The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 62 – The Ghast and the Curious

Episode Date: February 14, 2023

The heroes find themselves amidst the shattered remnants of a once great city in search of the final gift. Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Matthew Capodicasa, Sydney Amanuel and Kate Stamas as they tour the country playing the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Pathfinder Adventure Path. Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/vZxP75mDN70 For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com and for exclusive content and benefits, subscribe today at patreon.com/glasscannon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Happy Thursday, everybody. Hey, how about these Valentine's Day colors? Pew, pew, pew. Oh, man. Valentine's Day is for sex. It's your once a year day. Get out of no sex free cut. Yeah, no, it's this is our last show before valentine's day and we we celebrate it every year how do you celebrate it on the show oh oh that's right kate this is your first

oh man your first v-day on the john okay troy oh all right we gotta do you do the honors you know i know i think it's about if matthew explained uh you know what i agree he he wore a shirt obviously in celebration of the holiday. Yeah, there he is. I specifically planned it that way. What am I explaining? What we usually do on the last show. What we usually do.

For Kate, what we do on the pre-Valentine's Day show. Yeah. You really should have gotten an email from HR first, but I guess we can do it live. Do it live. So it all begins with everyone wears a very specific article of clothing. And I'm not – I don't have anything. Sorry. I was like, are you guys serious?

Is this a thing? I was licking the riffs immediately. Yeah, we don't do anything. Do you guys do anything in real life anymore? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we always try to to get something cooking it's tough here because like

um you know the suburban life with the kids is like all the babysitters are booked on valentine's day so like you have to like get in early or you're just like oh i guess we're dominoes at home uh which is fine by us you know but like if you want to go out to a nice dinner, which I like to do on Valentine's Day, like going out to a nice dinner. See, that's your mistake. Why not go out on February 13th and get and beat all of the crowds? No, I will and we do sometimes, but it's just fun to do it on the day. I enjoy – I thoroughly enjoy being in a fully packed, crowded restaurant as long as I don't have to wait an hour and a half to sit down.

You know what I mean? If I have a reservation, I'm sitting down and everything. I don't like a somewhat empty place. Like I like being in a crowded restaurant. I love that vibe. Let's get you a big Valentine's Day celebrator. Yeah, we usually – I don't like the crowded restaurant thing. We usually go like the crowded restaurant thing.

We usually go the day before or the day after or something. And then Valentine's Day, we'll just make out on the couch. Yeah. Just like in high school. You got Joe. You got Joe. He's throwing up in his cup.

I'm vomiting into my cup. It's so nonchalant, the delivery. I know. It's just like in all, like immediately, immediately in my head, I just saw you and Samantha just making out on the couch for like 10 hours. Just like you're like, and then all day we could just make out on the couch. That's right. You want to watch away.

The real business of Valentine's Day. Oh, God. Katie, you big Valentine's Day celebrator? I was going to say, like, we do the same thing Skid does. Just make out on the couch all day. Ended with make out on the couch like like we don't realize it's happening until it's like too late to schedule anything so then we'll always kind of like be like okay well next week we'll we'll go out for dinner and it's just like that every year

where it's like the weekend after we'll go out for dinner uh matthew you what do you do do you do something yeah Yeah, I mean Write a play about Valentine's Day That's never I write a movie called Valentine's Day Which is not something that's ever been made before Ooh, I like it I sit in a room separate from my wife

And write about people in love Write about love Write about love The love I wish I had with my wife What was it last week? That your terrible Write about love. The love I wish I had with my wife. When was it last week that your terrible, the worst NPC you've ever presented? He has to be dead. Yeah, he couldn't be loved.

He was too unable to be loved. Unable to be loved. Like it's a medical condition. So he gave you his two most valuable magical items. He was saving it for his future wife, but he gave up. He gave up. We caught him on the but he gave up. He gave up. We caught him on the day he gave up. That's amazing. So lucky.

Kaylin's birthday is a few days before Valentine's Day, so we go out on her birthday. And then on Valentine's Day, we get several of our favorite foods, which include bread, cheese, and wine. And eat them off of each other. Eat them off of each other while watching a British television show. Oh. Interesting. What if I slice this brie on your chest? Where's the brie?

Oh, it's over here on my shoulder. Melting. What show? Well, let me work my way up there. I'm still on the crackers. I'm like, ah. What British show do you watch? It's something different every year.

Well, it began we would watch like some period drama. But then we've expanded the definition to be. But now it has to have British in the actual title. So it's usually the British baking show. We would, except it's usually, we usually finish that long before Valentine's. Yeah, I know you're a big fan. That's why I mentioned it. Period drama is the last thing you want to happen

on Valentine's Day. It's like terrible timing. Yeah, you never want to get your period on Valentine's. You should watch Yes Minister. You should watch Yes Minister. We might actually. Yeah, it's a good show. Skid and I watched Yes Minister in Philadelphia.

Most recently. Yeah, never heard of it. Maybe you could just watch The British Office. Give that a whirl. My wife and I don't celebrate it anymore. It's always like the day before. She's like, wait, are we doing this? And I'm like, don't worry about it. And then I get her something.

She's like, I thought we weren't doing it. When you have kids, it's just impossible to do anything. We also don't have a babysitter, so it's just like we celebrate with the kids. We make a big deal like chocolate breakfast, hearts everywhere, but yeah, it must be nice to have a babysitter.

You could get one, you know. They're available. I don't know. He's not going to hire just any babysitter. I know. You can go through an agency and have them do the background checks for you. An agency. I didn't know that. I'll look into that.

He's about to have so much free time. You want to pick up some extra money on the weekends? You know what? You know how Eris eats children? Well, that's part of me. We're like, I just don't like it. You're just playing yourself. Yeah.

Yeah. There's a little bit of you in every character you play, and that's part of me. The one part you and Eris have in common is the children eating. We don't really like kids. What do you do with their souls in real life once you eat them? Oh, God. I unfortunately don't have – the commonality ends at the liking. And then we diverge.

Right. Got it. Sydney, what about you? Valentine's Day plans? That's why she couldn't make it tonight. She's got big V-Day plans. V-Day plans all the way in Italy. Sydney will be back next week.

And that's all we have to say about her. I miss Sydney. I'll say that about her. Yeah. I miss her as well. And I also am incredibly jealous of her Italian excursion. Yeah. Yeah.

I love Dolomite. I don't know why she went all the way over there to see it. It does seem like a long trip. Maybe it wasn't playing here. I guess. I don't know. She won't even get that joke. Dolomite? We tried to make it several times.

Well, we miss you, Sydney. We'll see you next week, maybe, if we let you back. In the meantime, you have got your hands full on your final question mark? Exclamation point? Parentheses? Interrobang? Ampersand? Dream Quest.

You come to this city that looks like it used to be a great happening place, but now it is empty. It is desolate. It is not even destroyed so much as just weird. And what's weird about it is the trees,

the birds, the dog, a couple people are ceramic. There are chunks of the buildings that aren't made of stone that have these ceramic parts to them as well. Something happened here that changed the land. But it's empty. Or is it? Because as you're looking about, you notice you're being watched. Faces duck behind windows in alleyways. And then Eris and Ethel sneak down an alleylooking face staring back at them. Atticus and Aldo hanging back see more than a dozen of these creatures start to come out of the windows, out of holes in the wall, crawling down to surround Eris and Ethel and know them to be ghasts.

Skid, you're an old school gamer like me, but you are much more knowledgeable about the lore, the old school lore. What do you remember as a kid about ghouls and ghasts? Ghouls, I remember

the worst thing about them was that they could paralyze you. Unless you're an elf. Elves were immune. That was funny. And I always thought, and ghasts, I just remember that they emitted some kind

of like cloud of odor or something that was debilitating. I think that was like something I can never remember. It's funny, I always thought that ghasts were like a weaker version of ghouls, but I guess that was like something I can never remember it's funny I always thought the ghasts were like a weaker version of ghouls but I guess that's not true so I don't know

yeah they are at least in the Pathfinder universe and I'm sure in other games as well they are more hardcore but they're definitely a version of a ghoul. So all ghasts are ghouls, but not all ghouls are ghasts.

And you're seeing them come down around you. I imagine Ethel on sheets, right? Eris? Out of nowhere. Out of invisibility. Just out of complete nothingness. Both weapons. So hardcore.

Eris, fingers splayed, neck quivering. Oh, come on. The thought of a battle. They come down and one of them who's like half on the wall, half

still in the building says, Who are you? Ethel exchanges a look with Eris. Let me try to work some... So, one second. I just gotta say that with Atticus

and Aldo all the way in the back, and Ethel and Eris up in the front, like the forefront of this negotiation as these things come down, and Eris is going to begin speaking with us, speaking with them on our behalf. Atticus just like turns to Aldo and is like, oh, dear. This is less than ideal. It's too late now. Let's see what Eris can do in the world of diplomacy. Who are you?

Diplomacy. Hey, my name is Eris. And right here, she takes out Egg, her poppet. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. He's got an ambassador trait, so he actually, like, assists me. They, it, I don't know. Actually assists me. Is the poppet living?

I thought you just had this little doll that you were like, this is my little girl. I like to imagine that, like, I, yeah, it has a soul in it. But, like, it doesn't really move around really move around unless I'm interacting with it. Thank you for giving me the creepiest answer. And it only talks to me. Have you seen Megan, Troy? You found a way of not answering the question and making it weirder. So it has a soul, but it doesn't move around.

Okay, great. Sorry I asked. But it also has the ambassador trait. Cool. I haven't seen Megan, but I like the dance. Continue with your weird role play. All right. So with the ambassador trait, despite it being a chameleon, it gains one reaction when it turns or whatever. But it aids me in diplomacy with make an impression type of thing. And it makes my successes, I think, automatically

critically succeed. Anyway, I also have a skill feat called group cohesion. And since I'm an expert in intimidation, so if I use intimidation, that's my own. I can coerce

up to four people. Okay. What's that word you're throwing around there? Are you adding a silent H to the word co-hearse? It was not silent. Co-hearse? I feel like cohesion and coercion had a baby and it came out of your mouth. Wait.

I think that's, she's doing the British pronunciation. Cohesion. Ah, yes. Coersion. Let me co-hearse you to get on this lift. Let me coerce you to get on this lift. Let me coerce you to put some herbs. Let me coerce you. On your salad.

Let me just sir some vent you. I'm thinking way too hard about how the words are spelled now. It's co-erce. All right. Isn't it just coerce? Isn't it just coerce? Isn't it just coerce? I don't know. It's a really weird looking word, and I try to pronounce every letter of all the words that are presented to me.

And so that comes out coerce. Hey, Joe, what's the big building in a lot of cities where they hang paintings for people to go and look at? Yeah. The museum? Yeah. What's wrong with that? Go on, Kate. It's a glass house where he's...

There's no solid H in there! So I'm going to try to group co-heirs, like four of them around me, and hopefully the rest follow suit and fall in line. Listen. I don't know what you're trying to do, but all right. How dare you laugh at me after the last episode? Is this a unique Pathfinder ability, this cohesion?

Is this an Albany pronunciation? I'm saying it fine. Coherence. This is the final episode before Valentine's Day. What happens is inevitably somebody says something weird, and we just stay on that for the whole episode. I don't know what it is. All right, so you're going to...

I'm going to try to group co... And also use egg... Just make a hand gesture. ...as kind of like an ambassador to maybe boost it. I don't know. So you're like ventriloquist dummy, the puppet, basically? Well, the puppet's off to the side, just kind of looking cute and friendly.

That's kind of how I imagine. Because I'm... It's supposed to help lure children, but right now it's trying to calm ghouls. Oh, it's supposed to lure children. Oh, that's horrible. That's how I imagine it. It's like an ice cream truck in a Spawn comic. We're going to get demonetized.

Let's try this again. Where are you from? Well... Why would you try to coerce us, stranger? Oh, I'm just trying to let you know we're not here to cause any harm. We're just here looking for an item. Maybe help out the town if you guys need any help. Seems like there's a lot of orange ceramic people.

guys need any help? Seems like there's a lot of orange ceramic people. And yeah, no, we're not here to cause any issues. I really like what you've done with place. Love your outfit. Do you

make a mockery? No, I'm being sincere. The city of Arvinton. Look at me. I'm being sincere. What was once the great city of Arvinton? Look at me. I'm being sincere. I love this stuff. If I may, that's her sincere face. Go on.

We do not take kindly to words such as that, for this used to be a place of prosperity until the great disaster came and laid waste to all who lived here. Oh, what is the disaster? They all grumble, grumble. Maybe another one, like a female ghast who is closer to Apple, yells up to you, No one knows how it started! At one moment it appeared as if a sickness was in the air, a plague of sorts.

But so quickly it washed over our land and became something else entirely. All who lived were turned into these ceramic things you see. From the most bountiful trees to the most putrid vermin, none were spared save for us. We survived as the creatures you see here. A curse perhaps greater than death. For that all we loved, all who we loved, were taken from us and now our hunger is endless. What do you eat? Another one pops its head out of windows. What do you use to Another one pops its head out of the window.

We used to eat the dead. We realized after scavenging the land that the corpses below the earth were untouched by this plague. So we feasted on them. It was dirty business, but it was the only way we could stay alive in our state. That was until these creatures came and took over our cemeteries, and now

they feast on our food. You know, I might have something of a peace offering to show you. We're not here to mess anything up. We could actually maybe try to help. And she reaches into her cloak.

She pulls out. Come on. They're bulls. They're ghasts. She reaches into her cloak and she pulls out. Like one of the severed limbs that she has collected. She's got a gun! Perhaps.

A token of feasting? Oh, and there you're just like, is this some sort of trick? No, I'm trying to make friends. And usually people don't like it when I try to do that, but I feel

like you and me can see on a level, you know, I got a body part, you want to get a body part. Whose turn is it? Caresto? I can try to get more. I want to help out. How can we help you with the sickness? Where did it start? Could I first have that

limb? Yeah, here. Thank you. And he hands it to Caresto and this guy's like just starts chewing on the limb going oh my god it's that fucking good

it's out of my face he's just eating away at it oh oh oh that's good do you uh need to be alone over there

Caresto oh god I haven't eaten in weeks thank you you say you want to help then rid us of these these abominations that eat our stores. These creatures, they moved in, and they are digging into the graves and eating the only source of nourishment that we have. Get rid of them.

That will help us. And perhaps, perhaps you then will be the answer to our prayers for long have we prayed for people to come and save us to not only take this curse

but to rid us of these beasts um tell us everything you know about these creatures leave no detail out let us be armed with all the information you have we cannot get too close Everything you know about these creatures. Leave no detail out. Let us be armed with all the information you have.

We cannot get too close. They are too powerful. Some of our number went in to try and clear them out, and they were wiped out immediately. But we do know some things. They are multi-legged, gray-skinned, except for these horrible red-webbed feet. They have a stench about them,

an odor that is rotten. They are too powerful. We cannot defeat them. But surely a warrior sent from above, like yourselves, could easily take them out. There is no more than a half dozen or so in the nearest cemetery. If we were to just clear that out, it would give us succor for months on end. There are so many kinsmen of ours

that we could eat. What about curing this curse? Because you also mentioned that's a possibility. Do you know of such a way to remove this disease? Do I? To restore Arvenden to its once great state? No, you don't.

Not at the moment. Please tell us, oh powerful witch. Please. Not at the moment, but if I ever find anything out as I get smarter, I will definitely come back and try to help you out. You must wait for the last day before the Feast of St. Valentine.

If it is a full moon, take all your... That's all I got. Okay, Ethel. Okay. Well, if you at least clear out the cemetery, that would be of great help to us. Then we can get in there and eat

everyone we used to love. Okay. I see no issue with that. Doesn't it feel sometimes like everyone you used to love is eating you? Like for the rest of your days, they're just sinking their teeth into you and just tearing. Ethel. Please. Too much?

Yeah. Let's not make this about other things. Sorry, our companion has his own baggage that he's bringing into this. Sorry about that. He's trying to relate to the ghouls on a level just like I have. It's natural. Ethel has started to get to that place where I'm picturing the dude with Walter with walter with the vietnam stuff yeah it's just like what's that shit about vietnam man it has nothing to do with it um talk to anyone that'll listen

right um did you uh sorry i was distracted for a second did either of you um mention the foot the the what is it hen's foot? These creatures all have these feet. Oh, so they have these feet. Does that ring a bell? Oh, the ones we're going to kill have... They all have them. Okay, great. It's not like a particular one or an

idol or anything like that. It's just... We've got to cut a foot off. We get to the cemetery and they're holding up a single red web foot. Oh, hell! You just need a red web foot. Atticus will just say to Aldo, everything we read. And he's just exhausted, like his head is bowing

a little bit, like, everything we read it said, stay out of cemeteries. It's the one place to not go if you don't want to get infected with this corpse pox or zombie rot. Maybe we can lure them out of the cemetery. I doubt it.

They'll probably want to fight on their home turf, but they have the greatest advantage. Gas, if you don't mind me asking, is there something that they like that they come out to hunt? No. They only feast on the dead. What if we had, say, body parts from dead people? Do you think we could make a trail and draw them out into more favorable fighting territory?

Such the one you just presented to Corresto? Yeah, I have more where that came from. Yes. Yes, perhaps that would work. But they are large in number. You must have enough. Did you bring enough body parts for all the undead?

Probably not, unless my cloak is a magical bag of monster part- cloak but i was thinking maybe just like even if we could just lure one away it would help the battle so it's not like potentially six on one yes you are wise warriors to be thinking of tactics we went in there like fools and were immediately slain and they didn't even honor us by eating our flesh, for our flesh is disgusting to them. For we no longer live. Look at us.

We're hideous. You are not hideous. Or even if you are, who cares? Can't let them judge you. Right? Right, Ethel? Exactly. You don't give a...

You shouldn't care what any of those fucks think. They don't have any taste. Obviously. You're looking around. You don't want to hear about what people you used to know are saying to the people you... The other people you used to know. You just can't think about that. used to know are saying to the people you, the other people you used to know. You just can't think about that.

You got to put it out of your mind and live your life or in your case, your, your death. But the same, you'd say it tracks. I don't, I don't fully understand, but just trying to gas you up a little bit.

Yes. It seems as if you mean to help. You have successfully coerced us. Now go, clear out that cemetery and end these dream quests. She holds up the poppet. With pleasure. Thank you so much! See you later!

How strange these people are. Could they have been sent from gods, or are they gods themselves? And the guy's like, I don't know. I'm just really hungry. I just want to eat my loved ones so bad. I can't think about anything else

but eating my dead loved ones. I probably just wanted to eat my great-grandmother. My dead loved ones. I probably wanted to eat my great-grandmother. And they just lift their long, bony, long-ass fingernail pointing towards the direction of a cemetery that's like a football field away. You see in that direction, there's more of these statues of people that once were.

And as you get closer to the cemetery, there's, like, you know, dozens of them, like, right outside the cemetery. So whatever happened here, like, no one quite knows. The history's lost. All right. Troy, at the time that we were investigating these whomps, did we get the sense that though they ate, they feasted on the dead, they were carrion eaters, did we get the sense that they were living as opposed to undead creatures?

Yes. They are aberrations. You read about that. Aberrations, right. Yeah, I guess I'm just confused. This is outside of what needs to be relevant here right now, but why would a ghast be hungry, right? Like undead don't eat, do they?

No, they do. Zombies. They're driven by their hunger. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. An unnatural hunger. Yeah, a hunger they can never fulfill. Yeah. Yeah, they're, gas in particular, are constantly hungry. Interesting. And they're relentless in the

pursuit of living flesh. So even though womps aren't undead, they have the same taste. Got it. That was just important for spell preparation. Sure. Okay. Great. Thank you.

With any luck, we will rid this place of these creatures for you and be on our way quickly. And with this little challenge as possible. Sorry, we were still talking. I wasn't. You know, I'm also an aberration. Get out of here. Yeah. Maybe I can talk to these weird webbed feet people, too. Oh, great. If they kill you, we'll eat you.

Okay, I understand. We will honor you and your puppet. Thanks. Thanks a lot. The Baba Yaga will appreciate that. Ah, whoever that is. Good. We will tear at your flesh, and it will be delicious.

Thank you. I would feel honored. All right. Have fun at the cemetery. All right. Bye. See ya. And so the heroes walk towards the cemetery.

Is Suki with them? Who knows? But you get to this. There's, like, this part of the cemetery. It's not a huge cemetery, but you see it in the distance. And there looks like there used to be a wall surrounding it that's fallen inward with age. So it's pretty easy to access. But it stinks.

You can smell. You smell decay right when you came into the city. The closer you get to the cemetery, and it's still, you know, 50, 60 yards away, the smell is overpowering because all these graves have been opened up by the current inhabitants. You see mausoleums, monuments, headstones dotting the landscape ahead of you. monuments, headstones dotting the landscape ahead of you. And while the part that they're directing to is rather small, as you get closer you see that the cemetery is much larger than it looks and it stretches a mile in every direction.

Once you get past the broken down wall, there's an iron fence in the distance. It's still up. It's like surrounding it. And there's all these ceramic statues like standing vigil outside the cemetery. Same thing, just like humans walking, speaking, eating a roast beef sub.

Did the guests say anything about the ceramic people they just said that everything was living that was living was turned to ceramic the trees the birds in one instant so they were they were undead before no for some reason like two things happened when whatever happened here you either returned to ceramic or you returned to a ghast. Oh, so it's like Omega Man. What is that? The Charlton Heston movie based on my legend. My name is Legend. Where it's like a neutron bomb goes off.

And it kills like 99% of people, but the 1% are turned into mutants that want to eat people's skin. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, so that's basically, at least that's what they think happened. But their brains aren't the same anymore, so they don't have a good memory. Like they said, it started out as a plague, and then it quickly turned into something else. And this is how they were just people. Affluent people in this metropolis. I am legend.

Sorry, that was the name of this short story. I think it's a short story. Novel. Anyway. Novella? Novella, yeah. Is that the Will Smith movie? Yes, the Will Smith movie was also based

on that story. Nope, it's a novel. It's a full novel. Well, it's a 160-page novel. It's a full-blown novel? Yep. It was filmed in New York, I remember when they were filming it. Yeah, they were set down on Washington Square.

At the climax of the movie they blow up Washington Square Park spoiler alert no reason to read or watch that god damn it it's not the book so now you spoiled the book twice over well now I know Washington Square Park isn't going to blow up

great I kept reading the book waiting for the part where they blow up Washington Square Park like my friend Matthew blow up. Great. I kept reading the book, waiting for the part where they blow up Washington Square Park, but my friend Matthew Cavanaugh cast us in. Never happened. I want to go to the map here to give you a view of what you're seeing here.

Oh, yeah. Give it to me. Big shout out to our good buddy Dave M. I don't like a map. You don't like a map. You don't like a map? No, because it means it's coming. It's going to happen any moment.

We're going to fight stuff. This is a beautiful map, but yes, it means that we're in trouble. Sometimes a map is just there to let you know what things look like. Is this a fence? Is this a wall? Is this a wall? Yeah, so this is like, this iron fence

stretches around it, is like broken down here. The wall is behind you now, so you're near where all these people are standing, like staring in. Everybody roll a perception check. Perception. Perception.

Natural 20. On the GCP tie. Humongous start. 31 for Ethel. 31 with my natural. 26 for Atticus. You all. I mean, Aldo, what'd you get? You had 920s? Very low. very low very low all right so aldo

although seems like you got a lot going on with your perception checks lately alchemists do not get good perception alchemists generally speaking do not have very good perception anyway do you think he has bad eyesight uh yeah well yeah i think maybe his alchemist goggles are prescription goggles so yeah but they're By goggles. So, yeah. But they're still goggles, so your periphery is kind of blocked, maybe. Yeah, that's true, too. You're looking out there,

I don't see anything. And Eris and Ethel and Atticus, you look, and sure enough, in the distance, you see just, like, first you look, you don't see anything, and then just, like, this creature, like, comes up out of the ground, scurries and goes down into another hole

we'll crawl up over a headstone and then you see one that's just like chewing on some body that it's half pulled up from the ground and just eating away um the good thing is they look like medium-sized creatures, although they're large for a medium-sized creature, and they are pretty disgusting looking. Ethel's going to gather everyone. All right, let's talk tactics. Do we still want to try throwing a limb or two to draw them out here and maybe separate the fights?

We don't want to take them all at once. I was thinking, if I cut the parts up into tiny enough pieces, I can send Egg in to make a trail. Since Egg is a poppet, maybe they won't go for... Yes, it is a construct. It has no decaying flesh. I just want to interest them Ethel's gonna like lean over towards Atticus and be like I thought Angle was a doll that had a soul

but didn't move I believe it it's news to me Eris by all means send the puppet in. Mounted on a crossbow. So I break up

some of the parts into tinier pieces and I'm like, okay, listen, Egg, be very careful. Go in, just leave a little trail out to here and then come right back. Okay? Okay. What is her voice?

What does she sound like? You don't hear it. I hear it. What does it sound like? Do you hear? Okay. Oh, God. I'll be right back.

And then does it walk? Yeah. Yeah, it can move on its own. How big is this? Is this like a raggedy ant? It's tiny. It's tiny. So you're okay, and you just put it on the ground,

and your new allies watch this tiny doll start to walk towards the seven-toned one. Like, I really have only used it so far as, like, a channel to my patron to, like, do my spells. I haven't used the poppet to do anything. So this is maybe the first time you're seeing it be animate. I love this. All right. So I can picture this. So you put this little thing on the ground.

The whole time you guys were wondering, what is this thing she keeps talking to? And now it like animates this little raggedy doll. And it starts just walking into the cemetery. It gets about like 30 feet away from you like right outside of the gate making its way towards that hole

and as it gets towards that hole you all notice that one of the statues nearby turns its head. Oh no! What? As it does, it like

rips a chunk of its body out that looks like a sword and then rips a piece of its chest out that looks like a shield and it goes to attack the puppet. Oh, no! Roll for initiative.

No! Oh, man! the poppet. Oh no! Roll for initiative. No! Well! Oh man, while you roll for initiative, we'll take a quick break. This is amazing. This is awesome! Eris, what is your roll? Natural 20!

What is going on? It's this This dice I always pretty much roll well on it The GCP the pink one The first roll I ever rolled on it Right after I bought it Natural 20

Good roll That's another reason to buy glass cannon dice By Norse Boundary So what is your total? With perception, 31. 31. Ethel? I rolled a natural 2 for a 20.

Hate to see it. Aldo? I rolled a natural 14 for a 26. The old natural 14. Atticus? I rolled a 20 as well. For a

total. Dirty 20. Oh, a dirty 20. That's not the same thing. Yeah, because didn't... Oh, that's right. I'm sorry. I forgot Kate rolled a 20. Because Matthew rolled a dirty 20. Right? That's why I said as well. Dirty 20.

Well, here's what you see. One. Two. Three. Whoa. And four of these statues animate. Whoa. And as the first one animates,

three others come to life. They look like this. Oh, cool. They look awesome. Wow. Look like, how would you describe them? They seem to be wearing loincloths, and they have short spears and shields,

and they're just completely hairless, their entire body. They look like warriors. They look like if you bronzed Michael Chiklis. Yeah. You know what they look like? They look like the Oscar statue but with the shield and spear. Yeah. But they also have

kind of a Spartan vibe, right? Where it's a loincloth, bare chested, absolutely shredded, a spear and a shield oh dear a shield starring Michael Chiklis you know they don't all

look like this obviously this is just the image from the book I've embellished it to make them cooler oh that's important actually they don't all look like that like they look like individual people yeah they look like individual people interesting like the uh the catch-all for um what one of them might look like uh maybe one of them was a servant uh of one of the uh rich people in arvinton uh that was hanging out here near the cemetery and that's what one of those look like but the other ones look like real people that rip off pieces of

their body to form weapons. So the first one up here actually got the highest initiative. And so for his first action he grabs a chunk of his back off and it's a fucking longbow and he shoots it

at the nearest PC which is Atticus. So here comes the longbow. It's going to be a 33 to hit. That is... Yeah. Yep. Yep. Not a crit, though, right? No, not a crit.

Very important if it was a crit. That's going to be 19 points of piercing damage and for it's final action it it drops the longbow to the ground

and just rips a chunk of it's chest out to raise a shield in front of him and now it is Atticus's turn I can't be out to raise a shield in front of him. And now it is Atticus' turn. I can't be. Oh, I'm sorry, not Atticus, Eris' turn. So Eris,

it actually works narratively well that it's your turn because you're seeing your poppet about to be demolished, but you got the jump. The jump. I'm like furiously googling, like, how do familiars break in combat? Because I've never used it. I do have a focus spell called Phase Familiar,

which I can draw upon my patron's power to momentarily shift my familiar from its solid physical form into a methamoral version of itself, shaped of mist. And it gets a resistance 11 to all damage. But it doesn't seem like anything's hitting it. And it's also a reaction trigger

if it takes damage. Okay. Got it. So, what the hell's going on here? The stones came alive. Oh, my little poppet on the ground. So creepy. Crap.

Wasn't prepared for this. Oh, horrifying. Horrifying. Is that pretty accurate? Okay. What? Was that pretty accurate

the way I depicted this? Are you looking at roll 20? Oh, no. It actually looks really nice. Like a kid would want to play with it. Not actually scary. Yeah, that one you threw up there, Troy,

doesn't really look like an ambassador. I wouldn't say. Would we address that poppet as ambassador? Ambassador egg. Roll20 has just a bunch of dolls that all look like this and one that looks like Hitler. It's like 15 of them. They're and one that looks like Hitler. It's like 15 of them.

They all look like that and one Hitler. I don't know what to do. So I'm just going to try to buff until I figure out what these things do. I want to cast haste on Ethel. Ooh. Two actions.

I unfortunately don't have to touch you in order to give you this, but it's not eyes, I swear. You'll just be a little faster. Okay. Cast it on you. Okay. And then I cast, let's see, can I like try to, nope, can't do that. How about I'm going to Nope can't do that How about I'm gonna ask for

Guidance from the Baba Yaga Because I don't know what to do I'm gonna cast my cantrip guidance And I get a plus one Status bonus to one attack roll Perception check, saving throw Or skill check Before the duration of the spell ends,

which is the start of my next turn. So I'm hoping to use it for some sort of save, because I'm out of turns. Okay. And that's my turn. That's three actions. That's great. Ethel, when it gets to you,

let's get a little course here on 2e haste. I don't know if we've talked about this before on the show, or if we have, it's been a while. But I think it works a little differently than 1e haste. I don't know if we've talked about this before on the show, or if we have, it's been a while, but I think it works a little differently than 1e haste. And it's such a clutch fucking spell either way. Great, alright, so now it is Aldo's turn. Luckily, Aldo

also got the jump on the majority of these guys. Yeah. Aldo is, I want to do a knowledge check on these things to see, figure out anything I can figure out about them. Sure. I assume Arcana would be useful.

Yeah, Arcana is perfect. Do they have Dungeoneering anymore now or no? No, that's not a thing. It's really just religion, occultism, and Arcana and stuff like this. And nature, right. And nature.

Or society, I guess, if it's like a human-like thing. Yeah, so arcana is the catch-all. You can always have like lore, XYZ. I think occultism is specifically like aberrations and oozes and stuff. And then arcana is like magical, specifically magical like beasts and dragons. So I'm not really sure sure where these things would fall. Yeah, I think Arcana is fine for this situation. Okay, that would be 31.

Yeah, so that's a great rule to try and figure out what's going on here. These are like ceramic guardians. They're constructs, okay? So they're going to have all those construct immunities. They can't be sick and poisoned. They don't go unconscious. They just die. The key thing for you to know, with 31, I'm going to give you two important pieces of

information. One, they are weak to bludgeoning. And two, you rolled pretty high. So I'm going to tell you this. They have an attack of opportunity. Okay. Okay. Oh, that's good to know.

That's good to know. Very good to know. Joe. Wow. Joe, thanks to you. I would love to hold that back. I'm usually a living recall knowledge check for that particular ability. Save the action.

Joe will figure it out. All right, so that's one action. Okay. Aldo shouts out, smash them with blunt weapons if you can, and they're quicker than they look. Actually, I think all my bombs and stuff... Well, I don't think any of them will work well. Uh, I can try. Well, you just know that they're weak to bludgeoning.

Um, but the construct traits, you think you should still be able to do damage. You're just not going to do crazy extra damage. Right, okay. Then I'm going to throw... I'm going to throw crazy extra damage. Right, okay. Then I'm going to throw an acid flask on the one closest to me, the one directly

ahead of me. Okay, great. That one doesn't have its shield up, so it's going to be easier to hit. That's a 32 to hit. 32 to hit is a hit. Okay. And that is four points of damage,

and he will take persistent damage on his turn. Okay, persistent acid damage, right? Yeah. And with my... Is that like shouting out stuff like that is that an action now I can never remember no it's free then

I'm gonna throw a I'm gonna throw another one no no no nevermind I'm gonna throw an alchemist fire okay cock to die. That is an 18 to hit.

18's a miss. Okay. So that should still be four points of splash damage. Great. All right, so you chip away a little damage. It looks like it affected him. And then he's going to have that persistent acid damage as well. I'll have to roll a flat check at

the end of his turn. Speaking of which, it is two of these guardians' turn, and one of them is the one you attacked. Let's talk about the one that is nearest Ethel. It will draw its composite longbow in the same

manner as the first one, and shoot at Ethel. One thing I did in fact... Sorry, can I just needle you on this? They have a spear and a shield in their hands, right? Don't look at the pawns. So when they broke out, they had nothing in their hands? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

I'm saying that I'm taking an action to draw these weapons because they have different weaponry, that I'm taking an action to draw these weapons because they have different weaponry. So I'm burning an action to... Do they have a spear and a shield on them? No. Okay. Yeah, they have the weapons that I will be attacking with in this combat. The pawns aren't good for what we're doing.

You know what I mean? I'm just... No, no, that's fine. I just want to know what weapons I can see on them. You know what I mean? To know that they could change to a spear is important. Yeah, you don't see anybody with a spear, so that's why the pawns are more as an indicator,

not an actual take it as situation. However, you do see one looks like it has a longsword, and you have been attacked by a composite longbow. I said a 33 to hit you, Joe. It's actually a 31 because where it's within 30 feet, it takes a minus two because of the... Volley.

...valley property. Yeah. So it's going to be the same thing because it's within 30 feet of you, Eris. Let's see. That's going to be a 24 to hit. Eris or Ethel? I...

Sorry. You guys got to change your names. It's Ethel. 24 is a miss. 24 is a miss. 24 is a miss. All right. So then it, too, will drop its jawn and raise a shield out of its body. That's how I'm describing this.

Okay. Which one was that, Troy? This was the one directly a little bit south of you. Is that true? This was the one directly a little bit south of you. And then the one that just attacked Aldo, it will draw a sword, move towards Aldo, and swing its sword. Actually, it already had the sword drawn. So it will just move towards Aldo and swing the sword. Um, and that, oof, I don't know.

That's a 23 to hit. Uh, that is a hit. Okay, a 23 hits. Uh, it's gonna be a couple points of damage. That's 21 points of slashing damage. Oh, whoa! Uh, and then it will raise a shield. Uh,

as it's, uh, yeah, I mean, it shield as it's... Yeah, I mean, I'm just kind of like... Basically, these guys, I'm adding the flavor that they're ripping it out of its body. Like, they kind of have these at the ready. Like, do you have to draw the shield to raise it, or he comes up with the shield, basically, is what I'm saying. Well, you know what?

Well, here's another thing. Like, the guy shot me with a longbow. Like, how can he raise a shield? He pulled it out of his body. So I used an action to draw the shield. Raising a shield's a separate action. Right. I mean, if we're nickel and diamond, you do what you want.

But, like... Yeah, I'm making it harder than it needs to be. Like, all of these guys have their shields out. You know what I mean? But, like, you can't shoot your longbow with the shield. So I was just taking the action to pull the shield out of my body. I guess you could argue that that's two actions. One to pull the shield out, one to raise it.

And I just made it one action that I'm ripping it out of my body to raise it. Okay. What I will say here, then, just for the sake of keeping things moving, is it's just going to... It moves up, swings once, raises its shield. That's its turn. And then it is Ethel's turn. Well, it takes the persistent damage.

Yes. Which is how many points? Nine points of damage. Okay, and I roll a DC 15 flat check. And then the flat check. And I roll a four. Nice. I roll a DC 15 flat check. And then the flat check. And I roll a 4. Nice. I love Persistent Damage.

It's so good. It's really great. It's just simple. Roll a 15 and you get a very low chance of getting rid of that. Well, I say it's good because it's also so scary. Like, when you get it on you, it's so scary. When you see it in an ability you have, it's so exciting. Like, it is. It's really deadly. It's awesome. you, it's so scary. When you see it in an ability you have, it's so exciting.

Like, it is really deadly. It's awesome. Yeah, it's really cool. Great. Would you like to learn about haste in Pathfinder 2nd Edition? Teach me about haste! Yeah. Let me tell you about haste. Thank you, by the way, Kate, for this.

You're welcome. It's a nice gift. It's a very nice gift. Thanks, Arlie. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Yeah, so for a minute I gain the

quickened condition, but I can only use that extra action each round for strike and stride actions. So if we go, if we flip to the quickened condition in the core rulebook, which I have marked with a separate mark, page 622,

the quickened condition basically says you gain one additional extra action at the start of your turn, and then depending on where you get it from, it will tell you what you can do. And then there's a bunch of text about what happens if you have multiple Quickened and that kind of stuff. So basically I can get an extra stride or strike at the beginning of my turn. That's it. That's cool. Yeah. So I assume— turn that's it that's cool yeah um so uh sorry i'm gonna say something to maybe clarify that um

you get an extra action at the beginning of your turn meaning you get four actions at the beginning of your turn you don't have to strike or stride first like you can strike or stride at any time but you can only use that action to strike or stride it doesn't have to be the first one I think it specifically does have to be the first one yeah no I don't think so when it says you at the start of your turn

yeah because you always gain three at the start of your turn ah okay it's relevant because Quicken has its effect at the start of your turn. You don't immediately gain actions if you become Quicken during your turn. There you go.

Regardless, I don't do much besides strike or stride anyway. Don't say that. Ethel's going to stride. You're great. You've got to stop running yourself down. Don't always see yourself through the eyes of your ex-wife. It's that ex-wife of yours. She's gotten in your head.

All I do is strike and stride. That's what she would always say. That's your wife's voice talking to you, man. All you do is strike and stride. All day long. Never ask me about my day. Haste to do some chores around the house. Could you use one of those actions to clean the bathroom?

All right. Now that you're done making light of Ethel's trauma, All right. Now that you're done making light of Ethel's trauma, he is going to double slice against the dude that was slightly to his southeast. No! Yes! I'm going to do...

Oh, this is tough, since they're weakened to... Do I want to do the double slice? Weakened to bludge. Yeah, but I only have one bludgeoning weapon. He's got his shield up. Nothing else. Yeah, if you're going to take a penalty to hit, I don't know. Yeah, I'll do the double slice so I can get those.

No map. Okay. Orange is the warhammer. There's a map. I rolled two natural fours. Oh, gross. That's two natural fours. Oh, gross. That would be a 23 on the warhammer and a

21 on the hatchet. With that shield up, buddy. Bing! Bing! Bing! And it just stares at you emotionless. Okay. So, then for my third action, I'm going to attempt

Ethel as like, ugh. And then, so since that didn't work, I'm going to try to shove this guy away from me with the Warhammer. Warhammer has this? You can shove with the Warhammer. So this is going to be an athletics check against the target's Fortitude DC. Okay, let me just look at the traits on shove. It has the attack trait. Okay. I want to make sure I didn't have manipulate or something to provoke.

Alright, so you're going to shove me against my fort DC. Okay. Natural two. I'm not going to spoil it for you, but that's a fail. Yeah, I got that. And then... How am I going to help my friends

after doing nothing? I will take a five-foot step away from this guy. Okay. Five-foot step away. Give yourself some distance. We know they have AOLs. Make him come to me.

Great. Okay. Not as effective as you'd like to be. Speaking of which, Atticus, you're up. Always the worst. Ethel is... I called myself Ethel. Chief!

I don't want to have a different letter. All of our names are way too similar. I know. Eris, Ethel, Aldo, Atticus. Yeah, all starting with a vowel. Yeah. Where is Suki? Sir Julie.

Atticus is going to do an incantation. He's done a million times before, and he's going to draw one of the stones that lies at our feet and just sling it telekinetically

at the guy that's right next to Aldo. And just try to smash him with a rock. So, here we go. That is a 20 20 that's a miss and then he will move

I'm so pissed off I just can never roll a good die he's gonna move down oh man I'm just like trying to get myself out of he's gonna move down oh man I'm just like trying to get myself out of harm's way but this is bad nasty yeah he's just gonna move behind

Aldo I guess for the moment and hiding behind his lab coat stay behind me my friend I shall keep you safe right so Troy there are two additional statues Stay behind me, my friend. I shall keep you safe. Right. So, Troy, there are two additional statues that are closer to us that have not seemed to animate or break apart in any way.

They have not animated as of yet. You can't move through their spaces. So they do provide cover. Yeah, you can use them as cover. Okay. That hasn't come into effect yet. Yeah, so then he is going to put one of the statues between him and the farthest one to the south from its longbow attack. You want to walk one more down?

I feel like that would be a better coverage. One more down? Yeah, because you're still... I mean, you're down? I feel like that would be a better coverage. One more down? Yeah, because you're still... I mean, you're behind. I meant like... I was more directly behind there, I thought. But yeah, sure. Whatever you think is best.

Yeah, that's going to give you better coverage. Obviously, the body and the way is going to give you that soft cover, right? Yeah, it's a little bone. Just a little bone. A little bone. But this is going to give you the best cover against that. Although it does leave you open to these other fellas. Oh, I see what you're talking about.

You're talking about the guy to the north, and that guy who hit me before. Is that who you're talking about? Yeah, soft cover from him, or, like, legit cover from this currently unanimated surrounding. All right, he's hunkering down, looking around, and that rock just flew off past into the night, and

yeah, bad start for all of us. Bad start. Alright, well, here's what's going to happen. There's one more Guardian to go, and it will be his turn. I made this overcomplicated for myself, because I wanted to, like, add flavor into the pawns

that I had. Basically, some of them have longbows, some of them have swords and shields. This one here has a sword and a shield. Can you describe it a little bit more specifically for the audio audience? Which one? The one way, way to the south.

Got it. The one that hasn't gone yet. This one, I'm going to spend an action to just get the sword out. It already has the sealed in hand. The second action is going to be to close on the area between Atticus and Ethel. And then I'm going to swing at Atticus. I mean, I can never, ever get into a decent position.

That's a 33 to hit again. Jesus Christ! It's like move right into the perfect spot for him to hit me. It's 19 points of damage, slashing damage. But I don't have another action to raise my shield, so I will take off. But I don't have another action to raise my shield, so I will take off. I mean, Atticus, screaming in agony, is going to wake up very shortly. And these aren't even the creatures that you're after.

Top of round two. Where is Suki? Where's Wallace? Where is Suki? Where's Wallace? Guardian 4. This is the one that initially shot an arrow at Atticus and hit way, way up north, the furthest one north. Now it just has a shield. It then, first action, draws a sword.

Second action, let's check out the movement speed here. Okay. Yeah, it's going to just slide right in up to Ethel and take one strike on Ethel. Probably not a hit. Actually, definitely not a hit with a 23. That's not a hit. Okay, and now it is Eris's turn. All right, so these guys have started to close in on you.

Here we go. First of all, let me just check something really quick. Okay, got it. Is there anything around that could maybe do bludgeoning damage that is about four bulk or less in size. Roll a d100. What about the grumbled

iron fence? That's pretty sharp. Not if you hit it with the flat side. That's true. A seven. Joe reached for his rule book, which also could do bludgeoning damage. Oh, you didn't tell me what, what, what.

It was 51 or higher. It was going to be a yes. You don't see anything particularly bludgeoning lying about. Everything's very sharp. Nothing bludgeoning. Not even like the crumbling gravestones. Nothing bludgeoning around. Your mistake, Kate, was to agree to the roll.

I know. After I rolled it and said seven, I was like, wait a second. I'd just like you to roll dice, but you guys are right. I'm sure there's chunks of stone around that could count as bludgeoning weapons. There's a great club lying about three feet away from you. There's a hot moon. Which of these, again, don't have their shields up? The one next to Ethel and...

The one that's right next to Aldo does. The one that just closed on Ethel does not. And the one... Yeah, the only ones that do is the one that's right next to Aldo and the one that's furthest back, closest to the poppet. So the one next to Atticus also doesn't have. Correct. Okay.

to the poppin. So the one next to Atticus also doesn't have. Correct. Okay. So I want, like, some sort of, like, broken statue or, like, giant rock tombstone

that's four bulk. It's just gonna grow legs and then slowly, well, not slowly, because it can't grow that slow, but it stands up on its own and then it just, like, hurls itself

at the statue that just attacked Atticus basically. Wow. So a broken piece of a statue grows legs and jumps directly at the one near attacking Atticus?

Yeah, it like throws itself at it and does it just do straight up damage or does it have to attack it no I have to attack it with spell attack roll I'm spending two actions casting the spell so you're able to attack

I make a melee spell attack roll against the creature okay so great so you should have a spell attack bonus that's probably pretty decent oh yeah well that's a six so that's a 32 the creature. Okay, so great. You should have a spell attack bonus. That's probably pretty decent. Oh, yeah. Well, that's a six. So that's a 32.

That is a hit. Right? It's your DC is your bonus. Or is it the occultism? No, no. You should have a spell attack bonus. You have a spell attack bonus. Yeah. What is that? My class DC that's like like, right above it?

Yeah, no, there should be something that says spell attack bonus. Spells. Oh, plus 16. That sounds right. It says it's at plus 16. Okay, so that sounds more correct. So that's a 22, not a 32. 22 is a miss.

Damn it! Why can't I just lie? That chunk of body that grew legs hurled itself at the statue of mist. So that's one focus point, two actions wasted.

So I'm gonna use my last action to cast shield on myself because one point of AC matters here. Sure does. It's a four on four fight. With Suki! It is Aldo's

turn. Alright. Aldo is going to take a step backwards, stand next to his good friend Eris, and he is going to throw another Alchemist's Fire at the feet of the one that he hit before that is taking the persistent acid damage. Yes.

That is a 23 to hit. Just missed it. It actually has its shield up, so it missed it. That is a 23 to hit. Just misses. Actually, it has its shield up, so it misses. Okay. Four points of splash damage. Okay. And another one. Oh, that is a much better roll.

That is a 29. That is a 29. 29 is a hit. It's past the shield. Beautiful. Awesome. Beautiful. Man, these things suck. I know. I don't care for it. Okay, so that's

14 points of damage. So this is interesting. 14 points of damage. All right, so this is interesting. So 14 points of damage, and the shield has a certain amount of hardness. So it takes, it and the shield take the remaining damage. So you see the shield start to crumble. It hasn't reached the break threshold yet, so it's still a viable shield, but there's not much left to it.

Both the guardian and the shield take the remaining damage. Okay. And he also is on fire. Alright, so he's on fire and acid, so he'll take two kinds of persistent damage? Yes, I believe so. Okay. Great.

Is that it, or do you have another action? That was it. I stepped back, and then I threw two bombs. Right. Okay. The guardian that is way in the back, nearest the poppet. What does he have? He has a shield up. He will draw a sword,

and... So... And, uh... So, okay. What? What? Nothing. Go ahead. What? Say it! By all means.

No, what? You don't want him to draw a sword? No, no, it's all good. I want to see where he's moving. You're counting a lot of movement. I don't understand why he'd need to move that much. Curious. Yeah, I was trying to close in on everybody else.

He's actually going to go over and flank Ethel. Oh, no. She'll give you eyes. She'll give you eyes. Open your eyes. Open your eyes. So you are flanked. You're flat-footed.

And he's going to attack you with the sword. Oh, boy. All right, that's probably going to be a hit. That's a 33 against your flat-footed. and he's going to attack you with the sword. Oh, boy. All right, that's probably going to be a hit. That's a 33 against your flat-footed. That's good. Okay. Oh, man. Oh, good damage.

20 points of slashing damage. Oh. And then third action, raise the shield. All right. And then it is... It's so funny. I'm like, I've got so much going on, I'm like not selling this, but I'm really excited about these guys. Um, it is Guardian 3's turn.

Which one is 3? Okay, it's the one up top. Uh, he'll have to spend an action now to action now to close on Aldo and Eris. And then second action will be to swing a sword at Eris. And misses, I'm assuming with a 21.

Miss. Nice. And you are lucky for missing. Oh, how dare you. How dare you! Third action. Raises the shield, and now will take persistent damage. We look to make sure he takes both persistent. One doesn't.

I know that persistent damage of the same type does not stack. Right. persistent damage of the same type does not stack. I believe if it's two different types of damage, then they should both be in effect. Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah, okay. It's two points of fire damage

just consistently. You don't roll for that. And eight points of acid. Alright, and then I roll two DC 15 flat checks. Alright, so the first one will be for the acid. 16. Alright, so no longer gets the acid, and then the fire, natural

one. So he's still on fire, but he's not on acid. He quit it a long time ago. The bells are on acid. That's all it takes. And now it's Ethel's turn. Ethel, you are surrounded. You are flanked.

And then there's another one that hopefully is going to focus on Atticus, but you don't know. And remind me, of the three that are surrounding me, which does not have their shield up? I spilled water on my mouse, so I can't tell you. I'm sorry. Give me an hour and a half. Did you just move or did I? No, I didn't do it. Alright, the one that's nearest Atticus

doesn't have a shield up. Ethel has decided that because these things are constructs and because basically he said it's way more advantageous to just wail on them with the hammer and deal bludgeoning damage and try to get a crit. Are you trying to say that it's hammer time? I'm trying to say,

Troy, that it's hammer time. Uh-oh. Break it down. First attack. Okay. 35. 35 to hit. Which one are you attacking? No, I'm sorry. I'm wrong. There's an extra plus 2 on that. 37 to hit. Which one are you attacking? No, I'm sorry. I'm wrong. There's an extra plus two on that.

37 to hit. Oh, nice. Which one were you swinging at? The one with no shield. That is a critical hit. Yes! Dude, double that! Oh, do the weaknesses double?

Do the weaknesses double? I don't believe so. Every time you take damage, you just add that. Yeah, just each instance of damage, you take the extra damage. Oh, max damage. Okay. Wow. That is going to be 46 points.

Oh, yes. 46? With a single swing? My Warhammer is 2d8 plus 7. I rolled two 8s. Oh, amazing. Wow. Wow.

And because he's weak to bludgeoning, he takes even more. So just a monster. She's so mad. Chunks of this guardian fly everywhere, like spraying dust into Atticus's face. Okay, I'll take my second swing on him as well. Wow. Okay, that'll be

24 to hit. 24 hits. Nice. Amazing. Amazing! What a turn! What a turn! And now the weakness will tick again, right? It's another source of damage. So this is 20 points of damage. That's great.

That's probably 30. It's probably like 5 or 10 more points of damage with all the abilities. Dude. I'm a little worried by how many HP these guys have. If you didn't take a guy down with that, like, we're not finishing this in the next two and a half hours. Like, that's ridiculous. We're not even at the real fight yet. Yeah, exactly.

A warm-up fight. Well, that's the hard thing, is you hopefully assume that the womp fight is the fight. That's what you need. But if they weaken you too much, this is the last gift. This is really jerky. All right, third attack.

It's not like you can rest after this fight. They're right there. Yeah. Okay, that's almost certainly going to miss. Yeah, that'll be a 16. 16. It's a fumble. Is it? No, it's just

a miss. Okay. And then with my final action. That's right, because you're still hasted. I'm still hasted. I feel like I now try this strategy every dream escapade, but I'm going to do it again. Ethel is going to just run into the cemetery and incur from all three of these golems

and just go after the red-footed dudes. Okay. It's a bold strategy, Cotton. We'll see if it pays off. Are you Leroy Jenkins-ing this battle right now? No, I'm going my own. You guys hold down the golems. I'm going to go get myself a red webfoot.

Well, I appreciate that, Matthew. You just gave me a free pass to wake up next round. Because it's over. Well, on the plus side, you should be able to move without incurring an attack of opportunity. Is that... Because it won't provoke twice. Is that as far as you can move? Assuming you live after these three attacks?

Haste does not increase my speed, so I still only have 20 feet of movement. Three sword attacks. First one. This better not crit. Natural one. Okay. Humungo. Natural one. Huge. Humungo. Is that a fanfumboni?

That's a fanfumboni. Dude, I believe that's a fanfumboni. If you'd like. Sure, Matthew. Jupiter, Florida. Such a weirdo. I'm going to go for cities that are named after planets. Good. All right, we have one from Patrick in Aiken, South Carolina.

What's a john? As you attack, someone yells, hit him in the jawn! But you're from a civilized city and don't know what that means. Your attack misses, and your target gets a free attack of opportunity, even if they don't have the required feat, taking advantage of your moment of confusion. Do I still get that?

It's my turn. Sure. You get an attack of opportunity, this is your attack of opportunity. It's free. It's a free attack of opportunity, and you don't have to have the requisite feat. Thank you, Patrick. I attack over two.

Do I have to take the multiple attack penalty? No, not for reaction. Reaction is your full attack bonus. Okay. That will be a 31 to hit. That is a hit, and that is with your warhammer yet again. This is with the one to the north here, so not the one that you were going after. Alright, not a ton

of damage. 11 points of damage. But it's weak, so it takes a big chunk and misses. This is fucking nonsense. I got three attacks and I roll a natural. Alright, second attack. This is going to be the one that attacks and I roll a natural. All right, second attack. This is going to be the one that was directly south of you. Probably a miss with a 21.

That misses. This is fucking crazy. This is great. All right, final guide. This is the one that you beat the shit out of. And he's mad. That's a 27 to hit. That hits exactly.

Man, that could have gone a lot worse. And it's almost minimum damage it's 11 points of slashing damage and you ran 5, 10, 15, 20 feet yep screaming

at the top of his lungs and you see these creatures in the distance and actually the din of this fight has caused them to start to approach and look and see what you're doing. They're stopping feeding, and when you run in, one of them raises its head and goes, Oh! And several of them just like appear out of mounds looking at you

and I'll go ahead and show you what they look like there's one that's nearest you they look like fucking tokens this Troy one more time They look like fucking 16 tokens. This.

Troy, one more time. Like this. It's like a little pig spider. Oh, it is a pig spider. Pig spider, yeah. Look at him. He's got little red shoes on. It's like a fruit bat spider.

On the plus side, all of its feet are the red web feet, and it's got eight of them, right? Yeah. Yeah. I got good news and I got bad news. What's the good news? What do you want first? You want the good news?

Yeah. The good news is you hear from behind you someone come running up to the fight. I have a feeling I know who it is. And the person is Suki. All right. Thank God. What's the bad news?

As you look ahead and see that first one emerge, you see five more. So ridiculous. It is five more. So ridiculous. It is an unwinnable fight. And it happens next week. It happens next week! The last gift! Why are all terrifying things so cute?

They are cute. It's just a pig spider! Oh, shoes! Oh, red shoes! the pig spider oh shoes oh shoes thanks for listening to the glass cannon network

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