The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Jim Florentine - HoneyFlorentine

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Jim Florentine! (Everybody is Awful, Bite the Bullet) Jim Highlights the Lowlights of his girlfriend's suicide. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler  SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew  What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail]  COME SEE ME LIVE ON THE NIGHTPANTS NATION TOUR! GET TICKETS NOW! https://www.ryansickler.com/tour  SUBSCRIBE to The HoneyDew Clips Channel http://bit.ly/ryansicklerclips  SPONSORS: Betterhelp - The HoneyDew is sponsored by BetterHelp, get 10% off your first month at https://www.Betterhelp.com/HONEYDEW  Raycon -Go to https://www.BuyRaycon.com/HONEYDEW and use code EARLYBF to get 20% off SITEWIDE! Crowdhealth -Go to https://www.Joincrowdhealth.com and use code HONEYDEW to join for just $99 per month for the first 6 months ExpressVPN -Secure your online data today by visiting https://www.ExpressVPN.com/HONEYDEW and you can get an extra 3 months free

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Another great weekend. You guys are the fucking best. Grand Rapids! I'll see y'all December 9th and 10th. Get your tickets to those shows and all shows on my website at Ryanyan sickler.com the honeydew with ryan sickler welcome back to the honeydew y'all we're over here doing it in the Night Pass Studios.

I'm Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com, and Ryan Sickler on all your social media. And I'm going to start this episode like I start almost all of them. And I want to say thank you for your support. Thank you for watching. If you are watching, just hit that subscribe button. It means everything to us. It's a huge help, and it's free. It doesn't cost you a damn dime.

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And y'all have the wildest fucking stories I've ever heard in my life. It's a show I can't stop talking about when I talk to my friends. I mean, you should hear this one about the guy that solved an 18 year old cold case. You should hear one about the chick with the two pussies. It's all on there. It's five bucks a month. If you sign up for a year, you're getting over a month free and you get the honeydew a day early. You get it ad free and you get it at no additional cost. All right. If I am in your city, when you're around, come on out and see me on tour. Tickets are available at ryansickler.com. Chicago, November

11th and 12th, Grand Rapids. I'll be there December 9th and 10th. All right. That's the biz. You guys know what we're doing over here. We highlight the lowlights. These are the stories behind the storytellers. I am very excited to have this guest on today. First time here on the Honeydew, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jim on today. First time here on the Honeydew, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jim Florentine. Welcome to the Honeydew, Jim. Thanks for having me, man. I appreciate it. Thank you for being here. Yeah, man. Absolutely.

We did an old crab feast that I still talk about, and I haven't seen you probably since. It's been years. I remember it was like- You said it's three years since you've been out here yeah right so i think it was like your kitchen table or something in your part five or six years yeah yeah yeah dude um well welcome please before we get into anything plug and promote everything you want to get out there my new comedy special bite the bullets on amazon prime you can rent to buy it there i got a new prank call cd Terrorizing Telemarketers, Volume 7. Seven. Volume 7.

I've been doing it for 20 years. I haven't grown up. Still making prank calls. That's out. It was recently number one on the comedy charts. It was awesome. So wherever you listen to music, get that. And I do a podcast called Everybody is Awful.

It's out every Monday. And I'll be in Dallas, Fort Worth, Texas, November 4th and 5th. Hyena's Comedy Club. I'll be at the Key West Comedy Club in Key West, Florida. November 17th through the 20th. And Detroit, December 10th through the 12th at the House of Comedy. Oh, the House. I was going to say, that's newer, right? Yeah, they just opened it.

Yeah, a new club, yeah. Because I'm wondering what the – people hit me up all the time about, why don't you come to Detroit? And I'm like, is there even a comedy scene in Detroit? I don't know. I don't know either. I haven't done – I've done a couple of rock clubs there. So this club just opened.

So yeah, that's it. Well, we're going to talk about something that's going to be heavy. I'm going to tell people that at the top now because some people get upset that I don't give trigger warnings. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck everybody's going to say all the time. But you want to talk about a suicide right can we talk about it of course yeah yeah um tell me everything i had a girlfriend you know uh well first of all i grew up catholic so you know my mom's side's not a thing it's not a thing but also you know i come from a family of seven kids my mom basically was always like trying to save people that was her thing she

was super religious she could have been like the next mother theresa she would just take people in off the street anybody let's take care of them so that's all i knew so when i said you got to take care of people you got to have empathy if they're damaged you know try to fix them basically and how old are you at the time you're dating this this girl uh mid 30s okay so i i i meet girl. She was in a lot of trouble, craziness, just some shady shit going on in her life. And she's like, can I stay with you for a little bit? I'm like, yeah, sure. And then basically she never left. Adopted, foster homes, molested, just a horrible, horrible childhood. Awful. I felt bad for her. So I'm my guy can't you know she didn't have anybody to go to no family no nothing so i'm like yeah stay with me we became boyfriend and

girlfriend together for six years oh wow okay yeah we're six years in you know i just like i knew she needed she didn't have anybody else so i'm like she's just she really had nobody else nobody else i mean the adopted family kind of like turned on her she you know she didn't know who her real parents were and all that stuff but you had you know she didn't know who her real parents were and all that stuff but you had you know depression issues and all that i knew that going in you know and you think you could you could solve that you think okay i could fix this somehow how old was she she was i was 35 she was probably like 25 26 somewhere around there so i mean really young yeah just like a little girl you know what i mean i just i really

felt i just felt bad and you're raised to to not turn your back on people don't turn your back and my mom and my whole family took her in because i was gonna ask yeah oh yeah they loved her yeah all right so your mom sort of gave her a support system and all that of course and she was like wow i really i finally have a family okay and i was like well how can i and i knew it wasn't ultimately the right you know relationship but i like, what am I going to do? I throw this girl out on the street. You know what I mean? She finally feels like she's part of a family.

Now, let me ask you, because I'm sure that guilt's playing on you too, but why did you know it wasn't the right relationship? Because just whether it was bipolar or depression issues up and down, the highs and lows, the craziness. It wasn't sustainable. It wasn't sustainable. And I'm a low-key, mellow guy. I don't need that craziness in my life. Hey, fucking man. And then all of a sudden it comes in.

Stop yelling at me. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Stop yelling at me. Yeah, I don't want any part of that. And it was something like, man, this is- Was she on meds or anything like that at the time? Off and on here and there. So I'm like, man, this is- Was she on meds or anything like that at the time? Off and on here and there.

And it got to the point maybe, I don't know, year four or five, she was like, she always mentioned, I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again. She would. Oh, yeah. But when you don't know anything about suicide, it's almost like you think it's a cry for help. Like, oh, they're just saying, I wish I could just kill myself and And then I get off to worry about anything. And you're like, come on, you know, why everybody loves you. That's why would you say that people care about you,

but they don't want to hear that. And that's actually a sign when people actually start talking about it. You think they're just looking for attention, but that means they're really thinking about it. And I didn't know at the time, I had no clue. This is something they should teach everybody, you know, a friend or whatever like that, because you think, oh, see, they need attention again. What is it now? Whatever. But meanwhile, they're really hurting inside. So I got to the point about year five.

I said, listen, her adopted family basically disowned her. She hated them anyway. They tortured her growing up or whatever. So I said, I got to fucking- Isn't that fucking crazy? I don't mean to interrupt, but- It's insane. To adopt a child and then to treat them like shit?

Like, what the fuck? That makes no sense to me. It was like this Mennonite Amish, like he was the pastor. So they adopted all these kids, these black and Asian, all these different colored kids, to go, hey, look at us. We're in a community. Look, we adopted all these kids. And meanwhile, a complete nightmare. You see those documentaries on Netflix.

I just watched that Mormon one. Right. Yeah. So they go, oh, they're a pillar of community. Look what they did. They brought all these people together. They're not just white kids. And look at, you know, oh, yeah, they're great.

And meanwhile, it's just, you know, what's going on, the way they're raising them and shit like that. So it really messed with her. So I was like, I got to find your real mom. Oh, wow. Okay. it really messed with her. So I was like, I got to find your real mom. Cause I know, I said, cause I go, maybe she can, you know, uh, develop a relationship with her and then maybe I can hand her off to her and you know, she could live a good life. Now, do you tell her you're looking for her real mom? She didn't want me to, she goes, what if she rejects me again? Then what do I do? That's gotta be tough. I mean, thank god i come from a loving family but

if my mom if i got you know put up for adoption i try to find my real mom and i find her and she rejects me again that's got to be devastating i didn't want you in the first place i didn't want you in the first place so i said real quick your dad was he around yeah he was uh he wasn't around at this point my parents were married 33 years he passed away probably five years before that all right but he was just as all in on bringing people in and helping them and stuff like that? Yeah. Or your mom? Pretty much, yeah.

He just went with it. He's like, man, now I got to buy more fucking groceries. He already had a bar for seven. He's like, now I got fucking 12 people living here. You got to be kidding me. Oh, yeah. He's like, shit. That's a lot of mouths.

And this is before Costco and BJjs where you could buy bulk shit he's like get a kid how many toilets did you have in your house what three all right that's good that's good yeah it was a two and a half i was gonna say for seven of you had to at least have no it was me and my two older brothers in a bunk bed and we had a bed like you know on the floor basically like a cot so that was our room and then the girls had their own room two of them one of them had it so it was you know yeah but it was cool it was we grew up in a great community and a lot of friends all that stuff so you know but yeah he was just like goddamn all these people they're sleeping on the couches this and that my mom's like give up

your bunk i'm like i'm not giving up my bunk come on what else i got to do? So we ultimately find, I ultimately find a real mom. Yeah. How'd you do that? The adopted mom still had a contact. What's fucking crazy is the adopted mom would tell, because she's like during her childhood and growing up, she's like, I want to meet my real mom. I want to see if she has any health conditions,

maybe some hereditary shit. And she's's like your real mom doesn't want to see you she doesn't like that oh yeah man fucking crazy but she had a contact from a pastor who gave her away or whatever like that and you were in touch with the adopted family i we'd see him once in a while you know i feel attention we try to like and she's like i hate him i go let's just hang with them whatever so she knew that she had that piece of paper with that contact on it but she would make up these stories your mother doesn't want to see you she hates you your mother's a prostitute she's uh she had a crash she had a crack baby she was living on the street and she's like oh man like you know and i went to adopt him i go look i need that number she's like no and i'm like i gotta i want

to find a real mom she goes i'm not giving it to you. I'm like, listen, you better fucking give me that. Because she was trying to cover up all these lies. When we ultimately found her mom, none of that happened. She wasn't a crack baby. She wasn't addicted to drugs. What was she? She was a normal woman living in Orange County. That what?

Just had a young baby? She came over. She was Vietnamese. She came over during the war. And the father stayed back or whatever. And she came with the baby. And she didn't know what to do. She was Vietnamese. She came over during the war, and the father stayed back or whatever, and she came with the baby, and she didn't know what to do. She couldn't speak English. The church goes, here, give her up.

The church where my adopted place goes, give her up. We'll take care of the baby. You can see or whatever. So she gave the baby up. She didn't know what. She had to go to work. So you find this woman, and she's living in Orange County. We're talking about uh new york

orange county no no orange kind of oh california oh no shit okay so she's out here yeah and then what do you fly out to meet her you fly out to meet her is and is your girlfriend can we is it okay to mention her name yeah jade okay so jade is she like i don't want to do this or is she then like holy shit you found her i'm all in she was on the fence she want to do this? Or is she then like, holy shit, you found her. I'm all in. She was on the fence. She wanted to, but then she was, like I said, afraid that she was going to get rejected from her. And how was the mom when you talked to her? Was she excited about meeting her daughter?

Super excited. She was. We talked to her on the phone. She's like, oh, my God, you have a brother. You have a sister. Oh, shit. You've got all these cousins. They all lived in that little community. Dude, so here's the whole family.

Oh, and they were all there? They were all there. You know, that little community there. So they were all living there. So we fly in LAX. We go. We drive out there. We meet them. She meets everybody. It was unbelievable. Yeah, what's that like? It was like 30 of them. Like, were you

emotional watching that? Yeah, because I was like, man, you know, because I come from a good family, and I know, you know, and it's just like she finally, it was, you finally – they were waiting for her. So we pulled in the driver. It was like 25 of them. I got chills. I know, man.

It was unbelievable. That's cool. Yeah, so we hang. We're talking. This one, she's showing pictures. This is when you were a baby. I saw she never saw those baby pictures. And then I take the stepdad aside when this is all going on.

I go, hey, listen, this is what the adoptive mom said, that she was a crack baby. She was a drug addict living on the street. She's been working for some local company for 25 years or whatever. All that was lies. The adoptive mother didn't want her to meet the real mom because the adoptive mother was controlling. Hey, I'm not

going to let you meet your real mom because then you might leave me and I raised you. We go out to dinner. Big connection connection like two months later they come to the east coast in new jersey spent christmas with us who comes her mom her real mom the stepdad and a couple of her cousins and sisters holy shit they all came your dad's like how many of them are fun no my dad my dad wasn't around my dad wasn't around oh yeah he would have been like you gotta be fun you're like 12 more well no now they stay to my place now i gotta feed them i'm like fuck it's your turn yeah yeah and they don't want to go to chipotle either you know what i mean i'm living outside

of new york city they're like come on we want to go i'm like fuck this is killing me and then i gotta pay for them my girls like come on don't make them pay they don't have a lot of money i go fine so i'm taking these nice restaurants or whatever so they spent christmas with us you know and then they you know i had a good relationship we come out a lot visit them she'd come to see him whatever like that i'm like all right good she's in good hands now she has some support system around there but ultimately that didn't work either how long did that about a year year and a half okay a year year and a half and did she ever meet her real father no the real father stayed back maybe like japan or something yeah so she never met him so that didn't help huh it ultimately

didn't help so what happens what do you see happen over like are they visiting each other back and forth for a little while they're visiting they're talking on the phone all this other stuff but you know um you know just you know with with depression, you don't know. You don't know. And, you know, when someone's suicidal, it could start. She always said, she goes, I would say it in grade school. I want to kill myself. I'm like, who would say that in grade school?

You know, she goes, I'm in the seventh, eighth grade. I always think that, you know. So it was always there. I just thought this was really going to help it. And she was doing really well. She had the connection. But then, you know, ultimately, know ultimately she you know the highs and lows i remember her talent she told her sister that i'm thinking about killing myself and her

sister called me because i i didn't even see it i thought she was in a good good this is her sister who she's just met over the last year yeah so she calls me she goes you you better check on her she told me this and i went through i go did you say that she goes well i was just having a bad moment i go what do you mean you know i couldn't understand i thought everything was good i don't know i'm still a fucking idiot when it comes to this i'm thinking everything's solved the problem's solved you know as a guy you just want to fix it right it's fixed right oh let's move on yeah and then uh you know one night um she just um she was going to go to a show with me i was hoping for dice at the time it was like a local show and she's like i she was going to go to a show with me. I was hoping for Dice at the time.

It was like a local show. And she's like, I go, you want to go? She goes, no, I'm not feeling that well. I'm just going to stay home. I go, all right. I mean, she goes, can you take your, we had a little dog. She goes, can you take your dog to my mom's house? My mom was like on the way.

And I'm like, well, she goes, I'm just not feeling well. I go, well, you know, so the dog's not going to bother you. The dog's just going to lay with you. She goes, you can't take her? I go, no, it's kind of out of the way. I i don't want because then i gotta pick her up on the way back all right fine so then you know i'm in the middle of doing it so ultimately what my girl did as soon as i left she drove to my mom's house like 45 minutes away and dropped the dog off she did yeah and my mom's like what's going on she was oh jim said to drop the dog off he's gonna pick a later

my mom's like okay i don't know why She goes, oh, Jim said to drop the dog off. He's going to pick it later. My mom's like, okay, I don't know why. All right, no problem, because my mom will watch the dog when we're away. She didn't want the dog there when she did it, I think. You know, she was like, the dog's going to, you know, so she didn't, I don't know. I don't know what was going through her mind at the time. All I know is I'm on stage at this theater, and in the middle of my show, I feel this, like, jolt go through me. No. I swear to God.

I'm like, I almost, I felt like I got electrocuted, like, halfway through the set. I'm like, what the hell was that? I thought it was from the stage, some, you know, shock or something like that. And then when I got off stage, she left a voicemail on my phone. She's like, I got to be out of pain. I'm sorry I'm doing this. No way. Yeah, please don't, you know, forgive me.

Go on, live your life, whatever. I'm really sorry. Just know it's not you it's me you walk off stage and grab your phone because she never calls like a why because i saw a voicemail from her i'm like why is she called she knows i'm working like we were just talking we get home maybe she would text me but i see a voicemail i'm like that's weird i didn't listen to it right away either because i was like all right i was talking after the show i had the adrenaline going or whatever. And about 15, 20 minutes later, I go, let me see what you wanted. And I hear this.

So, you know. And how far away are you from home where this venue is? 30 minutes. Fuck. Yeah. And then I call my mom and she goes, well, she dropped the dog off. And I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me. Is that when you were like, this is is yeah because she's done this before she goes you know and i'm like stop i'll be home in a little while like just not not not like that but she's just

like i'm having a bad moment i don't know i'm like relax i'll be home in an hour i'll you know i'll take care of you we'll be fine so i was hoping it was like this. But then again, when she dropped the dog off, I'm like, that's not good. And then, you know, I come to my apartment and, you know, I found her in this bad bedroom. How'd she do it? Pills and booze. And you found her where? Was she laying in bed? Laying on the floor.

On the floor? Yeah. Face down? Face up. It's just something you never, like I had to give my grandmother CPR and shit and then she passed away. It's just something that'll never. It'll haunt you. That image, I could trace it.

You know what I mean? Like I know you know that position and that still is burned in your fucking brain. My dad died of a heart attack in front of all of us one Saturday morning. We were there trying to give him CPR. I'm watching. How old are you? I was 28 at the time. And you were watching him die in front of you?

Yeah. I mean, my mom woke me up. I did something wrong with your dad. And we all went upstairs and waited for the ambulance to come and all that stuff. And they took him away. And we thought he was going to be OK. And then we go to the hospital.

I was like, no. And I saw that. And then, well well what happened was it was like a few years it was two days before new year's i remember so we were going to go out for new year's eve or something so i remember coming in coming in the the apartment and panicked and i ran into our bedroom and she wasn't in there but i saw the dress on the bed that she picked out and i looked there was a note on it and i look at the note it goes this is the dress i won't be wearing on new year's eve oh jesus oh mike you gotta be fucking kidding me so then i go down the hallway to our spare bedroom

which you know we just had a bed in there for anyone to stay over and the door was shut and that's not normal not normal and then i walked in and she was laying there how long do you know how long she had been dead i don't know did you try to go over and see if she was still breathing of course i started giving her mouth to mouth i called 911 started giving him out the mouth you know they got over there pretty quick and they were like you know listen just you know we're trying i thought maybe she was i didn't know i felt no pulse but i'm you know you're still thinking this has got to be she'll be all right. When it happened to me, I was trying to check my father's pulse,

but my heart was racing so hard, I couldn't fucking tell if I was getting a pulse or my heart was about to explode. You know what I mean? There's so many things running through your mind. Right, and you think, they're going to be fine. My dad wasn't moving for a while. I'm like, no, they're going to be fine.

They took him away. They put oxygen. I'm like, all right, so he's going to live this. this and then you get there like no he was and they told us they go he died right away he was not in pain like as soon as it happened you know but you when when that's going on you you're thinking all these crazy thoughts you know then all of a sudden you know as this is going on you know the cops come this then all of a sudden you're you're considered a suspect right because they don't think of that yeah you know what i mean i'm the boyfriend you're considered a suspect.

Right. Because they don't know. I didn't think of that, yeah. You know what I mean? I'm the boyfriend. But wait, so you call 911, and then the paramedics show up? Yeah. And are they treating her? Are they, like, doing the clear?

Or is she already? They kept me out of the room. I didn't want to go in there. Once they came, I go, she's there. I couldn't look. I couldn't. What I walked in was a nightmare, so I couldn't go back in there. And then the cops come.

Are you crying at this point, or are you just shocked? I'm in complete. Yeah. At first, I was. but then it's just like you're you're you're like what yeah complete shock and then the cops like whoa okay get out get out of the apartment like wait in the hallway and they're like okay so they were questioning me i'm like and they're like hey we just want to bring you you know the local police station when did it dawn on you like holy shit i'm a suspect you know when my family showed up and Yeah, when did it dawn on you, like, holy shit, I'm a suspect? You know, when my family showed up, and they're like, my brother's a lawyer. He's like, he goes, I think they're going to have to question you.

I go, about what? He's like, they're going to have to question you. I'm like, holy shit. So the cop's like, hey, listen, I'm going to drive. You guys, family wants to follow us back to the police station. I'm going to drive with Jim. We're going to go up there. We're just going to ask, we've got to fill out a statement.

And I'm like, and I'm driving. I'm like, oh, my God. Is this? Because they always go to the boyfriend. They don't know. They don't know exactly what happened. She was just laying there. So it could have been me or whatever.

And you're the one who found her. I'm the one who found her. I call. And then they sat there and talked to me. And I said, here, here's the voicemail. And the voicemail. And then she left a note. She left notes for me all around the apartment.

Oh, more than one? You know, a goodbye note. You know, they found that. And then also, you know, and then I played them the voicemail. I said, okay. But, you know, I didn't even know. Like, I'm sitting there with two detectives, and they're just talking to me about this, what happened. I'm like, man, this could, they could be like, listen, man, we're going to have to hold you.

I didn't even know. You're in such shock. You know, and ultimately, they go, okay, fine. And then they knew, you know, when I showed them all that stuff. But it was like, and then, you know, for the next month, I think the police are going to come to my house. I'm like, you know, am I a suspect? But then they said, listen, we found the notes.

We obviously know. She left them all over the place and all that, the voicemail. So that's a whole other level you got to worry about. Yeah. I didn't even think of that, that you're being looked at for possible murder. Yeah. It was brutal. And you're going through legit trauma from the suicide, and now you got to worry about murder suspect.

Yeah, and I drive to the police station with a cop in the front seat with him. We're just talking, you know, like that. I'm like, this is weird. My brother's like, hey, man, just tell them exactly what happened i go of course i will you know it was it was uh it was rough man it was uh kind of show question what's that what'd you do with the dress what'd you do with the notes i still have the notes you have all of them the last ones yeah you do yeah you ever look at them once in a while i will once in a while i will and you know it made me feel better because she's like listen um you gave me the best best six years

of my life and i would have done this way before if i didn't meet you so just know that you know that's actually it's i mean that's bittersweet right there yes she goes to just know that, you know. That's actually, it's, I mean, that's bittersweet right there. Yes, she goes to just know you gave me the best six years. And I'm out of pain now. I was in pain. Just go live your life. Be happy. But, you know, when I read that, it didn't make sense to me. Because you're angry.

Right. Like, why'd you do this to me? You think it's, you know, why'd you do it? Why'd you make me? You knew I was going to find you. You know what I mean? I had to walk out. There's all, you've got a rollercoaster of emotions.

You're sad, obviously. You're angry. You know what I mean? I had to walk in. You've got a rollercoaster of emotions. You're sad, obviously. You're angry. Like, what the fuck? All this stuff I did for you, it still wasn't good enough? Meanwhile, I don't know anything about depression and suicide. I learned that out later when I'm starting to heal. And then, God forbid, you smile five days later. Then you're guilty because you're like, how can I laugh?

Right. How can I feel shame on me for feeling good for feeling good you you feel guilty about feeling good you're like how can i do this when this just happened all of this stuff i mean it was it was horrible well so you're also now the fucking linchpin of this whole thing so now do you have to call her brand new mom i mean not brand new mom but the connection you just have to call these people now and be like hey she did that You're the one that has to notify everybody? Yep. Jesus, dude.

So who do you have to call? Who are you calling? The adopted family. Oh, yeah. I forgot about them. Did they care? What was their reaction? They pretended they cared, and then they wanted all our stuff, you know,

because she had some designer bags. They really asked for that shit? He's fucking, I'm telling you, man. Vultures, when someone dies, people come out of the woodwork, man. That's when you find out who the real pieces of shit in the family are. Absolutely. The vultures come out. They really do.

My uncle took my father's camera. I'm like, hey, can I get a camera? Can I get his camera? I don't even have a dad. Can I get his camera? He's't even have a dad can i get his camera he's like yeah it's a good camera i'm gonna keep it and then you know then i just i'm you know 16 so i'm pissed off about something dumb like a fucking camera right it's more about what this asshole did but and now there's fucking cameras on phones sometimes just gotta wait it out

you know something yeah you just gotta wait my phone camera is better than my dad's old camera. I wouldn't be using that shit anyway. But I remember they were like – we had a little dog, one of those little Yorkies, like the Paris Hilton. And my girl used to always have it in a bag, a little dog bag. And they were like afterwards, like, that was a Louis Vuitton bag. Where is that bag? Me and my wife was like, a Hello Kitty bag from the Hello Kitty store. It was like a $10 bag.

He sold that. We wanted, he's stealing, you know, my daughter's stuff. You know, that was a designer. She met the dog once. Like, my girl brought it up. That was a Louis Vuitton. It was a $2,500 dog bag. We looked it up.

Where's that bag? Like, all of the shit, all these accusations and stuff like that. I was in lawsuits with them. Lawsuits? They went that far with it? Well, because we also own the place together. We're both on the title to the condo that we own. accusations and stuff like that i was in lawsuits with them lawsuits they went that far with it well because we also own the place together we're both on the title to the condo so now they want half your fucking place absolutely fuck that dude really they were coming for everything coming

to everything everything no and there was a there was a thing and then the agreement when we you know like if someone passed away usually you sign it over to the person that's still alive and we forgot to check that box because we both agreed on that i go hey listen if something happens to one of us you know you got the place so you're you're covered i'm covered and we've got that so i was in a lawsuit with them for like two years but i never went back after that day when i found her in that place i told my mom i go listen i can't go i can't walk back in that so you own that condo and you had to walk away from it i said i can't go back in that nightmare where i walked into i lived my mom for a year and a half after that did you really yeah i was like 41 years old

at the time something like that i mean man i said i need to be taken care of because i would go into therapy at the time because you need to be taken care of go back with your family he goes who cares so what's place to be your mom that was the best place to be she was my sister lived with her there was room there and i'm like i need this i need to be around family and friends i was living like 45 minutes away yeah i can't be isolated in this place where this happened i can't walk into this every day and sleep there and forget it i only went back one time when i sold the place like two years later i walked through and that was it and that was even tough to do so it just sat for two years that for two years because i was in a whole thing with the x with the family you know so the lawsuits and all stuff and then we ultimately sold it and they

had to fuck off well i had to cut him a nice check you did oh yeah because it wasn't that check that box wasn't checked so according to law the other family gets half so we had a fight back oh fuck dude i would i would get out of fucking game everything just get out of my life i hear The box wasn't checked, so according to law, the other family gets half, so we had to fight back and forth. Oh, fuck. Dude, I would have fucking gave them everything to just get out of my life. I hear you on that. I do hear you on that. Yeah. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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All right, well, that's get back to the dude. All right. Well, that was the adopted family's reaction. How was her mom? Very indifferent. Really? Not blown away? Not blown away. That's surprising.

I didn't think you'd say that. Never came to the funeral. No. Yep. Never came. Really? After they had just connected and bought? They were on vacation.

So I was like, you know, can't cut short their vacation. For their own child that they just reconnected with, who they missed for all that. I mean, man. So now you know what is the pain that this girl was in, the craziness. She's been surrounded by shit. Surrounded by shit. I mean, you know, they still were in a good relationship, her and her mom.

But for some, I don't know, maybe the mom felt guilty. Who knows? When it's a suicide, it's a whole other death it's not cancer it's not a car accident there's a million different questions a million emotions you don't know how to handle it so i i don't blame her for not like i wasn't mad i'm like okay you're not gonna call me like maybe she didn't want to see the adopted mom all that stuff so who knows what was going on who knows the crazy past so so do you have a funeral you're also in charge of all the funeral shit too yeah god damn dude it's all on you huh and it's funny because she put in her note she goes whatever you do don't bury me in that town where my adopted family's from i don't want to i don't want to be near them please bury me near your

family like in new jersey and i saw that in a note i didn't want to be near them. Please bury me near your family, like in New Jersey. And I saw that in a note. I didn't want to tell the adopted family that. I was like, I can't tell them that. Because we were still on good terms at the time. And I'm like, I'm not going to say that. So they said, hey, can we bury her in our town or the other family? I go, yeah, that's fine.

And then ultimately did. But then I should have. And then all of a sudden, where's the Louis Vuittonon bag where's all this bullshit you know whenever it comes to items or money or all that stuff so i never told them that although i should have but i was like how am i going to tell this family hey listen by the way that she hated you and she doesn't want to be so i just let i go i'm not going to tell them that so she's buried in that town where she don't want to be buried yeah i didn't listen to listen to him. I didn't listen to her. I didn't listen to her. You did a lot for her.

I know, I know. I go, you know what? You can't buy the thousand, bro. I go, I'm sorry if she's mad, but I'm mad too because I got to fucking deal with this now. So no, we'll just, I go, no, I can't do that to that family.

But then we were in litigation. In hindsight, you should have. When we were in litigation, I told the brother, he was calling me, yelling at me. I go, yeah, I'm going to read you right from her note. I don't want to be buried near them. You know, whatever. So he's like, yeah, she didn't write me. I go, yeah, I'm going to read you right from her note. I don't want to be buried near them, whatever. So he's like, yeah, she didn't write that.

I go, okay, yeah, whatever. So they didn't really know how much she disliked them, the adopted family? I think they kind of knew, but they pretended like everything was fine. But they wanted a couple hundred dollar bag. I mean, imagine that. They're everything. I had the same thing happen to me my grandmother dies my dad had already died we have an uncle and his wife and his kids come in they

shut her door they lock it my grandmother's sisters are beating on the door like they want they want some keepsakes and they're like nope they fucking took it all in trash bags drug it down the steps and went right out of the house. And we're like, we're all sitting here mourning the death of this woman. I had to give her CPR. It's fucked up. And here you are coming for jewelry and whatever else. So I remember she had this one fake, it was like a little CZ ring, cubic. And I found it.

And I purposely took it down to my cousin's house. They had like a little cookout or something. And I went there and I was like, look at this shit I found. And they like a little cookout or something. And I went there and I was like, look at this shit I found at Grant. And they were like, give it to me. And it came snatched. I was like, oh no. Yeah.

I mean, it was worth like $20, but it looked like it was worth 20,000. You know what I mean? And they were like trying to get it and everything else. And I was like, nah, and I've never talked to those people ever again. Yeah, it's amazing how they come out of woodwork. You know, look at my family,

like my grandmother died, my mom died. You died you know we we just basically okay this is what it is okay it has a little money you have a good family yeah i remember my grandmother died like you know she had a lot of stuff and i i was like all right listen i don't want an antique table from 1954 i don't care about these 1960 forks that are silver or rare. She had a handicap placard for her car that never expired. I go, I want that. Because I could park at concerts right in the front. Yeah, you can. Anywhere you want.

And I'm in the handicap and I'm hanging tailgate and I can hear when the band goes on. And that's the only time I use it. I don't use it when I go to the supermarket. I understand that. But there's like 75 handicap right in the front of the venue. And that's the only time I pull it out. That's all I wanted. I go, they're like, that's it.

I go, that's it. I don't care about anything else. And I still have it to this day. Do you really? Oh, yeah. Does it still work? It's still, yeah. It's like a lifetime.

It never expires. Is that right? Yeah. So I just hang it. Yeah. I did it 10 times this summer at the concert venue near my house. I'm right in the front. I'm in handicapped.

That's funny. That's the only time I pull it out. Only time. And that's the most valuable thing. It's the best. It has saved you a lot of money. Yeah. I want to be up front.

You're right there. I'm not a spoil, but I just like to hang. And this is where we're going to meet. And yeah, here's the band. All right, the band's on.

Let's go. Let's go in. Cause you can hear it's an outdoor venue. It's a pavilion. Yeah. That's all I want. I still have, and I's on. Let's go. Let's go in. Because you can hear it's an outdoor venue. It's a pavilion. That's all I want. And I hide it. I think a valet guy is going to see it in my glove compartment and steal it.

Yeah. So I lock my glove compartment. I only give them the other parts that it can't get in. Sometimes I'll stick it under a spare tire in the back of my trunk because I'm so petrified that someone's going to take that. I love that. That's a keepsake. That's all I want. It's also a keepsake.

It is a keepsake. I'm like, thank you, grandma. I'm in front row again. Thank you. I can walk right in. Thank you, grandma. That's definitely a way to keep someone's spirit alive. And she's shaking her head like, of course, of course, that's what you would do. Oh, it's so good, dude. All right. So mentioned um you needed to be taken care of all right so we have funeral everything happens and now you go right to living with your mom and you do you start therapy right away does someone suggest it or are you just like i fucking need to talk to somebody right away i go online i start reading about suicide i realize you know it's a lifelong of pain and in that moment they just want to be out i'm gonna interrupt you one second sorry how Right away, I go online. I start reading about suicide. I realize it's a lifelong pain.

And in that moment, they just want to be out of it. I'm going to interrupt you one second. Sorry. How old was she when she finally passed? 30. Man, that's a fucking baby. 30 years old. A baby. Jesus Christ.

Sorry. Go ahead. Start looking everything up. And in that moment when someone's thinking about doing that, they're only thinking of being out of pain. They can't see any other way out of whatever situation. They're not thinking Jim's going to be devastated by this. All these people are going to be. They feel like they're a burden.

If I'm gone, I'm a burden. People are going to be happy. Oh, thank God she was a pain in the ass. That's how people are suicidal. Because people have unsuccessfully tried. I've said in that moment, I just want to be out of pain. I didn't care who found me. I didn't care about anyone else. They're going to be better off without me. They always

think they're going to be better off without me. Yeah. I just was talking to someone. We watched, I saw that, um, it was a documentary about the guy that jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and he lived. And he said, as soon as his foot left, he regretted it immediately. And he ended up just being a lucky one because I think there's only a few that have lived from that fall that fall alone will kill you yeah yeah because it's like i you hit like cement but that high up when you hit the water yeah and i had a friend of mine um he was a i was really close to his brother but he was his younger brother and we were all tight and he hung himself and the thing that still sticks in my mind is that they said they found fingernail marks on his neck. Like he had hung himself.

So when he jumped, he didn't realize right then, I don't want to fucking do this. But he had done it so well, he couldn't fucking save himself. And he died hanging with marks on his neck. And that's what I think about all the time. Like that guy didn't really want to fucking go. No, because sometimes when it happens, someone loses a job or they're going off a breakup or they have to file bankruptcy. And to us, it's like, all right, that's a setback in our life,

but we'll figure it out. To them, they can't see any other way out of it. Right. So in that moment, that's all they're thinking about is being in pain. And I'm doing everyone a favor here, not just me. I'm doing everybody a favor. The people are going to be happy that I'm gone and not a burden anymore and that's what they think so i start looking up i'm learning about it and i found these support groups survivors of suicide it was almost like an

aaa meeting okay so it's at the local hospital right down the street every tuesday night so i start going in them right away for you dude i had to because i you know i never dealt my father's death at 28. i didn't deal with it right away i was in shock you know obviously i you know it was morning but i never really felt it because it was just like i don't know i was in my 20s i just you know i was an idiot back then i didn't yeah i cared about i was doing stand-up at the time three years into my career four years whatever i'm that's all i want i mean i obviously i took some time off but i never dealt with it i said this thing could linger on forever if I don't deal with it right now. So I need to take this thing head on.

So I was going right down there every week, every Tuesday, a nice community. We're talking to each other on the phone and sitting in and hearing everyone's story. And what was good, because you would see someone that came in, their son did it three years ago. And we talk about it, the three years my son did. And I'm like, wow. And they look like they were okay.

And I'm like, I know I can get to that point. Someone nine months, I'm only a month in, someone nine months is feeling better. Nine months ago, my son did. So I'm like, all right, in eight months, I could actually, because you don't think, you think you're never gonna feel better. This is always gonna be,

you're gonna feel like fucking death the rest of your life or what happened so that helped a lot too just knowing that they were ahead of me and what was going to happen and eventually i'm going to slowly start healing you know and then um you know and then i probably like nine months after i used to go on howard stern show all the time no yeah um and he had me in and we told the story he knew her too because i bring around the show and stuff like that. So I told the whole story, basically, and then I probably got 100 different emails from people around the country. The same thing happened to them.

They didn't know how to deal with it. I told my thing. So we had a whole community of us just talking on the phone. I'd go meet them when I'd come to town in Phoenix or whatever. Let's go have lunch. They'd come to my show or all that stuff. It helped me because I was about nine months in. It helped me to help these people at two months go this is what's going to happen

you know whatever or just happened and i never dealt with it i'm like this is what you should do go to those support group meetings learn about it you know a lot of stuff go on the suicide walks whatever you know help raise money awareness and all that you know so that helped me just heal from it too and then ultimately i just i knew i really thought my career was over at that point because i remember because for like six months i couldn't come up with one joke you know i probably went back on tour maybe two months after i'm like i gotta get i you know as a comic you got to get on stage that's my life i got i don't know anything else so but i couldn't come up with any material at all i wasn't going to talk about it was way too soon obviously and i'm like it's a tough thing to

talk about but i just could just had writer's block. I'm like, I'm going on the road doing the greatest hits. I'm like, man, am I ever going to write anything again? And then ultimately to floodgates. I did a one-man show about the whole thing. It was called I'm Your Savior. Oh, you did? Yeah, I filmed it, and it's out there, whatever.

So I did a whole one-man show with slideshow and talked about the whole story and all that stuff. So that helped me get through it. But I can only do it about 20 times I did the show because I couldn't every night after it was exhausting. You're reliving a suicide every fucking time. I couldn't every night up there on stage. I felt it every time.

And I was like, I can't do this anymore. So I filmed it and then that was it. I just got it out there. I was hoping maybe it could help some people understand it because no one understands this. Like I said, they just think, okay, you'll be fine. Cry for help. got it out there. I was hoping maybe it could help some people understand it. Cause no one understands this. You know, they just, like I said, they just think, okay, you'll be fine to cry for help, but it's not, you know? And when someone's like that, you got a friend like that.

You really got to go back to their family. Your family's got to go take care of them. You got to contact the family. So listen, just like an alcoholic or a drug addict, you got to go, Hey man, I'm hanging out with my friend. He's doing drugs. He's going to die. You got to, you know,

I just want to let you know what's going on. So that's what people have to do. And then hopefully the family can, Hey man, I'm hanging out with my friend. He's doing drugs. He's going to die. You got to, you know, we just want to let you know what's going on. So that's what people have to do. And then hopefully the family can, you know, can get whether a medication or, you know, a facility or something like that. Yeah, I had a roommate that would talk like that. And I called his mom and she, she was like, thank you so much. And I, and he's, I mean, I don't know if he's fine now, but he's alive. You know what I'm saying? He's still here. I don't know what torture he's going through or not these days but you know but they can get out of it you know they can working on it and stuff like that through you know therapy medication whatever you know they can live a productive life you know some people that did it and survived it like man i can't believe i was in that bad of a state like i would you know did you um have any of those people

come in and talk during therapy, someone who actually tried to take their life and survived? No, none of that. But I just would watch stuff online about that stuff. And I just want to learn everything about it because I didn't know anything about suicide. What's the thing from going to the group therapy? I think it's awesome that you met strangers out on the road and went to lunch with them and i hear you it healed you too yeah or helped heal you too but um what's the thing that stands out from those meetings about suicide like what's what do you remember most about those i forget the saying it because you're saying shit like people's my son i'm five months in and i'm getting a little better and all of a sudden this new woman comes in she was my 18 year old son just committed suicide four

days ago and i'm like it's it was so heavy man i was like i i stopped going after about six months i couldn't take it anymore it was so fucking devastating to hear these stories constantly coming in never ends you know when you see this mother just falling apart, telling her story, because it's almost like an A meeting, tell your story. It's going to be better if you talk about it and everyone's comments on it or whatever like that. It was like, oh, man, this is, so about six months.

But basically they said it's a temporary, I forget what the phrase is. It's a temporary solution to a permanent problem. It's just temporary. It's going to go away. You know, so it's just like, but in that moment, that's all they cared about. Right. You know? And it's just what they're going through, the

torture that they're going through. You know, look, some people aren't made for this earth. They're just not. You know what I mean? It's just too painful for them. And I get that, you know, but it's like it affects everybody around them. Everybody that knew them and they really don't think it does you know and that's that that's the hard part to understand it's a it's a weird death you know and it's like you know you get a good point but like no she didn't do it because she was mad at you

you know because you were with or whatever it was just that she needed that was it it was a life i remember going to a therapist he goes listen chapter three was the root of the problem you were chapter three in her, listen, chapter three was the root of the problem. You were chapter three in her life. Remember this. Chapter one was the root of the problem. You weren't there for chapter one. And that really made sense. I always remembered that.

I was chapter three. I came along in her life at, you know, mid-20s. And gave her happiness. Right. And I wasn't there in the beginning when all this shit started, you know, in chapter one of her life. So that helps. That really helps. Like, okay, so it wasn't, you know. I one of her life so that helps that really helps like okay so it wasn't you know i'm not the problem right she she was feeling like this from from day one right

you know so so here you are you're a good dude man here you are going to fucking therapy to help yourself to figure all this out for six months and this fucking family that raised this girl's wanting bags in her condo fucking pieces of shit um well i said then that's a whole other level you know now you got to deal with that right so you're lawyers yeah i'm saying it's two years of non-stop so let me ask you this then in that two years you're also a fucking man who needs some love when when do you start dating about eight months eight months and it was weird because i was talking about howard stern i go on the show and i tell my story and then we go to break like holy shit we come back and then howard's

like hey robin quivers to sidekick hey jim's single you're single right because she just got a relationship you went out with robin and that's what that's she's a baltimore i'm baltimore she's a baltimore yeah yeah absolutely so already langs there already langs my buddy he's the sidekick so now now it completely changes we're busting balls hey jim will go see go you can go see ozzy with jim you can wear you know whatever like you know i'm just a heavy metal dude white trash dude from jersey you know and um and they're like yeah whatever like come on why you're single he's single why not go on a date and then at one point she goes like yeah i go come on i'll take you to friggin you know i'm just making jokes to your poultry and whatever you hang on my dirtbag friends watch football on sunday gamble and she's all right

fine i'll go out with you i'll go on a date with you and i'm like holy shit really i'm like all right yeah let's do it and then we wound up dating for i don't know like eight months after that that's how we're friends first it was great because I think at that point in my life, and I think maybe she did, she just got out of a long relationship. I think we just needed companionship. I needed a companion. And we'd just go meet and we were friends for a while. And ultimately, it was a comedy.

And were you able to stay friends after you guys stopped seeing each other? A little bit. Friendly. Friendly. I was on the show a few more times. I think we're still good, but, you know, you never really stay super friendly with an ex. But ultimately, you know, look, I'm a comic.

You're a comic. You just, every weekend I'm working. I can't, and she works during the week, you know, gets up at 4.30 in the morning. I was going to say, their hours are crazy. Crazy. And then on my weekend, that's when they have off. It's from day one.

I had a great girlfriend I probably should have married when I first started doing comedy. And she's like, I want you around. I'm like, I can't. This is when I work. So ultimately, that ended the relationship because I was still like, I still want to do the Funny Bone in St. Louis. I'm sorry. I'm not going to just stop. And I understand.

And I can't see you during a week. If I did, she'd have to go to bed early. So I knew it was going to come to a head at some point because of that. And she was getting frustrated. And I get it. This lifestyle isn't for everyone. No, it's not. Yeah.

And so how was it? How was it having companionship? I mean, that's also different, too, because you're going from, you know, an unknown regular civilian to fucking Robin Quivers. No, I know. And that's when they had like that. I mean, that's jumping in the deep end. And they had like the Howard Stern news crew, the news, whatever, following you around. So they were like, one of the guys like, all right, if you see Robin and Jim together, call this hotline.

So then people are calling in. Ah, shit. Oh, yeah. So you guys can't go to dinner out in New York. One time I had to take her to Applebee's. this hotline so then people are calling in oh shit oh yeah you guys can't go to dinner out one time one time i had to take her to applebee's no one would look for you there no no because we're like down like the jersey shore in the wintertime it's like empty and that place is open i go listen i go yeah fine we'll just go there of course we get spotted in there monday morning on the show

first thing jim took you to applebee's robin come on you guys you see you can you deserve better than that i'm sleeping i'm getting all these messages like come on he's got to do better than that and then i they call me on the air like it's the only place open it's the only place open you jim applebee's you know who you're dating she's got class it's not like you i go i know but i didn't know and meanwhile there's spies everywhere so everywhere we went oh you saw robin and jim they were here they were here they were at the movie all that stuff so and i'm not like that i'm a low-key guy yeah that's why i never moved to hollywood i don't i don't want to hang out with celebrities i don't give a shit i've

hung one before it's not that much fun so i'm not that guy at all so all of a sudden i was getting spot like this sucks i don't want to be freaking paparazzi or just you know fans going there they were here a hotline all that shit so um but you know what it was really i think we both needed each other at that point in our lives i think she needed companionship to get over she knew what you were going through she sat there and listened to you tell the whole fucking story she did she had no yeah exactly and i needed that at the time and i mean that's an interesting thing. I feel like even though it only lasted what it lasted and why it lasted, but you're right. You don't have to tell the story at all. This is a woman coming in knowing exactly what the fuck you've been going through for the last two fucking years with it.

Yeah. Or eight months, excuse me. Right. And she knew me from the show because I would sit in all the time. So she knew you. She knew me. It wasn't like this stranger. I show because I would sit in all the time. So she knew you. She knew me. It wasn't like this stranger. I'm going to just, hey, that guy looks like a good dude.

Now you got to tell her this story. Right. But I really think, looking back, it was a perfect time for us. It was a little moment in time. But I think we both needed each other at that point. We all know the system isn't working. Thanks to CrowdHealth, we can do something about it. Open enrollment is here, and that means now is the time to take charge of your health care decisions.

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Now, let's get back to the do. And have you dealt with any other suicide in your life? No. No? She's the only one? She's the only one, yeah. Go ahead. But, you know, I took a course on it, so I know.

Wow, you really dove into it, huh? It was an online course. Come on. Still, most people just go about their fucking day doing nothing. No, because I was like, hey, man. took a course on it so i know wow you really dove into it huh it was an online course come on still most people just go about their fucking day no because i was like hey man if i just had a friend a good friend she just posted something on twitter the other day i'm friends with her and her dad and she's like i just isn't a facility i want i'm trying to kill myself whatever i'm feeling better i was away for a month and i just we just talked on the phone yesterday and i called her she's like

oh my god are the blue i don't know her that well you know and i'm like are you okay can we talk and we talked on the phone and stuff like that i mean i'm like yeah because you need that you know but you can't say to somebody that's you know you people are gonna miss you why would you do that come on you know that's the worst thing because they don't they don't understand that that doesn't make sense to them when you say that. Does that fuel them to want to do it more? No, I don't think so. Are you upsetting them or they're just not?

But you can't relate. That language just doesn't connect. Doesn't commute. Doesn't connect. You need to go, I understand where you're coming from. I get why you're thinking about committing suicide. I totally get it because that makes it like somebody gets me. Somebody understands.

I get where you're coming from. i don't blame you for thinking that absolutely what you've been through then how do you flip the butt let's let's get your help you know what i mean don't be embarrassed it's okay it's a depression is a disease just like cancer and diabetes you think like i'll get over it but it's a disease i didn't know that either i'm like what are you depressed about come on what you got a great life you know but it is a disease and I didn't know that either. I'm like, what are you depressed about? Come on, you got a great life, you know, but it is a disease and people don't realize that either. So I'm like, you know, go, let's go, let's contact your family.

Let's get you some help. Why not? Don't be embarrassed. This is okay. You know, you have to talk to them like that. Then like, wow, somebody knows what I'm talking about, what I'm going through. That's a big thing.

Instead of, you know, people are going to miss you. Why would you do that to your family? Just making them feel like they're not alone and that you understand where they're coming from. Yeah, you understand where they're coming from. That's a big thing. thing instead of you know people are gonna miss you why would you do that to your family just making them feel like they're not alone and that you understand where you understand where they're coming from that's a big thing like that's how you handle it not the other way which you do which is logic goes why would you do that you're gonna find a new boyfriend you're gonna find a new wife and in a year from now you're gonna be like with somebody else this is amazing you know what i mean like but they don't see it at that moment.

I was telling my nephew at his first crush on this girl that, you know, didn't want me. He's 21 years old. I go, dude, you know how many girls you're going to meet in your life? I go, you're going to think back at this. Okay, yeah, that one girl didn't want me. You're going to forget that girl. You're going to forget that girl. You're 21 years old.

You're a good looking kid. You're in a band. Are you kidding me? Oh, God. You're about to slay. Oh, absolutely. He's like a male model. I go, what the fuck?

Don't worry about it. You don't have to worry about STDs and babies. That's what you need to worry about. Yeah. I go, watch what's going to happen in your life. You go, oh, yeah. I remember I liked that girl when I was younger. But he was devastated.

I go, dude, I know it sucks. You're going to have to go through it. Get through it. And then. And you'll get better at getting through it, too. I told my son. He's 12. He's going to have to go through it, get through it, and then. And you'll get better at getting through it too. I told my son, he's 12. He's like, he's going to sixth grade. He's liked this girl for like three years in school.

And he's like, I asked her because we're going to middle school, like the last day of fifth grade. Will you be my girlfriend going to middle school? And she goes, I'd rather just be friends. She texts him back. And he was crying. He was upset. And I'm like, Luke, luke listen i go first of all

you're gonna be in sixth grade with all your friends at lunch you go all eat lunch together okay do you want to sit at the girl from the table with your girlfriend and her girl and her girlfriends or do you want to sit with all the boys all your friends over there messing around and you're gonna be looking over there going i want to be that that's fun over there you want to sit with your girlfriend because you're going to, you think she's going to let you sit with them. There's no fucking way. He's like,

I didn't think about that. I'm trying to break it down. You want to be fooling around, fucking throwing food, cracking jokes. I go, then also I go, listen,

this is what, how life is 10 times. You're going to get the girl you want. And 10 times you're not. So this is the one time you got her or you didn't get her, but there's going to be one you're going to get. Then the other guy, then someone else is going to get it. That's just life. So this time you didn't get her. Yeah. I was just on a, where are my mom's at with Christina

Pajitsky? And we were talking about, she had a, uh, someone wrote in or emailed in about, um, he's a 23 year old virgin and he has incredible anxiety about not knowing how to please a woman and she's like what advice would you give him and i was like bro you're never gonna please every woman you're not gonna bat a thousand no you're gonna fucking yeah you'd be lucky if you're 50 on it yeah so my advice is dive headfirst into that pussy and figure it out because that's it that's what some people are practice people for for you as you get younger i mean as you get older you know some relationships for both parties are practice they don't work out you learn something from it you move on hopefully you grow be a better person figure find that partner you can work it all out with that kind

of shit but yeah you're gonna fuck up so. It's almost like a baseball player. If they were three out of 10, they bat 300. That's Hall of Fame. You're an all-star. You failed seven out of 10. You got the three. I go, I was looking at it. It's a numbers game. And listen, you're going to meet some ladies

who are like, you don't know how to fucking give a hand job. You know what I mean? You're like, no, let's get out of here. They're not all going to bat 1,000 for you either. There's no way. Yeah. I know, but it's tough, man. When you're growing up, you. Yeah. They're not all going to bat a thousand for you either. There's no way. Yeah. No, no. I know, but it's tough, man.

You know, when you're growing up, you're awkward. You're socially awkward. You don't know how to talk to girls. Insecure. I was all like that. I was growing up strict Catholic. I was, you know, I'm going to go to hell if I masturbate, if I have sex, all that stuff, you know.

So I had all that shit going on too in my head. So. I used to have sex with a girl when I was young. I would take my Jesus cross off and stick it in my sneaker i used to have sex with a girl when i was i would take my jesus cross off and stick it in my sneaker and throw the sock in there so jesus couldn't see us having sex i felt so bad i'm like i'm gonna burn in hell yeah i'd stick and stick the socks in there yeah i put the cross in first and then shoved the sock in just so he definitely couldn't see through the sock through the sock and the sneaker i swear to god i was out my fucking mind. That's what that shit will do to you.

I was raised Catholic, too, all the time. Like, I can't touch my own fucking dick. Oh, yeah. I'll burn in hell. I used to think to myself all the time, I'll burn in hell for this feeling. 21 is when the first time I did it. Masturbate? Yeah.

No. Yeah. How the hell did you? Okay, so I've talked to a lot of guys that wait until later to masturbate. I just, I don't want to say discovered it like I had a lab coat on, but between the summer of fifth and sixth grade, I have two brothers. I have a twin brother. We're fraternal.

He gets his own room. That was my, I got the, originally the top bunk with my younger brother. I was on the top bunk, too, yeah. He was like almost four years younger, about three and a half years younger. And I'm just fucking up there on that top bunk just nonstop. I found my dick and I was – So wait, was your brother on the – He's on the bottom bunk.

But my mom made the mistake of separating the two of us. Like we're twins. We're at that same age where it's all going on. She's got me in the room with my younger brother. I'm up on that top bunk jerking off every fucking night those beds are going every night he just always complaining that i'm up there making noise or shaking the bed and stuff and she put it together so after we lived there one year after that she put me and my brother my twin brother back in a room together

she's like you are gonna go through this shit on your own but did he know what you were doing up there he know and now we talk about it but he didn't know why you up there these beds are going to go through this shit on your own. Did he know what you were doing up there? No. Okay. Now we talk about it. Right, but he didn't know. He's just like, why are you up there? These beds are going like that. He's probably, I remember I used to be on, sometime in the bottom bunk and you put your feet up and push your bunk. Yeah, that's what he'd do.

He's like, shut up. Shut up. And I'm like, shut up. Wow, you did it in the room. See, like I said, I had the two- Bathroom. I did it everywhere I could. I had the bunks and then I had my brother on the cot and down on the floor

and I was at the top bunk. I'm like, I can't. I got no privacy. Yeah, no, I'd just get under the covers and down on the floor. And I was at the top bunk. I'm like, I can't. I got no privacy. Yeah, no, I just get under the covers and go for it. Yeah, I was like. But the thing I have learned. Because I only. They would talk to us about these wet dreams we were going to have.

These wet dreams were coming. They were coming. They were coming. Well, I only had like one or two my whole life. And what I learned later was. I was talking to Dr. Drew about this like I was releasing my fucking load right already because I was jerking off so much so early yeah so I didn't get a lot of them but I've talked I want to say it might have been I don't want to say I think it

was Adam Ray I'm going to just say it if I'm wrong Adam Ray I apologize but I think it was him he was having wet dreams like every fucking he couldn't even sleep over people's houses. Really? He was having them so often. And I was like, were you masturbating? He's like, I wasn't.

So his body was kicking it out. Should've wore a condom to bed. He should've did. He said it was. I was like, your body. So did you have a lot of fucking wet dreams? I don't remember.

I just know. I was curious if your body's just getting that shit out of you. All I know is I remember the first time I had sex. I had sex before I masturbated. No. I was a month away from my 18th birthday with my first girlfriend. We were both virgins. And I had sex, and I had the condom on.

I remember coming, and I ran into the bathroom. I'm like, what the hell was that? It was the weirdest thing. Oh, yeah, because you'd never come before. I never came before. I'm like, oh, my God. And the condom was completely full. I mean but thank god i didn't fucking drown her thank god it didn't burst open like a damn first load first load a month away from my 18th birthday surprised you didn't take a raft home

and i was like what the hell is that oh my god i didn't even thought of that i guess that would be fucking weird i mean i might have had a couple what i can't remember so did a girl give you a hand job before you gave yourself a hand job yeah wow yeah that's interesting and i remember i was 21 years old and i was drunk one night i think probably like making out with some girl whatever nothing happened i was blue ball then i remember in the middle of the night, drunk, masturbating. Like I didn't even have anything. I just started doing it because I was, you know, I had a hard on. And I remember in the morning, I felt so guilty.

I'm like, God damn, what a loser I am. I remember I was DJing weddings at the time. Everyone's going to be looking at me like, what a loser. Can you believe that guy did that? I was fucking that depressed. Like they know. Yeah, like they would know. Yeah, oh yeah, over that.

Like who's going to know? Yeah. Who the fuck's going to know? Right, who's fuck's gonna know right who's gonna know they all do it they all do it i told this story before in a podcast but it's a true story so it takes me like three days to get over it that i did that and then i'm like you know what i'm already going to hell god already told me do it even though i was under the covers and then he can still see the covers yeah he can he can. I go, I went on a tear. I couldn't stop. Within a week, I got bursitis in my arm, my right arm. I swear to God.

So I'm playing softball. I'm like the star player on a softball team. It's the playoffs. I go to the doctor because I can't move. It's freaking killing me. And he's like, you're overusing that arm. What are you doing? I go, I'm a lefty.

And I go, yeah, I play baseball. So he goes, yeah, whatever. But I had put my arm in a sling. From jerking off. Yeah, because I had bursitis in my shoulder right here. How much were you jerking? I feel like I jerked off a lot. Like an animal. Because I never used that right arm for anything.

I'm a lefty. So all of a sudden, I'm doing this. And then I remember showing up for the softball field Saturday morning. So I went Friday night because I was in pain. That bursitis hurts. And I show up in the morning. I go, I'm doing this. And then I remember showing up for the softball field Saturday morning. So I went like Friday night because I was in pain. That bursitis hurts. And I show up in the morning. I go, I can't play. I got bursitis in my arm.

My team was so mad at me because I had my arm in a sling for like four days. From touching yourself. Yeah. Because I just like, I'm already going to hell. So I might as well just keep doing it. I'm done. Did you guys lose that playoff? Yeah.

There were fucking few of us. I couldn't tell them why. I go, I don't know? Yeah. I couldn't tell him why I go. I don't know what happened. I couldn't tell me. I just started jerking off, you know, like a 21. Yeah.

Like I show up. I remember Saturday morning. We're already like, I'm like, I do it. I can't. I'm at home. I couldn't even pitch it.

Oh, dude. It's so good, man. That's so good. All right. I want to, uh, we're going to get you out of here, but I want to, first of all, thank you for talking about this.

And if anyone out there is struggling, please get help. I want to say there's a new, isn't there a new suicide number? 988. I feel like there's a new number. I don't know what it is, but it's like a 911, but not that. Right. It's an easier, and that's a good thing to talk to somebody because those are those people are trained to talk to you over the phone on what to say like i was saying before and all

that stuff like don't do it all that stuff so that you know yeah i mean look people in despair especially with the social media man you get you know everybody's bragging about what they're doing some guy's sitting at home going man everyone else having fun having fun. I'm not. Meanwhile, you know. Well, that's what this show is all about. I'm going to look right here. That's bullshit. It's everyone's sports center. Our social media is everyone's highlights.

And that's what I'm saying. That's not what really is going on in everyone's life. It's one hour. That's why I like to sit right here and talk about what's really going on in people's lives. Nobody's putting a fucking suicide thing on goddamn idea. You know what I mean? Like, we're good. No.

No, because it's showing the one hour of fun to having a date. They don't show them when they're doing the dishes or frigging just, you know, doing the laundry. Or struggling with someone who's suicidal in their home or a partner that just died or any of it. Yeah. So then these people are home and look at wow look at everyone else having fun i'm a loser i'm not having any fun everybody else they didn't invite me how come they're at the show how come they didn't invite me i'm home and because they see all that shit so

that wears on people too you know so it's we're not in a good spot but if people i really think they like they should teach this shit in school you know the suicides forget the stupid math that you're never going to use. Agreed. You know what I mean? Teach this shit. I learned how to write a check. We don't even use checks anymore.

Exactly. Teach them. Yeah, I remember that. That's the one thing I remember from school, how to write a check. Yeah, you put in a memo what it's for. Yeah. Yeah, I remember. Yeah.

Help people. Help people. I mean, it really, you know, so. This episode's going to help a lot of people. This is a great episode. Thank you. I know this is not easy to talk about. Yeah.

No, I know. But I just, you know, I figured, yeah, if it can help somebody, why not? I went through it. I got to the other side. I think you're going to get a lot of love. 16 years later, it still haunts me. Yeah. But, you know, it's like at some point you got to, you know.

Do you ever dream about her? Yeah. You do? Yeah. What sort of dreams do you have? Is she talking? Is she happy? Yeah. You do? Yeah. What sort of dreams do you have? Is she talking? Is she happy? Yeah.

Yeah. She's talking. She's happy. You see her. We're going to concerts. We go to concerts a lot. So, yeah, I still have the dreams about her. Yeah.

Where do you park in those fucking dreams? At the concert, right? Please, front row. Front row. All right. I want to ask you, after what we've talked about now, advice you'd give to your 16-year-old self. Stop trying to save people. You can't save people.

You're not God. You could do your best. That's it. If someone's damaged, they're going to be damaged. You could try to help them, but you're not ultimately going to save them. And that's not your burden or responsibility. You could be there for them as a friend and all that stuff, but you're not going to fix it. You know, there's damage that was done from the childhood that needs to be repaired whether one

chapter one through therapy or something like that so don't think you're just gonna and keep it's it's wearing you know what i mean if someone if you see that it's like you know what that person's not right for me i don't i don't i can't have that in my life that's not my responsibility even though it sounds mean i gotta find someone that's more grounded to where i could have a good life because it's very stressful living with someone like that. So just don't think you could save people because you can't. You can try to help them and that's it. That's all you could do. But don't think you're going to be the savior coming in and all of a sudden they're going to be better because you know what you're doing because you don't. This is great. I really appreciated sitting here listening to you.

Yeah, man. No problem. Yeah. Plug away again, everything, please. as the this is great i really appreciated uh sitting here listening to you yeah man no problem yeah plug away again everything please i got a podcast everybody is awful wherever you get podcasts my new comedy special bite the bullets on amazon prime and then i got a new prank call cd terrorizing telemarketers i mess with telemarketers i'm on volume seven i've been doing for 20 years i've never grown up so if So if you like prank calls and I turn the tables on the telemarketers, it's out there wherever you listen to music. Thank you, brother. Thanks.

I appreciate you having me on. As always, RyanSickler.com, Ryan Sickler on all social media. We'll talk to you you next time.