The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Introduction

Episode Date: January 2, 2019

Welcome to The HoneyDew podcast, y'all! This week I introduce/re-introduce myself, share a bit of my life story and an understanding of what this show is all about. My guest Co-Host for this ep is Josh Adam Meyers, AKA Jimmy Josh Adams, AKA The King of Fleece, AKA the 4-Legged Comedian! I'll be dewin it every #Wenzdee right here at the Your Mom's House studio. Enjoy The HoneyDew! http://TheHoneyDewPodcast.com

See yourself buying a home one day? Do future you a favor. Open a Questrade first home savings account and help that future come faster. The FHSA is a tax-free account where all your investment gains are yours to keep and put towards your first home. With Questrade, you can open an FHSA online. No bank appointment needed. It's easy and only takes a few minutes. The sooner you get started, the more time your down payment has to grow. Open an account today at Questrade.com. You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Do you feel what I feel? Here we go, y'all. We're on that maiden voyage.

You feel it? Just trying to get out of the harbor here. Just trying. If we could just get out around that end, we could probably catch some sail here. Somebody give us a push. Use your feet. Soft sole sneakers. Don't fuck.

No, don't put your walker on it. Not with the tennis ball parts god damn it just give us get there we go there it is all right it feels good y'all it's a it's a new day a new week a new year and i got a brand new podcast follow that ass welcome to the honeydew y'all i'm fired up to be here at the brand new your mom's house studios i am your host ryan sickler you can follow me on all social media at ryan sickler and my website is ryan sickler.com i have a brand new album out maybe some of y'all heard of it called get a hold of yourself it's available now on itunes apple music you know a deal amazon google play spotify

pandora uh you really want to help me out you go to itunes you know, a deal, Amazon, Google Play, Spotify, Pandora. You really want to help me out, you go to iTunes, you give it a five-star written review, a Feaster Honeydew written review. I will always love the Feasters, and you can always be Feasters. You better fucking be Feasters because you're Feasters, and now we're talking about the Honeydew. You can figure out what your nickname is later. I see a lot of you putting that out there. I don't know, to be honest.

Some of you said, I don't want to be be called honeys because it doesn't work for guys but you're called mommies that's some that works for you so i don't know i'm from the land of baltimore we call everybody hun so we could be huns i love the poem hey hun everybody's hun or honey whatever you want uh but uh yeah i want to thank you everyone that's already gotten the album and it's i'm very proud of it. It's doing so well. And that's all because of you. So please subscribe, rate, and review it.

And a little bit of Honeydew information for you here, y'all. The website is thehoneydewpodcast.com. That's thehoneydewpodcast.com. Facebook, same name, The Honeydew Podcast. That is the official fan page the honeydew podcast email me uh honeydewpodcast at gmail.com real easy honeydewpodcast at gmail.com and twitter honeydew pod that's what we're all about over here so why are we doing a new podcast well my last one ended and i didn't want to stop podcasting so uh why specifically the

honeydew i'll tell you why some of you may have heard this but look this is the first episode i want to make sure um you know knowing what i know now with all the new people that come in you go back to episode one and uh you can hear the intro to this episode and and what's going on uh moving forward and who i am what i'm all about and why we started this podcast and it'll answer all your questions why i was sitting in a diner one night i'm having some some food and uh get my fruit bowl my fruit cup and i eat all the fruit but i don't eat the honeydew and it's not like i hate honeydew it's just i don't fuck with the honeydew you know least desirable in that bowl for me so i go to walk out and uh i started looking around

at the tables i see a lot of honeydew left on all the tables i was like oh man nobody likes to fuck with the honeydew now i know there's some of you out there to do and that's fine now they're probably you're like i've said to people i should probably be involved with but uh mostly nobody likes the motherfucking honeydew and i started thinking about this perfectly good fruit that's just thrown away and i was like oh i'm a honeydew i've been thrown away plenty of times nothing wrong with me but i'm a honeydew so i went and did some research i looked up is it really a disliked fruit is it just me it came in on the bottom of the list i think with figs and dates were after it that's it honeydew down at the bottom of the list i think with figs and dates were after

it that's it honeydew down at the bottom of the list and i some of you've heard me tell the story i read an article by the guy that owns an all you can eat pancake house and he said you can imagine how many uneaten pancakes i throw away every year i throw away more honeydew than i throw away uneaten pancakes and they said well why do you have and he said looks good next to the watermelon play uh so yeah that's what it's all about. I want to talk to the people who, you know, my whole life story is a honeydew story. And you've heard so many people come on the crab feast and they have life stories that are honeydew stories. But I don't want to just focus on someone's life story.

thrown away or overworked underpaid overlooked uh picked last embarrassed cheated on broken up with divorced you name it whatever it is the struggle i want to talk about it and i want to laugh at it um the who that's going to be me and i'm going to have a rotating guest co-host um you'll meet our guest co-host shortly here for this week we're not going to have a guest it'll be myself and the guest co-host this week but i wanted to rotate that chair with people that i have a really good rapport with and a lot of my favorites from the feast and a lot of people i'd like to introduce you guys to as well and then also we'll have a guest um as well so it'll usually be the three of us. This will be a storytelling show with a focus on what I just told you about. All those moments in life. The overall

stories. The individual stories. Whatever they are. We'll be here every Wednesday y'all. Every Wednesday we'll be highlighting the lowlights. That's what I'm talking about right here at your mom's house studios. All right. So that's the deal. That's what this podcast is all about. I'm super stoked to be here with you. One of the things we're going to be talking about, as I say, we highlight the lowlights. But I want to tell you about the year I had in 2018.

It's been the best year of my life, especially professionally. And it hadn't been easy getting here, which you're going to hear a little bit about. And you'll eventually hear more and more about in detail as we go forward in these episodes. But this year, I'm just going to throw some things out that I'm super proud of because we're going to celebrate that kind of stuff here. I was a supervising producer on Kevin Hart's Donald Mac series for LOL. We won a Streamy Award. I was a supervising producer on a sketch comedy pilot for Kevin Hart. I helped sell a series to E! called The Funny Dance Show where I'm a co-EP.

I got an official Topps card and poster and two action cards and a sponsorship. I parlayed that into a Topps sponsorship for the Home Run Derby where I won my bet. I was able to get my dad's Pan Am work shirt in there as a game-worn shirt, which was awesome. Rogan, I did Joe Rogan's podcast this year, which was really fantastic and I can't thank him enough for that.

Tom and Christina as well. I can't not only thank them enough for doing their podcast, I can't thank them enough for bringing me into the studio. I'm so glad to be here. As I said, I released a new album, Get Ahold of Yourself. It was number one on iTunes comedy, went all the way up to number 65 on the iTunes overall charts, and hit number one stand-up on the Billboard charts as well.

So I had the number one stand-up album in the country for a little bit. Being able to perform at the comedy store is always a blessing. Got my pick on the Jimmy Sifu wall of fame where I went and did some sold out standup shows for my album release, which is really awesome. Got up there at the Petaluma to do the Petaluma festival with Dominic Del Bene who, who produced and,

and his, my album is on his label right now Blonde Medicine can't thank him enough for that um and something very special to me that I'll never forget was uh Steve Simone myself and our good friend Damon Bruce up in Northern California were able to make a dying boy's wish come true and meet Steph Curry uh when when make a wish couldn't pull it off we were able to do that for that boy and that family, and I'm so grateful for that. I'm super grateful for this new podcast right here, The Honeydew,

and again at Tom and Christina's studios. I really had a great time. Jay produced another stand-up show for us, our kids' preschool. Got to perform on that again. That's our third one, and it's always so much fun got back to maryland twice to visit i took stella my daughter with me uh to maryland and delaware was our best trip back um and ending the crab feast i mean it's a positive every good thing has to come to an end and it went out i'm so stoked i wouldn't get to talk about this i'm so stoked that we were able to pull that off.

When we started talking about it, we were like, man, we can make this happen. And it did. And you're outpouring of love. Everything I've said, you know, posted what I can. I just I love you all. And I appreciate you all. And I respect you all. And I'm so glad you're here with me.

We're going to have a lot of motherfucking fun doing it every Wednesday at the Honeydew uh and another thing that i was meeting the feasters man meeting you guys out there so i look forward to meeting more of you and bringing you more content and everything uh so that is what's going on here at the honeydew this is episode one we're gonna do a couple audio episodes i don't want to leave you guys out or let you behind or let you down. We're waiting for some technical stuff to get run over at your mom's house studios where we'll be bringing you probably episode three, four will be over there. Officially in the studio with video, hopefully. But until then, I'm going to introduce my first co-host. We don't have a guest this week, just my co-host here. Ladies and gentlemen, you all know him.

Four legs. Three DUIs. Two passports. Definitely sold one of them. Channel One News, y'all. Jimmy Josh Ademeyer. Honeydew. Welcome to the Honeydew.

Honeydew, doo-doo. Episode one of the Honeydew. If there's any other Honeydew welcome to the honeydew episode one of the honeydew if there's any other i didn't think i was gonna make it though i mean kick it off the doob well this week you're not a guest you are the guest co-host yeah uh so it's you and me on this episode here and i just wanted to get um a couple episodes out because uh your Mom's House Studios may not be ready until mid-January. So we're just going to get a couple episodes out and get it going. This first episode really is just to introduce me and who I am. I know a lot of Feasters are listening, but any of the new audience that comes along, this will be an episode that lives here forever.

You can go back and listen to why I started this and um what it's all about so thank you for being on here go ahead and i think you have a podcast i do have a podcast the 500 uh with josh adam meyers it's uh it's a record book club going through rolling stone magazines 500 greatest albums uh and it's great you did an episode and you're gonna probably do a whole bunch more because uh you said to me you were like i got ticket stubs galore man dude i went to see judas priest at the capital center in 1987 i didn't you know the only time i ever saw judas priest perform was on the goddamn comedy that's the only time i've ever seen judas priest. Rob Halpert. I wish I was in Heavy Metal Park a lot.

I wish I was. Where are you going after this? Glen Burnie? Glen Burnie. Going to Glen Burnie. Going to Ocean City. Bobbing their head and shit. I remember when you showed that to me

when we were watching the Caps game. This is like, what, eight years ago? We're watching the Caps game, and then you put that on, and it's just reminded me of how bad the maryland accent is i forgot i'd forgotten that was right right with the voyage of it there's only one guy in that whole thing that even is on to rob halford he's talking about all the guys that goes rob halford i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know he says it he was he did know he. I play Count the Camaro or even Camaro style car.

There's so many of them when they shoot across the parking lot. It's so incredible just to know that not only does that exist, but it also takes place at a venue that I've been to and you've been to a million times. A million times. So go ahead. Continue. At Josh Adam Myers on all social media and um

yeah uh joshadammyers.com i forgot all my credits for a sec i was like what is my back you all right yeah i'm fine oh okay you had a little anxiety today well you took me on a hike before this is ladies and gentlemen like like, we're getting ready to tape the first episode. I'm like, man, let's just go out and do something. Ryan's like, nah, let's go on a hike. Josh said, I don't know what we talk about. I said, look, the first episode needs to be an intro episode. Sure, all the people who have come over that know me know this, of course, and I appreciate your patience.

But, again, you have so many new people that come along and are like, I just found out about you from Rogan or from Tom and Christine or from whoever. And then they go back to episode one and it's like, well, here's where it all started and why. So I said, why don't we go for a hike? We'll get up. It was not a hike, man. I can't even tell you how many times I wanted to set up camp. It was such a long journey. And here's the thing, everybody.

That's what I was trying to say. 90% of it from the car to the podcast. I am down to do the podcast, motherfucker. But it's 11 a.m. We're meeting up. It is not 11. No, hold on. Smoking a joint to go hiking.

No. No, that's not true. I said, why don't we go hiking? It's 11.30. It's 11.15 I said, why don't we go hike? It's 11.30. Well, why don't we talk about it? We'll go up there. We'll get some fresh air.

We'll get rid of any poison in our lungs. We'll go have some lunch, and then we'll go record an episode of podcast. But first, I got this joint. I got a joint. It's called relaxation, and then I smoke it, and it should have been called panic attack because i immediately got in my head i was like i know we got a podcast later i don't want to get hot don't worry we'll walk it off i said josh it'll be three and a half hours before we podcast he's like i i can't think of nothing right now dude i also thought that we were going on like a trail not a full-blown

mountain range hike dude i said it's the real deal. Dude, you took me. I mean, it was at one point me and Ryan were both going up the hill, and all I heard was the incline was steep, y'all. Steep. But it was great. The top is the beautiful payoff there. Yeah. You did well on it.

But I usually smoke pot this early in the day and then it wasn't 11 a.m it was fucking it was 11 45 dude you pushed till noon 12 15 and then we hung out it was one o'clock in the afternoon for god's i love how you still think 1 p.m is good well i'm saying it wasn't 11 you know what i'm saying it's no different we went out into nature you know we just went out in nature we were one with nature josh josh had a belt on and he had some work boots these are my existential crisis pants i've never seen anybody i said are you hiking and i've never seen anybody hiking with a belt on like a real belt they're the most comfortable pants i have ever worn in my life and i wear them basically 90 of the time until i go out and do shows at night

so like you want to get started and tell me because you've been talking about how you know like i know the story of uh your mom and dad but uh i have really no idea actually how any of that happened i've just heard little increments so so tell me your story of like well you just met my mom i did meet my mom so i'll start this story by saying my mom and i have reconnected after i think it's 25 years um something like that maybe a little longer um and it's been great and it's been work and it's been not always easy but it's been great. And it's been work. And it's been not always easy. But it's been really good and beneficial. And, again, I want my daughter to have, like, my daughter's relationship with her grandma is not really even my fucking business. You know what I mean?

Yeah. If my mom's going to be good to her, then. And I can tell you, my daughter is reaping the benefits of that guilt, player. We getting Thanksgiving cards. I didn't even know they had Thanksgiving cards. Another present? It's over there in the guilt section. It's cards yeah right next to the kid um but man to get there because i can tell you this if you would have told me i mean you could have told me from

i mean she doesn't like hearing this but she's gonna have to hear it and i've even told her she should come on. And she said she would agree to come on. So we'll see if I can really make that happen because I'd like to do that because she's going to have to take it. Because that's who I am. I joke about everything. Well, you've told her already, like, when you guys reconnected, you kind of explained to her, you were like, this isn't going to be just,

I can't just jump right back into this. Well, that was immediately. Well, how did that all happen? Like, so how did you get to your mom how did your how did you because you said your mom chose one of your brothers over the two you how bad were you that she didn't choose i'm the honeydew clearly tom was strawberries and derrick was kind of like watermelon or cantaloupe like i could take him i don't have to take him but that honeydew that shit over there give that to somebody else he was kiwi some people love kiwi you know what i mean hey look there's a lot of people

that love honeydew but it ain't is a hell of a lot more that don't man you know what i'm saying um well all that happened because i had uh had stella you know i um my brother hit me up and said hey mom said she wants to send you something i said look you don't need to be in the middle of any of this feel free to tell her that people want to do they do we're registered where everybody else was fucking registered to get a baby you know what i'm saying a matter of fact baby was in the title so or you just send something on amazon if you want you know what i mean like the registry you don't need my address it's all there and um i told him i didn't remember saying this but i'm sure i did but i said look you know if i don't have a mother

how does stella have a grandmother so if she wants to send something she can send something and then she told me my mom told me that she said when when he told me that um you said Stella didn't have a grandma I go how how could she I don't even have a mother but then she was like you're right I go so how can she have a grandmother yeah so um you know she didn't send anything we didn't hear from her and then when we were doing that crab feast tour 2016, my brother was turning 40, and we were in Baltimore on 11-11, which, as you know, is a special date for me and address for me and all that shit, my grandmother's place. But my younger brother's wife hit me up and said,

look, I want to throw him a surprise party while you're here. Will you help me? And I was like, yeah, of course. But I knew I would see my mother at that i knew there was no avoid how long it had been before you'd seen her before then seen her probably a couple of years because every now and then she would come to the like my niece and nephew's birthday party or something and i would see her i'd say hello and then i'd go outside and play fucking horseshoes until she bounced you know what i mean we didn't i just never made it a scene or never made it about me

i just quietly went over there and she didn't play horseshoes no man she can't she's a fucking ringer man my mother's really good at it you saw my mom six feet tall dude she's a middle linebacker yeah she's just tell you she could be a middle linebacker actually she could um so when i got there um i saw her and i just you know i just took the high road and i just said would you like to see some pictures of your and videos of your your granddaughter and she just lost it just opened up so i said just go sit down let me get up sadness tears yeah give me somebody's just crab dip i went up and got my plate ready and then i sat down as soon as i opened that phone up she screamed that's your face and then i started crying and i'm laughing at a certain point like

this is his surprise 40th birthday we're over here just stealing it you know you're still holding the plate of crab dip you had the carrots on there you're like dripping it on the screen and waving it with my finger the way you are you're like hold on i love you what is this what's it doing this what y'all seek relish sweet relish huh never had that i'm okay um so i say to her like let's get our shit together here this is his surprise 40th berkeley party so i show her videos and i went back to the day she was born and i let her i caught her up for two years basically she wasn't even two yet actually she was turning two oh she just turned two yeah she did so she then said at the end of the night, I let her FaceTime her, and I said, look, don't take it personal.

Sometimes she doesn't even want to talk. You know, I tell you all the time. She doesn't want to hug. She's a kid. She's a kid. Yeah. She just woke up, and she doesn't even know who the hell you are. It's the first time she's ever laid an eye on you.

She sees this 6'7 Baltimore woman, just, how you doing, honey? Like, what the fuck is that? That's grandma. Because, you know, like parents, my mom doesn't know how to do FaceTime, so they go up super close. Your mom would be like, yeah, we're just getting eyebrows. We're just getting all eyebrows right now. Back up a little bit. Take your pads off. You know, it's funny.

I'll say this about my mom. And even during the time I didn't want to speak politely over it, I can't believe it just dawned on me because it is a crab feast related thing, but it's the polar opposite. My mother makes the best goddamn meatball I've ever had in my life. Oh, she looks like she can cook. In my life. Listen to me.

Even when I couldn't stand the thought of even talking to her, best meatball I've ever had in my life. Complete opposite of Sue Larson. Complete. I just thought of that. I can't even get over it. My mom makes meatball. I mean, they look like Sue's on the outside.

On the outside. They're brown. I wish I could have seen those. So I let her FaceTime her. She's happy. She's crying. And she said to me, can I get your phone number so we can facetime and i said your mom didn't even have your phone number no what the fuck dude we weren't on fate no no connection for how long i'm telling you like i mean other than i would go home to my niece and nephew's party and see her and i'd politely say hello and if she hugged me i'd hug and then i would bounce i wouldn my niece and nephew's party and see her, and I'd politely say hello. And if she hugged me, I'd hug, and then I would bounce.

Then that'd be it. And then somebody would be like, Mom's gone! I'd be like, oh, thank God. I'm starving. I'm getting all the crusty corner crab dip out of it. Everybody's already got the good shit. They put dill in it. Thank God.

Got that dill. Yeah, dude. All I'm getting left is like, I come in for the happy birthday cake, and then I go right back outside. You know what I mean? I'm stuffing my pockets with chips and stuff. Just tie me over to get back in. So I said, well, why don't I give you my email? Because at the time, and maybe I am right.

I don't know. I'm wrong a lot. But I thought you could FaceTime with email. I didn't think you had to have a phone number. And she couldn't figure it out, and I was probably wrong anyway. So I was just like, I told her, I was like, let's pump the brakes on the number. We just started hanging out here. I don't know if I'm ready to give you my number and have complete access to me at all times.

Slow play it. So after, I don't know, not long, I mean, she couldn't figure out a FaceTime, so I gave her my number. And, yeah, so she FaceTimes now, and we FaceTime her, and Stella will call her and show her stuff that she sends her and stuff like that. So what happened was she was going to come out to visit. She has a girlfriend in Marylandland and this is what's crazy like i'm just getting to know my mom my mom loves steven tyler she's she's from aerosmith dude so when we did our baltimore show okay he was up in new york for the she was like she was like next time you perform i'll bring some scarves for you to tie around the mic stand

she loves him okay i'm learning i don't know my mom i'm learning about my mom wait your mom wait your mom your mom when when she was like kicking you guys out a long time ago she's like i'm back in the saddle i don't ever want to fuck out of right up. Dream on. Dream on. I want you out of my life. I hate you tonight. Just to hear you breathing. She loves Steven Tyler more than

she loved you. Todd, I love you. Right, I hate you, sweet. Emotion. Get that shit out of the corner, sweet. She's in the car just like, talking about things that nobody cares. Reaching back and beating us. You blocked it out. You blocked it out.

You blocked it out. I can't listen to Aerosmith ever again. She ruined it. So while we were in Baltimore for the album release show, by the way, my album's still available. Get a hold of yourself. Feel free to get that on iTunes,

everywhere you get music. And listen to the 500. But get my out and uh he steven tyler i guess was doing like good morning america or something like that my mother told me that if we weren't coming in for that show she would have gone up there she goes i would have camped outside on the street to see him and i was like fucking 72 she's going on the road you don't do that for your kids she's going on the road. You don't do that for your kids. She's going on the road. With Steven Pyle.

She's like one of those hippies making meatballs from city to city. I brought you some meatballs, Steve. Like Steve. So she loves Bruno Mars. My mom goes to crazy concerts. I don't know anything. I'm learning all. It's all over Facebook. i'm learning about her so um well i used to laugh because she had a sticker

on her i don't know if i've ever said this to her i gotta call her out for it but for years she had a sticker that said something like my grand dog is uh you know something about my grand dog is like wonderful or whatever and i laughed so hard I was like, this woman's got three kids. And the dog made the car. I got kicked out of the house. The dog's wrapped on the car. My grand dog. Dream on.

Dream on. I love you, baby. I love you, peanut peanut butter my favorite dog oh god so yeah i'm learning this lady but uh she was gonna come visit and uh she would have her she would rather have walked this way than you yep she would i'm not giving up toys that's what i was gonna say i'm not giving up toys in the attic god damn it um so she she had a uh a girlfriend in maryland whose daughter lived in encino and she called me up she said how far is that from you i said you know 20 25 minutes and she's like how would you feel if i came and visited stay with them

but you brought stella to see me i said yeah it's totally fine i'm happy to do that um because i jumped in right away i was like if we're gonna do this then you know well once i gave her my number i was in you know what i mean you didn't hold any resentments i mean it's just for somebody that would you know choose choose the armageddon soundtrack over you i'm gonna camp out for hell i'll tell you that right now ryan get the fuck away so last night i heard that uh um there's a uh aerosmith just signed like a one-year deal to work at the like a right next to the mgm or something so i texted my mom and i said hey aerosmith she got she said oh my god i'd love to see him there she texted me back bruno mars she goes to his concert she loves bruno mars i get that i don't know well steven i mean but again ste Steven Tyler is like her age. That's her fucking height. You know what I mean?

That's her Pearl Jam. You know what I mean? Whatever your high school shit was. That's hers. She's going to knit one of the onesies for Stella that Ryan stunted up and put it out to her. She went to Woodlawn. That's where her and my dad met. Woodlawn, where the cereal takes place.

I think it was Woodlawn with cereal. But she went to Woodlawn High. That's where she and my dad met woodlawn you know where the cereal takes place and i think it was woodlawn was cereal uh but she went to woodlawn hide that's where she and my dad met but anyway uh so she wants to come visit and i said yeah sure and then the plans fall through and she said well she's actually not going to visit now how would you feel if i came to visit and i said just give me a where are you staying with us yeah so give me a couple days on that and let me get back to you. And I knew I was going to say yes, but I really had to think about it. And so I agreed. And one of my friends, she said, how long has it been since you slept under the same roof as your mom? And I was like, oh, that's a good question.

Because I've seen her at these parties and stuff. But under the same roof, I was like since I was 18. Good God. 18 was the last time. No. Yeah, it was 18. Yeah. What I'm curious still is why did she not want y'all?

Well, so I'll get to that because I asked the same question. So she comes and she visits and she stays from like thursday to monday so it's quite a while and i thought about getting at it right away and then i've talked to some people about it and they were like you know what don't do it right away just have fun and enjoy it and when the moment's right then you know then you hit it but i wouldn't do it right away because it could set the tone all the wrong way and this is a lot of time to spend with somebody that you haven't fucking spent more than i'm not kidding you two minutes with in in almost whatever 25 20 years sure so she came out we picked her up she was stoked i mean she just she loves stella she loves stella um and then we went we did like i think first we did uh disneyland and i'll tell everybody out

there and this is probably applies to all these parks but she found a loophole because she wanted one of those motorized carts you know Oh, to get on the rides first? Dude, that is front of the line access. Those carts and everyone with you. Did she really need it? Well, she at the time was 71 and she needed it but not for

the whole day. You know what I mean? She would ride the cart. I was behind her doing fog hat videos playing that that, watching these rides. Slow ride. That's what I did. I'm back in the saddle again. That's the one I'm going to do now.

I'm going to put some Aerosmith to it more. Talking about things that nobody wears. I got a cart mom too, though, man. So anyway. Ain't nothing wrong with having a cart mom. No though, man. So anyway. Ain't nothing wrong with having a cart mom. No, they need it. I mean, look, she doesn't, you know, just, you don't need to be, just because you don't need to have to have the cart 100% of the fucking time.

You know, she could walk a little bit, but then she's going to need it. So she's just got to fucking. She's got to wait for Space Mountain. She's got a nice one. That umbrella and everything on the motherfucker. And who do you know wants a ride on it? Stella's all up on her lap. Oh, yeah.

That's how you connect with a kid. Go ahead. Let her steer it. Give her an adult big wheel. So we do that. You know, we go to Legoland. And this one moment. So my buddy, Jim Grindstaff, he's one of my best friends.

We've known each other since we were 14. He happens to live out here in Southern California, completely completely out of the business but we're like brothers and this dude went through a hell of a divorce too he's a single dad his daughter's two years older than stell they're like best friends it's our staycation we go down and see him in temecula right and you've met him i'm sure you've met him and um so we're all at lego land and he knows he's known everything he lived it with me uh i'll tell you a story about that hold on uh with him on the porch so we go to legoland and i i and he comes to do i hit him up and i was like dude please will you please come my mom really likes him yeah and i was like just come and be that buffer so i don't have to constantly make small talk the whole time. You know,

you can fill some gaps and shit like that. So he did, of course he did. Just a buffer. Yeah, that's definitely a buffer situation.

Yeah, it's a little cush. And he did. He got quiet and he was like, so, what's your favorite album by Aerosmith?

Which one do you like? Just get it done. See that new Bruno Mars and Carded b music video so um we're getting on this one ride it's uh it's like hercules or some shit at at at lego land and it's one of those rides where it's a it's just a four person two people in the front two people in the back a little cart and it's like you're getting ready to go in or aladdin or some shit you're getting right and these those those big barn doors open up you know and go in and my my daughter and his daughter get on right away and my mom happens to be up close to him she

goes like i'll sit with him so she sits in the back seat and then the guy tells us we can't get in the cart next because there's someone ahead of us but we're going to get into one after that yeah two back two back and then that fucking door start to open up. You just see these big, like, you know, like snake eyes in there. And I'm like,

mom, watch them. Watch them. And I look at Jim and I go, and not like you watched your fucking kids. Dude, we were laughing so hard all the way through. She had to take her,

she had her, she had her earbuds in. She was like, wait, what was that? Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm listening to a Steven Tyler podcast.

24 grand gold. Doesn't your son have one? I don't know. I'm listening to Steven Tyler talk to Bruno Mars right now on the Aerosmith podcast. So we're dying laughing because I was like, Jimmy, our daughters, I don't know what the fuck's about to happen with them in there. Who knows? laughing because i was like jimmy our daughters i don't know what the fuck's about to happen with them in there who knows so that was like a sunday night and she had one more day and i finally i knew stella would be exhausted and we had a good two and a half hour ride back from san diego i

gotta stop because i'm a factor five you know every hour and a half i gotta stretch those legs gotta put the compression pants to work i only fly with compression pants i only fly with those so um she of course she fell asleep before we were basically out of the park and i just had two and a half hours of straight up you know what what the what happened yeah you know and i told her i said i feel like you've been waiting because she would stay up late at night and she would just sit there quietly on the couch and wouldn't say anything and i knew she was waiting for me to bring it up and i said that i said i feel like you've been waiting for me to bring this all up and she's like i have you know and i said well that's one of the things i've always resented is i've always had to be the parent in our relationship when i was the kid and

she's like you're right you have so yeah i just started in on i was i my first question was like why'd you hate me like what did i do to you and she just started bawling she's like i never hated you and i'm like you obviously you know if we just run down to res you know i've always had sweet emotion for you i've always i've always dreamed on about you i said he's running that way but I want him to walk this way you think I don't want to miss a thing

you think I don't want to miss a thing you can dream on cause I have been walking this way and in my heart, Jane has got a gun.

You're so jaded. From the deep flame. I'm dying. So, so uh the whole way back i go back to the beginning like you've openly admitted to disliking me since i'm four uh no what the fuck happened and the the thing i can say is that i didn't get i didn't get everything I wanted. Okay, now, not to shift this to the Rolling Stones from Aerosmith, but I got what I needed. What she would say a lot of times was, and I saw it coming,

and I'm just going to be open and honest about everything. I was like, you know, I never brought up my dad, which was interesting. She brought up cheating on my dad. And I was, I, because I had committed to keeping it to about us. I wasn't going to bother with, you know, anyone else's relationship. It wasn't my business. I wasn't going to bring up my dad. She brought it up.

So once she brought that up, I was like, let's go ahead and tally that up. But real quick, I want to go back because I want to tell you this quick story about Jim Grine Staff, who I was telling you I love. So he's been there for all of it. So this one time we're sitting on, this is when, this is right, the place she kicked us out when we turned 18. We graduated and she kicked us out. And we were about to throw the mother of all fucking parties, July 3rd, 1991. All right, 4th of July Eve. And we were getting ready in about a week or so before that i'm sitting on the porch with jimmy and um my brother had peeled the you

know the rubber that goes inside the screen door and it holds the screen and we would peel that out to get the corner out so we could reach up and unlock the door and shit like that if the screen so my brother had done it i knew he did it because he told me he did it and my mother came home and she just didn't like me it was whatever happened it was my fault whatever and she's like you broke the screen i go i didn't break that screen derrick broke you know he broke the screen you're paying for it i didn't break the screen i don't give a shit you know going off on me and poor jim's just you know he's just sitting there you know what the she's screaming out we're outside you know on this little i say porch we had a driveway that was gravel and it wasn't longer than 10 yards if that and this porch was basically a square that you stepped

up onto before you went in this house which was a duplex anyway i say house it was a duplex and uh she's just going off you broke this fucking screen i'm like i didn't break the fucking screen she's like you broke it and i picked that skin jim's just sitting there i picked that screen up i say yeah oh i bet that bitch up into like a little ball and i threw it on the ground i I said, now I broke the screen. Now I'm going to pay for it. And I sat down and Jim went inside. To this day, he's still like, dude, you broke that screen over your head.

I couldn't take it. Grabbed it off. I couldn't take it, dude. So, like I said, I didn't get what I wanted, i got what i needed she kept saying well i don't remember that i don't remember that and i started from four and i walked her through the floor plan of every home we've ever lived in she could knock it over i mean from the one in texas when we were there for around i think we were there when we were age four for not quite a year i walked her through i go we had mcdonald's bed sheets and curtains she's like you did i was like who who the fuck buys our kids i go there were these

baseball players these bronze ones with a little bit of orange on one and blue and she's like oh my god i got you you went right this way and through the dying i did she bought mcdonald's curtains yeah with their little like nuggets or something like what the fuck dude it was all the characters remember when the characters were big they would give plates remember you get a pillow shut those grimace curtains god damn it i got you some hamburger blackout curtains and uh what's that fucking the chicken guy it was all those characters she probably made them um yo grab my mayor mccheese so we did that mayor mccheese

and uh i will and she just was blown away and i said you know that that house on iron gate that's the house i've told where my dad bought the christmas trees and now they tower over that thing i said that was my favorite house she's like that was my least favorite house i was like yeah it's the one you ruined everyone's dreams in no wonder was your least favorite that's where we were all hopeful like yeah i was like it was the best fucking house that was the best one that's the house i talk about where i snuck down and my dad let me watch busting loose richard pyre with him like that was the fucking house that's the best that house was the house and um you know since you kept saying well i don't remember that and she's like i left you kids

alone i go mom you want to call not only the kids their parents are all still alive you left you abandoned us monday to sunday you came home you did laundry on sunday yelled you took meatballs to somebody else we couldn't even have the food in the fridge. Don't eat those meatballs. They're for somebody else. She would say, we're fucking starving. Like, what? So she would split. And then we'd just be left alone for the entire week again to just, we're 16. My brother is 13.

We're getting each other to school. We're doing all this. So I went along with it. I was like, okay, you don't remember that. What about that? I don't remember that. What about that? She had her dates all wrong. I think dates all wrong blacking it all out or she does or she knows or

and she just doesn't want to when you're just reminding her of all the shitty stuff that she did well i think that it's a it's probably a little bit of both i think there is definitely some that she is has blacked out and blocked out um i also think there's some she doesn't want to admit to because she realizes how bad it was you know what i mean and god why would i say that but what she said to me was look i i can't say i remember all this stuff but i know you're telling me the truth i know that what you're saying i did i'm just telling you i don't recall all of it and i said okay i said well what about the time do you recall tell me if you recall this when uh you went to court and i saw her body change and i said and

and the judge was a lady and she asked dad what he wanted and he said well i want my kids i want all my kids and my father told that woman like if you think it's best for, you know, because she's the mom, if you're just going to give her custody, then I think it's best for these boys to be together and not split. It doesn't do them any good, and this is what should be best for them. And the judge said, okay, and then asked my mom, and my mom said, I want Todd. Derek can come with me if he wants, but I don't want the honeydew.

You can take that, get that shit out of here. I'll take some more of those nasty-ass purple grapes. I'll take the cantaloupe. Leave the green, motherfucker. And straight up said she didn't want me. And I said the judge was so bothered by that that she gave dad full custody and made my mom pay my father child support in 1989. I said, do you remember that?

And she goes, I remember that. I go, okay. So let's start there. If you remember that, if you remember telling the state of Maryland that you did not want me, what makes you think things were cool and good? Like what parent would say, I don't want this kid to a court if things were good. So once I went along with it, that shifted everything. And then I was able to ask her everything. Like the old man that we call him the old man, but that old dude that she brought up. She cheated on your dad with?

Yeah. And I'm like, you know, I said, look, I've never wanted to give you credit because I just didn't like you because of the way you treated me. I said, but you were an attractive woman. You could have done better than that, dude. What the fuck? Like, why that guy? You know what I mean? Like, if you're going to cheat on dad, what the, that guy?

She's like, dude looks like a lady. I said, what are y'all having, love in an elevator? Come on. That dude looks like a lady. It's so good. oh god oh shit that's what i'm talking about laughing at all of it so um i yeah i was like why that guy you know like you were a good you're in your 30s i think at the time like what the fuck that guy was so much older so but you know now that you're older you don't know what the fuck anybody's going through like so and i never really resented her for splitting with my dad like i and i didn't know if she knew that or not i was like i kind of get that you know like especially now i wish my father was

alive because i'd ask him like how the fuck y'all do twins and stuff you know what i mean like that's a lot and i think that honestly especially if she's not into it well i mean if she she wasn't into the second twin which is me you know what i'm saying she had the strawberry oh strawberry oh something's coming out honey she take the twirl not the end so um you know i got to ask her everything everything i'd wanted to be to ask like and again i didn't get all the answers i wanted but i got to ask all the questions i wanted and i went all and then when we got when we got home i put stella to bed that was two and a half hours and i was like we're not done and i took her out on the balcony and i said look i'm fucking 44

years old or whatever i was and i was like i smoke weed and i fucking pulled out a joint and i was like we're not done talking i sat there and blew weed all over her for another two hours. And I was like, why'd you cheat on dad? So it was very, I mean, it was beyond therapeutic. Therapy is what you work for that in therapy. I'm fortunate to actually have gotten that opportunity, you know. Oh, to work through all that stuff? Well, yeah.

I had a, you know, with my dad, I had the same thing. But my dad got sick, and he had the aneurysm in his heart. I had a month before he died, and we got to talk, and it was just like, he died a month after he had the aneurysm. But that month, I got so much shit out because i think it like changed him and he was like i'm proud of you i'm done this and it's just all the shit i needed to hear and now it's just like now i haven't gone it's just like well i got my answers it's a good way to end it so i know what that feeling's like it was great and now but you know you'd be naive to think that for you obviously he passed so there is nothing else but i'd be naive to think that for you obviously he passed so there is nothing else but

i'd be naive to think that that's all i need to do right now so now the real work begins is you know it's funny i don't i think and i really believe this like comedy uh be both stand up and absolutely the crab feast worth our therapy there to have the outlet of the crab feast and not just crab feast i shouldn't say that because i've been on aisha tyler's podcast and talked about my story and stuff it's just been podcasting i would say in general specifically mine of course but uh to have that outlet every week but um it's been very therapeutic to to talk about it so i being able to turn all those stories when i was at that time i was furious and angry and wanted to you know hurt people and you know just lost

and now we sit and laugh at it i feel like all having gone through into comedy and dealing with it that way with laughter i mean you know obviously you cry too but mostly laugh because we're gonna sit there and ball all the time there's an angry i mean this is therapy in a sense dude it's a hundred percent it's where when every time i've done the feasts and i would just take all of those stories the shit that like that i wore that wore me down and made me look down on myself and then to be able to say them on air and make fun of them right and then they become a positive thing yeah it's you get to talk it out um so I think being able to then talk to her about them I felt like the sting and the pain

and the thunder had been taken and converted to something else, you know what I mean, which was laughter and healing. But, you know, I told her, you know what I do, you got to take it. I mean, I know she's stoked that we're here at your mom's house studio because Tom Segura's our favorite comic. It's her favorite comic. I mean, it's Tom Segura. I told her, this is exactly what I texted her, and I texted this to Tom too.

It goes like this. Steven Tyler, Bruno Mars, Tom Segura, my brother's dog, exactly what i texted her and i texted this to tom too this is it goes like this steven tyler bruno mars tom segura my brother's dog meet somewhere then her kids and i'm not even at the top of the kid i'm sorry grandkids there goes grandkids there's grandkids you're so low then there's two four five and one on the way. Six of those. And then probably Todd Derrick. The big chunks of honeydew at the bottom of the bowl just sitting there all in everybody else's fruit juice, water drip. Like, get your juice off me, pineapple.

God damn it. They ain't going to eat me now. They got pineapple juice all over them. I would put Old Bay on some honeydew. So, yeah. I mean, and obviously there are so many stories. I told you, like, you know, it would be back and forth between when they first split up. So we were in that house I liked a lot. And my grandma, my dad's mom, used to come over all the time.

And we'd push our twin beds together. And she'd lay in the middle and my brother would lay on one side and i lay on the other and um she would just make up stories and tell us stories and we would just be like tell us that one again she's like she would just and we would just laugh and laugh and laugh and i remember the night that with your grandma yeah okay she was there the night they decided to sell the house so we didn't know what was going on but we knew since after you've been kicked out and after your dad this is no no no this is we're going back to my so we started in the city and then just obviously the twins they had twins me and my brother and then we they move out to a place called winfield in carroll county there for a hot second and then my dad gets transferred to houston for again a hot

second and then we come back to maryland and we live in in eldersburg okay and how old were you in houston four just for a minute and then we go live in this house this house being the one i told you was my favorite 799 iron gate circle and um that's when it was about third grade we started just seeing these crazy arguments and stuff we didn't know you know what was going everybody's trying to protect you but sooner or later you can't hide it you know someone loses someone in their lose you know you're when you're doing that kind of shit you're you're hoping a lot of people keep their cool with somebody there's a wild card in there. Yeah, sleep with that old man. You know, it's one of those, you know.

And we were like, what? Too deep. Christmas is still coming, right? So that's when everything shifted around that time. And, yeah, we had to get out of that house and then when we got out of that house we went with my mom for sixth grade just for sixth grade we moved to westminster okay and in westminster we lived this is when we lived and it was a hallway it was a just a hallway and it had rooms cut off of oh is it a trailer no it might as well been it was an apartment building that was one two

three four units two on the bottom two on the top and then the same thing and then there was this this little uh common area in the middle and i say common it was just mailboxes and shit and then on the other side was the same formation so you got you know eight units in this this long weird building and when you walked in it was a square for a living room. I mean, small. Was this a studio? No. Smaller than this right here, just a little square.

And then there's a square the same size as the kitchen. And then it's just a hallway, and it had three bedrooms cut off the hallway. That's it. You know what I'm saying? To the left. That was the whole place. And we lived there, and it was just, that's when we got gotten a lot of fights up there like i didn't take shit from anybody my brother was he was kid was talking to him one time and he was running his mouth and i said boy you

ever fucking talk to me like that i'll knock you on your fucking ass and he came over to me grab my bike and just boom put him right on the fucking ground stomped him how old is this this is sixth grade and then he went and got an eighth grader eighth uh-oh eighth grader beat the shit out of me i bet he did he did and your mom came out you see what happens you were living on the edge. I've been wanting to do that. You were living on the edge. I've been wanting to do that to him for a long time, man. Give him another one in the ribs for me while he's down.

Yeah, he beat the shit out of me for that. And then he felt bad about it. He's like, you okay? I was like, no. And I went inside. But I got in a lot of fights up there. And I did good. I did good in all the fights I went inside. But I got in a lot of fights up there. And I did good. I did good in all the fights I was in.

But then, you know, so my parents decided to get back together, which we knew that wasn't going to work. They were apart for like a year. They decided to get back together. What made them want to get back together? Obviously, it wasn't you guys. Or was it? Well, it was for my father.

You know what I mean? It wasn't for her. You know, it's a good question. I don't know. I'll ask. But they decided to get back together. So we've gone from Queensgate Road, which is West Baltimore where we started, to Winfield, to Houston, to Iron Gate, to Westminster, and now we're going to 2nd Avenue in Sykesville, right?

And they got back together. But my mom was – and I told her i remembered it that that that old man the guy she she cheated on my dad with he his place he built it by hand he was dirty it was just he was nasty and he just had this distinct smell and i can't describe it i wouldn't i wouldn't quite call it moldy but it had a pungent odor and it was distinct you knew this is him this is his home his clothes yeah you know so um herbert got kind of a tang like when you smell him god damn i don't really smell you so much as to taste you. You know what I'm saying? You got that pungent.

Is that cologne? Motherfucker smells like shrimp and cedar. So there's this one time, and I got to ask her. This is what I was saying. This is amazing. I got to ask her because I said it was seventh grade. It was that next year. And I said, you were supposedly trying to work it out with Dad.

And I said, I remember it was something like he asked you to bring toilet paper home. And you did. But the toilet paper wasn't in, like, the whole Charmin pack. It was one of those. Individuals? Yeah, it wasn't an individual roll. I steal those from my gym. It was an individual pack, not a roll.

Like, when you get those, like, it's 20 rolls equals 96 rolls. You know what I mean? But it was one of those four packs within the bigger pack, and it was just clear. It was just clear. And it smelled like his place. I knew it did. It laughed. I told my father.

I said, my dad never spent time. I ain't wipe my ass with this toilet paper never spent time down there we did my mom would bring us with her when she would go see this dude and make us go play outside and shit which we can get to so i smell it and i tell my dad i'm like she's still seeing that dude and he's like how do you know i was like that toilet paper's from his house it smells like his house dad so the case cracker fast forward to just whatever two years ago i said to her i think i don't know smell the paper smell the toilet paper i know where this is from paper where'd you get that shaman at you keep pissing me off i'm gonna go jayden gotta go

i'm gonna call jayden oh you living on the edge so i'm gonna put you on a permanent vacation i asked her and she said she was seeing him it was from his house so they sort of just really are split for i'd say another year and a half they're going back and forth he's working all the time and then so he finally gets her out of there and that's when like he buys her out of the house my dad and they go to court and that's when my mom says she doesn't want me and all that so now my dad's got custody pays her out for her half now it's done

it's what we've always wanted it's what we've been waiting it's what she's wanted my dad's got all of us she's gonna pay child support and she can see the kids or kid she wants to whenever she wants to it's done it's awesome everything's great i go to europe i play soccer for the u.s for a summer i was you know as we all know i'm all juco play and uh when i come back my dad was sick at the time he's in the hospital and then his health just started deteriorating from there and uh what was he sick with i don't remember what he was in that time for i really don't i just remember because we were literally flying back from uh i think we came out of holland and we landed in jfk and i still needed to get back to baltimore and i just remember crying because someone's like your dad's's in the hospital. And I just didn't know what – he could have been there for a sprained ankle.

I didn't know what it was. It just scared me. You just heard it. Well, I've been out of the country for a month. I'm 16. I miss my dad. You're worn out, man. I was worn out.

It's like – And we just landed at L.A. – or excuse me, JFK. And these fucking idiots are supposed to pick us up and drive us back to Baltimore. And our bus driver was sitting for eight hours or excuse me six hours on the wrong side of jfk waiting for us and we're just there we're waiting for him so then we finally get on and i remember it was like two in the morning i couldn't wait i was so glad to be back home and so sad to hear my dad was in the hospital and i said to the bus driver i'm like are we going to be able to even see the statue of

liberty on the way out and he's like yep and i go will you please just point it out everyone in the whole bus is sleeping and i was like i'm gonna stay awake and he's like no problem and he pointed out he's right there you see it and i was like yep and it was awesome it was just awesome to see that because i'd never seen that you know and at night so we go back and then it's a normal school start we we play soccer and um then that's when that's the drive when i drove him to the hospital how did that go down well he was just having like like i said some health issues and the doctor wanted to see him his doctor was at hopkins and he said uh and he was the first one to have a honda civic with original rims i think his was a i think it was at 87 and um had that that slanted back

um and i don't know why he picked me he just said i want you to take me to the doctor tomorrow i got a checkup this was just a regular checkup. And I think he knew what was going on. He probably called that doctor, maybe told me it was a checkup. But I think the doctor was like, you should come down and see me. And he goes, we're going to pick grandma up on the way, which is his mom. Grandma was his mom. Grandma DeVito was my mom. Grandma was my dad's mom.

So we, so my, you know, I say, I don't know why he picked me because again my brother obviously we're twins he could have drove too we both had our license at the time but picks me and i never got to ask why or whatever but uh but he doesn't want to drive on the way to get my grandma and i don't think anything of it so i'm then now i do obviously um And we get my grandmom and we go and we go to the doctor. And that's when they say, look, you're having a heart attack right now. Like it's starting. It has started. I always thought at that time a heart attack was when you, you know, you clutch your chest and you drop.

But all the symptoms that they tell you about, you're actually having a heart attack. It's not you're having it. Like it's only it gets bad when you grab this shit you know you want to get in there right away so that's when they were like you need to get over the hospital and i questioned which left to make and i was like it's pretty short it's this one he's like it's not this one ryan but you know 16 years old i'm an idiot so i make the wrong left he's pissed he's beating on the dash yelling my grandmother's yelling at me i was like i'm sorry if he was having a heart attack why wouldn't they call like an ambulance

because we were right next door and they said you'll get you'll be able to drive over there faster probably ambulance would have been no i'm just kidding it was when we we flew right around the block again like i ran every fucking light and didn't care drop them all they're out there already waiting with a wheelchair take them in and you know i got my grandma in the car now she's freaking the fuck out oh yeah we park we walk in she's crying i'm good i'm calling everyone calling my brothers at school you know i need to get a hold of my dad had a heart attack so now it's nighttime and i finally get to peek in the window and i just see them all tubed up you know what i mean it just i know, even if someone's okay when they're connected like that, it just looks so sad and vulnerable and reminds you just how weak and frail we really fucking are.

And I just bawled. I just cried so hard. Like, oh, my God. It's my hero. So he's in the hospital for, I don't know, a week. And I remember during that, too I I actually had sex with a girl and I could have gone to see my dad in the hospital that night but I decided not to I decided to have sex with a girl and I think my dad would be all right with that uh god bless that

girl for that it's a good night it was a pity it was a she felt so sorry it was a death sorry not yet but it was coming it's like no we didn so sorry it was a death nut he was he was not yet but it was coming it's like no we didn't know it was you you oh you didn't know no well i'm saying like but it's people live from heart attacks all the time the best sex me and angela used to say the best sex you can ever have is the is like the the after you like when you funeral fuck i got that i got that yeah that's that's the key dude because you just want to feel something so oh i remember when i was dating brit and like that like she was there when my dad died i remember the first thing i did when i flew back in from maryland back to la is just we had just intense sex and it was but that's exactly yeah so uh and then he gets out and we spend the thanksgiving in highland town

at my aunt marguerite's my grandmom's sister which is like you know one of his favorite aunts like they all loved them and it was just because it was close we weren't going to drive all the way back out sure just get them there we're all with family and everything and you know whatever so go there and then we go home for the weekend and um we don't have school on monday i remember that because i was supposed to go out with this girl that night and it was a girl i'd always wanted to go out with always um and we get back to our place. It's Sunday night, and we got blamed for this fucking party,

some house party while he was in the hospital. It wasn't us. I mean, it really wasn't us, but he got a call with our names attached to it, and he was like, I'm really disappointed in you. I was like, that wasn't us. You know that wasn't us we were there but it wasn't our party like we didn't throw a party at somebody else's house you know that's bullshit and then my mom calls and says she's not giving him his child support

like he's she's going to be late with it so he's stressing out he's not supposed to be stressed you know she calls him with that bullshit i know he didn't care about that party thing but that was just his his way of of putting us in check was always to say he was disappointed because then he knew we wouldn't do it again he just knew we wouldn't he never punished or any of that shit so i don't know why i went to bed early that night and i say early midnight was early for me back then and he was still up and he was laying on the couch watching tv this way i could see him and i was walk i said good night and i walked down the hallway and i stopped and i looked back and i stared at him

and then i went to sleep and i woke up with my brother saying i don't think dad's breathing my younger brother had gone to the bathroom and walked by how was todd he was he was 12 and my but my dad was buried on his 13th birthday. So, which, I don't know who the fuck was in charge of that. So, we go in. He's obviously not breathing. And at the time, I've learned, like, he was laying horizontal. And if you were to draw a line across his body, like you were slicing it in half,

blood, you could see blood from the middle of the ribs down. It had settled. So he had passed somewhere in the night. And we were sleeping. We don't know if he yelled. We don't know if anything. We don't know if he could or anything. We just assumed he was in pain. He went to his bed to lie down because his legs were a little bit hanging out of the bed and he was laying back.

But there was blood on his toe, which I thought was odd for a heart attack. Also, you're panicking. Your adrenaline is good. Your heart is beating. I couldn't imagine seeing that. I've never seen a dead person, and if I had to see my father as the first one, I don't know what I would do. And you can't hear.

Your heart's... You don't know what's going on. You don't know if that's... And I remember one of my brothers went next door and got the guy, Mr. Kenny. Mr. Kenny worked at UPS. Shout out to UPS, Baltimore Hub, Primary 1 primary one joe avenue um and also i loved mr kenny that's that goes yeah mr wayne mr kenny miss linda mr kenny worked for the brown he probably still does he was a good dude he's a young dude just bought a house next to us and

these poor kids are bringing him over like it's our dad dad he was like oh god and he was doing everything he's like guys i'm so sorry i don't know if it's his heart or mine it's beating so fast and you could you could just see and his eyes were open so we knew we knew what was going on so i closed my father's eyes uh for the last time and then we covered him up and then i called his brother who came out and we called family and they told us to lie to our grandmother because she couldn't drive and they did not want us telling her that her son died and i was like i'm not doing that i'm not saying and i'm not lying to her about that like i'm just not going to make that call like you all can but i called my mother because somebody had to call and they

didn't want to call so i called and she was at work and I said, mom, dad died this morning. And I, she went nuts. I mean, screaming and freaking out where I thought she'd just been like, thanks for letting me out. She went nuts. Like mad. No, just like hysterical. I mean, every, probably every regret regret all of it just came out and i mean hysterical to a point where a co-worker had to drive her out to the house and she just was

gone like beside herself my grandmother's freaking out because she's already known like he already had a heart attack we're already in the hospital all this shit but she can't drive so she said she told me later she was out on her porch screaming for anyone in the neighborhood to grab her and take her up there so um you know the priest comes in they do last rites and then because my dad had been dead a while they don't take the body of the hospital the um the coroner comes by exactly and they zip the body up so they tell us to step outside on our deck and they close the curtains and i just remember this lady and my mom knows she said to me you need to give your mom a chance and i turned around i was like are you fucking talking to me

about this right now are you kidding me and my mom grabbed that lady and i've never liked that lady since then and i wasn't crazy about her before. I remember peeking through the crack of the curtain and watching them carry that black bag out to the hearse or whatever it is, their little car. They take it in. Then we rode down to my grandmom's, and that's when she had already found out. She was just sitting in a rocking chair bawling and just zoned out like i just dropped at her knees and hugged her not anything she knew i was there um so then

she came to live with us my grandma so funeral happens you know we bury my dad it was a excused absence at school uh police escort. Like, it was big. It was really big. It's so nice. 21-gun salute. Well, I think, honestly, I think they had seven, and they shoot three times. But it was. It wasn't 21 of them.

It might have been three, and they shoot seven times. But, you know, Aerosmith did his little song and dance. It's amazing. And I'm saying it right. Desperate heart. He had a desperate heart. A desperate heart. Tonight.

So, my grandmom comes out to live with us. So now it's November, end of November. It's December. Christmas is three weeks away. And the only parent that gives a shit about us is gone. Gone. Gone.

I remember my brother laying next to my dad, just hugging him and just crying out loud, what's going to happen to us? And I said, we'll be fine. We'll be fine. And then I went to my room and laid my face in my pillow and just screamed and screamed and screamed because I didn't know if we would be enough. You mean 16 years old?

And now we got a 13-year-old brother to take care of because my mom's not around. So we lived in that house from the end of November until sometime in February. And that's how long it took for like, basically we had a choice. There was going to be some money because we were all minors. So, there was a check that my mom would get from my dad's work or whatever. I'm so high still that when you said you were minors, I thought, you guys are coal miners?

I was like, you guys were working that early? So yeah, she's getting this check, or she's going to, but she's not going to get it until February. But she don't want to take us until she gets the check. So the whole time, my grandma, I told you, doesn't drive. We're 16. We got my dad's car and that station wagon left. We're all taking care of each other.

She's just a wreck. You can imagine. Like, I get it now. I used to be like, Grandma, he's not fucking Elvis. Let him rest in peace. She'd be like, don't you tell me. Yeah, it's her kid. I get it. Now you know peace you be don't you tell me yeah i get it i get it oh yeah you know it's like no parent wants to outlive their child my dad and your kid don't

equal the same thing you know and um so we're living out there and i just told this on the last craft he's like i was the we were those kids that people i don't know who organized it or what but they all sent clothes and you know shit from the gap and all the mall clothes and stuff and i just felt like such a loser and such a uh charity case and and i get it no i get it completely and i'm angry that i'm that too because i wasn't that now i feel like i'm something that i was forced to be because some other shit happened so um my mother came over and then we were there again i'm something that i was forced to be because some other shit happened so um my mother came over and then we were there again i'm telling you december three months my mom came over one time in the three months i talked to her about this too and um she's she's known my grandmother before we were born you know i'm saying like they go back way deeper than we go back sure man and my mom

would my mom even said recently she goes your grandma you had a great grandmother i was like we did so she comes over and she's like what do you want for christmas and she asked my brother and then she asked uh derrick and then she said to me what do you want i said i don't want anything from you but what i do want is that child support money that you owe dad I want you to give that to grandma so we can go to the grocery store and get food and things like that with it and she said you think you ever see that money and I said fuck you and that was the thing you didn't say in front of my grandmother and I walked out of that fucking house and when I came back back, I fully expected my grandmother to say, listen to me. That's your mother.

You respect her. She always would say that shit. Nope. My grandmother felt every bit of that, too. And I said it for us. So we then move in. That's when we move into that house. The apartment, the two bedroom apartment.

Me and both my brothers all share a bedroom. We're 16 and 13 13 all three of us packed in this little ass by bunk bed and the closest i ever got to have my own room was a twin bed in the same room my brothers had a bunk bed in that was my room you know yeah and uh that's when we just raised ourselves we were home alone all the time we had parties we and i told my mother i said did you ever get a call from the school that we were late? Nope. Did you ever get a call from school that we were missing?

Nope. I had a 3.0 average. I was on the honor roll. Like, we made you look good. We made you look good. You didn't have anything to do with that. Yeah. So she kicks us out, and we turn 18, and my grandmom takes us in, right?

And we lived with her for about a year and a half. I'm going catonsville i'm all juco and my grandmother drops dead of a heart attack in front of me i'm giving her cpr i'm doing everything mouth to mouth i'm chest you know and you know i've said it before like i wanted to save her so bad not just because i loved her and she's my grandmother but i just felt like man to have that over somebody. I could have let you die. I could have gone five less pumps, you wouldn't be here right now. Now give me the sweet potatoes. Grandma, who's your favorite?

Who's your fucking favorite, Grandma? I breathe life into you. I catch blue air into your lungs. That scares the shit out of me, the idea of doing that to somebody. I was like, I got to do this to my grandmom right now. And I had just taken, I was just finished completing a lifeguard course. Oh, so you knew how to do it. I was fresh knowing how to do it.

Within a month, I was lifeguarding. So what happened was she had walked out of her bedroom. Her last words were, somebody help me. And she went arm side face. I mean, her nose was as black as that fucking case right there. Oh, wow. Her teeth knocked out. And my brother, as soon as I heard her say that, I picked up and called 911.

My brother went up to help her. And I'm on the phone with 911. And they're like, what's going on? I'm like, I think she's having a heart attack. She's not breathing while she's gasping and we'll give her CPR. So I go, all right, I need to do it. She goes, you can't get off the phone. I said, I'm switching with my brother. So we switched. He came down and stayed on and gave him all the information. And then I went up and gave my grandma did CPR until they came and then you know they did all and they throw shit out of your place that just it's nuts they tear your place apart so she looked good when when they after they put the equipment on her she her color came back and I was like okay she's gonna be all right and my brother and a cousin went with her and because he had

showed up and um and she didn't make it she died i stayed back to put the place together and give the police report and she died she died on the way and we were just like you gotta be fucking kidding me like first dad now her and then right after her um the girl it's like my little sister kelly shannon's sister sherry by the way he Shelly. I talked to him the other day. He said, tell him Shelly said what's up. I love you, Shelly. I know you're listening. Shannon's sister was unfortunately killed in a car crash with a friend of ours named Anthony. Emilio.

It was Kelly Patterson and Anthony Emilio. I want to give their names. It always happens in threes. And this guy crossed the center line that may have been drinking and killed them both. Did he live? He did. And so went right from my grandmother in April to Kelly in August. And then my mom's mom, my other grandmom in like October.

It was bang, bang, bang. Were you cool with your mom's mom? Yeah. I was her favorite because my mom, she loved me because my mom hated me she made sure I got that love so um it was just terrible it was terrible time and then we're just lost and I I'd come out to Cal State Northridge and that's when the earthquake hit and I just wanted to get out to California start doing comedy because I'd already dabbled with it in baltimore where i showed you and then um went back and my cousin had moved in the house and this was our home like it was split between my dad and my uncle and we were basically

my dad my two brothers and i and he kicked this out changed the locks took the fucking house gave it to his son who was a gambling addict and within a year the house was repossessed by the bank and it's going wow so we were homeless he kicked us out changed the locks wouldn't let us back in um just i don't know maybe you know when a patriarch or a matriarch in the family dies that's when you really see who the pieces of shit are they come out of the woodwork and they go get everything from the jewelry they don't give a fuck i mean where's the money where's the story how much property of my cousin sydney and my mom i come into sydney and my mom were best friends and when when sydney's mom died uh my mom and i know my mom probably wanted a lot of shit in the house but she wanted this lamp and sid sold that lamp and then they've never spoken

again yeah my mom was like i would have paid you for it right sid just she just went ahead and did it didn't want you to have it didn't want her to have it man it's just people get evil in death they do if there's money and that's what they get really yeah he's a piece of shit so what a piece of shit throws us out and this was our uncle this was all i got you know i got five kids now you'd always say it was all you know but my grandma of course it's her son she trusted him put him in charge of everything and whatever we got kicked out and i'm homeless now when i say homeless i didn't have a home i didn't have a place to get mail i was homeless i had you had friends i had friends i would sleep on but i was the type of dude that didn't want to burden people so i slept in my car a lot i'd go to church

parking lots and and places that i thought were safe where people wouldn't fuck with me because i'm just in a little 1990 honda civic with original rim i was and uh i would do that for a while and then i moved in with my grandmom's sister and this is why i mean i'm so about extended family like my great aunt took me and she already had her grandkids living with her yeah so i was able to get even closer with my and to this day i mean we're super tight there so my dad's cousin crazy cousin gary the guy i've talked about his kids are who i'm talking about we got to be so close and we lost another cousin during the time where i lived there and um and that was right then and there so i busted my ass went to Towson

worked at UPS got out of Maryland came to California to start this adventure and that's you know there's a lot more to unpack in there but that's my story in a nutshell that's who I am that's what I'm about and there's a lot more like I told you we'll be talking about and you know the kind of stuff we would do when my mom would make us go to that dude's house and shit I mean this one time man my brother Derek played with matches he really loved matches and this old dude thought he was going to teach him a lesson so he went out and got a box of like a thousand matches and he told my brother you strike every one of these because eventually he knew derrick would burn himself and think oh i shouldn't play at these matches and i just when i saw him give

the thousand matches of my brother i was like this guy's a dumb fuck dude you just gave how was your brother he was like we were like i don't know 10 11 i was like 12 oh to a pyro by the way he lit everything on fire so my brother sits down and makes a tp out of these fucking things and takes one match and drops it in whoa he saw that thing out the window he came he burned them all like that that guy thought he was really gonna sit there and light up one by one my brother yeah and one time! One time when I was hanging out with this town degenerate named Mike Lynch, we were trying to go up to the shopping center in Germany. I feel like everybody had a Lynch.

They're B-Craft quality. It's definitely B-Craft quality, right? I hung out with a lot of B-Crafts. Robert Drollinger. I think I myself was a B-Craft. You were a B-Craft. That should? I hung out with a lot of B-Crafts. Robert Drollinger. I think I myself was a B-Craft. You were a B-Craft. That should be your next podcast. My family was not B-Crafts.

I just was a B-Craft. You were a B-Craft. I have a B-Craft in me. An honorary B-Craft. I'm a total B-Craft. Reformed. But me and Mike were walking up to Germantown Commons, and we're going through this little neighborhood

after we cut through this elementary school and there's all these leaves on this front yard and I don't know why but like he lights it lights one match and just throws it into the big pile of leaves and we just keep walking and then we turn around

we're like holy shit dude there's a huge fire and then but we took off and luckily when we came back like the fire engine uh was there but it showed up it yeah but it didn't it wasn't bad it just burned away the 48 the great germantown estates fire that might have been an active case i might have uh ah who gives a shit oh past seven years nobody got hurt yeah man i uh that's it i've been working without a net since i was 16 and uh we've got a lot to celebrate and that's what this is about too you you come a long way i've come a long way i mean the first tv show I ever sold was with you. We sold a show together, a series together.

I got cut out of it. I'll say the first one we ever sold. I say the first because there's going to be more. I didn't sell a second one, so there's going to be more. There's going to be more. And we'll celebrate as we go forward, man. So thank you for sitting here and doing this with me. Like I said, this is the first episode. It's just living here so you know what I'm all about where i'm from all that good stuff and you'll be hearing those intimate stories uh

in the in between all that stuff there but um um yeah we're gonna be having fun every wednesday with y'all uh so josh thank you for sitting in as my guest co-host this week of course buddy will you please uh promote you think you have a podcast the 500 with josh adam meyers everybody the music book club uh you can go to uh the 500 podcast.com for all info and i'm at josh adam meyers on all social media fleeced out baby uh i am ryan sickler.com ryan sickler on all social media talk to y'all next wednesday