let us perceive ahead of us and then forge a path yeah all of the columns are as you're as you start to focus on them they look to be carved to resemble like multiple intertwined skeletons of humanoids, and some creatures that you don't recognize at all. And it's just, obviously you can't see it here, but that's what the pillars are made of.

Just like skeleton upon skeleton upon skeleton. Some things you recognize, some things you don't. So Dave M. didn't want to do that work? How dare you? Dave M. is a saint. Oh, wow. Dave M. is a saint. I'm kidding. He's more of a cartographer than you'll ever be! Brandon a saint. Oh, wow. Dave M is a saint. I'm kidding, Dave. Matthew. I'm kidding. He's more of a cartographer

than you'll ever be! Brandon's over there like, wow. That is incredibly rude. Alright. Sorry I yelled. Come on, Sir Julie. Get your ass up there. You're the one. Go! I perceived and I rolled a 31. Ooh. A 31.

What are you looking for? Anything up there that might hurt us. A 31. What are you looking for? Anything up there that might hurt us. What does she perceive ahead? What are you looking for? I'm looking for bugs. How many are there down here?

One. Little centipedes. Two. Three. Actually, Atticus will exploration mode just detect magic. Constantly. Okay. What did you roll there,

Blasphemy? 31. 31. So, Sir Julie, you are kind of in the vanguard there. You look ahead. You look at these first two pillars. Think like Neverending Story. It's kind of like staring at you. They don't even look like one thing.

They look like tons of things, but they all seem to be staring at you. like tons of things, but they all seem to be staring at you. But as you look further into the cavern, the pillars all look like they're moving ever so slightly. All four of the ones in the back have a, like you just see with your like fucking world wound eyes, like slivers of movement from each pillar. I communicate this to the others in our pre-established

hand symbols. What does that look like? And Atticus's detect magic? Yes. Atticus's detect magic yes Atticus's detect magic you detect no magic I would say it was an illusion Sir Julie but

I detect no magic come let us let us advance together advance Zantar wants to like crawl really quickly and then kind of hide behind each of the columns as he goes. And kind of climb up

on them and hump them a little bit. It looks like he's humping them like a little bit. Just a tasteful amount. Yeah. Well he's really this is really how he reconnoiters but it looks a little bit like he's humping the columns xantar walks up to that first column humps it a little bit walks up to the second column humps it a little bit more sir julie is

watching this go down and it seems like there is something else in the room with you and in fact during one of Xantar's thrusts Oh god! Several beings come to life and by several I mean four.

Whoa! Those aren't guns? Three of the columns have these. Oh! They're horrible! They're horrible. I know what that is. What the fuck is that?

Is that a naga? Is that like a skeletal naga? It's like serpentine skeletal creatures. Oh. They're all wrapped around the pillar, and as Xantar's going at it, you see a head come around and stare at him. But that's nothing compared to the back of the room, where a large creature that looks like this. Oh, do it again, do it again. Did Joe fuck it up?

I clicked right at the wrong time. Dun, dun, dun, crank. There she is. Oh! What the fuck? It's like a mass of hundreds of skeletons all together, tied with sinew and muscle, and it comes to life. Roll for initiative.

Dude, that artwork is amazing. Hey, Nashville, you want to go long tonight? Hey! We're going long! Hey, basementful East employees, you want to go long tonight? We're going to have skids drop, so we've got to sing it. We're going long.

We're going long. So get your lines, because we're going long. We're going long. We're going long. So get your lines, because we're going long. catch on long Cause we're going long Yeah, Nick Lowe! We miss you, skin!

Little known fact. Originally written by Thomas Rhett, that song. Sir Julie, what's your roll? Thank you. A 16. 16. Natural one for Sir Julie. Salad.

A salad full of poop. Atticus. 24. Natural one. Oops. Oh. A salad full of poop. Atticus. 24. 24 for the rat. Ave. I rolled 29. 29. Welcome to the show, Ave.

Exit me. I'm ready. Santar, king of the zoos. I rolled a 2 for a 14 Oh no Alright Ave You get the jump on this Horrible

Situation What do you do She is going to run She was right behind Sir Julie And she seeing that Xantar king of the zo Zugs, is in trouble, having just humped a skeletal centipede, she is going to run up next to him and just slice with her new scimitar, which doesn't really matter because it has wounding and this is

a skeletal centipede, but she's going to slice at this thing. A little slice? Yeah. Okay. Slice away. Fuck. Let's go 11. 11 total? That rolled a natural 1. You really need

to say natural 1. I didn't want to say it. I know you're new here but that's a fan fumble. I'll pick a city. Nashville. Nashville. Nashville. You're welcome. Oh, dear.

Nashville. Did you guys get those Nashville t-shirts? Hey! Shout out to Carl who made that. Thanks, Carl! Thanks, Carl. Nashville fan from Boney? I hope this hurts me.

I hope this puts me out of the whole fight. Okay. Ironically enough, there is not a Nashville 2E melee fumble. You fucking freeloaders! But there is one from Patrick from Atlanta. Pat? Yeah, Pat from Atlanta.

A little too soon. Where we're going, we need confirmation rolls. Oh, no. You swing your attack at 88 miles an hour and travel back in time in a quick but legally distinctive way. For the next 1D6 rounds, you can only crit by rolling a natural 20 and confirming via Pathfinder First Edition rules.

Ha ha. Yeah, correctly singing the chorus of Johnny B. Goode halves the duration. Six fucking rounds. Can you sing the chorus of Johnny B. Goode? Can you do it first? That's true. There's nothing in the text that says we can't sing it for her.

Oh. Go, go, go, go, go. Johnny B. Goode. Go, go, go, go, go. Johnny B. Goode. Go, go, go, go, go. Go, go. That was close.

Go, Johnny, go, go, go. Johnny B. Goode. Johnny, go, go, go. That was close. Go, Johnny, go, go, go. Johnny be good. Johnny be good. 12 rounds. Johnny be good. 12 rounds. Wow. Can't believe we all knew the lyrics.

It only asked for the chorus. You moved. You attacked. You're done, dude. Yeah. What else do you want to do? You can attack. I can attack again.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, you know what? I did so bad on the first. Nothing could go wrong this time. Only way to go is up. Sydney, what are you doing to my dice? No, you did not. What?

Really? You did not. I rolled a two. Oh, okay. It's not that bad, but Matthew. That still might be a fumble. Matthew, you gave me your worst dice. I rolled them all and gave you only the ones that rolled over 15.

There's no way. There's certainly no way. There is a Joe die over there. You snuck one in? I did. You son of a bitch. Can you give me the total, please? Seven.

Seven? Which one? Which one? Take it back. This one I just rolled. Take it back. That is the two. Ugh!

Joe, I need another fan fumble. No, we don't fan fumble. Oh, because it wasn't a one, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. All right, so you're just a mess. So describe to me how you get up there and completely botch this attack. Well, here's the thing.

Here's the thing. Story-wise, this is not good for Ave because she is against the undead. And now she's leading an army of ghouls in a battle for a fake god. She's off her game because she's like, this is against Sarenrae. Like, this is against everything I believe in. I'm placating for this dreamland. What is going on? And then a giant skeletal snake showed up and she was like,

I'm fucking done. Swipe, swipe! And missed. Terrible. Really embarrassing for your first show as part of the tour, too. I think I think I'm making it interesting, but go on. Thank you. Maybe you should see if there's some flights out of Nashville tomorrow morning.

Jeepers! Wow, holy shit. Jared. Holy shit. Holy shit. Yeah, this is what it's like, Jared. This is what it's like. We'll send you back down to the minors so fast.

You'll be playing for the Nashville Guitar Picks. Atticus Grim, you're up. I'm already up? Yep. Before all the enemies? All right, I'll go. All right, I'm going to start with a ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Here we go.

I'll start with a knowledge check. I think I've got to try to figure out what's going on here. Okay, what are you trying to gain some knowledge on? Well, since I as a player already know the snake on dead things, I'll go with the other guy. No, I'm just kidding.

I will. I'll go with the guy in the back. That horrible creature. I want to see if I know what it is. So would this be religion? You could try religion. What is it? Is it Arcana? You're making some gross assumptions here.

Is it occultism? I think it's dungeon. Well, not dungeoneering, but what is the fucking 2E? You just roll whatever you want and I'll tell you. Okay. Arcana it is. Arcana, sure. Great. All right, Arc I'll tell you. Okay. Arcana it is. Arcana, sure. Great.

All right, Arcana. That is a 31. Good roll. It is a creature known as a bone golem. It is not undead. It is a construct. At least it doesn't have the undead trait here. You rolled 30.

I can give you a good piece of knowledge here. It's immune to magic. However, golems have this thing called golem anti-magic. This is going to be important, I think. And for this motherfucker, he is harmed by sonic and healed by negative and slowed by cold. Oh, really? He's healed by negative energy. This is Joe's role, not yours, Matthew. Oh, really?

Very interesting. Atticus... Atticus is going to cast Levitate on himself. Nope. Aren't the ceilings like 15, 20? That'll get past the Gollum anti-magic. That doesn't exist. Levitate. Wait.

Cold slows him, but he's immune to magic. Oh, well. Well, there are certain magics that do harm him. He is immune to all other forms of magic. Got it. Got it. Okay. Yeah, this is kind of a tight window.

You have two actions left. so you have two actions left. Alright, two actions left. He is just going to attempt to pull down a physical piece of the column that the creature that is wrapped around it and could attack Sir Julie is on. So the creature right in front of Sir Julie, the undead snake thing, he's going to pull a piece of that stone column and try to crush the bones of this creature.

Knock it out of alignment so that it can't hurt Sir Jules Natural 17. Oh! It's a 32 to hit. That is a critical hit. Oh! Get it! What kind of damage is this?

What's that? Is this bludgeoning damage? It is bludge, yes. Might do a little extra. Oh, this is all working out well. Might. Might. Might. I didn't even have my eye ready,

because I wasn't expecting to even hit. Alright, here we go. Oh! Oh, dude! Holy shit. That is... Oh, my God. Hold on a second.

I need a second. You're not used to success. It really is. It's, uh... That is 46 points of bludgeoning damage. Two sixes and a five, and another on 4d6, plus four, doubled. Oh, my God. Atticus!

Does it turn to dust? It immediately turns to dust. Yes! Yes! Yes! a duck. Yes! Yes! Yes! Come on, a crit! All right. Bam! Destroyed. One shot. Column crushes it. Column crushes it. You'll get a bottle cap for succeeding at the basics of the game. C, magic

missile. I was like, you. It is the bone golem's turn. Uh oh. Cool. It is cool. It is cool. It is cool. What gets my bone golem?

Shut up. Enough. We got the joke. Don't need to finish the sentence. He like moves off of the pillar. That was pretty good. You like that? And he just reaches out his hand.

I bet you practiced this in the mirror this morning. He reaches out his hand, and he just, like, calls something from the ground, and around Sir Julie, just, like, these shards of bones start to erupt from the ground to form a cage around her, just like, give me a fucking... Actually, I'm going to roll an athletics check

against your Fortitude DC. What is your Fortitude DC? Fortitude plus 10. That would be... Oh, no. The pressure is on. I know. Where's my Fortitude?

I'm looking for my athletics. Minimize. The longer you take, the better it is for me. 23. Oh, it's about time. 23. Good thing I found my athletics check. While you're wasting time looking for...

Here it is. 28, you're grappled. So this thing just... And you are trapped in a bone prison. What are my options, Wall-E? Well, when it comes to your turn, we'll talk about your fucking options. In the meantime, it's Sir Julie's turn. Let's talk about your options you can attempt to escape by using an acrobatics athletics or attack bonus as the

role whatever's best for you. Acrobatics, athletics, but that counts as an attack for your map. Multiple attack penalty. I call it a map. You can do that. You can attempt to destroy the cage as well by hacking away at it. You don't know how much time that's going to take. You assume there's probably a bit of a hardness to it as well as an AC, a certain amount of hit points.

Those are your options. So I can just try to escape, and I'll use my attack bonus. Did you put the grappled condition on your character? Indeed I did. Actually, it's called the grabbed condition in Pathfinder 2E, Troy. I don't need your life story. Just tell me what you want to do. I'm going to try to escape using my attack bonus.

Okay. Which is the best of those options. Great. I'm going to try to escape using my attack bones. Okay. Which is the best of those options. Great. That's going to be a 29. Fuck. Yeah! That's a two lead. The cage crumbles into bone shards.

As you just fucking He-Man out of there. Bone shards fly across the room. What a waste. That's one action. Then I shall stride up to the bone golem. Remove the grab condition. Oh, thanks.

Help yourself out. Appreciate that. You stride up to my bone. And I'll take... And I shall take my first attack, which will be my second in terms of math. That is a natural 19. So that is going to be a 30 to hit. That's pretty good. What kind of weapon do you got there?

Great sword. It's great. Is it? It's great. Great. Roll damage. All right. It's not undead.

We established that, right? Mm-hmm. Great. Get him, Sir Jody. All right. That's just going to be 18 points of damage. Woo! It doesn't look like all that goes through.

Really looks like you barely do any damage to it, and you look pathetic in front of your friends. I just ripped myself out of a bone prison. That was cool, but what have you done for me lately? What did you do with your third action? Exactly. I moved. It is one of the snake things turn, and one of them is the one

that was wrapped around the pillar that Xantar was humping, so it will go after Xantar. Ah! The deposed king of the Zooks. And you see the first thing it does, this will be fun, three action thing. This is how you know it does this will be fun three action thing

this is how you know it's going to be badass it sees you and while you were humping it if it if there was a mouth if there was a mouth to it that like still had skin on it it almost looks like it's smiling like it likes it

and it starts fucking dancing rhythmically to your thrusts. And all of you, whatever you're doing, you just can't help but look at this thing. Don't get the rules wrong. It's established that Zantar is easily hypnotized.

Each creature that witnesses the dance must attempt a will save. I didn't witness it. You see it. I'm not looking at it. Did you tell me you weren't looking at it? I tell you where my character looks.

He's looking at the Battle of Sir Julie and the Golem. I'm currently looking at the Bone Golem. I'm probably looking at it because I did just try to hit it. Thank you for playing the game. Whatever. Unlike these guys. Whatever. We're for playing the game. Whatever. Unlike these guys. Whatever. We're having a good time.

So, Zantar, King of the Zoogs, we'll save 26. We'll save 30. I wasn't lying, I just forgot. Quick question, did you lie about that? I got confused. You rolled a 30?

Yeah. Fucking liar. You are... At a 16, I did, I did. You are unaffected and temporarily immune from this dance of death for 24 hours. Great thing about 2E, a success. Sounds great, right?

Still a penalty. The creature is unnerved. You're unnerved by the swaying, and you are flat footed Until the end of the creature's next turn Me? No, I am You are flat My feet are flat

It sounds like you critically succeeded You did critically succeed Which you didn't mention I did say that You're immune for 24 hours Now, it's the other one's turn And it doesn't want to dance It just wants to for 24 hours. Now, it's the other one's turn, and it doesn't want to dance.

It wants... It just wants to... The Tillises brought their children. That's why I stopped. Thank you. Alright, this is going to be fun. It is going to kill one of Matthew's characters again. One of? I only got the one.

Slide up to Sir Julie. I've killed so many of your characters. That's true. Slide up to Sir Julie and just go to bite you with its second action. Come on, baby! Poop. 20. 20. Miss.

Yeah! Yeah! All right. All right, I'll try it again. This is not good here. Oh, man, you're lucky if I hit with this. Bad news bears. Another miss.

Okay, so that... One of these creatures has been turned into dust. It is Xantar, King of the Zoo,'s turn. Xantar! Xantar is going to stride twice around this pillar. One, two, three, four. He has 20 feet of movement, but then he's going to stride twice so he gets to the other side of the big boss man.

The Bone Golem. Flanking! Flanking with Sir Julie. And he looks at Sir Julie like, Wow. Well put, Your Grace. And then he swings his great club right into the parts

that look soft. Oh yeah. Get that bludge, John, going. Let's go with a bludge, John! Yeah. All right. That was... Oh, God. Uh-oh. I rolled...

I rolled not well. Oh, man. 21. 21. It is flat-footed. Oh? However, because of the flanking, that is not a hit. Oh. Did you rage?

Oh, God, I forgot to rage. Well, I needed all that movement. I'll rage next turn. Okay, okay. So you moved, attacked. But you had to double move to get over there? I had to double move because I have 20 feet because I'm a stubby-legged dwarf. It's round two.

It's Ave Maria's turn. Come on, Ave Maria. Ave Maria. And she sings that every time she goes, and now it's canonical. Thank you. Sheboygan. She doesn't want to do this and hurt her

allies. Go on, I like it already. But she's going to do this. You see her reach into a pack on her belt, beneath her armor, and she pulls out a small vial and quickly prays

to Sarenrae and it glows this like yellow fiery glow and then she just chokes it at the bone golem. I'm gonna say this spot. There's no way to miss my allies but I'll say this I'm not clicking. This spot

directly behind the golem. Right behind the golem. Right behind the golem? And you have to make a reflex save for every character. So I'll let them make their own saves. Your friends. Wait, for us too? Yes.

How far is the radius on this, John? Did you just fireball us? 30. No. 30 feet. Okay. All right, so that's everybody except Atticus and you, John. Did you just fireball us? 30. No. 30 feet. Okay. So that's everybody except Atticus and you, I think. Except Atticus and Ave Maria. Yeah. So everybody roll. Love it.

Sit. Sit. Love it. You guys ran into battle and this was a great idea that I had and I won't give up on it. Alright. No problem. I'm going to roll for the two snake. Oh, sorry. 20 foot burst. 21st. I'm going to say it's still, you could aim it in a way that's going to if you want to attack all three of the

enemies, it's going to attack Sir Julian Zantar as well. Yeah, that's fine. Sir Julian Zantar, you roll a reflex. I'll roll a reflex for my three guys. I suspect I critically failed. Oh, no. Awesome. First snake guy rolled a 21.

The second one rolled a 18. Fail, fail. Fail, fail, fail. 13 for Sir Julie. That's also a fail. 19 for Xantar, King of the Zoo. That's also a fail. What's the DC?

24. So that's a critical fail. That's a fail for Sir Julie. And one of my snakes critically failed. What did you roll? I failed. I rolled a 19. 19 is just a regular fail. A critical fail for Sergio. And one of my snakes critically failed. Was your roll a... I failed. I rolled a 19. 19 is just a regular fail.

And then the bone... Come on, dude. 31, dude. Fuck! That's the one I really wanted! Anyway... It's surprisingly spry for a bone golem. Bone golem!

This was a vial of holy water, and I am casting Holy Cascade. But don't worry, it deals bludgeoning damage. So there is... Basically, it's a tiny vial of holy water, and I am casting Holy Cascade. But don't worry, it deals bludgeoning damage. So there is basically, it's a tiny vial. As it explodes, a huge cascade, like a tsunami wave, comes out of it. I like it. And hits all of the enemies, dealing 3d6 bludgeoning to them. And not only to undead, to living creatures as well. To living creatures, 6 extra d6 to positive damage to the undead.

But we don't know if they're undead or not. The golem is not undead. They don't have the undead trait on here. Are they fiends? They're golems. They're golems. Are they fiends? Constructs.

Come on. So it's just three D6. All right, three D6. But they could be weak to bludgeoning, which would do a little extra damage. And one of them critically failed, which would be double damage. So that'll be 11 flat.

So double for the ones. 22 to the one that critically failed. Plus its weakness to bludge. The other one took 11. I like it. I other one took 11. I like it. I like it, Sid. I think it's good. Well, I mean, sorry, Sir Julie.

You just got to heal Sir Julie. You're a healer. She goes, I'll get you on the rebound. Why, Ave Maria? You look really wet. I'm so sorry. Why? I'm sorry.

Do you have any actions left? I can move, but will I? Wait, forgive me. Did this damage Xantar? Yes. Sorry. How much? Eleven. Ouch. Forgive me. Did this damage Xantar? You dare to damage

your king? She makes this huge wave and then she takes five-foot step up in between these two. Actually, she'll go right next to Ser Julie. Badass. And she just, again, unsheathes her scimitar and just says, Come at me! And looks at the worms. Atticus Grimm.

Atticus Grimm is going to slide into the shadows at the corners of the room. Slide, slide. Slide, slide into the shadows, giving him a clear view of the Bone Golem some 20 feet away. He's then going to begin the hand motions and the casting jaws that are needed for Ray of Frost.

He's going to cast a Ray of Frost at the Bone Golem. Rachel, you son of a bitch. You have one more chance. You have one more chance. Don't be an asshole, Rachel. Don't ruin it. We will have you escorted out.

I actually should see if it's a roll. It is a roll. I thought it was. Okay. Here we go, Rachel. 90-18, Rachel! Rachel! Yo, this is what Rachel does when she's excited.

Oh, dude, come on. Well, he's going to have a higher AC. That is a 33. 33 is a hit. Yeah! Okay, that's good. That's good. So it's magical damage. Ooh!

I mean, that is pretty good for what it is. That is 16 points of cold damage. Okay. Here's what happens. He doesn't take any damage

because he's immune to the magic, but he is slowed by the cold. Yes! Yes! So he loses an action next round. Loses an action next round. Is it just for one round he is slowed by the cold. Yes! Yes! So he loses an action next round. Loses an action next round. Is it just for one round he's slowed?

I believe so. You look up your cold thing. You should look it up. It's your job. It's your spell. No, it has nothing to do with my spell. It has to do with his weakness. His weakness? Oh, I'm sorry. Yes. Is he slowed for one minute? It just says slowed by cold.

For one minute? It just says slowed by cold For one minute, cool He's slowed by cold It could be for the rest of his life Is that your entire turn? That is my entire turn It is the bone golem's turn He bones He bones He's done his bone prison

And it was not great If there was any consolation I did not enjoy the experience He is going to drop some Bony fists on you sir Julie But they're spiked as well As like shards of fucking femurs And other bones

First attack 27 It's fucking femurs and other bones. First attack. 27. Miss. Come on with your miss. Full play, man. Shit stack. All right, here we go.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, 30. That hits. There we go. You forgot the multiple attack penalty. I took the multiple attack penalty. took the multiple attack penalty Liar Fraud That is going to be 14 points of bludge

Plus 1d6 bleed On your turn From the shards of bone in his fist Damn it Shards of bone in his fist and then he is going to end his turn immediately. That's right.

Yes. Yeah. Because he is slowed. It is Sir Julie's turn. Sir Julie. Sir Julie, you're surrounded by snake skeletons and a bone golem

that punched you with his bony fist. I've been in situations I liked better. Now give me the bleed damage. Thank you for being honest. You take two points of bleed damage. Okay, all right. So first action,

Sir Julia's gonna lay on hands. Does that end the bleed effect? Yes. Awesome. Second action, Sir Julia is going to take a swipe at the snake to her left You should know

that's a cold hearted snake He don't play by rules 19 to hit Just kidding, there are lots of rules 19 to hit The cold kidding. There are lots of rules. 19 to hit. 19 to hit. Natural three. The cold-hearted snake is a miss. Embarrassing.

I'm going to use a herb more. All right. Is it too late? You already used it, didn't you? I did not. You know what? Please. For the good city of Nashville, use your...

Yeah! We call them bottle caps, though. It's proprietary to the Glass Cannon Network. 27 to hit. Now we're talking. Yes! Yes! Heroes!

Are they undead? It matters. No, it doesn't say that they are. It's crazy that they're not. I mean, look at this thing. Nope, clearly not undead. No, no, no, it's not. It actually isn't.

It's a construct. Yeah, they're constructs. One of the things that makes them so hard to beat is because, yeah, they're constructed by some necromantic energy. Undead bones. 17 points of damage. 17 points of damage. Not bludgeoning. No, not bludgeoning.

Unless you've got a versatile John. I mean, it can do piercing or slashing, but it can't do bludgeoning. You need to carry just, like like a club on your belt. Yeah. Santa! Lend me your club. Ah! Oh, he can't lift it with one hand. And then he sort of almost falls over.

I shall have to proceed with my sword. Second attack, also on the snake. Okay. Crack die. Crack die. Natural one. Oh. No! That would be a fan fumble.

Oh, shit. Fan fumble. Fan fumble. Fan fumble. Fan fumble. Fan fumble. Fan fumble. All right.

How about the city? Catman, dude. Oh! We got Foreman from Atlanta. Foreman. Foreman? I presume from Twitch. Elosh Foreman?

The director? Don't call it Hotlanta. Using an outdated nickname for the city has caused your character to feel the fiery rush of shame come across them. for the city has caused your character to feel the fiery rush of shame come across them. Take 1d6 persistent fire damage for 1d4 rounds.

I'll roll that d4 and lie about what I get. And then explain to me how that Resistant damage ends with a dc15 flat check, I believe. Two rounds, five points of damage right now. Fire damage.

Okay. Is that the end of your... Is that the end of my turn? Woeful turn. Is that the end of my turn? End of my turn? What's up for me? All right.

It is my snake's turn. Ooh, they're mad. The first one says, hey! Hey! You can talk? Middle of the room. Everyone look at me! And you do.

Everybody roll a will save. You! You're immune. No, I'm immune! I look him in his little sockets. Right. Hey! Hey!

Hey! Unaffected. Look at me! Hey! Hey! Unaffected. Look at me! Don't look! And he plays What'd you say? It's a cold-hearted snake He don't play by his eyes

28 Girl, don't play the fool 27 C-c-c-c-cold-hearted Snake Fuck Uh, 19 Yes Snake. Fuck. 19. Ooh!

Yes. DC 20. Oh! Failure. You are distracted by the swaying and by the sounds of Paula Abdul. You are stunned one. After you recover, you are flat-footed until the end of its next turn. Okay.

Okay. Stunned one. That's actually fine. I'm fine. This is great. Best thing that ever happened to you? Best thing that ever happened to me. Okay.

That's its action. That takes all three actions. The other one is going to bite. I don't want to fucking bite. Did you move? Did you fucking move? Cheater! You people.

Cheater! Fraud! Shame! How dare you! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! Mama! Alright, it stays in its position and says, hey, hey!

Oh, but Atticus doesn't have line of sight now. You see him. There's a, there literally is a column. The other one goes to bite Ave Maria. Good fucking luck. Hey. Huh? Hey.

Yep. Oh, dear. Oh, fuck. 27 to hit. Yeah, that fucking hits. That activates my retributive strike. Oh, you're dead. You're done, kid.

Yeah. You're done. Sir Julie spins around. Does that preempt the damage? It gives her a resistance nine against the damage. Is that it? Well, because you didn't move, I now can't take the five-foot step to attack it. Here comes the damage.

Yeah, now I can't. All right. Here we go. Let me just get my D10 out. That's going to be nine points of damage, so none. So none. So none. Don't get too excited.

Wow, I feel the power of Sarenrae run through me. Don't get too excited. I'm excited. Give me a Fortitude save. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yes. Oh, no.

Oh, no. 19. Oh, shit. I can feel it coming. He's taking a sip of a Bud Light. It's a 19. This creature. Shabam!, bites you.

Sir Julie's shared god powers protect you from the damage. However, it cannot protect you from paralysis. Oh, no! And we'll see you in Atlanta. No! No! No. No. No. No. Oh, no.

The worst. No. Nashville, I love you. Thank you so much, Nashville. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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