The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 78 – Until We Meat Again

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

Glass Cannon Live! makes its first stop to Asheville, NC, for a meat wall filled night of innuendo and mortal combat!  Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Matthew Capodicasa, Sydney Amanuel, and Kate Stamas as they tour the country playing the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Pathfinder Adventure Path. For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com and for exclusive content and benefits, subscribe today at patreon.com/glasscannon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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We can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. You are listening to the Glass Cannon Network, the premier source for role-playing game entertainment. Thank you. Thank you. Man, you guys are on it Wow I probably don't have to ask

But how are we doing Asheville? I think that's the loudest one I've ever heard It physically hurt That was quite loud It took six other cities falling through. But Glass Cannon Live has finally made it to North Kakalaka. North Kakalaka. We did it.

We did it. Seven shows actually fell through. Seven shows, actually, felt rich. I tend to open these shows just by being mean. Mean to them. That's also the middle and end of the show, usually. And then before and after as well. Right. Kind of the whole, once I get on the plane until I get home.

Before the plane. Yeah, the emails before the flight. That's true. I do send some texts on the plane until I get home. Before, before the plane. Yeah, the emails before the flight. I do send some texts on the way to the airport. And on the plane, actually. And on the plane, too. On the plane.

Yeah, there were a lot of those. You should delete those. That then carries over to making fun of every little hayseed town

and all the local rube culture. Now, I can make fun of the south all day. That's easy. That's too easy. Problem is, if I have a couple more burial IPAs, I may say something that I

regret in a city where you can carry a gun and do a Taco Bell. Somebody said yee-haw to the comment. I'm alarmed. Can you carry weapons into this establishment? I was looking for a metal detector and I didn't see one. I didn't see any sign that said no guns. All of this is to say Asheville, North Carolina is pretty fucking cool.

Yeah! Yes, it is. Might be my favorite city in America. Full of my favorite, favorite people. Just real salt of the earth. College educated folk. This place does rule though. Since 10 a.m. I've been having amazing coffee, outrageous beer,

out of this world barbecue. My only regret is having to do this show. Because I could just hang out more in Asheville. If I had a wireless mic, I would do the show from the bar and just let them... We should get a wireless mic. Does that mean we don't have to be in the same room as you for the two hours we're back in the green room? There's no reason to be rude, Matthew. You're better than that.

You're right. Good observation, Troy. I went to a local coffee roastery this morning called High Five Coffee. You guys know High Five Coffee? And I ran into a couple members of the niche. Cody and his wife. Cody, are you here? Wow.

Cody met you in person and decided to not come to the show. What did you say in that interaction? Well, he never said his wife's name. I think he was like, this is my child bearer or something. Not sure. But they did have a four-month-old baby. Did the baby make it to the show? Yes!

There's a fucking baby at this show? Guys! Shh! Get that baby a shot, huh? The baby's sleeping. Hey, guys, guys, guys, baby's napping. Let's just... Keep it down. Let's do a low...

Let's do a couple room temperature slippery nipples for that baby. Put him right to sleep with a couple slippery nipples. Kind of want a slippery nipple. No shots! As we continue to make the Glass Cannon Network a lifestyle brand that occasionally plays role-playing games, I heard...

I heard that there's a party house here this weekend. Is that true? And you all just traveled here to party with the niche. No! What's a party house? Okay, that's so sad. You don't know.

Shut the fuck up, Sidney. You'll find out at 1 a.m. because we're going. Matthew immediately looked over and was like, I'm not coming. It's no offense. I just have to go to sleep.

It's my only chance. It's my only chance. He's the only one who gets more sleep on the road. I mentioned this during the St. Paul show, which according to the chants of Pickle Joe,

it seems like you all all listened to. I guess everybody's caught up. I guess everybody's caught up. That's how we do. I mentioned that I was missing the Celtics game. I'm missing it again tonight.

And the same rules apply. If you ruin it for me, I will never come back to your one-horse town. And I will end the show early, or leave the VIP, so it's your funeral. You can keep laughing

while I look at my notes. Shut up! I don't want your pity. I got a random bant topic for this evening. And it's one of those ones that's going to sound simple until you really think about it. These are like turning into riddles.

What is this? Would you rather be a ninja or a samurai? And why? Was that a ninja move? That was a total ninja move So I see you're going ninja I'm going ninja Because you would look foolish As a samurai in Times Square

But a ninja? You could be a ninja anywhere Matthew, what would you be? Square. But a ninja? You could be a ninja anywhere. Matthew, what would you be? A samurai or a ninja? I have a lot of problems with this question. I knew you would. I don't think I'm qualified

to be either. That wasn't the question. On account of my not being Japanese. You don't have to. There are plenty of non-Japanese samurai. Right.

Two that I can think of. Steven Seagal. Such as? And that's just off the top of my head. That's just off the top of my head. Steven Seagal. John Adams, who was not the American president, John Adams, but the John Adams that the book Shogun was based on.

Chuck Norris. Was English. He's more of a Niger. There was a Yabe, I think, was a Nigerian samurai back in the Tokugawa Shogunate. You know what, Skid? He ruined the question.

We'll ask somebody else. Joe, would you rather, would you take my light question and make it fun? I will. Ninja or samurai? I will. This is a really hard question.

No, it's not. That's what I'm saying, dude. You'll have your turn, ninja. They're both incredibly cool, but I think that I have to go samurai. Okay. I think I have to go samurai because of the code. I believe in living by a code, and I believe in defending something. What's your code now?

Ninja just, they're ruthless assassins. Yeah. They don't have loyalty to anyone they're like Sydney what? I didn't want to say it huh? which way would you go?

this might surprise you Joe I was also going to say Samurai because I really like the anime Samurai Champloo so that's a good anime and also I googled who's better and you got an answer

the samurai were considerably more powerful in terms of physical fighting and political influence as that is their whole career ninjas are more suited for espionage. So it's not really an answer because they're different. They're completely different.

What are you going to do as a samurai when a poison dark hits you in the fucking neck? That was really great for audio, by the way. Look at that. Two samurai. Two dope samurai. That was actually a really good answer. Wait, I need to go back.

Joey, you want to live by code. What's your code now? Yeah, what's your code now? What's my code now? List all three things that are in your code. The way of the cheese. If you're such a fan of codes, list all of them. Go.

Go. Name every code. Give us your three main tenets of your code. Code number one. Three main tenets of your code. Code number one. My three main tenets. Try to keep this group of lunatics together so that I can make money off of you. That's a really tough one. That's a day in and day out struggle.

So what I got was that right away. Politics, booze, and capitalism. Yeah, giving up the boozeze that would be kind of tough but you don't give it up entirely you just get it you know when when your lord says so which is

wait can Samurai not drink? not not the way you do now I'm out I'm gonna be a ninja we got we got one one

one Ronin I'm a Ronin Ronin that has now become a ninja. She's a ninja because she wants to be able to have wine every day. You don't understand, my lord. I need to bar up.

A ninja, a samurai, a weird undecided Kate. Ninja. Oh, duh. Is it just because you like wearing black? Yeah. And then also, I mean, for every reason that Joe said he wanted to be a samurai, it's just like, bleh. Like, yeah.

You know? Yeah. Samurai games are cool. Samurai anime is cool. But if I had to choose, I'd be a ninja. Because Kate doesn't believe in defending anything. I live by my own code, Joe, not somebody else's. Oh!

Wow. Wow. Wow. We have been spending too much time together. That green room was really small. That ninja has claws. Skid? I don't know. This could go either way.

You know, when I, back in 1999, I was, this is a true story, the movie Ghost Dog played at the art movie theater that I was working at, and I saw it about 17 times. And my friend Eric Ziegler, who came to the Boulder show,

he printed out a copy of the Hagakure, the way of the samurai for me, and I read the entire thing. It really resonated with me. I would venture to say that I actually am a samurai. Whoa! And I will continue to be one. All right. And you, Troy?

Troy. I think I would choose ninja. How dare you? There's a baby in the audience. It's only because I don't want to walk around town dressed as a samurai. What I didn't tell you is this is modern day. You'd have to go about your current life as your choice. I'd have to get in my car with two swords on the belt.

It would be really tough. So I chose ninja. Is that the twist of the question? Because I forgot you said there was a twist and that was it. That was the belt. It would be really tough. So I chose ninja. Is that the twist of the question? Because I forgot you said there was a twist and that was it. That was the twist. You need to go to work dressed as what you chose. Matthew can remain himself.

Well, I work from home, so... That's unfortunate. Yeah, I did. I already do that. We do this for a living. We can show up with a couple of swords and do this. It's true. Yeah, like no one would bat an eye.

They'd be like, that's normal. Especially the TSA. True. No, no, it's for my job. I'm a samurai. And the TSA would be like, okay. Our bags get pulled for VIP passes and dice. I'm sure they'd let the swords go.

My bag got pulled for Boulder Because of my Pathfinder book Wow He was like skimming through it Like there was something Hidden in there He's like what's this And I'm like explaining What's this suspiciously heavy book

Yeah What do you read it or something No sir I can't read No sir I can't There's a lot of numbers in here What is this Formulas for bombs Oh wait a minute Alchemists Yes they are I'm sorry, I can't. There's a lot of numbers in here. What is this, formulas for bombs?

Oh, wait a minute, alchemists. Yes, they are. I bet he worked for Watsi. Really wasn't that controversial. Seems like they all know the show, but I'm still going to take it to the recap. Joe, that's when you play music, Joe. You're just sitting there. Oh, right, right, right.

Are we doing that tonight? We already lost this. Take it to the cap. Young lady. Was anybody at the St. Paul show? Wow. Not that far. You could have kiddied, like, woo. Well, Party House, we're not coming down. You could have pity, like,

woo! Well, Party House, we're not coming down. You know, we were all there. We were all there. I was going to let you tell the recap. If I lived here, I'd never leave either. I'll make this quick. We are fast approaching the end of book three of a six book adventure.

Book one introduced us to our heroes when they were running around in asylum with no memory of their past. Book two saw them search for the man who put them there, the one that had something to do with their lost memories. And book three has seen our heroes following this man south while also taking mind excursions to the dimension of dreams to try and find out more about what this dude is up to. Because this man, you see, a local count named Hazerton Lowles IV is conducting some sort of clandestine research.

And part of his research has him projecting his consciousness into the dreamlands, whereby he met an enigmatic figure known only as the Mad Poet. The Mad Poet imparted such powerful, welcome back, knowledge to him. Such powerful knowledge to Lowes that a piece of Low Laos consciousness split off and remained behind in the dreamlands and became sentient. This piece refers to himself as the Yellow King. Our heroes met this Yellow King who shares some but not all of Laos' memories,

and the Yellow King sent them to retrieve items to be used as gifts so that they could approach the Mad King and find out what? The Mad King? The Mad Poet and find out what Lyle's is up to. So our heroes, they gathered all the gifts. They returned to the Yellow King only to find that he was abducted and taken to the Dreamland's moon. find that he was abducted and taken to the dreamland's moon so they travel to the moon in an attempt to break him out of a lunar prison this prison is a dangerous place made all the more

lethal because it's in the midst of a civil war between two creatures known as moon beasts these gross frog pink fat, fat, gross things that are vying for control of the prison. Two nights ago in St. Paul, you dummies finally found the Yellow King locked away in solitary confinement. You broke him out, and he told you that a denizen of Leng named Weyrali put him there, and that she's after all of you as well after you failed to kill her

when apparently you already faced her below Iris Hill. We killed her. Well, that's the thing about denizens of Lang. They don't really die. They reform on their home plateau. So you have the king and you're like, we gotta get the fuck out of here.

But Suki, played by Sidney, fearing and perhaps hoping that her long-lost lover was somewhere in this building, turned into a housefly and flew up to the next level, where two twin moon hags

lie in wait, ready to wipe you out. No regrets. To make matters worse, you freed another woman. We all started early today. To make matters worse, you freed another woman, a big game hunter named Calveta Bricks, who made it seem like there are beings in this dimension

that are powerful enough to kill you in real life rather than just having you die in your dreams and wake up on the material plane. As one of the moon hags unleashed some sort of psychic blast, we ended last episode cutting back to the boat where all of you are lying in this unconscious, inception-like state. lying in this unconscious inception-like state. And we see Atticus, as he's hit by this blast, his body twitch a little and blood trickle

out of his nose. Yeah. This is some serious shit. That's where we pick it up today. How much damage did you just take, O'Brien? I believe it was 27, yeah, 27 points of damage. Yikes. On a, yeah.

Mmm. Do we have the map up? Yeah. Take it to the map. Yep. Let's take a quick look at Suki, the fly. I forgot. That's what a quick look at Suki, the fly. I forgot. That's what I totally look like.

Please stop doing that. It was funny because your shadow was tastefully obscuring Jeff Goldblum's nether regions. Check out Jeff's Goldblum. You asked what code I live by? U.S. copyright law. Oh, you took it down. Stop putting that shit up on our YouTube video. Sitting here staring at Jeff's Goldblum and you took it down.

Did you say Jeff's Goldblum? You heard me. This is Jeff's Goldblum. Stop! Check out the piece on Goldblum. Your head does perfectly cover his Goldblum. It's not copyright if you say Jeff's Goldblum. That's a new man.

That's somebody different. That's a thing you're referring to. Jeff's Goldblum. Jeff's Goldblum. That's a new man. That's somebody different. That's a thing you're referring to. Jeff's Goldblum. It has... I think it has the hard condition. And frankly, so do I. It doesn't make any sense. I'm a little fly.

No, it should be hardness. That's what doesn't make any sense. I'm a little fly. No, it should be hardness. That's what doesn't make sense. Oh, you're right. What is the hardness of Jeff's gold bloom? Let's get into it. Yeah, you fucked that one, Trevor. All right. It was just sitting there waiting for you to take it.

Quiet, ninjas. You had so much time backstage to think about this. This stuff is live. You never want to know what's going to happen. That thing moved up. You know these things are quickened in the light of the moon. You know they're a little faster,

a little harder to hit. Like a little boost. Do me a favor. Stop saying that. Start saying they're a little faster on the moon. Yeah. Because they are not in the light of the moon. We're in a room.

They're close enough. They're moon hags. They they are not in the light of the moon! We're in a room. They're close enough. They're moon hags. They're not swamp hags. Did you call Joe a swamp hag? You heard me. That's what I implied. They're not some swamp hag. Some swamp hag. Aldo, it is your turn. You are

way back. Are you gonna fix this, Aldo? Way back on those steps. Our savior. What do you do? Oh, okay. Aldo is going to gingerly step over Pepsi, the cobra.

It's a ball python. Whatever. It's different. Move further in. He's going to stand a little bit to the side of Ethel. And he's going to shout his signature catchphrase, Get ready for a big surprise! That's the foremost moon hag.

And he's going to throw a bottle of lightning at her. Yeah, baby! Nice. Okay, that is a 26 to hit. The audience knows that is a miss. I'm having a real good

time with this character. Okay, so that is a miss. So that entity will take five points of electrical splash damage. Okay. And with my final action, I'm just going to throw another one. I'm going to go for broke and see if I can hit this thing. Okay. Show me what you got.

Exact same roll. Natural eight, another miss, so that is another five points of splash damage. Ten points of damage is more damage than Sidney's ever done. It's true. It's a good point. Categorically untrue.

I'm trying to make Skid feel better. I do. If you feel bad, it worked. Yeah. It is the other moon hag's turn. She's quickened in the light of the moon. So she moves. Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-be-doop.

Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-be-doop. Right up into Ethel's bidness. Uh-oh. Ooh. I-oh. Ooh. I'm excited. That was only one action because, well, it was two actions, but she gets four. So now, shut up.

She gets an extra stride or strike. She is going to say something to you, Ethel, something horrible you, Ethel Something horrible, like She'll say something like Try as you might You will never feel the warmth of a family again Oh And I need you to roll a will save.

Was that a spell? Don't worry about it. Is she just being mean? It was quite the read. That's what she said. Is this a fear effect? Um, no. Is that true?

It does not have the fear trait. 26. Oh, God. What a shame. This apocalyptic, dreadful prediction shatters your perception of reality. How does she know about my family? You are stupefied, too.

Oh, no. Oh. Well, that's not that bad for Ethel. He's already kind of stupefied, too. Oh, no. Oh. Well, that's not that bad for Ethel. He's already kind of stupefied all the time. He's already, yeah. What the hell? She just shattered my perception of reality. I know, but it wasn't that solid to begin with.

It was bound to happen. She then goes to claw you and rolls a 35. That hits. And that 35 does 24 points of slashing damage. Ha! No family for you! 24 points of damage. 20 points of damage, right?

Now it's time for the damage powerhouse that is Suki the fly. Don't worry. This house fly will save us. I am. All right. Suki is going to dismiss being a fly. She's going to dismiss her pest form. Useless.

First action. First action. Thank you. And then she... Get it! God! She is going to then move... I'm so small.

She's going to move south toward the hag. I hope the hag... And you know what? No, I'm not. I'm going to move south toward the hag. I hope the hag... And you know what? No, I'm not. I'm going to move one away in case they have an opportunity attack. And what? That's what they call it. It would have been too late already if they had an opportunity attack.

And you're flying to your death. What? It's a asshole. It makes a class of it. Joe, make sure you whisper off mic during this live show. He's saying bad things about you, Troy. No, I can avoid it. I can move in a way that avoids its opportunity

attack. They don't have reach, do they? Stop calling it opportunity attacks. Sorry. It's weird. Anyway, fine. I'll just be, I'll make it so that she's flat-footed. I'm going to move to the southernmost tag that just attacked Ethel. Okay. And I'm going to, I don't have any actions. I'm gonna cast

guidance on who's gonna go next? I'll cast on Ethel. Guidance on Ethel. Okay. I yell to Ethel, you're not stupid! No matter what you look like right now!

That'll cheer him up. It's empowering. It's meant to be empowering. That's my turn. With friends like these. Can you make me normal sized on the map, Troy? I'm trying to find a pawn for you, and I can't find it. Okay.

So I was stalling. I'll figure it out. But I will find one. In the meantime, and I can't find it. Okay. So I was stalling. I'll figure it out. But I will find one. In the meantime, it is Ethel's turn. I want to sort of lift the curtain here. While we were doing sound check, Joe and Matthew said that they had their idea for the perfect show. Do you want to say what that idea is?

I mean, it's not going to happen, so do you want to let all these people down? Yep. I mean, tell me if you disagree, but the perfect show would be I roll a natural 20 with the Vorpal Scimitar right here. Yes! They agree.

And now it's never going to happen because we put it out into the universe. I don't know why. Thanks, Troy. That's why he did it. He cursed us. He cursed us.

I'm trying to see the curse of truth. I think you'll definitely roll a natural 20. Stop saying it! No, no. You he did it. He cursed us. He cursed us. I'm trying to see the curse of truth. I think you'll definitely roll a natural 20. Stop saying it. No, no. You're ruining it. Not even God himself

could make him roll a natural 20 right now. What was really sad after that is I was just, you know, idly rolling dice and I rolled a natural 20 right then.

So it will never happen. Should never do that. All right. The purple is the cuckoo. All right. Double slice. Double slice. Come on. Come on, guys.

Come on! Okay, not a natural 20. Okay. But a natural 16 on the scimitar. Not too shab. So that'll be a 35. Okay. And that'll be a 31 with the warhammer.

That's two hits. Yeah! Yeah, dude. Good start. All right, Warhammer first. That'll be 13 points of damage. I want to be your Warhammer. Why don't you call Matthew's name?

All right. And that will be 15 points of damage with the scimitar. Nice! Good start, Ethel. And for my third action, I'm going to do a little flensing strike on you. Yeah, flens! Yes! Big flensing strike crap here today.

I never took Asheville for flensing strike crap. All right, so you become flat-footed. Okay. Your resistance to any physical damage types are reduced by five. Sweet, she doesn't have any. And you're going to take some persistent bleed damage. Yeah.

Nice. It is that time of the moon. So it's two D... I'm sorry. Sorry about that. It's live, guys. Don't let him blame the liquor, either. It's 2DA bleed.

2DA bleed. Wow, oh my god, that's awesome. I'm taking the end of my turn. Damn. That is the end of my turn. Must not make more jokes. They're so funny. I'll text them to Joe.

Must say this joke. Hold it in, bud. We have women fans. Can't do it. You have women friends. Do you know how I'm married to a woman? Friends? But she would laugh.

My wife is a woman. I'm so torn. Do you know how hard it is to keep a joke in? Well, you do have the hardness condition right now. It's true. Bottlecap, bottlecap. And you can see it from there.

It is Eris's turn. She's flat-footed and bleeding. Eris! Yep. No, I'm not. Come on, ninja. I'm not flat-footed and bleeding. The enemy is flat-footed. Oh, sweet. I don't care about her. What's gonna

happen is a meatball is coming up. Yeah! Meatball! gonna happen is a meat wall is coming up i mean i guess it could be a meat wall that's beefy and covered in eyes because that's what's gonna come up right in front of that moon hag that's far away from us. Between the corner of the wall and the corner of whatever the heck is right there. The steam pipes.

The scream pipes. Wait, what do I do? 20 foot tall, 3 foot wide wall that extends from the corner to the right of the moon hag far away from us. I found a local photo that I think would be appropriate

for the meat wall. That is a Carolina pulled pork sandwich. So does it extend the full... Right there, right there. That's good. And then move over one, yes. It's 20 feet long. No, you fool. Over's good. And then move over one, yes. So it's 20 feet long. No, you fool.

Over one. You need a wider sandwich, Meatwad. Oh, like that? Oh my God! It was three feet wide. I'm covered in pain. Doesn't that look delicious? Carolina's own Meatwad.

All right, so that's right. For what it's worth, it's 20 feet wide. So it literally goes from the corner... Oh, it's 20 feet wide now? Yeah, to the corner of the pipes. Well, but Suki's there. No, long, long. Long.

Sorry, three feet wide, 20 feet long. Ah, okay, so you want it to go here, maybe? Yes. Okay, here for our audio listeners. Just like that. Nice. Right here. Nice.

Yes, air roots. It's right in front of the other moon hag. It's covered in eyeballs, so I can see what the fuck she's doing. All right, so it's a pulled pork sandwich full of eyes that is blocking off the room so that the moon hag will now have to go all the way around or blast through the bun. And because I'm scared of these things and the other ones are already flanked, I'm going to take a little sidestep back behind this wall here for some cover in case that thing happens again. Nice.

Nice. Nice. All right. Good. Good turn. Thank you. Now for a bad turn. Joe?

Oh, man. Okay. Atticus, seeing the beef wall come up, is going to come out. Atticus is going to move to the eastern wall, put his back up against it, and look back across at this moon hag that is bleeding. And he is, he is going to cast,

oh, he begins summoning this dark energy. It's so sad how dark he's gone in an attempt to earn the respect of what he thought were his friends. This blackness forms in front of him and spews out forth in a line at this moon hag. Why are we not friends? Why are we not friends?

Wait, I'm confused. His old friends, like his mean, noble, aristocratic friends. Oh, oh. Friends, his quote-unquote friends. And he will cast Enervation at the moon hag. Ah, nice. Nice. So I'd say Fortitude save.

Little Fort save? Little Fort save? Little Fort save. Here we go. Neon green. Ooh, not a good roll. That is going to be a 24. Oh! Oh!

I think he has the hard position now. You know what, Troy? You're a good guy. Why? Is that a critical fail? No, that's just a fail, but failure is huge with Innervation. First of all, you are drained one. Oh, nice.

And you now have 4d8 persistent negative damage. Oh, man. and you now have 4d8 persistent negative damage. Oh, man! Plus, does that stack with the bleed? Yes. So 68 persistent damage per round. Wow. Yes.

Wow. All right, and then the drain condition, let's remind our listeners. Take a status penalty equal to your drain value on constitution-based checks, such as fort saves. Lose hit points equal to your level times the drain value. And your max hit points go down as well. That is juicy. Yeah, so you immediately lose your level times one right now,

and that lowered your max if you ever heal. And then, yeah, persistent 48 each round. Wow. Beef indeed. Beef! Beef! Okay. We're getting to the end of the round here.

The king in yellow is like, Oh, I don't know what to do. Just stay back. Just stay back. And he goes, Your friend, the woman, she's leaving. Oh, come on. Hey, hey, get back here. Calveta Bricks just hightails it down the stairs.

Oh, come on. If she takes our dinosaur, I'm going to be so mad. Oh, my God. She's going to take Sybil. Oh, shit. Sybil's to take Sybil. Oh shit. Sybil's just about finished with her lasagna. She's going to take Sybil. No, no, it was an impossible lasagna,

so it was quite large. Sorry, you're right. You're going to get stranded on the moon. Top of round two. Speaking of moons, it's the moon hag's turn. She's like, ah, I am bleeding and enervated.

She steps. It's the moon hag's turn. She's like, ah, I am bleeding and enervated. Ah! She steps towards the meat wall. I don't think it's her turn. I think it's the other one's turn, right? Oh, it is the other one's turn. Shut up. The other one is like, ah, that sandwich looks delicious. I must go save my sister.

10, 15, 20, 25. 10, 15, 20, 25. Oh, God, it takes so long. 20, 25. So there's three actions. She only has one left. Nice. Because she is quickened.

Oh. And now Suki's flanked. So you're flat-footed, and I'm going to claw you. Okay. Not a good roll. 31. Not a good roll? Yeah.

You're such a jerk. It is such a joke. There are several numbers I could have rolled that are higher than what I rolled. You're going to take 23 points of slashing damage. Jeez Louise. From the moon hag. Okay.

And now it's Aldo's turn. All right, Aldo is... Okay, so... I am frustrated with my own inability to do anything ever. Mm-hmm. I am going to... I'm going to go ahead.

I'm going to throw... Don't talk about my friend like that. Okay. Aww. I meant Aldo, but thank you for assuming I meant me. Fuck him. I'm going to go ahead and throw

another bottled lightning at the feet of this flank tag. Nice. Okay. We don't have to talk about Tsugi like that. No, no. Okay, so.

Well, he didn't hit, did he? No, that's another five points of splash damage. Okay, chipping away. It's at this time that I'll remind you that these creatures, because you did some knowledge checks about them, they have ferocity. That means when they go down, they're not really down. It's going to take several more hits to actually kill them. Okay.

Good news. I'm going to throw another. I'm going to throw an acid flask this time. I'm going to drink a Miller Lite. Let's change it to acid flask. By the way, once again, I'm rolling with my new Norse foundry suite. I don't know if you can see this, but it's a very sweet

wolf-themed die box that I guilted them into sending me. Thank you very much. Alright, so I'm going to throw an acid bomb. Come on. Okay. Alright, that is a 29. Come on. Okay. Alright. That is

a 29. That is a hit. Okay. Okay. We can do this, Ethel. Come on. What? What's going on?

Who are you? Alright. Now that's a meat wall. For you! All right. Now that's a meat wall. Having a good time. All right, that's five points of acid splash damage. And she will also take an additional 2d6 persistent acid damage. This is amazing.

This is going to have a horrible turn when it finally comes to her turn. Well, this persistent damage is key to sort of overcoming ferocity because if I don't get rid of these, those are going to be the things that take her down without giving her an extra round or two. So clutch move by old Aldo. And with my final action, I am going to use my Pendant of the Occult. I'm going to grasp it and whisper Atticus's name.

Give Atticus a plus one to a roll on his next turn. Wow, thank you. Nice. Wasted in Joe's hands. This bleeding, enervated, acid-splashed moon hag will just stumble backwards like a prize fighter that just got punched in the face. Right into the wall of eyes.

Leaning against a pickle. And we'll cast a spell on Ethel. Ethel, roll a will save. Come on, Ethel. Come on, Ethel. Ethel, wait. What? What?

We didn't square away the bottle cap situation. I have one. Oh, you have one anyway. I have one that I earned last show. Yeah. Okay. You have one, and Sydney has one. No one else has one.

That is a 28. Where did you get yours? I never used mine last episode. You all told me not to. I'm so sorry. That one's gone. The only ones that remain are the ones that were earned. Earned one, Kate.

You can't just bring one from home. I still have it. It's a 28 on the wheel, sir. DC 29. Oh, my. Wait, wait, wait. Damn it. Wait.

Does enervated lower... That's what I'm asking I'm asking you Because if it does Wait I have guidance Oh you do have guidance That's right Fuck you Troy Yes Thank you Sydney for the guidance

You're so smart With guidance there's the success Yes However she casts confusion on you And with success you babble incoherently And you're stunned one For how many rounds? Just one round

So you're stunned one and stupefied two That's not a fear effect is it? You're not a fear effect Stop asking if things are fearfied two. That's not a fear effect, is it? You're not a fear effect. Stop asking if things are fear effects. It matters. No, it's not. Okay.

Let's not have the fear trait. Then she is going to look at Atticus and say something mean to you two. Atticus and say something mean to you too. She's going to say, your mind does not belong to you. We can sense it. And the one it belongs to is coming to take it back. Whoa. And as your perception of reality is shattered, not unlike your mercenary friend,

Roller will save. Okay, this is big. This one's really big. Stupefied is, oh man. All right, come on. Come on, we got this. Pickle Joe. Pickle Joe.

Pickle Joe. Pickle Joe. Come on, come on, come on, we got this. Pickle Joe. Pickle Joe. Pickle Joe. Pickle Joe. Come on, come on, come on. Come on! God damn it! The question is, is it a critical failure? That is a 19. Exactly a critical failure? That is a 19. Exactly a critical failure.

And no hero point. And no hero point. Oh, wait. Why do I get that bonus, too? Oh, you get the plus one. Wait. To a saving throw or an attack, what is that plus one to? Anything.

Then 20. Fuck. Fuck. It's still going to be bad. Call that synergy. Damn it. They're learning. Matthew, did you combine our names just to make synergy?

Was it like skid and sit, but it was skidnergy? No. That's a word, synergy. It's an actual word. just to make synergy? Was it like skid and sit, but it was skidnergy? No. No, that's a word, synergy. It's an actual word. You have the English language. You're stupefied, too.

Oh, no. I am? See, it sounds like it. Okay, I'll put it on my sheet. I guess you're stupefied too. She stepped, she jawned, she jimmed, and she's actually going to stand there. So correct me if I'm wrong,

I'm now going to take bleed damage, innervation damage, acid damage, and the meat wall gets to free attack, right? Yes. It has eyes. It doesn't have anything to grab with. It has eyes. So the meat wall just stares at her as? Yes. It has eyes. It doesn't have anything to grab with. It has eyes, so the meat wall just stares at her as she takes. Give me the bleed damage. What'd you roll?

I'm sorry. You said bleed, but in my mind I heard acid splash. That's not what I said, Matthew. They're very similar phrases. I can see how you thought I said that. 12 points of bleed. 12 points of bleed. Flat check for the bleed.

Your old box cars? Flat check for bleed, natural two. Yeah. Innervation damage. 20. Fuck. Ooh. Ooh.

Damn. Flat check for that, nine. Yeah. Acid damage. Nine. Yeah. Wow. Flat check for that. Nine. Yeah! Acid damage. Nine. Yeah! Wow. Flat check for that.

Seven! Yeah! Wow. Yuvia! What a horrible round for her. All right, this is where you have to strike Suki. All right, I'm going to cast Electric Arc at both of the

hags. Yikes. You have to make... Who said no? You have to make a reflex save. Thank you. Woo! Reflex save. Thank you. Reflex saves? Okay. Alright. And don't forget, you have your negatives.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, here we go. First reflex save is... Ah, fuck. 37. Second reflex save is... Oh, shoot. Another 37! What a shame. Take no damage.

Yikes. How many actions was that? That was two. And for my third action, I bow and I run away. All right, you slide to the back after your electric arc fails. And I run behind Ethel to protect me. Ooh, I lied. Who are you?

Oh, no. Ooh, I lied. Who are you? Oh, no. Oh, no. I know your name. What is it? I'm busy. What? I'm very busy right now. I yell to Eris,

Eris, help! Well, it's a good thing you yelled that, because it's Ethel's turn. What? Don't worry about it. All right, I have good news for your hag, Troy. Do you? You're no longer bleeding. Oh, really?

Cleansing slice only works, it only extends until the my next turn. You're no longer flat-footed either. Oh. I know. It's very sad. What a bummer. But I am stunned one, so I only get two actions. Okay. She's caught between a rock and a bummer. But I am stunned one, so I only get two actions. Okay. She's caught between a rock and a meatball.

So I'm going to step forward, and I'm going to hope for that natural 20 and swing this. Come on, buddy. It would be pretty cool. It would be so cool. Natural seven. Oh. Damn. That's going to be a 25.

Miss. Okay, that's my turn to be a 25. Miss. Okay, that's my turn. Dude, man. Dude! So stunned one is going to prevent you from doing a double slash if you have to move. Well, now it takes away, right? Yes. So now I'm stunned zero by the next turn.

Yeah. No, you're not stunned now. You're no longer stunned. As soon as you miss that action. Actually, he won't be stunned at the beginning of his next turn. So he will be stunned all the way through, right? Sure. Okay. It doesn't matter. I don't care. I want to go on record. I don't care. Sure, okay.

Stupified is constant, right? It doesn't take away? Yeah, well, look it up. Eris, it's your turn. I'll look up stupified while Eris is taking your amazing turn. I'm going to carry over Suki being like, Eris, help! And she's going to be like, I got you, bitch! And she takes a five-foot step this way

and casts another meat wall! Because I don't want two of these attacking us! And thank you so much for stepping away, because I can cast another one now. Amazing! So this hag has got to fight through the meat walls, and this one's going to have arms. Yeah!

Like that? Meat wall? Yeah, I like that. How about like that? Sure, that looks good. Okay. Well, no, why don't you make it a box, so leave something open. I can only make it a straight line.

What's that? No, no, no. Like vertical. Yeah, vertical. Make it vertical in line with the steam pipe so that we can flank her. Over here? Because right now she's protected. Ah, yes. Yeah, right there.

Perfect. Yes. So rotate it, please. I know how you want me to rotate it. Vertical. There you go. There you go. Like Tetris.

Yeah! Welcome to the meat box. It is like Tetris right? Like don't Got it Alright wow What a shame I've never in my life been so grateful to be surrounded by meat

This must be killing you And that's my turn Alright good turn for Eris It is Atticus' turn Atticus what do you know? Atticus is going to... Man. Yeah, this is tough because that stupefied condition just crushed my DCs,

which makes her critically succeeding all the more likely. So I am going to... I'm just going to blast. I'm going to blast. I'm going to pull out the biggest gun I've got. Wow. I'm going to cast Heightened to

level 5 Magic Missile. Yeah! And I have to give a shout out to my friend Jeff in St. Paul who gave me his Magic Miss missile D4. That always rolls fours. So everything else I'm doing digitally.

Because it's just too many die. How much damage do missiles do? Magic missile. You die rolled a one, Jeff. 29 points. No one is surprised. 29 points of force damage. 29 points. No one is surprised. 29 points of force damage. 29 points of force damage.

Shoo! Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm not moving there. Okay. I am firing... Oh, no, that was... Yeah, because it was three action jaunts, so...

Okay. That was nine magic missiles. Nine magic missiles. Holy... And only 29 damage. And only 29 damage. And only 29 damage. Yeah. There's a lot of ones in there.

That's pretty good. That's still pretty good. A lot of twos. That's good. Okay. Yeah, I mean, when I'm stupefied, my DCs are so low,

so it's like, I have to do something that doesn't require a save. Everybody's real proud of you. It's round three. The moon hag that is stuck behind a meat wall will move one space down and begin clawing at that meat wall like there's no tomorrow.

So I've got to move action. I'm going to get three strikes here. First claw is a 30. What's the AC of this thing? Ten. Okay. So that's a 30. What's the AC of this thing? Uh, 10. Okay. So that's a crit. Second attack is a crit, which will then rend

the wall. Well, how many points of damage was that? Well, I'm about to tell you. It is going to be 1121 points of damage, and then it's going to be 17 points of damage, so 38. Is that meatball still up? Yeah, it is. Alright, now I'm gonna

rend. That square of it is still up because you're attacking that one square. Yes. And I'm gonna rend that meat like there's no tomorrow. Also, wait. Okay, keep going. Now another 24 points of damage on the rend. Um, can you please give that to me all together?

I forgot what I said. Uh, so it's 21, 17, 24. Yes. Yes. Yeah. 62. Still up. Still up?

Yeah. Oh, man. Is that all you got? All of that doubled because it was a crit. Not double on the rend, but it'd be like another 38 points of damage. What? Yeah, it's a crit. You can't just say that.

It's a crit. All right. Well, that square of it is down. Damn it. But is Yeah, it's a crit. You can't just say that. It's a crit. All right, well, that square of it is down. Damn it. But is that, that's all? Yes. That's your whole turn? So the square that you attacked is down.

No. And you ended your turn. You ended your turn next to my meat wall, so you must attempt a reflex save. I shall. Yeah. You're probably going to pass, but whatever. I will.

Your meat wall's broken. I'll probably fail. I ain't afraid of your meat wall. That is going to be A. 32. Pass. Nothing happens. And now there is an opening in your meat. Ew!

Ew! I didn't mean for it to come out weird. But here we are. It's Aldo's turn. Aldo, what do you got? Okay, Aldo is going to reach into a slightly different pouch than his bandolier of bombs,

and he's going to pull out the green swirling gas of a blight bomb. Okay. Throw it! Die, go fuckers. Okay. Throw it! There we go. 34 to hit. That is a hit. All right. Eight points of...

No, wait. 14 points of damage. Yikes. And she has also got another 2d4 points of persistent poison damage. Wow. My God, amazing. All right.

And now I am going to throw a dread ampule. Ooh. At her. Okay. Okay, that is a 24 to hit. 24 is a miss. Okay, so that's six points of mental splash damage. Right to the brain.

And that'll do. And then with my last action i'm actually gonna run back behind the wall to get a little cover because i actually heard it now and i'm i'm scared yeah yeah i hear you um well it's now that moon hag's turn and she has three persistent conditions on her, and her back's against a meatball. She looks at Ethel, and there might even be a little fear in her eyes. You can't tell. She looks human, but also not human. The features are a little elongated. The nose is a little too long.

The hair is a little too string-like. Her mouth is a little too wide As she smiles at you And she will once again First action Say something to hurt your feelings What a bitch Wait a minute Does that mean that the stupefied condition goes away? Oh yeah you already have the stupefied condition

So no that doesn't go I said that weird I said it like Sydney would say it I know that synergy. I said it like Sidney would say it. I know that synergy is a real word. I know that. What does it mean? It's like the combination. What was the word that...

I can't... Hello? She has a call. We'll ask her after. She has a call. You're breaking up. Did you just fake a hand phone call? I'm going through a... Did you have a phone in your pocket? Is that a phone in your pocket?

Or are you just... I'm not going to do that on that phone. Here's what I'm going to do. Here's what I'm going to do. Here's what I'm going to do. I am going to... Alright, here's what I'm going to do. Here's what I'm going to do. I am going to... All right, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to...

I'm going to move... Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to move... I am going to move towards Suki and take the attack of opportunity from Ethel. Oh, wow. I'm going to use the scuki and take the attack of opportunity from Ethel. Oh, wow. I'm going to use the scimitar. Yes, come on!

All right, it's a 33 to hit. That's a hit. 12 points of damage. All right, 12 points of damage. That move was free thanks to Quickened. I will then say one of these epitaphs at Suki, and I'll say the sounds that emanate

from these pipes are the sounds of your lover. You will never know his embrace or the embrace of any other again. Man.

Sydney. Oh, no. She says. She says my name? You're as cold as ice. Roller will save. Okay. I'm going to use...

Okay. Don't forget, Sydney is stupefied too. 90- 80. Oh! Nice! Oh, yes! What's the totes? 34.

You're all right. You're all right, LaRusso. Well, that's a bummer. Now I'm gonna claw you, and if I hit twice, I'm gonna rend you. Okay. I have two actions remaining. First claw, natural 20. Troy's going to roll.

Troy's going to roll. You're totally screwed. A couple things are going to happen. One, this is a named character, so I'd like a fan script. What's their name? Susan B. Anthony. It is a named character. It's in the book.

Her name is Susan B. Anthony? It's in the book. Got her. What does the B stand for? She's the best. Ah, yes. Famed moon hag. Susan's best Anthony. She's the best Ah yes Famed moon hag Susan's best Anthony

Susan's best Anthony She's the best of the Anthonys Best in the biz Let's get a local crib That must be really harsh for her sister Let's see if we can find a local crib We do have one Is Trace here from Asheville?

Yay! What up Trace? I think that person's lying I think they're lying too it was like quiet just long enough anyway hey they just want to be on the video he was trying to order I think it was a baby I hope you didn't do something terrible thinking a PC would pull this behold my works y'all and get wicked despaired. Now he knew Troy was going to pull this one. Your strike has replaced the platonic ideal

of martial perfection across the multiverse. Such is its terrible beauty. Double damage. If your target is evil... Are you evil? No. They receive extra damage.

A target with any other alignment other than evil is spared by this righteous thrashing. Nice. Yeah, good one, Trace. Thank you, Trace. Sometimes. Sometimes. 32 points of slashing damage.

Okay. My goodness. Second attack. Just a reminder for the folks at home, if this attack hits, it will do rend. Oh, no, I don't have an action to do rend. Oh! Also, are you taking an attack penalty on this?

Yes, I am. I don't take a penalty on a navagance. 20. There's a chance. Here we go. You're quickened, sir. All right. That's going to be...

What the fuck? 32. God. To hit? No. Points of damage? Oh, points of damage. Are you getting bored over there?

Never missing an attack. It's a 32 to hit. Move that giant head. What? 32 to hit. To hit giant head. 32 to hit. Yes, that hits. Why are you looking at me? Wanted to see if it was a crit. It's not. From Susan.

Best. Anthem. 26 points of slashing damage. And somewhere on a boat in the material plane, we see your sad, pathetic body go, and blood comes out of your ears. We slowly pan over and see Ethel

with blood gushing out of his mouth. What a sad state of affairs. If it makes you feel any better, this moon hag, Susan Best Anthony, is going to die right now. Let's find out. Let's start with the enervation damage.

Ener- veish. I wasn't prepared. Oh! My God! 8776 For 28 Points Dammit

28 Flat check 2 This is the poison damage From before there, Skid That's 5 points of poison damage Alright, so that's five for the poison. I meant acid, but we'll do five for the

poison, and then roll the flat for the poison. That's a new one. Seventeen. No longer poisoned. Now the acid. I mean, how many hit points can these freaking things have? Ten. Ten points of acid damage. She has been brought to zero.

Okay. Oh, we got her! Now, with ferocity, when you're brought to zero, you're immediately brought to one. You have one hit point. And its wounded value increases by one. Once you get it to wounded

three, it's gone, so. Okay? So basically, if you can damage it two more times, period, regardless of the amount of damage, you're all set. Or if you crit it. Or if you cut its head off. It'd be funny if you did that now when it's meaningless. Guaranteed.

Is there any more persistent damage? No, that was it. That was enough. Let me see if I... And a nat four on that, so... Yeah. You should be good here. If you do nothing, she will just die

from the two persistent damages. Now it is... Al... Wait, did you already go Aldo? I've lost track. Yeah, he went. The hag just went. Did I do the wrong hag?

Oh, you did the wrong hag. You did the wrong... I did the wrong hag. Well, it's okay. Did you really? Wait, did I do... The other one spent the whole round cutting through the wall. You said they were named, and you did the one named Susan Best Anthony.

Right, you're right. How could you confuse them? I think it's my turn. I think it is Suki's turn. Yeah. Well, um... Well! So, question for the team, Suki asks.

Hey, guys! Um, should I hit her at all then? No, I should just move. Yeah, we do have to hit her. We do. I mean, she can still hurt us. She won't die from the persistent damage. If you want to do anything else, just do it.

Well, here's the thing. I mean, like, my spells are so strong, it feels like a waste. Yeah. They're just so strong. Yes, we saw the damage that electric arc levels. All right. I'm just going to... an elixir of moderate that I still have,

because I'm going to die, and I'm going to interact and do that and earn some hit points, and I'll gonna interact and do that, and earn some hit points, and I'll do that after. But I drink that. And then I am going to cast my relief. You're at two actions, right?

You have to pull out the potion, and then drink the potion. It's two actions. He's right. He's right to correct her. Do you want me to hit her or not? Sure. Do you want to swing at her? No. I need to drink my potion. Retrieve one action. Drink second action. You could just step into flanking and give

Ethel flanking. It always helps. And die? Alright. I step into flanking. I drink my potion. I'll roll. She'll be dead before you go again. She's not gonna hurt you. She can't hurt you anymore. Susan Best Anthony can't hurt you anymore, Sydney. Is she related to

former Indiana Pacer Travis Best, perchance? On her mother's side. Former Georgia Tech point guard Travis Best out of Springfield, Massachusetts. Don't be foolish. Best is her middle name. It's on her mother's side. Yeah, it was her maiden name. It's a family name.

Knowing that Ethel will kill her in his next turn and she won't have to deal with it, she just gives her the middle finger as she drinks her potion. And that's what she does for her turn. And she looks at you in a way where you know you'll never be loved again. You didn't get it, the will save.

It doesn't affect her, so she's fine. Ethel, you're up. What do you got? Let's double slice. Let's double slice. That poor other moon hag has been barely touched. Actually, I'm going to take... Joe is right. He's been... Yeah. Okay. Ethel is going

to stride over to the other moon hag. I just want to let you know, I'm pretty sure my wall of flesh doesn't care what's in front of it. Oh, yeah. What about what's inside of it? Oh! That's weirder than what I said. Well.

Well. But yeah, that still stands. If you end your turn within five feet of my wall, it will try to grab you. Then maybe I'll try... Is tumbling through a single action? And you can't use it as part of a stride, right? It has to be its own action.

It's its own thing, yeah. That's all right. No, no, no. It's as part of a stride. Oh, yeah, it is. I'm sorry. All right. Then I will roll acrobatics

to try to tumble through this other move. That's fun. 27. 27. 27. All right, that's against the Reflex DC of this. John Ski, and that is a fail. All right. So I will stay in the warm embrace of the meat.

Yes. There's not enough Carolina barbecue sauce to slide through. So you remain within the meat hole. And I will double slice. It's warm. It feels safe. The purple dye was on a 20 and then rolled off.

However, it's two natural 16s, so that'll be a 36 on the Warhammer and a 34 on the Simitron. Oh my god, amazing, dude! Two hits. Yes. There you go. And bleed.

Okay. That'll be 13 points of Warhammer damage. Okay. And 16 points of Scimitar damage. Not too shabby. And bleeding or no? No, I didn't get the Flens. You didn't get the Flens. You didn't get the flens.

I had to move. Bummer for the locals. Sadly. Wait. No, I did not quicken you yet or haste you yet. No. So no, no flens. He ended his turn near your meat.

What do you do? You gotta make a reflex, slave. Sorry. 29. You pass. Ooh! Eris's meat knows not to touch me yet. Yet.

What? It is... Not yet, anyway. It is... Woo! It is Eris's turn. Oh, my God! It's a romance.

It's a slow-building romance. It's a slow burn. Do you think I'm the Rachel E. Cook of the She's All That? Yeah, absolutely you are. Eventually I'll come down the stairs. Yeah, just need a pair of glasses. I have a pair of glasses. There you go.

And now that you have gone, I would love to cast Haste on you. Nice. You're welcome. So that's two of my actions. And for the last action, I'm kind of torn between just like whacking this one Ling or just kind of dead with my hair and my nails or giving Ethel guidance because

he's been targeted a lot. Kill the hag! Give Ethel guidance. What? Because I can't give Ethel guidance, but I can hit the creature. You know what I mean? Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Alright, so I just do a lot for you this round, I guess. Maybe you can see me holding my meatball back a little bit.

Oh, my God. And I'm like, you go faster. She did cast haste. God, I am so in for Eris and Ethel. Let me... I shipped them. We were trying to do their... Well, speaking of synergy,

we were trying to do their names, and it was Erithel or... What was the other one? Ethis. Ethis. I think Ethis is the one. Ethis is a little more sexy. So, yeah.

She does that, and she's like, and also, maybe let me guide you. Oh! And my turn is over. Bye! Bye! You'll never see me again. I can't stop myself.

So you're going to guide me through your meatball? She's like, Ethel, Ethel, Ethel, that's the wrong hole. Let me guide you, I said. Right over here. My turn's over. There was a baby in the audience. A drunk baby.

A drunk baby. To be fair, the baby... Well, you see, when a man and a woman or a flesh warp and a man... Also, that baby knows a lot about guiding through meat walls right now. That's true. When a moon hag tears a hole in your meat wall. It's a long story, kid.

The internet is forever, everybody. All right. Atticus, you're up. Oh, my God. Atticus, knowing the weaknesses of this creature, seeing it on its last leg, is going to simply lift a hand, barely move it around,

as a single magic missile, just pew. Nice. Let's give you another try, Jeff. Four! Plus one is five. Max! Magic missile! Dammit!

All right. And I believe you are done, good buddy. How so? I believe ferocity is a reaction, which you can only use once per round. Yeah! which you can only use once per round. Yeah! Pickle Joe! Pickle Joe!

Pickle Joe! Say it, Ashfield! Pickle Joe! Pickle Joe! Pickle Joe! Pickle Joe's coming to get you, bro. Ashfield, give it to ya! Pickle Joe's coming to get you, bro. Pickle Joe. The music stopped. Bottle cap. Oh!

Bottle cap and she falls. Yes! Yes! Here we go. Do you have any actions? Next two actions. Think one Ethel is not enough for Eris. Behind the moon hag, a flickering image of Ethel appears.

And she doesn't see it flickering, but the flickering ends, and then boom! She is flanked by two Ethels. Yeah! Hell yeah! And he begins sustaining a luxury creature behind the moon hag. And she is flat-footed.

Wow. This is fired up! This has taken a turn. Atticus, I didn't know you could do that. We'll talk later. We need to talk after this. I need a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend.

Well, punch me in the meat wall. Please. What the hell am I supposed to do with this? Fuck. It's a real pickle. Pickle Joe! Pickle Joe! Pickle Joe! Amazing. All right, all right, all right.

Hey, come on. Let's go. Keep it moving, man. I'm going to cast a spell which will trigger your attack of opportunity. Yes! Yeah. Two attacks of opportunity.

Yeah! Shut up. Stop it. That's going to be a 25, which is a miss, I believe. That's a miss. Oh, no, a 27. Still a miss. Okay. Against flat-footed. That's a to be a 25, which is a miss, I believe. That's a miss. Oh, no, a 27. Still a miss. Against flat-footed. That's a hit.

Still a miss. Oh! With the guidance, it's one more. Just a hit. Okay. Math. New weapon. 11 points of damage. 11 points of damage 11 points of damage She looks at you and like her

The corners of her mouth start to go up Like past her ears And as she does that she just like sprinkles her hands At you and you start to feel very very Afraid, give me a will save And yes This is a fear effect. Say it.

Say it! 20. I'm so sorry. That's a fail. You are frightened one. Frightened one That was Bravery I know I'm looking at bravery right now

Keep us a second Never looked at the text for bravery It immediately goes down to zero And what does Eris think about that? That's so hot Oh my god He's in my meat wall, he'll never be scared He feels safe

Safe, couched between Eris's meat. This is horrible. My children will watch this. People just show it to them. It is going to claw you. Second action. Natural one!

Yeah! And sadly, this is a named character. And what is her name? Margaret Thatcher. Margaret H. Thatcher. All right, this one is from, oh, man, an old friend of the show, PJ Lovesauce from Atlanta. PJ here today? Boo!

Boo! Sorry, Tom. Margaret Thatcher's middle name was Hilda. Her name actually was Margaret H. Thatcher. Whoa! Unfortunately, this one is Hero. Margaret Hero Thatcher. And Susan Bestanthin A short

Fumboni You drop anything held In all hands or appendages Unless it is strapped on Alright Tom's words We're running out of time If you aren't holding anything

You take the condition Clumsy 2 For 1d6 rounds Wow Wow Amazing Thank you Tom Wow

What a shame Next attack is probably a hit with a 35. Yes. So this is going to be a little bit of damage for you to the tune of 18 points of slashing.

And then with quicken I get one more strike that I will use. 22 probably a miss. Miss. And then your meatball may attack. Or it's a reflex slave. Reflex slave. Ooh, resex slave.

Resex? I'm sorry, I'm trash now. Did you just say resex? Did you just say resex slave? I'm garbage. We must resex the slave. All right, I rolled a 28. 28, Kate. Pass. Pass right. I rolled a 28. 28, Kate.

Pass. Pass. Pass? Okay. Everybody calm down. Dirty, dirty, dirty minds. Dirty, dirty. I don't know how this happened.

Skid, do you have Britney Spears' immortal hit, I'm a Slave, for you? I do. Does he? Does he? Nope. Wait. Sorry. That's definitely not it.

All right. Sorry. Wait, sorry. That's definitely not it. All right. Sorry. Also not right. It is going to be Aldo's turn. All right. They're playing basketball. Oh! All right.

Something's wrong with your soundboard. It's broken. It's broken. It's broken. I'll have the tech look at it between the turns here. I am actually, I'm kind of in a difficult situation here because I'm between a meat wall and a hard place. We've all been there.

Yeah. This is actually, no, I could, yeah, they would just have cover, right, if I threw past Ethel? Yeah, I would have some soft curve. Okay, so I'm going to move up, and acknowledging the fact that there is cover involved, I'm going to throw a dread ampule. Okay. It's just lesser cover. It's just going to be a plusread Ampule. Okay. It's just lesser cover. It's just going to be a plus one to her AC. Okay.

Let's see what you got. I'm going to try this here. That is a miss. Damn! But a little bit of splash. That's going to be six points of splash damage. Six splash, okay. And then with my final action,

I'm going to... Is there anyone who hasn't received guidance during this combat yet? She hasn't. Okay. Margaret. Alright. You know what? Actually, thinking deep down with a real sense

of forgiveness, I'm going to cast guidance on Pepsi. Pepsi, the cowardly snake who has yet to do anything in this fight and who's only abandoned us in our hour of need so recently. Thank you so much. Pepsi

has guidance. Amazing. Also, I said before, Pepsi was a ball python. He's not. He's a boa constrictor. It's canon. So nobody get my ass online later. I made a mistake. And you still don't know what synergy means.

Google, Google, Google. Is that it, Aldo? Yeah, that's it. Suki, you're up. Oop. Oop. And I oop. I guess. Well, now Iop. And I oop. I guess. Well, now I feel compelled to do animal companion. Fuck!

Let's go! I wasn't. I was looking at spells. Ah, spells suck. Spells suck. Fuck those. All right. Pepsi!

I'm going to command Pepsi to come on over. And Pepsi's going to slither on up to Aldo to come on over. And Pepsi's gonna slither on up to Aldo, his best friend. And that's his one action. Cool. Useful.

He gets two actions. Actually, no, wait, hold on. I'll double move Pepsi. Can we say that Pepsi can tumble through, can go past through Ethel's legs? We can say she can double through if she rolls to tumble through. You can use that guidance I just gave him.

She's a snake. I don't like the way you play sometimes. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe this is how you do it with your lame Brooklyn friends. But here we play by the rules. Roll really hard. 100% of the time.

Give me a tumble. Maybe you've got crazy snake reflexes. 22. I rolled really bad. 23. Oh, 23! You're stuck behind Ethel. That is correct.

Now take your turn so we can move on. Okie dokie. So that was... I'm just going to turn... God damn. Why did I command Pepsi? I wasn't prepared to do that. That's my fault.

It's fine. I shouldn't have given the snake... I yes-anded and I was excited. Yeah, and Joe pressured you to do it and then got mad when you didn't do it the way he wanted you to. I'm just going to move next to Atticus and prep. Oh, nope. Don't want to be near the meat wall.

That meat wall will not grab you. It has eyes. It'll just look at you. Thank you for the reminder. The meat wall has eyes. But the other meat wall, you're within five feet of it. Pepsi needs to make a reflex leave. What?

Why did I command my game? We've been here all night. We've been talking about the meat wall all night. This is officially the worst turn in the history of the network. And there have been some. And there's been some bad ones. What did you roll? This is it.

Do I make it now or later? No, it's at the end of your turn. Make it now. Are you sure? Yes. I rolled a natural one. You fail. Now I've got to read the rules for a fail.

That's a critical fail. Wait. What's it total? It's a 15 total. That's a critical fail. It doesn't matter. It's a critical fail. It doesn't matter. It's a critical fail. It's double damage.

So the snake is restrained by the wall for one round or until it escapes against my spell, DC. Whichever comes first. Wait, it takes damage though, yeah? No? No, it just, like, yeah. When it's mouths, the mouths bite you. The mouths attack. Great.

Cool. I will never get that time. Hi, Skid. It is Ethel's turn. Ethel, just cut her head off. Or cut my head off so I don't have to listen to these turns. All right. To start, double strike, flank.

Come on. Flanking. Come on. Okay. That's going to be no natural 20 there. Man. But it is going to be, I'm hoping two hits, a 30 and a 31. 32.

That's two hits, yeah? Dude, you are rocking tonight. Flinch. Okay, that'll be 20 points of damage from the Warhammer. Nice. Good roll. Max damage from the Scimitar, 16 points of damage. Fox Cards. 18 points of damage from the Warhammer. Good roll, dude. Max damage from the Scimitar. 16 points of damage.

18 points of damage from the Scimitar. 18 from the Scimitar. So now I will flens you. Flens me? Yeah. The flensman. So you're going to be flat-footed until the beginning of my next turn. He Doc Smiths the flensman. That's me.

And you're going to take 2d8 persistent bleed damage. Okay. Okay, and now I have an extra action because I'm quickened. Nobody... So I'm going to do

the only thing I can... I was thinking about moving or tumbling through again, but why not try for the natural 20? Go for it. You got this. Now this is my worst attack

Do you want to give Asheville the best show ever? Well I won't be giving it to them tonight 19 19 Damn That's just a miss Please make a reflex save It's a 21

Oh yeah I gotta make a reflex save Yeah reflex against the The meatball That's a 26. No. 28. Pass. Sorry, I read my will save

because I can't resist the allure of the meat wall. Sure. No one's ever looked at my meat wall like that before. Eris, okay. I'm getting a very good look. Eris, it is, stop it. Both of you.

Oh, God, it's just too easy. It's too easy. Eris, unfortunately, it's your turn. What would you like to do? Well, I'm at a meatball slot. Thank God. That's not... You can't make that a sexual thing.

I'm out of meatball slots. I'm out of meatball slots. I only have two. One in the front and one in the... Relax. Relax. I've got a t-shirt idea that no one will buy. I'll buy it.

I don't think you want this shirt, sir. You have to subscribe to Eris' OnlyFans in order to buy it. Anyway. Eris, it, your turn. Three actions worth of magic missile, which I meant to roll before my turn, but I forgot. You've got to move to get line of sight there.

Okay. Two actions of my magic missile. They hit unerringly. Oh, four. One. Five, six, seven Points of damage Seven points of damage? Nice

Hey, it was a better turn Than Sidney's Am I right? That is 100% For the listening audience Sidney left the stage and Kate Am I right? That is 100%. 100%, Kate. For the listening audience, Sydney left the stage and Kate pounced.

Pounced in preemptive shame. I'm a back-talking, back-scatting bitch. I think she's getting into her car and leaving. Oh, God. How would that be perceived by a Vanderpump Rules audience, what you just did? Oh, very well. Atticus saved this round and show.

Atticus is fighting through this stupefied condition. I didn't role play it well enough because it is really cool to think of how awful these things are that they put in your head. This fear that at any moment, the mind that he swapped might pull back and take his own mind away. It's very frightening. And so he's trying to power

through it and he's controlling the movements of Ethel, making him look like he's a competent fighter. Even more competent than he normally is. And he's going to try to strike the other Ethel. So he's going to sustain the spell and the other Ethel is going to strike with a

Vorpal Scimitar. Yeah. Oh, wow. At the Moon Beast. Whatever. The Moon Hag. And this will be tough, but I'm going to roll a die from my friend Zeke, who was in St. Paul and was very, very nice. Zeke,

he thinks mathematically this die is going to do well for me. So here we go. Please, Zeke, please. Natural three. I could have me So here we go Please Zeke, please Natural three I could have told you Zeke, put it on your list Natural three And then I will do a second attack Which will just not hit

Natural one Zeke Do we need to get Zeke out of the illusion? That's a magical fumble Oh my god Do we need to get Seek out of the illusion That's a magical fumble Oh Yeah it is

Yeah Magical fumble From the great state Of North Carolina By any chance Seek Seek This one from

Tetris Fumble Fan Fumble They don't happen as often anymore. I have to use the drop when I get the chance. Thank you, Nick Lowe. Appreciate you, good buddy.

This one is from Tad in Asheville. Is there a Tad? Hi, Tad. Yeah! Yeah! This one is, I'm sorry, Skid. Yikes. This is actually great.

I'm happy with this. If Skid rolled the fumble, don't worry about it. Oh! Oh, that's so good. Your attack simply misses. Continue with your turn. If any other PC or the GM rolled the fumble, your next successful attack becomes a miss.

Even if it's a crit. Oh, wow. Oh my god, if Matthew got that and then Vorpal Scimitar... Oh my god! I would retire from game. Thank you, Tad, thank you! This is like, this is the

equivalent of working the reps for years and years. It's like, hey, come on. That wasn't a foul. Now I finally get the benefit. It didn't even really do anything. But thank you. Thank you. All right.

End of your turn, Atticus? No. My turn is just beginning. I'm afraid that my turn, however, will be very, very uninteresting. I am going to attack. I'm going to attack to get rid of this penalty. So I am going to cast Telekinetic Projectile, and I'm going to just throw Pepsi at them.

You can't. Pepsi is grabbed by the meatball. If Pepsi wasn't grabbed, I'd allow it. Yeah. Just to make that character interesting. It is actually interesting. The room seems rather bare. Is there anything loose in the room to throw?

Yes. Okay. Wham! Something comes flying at the moon, John, and that is a 21 to hit. That is a miss. So my next attack missed already. We're good. Nope.

Your next successful attack misses. Oh, right, right, right. But don't worry. We won't ever see that. Yeah, exactly. I'll hold this for a long time. You're the best person you've got, though. It is the moon hag's turn, and she doesn't like being surrounded by two Ethels and a meat wall. So, she is going to first attack the illusion.

The illusion, Michael! So, one claw on the illusion. Oh boy, That's a 41 to hit. Jesus Christ. What? What did you just roll? Rocks! 18 plus 23. You're a plus 23. 41!

You're damn right I am. God, that's insane. Fake Ethel's like It immediately dies. And then vanishes into the ether. And then she turns and looks at real Ethel. Says, it's your turn now, unlovable one.

And she rolls a sweet 27. Miss. Oh! There it is! There it is. I will attack again, 27. Miss. There it is! There it is. I will attack again because I can. Natural 20.

Shabu! Shabu! Oh! Neon green is red hot tonight! Nuh-uh. I touched it earlier with my cornbread hands. You did. And I rolled a natural one.

And since this crowd booed me, I'd like a crit from South Carolina. Oh, no. Oh. The superior Carolina. Troy, we just talked about guns

and stuff at the beginning of the show. I mean, the also good Carolina. It's really nice to be six hours from a beach. Two hours. From a good beach. I love you guys. This is very bad.

This is from Jordan in Johnson City, Tennessee. Did you make the drive, Jordan? Any chance? Hi, Jordan. Hey! Oh, no shit! Dude, South Carolina's own Jordan.

This is great. Jordan from South Carolina. First in flight. First in flight. Dude, somebody dropped an FU and it was real hard on the K. I think they're going to wait in the parking lot for you. Yeah. This seems like a wait in the parking lot kind of crowd.

With hopefully a gift of moonshine. Okay. Jordan's is called One Hit Wonder. A song springs forward into your mind, perhaps one you heard in a tavern long ago. You gain the benefits of either inspire courage or inspire defense for

1d6 rounds. If a player who draws this crit sings aloud a one-hit wonder, all your allies gain these benefits too. But you're an evil, evil bastard, so you don't get that. And all your allies are dead. And all your friends are dead. The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump.

Wow! Help me, baby! I take issue. Digital Underground had lots of very good songs. Several good albums. Sex fucking packets, Sons of the Pea. Thank you very much. We are the Sons of the Pea. Thank you very much. We are the Sons of

the Pea. If I sing an actual one-hit wonder, can we counteract some of that? Can we negate it? Yes, but you have to sing the entire chorus. Waiting for a start of fall. I lost it. Yeah!

Carry your heart into my arms. That's where you belong in my arms, baby, yeah Waiting for a sign to fall Key change. I did the whole chorus. That's the whole chorus. You win this round, Captain. Is it double damage or it didn't say?

No, it did not say, in fact. So just take double damage. No, if it doesn't say, I'll do regular damage, which is 24 points of damage. And just for shits and gigs, I will use my fourth attack, because I do have that with quickened, just to see if I roll another natural 20. Oh, my goodness.

Natural 8. It appears that my turn is over. Oh, so can you roll a reflex save, please? I can, and that will be a 31. You're fine. Moving on, meat wall. It is Aldo's turn. Okay.

Aldo, so now I have ethylene. Oh, flens damage. Yes damage yes I'm bleeding I'm sorry Give me your bleed 13 points of bleed That's great And does it go away now or do I have to It goes away at the beginning of my turn Well I'll roll my flat check

19 it goes away Anyway And flat footed Yes and flat footed is gone See ya Well no flatfooted. Right? Yes, and flatfooted is gone. See ya. All right. Well, no, flatfooted, I mean, I...

No. Flatfooted stays until the start of your next turn. Okay, fine. Who cares? Aldo, you're up. So now... It's a huge deal.

Big deal. Don't worry about it. So now, not only... She gets it. Security. Not only do I have a punctured wall of meat and a beefy divorcee between me and my target, but I also have a useless snake.

Does the useless snake also give me a penalty to hit the hag. The snake is on the ground. I will say that... I know. You do not take a... It doesn't get a plus two to its AC. Just Ethel. Okay. Ethel's big, muscly frame. Alright. I'm gonna try to restore this flat-footed condition to the hag by throwing

a bottle of lightning at it. Six points of splash damage. Okay. There it is. A bottle of lightning at it. Six points of splash damage. Okay. There it is. I'm going to... I'm going to try again. I got a couple more of these. Yeah, you never know.

You never know. This is one of the worst nights of my professional life. Rolling. Thanks a lot. You all know the company. You all know the Dice Maker. I don't need to say the name, do I? That's another six points of splash damage.

Got it, yep. Chipping away. Chipping away. Chipping away. With my last action of the round, I'm going to try to encourage Pepsi to do a little bit better next time they attempt to do anything. And I'm going to try to give an aid to them. I am going to use my clown lore.

I am going to use my clown lore. Why? Because they look so foolish right now? Well, I don't know. Trapped in this meat wall? I don't know, but I have clown lore trained. That's so interesting. Say more. Best party in the biz.

All right. Hey, thank you, Skid. Thank you. We'll catch up with you in a second on how you'll use clown lore to help Pepsi escape from the meat wall. I was saying, hey, are you going to let this guy... What are you going to do about this clown? What?

You're going to be beaten by this clown? Oof. Suki, it's your turn. Mmm. Mmm, yes and, skid. Let's see. Don't feel pressure to use the snake now. Then why are you encouraging my snake?

I just, I never know what to do with the third action. No, I feel you. Let's see if you can really synergize this tree with skids. I think you mean skid-ergy. I definitely don't. I definitely don't mean that. Please tell me what you want to do. Sid.

Just Sid. This. It's just Sid. Just a second. All right. Pepsi puffs out his little chest. Starting with Pepsi, huh? He's going to try to escape the restraint. All right. We already know what Skid does.

Did you aid the escape, Skid, with your clown war? That was a 19 on the aid check Oh sure give yourself a plus Whatever Thank you now moving on Pepsi is still restrained By the meat wall It's a 24

To his fail Wow He's so slippery But no listen Okay wait You are grabbed by my meat wall For either one round Or until it escapes

So like one round Oh so did he So after this round is over You're good Yes After this round So he's still stuck He did not ask

To be a part of this But he is Alright How many actions is that? Are you done? That's one. No, that's my command animal. Well, I guess Pepsi

could take another action. Yes, Pepsi can act again to try to escape. He has two actions. He's going to escape for free at the end of this turn, and I'm going to smash my face through my computer

if you don't do something. And you would have taken a minus five on that roll. Stop! Help! Help! I wasn't ready to bring fancy into this. I'm just going to cast, Suki's going to cast haste on Ethel

and try to kill this fucking hag. Does haste stack? I already have haste. Oh, you just cast it. Sorry. I went to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom. Sydney, I'm really excited for you to join us

for the Asheville show. This year! All right. Oh, my God. Just delay. I'm just going to... I already used my one action on Pepsi.

I'm just going to cast guidance. You know what? It's fine. I'm just going to cast guidance on Ethel to kill the thing. You've already done it.

He's immune. Kate. Sydney. Sydney is leaving the thing. You've already done it. He's immune. Kate. Sydney. Sydney is leaving the stage. Sydney. She's laying down and crying on the ground. I'm sorry.

She's sobbing into the area rug on the stage. Hello, darkness, my old friend What were we doing? Just, it's fine. Great turn, great turn, Supes.

She's going to go to the other side of Atticus. You are done. Ethel, your turn. You lose next turn as well. Ethel is going to touch himself. Okay. In my meatball? Please.

We need a new sexy song. Not like that. Yeah, we do. And he will heal because he uses his healer's gloves. He will heal for 15 points. Nice. Awesome. Good. And then I will heal for 15 points. Nice. Awesome.

And then I will double slice you, my friend. I hope you do. I hope I do, too. I've never pulled for this party more. Alright, that's going to be a 30 on the Warhammer and a 25 on the Cinetop. Hit on the hammer, miss on the John.

Okay, not bad. 20 points of damage on the War, miss on the john. Okay, not bad. 20 points of damage on the warhammer. Nice. Sweet. And for my final action, you know what? Let's do something fun. I'm going to take the warhammer and I'm going to try to shove you back, Tim. Yeah, shove.

Yes, make room, make room. Okay, I'm going to take the multiple attack penalty. 14. Natural four. You and I have different ideas of the word fun. Yeah. It is now Eris's turn. Eris, what do you do?

Listen, if I don't, I need you guys to just relax. Oh, wait. Oh, that I need you guys to just relax. But. Oh, wait. Oh, that's right. My fucking meat wall. Can you roll a reflex save? Why can't I say reflex? 24.

Fail. You're grabbed by my wall for one round or until you escape. Oh, God. So one could say the wall clenches around it. Oh. Five. Yo! That's good, Skip. That's a good one.

That's a good one. Pretty sexy. Yeah. Sexy. Really, really clenched. I need you to get out of my meat wall. Because it's just going to keep trying to grab you. Oh, my God.

Troy has basically keyed my meat wall around Ethel. Thank you. No, I'm not. No, Ethel isn't. I am. You're right. It's really hurting line of sight. Yeah.

I never thought that meat wall would become like this. You do. You do. Anyway, what I was going to do, I'm going to cast two rounds of magic missile. Yeah. There you go. Oh, my God. Troy. Three. Six points of damage. Two rounds of magic missile. Yeah! There you go. Oh my god. Troy!

Three. Six points of damage. There you go. The missile slid through that sexy opening. And hit unerringly. Sure does. And then I'm also going to use a focus spell, Needle of Vengeance.

Yes! The target, of course, is the other hag that we have. And then the forbidden creature is Ethel. Because I'm assuming you're going to try to keep hitting Ethel. Okay. Awesome. I wasn't listening. So she's like, don't you hit him while he's grabbed by my meat wall.

And I'm going to stop. No more. It's too much. Atticus. We've exhausted the meatball at this point. Just as... We're all gonna need a cigarette after this one.

Atticus, you are up. Atticus is going to yeah, again, dealing with the tortured thought of losing his own mind. He goes back and relies on the artifact that he holds around his neck. His secret eldritch amulet. And it starts a sh-kunk, sh-kunk, sh-kunk, sh-kunk, sh-kunk, sh-kunk, sh-kunk. And it opens up with this enormous power as nine magic missiles shoot out of it.

And he's blown back against the wall. He's just like, go! and he's blown back against the wall. He's just like, All these magic missiles fire out, and you take 32 points of force. Yes! Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom! She had...

She had 29 hit points left. Yes! She had 29 hit points left. Yeah! Take out the flame! However, she will use her reaction to regain one hit point and have wounded one. All right, we just got to hit her one time this round.

Take her out, they said. But it is her turn. Oh, that's right. You should ooh and ah. Because I'm mad. All right. You tried to shove me. You tried to get me with your meatball.

But now I'm going to take you out. We flash back to the boat, and we just see Eris and Suki and Atticus just, like, covered in blood from these multiple attacks. We see Pepsi, equally useless on the boat as he is here. equally useless on the boat as he is here. We see Eris sleeping soundly with a weird smile on her face. Just like that?

Just like that. Just like that. Such a weird smile. I'm not going to make a joke about having a hot dream right now. Yeah. Oh. It's too late.

You just did. She is going to, once again, go back to the claw. Because I want to rend you so bad. First attack. 40 to hit. That's a crit. Sure is. Not a 20, though, so it's just going to be double

damage, yo. And ooh, those are some rocks. 29 points. Excuse me, excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt, but you hit my Forbidden Creature as the target, so you immediately take 10 mental damage. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Stay down! I was genuinely scared for my well-being. Kate picked up a chair.

We're having fun. Oh. We're having fun. Does the damage from Needle of Vengeance interrupt the damage that would go to Apple? Yes, it does. I didn't ask you, ma'am. It sounds like God said it does. And you should stop smoking.

You have a very hoarse voice, young lady. All right, so you take no damage And she dies Yeah Eventually Eventually the meat loosens And Ethel slides out Ten minutes ain't too bad and Ethel slides out. Ten minutes ain't too bad.

Actually, that was about 18 seconds. No, no, no. The wall of flesh lasts for ten minutes. Okay, yeah. So you hang out in there and it's really nice and warm. You feel safe. You feel right. The king in yellow says

What the fuck was that? What was going on? I just heard screams and cries And some moans What is going on? Is everyone okay? You didn't help at all! I don't have any powers

My weapons were taken, my armor was taken, I haven't eaten in weeks, and this is the first sound that I've heard in a long time. It is fine, Suki. We need him to stay away. If they saw their prisoner escape, he could have drawn their ire. We need what he knows. That's a good point.

Before we move on. Stop doing laughs. Stop doing laughs. I dancing right at us. I'm so nervous I can't stop moving. If my wall's still up, my wall grabs him while he's dancing around. Gotcha,

king. I'm a little hurt. I'm a little out of breath from celebrating on stage. Am I still stupefied or is that gone? No, I think stupefied has to be removed. Let's ask the young lady that yelled at me. Does stupefied need to be removed?

No, it can't be. It has to have like a, what does the ability say? Hold on, I'll check it. It had to have a duration. I looked, I don't think it has a duration. I think it has to be removed. Stupefy. Stupefy.

It always goes to value. Take a stab. It's a penalty. You know, either John, any time you cast a spell, it's disrupted. It doesn't say anything about going down each round

and the rules. I do want to ask a question. Okay. Joe, were you rolling your flat checks? Oh, no. You were stupefied and you didn't roll

a single flat check? You make me sick. I did not. I mean, it's DC7, but it is you. Wait, why DC7? Oh, yeah. Because you're stupefied. Fuck.

A man who preaches. Look at you. Look at you now. So distracted Yes Hand in your samurai sword I thought you lived by a code Give me your katana, sir Gods

You are no warrior of the way of the cheese You are but a simple peasant. So many spells. It would be wise if you took your other sword and cut your stomach open. I think you do have to remove stupefied with restoration. Yeah, no shit. I just said that.

Are you shitting me? I'm agreeing with you to just make it clear that I... Well, I appreciate it. It's not for your benefit. I'm just being hostile. I'm mad that you defeated my creatures. Because afflictions use the stages, but this

isn't, right? This is just... There is one door to the north. One single door. Can we heal me before we go? Yeah, I'd also like to be healed. Can we leave the moon and find a cleric with restoration? No! I've got an extra elixir of life moderate. I had two

so you can have one. Oh, hey, hey, hey, Ethel. So sorry about my meatball grabbing you and that. No, no, no. Here's an elixir of life. Please take it. I never apologize for a meatball. Okay. Here, she gives you the elix for a meatball. Okay.

Here. She gives you the elixir of life, moderate. Thanks. Wait, could I just have that and I'll treat wounds for you or something? I'm quite hurt. Oh, okay. Sorry to interrupt. Oh, yeah, of course.

Here you go. Thanks. She needs your drink. Okay. I'll give it to you. Okay. I'll treat wounds. I've got six more, by the way, since we did rest.

Oh, I have one as well, but I just thought that was a good one. You know what, I'll just keep this. It's fine. I was trying to, you know, okay. Sorry, Suki just like stumbles through and goes to Aldo, can I have one, please? Yeah, no, here, no. I have one, please? Yeah, no, here. I have six hit points.

Yeah. No, yeah. You look really terrible. Please. I won't even consider that an insult. I am in this moment. Aldo is going to ask the question that they ask me

whenever I try to order a Coke at a Regal Cinema. Is Pepsi okay? You know what? I think that's worth the bottle count. Yeah! Pepsi is okay because he didn't lose any hit points, but Suki scoops him up and kisses him on the head.

And she says, I'm so sorry that I put you in that fight. That mean, mean Aldo made me do it. Now, wait a minute. I cast a very minor magical buff on him during the fight. I'm making an effort. I'm just hoping the snake does the same. Suki. Suki with black

elven eyes looks at Aldo and says, say thank you, Pepsi. And Pepsi and then curls up into her hair. Disappears. Right. And then curls up into her hair Disappears What? Makes you think, doesn't it? A boa constrictor curls up into your hair

Do you have no idea How big the snake is? Is your hair four and a half feet high? It is now Are you the pride of Frankenstein? If you were to crawl up in there, you would still see the entire snake. Marge Simpson ass hair.

It's going up. I have just a quick question. Have you ever Googled an image of a boa constrictor? I'm being serious. Have you ever seen one? Just take a look at one. I don't think you'll do that again. I have. They're huge. That's the joke.

What do you guys do? Atticus Atticus turns to Suki and his eyes are kind of like floating and seem distracted and he just seems a little like out of it and he's just like

why? Why did you and seemed distracted and he just seems a little like out of it and he's just like, why? Why did you fly in here? We told you we shouldn't not be exposing ourselves to this. We need to leave. We need to leave now. He's also down 27 hit points and he's stupefied

and he's all messed up. Suki, who felt out of it this whole fight, felt like she couldn't do anything, and she did fly in here and brought everybody down here. She says, I told you not to follow me. This is my fight that I didn't do anything in. Suki says this?

To no fault of my own. It's just the things, the spells that I have, I have to see them and the flesh walls created problems and Pepsi came into it. Anyway. Suki, it's foolish. You cannot do it on your own. You know that. None of us can.

We can barely do it all together. Do you... Do you... we can barely do it all together do you do you hear that yes and she takes a second and she wants you to listen yes I've heard it for more than a day

you don't understand the sound those screams are so familiar to me I heard them I heard them when Aleric died. I just have to know. Ethel, you must understand. You've

loved. You've lost. Here's the thing I've learned about love. I shouldn't have asked. No, don't. I shouldn't have asked, Ethel. Please, Ethel, please. No, honestly.

Now's not the time. Has anyone else loved? No, no, no, no, no. I think it's true, and I think it's right, and I think it's worth saying now. Love is the kind of thing, it seeps into your body and you think you think it's a good kind of seep

like sunscreen you coat yourself in it and you rub yourself in it but sunscreen washes away if you stay too long in the ocean. I just told you not to say anything! What is the ocean a metaphor for? Don't talk, don't listen to him.

Stop. Stop talking about love any time you want to. Stop. Don't. I'm sorry. Please apologize to Pepsi. What they don't tell you, Suki, is that love is a conditional thing. It comes and it goes.

Those who you trusted the most, those who should have loved you more than all will only love you if you are a certain way are something that they envision you as and if you fall short of that it vanishes like it was never there.

I think the sunscreen thing said all that. These are both equally unhelpful. You're both competing to be the most unhelpful person to give advice. I want to hear more about it. It's not a question.

It's not a question. I've actually thought a lot about it. Okay. It's not a question. The king in yellow is like, oh, the yellow king is like, please. You shut up. Please stop talking.

What in God's name are we doing? I need to get back to the caravan, sir. Okay, y'all. And we, I'm very tired and very sick. Sydney can't have a combat moment.

She can't have a role-playing moment. Do you understand that we could die at any moment? That this is no dream. Wait, what? At any moment. What did you say? This is no dream.

That wasn't the deal. Who said that? What's your name again? Who said that? Something that I... Stop standing so close. Sorry. Get away from me.

Do not stand behind me, sir. We passed through a gate into a land of dreams. And at some point, a point which I do not know, we passed through another. We are no longer in that land. If we die here, we die. Permanently. And I do not know how much further I can go on.

I do not know how much use I am to you. I could be gone at any moment! Can we go, then. Can we go then? Can we go, please? You look at me like I'm a leader and I've told you I am not. Also... If we leave, will you

follow? The doors are right there. They're right there! Also, our prisoner left. I don't know if anyone noticed. I was not surprised. Yes, I yelled out. It's true.

It's a good thing we didn't give her any of her weapons back. You've... I... Something they did to me has fractured my own mind. I don't feel confident that I will last with you all. I could drop at any moment. You should know that if you wish to go on. Aldo, what say you?

I'm loathe to lose you. You're the one person in the entire universe that I've run into that I know. That I even suspect might be real. But even still, I think we should move forward. Let's go. Come on. Well, then we go. And he pops the top off of this Elixir of life moderate that he has

Drinks it And Feeling completely Out of sorts and out of his own mind Possibly unable To cast spells Footnote I could not sleep with myself with this horribleness.

So I rolled five times. I had four major spell castings. Three passed. One failed. I spent my bottle cap and rolled it and got it. So we're good. We're good.

The man lives by a code. You want to know the real kick in the crotch? They were all like over 16, the ones that were successful. You may have your katana back. Thank you. Let's go. Yeah, it's going to be bad. But let's continue on

I'm with you, Aldo Let's go And Suki joins you too, Aldo She says, I'm with you, Aldo Thank you And she also asks for that potion And she's going to take one So these ones that you had before

They have expired I'm giving you replacements now Cool So, okay Of moderate, yeah? Yeah Dope You have saved me.

I trust your judgment. But just remember, we must away to the Caravanserai. With all haste, as soon as you are ready. In the meantime, I will stand back and try to live. Um, question for you. Me? Yeah. Yes.

Um, could you, like, hide or something? Ah, yes. Could you, like, hide or something? Ah, yes. I'll go behind this pipe. Can you see me? Yes. Right, I'll go a little bit further south. What about now?

Oh, yeah, now you're gone. Good. Well, there's perhaps something I could do. Come here, my king. What's that? No, never mind. It won't work. Let's go. Go back. All right, Ethel's gonna listen at the door. Okay, perception check.

Cracked eye. Okay, that'll be a 34. Silence. All right, I'm going to open this door. Suki, I'm doing this because I believe in love. Even though love is like sunscreen, yes, but love is also like a boa constrictor.

Pepsi, cover your ears. No, no, it's cool, because boa constrictors are cool, right? And they're cool, and they're big, and you wake are cool, right? And they're cool when they're, you know, they're big, and you wake up in bed, and sometimes they're in bed with you, and then sometimes they try to eat you. They strangle the life out of you. And they try to swallow you whole. Ethel, can you open the door, please?

Yes, sir. I keep telling him not to say anything. He doesn't listen. I have experience in this area. I know, it is terrible experience. You didn't take the right lessons from it. It was a terrible experience. I know.

Stop spreading your poison to everyone else. I believe in love. I don't think you do. I think you believe in love the way I believe in ghosts. Do you believe in love the way I believe in ghosts. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. I've seen them at work in your head. Suki just keeps looking at Eris nervously.

Like, she didn't mean to make this happen, but she keeps going... Every time, like, Ethel makes a new metaphor. I'm going to finally go in. All right, I'm going to find a good way. All right, I'm going to open the door. Everyone ready? Open it. I open the door.

Ethel opens the door. Sha-ga-ga-ga-ga. Sha-ga-ga-ga-ga. Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha. Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha. Ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. You see...

Copyright. You see an empty room with several unusual musical instruments hanging on hooks in this room. There's oddly shaped harps, irregularly angled woodwinds, and stringed boards. But beyond that, it appears to be empty with no means in or out other than the door that you walked in.

He's not here. Let's go. Perception check on the room. Natural two. All right, it's good. Let's go. No, no, no, no, no. These hags are down here. That was really hard. Eris goes up to the doorway and does her own

perception check before going in. Or like an occult check, because she's good at that too if that applies. Okay. I haven't rolled at all today. I forgot how to do it. 13. Am I rolling perception

or occult? You can roll occult. You're just trying to see if there's any occult significance. So that's 32. Ooh. 32.

Well, you do know that these moon beasts sometimes have unusual obsessions with musical instruments so it would make sense if this was their prison that they would have a room that was dedicated to these

strange woodwinds and what not but you've now as far as you know searched every room in this place and there is no no trace of Arknar, the other moon beast. Is it possible that you play one of the musical instruments, and it opens a door or summons the creature? I don't know, I read it in a book once.

Do I know that based off of my check? No, it's stupid. It's a stupid idea. No, I think it's just kind of like a cute little trait that these ugly, ferocious beasts have. They just like music. Alright, he's not here. Can we go? Yes, I suppose so.

What were you hoping to find in this room? I don't know. Answers, I suppose so. What were you hoping to find in this room? I don't know. Answers, I suppose. Is there anything magical in the room? Joe? And he's just looking at the back. Atticus is just looking at the back of the room, not at any of you. And he just sees his father, like in the distance.

Just looking at him and just smiling and shaking his head yeah this is what he's talking about when he's talking about conditional love so everything was about him being good at what he did and if he didn't live up to it his dad was a real piece of shit and so he's just like looking at him he said just yet again. And he shakes and turns when he hears you. The illusion vanishes. Atticus. Yes. What? What? He's not here. No, sorry. We were just asking if you could detect magic.

Yeah, I will try. And he will roll a flat check. And he got it. So he casts detect magic on the room. He casts detect magic and you look just at where that image of your father was. And as he dissipates, you realize that the entire wall behind him is giving off some sort of magical signature. Oh, interesting.

See, I told you we've got to press the right sequence of keys on the piano. Yeah, his eyes start to focus in. Oh, there is Suki. Yes, Suki. You're right, there is something here. Something behind this wall. This back wall you're talking about, right, Troy? Mm-hmm. There's something back

there. There's a secret to opening it. Put your heads together, and he'll start looking for... Jeez, if it's a puzzle or first of all i'll look for seams in the wall or something like that okay uh that is a 29 perception okay as you're looking there's something so familiar about this you look at wall, and you don't see any seams, but you feel it radiating magical energy,

magical energy that you're very, very familiar with. And as you walk up to the wall... Oh, nice! You touch it, and it's hard, and it's cold. But then your hand is able to permeate it and go straight through. It's an illusion, Michael. Yes.

And then he starts getting fearful. Did I do this? Did I... Did I put this here? No. Atticus. No, we just got here A chill runs through his blood An illusionist is here

Nothing you see could be real Anything could be Someone is manipulating us It is an illusion The wall at least What's on the other side of it, I don't know But they could maybe see us. Be careful.

Arm yourselves. And, yeah. Ethel will step forward and throw his hatchet through the illusion wall. I'm not joking. What is your perception bonus? My perception bonus? Yeah.

Plus 15. You throw the hatchet, and it sails straight through. It comes right back into my hand. Right through. Ethel, I think you could step through. All right. Can one of you just play a couple notes on the piano just so I get a little confidence? Look, look, let's think about this.

If there's something on the other side waiting for us, then it is probably best that we go quickly. Strike team style. Because whoever passes through the wall will still block our vision. So let's do it quickly. All right, fine. Okay, ready? Three, two, one, go.

Wait! Rah! Make sure Pepsi's in the front. Can I cast something on Ethel before he passes the ball? What do you want to cast? Haste. Haste, sure. Cast haste.

Is that rounds or is that minutes? Let me check my spoon. One minute. One minute, okay. You cast it on him, which is good because it is a hasty decision to walk through this wall. Give me a reflex save, Ethel. Oh. It's a trap.

It's a trap. Oh, no! I have to! 22. That is enough. Because as you step through, you realize it is a sheer drop straight to the ground. And you pull yourself back. The wall just opens up to the outside.

Oh my god. The king in yellow is like, what have you discovered? We must make haste. I already did. She did, literally. We must make haste. Already did. She did, literally. We must make more haste. Wait. She's only got so many castings per day.

We could use this. We could use this. It is a way out. Let's throw a rope. Let's just go. All right, Ethel will hastily, because he's hasty, remove a rope from his pack

and kind of like sling it around his shoulders and then lower it down out into the outside. Lower it down. We'll say, I'm going to hand wave some of this. You tie it around this big fucking woodwind and everybody starts scaling down. Tie it to the saxophone. Tie it to the saxophone.

Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-da! Perfect. Those were the magical notes we needed. I was right. The king of yellow says, all right, fine, as long as we can go, we can get to the landing pad from here. And one by one, you all climb down the rope,

and you go outside, and you start moving along the north wall of the prison. Everybody roll a perception check. We are cooking with gas now! Whoa. Natural four. Fuck. Natural two.

The gas ran out. We're just so excited to get out of here. 33. Oh! Larry! 25. 33. Oh! Aldo. Larry. 25. 25. Suki and Aldo and

the Yellow King. As you're running along the north side of the building into the direction of the landing pad, you look over and you see a body of a woman just like shattered and in a pool of a woman just like shattered and in a pool of blood.

Aldo, with your 33, you can tell that this is Kelved of Blix. Oh. And standing right next to her is Yafkef. And Yafkef sees you all starting to steal away and says,

Wait! Wait! you cannot just flee without finishing the job. You let her go and now you are trying to take my prisoner. Where is the body of Arknar? It's up in the room with the instruments. Lies. This was not part of the deal! You mashupra! And suddenly, Yathkef grows stiff. Uh-oh. And you see a seam run from the top of its head

all the way down its body, and it just flaps open like a side of beef. Beef? Beef? And all of its innards fall to the ground. And you're watching this and you just hear this weird, amelodic fluting start to fill the air. As a second moon beast slowly phases into view. And he looks at you and says,

Thank you, my friends. Though it cost me the lives of my allies, you have succeeded in learning this fool into my trap. And for that, you have my gratitude. My dear Orsophelius, before her untimely demise at your

hands provided me with a few choice magics to use in the event that Yathkef slipped. I took them for a fool, but they tried to rely on the help of dream travelers to attempt to assassinate me. He looks down at the body of Yathkep.

No such luck, old friend. As for you lot, you have two of my prisoners, and I'd like them back. We have two? One's dead, so that doesn't count. No. The yellow king and that witch.

What the fuck? Oh! Oh! Witch. What the fuck? Oh! Uh, you. I've never been here before in my life.

I... Are you sure? And Atticus is seeing, like, the poppet in the drawer and the whole... And he just turns and looks at her. Him I have plans for. But her... I thought she escaped when she disappeared a few weeks ago.

She belongs to me as well. You may look at us and think us monsters, but do you know of her crimes? Ethel turns, slowly swivels his head back toward hers. She's like looking at all of you like I don't know what he crimes. Oh. Ethel turns slowly, swallows his head back to her. She's like looking at all of you like,

I don't know what he's talking about. Like, honestly. Eris. You don't know, do you? We found her body in the ruins of the city once known as Sarnath. We were ranging among the ashes to see if there were any scavengers worth harvesting for our prison.

You see, the city of Sarnath fell hundreds of years ago. ago. But still the downtrodden will walk among the once opulent streets looking to loot and steal. We were looking for such scum. And then we found her.

She was deceased, but somehow untouched by time. The moonhags. Susan and Margaret. My God. They were not my friends, no. They were with me.

And they saw you so unceremoniously disposed of. And they cast a spell on you known as Talking Corpse to find out what your story was. How could there be a corpse And they cast a spell on you known as Talking Corpse. To find out what your story was, how could there be a corpse so undecomposed?

Apparently, after committing her most heinous of crimes, she began experimenting with magics beyond her control so that she could flee her realm and come to ours. She was trapped in the dreamlands until her death when the almighty Bogrog rose from the deep and enacted revenge upon the destroyers of Ib. Perhaps the gods meant that to be her punishment, but try as you might and he looks especially at Aldo and Atticus you cannot outrun your crimes it is my job

to judge the guilty and this was too great an opportunity to pass up an accidental traveler to our realm we brought her back here and revived her back to life and imprisoned her to conduct

our experiments and then a few weeks ago she simply disappeared. We searched her cell and found the scant remains of a human male and some planks of wood like you would find on a ship.

Oh no. But the witch was gone. I knew she was special and I am glad to see you have returned so that we may continue our work. Perhaps your new traveling companions here can keep you company, my dear. We need to rebuild.

After all, for what good is a prison without prisoners? And he pulls out his flute and just starts playing. And we'll see you next week. Asphal, you are awesome! Thank you! This was awesome!

What a show! Yeah, baby! We'll be back. Thanks for listening to the Glass Cannon Network. For more podcasts and live streams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com. And for exclusive shows and content you can't find anywhere else, subscribe today at patreon.com slash glasscannon. you