The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 89 – I Wanna Dream Again

Episode Date: May 15, 2024

The heroes leave Cassomir behind and begin their journey to the nation of Qadira. Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/ovn3KNXJhq0 Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Matthew Capodicasa, Sydney Amanuel, and Kate Stamas as they tour the country playing the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Pathfinder Adventure Path. For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com and for exclusive content and benefits, subscribe today at jointhenaish.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit coke.com Marvel24rules.ca for official rules. Skill tests required. Visit coke.com slash Marvel24rules.ca for official rules. You are listening to the Glass Cannon Network, the premier source for role playing game entertainment. Yeah! What is happening KC? They are fired up! I don't know about you, but I'm full of Joe's BBQ and Boulevard IPAs and I'm ready to play the chef. I'm the Pathfinder. The fact that there is an audience here tonight is secondary to the fact that I just want

to play this game tonight. You're welcome to watch, but this isn't about you. Before we had a podcast empire, Joe and Skid and I would get together at my apartment on a Thursday night just like tonight and play Pathfinder, make jokes that would get us in trouble in the year 2024, drink some beers. So that's what we're gonna do tonight. It's gonna be just like the old days. We're gonna drink some beers, we're gonna play some Pathfinder with our friends, have some laughs, and then we're gonna go home and pleasure ourselves to step on porn. Just like the old days.

I was with you right up until a certain point. Just like the old days. Hey, your stepdad's working late tonight. Need some help with that penis. Help? I'm stuck in the laundry machine. You've all seen that one clearly. How about old Kansas City, huh? I dig it! I like it. It's a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll.

And a little bit Dixieland jazz too, which is weird. I've said it before and I mean it, I really love the Midwest because people are so genuinely nice here. It's much different from all of the assholes back home, present company included. And now I think I've figured out finally why everyone is so nice out here. Because no one has any hopes and dreams. Listen. This is, I think this is the key to living a stress free life. Just give up. When you're not working towards achieving anything great or constantly trying to better yourself,

you can just relax and be nice to everybody. That's it. There's no rat race here. It's a cow race. That's it. You can just chill and be nice. You got nothing to worry about. You don't have ambition. I've taken several lifts around the city. I have not seen one gym Google it there's not a single gym in Kansas City you don't need a gym we ain't got no dreams I went to the gym in our hotel this morning I went down there and there was a guy sitting on a box playing a banjo I said oh sorry sir I thought this was the gym and he said we ain't got no gym around here. It's not.

But I got some burn ends sizzling on that radiator over there. Fixing to have some. So I ate some burn ends with a nice one-toothed banjoist. That's how I started my day. That's my kind of gym. Nah, I'm just kidding. You hillbillies are cool. You guys are alright in my book.

Sydney, you big mess. I'm shocked you even made it to the right Kansas city. You have had a whirlwind of... You know, I don't believe in luck. I think you make your own luck and you're proof of that. Where do we start? With all of your hijinks. I don't know. I want to preface this by saying it's not my fault. No.

That I am. It's a coincidence that this keeps happening to you. That's all it is. I was going to say it's not my fault. I am the way I am. I left for the airport from New York and I was headed there and going over my mental checklist and I was like got my wallet with my ID in it which expired and I didn't get a new one yet. So sir, could you please turn the car around? I have to go back to my apartment and I got as I suggested I said Normally you do the checklist before you please turn the car around? I have to go back to my apartment. And I got-

As I suggested, I said, normally you do the checklist before you get in the car at the airport. Right? That's for fools. Checklist is a great idea. Just implement it slightly earlier. So I made it to the airport, that was great.

Then we went to the Royals game when we got here. Woo! Woo! It was good time. It was awesome, it was so much fun. I didn't realize you guys have a clear bag policy So I went with a bag like a good moron and by you guys you mean every stadium in the world Every modern stadium sports girl and

Kid Matthew and I walked in they were like bag check and I was like one sec guys went over they continued on and when they turned around the next let me tell you what it was like from our perspective is that we turned around and Sydney was being escorted away from the park by uniform security what is going on where where are they taking her like of course but what and they and I gotta say they were so nice while they did it They were super nice while they kicked me out of the baseball stadium. They were really polite about it Yeah, so it was fine. I got my plastic bag with my wallet in it, which is like all I had It was very comical and I went into the park and we had a great time and then today Kate was like

Can't wait to go to the show that we planned for she was like laying down in the bed taking a nap and I'm just talking at her as I do because I'm nervous. With my eyes closed. I was like this. I was like, you know, I got my dice tray that's like, it's a smaller one. It fits in my bag better. And I burst out of the bed and I went, I forgot all of my dice. I forgot all my dice.

So I went to your cool dice store in downtown, the Druid Dice Store, and... Yeah! Yeah! Again, it was great! Everyone there was so nice. And I would have gone there if I weren't for you. And I bought new dice, and I had a great time. So Troy, I think I'm doing really well.

Yeah, my dad was, he was texting me earlier today, and he was just like, I'm literally really well. Yeah, my dad was texting me earlier today. And he was like, I'm literally loving the show. And I was like, is Sydney really as ditzy as she seems? And I said, no, dad, no, of course not. But now I'm not sure. I might have lied to my father. You're doing the best you can. My parents are proud.

Thank you. I mean, we all. Yeah. Thank you. There you go. We all love her. That's not the question. That's not the issue. It's her intelligence. It's not about the love. It's that I'm stupid. Well, in her defense.

We love our pets. We wouldn't put them in charge of stuff on stage. Thank you, Skid. In her defense, she's not the only one that forgot dice for our two-show weekend away. You know what we do for a living! Who else forgot dice here? I also forgot my dice, and I realized I forgot my dice when I heard Sydney's dice story this morning. We were saying it at lunch, where's that game story?

He had the same reaction. I was like, I forgot my dice. And Joe goes, I forgot all of my dice. And I laughed at him. I was like. So ridiculous. That's exactly what she said. Joe.

I don't remember ever doing that before. So yeah, I had to go to the game store myself. It's rubbing off on him. Racing in in the rain, because we were on the way here to the venue, and I was just like, ah, and he was like, well, we have several handmade varieties of gemstones sourced locally in the mines of Kansas, I guess.

And I was like, ah, I don't need anything in there, man. I need the simplest, cheapest plastics that I see you have. And he's like, perhaps you'd like one of these. I'm like, this is great, this is great, I gotta go. And as he's checking out, I just looked at him, and I see Glass Cannon Live poster. On the thing, and I'm like, I hope I'm not on a security feed.

I'm like looking around. I'm like, I'm not on a security feed. Any of you forget dice, or did you all bring yours? Be honest. That's the responsible table. Yeah. What is this dice? Not only did I not forget my dice,

I actually found my old, Galabrous gold-plated Roman replica. Oh! Those also. Wow. Blast from the past. Teacher's pet. I got some new dice tonight from some folks that were at the VIP meet and greet. Yup.

Gonna roll those rocks tonight. Kate, I didn't see you until today. You didn't come to the game. You were too cool. She went to the mall. I went to the mall. Listen, listen, okay? I told this story twice

before I realized it made it sound like I shit my pants and I need to get pants now. I said it to the person driving me to the mall. He was like, what are you doing at the mall? Because people chat here. And I was like, I really need a pair of pants. And he was like, oh. And then I realized I had just told the story to your family before I left in this car. And I realized how it sounded. I was like, no, no, I didn't ruin any pants. I just I needed to buy pants that fit me. My pants don't fit me right now. I swear. And he was like, no, no, I didn't ruin any pants. I just, I needed to buy pants that fit me.

My pants don't fit me right now, I swear. And he was like, okay. And then I went to the pants store to get some pants. I went to American Eagle and I was checking out. You went to American Eagle? What? You went to American Eagle for pants? Yes.

Shut up. I'm a millennial. So I went to American Eagle and there was a lovely young Gen So much for American Eagle. And there is a lovely young Gen Z lady checking me out. And you have to give everyone all your fucking data when you check out. Now it's like what's your phone number? What's your email? So she's like can you type in your email yourself?

She turns around the keyboard to me. I type it in. She doesn't turn around and monitor, but I got this. So I type it in and she looks at it. She goes wow, that's a really nice looking email. And I thought she meant like I typed it in and she looks at it and goes, wow, that's a really nice looking email. And I thought she meant like I typed it good. So I was like, yeah, I don't know, I type all day. So she was like, no, I mean, it looks really nice.

It's just like a word. My email is my nickname from high school and college. Dock yourself. Dock yourself. Look up to the video. I swear to God, don't make me change my email. from like high school and college. It's just one time away. Dock yourself, dock yourself. And look up to the video. I swear to God, don't make me change my email. Yeah, try to guess what it was.

But she's like, no, it's just like one word and it has like no spaces or whatever or numbers. And I was like, I made this email when Gmail was invented. And then she just stared at me and then I like turned into dust and I blew away. And then you shit your pants. And then I left with my j and I blew away. And then you shit your pants. And then I left with my jeggings, okay? And then I shit my pants.

Oddly enough, it was then that I shit my pants. Matthew, have you been in continent at all since this trip began? Matthew, are you regular? I've been so regular on this trip. It must be all the beer we're drinking. All the fiber from the brisket. Exactly. How are you Troy? How are your pants? Don't turn this on me. This isn't about me. Talking about you. Did your beard keep you warm today in the rain?

Just the way he says it. Take a regular sentence. I feel like I need to take a shower. No, did you, I saw you at the game last night. We were sitting two seats away from each other, which was far enough. I did notice that you strategically gave us those seats in that order. Should I be aware of something? I sat on the aisle and then skid and then you

and I wanted Sydney as far away from me as possible just so that I wouldn't get hit in the face by it with a foul ball, and your luck sucked the ball towards us. I don't have that bad of luck. Oh, no. Oh, no. Let me ask you this. You come to a barbecue town.

We're leaving tomorrow to go to another barbecue town. Are you trying like a like an eggplant with sauce on it? What are you doing? What are you doing in a town like this? I've eaten great. We went to, so we started last night at a garden bar. We got some food there. Remember the garden bar?

The famous garden bar? It's the electric, it's the electric garden bar. Sounds very friccant. The famous, beloved vegetable Stay in a vegetable crowd! Similar to the stadium, it felt like it was in the middle of nowhere. And it was on the train tracks? It seemed odd. So we called the lift to go to the game, that's why we were late.

And our lift was coming from the other side of the train tracks, and our freight train just parked. So... Sydney wanted to jump the tracks to get to the car. They wouldn't let me. Let me ask you this. I dropped my die. Could you put brisket in your mouth, swish it around, spit it on the floor? Oh, God. You know, cities are famous for food, but they also have other good food. Nah.

It's ridiculous. Not here. No. Is that not a lie? You can't lick a brisket and be like, I didn't swallow it. Nah. It's ridiculous. Not here. Is that not a lie, they can't like lick a brisket and be like, I didn't swallow it. God won't punish me for licking this cow. I can honestly say I have no ambition to lick a cow. God famously doesn't punish you if you don't swallow. The night is young. Wow.

Woo! Wow. Wow. My mother-in-law just heard that. Yeah. You know what? I don't know what you expected. Bet you got a real kick out of the step on porch. You're going to have a great show tonight.

Really loved that cold open. Listen, Skid, pants shitting, cow licking, what's going on over there? Love it. Well, not that, but I love Kansas City. And I... It's really great. We had such a great time here. As a Broncos fan, I hate saying it, I hate that I believe it, but I do.

We had a great time. Last time I went to Coffin Stadium, and it was really cool, because I was texting with my dad today, and my dad was there saying, I was telling with my dad today. My dad was there saying I was telling the story in May 1973 and he saw Nolan Ryan pitch his first no hitter there with the D'Angels. So for me to finally tell that story my whole life and to finally be there was great. I was kind of a Royals fan growing up because in Denver we didn't have a baseball team in the time zone and one day a week, or a couple days a week, the local Channel 2 would show the Royals game.

And so I got to see a lot of Bo Jackson and everything, and Brett Saberhag and all that. So yeah, that was great. And then today, I got to go to the Negro Leagues Museum, and at the time of my life, it was so great. It was so great. It was so great. If you have the chance to go with Skid as your tour guide, I highly recommend it. It was awesome.

It was amazing. It was really fun. And I got the finest shirt I now own. The sweet Satchel Paige Monarchs jersey. I bought this today at the gift shop. Woo! monarch's jersey, bought this today at the gift shop. Did this just step ahead of your Star Trek uniform for the best quality clothing item you want?

It's even better than my Starfleet uniform. There wasn't. Andre Day is gonna be better than ever. There was a moment, like we were, I don't know, seven eighths of our way through the museum museum when all the school trips showed up and suddenly the average age was about our age and then it was the average age was about 12. Yeah. They were like they're like Sally Sally please make way for the adults. First time I called an adult in a while. Yeah. But also, I wanted to take over, because it's like,

let me teach the children. It's like, get out. You clearly don't know what you're talking about. Like, let me fucking step in here. Well, suffice it to say, we've had a lot of fun here. Last year, we did St. Louis. Everybody at the St. Louis show begged us to come here. We came here on a Thursday. I think, I think, I think we'll come back. Let's see how you behave tonight.

This crowd is fired up. They sound awesome. Drinking IPAs since noon. You want to play pretend? Yeah! That's what we do! That's what we do! Uh, you want to play pretend? Yeah! That's what we do! That's what we do! Is crypto perfect? Nope. But neither was email when it was invented in 1972. And yet today,

we send 347 billion emails every single day. Crypto is no different. It's new. But like email, it's also revolutionary. With Kraken, it's easy to start your crypto journey with 24-7 support when you need it. Go to kraken.com and see what crypto can be. Not investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss. See kraken.com slash legal slash ca dash pru dash disclaimer for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada. Recap time and an effort to make the recap shorter and shorter as the years go on. Here's all you need to know whether this is your first time watching this show or you've been following this adventure since day one. Okay? Gared to you. Quickest recap in the history of recaps. I can see the whole thing on one screen. Wow. I'm making it longer by doing this though.

Once upon a time, that's how recaps start, a random group of people were brought into the employ were brought into the employ of a rich and eccentric count. This count had them do a lot of dirty deeds. And then he drugged them, and this is where things get weird, he used a ritual to transport their unconscious minds into the dimension of dreams, where he drowned them in a dream lake, which left their conscious minds in a fugue state. He then locked them away in an asylum. Since then this count has been delving deeper and

deeper into some dark and dangerous knowledge and in so doing became by a great old one, an unknowable alien god known as Jamin Dorr, who has perhaps instructed Laos further in his mission, instructed Laos to find a hidden city which contains magical monuments that can open up a portal for this deity to come to our world and destroy it. The Count has traveled far from his home to the country of Kadira in search of a book called the Necronomicon, a copy of which is held in a Kadirian library called the Mysterium. During his adventure, the court, the court, the count, has enlisted the help of this genius alchemist named Mayaknean Munn, who has accompanied the count

in his journey. In fact, it was Munn who supplied the drugs that knocked out our heroes long ago. Well, our heroes have escaped the asylum, got most of their memories back, and have been following in the Count's footsteps. Recently, while en route to this library that Laos is heading to,

they ended up in the city of Casimir, where this Mayacnian Mun lives. So they broke into his house and learned all about Laos' latest movements, while defeating a host of terrible creatures that Munn left behind to guard his secrets, including a dark young of Shub-Niggurath, basically a baby of an alien god

who was residing in the attic of the building and who the heroes narrowly defeated just a few nights ago live on Twitch. Hey, hey, did you hear that? He called us heroes. Oh. Now he gets it. They were that day.

They were that day, my friend. And after defeating this baby alien god, they found a treasure chest with a shit ton of gold, and they leveled up! Yeah! Yes! And now it seems like it's next stop, Kadira, to get to this library, but first,

let's talk about this level up. Ha ha! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Eleventh level, this is a juicy one. Juicy. So fucking juicy.

Who wants to go first? Joe, I'm gonna put you on the spot because I know you're excited about this level. This is a big one for a wizard, although I'm thinking you took a little rogue dip. Little rogue dip? No. No, stuck with the wizard levels as Atticus begins growing in power.

He is awesome. I was in our hotel room this morning. Troy and I typically wake up on the morning of a show slightly hungover in beds next to each other. Head to toe. Head to toe. In bed next to each other, both in our underwear, clacking away on our laptops. And I just kept cackling madly. I'd be like, oh my god. Oh my god. Because Atticus now has sixth level spells. Yeah. And I'm not 100% sure if my mother-in-law screamed in excitement at that or didn't understand it.

But it's a real big deal. Yeah, it's a big deal. She's afraid. It's a big deal for what we do. I should say my father-in-law, Monty, the famous Monty is also in the audience tonight. He gave me the famous androids and aliens die that carried me through so many episodes.

Monty, I love you, you're the best. So I'm very excited and I can't talk about it because I have to see these spells come out in the narrative. I'm not gonna tell you what they are and let you get all prepared for them. To get a little general feat. But yeah, you know, we also, but then it's just I got a general feat. So I took incredible initiative so we can go faster, which is nice.

And yeah, that's, that's pretty much it. So the big thing is the spells, but we'll have to wait to see what they are. Okay. Just shocked. I got shocked. I think I just went. Stop licking the microphone. You pervert.

I definitely no longer have any viable sperm. Come on. Oh, thank God. That's a standard effect of electrocution. Yes. Google it. What happened to Electro? That's why he became a villain.

He was mad. So mad I'm gonna give him a sperm. Wanna have so many kids. Sydney, we'll come back to you. Kate! Hey, oh hey. Talk to me about level 11. Did you take a little dedication?

Anybody got to take dedications? What's that? So when you take a little multiclass and qualify for 2E? No, no, no, no, no, no. She's just a witch. She's just a witch. I think that's all I'm going to be. Don't say that. You can't find a 2-E, no? No, no, no, no, no, no. She's just a witch. She's just a witch. I think that's all I'm gonna be. She's just a witch.

Don't say that. You can be anything you want. She's just a witch. Is that a song? She's a witch. Pretty old Erin. She's a witch. She's a lover.

She's a witch. She's a lover. So don't let her out. She's a girlfriend. What's happened? Maybe. I believe they're singing a song. They've changed a letter in the word.

I see, yes. It was called a joke. No. Yes, didn't land, didn't land. Um, what, do you want to tell us anything about what you and Egg got cooking over there? So I also have six level spells. Okay.

Um. Huge. Um, do I want to tell you the? You don't have to. No? Okay. Um. Huge. Um, do I want to tell you the... You don't have to. No? All right, Jesus Christ. Wow. I won't tell you.

All right, good chap. But my, uh, feet that I took, so, you take a general feet and the internet's like, take uncanny or candy acumen, whatever, I didn't take it. I don't want to be smart, I want to have okay I saw incredible initiative and I was like it's already been done with Ethel I don't need it yeah that's what losers take so I took I took a break curse because I feel like none of us can really I was looking at that I feel like it would make sense for heiress maybe she's like familiar with

this type of shit. So yeah, I took that. I thought it'd be helpful. I also bought a few things. Oh. You went to shop for more than just pants. Eris went on a shopping montage with egg. What does that mean?

I don't know. Maybe we'll find out. Cute. Okay. All right. All right. Matthew, did you get anything cool as an 11th level fighter? You do get some things that are cool So you get armor expertise Oh, so your proficiency with your armor goes up to expert which allows you access to the Specialization effects. Oh, I have resistance slashing now. Oh

Nice slashing now. Oh nice. Nobody likes a braggart. I also become an expert at my class TC goes up to expert. Nice. And I got I went shopping and we'll find out about those things later. Oh. Skip? I took a couple of more formulas. Okay. One is the Quicksilver Mutagen Greater. So that will make me more vulnerable in melee but gives me a greater bonus to dexterity checks like the ranged attacks which I mostly use. And then I also took, I figured the bomb that I throw the most is the bottled lightning. So I had the moderate, moderate bottled lightning.

Now I have the greater bottled lightning. Nice. So it hit a little more consistently and does a little more damage. And then I took, for my general feat, I took linguistics. I took a couple more languages. Which shall be players to be named later. You're so smart. Yeah.

So smart, all right, and as you guys, some of you mentioned you did some shopping. We'll let that come out in the role play. Oh. Ahem. Oh. True story, I really did forget. Wasn't a bit. You! What'd you do? Something friggin' awesome. I also get six level spells. We'll see what they are. I'm pumped. I got a new feat that I would like to hopefully,

the feats get so specific later, like they're so situational. We'll see, it's a little something called consult the spirits. I think we would have a lot of fun role playing, Troy, if I were to do this feat ever. Hate it already. Yep.

Knew you'd like that. And I bought Pepsi shoes. Sorry, clarification question. Yep. Pepsi is still a snake, correct? Bought Pepsi some little shoes. You bought your snake shoes? What was that?

How does that work? No, I didn't. I bought Pepsi armor. You bought your snake shoes? What was that? How does that work? No, I didn't. I bought Pepsi armor. Same question. How does that work? You just wrap them in aluminum foil? Kate was like, is it like a sock?

Or is it like rings? And I was like, yes. I imagine the role play, if we were to have played out the shopping experience, would have taken two hours to try to explain to a blacksmith how to make snake armor. Yeah, I thought about role playing it. Now I really am glad I didn't. All right, so Pepsi's got some armor. It's all within the rules.

Relax. Doubt it. If your snakes wearing shoes we're gonna talk. Okay great. Well you have defeated this monstrosity. I mean Roland rocks. You were you were world so many 20s in that fight. That was the difference maker. That that is a classic character killing encounter. You come out of that. I just think we're flash forwarding through these things, we're seeing you guys wearily leave Munn's house at dawn.

Just like, after like a really tough B and E. Right. It's like, whoo. Did not expect that many defenses in that. You go back to wherever you're staying in town Kind of collect yourself you wake up the next day you hit up the shops you hit up the snake blacksmiths Going out of business sale Is a terrible idea Shut up. It's told you it's a terrible idea.

Shut up, shut up. It's like wait, someone's coming in here. What the fuck? I'll take one of everything, thank you. At a certain point you meet up with each other. Maybe you had a designated time for a dinner to discuss your next move. You don't think there's anything really left to do here in Casimir, so it's next stop,

Kadira. If you can teleport there, you can get there pretty quickly, although teleportation has its dangers. Otherwise, you can try and find a boat that will take months to get to Kadira. Months? I'm sorry, are you familiar with the map of the world? Months to take you from Casimir to Kadira. I don't believe you. It's what it says in the book. Well perhaps I have a solution.

Oh. Well I do not have teleportation. I have come in possession of a certain spell that may be of interest. Could you pass the potatoes? Oh yes, I'm so sorry. Thank you. They're very spicy. The potatoes are spicy?

Yes. Atticus, that's salt. I think they're... Oh, is that... Salt is a spice, technically. Don't Atticus, that's salt. I think that, I... Oh, it's not. Salt is a spice. Technically. Don't start with me, Aldo. I've been living like this.

Don't be a very long day. I'm not doing this again. The waiter comes over. I'm sorry, we've asked you a couple times to stop yelling. Sorry. I tried to tell him. I cast fifth level force barrage on you. Oh!

Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! The manager comes over. Anyone else have any interest in our conversation? I cast fifth level force barrage on you. Oh! Ba ba ba ba ba ba! The manager comes over. Anyone else have any interest in our conversation? That's the third server you've killed, please. Please finish your meal and leave. I'm staying. I'm finishing my coffee. Go on Atticus, you were talking about a spell or something.

Yes, but it is quite tricky to learn. I'm going to go back tonight and try to Put it into my book so Atticus as part of his shopping spree is going to buy several spells I've not done this before I bought one or two spells before but I have not we got a lot of cash So I did I've got a wish list of seven spells that I'd like to buy, but I have to roll

to see if I succeed on getting them. Awesome. Oh? Ethel's going to go book that boat. Wait, what do you have to roll? Because I wanted to buy spells too. Yours is different though. You can feed egg right? But he's saying as if like roll to see if you can find them

No roll to learn that I have to learn them you can feed them to that sounds like it sucks to properly No, I mean you do have it easier and I went online and I was like this is ridiculous But it is a little bit tougher for me, so I have to properly transcribe it into my esoteric tome of knowledge, and it has to be a successful transcription of the spell. The slightest error and the spell will not work, and I cannot attempt to learn it again until we level up again. So it's a pretty big penalty, but the role is like, only a natural one or natural two fails

for the females part. Well. That will never happen. And how would that happen? He asked me in the hotel. Something's gonna happen. Someone's gonna be waiting for that one. He was like, should we just roll this?

It's not like we have a song about it happening or anything. He said, should we just roll this now? And I was like, no, we have to do this on stage can we aid you is there anything no silence it must be completely quiet in here I cannot concentrate with your babbling all right this is gonna go so well this is really I wasn't originally gonna do this this was the very last spell I was going to try to learn it is a rank 5 spell and I'm gonna try to learn it now and see if we have this option. What is it? It is called umbral journey. Oh It is a remastered version of like a shadow step. Yeah

Essentially in a I think it's like in a matter of eight hours, in one day, we can do 20 days worth of travel. Wow. By passing through a shortcut in a mystical shadow plane. Yeah. Yeah, seeing sort of landmarks along the way, but they're misty, almost like they're kind of not real, as we pass through these areas. So we could have that option. And I'm navigating the warp. Navigating the warp, exactly. Wow, so eight hours a day you travel 20 days worth of travel.

You get a hotel. Yeah. Get a red roof in. You get a little umbral red roof in. Right. And then do it again the next day. So yeah, you could probably do it in three castings of this spell. Yeah, that's the idea. Okay. And all you have to do is not roll a one or a two? All I have to do is not roll a one or a two. Otherwise you'll have to wait till the way we play this game, 2025. I'll wait a year. Yep, I will wait a year.

I mean, you're gonna do it. You're gonna fail. No, no way. No chance. All right, I got this. I did not get this die at the die store, I got this die from Brian, or as he calls himself, Brian, which is ridiculous. His name is B-R-Y-O-N. It's like stop lying to yourself. Your name is Brian. It's Brian. You are a

cyborg. Stop lying to yourself. That's what he says in the morning, he's like, Brian. Brian. Bring exploding time. Brian's die, all I have to do is not roll a one or a two, let's see if we can use umbral journey. Brian, let's go, come on buddy. Natural 10, got it. Where are you Brian Brian? There he is! There he is! You were about to be Brian off. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah! I forgot! Oh, man. Should we rattle off a few more of these? This is fun. This is fun.

Yeah, just do it quick. How many more spells do you have? I'm going to name them too because then you know I can't learn them. Six more. Here we go. Name roll, name roll, name roll. Really fast. Ready.

Expeditious Excavation. Bam. Got it. Natty 18. Yeah. Let's go. Give it to you. Whatty 18 do that every resist energy gonna be huge at sixth level got it natural 11 baby this is the biggest one this is the biggest

one I probably shouldn't have said that oh Oh. Glad you did. Slow. Oh, shit! Slow allows you to target a creature. If they succeed on the save, they lose an action for a round. They're slowed one for a round. If they fail, they're slowed one for a minute. It's great. Third level spell.

It can be heightened to sixth level. And it targets all, up to ten creatures. Oh, shit. That's you You're just you my guess on this one. Let's go Now to 14 got it Three more here we go haste got it natural 15 Matthew you're gonna love this one this one's for you good buddy it used to be called stone skin now It's called mountain resilience. It's called hair skin. It's called hair skin

one for Matthew natural 17 One for Matthew, natural 17, Kathy Starr. And one more, only one more. Who are you? This is for Hattie. Something has changed, Matthew. Yeah, did you transfer your luck to Kate? Yeah. You're the new Joe.

I've even started rolling natural ones and going, God damn it! And I'm like, oh my god, it's manifesting harder. I siphoned my bad luck into her during Gatewalkers. It was really quite, so, one last spell. This one is so grossly Atticus. It is a rank five spell. It is very expensive. It is called Blister.

Ooh, ooh, I have that. You'll see what it does in a fight. Natural 19, not even close. Wow. Casey Joe, Casey Joe, Casey Joe. Seven for seven. This is awesome. Hell yeah.

Casey Joe. Casey Joe. Learn some spells, baby. Casey Joe, Casey Joe, Casey Joe. Who deserves it? Casey Joe, Casey Joe, Casey Joe. Hey, give it up for DJ Skid over there. DJ Skid on the Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid!

DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid!

DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid!

DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! DJ Skid! Cut back to you at dinner. You know this. You learned these this morning. Umbral journey. It takes on some risk, of course. Passing through an unknown plane. Do you use the blood of an umbilical cord to fuel your passageway through some sort of altered dimension? I'm not going to try to explain it to you, Ethel. That's exactly what she said. I don't think your mind could quite grasp it. That was a good idea.

Why don't you stick to hitting things with your hammer? You know, I'm an at-will employee and I can walk away at any time. You know it's interesting you bring that up. Well I didn't want to talk about it in front of everyone. But I feel as if you've done well, Nathan. I also feel as if this particular split, even across the board on everything, is getting rather expensive. And if you would like to move on, I would certainly understand.

Do you feel your service is at an end with us? Am I being fired? No, not necessarily. It is all your choice, but we are about to embark on a rather dangerous journey to the other side of the no more. You don't get to fire me, dude. I'm not. I'm simply asking if you really wish. Isn't this how you all feel? No, this, I think...

Hold on, hold on, hold on. He's warning you that this is a very dangerous part of the journey coming up. And so he's giving you the option to leave voluntarily. Look, I'll be completely transparent with you, Ethel. Your services have been impeccable. I would be foolish to let you go at this stage, but the truth of the matter is, you're very expensive. And if you wish to join us, you're more than welcome.

I mean, I cost the same amount. Should I go too? Yeah, but you don't- But you are bound. But there's the alimony component that we're not taking into account with him. Is everyone getting paid? I'm bound. Oh shit, Suki was here.

I- Suki, don't, you didn't hear that right. Oh, I must be confused. I also recently started a sort of business. I'm quite entrepreneurial. I... Here we go. It's called Human Resources, and it's sort of a liaison between business owners and employees. and it's sort of a liaison between business owners and employees and it's sort of a safe space only for humans what for only humans sorry I should call it it's very racist so just offer these resources to humans

it's weird because I'm an elf it's weird to exclude myself yeah why would you are you why would you do that I don't understand being resources being resources we are that's is it catchy enough you're being resources so you are resources I'll work on it I'll work on it but if we could all take a ride part purchase some of these resources? No, you're not. Yeah, he needs some for his ex-wife. It's not for sale, it's not for sale. You don't buy the resources, you don't understand.

I have a hostile work environment. Relax. Did you guys want to see a dessert menu or just the check? No, it's all right, we're still looking. Okay, I'll come back. If we could all take a moment, I think what Atticus is trying to say, Ethel, is that we all care about you.

You've bled the most, you've gone down the most. I've kept count, because I heal you the most. In fact, I heal all of you the most. And I would like at least a little bit of money like you really dropped fast you dropped your asking price really easily okay Suki, let us define a little bit of money. Like any amount at all. Oh, excellent. An honorarium, she's talking about an honorarium. Yes, yes.

We can provide you an honorarium. I didn't. I want an honorarium. You're getting an honorarium, mate. More than that. I think we all need to recognise the danger that we're heading into. I...

What does honorroa mean? Don't worry about it. It's not important. Okay. Finish your thought. Just saying. Atticus, you're right. It's dangerous. There is a very dangerous road ahead and Aldo and I, and Eris to a certain degree, I believe, are committed to discovering what is happening here.

You have, from the beginning, been here for the money, and has something changed? No, I have alimony to pay. And child support. Oh, you've got children too? Yeah. Oh, I should listen when you speak. That's on me. That's entirely on me.

Listen, if you want cheaper labour. No, no, no, no. Again, we're totally satisfied with the services we've received from you. I think I'm confused now as to why we're talking about this. I just want to make sure. Here's the thing, I just spent all the money we made and I need to make more money. So if you could hire me on, that would be great. Well, I think the best way, and I gonna go so we'll agree with me to make more money is to go kill more

people that are in our way and take the money from them yes that's to date that has been our most profitable approach sorry sorry sorry I'm so distracted Eris what did you say what are you talking to me? What? I thought what? Oh, sorry Where are you going? I'm going to the umbilical cord place. Oh, okay Just you know, if you're gonna go anywhere cool. Let me know. Maybe if you want a company Maybe I'll maybe If you want Yeah, no companionship companionship was good yeah well Eris

I mean you need to come because you need to bring your tiny hut I don't need to do anything Suki you don't even get paid what I'm sorry did I offend you you seem on edge no I'm fine. The fact is we are about to set out on a journey to Kadira. Is everyone clear on this? Yes. I am. It's an unknown land. The gateway to the east. A place of cultures very different than any of us have experienced before. I don't know if you've been to Kadira, but it will require a great deal of sacrifice I feel. And so I just want to make sure, Ethel, you wish to carry on. I wish to carry on.

Excellent. Then the deal is done. I guess I do too. I know you're wondering. And I shall get two gold pieces. Yes. Fine. Yes! Well done. Well done. One for me, one for Pepsi. You split everything evenly with Pepsi?

Of course. Why wouldn't? Oh no! Oh no! Sydney's doing math! And so, you finish your dinner. Seems like you guys needed that talk. A lot of fighting has made the relationships tense. And this jewel of the East is in the horizon for you all. You awake the next day. I imagine

Atticus you have a plan on how best to tackle this to you Are you walking down to the dock to the town square going out into the woods? It truly doesn't matter we could leave right from the hotel room, but where do we end up? I don't I don't quite understand neither do I well cease it I Think it works like this. So the baby is connected in the womb to this thing called the umbilical cord. No, no, no, no, no. We stop. Don't. We lay people should not have any input here.

I trust Atticus to do this. But Atticus, I would like to hear some sort of assurance that you know what you're doing. Look Aldo, I've never done this before. And so there will be a certain degree of risk. We will be entering a place known as the netherworld. It is parallel to our own home. You will see landmarks and sites that appear as if we are getting on a boat or walking past an inn,

but they will be shadowy, incorporeal, misty. This is what the spell says to me as I read it, but until you experience it you cannot truly know. I do know that you will move at a speed that is unfathomable on the material plane. Every hour we will travel as far as we would. Are you okay? Are you drunk? Yes. It's 9am. I had several mules and I'm a bit...

Atticus, Atticus. What's your name? No, no, I cannot go into it. What's your name? Let me focus. Every hour we will move as fast as we would in three days on the material plane. That is 24 days of travel in an eight hour period, if I'm doing the math correctly. So we will cover a great deal of land, a great deal of time, but I do not know exactly where we will end up. So by the book you will end up one mile from your intended destination. The issue is that we're going to be going to places we don't really know along the way. So we

got to kind of like talk to people, look at a map, get a sense of where a town is, and then shoot for that town. Are we crossing the ocean? Mm-hmm. Well, you don't necessarily have to. Is that a problem? Yes. That's what I'm saying. Do we end up? This is like the main thing I was concerned about is. Yeah, but you can get there without going in the ocean. You can.

You're going to circumvent this? The sea. Okay. And go around. The inner sea. Because of how fast we can't. You're going to circumvent this. The sea. Go around the inner sea. Because of how fast we can move. Yeah. Your best bet is to probably since you can, let's say you're planning on doing this, you went and got a map of the area. Trying to find like little cities. Just like you were planning a road trip. Yeah. It's like places where you'll stop along the way at a hotel, et cetera. Tonight we're going to stop in Nashville and then tomorrow night. Yeah. Whatever. And so you start to look at the map and you think, okay, this is going to stop in Nashville and then tomorrow night. Yeah. Whatever.

And so you start to look at the map and you think, okay, if this is going to take three days, if all goes well, we could maybe make it as far as a city called Old Sahir on day one. And then this is all just like staying inland. And then after that, make it to a town called Kozan, right along the coast. And then on day three, hopefully end up a mile outside Qatheir. Well, old Sahir, Kozan, and Qatheir. So, do you do it from the hotel room?

Yes. Walk me through this. He begins a casting, a brief ritual. It takes only one minute. He has everyone stand around and get ready to leave, as if you were going on a journey. Pack all your things. You'll need everything. And he begins the casting.

As he does, this purplish, sort of dark, blackish haze spreads out from him and begins to engulf everything around you. All of us to each other appear completely normal, but the room around us begins to become transparent, translucent, I should say. It almost vanishes. And as we go to, and he finishes the casting, looks in the direction we're meant to go, and as he takes the first step, to you, he seems to nearly vanish.

Just like, wha! And he's gone in a puff of smoke. Steam, almost. And if you start to walk behind him, you start to move at an incredible rate. It looks like, yeah, like hyper jumping in space or something. Like you see everything passing by you, but you're just walking and you'll see like people. And briefly, you'd see like a face in a market square and it goes past you. You're just moving in this basically like an upside down of the actual world at a high, high, high speed. It feels like you're running at an incredible rate. I'm thinking of like X-Men, like Cerebro, like an X-Men. Yes,

yes, exactly. And this is happening over, it takes eight hours. You can go as many hours as you'd like, but since we have to go on a really long journey it would be eight hours until he's utterly exhausted and the spell is spent. And so you're just like, you know, like Quicksilver just... Yeah, we're just walking like a normal eight hour hike. But everything around us is moving like... Oh, that's crazy. All right, so this is happening. Like on a moving walkway.

Yes. Suki is showing Pepsi everything. Yeah. Look! Oh! All right, so you're just hiking through the netherworld. Yeah. And... I will also say that he's hiking with a hiking stick,

but it's actually a staff. For a staff he has ever purchased. Not gonna go into detail on it now, but... What's that staff? Don't worry about it. Okay. And you begin hiking through the netherworld. Maybe at a certain point, Eris looks over that Ethel was not fired.

Ethel steals a glance over at Eris and then Ethel's mind begins to wander. And we just focus in on this blurry world passing by. And then the blurry world starts to coalesce. We hear sounds of water lapping against wood. And now we find ourselves in a dark room below decks on a ship. We know this ship. It's the Selen, darling. By the light of a candle, a hulking, muscular figure is hunched over, whittling what looks like a small model of the very ship he's on. This is of

course Ethel Merman as he works a shadow ships behind him. Ethel takes no notice. The entirety of his focus is devoted to the wood in his hands. Calm down. Calm down. Then the shadow shifts again and the light catches what looks like a smirk or two smirks. Two smirks. Ethel hums to himself as he works. Then he suddenly feels something on his thigh. Oh, man. He looks down, long black nails are giving the fabric of his pants a little scratch. What? His eyes trace up from the nails to a scaly gnarled hand,

to the sleeve of a black cloak, to a mouth, and to another mouth. Nice technique. All in the wrist. Yeah. Didn't hear you come in. Sorry. What are you doing? Should I stop? Oh, man. Uh...

I need a beer for this. I... They should at least be sitting on opposite tables. This is what you want and you know it. I'm as excited as anyone, I'm just saying. I've got a wife. An ex-wife. I just don't want you to get the wrong idea.

Listen, calm down. This is just a dream. It's your dream. Oh. Well in that case. Okay. Wait, really? You're honestly going to tell me I've never appeared in your dreams before? Ooh, Efe goes crimson. Eris smiles. Well, I just think we should be clear that my heart has been shattered into a million pieces. And I've come to terms with the fact that it's never probably gonna recover, so... Maybe Eris's hand gets a little further up the thigh. Are you doing this?

Your hand, your hand just moved a little further up my thigh. Yeah, it did. Ethel and Eris's eyes lock. The thing about dreams is you can dream whatever you want. And you can do whatever you want. So what are you gonna do? And it's on. Suddenly their hands are all over each other. Ethel dives his head down into the welcoming smile

of Eris's neck mouth. Eris's chicken hands rake through Ethel's hair. I smell sex and candy. It's getting hot, things are getting slipped into things telekinetic hands white gloves neck mouths and maybe some tears Ethel's tears But let's just say we tastefully pan away

Yeah after watching several several minutes of penetration. Of hardcore sex. Several minutes of penetration. It's never too late to be tasteful. Right. Then we cut to the drapes. And look at what you show. You show it for seven minutes. You're like,

just like hardcore pornography. And then classily fade to the curtains. White curtain. We black out, and we come up on Ethel waking up. Alone. Oh boy. Now it's the next day. Maybe Ethel is making his way across the deck and he sees Eris. He blushes like a schoolboy.

Rushes below deck. He turns a corner and just as he's passing Captain Skywind Freeling's quarters, he runs into Eris. Why are you avoiding me? Uh... I had fun last night. You? Wait, what? I had fun. I thought I was gonna have to like get you going but you didn't really need that much winding up. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I mean. Let's go. I had a dream, but.

Nice. Yeah, that was me. I can go into dreams, remember? Ethel does not remember. The eyes go wide. There are smiles, turns, and walks away. Rey. That was...we were...you and I were actually... Is there something wrong?

No, I just... Did you enjoy yourself? It was a dream. It was a dream. Okay. Good. Good? No, I was just... Good. Good?

No, I was just... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was just wondering if... Yeah? If I'd, you know, have that dream again.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can't hear you. I like it in the dream. I like it in the dream. I like it in the dream. I like it in the dream.

I like it in the dream. I... I can't hear you. I like it in the dream. Oh man. I like it in the dream. I like it in the whatever. You want it in the dream? I... I can't hear you. I want to dream again. I'm more than

just a dream you know. Oh and then she leaves. No wait. What do you what do you you want then? I imagine her eyes go wide. Now she looks at him a little too deeply, almost like all of his insides are splayed out in front of her. She's just deciding what she wants to play with first. I want to be the nightmare that you can't shake off. I want to be the nightmare that you can't shake off. Oh. I want to be the whisper in your ear when you're all alone. The lingering chill that haunts your waking hours. Her hair turns alive, starts to snake towards him,

gently brushing his ear and his neck. I wanna. They booked the perfect narrator for this scene. I know. Troy's gonna do the audio book, don't worry. A twisted, biased, overly sexual narrator. I wanna stalk the hidden corners of your sad and angry mind, lurking in the shadows of your thoughts. I want to crawl under your skin. I want to play with all your fears like they're puppets on a string. string she moves in close Ethel I wasn't even expecting that.

Pre-slug. She gets in real close and she's like, I want to bathe in the darkness you hide from yourself the thoughts that make you mutter and squirm in your sleep and then they're just on each other again they tackle each other they go through the door to the captain ship they're on the battle into the water gone and then we see like a train going into a tunnel, a flower opening, and then His eleventh level car. The best stock footage festival ever. And now it's after. Maybe there's a haze of cigarette smoke in the air.

And we see Ethel and Eris naked. Laying side by side in the captain's bed. What? Fully exposed with no top sheet. That's so disrespectful. Both of them are just staring up at the ceiling. Maybe they're avoiding each other's gaze. It's a little awkward. Sorry. No. I'm sorry. No. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. That doesn't usually

– I didn't really expect you to – Yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I usually – I saved that, but you said – No. No, yeah, I meant – Well, you didn't say that I know I just the eyes all over my body I admit it was a tactical error You were just You were different different Than the dream Well, that was really disappointing.

She starts dressing. Well, oh well, maybe, you know, maybe we can try again tonight. In the dream. Eris just looks at him music I'm not some I'm not some dream wench You think I'm here to make your dreams better Door flies open Captain Freeling comes in oh

Put that thing away and poke somebody's eye out! It's not what you think. I truly hope not. That's my bed. I'm gonna go. I'll meet you. Quickly Eris and Ethel gather their clothes and rush out. The captain looks around at her quarters. It's a mess, everything's wet. Puddles. Tears. Puddles? It looks like a search warrant's been served by a family of meerkats. family of meerkats. And that scene is why we are the best to do this. What other podcast gives you smut? That was X-rated. I loved it. No one is doing X-rated live Pathfinder. That's how we're gonna make our next million. I was really, really uncomfortable and I really did not want it to happen

and then I really liked it, right? Yeah. Like, I kinda want more of it. That's how I felt when I read my first smut as well. If anyone needs to go to the bathroom for a second, go ahead. Understandable. That was hot.

You realize it did end in like terribly awkward, misfired, bad sex, right? Yes, yes, but it also- Realistic. Still hot. Yeah, but I was just, I was left with the image of the search warrant room and everything soaking wet with tears.

It's so funny. Watch with all the bottles. I'm just shocked that we never noticed on the boat, that Aldo, Atticus, and Suki never noticed on the boat. That's all I'm gonna... No, we did. Did we? Yeah. This was like teased. Right? You guys

were down there together and there was like some indication that something had happened. Yeah. I mean... This was teased. You could cut the tension with the butter knife. Yeah. A dull one at that. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I just, I didn't know at the time... I didn't know at the time that it was... I don't know. I don't know if you need how sharp the knife needs to be. I don't know at the time that it was... Yes, I don't know. If you need it, how sharp the knife needs to be, I don't know. Oh, jeez! Something... Matthew? I'm okay.

I really got him, Matthew. Now that I'm turned on, let's continue to play. This is how I like to play. Turned on. This is how I like to play. Turn down. All right. You guys. It's literally been months in the making. I know. Hey, bottle cap.

Yeah, bottle cap. Bottle cap. All right. Yeah. Two bottle caps. Yes. And one for me. All right! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Two bottle caps. Yes.

And one for me. That you have to use tonight. All right, so you come out of that, Ethel, and you're just like, staring at her. Maybe she is staring at you, like why are you looking at me? What? Nothing. you like why are you looking at me what nothing just how are you good how are you this is so painful

This is so painful. It's like, we've been there, man. How did you sleep last night? Honestly, pretty terribly. I was just thinking about this time that my ex-wife and I were going to this place on the beach. Oh, there you go. There's the key to her heart. Bring up your ex-wife.

I've got a thing. I've got a thing. With your arm? No, it's the thing. I've got a thing. With your arm? No, it's the time... I forgot. Okay. Sorry, were you going to finish your story? No, no, it's fine. I really gotta go.

I was trying to open up a little bit. Be vulnerable. That's what my ex-wife said I never did. Be vulnerable. You're vulnerable. You're blowing it, dude. You're blowing it. Blowing it. I just, I've heard so much. We've all heard so much about your ex-wife. I can't imagine there's anything nudie here.

And I'm honestly really tired of hearing about it. It's fair. I gotta say. I mean, I don't have to talk about it. Do you want to talk about anything else that's not your ex-wife? I uh. You're as cold as ice! Egg. Egg looks great, by the way.

You think? I gave Egg a crown? Yeah no. It matches. She's got a new beaded circlet like black beads, deep black like gems with like a swirling like inverse opal almost in the middle. She's like, doesn't it look like mine? It doesn't. Yes it does. Right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You hear that? It looks like me. Yeah. I was wondering if maybe, I don't know where we're stopping when we get out of this umbilical cord world. Your description of that was awesome. Thanks, thanks for defending me there. They can get kind of snooty. Atticus is such an asshole

when he's trying to learn a new spell. I know, it's just too much. It's like the only thing that matters and it's like we're having lunch, dude. Can you do this any other time? I was thinking and maybe, you know, we could maybe get a meal of food. With everyone? We gotta eat, right? With everyone?

Like, are we all going somewhere? You want everyone to come? Oh, oh you mean just me and you? I mean, egg could come. Egg's gonna come. Egg's gonna come. Oh, okay, yeah. Okay, yeah, sure.

Okay. Cut to a hay field. There's an old man with a pitchfork. And there's a giant bale of hay. And there's a giant bale of hay. And there's a giant bale of hay. And there's a giant bale of hay. And there's a giant bale of hay.

And there's a giant bale of hay. And there's a giant bale of hay. And there's a giant bale of hay. And there's a giant bale of hay. And there's a giant bale of hay. And there's a giant bale of hay. and there's a giant bale of hay. It's the most beautiful bale of hay you've ever seen. You can tell that this man isn't just a mere farmer, he's a craftsman. It's like Christian bale. It's like Christian Bale. It's like Christian Bale. Is that Christian Bale over there? Oh wait, no, it's Hay.

He's probably been working at this bale for years. It's his life's work. There's one last scoop of hay that he takes with his pitchfork and he comes over and eyes the bale just perfectly. Knows exactly where to put it and places it on. Then he stands back to gaze at his life's work, his greatest creation, never had any children. And this smiles, and suddenly the bale explodes, and the five of you appear out of thin air.

Slash! Oh! Put down the pitchfork! Ethel buries his hatchet in his chest. See if he has any money! Ethel buries his hatchet in his chest. See if he has any money! He's threatening us with a trident! And the man bleeds out into the ground.

He was going to kill us. Oh, most certainly. Why is there hay everywhere? I thought you knew what you were doing. I said I didn't know where we would land. We clearly landed accidentally in front of a known murderer. I'm glad we took care of this. I'm sure, look, look, you see that rising smoke in the distance?

About a mile away. In that town they'll be glad when we report the death of this murderer. See if he has any coin in his pockets. I'll check the body. Alright, I check his body. Check his body. And then I cast expeditious excavation and dig a five foot hole that his body disappears into. And then it's covered with dirt. A couple feet away, you see a sign that says, Old Sahir, one mile, and an arrow pointing this way.

Oh, you see a small little village. Look at that. Perfect. Let's go find an inn. I'm exhausted. So you sleep at the inn in Ulta here and the next day you cast. Wait, we don't have to roleplay the whole thing. Nope. What happens? Does anybody else bang?

Are you having your date tonight in Ulta here? Wait, do you guys get your own room? We have to negotiate a better rate. Alright, fine. Welcome to the... Welcome to the hotel! We'll save it for our future flashbacks. Alright, here's your room. Goodbye. What's your name?

Don't worry about it. I am Youngsahere. My father built this town. He's your father? It's a long story, I won't bore you. You'll never guess his name. Good night. Good night.

And then the next day, you cast the spell again You walk through the netherworld Cut to another open field Why is it always an open field? There's a man. It's got a shovel And he's pired piled together the most magnificent pile of manure you've ever seen. It's beautiful. It's enough manure to last a lifetime. I mean, he's piled it perfect.

Obviously, this guy takes his craft seriously. It's not haphazardly piled. It's gorgeous. He's probably been working at this for at least a year. And he scoops one last thing of shit, places it on it, drops his shovel. I know he's still holding his shovel. He stands back and he admires it. And all of a sudden he explodes in the five of you. But. But. But. But. Blood and viscera all over. Just covered in blood, and there's a giant pile of manure.

But his hand is holding the shovel. Right? It's just a hand holding a shovel. Laying on the ground. Oh my God, clearly we just killed a man who was about to murder someone with that shovel! I will say this umbral journey has some unknown perks. It somehow seeks out or is drawn to sociopaths.

Murderers! As is this pile of manure. what sort of well I bet if we searched it there would be body parts off of course it's filled with human remains it's lucky we arrived when we did yeah no no I guess you're truly remarkable just to find murderers in every town we go to. You're Batman! You are Batman, except that you kill people. Yes, better Batman. You see a sign that says, Kozan, one mile this way. And you can smell the coast. Oh, you smell the coast? Yes. Smell the salt air. Let's go. Yes, you're about, Smell the coast? Yes.

Smell the salt. Let's go. Yes, you're about, I don't know, you're south of Opara. The capital of Tal Dor? Oh yes. You come into Kozan. Hello.

Hello. Are you looking for a room? We have two rooms left in our Kozan hotel. Yes, we'll take them both. Thank you so much. All right. Do you have coin? Of course.

Yes, of course. Do we look like people who don't have coin? We're covered in blood. Who else? I mean, clearly we could afford to armor a snake. We're not poor. Now, I have to ask, are you all married? Well, let me tell you about that.

Oh my god. No, what is the purpose of the question? Well, there is a custom in Kozan, you cannot share a room with someone you are not married to. So, I assume one of you has multiple wives and the other is just a couple? Yes, I have multiple wives. Or multiple husbands perhaps? Husbands. And... Do you care about snakes?

Depends. What if it's my son? What is it wearing? Armor. I suppose that would be fine. Okay. These are my husbands. Ah yes. And who do you point to? I first point to Ethel and then I see Eris go, mm-mm, and I go, Atticus and Aldo. And I make strong eye contact with Aldo. Yes, you are very handsome husbands Hey, thank you so much. Yes Very well, and you are legally married as well

Yes Yes, all right. Good. Here is the wifi code. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And breakfast is served from seven to nine right there.

Goodbye. Goodbye. We're gonna have some sweet dreams. First, may I ask, we are looking for a friend of ours that perhaps passed this way. A couple of friends. Yes. And then he'll go into a description of Lows and Mun and see if he remembers anybody of that description passing through here at any point.

No, no, no, I do not know such things. Were they married? Were the two men married? I don't believe so. I believe one is in the employee room. Well then they couldn't have stayed here. They can't even stay in the hotel if they're men married. I don't believe so. I believe one is in the employee. Well then they couldn't have stayed here. They can't even stay in the hotel if they're not married. It's separate rooms.

It is a room. Rule in Cossack. Cannot stay in a room together if you're not married. They could each get a room. Consequently I can officiate weddings for people who really need a room. Isn't that convenient? Yes. They can't stay

alone? I got ordained online. On what? Online. By the authority of God. That line right there. I was standing on it when God spoke to me. Okay, Suki and Atticus and Aldo all lay in one large bed. Yes, may your lovemaking be passionate. And they lay, it's like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory style. So like Suki lays with her feet by Aldo and Atticus. The bed's one big heart. Oh no, it's the honeymoon suite. It's the honeymoon suite.

Every suite is a honeymoon suite here at the Cozano. It's a themed suite. Every suite is a honeymoon suite. Here at the Cozan Hotel. It's a themed hotel. So confused. Oh, you want the caveman room. Many married couples travel to Cozan to reignite the passion in their lives. Here is some Brian Adam CD. Sad. sad music.

And may your lovemaking also be passionate. I will be watching. Good night. I'm sorry, what? What? And you get in the room and it's just this. You spend the night in Kozan. What goes on in this suite over here? Don't worry about it. Okay.

Let your imagination run wild. Perhaps something goes on that will be a future flashback in another show. But instead we just cut to the next day, traveling through the netherworld, thinking about all that you've seen so far. This group's been together for a while now. Why is it that we travel for eight hours every day and only Ethel and Eris speak? I thought that you didn't want to talk you know I am technically still married did you know that wait to the cult leader no have you not paid attention to my backstory at all I should listen when you speak

to my backstory at all. I should listen when you speak. One of the many deep loves of my long, long life was Aleric, who died. We found out on the prison on the moon, if you remember. Yes, yes, was that Indianapolis? Yes, it was in Indianapolis. The prison on the moon, it was called Indianapolis. Such an odd name. I forgot you guys were on the moon it was called Indianapolis. Such an odd name. I forgot you guys were on the moon.

I know. It's a weird game we play. How could one forget? We rode a giant dinosaur to the moon. That's right. We did. What the fuck was that? How did that happen?

That was a writer at Paizo eating acid and then doing their job. It was fucked writer at Paizo eating acid and then doing their job. It was fucked up. So, this husband of yours, you're thinking of him of late? All I have left is this locket that we found in his locker. It has me inside, which seems weird to wear a locket of your own self. Perhaps, perhaps it's time to move on. Perhaps it's time to let go of the past. Are you married?

Sorry, that came out in a way that seemed like I was being presumptuous or trying to ask a pointed question. I more so meant, have you ever been married? No, I have not. My career was first for me, you understand. It left no room for frivolity. Hmm. The idea of romance, my father always said,

women weaken magicians. Dan had a lot of really specific views about things. Yes. He was a hate-filled man. Was he a magician? No. Okay, I'm so... Was he a magician? Uh, no. Okay, I was so confused. When he got married he couldn't be. There was no chance he was a magic at all.

He would just always say that, I don't know. No, he was like a drill sergeant. He wouldn't let me do anything but practice my magic. So that I could entertain and make the money we needed to survive in a human settlement so far to the west. Hmm. Did you know that his mother was raised in Kadira? How would I know that? We, Atticus, to be frank, we never talk. I think this is the first time we've said

more than two words to each other and usually we're yelling. Well I would like to think that we spoke off air. Occasionally. You're probably right. There is a lot of hand waving that goes on. Absolutely. A lot of Ethel Eris, Ethel Eris, hand wave the rest.

Let's move to the next point in the story. Give the people what they want. What is this show going to be remembered for? Joe's roles or our scene? So you've been before then? No, I never have. I heard of it though. The Warrens of Kadira are loaded with rat folk. There are many there, but it is a hard life. A heart suffocating. It is... My father always said it was better in the West,

though the societies did not accept us as easily, and so one had to work so hard to even maintain any semblance of equality that it... I don't know. I'm interested to see the homeland of my ancestors. Perhaps you'll have friends there. Perhaps. Maybe there will be ratfolk in the markets of Kadira. We have not seen any rat folk NPCs. Wait! No, we have. Jenny Tutte. Jenny Tutte.

Yes. I had nearly forgotten. I don't think I know who that is. Oh, it was before your time. Ah. She was. Tiny murder company. We taught her to read. Well, oh no, we were going to teach her to read and then we just moved on with our lives

Something of that nature sometimes I forget I've lived such a long time 190 years What 190 years. What? Yes. 190 years. I know, I look young for my age. You do. I was going to say I forget that you and Aldo, as I look over at Aldo, what's Aldo doing as well? Hello.

Oh, you. No. Can you hear us? I'm just looking through the pamphlets that they keep at the hotels and the, by the reception. Just looking at local caves. Oh.

Oh. Ha ha. Browsing caves. That is. Anything good? Carry on. Oh, okay. That is a startling stalactite.

Yeah. I forget that you and Aldo have such a storied past. So much has gone on that I'm unaware of. Oh yes, without him I would be lost. He found me. He pulled me from the ashes. Literally. And we learned together that we had served Lyle's and some dark purpose. I don't even know what I'm going to do when I find him. Aldo! Hmm?

Stop looking at the pamphlets, just come here. Oh, sorry, yes. Let us say, of course, it is so unlikely. But let us say we enter the city of Khedira and we come face to face with Laos himself. What are you going to say? To Laos? What are you going to say? It's a louse. Oh, it's a tough one. I think I'll be very angry. I think I would say, hey, you,

why did you mess with my friend and myself and put us through a lot of unpleasant... Yes, I understand the idea. That'll show him. No, I think so. Do you think he is someone that needs to be... that we are going to kill. Whoa, I mean, I hate those. Many, many that live deserve death.

Careful. Many that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Atticus? Literally, yes. Well, yes. Then, yeah, I say we kill him. We've done it. I say we kill him. Yeah.

Yes. We've killed a lot of people. Yes, I think, yeah. Well, he seeks this ritual to bring this alien god to our world, destroy everything. It is complete nonsense, of course, but there is a nugget of value there. A power that if wielded properly could help to shape the world into a place we wanted to be. Yes, we should focus all our attention on the nuggets. Not what, that's not what I'm doing right now.

But yes, absolutely, I agree completely. I agree too Atticus, I mean, with power, you could help so many people, you could save them, you could protect them, you could, you could try, you could imagine a better world for them yes I've tried are we there yet girl what only seven and a half more hours. Right. Aldo, could you pass me one of those pamphlets? We've made a lot of progress tonight in the plot so far. Yeah.

We'll finish this adventure in no time. Yes. So you keep walking through this netherworld sharing pamphlets and life stories and after about eight hours open space. One might call it a field. But there are no piles of hay, nor manure, nor pitchfork-wielding farmers, nor severed hands holding shovels. There's the smell of spice in the air. Arachnids. When you look ahead of you and you see in the distance

one of the greatest cities in the known world. A sprawling mass of glittered buildings, side by side with ancient creations that struggle to remain standing. By comparison, Casimir, where you just came from, is a mere village compared to the mighty capital of the nation of Kadira, Kadir. Thousands of vessels ply the Parshman River, darting in and out of Qatheer's port as the city towers behind it.

Countless laborers, sailors, and merchants infest the port. And in places you can see the river is so thick with boats that you think you could just cross the river jumping from boat to boat without ever giving your feet wet. This is so cool. This is so awesome. This is great. It's like Constantinople or Istanbul. Yeah Aleppo or yeah another city or another city. You know those cities had something in common right? Yeah or another city. You know those cities had something in common, right? Yeah.

Detroit. Or Shreveport or anywhere. Or Kansas City, I don't know. Yeah! As a seat of education and trade, Cathere has a long and illustrious history and stands as the furthest western reach of the Calish Empire. You know that the city's markets can provide nearly anything you may want or need and you

should have no trouble finding wonderful places to eat or maybe find some sweet lodging. maybe find some sweet lodging. You walk into the city, maybe you walk, it seems like you're being pulled towards these ports along the Parchman River and just as you arrive in there's like all these traders, guides, and shady looking roguish creatures just immediately swarm you and start harassing you. Does anybody speak Kelesh? Yes. Does anybody speak Kelesh? Yes. You do speak Kelesh? I do. Well, you would understand that these people pawing at you

are asking, do you need a ride? Do you need a place to stay? Recommendations on places you could eat or maybe a companion for your bed this evening. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you understand all this. Yeah. And they're just like.

Yeah, sure. Yeah. Okay, I'll ask all of that. I'll they're just like. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Okay, I'll ask all of that. I'll do it, yes. Thank you. Thank you. You want a place to eat or maybe find a woman? Yes, my comrades, myself and looking place bed.

Your kelish is very strong. Ah, many, many pleases to me. All right, you follow me, I will take you to the best hotel in all of Cathay. Hooray. This way. Jump on my rickshaw.

You rickshaws, all of you through town. A five person rickshaw. Five person rickshaw. With a snake hanging out the side. With a snake compartment. Like a dog with its head out the window. Oh, you're heavy, but I'm very strong. All right, here is your hotel. Oh, you're heavy, but I'm very strong.

All right, here is your hotel. What brings you to Cathia? Ah, many troubles and troubles for anticipations. Hmm, I understand. Troubles, yes. Well, Cathia will be a solution to all your troubles. If you need solutions, perhaps you give me some coin

and I can help you with the answers that you seek. Coin doubled. Having on us will do. Does anyone else speak, Kelesh? Yes. Aldo, what is he saying? He's talking about the rate. He's trying to get us to pay for information.

He's talking about the rate of the hotel. Oh, well, let's just pay him then and I give him... Suki, please. What? Mysterium. Mysterium. Library. That is in the university district.

Bibliotheca. Donde esta el discoteque? I realize it must be really hard for British people to speak Spanish. Donde esta? Esta. Mysterium. Is that the infinitive? It is in the university district. It lies on the edge of the campus of the Venekan College of Medikaminsk Charulagery. The campus itself, is it easily visited or do you need credentials to set foot on the

campus? I think you can walk on the campus yes the mysterious way I do not know that building has been around a long time and that is not my business what is your business? I sell Tupperware. I have parties at my house. Housewives come and I show them ways to store leftovers. I've made my fortune selling Tupperware. This is truly a strange culture. It may sound strange to you, but perhaps you would like to sell Tupperware in your home.

If so, here is my card. Barlacan. You try it out for six months and then you see who is trapped. Thank you. You've been most helpful. What's he saying? He's saying the Mysterium is on the university campus, the edge of town. And it should be easy enough for us to walk onto the campus.

Thank you! I give him ten silver. What is this strange currency? What? I do not ten silver. Ah, what is this strange currency? What? I do not recognize this. Do they not use silver in K'thear? No, only gold. Go to your markets, you will find an exchange. All right.

It was a pleasure meeting all of you. I hope that we see each other again, for I like this voice. The this. Yes. Perhaps we could ask that you two aid us again. I like this voice. The... this. Perhaps we could ask that you two eat us again, should we need transport? Join you for dinner? We just met. However, should you choose not to eat your entire dinner, I have a solution.

At the ready. Yes. You have my card. And he looks down at the card. What does it say on it? It says, uh, Keanu Windchime. Keanu Windchime? Windchime? I have to type it. I'm gonna type it. Keanu Windchime and then it just says Tupperware.

This is a lovely stock and lovely print. Thank you. I hope that your journey here is successful. I'll see you at eight. I believe we've just made dinner plans with this man. What? Yes, I was rusty on the translation, but did he invite himself to dinner? No, no, no, it's fine. Many grotesque happiness to you, kind madam.

Kind madam. I wish happiness to you, kind madam. Kind madam. We have been talking about a third. A third? You know, like we were. No, say what it is. What? Go ahead.

Welcome to the hotel. Look at all of you. How long will you be staying? We don't know. Perhaps we could put down cash for seven nights. Ah, you have cash. Indeed. However, our currency is Western. Is that something that you can take?

Yes, absolutely. All right, how many rooms? Two should be fine. No, no. I would like my own bed. Yeah, I think we should all... It's quite cramped. Separate. Five rooms?

Five rooms. Yes, five rooms. Yes, you have it no six the snake no no stay with me would you like one night of peace from all the hissing and slithering I mean I'm just going to need one credit card no problem Ethel? What? I don't speak the language. You got me there. We're just following you guys. Atticus? Atticus will provide his goddamn credit card. Thank you. He looks at Ethel, he looks at Eris. No incidentals. Do you have a Cathia Hotel Rewards membership? No, but would you perhaps be interested in

signing up? No, we'll only be in town briefly. This will only take 45 minutes. And it's mostly free. Alright, with everything checked out here, here is your room key and yours. One for you and one for you and one for you. We do not serve breakfast. And then you leave. We do not serve breakfast. And then he just leaves. Oh. It's so different here.

It truly is. We do not serve breakfast. Put your back. If I were you I would have taken that opportunity to go to the bathroom. I know. We are, the place is so lavish and the service so terrible. It's beautiful. It's very, very confusing.

Anyway, let us get some rest and reconvene in the morning and head to the library. Yes. Yes? Excellent. And I'll go off and rest. After multiple days rest at this point you have, I would say you have all your hit points back, all your spells, all your powers, you've had about five days off, but still you reached Cathere much faster than you would have via boat.

You know the location of the Mysterium now, University District, it wouldn't take long for you to ask around to find out where that is. But would you like to take some time the next morning to use diplomacy to gather more information? Yeah. I want to use my new feet to consult the spirits. Oh. Oh.

So. You know, there's plenty of alive people to ask. Quiet. Hey, hey, is that Jackie Stallone over there? I spend ten minutes and I attempt to do a recall knowledge and basically these spirits come to me and they tell me things about the land or like the culture or whatever. So the DC is determined by the GM, oh in parentheses it says, usually a very high DC for the level of the highest level creature you might encounter in the area. Always got to read that last little sentence, huh? Well, Troy?

Okay, I will come up with a DC. I actually already have it. You know, the way I think of it is like you roll and depending on what you roll, you may learn more or less information than you need so what does this ritual entail it's it's ten minutes and these spirits speak to you yeah what ten minutes and you question resident spirits about matters related like whatever okay so critical success or success failure and critical failure failure is you're unable to contact the spirits. Critical failure, you contact one or more malevolent spirits. They are hostile toward you, though they may not immediately appear so. They answer

up to three questions but give you information that is harmful to you in some way, as determined by the GM. You sure you want to do this? I can do nature, occultism or religion. I'm gonna choose my nature. I'm a druid and I get a plus 23 so I'm feeling pretty confident that I would do okay. Okay this is this is a little different than gathering information but I still like it. You're like contacting the spirits of nature to see if there's been any disturbance in the area that may glean some knowledge for you. The air is choking with copal incense. There's Tibetan singing bowls everywhere.

Crystals all over. I've made a huge altar and an absolute mess in my room. Tapestries hang from the wall. Where did I get them? I don't know. And I've been sitting cross-legged for 10 minutes, Pepsi's on my head, and I'm going to roll my recall knowledge now.

Okay. Nat 20. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Let's go, give it to them!

With my new cool liquid core die. Wow. 43. Wow. Is that a critical? Yeah, holy shit. Alright, so you're sitting in your hotel room, communing with the spirits of nature. And... As is traditional when you're conspiring with the spirits of nature, sitting here at Bugs Rigg Hotel.

Maybe you go to a local park or something. I'm in nature, I'm in nature. Yeah, you're in nature, sniffing a flower. And the way I see it is like your consciousness is sort of transported. You're in this meditative state where the rest of the world around you disappears momentarily and you can see like a route, a direct route from where you are to a building,

a building with like a pyramid on top of it. It's like glowing. So you see the direction on how to get there and these voices say, Much danger lies within. The wards have changed. Many have perished. The place is unsafe. Do not go, or else you will join us. Um, Suki has like eyes rolled back in her head as she's communing with them,

and she says, What lies in the Mysterium? And she says, what lies in the Mysterium? Danger. Knowledge that should not be sought. Okay. She says. Natural says, that's a bit vague, but okay. Fuck. Well, shit. Let me think. She says, Not now! How do we enter the Mysterium? The front door.

Fuck! I rolled a nat 20. I told you a lot, but you're not paying attention. I thought bribery was the best. I didn't know if there was something. I have to go. No, I have one more question. Someone else is trying to communicate.

No, I have another question. I am looking for a book located in the soul. What's in the book? What book? You really don't know? The Necronomicon? Is it the Necronomicon? We already got that, didn't we? You're mumbling. Is it? We already got that, didn't we? You're mumbling. We already got the Necronomicon, right? No, we didn't. That is what we're looking for. No, that's what Laos is looking for. So that's what we're looking for. Let me just change my note. Looking for a book. The Necronomicon!

It's called the Necronomicon, obviously. Duh. That lies within the soul and the keeper awaits the day when they are given the to destroy it. But others seek that book. You're gonna leave now, aren't you? Thieves. Thieves. Thieves? Vizal.

God's spirit's cool as shit. That spirit was chill as hell. Wish we had more time. Ain't that just the way? I think- I smoke a cigarette. Ethel would like to gather information to see if anyone has seen Mun or Laos. Mmm. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. He's gonna be diplomacy checks and anyone can make them. I would suggest all of you do as you're going about town. Yeah, I feel like Atticus is moving through like the markets of Kethir, like trying to find rat folk. Yeah, and trying to see if, get out of here.

Did you? You shut your face. Did you? Oh shit. He did natural 20 What's the toad 33 oh What's the rat? Oh the rat roll anything well It's not exactly diplomacy... ...that I would like to do. Um... yeah.

This is gonna suck. I'm not good at diplomacy. So like, is that the only way you can gather information? Can you use deception? I did it and Matthew did it, so just roll a nat 20. Can I use intimidation? Bam. Natural 5. Okay. Damn it! I was still looking forward. We do not have any scraps of food for you rat.

go away. stop begging. oh you will be killed. and then he looks at this market owner and tells him that says so sorry to offend. He begins walking away. Look at his stupid little hat. He thinks he's a gentleman. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the most horrifying thing they could imagine coming to kill them. You cast phantasmal killer? I cast phantasmal killer. I'm not even kidding! So you walk away and it's like a Michael Bay movie, you just hear him go AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm specifically trying to find out if anyone has seen Mun or Laos. Anything about Mun or Laos. Well, I'm going to give you a lot of information where you rolled that 30,

including what you may learn about Mun and Laos. You learn that the building used to be called Hakkar Minar. And now it is the Mysterium. It is a stout, sandstone building topped with a pyramid and decorated with statues of angelic creatures on its four corners, one of the oldest arcane libraries in Kadira. You learn that it's closed right now, and everyone is very tight lipped

when you ask too many questions. You're like, no, no, it's closed. The stewards' guards are stationed outside the doors. No one can go in, No one can go in. No one can go in. You learn that the Mysterium was built in the early decades of Cathiers founding by Kelesh scholars, but the library has since come under the control of a sect of Nethus worshippers named the Stewards of the Vault.

You learn this already. And they turn the Mysterium into a temple of sorts, more than just a library. And while worship does take place within there now, it's still primarily a place of study and instruction, but they've fallen on hard times as of late. You ask about Lyles and Munn and you don't really get any direct answers about them. No one knows their names, but they do know that a group of thieves recently entered the place and triggered something terrible within.

So they think that these guards that are standing outside aren't trying to keep people from going in. They're trying to keep something from coming out. And because you roll a critical, the one last piece of information you learn is whatever happened in there with this thief situation, the attack may or may not have cost the lives of several members of the stewards of the vault, including their leader, someone by the name of Elder Leithin, who went into the building with a group of stewards and is presumed to be dead. But nothing about Laos, nothing about Mun, are they the thieves? Or that they in Laos and Mun hired the thieves. There was, yes. I wonder if we could appeal to the stewards as, to gain entry by volunteering to go rescue their boss.

Well we did hear and know that the bribes, the guards can be bribed. Yes, but I feel you could always fall back on a bribe. We could. But you could start with something of value to them, perhaps their commanders. Someone to go fight whatever has been unleashed. Yes. I knew all of this already. I actually knew all of this already.

I knew it because I spoke to some ghosts. Yeah, you know it was there because I did it in my room. By any chance did you speak in a strange voice the whole time for no reason? Yep. Yep. Yep. Alright, let's go. Wait. What about breakfast?

Yes. What about second breakfast? I'd prefer to rest. I needlessly used vision of death to kill a sharp keeper. And I'd rather prepare for tomorrow Why not take a day sample the food? Command is not going anywhere. He's alive. He'll be alive tomorrow most likely Also who cares all the stewards need to believe he might be alive would be fine Yeah, I don't wanna go in there

without a single spell slot not prepared, so. And also- You are the most you I've ever met. Dude, gathering information takes like all day. That's the, you know what I mean? That's fair. It's just represent one conversation. It's fair.

All right, we can rest. All right, so you rest, and then the next day, you follow both the directions that Ethel got and the mind map that Suki saw. And these spirits of nature. Until you find yourselves outside the Mysterium. Oh, shit, the back of the chest. You do see this squat, sandstone pyramid sitting atop a blocky building. Angelic statues, just as Ethel heard about, standing in each of the building's corners.

The walls of the building are also carved with smiling angels. There's a very definite angel motif, and some of them are armed with spears, some are armed with shields, some are bearing frowns, and their concerned faces all sort of meld together at the front of the building to grip

a curious round, ochre-rusted iron doorway set into the sandstone walls. A braided copper bell pole hangs nearby and you see the three sets of iron bars have been installed in front of this circular door leading into the building and those iron bars have been lashed to the pyramid up top with chains. As you approach, four armed guards stand outside the doors. You folks are in for a special treat, because as of tonight, I have moved this adventure to Foundry VTT. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Let's go to the video tape. Wait, wait. Hold on. Wait. Nice. Oh, that works. That's looking good.

Looking good. Smooth as butter. We're downloading world data. Great. Great. Oh. One more. Oh, thanks, Joe Town. Wow. We're downloading world data. Great. Great. Oh. One more.

Wow. Got a little of a live show. Wait, here it comes. Yeah! Foundry virtual tabletop, tabletop, tabletop. Let's go to the map. Oh shit. I didn't think we'd really get to the map. I thought we'd sufficiently delayed with ridiculous role play.

Fuck him, he can't see the map. There we go. Ooh, the Mysterium! Oh, nice. Oh Oh, that's great. There are four guards standing outside that circular door with all those angel faces, iron bars that are chained up to the building all the way to the top. So we're just like dancing in front of them, like electric slide. One of the guards sees you approaching. Such children.

Stop it! Stop it! We're doing a show right now! Damn it! People are watching. It's a dramatic moment. We're doing a show right now, damn it! People are watching. It's a dramatic moment. You start to approach and one of the guards steps up and says, I'm sorry, please, no further.

The Mysterium is closed. Yes, we were made aware that the Mysterium was closed. Wait, is he speaking common? Yes. Okay. We've been made aware that the Mysterium is closed and that your commander has not returned from an attempt to find out what it is

that is harming people inside. We've come to bring him out. Hold on. They, like, group up. What are they doing? A rat wearing a hat. Something, something. Rhubarb, rhubarb. Rat wearing a hat.

Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb. Who sent you? That is not of your concern. It is our concern. It is our charge to guard the Mysterium. What you say intrigues me, but I need to know more. Do you know of the danger of which has been stirred up inside? You could not possibly understand the danger with which your commander

is playing right now. We are well aware. We have been fighting it for some time. It has led us here. I could try to explain it to you, but you would not understand. If I even began, it could break your mind. What you say sounds believable. However, you do not know what is happening here. If you want to gain entry, that power is beyond any of us. You must speak with Elda here. She is the acting leader now. Across the way, in the university,

there is a series of apartment buildings. One. Wait, Ethel, Ethel, wait a moment. Come back. Come back? What is your friend doing? He pulls out a moment. Come back. Come back? What is your friend doing? He pulls out a gun. He pulls out a gun?

Ethel, why would you run if you're not guilty? No. There are a series of apartments just over at the corner of the university. One of them has a red door. Elda Thea is within. Talk to her. If you obtain written permission from her, we will gladly let you in.

Until the time our orders are explicit. Aether, wait! We're not ready! We're still listening. He's talking. Talking, talking, talking. So rude! Your friend is making me nervous. When I get nervous, I get shooty. We will return directly. And we'll head to this apartment with the red door.

Yeah. Alright. Clang, clang, clang. Ding dong! with the red door. Yeah. All right. Clang, clang, clang. Ding dong. There's a doorbell. There's an electric doorbell? There's a bell. Doorbells don't have to be electric.

You press a button. Well, he didn't say there was one. You press a button and a doorbell goes off. Dang it. Oh. You just did that to make me look stupid. Atticus is knocking, she's like... The door opens and an older woman, wearing a...

...hankerchief on her head, peeks out. Hello. How may I help you? You must be elder Thea I am we would oh Atticus would you like to take it away she's speaking common yes I'm confused and you're making me nervous no I'm sorry we were In let us grow! Ah! Hum... What? Who are you? You heard him, in let us go! In let us grow! No, it's- Oh, it's grow.

It's the R sound. What- what do you want? As a Theoteph, we were told to come to you for permission to enter the Mysterium. No one can enter the Mysterium. Yes, yes, yes, we know. However, an associate of ours has already entered the Mysterium. We are certain of this. An associate of yours?

Yes. What is their name? I wouldn't call them an associate, Atticus. I would call them. We don't like them. We're sort of hunting. Plenty of associates I don't like. Ethel, don't interrupt. Speak plainly.

Count Hasterton-Lowes, do you know this name? She stands up. She was sort of hunched over in old lady mode Old lady mode? And when you say Lowes she like stands up What is your association with this man? He's... Ooh. I want to do a perception check to see if she seems

haunted, angry, not liking this man versus like, you know, an ally of this guy. Like a psychology check here, perception. Yeah, like a perception. Just to sense which side, you know, she might be on. Yeah. That is a to 28 perception a to knee a 28 she seems worried when you bring up that name he is well we used to work for him, albeit not of our own decision. She doesn't like that.

Yeah. He enslaved us, for lack of a better word. He's up to some bad shit. And we are trying to stop him. We believe he entered the Mysterium with ill intent. And we wish to stop his plans before they are enacted She looks past you seeing if anyone else is around Come in

Can I get you some tea Yes, every lovely. Thank you. All right. I only have four cups. I'll take I'll take one as well Okay And then of course there's Pepsi Pepsi will also have no I'd like a Pepsi instead of tea Do you have a Pepsi I will lay the four cups of tea and you will fight amongst yourselves, thank you Please sit. Always has to make everything contentious. Every roleplay.

Like unnecessarily contentious. Make you fight over who gets the tea. And whoever drinks it first, it's like the best tea you've ever had. I'm not sure where to begin. I do not know how much you know about us and our situation. The stewards, the group I belong to, we have seen troubled times in recent years. Our coffers have run dry, and the elders, such as myself, we bickered and argued. For a long time, perhaps we would sell some of the Mysterium's

more valuable works in order to bolster our dwindling resources, but all these disagreements always ended in a stalemate. No real progress. To staunch the wound, we began accepting donations from various scholars in return for permission to study within the library. But we were always very careful to screen those who approached us so as not to risk losing the sensitive tomes stored

within our most hallowed chambers or allow unsavory people to uncover sensitive information. However as these financial woes mounted some of our leadership grew desperate and when a count from far away and his strange companion came calling with a very, very generous offer, our screening process failed and now there is great turmoil within. you seek. It came not long ago as Count Louls and his scientist companion. Bacchian Munn. Yes, Munn. Strange name and an even stranger fellow. They had with them a group of men, unsavory looking characters characters, Kadyran locals, in fact, that should have tipped us off, but our leaders were blind to their offering. Once we allowed them access, they went into an unauthorized area and triggered the Mysterium's defenses. That should have been the end of

it. But then something went terribly terribly wrong in the entry level of the Mysterium there is an enchanted mirror that was supposed to summon creatures known as axiomites defend the library oh shit indeed this. This is like creatures from the like planes of alignment right? Yeah and they're creatures of like pure law. Right. With no thought. Like Judge Dredd. Yeah like no thought of morality. Right. And just there is the law, the written law, and they follow it to the T, including killing anyone that crosses the... breaks the law. Yes, you know of these creatures.

Well, they were built to defend the library should its protections be breached. But something these men did must have bastardized our wards and in lieu of the axiomites these hounds from another dimensional appeared instead. It seems that they have remained within the Mysterium and have not ventured into the city to terrorize the locals, although they apparently possess the power to shift through space and time. We have locked the doors, not to keep outsiders from going in, but to keep from whatever is happening in there from coming out, because the hounds are not alone. Other things have changed as well.

Our priests have, in their silent meditation, sensed the presence of other strange beings as well. New denizens and screams. So many screams. My predecessor, that sounds strange to even say, but his name is...was...I do not know...Elder Lithene. He entered with a group of guards to investigate and retrieve these interlopers. But they went in and never returned. In fact, since Lowles and his cronies went in there, no one has come out.

What do you wish to do here? We wish to enter. If you wish to gain entry, I will allow it. If you will aid me in cleansing the building as well as retrieving my predecessor of course elder Litheen you must swear on whatever you hold dear that you will return elder Litheen even if he has met his end to me I would also ask if you should come across the body of any fellow Nethicians. You say a prayer over their bodies and wrap them in these.

And she goes over to a shelf and brings out these like funerary clothes. Just say a prayer and wrap them to protect them from whatever is happening in there. Should you make the place safe once more, I will allow you unfettered access to the library for at least a week, as well as a sizable reward. Looking right at that. He doesn't understand a word she's saying. He smiles and nods. Whatever strangeness has infected the building,

there is one fail-safe way of resetting all of the wards in order to make the Mysterium safe. You must venture to the depths of the building, to the level that contains the soul. This is a chamber at the very core of the library. Once within you will find an angel statue that has no eyes. You stick your fingers into the socket of that angel and you will feel something. Press that something and a tolling bell will signify that the wards have been reset. I will be blunt with you. Should you choose to do this, once you are let in, the guards will seal the outer door and you will only be allowed out after the bell tolls, signaling that the Mysterium is safe once again.

You must understand though, this building, I know not what you know, the Mysterium is more than a mere library. Each level is a gateway to the next and everyone holds four different angelic statues with heads that swivel. In order to travel, I hope you're writing this down, in order to travel from one level to the next you need to turn the heads of all four statues to face the walls that they stand before. Once all of them have been properly manipulated, the gateways between the different levels can be opened. Okay.

You've been playing so much Baldur's Gate. I love puzzles so much. I just told you the answer to the puzzle. Yeah, it's not really a puzzle more like an activity No, I know. It's like the most half-assed security measure Like what if this was the password on your phone you'd be surprised People who visit libraries don't normally twist the heads of the statues within It would just be weird. Is your email password possibly

ANGEL1234? Are you a god? Are you a god? These...hounds... They will be a problem for you almost immediately. However, we have studied them as best we can. In the first level, the university level, there is a spherical chamber in the ceiling

built into the body of the pyramid. That chamber is used by our priests to meditate in complete darkness while levitating. We believe that chamber may provide protection from these hounds if you need a place to rest or retreat to. One last warning. Nearly a hundred years ago was the last time the Mysterium's wards were triggered. Many Nathissians and other scholars were killed. To this day, their lasting psychic impressions have been known to rear up at times in bizarre and dangerous manifestations when people are studying in the lower levels of the Mysterium. Those who venture to the lower levels frequently know to look out for these

manifestations and some even go to study accompanied by priests so they have a greater chance at combating them. Surely a five-person party will have a priest among you. So I tell you this as a warning. While many of the manifestations have been purged, there are still numerous haunts that the clergy have not been able to figure out how to permanently get rid of. My fear is not unlike the way in which these axiomites have been changed. That some of these haunts may have been warped and changed as well, just as the Guardian mirror. Quick cue. Sorry to interrupt. Yes? Do you possibly have like a priest for hire or like an ordained minister for hire who possibly

could just join us they would be risking their life of course as are we we knew a man we knew a great man once I don't think he'd be here. Perhaps you know him finicky Finicky wet whistle. I don't think the reputation of father finicky wet whistle has reached the gateway to the east He was high level Big level four Or something. Come back, hey, hey. Ethel, Ethel, Ethel, come back.

Ethel, we will eventually continue. There is a young priest who is very headstrong. He does not have any powers. You say handsome. Headstrong. Oh, shit. He happens to be handsome as well. Oh.

I'm back in. It would have been weird if I immediately described the priest as handsome. I don't know why you thought I said that. What are the nature of his vows? Suki's pupils dilate. All of a sudden you understand me. He is young and will be unhelpful in battle, but he could perhaps guide you should you need it.

I can't say that he would even roll initiative, but he will certainly liven things up. What's his name? His name. You're going to laugh. It's Father Bubbles. Father Bubbles. Please don't laugh. Everyone laughs when they hear this thing. Hey, hey, come back. It's just a doorbell.

Father Richard Bubbles. Richard Bubbles? Yes. Some people call him Dick. Dick Bubbles. Dick Bubbles. I don't know why you're laughing So this powerless priest is going to come along and do nothing is what I'm here If you want him to be in your adventure out, I'll call them. Yes. Yeah, probably it couldn't hurt Bring on father dick bubbles

We very much like to speak with him Yeah, probably. It couldn't hurt. Bring on Father Dick Bubbles. We very much like to speak with him. I should very much like to speak with this Father Dick Bubbles. Father Dick Bubbles. Father Dick Bubbles! Reputation procedure! Father Dick Bubbles. So dumb. It's getting leaked.

Alright, let's wrap it up. Let's go. Alright, as much as I want to role play with Father Dick Bubbles, let's just go. You're welcome, Austin. Do you have any other questions about anything to do with the Mysterium? I will request Father Bubbles to meet you when you are ready to enter. Here is a written passage. Hand these to the guards, but know that they will not let you out until the bell tolls. Yes.

I can't even promise Father Bubbles will be interested. I have a feeling he's gonna be interested Do do you have anything else you want to know or things you may know that you're a question You know of the keeper. Oh, yes Who told you of the keeper? Was written in the notes of Laos himself, their plans to get past the keeper. They should have known. Should have known what? This man meant us ill.

The keeper has resided within the soul for over a thousand years. years a past elder bargained with the forces of heaven to secure the service of this are you all right I saw the book past elder bargained with the forces of heaven to secure the services of this immortal protector. An ex-Syndor archon. Oh my god. They knew that the Mysterium would someday need to scour away some of the most dangerous knowledge the stewards had collected. The Kiva waits within the soul, not only guarding these dangerous tomes from prying eyes, but

awaiting commands from the leaders of our order to destroy the knowledge within. Tsuki, you start to remember what those voices told you. It rings true if louse was seeking this necronomicon he undoubtedly met his end at the hands of the keeper and if he didn't thank God dick bubbles is coming. And so you leave the confines of Elder Thier's tiny bug-ridden apartment. And valiantly you march up to the Mysterium. We see it in the distance as you slowly approach Sandstone Pyramid on top. You hand the guards your writ of passage from Elders here and they draw you closer to the chains. And then they look behind you,

and a young priest valiantly walks towards you. Says, ho there! Oh no. The name's Father Bubbles. Dick Bubbles. And we'll see you in Austin. It's time to make your membership official. Become an official member of the Naish today at JoinTheNaish.com. That's JoinTheNaish.com where you'll get access to exclusive podcasts and live streams you

can't find anywhere else. See what everybody's talking about and join the nation today at jointhenation.com. On a summer night, Douglas Wagg Jr. lay motionless across a strip of railroad tracks before being struck by an oncoming train. I'm investigative journalist, Delia D'Ambra, and my investigation into exactly how Doug died took me into the depths of a bizarre mystery. on Talk now wherever you listen to podcasts. Welcome to a journey into the heart of the Texas Renaissance Festival, the nation's largest and rowdiest celebration of medieval fantasy. But what lurks beneath the facade of tights and turkey legs? Well, we dove deep into the empire to uncover a history marred by mystery and misconduct,

murders, assaults, and other crimes that tarnish its legacy. This isn't just a fairy tale, it's a cautionary tale of power, fantasy, and the consequences that follow when they all collide. Search for Crime Waves Renaissance Texas on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you're listening now.