The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Ian Fidance - IanDew

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

My HoneyDew this week is comedian Ian Fidance! (Wild, Happy and Free, Bein' Ian with Jordan) Ian Highlights the Lowlights of his sexual past. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] CATCH ME ON TOUR https://www.ryansickler.com/tour Columbus, OH | April 12th & 13th Toledo, OH | April 26th & 27th Los Angeles, CA | May 12th Miami, FL | June 7th & 8th Get Your HoneyDew Gear Today! https://shop.ryansickler.com/ Ringtones Are Available Now! https://www.apple.com/itunes/ http://ryansickler.com/ https://thehoneydewpodcast.com/ SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 SPONSORS: Liquid I.V. -Get 20% off ANYTHING you order when you go to https://www.LiquidIV.com and use code HONEYDEW BetterHelp -The HoneyDew is sponsored by BetterHelp, get 10% off your first month at https://www.Betterhelp.com/HONEYDEW FÜM -Start the Good Habit at https://tryfum.com/HONEYDEW to save 10% off the Journey Pack today

Columbus, Ohio. I'm headed your way Friday April 12th and Saturday April 13th Toledo, Ohio the live and alive tour is headed your way. I'll be there Friday April 26th and Saturday April 27th Los Angeles Sunday May 12th. I'll be at the bourbon room for my show During the Netflix is a joke fest Miami, Florida. I'm bringing the live and alive tour your way. I'll be at the Miami Improv Friday, June 7th and Saturday, June 8th. Get your tickets now.

All tickets are available at RyanSickler.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to the honeydew y'all. We're over here doing it in the night pan studios. I am Ryan Sickler, RyanSickler.com and Ryan Sickler on all your social media. And I'm starting this episode like I start them all by saying thank you, whether you're new here or whether you've been here, thank you very much for all your support. I love my job.

I love being able to do this with you guys. And look, if you gotta have more than you gotta check out the Patreon, it's called the Honeydew with y'all. And it's this show with y'all. And y'all have the craziest stories I've ever heard in my life. If you don't believe me, check out the actual free honeydew episodes we do on this channel where we highlight some of those best episodes and tell me I'm wrong. It's five bucks a month.

It's been five bucks a month since we started and that's what it is. It's staying right there. All right. And The Way Back. Thank you for your support of the new podcast, The Way Back. It's staying right there. All right. And The Way Back. Thank you for your support of the new podcast, The Way Back. It's such a fun show for me. I feel like it goes back a little bit to my roots in podcasting and I don't know, just sitting around with like cousins and friends and stuff, shooting it up and having a good time. So check that out and come see me on tour. If I'm in your town, when you are around, all tickets are available at RyanSickler.com.

All right, that's the biz, you know, we do over here. We highlight the low lights and I always say, these are the stories behind the storytellers. And I'm very excited to have this guest back on the Honeydew, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back Ian Finans. Welcome back to the Honeydew. Yeah, thank you for having me, man.

And thank you to everyone out there that dug me the last time I did the honey dude man. I'm telling you, I was in San Diego this weekend, multiple people, I loved you on the honey dude. It was really, really cool. And I'm so glad that that could resonate with people and they dug it and they got something out of it. And thank you for having this thing that we can get out. Thank you. I love hearing that. Thank you for sharing.

I say it all the time. It's like, if your kids go spend the night at somebody's house and they come back, kids are great kids, man. I mean, the well man, I love hearing that my fans are great. Yeah. They roll hard too. I like that they come up to tell you that. So yeah, really good response. I'm also excited because last time I saw you, I'm fresh out of the hospital. I'm on a cane. You come up with a cane. We're on canes today. I'm out there standing on my own too.

You pull up parallel park. Sure. Uh huh. I want your own too. I'll use the camera hand behind the passenger. Let's let's fucking go whipping it in. That's right. Well, I'm so glad you're here.

Before we get into whatever we're gonna talk about, please plug everything you'd like. Awesome. Ian Fyodance, wild, happy, and free. My stand-up special, debut special. You can get it at youtube.com slash B and E and pod. It's on my podcast, YouTube. and you're going to love it. I'm telling you, I'm so proud of this.

I'm so happy. And it's a really cool thing and people are digging it. Good for you, dude. Thanks, man. Good for you. And ianimal69 on Instagram, ianfydance.com for all my tour dates. And of course my podcast,

Be an Ian with Jordan out every Wednesday on YouTube. All right. Yeah, man. All right. So we were talking earlier outside, last time we talked about death, we talked about addiction. Death, destruction and rising from the ashes. Yeah. And you growing up, you coming up in the punk era.

Did we talk about that? Did we? I don't know. Oh, well, maybe that was outside. Either way, you're definitely one of the guys that's put himself out there in a way that I admire. I'm just like, look at Ian. I said to you, I just saw somebody

spit in your butthole on your podcast. I saw Stevie Weeby do that. And I was like, this guy is he's who he is. So I asked you also, cause I know that you, um, I said, are you polyamorous? And you're like, no, and I, I'm not, I don't even know what the hell all of it is. So I want to talk about your sexuality and what it's like being a man in today's society who enjoys a bit of everything. Yes.

And how that also is probably not as easy as I just made that sound. No. It's been quite a journey for better or worse. And I always love when people go, hey, I love how you put yourself out there, man I know a man see it a guy like you makes me feel better about me I'm like, thanks. What? Wait a minute, you know, hey man. I appreciate what an absolute fucking freak Sexual Swiss Army knife actual Swiss army knife. You know? You are a sexual Swiss army knife.

What can I say? I'm like, I love it all, you know? Let's go back to the beginning. Let's go to the beginning. When do you know? That I like men and women? Oh, no, no. I got hit in the head when I was watching

an episode of American Gladiators. American Gladiators. And I've never been the same since. Dude, legit, I'm not lying. I used to go to the video store and the women's workout section was next to the WWF videos. And I would just look at both. Which one do I choose?

So as a kid growing up, like your first, not even necessarily your first sexual experience at all, but when you first realized you like girls or boys or both, was it the same time you're like, no, I like both these, or were girls first, boys later, opposite? I don't even know. I just,

I just know my parents, well, my dad's dead. So my mom tells a story that I got kicked off the swim team as a kid because I was getting erections. And how old? Like four. And they took me to a doctor to be like, is there something wrong with them? And they were like, no, he just,

he was like a horny child, I guess, I don't know. And it's like, dude, I told that to someone that like that's so deeply traumatizing. And it's like, dude, I told that to someone, they're like, that's so deeply traumatizing. And I'm like, is it? They're like, what? Is it? The dick gets hard in the water. Yeah, what do you want?

In the water, outside the water, when you're walking around. You know, I used to walk up to women on the beach and just like stare at them. I think I just like, I don't know. That kid, you were that kid? Yeah, I mean, I was always like curious, you know? Like I would always, you know, and like, I remember't know. That kid, you were that kid? Yeah, I mean, I was always curious, you know? Like, I would always, you know,

and like, I remember I would like, like, I didn't have the vocabulary to say that I liked someone, but I know I had a crush on my babysitter. So I remember like telling my grandparents, we were watching Wheel of Fortune, and I was like, I really want Vanna White to be my babysitter.

That was like my way of saying that. But it was never like, I really want, you know, like, Daryl Strawberry to be my babysitter. That was like my way of saying that. But it was never like, I really want, you know, like, Daryl Strawberry to be my babysitter. It was like never that. It was never like, you know, the fall guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was always like, yeah, it was always a woman, you know. But then like, I don't know, I just like, so wait, what's your first sexual,

and include a kiss. What's your first sexual experience in life? Oh man, there was, include a kiss. There was a girl I liked in first grade, and this explains a lot because I said she looked like one of my favorite baseball players. There's Daryl Strong. Named Mickey Morandini, who was the second baseman for the

Phillies. So my parents would call her mini Morandini because she looks like Nick. And God bless my parents. They didn't judge that I was like, I like this girl. She reminds me of a man, you know, they were like, yeah, it's mini more indeed. But they did do a thing where when I would cry, they'd say I was acting like a girl and they'd call me Ian Etta. So maybe that played into a little couple things, you know? And also at Halloween, my dad would dress as a woman and my mom would dress as a man. Is that right?

Yeah. But it was fun. Once a year. Yeah. We celebrated Halloween a lot. But yeah, I don't know. It was like never judgments in my house. You know what I mean? And I just remember I liked this girl and she came over and she, dude, I still have like memories of this sitting at a little Fisher Price plastic like picnic table and she leaned over and kissed me and I go,

oh, wow, I really like that. If you want to do that again, you don't even have to ask. And she did again. And I fell out of my chair. My mom had to leave the house because she was laughing so hard, you know? Oh, she saw it. So yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

She was like dying laughing, you know, but, um, so now you're being humiliated to the top of it. Yeah. But physical, physical. and that you're being humiliated to on top of it. Yeah. Physical? Physical? I mean, look, this happens a lot with boys and girls. They fool around together, you know, and a lot of people deny it or they try to make it go away. And then I think that's where like a lot

of toxic masculinity comes from. Sure. Where guys get mad at women and everything And then I think that's where like a lot of toxic masculinity comes from where guys get mad at women and everything. If they get rejected because they have these things they've done when they were younger and they think it defines them. And so they have to prove that they're not that. And if they don't get the proof that they're not that they get angry, you know. Um, and there was, uh, I don't know, it was like kids in grade school.

We would fool around and, uh, there was, I don't know, it was like kids in grade school, we would fool around. And there was, you know, like, I don't know, going underneath the bathroom stall and like fooling around. And then it was like a secret. And then this kid touched my dick in front of everyone. And I- What do you mean in front of everyone? Like on the playground. He like took our little, he took our little bathroom secret and took it outside. And so I followed him down. I beat him up and I was like, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I was like, you don't do that unless we're

in the privacy of our own bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why'd you make me do this? You know, but like, dude, I'm telling you, man. So I've been into like- Terrified, my daughter's in third grade. I've heard that I just wanna leave and go get her out. Yeah, yeah. Again, you're like, I'm like the fucking- Where are you getting away with this though, for real?

Where do you go into a bathroom with other students? I guess, yeah. It was like a sleepover. This kid. That makes more sense to me. A sleepover. In hindsight, a part of me is like, was I molested? Because there was this kid that was like, this is fucked up. He was like, I like it. When my brother bites my penis. Can you do that? I was like, like it's like broccoli like what if he all right? I just remember like we were going to a baseball card signing and just in the living room like Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm you know pre-gaming for Mickey Fucking red man fucking chewing tobacco

Like do I spit what What the hell's happening? And then and then I'm like, wait, what do you mean your brother? What? What the fuck? How did you figure out you liked, you know, big Tony chomping down on your wiener? And then and then I'm like, and he's like, my turn. And I was like, no, I don't want your turn. You know, oh, man. Yeah. Is that the first time you had done anything with a boy?

I mean, that memory sticks out a lot, Brian. I certainly hope there aren't any other memories I have buried deep down. It could have been a simple kiss with a boy before you started chopping on kids' dick. Well, I remember I would ask my parents, I would be like, can I kiss my friend? And they'd be like, well, you need to ask them.

And they'd be like, okay, yeah. And it was just like, mwah. Okay. Like I liked, I was always, I don't know, I think I just loved love. I was always like hugging on friends and family and like my pets. I don't know, I like, always love, you know,

like being around people and- Physical touch. Yeah. And, you know, I always loved just around people. Physical touch. Yeah, and I always love just doing whatever my friends' brothers would have them do to them. That's so weird. I like it when my brother, and it's like, dude, in hindsight it's like. It's such a layered sentence.

I like it when my brother. What the fuck are we doing? Why the fuck are you telling me this? We're watching it. See no man. You know what the hell's going on? What are the things you don't like that your brother does? And let's take a step back. Do you like it or do you have no choice?

This is. But dude, so many boys fool around with boys, so many girls fool around with girls and they don't talk about it, whatever, whatever. And I know this because when I was in fifth grade, I used to go to the public library and look at psychology textbooks to see if I was normal or not. I swear to God. What was making you think you weren't normal? Chomping down on a friend's cock. Ryan, what do you think? We're all doing that at sleepovers? I mean, I knew from an early age,

it wasn't the most normal hangout activity, Ryan. You know, I'm fucking nibbling on a wiener like a ballpark Frank, Ryan. Granted, but if you liked it and you liked boys. I didn't like it. Oh, you didn't like it. I don't think I liked it. It wasn't a thing I was actively seeking out. Okay, so now you liked it and you like boys, I didn't like it. Oh, you didn't like it. I don't think I liked it. It wasn't a thing I was actively seeking out.

Okay, so now you're going to look and see. Where's some other Lunchables I can snack on? Cause you're not telling anyone? No, it wasn't really a thing I was too vocal about. Yeah, not parents, not mom, not sharing it with anybody. No, but the fucked up thing was around this time my dad died, so, and everyone in my life is Catholic and they're telling me he's with you forever. He's with you now. He's with you forever. And I'm like, well, this is a fucking death sentence.

You know, Jesus Christ. So you know, my little liaisons, they'd want to fool around and be like, get away from me. Father's watching. And that really how you would get the guilt? They would always pull me back. Just when I think I'm out, they pull me right back in. So what happens then? You look up these books, you're looking to see if you're normal.

What do you find? Well, you can't tell anyone. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Well, you could. You could. What? Who are you going to tell?

Let me ask you this. You don't think any of the boys or girls that you guys were touching or whatever is telling anyone else in their worlds. You think everyone can know. Cause if they do, I already proved I'm going to beat you up. If you tell anyone, are you kidding me? You send a message. Yeah. Yeah.

That wasn't just to him. That was a, that was a message on the yard. You kidding me? Sacrificed. Oh yeah. I got yard hard that day. Let's go. to him, that was a message on the yard. You kidding me? Yeah. You sacrificed that kid? Oh yeah, I got yard hard that day. Fucking let's go. Yard hard?

Yeah, shut up CMI. Yeah. Yeah, yeah no, you're not really telling anyone. All right. You're keeping it inside, and then you know, your mom's side of the family's wildly homophobic, so you like, you know, internalize that. Now, do you ever have a cousin or anyone like that

that you guys share anything with? Does there anyone you can find? Nobody. No, no. So you're holding this in? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, and on top of that, your dad's watching, so you think this guy's hating you. Yeah.

You know, when years later I realized, you know, he wasn't, you know, but it took me a while. Yeah. And it's funny, man, I've been like into trans women my whole life and I don't know where it came from. I don't know what happened. I'm gonna tell you where the fucking came from, bro, when you were looking at the fucking VHS.

VHS, I know, yeah. I know, and I'm like, what if I create the greatest combination of all time? How do I put Hulk Hogan on Suzanne Somerspot? Let's see. That's exactly where that came from, I believe. Dude, I swear to God, I like, this kid that he and I would like fool around in in class one day,

I like drew a picture of a woman with boobs and a penis and I folded it up and I slid it on his desk and I was like, what do you think of this? I just invented. You think of that? What do you think? It's like this is a bit much for me, you know? Yeah. Yeah. All right. And you, you, I mean, look, that's obviously a thing. You're fucking bang, bang, bang on these fucking VHS videos, but all right, let's go to next.

Who do you, who do you lose your virginity to? Girlfriend, friend? Girl. Which virginity? PP or mouth? Great question. Why don't you start with PP first? We'll go PP first.

PP was a lot longer. Was it? Mouth, we got it in young. Yeah. You know, there was a guy I had a thing with for like 11 years. He was my age. 11 years?

It wasn't like that. I hear you, yeah, yeah. Me and coach. Oh God, coach, for God's sake. I never had the makings of a varsity athlete, but he sure put me in there. Coach. What, who's this kid?

I mean, without saying, you know. It was suburban Brokeback Mountain. We would get in fist fights in public, and then in private, we would be like, you know, we had secret screen names that we would sign onto at night just in case there was any way for anyone to find out. Like your friends rolled in and saw over your shoulder. Do you remember your screen name?

My screen name was So What 44. What was his? I forget, but no, I don't, but I don't wanna say. But it's So What, there was a Metallica song What was his? I forget, but no, I don't, but I don't want to say. But it's so what there was a Metallica song called so what by that it was a cover of the anti nowhere league and like four was my number, but I knew it was a metal. My first screen name was metal load because I loved metal and loaded just come out, but it just sounds like robot comp.

And so I made this screen name and so I thought it was like, yeah, this song come out, but it just sounds like robot comp. And so I made this screen name. And so I thought it was like, yeah, this song's so what, but everybody viewed it as like, so what? Which is very apropos for my behavior. Gay. And I, yeah, this kid and I had like a thing and we finally consummated the thing on like a school trip and I dude I'll never forget man we like fooled around and then we went on the bus to like go to

I guess like the next like what I think we're all going out to like a dinner or something and by the time he went to the back of the bus and I was sitting on the front. And by the time we got to our destination, all these kids started coming up to me and they were like, oh, so and so says you're gay, you're gay, you're a fag, this and that. And I'm like, well, I guess I'm spending

the rest of this trip fighting. And so I started like fighting kids and like, I got in trouble and they couldn't send me home. So I got like, you know, I had to be chaperoned by a teacher because I was like fighting these kids because they were all calling me gay. And like, dude, the feeling of like betrayal and fear of me and this kid, you know, having a mouth party

and then him going in, I don't know what he told them. I don't know if he was trying to get out ahead of it, you know, like a mouth party and then him going in. I don't know what he told them. I don't know if he was trying to get out ahead of it, you know, like, like a gay little Dexter. You know what I mean? Yeah, he's killing people, but he's like helping solve the crime, you know, this gay Dexter in the back of the bus. And he wanted to get out ahead all the rumors, I guess. And he threw me under the I don't know what he said. But man, oh, man. I like lost all my friends that trip

and I just hung out with these like three other like nerds and we had so much fun. It was great. We had a great time, whatever. But then, you know, at the end of the trip, we, you know, I guess you could say we made up and that carried on in secret for like 11 years and it would be like once or twice a year. And that carried on in secret for like 11 years.

And it would be like once or twice a year. But dude, we never like talked and put, we like outwardly were mean to each other in public and we never kissed. And it was like such a fucked up thing to like go through of like, you know, not, cause like kissing's gay. Like, dude, I'm not fucking gay. Now put your teen boy mouth on my teen boy penis,

like two straight friends. Like two straight friends? Yeah. You know? And yeah. We're not kissing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was like a mind fuck, dude.

Yeah. And. That math makes sense though, I get dude, we lived like down the street, but we went to separate schools. And so in order to have our rendezvous, we would have, we'd make up these lies that our printer broke and that we'd have to go to each other's house to use each other's printer.

And where are you printing at his place? Where do you go when you print? and that we'd have to go to each other's house to use each other's printer. And where are you printing at his place? Where do you go when you print? He had a computer room that magically his parents weren't home, but you know, I had used the printer and then my printer was in my bedroom. And I mean, it's at one point my mom was like, well, I keep getting the printer fixed. What is happening?

I'm just in my room with a hammer, like, mom, the printer's broken again. You know? What are you gonna know? I gotta get that old printer deck come on over. Printer deck. That shit was expensive too back then. To replace all those colored ones over on it.

Oh yeah, we were on a first name basis for CompUSA. Are you kidding me? Yeah. We had a fucking gold membership card in Circuit City. They're finally like, man, you might want to check your son's bedroom. Yeah, man. We think you're so gay. The coffee USA is calling you out.

Listen, man, we think you're so might be gay. Yeah. We keep saying, do you see what I see? Did you ever almost get caught? Or ever actually get caught? Teachers, parents, nobody. No. You're in school doing this.

You're going to people's houses doing this. You never have close calls. But then once we could drive, we would like drive to like desolate areas and just blow each other in the car and then not talk on the way back. You know what it's like to have another man's cum in your mouth and to not talk about it. And I'm talking, we're driving far away so no one sees us. I'm talking like a half hour drive back in dead silence not even looking at each other.

Like maybe if we're quiet, it makes it go away, you know? I mean, the only thing we had in common is we like putting each other's cocks and each other's skulls, that's it. We didn't play sports together, you know? Nothing, no commonality except a salacious lust for each other's delicious flesh. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're just making me wonder about how many kids in my neighborhood now, because we had a gang of kids in our neighborhood now. I do wonder my stepdad aggressive ones. I'm like, now I wonder, huh? Joe, dude, my my ex stepdad fucking worked at a prison. And he like, when I was like 15 or 16, he told some story about like this kid, this kid came in and, you know, he was,

he like shoved a hammer up his ass or whatever. And we had to get it out. And then it turns out, you know, he was, he set his house on fire because he was, he was upset because him and his friend were blowing each other when they were 14 and they got caught. He's like, can you believe that these kids are blowing each other at 14? And I'm like, what do you know that I don't? Is this a secret signal you're sending me right now, Jim?

What the fuck are you talking about, man? It's a fake story. So then I go over the top and be like, I'm like the dad in American beauty. I'm like, yeah, these fags make me sick. I'm disgusted by it. Meanwhile, I'm just in bed, like, longing for the time that we go on our secret screen names

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Daniel Steel. Oh, that's fucking funny. Yeah, yeah. Daniel Balls of Steel. And I- You wore a costume? No, hold on, we can't just call- I wore a costume.

What kind? I wore, I got my grandfather's hat. He had like a bucket hat that he wore. He had a trench coat. I put that on. That looks so sus. Oh yeah. And dude, I had curly hair down to my shoulders.

I look like, you know, I'm like a hundred pounds soaking wet. I'm drawing more attention to myself. Way more, yeah. Looking like an emaciated muppet walking around with a fucking trench coat. And I'm like, one gay book, please. One gay book.

And then I like jerked off to it and then I set it on fire to like make it go away. Yeah. Yeah, dude, it was crazy. It was crazy. Let's talk about this for a second. The shame. How the first episode of the honeydew It was crazy. It was crazy. Let's talk about this for a second. The shame.

How the first episode of the Honeydew was about me drinking my life away. I wonder why, Ryan. I wonder why. I also grew up Catholic. So I get that. I guess what I'm getting at is how much of this, of this, make it go away, burn the book, for example, um, do you think was not only Catholic guilt, but also like society and peer pressure? Like, what do you think?

Was there a bigger, I mean, it wasn't like, were you more worried about burning in hell or more worried about getting your ass physically beat up for being gay? I was, nah, man, if somebody wants to step to me for being gay, like I'll fucking, you know, you better pack a lunch pal We're gonna be there all day. Okay, brother Yeah, I'm gonna beat your ass and suck your dick to prove you less I've been in a lot of fights. Nobody's ever said that shit to me. Oh brother, my gay little rings are coming off.

One more. Yeah. No, but I wasn't worried about like, am I ass kicked? It's like, yeah, kick my ass. Yeah, you can fuck. Fucking fuck you. Sure. I was worried about, honestly, I was worried about people finding out and leaving me and

abandoning me. And so I had to be the thing that you would always want around because if you found out who I really was, you would not want me in your life. And then I'd be like alone, you know? So I was afraid of people finding out because of judgments, because I hated myself, so I thought everyone else would for it. And I don't know if I got that from society, more so just Catholicism in a way, and the idea that I'm doing all this shit while my dad is watching, and he's so disappointed,

and so upset, which is not true, you know? And I know that because like I, I've said before, but like I had love all the time. I just didn't have love for myself and I had to recognize that, you know, and um, he, when before my dad died, he, he would write me letters. I think I told you this. I don't know if I did it before he left for work. He would write me letters on legal pad every. Before he left for work, he would write me

letters on legal pad every day before he left for work. And he'd write it to me. It'd just be like a recap of the day before like what we were looking forward to do the next day. You know, and then he'd write a little note to my mom. And so many times I and I've read them, I've stacks of them so many times I've gone back and read them. And so many times in these letters, it said, just be who you are and everything will be okay. Be yourself. When you are Ian, everything is okay. Be the Ian that we love, just be yourself. And over and over, just telling me to be who I am and that I'm loved and I'm accepted, but I didn't read them for like decades, you know? So I'm just thinking that I've got this twisted perception of what reality is, you know? And you know, also I had the relatives of my mom's

side of the family were like real pieces of shit. My grandparents were great, but you know, like my aunt and uncle and whatever, but they were like super homophobic and you know, like my uncle would like point shit out to me at the beach. And I remember one time he's like, look over there, Isn't that disgusting? Look at them men kissing. And I was like, yeah, that is disgusting. What's happening to my body? You're coming in your pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like legit, I had an uncle that told me they had gay

neighbors and if I go on the lawn, I'll catch it. Catch, yeah, you're gonna catch. And I'm like, did I like sleepwalk on the lawn? I think I caught it. And I just like shit like that, that like really fucked me up. And they're like despicable people. But my dude, my my uncle, I get it, man. He was in Vietnam at 19. He had to drag his buddies out of fields dead. Like he went through some fucking shit, man. So like, you know, and even I remember asking him, I was like 11 or 12 and I was like,

Uncle Danny, how come they don't like gay men in the military? And he's like, cause you're in a foxhole getting shot at, you won't look over and got next to you, he's putting on makeup. And I'm like, I mean, I'm a kid. I'm not even in sixth grade. And I can understand that there's no way in the middle of war, you'd be getting shot at and a man next to you in a Foxholes putting on foundation. My uncle's like, we need backup. And the guy's like, and tell him we need mascara.

What world are you in? He was like making a little joke or whatever, but you know, like, I don't know. It was, you know, and I was just always also like, there were some kids that got found, like there was this kid, a rumor came out that he like blew another boy like in the back of a church or whatever and everyone made fun of him. And I would like oddly take up for him, you know, like, like to the point where thank God nobody like

picked up on my- Does anybody know where he did it? Do you? Let's go, let's go stake it out. See we always had- No, but I would take up when kids would like call him like a fag I'd be like no fuck you like whatever who care, you know, and they're like that's weird and I'm like, but I mean he is gay

You know and I was like really nice to him and then he like Left the school cuz he got like bullied too much for it. And so I was so worried about that. I can honestly say I Never bullied anybody for being gay. I don't remember any of our friends or even classmates, anybody in the eighties being openly out anyway. You could have a good guess. But dude, you know what I'm saying? Male or female, there was a good guess.

Even in like grade school, high school, like you don't know, like I didn't know what I was. Right, yeah. I'm still trying to figure it out. So to make any declarative statement of I am this, I am that, it's like, I just have such an eye roll for all this shit going on with like kids doing it. And it's like, yeah, dude, it's kid shit.

Okay, cool, you're that great. Awesome, but I mean, you'll probably grow out of it. You know, like if I I jumped at the one thing of like, well, I've sucked a dick, I'm gay. I'm the gay guy now. It's like, well, I still love women, I still am attracted to women. So like what you know, it's like, I mean, like, that's the thing, like, I guess you would say I'm like bisexual, but I really hate the terminology of it all. I think like it does

more to alienate us and bring us together, you know, but I really hate the terminology of it all. I think it does more to alienate us and bring us together. At the end of the day, I've always felt gross being like, I'm this, because it's like, I'm me, and I do what I want when I want, and one day I'll be into this, and one day I'll be into this and one day I'll be into that. And I don't want to ever be put down as like something forever, you know? And I think. That's what I was, that's what I was getting at. We never had rumors of this or that. We had the unfortunate rumor. There was a kid who supposedly put peanut butter on his dick and let his dog lick

it off and then he became skippy for the rest of his, but, but that rumor, I know it's in every high school, every high school, you know what, there's a kid in every high school that gets it stuck to them and this kid, no pun intended. This kid did get it stuck to them. And that was the rumor. You know, that was the one that went around. It was never about anybody's sexuality. Nobody even called him gay either.

You know what I mean? It was like, let your dog lick your dick. You know what I mean? Well, there was like a rumor that this girl ate M and M's out of this football player's ass because he wanted to go around our school and everybody was like, she's a whore. And I remember being like, she's hungry. Wait, hold on. Why is she a whore? And this guy is like, yeah, Hey, let's get fingering and go to seven 11 and get some M and M's. I've got an idea. It's like, no, this guy's weird, Hey, let's get fingering and go to 7-Eleven and get some M&Ms. I've got an idea. It's like, no, this guy's weird. Who's 16? And I like put an M&M on my ass.

And also, can we try that? Are you, you have an open relationship? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know. Like, yeah, it's like, I don't know, sex and sexuality is like so weird. I feel like it's people with these rigid ideas and expectations. And what pisses me off is there's like, there's this push to identify a million fucking genders, but then with sex and sexuality,

it's like, nope, you're either this, this or this. And it's like, no, man, you can do shit and it doesn't define you. It's okay. All right, so let's stop there for a second. When do you decide or allow yourself to accept that it's okay, you know. All right, so let's stop there for a second. When do you decide or allow yourself to accept that it's okay? When do you?

I mean, dude, it took a long time, man. When do we talk? I used to get drunk and like act out because that was like the only time I could be okay with it, you know. For yourself. Yeah, yeah. But so you didn't, it didn't stop you from.

Oh, I now think of the time I did almost get caught. I was, I was on an adult kickball team. This is like 2014 or whatever. Right. And I met some guy and he's like, let's I met him on like Tinder or whatever. He's like, let's go to let's meet up. And I go, all right, we're okay. Let's go to this like bar over here.

Right. And he shows up and dude,, all right, we're okay. Let's go to this like bar over here, right? And he shows up and dude, he is a cartoon character of a gay guy, like leather short shorts, little leather hat, chains. I swear to God, on a Tuesday night, I'm like, what the fuck is a matter with you, man? He's got a leather fucking band around his leg. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, dude,

can you not fucking queerered up this hard? Some of us are trying to be fucking outwardly straight. You fucking dickhead. What's the matter with you? So, yeah, how dare you be who you want to be? Some of us are fucking hiding. Okay, to matter with you? Living free. So dude, I swear to God, we're at this bar and already I see him and he's like a homing beacon for like, I'm gay. And so I'm like, okay, let's, all right.

I'm like looking around, I'm nervous already. And then all of a sudden walks in the fucking leader of the kickball league with like a team we just played a bunch of people I know. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, what's more embarrassing that I'm gay or that I'm on an adult kickball league. It's like, I don't want the gay guy to see that I know these kickballers. I don't want the kickballers to see that I'm with a gay guy. And I'm like, we got to get out of Yeah. So we rented a pay by the hour motel in fucking Times Square and banged each other. Okay.

Okay. Let's get back to my question. That's one time I almost got caught. If they ever pop up again, feel free to share. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, let's get back to my question. One time I almost got caught. If they ever pop up again, feel free to share. At what point, and maybe you haven't a hundred percent yet. I don't even know. What point do you allow yourself to at least say, Hey, I'm okay with this. And enough that, that you've been public around, you know,

around when I turned like 30, like nine years ago, I'd say maybe like, uh, what 2015 or so. What was that shift for you? I mean, dude, I honestly thought this was a part of my life. I was going to take to the grave. Oh yeah. And it was eating me up so much inside. And also dude, in tandem with this like thing I have in my personal life, I'm a stand up and I'm

trying to grow on stage and and dude, honestly, like standups the reason why I started being open about this because I realized on stage, I was just talking about bullshit. I'm like, I'm lying on stage. I'm not being authentically who I really am. And what the fuck is the point of this if we're not going to live authentically and all I want to do in life is be a great stand up. And the only way to do that is to live truthfully for better or worse. And so I had to come to terms with this and be like, dude, I think I just got to fucking I got to get this out of me. I can't be

secret guy, you know, I mean, obviously, I have boundaries this out of me. I can't be secret guy, you know? I mean, obviously I have boundaries and things I keep to myself, but this is like a huge part of my fucking life that was like eating me up, you know? So can I ask you this? Why was it not enough for you to just come out to family and friends?

Why do you feel like you needed to go even further with it? Because I'm not a comic that can just talk about observational stuff. I very much talk about myself, my life, how I see things, things that happen to me, things I do. This is a big part of me. So being your authentic self everywhere. Yeah. In order to authentically-

You think if you worked at an office job, would you be outwardly gay at the job? No, cause there's nobody's business, but my, my comedy, my standup is me. It's my life. I mean, I know what you'd be doing in the break room, but nobody outwardly would be. Yeah. I'd be fucking, you know, trying to suck people off at the water jug. You see the game this weekend, Bill?

Um, but, uh, I. You know, trying to suck people off at the water jug. You see the game this weekend, Bill? But I... So about 10 years ago, you decide to really just start talking about it. Yeah. Well, I, you know, I was in therapy and it was just like getting to the point where like, I just had to, you know, come clean and, and dude, it's so funny, man. I took my friend aside and we went to this burger joint and, and I was about to tell him, you know, and it and dude, it's so funny, man. I took my friend aside and we went to this burger joint and I was about to tell him, you know,

and it's such a funny thing because- Tell him what? You know what I mean? That I've been with men. Because you take a step back and you're like, so? Like, why do I have to, because being like bisexuals, like, if you're like gay, it's like, oh, this is my lifestyle and who I'm, I'm going to

be with men now for the rest of my life. But bisexual is basically like, yeah. Yeah. And, but then bisexual is like, Hey, um, you know, you know how like you met my ex girlfriend and I'm still going to date women, but you got to know that sometimes I like, you know, you know, and it's like, cool. Why are you telling me this? And I'm like, because I feel like I'm going to die if I don't let it out. You know, but I told, I told my buddy, we go to this burger joint and it's like, I love that it's not a hot dog. Shut up.

Fucking jerk off. And, and so we go to this burger joint and there's like stuff on the walls and there's like a clown in the corner and there's like, you know, it's like a kitschy type place, right? And I go, Can I stop you for one second? Yeah. Why him? Is this like a brother to you? Like, did you choose this? He was he was my sponsor in AA at the time, who was also a friend.

Got it. And we're talking and I go, look, man, like I gotta tell you something. I gotta, oh God. And he's like, what, what, what? Are you like, did you get fucked up? Like, did you break your surprise? I go, no.

Basically my whole life I've been secretly with guys. And right when I said that, the clown in the corner went, HALOGA! We just started dying laughing, dude. It was like a sign from God that was like, dude, it's okay. Who gives a shit? Let's fucking laugh, man.

It's all right. You know? Yeah, yeah. And, yeah. Yeah. And dude, I went home and told my mom, and dude, my mom started crying, and she was like, I always knew there was a sadness behind your eyes.

Oh, but she didn't know, huh? She didn't know. She had no clue, but she always knew there was a pain I had. And, you know, just like, I never wanna live a I, I never, I never want to live a lie. I never want to lie. I'll be honest to a fault and living authentically and being honest

and open about things in my life, my, my failures and my faults and these things and the other, I mean, like there is a line of like, you know, like, am I exploiting this or am I just being honest? But at the end of the day, like I just operate better when I have like nothing to hide better or worse, you know, and I've, I've just felt, I really feel like the older I get, the more I'm becoming who I was always meant to be, which is that silly, fun kid that was laughing and having a good time and full of love and happiness and was ornery before his friend made him bite on his penis. Because that's what a brother does. Thank God I was an only child. I mean, my God. What's going on here?

You're out. Woo! Okay, so let me ask you this then. When's the first time you date or have sex or whatever with a man where you're now like, okay, and what was it like? Here's the thing, man. I've tried to like, that's the thing that fucks me up too with like the identity and what am I and this and that.

Cause it's like, yo, I physically, I've been with men, but I've never, like every girlfriend I have, I'm like, I think I love her. I let's what if, and they're like, no, you're just a friend. I'm like, okay, we could just be friends, but I did, you know, you're huh, blah, blah, blah, you know, but a guy friend I've never ever been attracted to. I've never been at a sleepover and been like, Justin, what if

we slept in the sleeping bag together? You know, it's never been that I've never like been hanging out with my bros and been like, guys, what are we doing? Like, and that's the thing that's like, yo, I think like, and honestly, Come on, guys. What are we doing? Let's just do it right now. So so then would you say it's fair to say, for lack of a better term,

a sexual experience with a man is just scratching an itch. Yeah, there's no feelings and you've never fallen and fallen for a guy. Or that's not. And I've tried to have a guy like I've had sleepovers and I've like made them breakfast in the morning or I've gone on dates and it's just like you have gone on dates. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But never. Nothing's ever been like, yeah. I just don't feel. But you said you've always been attracted to trans. What about a trans person?

Oh, I've dated trans women. That doesn't do it for you either. No, no, I've dated trans women. That doesn't do it for you either. No, no, no, I like that. Okay. I'm attracted to feminine. Even the guys I go for are like feminine. Just not as feminine as the one that showed up in Times Square.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But also too, like when people hear like, oh, you've been with men, they're like, ew, how do you like sweaty man ass? I'm like, I don't, it's disgusting. I like a shaved little dolphin man's ass,

like an effeminate dancer. That's interesting too, you don't like all, there's what, yeah, what does it for you? Okay. And it's funny because my guy friends- Are you an ass man on both, male, female? No, I don't like guys' asses. That's the thing.

That's the thing that I'm like, yo, what the fuck? And at the time- So what do you like? At the time, I don't like guys asses that all that's the thing That's the thing that I'm like, you know, what the fuck and and what do you like at the time? I'm sucking a cock. I'm like, what am I even doing? What the boy this turn out the way I didn't expect You know when someone looks good in the menu and you order it then you're like I can't eat this What am I doing? It's like that. You know, I'm going to get sick. How do you think I feel?

I mean, dude, honestly, I think I'm just like criminally horny and I have realized that, you know, like, I'm an alcoholic, and I'm, I'm an addict, and I'm sober from that. But I do think that I do have sex addiction in a way. And I, you know, if I if I if it doesn't work out with a with a girl, whatever, I'm on the apps, like maybe I'm just like, I just want affirmation and someone to like, like me and want me and then guys are super fucking easy to get maybe I'll just, I get it. I just want affirmation and someone to like me and want me and then guys are super fucking easy to get.

I'll bet. You know? So if after a thing doesn't work out with a lady, it's a reset with a guy usually and then. In the past, but I've gotten, I've really done like a lot of work and like different programs and therapy of like kind of try to recognize this and realize this and kind of be like, I think guys are like my Bowie phase, you know?

You think it's a phase? No, I mean, that's a joke. It's not a phase, but you know, even like sex with women, like I love women. I love, you know, just like being held and holding and you know, and that's exactly what a closeted gay man would be saying. I love when you hold them and you kiss them.

I love women. Oh, don't you like it when they get all gooey wooey down there? Woo. But no, I don't know. I think like I have used men in the past, as you said, of scratching and itch or a way to get outside myself, a way for distraction. And I've used sex in that way across the board. And I've really been trying to work

on not being that guy anymore. You know, like ultimately Ultimately, I want love. I want to be loved. Because they do want a relationship. And I want to love. I don't know if I want a relationship because I'm pretty selfish with my time and I don't want to put someone through my selfishness of my inability to donate my time in a way that sacrifices the things I want to do, you know? And so I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship, but, you know, I would love to

settle down, you know? And I've thought, like, could I be with a guy? Like, in my head, dude, my childhood best friend, he just came on the road with me. It was so fucking fun. We're having a blast. And I said to him, I go, man, it is a shame you are physically repulsive to me because this could be great. And dude, when I told him, he got, when I told him about everything, I'll never forget, he goes, look, man, I love you no matter what, you know, you're always going to be my best friend, but have you ever thought about fucking me? And I go, no dude, you're fucking discussing me.

And he goes, well, what the fuck man, really? Why not? And I'm like, oh, so you want me to be, you know? Like my guy friends have been like, so you never sucked my dick, what's so bad about me? And I'm like, well, you have cystic acne. And you know. So you, you have cystic acne. And you know.

So you always kept it outside your circle. Yeah. And also too, like I would never want to cross that boundary, like, like with my girlfriends, I have a ton of girlfriends and I don't cross that boundary. I would never want to make someone feel as if I'm like with their friendship for like a different reason. I've never been like hanging

out with my friends and been like, what if we, you know, I'm like not that kind of guy, which again makes me go, if I was really like gay, then I would be, wouldn't I be attracted to like my best friend that I would, cause in every relationship with a girl, I'm like, God, it'd be so great to like marry my best friend, but it's always skews female. It's never be great to marry Bill. You know? Yeah. Even though he's a doctor and he'd take care of me.

Sorry, I went somewhere else. Take it. Take it. Take it. Take it. Take it. Take it. Take it.

Take it. Take it. Take it. Take it. Take it. Take, no wonder you never told him. I didn't realize you were that young. Yeah. What about no other, well, now you're out. What about any of the uncles or anything?

Anybody hit you up now? Well, the uncle that told me to look how disgusting the guys were when they kissed, he blew his head off a couple of years ago. So is that right? Yeah. What can I say? Me and him both like different types of head. Blowing different types of head. Yeah. What can I say? Me and him both like different types of heads. Blowing different types of heads.

Yeah. This one's for you, Danny. Oh my God. And, uh, the other, and my dad's side of the family is totally cool with it. They're, they're totally down. They love me. They support it. We make jokes. They're the fucking best, man. My dad's side of the family is fantastic. My mom's side of the family. We don't talk to him anymore. But you know, it's like, it does

bother me. Because I, some people try to get slick with me about it and I've had to like. What do you mean by that? Just like comments and I've had to. In the family? No, no, no. Well, one cousin, I can't go to family functions anymore because I told him when I see him it's on site.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah and Tony, if you're watching, I still haven't forgotten. See you Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Tony, if you're watching, I still haven't forgotten. So see you Christmas. Yeah. It's going to suck. I'm not going to knock you out in front of your kid with behavioral issues. I wonder why, because you're a piece of shit anyway. No, but like some comics like because because I started talking about this

on stage, I didn't tell anyone. I just started being like, yeah, I suck dick or like I, you know, this and that. And they'd be like, dude, is that true? Or like I'd go back in the green room and a group of them would be like, dude, we didn't know you were a fank. And I'm like, yeah, well, I'm not. If you say it again, I'll show you who the fag is. And I've had to grip a couple of people up because they talk slick and I get it. I understand because it is a comedic setting and it is jokes and some people don't know where the line is. And I'm a very jokey, roasty guy,

but I've definitely, and it's helped me, like put up boundaries and be like, yo man, you wouldn't, if a female comic was on stage talking about sucking dick, you wouldn't go to them and be like, oh, you're gonna suck a dick later tonight. I got a dick. You want to suck it. But like somehow it's okay to say to me, fuck you. Well, you know, I'm joking. I go, well, I don't like those kinds of jokes. I love jokes about

everything, but this is something I don't want to joke about. Now do you ever have that in your personal life where you've had to defend? Whatever by saying that you know I Mean do people it I mean do with the trancing. It's it's very much like you know Getting told I'm gay all the time because I date trans women and it's like Your gay for caring like what are you talking about I'm making a woman come you fucking queer are you worrying about me

and this chick fuck you it's like what's gay or me and her fucking live in our lives are you coming on my YouTube? Yeah, you care about me. Yeah. You know? That's a great point. That's a great point. But like, yeah, but it's made me tougher.

It's made me more understanding and empathetic. And you know, like, I know I'm not the only one out there. I ain't the only guy that this has happened to. I ain't the only guy that has these feelings. I'm not the only guy who's experienced. Jim Norton's been here talking about that. I mean, dude, Jim walked so I, he crawled so I could walk and I walk so DeRosa could run. You know.

Holy Trinity. Yeah, yeah. Father, son, the Holy Spirit. You know, oh, dude, that's a that's a great way to end this episode. Ian, finance, and the Holy Spirit. You know? Oh dude, that's a great way to end this episode, Ian Finance. Thank you so much, man. Thank you, my friend. I appreciate you. You have no idea.

Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for making it fun and funny. I know it wasn't growing up and dealing with and everything, but, and I also love that you're old school and you had to go to a library to see if you were fucked up. You didn't get to go. You didn't get to go. You didn't get to drop off. In fifth grade looking up the Dewey Decimal System.

The amount of work that had to go to get you. Yeah. Figuring out a Xerox, looking up newspaper articles on the Rolodex thing. Yeah. God forbid you leave it open all day. Lying about homework that you were never given. It's a science study. Just drop me off.

Yeah. Yeah drop me off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Sobbing all over textbooks. Ha ha ha! Plug everything again. Your special, all of it, please. Yes, Ian Fyodance, wild, happy, and free.

YouTube.com slash B and E and pod. It's, I work so hard, I'm so proud of it. And I really hope it resonates with people and they dig it. And you can see me on the road everywhere, ianfidance.com for all my dates, ianimal69 on Instagram and beanianwithjordan. Every Wednesday on YouTube, patreon.com slash beanianpod. Awesome. Thank you for being here for real. You, man. Thank you. You're always a good time. Thank you, brother. As always, Ryan Sickler on all your social media. Come see me on tour. All tickets available at ryan sickler.com.

We'll talk to you all next week. Music