The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Ari Shaffir - HoneyShaffir

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Ari Shaffir! (Jew, You Be Trippin) Ari returns to Highlight some of his Lowlights. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] CATCH ME ON TOUR https://www.ryansickler.com/tour Omaha, NE | March 29th & 30th Columbus, OH | April 12th & 13th Toledo, OH | April 26th & 27th Los Angeles, CA | May 12th Miami, FL | June 7th & 8th Get Your HoneyDew Gear Today! https://shop.ryansickler.com/ Ringtones Are Available Now! https://www.apple.com/itunes/ http://ryansickler.com/ https://thehoneydewpodcast.com/ SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 SPONSORS: Rocket Money -Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to https://www.RocketMoney.com/HONEYDEW Liquid I.V. -Get 20% off ANYTHING you order when you go to https://www.LiquidIV.com and use code HONEYDEW

Omaha, Nebraska. I'll be there March 29th and 30th at the Funny Bone. Columbus, Ohio. I'm headed your way. Friday, April 12th and Saturday, April 13th. Toledo, Ohio. The Live and Alive tour is headed your way. I'll be there Friday, April 26th and Saturday, April 27th. Los Angeles. Sunday, May 12th. I'll be at the Bourbon Room for my show during the Netflix is a Joke Fest. Miami, Florida, I'm bringing the live in a live tour your way.

I'll be at the Miami Improv Friday, June 7th and Saturday, June 8th. Get your tickets now. All tickets are available at RyanSickler.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to the honeydew y'all we're over here doing it in the night pan studios I'm Ryan Sickler RyanSickler.com Ryan sickler on all your social medias. I'm going to start this episode like I start them all by saying thank you. Thank you for supporting this show. Anything I do the special, the way back, all of it,

subscribe rate review, do all those things that help that are free. And you guys, I love my life. I love my job and I appreciate you guys supporting the hell out of me. Come see me on tour. If I'm in your town, when you're around, all tickets on my website at Ryan sickle dot com. All right. Check out that Patreon five bucks a month. It's not how to deal with you all. It's nothing like my guest over here said. It's a cup of coffee. It's a cup of coffee. Not even any more.

Hundreds of hours less. You any more. Hundreds of hours. Less. You're right. You're right. This damn inflation. Kept it five bucks since the get go and it's still five bucks and it's your story. So, hey, if you have any stories that have to be heard,

please email us at honeydewpodcast.gmail.com. All right, that's it. We're gonna get into it now. You know what we do here. We highlight the low lights. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. Very excited to have this guest back on the honeydew. Ladies and gentlemen, Ari Shaffir, welcome back to the honeydew.

Please promote everything now. What's it up to now? It was 810,000. That's so much. But at 550, they pulled it. They flagged me and de-modetized me. So from Big Four Maryland? Yup.

From Big Four Maryland. These mother F's. And because of that, still there's been 300 and some thousand that have gone to find it, which is amazing. My goal is a million. Wow. I don't get paid for it anymore. It's been long gone.

Yeah, that's long gone. People are seeing it. But people are hard on it. It's great. Thank you. Thank you for your support. Yeah, buddy. Please talk about everything you'd like to promote. I have a you know, an ongoing tour the wrong side of history tour I'll be all over the place trying to set the record for Shows in Denver, Colorado. Are you really? In March, yeah, I'm doing two weeks there. Are you really? Yeah. What's the record? I don't know, eight.

Have you done the research on the record? I think I might have the record already, but we'll see. Yeah. But yeah, everyone's got, go to the other place. I'm like, nah, I like that place. And I got a new podcast, a travel podcast called You Be Trippin'. That's good, I like that.

It's Sal's idea. That hasn't been taken yet, You Be Trippin. I like that. Sounds like that hasn't been, uh, that hasn't been taken yet. You'd be tripping. I can't believe it. That's fucking correct. Yeah. Thanks. That was Sal. I love it. You'd be tripping. Yeah. Yeah. This is idea. We're trying to run him by ideas and he, uh, he came up with that. I'm like, that's it. That's the one. Um, yeah, I'm excited. But you say you, we were talking before you, so you stopped your old podcast.

It's not a new, in addition to this is no, no one's done. You're probably doing better overlapping. It's also promote one when you have one. Um, yeah, I, I like, I like my freedom. So I was just like, I'm out. It was great for a while. Nothing to do. But I'm back.

Yeah, I like this one. I really like hearing people's travel stories. I like hearing what people got into when they were gone, especially the far off places. Yeah, I just like, that's what it is in like a hostel. You just sit there and talk and everybody has their story. You're just like, whoa. The next person goes like, whoa.

It makes you want to go to those places. See, I'm the opposite. I don story. You're just like, whoa. Next person goes like, whoa. It makes you wanna go to those places. See, I'm the opposite. I don't- You like being home? Here's the thing. I love the stories. I definitely wanna hear your story. I don't think I wanna sit in the hostel and hear it with you.

You know what I'm saying? I hear ya. You just gotta get used to those thin mattresses. I'd rather be in the bar or something like that and hear your story, but yeah. Cause I stayed, so wait, let's go back to this first. Yeah. Let's talk about travel as a kid. Did you travel as a child or all?

Did you guys do family vacations? Went to Israel, you know, like, like for Passover every year. Every year? Pretty much. Oh wow. Yeah, because of the grandparents. But did you travel around the U.S.?

Did you guys go to Florida, Disney? Did you go to the Grand Canyon? We did go to Disney once. Me and my sister went to Disney once. How old were you? I was clear on my dick, if you know what I mean. I know that. So it was 10.

I was right around sixth grade. 10, something like that, 11. Clear on my dick. Dude, I was dancing in front of my sister. I had my pants off and I was just like, like shaking my dick at her. I kinda know why. I just shake my dick at her.

She like stops at me. She just got the smile. I was like, what's going on? And my grandfather just, but he saw it on TV. He's like, what the fuck? Your grandfather slapped your dick? It's old, not my dick, my head.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Cause I, get that big city shit out of here. Big city. Yeah. He was raised in Omaha. He was like, I don't know what they're teaching you up there, but no.

Oh shit. But wait, when you say you and your sister, your parents didn't go to Disney with you? No, they sent us to Epcot with my aunt and my grandmother. We all went. Not just the two of you. Yeah, my grandpa had to work. But yeah, because they were retired already in Florida.

Damn, that was a fun trip. Why? Epcot, when you're a kid, it's wild. You eat, well, you couldn't really eat that stuff. But like, yeah, you just visit the whole world. What was that mascot they had? I'm sitting here literally thinking that little purple dragon. What was that mascot?

Yeah, yeah, what the fuck? Little purple dragon, that thing. The fuck was that mascot they had? I'm sitting here literally thinking that little purple dragon. What was that mascot? Yeah, yeah, what the fuck? Little purple dragon, that thing. The fuck was that mascot? And he was everywhere. It was like, not Gizmo, it was something like that. Damn. You gotta find out what that mascot is.

What that was, it was the mascot of Epcot. Little mini dragon. And then they had a thing where you pose in a picture and they shoot radiation at you. Like leaves a mark on the wall. They're like, looking back, it was highly unsafe. I would like slowly fade. What was that mask?

God, I want to know what that was. I went to, I only went to Disney World once now. Two times I think we went. I don't remember like, that's the thing, you take your kids, figment, that's it, figment. That's the mascot of imagination. Is it still? I hope so.

Why get rid of it? Imagination. Figment of your imagination. I just fucking put that together, right? Yeah, figment of my, oh yeah. Why would he be called figment because of that, right? I got it, I got it. I'm just locking that in right now, dude. I got it. I got it.

I just found that Doobie Brothers is about weed. Rogan was like, Doobie Brothers, like what, no, they're like a nice band. They're like Doobie. I'm like, damn it. Yep. For sure. Um, what other, what, what would you do then? Where would you go? Just Israel once a year and you weren't sure you weren't a vacation.

We'd go skiing in the smoky mountains. Yeah. Where would you go? Just Israel once a year, and you weren't a vacation family. We'd go skiing in the Smoky Mountains. Yeah, and then, but no, not really. I didn't really start traveling. I didn't do Israel's travel really. Yeah. You know, as a kid, you're just like, just visiting your grandparents.

So I was gonna say, you have family there? Yeah. I didn't know. It's like later people ask me, like, you been anywhere? I'm like, no. I'm like, didn't you live in Israel for two years? I'm like, oh, I guess. I didn't know. It's like later people asked me like, you've been anywhere? I'm like, no. I'm like, didn't you live in Israel for two years? I'm like, oh, I guess that doesn't count. Like why doesn't living in Asia

count? It was in Asia. Yeah. People don't know that. That is an Asia. Yeah. You know, I feel the same way. Stop Asian hate out there. A little bit about my people. I really barely got through. So help us out. Just stop that Asian hate. I feel that way about D.C. You know, when I'm out here, people you've been to D.C.

and I'm like, yeah, every fucking year. But but what I'm saying is every year through middle school. And then you're like, oh, we are pretty lucky that we lived right. Fucking there's only never been. So I'm saying for you, Israel was like this thing when you're like, oh shit, when you look back, like, oh wow. Yeah, you go up to Masada where they like had that last, this is mountain. They had a last stand against the Romans.

I think an old Roman emperor built it and then they went up there and like, they just like put our last stand in and they couldn't get up there. They just kept throwing rocks down and getting rock slides at them until they started using Jews as human shields. And then the Jews like, ah, I didn't consider that. Is that right? Then they all took poison. Is that?

Yeah, they got up there and everybody's dead. That's history. Yeah. They were using you as human shields. Yeah. They were like, they keep throwing these rocks down. What are we gonna do? It's like, oh, let's put Jews in front of us.

They'll have some level of like, can't kill another Jew. Romans though. Piece of fucking shit. You think we forgot about Masada? We didn't. So what's young Ari Shafir getting into in high school and shit then like playing ball with your friends. Yeah. Playing ball, trying to keep Shabbos basketball, playing basketball. Yeah. I was on the basketball team, sixth man, sixth man of the year. So were you? Yeah.

Off the bench? Yeah, in JDS, yeah. So you say trying to keep Shabbos. Yeah, we're gonna talk middle school title. Did you? PVAC. Let's talk about it. Yeah, it was us, another Jewish school,

another Jewish school, a deaf school, Sidwell friends. That's fucking Lee. Oh yeah. This is fucking Lee. Get over here, you're bragging. Oh dude, it was full on, it was full on like the dregs. It was table eight or whatever it is. Yeah.

I always say be the best wherever you are. Wherever you are, man. They told me when they blew a whistle, because the deaf kids would keep going. They'd keep going. They'd go hard too. Because they don't have full R-chart strike, but they have like a bit of it.

So you don't want them to go hard if you're not playing. So blue whistle, everyone has to stay up on the ground. Oh, okay. I get it. I'll stop. That's what you feel the vibration. Yeah. Call you that. Yeah. My cousin went to guy that you see in college. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, they had high school too. Oh, they had a high school too? They had a high school. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. My cousin is deaf, one of them. Well, three of them actually. And she's got, she goes, come back to my bedroom.

And she's like, lay on my bed. What? And it starts vibrating. I'm like, what the fuck are you showing me this for? Like you some kind of freak? And she's like, listen, you piece of shit. She's deaf. So that's her doorbell. So if she's ever in bed without her hearing it she she'll tell me like we've all hung

out before and she'll be like everybody wants to say anything before i go to bed she'll take them all really what a power you're hearing shit what a power i still think she hears whatever we say about it you know she's gets to her bed if someone's at the door it'll vibrate to let her know someone's ringing her doorbell at the door and i was like wow shit her bed, if someone's at the door, it'll vibrate to let her know someone's ringing her doorbell at the door. And I was like, whoa, shit like that. What if someone's like, you know what I mean, ringing that doorbell? That doorbell's been rung, bro.

We also, one time, you're making me think of this, in high school soccer, we played Damascus. Do you remember Damascus High School? Play them, and there was a kid with an arm gone at the elbow. Right. From what? Birth or?

We didn't get into it. But what he would do is he would fucking run by you. And I don't, he would fucking like use it. He could fucking swing that thing. And it would hit you in the back like a club. Oh, yeah. You go down like what the fuck? Like it's just from here up.

And he was so aggressive with it. And he was a dick. And you know, you don't want to fuck this guy up. But yeah, but he was such an arrogant asshole. And he's just banging all of us. The refs call on his banging him. So we end up winning by like one goal. It was a tight game. It was a lot of fucking aggression and shit. And we lined up to shake hands. We lined up on the side. He didn't have a arm. It made that motherfucker reach over. Yeah, I didn't do that. Fuck you, dude.

Well, you also I want to talk about this, too. You also told me about the lady Terps. Yeah, so I know you turn about. My favorite things are a turp. I wanted to go to Maryland, but they didn't have a communications program. They got rid of it. So I went to Towson. OK. Yeah, I was I wanted to be to Maryland, but they didn't have a communications program. They got rid of it. So I went to Towson. Okay.

Yeah. I was, I wanted to be a Terp. Yeah. My first girlfriend would live right by Towson. What was your major at Maryland? English. Fit with a minor in films or focus in films. Yeah.

Um, but yeah, we were at Dorchester right across from Colfield house. I don't know. What years were you there? 74, 75. Yeah, I was kidding my friends. I'll just beat you to it. When was I there? 90 what? Yeah, it's in the 90s.

I graduated in 99. So I think 94 to 99. You were there when the tarps were good. 2000s when they won, right? Yeah, Juan Dixixon, Steve Blake. Yeah, I ran into Steve Blake the next year. Did you? Yeah, at the practice gym.

He had a very, of all those dudes, he had a very successful NBA career. Yeah, it might have been the most, because what's his name, the phenom? Juan Dixon was Wizards and gone, Stevie franchise. Played for a little bit. And then Joe Smith, who was like, what the fuck? This kid came out of nowhere. Never really made it in the NBA. And then the most successful guy.

One of the Terps is a Harlem Globetrotter. He might be the most successful guy. He's still playing. He's in a wheelchair out there playing now. Popping it off his chair. But Steve Blake shot by Steve Blake, man. Great defense. Played for the Lakers.

Played for the Lakers. Won a title. He hit that shot against Denver that sent him over there. Was that him? Great shot. Great defense. Played for the Lakers. Played for the Lakers. Won a title. He hit that shot against Denver that sent him over there. Was that him? Yeah, he hit some good big shots. Stevie Blake. And no one thought he could.

Quietly fucking great player in the NBA. You didn't think he was good until you heard him talk. You're like, oh, you might be good. You've got that twang. But yeah, I was in doorchairs across and one day somebody was like, hey, they're looking for new dudes. And we were like, what do you mean me?

My friend, Brian Manning, everything, Jesse Cooper, and they're like, they need guys to bang against. They don't have any guys. I, this is what I said, like Pat summit, the, um, Tennessee, Tennessee coach, hall of fame coach, she started it. She was like, if I have a six foot nine woman on the team, she's got no one to practice against. On the boys team, you got a freshman to practice against,

who's your height, you know? And a sophomore, who's your height? If you're the girls team, if you're six nine, that's why you're there, you're the tallest one. Problem may be in the conference. And so you got no one, so they, let's get a six foot nine dude in there. So that's what I did.

I had three days a week, I passed with Lady Turps. I can't believe I've never heard. I still have a pair of shorts that I have from them. Yeah. It was so fucking cool. We'd show up. Who was the coach? Coach Weller, Chris Weller. She might've been in the Hall of Fame too. Maybe not though. They were good though for a while. They were good. And we'd show up and we'd bang. And at first you take a real light on them because they're girls. And they'd hit you they'd hit you and they have those those arm bears and I think they would have shaved off some of the metal so it could like stick you and once they hit you yeah you're like all

right bitch let's fucking go then you want to go down oh yeah now we got somebody and it's fucking, you know, and they'd win most of those battles, but when I held my own. Do they get so mad? If you miss a layup in a script, which like, we're trying to fucking win, man. What the fuck you doing? And I'm like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hold on, Hold on. It's not boys against girls. You're also mixed in with some ladies on the team and if you're on your ass, we're trying to win a scrimmage bro. Cause they want to push.

A lot of times. No, but a lot of times though, it was great. And there's cloud in your shit. Oh, and then the girl, the, the, the guards who I guard sometimes, they're like five, seven, five, eight. You try to block one of their shots, you just gotta go forward, you know? Cause they had these shots that get over your arm. I'm six three, I'm way taller than most guys.

Six foot three is like a power forward. Yeah, I just wanted to say, are you matched up, or are you getting a six, nine, two? Yeah, Braka Bogdanovic. She was six foot nine, six ten. Where was she from? From the Czech Republic. I think it was still Czechoslovakia.

And she was six nine, but was she skinny or was she like shack, you know, had size to that six nine? From far away, she looked like a normal woman, a normal hot woman. From up close, she looked like a monster. Yeah. She was so big. Like muscle.

But just, no, thick, but like in proportion. Yeah, that was so big, like muscle, but just no thick, but like in proportion. Yeah. That's what I mean. Proportionate. Yeah. So far away. You like my stepson six five, but he's like 110 pounds, you know? Oh right. Yeah. No, no, no, no. She was suicide. She would run suicides, you know, suicide up, down, far up, up. And it looked like she was walking and she was like, I'm pushing it. And she would go over fastest. She was just like, she just couldn't move. She was so fucking slow. I wanted to fuck her so bad.

She said her dad was 6'9 and her mom was 6'3. And I'm like, that's us. That's us. We figured it out. She'd have to be on top. She'd have to be riding me because I wouldn't be able to even kiss her if I was like missionary.

I'd be like, her face would be here. Okay, you're 6'3". Where would your eye line be on her? Like her neck or chin? Yeah, about her neck. Six inches taller than me. God, that's still so much more. This much.

Yeah, maybe right under her mouth. Her big fucking check mouth. Bronco, I wanna kiss you so bad. Kiss all over you. Yeah. I had a crush on a girl on the team. Michelle is something. Did you ever connect hook up with anybody on the team? I was such a fucking pussy. I just danced around it all the time. I wanted to. They had groupies too.

Did they? They had male groupies? No. Female groupies. Female groupies. Really? Yeah. And some of them were, were, went both way groupies. Male Did they, they had male groupies? No. Female groupies. Female groupies. Really? Yeah. And some of them were, were, went both way groupies. Yeah.

Male team, female team. Oh shit. Really? Yeah. Like the same ones would show up. I didn't even think of that. Yeah. So the same ladies going to bang Juan Dixon and the Czech lady.

Yeah. You know, if you're after the Czech lady, you're not going to trap them into a pregnancy. You're not going to be like, it's yours. Like I guarantee it's not. Yeah. No abortions to pay for if you're not gonna trap him into a pregnancy. You're not gonna be like, it's yours. Like, I guarantee it's not. Yeah, no abortions to pay for if you're an agent. I tried to go in, I tried to play once, the coach was like, no way.

I'm like, come on, I had long hair. I had long hair. Oh, you wanna try to get in the game? I was like, let me play garbage minutes. Not real minutes, Ryan, not real minutes. I don't wanna change the outcome of the game. I just wanna get an NCAA stat. Just the body on the floor, yeah. Yeah. I got lucky, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. the staples, like it's like the Laker seats or whatever. You know? I was like, are we on the floor floor? He's like, we're on the floor. I was like, wow. And I'm sitting there. No one's in front of you? No, but my feet, I took a picture.

My feet are touching nobody. Wow. And the ball bounces right to it. And I was like, that's what I did. I was like, here it comes. And I got it. And the ref looks up and I just fucking chest passed it to him. He said, thank you.

And I told my daughter, I said, I'm telling your kids, I got an assistant in the NBA. Okay. You were looking for like this past. You were looking for that. You get all the form. You even did that with the heads out. Chest to chest bro. From seated. I was seated. Wow. Wow. Did those agent tickets are wild? Those hookup tickets. Never seen anything like that in my life. That's a bucket list thing. That's crazy.

Go court side anywhere. Court side. I've never been. At a Laker game. That's the ultimate. Fully Mayweather's right down here. No way. Oh yeah. Are you bigger than him?

Told you. Size? Yeah, yeah. He's, when he walks by, you do, there's a thing in your head as a male ego where you're like, I think I can see. I think I can see. I think I can see. I think I can it. I just look side to side with him.

Unless you're really good at striking. I'm still thinking about it. He's already landed three on my face and I'm falling down the ground. Like, what happened? Wait, wait. Do you have a friend? His jewelry, I was telling Segura, if I was a player, I'd be like, you got to ask him to take that watch off.

It is so fucking blingy. Really? When you look over there and you're the other thing I can't get over is you're right on that fucking floor. Yeah, I don't know how anyone doesn't. Yeah. Six foot. You could spill your soda right there. Ditsy fucking Instagram influencers are just like, oh my God.

Yes. Spills. Oh, yeah. Spills a slip. Boom. I can't. I can't I can't believe you're allowed to be that close to the players and risk their health. That's wild to me. I did a UFC once I went to get popcorn. I came back. One time I got Goldie and Rogan, I got them hot dogs. I was like, you know what, let me hook these guys up and the kid, they gave you this great seats right behind them. You guys want hot dogs?

Weren't you making out with somebody? Was that you? Duncan. It was. Yeah. We realized the camera was like through at us. So Duncan's like, yeah. Weren't you making out with somebody? Was that you? Duncan. It was. Yeah, we realized the camera was like through at us. So Duncan's like, we were doing illuminati signs first. Duncan was like, Duncan's like, people think he's already doing the illuminati. We just kept doing this every time.

It was right. And then we'd do these like a double and then he'd complete the illuminati. Cause people were like, I knew it. And then at some point, I think Frosty was like, well you guys got a kiss, and we're like, yeah, damn it. And as soon as there was some wrestling, some boring wrestling, Duncan's like, we're on.

He was looking at the screens, and we just started fighting. There was a headline, two bored bearded dudes make out at UFC. A UFC game. That's great. Yeah, it was fun. You don't have to use your tongue to knock it. Super bored beards, dude.

So you would go out a few times a week. So I went and I got some popcorn once. Oh, sorry, go ahead. And I came back and I was just eating it and I jumped up and I just spilled it everywhere where the fighters are walking in and I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck. That's what you're saying with those girls. I'm surprised they don't. They're like, don't worry about it. I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck. That's what you're saying with those girls. I'm surprised they don't. They're like, don't worry about it.

I'm like, what do you mean? There's popcorn everywhere. It's gonna, yeah, I just. The bronze is gonna tear his ACL on that shit. Yeah. Yeah. I'm surprised that didn't happen. Mm-hmm. Yeah, three days a week.

I practice with them. And it's like, I imagine that's a real workout. It is a real workout. They're not going easy on you. They're not. Sometimes they would just do like drills or like they go over stuff. You'd be sitting waiting. It was cool though. Shooting baskets on Cole field house. Jerry stack houses there yesterday.

You're on the court. God damn. It was fun. And then, uh, so one time, dude, these are, these bring back memories. Like as you go, you know, so one time me and Jesse, one of the other practice players, Liberia's finest, we were walking through the quad, we saw some guy beating up his girlfriend. Right in the quad? Yeah, like down there, in the North Hill, I think.

And we're like, oh, let's do something about it. Jesse was strong as shit, so I have him on my back. One time we heard somebody use the N-word, and that was me and like six black guys and that's when I'd be like, no, fuck that, let's do something. Just like as long as I got protection. If it was just me, I'd be like,

they shouldn't have said that. But yeah, we're like, let's, we gotta, you know, no, you can't do that. And then we got up there and it was one of the girls on the basketball team beating up her girlfriend. Yeah, and we all just make up a name. We're like, Betsy, how you doing? We just walked on, we're like,

I don't know how to handle this. I don't know my responsibility on this one. I was like, enjoy your evening, ladies. Enjoy your evening! I wouldn't know what to do either, that's domestic. I was like, oh. Oh, well, fine then. Dude, one time, now you make me think of this. One time I was working as a writer for, I was a freelance writer and I was hired to

do like a sizzle reel for the TV guide channel. And at the time their offices were in Hollywood and Highland, right where all the freaking freak superheroes are. You know, I'm talking about they all stand out front. The painting their fingers, they, their, their gloves are torn. So they just paint their fingers red. Yes. I'll tell you another story about Spider-Man.

I'll tell you about Spider-Man in a second. So, um, I used to go out and just steal a smoke on the sidewalk. Cause I'm on the Highland side, right before where the lucky bowl was over there. Okay. There's just a little stairwell, let's go out there, but it's right across on this Burger King. By the way, that Burger King, the smell that that thing put out, I think I've eaten at a Burger King twice in my life since then.

Well, it was over it. Just the smell that that thing cranked out. And I was like, ah, I can't. Every day I'm smelling it. So there was one lady who was Shrek's girlfriend, you know, Fiona or whatever. And then there was, I think Snow White, and they were like a lesbian couple and this was their gig. Dude, I come down the stairs one day and they're going at it. I didn't have a video camera on my cell phone back then. But it is going at and they're fucking pushing each other and shit.

It's good. Fuck you, bitch. And the outfits. Yeah. And then on the side, yeah, in the stairwell. And I'm like, get the fuck out of here right now. And they're going at it. And I'm like, oh, this is beyond because I would see some like a Superman would come up to another Superman like, yo, this is beyond, because I would see some of them, like a Superman would come up to another Superman,

like, yo, this is my fucking street. This is a lover's quarrel in Fiona and Snow White going, and shitty Fiona and Snow White, by the way. You know what I mean? And they're going at it. And I was like, this is fucking awesome. Wow, it looks so weird. That's my favorite thing about Halloween,

is seeing couples in costumes fighting. But like Superman's fighting with like slutty Wonder Woman. Well, she's already slutty. But yeah, one time we were in New Orleans, we were going on the Joker's Cruise. So the day before we were all partying and we saw two of the Teenage Mutant Turtles fighting, boyfriend and girlfriend.

Nah, that's a good one. And they were just fucking, fuck you, fuck you. And you know, it's like, you don't take your thing off. But it's like, dude, when you're with a girl or with a boy, it just happens. It doesn't matter. It just happens. And Luis Gomez was with us and he was Donatello.

And it was like, Luis, do something. And he went in there and was like, guys. He's trying to do things like, we can't be fighting. What are we doing? And they looked up like, ha ha. And then they was like, seriously, let's look at it. The guy's like, we can't be fighting. What are we doing? And they looked up like, huh, huh, you know? And then they was like, seriously, let's look at the guys like, get the fuck out of here, man. I'm not.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! We lost! We tried to have a fucking fight. You haven't been in this whole relationship. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, man. One time I worked for E. I'll say one of the worst jobs I've ever had. Really garbage.

Uh, it was just a factory. I, the turnover in that department I was in was unreal. Yeah. Like a dozen of us all left at the same time and six of us went to the same job at another place, but they wanted us to do a bit where the whole gag was go out the Hollywood Boulevard and get Spider-Man. Specifically, it was Spider-Man and then shoot like some interstitials with him. Like he was sort of normal, like he couldn't use his superpower.

So they wanted us to film him like walking across the street with his fucking luggage and just climbing a tree and shit like this. So, you know, these guys, we go meet this guy. He's a basically homeless, but he's, yeah, basically, basically cause he's, he just, they're, they're putting their arms on people. They have no idea. Like, this is kind of a homeless. He's staying at like a motel day rate around the corner. And he just walks in his SpiderMan. With his hooker girlfriend.

He's got dress shoes on in the outfit, like pulled up over the outfit. He's got, he's got diarrhea stains all in the back of this fucking suit. It's disgusting. He stinks. He's got like stained, stained, the mask is bad and he's standing out there and he's doing shit like this.

So we're working with this guy for like two or three hours. We pay him a few hundred dollars, right? It was a good day for him. Cause we know the argument is you're pulling me away from what I, fine, you're right. So we're going to pay you more than you would make that day, which we do. And he's crazy.

He's like, I'll climb that tree for you over there. We're like, great. And that's when he gets up there. I'm making the PA, the PA is pushing him and he's looking. He's like, I'll climb that tree for you over there. We're like, great. And that's when he gets up there. I'm making the PA, the PA is pushing him and he's looking at the diarrhea. It's just help the guy get up. And then of course he's a hustler. So a day later I had given him as a gag,

the producer that wasn't there, the guy we didn't like, I gave him his card. I go, if you need anything, this is who you want to talk to if you need the footage or whatever. And he starts harassing that guy saying that he ripped his suit, getting up and doing all this shit for, so he wants them to buy him a new suit. That's his chance to get a new suit. He knew it. He's been milking this old suit for so long.

He's been shitting in it for shitting in it. I need a new shit. And he's like, I can get a new fucking suit. And he hurt it. Listen, I left that guy called every fucking day. The guy would let us like call me again. I'm like, get him a new suit, dude. Get him a new suit. I love a crazy Hollywood dude. Did you know nearly 75% of people have subscriptions they've forgotten about. Between streaming services,

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off your first order when you shop better hydration today using promo code honeydew at liquidiv.com. Now let's get back to the do. Damn, those people are nuts there. There's a special kind of crazy in Hollywood. It's a special kind of crazy because they might have wanted to be something and thought they had a chance at some point. I like those old headshots you see

with all full of life and hope and now they're not around anymore. Gone. And you're like, where did that smile go? That guy who's like, I'm gonna make it. I can't know. And I wanted to get beaten off you? How many people stole your rolls

before he like stabbed you in the back to get ahead? This city is soulless. Amen. I mean, I see so many people, even in our little world, the actors that come in here, they just sell out their friends. The moment they get in trouble, they're like, they're fucking done to me.

It's like, where? Nobody sticks with their friends. There's so few Joey Diaz and so many fucking actor fakers. Yep. Yep. That's why I always get upset when people shit on, I'll say it again. I've said it before. Joey Diaz is a man who, the things we hear about Joey Diaz, Joey Diaz tells us, there's not one person

who's come forward and said, this person did this to me. He told the stories, right? The man also went to prison, served his fucking time, prison, not jail, served his time, got out, reinvented himself, rehabilitated himself and made himself a successful standup comedian. Granted, when you're an ex con, there's only so many fields you're going to be able to go into. You can't be a doctor. And rise to the top. But the man did that. Okay. All these other fucking pieces of shit,

they haven't gone to prison. They haven't done anything. It's a woe is me. Oh boohoo. I didn't know. I'm sorry. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit. That man served his time. And if we're going to preach rehabilitation and let's give people a second shit, why are we tearing a man down who already went through the fucking system? He did it. There's nothing you can't say to that man that he didn't already do

in service time. He paid his time. He stands by people. What he did that. He just called me while we were, I was outside talking to him when you pulled up. How you doing? Happy new year. Checking in. Thanks for being so good to Jim Florentine. I'm like, yeah, of course. You know that shit. There's, there's very few people like him out there. Yeah. And the it's like, I feel like some people were that when they come here and they just get, they just get corrupted. It's a, it's a real weird city.

Never lived here. It's hard to like stay clear. You're at least on the side of town where it's not all Hollywood. Yeah. I can't stand it. Yeah. I stay out. It's so phony. They care about so little. You hear people going, Oh, who showed up at a Honda? You know, like why would that even be something you care about? Right. It's a nice car. That's a reliable, it's a reliable,

it's a reliable, dependable, safe car. It's a jack wife in the shop all the time. You fucking dork. I just saw my babysitter today. I'm excited to go home because I got new fucking slippers. I don't give a fuck about hanging out with anybody.

I just want to do my own shit. Who's going to be there? Who was that guy? You talk to someone at a party. I forget it. I just got back here for like a year. Doing this and they're just looking around. And you're talking to someone, having a good time.

And you're like, who was that guy? What does he do? Instead of like, hey, who's this friend? We should hang out again. How can he serve me? That's one reason I'm glad I stopped my podcast. I started to feel the pull of valuing someone on the amount of followers I had.

And I'm like, this is deadly. And I don't want to do that. Yeah, it is. It's a fine line. What I enjoy is that I'm at a point now where I can bring people on and give them a shot who you haven't heard of before. Because they're listeners, no, it's going to be a fun episode. What a story.

God forbid. Yeah, the numbers are going to be... You want to hear a boring story with Obama or a great story with that homeless guy? That's right. I'm with you on that. I think regular people and just, well, we're regular people. We're not those people. Fuck them. Yeah. Fuck them. I mean, everyone's on their own path, but talk to me about, um, we were on vacations and traveling. So where's, where's some of the most dangerous places you've traveled? Like,

have you ever been somewhere where you're like, I might get killed here? Or have you strategically avoided those areas? No, I mean I'll try to like walk on the line. So Rogan and I went to like, this is not a story, but this just like sums it up. We went to Rio on a UFC ticket. And they were like, hey, don't, like there's kidnappings, don't go anywhere near the favela.

So Rio's all like flat, the beach is like, let's lay down there. And the favela is like the mountains that start right there and I would just like walk right next to him I'm like I gotta see just what I'm thinking they're gonna grab me and pull me but it's like I want to get close but like that kind of shit I want to test the line so it was in I was in like East Timor and they're like careful my brother my half-brothers and the captain the army and he goes you can go to Dilley, the Capitol, but like really no further, no further East than that.

And then why is it? Cause you're white or no, no, there's bandits. And what do they just think you're, you have money and they're going to fucking, or you just steal from anybody. Yeah. There was roving bandits, you know, there's not much tourism there. So it's not like they're waiting for tourists. There are none. So if you're there, you're lost. Yeah, absolutely. So great.

We're already going to steal from a local. Let's steal from this guy. He might have bills. Yeah. I showed somebody a 50 once in Indonesia on the bus to East Timor. They were just talking about money and he was like, do you have any American money? It was like, I had a 50 just in case, you know, in inside a book. And he was like, looking like, wow, just like, do you have any American money? It was like, I had a 50 just in case, you know, in inside a book. And he was like, look at like, wow,

just like, what the fuck? He was like, do you know what I could do with this? I'm like, I know, but in my country, it's not really that much. But anyway, I'm gonna motorcycle or moped and I'm like, okay, I'm going all the way to the East. So this is like East Timor, Billy's here. There's an island right here, a little like, um, all woods and stuff Island.

You could get fishermen a few bucks to like take you over there and say, pick me up in like four hours. Yeah. And I mean, when you're there, you are at the end of the world. What's on that Island, Jocko Island, nothing. It's a natural reserve. There's no, they're really only one they have no buildings, no nothing. And you hike through, I hiked through the jungle,

got to the other side of the Island. What kind of wildlife is there? There's probably some monkeys and crocodiles are everywhere. Oh yeah. Yeah. And saw a bunch of like crocodiles or alligators. One of those two, like how long it take you to hike across about an hour and a half. And then when I got through, I was just, well, you by yourself by yourself. Yeah. You got on a boat with some dude and said, take me over here and get me in four hours and just trusted that dude to come back. Yeah. But also it was like crocodile,

festive water. You ain't get back if no one brings you. Exactly. Do you have food over there? Were you fishing? No. How long did you stay on the Island? Well, longer. Cause I think I said, pick me up in, in, I think I said, pick me up in four hours, but here at four o'clock six hours and I can see the man and I'm like, now, come on, I'm done, come. And they're just like, four o'clock almost. But yeah, you get to the end and you're just like,

this is the end of the world. This is the end of the planet. You can't see anything over there. You feel like you accomplished it. Cause you had to like moped all the way through these small towns, learn the words to say like, place to sleep. You know, someone will get you something. And then like, there's no hotels.

There was no tourism set up. It was wild. And then I just took a dump in the water. I was like, I got naked. And then I was like, I'm going to shit. Did you go into the water? Yeah. But I'll have to worry about those Crocs. I shat in the water one time in the water. Like we had a submerged. Yeah. Oh no. It's like, you know how they say a natural birth underwater just comes out?

That's how it shit. It's so, it's clean. It just foops right on out. So we got this houseboat one year at the last minute. A bunch of us decided to go to Lake Mead. I think it was Arizona and wherever hell it was. And we got a trailer on the water, like because everyone else had slides off the bat. You know, they plan this shit out of your head. These people do this. We were just like, oh, we got a fucking trailer on the water and the bathroom. There were 10 of us.

And the rule was you could pee in the toilet, but there's no shit in that toilet. Like we can't have that for a whole weekend. And we would dive into the water and swim, you know, away from the boat and just shit. And it was, you just swim and you just like poot, poot like a fish. It was so fucking one. I wish I could shit underwater. So when you said that, I was like, isn't it great? But you just squat. You were just squatting out there and dropping. Yeah. But anyway, on the moped right out there,

so I turned off a bit of a main road. All the roads are destroyed. Because Indonesia, when they left, they were like, we're fucking up your infrastructure. And they jackhammered all the roads. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. There was a bitter civil war to get free.

I think 20% of their population got killed. There was a big massacre in a cemetery. They were all there. It was bad, but nobody cares because there's no oil. There is oil now. But anyway, so I'm going past one of these dirt roads and like, I think it's up this way to go all the way down to like Mount these, these fucking rough necks are there. There's just two rough necks on motorcycles. And one had this fucking coverall and another, and they're just looking at me, one fucking ratty looking guy. He almost like a switchblade guy from, um, there was, what is that?

Um, Roger rabbit. He felt like that guy, you know, the fucking skeevy dude, and then just a tough dude. And then they're like, yeah, it's this way. Like, you know, mime and shut it out. And then I'm like, MBC? And they're like, uh-huh. And I'm like, okay. And I just, right then I should have been like, no,

I'll just go back on the main way. But I go and then they passed me and they looked at me as they passed. And then I'm like, fuck. And then, and then it's, so they're gone. And then I'm taking my moped, I'm still going. There are motorcycles. Everywhere I went, people were like,

hey, you can't take this moped here. This is not, these are not roads for a moped. I'm like, that's all I got. But then they'd just be sitting there smoking under a tree and I'd pass by and they'd just be looking at me as I passed. Wait, they would fucking go ahead of you? Nah.

Like a cartoon? So they'd be gone, you'd ride and like, there they are again. Further and further into nothing. And then they'd come in So they'd be gone, you'd ride and like, there they are again. Further and further into nothing. And then they'd come in, they'd pass me, they'd look at me further and further into nothing. And then they'd be sitting there smoking again, you know, 45 minutes later, I'd pass them,

they're just looking at me. And then there was this big fucking muddy patch because it had all washed out. And everyone kind of helped each other. There was like, there was some of those, like trucks get caught and everywhere, the local kids would whatever. They all yell like white at me.

Yeah. Was it Bulaay? Bulaay, Bulaay? Yeah, I think it was that. Farang, no, Farang is whatever. It was just like, it was almost derogatory. Indonesia was derogatory. Lahai, I forget the name of it.

Let's say, Bulaibula. Bulaibulaibula. And you give them high fives. The kids are like, why did I touch one? I touched one. Yeah, it was crazy. You gotta be like, you have kids whole lives. Remember that time that white guy came on the boat?

What the fuck are we doing here? You would shut down markets if you go in there. They're just like, what the the fuck dude, there's a fucking giant ghost So we got this mud patch and it's covering the whole road Usually it's like cars get stuck but mopeds and motorcycles and go around a little edge on the side and this one was just covered The whole thing there's nowhere to go and this shit is deep and there's nowhere to go and I catch up to them They're sitting looking at like how we're gonna do? And the big rough neck was like, I'll go first.

The other guy never really said a word. He just kept smiling every time. And so he like picks out a route and his wheels are gone this far and he just guns it. I had this habit of like gunning it, but also hitting the brake at the same time, panicking and doing both. So I did that. So I'm starting to spin out. I don't hit the line at night, but the little fucking Weasley guy goes, he gets the line. I don't get the line. I start, I put my foot down to get it. My shoe starts to come off in the mud.

I had to reach down and grab it. And then I get through muds, fucking everywhere up to my fucking knees. And then the fucking Weasley, got first time goes crazy. Yeah. Yeah. And then they start, he's like knows some English. He just wasn't talking. He's like, where are you going?

I'm going to Mount Beesley. Cause we're going to Mount Beesley. This mountain. It's going to try to, I don't know, fucking hike up there. The motorcycle guy speaks English the whole time. Yeah, the Weasley one. And he's going where you're going.

Yeah. And I was like, well, is there a place to sleep there? Like place to sleep. I'm like, fatem des a place to sleep there? Like, place to sleep. I'm like, Fatim Dskansar, that's how you say it in Tetum. Fatim Dskansar, I said, okay, Fatim Dskansar. And I was like, up there? Because I heard there was just like the city below. And he goes, no, no, Fatim Dskansar.

And I was like, okay. And then it's getting to be sunset. I don't want to drive during the sunset. Like, once the sun goes down, it's no way. But I'm like, either go to the city or I go up there. And he's like, go. And then I'm like, it's out of my comfort zone. So I go up with them.

Their entire family's there. It's a big Christian family. The fucking guy takes his coveralls, giant cross. They're like, come join us. It's fucking Abraham's law to invite strangers in. And they have a few people that fucking- It's hilarious that they see you as white and they think Christian.

Yeah. They have no idea how Jewish you are. They don't even know what one is. They don't even know what one is. They're showing you like, oh, oh, oh. That's a wild thing. Yeah. White is Christian.

There was like 15 of them, family reunion. They're like, sweet, we got a visitor. He showed up on a family reunion. I didn't have clothes for up there. All I had was a poncho, because it was bitter hot, then freezing cold up there. Like we got a spot for you. They shared their food with me.

One guy was like, yeah, they were like, this is great. Some smokes. You can't turn, I wasn't smoking at the time, but you can't turn out of smoke if somebody gives it to you. Especially in that situation. They're this great natural growing Coffee the last natural wild growing coffee in the world in the Dutch That's what they settled it when they left. That's what Indonesia moved in but

If they're like coffee like no, it's like teamwork coffee. Then have to be like, yes, and it's fucking 10 a.m. by 10 p.m. I'm still a little bit wired. No shit. Yeah, it's great. It's great. East Timor coffee is great. It's liquid cocaine. It was so good. What's their home like? And they make some of that. It's not a home. Like describe, okay. It's not a home.

I went to their home later, because they're like, you gotta come back to Dillie when you go back there. But it was just this hut that's like available for use for people hiking. There was another group there and they're the foxes why come eat with us. Oh really? Yeah they made like ramen. So like their version of a hostel sort of? Yeah it was just like an open hut and like if you're up there you can you can

use it. Dirt floor? Yeah but wood floor but open enough like breezes getting in. A place to make a fire to kind of warm it up. You have a bed? No. No. You have a slat of wood. Okay. It was not a comfortable sleep. I don't sleep at all.

It was freezing cold. I'm trying to put my poncho over me for some warmth. And then at five a.m., they're like, let's go. Cause we got it all the way up. So if this is the mountain, and we're up to like, we got to like there, we're gonna watch the sunrise. So at five a.m., like, let's go.

And you're going all the way up now? All the way up there. Ramen just fucking raw, no hot water, the whole way up. They were sharing, they were so friendly and nice. Some guys like, you know, I'll go good here. If we had some fucking, if we had some, he's not cursing, but if we had some Jack Daniels, like that would be nice.

And he's like, bam! Hi! Hello, baby! So we're drinking whiskey, we're up there. And then we went up to the top of Malbesi and watch the sunrise. You can see all the way to Australia. Can we? Why?

That is crazy. It was wild. So any sort of danger I've ever been in is been mostly imagined. You've never been even in the U S and landed in a fucking situation where like, Oh shit. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Chicago shit like that. Yeah. I don't want to you're like, oh shit, stranger cars. Yeah, Chicago, shit like that. Yeah, I don't want to be around that.

But Henry Rollins said this the best once. He goes, I've traveled a lot in my life. He's a great traveler. And he goes, I've been almost killed three times. And none of those were outside of America. That's interesting. Yeah. So it's just like assumed that, you know,

Rogan was asking me about East Timor and he was like, how bad is it that it was that there were 560 murders last year? And he goes, damn, that's so many. I was like, oh no, actually I'm thinking about Chicago. That's, yeah. And he was like, oh, but you'll still go to Chicago. You'll be like, I'll never go there

because of that murder stat, but you'll go to Chicago. I saw rooster fights there. You did the chicken fights. Uh, damn, that place was, that might've been my most magical place because it was so uncharted and I just finished all through Southeast Asia. So then I was looking for like, I was comfortable enough on my own and I was looking for an adventure. Yeah.

And they said that, uh, food to mono the bound foot and they're like, fine, it's behind, near the mall. And I'm just like circling around on my moped, like where the fuck is this? And I saw one old man with just walking up the road with a rooster. I'm like, it's gotta be him. And I like went up ahead of him, across the street, waited for him to pass, he kept walking.

So I took my moped and went up, waited for him to come. You're doing it, you're doing their move now. Doing exactly what they did, absolutely. And then eventually cuts into an alley. I'm like, it's gotta be that. And there's fucking 30, 40 roosters, they're all fighting them, people are dressed up, they have like upside down crosses on their foreheads,

everyone's gambling. Are they freaking out that you're there? Oh yeah, oh yeah, people are trying to teach me the rules. They serve food, chicken was on the menu, which seemed wrong. Yeah. That should be the corn. I get corn, but that dude walks his chicken to there. Huh? Yeah. He lost. He lost. Yeah. That chicken lost. Yeah. So the winner, the owner of the winner gets to eat the loser. Oh, is that right?

Sometimes though they got cut up cause they put razor blades on them. Oh shit, really? Yes, so normally roosters go at each other, they took one razor blade on, and so when they go like this, they slice their fucking necks or their faces or whatever. Oh shit.

So it's bloody sometimes. And sometimes they don't even know, they're just like, I'm gonna rooster fight, and then all of a sudden one rooster's like, what the fuck, I'm losing a lot of blood. This is, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just,

I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna tell them, it's over. Sometimes they'll want to be like, I'm not fighting anymore, I'm done. And then they call it. But they'll sew him up right there. No. If they still can live, they'll sew him up. They'll let him fight another day.

Cause sometimes they both get fucked up. Yeah, imagine, right? Yeah, they get them all riled at each other. They keep shoving, they're like, let me out that motherfucker, like your dog, you know? Imagine that dog in the moped. He's like, let's get him riled up. And he's like, they kept pushing each other's faces.

It's like, I'll fucking kill you. My dog barks at anything with wheels. And today, literally, a guy in a motorcycle with a sidecar with a dog in the sidecar, my dog was not having it. Princess was not about that. I was like, fuck that, fuck that, fuck that, fuck that. When the little ratty nothing,

it's like, I'll fucking kill you, I'll fucking kill you. Yeah, you keep driving. I'll fucking kill you, I'm not fucking with you motherfucker. When the little ratty nothing, it's like I'll fucking kill you, I'll fucking kill you. Yeah, you keep driving. I'll fucking kill you, I'll bring that shit around here. Dude, East Timor was the fucking greatest. I haven't thought about that place in a while. It was just the greatest. I've never even heard of it,

but there's a rhyme in one of my daughter's books we read and it's something something from East Timor. Wow. Yeah. Timor Leste, East Timor. It's a split island like Haiti. Who owns it? They do. They became free in 2007, I think.

That's like yesterday for a country to be free. Maybe 2002. But yeah, I mean, it's the people. The guy that was the president then was part of the revolution. I tried to get on my podcast, my old podcast. They were like, fill out these forms. And they and like, no, I'm like, damn, I want to know what it's like to be in a revolution. You have to fall out of forums to talk to him.

Cause he's like the president. I'm like, it'll be big. Get some tourism here. It's just nothing set up. There's one hostel in Dilley. That was it. Um, and I remember going all the way to like Jocko Island and then coming back and I popped a pimple and it like a piece Of blood went on my pillow and I was like whatever And then I got back and like all that same box you could pay two bucks extra for one a room with air conditioning I'm like, I'll do that And that fucking blood was still there You guys didn't even clean this he's just changed the fucking it just made the bed

But you've never woken up robbed, missing any of your shit, never a knife to your throat, a gun pulled on you, anywhere you've been. Outside of the US. When me and Rogan were in Rio, he was worried about it. I do hear Rio's a dangerous city. That's one of the ones worldwide. And we had a driver slash bodyguard.

Bulletproof windows, you know, cause also he was back then, he was still a target. UFC's in town, he's somewhat of a name, especially where he's Joe Hogan in Brazil. He could be a kidnapping target back then. So he was taking precautions. And he goes, people just rob everybody. The guy's like, oh, they wouldn't rob the two of you.

They're not looking for a fight. They want an old lady. They can just grab that person and run. They're not looking for a fight. They want an old lady. They can just grab that person and run. They're not looking to, you know, it's like lighting your house up with lights. They're like, let's just go to the next house. So it's just like, if you're drunk, pass out on the street, maybe.

But when I went to China, you ever do that China run with Curtain? Is it all expats who you're performing for? Expats in China proper. In Hong Kong, you get some locals. But once they told me like, oh, Shanghai's the safest. No, you can fall asleep with your wallet in your hand, asleep drunk, and you will wake up

with your wallet in your hand. Women can do that. Like there's no violent crime. The punishment's too much. And the embarrassment's too much. So once they told me that, it was like setting me free. That was my first real trip to China. My agent found out, he was like,

you want to go places, right? He told me you want to go places. I'm like, yeah. He goes, I got 17 days in China for you. And then it set me free. It opened me up. Once I realized it wasn't unsafe, it's just you're like xenophobia.

Right. Telling you like these people are going to do something to you. Yeah, it's foreign. Everything's different. You don't, yeah. I mean, some of the road safety is like more of an issue than like criminals. telling you like these people are going to do something to you. Yeah, it's foreign. Everything's different. You don't. Yeah. I mean some of the road safety is like more of an issue than, than like criminals,

but yeah, no, nothing's ever happened. You get food poisoning. Yeah. You know, what's the worst food poison where that was in a Myanmar. Would you, what'd you eat? I was in Sean state. I couldn't narrow it down. So they had these like BDs, cigarettes. I saw locals smoking and I was like, I wanna get one. So we went to a market and I was like, let me have like three of those. We sell these by the 200. And I was like, how much is that?

And like 40 cents. And I was like, I just want to, like you're gonna cut 40 cents into three 200s. So now I'm smoking a ton of them. So that's possible. Those got me nauseous. I probably two dozen quail eggs. Those were good. I'll fry it up in these little pans. Could have been that could have been another meal. Two dozen eggs is probably quail eggs though. They're like that big. It's still, you're doing eggs. It's eggs.

And no one's really washing them, but they're just dipping in some suing water. Like, let's go and find another one. Probably just came out of the quail outback. Yeah. Yeah. We had a meal once and it was like, that was good. But you realize you spent like $3. You're like, oh, give me another whole meal.

So maybe that, and then I just started getting the, I can feel it coming out. It's like a feeling. And then it was like just throwing up and shitting, throwing up and shitting. Oh, both. And you gotta do it into a fucking shit squat squat. That's what a feeling. And then it was like just throwing up and shitting throwing up and shitting. And you got to do it into a fucking shit squats. I want to ask you. Yeah. It's just a hole in the floor with two little footprints next to it where you're supposed to stand to piss or or or shit. Why? And then you got to put your knees on that and just like go for it.

God, that would make me throw up. Just doing that. Thinking about that. Being that close to all that. Oh, bro When you're that sick, we're like, I can't care anymore. It doesn't matter I'm so sick and then like what is it barf is a shit like it's gonna be both It's both there's back and forth back and forth and you just got to take the zithromycin You've got to get it down. But if I if I have a little water Yeah, right up. Yeah So you got to like have it slow down a little bit and then maybe you can get like

Just as soon as you barf once try to get it down. So it gotta like have it slow down a little bit. And then maybe you can get like, as soon as you barf once, try to get it down. So it'll like process. God damn that fucking suck. And my friend, my travel partner was just there. He was like doing impression of me sleeping at night and going, huh huh huh huh huh huh huh. It's like shivering. Free.

The next day the shit kicked in. I was a little better. And I was like, maybe I don't have to take the second. He's like one a day for three days. And then it's like, it started to come back. I'm like, no, no, no, I was a little better and I was like, maybe I don't have to take the second, just like one a day for three days. And then it's like, it started to come back. I'm like, no, no, no, I'm taking it. Where's the nicest toilets? I heard Japan.

Um, for you and your, and your travels. Every once in a while. Well, I like the fucking bum guns. They, you know, the thing in the sink that you can pull up with, and it's got a hose on it and you could like hit the back and it like shoots for sinks. A lot of times they have in the old days. They had that for shitters. What do you mean?

You can just, yeah, she pulled up. Yeah. And it's like a bidet that it's handheld. Yeah. I've been to Burt's and Segura's house where they have the one that moves, you know, the one that's made by fucking slaves or whatever. Those guys live large for slave asses. Yeah.

No, no, by slay large for slave asses. Yeah. No, no. By slayers for the rich whites. Yeah. But, but nothing's as good as that bomb gun. You control the speed of it up and down and where it's going to go and you just clean. Yeah. Where is that on our toilets? I need it. How does everyone not shit with water at some point at this point? Caparolo explained it to me once. We're just taking toilet paper and just- Rubbing it.

Yeah, you think about it, if you had shit on your arm, you wouldn't just do this. The water. Yeah. Caparolo explained it once, he goes, take a little bit of Coca-Cola, just pour it on the table like that. Okay, wait 10 seconds.

Now wipe it up without napkin. He goes, no, touch it, sticky still. Yeah. Use water. Yeah. Just use water. Yeah. Get some water and wipe it off with that.

Yeah. Yeah. It was great. Those were good in Thailand, but you can't flush toilet paper, but you don't have to cause you just bomb gun it all. I should have Griffith Park once with Ryan O'Neill. I was out there, had diarrhea. In the park?

Yeah. I had a good shit one time. I, um, we were, I was 16. I played soccer for the U S and we get to go to York for a month and we, Edinburgh had a fest, or, uh, the French, I want to say the festival. No, they had a tournament. Okay.

So we're there playing in a soccer tournament and the mayor invites our team to like their home to have a dinner. And I just had to go and I was like, I'm dropping this deuce at the mayor's house right now. So, what? Yeah. So I just took a shit at the mayor's house. The mayor of Edinburgh?

Yeah. What? They were throwing a dinner in the middle of the dinner. I had to shit. And I was like, I'm going to go shit at your house. Dude, when you got to find a bathroom, and you just need one, and you're like, where can I go that's usable? And the longer you wait, the lower your line of usable

goes down. Dude, first time I ever had to panic shit outside, it was pouring down rain. Of course, I'm in high school. I pull my car over into like a soccer field and I just go into these bushes. And I do think like poison ivy, I think we had that everywhere. But I pull my pants down. It's pouring. I squat down. I've never done this before.

And I don't think the tuck my fucking dick and I know piss all in my pants and I'm like, what the fuck bro? You shit out of your pants and pissed on your pants and I got to pull my pants up and drive home like that. You really got to throw out those piss your pants on your underpants, your pants, all everywhere. You can't get rid of your pants. You can chuck your underpants. I've done that before. I used them to wipe through them at that point. And yeah, I lost a pair of underpants on a've done that before. That's what I did. I used them to wipe and threw them at that point.

I lost a pair of underpants on a plane once. I sharted a little bit. What? On a plane? You dumped them where? In the trash can of the bathroom. And then I had to lay a bunch of tissue paper on top of it. And nap at the top. Because I didn't want the next guy going, this is him. Passing me. I remember the guy who passed me. Who came out next. So you really got to bury the evidence.

Damn. Shitting sucks. Why do we still do that? We moved on past that. And I went, um, this is like a couple of years ago. I had to go, I went to the, uh, gas station. I was like, Oh man, I go into gas station it's locked, but there's a like a lube oil change right out back. So I go over there and I'm trying to get over there in time. Like, oh no, sharp all in my pants. So now I go in, I'm like, god damn it. So I clean up and everything and I just take the underwear and I just throw them in and I look in, I'm like, oh, they just cleaned this place.

And I'm trying to get paper towels to cover it. I just, like you, I just threw like five or six paper towels on top. I leave cleaning ladies coming right back and I was like, nah, she just, she knows. She knows, she just cleaned it. She 100% knows. Well one guy's been in here.

Yeah. There was no shit in pants before. I just left to go grab something else and come back and now there's shitty underwear in the trash can. I think these fucking assholes. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. I just got pimples. I told my daughter, I was like, still I'm 50. I thought pimples would stop my twenties. What'd you get one on your face? Damn. They're so rewarding. You pop one and you get a little white. You ever hit the mirror?

Yeah. I love the mirrors. They snap. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking love it. You can tell. You can tell if it hurts enough. Yeah. If you don't get it, you're like, you don't get it.

Like, ah, you've got to get it. You've got to release it because you're like, you know, you're getting close. You're in danger zone. You're like, if I get it, it'll be no pain. And then you give up and it just sucks. Dude, thank you for doing this. I always enjoy sitting down with you. Buddy, I love you.

It's great to see you. I learned so much with you. Yeah. Where do you want to go? Japan is a place I really would love to go. Italy, just because I want to go to Italy and see roots and things like that. But Japan for sure. I'd love to go to Australia, but I don't know if, like the doctors have told me with this blood disease,

like being on a plane that long could be a problem. Yeah. Oh yeah, how they gonna land over the ocean. They don't, you just die on that motherfucker. And from here, what, I don't know how long Japan is from here, across the Pacific. Yeah, but it's six hours. Is that it?

Yeah, cause it's the furthest, like yeah. That's easy. I think it's as far as Hawaii, but I'm not sure. If that is true, then I can definitely go to Japan. But Australia's like 13. Yeah, that's a full on half a day. I think I'm going in May. Are you?

I'm going for State of Origin. I'd love to go to London and do shows too. You should. Yeah, I've never done that. You got a market there for sure. Yeah, I have a lot of new K fans. And it's so cool. Yeah, but I got a new podcast, Do You Be Trippin'?

I love that. Episodes drop, I don't know, whenever. got a new podcast. You be tripping. I love that. Um, episodes drop. I don't know. Whenever I have no idea. Yeah. Uh, get your fucking wonder lost up. And that's it. Ari Schaffer.com. Ari Schaffer and everything.

I love you buddy. Thank you for real. Yeah, but yeah. Uh, as always Ryan sickle or on all your social media, Ryan sickler.com. Yeah. And guys, don't forget old Bay on French fries goes better than you think it does all Bay and vinegar Oh Bay and vinegar throw that shit on your eggs and everything Old Bay where the fuck you at with the sponsorship and working on that for years, bro. Let's step it up. All right Come on. Look right here. We're doing our best. There's no one else. You should sponsor Oh, hey bias and you got old bay. Come on, bro. As Maryland as it gets on, let's go.

What do you not want to get into the major markets? You don't want to break into the LA. You want to be the bottom shelf, like fucking Zap Tars, Zatter. Or you want to go up a little, you want to be up there? The fucking Tabasco dude. Come on man. Where are you at? Best hot sauce out there right now. Old bay has a hot sauce. No, look, I'm a Homer obviously, but I'm telling you, it's a good hot sauce with a perfect. With that flavor?

Yup, it's a perfect, I'm telling you. I got two bottles at home right now. It's my favorite, new favorite hot sauce. All right, that's it, Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week.