The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 80 – Real Pain Supernova

Episode Date: July 7, 2023

After returning to the caravanserai from the Dreamlands moon, the Yellow King leads the heroes toward the Mad Poet's oasis. Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Matthew Capodicasa, Sydney Amanuel, and Kate Stamas as they tour the country playing the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Pathfinder Adventure Path. Watch the video: https://youtu.be/UY24axBIKi0 For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com and for exclusive content and benefits, subscribe today at patreon.com/glasscannon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You are listening to the Glass Cannon Network, the premier source for role-playing game entertainment. Oh, baby! All right! All right! L.A. Joe! L.A. Joe! L.A. Joe! L.A. Joe! L.A. Joe! That is amazing! I love you, L.A. Joe! L.A. Joe! L.A. Joe! No, it's fine. Don't get up. How we doing, L.A. Don't get up. How we doing, LA? Boston in the house.

Oh, man. I'm going to lose my voice tonight. I'm going to get fired up. I got to match that energy. I think a lot of people bought tickets at the door. This is way more than was on our sheet this morning. You know, two nights from tonight, we're sold out in Seattle. And then a... Get excited for them. And then a couple months later, we're sold out in Indianapolis.

And we were, of course, sold out. So you can't in Indianapolis. Yeah, yeah. So you can't come. Yes. We sold out Boulder, Skid's hometown, earlier this year. Yeah. However, we are not sold out tonight. Yeah. So the show will be blacked out

in your local market. That's right. Guess the rest of our L.A. fans are too busy making it big in Hollywood to come see the old glass cannon sex. Well, to hell with them. More importantly, I'd like to thank everyone

who is here tonight. Yeah. They're making it sound sold out. I'll tell you that much And these are people who know That their LA dream died years ago And I appreciate that I appreciate that It must be such a relief To not to pretend you have to do anything

You got nothing going on So thank you For taking a night off from not getting auditions and pretending to write screenplays while you drink wine. Matthew. Enjoy the show.

I use whiskey. I'm always hard on the people in this business because I spend a lot of my life in there, but I've accumulated many actor friends over the years, and I only wish the best for people. I really do, even though it sounds like I don't. However, I'm a human,

and sometimes seeing people's dreams shattered is hilarious. We think we all enjoy a good social media car wreck. There isn't a person in this audience that doesn't enjoy a good social media car wreck. And the thing is, you used to be able to come out here and just fail quietly and then go back to the Midwest,

live with your parents, do dinner theater and nobody knew. But now with the Instabook and the Facegram, there's just a trail of tears for everyone to see. Just moved to LA. Got my first audition selfie. Got a call back.

Think this is going to be my big break. And then I'd like to announce my new career as a real estate agent. and I'd like to announce my new career as a real estate agent. Sojo just started working for Coldwell Banker. The reason I bring this all up is I have a new favorite. Weren't you a real estate agent? I was, yes. This is a biopic.

Because I know. This is the walk the line of Troy LaValle's life. There were many of us actors doing real estate at the time. But the reason I bring this up is I have a new favorite. Because I just love, I mean, I feel bad watching these poor souls crash and burn. But I have a new favorite. This girl I went to grad school with, she basically came out here with these pie in the sky dreams And now she's a certified horse masseuse

That sounds awesome Yeah I'm sure it's great What's wrong with that? There's nothing wrong with horse masseusery Clearly the horses need massages I know I understand It's way better than massaging people

Do you know how expensive grad school and acting classes are? I feel so bad for her parents They're like So how's old Susie doing in LA? Did she land any sitcoms yet? Well Susie's taking a break from acting I believe she beats off horses now Is that what she does?

Wait wait wait Isn't that right honey? Wait is that what she does? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Isn't that right, honey? Wait, is that what they mean when they say horse masseuse? I think she masturbates horses for money, right? Oh, oh, oh. Honey, is that right?

Mark, she doesn't beat them off. I'm gonna call her. I was gonna say, the social media, the social media breakdown has been extended

to a bunch of people laughing at her. I know. In Los Angeles. In person. Yeah, this is the true coda of that story is you telling it right now. And everyone laughing at her. She's fictitious. She's not real.

She'll never hear this. She'll never hear this, I hope. Thank God. I've changed the names. Her name isn't really Susie. It's Suzanne. That's your go-to? She'll see this and be like,

couldn't be talking about me. I don't know. How do you have a scarring horse? Oh, no, no, no, no. I think you don't know what a horse is. Holy shit. Horses aren't, they don't have like teeth. Troy doesn't know what a horse is. Holy shit! Horses aren't, they don't have like teeth. Troy doesn't know what a horse is.

Troy, you went to Columbia and you still don't know the undercarriage of a horse? Furthermore, Troy thinks that the cow's udders do something else. He thinks that you jack off the udders. Excuse me. He doesn't know. Those were the back legs of the horse. What did you think? It's working his way up.

Gotta get in there. Guys thought... He's easing the horse into it. Right. You know the horses are just like us. At the end,

they're kind of looking at the masseuse. Looking down at their gigantic situation. I got a knot down there, too, if you'd like to work it out. There's a five in my jeans. There's a tasty

Abraham Lincoln in my jeans. If you help me with that knot. Anyways, best of luck to all of you if you're still acting as a horse in your future. I have a Bant topic and it's a weird one that wasn't the topic?

no but I'm glad it fostered discourse everyone's googling horse masseuse horse masseuse I am I'm like what do they do? this is going to come back to bite me. There's a country song out now that I really like.

And it's the type of song that makes me want to be a better man. Do you ever hear music like that, Matthew, that just touches your soul? And you say, I want to change my life. I'm going to shave my beard. Does it involve horse masseurs? No, no, no. But I do want to write that song. That does sound... It sounds like... This is by Tim McGraw, and it's called Standing Room Only.

Does anybody know this song? Any country fans out there? No, this is a big American city. Oh, yeah, I listen to indie bands. I was at the Viper Room. Yeah, we're not doing the show on a farm. Where there's horse masseuses in the crowd Can I tell you about

Can I tell you about this song It's called Standing Room Only And the premise is like Live a life So when I die It's standing room only What's standing room only? The funeral

The funeral is standing room only Live a life So when I die I thought like the crime scene It's like Holy shit did you see what they did to that guy Oh my god Crowd in

You have to look at this There's no seats left At this crime scene I can't see what happened Explain it No it's the funeral You live a life that says Start forgiving and start forgetting

I'm a little worried Because a lot of our bands are about like It's the funeral. You live a life that says, start forgiving and start forgetting. I'm a little worried. Be somebody that's worth remembering. Because a lot of our bands are about death in a long-winded way, and I just, I'm a little worried about you. Well, the reason I bring this up is, I think if I were to drop dead today, don't, that is very rude.

That is very rude. What, you think this show is going to continue without me? We don't even have a thing in our contract for if one of us dies. But listen, I think that there would be some empty seats. And it's because I... Hold grudges? Are bitter? I don't hold grudges.

But I live in isolation. And COVID and moving away away I'm just like in my little hobbit hole I haven't fostered good friendships I don't think I think there would be a pretty empty funeral

if I were to die that guy ain't coming it's weird they play that at the funeral it seems it seems insulting. I have my own set list. It's all Christmas songs.

God, Jesus. Do you think... Let me ask you this. You guys think you're so much better than me. You think anyone's shown up to your funeral, Sydney? I wouldn't even come. Oh, my God. Here's why I bring this up.

Jesus Christ. If you want to start being a better man, treating her more nicely would be a good start. I have plans that day. Do you think they'd be standing room only at your funeral? You are so silly for thinking I would have a funeral like a freaking noob. What, did they just throw you in the sea?

It's 2023. I don't have to have a funeral. You know what I'm going to do? Here we go. Are you going to be wrapped in a mushroom net and buried under a tree? No, I read about that. Oh, my God, guys. Here we go.

Okay. I'm donating my body to science, but not in the normal way. I'm going to get a museum to agree to have my body in a clear plexiglass coffin with dirt and air filtration so bugs can come in and they're going to watch me decompose for a contract of five years for natural decomposition and there's going to be a little video of me from when I'm hot

and young and I'm going to be like hi, that's my body over there. My name is Sydney. Please enjoy. I've, uh... Yeah. We could just use this right now

for the video premiere. Well, even better than yours, you have to fucking buy tickets to see me. Are you kidding me? Well, now it's definitely not going to be standing room only. And, uh...

However, that sounds cool, and I think I'll come. Oh, thank you. Only in death will he condescend to come to your funeral. Yeah, we'll see. Only in death will you come to my funeral. That's how it works. It really depends where it's being hosted, what the weather's like, but we'll figure it out. If you can make it, no big deal.

I have three kids now. I'm very busy. Joe, would you... You think a lot of people would come when you die in a couple years? I don't care. I truly don't care. You don't care? I can't. I'd be dead. But what if you get to look down and be like, you don't

because there's nothing. There is nothing! That is so bleak. That's too bleak in a row, I think. That was good. Let's go over to the sunshine table over here. Kate? Yeah?

A lot of people showing up to your funeral? I'm never gonna die. to your funeral? I'm never going to die. Here we go. I'm living forever. What makes you so sure? Why would I die? She hasn't yet. That's so embarrassing.

She makes a good point. All right. You get a pass. Matthew, I know that you believe in nothing after this and that you're not even sad about death. So you won't be sad if I don't make it. I'll be dead. I'm with Joe.

I honestly don't care. Really? I'm going to come just to spot you. You might offend my children and my family. So tread carefully. Wait a minute. You're outliving me? Yes.

You are a very stressed person. Yeah, but he can do the most push-ups out of all of us. That's true. Do you do a lot of push-ups? Of course. He's pushing up about 86 pounds. That's true. That's a big difference.

It's like lifting two milk jugs. He can lift the most feathers out of anyone. Therefore, logically, he's dying less. All right, so don't worry about it. If I come, I come. Skid, let's be honest. There's a good chance we're all going to be at yours. Yeah, that's true.

I hope you guys come. I know I'll be the first to go. Oh, my God. I hope Samantha will be there. I hope you guys come. I know I'll be the first to go. Oh, my God. I hope Samantha will be there. I hope she'll be there. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

She's put up with a lot. I hope my sisters will be there, and maybe my nephews. That's why I keep buying them gifts. So we'll see. Who do you think will eulogize you? I'm hoping Barack Obama. I'm sure a lot of them.

Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. You've got to manifest that. Live a life. I see what you're doing. You can secret that. Live a life so that Barack Obama eulogizes you

at your funeral. There we go. That's what we should all aspire to. That's the second verse. You should listen to this song. It's a really good song. Sometimes I pull over on the side of the road,

and I'm like, yeah, I'm going to do better. This is not unusual, by the way. It is very common for Troy to sit us all down and explain the story of a country song and then ask our feelings about it. It's not for show. It's happened before. This is not the first time this has happened.

It's happened on other shows. You've done this. You've said this exact thing. I just want to share all forms of art with you guys, because I really, really like it. No, only country music. That drive from Charlotte to Asheville. Oh, yeah.

The music. We listened to Huey Lewis and the News. It was great. The whole time. Yes, it was the same six songs over and over. On repeat. Not the power of love again. The power of love.

Well, I think you should listen to that song and now I really want to listen to it. But you know what we're going to do instead?

We're going to kind of play Pathfinder. Yeah, baby. I got a good feeling about tonight. Oh, yeah. So let's get a little recap music.

Something that's L.A. based. Do you have an L.A. based musician that plays thematic recap music? Randy Newman. Randy Newman. Get out my Randy Newman. I love L.A. I love L.A.

I love L.A. LA. I love LA. Here we go. Give me some music. I'm bringing it up. I can't hear it. Wait five seconds. Shut your mouth. Classic Randy Newman.

Do better. This is a Newman. You can hear the horn section. You can tell by the chord progression. Classic Newman. Newman. All right, here's the recap. You ready?

Ready. It'd be short and tight. It'd be over faster than a horse's massage. Would you like a towel, sir? A beach towel? All right, folks, come on. It's early. It's late back home.

Our party has changed a lot since the first episode of this series that we did right here in L.A. in 2018. Five years ago, almost five years ago. Who was at the Bootleg Theater in 2018? Five years ago. Almost five years ago. Who was at the bootleg theater in 2018? Oh, amazing. Bottle cap. Bottle cap.

Bottle cap. Bottle cap. Bottle cap. Sadly, COVID killed the bootleg, and yet Matthew still lives. But two... Jesus. Jesus. But two Jesus Jesus

But two of the characters That were in L.A. in 2018 Are still with the party 79 episodes later Joe's character Atticus Can you believe it? And Skid's character Aldo Aldo

Yes And the two of them Can you believe it? And Skid's character, Aldo. Aldo? Yes, sir? Yes, sir? And the two of them have essentially spent 80 episodes searching for the whereabouts of one man. A man named Count Hazerton Lowles IV. They know that they used to work for him in some unsavory capacity, but at some point their memories were wiped and he placed them in an asylum. Over time, you've learned that this count is into some dark and dirty knowledge,

that he's traveled far away to the south in search of such knowledge, and that his travels even took him to the dreamlands where he met someone named the Mad Poet who shared knowledge with him that was so powerful, a piece of Lyle's mind fractured and remained in the dreamlands. And this piece refers to himself as the Yellow King. As far as you can remember, he looks like Lowell's, but he's very different.

This is not a real person. And up until recently, the Yellow King, who you met, by the way, as Joe pointed out to me earlier. I just also wanted to clarify, no one in the story is a real person. Just for anybody that was...

There's a lot of new people here. With that attitude, Joe. The Yellow King was imprisoned recently on the Dreamlands moon. So, everybody with me so far? I don't really care. Well, Atticus

and Aldo, along with their new traveling companion, Suki, Eris, and Ethel, went to the moon and broke the Yellow King out of jail. All of you have now boarded a giant flying dinosaur, a creature called a

Shantok. Her name is Sybil. You've boarded the Howdah on her back, and you are now heading from the moon back to this desert caravanserai, where presumably the Yellow King will now be taking you to the Mad Poet. Because you have walked in Lyle's footsteps and procured six out of the seven gifts that Lyle's obtained in order to even gain an audience with the mad poet.

However, moments ago, you were told by one of the wardens of the prison that your pal Eris, played by weird neck girl over here. Yeah, neck mouth! Kate brought a prop! The neck mouth! I was gifted a neck mouth today.

Oh, amazing. It's gorgeous. We have a neck mouth friend in the audience. It is gorgeous. Oh, yeah. Awesome. I love Ellie. I love Ellie.

I got a neck mouth. So this is my personality now. Just a couple neck mouths out on a Thursday night. Well, the warden tells you that your pal Eris used to be a prisoner in the Lunar Prison. Eris, of course, has no memory of this. The Moonbeast warden you encountered said they found Eris's body, oddly preserved, in the ruins of the city of Sarnath. Now, Sarnath was a dreamland city that you all visited during one of your dreamland excursions.

that you all visited during one of your Dreamland excursions. It's there where you met Eris, who had apparently become trapped in the Dreamlands after experimenting with some wild magic in her homeland, a place called the Man of Wastes. And I hate when you talk when I'm talking. And you fucking do it. Dude, I don't need... Every single recap.

I don't need the recap. I was there. Joe, who do you think he's talking about? But when you do that, they stop listening. They can't hear us. We're talking. Not coming to your funeral. Great. Now he's gonna kill me. Thanks, guys. Tattletales.

Great. You promise? Yeah. Yeah, I feel like if you come A lot of people might not come So This recap has gone to shit Yes There's so many names of weird places

You're not going to know what the hell's going on So you met Eris in this place called Sarnath While you met her there in the Dreamlands, you find out that she doesn't belong there. She belongs in your world, but she doesn't know how to get back. Meanwhile, a great old one named Bokrug came into this Dreamland city and destroyed it. It was like the

apocalypse. So when you die in the Dreamlands, you just wake back up. So you all woke back up on your boat, but Eris was with you this time. So something in perhaps meeting her pulled her back into your world. However, something in that transition made one of your companions, who was locked away in the brig, Halster, disappear. His jail cell was replaced by a chunk of perhaps Eris's homeland, the Man of wastes. Meanwhile, the moon beast tells you that

when Eris was a prisoner of theirs, she simply disappeared one day, and all that was left in her cell was chunks of wood that looked like they belonged to a boat, and the skeletal remains of a human man. So, you start to put together that when Eris died in the dreamlands with you, she was pulled back into the material plane, but when that happened, a piece of the homeland that she knew came back with her into the material plane, but then it seems that Halster and a piece of the boat

went back into the dreamlands and Halster died. Do we... Perhaps... Have we done DNA testing? We have not. But what's really odd is that are there multiple Erises? Did Halster's skeletal remains replace some

version of Eris that was rotting away in her cell? What is real? What is not? You don't know. But the most important part of all this is the moon beast said that Eris Initially tried to escape the man of wastes Because of her great crimes So, you've got a ten hour trip From the moon back to the desert

What are you guys going to talk about? Start forgiving and start forgetting I feel like we're in that Like hutch thing And everyone's on one side and then Eris is on the other side And they're just staring at each other Yeah Before we

Get into the role play I'm down 100 hit points Come on you'll be fine That's what we were whispering about We were trying to figure it out for you, Matthew. Oh, you only had a month to figure this out. I'm a fan of the four. I just want to be clear, I'm a fan of the whispering. He gets me every time.

It's every single time. He does it on purpose. I hate you, you know. Clearly. So... What are you guys doing? Anyway. Atticus isn't talking about anything.

At least in the early part of the ride. Because Atticus is asleep. We're resting. He passed out. It's been a day. Casted every spell in his repertoire and is stupefied too. He's cursed! So he's in bad shape.

And he just... As soon as that thing gets moving, like, you know when you're really tired, and you get in a car, and it's just like everything just shuts down, like, can't keep your eyes open, that's what he does. That happens when I'm driving.

It's like, we got a four-hour drive, and I'm like, I'm tired. All right, so Atticus passes out. You're cursed. One of you is doomed as well, I think. That would be me. Okay, but if you sleep, you're doomed. You're doomed.

We'll go away. So what are you talking about, if anything? I do. You guys want to do it in character? Sorry, I was looking through my items in my bag of holding or whatever. Yeah, we can do it in character. Hello, Ethel. Hi.

Just checking in, your head is bleeding profusely. I just want to make sure you're still alive. Are you okay? I'm still alive, though I am gripped with thoughts of my own doom and demise. I hear you, I hear you. More than usual. That's not good. You're quite sad already.

All right, in all seriousness. I'm just thinking about the nature of love, that's all. Dear God. And she looks at Eris as he says it. She's like, this is so hard for everyone. This is so awkward. Two people in the party start getting close.

Because you say things to each other and you think the other person means them like the way you mean them. Right. No, of course. Atticus thoughts, fuck, you're asleep. Alright. Aldo, any help? Aldo is just sitting

For anyone who has seen the K-drama Cunning Single Lady There's a character in that show Named Nyra And she has this habit of seething Just like grinding her teeth And looking super angry And that's what Aldo is doing right now for the

entire trip without speaking. Why is he so angry? Because she killed his best friend, he thinks. Eris. I don't know, maybe you can't relate, but that would make me angry. Yeah. Troy doesn't have

how you say, friends. I know, or feelings. I'm just trying to frame it in terms that Troy can understand. I'll listen back later. It'll make sense. Ethel, I'm able to heal you, but I wouldn't be able to sleep. Not out of caring, like I just would have to keep healing you for ten hours. I do care, but she looks at Eris. What am I saying? Miss, if I'm... Well, I have some elixirs of life, Ethel.

So she, like, takes them out and kind of, like, rolls them over. This is so awkward. Not sure who hates me right now. I don't know how to feel. Says Ethel. I'll drink the elixirs of life. It's a two moderate and one lesser If you want all of them I mean I can treat wounds on you

I just would love to not do it for ten hours Because then I don't sleep And then I don't get spells back Are you saying I wouldn't be a good hang? That's what I heard No, no, I'm just You know, it's been a really... Is there something about me and the things I talk about

that irritate you in some ways? Hold on a second, hold on a second. Imagine a doctor, and someone is bleeding to death on a table. And they're like, Doc, we gotta go with this all night to save this person's life And the doctor's like, I can do 90 minutes

And then I have to get my 8 hours If he's that well by then That's it, I've washed my hands I did my best I need my 8 hours Again, I will say I have a wedding tomorrow You have to wake up early

I made a cleric Troy killed her I made a wedding tomorrow. You have to wake up early. I made a cleric. Troy killed her. I made a druid. She's not a cleric. But I can heal you. So take those potions. Let me know where you're at, pimp, doggy. And then I can get you back up.

And then I would like to nap. Take a little nap. I'm also down a little bit. I just want to say. The doctor's also bleeding, and the doctor's like... I'm also wounded. Doctor, heal thyself. I could try to soothe you a little, Sugi, if you want, or not.

It's cool. I would love to be soothed. Honestly, it would be really nice to be soothed Honestly it would be really nice to be soothed She comes over to your side of the Whatever we're in She's like there there Pets you She soothes while I seethe

There there Suki And you get Dice dice dice Math math There, there, Suki. And you get dice, dice, dice. Math, math. Seven points of evil power. This is going to take so long. Thank you. It's better than nothing.

We'll say the Yellow King. Oh, I forgot he was there. Yeah, he's there, too. All right. What's he doing? I'm going to move this along. He nudges Atticus awake. Hey.

Hey. Hey. What time is it? Over there, yes. Sorry to wake you. Your friends are weird. Yes, yes, I know It's been a very long, very long journey

Are you going to be prepared to take this audience with the mad poet? This is kind of a big deal Indeed, yes, we will I have been doing a lot of reading Laos had a trove of information Aldo and I have been studying for what seems like months. We are close, and with the gifts we have, he could not possibly refuse us. And how many gifts was it again?

Look. You seem like a nice fellow. Don't get judgy. I just want to make sure that you're putting your best foot forward. Six out of the seven. We missed one, but only because

it was in the hands of a god! I'm feeling better. Oh, Ethel. You're feeling well. Sugi, you can go to sleep. When I said that that idol was in the hands of a god, of course I meant you. Because it was in your hands. You just dropped it. When I died?

If you're going to be technical about it, then yes. Listen, there was nothing in my contract about stealing items from gods. No, no, you're right. And you've been very good about not constantly mentioning your contract. I've worked with a lot of freelancers and it's further exhausting. What do you know of the mad poet?

Only nothing. Good. Well, we know... Is he the writer... If it is a he, the writer of a book, the Necronomicon, is that the mad poet? Yes, Laos's knowledge and memories

are piecemeal in my mind, so I remember certain things. I believe it was more than a millennium ago, a scholar by the name of Abdul Alhazred rose to prominence

as a court poet on the distant planet known as Earth. Whoa. You hear Earth. Yeah, Aldo perks up. Abdul traveled wildly, widely into unexplored regions,

widely and wildly. Wild. Ah! Ah! Sir, please take your seat. RTSA free check! Get out of my way! He went to many unexplored...

Many unexplored regions, including the empty quarter of the Arabian Desert, wherein he discovered and explored Irem, the city of pillars and the nameless city, all the while accumulating lore that humanity was never meant to know. These hidden cosmic truths eventually drove Abdul insane, and it was at the height of

his madness that he scribed this dreaded book of occult lore. It was later renamed the Necronomicon, but it was initially called the Kitab al-Azif. And that book became his most infamous legacy. However, with Abdul's insanity, also came power.

Power to travel far beyond Earth. Once, while right here in the Dreamlands, Abdul met the cunning deity, Nearlath met the cunning deity Nearlathotep. In Nearlathotep, the crawling chaos allowed Abdul to glimpse the mad god Azathoth at the center of all creation. And that encounter resulted in a dream duplicate

that lived on long past Alhazred's death. In a way, his birth here was similar to mine, though that is where the similarities end. This dream incarnation of Alhazred has lived in isolation in the barren, remote parts of the dreamlands for over a thousand years, constantly reborn as a middle-aged man, following the increasingly rare instances when death attempts to take him. He is known to be haughty and aloof, and prefers to spend his time in contemplation or transcribing secrets his meditations reveal, only to then destroy those

secrets in fits of jealousy, fearing that someday others may read his truths. He is a trickster, and does not like his privacy to be interrupted. But he has been known to react favorably to those who come bearing

unusual gifts or esoteric knowledge. You say you have six of the seven? Yes, that should be enough, yes. Yes, I'm sure six of the seven will be fine, yes. And he just starts muttering to himself, six. It will have to be, your majesty. Yes.

The seventh gift is beyond us. The count had all seven, but I'm sure six will be fine. No. I do not believe he did. That last gift was unreachable. I was there. Mechanically impossible. I counted the gifts.

There were definitely seven. Is there anything we have with us that we might be able to fashion a seventh gift? No, no. That's stupid. No, no That's stupid I have a plus two Vorpal scimitar I could give him

No, no, no, no We need that Well, it's gonna disappear when we wake up anyway I could also whittle him something We are never waking up Well, I can make him a poppet Maybe you can whittle something And I'll put a soul in it

I'd say stick with the six gifts that you have. Start there. Yes, the Yellow King made it clear he is not the yes and type. It was a flat no. Mr. King, Mr. Yellow. Mr. King? That's how you address a monarch. Please, please.

I've never met a noble in my life. I don't know. My father's Mr. King. You may call me. First name Yellow, last name King. That's how it works. Excuse me. I have a question for you.

Yes, get to it. Unnecessarily rude I know We have eight, ten hours of this thing There's no need to rush We realized in the prison That perhaps if we were to die In the dreamlands It would translate to our bodies

Out of the dreamlands Is that the case? Yes The woman Calveta Bricks out of the dreamlands. Is that the case? Yes. The woman, Calveta Bricks, shared this information with you, yes? Thank you. I'm also asking if it carries over until now. Was it a prison thing, or...?

Well, for many people who visit here, death is not really death, but an awakening to their home plane, like what you experience. I don't believe that option works for someone like me, as it were. Those like me who were born here just cease to exist. But, yes, I believe she revealed a truth to you. It's not funny. Sorry, I think I'm allergic to the bedding in this house.

It's just a little sneezy. Good night. Oh, I'm still answering your question. Oh, sorry. It's very rude to fall asleep during an answer to a direct question. It was a little long-winded. It did go on for a while, but still. You took such a pregnant pause. Yes, I did.

I thought it was over. Because you were laughing at me. There are people whose powers extend beyond the rules here, and the mad poet is one such person. Wait, so he's unkillable, you're saying? I didn't say that. You want me to kill the madman? No, I'm saying...

Be clear about what you're asking us. I'm saying that his power is far beyond that of mortals and most gods. The energy he exudes will no doubt bend everything you know of this place. You say you procured six out of the seven gifts, right? You don't have to say it like that. I'm sure that will be enough, but I urge you to treat him with the utmost of respect. He is not a being to be trifled

with, and yes, I believe, should you perish in his presence, I am certain you will not return to your bodies. Where would we go? Where would we go? That's a really good question.

It's a great question. If you answer this question, that's huge. Yeah, we're all kind of thinking it. There are some who believe there's an afterlife. Others think you just go to nothing. Either way, I will not come to your funeral.

Your Majesty, I have a bit of an indelicate question. Please, I'm ready. I think it's just going to affect the way we carry ourselves in this meeting. Go on. The mad poet. Yes.

His poetry. Is it good? Oh. It is not poetry in the conventional sense. So that means no, right? It's bad. It's bad. It's bad. Okay, well.

Does he space everything out on the page to make it interesting, but then when you read it, you're like, that's nothing. That's nothing. I'm gonna let you judge for yourself. I think that everyone is allowed to do their thing. Good night. Good night Good night

Does anybody else need healing though? I'm actually pretty tired And hurt I was in solitary confinement for weeks You ran from the fight You didn't get hit at all I know but I scraped my knee on the prison floor Could you take a look at it?

And he lifts up his pantaloons. Pantaloons. It looks, it doesn't, it is not even a scratch. It might be a bruise. It hurts so much. Do you want me to take a look? No, I want her to. Okay, I'll put a band-aid on it, make it better.

Is that good? Are we good? Yes, that's better. Okay. He puts his pantaloon down. I'm tired. Gonna go sleep on that side. He's sucking his thumb in the corner. This guy is weird.

This figment of someone's brain is weird. All right, anything else you want to do on this ten hour trip? Yeah, I just want to seethe For nine hours, whatever's left But in a way that you can still rest and recover Yeah, I'm going to sleep and dream about seething Okay As I'm asleep Atticus is going to, you know,

doze for a little while longer and then he's going to wake back up again and there's just these things bothering him about this upcoming encounter and he wakes up the Yellow King. Ah, mommy! Mommy! This

mad poet, does he assume danger at all costs? Is he so arrogant that he feels he could not be attacked? What I mean is, will there be some sort of defense mechanism, guards, anything like that? Or will an audience be relatively easy? Just the success of it in question. I do not know for sure.

He probably already knows of your coming. He can see it. So he would not fear us? Merely laugh at us? No, no, no. And the land around him is infected by his presence, which makes me all the more certain what your friend had mentioned,

that your death would be... Hokusho, Hokusho, Hokusho, Hokusho. She sleeps like an angel. Permanent. Understood. And he's just, yeah, paranoid and frightened, and he goes into his spell book and begins preparing his spells

and it's just hard to think about what to prepare for this encounter. But he's going to err on the side of violence. A lot of violence. Because he knows he's preparing spells for a podcast. Right. Alright, so Because he knows he's preparing spells for a podcast.

Right. All right, so you continue flying from the moon to this caravan Sarai. You heal up, you rest, you seethe. And eventually Sibyl lands. Instead of landing on the second floor where you met her, And eventually Sybil lands. Instead of landing on the second floor where you met her, she lands, maybe the Yellow King directs her over there, and she lands in front of the building.

And you all disembark and wave goodbye, and Sybil turns and says, Thanks for the lasagna. You're very welcome. And then she flies off, hoping that she will reunite with her brother someday. The yellow king is straightening his cape. He looks like a fool, like he's dressed in a curtain,

a yellowed curtain. He's just trying to straighten his hat and everything. He says, I must thank you once more for rescuing me. Though there are days I grow weary of this place, I thought I would spend the rest of

my life in that quiet cell on the moon. And then he reaches into his cape, and almost like a magic trick, a tray comes out with a full tea set on it. And he places it down on the ground and as he does there's a table there that wasn't there a second

ago. And he's like yeah. And he pours five cups and one for himself, a sixth cup. He pours six cups and he says, yeah, the journey ahead of us will take us directly into the most extreme heat of the desert.

Drink this and you will be protected from the severe heat for at least 24 hours. Trust me, it is far too hot. Drink my fucking tea. And he looks at Suki. I made this one special for you. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me take a look at Suki. I made this one special for you. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me take a look at that first. I was going to swap them.

Princess Bride style with all the drinks. I'm accustomed to Iocane powder. I would like to do an alchemical lore check on this tea. Thank you. Sure. You're welcome. 29. Ooh. this tea. Thank you. You're welcome. 29. Ooh!

Yeah, you feel pretty confident that it is a strong tea of like, endure elements to be able to actually withstand the heat. This is chamomile. You can drink it. Safe. This is very kind. Stick your pinky out,

like he's doing. I'm very proper. Yeah. A toast to the most important day of your life. Wouldn't it be so funny if this tea killed us? It'd be awesome. It'd be so dope. What a funny way to die.

What a silly way to die. He waits a little too long staring at you. All right, let's go. And you start walking from the Caravanserai into the desert. Do you got some good desert music there, O'Brien? Of course I do, dude. A little Lawrence of Arabia shit.

Any Randy Newman desert tracks? Perfect. Yep, that's desert music. The silence of the desert. The vast, unending silence Yeah, I hear the sand It's great There it is

A desert wind You walk For hours Through the desert Taking your shirt, wrapping it around your head. Doing all that desert stuff. Yeah. All those desert shit.

This guy knows about the desert. Desert cliches. Like hardcore desert shit, man. Real fucking desert shit, man. Yeah. You dig a hole in the ground and start fucking it. That's right. Desert shit, man.

Desert shit. Been out here too long, man. That's what I do in the desert. We all saw Dune. You guys remember that scene? Yeah. Where they dig a hole in the ground and fuck it. No, we have not all seen Dune, Sydney.

Oh, sorry, Kate. I forgot. It was a deleted scene. It was a deleted scene. You didn't see when Maud Deep fucks the desert? That's right. But you really love the desert, you know? The whole movie's an allegory.

I mean, it's like very interesting. It's like, take my water. Yeah. It's a really funny Dune joke. That's a really funny Dune joke. You should explain to them why. Really funny Dune joke. So, yeah to them why. Really funny dune joke. So yeah, you do all that stuff

for hours. Just occasionally. Hours and hours. The Mad King is instructing us on the ways of the desert. It's very, very R-rated. The Yellow King is very nervous the whole time and he's very

talkative, asking you about your dream quests and sort of making you relive everything that you went through when you went to all of these strange places, all these courts, the drug den and everything, retrieving these gifts. And you realize that he's just trying to, like, fill the space with words

because he's nervous, and he's constantly saying, it's six gifts, right? You got six? He's constantly needling you about that. Not seven, right? Six. Six hours you're walking through the desert, and up ahead... An hour for every gift.

An hour for every gift. Up ahead you see... Thank God this isn't Hanukkah. We'd be out here... You see a huge dune A huge sand dune That actually obscures Your view beyond it And the yellow king

Stops Maybe a hundred feet away from the dune And he Points And he's like stops, maybe a hundred feet away from the dune, and he points. He's like, just past this dune here is the Mad Poet's Oasis.

I can accompany you no further. Why not? Those are the rules. However, I will wait For you here Should you When you return Right past that dude

Ethel buries his hatchet In the oven I was supposed to do that, right? I'm kidding. You with the seventh gift. Hold on. We are holding the head of a king. This dragon is corpse

by the wood over the sand. Unless, I think this is a good idea. It's the rules. Yes, I think this is a good idea. A kingly gift indeed. Just put him over there with the other kings. Yeah, throw him over the rest. Swing him out of the pile. Just a pile of dead kings. Throw him on the pile.

You solved my riddle. Put your coat to the bedroom. You're all staring at this dune. Completely obscures the horizon and the land beyond it. It stretches half a mile wide. It's climbable. And he's just pointing. And his hand goes down.

Can I just point out that this gentleman in the front row is wearing a shirt that just says Arrakis Hell yes Ascetrates, hell yeah This is perfect Did you know this was gonna happen? Oh yeah I guess you can just read

what's gonna happen if you want to So yeah, Atticus is like Well then let's be done I guess you can just read what's going to happen if you want to. So yeah, Atticus is like, well, then let's be done with it. And he begins walking across the sand toward the dune. And if no one follows him, he stops and says, Ethel, get in front of me. Ethel jogs up, kicking up sand behind him as he goes. We'll begin moving toward the dune.

You begin moving toward. Is it a dune? We can go around, or does it look like we go up? Gotta go up that dune. Oh, I love it. Love it! I love going up a dune! Love going up a dune!

Yeah! You gotta really picture it. I can see this so clearly. Yeah. The desert music really helps me. That really takes you there. Yeah. But I love Lawrence of Arabia.

I love that movie. And yeah, right. And just picturing, I love the desert stuff. That's great. As you're walking up that dune, your foot sinking further in and the sand falling out behind you and slipping almost as you try to scale it. It's awesome. I see it as the wide shot cinematic one

of all of us in a line. And you see your footsteps. And the dresses are flowing in the wind and Pepsi, my snake, is flowing in the wind. Yeah, exactly. He can travel on an arrow, so he I wear him like a scarf

and he just like flaps. Yeah, I love this sweeping wide shot of all of you walking up. It's like Lawrence of Arabia or Journey, the video game. Yes, Journey, the video game. Can we do one of those shots, please, where it's so far away that you have to,

for a second, you're like, where are they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. To see the scope of the landscape. It's so impossibly massive. We didn't sell enough tickets. We can't. We'll save that for the Seattle show. It's not their fault. They came.

Yeah, wait. You can't blame them for people who didn't come here. Maybe bring some more friends next time. They brought their significant others who don't listen to the show and are here under protest. I can't believe you've gotten them to boo us like four separate times. What are you doing?

There still are people emailing me about what you said about Boulder and Denver. Still people are angry. Explain to them the making water joke. Okay. You climb the dune. Takes us so long to do anything. You climb the dune.

I assume that we're right where you expected us to be at this point in the show. Yep, 902, perfect. Nailed it. You climb the dune, and when you get to the top, you see there are two other massive dunes ahead. Oh no! For God's sake!

Come on! Listen, listen, but it creates a valley below, and there's a glistening pool in the valley between these three dunes. So the other two dunes are like off to the side. You don't need to climb them. You're going to be climbing down into this valley, and the reason you're going to climb down into this valley is next to the glistening pool is a small wooden hut.

And on the way to the hut, the only other thing that dots the landscape is an immense tree with these large lumpy fruits that are hanging near the ground. It's large enough that it gives shade to both the pool and the hut. And right when you crest the dune, there's this sweet smell emanating from the oasis. No. And Aldo and Atticus, you have this out-of-body moment where this seems so familiar to you. What?

What? What? What? Like we've been here before. Have we been here before? What do you do? Well, first Atticus is going to look for imperfections in the scene

from an illusionist standpoint, thinking perhaps a mirage. This is classic. So he's going to look for any clue or indication that what he's seeing is not really there. Okay, give me a perception check, and also... How about a will set? No, I want a perception check.

Okay, okay. 24. You're a smart guy. Good character, not you. And he's not even that smart. But you think to yourself, had you not drank that tea, then there would have potentially been some sunstroke that would have possibly created these mirages.

You don't see anything in the landscape that screams illusion to you, and you also know that you're really not under the effects of the environment to create that, you know, brain situation. Right. That's why he's the best master improviser, Troy LaValle. I feel like it's a brain situation.

It is undoubtedly a brain situation. It is undoubtedly a brain situation. Yes, clearly a brain situation. You sound like a doctor. It's a brain... I'm sorry, ma'am. It's a brain situation. Like a passage from Tolkien himself. What do you do?

What? Can we identify the smell? No. Okay. Well, wait, hold on. It's just sweet. Do we smell it? We all smell it. You all smell it. Okay.

What's that smell? It smells sweet. It smells sweet. Is it candy? Is it candy? Is it the water? Is it the water? Let's go find out. Is it fresh? Is it the water? Is it the water? Let's go find out.

Fresh muffins? Atticus will start walking down. Me too. Aldo. I'm sticking close by Atticus. I feel strange. We've seen this before. I feel stronger.

No. I just feel familiar. This is something familiar. Suki says to Eris, Hell yeah, this is a mirage. Let's go. This is going to be hilarious when we get down there. This is going to be so fun.

She's just happy someone's talking to her right now. Yeah, yeah. Let's go. No one has talked to Eris for the past nine and a half hours. Hey, Suki didn't know about any. I mean, she doesn't have any allegiance to anything, really, with you guys. And apparently you're watching YouTube. Like, you guys have your secrets, too.

We totally do. Yeah, you guys don't talk about stuff. No, but neither one of us killed either one's best friend. You don't know that I killed someone. You also don't know that you didn't kill each other's best friend. I don't know that for sure, but I'm a lot more sure that I killed someone You also don't know that you didn't kill each other's best friends I don't know that for sure But I'm a lot more sure that she killed my best friend Than I'm sure that I didn't kill either one of our best friends

I think that clears it up Yeah Everybody roll a perception check As you approach Yeah, what did everybody roll for their perception? 32. 32. What do you make of this brain situation?

32. 32. 20. I'm having a real brain situation over here. 21. 23. I'm way too into having a friend right now. Okay.

Yeah. 19. Suki's like asking Eris about Alaric, trying to see if she like remembers anything from the prison, so she is not looking. She's just like kind of trying to get gossip out of you. Okay.

You start coming down, and there's really only one route, it seems, that's safe coming down the dune, because certain parts of it are steep, so you're coming like around towards the south of the pool next to the tree, kind of looping around in the direction of this hut. And all of you, except Suki,

are sort of mesmerized by this tree, the fruits that are hanging from it. They're so strange looking, and the closer and closer you get, you realize that they're not lumpy fruits. They're actually human heads. Oh! So cool.

So cool. And if that wasn't bad enough, you realize you recognize all of the heads. Every single head? On this tree. We all recognize? Let's go to the map real quick. Oh, okay. Let's go to the

motherfucking map. Whoa. Joe, show me the map. Show me the map. It looks really nice. You like that? That's Davey Maps. Oh, don't Davey Maps! Oh, nice.

Don't Davey Maps! Let me show you this situation here. Oh. This is what it looks like. Oh. Oh, my God! Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

You see every single one of your traveling companions. It's everybody from the tour! Holy shit. Every single person that has been a part of your party since the beginning of this adventure. Jesus Christ, Angeline. Angeline! Angeline! Wow.

Crushing it. Who's that guy on the bottom? I don't remember you guys talking about him. Hardy Har. He looks kind of like a loser. He's a real... He's a real loser. And you see this, and it is so jarring because each of you see not only friends from your past,

allies from your past, you see yourselves up there as well, and that sweet, sweet smell that you've been smelling since you crested the dune becomes more powerful and more powerful. Roll for initiative. Oh! Oh, no! I was not expecting that! becomes more powerful and more powerful. Roll for initiative.

Oh! Oh, no! I was not expecting that. Are you ready, LA? Fired up. They are small, but they are mighty. Bunglebee's on the tree. Bunglebee's on the tree. Everybody's on the tree.

Everybody's on the tree. Pepsi's on the tree. You're on the tree. Everybody's on the tree. Pepsi's on the tree. You're on the tree. Pepsi's on the tree. You're on the tree. Aldo, what did you get for a niche? Hey, geez. I got a 18.

18 for Aldo. 18 for Aldo. Ethel Merman. 18 for Ethel Merman. Oh, gross. Natural three. Oh, dear. What about you, Neckmouth?

19. 19. Oh, man. Natural three. Oh, dear. What about you, Neckmouth? 19. 19. Oh, man, these are terrible rolls. These are... This is a good time to roll, Shitty. Sure. What about Atticus? Atticus, 24.

There you go. Middle of the road. Suki. 25. Wow. The highest, but not great. Real, real bad. Question.

Yes. Did we get a hero point at the beginning of the session? What do you guys think? Should I? I mean, let's leave it up to the people. I think we did. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this.

Who doesn't want me to give them a hero point? I think there were more people that didn't. I heard more nays, I think. You know what? I'm trying to be a better man so people will show up for my funeral. You all get a hero point!

You get a hero point! You better show up. I'm being frozen. Who am I kidding? Troy, real quick, though. Can you change that to a 27 for me? I forgot I have incredible initiative. Your initiative is incredible. Thank you.

27, huh? It's too late. I already put it in. Okay. No, it doesn't matter. The tree. Everybody roll a will save. What?

Yup. Yup. Yup. This is gonna be bad, man. I don't even wanna roll it. I don't even wanna roll it. I don't wanna play. I don't wanna play. God damn.

Stop forgetting. Stop forgetting. What did you roll? Aldo. Natural one. Oh, no! The most natural of ones. Would you like to use the hero point you got seconds ago?

I will. I will. All right, natural seven. That is a 22. Okay. Ethel? 25. A little bit better.

You guys stink. Eris? I got a natural 20. Four and 35. Would you like to use your hero point To get away You know what You definitely are nicer lately No

Did you hear that I think somebody's coming to my view Joe we'll wait for you Because you look sad Suki 35 35 for Suki Big girl

Okay And Joseph 24 Okay That's not bad That's not bad It's a definite fail Okay Hey, girl. Okay, and Joseph. 24. Okay. That's not bad. That's not bad. It's a definite fail.

Okay. He's trying to be nice. Critical success over here. You are completely unaffected. And you are the only one that is unaffected. Oh, no. Now, Suki, you succeeded. Okay.

You are distracted by the tantalizing scents that are coming off of this weird head tree. Sounds accurate. You are stupefied one for one round. Oh, great. This isn't going to matter. It's not terrible. This isn't going to matter at all. And the rest of you failed.

That would be Aldo, Ethel, and Atticus. You are stupefied two. Oh, come on! And, oh, this is so bad. In this round, you have to move to the closest square adjacent to the tree via the most direct route possible. Oh, no. Bypassing any obvious hazards or enemies that are in the way. So you have to use a move action or two, however it is,

to get as close as possible on your round. And you are stupefied, too. I'll allow it. What if I'm already stupefied, too? Wait, that one lasts. That's a curse that lasts forever, right? Until you get restoration. So that one supersedes this.

So you still have to move towards it, but you don't become like Stupified 4. And you're stupid too. Already stupefied too. Okay. We're already real dumb. Okay. Real, real dumb. And stupefied has some other bullshit to it, right?

It's bad for casters. Oh, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't call it bullshit. I'd call it game-breaking awfulness that ruins your character so you can't have fun anymore. Some people might call it that as well. Anytime you cast, you have to do a flat check. Yeah. Flat check.

It encourages you to not play your game. Right. Okay. Well, the tree will then move. Oh, no. Let's take one more look at that. Oh, God. Oh Oh no. Let's take one more look at this. Oh god. Look at Santa, king of the zoogs.

Up top, babe. Is Eris' hair wrapped around Ethel's neck on the tree? It sure is. Oh, wow. I didn't think anyone knew about that. Round one has begun. It is now Suki's turn.

Suki, you succeeded, but you did not critically succeed. What do you do? Suki. Suki. I think Suki was distracted. She had terrible perception, and I think she kind of turns around and sees that this tree is now moving. Not good.

And she is going to draw her short bow, and she is... Let me just see if I can reach it, though. Hopefully I can. I can. Oh, shit. No! I'm naked behind you. Don't look at me. Don't look at me. I can. Oh, shit. No! I'm naked behind you.

Don't look at me. Don't look at me. I'm shirtless. I just have, like, a playboy back here. Sorry. Sorry, everyone. When it's their turn, I pleasure myself. It's my notes.

Get out of here, you hippie. You hippie. Turny hippies always look good on the screen. Stay off my lawn. Get out of here. Get a job at a hair salon. Stay. So...

What are you doing? Is that your turn? I rolled my short bow, and I only got a 20 to hit. Only got a 20? Are you being funny? I don't know. It's a tree. It's a moving tree. Things could get weird. That is a miss. You need to do better. Okay, I figured, so thank you.

Is that your turn? That's my first action. I'm going to shoot. I'm going to move. I'm going to use my move, and and I'm gonna move away from the tree. Drawing your bow was your first action. You're right. Thanks so much, Troy. I can still do this as my third action after I fired.

And I'm going to move away from the tree because I need to get out of the cluster because it's gonna come over and hit all of us. Okay. Three sad actions later, it's going to come over and hit all of us. Okay. Three sad actions later, it's Atticus's turn. Oh, wait, and I'm not stupefied anymore. Yes. Because it's this round. Oh, no, you just said to me something pre-show.

Oh, you're stupefied for one round? Yeah. Then you're stupefied until its next turn, when it starts. Its next turn, okay. Beginning of its next turn, yeah. Cool. Atticus just pushes lightly

Ethel to the side. It's just like, and he's looking at these heads, particularly the orc head, and it's just like, it's so strong. It seems so handsome.

It's so powerful so handsome So powerful If only we could get to know him If only I could be within the aura Of that power And he begins walking Mindlessly Towards the tree You said that I have to use all possible

Actions to get to the tree To get as close to it as possible. So if you can do that in one action, then you still have two actions left. But if it takes you two actions to move adjacent to it, you've got to take those two. Great. So I can get there in one action, if I'm not mistaken, playing by the rules. I'm not mistaken. I can get there in one action, and he walks up to this thing, but he's not completely out of his mind.

It draws him close, and he sees it. It looks rather terrifying. So he is going to try to become invisible. So he walks up to it, and then he's going to try to do this trick that he used to do as part of his shows to just try to kind of vanish. But I have to roll a flat check. So first flat check and I... What did you roll? I rolled a natural

six. I needed a natural seven. Would you like to use your bottle cap? Use it. Yeah, I don't think so I don't think What do you guys think? No? They're saying no

Big thumbs down This is awesome It's like the price is right It is Lower Lower Lower So yeah

He casts He casts invisibility cloak and he's like, you didn't think of this, did you, tree? And then he's just still standing there, completely visible. And that is the end of his shitty, shitty turn. Brutal. Brutal. All right, well, you don't have to do that next round, but you obviously remain stupefied from your curse.

Eris, what do you got? Oh, God. So, yeah, I'm seeing everyone look kind of silly, walking towards the tree. Atticus is already there, so I feel like flesh wall is not a thing. You and your flesh wall.

Anyway, so I'm going to cast Haste on Ethel. Ooh. Yeah. Describe it. Describe it. Describe it? How do you cast it on him? Well, I've got a 30-feet ring.

My hair extends and wraps around this neck. And it tugs a little tight, but not too tight, where it's not fun still. Nice. You're hasted. And I want to roll some sort of knowledge to know, like, does it have a weakness to anything? I don't want to waste my time. I feel like this is your first knowledge check since we've begun playing together.

I know, I forget. Give me a big fan of knowledge checks. Thank you. Yes, thank you. I love it. All right, you got three actions. Let's use them. What kind of knowledge would you like to roll?

Maybe nature or dream lore? Or occultism? I also have lore wilderness. Yeah, let's try lore wilderness. This looks like a naturally occurring tree. This is the equivalent of, is that a zebra? You know what? Maybe I'll never roll a knowledge check ever again.

Let's do occultism because clearly there's something weird going on here. Clearly there's something weird going on here. Yeah, I'm wondering if there's something odd happening. You're not 100% sure, but there's something weird happening. We're all so dumb. We're just like, something's not right. We're not a smart group. That's a 25.

25, eh? Okay. You want to know about weaknesses. 25. It is weak to fire. Fire. And because it's a tree, axes.

Oh! Ethel, this is the perfect enemy for you. Can you please whittle me a thing out of that? Cut it down. Chop that tree down. What? Stupefy. Stupefy.

Stupefy. What? You're so enamored with the wood, I can tell. I am enamored with the wood. Not that kind of wood. We need a new sexy song. I know. You know, it's so funny because we were saying, like, I should do sex and candy,

and it would have been awesome earlier when you mentioned candy. Don't mind me. You know what, Skid? Save it for Seattle. Okay. Five, five, five booze. Save the new stuff for Seattle. This is just a repeat of the last combat Alright, so that's what you learned

Do you have any actions left? No Alright, awesome It is Aldo's turn Aldo, you are stupefied too and you must rush this tree Okay, so I have to get Spend as many actions as it takes To get next to it?

Yes, sadly. Okay, all right. Just this round. I think this is two actions. Yeah, I'm going to have to spend two actions to get up there. So Aldo, in some kind of trance, I guess, runs up there, and he's just like, I don't like this tree, but I can't resist it! And with his final action,

he's going to throw Alchemist's Fire at the tree. Ooh, baby! Yeah! Uh, that is a 27 to hit. Yo! That is a miss. Okay. Alright, uh,

so it still takes four points of splash fire damage. Okay, and, because it is weak to fire, it certainly takes four points of splash fire damage. Okay, and because it is weak to fire, it certainly takes more than that. So maybe all of the heads open their mouths and scream. Simultaneously. You see your own face inches away from you scream

like this emotionless scream as it gets hit by fire. It's quite horrible. Ethel, finish up the round for us. And also, Aldo and Ethel rolled the same initiative. If you guys choose to switch your position, I don't really care. Here's my question.

Okay. I have to use... It will take me two moves to get to the tree. Okay. Would moves to get to the tree Okay Would it be not in the spirit of the effect If I did a sudden charge Which would be the fastest path to the tree And give me a strike as part of those two actions Oh

You're all You're all players I can tell You're all players. I can tell. What is he explaining? What? I was excited that the volume came back up on the drops. That's nice.

I like that. So can you sudden charge? Let me read this again. This guy says yes, so we should just... The creature who is the closest square via the most direct... Matthew, roll to hit.

Direct route possible. Sure. Sure, yes! I hope you fumble and have trouble sleeping tonight. 26 to him. Miss. Okay.

Well, Ethel's going to climb the tree. I'm going to climb the tree. You're going to climb the tree? The tree full of heads? The tree full of heads. What's your goal here? To get into an advantageous position to

chop at the tree. Alright, roll the climb to fucking three. Bet you didn't think this was gonna happen, Troy. Trying to be more open to dumb ideas. I'm stupefied. And I also rolled a natural two, so it's a

21. So you fall prone. Actually, I think you do fall prone. Critical failure. Is it a 21? Oh, 21? No, you just look stupid. You're like... You embarrass yourself. That's enough. What are you doing?

Also, is this the most agile tree ever? It's pretty crazy fast. All right, and then I have an extra action from haste, so when I fail that I am going to take another turn with the hatchet. Why not? Yeah, come on. Roll well, though. Okay, 30.

Not bad. Still a miss. This is the end of book three, folks. What do you want, a 30 AC? Not on my watch. All right, round two. Joe has already checked out,

assuming that the fight is impossible. It is, obviously. Because you, at some point, I'm not sure when it happened, you just started making up ACs. You were just like, you know what? This is funny. I'm having a great time. I know.

The tree will cast a spell. Because that's what this tree can do. I'm a druid and I fucking hate this tree. We'll deal with you in a second. Do you want to take your attack of opportunity as it's casting a spell? I would love to. Okay.

I think you're going to miss. I think so, too. Come on, man. Okay. 31. Oh! What did Troy make up? That's a hit.

Yeah! Troy Makeup. That's a hit. This is so much better than eSports. For real. 11 points of Axe stem. Yeah. Axe gonna give it to you. Axe gonna give it to you. Holy shit. And yes yes it is vulnerable to axes Yes

I saw that and I laughed and laughed Because you have an axe And it just again All the mouths open up And scream And now it's gonna cast a spell And I've made a nice little template that I'm going to throw on the ground

because it's horrible. Hello, template. Oh, come on. Let's just put it right there. What the? Whoa. Oh, yeah, right on the old map-a-roo. I'm going to put the Suki and Eris in these tangling creepers.

Dense twitching creepers sprout from every surface, even filling bodies of water in the area. Any creature moving on the land takes a minus 10-foot circumstance penalty to its speeds while in the area. Eris and Suki. Minus ten to your speed! And then there's some other cool stuff that you don't have to worry about right now.

Tangling creepers. No rolls involved? No saves? No. Not yet. Not ever. Oh. And now! That was three actions. That's how powerful that spell is You are F'd in the A Suki it is your turn Suki

Okie dokie let's find out what's coming on Okie sukie Okie sukie Suki seeing these Tendrils these plants They're plants Yeah sure It's just they're plants? Yeah, sure. Okay.

It's just, they're like vines. They're like weird vines that are coming up and pulling at you, like going up your leg and starting to wrap around you. As if this has never happened to Suki. Classic. She's gonna cast elemental form, and

Sailor Moon style, I turn into a fire elemental as I spin. Yeah! A fire elemental? Red glitter everywhere. Yeah. Yeah, read it and weep. Fire.

How about a little fire, Scarecrow? How about a little fire, Scarecrow? I'm then going to move out of the tendrils. You got anything to do about that? I'm a big fire lady. Don't worry about it. I moved out and now I'm going to move my fire speed. It's at

50 feet. And I'm going to move all the way up to the tree. And hopefully protect the boys. Gotta protect the boys. Gotta protect the boys. Alright, so you are a fire elemental. Let me throw one of those up on the old board here.

This definitely copyrighted picture I just took. Oh! Yeah! Hell yeah, that's what I look like. I'll just put Suki in the pool over here and you're there now. Alright, so that is Fire Suki.

Cool. Fire Suki. Fuki. Fuki. All right, Fuki. Fuki. It is Atticus's turn. Atticus oh man

stupefied stupefied for real you don't have to be there anymore if you don't want to um yeah that's for sure he's gonna

he's gonna say no no we come with gifts we come bearing gifts gifts for the mad poet and he starts like pulling these things like out of his

jacket like destroy us and they will be lost forever. And he's going to attempt to see if this is mentioning the gifts would help the tree stop, basically. Okay. And I don't know if that's a roll or not. No, you're just talking

and the tree seems to not care. Okay. In that case, he will... And he will fall back 30 feet, staying out of those brambles and such. Out of those creepers? Out of those creepers, yeah. He will fall back, and...

Man, this is bad. Yeah. He will attempt to attack the tree with a spell. So he brings this negative energy into himself. His pursuit of these dark truths and why he's coming to this

mad poet has led him to this kind of knowledge that can rot life away from inside of itself. And he's going to cast Enervation on the tree. Let's see if he can just rot it out from the inside. This tree of death!

What kind of save is that? It's a Fortitude save. Okay. 23. Oh! Oh, shit! I rolled real bad. Must have.

You take 4d8 persistent negative damage. Oh, shit! As you run from the inside! And you are drained one. Oh, man. Wow.

What a fucking timely spell. Holy shit. Just starts pulling this negative energy. L.A. Joe! L.A. Joe! L.A. Joe! L.A. Joe! I'm going to burn out my boys here and leave nothing for Seattle.

Yeah! Don't listen to him, Seattle. L.A. Joe. Oh, no, no, no, no. No. No. No. 90-19.

I know. You knew. know you knew You knew You knew LA Joe LA Joe Baby LA Joe LA Joe LA Joe

I only do that with my good shoulder now LA Joe with the Natty 19 So 4d8 persistent negative energy damage. Yeah. All right. Yikes. And drained one. And drained one.

So my fortitude save will go down. My con base checks will go down. I'll lose hit points equal to my level. Times the drained value. Which is one. Yeah. And your maximum hit points go down. Holy shit.

Well, maybe he'll get to rest for eight hours. And my max, which is one. And your maximum hit points go down. Holy shit. Well, maybe he'll get to rest for eight hours, and then my drained value will go down. Villains never get to rest. Yeah. All right. Hell of a round there. That's the whole point behind the giving tree.

It's true. That's very... That's an astute observation. Yeah. Fuck that tree. You should have Shelly Silverstein up observation fuck that tree actually no fuck that kid yeah fuck that kid that damn fucking kid that tree gave him everything you piece of shit kid

fuck you can I take your branches to make a house no this should have been the tree Can I take your branches to make a house? No! This should have been the tree in that story. This tree. Yeah.

That would have been better. It's Eris's turn. I've lost all control of this fight. All right. So I got a negative 10 to my move speed, which means I can move 15 feet. So I'm going to take three little square steps here. I'm still within the tendrils, but whatever. I'm within

30 feet of both Aldo and Ethel. So I want to give you guys both a little bit of guidance, because I've been seeing you both kind of just miss. And maybe if you had a plus one, potentially to your attack, or attack, perception, saving throw, or skill check.

Hopefully attack. Great. Yeah, so, I mean, I guess maybe I can do it the same way to you with, like, my hair and a little choking fun that we've consensually agreed to. And we have a safe word for, which you have not said yet, so we're good. And I just kind of maybe wave my hand in your general direction.

Aldo. It is crazy. I'm seething of naira. Yet again. Hoping this is maybe a little bit of an olive branch. Trees, right? My turn's over. Kate,rees, right? All right.

My turn's over. Kate, are you done? Your turn. What? Are you done? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You went to a different world for a second. It's a little side quest, mini side quest.

I think that neck mouth is cutting off oxygen. I think so, too. I think I'm more fun with the neck mouth on. I like that. It's a good neck mouth. It's a well-made neck mouth. It is really well-made. It's beautiful.

It actually is. It's beautiful. Thank you. Will you make more and we'll sell them? Yes. Yes. Don Troy thinks he just sees it and he's like, dollar signs! So Troy's at his 20-year high school reunion

or whatever, and they're like, so you're an actor, right? He goes, no, we sell neck mouths. I mainly deal with neck mouths. So where we got the idea from is... Security! This guy keeps talking about neck mounts. Aldo, you're up.

All right, Aldo is going to imbibe his mutagen. He has a quicksilver mutagen. Okay. It's his first act. It's like, goop, goop, goop. And it's like, kuh, kuh. You hear this, like, cracking of his bones as they elongate. And he gets more angular and taller

and more frail, but quicker. And with his second action, he's going to attempt to throw another Alchemist Fire. Alright, come on. Hit him with that fire! Okay, here we go. That is a 31 to hit. Alright!

Nice! That is a hit. Okay. That is 13 points of fire damage. Hell yeah. And two points of persistent fire damage. That is huge. That is huge when he's weak. Oh my god, that's so bad.

Yeah. So you said 13 regular? Yes. Holy shit. Okay, and then persistent. Holy shit. Okay. And then persistent fire fuck. Yeah. Okay. Anything else?

All right. I'm going to try again. Please miss. Please miss. Yeah, that's a miss. But that is four more points of splash fire damage. That's brutal. You just keep taking.

Hell yeah. Aldo, you are so perfectly suited to destroy this thing. It's amazing. Finally! You would do. I've been waiting over years for this to happen. If only we had been fighting arboreal enemies all along. I know.

Where have been the trees, the tree enemies in my path? It's so funny to look at a tree and be like, Finally! Finally! I can kill this thing. in my path. It's so funny to look at a tree and be like, finally! I can kill this thing! Is that it, good buddy? That's it. It is now Ethel's turn to finish the round.

Ethel, what do you do? I'm going to double slice, hammer and hatchet. Hammer and hatchet. Have you assigned a color die to each weapon? The green is the hatchet. What was that? This is going to be a 24 with the hatchet and a 22 with the warhammer. 24 and a 22 is a miss.

Miss. Okay, and then I'll go again with the hatchet. Is your hatchet named Molly? God damn it. It's a natural three on that. You are ice cold. Rough round for Ethel. Two.

You're as cold as ice. It's really embarrassing in front of your girlfriend. Yeah. I'm going to attempt to climb the tree again. Please stop. Why are you doing that? Please stop climbing the tree. I'd rather you do nothing.

When do you climb an enemy? That's so funny. When do you climb your enemy? What kind of idiot are you? I'm not telling you. Is the tree on fire? I'm just curious. Yes, I'm going to climb the flaming tree.

That's a 32. A 32. Wow. I hate. I hate. Yes, I'm going to climb the flaming tree as a 32 athletics. Wow. I hate playing with you guys. All right, so you start climbing the enemy. I don't know why. I'm going to try to get to my own face. Sure.

Okay. This won't be weird. Are you going to kiss it? All right, it's round three. I'm going to kill all of you. All right, well, I've got some bad stuff about to happen at the end of this round, so I want to make it really count. And so I am going to do a three-action jawn.

You see the heads, those lumpy fruits that are actually heads start shaking. And it almost looks like their craniums are expanding. Oh, fuck. And if there was like a liquid in their cranium, it's being infused into the tree branches. And you see the trunk start to swell as well. And then all of a sudden, just like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. All of your brains are inundated with knowledge.

Everybody roll a will say. Oh shit. Oh no. Oh man. Come on Atticus you son of a bitch. Now. Don't screw this up. There's already been a lot of hero points that have been used.

Which makes me happy. I'm using a hero point. Oh. All right, Bottlecap Jones. Shit. Oh, shit. Dude, Bottlecap Jones just hit a homer. Yeah!

He called a shot! Aldo, what did you roll? 24. Okay. Ethel? 32. Okay. Eris?

A 19. And because you taunted us, I don't know if I want to use my hero point for this. It's up to you. What do you want to do? I don't know. What does everyone else think here? What does LA think?

Yeah? Use it? Yeah? Yes? Up? Use it? Yeah? Yes? Up? Use it? Yeah! Okay, up.

Okay. All right. Fine. Jesus Christ. Jesus. Arise, God! I guess I'm wrong. Please stop talking to the audience.

All right. So you're going to use your cap. Seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Twenty-two. It's better. Higher. It, 22. It's better. It's higher. It's a 29 for Atticus. I rolled a natty 19.

There you go. And I'm not stupefied anymore because it's your turn. So it's a 36. Okay. I forgot what all of you rolled. One of you. Quick, everyone say it at the same time. 19.

You rolled a 29? I did. You did. And Skid, what'd you roll? 24. 24. 24, and you were? 32.

Okay, so Suki and Ethel passed. The rest were? 32. So Suki and Ethel passed. The rest of you failed. So regular success. Suki and Ethel, you are stunned one. Oh no. And you take 12 points of mental

damage. Oh no. Oh no. Much knowledge. Oh, this is really bad. If you failed, which is... Is that really what she thinks of me? Which is Eris, Aldo, and Atticus, you take

25 points of damage and you're stunned three. Oh! Six boos. Stunned. A three. You can't act. A stunned value indicates how many total actions you lose.

Yeah, we all know what stunned is. In case you didn't hear me. Each time you regain actions, reduce the number of years by your stunned value. So you guys are fucked. And 25 points of damage as the cherry on top. Now, please deal your persistent fire damage and your persistent negative energy damage, and I will roll the flat checks to try and remove both of them.

First, for the negative energy damage, I'll roll a d20, and I roll a natty 18. Fuck. Fuck your damage. Fire damage. Gonna roll this. Natural one. Fuck. Fuck your damage. Fire damage. Gonna roll this. Natural one. Yeah.

There we go. So give me your... Give me your 48. 24 points of damage. Nice. God. I'm just imagining the tree trying to pat out the fire.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. With the head. It's like slapping itself with branches. This is the bad one, though. This is the one that I really wanted to get rid of. With the head. It's like slapping itself with branches. This is the bad one, though. This is the one that I really wanted to get rid of. How much damage? It's just two every round.

Okay, but it's a lot more because of its problems. Yeah. All right. That is the end of its turn. This is real, real bad for the people that are stunned three.

But Suki, you passed. What do you do? Suki. Suki. Suki is going to... I'm going to hit you with my tendril, one of my fiery tendrils. Yeah, fire. Let's see if I can do it.

Hit me with your best shot. Natty, 15 for 33. Math. Yeah! Just count that one more time. 33. It's a 15 plus 18. That's math. Yeah!

That's math. That's math. That is a hit. That is math. I will agree with you. Alright, so that's 13 points of fire damage, and you take 1d4 persistence. Yes! Wait.

Yes! Huge! Three. Wait, how much damage did you do? What did I say? Four. Oh, fuck. Four.

15. Thank you. Six points of damage? 13 points of fire damage. Thirteen points. Oh, God, that's so much more. And then persistent. Three.

All right, hold on. Not until the end of its turn. Okay. Take your three and put it in a tree. All right, what else do you want to do? Attack again. With my second action, I attack again. Oh, fuck.

I thought it was another 15. It's not. 26? Miss. Cool. Your Honor. That's it. And then I'm stunned, so I lose my third action.

Okay, okay. Now, do both persistent fire damages, where they're from two different sources and they're different, do I take both of them? I think it's... It is? Do you get both? Okay. This guy very incredulously

said yes. I don't like the way you said yes, sir. He was like this, yes! Of course! You fucking dummy. I thought it was just... That's what I felt when you made that face, sir. You have the book. I have it too.

I just haven't cracked it open. It's so heavy. Is that a piece of cardboard you're using for a bookmark? It is. It's a to-do list. It's actually a very old to-do list. I've already been to the dentist. It's a cartoon to-do list.

It's huge. But I do need to get my car detailed. You don't take both persistently. Yeah, that's what I thought. Have this man escorted out. Security! And leave the book! You don't deserve it, sir.

Clearly you're reading the wrong book. What the hell is going on? It is Atticus's turn. Atticus, you are stunned three. Anything you'd like to say before we move on to someone else's turn? Well, the nice thing is... He starts drooling. Even if they don't stack, like our damages,

there's still two sources of fire damage that you have to do the flat check against. Yes. But only the higher one is calculated. So put that on your to-do list towards the top. Yeah, put that on your stupid piece of cardboard. Put that in your tree and smoke it. All right. Atticus, shit this pants.

Eris, you also failed. You're also stunned three. Yeah, so I guess what I'll do with this round is lower my stun by one. Right? Yeah. Good. Good. Yes. Knight, wait. Just take them all away. Right? Yeah. Good. Good. Yes.

Night. Wait. Just take them all away. You're good. Oh, you... It doesn't go by one? You lost all three actions. Yeah.

Oh, right. So you lost all three. Yeah. I lost all three actions. I was making a joke. God. I thought it was very funny. My turn's over.

But now it's Aldo's turn. Everyone laugh for Kate. Thanks, guys. This is a good studio audience. Yeah, this is great. Everyone laugh. Everyone laugh for Kate. Thanks, guys. This is a good studio audience. Yeah, this is great. So supportive. That was so funny. All right.

This is getting out of control. Aldo, you're stunned three as well. And so then it goes to Ethel's turn. So am I not stunned now? Yes. Okay. Correct. You just lose a turn.

Ethel's stunned one. He loses an action. But luckily, I'm hasted. Thanks, Aris. So it all evens out. Correct. You just lose a turn. Ethel will stun one. He loses an action. But luckily I'm hasted. Thanks, Aeris. So it all evens out. Yeah. I'm going to double slice again. Okay.

Green is the hatchet. I hope you fail. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. It's a 39 on the Warhammer. And a 31 on the hatchet. Yes! Warhammer. And a 31 on the hatchet.

Yes! Give me the damage separately. And what type of damage is the Warhammer? Bludgeoning? Bludgeoning. Okay. So the hatchet is going to be 12 points of axe damage. Axe don't give it to ya! Get it, get it!

All right. I'll give you the Warhammer. I think that's really funny It is I'm with you I don't give a fuck what everyone else says 12 points of bludgeoning damage from the warhammer You notice not all of that goes through

I figured That said I am going to flens you Yeah I don't like this I figured. That said, I am going to flens you. Yeah. With my final action. I don't like this. The tree's probably not going to bleed. It could bleed sap. I don't like this game.

Maybe. Yeah. But regardless, it's going to become flat-footed. So you're going to take 2d8 persistent bleed damage. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Ah. What? I don't think you can do it, hey. Ah. What? I don't think you can do it, maybe.

Why? Is it a strike? No, it's another action. But your extra action can only be to stride or strike, right? I lost that action. I'm not the GM Wait I wasn't listening What are you saying?

So I get Haste gives me The quickened condition Which means I get An extra action I acquire an extra action At the beginning of my turn Right?

That action can only be used To strike or strike I lost an action Because I'm stunned Matthew is a lawyer tonight. I am loving it. And why are you saying he can't do it? I'm not.

I'm convinced. Stop it. Tell me what you're concerned about. I really like the way Matthew plays. Honestly? He's got something for me to do. It's tough for me. Well. It's tough for me. Well, he did their double slice action,

which is two attacks with two actions as one combined damage source. The second attack is a flens. It's not a strike. He can only additionally stride or strike. Because I presume the action he lost was one of his base actions. What he's saying is he decided to lose

the action that's irrelevant. Get the fuck out of here, Capricasa. I also could say that my extra action was used on the double slice. That guy says, yeah, alright, flens away. Flens away, and I

will definitely remove the damage from the hero's hit points. Okay, so you're going to take 2d8 persistent bleed damage if you bleed. It's going to be on your turn. You also become flat-footed. Oh no.

Is that the first we heard the tree's voice? Oh no. How would you like it if somebody took an apple off of you? If you have any resistances to any physical damage, which it seems like you do. Yes, I do.

They're reduced by five. Wow. You guys are getting better at this. I don't like it. All right. You done cheating? Yes. It's a new round.

We'll call it round four, because that's what it is. It is the tree's turn. Is it surrender? No, hold on. Do the faces all go, we surrender? It throws up its branches and that... Surrender.

Let's parley. Please. Here's what it's going to do. Fuck my... Leave me alone. Leave me be. Make like a tree. All right.

You know, if you start clapping for puns He's not going to stop I know Believe me I'm rooting for you Alright Please Please stop the puns.

All right. Here's what I'm going to do. First thing I'm going to do is it's going to take its branch, and it's going to try and, like, scrape Ethel off. By the way, did you climb this tree and then attack with two weapons? What, were you holding the tree between your thighs? Yeah, like a tree surgeon. It's like, yeah.

His thighs are pretty strong. How do you sleep at night? Bending the rules. Don't ask how I know that. Alright. That is a 32 to hit. Yes, that hits. A couple things are going to happen.

Oh no. First thing is you're going to take a shitload of damage to the tune of 24 points of bludgeoning damage. Then I'm gonna use improved knockdown where it just fucking knocks you off the tree! No! And you take another five points of damage

as you hit the ground and land prone. Oh. Oh, yeah. I'm mad. And now I'm gonna branch you again. Because we're branching out to new attacks. I'm sorry, I just wanted to keep up. 26 to hit.

Prone. Because I'm prone. That hits exactly. Oh no! Sure does. Have you used my guidance I'm prone, that hits exactly. Oh, no! Sure does. Have you used my guidance yet? Yeah, I missed. Yeah, I missed.

Oh! Oh! Oh, so much damage! 33 points of damage! Just a fucking branch full of heads just goes... Oh, my God! Then, a branch is going to come. Actually, one of these creeping tangles is going to come out

and try and pull Suki back into this briar patch. I'm so far away. That's like your fourth action. It's my third action, and how dare you? No, you scratched Ethel, then you knocked him off, then you scratched him again. The knock was free. It's improved knockdown?

Whatever. She must have thought it was regular knockdown. Yeah, I was thinking it's way better than the normal knockdown. It's a very common mistake. Third action. This vine is going to come out. Spell attack roll. So it's going to come out. Spell attack roll. So it's going to have a little

multiple attack penalty. John, where's my spell attack? Alright, here it is. You're going down, Suki. You're going down. Ah, shit. 35 to hit. What?

You're so mean. That's with a minus 10? You're so mean. That's with a minus 10? You're so mean. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I rolled very, very high. You're making everything up. I'm not. It's obvious. I'm reading off of this list.

It's not a critical. It's a normal, regular, lame, old whatever the fuck. Okay, well here's what happens. You don't take any damage, but you are pulled into the creepers. I'm on, I'm fire. I'm sorry. You're a plant.

I'm a fire elemental. It's magic, and I don't care. You are immobilized for one round. Oh, no. Am I pulled into it like I'm here now? Yep, you're in the creepers. Oh, I'm over there? All right.

You're a creep. Wait. Wait. Yeah. Now it's my turn. No, now it takes persistent damage. Yeah. Not Joe's, but yours. And mine.

And mine. And your bleeding, yes, from your cheating. Give me your bleeding damage. I'll roll the flat check. Natty, 17. Suck it. It was going to end the beginning of my turn anyway. Seven points of damage. Seven points of the flat check. Natty's 17. Suck it. It was gonna end the beginning of my turn anyway. Seven points of damage. Seven points

of damage from the bleed. Definitely took that. And now Skid's fire. Natural one again. Yes! Natural one again! How much fire damage, Skid? Two. Always. That's a lot more than that.

And then you roll a flat check against mine, too, right? Oh, there he goes. Natty, 14. Yes! Okay, roll to see if you get more than two. Yeah. Because I roll a d4. Do it!

Yeah. Do it! That's a one. Okay, all right. It's fine. The only thing that's important is the two different sources of fire damage. That's all that's really... How's the tree looking?

Beautiful. The most majestic tree you've ever seen. Why did I fucking ask? It's gorgeous. Cool. And it is your turn, Suki. Okay, Fuki. Excuse me, my name is Fuki in this battle.

And you renamed my character on the map. How'd you do that? Magic. So you said I'm grappled for a round? You're immobilized. Immobilized. You can attempt to escape, but you won't. Okay.

And that has the attack trait. So if you start doing that, it's going to affect your attack should you get out. I would just crawl into a dark hole and skip your turn. So, to escape it's what? My strength? My athletics? My... Escape is a ba-da-ba-bo-da-ba-de-boop, athletics.

Acrobatics or unarmed attack. I'll do my athletics. Okay. It's against its spell DC do my athletics. Okay. It's against its spell DC in this case. 24. Oh, no. That is a fail.

So does that take all my actions then? No, that's just one action. The escape action is one. Here I go again. But it has the attack rate, so it's going to go down by minus five. Oh. Can I try? Sure. You just did. What did you roll?

I don't remember because I picked it up so fast. How dare you? That's cheating. I saw it. It doesn't matter what you rolled if you didn't roll a natural 20. You're not getting it. Third try. That's just... Minus ten. Minus eight. Minus ten. I'm sure I'm going to get this one. Just tell me if you rolled a natural 20.

Nope. It's a fail. So you're just fighting against the creepers and you are stuck. for a natural 20. Nope. It's a fail. That's an 18. So you're just fighting against the creepers and you are stuck. It's shitty when you take a form

because then you have to drop the form to do anything else to cast a spell. So this is all I can do. That's my turn. Well, druids suck. It's Atticus' turn.

Yeah, I said it. They're stupid characters. I hate druids. Atticus is like filled with all of this knowledge After spending a whole round Just like What did we learn? No

I am acting Please I'm so sorry Continue your scene I'm so sorry I interrupted Oh my god I'm so embarrassed You were scene I'm so sorry I interrupted oh my god I'm so embarrassed

you were saying I was gonna say what did Atticus learn what's he learning but do your acting do your acting that's what I was doing you feel like you absorbed

a surge of information that this tree has obtained throughout its entire life so if it's been here hundreds of years thousands of years, whatever, it has acquired so much knowledge

and it just like hit you. It's so overwhelming, it doesn't even mean anything to you. But this is not the first time this has happened to him. So he's used, not used to, but he's experienced the influx of intense knowledge that he will later parse out. And as he just like finishes,

he's like, ah, his gaze just sets on this thing and he's like, you've made a terrible mistake. You shared knowledge with the wrong rat. If you want to be a tree of death, then die. And his eyes get

crazy. And he's gonna cast the spell, maybe. Natural four. You gotta be shitting me. I'm gonna bottle cap it. Gotta bottle cap it. Have to. Have to bottle cap it. Have to. Natty 15.

There you go! Natty 15. And he unleashes the most powerful magic that he knows right now as nine separate magic missiles. Yes! And just go, go, go, go, go, go, go! I don't give a shit about the AC you made up. I didn't make it up.

You take 30 points of force damage. Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! The tree fall. Yeah! Sydney, I'm disappointed you didn't get up.

You scared me. You kind of left me hanging out there. You scared me. That chair went so far. Yeah, that was really aggressive. Well, I was really stuck under here far and I knew I had to do like one, to get it out fast. It turned into like a wrestling match so fast.

You just picked it up. As the tree fall, this tree you realize, you remember somebody, I don't know if you had a shared vision or if it was only one of you, you've seen this tree before. You've seen this tree full of heads. You remember walking with the count towards this oasis and seeing this tree. You had this vision of this.

The tree falls, but as it falls, all of the heads begin to swell just as they did before it unleashed that attack. And as it dies, every bit of knowledge this tree has ever soaked up explodes out in front of you. Everybody roll a will save. Oh, no. No death throws. Come on. Ethel could go down, man. I think Ethel's brain is empty enough that he can absorb a little more knowledge

maybe not I mean yeah it's bad let's start with the side of the table Suki 19 that's a critical fail I rolled a natural 2

do you have a bottle cap? oh here a point bottle cap you son of a bitch I hate hate them. I hate them. They ruin the game. Just got so mad that I remembered. They don't ruin the game. They just ruin your phone.

Yes, same thing. So that's a 31. So gross. Don't worry, Troy. I got you. What'd you get, buddy? 22. No.

Better. What about you, Kate? 28. Oh. Okay. Not bad. Matthew? You needn't worry at all.

I rolled a natural two for a 15. There it is. Oh, fuck. I had no bottle cap left. I do have a bottle cap, but I don't want to ruin Troy's fun. Thank you, buddy. I appreciate it. Don't say I didn't do anything for you.

What about you, Skin? 28. Okay. Only one of you rolled over 30, right? Alright, so you passed. But it wasn't a critical success. So you take 24 points of damage. Oh, no.

Oh, boy. You take 98 points of damage. I do? Matthew. Oh, Matt. Oh, okay. I take 98 points of damage. I do? Matthew. Oh, Matt. Oh, okay. I have 55 hit points left. So you're dying, too. You're dying, too.

Okay. The rest of you take 49 points of damage. Oh, my God. This is awesome. This is... I just love the idea of knowledge being so damaging. It, like, destroys your mind. It's amazing.

A couple things happen at this point. You see Ethel fall, right? I mean, I was already down on the ground. You threw me off a tree. That's true. But maybe you were just about to get up and blow you back in fact anybody who failed that save gets knocked prone by the onslaught of knowledge

and Ethel you're on the ground and you're out and you're unconscious and you you guys start to regain your composure and you look over and you notice that Eth regain your composure, and you look over, and you notice that Ethel is not getting up. And then you watch Ethel start to, like, shake,

like, back and forth, like his body is being lifted off the ground. He's shaking, and it almost looked like he's a puppet being pulled by an invisible string. He's just shaking, shaking, shaking. And as he's a puppet being pulled by an invisible string. He's just shaking, shaking, shaking. And as he's shaking, he begins to, like, phase out of existence. Oh, no. And as he's phasing out of existence,

another figure starts to appear where he's standing, and that figure is, like, shaking. That figure is doing the shaking, and then that figure shows up and it's tiny murder claim. Oh no! Oh no. The other thing that happens

is that the door to the hut opens up. Ooh! And a man begins to step out, holding a large tome under his hand. And we will see you in Seattle. Back to the show, everybody. Thank you! Adios, Berlin! You guys are amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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