The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 99 – Clutched by an Angel

Episode Date: January 4, 2025

The heroes battle the Keeper of the Mysterium's Soul. Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/afY7JY_9oRs Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Matthew Capodicasa, Sydney Amanuel, and Kate Stamas as they tour the country playing the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Pathfinder Adventure Path. Access exclusive podcasts, ad-free episodes, and livestreams with a 30-day free trial with code "GCN30" at jointhenaish.com. For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You are listening to the Glass Cannon Network, the premier source for role-playing game entertainment. Merry Christmas Philadelphia! Matthew, Matthew you've been rehearsing real hard saying to bring you a new D20. Everybody out there been good or what? Oh, that's not many, that's not many, you're in trouble. Oh, you better watch out. That's Philadelphia's native son, Bruce Springsteen. They call him the Chief or something. The Chief of the Board. The pride of Pennsylvania, Bruce Springsteen.

How in the Christ child's eyes is it December already? And we are back in Philly for the best show of the year. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Toronto, KC, Austin, Vancouver, St. Paul, Denver, Nashville, Indianapolis, Boston, Portland, LA, and now we're back in the land of cheese and O'Brien's. Yeah! Where are those rascally Irish, the O'Brien's? Show yourself! Oh, in the back!

Oh, look at them! Alright, that's where the fights are going to break out tonight. There's a lot of chileles back there that are going to be used. It's like the 700 level at the vet Just arguing over what a Joe rolled Fist fights We have we have a fun show to finish out the year. This is show 99 tonight It's a series that began in 2018. I did some math today in the hotel.

We did 33 shows on Twitch. So this is our 66th live show since we began the tour. Wow. Which is wild. We did 33 shows on Twitch? 33 shows on Twitch while I was trying to decide what to do after Giant Slayer. And then I picked something that everyone universally loves, which is good.

But it's wild. Why they call you an innovator. Yes, that's what they call me. You know what, here's a fun fact. I'm the only one that's been at every single live show. That's true. That is true. Unless there's some crazy fan out there.

In which case, let's upgrade their ticket. Well, maybe Jen. Maybe Jen maybe maybe Jen Yeah, oh Corona missed a couple. Yeah, we missed a couple but you you're great You're all great. We forget yourselves a big kiss This is like the glass can and Christmas party of the century there was 300 people backstage just drinking and kissing and fucking. It was wild. Normally we get a bottle of Tito's, right? And we're like, Joe and I will polish off half of it. Maybe skill gets saucy, have a little bit.

It's gone. It's gone. The bottle's gone. There were other bottles back there that people brought that are empty. I don't know what's going on. I offered my dad a beer. I was like, dad, let me get you a beer. I opened up the fridge and I was like, oh shit. Sorry, I got cider. And he went, cider. That's why I love him. That's why he's my dad.

Also, I want to point out, Troy made the joke about all of us like kissing and fucking backstage. It was mostly Joe's family, so I don't know what we're saying. I'm sorry. My mother was back there. My father was back there. It was just the biggest part of the crowd was just Joe's family.

It was his family. We love you. It's weird, you can see out the window just people walking by with no idea what's going on in here. Like several spouses that are just showed up and they're not the ones to know. Man, this is fun. I'm so excited. Out of all the reindeer, Sidney, what do you want for Christmas? A woman's haircut? Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! haircut were you fucking sitting on that one just ruminating waiting every every Gatewalkers episode you're like not today not yet and then you put on the

Grinch outfit and suddenly you feel brave enough huh maybe by the end of the show my heart will grow three sizes I don't think maybe your hair will grow three sizes we've got some Grinch buddies in the crowd tonight. Hey, yo, Grinch brothers! Grinch buddies. That's how you do it. If you want to show up next year dressed like him. Get that guy out of here! Are you incredibly overheated right now? Die.

Die. He said he's dying. He's going to be the guy that just collapses on the floor, is like unceremoniously carried out while we continue the show. Yeah. Dead Grinch hauled out of the winery. It was it was the last day of Gen Con and we were all in various states of rough shape from the night before and I was just sitting in the booth playing a video game and Sydney and Kate were there and Joe and I was leaving and I just stood up and said, you have a boy's haircut and walked away. And they laughed and they laughed. You know what I want?

You know? I look, I look hot. I don't know what he's talking about. It's funny. It's funny. Sydney, we roast the ones we love. What do you want for Christmas more than anything? I was gonna say, all I want for Christmas.

Here we go. No, all I want for Christmas is to be able to keep doing this. Because I love it. And I love being here. I love everybody in the audience. I love everybody on stage. And I feel so lucky. So it would be a dream.

Someone's gonna be real disappointed on Christmas morning. When she gets an email from me. Certain letters go out, you're gonna be real disappointed on Christmas morning. When she gets an email from me. Certain letters go out, you're gonna be very disappointed. We did get a very cryptic warning from Troy right before we went on stage. Yeah, it was very subtle of Sydney to put this out there in front of the crowd because backstage, seconds before we walked out,

Troy said, this will be the last show for three of you, but we'll talk about it later. So, enjoy it. We'll talk about it after the show, I think. I'm dreaming of a white skin, I think, after the LA show. It's pretty clear what you want to find on Christmas morning. More ham- related gifts. Yes.

I got a nice little ham bag here. I got a ham pin. Young lady delivered to me just now. Lots of people wearing ham. I was on PAX, I was on the show floor today. Someone came up and grabbed me. He was like, sir, sir! And they had a ham like taped to their head.

That's fun. It's taken off like wildfire in a way I could have never dreamed about. And again, there's been some confusion. I want to point everyone to broughtaham2.club.net, not the club. If you go to broughtaham2theclub.net, it's a fan site. It's not valid. I don't make any money off of it. You're not getting the real experience.

Broughtaham2.club.net, you get a free karaoke version of the song. Did you? Wow. Did you, was dotcom taken? It was taken, yeah, we got dotcom.edu.gov, we're all taken. Wow. Again.

Someone has brought a ham to dotclub.edu. Yeah, I said, there is some. But it's Arizona State. I think I nailed it down. I think it's actually Hamilton University I think it's Hamilton University. I think that they took the domain and There may be a lawsuit that evolved at some point, but I don't want to anyway. Let's just out of curiosity Who doesn't know what brought a ham to the club means?

I just have to know. Okay, not too many. I mean I could have performed it now if like many ones confused. Ladies and gentlemen, making his Philadelphia debut, Skid Marr with Brought a Ham to the Club. All right. ["Brought a Ham to the Club"] Brought a ham to the club. ["Brought a Ham to the Club"] Brought a ham to the club. Brought a ham to the club.

And it just sort of goes on like that. That's the entire song. That's the entire song. I hope that clears up any confusion. Where did you debut that, Portland? LA. It was LA. It was LA? It was LA. It was LA. It was LA? It was LA.

I trust them. It was LA. No, because I knew there'd be record executives in the audience. Right, right. Because it was LA. That's why I premiered it there. Sony called him the next day. Yeah, they did.

And said, stop. Yeah, please. Please stop using that beat. You stop it! That we own. Matthew, do your people celebrate Christmas? Italians? I'm gonna, I'm really afraid to ask this question, but what do you mean by my people?

Radical liberals. This year what else do we have to celebrate? It's a fair question. No, do you, are you excited? You got, you got a baby now that is she starting to understand the whole Christmas thing? Yes, she is. We are searching for exciting Christmas experiences that we can reach in Brooklyn without having to use a vehicle that would make her projectile vomit.

You got the Diker Heights lights, right? That would require a car. Ah. Well, maybe things will turn around for you next year. No, but we're gonna, there's a, I think we found a place we can go where we can sing carols. Fun. And drink beer at the same time. Even better.

Mirror will love that. Mirror will love that. There's also pretzels. Oh, okay. It's like a... Well, that'll be fun. Do you guys do gifts or do you just sit around and complain on Christmas morning? There's also pretzels. Oh, okay. It's like a... Well, that'll be fun. Do you guys do gifts or do you just sit around and complain on Christmas morning?

No, we sit around and guilt each other. What do you do? You do the... We've talked about this before. Do you do the Feast of the Seven Fishes? Is that a thing or...? We did it with my grandparents, but then eventually my grandmother was like... You're adopted.

Matthew is the only one eating it. Just your grandma. She like, jump over your parents to tell you you were. Don't you dare do this again. It's weird that grandma decided to tell me. She pulled rank. She reaped the bag nog. We did use to do it, but at some point we were like, I was the only one eating it.

Because I ate all the fishes. All the fishes. Did they just show up with seven fishes? No, it's a whole thing with dishes and yeah. What about the donkey? The donkey thing. Yeah, did you? Dominic the donkey?

I had never. Dominic the donkey. Bum ba da, bum ba da. I never heard of it before they mentioned it on the show. I had never heard of it. It may shock you to that I my Italian family did not sing that at home really That that said growing up in Jersey. It was all over the place. Okay. Yeah, it's good tune. It's on the pre-show Christmas list Kate what animals will you be sacrificing under your charred rim of a tree? you'd be sacrificing under your charred remnant of a tree. Just some Burning Man effigy shaped into a tree.

I mean, honestly, you're making fun of me right now, but my husband and I were talking about putting up our tree and getting goth ornaments and completely ducking it out in that style, so. Did the Cure put out a Christmas album? Oh, God. No, we still listen to Hanson Christmas at our house. Oh, that's fun. Did the Cure put out a Christmas album? Oh god. No, we still listen to Hanson Christmas at our house. Oh, that's fun.

Yeah. Sing out some hot tunes. Do you want to sing one of their jams? I'm a fool, but I'm singing down in my two-whats. Do it all, my in my doo-wah Thank you, Skid. Joe, I don't know how much you want to say about this because you have a lot of family here, so you might want to not be specific about this,

but during our walk today you told me a story, and it was a story where I wanted to be a good friend and be like, it's not that bad, but all I could say was like, oh my god, your Christmas is ruined. Yeah, my Christmas got ruined. Already? How Joe ruined Christmas. It was a natural one of Christmases already. It's not even the second week of December.

You gotta tell the story, it's so sad. It's so sad, I will tell the story because my wife, who I love, will never watch this or hear this. Well, I'm sure most of you are familiar with this thing that I saw on social media. I'm sure everybody's getting it as well, and I'm the sucker that bought it. It's a little thing called the Skylight Calendar. Everybody know what this is?

That one. Two people. All right, well, it is. Two people. Seems amazing. It's an electronic calendar you put on the wall, digital calendar, touch screen TV basically for all of your appointment scheduling, syncs with all your devices. For families, it's going to be amazing. We all have stuff going on.

Huge, huge. So my wife and I agreed not to get each other Christmas gifts. I then bought this extremely expensive Christmas gift and went to her guiltily and was like, I'm gonna get you a couple things. You don't have to get me anything. Don't worry about blah blah blah. She said, come on, you're killing me. What are you doing?

Blah blah blah. I just saw something was so perfect, I had to get it. So I'm online in a business meeting with McD and Michael Meridian, our production coordinator, and I know this thing is coming. This is yesterday between one and 4 p.m So I'm like alright I'm gonna jump it cuz my wife is on top of the post so well like anytime things come to the door

She's on it immediately, and I'm like I'm gonna get this 10 15 a.m I'm in a meeting and I get a zoom call meeting and I get an update boop on my email your package has been delivered And I'm like guys give, give me a second, somebody's at the door, boop, run out of my office to the front door, and there it is, inside the house, already, because they rang the doorbell, I never heard it, she answered it, and of course,

on the front of the goddamn box that they ship it in, it's just like, this is a Skylight Digital Calendar, idiots! And the thing I love most about Christmas, more than anything in the world, is giving great gifts. It is my favorite thing. All, for weeks I will look forward to giving this to somebody, and she was just like already back up in her office and in a meeting, and she was like,

it was like It's like she caught me masturbating or something right it was like Like she knew she saw something she should not see and like didn't mention it and just just like oh And I went upstairs, and I was just downstairs, and I was like And she knew she knew and so we have this sort of unspoken thing that's happening right now where I know her gift has been ruined, but she will never tell me she saw it, and when she opens it on Christmas morning, she'll be like, what is this?

And I'll tell her I love her and give her a kiss. That's one of the drawbacks of marrying a literate woman. Yeah. That was your first mistake. Yeah, see. of marrying a literate woman. That was your first mistake. In the Middle Ages this wasn't a problem. I know. You could have ordered anything.

What do you want for Christmas, Troy, you old Scrooge? How dare you? How dare you? Oh, my character's going to die anyway. I may be wearing the Grinch outfit, but you all know how the story ends. He shows up and he does a feat of human strength that none of you could accomplish.

I believe it's a feat of 10 Grinches plus two. Every time I watch it, I'm like, there's no way he's gonna get those presents up. Look at it, it's fallen off! But he always does. He always does it. Usually an enlarged heart is a pretty bad thing, metaphorically. He didn't live much longer than that.

He had his first slice of roast beast. Right, then he goes straight into the roast beast. As soon as the camera cuts, the Grinch dies. They don't tell you that. A steady diet of who-hash and roast beast. With an enlarged heart will kill anybody. A couple of dead grinses here at the end of the show. We don't talk about enough how the Who diet

is really high cholesterol. Oh yeah, yeah. Well this is the problem with the Ron Howard movie. It's fine, but they vilify the Who's and I don't like it. I don't like it. And I don't let my children watch it. How do you feel about the Benedict Cumberbatch one that is adorning your body right now?

That one's pretty good. Okay. That one's pretty good. What do you want for Christmas? You know what, my wife keeps asking me that. I'm like, I don't really want anything. I have everything I need. A beautiful wife, three beautiful kids.

How dare you boo me, madam? How dare you? I love you, three beautiful kids. How dare you, how dare you boo me, madam? How dare you. I love you, I'm sorry. How dare you boo me? I know one thing Troy wants. What do I want? How many dead PCs, how many dead PCs do you want? Is tonight the night?

TPK, TPK, TPK, TPK! There's a goddamn TPK sign! This is a bloodthirsty Christmas audience! Christmas is just as much about death as it is life. They're chanting for death. Yes! They want to sacrifice on this night. There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the whatever.

Ghosts are a big part of Christmas. Yeah. My chair fell. I know some of you are like, he's gonna laugh, asshole's gonna fall. No such luck. But at the meet and greet today... You are such a desire. I'm wearing clothes with a pie to silk.

Oh my god. Shut up. At the meet and greet today... What, 3,000 people there? Yeah. Give or take? Yeah, maybe more. The majority of them were chanting TPK

during the meet and greet. These are people that paid upwards of $10,000 to meet us before the show, and they want dead bodies on the ground at the end of this encounter. before the show and they want dead bodies on the ground at the end of this encounter. So for mom, dad, TPK means total party kill, which means every one of our fictional characters

dies tonight, live in front of this audience. It's a very frightening concept. It has never happened in 99 episodes of this show, and it could happen tonight. Well, no, in this show, yeah. Yeah, in this show. Gentlemen in the crowd, yep, that's you, sir, gave me some yellow sign bottle caps. Show yourself. I heard a woof. I've decided, Christmas has come early, I'm going to hand out these bottle caps.

Oh! Huge, dude! Huge! Christmas has come early. Oh, by the way, while he's handing those out, I got a lovely gift from someone, an anonymous person just sent me an envelope that looks like they did it in captivity and just scratched Joe, basically, on an envelope. It's sealed. I don't know what's in here. Oh, there's like beautiful things in here Oh, oh, it's oh, I think it's oh, there's a note. Oh, oh, it might be like an extensive No, does it smell of perfume? Oh, it's I have your wife's calendar

All right, this says, hi Joe, I'm a huge fan and I've meant to get these beef dice to you. Beef dice? For a long while now. Beef dice? And just before Jonathan signs off, he says, for the rose and the lives. Apparently. For Highbury! For Highbury!

Apparently these are beefy dice. Oh yeah, that's the color of beef. They're literally medium rare dice. Look at that, they got a little pink thing. He's gonna eat them halfway through the show. I know. I get so hungry during the show. If anybody gets some cheese dice, he's screwed.

Usually you can't make tiny things look like candy, but for Joe, it's beef. Usually you can't make tiny things look like candy, but for Joe it's beef. It's beef. And cheese. The candy of the sea. Beef nug dice? The candy of the sea. The candy of the grass. Makes no sense.

The candy of the sea. Do anything but play pathfights. I'm scared. I'm so scared. Especially because it's Christmas. I was going to jam one more thing in you're gonna jam it in there I'm gonna just wedge it in before we start the show. Yes, because I'm home I'm back in Philly for the holidays. Wait, wait, wait here. We should undercut this while you while you talk. I'll sing underneath it No, no, it's not that kind of

I have such wonderful memories of living in New York City in my early 20s. Home for the holidays. Looking forward to getting away from my shitty job. Getting on an unbelievably crowded train to get the fuck out of that city. Home in your circle. And come back to Philadelphia, home sweet home.

Oh, my friend. See family, see friends. And most importantly, during this time of the year, especially when they're kicking all ass, to watch your Philadelphia Eagles on the fucking table. E-A-G-L-E-S, Eagles!

Woo! Woo! If Kenny Loggins was dead, he'd be turning over in his crew. Ha ha ha! Is Kenny Loggins like a Giants fan? Yes. A rabid Giants fan. Known rabid Giants fan, Kenny Loggins.

Yeah. Uh, folks, the last show of the year, it's sad. State of the Nation looks like it's gonna happen on Wednesday, December 18th. And you're gonna want to turn, tune in, turn in. Turn in before it's... You want to want to turn in early before that show. You don't want to hear it. You're not gonna like it. You sleep before it's... You wanna turn in early before that show. Don't wanna hear it.

You're not gonna like it. Sleep through it. It would be the best. But let's just say it, for the 3,000 people here in attendance tonight. Woo! It's a special night? Joe.

Take it to the recap. Okay. Woo! Woo! Give us some sexy music. No. Sexy Christmas music. Sexy Christmas. Nothing says Christmas like sex. I love when Joe yes-ands me by saying no.

It does celebrate a birth. That's the only birth not achieved via sex. Is there a sexy Christmas song? Mariah Carey. Oh, the uh... Santa Baby. What is it? Santa Baby.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Oh yeah, that's good. Yeah. Yeah. I have a fun version of that, I'll tell you after the show. Okay. Is this the recap music? Alright, now listen, I know you don't like my recaps, but you have to understand, I'm

recapping the year right now. I love your recaps. No you don't. You start talking to her about stuff. Because we're talking about the first two rounds of combat. Like we're getting shit done already. Don't worry about that. Live in the now, man. Live in the now. Literally, it doesn't matter. We're all gonna die.

How dare you? That is such a nihilistic approach to my recaps. Fireball. Fireball. We doing fireball show? Somebody send up some fireball? You know, we should probably, maybe it's just the vodka talking, but I think we should rip some shots up here tonight. Fireball.

Not right now. Not right now. No. Not right now. Five, ten minutes from now. When things are getting really bad, we'll do that. If you kill our characters, then I might consider it, But until such time, I need to be reasonably sharp. Give this guy some limoncello, whatever you...

All right, all right, you've convinced me. Just like, racist Italian. Limoncello is our typical. And everyone's so typical, dude. Give him some spaghetti. Alright, here we go. Recap. Shut up.

Shut up, table five. We have spent the better part of this entire year in a library of the occult called... Kate, what's it called? The Mysteria. Mysteria, Mysteria. No extra bottle caps. Damn it. Our heroes came here long ago, like April. Hot on the trail of a man named Count Hazerton Lowles.

The fourth, not the third, that was his dad. Also a bad guy. This is the fourth. This is a man that some of them used to work for in some capacity. Joe's character and Skid's character. A man who took Joe's character and Skid's character and other characters who were no longer with us into the dimension of dreams, robbed them of their memories by drowning them in an oasis and then left them in an asylum a man who in his search for knowledge that no one should have has opened up his mind so much to the world beyond that an alien entity, a great old one named

Jamin Dorr has got in, has infected this count. So the count, Wals, came to the Mysterium in search of a book, the Necronomicon. The Necronomicon. We were walking around PAX today and Joe goes, there it is right there. Somebody had it at their booth and I was like, Found it. Found it. Hey! It's like, ah, no, look at that. This is a very dangerous

tome that the Count believes will lead him to a hidden city where ancient monuments that pre-exist humanity lie and these monuments can be activated so that Xamandor can enter our world and lay waste to it. I lost my place. I'm kind of improv little. Thank you. Thirsty.

You want us to cover for you? No, fine. I'm fine. Hidden City, blah blah blah. Louse! Found it. He lied to the stewards. Here we go.

I blame myself. I took too long. Can't fucking control themselves. That wasn't even like a bit. I was honestly like we need to talk about something. You weren't talking for like four or five straight minutes. You're right. You're right. You're not wrong. He bribed these stewards, these protectors of the Mysterium. He lied to them and bribed so that he could get in.

But once he got in, he went to places he wasn't supposed to go in search of this book. And his mere presence, infected as it is by this Jamin-dor, it bastardized the wards of the Mysterium, creating these haunts and turning even the good and lawful guardians of the place into these evil entities. So you come to the Mysterium and are told by one of the stewards, a woman by the name of Elder Theor, that the head of the stewards, someone named Elder Lethene, went in with a group of people to try and find Laos, and he never came out. So she's like, if you want to go in, you need to rid this place of Laos,

you need to find Elder Lethene, living or dead, and retrieve him, and you need to reset the wards of the Mysterium. There is a switch deep within the Mysterium that will reset whatever Lyle's has done. So quote Skid in LA, why would you put the circuit breaker all the way down here? I know.

It should be near the entrance. It should be right near the entrance. So you go in, and for the past year, you have been delving deeper and deeper into the Mysterium, unlocking gateways, battling tortured souls and ghastly eldritch beasts, all under the guidance of a steward in training, a handsome young priest by the name of Father Dick Bubbles. Oh, there's Bubbles! Bubbles in the crowd! It really is the greatest insult that when we TPK the one who's going to have to tell

our story is Father Bubbles. As you're looking around, you eventually find... That was weird. You just catch a bubble bubble I caught a bubble You're looking around you're delving from floor to floor you eventually find tell your lethene take bubble I caught one I caught one. Let me get through this recap. You find Elder Lethene, who sadly perished at the hands of either Lyle's, the hired thugs

that Lyle's brought in there, or these other creatures that you've had to face, you eventually unlock a puzzle box so that you can enter what feels like an extra-dimensional space within the Mysterium, the library's soul. Before you go in, Apple chokes out Father Dick bubbles to unconsciousness like a UFC fighter. I, in my defense, everyone asked me for that. He was, he was, he was being a little annoying, but he was also really helpful. So now father Dick and the deceased corpse of elder Luthien lie outside of the soul. The rest of you go in and inside this soul of the library

there are books everywhere including several hanging from long chains dangling from the ceiling. As he... oh fuck I skipped ahead. As you stand there watching this on both, where are we? You see a vision, a vision of Count Lolls in this same place, reaching up, removing a book from one of the chains, staring at it wide-eyed, pulling a scroll out of his coat, reading something, zoom, and disappearing with the book. As he disappears, you then see a tower brimming with gnolls

and topped with a lush garden. Somewhere within you hear this tired voice call out to you, come. He may have the tome but it's not too late. Come now, presumably, to this tower. As both visions fade, a huge angel-like creature from the awesome poster behind, over there, stands there in this now empty space above this chain where no book hangs. This is for my mom. This is the for my mom. This is the angel, mom. It's the angel of death.

It's the angel of death. He's sitting there, he's standing there tortured, it's like a statue that comes to life, fiery wings whip out to the side, he lets out a wail that sends all of you to various states of frightened, lowering your two hit and your AC. You try to fight back and we end last session with this keeper of the soul ready to unleash a fireball, heightened to seventh level. Could be worse.

Anybody have any questions? Not you. People playing the game. Do you guys have any questions about everything I just said? Yes. All right, we'll keep it till the end of the show No, what do you got Sydney? Are you mad at me? Sydney yes

Of course of course I'm angry Honesty always have always will know that's all you have further questions You're doing pretty good. I rest my case are we so, so we're all in the blast radius of the said fireball. I'm so glad you asked that. Let's bring it to the map! Bring it to the map! Oh! Look at that.

Oh, yep. Let's watch it load, everybody. Let's download the world data. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, wait, wait! Yeah! Davey Maps! I am the angel of death. Angel of death. Matthew's character. Skid's character. Oh shit.

Kate's character. I just realized I should have fucking put some Slayer on here. Wait a minute. Oh and Pepsi the snake? Joe's mom and dad. That's my character's pet, Pepsi, who's a snake oh and pepsi the snake joe's mom and dad that's my character's pet pepsi who's a snake so when i say pepsi we're talking about the snake right is that a crystal pepsi that that artwork that's crystal pepsi yes yeah now skid you asked are we all in the blast yes everyone except pepsi oh okay pepsi can live to tell our story. And tell our story.

In parcel tongue to Harry Potter. Now, here's the thing. Matthew, is there anything you want to say? Or you want me to talk about the elephant in the room? Is the elephant in the room that I'm embiggened? No. Embiggened? You're not as big as the angel, but you are in big and.

You might think to yourself, oh, I'm a fighter, why can't I take a retributive strike? Yeah, why can't he do that? Yeah, why can't I do that? That's exactly what I was going to ask. Because you used a reaction at the end of last turn to use aid on Aldo. So you don't get your reaction. I shouldn't have aided you. I mean, that was truly idiotic. I didn't even need it.

Yep, it gave him a plus two and it didn't help. And now you can't take an attack of opportunity. I need Atticus, Aldo, Ethel, Suki and Eris. And Egg. And Egg, how could we forget Egg? Wow. Egg's about to be Eggnog, am I right? Shut up. Eggnog is frightened three by the way.

Some of you are frightened one, some of you are frightened two. Some of you, thanks to Atticus, are frightened to some of you thanks to Atticus Have resist fire ten resist energy fire ten that is Aldo and Ethel, and you'll need it You have a bottle cap Give me I see what I roll first a reflex save and don't lie All right Atticus God is watching attempts to jump out of the way of this explosion. I'm going to use this beautiful old die given to me by Jake.

It's Jake, right? Whenever he tells a story about a die. I love telling stories about dies. Shut up! It's my Christmas. This die is clearly from the 80s. It's beautiful and I can barely read it let's go this is a very big save for all of us just wants you to know we're all counting on you

come on Jake Sydney looks so yeah you're right there I have Sydney looks sad don't piss. Why'd you censor yourself? Fail. Not critical fail. Which is all I needed to avoid. We'll get to the numbers in a moment. Are you guys all rolled over there? I'm gonna use my battle cap. Can I have it? Here you go.

Okay. Alright, so a little re-roll. was it better or worse it was better oh no I like one or two all right so let's take it over to Sydney I don't know I don't know if I should reroll I am so conflicted should I tell you what I got not you you want you say it aloud's locked. I believe that would violate the rules of the I'm gonna re-roll. I'm gonna re-roll. That's another bottle cap already getting spent Well, have you seen the yellow sign? All right, two caps. That's why I gave them out,

just so you fucking burn them. All right, watch it be worse, watch it be a one. Oh, man. Sydney, stop it. She looks like she's got a hairball under her table. I mean literally anyone but the healer, like anyone but the healer. Sydney, what did you roll? I have to go back to therapy

Because of this role when you stopped going to therapy. Yeah Therapy they said you're done You're fixed You graduated. Here's your score high score. I did it. I'm not sure you were in therapy. What the hell? I think that was a Kmart. Do you want to know what I got or do you want me to lie? I want you to tell everyone here in attendance what you rolled.

I rolled a natural one. Where is the TPK sign? Oh, there it is. Wow. Security! To be clear I believe Sydney made the right choice considering that her previous role was almost certainly a critical fall anyway. My previous role was a natural four. So was mine. It needed to happen and this is just what the Dice Gods want I

guess is for me to die and cry on stage in Philadelphia in front of... Okay. happen and this is just what the dice gods want, I guess. It's for me to die and cry on stage in Philadelphia in front of... Okay. Joe, what did you roll? I got a 33. 33, Larry. Larry. Larry.

Kareem. Larry. Kate, what did you roll on your second attempt? So, Egg has a 27. Pretty good, pretty good. And then Aris has a 25. You sure about that final answer? Yep, that's math. 25. 27 and 25. Okay, would you roll again Joe? 34? Sure. Oh 33, that's right. Larry? Who corrected him? Capita, Capricazzo? 25. Oh, jeez.

Which I believe, I'm gonna make a prediction. Critical fail. Yeah, 25? Well, yeah, I think it's gonna be 35. I think that's the DC, that's why I said fail, not critical fail, not 33. What about Aldo? He's been with us since day one,

the only character that was in the first scene of this show. I am also gonna trade in this bottle cap. Oh! So mama, bottle cap means you get to re-roll your failure, attempted a second time. But you could roll worse, yeah. Like Sydney did. It can happen

Power the ham come on power of the ham do to not 20 you take zero damage That's a good? 29. Oh, okay. It's better. Sydney obviously critically failed. Really? With a one. Joe saved. Whoa! Half damage, calm down.

My man! Yes! Fail, fail, fail. Okay. Okay. Let's start with Sydney's damage. Oh my god I think suki in an attempt like her healing nature came out and she just went to block like anyone near her risking her own life She takes a hundred and eighteen points How many hit points do you have?

Not that many! I'm down. Dying too. Because I got hit with a crit. We walked in, I was hit with a crit. I was already down. I fourth level healed myself. But was not up to my full hit points. My full hit points are

127. I was already down dying to. Dying to. Suki is soaking wet, but that doesn't help. Right. She is engulfed in flames. That's a previous affliction. It falls unconscious. The three of you take 59 points of damage Including egg the four of you. Egg disintegrates Just like scrambled eggs Just in her pocket like ash falls out. Oh my god. You're a monster

59. Don't blame me, blame the angel of death. 59. Anybody else still up over there? Yeah. Yeah, you're still up. You, you shitty rat. What's up, Jake? That's my man right there.

Uh, uh, AD and D. 20, stop it. You take 29 points of damage. Yeah, that is accurate. Now Aldo and Ethel, remember, you take 10 less. Yes. You're gonna take 49. Alright. Everybody else is standing except the obviously dead, soon to be dead Suki. Not dead yet. Pepsi's still up. It still has one more action. Oh my god. I feel like a break dancer in this. I'd like to see you. Just for the sake of the health of your back. It's a ham in the club. Not one last time live ago you were walking with a cane. Please don't break dance yet. Yeah. Haven't you broken enough? Remember old man Troy?

He's dead. All right. Well, who's right next to me? Ethel. Hi. What do I think guys? Long sword or torturous touch? Who likes long sword?

Who likes torturous touch? It's time for a torturous touch. One action John Zoni, really? Yup. Just an attack. All right. God, I hate these dice. I'm throwing away all these dice at the end of the session. I want new dice for 2025. New me, new dice. All right, not a good roll, but as we know, this creature is at least seven or eight levels ahead of you. Sorry, I just gotta mention, Sydney just started eating a full-size Snickers. Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! How dare you judge a grieving woman? I got nothing going on for the next two hours. Oh, actually, I forgot you were dead. That's right. What does it matter? Anybody want to hang out? I'm free, so.

You should just bring a die and sit in the crowd. All right. It reaches out a hand. Remember, its face, its head is just this like floating orb. Like the awesome poster from Angeline. Thirty-four to hit. That hits. Not a crit?

Not a crit. I don't know why you lied to everybody. All right, let me roll out. I need more D100s. What? D100s. What? D100? D100?

That's what I want for Christmas. More D100s. Are you putting me on the confusion table? 514. Alright, hold on. Ah. He's so bad. 30 points of slashing damage as this touch just rips away pieces of your skin.

Ah! And five points of fire because it burns! Zero points of fire. Oh! Still up? Still up. Folks, if you've been following this show since episode one, we exaggerate all the time. I do.

But I think this is one of the most important rounds in Strange Aeon's history. At the end of this creature's turn, they don't even listen. They have only themselves to blame. Until the start of its next turn, what are you going to do? We go back to Initiative, and it is Ethel's turn.

First action. Ethel is embiggened, as we said. Yeah, he is. He is also still wearing. Woo! Kate. Kate, there are children in the audience. I'm uncomfortable.

He is still wearing his white gloves, which are healers gloves. Because I'm enlarged, my reach extends to 10 feet. So Ethel reaches over, touches Suki, and heals her. Touching you. Wow. Wow. So Suki. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Normal healing. I smell a love triangle. You know what I want to get for Christmas? To get through a term without Joe Brian saying wait a minute You know what I'm just not gonna say no I want you to say what you're gonna say Before I put the wounded condition on here. What did he do wrong? What rules boy? Tell him what you think tell him what you think he did wrong. I don't know you did anything wrong I'm just wondering if having a weapon in your hand matters.

Or not. That's a good question. I don't think it does. I didn't look at anything and I don't know. I don't know it does. Touch her with the back of the hand, bro. Hatch it here, hand in the back, boo! Magic, healed.

Let's look up free hand. I'm gonna kill myself. My character doesn't die. I'm gonna kill myself. And my character doesn't die. I'm gonna kill my character. Sydney, don't kill yourself. It's Christmas. You're too beautiful. A free hand.

You need a free hand. So you either got to, you can drop your weapon. Free action. You don't need that anymore. Don't do that. You can stow that, John. Don't do, wait, but, oh no. Don't do that.

I will spend my turn trying to get her up, Matthew. Or you can let me. I'm quickened. Let me go. Just let me go. Yeah, do your thing. So I could drop the weapon, heal, pick up the weapon, double slice.

And still have a strike. Two. Yeah, I think you should do that, actually. Oh no, just one strike, just one strike, because I'd have to. Yeah, because you can't double slice with, yeah. Also, I want to point out too, for initiative order, Pepsi can still act.

So if you bumped Suki out, Pepsi should stay because Pepsi can stride or strike. She's so... or he or he? Unknown. They are so mature. Yeah, super mature. Pepsi is... he can do his own thing. Yeah.

You don't have to command Pepsi. Nope. Okay. I'm sure that's 100% right. It is. It is 100% right. OK. OK, Ethel is going to drop the axe. Ting, ting, ting.

All of a sudden, it disappears. Oh, stop. What? No. What is going on in this strange, liminal space? You are now weaponless. Stop it. I have another weapon in my hand.

Also, you're full of shit. It disappears as well. Both weapons disappear. OK, it's only nine points of healing, but you're up. Thank you. She's not up, she's still lying without weapons, and she's wounded one. I'd like to get through a whole sentence without being a... Correct.

Without an interjection. Ooh, Matthew's mad. Okay, and then I will pick up the hatchet. Okay. And then I will swing with the war hammer once. Okay. I wonder if that... Okay....I have an attack of opportunity. Okay. And then I will swing with the Warhammer once. Okay. I wonder if that... Okay.

...I haven't a time or opportunity. If... It's so close. It was so close. Uh... 42 to hit. Ooh! Oh! I was at 90, 19.

That's a hit. Hit, not a crit. Hit, not a crit. Get out of here with that shit. Okay. Ah. First time of here with that shit. Okay. First time this creature's been hit. Oh, damn! Playing along at home. 29 points of bludgeoning damage.

And four points of cold damage. Ooh! You're as cold as ice. Wow. I'm back. And his name is Charles! Oh, come on! You're as cold as ice. Wow. And that... AND HIS NAME IS JOHNS! Oh, come on!

Nice. That's Ethel's turn. And did you have Frightened on your character sheet? Yes, Frightened 1. Alright, keep in mind that Frightened condition that you have might be 1, might be 2, in, well, eggs case, rest in peace, it was 3. That does not go away like normal frightens so make sure your character sheets don't just put it away they don't do that it has to do with it has to do with the aura of the keeper yeah all

right are you done I'm done hell of a turn hell of a turn Suki is no longer dying, but she is wounded one It is Aldo's turn. Come on Aldo I would like to do a knowledge check before we do for a act further Would would our can apply? Yeah, would it would it have to be a religion? You can do either. I'll do it. What do you feel more comfortable with? I'll do the only one that I know anything about because

Aldo is from Australia. He's a Methodist. Right. So he doesn't know anything about like religion here. That knowledge doesn't really help him. No, it doesn't help at all. I'd say about liturgies or whatever. Yeah. Okay, that's a 32.

It's pretty good. Yeah. This is a... I believe I told you this at the end of the last session. It's a Solar, right? This is like an Archon. An Archon, okay. Yeah. But it is a particular Archon known as an Excinder Archon. And you know, maybe some point you read,

like you see what's happening here, you're like, this is a broken soul, extender archon. Okay? It is a tortured soul, bastardized by everything that's gone on here. What I'm gonna tell you is that it's immune to fire. We already knew that. We already did this exact check.

Oh, sorry, sorry, I was talking to a skid. I'm just saying, new information would be helpful. You also know. can I finish? That it has a speed of 20 feet. Okay. You're such an asshole. All right, so. Does it have any weaknesses?

We know it's weak to nothing, and we know it's immune to fire. Okay. I wanna give you something. Uh, uh, poop. Uh, it can cast spells. Uh, that agonized whale that it did. It can't do again.

That again doesn't help you. If you can get... Alright, yeah, this will help you. Maybe. I'm grasping at straws here. If you can get outside of 60 feet of it You you your friend will go away normally. Okay, it's a 60 foot radius Okay

All right with his second action He is going to from his bandolier is going to pop an elixir Guzzle it down, gasoline, his limbs elongate and as a quicksilver mutagen he starts moving with preternatural agility and with his final action he is going to throw a greater bottle of lightning at the creature. Okay. Okay, that is a... I gotta calculate something in my head here called math. Oh no! Oh no! Skids doing math!

38. 38. 38. Thanks guys. Don't be mean to Skid. It's Christmas. That's a hit. Okay. Alright, awesome.

Kill it! Okay. 30 points of electricity damage. And it is flat-footed until the beginning of my next turn. Check it and see. Flat-footed. Okay, that's how you do it. Oh, that's not right. It just starts flying horizontally.

Oh, hey, you son of a bitch, stop. Alright, flat-footed, cool. Round three! Pepsi. Wait,ed, cool. Round three! Pepsi. Awesome. Oh, Pepsi. Oh. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What?

She needs to move. In initiative. Oh yeah. She did, but. Pepsi doesn't. She said that Pepsi acts on his own. You can, if it's easier for you, bump it, yeah, bump it back to me.

Pepsi would act on his own if I was unconscious, but Pepsi will go when I go. And Pepsi will go immediately before you cool as he is still conscious But he is tied to your initiative. She's conscious to top around shut up top around three Eris eris, what are you sitting at for hit points over there? Oh? Just like a cool 61 just over half So I'm gonna do a cool thing. I'm gonna do a little heighten, John.

Okay. Of chilling darkness on this big bad. And I'm gonna use some new dice that I got from Merce Foundry, this nice faceted glass. Ooh! So nice. Pretty. Yes! My children! Action, Kate! Action, Yes. Action, Kate.

My children. Action, Kate. Action, Kate. Action, Kate. All right, so I have to roll a spell attack roll for this. Okay. Which is why I'm doing it because all of your saves are probably really big.

Good luck. Oh, God, the math is so big. Oh, God, I can't do it. Oh, 37 to hit? Ooh. 37 to hit, it math is so big. Oh god, I can't do it. 37 to hit? Ooh! 37 to hit, it's AC. It's off guard.

It's off guard, AC. Yep. Is a hit. Yes. Hell yeah! Pretty good. And question. Yes. Does this bitch have the holy trait?

How dare you, first of all second of all no That's crazy because he has like wings and a halo It's like a fallen angel. We also found this out last time. It does not have the holy trait whatever this alright That's fine. It's no longer. Holy. He's no longer holy All right, that's fine So I do 26 points of damage. What kind of damage? It is... cold damage.

Wow. Cold damage. How many people think... You're as cold as ice! Um... How many people think they're gonna make it out of this alive? Alright. Wow, still a very small contingent.

Well, they're all rooting for us to die. Yeah, they want us to die they made signs Wow Wow yes this let me ask this are there is there anyone out in the crowd who likes our characters doesn't want them to die okay thank you that's nice I think you all need there that doesn't compute that't compute. And then I've got one more action left. I can't move out of the range of this frightened thing. There's nowhere in the room to go. This guy's too big. So I guess I'm going to cast Guidance on Atticus since you're going next. No? Okay then. I guess I'll cast Guidance on Pepsi. Okay.

Don't do that! I've got one action! The real hero of the adventure. Pepsi's awesome and Pepsi will take down this boss level. You know what? Screw you guys. I'm casting Guidance on the icicle snake. Thank you. Okay. Pepsi nods to you and winks.

Wink. My pet died, I'm not letting Suki's pet die. Aw. Thank you. As I reach into my jacket and just clutch onto the ash and scrambled eggs. Oh. I wanna give a shout out to City Winery.

For the past four years it has been unbearably hot in here which they couldn't control and it is very temperate here. It's lovely. Thank you. You guys, thanks for whatever the problem was. I'm wearing a wool hat and I'm not even sweating. Me too. We're wearing wool hats crocheted by Franklin here.

Yes! By the way, stand up for a second and turn to the crowd. Cosplaying as Buggles. Cosplaying as Buggles. Cosplaying as Buggles. So awesome. Thank you, Franklin, for the cute hat. Buggles. All right.

Buggles. Talking about Philadelphia's native son. Next up. Bruce Springsteen? Bruce Springsteen. The Chief? The Chief. The Chief. Joe O'Brien Atticus, what is he gonna do?

Okay, this is gonna be awful. Like unbearably awful. However, there are things that you do, Kate, I don't know if you're familiar with this, but there are things that you sometimes do because they're what your character would do he's being real rude even if it doesn't make any sense and causes the GM an unbelievable amount of pain and suffering I love doing that what are you talking about yeah I'm saying you'd appreciate this. So, this is what I believe truly Atticus would do. However, I recognize this will cause a lot of mechanical issues and I don't care.

Oh boy. Because some wonderful members of the Naishoos, whose names I forget, I'm so sorry, gave me a shot of Scotch. Oh yeah. And it was awesome. That's a nip, that's not a shot. Nobodych. Oh yeah. And it was awesome. That's a nip, that's not a shot. Nobody goes to a bar and says,

let me get a shot of Johnnie Walker Black. That was the easier way to say it. An airplane bottle. It's a nip. Oh, it's a nip, you're right, it's a nip. Everyone can cross off Joe O'Brien plays suboptimally on your bingo cards. Yes.

Christmas bingo. Okay, here's what he wants to do, because I think that this is fucking awesome, but I'm afraid the rules of the game can't quite quite keep up here we go he is by trade an illusionist right I could try to lay out a little damage here but the most damage that I could do honestly is a lightning bolt which is a line attack which has issues with large athol and stuff like that so I think that like line attacks should do more damage against like large enemies like this yes it should hit multiple times on the

way through yeah yeah but here's what I'm gonna do Atticus who you cannot see on the map I can't see either I don't know if Troy can but Atticus should be right where you see this ping on the map he's can't see either. I don't know if Troy can. But Atticus should be right where you see this ping on the map. He's invisible currently. Oh, that's where he is? Because that's not where I have him. That's where he is. How do you know? Because he moved there specifically to cast resist energy. He couldn't, he had to touch the two targets. Alright, I'm going to trust you on this.

Yep, I definitely moved there. Alright, so look, if you're looking at the map, which is everybody here, I will show you where Atticus is. There he is. Okay, and then I you where Atticus is. There he is. Okay, and I'm gonna make him disappear again. Okay. Now who's the illusionist? He is then going to move. Illusion-wise.

He is then going to move down into this position, which is the full length of his movement. This position, if you're listening at home. Which is down to the south and further away from the whole party. Okay. Sort of to create some distance, hopefully. The middle from the whole party. We're going to create some distance hopefully for- The middle of the Western Wall. The middle of the Western Wall. Getting a new angle on the whole situation.

God, your turns take so long. I know. I'm sorry. And then he's going to cast a spell he's never cast on the show. That's a good sign. There's good reasons for this, but I can't help. I'm scared. This is a rank five illusion spell that is so irritating to deal with at the table I just never cast it but I think in this moment it must be cast.

It is a spell called hallucination. Now I am not 100 sure what this creature's mind state is, if it's immune to mental, etc., etc. However, he is going to do his best, while invisible, to project within this creature's mind the image of Lyle's taking a book off of the hook, exactly as he had seen a minute ago within 15 feet of the creature on the opposite side of God no Atticus no On the opposite side of Ethel so basically he wants to draw the creature to attack This guy who is stealing this book. There's gonna be a will save. I'm assumed is a will save okay Good thing I have two bottle caps from Caden Sydney. Wait, wait, what? Wait, that's not...

Shut up. Wait. Alright. Will save. If we did that, would that increase the bottle cap economy? No. Is this a spell? Worth a shot.

Because I get a bonus. Alright. Let's see what I get. 44. That is a critical success. Damn it! The reason I said it would have been a nightmare is because there is an effect on a success that is mind-numbingly awful, but you would have to deal with.

Which is a cool idea that might be bottle cap worthy. And he just, he wants to, because he believes that we saw Laos stealing this thing and we're being punished for it right so he's just trying to recreate that for the creature try to defend this guy who's trying to steal this thing from you and yeah it didn't work it's a really cool idea I rolled high and I it was gonna be tough but it's a very cool idea. I will always celebrate your failures It is Pepsi's turn

Okay, Pepsi has or suki cuz you're awake now Pepsi will act on his own I'm gonna do just a bite. I can do my one. Pepsi is frightened too, keep in mind. Yes I know, I have it on. But I have guidance so I have a plus two. One. Plus one. Alright so effective minus one.

I thought she said a plus two, I don't know. That's gonna be uh, twenty, twenty nine. Twenty nine. Final answer? Yes, it's twenty nine. Miss. Oh wait, thirty. Once you say yes to a... Twenty twenty nine That's a final answer. Yes, it's 29 miss wait 20 30 Once you say yes Said it and then I immediately forgot about the plus one 30 off guard

Off guard it It's incredible, it's incredible. Off guard. It's got to be a miss. That was anti-climactic. It's gotta be a miss. Okay, so that's it for Pepsi, acting on their own. So Suki, now awake, immediately is going to heal herself with her staff. Okay.

Laying on the ground, not standing up. Yep, no weapons in hand. I rolled, so that's, I'm doing a level three store to my staff That's 40 points that I get back not a lot But needed and then as my next Two actions. Yeah She's going to grab either edge of her cloak and pull it over herself, and I'm gonna go invisible. Yeah Wow and pull it over herself and I'm gonna go invisible. Yeah! Wow! My cloak of elven kind.

Cloak of elven make! And she says, good luck! See ya! She turns into a rock. Yeah. Suki and Atticus head off into the sunset. They hold invisible hands hand great where you going

wait wait good luck Ethel I've abandoned us in our hour of need there's no point the Necronomicon is gone so good luck dying wait we just got a message well you said there was the message there was still time who is rolling on foundry it's not me it's a Suki's real cuz you know what it's automatically rolling the frightened Oh, we can pull down the audio from this di from the you know from the show or from the pre-show Well, that's kind of one here in dice Right now guys don't like the dice, but we don't get the roll. It's a weird like it goes like Oh, I don't know about you, but I like fun It's the Keeper's turn. It's the Keeper's turn. By the way, up to you, I think that

Atticus should probably be visible. The hallucination is probably an aggressive action because it is targeted on a creature. A hostile action. You're not making an illusion that you hope that they, you're changing their mind. Would you say that about Doug Henning? Like one of his stage shows, it was just like that he's attacking the audience by creating these illusions. It's good when you make these jokes because it lets me really target what our audience age is. I know. I'm amazed.

It really helps my Facebook. I know there's a piece. Judging by the complete lack of reaction. There's at least two people out there who know who Doug Henning is. They know full well who Doug Henning is. I know who Doug Henning is. Joe's parents are rolling in the aisles. Wait, was, did Dunn, I think I know who Doug Heading is. They know full well who Doug Heading is. Joe's parents are rolling in the aisles.

Wait. I think I know who I'm talking about. Did he do the short-lived Broadway show Merlin with Cheetah Rivera? Yes, I guess. Matthew, you're making it worse. You're making it worse. Sure.

Yeah, sure. Matthew, you're making it worse. All right. Help me out here. Is a burst on a square or an intersection? An intersection. An intersection. Okay.

Alright, because I'm about to fucking burst. Oh, Jesus! He was both the producer and star of Merlin. Troiseth Lavallee, stop. Troiseth Marie. Troiseth Marie. Pardon me while I burst. Pardon me while I burst.

It's Christmas. Alright. Oh, man. Hurry Pardon me while I burst pardon me while I burst Christmas All right, oh man This might well, let's see. I said we'll see what happens here. All right. Let me get a get a bursty John out here Yeah, that'll do then I'll move it ever so slightly so all of you are in it. Let me explain what happens so all of you are in it. Let me explain what happens. Basically, the creature, this faceless angel, like, reaches out its hands. You've been striking it, you've been doing significant damage,

you've been doing cold damage to it, and while it's not weak to cold, it's antithetical to its fiery wing nature. And it reaches out its hand, and he's... And provokes a reactive strike. Ah! Ooh! Ooh! And it reaches out its hand and provokes a reactive Roda Ethel brought a hand to the club I know the can you just roll a goddamn natural 20, please please please. I'm gonna go to Norse Foundry. I got

Here Norse Foundry in the house, okay, watch out for ham dice coming in 2025 bum bum Not a natural 20. Okay, But a 40 to hit. Oh! Off guard. That is a hit. All right, that's some free damage, that's nice. 29 points of bludgeoning. Oh! Yeah!

And five points of cold damage. Yeah. Oh! So 34 total. Nice reactive jaw, dude. Pretty good. Pretty sneaky, sis. Couts of divine flame rise up from the ground.

Oh, this is old school. All of you roll a reflex save. Even Pepsi? Especially. No, wait, not Same. Even Pepsi. Especially. No, wait, not Pepsi. Not Pepsi. No, Pepsi is going to be the analyst of this.

Pepsi's gonna write a book after this. Goes on to write a book. All right. Oh man, this is big, cause you're all weakened. You healed, but not happy over there. Why don't you use your bottle cap? Oh, that's right, she used it already. Let's start on this end of the table, Aldo.

Because I used the Quicksilver Mutagen, I get a plus three to my reflex save. And as a result, I get a 38 on the roll. Very good. Matthew. I'm going to turn to my bottle cap. Oh. Natural 20. Oh!

Huge! It's like somebody brought a ham to the club, am I right? What? Okay. So stupid. I can't believe. I'd say one offhand remark and it's like people are sewing things. I love it. Wait, it wasn't that you were

creating a song. I met with my girlfriend. I was just like, I started singing the song and she was just like, she laughed. I was just like oh, that's all the encouragement I need. And now look it's sweeping the nation. And now it's exactly turns out it was a pity laugh.

Well, even still that's exactly the same way Lucy and this guy with diamonds started. Yep. Look it up. Yep. Alright. Where are we? You.

I don't even know. What's my name? Kate. 30. I knew it was Kate. 30. Nailed it. Pretty good fail.

Joe O'Brien! I want to talk about dice. Here we go. Oh my god. 30. Pretty good fail. Joe O'Brien! I want to talk about dice. Here we go. Oh my god. I've gotten a few dice from wonderful people at the VIP, but I just was like, I gotta go back to Jake's die, because it served me well.

I rolled the exact same number again. 33. Yeah! Exact same number a second time. What did you roll again, Skid? 38. Now you look very sad. Oh come on. No, it's okay. What's the matter, Sydney? Sydney, it's Christmas. Doesn't feel like Christmas to me. Oh come on. Whoever heard of being sad on Christmas? And you get to go back to therapy again. Oh, yay! I'm so excited.

Unnatural 20. I rolled bad. It's an unnatural 20. Dirty 20. An unnatural 20. I've never heard that. Unnatural 20. There's something wrong with it!

This is 20. Satisfied. Bandage it! The ice is melting into my hat! All right, so a dirty 20... Oh no. Oh no. Oh god. Oh no.

Let's, as usual, start with Sydney's damage. I mean... A quick pause. Oh, wait, okay. This spell deals damage. Yes. The gouts of fire rising up from the ground. No, it's like a warm hug.

I also, I just... I don't know, I didn't know if it did something else. I just want to also warm searing hug. I want to just point out before we go through with this. I did go invisible and you put it to reach me instead of centering it on the other characters. Well, so weird that he did. I mean, he put it to reach Eris and Atticus. Yeah, honestly, it's Atticus' fault. If Atticus had stayed invisible, who knows where it would have ended up.

And unfortunately, that is a critical failure. All right, so Atticus in this moment is going to reach out. You're talking to this kid. is going to reach out and draw the very divine flames that you have cast into a plane of shadow. Make it partially illusionary. So I will attempt a counteract check against the triggering spell. I can do that. Wait, you can do that? I can do that. Whoa. You can do that after everyone's rolled their saves? The trigger is a spell or magical effect deals damage.

That's the triggering effect. Fair. It is a reaction that allows me to turn, attempt to turn that spell into partially illusionary. This is incredible. So I just need. This is incredible. So I just need... This is the difference between Suki living and dying.

Just so you know. Maybe. Probably not. But it could be the difference between... Oh! Oh! Billy Joe! Billy Joe!

Actually, I gotta... I gotta say, I can't take my shirt off so I rolled it. Why don't you roll it down there? Roll it down there. Roll it down there! Roll it, try to roll it. Why don't you roll it down there? Roll it down there? Roll it down there! Roll it down there! You wanna roll it down there? Get down there you son of a bitch!

Roll it in front of Franklin. Roll it in front of Franklin. For the audio listeners, he's gonna go New Die, who gave him the Scooby-Doo die? This is a big one. He said this is a big one. He said let's hear it Billy! I don't know what he's saying. I don't know what's happening. What did you roll? 97. 97, motherfucker.

Scooby-Doo! I hope the mics didn't pick up what he just said Billy came out Accidentally drank a scotch Wait you drank that scotch All right, so what is the total and what is that? What are you going against? It's so the counteract check is against its spell DC here And it is a 37 is the result all right, so walk me through if that's it. That's a success That's a success

They had that far I didn't think I was asking the tough question Now what? We didn't think ahead that far. I didn't think I was asking the tough question. You sniped at him. Now what happened? I just realized that this might not work. Lavallee really cuts to the core. Alright, that's a success. What happened?

While Joe figures that out, I'll tell the story of our commute down here. So we planned our trip on the Amtrak. And Kate, Kate's husband, me, and we thought Skid, we're gonna sit in a four, like a four-top table together. Turned out Skid got on a different train. Didn't tell us. Didn't tell us. Made us think he was on a train.

I deliberately didn't tell them so I could freak them out. And we ended up seated next to, what we learned was a relatively low-ranked associate at a big fancy law firm. Working very hard. Was working very hard as we attempted to just bullshit the whole time and almost play Magic the Gathering on the train.

At one point, a somewhat senior lawyer walked over. And he was like, what are you doing? And he was like, oh, I'm working on it. He's like, you're going to prep the questions? And he was like, oh, I'm working on these. You're going to prep the questions? And he was like, I can. And he's like, because I think he's going to ask the tough questions today. And this guy was like, I can do whatever you want.

And he's like, OK, you work on those. And he walked away. And then we just kept talking about nerd shit. Yeah. Who wins? Fuck. What? What happened? It didn't work. Because I was hoping, hoping against hope, that this would be a rank six spell or less. But it was heightened to seventh level. And so a success, even though I was successful,

it is still a fail because it's just over the line of rank seven. So brutal! So is Atticus like trying to still counteract it and he thinks he's got it maybe and like... Yeah. He's like, nice try, fallen angel, oh shit. And it blows up and just annihilates the entire party. Let me walk through this, starting with the worst. It's really cool, by the way, to have like nine

rank seven spells to cast in a single combat. Yeah, that's cool. That's fun. Well, maybe he's tapped. He probably is now. God damn it. But the damage is done, because here's what happens. Suki critically failed.

And she is wounded one. How many hit points do you have left? 49. She takes 58 points of damage. Goes to dying three because two, and she was already wounded one, and takes 4d6 persistent fire damage, which will effectively kill her if something doesn't happen in the next six fucking seconds.

That's just, big fans of TBK over here My parents came tonight by the way. Thank you mom and dad They're proud of their boy You succeeded not a critical success You take 15 points of fire damage 2d6 persistent fire damage. Well Success no persistent damage on a success. I would think so I would think so. What did you roll again? 30. Fail. You take 29 points of fire damage and 2d6 persist. You guys both hold on Ethel and Jimmy what's your name again?

Yeah, okay, so yeah, see I throw an Aldo you guys rolled 30 natural 20 natural 20 you take nothing 38 38 you take 29 15 15 points of damage no persistent all right so mom So mom, by the way, thank you for being here. Can we hear from my mom? Ruth, she is in center city at nine o'clock at night. She would only do that for someone she loves. Philly mom. Philly mom.

Philly mom. Philly mom! Philly mom! Thank you mom. Persistent fire damage just means you continue to burn to death. So it's very bad. You're on fire and can't put it out and are burning alive. And I want to also say, Suki is invisible, but you see just a pile of burning flames as you hear her scream She's unconscious, it's a British before she goes unconscious British. That's just gas leaving her body And she farts yeah, and the fire goes Shades of... Shades of Mrs. O'Lady.

Franklin liked that one. Mrs. O'Lady shit herself horrible ways when she was killed by a ghoul. Sometimes I can't believe I like playing with her. I know. Matty's character died and we just had her shit herself constantly. That's what happens. It's very sad. If death wasn't bad enough, poop everywhere. All right. We died and we just had to shit ourselves constantly. That's what happens. It's very sad.

If death wasn't bad enough, poop everywhere. All right, it still has one action left. Oh, come on. Oh my god. Two action spell. You're rubbing your hands together like a fly on shit. You're a mean one. Mr. Grinch. Torturous touch on Ethel, yet.

And I already used my reactive strength. You sure did, you son of a bitch. I feel it. I feel something real nasty. We can see a doctor about that. Oh! Okay, that is gonna be a 38 to hit. That hits. Not a crit. All right. Oh, oh God.

God. Oh no! I heard that. Hehehehehehe. 23 points of regular damage, one point of fire damage. Zero points of fire damage. Yeah! Are you still up? He's so strong. Yes, but not for long. Not for long. That's the end of its turn. That's the good news. It is Ethel's turn. Suki will die on her turn. Unless something miraculous happens to stop that persistent fire damage. She is dying three. Come on me! I can't do shit!

I'm gonna pray really hard. Thank you. Love you guys. There's nothing I can do to help Suki. I spent my wad on my gloves. I spent my... you know what I meant. Well, no. I don't know what you meant. Nobody borrow Ethel's gloves. I'm gonna double slice.

Double slice, double slice. The green is the warhammer. I feel a net one coming Oh Natural 19 natural 20 All right, so that's gonna be at least a fan Philly critical, but what is the total but what is the total on the 19? It's gonna be a 42. Is it still off guard? Not from Aldo, but am I flanking with Pepsi? Wait, no, no, no, because I haven't gone yet.

Yeah, he hasn't gone yet. 42? Yeah. Not a crit. Sorry. I went to the school of math. Okay, let's deal with it. One, you want to do the regular damage before we hear the fan critical? Yes. From the great city of...

Philadelphia? The great city of Philadelphia. 21 points of bludgeoning damage. Pretty good. And six points of cold. Oh man, six points. So 27 total, six points of cold,geoning damage, and six points of cold. Oh man, six points. So 27 total, six points of cold, and now the fan critical. Fan critical is. You've been red hot tonight, Captain Puzzle. Red hot, really. Like the damage rolls, the spaghetti,

like everything has been hot. Any chalets. That's what your people say. My people? Not your grip. liberals any chance Ainsley is here from Philadelphia Ainsley ain't you don't sound like Ainsley Ainsley from Philadelphia writes in with fatal fury oh you strike your target with a vicious blow double damage and your weapon gains the fatal D 12 trait Dude that means your damage dice become D 12 for the purpose

Wait is that what fatal is? Is that an extra D 12? No, it's not just an extra D 12 your damage dice become D 12 before you double No, that can't be true. I have to get some D12s. Oh my gosh. On a critical hit the weapon's damage die- thank you Fiore! Shut up for a second. The weapon's damage die increases so that the die size instead of the normal die size and the weapon- Dude you're reading what I already said. I know but I want to make sure you're doing this right. On a critical hit the weapon's damage dice increases that to the die size of the normal die size have a fucking headache and the weapon adds one Additional damage die of the listed size. Oh, so it goes up to t12

It's deadly it's deadly except you also up up your damage dice. This is Enormous. Yeah. All right. Come on. come on Ainsley. So it's gonna be 4d12 plus 9 times 2. Yes. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You don't add the other die and double it. No, the deadly die is not double. You double your normal damage die. Okay, so it'll be 3d12. And then add it on the end like deadly. 3d12 plus 9 times 2 times 2 plus 12 It's mainly math this game is math. Oh no terrible terrible role There's a guy that gets glass can I always tell him to lie you just yell yell at the player, lie. LIE. Troy doesn't know, he can't see.

I know, I know. He can't read. 39 points of damage. You're supposed to double all that shit. I did. That's it, I can now flins. Oh! Oh, huge!

Whoa, Natale! Okay, so when you hit with both attacks from Double Slice, you fledge the target, making it bleed and creating a weak spot. The target takes 1 DA persistent bleed damage per weapon damage dice of whatever weapon. Oh shit. Is that three or four? That's three, right? It was three.

Wait. In addition, until the start of your next turn, the target is off guard and its resistances Three or four? That's three, right? It was three. In addition, until the start of your next turn, the target is off guard and its resistances to any physical damage types are reduced by five. Nice. We used to be friends a long time ago. Let's pretend I didn't listen to any of that. What do I take?

Either 3d8 or 4d8 persistent bleed. I have to choose? I'll take the three. No, no, it's four. You know, I'll take the three. I put no, it's four. I'll take the three. Is it three or four? They say four, Troy. Come on, O'Brien, what is it?

I love this crowd. 3D8, 3D8. Per weapon damage die of whichever weapons you use, and it was 4D8 with the deadly. Well, the deadly, but does that count as a damage? I would say yes, technically. 3D8. Technically it actually does count. 3D8 and I'll give you a present.

Alright, are you done? They're pretty adamant. They're pretty adamant as four? Billy, you think it's four? Are you just like drinking and like- Billy, you fucking lied to me, man. These people want a TPK and they're sent- Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, Dr. Billy is saying-

You're a doctor! You've taken the Hippocratic oath! You are a doctor. You're a veterinarian Doctors can't lie! First do no harm! He said three he said three Fuck you lying horse, doctor bastard He was on Sunday Night Football Where's Anne? Where's my double doctor? She would know. Is there a doctor in the house?

Alright. So 2d8. 4d8 persistent. The Grinch said it. He's literally leading the TPK chance. I can't read those fingers! That's three! Don't trust him! The Grinch's fingers are weird. They're notoriously weird, they're like Simpsons fingers. I think he's trying to do four. I think he is!

I forgot my glasses in New York! Alright, alright, how many people think it's three? How many people think it's four? You fucking liar! None of you know how to play this game, you fucking liars. I saw somebody's wife who's never played this game say, yeah. Gross. No, she's probably right.

She's dancing because she's so proud she's never played this game. Dancing. She's like, I'm not a loser like that. It's a real source of pride. You should be proud, man. Years of our life. Ma'am, you've done something right with your life. OK. Are you done?

No. I'm quickened. So with the fourth action, I am going to aid Aldo. That's your reaction? I know. Well. Oh, don't do that. Don't do that.

I know, but I just learned something about aid in the in the meet-and-greet that uh it was very interesting okay wait off the chest piece it's Aldo's turn shit okay uh there was it was now I built it up it was it was it was interesting all right it was very interesting Aldo and Ethel don't have persistent damage, right? No, just Suki no Ethel and Atticus. No, you don't have any Eris. I'm sorry Y'all your names just Suki just Suki. No, no, no, no somebody failed you failed. I failed. Yeah, you know Eris has it too Was that up your sleeve? Yeah

Is this your dime? You keep it, you keep it. You earned it. Steven, right? I touch my genitals when I roll dice. My god. You're welcome. I like how you think that's a turn off. I pre-roll everything at home.

It's Christmas. It's Christmas, Troy. Stop it. Stop it. You guys... What are you guys whispering about? Yeah. I just... You both look pretty. I'll say it on my turn. I had a realization and I just think Suki's gonna die, but continue on. I think we all think Suki's gonna die. Yep. Yep. Alright so you don't have persistent? You rolled a Larry again. Yeah no persistent. Persevering subject.

Double persistent for Suke's Magoog's. Alright so Aldo, I don't want to put too much pressure on you but it's a big turn. Alright so the angel is already off guard, right? From another effect? No. Yes. From the flens. From the flens. Dummy.

All right. So. Oh! Oh! Who the heck? Who said that? Somebody just ran out here. I'll get him.

All right. So I'm gonna throw. I'll get him. So I'm gonna throw... I'm gonna throw... Brought a ham to the club. This show is ridiculous. I'm gonna throw an acid flask. And I will aid you. Okay. Huzzah.

So what'd you learn at the meet and greet? Let me tell you, it becomes relevant. Okay, it's relevant. So one thing we ignore on aid is if you are an expert or a master on the skill you use to aid, and you critically succeed, bonus goes out. Oh, okay. So I just critically succeeded because I used athletics.

So what happens? You get a plus three of this roll. Oh, baby. Oh, great. Okay. Nice. Huge. So that's a 42 to hit, which is not, I don't think that's gonna...

Off guard. So close. It's off guard. It's not a crit. We've done this every time. Regular hit. Okay. Oh, really? Yes, we have gotten a 42 every time. But've done this every time. Regular hit. Oh, really? Yes, we have gotten a 42 every time. Okay, so that is 12 points of acid damage right off the bat.

Okay. And it also takes 19 points of persistent acid damage. 19 persistent? It also has 48 persistent bleed. Right. Holy. Right. So, bleed. Yes. Right. Holy sh- So, yeah. So, yeah.

So, uh, yeah. You said 18? Yes. 19. 19. I'll do 18. This is awesome. Wow, alright, so that's a lot of persistent.

Here's the thing. You guys are, you're doing very well. We're not doing that well. Suki's going to die. Yes. But you've got a chance of having her be the only corpse. Anything else, Aldo? Well, Egg already died. Yeah, Egg died.

Nobody cared about it. Uh. Aw. Aw, look at that little Egg. Look at that little Egg. One of the most terrifying things I've ever seen. It's so gross and perfect. I love it.

That is amazing. Where did you get that? Someone made it for me. That's amazing. A beautiful person made this for me. For the audio listeners, it's a crocheted egg with chicken legs and Barbie arms. Let's burn it. Let's burn it.

And eyes. In the middle of the stage. It does look like something out of a nightmare. It really does. All right, so Aldo, that was only one action or two? That was one action. Okay. Where, so where is Suki?

All right, so here's what I, yeah, I realized on my turn, Suki's invisibility doesn't end because she became unconscious or took damage. But I can see the fire, it doesn't matter. But you can see the fire. So, Troy, I mean, there should be like a little fire on the map.

I feel like it should be a DC-5 perception check. Why? Because it's uh... Because he's trying to sniff the burns of her burning body. He's using a, what is that sense called? Vision? Well, technically Suki would be hidden. Yes. So it's DC-5. You just got to roll a fire that a five. Wait, what? What? You're trying to heal her? I say it like, no, no, no. I'm asking where she is. Yeah, so I was saying.

So you gotta roll a perception check DC-5. 10. Well, my bonus is 19, so. You could roll an N, what? I didn't. I rolled a 16. I rolled 16 on the die. Okay.

Where is she? All right, so. Where is she? He knows her, she's in Villivan okay where is she all right so where is she very good I'm on the map put me on the map it's a very tricky situation honestly like she was visible in a square she cast invisibility and then she this is a very interesting situation she cast invisibility and then she... This is a very interesting situation. She cast invisibility and then he never saw her again. Doesn't really know where she is.

Yeah, it's not like she's the fire should be visible. I am on fire, taking persistent fire damage. Alright, I'm gonna say you know where she is. Okay, where is that? That is right here. Do you see that? Pingage. What? That pingage. OK, all right, great.

All right, so Aldo is going to, and he has actually extra movement too because of the Quicksilver mutagen. The mutagen, yeah. That doesn't matter, but he's going to run up there, and he is, ah, ah, and he's going to try to put out the fire. Oh my god, thank you. Oh my god.

OK. All right, so thank you. Oh my god. OK. All right, so second action, you move up. Third action, you're going to try and put out the fire. Yeah. OK, so what do you do? With urine. All right. All right.

So you, free action, draw your penis. Do you need to explain this to your parents, Joe? This one I think they understand. Suki has no thoughts about this because she's unconscious. It's the only liquid I have at my disposal. Say no more. You have a bandolier of potions. I know, but they're all dangerous.

It's the least dangerous liquid I have at my disposal. Pee on me. Go piss, girl. I did just learn that my whole life was a lie and that urine is not sterile, so yeah. I know. It's still kind of dangerous. Skin, would you rather burn to death or have someone pee on you? No, no! Piss on me. Okay. As I've said actually- I just wanted to hear it on gatewalkers I've said it and I don't know why I said it but piss on my ass there. We go. I guess comes full circle I Wanted I want a yes, and more right I really do come on if you're gonna say no

I'll try to I'll think of another way, but I really do. Come on. If you're gonna say no, I'll try to, I'll think of another way. But I really do, I prefer to be on her. There's no way you can produce enough piss to put out this I haven't gone to the bathroom in sixty-something episodes. I've gotta be full of urine. 99 episodes. 99 episodes. It's like a fire hose of urine. Yeah. In fact, I would even be, I don't think it would be crazy if you made him blow back five feet from the force of the urine. All Skid wants for Christmas is to piss on Suki. Yeah.

Let him have it. He's been good. Have you been good? No. That's why I'm getting beat up. I can't in good conscious allow you to piss off 4D6 magical flame. I can't do it. I'm sorry. Troy, I think you've just really upset the hardcore rules guys.

I need all of you nerds to go online with your little click clacky type in and be like, you know what, the rules br br br about pissing and magical fire for us. You could have a bucket of piss it wouldn't put out for a decent. I have one in me. Bucket of piss! Someone light someone on fire and pee on them right now. Let's see it, let's see! I defy you to go back over all 99 shows

and find one instance where I pissed. It's been building up. Let him piss! Let him piss! Let him piss! Well, hang on. Let him piss! Hang on.

So, uh. It's pissmas. It's pissmas! It's pissmas. It's pissmas. It's Christmas. It's Christmas in Philly. There's the episode title. Matthew, I can't imagine what you're going to weigh in with. You're like, wait, wait. I do. I believe it is a two action. It's two actions to help stop persistent damage. Wow. Oh, it is? Look at Matthew actually saying the thing

that I didn't say! You suck, Matthew. What if I, just as part of my move action, I straddle her? I can't, I can't. I'm not wearing any underwear. Skid, I can't do it. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. We've established that you're not wearing any underwear.

Mayhaps we can... I'm a Methodist! Can we yes and, like, taking off one of the persistent... Do you know anything about religion? ...damage checks? You're really gonna stand between me and my god and want to piss on this character? I don't. My stepmother's a Methodist, he can tell you. Methodists don't wear underwear?

No, they don't. They're not Mormon. Come on, man. This is basic fucking... I'm fine if someone comes up with a real solution. I think I need therapy also. I can't let you piss away 4D6% So I, well there's, okay. Take your move back. Take your move back.

Alright, this is, alright. Oh yeah. Well, alright, here, what if I... Does this involve piss? No, no, there's no urine. Mixeration is off the table. If I say where I am, will you allow me to Baldur's Gate 3-style throw an elixir of life on her body? For two actions.

Yeah, for two actions. So you draw it, throw, ponder. And you accidentally target me, like in Baldurur's Gate and then you like kill me? Because you didn't throw it like next to my body, you threw it on my body. Yeah I don't want to hit you with the glass. Right, right, right. That would be a Christmas wish. Yeah. They're discussing the rules. Off mic. It's getting very serious. And I I get it I don't want Suki to die all right so you want to Baldur's Gate style yeah throw a healing potion something we haven't done in ten years I know I don't know if

that works should I allow it I mean the other thing- The- The uh- Wait, I have- If you don't want to allow that, I have done something that could- could reasonably- You know what? I'm a Grinch tonight. I will not allow it. Okay. Okay. Alright. I have one final pitch.

I have one final pitch. I have one final pitch. It's okay guys. Hey, hey, it's just his nature. He doesn't know any better. He's just kind of a mean guy. I have one final pitch. Can he leap to try to land on her and smother the flames with his body? That would be a die roll.

I believe I would support this fully and I think that doing this should allow her to have a DC 10 flat check. I'm gonna do- As opposed to DC 15. Yeah. I think it's well within the rules. Smothering leap.

I'm gonna cast- Smothering leap. I do smothering leap. Smothering leap on a magical flame. Well within the rules. If a character takes any action that you feel would lower Reasonably lower it to DC 10 all right, so you know it's good Why not just piss your pants while you're doing it I can do that I was here it can't hurt

I was going to that anyway like I he obviously really has to go all right. I'm gonna have you leap Yeah, which with your athletics or equi-press whatever easily you can do enough to roll easy and you're gonna smother her which will lower the DC, right? Which okay? He's got his his thick Methodist robes on all right. You should be able to have this stuff is all new Question for you sure all right. Do you have to pee right now a little bit? Yeah, I didn't until we got into this yeah all this talk of pee is making me real bad And I'm and I am going to yeah Top around four no one's peeing

No one Stop it Come on your parents are here man they raised you better than that yeah you know wow well at his is a his age he has to be careful about persistent damage it is advanced ageis, it's your turn. Your best friend in the world, Suki, is about to die. What do you do? Action Kate.

Eris takes a hand and reaches out to Suki. Okay. And attempts to soothe her from 30 feet away. She targets your mind. What do you say? She's like, Suki. Go piss girl. Go piss girl. I turned on the sun. Put out those flames. I don't remember how to piss. I haven't pissed in 99 episodes. Come back and attempts to soothe you for 2d 10 plus 8 what what 2d I heightened it 2d 10 2d 10 2d 10 plus 8 Okay, how many actions is this two actions? Okay, 23. I love you. So I'm hoping this is like enough For your persistent, maybe you stay up. You're no longer dying you're wounded to two and I'm on fire until these flames are put out yeah

persistent fire okay wounded to okay still gonna die frightened very frightened so still still pointing at Suki Suki we need you please don't please don't fucking die right now and Then takes her chicken hands and then points them at big bad guy Big bad angel, dude. I'm gonna let you know you don't have to roll the perception check. It's pretty obvious where she is All right, so what are you doing the final action pointing her chicken hands at big bad angel guy and doing what? this is this is Feudal but please make a will save.

I don't know why I prepped anything beyond this encounter. I don't either. I mean it's staggering to me that you even considered! I only have so many one action things that are useful. And this is going well! Can you imagine if it was going poorly? Will save you said? Will. Will save, right? 45.

You don't have to like it. Yeah, I don't think anything happens. I was trying to cast Needle of Vengeance so that if you made any moves against Ethel, you would take mental damage. I'm assuming if you get that high of a will save, nothing happens. Here's what I want you to do.

I want you to take some persistent fire damage. Shit! To the tune of take some persistent fire damage. Shit! Shit! To the tune of seven points of fire damage. Ooh. Okay. That's fine. Now roll a flat check. Okay.

DC 15. DC 15? Yep. Okay. Yep. What happens? Nothing. You're fine. When?

Nothing. You're fine. Two, not one? What happens when you roll? Just say I didn't get 15. A natural one on a flat check. Nothing. Okay, sick. I failed. Okay. Best time to roll a natural one. Yeah, get those out. Hell yeah, I meant to do that. Alright, so you will continue to be on fire. Hey, maybe one of your friends will pee on you Atticus Eris would welcome that she doesn't like that. No, she says she does but she doesn't What Guys are weird

Atticus what do you got? Atticus is not focused on Suki, unfortunately. He's so focused on this creature, must take it out. But Joe would have to roll die if there was an attack roll to hit it. And Troy would get to roll die if there was a saving throw. So how do we avoid both? Oh yes.

Do I? We open up the fucking John and cast nine magic missiles in your face. Oh yeah! Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo! Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo! Force Barrage. Anyway, not a great roll, but 22 points of damage.

Yeah. Instantaneous no save. Fuck off. Okay. Nice. He took it all like a champ that is his turn unfortunately it is Pepsi's turn all right the true hero of the story the protagonist strange hands that's he's just gonna take a bite. That's all he knows how to do. All right.

Fuck. Sydney, what did you roll? What did I do? What did I do? Was I bad? Did I not hold the door open for somebody? Was I rude to someone? I rolled a natural one.

Oh no. For fucking Pepsi, my snake! Melee fan, fumble. Melee fan fumboni coming in hot. For a snake, for a snake. For a snake, no arms. All right. Is Eric, oh yeah, Eric Zane's here. Oh yeah. I talked to him.

Zane, where's Zane? Where's Zane? Show yourself. There he is. Hey! From McCungie, Pennsylvania. Different name, different name. I can't believe you've done this.

It's supposed to be a critical John, not a critical John. Unlike so many fan Johns that seem to benefit your opponents, this John actually hurts you. Living in a fantasy world nowhere near Philadelphia, you probably don't know what a John is or why you just heard it. You're so confused by this word that you have the confused condition. Oh no. One D four rounds during which time the GM cannot have you attack your opponents nor do you roll flat checks to end the condition. The condition automatically ends without a save required.

So basically it's one D four period confused. Honestly, it's okay, Eric. It's happened to Pepsi. Pepsi only gets to take one action on his own. So, oh well, I guess. That sucks. How many rounds, Troy? Should I roll?

One D4. One D4, I'll roll. Five. My glasses, I can't find the D4. It's the smallest. Do you want this magnifier? It's the smallest one. You're so old.

Four rounds. Oh. Yep, four rounds on a D4. Look at that. Now I'm mad, Eric. Yeah. Way to go, Eric. Suki's turn.

Or does Pepsi still have an attack? No. No. That's it. All right, Suki, you are prone. Yes. You are conscious, you are wounded too, and you are on fire. You will take 4d6 damage. There's no way to stop.

Wait, what about the check? No, you will take it this turn, but then you could roll out the check. You'll take it, but then you get the check after you take the damage. After I take it, so I'm not rolling out the damage. So you can do things to make your check easier. You can be like... 1-0. You can roll.

She can't. No, she's smothered. Currently being smothered by a Methodist. So Suki wakes up feeling very close to God. In more ways than one, being very close to death. She wakes up and immediately, instinctually casts a fifth level heal on herself. I'm going to get 73 points back. Damn! Damn. Huge.

Huge. damn huge huge but I have to stay I simply have to stay up for a single fucking round to help anyone else 73 hit points ethyl is dying well not not cannot mechanically but he's doing pretty so that is one action okay well that could have to be more than one action. Wait. You just healed yourself with 73 hit points. Range of touch? I can't just touch myself? But how many actions? It's one action. Range of touch is one action heal. I don't think you got that many hit points on one action.

Yes. Fifth level is 5d8 plus 42. For the two action version. Huh. That's confusing because it just... The one action version would be 5d8 without the plus 42. Huh. Oh, oh. Oh, I see. Increase the hit points restored by eight. Well, okay, I'm confused. We can talk about that later. It says something else on this, but I trust you. Two love... two actions. Alright, so how many...

how much did you actually heal on yourself 73? But you had to use to it took two actions, okay, all right big heel big heel big juicy heel I'm still invisible. I think about you. I'm still invisible. What can I possibly do I? Could do a guidance on somebody yourself or I could I could do a guidance on myself I guess but they did you affect it with a fletcher or anything to put out the fire down on putting out the fire and see if trail reduce it to a DC five if you're also just spending an excuse me I made a

mistake oh it's 4d6 persistent, because this was heightened. Your critical failure is 8d6 persistent. What? Hands off the chess piece. You take another six points of fire damage, Iris. Me? She didn't critically fail. She didn't critically fail. No, it doesn't matter, because I only did 2d6.

This was supposed to be four on her, eight on Spook. Four and eight. So regardless, I will take 8d6. There's nothing I can do. No, no, no, no. You can spend an action. You can debate it. Argue it. Can I reduce this by spending an action and putting out flames? What do you do? What do you do to yourself?

I think she grabs Aldo tighter, realizing what he's doing and feeling a wet warmth in his groin. A wet warmth in his drawing. A wet warmth? Yeah, yeah. This isn't her first time. This isn't her first rodeo. She knows what's going on, and she's seen through a crack in the door on the ship. She's seen what Ethel and Aeris... You saw what, Suki? That was in our dreams. Why was it our dreams when we banged? I was there. was in our dreams. That was in our dreams when we banged.

I was there. I never told you. You were dream stalking them? It was accidental. Girl. You brought Stooky into our dreams too? You should have told us you were there. Maybe we could have said something else. Dream threesome. It felt wrong. I don't want to think about this too much.

I would like to grab Aldo and use his weight. It's fine. Let's not talk about it too much You take 36 points of fire damage And now I need a DC nine Flat check to remove all you lowered it by I think that's generous based on this nonsense of His absolute nonsense. Yeah, all right., alright. Get serious. Stop laughing. I hope you fail because it's so silly.

Oh no. Stop! No! You didn't do this again! I don't need the magnifying glass. Is it a nat 1? My god, you're cursed. I've rolled so many different dice, and a lot of them were gifted to me. I just wondered, did you curse me? It is the Keeper's turn.

Shagung gung kugung. I think it's sitting at that table. It's Joe. Shagung gung kugung. Now the Keeper is going to take a pretty decent chunk of yeah, he's gonna take a ton of damage After he annihilates three of you Mmm what to do what to do Long sword at Ethel to start

Longsword at Ethel to start. Longsword touch, longsword touch, longsword touch, longsword. Oh no. Oh no. Forty-one to hit. Hit, not a crit. Okay. I also have a little bit of resistance to slashing damage. Is that what this is? Hit. Hit, not a crit. Okay. Damn. I also have a little bit of resistance to slashing damage. Is that what this is? It is.

Welcome back, Joe. Thank you. Is Suki fine? Yeah, everything's great. She's still burning. 29 points of piercing damage. Hey, Troy. You notice that not all of that goes through. Whoa!

Troy is late! Three points of fire damage. You notice that none of that goes through. Resist fire, scarecrow. Alright. I'm gonna swing at you again. Yeah Son of a bitch It's not a good roll. Oh, and it's minus John sure is minus John

It's a multiple John penalty. Stop it You're not helping any All right Versatile sweet minus carry the three plus the 28 miss huge huge round huge round holy shit this is it dude so I'm gonna do one more swing okay for all the marbles natural one you feel You can feel it, can't you? Yeah. Someone said it. Historically, this is when you crit me.

You never, you never rolled this third attack. It doesn't make any sense. I hate every dice I own. They're all chipped. You just open yourself up to an unnecessary natural one. Why would you do that? I fucking hate these dice. I hate this game. All right, here we go. Natural one, come on! Very good roll. But, my lowest chance to hit. 37.

Hit. This could be it, folks. Oh! Oh! 30 points of piercing. Yeah. And three points of fire. Zero points of fire?

Yes! This is still up. Yes! Welcome to the killer dome! Alright, this is it! This is it! This is legit it! Ethel does not survive another round.

No! But you also don't survive another round. Do I? You don't. You have to take so much damage, it's insane. It might already be over. I think we just won. What?

Yeah! He's doing the math. Should be 40 yards. He's trying to calculate. I take 19 points of persistent acid damage and I take 14 points of bleed. What? And with those two combined, I,

permanently, still up. Let me roll the flat checks. First for the bleed. Nattie 14. Still bleeding. Then for the acid. Crack tie. Oh, come on natural 20

timothy leary's rolling over in his grave poop stick no longer acidic but still bleeding to the tune of 4d8 this is the round of all rounds. You got this. And it is Effel's turn. Come on dude. Double slice. Double slice? Dude's been red hot all night. Red hot.

He's so hot right now. The green is the war hammer. He's so hot right now. Okay. Oh no. 37 to hit on the war hammer. And 32 to hit on the hatchet, which I think is a miss. Is he off guard? No. Wait, but is he flanking with Pepsi? It doesn't matter. It's still a miss. Miss. We already established that 32 off guard misses, right? We established that. Yes Yes

Okay, that's gonna be 25 points of bludgeoning okay six points of cold Do this thing has some age his oh Think I was gonna say he died. I was hoping yeah, not yet. Not yet. But he's like staggered. He's, oh, he's a little loopy like a Mortal Kombat guy. Oh, I thought this would be easier. Finish him. I'm gonna go for the third attack. Well, yeah.

Okay. Fortune favors the bold. Let me calculate, let me calculate this here to see if this is even possible. So 32 is a miss when he was flat footed, so his AC is going to be at least 34. Sorry about that. Yeah. You know, it's 35.

You think it's 35? If it was 34, it would be a hit on 32, right? Right. So it's at least 35. At least 35. This is against his regular AC. Go ahead and roll. It's got to be high. Well, I need to see if I actually have a chance of hitting you. It's at least 30 least 35. This is against his regular ac go ahead and roll It's gonna be high well. I need to come to see if I actually have a chance of hitting you gotta be crazy

We have a chance if only a natural 20 would hit I don't know Yeah, only a natural 20 is gonna hit do you want to give a chance at Christmas so instead? I he on suki We're all doing it, dude. Seems to be the... I'm going to aid Aldo. Again. Nice.

Okay. And then I will take a five foot step, I'll take a step back. Step back. Not into it. Sorry. Step back. Step back. Step back. I don't know if this thing has an AOO, so I'm not gonna risk it. Sorry. I don't know if this thing has an AO so I'm not going to risk it. So

yeah, okay. That'll be my turn. Okay. Hell of a turn. This guy's on his last legs as we get to the end of round four. It is Aldo's turn. Aldo, you have something in your hand. My wiener from trying to pee on Suki? Oh, actually, is Aldo in this... Wait, question, is Aldo in the square he is on the map? He's on top of Suki. No, he should be... Reveal me again? I think I'm further up. Wait, I don't see Suki. Yeah, Suki's one to the north.

Yeah. I'll show you Suki's real quick. So I'll five foot step diagonally. Okay. To make sure that Aldo has an avenue. Okay. Aldo. Aldo is aside.

Sorry Suki, John Wesley sends his regards. Founder of Methodism. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to use one of his infusions to, even though he was out of Greater Lightning, he's going to create another one with a spit in a bottle and throw it at the creature. Okay. Big toss. I'm going to give you some aid and you get a plus three. Wow! Cabana casa!

No! No! 30 to hit. Uh-huh. Give it a caza! No! No! Uh, 30 to hit. Ugh, Troy, you should've seen the shit-eating smile on his face. He was smiling so much!

Miss, but I'll take the splash damage. Okay, 10 points of splash damage. Nice. Wow. You are splash-tacular. Still up. Okay. Invigorating splash. With my actual third action, I am going to throw a blight

bomb. OK. Nice. Do it, do it, do it. With the multiple attack penalty, Aldo reaches back and pulls out a blight bomb and no age from throwing it this keeper of the soul 34 to miss unless he was lying earlier wait but the guy oh no not the guidance no No, no, sorry, 33.

Larry misses. Okay, but that is still another 10 points of splash, poison splash, splash damage. The Keeper of the Soul had three hit points. Yeah! The Reaper of the Soul had three hit points. Yeah! ["Extra Deliver to Ya"] Aldo! Wow!

A break from the friend with the enemy! We're not out of the woods yet. Yeah we are, it's over. Dude, that was awesome guys. Suki is burning alive. She's fine. Suki and Eris are burning alive. We quickly circle around Suki and I'll pee on her.

Hold on. What about me, you guys? Hold on, you guys will have plenty of time to pee on your friends later. You didn't like it. Eris, it's your turn and you are on fire. You're gonna take 4d6 persistent fire damage here at the end of your turn. You want to do something to lower the DC you can and should but you will still take

4d6. Yeah I want to I want to use all three of my actions to try to put out the fire on me. Do I see anything near me that is liquid that I can pour in myself? You could do shit to hit the floor and start rolling the whole way over your dace. Yeah, if I don't see any liquid, then I'm just gonna stop, drop, and roll. Let's walk through this.

First you take 20 points of fire damage. Does that bring you to dying? I'm dying. All right, you're dying. Okay. But you still get your persistent damage roll to stop this fire, even though you're fucking unconscious, this game's weird. Give me a DC ten flat check.

Okay. 14. Okay. No longer on fire, just dying. We move to Atticus' turn. Atticus, can you do anything to stop Suki? If you can stop Suki's situation, we're in the clear. You know what? I think we should be creative here at the Glasgow Network and not be so tied to like the rules. I think that that's a little bit like, I think that's a little bit short-sighted. Who are you? It's kind of like, it's not imaginative. What did you do with Joseph O'Brien? He's going to move closer and be like, Suki no! And I think that this should work dude, especially in the John Jamsky, the remaster.

I don't know what you're talking about. He's gonna, and I have this prepared, it is a cantrip, he's gonna move up and cast Frostbite on Suki. What the? A frozen, an orb of biting cold coalesces around the target, freezing its body. Yeah.

Come on. But it's a natural fight. That spell doesn't cause any damage, right? No, it does. Like, I'm saying it could hurt her, but I think it would put out the flames. And in the rules, it says specifically, if you do something that obviously puts out the flames, you know, the GM can decide the flames are out. Roll the frostbite damage, and she gets a save.

What the fuck? You didn't like that part, did you? No, no, no. You just walked up to her and cast an offensive spell. You could have just peed on her. I have a ton, Joe just said kind of off mic, you have a ton of hit points. What are you talking about?

Thought you had a ton of hit points. She didn't, she lost a lot. She lost like 39. I have some hit points. How much is... It's 7d4. 7d4? 7d4 is... Wait, what do you have? We're friends like these. Yeah, there's no way I can get that. Max damage is 28, right? I didn't know it was a d4 of damage. Okay. Sure. Do your little whatever Where's the respect? You know what I mean? Like come on We should save in this whatever you the hell you're doing right now. Does she save? Yeah, she's a little just go ahead roll save roll save will fortitude fortitude. Okay, I

Rolled a natural 18. So that's gonna be fine. Now I roll fine. Now I roll good. Okay. So that is 10 points of cold damage. We're no longer frightened, right Tra? No. There's so much going on. Yeah, 10 points of cold damage. By 10 points of cold damage, I'm gonna say that stops the flame. Thank you.

You all survived. No TPK tonight. Sorry. Merry Christmas. Hold up a sign. It's over. We see you come over, cast a cold spell as Zuki no!

And he just, Ethel and Aldo just like sword fight pee on top of her. And then eventually you wake up Eris with a healing spell. I hate it when my shorts get tangled. Suki wakes up and pushes everybody off of her, then tries to get as far away from them as possible. And we fade out from there. We fade out as this weird hobbit music plays. And we just see like scenes of all of you finding your way out of the soul.

You search the room, there's this tomes in there that you know you cannot touch. Tomes that you cannot possibly mess with. The one that we need is already gone. The one you need is already gone. You've seen the vision of Laos taking it. You saw him touch a book on a hook and that hook is now empty. We see you slapping Father Dick Bubbles awake. Bubbles holds the body of Elder Lathine and you make your way from the fourth floor to the third floor to the second floor to the first floor and... They're like shoot them up from the first row, they get all the way over here. Yeah, they're really good over there.

Awesome. Thanks guys. like shoot them up in the first row they get all the way over here. Yeah they're really good over there. Awesome, thanks guys. The doors of the Mysterium open and we just see the five of you with father Dick Bubbles holding the body of Elder Luthien and the stewards that were standing guard there that were ordered not to open the doors until they heard the chimes of that bell. When the wards were reset they stand there in awe as they watch the six and a half of you walk out of the Mysterium. Is there a chance that like Pepsi could have killed one of us in the interim? Because he still had like three rounds of confusion to go. I think Suki did cleanse mind. Suki did cleanse mind. Unfortunately Pepsi didn't make it out of there. Okay that's that's great.

Awesome. What? Pepsi and egg. Horrible. He did and he lost. So you come out of there and then we maybe we cut to a scene where you're sitting with in a room that the stewards have provided you. And Elder Thea, the woman that you met with, she was like the de facto leader after Elder Lathine went in, is there and she's like, it's amazing what you've done. I cannot thank you enough. I'm so glad that you were able to survive this. And I'm so sorry that in a way it feels all for naught.

Yes, exactly. The book is gone. He's taken it. Yes. How come your wards, your protections, this creature that hauled off on us did not stop bowels? Why was it absent as he took the book and vanished? Where was it then? He had a great hunger for knowledge. You turn and you see Elder Lathine walk into the room. Level five magic missile.

Ethel buries his hatchet in his chest. What? You were dead. He's got like a wound that goes from the bottom of his ear down across his neck like a scar and his face looks crazy pale, but he is alive. No, no, no, I checked your body. Yes, yes, I know. I cannot thank you enough for what you've done for the stewards, the

Mysterium, and for me personally. I was a fool to trust this louse, but the stewards we've fallen upon hard times and his coin purse distracted me from my better judgment. Thank you for saving me. I have been raised from the dead. Oh. That's totally normal here. Yes. So, Mom, you can totally raise dead people in the dead. It's very rare.

But it's very rare and costs a lot of money. These are clearly rich people. Well I hope you're happy that you used that purse of louse to raise your own self back after we risked our lives for you. I said thank you. Unbelievable. This is why I don't like religion.

Oh, Methodists. Wait a minute! Now I take exception. As a Methodist, I take personal exception. What's a Methodist? Well... No time. I believe in the one, the holiness of the one true son of God.

Which one? Well, it's a long story. Um... Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! I'm not super religious is the thing. Perhaps for another time. What do you mean, his thirst for knowledge? You enabled this?

Yes, I don't know much about him, but I was the one that dealt with him when he came with his alchemist friend and these hired locals. I tricked myself into believing that he was just after knowledge, but there was something wrong with this man. He was affected by something else, very twitchy. It always seemed like he was talking to himself or something. But we needed the money. What of his companion? Munn. My acne and Munn. Yes, my acne and Munn. We know him... Myachnian Munn.

Yes, Myachnian Munn. We know him. Covered in scars. He didn't say much. I said we know him. Don't need a description. We did not see a vision of him in the soul of the Mysterium. Nor did we find any of these locals. Was there any evidence of him, of Munn, dying within the Mysterium? It's been a long year, but you killed Munn and saw all the bodies.

Oh, hold on. Atticus. I just remembered something. We... Yeah, he like, literally you see Atticus look down at the... because they're celebrating with Elder Theor, and he's just like, he looks at a glass of scotch. Sorry. Ethel leans in really close. She's like, I've killed a lot of people.

It's my understanding. So many people. You found this Munn. They haunt my dreams. You killed him and you found the bodies of both my stewards that walked in with me and Munn's associates. Did I kill them too? Ethel, back up! You're breathing on us. Yes, your breath is very hot.

My ex-wife, she called me a merchant of death. Let's talk about the Necronomicon. Yes, please. This book, as I'm sure you know, it cannot fall into the wrong hands. But it has. Too late. Yes. You've been proven wrong. Yes. There's a reason it was locked within an extra dimensional vault. It's a very dangerous book. To be frank, clearly it can. It's the first time it's ever happened. By God, I hope it's the last. You're right.

You're right if a nuclear bomb was stolen. It's like, to be fair. It never happened before. It never happened before. This is the first time. It's not my fault. The stewards have been around for thousands of years and never has a book been stolen from the soul.

You killed our guardian. Well, to be fair, most of your books are pretty boring. I tried to read a couple they were just too complicated. It's unnecessarily rude. We need that book back. I think that our desires are aligned with yours. If you were searching for Laos, would you not want to stop him and whatever he's doing? Yes, of course. Of course we would. Yes, of course. This is all that we've been doing. However, what evidence is there now at this point of where he's gone? Well, since we've vanished to this mortal coil and getting briefed by the sweet Father Bubbles on what transpired. How is he, by the way, way father bubbles? Where is he?

He's a little bit shaken. Please let it go please we Stayed up late last night what? breaking Sherry Wait what talking about everything that went down did he mention any buddy your thing or anything? Yeah, no did he say? No one in particular, he was... As a physician, are you at all concerned about his extra ab?

We believe, we're not certain of course, but we believe it may be a tumor. It's an unnatural ab. It's really weird. I will look into that. This louse, I'm sure you must be curious what I spoke to him about. I really didn't speak to him that much, but I did overhear his guards talking about a gnoll slaver in Okina called Biting Lash. Oh! I know that name. Who is it? You know that name?

This was the creature that threw me into bondage when I arrived in this world, and there's nothing more I desire than to exact my Methodist vengeance upon him. Well I remembered this when I came back to life and I have spent the last few hours looking into Okino and the goings on there. Okino is a city of slavers nestled between rocky ridges on the southern side of Stone Spire Island. It's at least 400, 500 miles from here as the crow flies, but it would be at least 700 miles or so by the river. Depending on the ship and the quality of the winds,

it would take you anywhere between one and two weeks to get there but I believe this is where louse went do you know of okay now do you know of this what do you know of this know biting lash why no I know the knoll can I do a knowledge check on the location. Yeah. We saw it. Some vision of it. What did you see? A tower, I believe. It is fading quickly, but a tower surrounded by the... Eureka Scotch. And then he just like burps.

Oh, it's very hard to talk to you this close. I rolled a natural 20 on society. Alright, so it makes sense because you have been there. When you came over from Earth to here, you were captured and taken to Okano. You know that Okano is a dangerous place where gnolls walk the streets openly. A place where the wrong kind of glances can lead to drawn weapons and death. It is almost impossible for a day to pass in the streets of Okano without some kind of violent incident.

There are flesh fairs there. The flesh fairs Okano. These are what the slave markets are known as. They are the largest in the inner sea region and at any given time almost half of the population of this pirate city is made up of these slavers and their merchandise. I love, this is so old school. I love this.

I'm so excited. Natural 20, I'm gonna give you more information. Please do. Far from being outcasts, Noel's slavers are welcome and considered to be the most professional of their ilk. They even have their own market, known as the Laughing Flesh Flare. You know this on account of the way the bidding is done with laughing cries

and barks like a hyena. So in that sense you think that like only gnolls are allowed to trade here in this market. Although openly welcome in the city these gnolls are despised by all the other humanoids that work the trade. This is often a case of simple professional jealousy, but it's sometimes from a sense of loathing at how they treat their merchandise. The gnolls are paranoid about security and operate in a web of deceit, many take pseudonyms and keep their pits veiled in mystery where their thralls live. Many of the gnolls keep their merchandise in different locations and keep their most prized possessions in fortified

structures, not unlike this tower that you perhaps saw in the vision, far away from the flesh fairs. It's amazing how much you know about Okina. I was there. I saw a name in my studies, Hyena Princess Nijano. She is a lady of great intelligence and influence among the laughing flesh fair. She is so powerful that great intelligence and influence among the Laughing Flesh Fair. She is so powerful that she operates openly there, and she knows everyone in the city. If you can find a way to cozy up to her, then perhaps she can lead you to biting lash.

And louse. and the book. But none of you are gnolls and you are far from okay now. No. What'd you call me? I said you're not a gnoll. We may not be gnolls, we may be far, but we do know a badass captain with a ship ship and I think skywind might take us there

Perhaps you could vouch for us. Perhaps. She's been there Perhaps but that may take too long to have a better idea I Could teleport you there oh shit It is risky, but obviously retrieving this book is important. And timely. And if Louse has a head start, getting you there quickly is of the utmost importance. Have you dabbled in teleportation magic? We've never been teleported right? Sadly no.

No. I've studied, I've tried but I've never successfully done it. Never had the privilege. I can turn into a bird. That's about as far as I get. Yes, that will still take you a long time. Yeah. It's not wild magic per se, but it is imprecise. It could lead to putting you exactly where you want to be, slightly off mark or in a

completely different place than your destination. But I would be willing to help. Then let us go. We cannot wait any longer. He already has a head start. I would like to take a nap. No naps. I would love to finish like Eris is crocheting at this point with her long nails.

I would love to finish making a new egg. Can we just have a day maybe? I don't know what that means but sure if your friends are... Can you heal us?...willing to wait. Quite badly injured. Yes, yes, I can provide healing. My stewards will help. And we will get you ready for the journey. And then when you're ready, I will take you to a room and we will try this teleportation. I love the way you're saying that. Maybe I can help.

I'm familiar with translocating. Okay, it's totally different. I mean, it's similar. Not really. It has the teleportation trait. They both start with T. That's about it. We'll talk while you knit an egg.

Crochet. Crochet. While you knit egg crochet crochet Come this way and he brings you into rooms where you can rest and The next morning you spend all night crocheting He stewards come and wake you from your quarters right You're given the best rooms and they're all shitty. They wake you and they bring you into a room and Elder Theor is there and Elder Lathine and Father Dick bubbles. Why is he here?

Oh, shit. Father Dick. Sorry. Why is he here? Oh shit father dick Sorry Father dick wanted to be here to speak with you, but I wanted to give you something I know elder Thea promised you a recompense for Your help yes, we don't we don't have any money Your help. Yes. We don't we don't have any money

You raised someone from the dead yes, we spent it all on that I Mean I do have two thousand gold that Lows gave us as a bribe I Was gonna it would be unethical for you to keep that money. I was going to buy a new desk. Don't you also have to repair your library? Exactly. I mean, that would cost at least 1100 gold on my desk. No, no, it's it's all right. Don't don't worry about it.

Just you could instead just give us gifts of immense worth. Do you want the 2000 gold? Yes. Or the cash. Yeah. Or just the cash. Right? The cash equivalent of 2000 gold worth of anything. All right. Just, you know, we'll take it. Just take it. Just take it. It's dirty money anyways. It's cursed whoever cursed whoever takes it will be cursed. I'm cursed already, didn't you hear me talking about all the people whose faces I see in my dreams? They speak to me. They ask me why. Why they're dead. And I can't answer them. Really? You killed them, Why can't you answer them? Yeah, it's an easy answer.

Yeah. Shut up. What are you, stupid? Maybe you should take the money. You take the money, Atticus. Are you ready? Sometimes they sing songs. I don't care.

Are you all ready to be teleported? Yes. Is Father Bubbles coming with us? Stop shitting around. That is a good question. Suki. Are you all ready to be teleported? Yes! Is Father Bubbles coming with us? Stop. Shitting around. That is a good question. Suki! Of course Father Bubbles is coming with us.

Oh, are you... Suki! Why would he even be a question? Are you talking to me? You beautiful princess. Dick, stop. I can't. I am sad to see our journey come to an end.

No, Father Bubbles. No, no. No, you must come with us. You have taught me so much about life, about adventuring, and love and lust. Ethel is slowly starting to move around behind Father Bubbles. This is like stretching his hands.

I have... Suki pushes Ethel's hands with her hands as she places them on Father Bubbles' shoulders. View as well, Father Bubbles. We will surely miss you. And she's swatting Ethel's hands behind his head. I thought my life would be relegated to just reading holy texts over and over again and whine with my superiors. But here I am an adventurer.

I feel imbued with new powers. She puts her hand on his face and she says, shut up, you beautiful idiot. And she kisses father Bubbles. Wow. And Ethel takes advantage of the moment to put him in his sleeper hold. And Zuki fully lets go and lets him do it.

Rest now, rest now, you've had a long journey. It's okay, go to sleep. Thank you, Ethel. Go to sleep. And the dick gets choked out. Now, the theme just kind of looks at him. This was a long time coming, you have to understand. We went through a lot.

We've peened through the ringer with him. I think you should leave. I agree. We're trying to. Please stand here and he gets down on like all fours and starts tracing like a white chalk outline of a circle on the floor. Suki grabs everyone's hands next to her. Everyone hold hands. Step here. Why? Hold on, let me just move Father Bubbles. And he pulls Father Bubbles by the collar.

I wouldn't want a piece of him to go with you. You might want to check out that app, though. Yes. Elda Thea, give me time with Bubbles when they leave. Thank you. For all that you've done. Elder Thea, give me time with bubbles when they leave. Thank you for all that you've done. I look forward to seeing you return with the Necronomicon. Good luck and Godspeed.

And he closes his eyes, outstretches his hands and You feel like your body start to thrum with energy From with an energy that levels you up And then shroom you disappear and we'll Thank you! Do you like what you hear? Well then it's time to make your membership official. You can start your 30-day free trial today and become an official member of the Naish at JoinTheNaish.com with the promo code GCN30.

That's JoinTheNaish.com and use code GCN30. That's GCN30 to gain access to exclusive podcasts, ad-free episodes, and live streams you can't find anywhere else. Once again, it's jointhenesh.com. Use code GCN30 at sign up to get your first 30 days for free. See what everybody else is talking about, and join the Nesh today.