The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Kelsey Cook - KelseyDew

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Kelsey Cook! (Self-Helpless, Wrist of Fury) Kelsey Highlights the Lowlights of her mother's progressive dementia. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] SUBSCRIBE to The HoneyDew Clips Channel http://bit.ly/ryansicklerclips SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 SPONSORS: How to Buy a Home -Start listening to How to Buy a Home podcast today at https://www.HowtoBuyaHome.com or wherever you listen to podcasts Dad Grass -Go to https://www.DadGrass.com/HONEYDEW for 20% off your first order Mindbloom -Get $100 off your first six sessions when you go to https://www.Mindbloom.com/podcast/honeydew

The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Night Pant Studios. I am Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all your social media. Look, if you guys want to help this show, then subscribe. Just hit subscribe. It's a free way to help the show.

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With Y'all. It's five bucks a month. All right. If you sign up for a year, you get like over a month for free. You get The Honeydew a day early. You get it ad free at no additional cost. And I'm telling you right now, if you know someone or if you have a story that has to be heard, please submit it to honeydewpodcast at gmail.com. Hopefully, we'll get to do an episode together. All right? And if you're looking for a new podcast to just listen to, go binge The Crab Feast. It's a great library. It's free.

It's out there. You got all kinds of crazy stories on there. Today's guest had a wild story on there, if I remember correctly. All right. That is true. Now, you guys know what we do over here. We highlight the lowlights. I always say these are the stories

behind the storytellers. And I'm very excited to have this guest back on The Honeydew. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Kelsey Cook. Welcome back to The Honeydew. Thank you. Definitely check out Kelsey's crab feast episode. That's the original story.

I still get people leaving comments on Instagram, like fuck the crab feast and that's the original story i still get people leaving comments on instagram like fuck the crab feast and manicure tool and all that shit yeah and it's on um this is not happening you did it yeah it's fucking great yeah um well welcome back and before we get into anything today please plug promote everything kelsey cook yeah so um you can listen to this self-helpless podcast on all podcast platforms um i'm on Yeah. So you can listen to the Self-Helpless podcast on all podcast platforms. I'm on tour right now. You can go to KelseyCook.com, get tour date tickets at Kelsey Cook Comedy on all socials. And then my special is coming out.

It will be available everywhere on YouTube March 9th, but it's going to be coming out a little early as well for purchase on February 28th on my website. So kelseycook.com. You'll get a signed poster, free audio album download as well. Love it. Doing a little bundle if you want to do it that way. But it will be free everywhere on March 9th on YouTube. But prior to that, you can get it a week early straight through.

What's your website? kelseycook.com. Boom. I fucking love that. Good for you. Very smart. Thank you. Yeah, YouTube seems to be a good way to do it i mean it depends it depends you know when you have a

show like i have when you talk about women have come on talked about rape well when you put the word rape into anything they fucking demonetize they take it away and so our argument is how do we educate people about this right if we can't talk about this? We've had incest. We've had rape. We've had domestic violence. We've had you name it. Trauma.

We've had all of it. And YouTube's like, nah, we're going to demonetize your episode. We're still going to run ads in it, but you can't fucking get it. What the fuck? Yeah. So it's a little challenging. I'm sorry. I didn't even think about that but i wonder

about our specials like are they gonna demonetize those because of content language some you know that bullshit yeah shit but go watch her special yeah there's definitely some cum jokes on there so please let there be ads on there but we'll see all right let's get into what you want to talk about today because you came with something that was sort of new is it not is it recent um well it's it's ongoing but it started a couple years ago i just it's been a recent thing that i've decided to talk more publicly about it because i really kind of kept it to myself except for close family and friends the last couple years but um my mom got diagnosed with dementia two years ago and can I can I just

ask you this yeah of course what happens when you're like what do they first see where they say no you do have it is it a scan of the brain where they can tell like gray area or something like that? Yeah, plaques, atrophy, stuff like that. So they had done an MRI, but basically how it had started. So 2020 was such a hard year for everybody. And I think if there were things that were underlying with people, they got exacerbated. And so I was living in LA at the time and I had noticed some kind of behavioral changes with my mom, little things, but nothing that caused too much concern. Nothing that I was like, I think she should go to the doctor. It's just kind of like, huh, that's kind of, that's a little different. And then at the

end of 2020, I decided to move back to Spokane, which is where I'm from originally, because things were so shut down here. That's where your mom is? Yeah. And I had gotten an apartment there. I was living there for three weeks and then went over to my mom's and found her face down on her living room floor. Oh, no. Or it was her bedroom floor. You just went to visit and that's how you found her?

Holy shit. Are you terrified when you walk in that my mom bedroom floor? And. You just went to visit and that's how you found her? Mm-hmm. Holy shit. Mm-hmm. Are you terrified when you walk in that my mom's dead? Yeah. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Just like fully, like face planted.

And you don't know how long. You don't know anything. Oh my God. Your mind's got to be going a mile a minute. Right. I had talked to her the night before on the phone and I could tell that she was like not doing great. And I was like, okay okay I'll come over in the morning and she overnight had basically become septic she was like about to her white blood cell count was through the roof and so I called 911

they an ambulance came we went to the hospital and she had a perforated stomach ulcer. Oh my God. Her gallbladder was inflamed and full of stones and she had COVID. So. What was it that ripped her stomach open? So she had been taking a lot of Tylenol Advil and said to help with sciatica pain. And that can cause ulcers if it's going on for too long. So that happened. And so they wanted to do emergency surgery to repair everything. But what we didn't know is that she had this underlying dementia. And when you have anesthesia done, it can accelerate

dementia. Oh, is that right right so she came out of surgery a completely different person what like noticeably like like you could tell completely um she like thought she had time traveled she was oh man like not she was not there she was not on this planet and i gotta say this yeah as a person who just went under anesthesia three times yeah i think i time traveled a little bit i mean yeah well and in fact like i'm scared to say some shit All of these shows because I'm like, do I? You have to. You have to say this. You know, we have to. Like, that's the thing is, that's why I'm wanting to talk about it a little more is because like I was isolating myself and that had become, I think, unhealthy for my mental

health to be going through this in a vacuum and not opening myself up to like, there are a lot of other people who experience this but i'm not ever letting myself connect with people in that way because i've just kept it pretty private i completely understand that as well yeah so um she she came out of surgery and also this was early 2021 so everybody especially in like the covid ward at the hospital, is in like full astronaut hazmat suits. So if you come out of surgery and dementia that you didn't know you have has now gone way up. Oh, man. And you're seeing people.

Like, no wonder she thought she was in. It's like that Back to the Future funny. No wonder she thought she had time travel. She's like, what the fuck is this? This is crazy. So she was so out of it. So out of it. And like there's, I don't know. Can I ask is this? This is crazy. So she was so out of it. So out of it. And like there's, I don't know.

Can I ask you this? It's Maine, it's COVID. How old was your mom at the time? Two years ago. So she just turned 70. So she would have been like just short of her 68th birthday. She was like 67, I think. Are you allowed to even visit with COVID and everything?

Do you have to wear the suit too? Or like, how's that work? So that's the thing is we couldn't visit my mom for the first six weeks. Damn. My mom was in the hospital for five months. And see, I complain about a month and then there's that. I hear things like this and I'm like, shut the fuck up. But a month is insane.

That's so long. Yeah, but five months is five times that. I don't know how that wouldn't make someone crazy, to be honest with you that i don't know how that wouldn't make someone crazy to be honest with you i don't know how that wouldn't accelerate i could see myself if four more months like if i was still in there right now we're not even halfway through february i would fucking be like get me the fuck out of here i'd be losing my shit yeah of course especially whether you're just like staring at the ceiling you're drugged a lot of the time too for the pain and everything as well. Yeah.

And your mom's in there for six, how long? Five months. Five months. And then you can finally get to see her? Yeah. So here's the- I have a million questions. I'm sorry.

No, it's just- Tell me about what you're going through during the five months where you can't see her. Can you, can she FaceTime or is there any way to communicate with her at all? So the first six weeks, they only let me see her one time. They made this. It was like a hospital exception that they were going to let me see her for a day. I just see you at the window like, what's up, mom? We got you on the ground floor on purpose.

So I can do this. Hang tough in there, mom. I forget how amazing the show is for making you be able to laugh at some of these because it's like I was just telling um my friend before I came on here I'm like anytime that I because this is my third time on honeydew anytime you get that thought in your brain of like oh this would be good for the honeydew you know that like life is fucking bad right then. Like this show is such a barometer. It's a shit show. Yeah, this show is such a barometer of like how your life is going.

Because if anytime I'm like, oh, like this would probably be something to talk about on honeydew. I'm like, fuck, this is a tough time. I'm glad you're tough enough to do it, though. And one, because, you know, I certainly have been through my shit recently and I'm going to do an episode about it. And if somebody, and so many people too are taking shots at you while you're down and it makes me laugh.

I love it. I love it. I'm like, thanks for that kick in the ribs, you motherfucker. When I get up, I got one for you. I'm fucking coming.

I got this PT. This leg's going to be bionic. It's going through your fucking chest. Yeah. So they let me see her for one day in those six weeks to see if she would recognize me. It was like an experiment because they thought, well, if she recognizes her and it's helpful, then maybe we'll make a hospital exception that she can keep seeing her. And I went.

And of course, my mom is she was so out of it at the time that like, I mean, she kind of knew it was me, but it was a little in and out. And they took that as an unsuccessful visit. And I was furious because I was like, this is so unfair. Like that's not this isn't a good enough way to measure this. I think like she's on such another planet right now you giving me a couple hours with her is not I think a good test measure this. I think like she's on such another planet right now. You giving me a couple hours with her is not, I think a good test of this, but anyway, so they, they didn't let me come back for, I think it was another couple of weeks. And then my mom went catatonic and they were like, she went catatonic, I think around the same time that their hospital policy had changed to like one visitor a day. Okay. I have to ask you this too. The only way I even know what catatonic is, do you know?

It's from the movie Weird Science. Oh. Do you remember the Weird Science? No. I know I'm older than you. I don't think I, I mean, I know of it, but I haven't seen it. And it's Robert Downey Jr. And they make this girl who's Kelly LeBrock, like this beautiful whatever.

Yeah. That's their girl. And then the older brother is bill paxton and he's they've the somehow i forget how it happens but the grandparents get frozen and they're in a closet and bill paxton's yelling at them or the laundry list all this shit he goes and our grandparents are catatonic in the closet and that's the only reason i even know the word so what actually is it because the grandparents are just frozen in a state of like they're alive but they're just frozen is that what it is yeah it to me doesn't like the

paralyzation it doesn't appear that different from a coma okay we're like our eyes open no no okay um i think they can be i think there's probably different states of being catatonic. But my mom went into a state where she just completely shut down. Her body was just done in that moment. And so when that happened, the diagnosis was like, or I'm sorry, the prognosis was maybe you're looking at like a few weeks. you're looking at like a few weeks because if she's not really able to eat or drink or anything like that like we can keep her on IV fluids but then it becomes a quality of life thing like how long do you want her to be like this so um in the last two years we've thought that we were going to lose her five different times which I know with what you just went through you had it's like it's crazy how frequent those scares can be when things start to go wrong so she has gone catatonic i think three times now three or four times and so she ended up pulling out of that kind of miraculously but would like dip in and out of it and anyway i ended up being in the hospital

with her every day for almost four months. That's the gift of doing comedy for a living is that I just was like, well, I'm just not going to go. Yeah. That's me right now. I'm like, I can't anyway. I thought about it. I don't think I could stand for five minutes right now and even do a set. Oh my God. Yeah. So I get it. You're like, look, I can take this time off and what's really important is this, but this is now covid's finally passed so they're letting you come in and see her they were letting me come in i mean kova was still going on

but they had loosened it a little bit we were so lucky that i mean like people were losing family members having to say goodbye over ipads on facetime like that was that was the only way we could communicate with her doing during those first six weeks and did she recognize you when she talked to you then I'm trying to I think yes but it's been a couple years she was she was just so gone it's hard to explain but she was like not really making any sense and yeah then I ended up being there with her in the hospital. It was like eight to 10 hours a day, every day. I just let that kind of become my life because we thought she only had so much time left. They did an MRI while she was catatonic. And the way her brain looked, they were like, I mean, maybe you've got, yeah, you're truly looking at like weeks, maybe. Weeks, they told you. maybe you've got yeah you're truly looking at like weeks maybe weeks like they were like top maybe like a few months because her brain just had shrunk so much and then so that's when they diagnosed her with it's called frontotemporal dementia so it's different from alzheimer's

this affects more the front and the side parts of your brain and it impacts language, emotion, lots of personality changes, and it hits people a lot younger. So Alzheimer's you see more with people older often. So my mom had this much younger, like in her 60s, and it's much more progressive. So it goes, it develops more quickly. So it goes, it develops more quickly. And just like so many times that the healthcare system has failed her in the last two years. I mean, the things you were telling me. For one month I could tell you how the healthcare system, yeah. I can't imagine years, yes. It's been so disheartening to see.

Like she, right before she was supposed to get discharged from the hospital i think it was like a day or two before she fell and broke her hip damn in the hospital because they weren't monitoring her and like she should not have been so then you're right back in the fucking hospital yeah and then was bedridden then her hip hip didn't, the surgery didn't set right and nobody had ever come to check. And so then it was just like not, like it was not fixable because they would have to do another surgery.

And they're like, we don't think she would make it through another surgery. We don't think her brain would be able to go through another. So now her hip's just fucked. Yeah. I mean, that sounds like a lawsuit, doesn't it? There's so like, there have been so many lawsuit moments,

but I've also had a lot of people in my life that are like, you can't win against hospitals. Like don't even bother. And that's very. I mean, they'll probably bleed you dry. And that's, it's like. It'll be caught up in courts for years and you just, there goes all your fucking money. Yeah. Yeah.

So. And it doesn't help your mom or bring your mom back that was the thing it was like i only have so much that could be yeah you know what i mean only so much time about lawsuit lawsuit but but also falling and breaking your hip and being like we're just gonna leave it fucked up it's a little bit like there have been so many conversations i've had with people where i'm like i have to be high right now there's no way that this is like, there's no way this is really happening. And so she's just gotten the short end of the stick so many times with the healthcare system in the last couple years. And they after the five months in the hospital, she got discharged into an adult family

home that was about 15 minutes from where I lived in Spokane. And so I would just go be with her a couple times a week. But she needed like full around the clock care because now she's basically bedridden or she can be put into a wheelchair. But yeah, it's been easily the most heartbreaking thing I've ever gone through these past couple years. I'm sorry. It's been easily the most heartbreaking thing I've ever gone through these past couple years. I'm sorry. Thank you. It's just been so, yeah, it's so tough.

Nobody prepares you for that happening with your parent. Okay, I have a lot of questions for you. Yeah. Is this hereditary? And if so, are you fucking terrified? Yeah. So I'm going to do some testing soon. So I'm going to do some testing soon. Frontotemporal dementia is a specific thing where like if my mom has the certain gene, then it's a really, really high chance that I would have it too.

But I'm still trying to learn a lot about it because it sounds like people are finding more and more out about how it can develop that like taking certain antihistamines every day, inhalers, like albuterol inhalers, which my mom was just always using that all the time. That's some, I think they're saying that that can lead to that too. So yeah. That's what I wanted to say. I wanted to ask is this, could this be from a car accident years ago or, you know, I didn't know. So, inhalers can possibly be a cause of this? That's like recent information, yeah. Did you ever use inhalers?

Like a few times young, but not. I didn't really have intense asthma. I had some exercise-induced asthma when I was young, but my mom has always had bad asthma her whole life. So she was using inhalers all the time and like 24-hour antihistamines and stuff like that. So they also don't know very much about it, about this particular disease. It's less common than Alzheimer's, I believe. I don't mean to put you on the spot here, but do you know the difference between dementia and Alzheimer's? Because I don't know the difference. I know that they are both under that

umbrella term of dementia. All I understand so far is that Alzheimer's hits people much later. It's like a different, it's a different part of the brain affecting a different part of the brain. Yeah. People show up. I think they show their signs of it differently as well. And that's what's so heartbreaking about frontotemporal is because it's personality changes. And so it can be really, it's very subtle over time. So family members don't really know that that's even a possibility. You just think like, oh, this person's kind of stressed out or they're just kind of like, yeah, they're just like behaving weirdly or getting really emotional and this also all happened in 2020 when everybody was acting weird and feeling off and all that stuff so

and there was so much isolation and i think that can really bring out the worst of people and i mean and she wasn't doing anything bad it was just like I could just tell that something was different with her. But, yeah. And so where is she now? In that home still? Yeah, she's in that home. All right. And homes always worry me too.

So are they a good facility? Like are they taking care of her? Do you know what they're giving her and all that? Like are you her ride or die for everything in there? Which is unfortunate because people tell you a lot in this process, like, just focus on being the daughter. Like, just focus on being the daughter. Let them do their job. But it's like I have watched people fuck up and her be the person that is impacted by their fuck ups so often that I don't trust anybody anymore in that world.

Like I'm always double checking what's going on with her and making sure that everything's right. Because, yeah, she's had some absolute angels of healthcare workers that are like the greatest people on the planet. And then there have been people who you're like, how did anybody let you in here? Listen, again, not to make this about me in any way. No, this is like, it's weird that this is. But I appreciate that because I would say like, let's just say I dealt with 100 different people from whatever. Yeah. 96 of them were fan-fucking-tastic, amazing, beautiful souls, kind.

But there were four fucking assholes, okay? That number, by the way way that's a phenomenal number cedar cyanide 96 out of 100 hey a plus plus okay in our health care system yeah but those four motherfuckers if you don't stick up for yourself if you are not an advocate for yourself in our health care system then they're just gonna fucking roll over you. Or if you don't have someone who can be an advocate for you, because when you're just fucking catatonic, for God's sake, and you have dementia, you can't even remember what the fuck they're telling you. You don't even know anything. You might forget what the hell you're even in there for. Exactly. So if someone isn't there fighting for you fuck that daughter shit i mean that's great i would be both i would make a for advocate and d for daughter and i would just say fuck b and

c that's what i would do okay forget this because that's why i'm all the fucking because because because i have her fucking daughter and you guys are doing your job. Yeah. Yeah. It's so true, though. It's. Have you had any arguments? Oh, yeah. Because you just strike me as such a kind person. But to have to fucking. That's the other thing, too.

It's like to have to go there with somebody. You don't want to go there. Yeah. Like, I didn't go there on the first swing. When the lady missed my blood three times, then I was like, hey, go get somebody who knows how to do their job, please. Focus. You know what I mean? I didn't fucking snap the first time, not even the second time.

It was the third time. And then when she said I did miss and she took the fucking thing off, blood squirted on the wall. And I was like, well, there's the blood we needed right there. How about you go get somebody who knows how to do their job? Am I a dick? I don't think so. You know why?

Because of that blood on my face. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there are a few of those for sure. Yeah. And I always say on this show too, the person, you know what they call the person who finishes last in med school? Doctor. You don't have to be good.

Yes. You're like, how'd you get in here? How did you fucking get in here? How did you do it? What did you do? Yeah. Yeah. get in here how did you fucking get in how did you do it what did you do yeah yeah that's such a good way to put it too that um being being kind and not being a confrontational person i mean it

is so hard for me to speak up for myself like i i am just not that person especially in a medical environment because i haven't i'm a fucking clown for a living i don't know i don't know any of these things and so i would see things happening to my mom in the hospital. I would be like, I don't love that. That doesn't seem like the way that should be done. But you're so hesitant to say anything. And also it's that icky feeling of like you don't want to rub anybody here the wrong way. Because when you're not here at night, you don't know what they're doing.

Dropping elbows on mom. You don't know. For real. Like there are all those horror stories, but it's true. And so I was always trying and still am trying to walk that line between making sure she's being taken care of, being on good terms with the people taking care of her. But like if something goes wrong, making sure they know, like, I know what's happening. And so we watched a nurse just not give my mom her main medication for a week. A week? When do you speak up to that? We didn't know what was going on until I just, I was like, God, she's acting so different,

just out of nowhere and we know that there are these declines in the dementia and it will keep going down but it just it felt like something had triggered a decline and we were like god she's acting so much more out of it and different than usual and so I called the like overseeing nurse who isn't always at the home. And I had said, you know, can you just check? Cause I don't know. I just feel like something's off. And one of the nurses just had like, they, there had been an issue with getting their prescription refilled and they just hadn't continued to follow up. So they just, my mom just didn't, they just didn't say anything. They just didn't give her her main medication for a week,

which completely made her go off the rails. And then it made her decline. And it's like, you know, there are only so many steps that you can go down before you are done. And so that, I was livid. So what happened? Who did you yell at that lady? I yelled at the main, the woman who runs the home. How'd that feel when you were done? I mean, it feels good to stand up for what's right, but you also are like, I just wish this hadn't happened. Because again, it's all, my mom is the one who suffers. happened because again it's all my mom is the one who suffers what was your um reaction to them when they dropped when your mom broke her hip and shit like did you go nuts then i would have just been beyond myself yeah like who how do you even do that yeah and it's hard because a lot of the

excuses that were being used during those five months in the hospital were like well it's COVID time like we're short staffed there's just so much this is just such a hard time and it's like that is true that is a thing that I understand is going on that is hard however it's like there are still things that shouldn't be happening and that's why I felt like, A, I love my mom so much. And there was just no way she was going to be in there without me wanting to be there. Are you the only child? I have a younger brother who's about six years younger than me, but he lives out of state. His wife was pregnant at the time.

Like, just a really hard time for him to be able to come much but yeah it just uh i lost my train of thought but you love your mom oh yeah yeah and oh because of covid that i could see that the nurses were too loaded up they had so many patients each that if they would try to feed my mom and my mom wouldn't really like take to it they're not going to sit there for an hour and try to get her to eat they're just going to be like all right well she didn't eat and they're going to go to the next room but if i'm there i'm going to make sure she eats so it's like it it sucked to feel that pressure but i know i just knew that like because of the situation it was in, people can slip through

the cracks in the hospital so easily, especially if they can't advocate for themselves. Yes. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. I mean, I know I had nurses coming from, one will be from Monrovia, and I'm like, damn, he drove all the way in from, then it'd be Pomona, and then it'd be somewhere else. I'm like, damn.

And they're never the same. They're rotating either floors in the same building or different hospitals in the same network. They're never, I mean, if I had the same nurse maybe two days or two nights in a row, that was like the closest you got to knowing some regular person. Right. Who knew your shit. You know what I mean? That's the other great thing is every time a new person comes in, you got to tell them your shit again. Well, I'm originally here for a back surgery. And then this shit.

Like all the way. And you get so tired of telling it. But it's a new person almost every fucking time. Yes, exactly. And that makes it so hard, too, to maintain. And the food sucks. Oh, my God. I'm having conversations with them.

Like, this is what you gave. This is high fructose corn syrup. Like, we're talking about all these health issues. Yeah. and i think a lot of it starts with our diet yeah and look what you guys give us and the nurse is like you're not wrong she goes the same thing in schools i go you're right giving kids and us all this shit all the time then we come to places like this and then you give us shit and it's just a cycle yeah yeah i know because that's the cheap stuff so it's just a cycle. Yeah. I know because that's the cheap stuff. So it's just easier to do that. You want cheese? I swear to God, I got a craft.

Listen, I'm not above a craft single, all right? But I want to get it. I want to get it. Don't give me that in the hospital. You know what I'm saying? Unpeel it and put it on the fucking turkey burger and don't tell me. But don't give it.

They gave it to me. Somebody was like, wait, wait, wait. He gave it to me. Like, like somebody was like, wait, wait, wait, I got him. He wanted, he wanted cheese and frisbee that shit on my track.

Like, let me sell part with the craft. Let me buy it. Let me go down this rabbit hole. They gave you, and I'll bet you wasn't even a craft. It was probably a Kroger. It was probably a Kirkland signature.

Yeah, it was. Kroger's a better version of it. Definitely though. Definitely. Cause they probably had a sleeve of. It was probably a Kirkland signature. Yeah, it was. Kroger's a better version of it. Definitely. Because they probably had a sleeve of them like this, of Kirkland. I don't know. You could launch it from across the room. The way that those things stick to anything.

It probably hit the floor and skid across. It gets wrapped. Don't worry. Threw it on my tray. That's definitely what happened. You're a speck of dust in these systems. You're a speck of dust. You systems. You're a speck of dust. You might as well be a star in the fucking solar system.

Absolutely. And it's disgusting. It's just a filthy place. Yeah. It's really, really rough. All over the country, things are getting more expensive, including rent. Make this the year you stop renting and buy your first home. I highly recommend checking out

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that's how the healthcare system worked. I was so disappointed by so many things. But again, like you said, there are healthcare workers out there that are incredible. It's just, it just takes a few though. Thank you, healthcare workers. For real. All the good ones. Nurses, RNs, charge nurses, all of you.

Yeah. Yeah. Because there are some that go so far above and beyond. And those ones you're like, I mean, it blows your mind because you can't believe that they could also be working alongside the people who just don't give a shit. Yeah. I had great surgeons that didn't big time me and didn't make me feel stupid. I would even tell them, listen, I make people laugh for a living.

I'm a clown, like you said. It's okay to talk to me like I'm stupid, but tell me what the fuck's going on, really. And then some of them would sit there for 30 minutes and answer every question I had. And I'm like, thank you. Thank you very much. And I've tried not to go to the internet with all this shit because I'll just freak myself out. And I've tried to act like it's the 80s and I'm just listening to the doctors. I haven't Googled one thing about what's happened to me right now because I'm terrified. Good for you. To read it. I'm terrified. I'm going to have to, but I'm fucking terrified to do it. I'm just listening to these doctors and going to my appointments and doing what they say to do.

Yeah. No, I think that's the way to do it because the internet definitely can be that black hole feeling where you just keep going and keep going and keep going. Yeah, my regular doctor is like, stop Googling shit, Ryan. You're going to have AIDS. You're going to think you have AIDS. That's what the end of it always is. Always like, I got to have AIDS. It's like six degrees of AIDS. Everything. Yeah, everything think you have AIDS. That's what the end of it always is. Always like, I got to have AIDS. It's like six degrees of AIDS.

Everything leads back to AIDS. But yeah, so she has kind of gone up and down. Is she still there in that facility? She's still there right now. So in June, I flew to London to shoot a TV show was so excited. I landed in London and had been there for less than 24 hours when I got a call saying your mom had a sudden decline. Like, we don't know if this is it, but like, you might want to come back. So I got back on a plane, didn't shoot the TV show, just like told my agents. I was like, I could not live with myself if I just stayed here for a week, if this is the time that this is happening. And so flew back.

Oh, you were going to be there for a full week? Yeah. Flew back to Spokane. She was basically catatonic again and then pulled out. It's so crazy to watch somebody be truly on like the brink of death and then something in their brain kind of wakes them back up again. So tell me about that. Did you, were you there for that? Like one night she's catatonic, you come in the next day and she's talking it?

Or how, like how much is she's actually speaking and does she remember you? And so those times where she's come out of being catatonic, it's a little gradual where she's not, maybe sometimes she's not able to say like full sentences. Maybe it's just, she'll like do a little laugh here and there, but her eyes will be open, which is such a massive difference from somebody who's just completely unresponsive and and not taking in food or water so she's um she's been she's gone on hospice like three different times and pulled out of hospice three different times so i mean we're talking about the brink of everything it yeah it feels like for um for me it feels like you're about to get hit by a train and then somebody pulls that they don't get rid

of the train they just pull it back further on the tracks because i know that that train is gonna hit me at some point but it's your mom going on hospice and being like with doctors telling you, yeah, this is probably going to be it. And then she pulls through over and over again. I mean, it ages you 5,000 years. I believe that. It's the most horrible draining. Yeah. I mean, you go from the lowest of the low to a high, but knowing, like you just said, that no matter what, it's coming. I mean, what a mind fuck.

based on her MRI because they were like, the way her brain looks, it's like, she's not going to really have much left. And she's had moments. So I pulled her foosball table out of storage and got it moved into the adult family home so that I can wheel her up in the wheelchair and we can play a little. Does she play? So there were times maybe like a year ago that she could still have some motor skills there and could still like do some tic tacs and shoot and that was so insane to watch and i was so do those people there know that your mom is a hall of fame uh foosball player yeah so here's and i if you don't know kelsey's mom is a hall of fame foosball

player yeah so um what's your mom's name i'm sorry what's your mom kathy all right so i've If you don't know, Kelsey's mom is a Hall of Fame foosball player. Yeah. What's your mom's name? I'm sorry. What's your mom's name? Kathy. All right. So I've started to open up about the dementia stuff on stage during this tour. And that's one of the things I say is that my mom's in the Foosball Hall of Fame.

And every time she gets a new nurse, they always ask her about her life. And my mom's always like, well, I'm in the Foosball Hall of Fame. So your mom remembers that? Yeah. And then the nurse goes, sure you are. Oh, that's crazy. Because it's like... Yeah, it is a weird thing

to say to somebody. And then I'll be standing there and I'm like, oh, yeah, no, I know that sounds crazy, but I swear it's real. And the nurse was like, hey, you don't have to.

It's okay. It is a weird thing to say you would think samaya would make that that sounds like you're on the street in santa monica saying shit to people it doesn't sound like it's it would be more believable that she was in the wmba because at least that's like a thing people know about and then i'll like keep going with the nurse. I'll be like, no, like I really, I could show you like trophies. I can show you videos of her. I got to get to the next one over here.

It will never happen. I got to hustle. They start looking at the other nurses like, oh, does the daughter have dementia too? Is this like a family plan T-Mobile dementia that they're on in the home? Oh, you're going to kill me. Oh, God. Sorry. family plan t-mobile dementia that they're on in the home but yeah it's like nobody's ever gonna believe that in that home but it's they're not it's so unbelievable but it's true it's just so unbelievable texas tornado table in the middle i know i know she's so cute playing but i um i was there with her five days ago and wheeled her up to it and it's been a little while since she's wanted to play and her i think her some of the muscles in her arms are starting to atrophy a little bit because

she was having trouble even doing it and then she said it was hurting and it was so fucking devastating because I was there with her for a few hours and I know she recognized me when I walked in she like I bent down and hugged her in the wheelchair and she's like I'm so proud of you I love you so much and we had you know a nice time our conversations now are not really like coherent but you know she's she'll talk to me and stuff. And then at the end of my visit with her, she just looked at me and said, and who are you again? And it was.

Oh, is that the first time? Yeah. That's the first time. There was that moment in the hospital, like I mentioned really early on, but she was so she was in like a full panic attack all the time that I was like, this just doesn't, I don't know. It was a different thing. This absolutely knocked all the wind out of me. I was so not expecting it, especially because I'd been with her for a few hours and everything seemed to be like that she registered it was me. And I think she had started to get kind of tired toward the end of our visit.

it was me and I think she had started to get kind of tired toward the end of our visit and I think things were kind of firing less in her brain but it's so chilling to have your parent look you in the eyes and not know who you are like that's something that nobody can prepare you for it disturbs you on a level like I've been having nightmares since because it just just it it completely fucks with i think some of the really foundational parts of being a human that like that is your parent that's the person who knows you all of those just like from the womb yeah stuff of that that person will always know me they'll always be my parent my protector all of that and so for her to in that moment not know it was me was uh yeah that was a really bad day that was a lot of tears that day i'll bet yeah how did you answer it i said i'm your daughter kelsey and she said it oh i would

be bawling i'm like oh you're sorry yeah yeah I started to get choked up, but I was trying to not cry hard because I didn't want to make her feel bad. Or you're like, I'm the person you probably gave this jean to. That's who the fuck I am, lady. We're going down together. Yeah. I told her it was me, and she said, okay. And then a couple minutes went by and she was like, I'm just worried I'm abandoning her. And I said, who? And she said, Kelsey. And I said, but

I'm Kelsey and you're not abandoning me. It's okay. I was so emotional. But what my cousin and I have noticed, my cousin visits a lot too, is sometimes my mom thinks she's 30 years younger than she is. Like if you ask her how old she is, she'll be like, I'm 42. She just turned 70. And so that makes, in her mind, me and my brother kids. And so I think. Oh, that's fucking, actually, that's wild. Isn't that interesting?

Yeah. So I think. So her math is I'm 42 and my children would be children, not this grown woman that's standing here with me right now. Right. Wow. So I think in that moment, it wasn't necessarily that I didn't exist to her. It's that she is thinking I'm a child and it's, God, it is so gut wrenching because she has always been the greatest mom on the planet. And so like one of those parents that's just always been all about her kids, making sure her kids are okay.

And that to me I think is a circle of hell that this disease has put thoughts in her mind that like her young kids are in a house somewhere and that she's abandoned them. That they can't take like that they're like, where's my mom? Like that's what she in those moments I think thinks is happening so that's why me standing there it's like well that can't be my daughter because my daughter's a kid I mean this is all I don't know for sure but we've just tried to kind of piece together some things like that and um it's not linear it's not like like i talked to her on the phone on the way here and i was like hi mom she's like hi sweetheart like she knew it was me but the fact that it it even happened now i know that it's like probably will keep happening and

yeah it's it is the longest goodbye. It's so hard. It's so fucking hard. Do you ever talk to her about, do you remember yesterday when you didn't remember me? Do you ever talk about the moment she doesn't remember when she's actually with you and really like there? Say like yesterday you didn't even recognize me or do you ever do that? No. say like yesterday you didn't even recognize me or do you ever do that no i mean i'll ask her like like i was like what did you think of the super bowl to see if she would could kind of remember

watching that yesterday but did she watch it did she did um the way she responded sounded like maybe she didn't fully remember she's also here's the thing my mom is in mensa she's she has her master's in french literature she speaks like three languages she's one of the most brilliant people on the planet and so i think even with dementia there are times where she'll still try to hide that she doesn't know how to communicate properly anymore does she remember the other languages she spoke i'll speak some french with her sometimes like that's still in there um yeah not great but but enough yeah she was my high school french teacher no get the fuck yeah what grade you get ace i was a nerd i was a nerd but uh yeah she was like everybody's favorite teacher so that's been so cool too is like whenever i do shows in spokane in the march line there are

always so many people that were former students of hers that just have so much love for her yeah but um I try not to say anything to her that would make her feel bad for having dementia because she can't control it it's not her fault I know that she already is just struggling so much all the time that I think any sort of thing where I'm like, hey, do you remember that you didn't recognize me would break her heart. Yeah. And it's like, there's no. Good point. Yeah.

Is she up and around or is she just in a wheelchair right now? She's in a wheelchair. So some days she doesn't want to leave the bed. Some days they, I mean, they always like try to encourage her like let's get into let's get you in the wheelchair and so she can like kind of get out of the room but yeah it's it it fucking sucks to know that she's like mostly just watching tv a lot of the days but like there's not there aren't that many things that she is interested in or so i played it for her on my laptop um a few months ago once it had been done getting edited because my my agent actually was

really smart to suggest this he was like you know you never know and she's had so many ups and downs like if you have the finished product i would watch it with her right now while you can just in case so i watched it with her and she um I like dedicate it to her at the end and there's some foosball stuff at the end and she was like tearing up for that and was really proud. So that's nice. Good. Yeah. Yeah. For you. I feel really lucky. I got to do that with her. Yeah. Yeah. It's so weird to come. I just talked about this on my podcast self-helpless for the first time but that show we like get into serious stuff from time to time i'm just so used to even on honeydew with you talking about like funnier things sometimes it's weird to come here and just kind of have like

a very somber therapy session well what you're going through is not fucking yeah fun and you're currently going through it this isn't a story that happened to you 15 years ago that you've gone to therapy already about. And you've dealt with and you've thought these different things. And over time, maybe your opinions and attitudes have changed in one way or another. This is happening to you right now. So it's interesting to see where you'll be 10 years from now with this. Because you also have your own concerns about your own health. Yeah.

And I've got a genetic thing that could kill me easily. So I'm aware of like. Yeah. And nobody else in my family got it. They all contested. I'm like, God damn it. For real? I'm a twin.

I'm a twin and I got it. Not my brother, but that's what happens. When you're fraternal, you're separate eggs. And if we were identical, we'd either both have it or not. But we're fraternal. I'm my own zygote. Boom. I get this stupid fucking thing.

I'm so sorry. Yeah. And, you know, my mom has been divorced for since I was five. Okay. So that has been a tough part of it too, is that it did kind of all fall on me in terms of her immediate family. She didn't have a partner or anything like that. Is your dad alive? He is.

Do you talk to him about it? Yeah. That's nice. My dad has been a huge support system for me. Has he visited your mom? No, but they didn't have that kind of a relationship where they would have done that. I don't think my mom would have wanted that, to be honest. But my dad has really, really been there for me.

He was so, so nice to have around in Spokane, especially during the hospital months, because he would like swing by the hospital, drop off food for me. Cause I really, I would be there the whole day. And yeah, that, that was huge to have him around for sure and still have him around. But yeah, so it's been, it's been crazy. I was talking about about the the London thing and then it was was it two weeks after that yeah two weeks after that I shot my special in Denver and I got there a couple days early before before shooting the special and I got a call from the guardian when I got there that they were officially putting my mom back on hospice because the uh the london thing was a couple weeks before that so she had like

kind of pulled out of being catatonic but was still not doing great and i was just like in the comedy condo playing old voicemails from my mom just like bawling right before your special it was two days before it wasn't like i was about to walk on stage it wasn't like i made my mom's voice messages my walk-on music for the special i've heard everything kirsten and i heard a story i'm not gonna name the comic but um one of the waitresses walked in and he was like yeah that's it and she's like excuse me he's like i'm not fucking talking to you and then realizes that right before he goes up, he's on a fucking sex thing with a live sex thing, having this girl do shit. And she's like, that's your fucking.

What? That's what you're doing before you walk up on stage to make people laugh? I'm so curious who that is. I'll tell you. I'll tell you after we're out of here for sure. And you're over there sobbing tears. I mean, again. Hey, everybody's got their thing.

You know what I mean? It wasn't the day of the special. Oh, it wasn't right before they said, Kelsey, come on. It wasn't right there. You're like, come on out. Come on, guys. You're kidding. No, but it is it's like the sad clown thing of you go on stage tap no it's okay tap dance around make people laugh compartmentalize feel good for yourself

feel good yes of course but people have no idea idea unless you tell them in your act what's going on. And for the last two years, I haven't. So I would be having moments like that where I was just like the lowest of low, just brokenhearted, sobbing, and then just, okay, go on stage. So it's been a lot. go on stage. So it's been a lot. What's your biggest concern with this for yourself moving forward? Because if you don't mind me asking, you don't have to say, how old are you now? Oh, I'm 33. All right. So 33. And this hit your mom late 60s. So look, here's the other thing. You got 30 years of advancement, hopefully, in medicine, technology, knowledge, education, all of that for all of us that have whatever we have. Like, does it scare the fuck out of you?

Yeah, because our job is our brain. I know. It's memory. It's all of that. It's being able to talk. So yeah, it's being able to talk so yeah it's it's terrifying and I also I feel like there are there just have been so many other things to be thinking about that ironically that has been the last because in my mind I'm like well if that does happen it's a ways away I still want to get

tested to make sure I can like if that is case, that I can take whatever precautions I can. But just when you do feel like the train is about to hit with your mom, you're always focusing on that and trying to, like, my tour schedule's crazy. There's so much going on all the time. Yeah. And so one thing that I did recently, which was so hard for me to do, but I moved from Spokane to Minnesota and because also touring out of Spokane for a year and a half. Yeah, you're as far away as you can fucking be for those flights. You are. Every flight felt like an international flight every week because Spokane is a tiny airport. It's way in the corner of the country. No nonstop flights, maybe a couple flight time options each day. Crazy time zone changes.

It was like I came home every week, just a shell of a person. It was getting to be so hard on my body for a year and a half. So my boyfriend lived in Minnesota. We wanted to live together. I didn't, it didn't make sense for him to come to Spokane because then he's, you know, touring too. We would both be dealing with the Spokane airport every week. But it was so hard for me to make that decision to move away from my mom when I had been within

15 minutes of her for the last couple of years. away from my mom when I had been within 15 minutes of her for the last couple years. But I also knew that I feel like being that close to her was kind of killing me because I was, I've just cried so much the last couple years. And I learned, I was looking online. I know that we're not supposed to Google, but I did Google because I was like, ah, this feels. I'm going to Google. I just not just not yet not yet i'm not ready um i found something called prolonged grief syndrome or something like that and i related to it a lot it's in situations like this where it's a very long goodbye it's not the like you don't get a complete the grief cycle in a normal healthy period of time it's not like you lose somebody

and you go, it's like this. It could be a years thing. Yeah. Slowly slipping away of the person. And it kind of holds you in this mental state that you shouldn't be in. So I've just like everything feels so high, like every conversation with my mom, I feel so, it feels so dear to me. But that's a lot of pressure to be living like that for two years where you want every interaction to be amazing and perfect and meaningful. And I think I needed some distance from it and just a healthy way so that I could also be able to function. And that was so hard for me because I felt like, God, is that fucked up to move away?

But she- Well, there's also something to be said for living your life and not someone else's death. You know what I mean? Yeah. God, that's a powerful quote. There really- Wow. I just made that up.

Look at you. Damn, that's really good. Because I understand what you're saying. You're in a tunnel. You're in a vacuum. Yeah. A dark fucking vacuum of anxiety and fear and unknown of everything. Hospice, you're out.

Catatonic, you're out. What's going to happen with me? That sort of thing. There's a lot. And you're right. I mean, our brain is our job. Here's the thing. Like, my business manager was like, we should talk about, oh, what's it called?

Disability insurance. And I was like, you know how fucking insurance companies are. They're going to say he's a comedian. He could roll on stage and tell jokes, which I could. Or I could roll up to this table. He goes, yeah, you could. But then the guys in the hospital are like, well, they're also, you could stroke. And I was like, hadn't even considered stroke.

Like, they keep saying shit to me, and I'm like, what? Yeah, yeah. So then I'm like, well, then that is my job. I can't fucking perform if I have a stroke, you know? Right, of course. And do you recover fully from that? You know, all these things you start thinking about, especially as we get older with our fucking dna yes that we don't get to pick yeah you know what i mean we don't get to pick anything you just get assigned to this fucking

rocking outer space it's like this is the shit you got here's your card oh i'm not gonna find out about this till my 30s okay cool all right. All right. Okay. Yeah. And I get to worry about that for the rest of my fucking life. Yeah. Dope. Yeah. It's a lot. And one of my friends who lost her mom to cancer a few years back, so she lost her also at a young age.

She was like, your mom loves you so much and you and your brother are her pride and joy if you run yourself completely into the ground to try to help her constantly you're doing her a disservice like she made you so that you could go live your best live your best life i believe as a father i'm telling you right now it would bum me out to have my daughter there every day it would wow every day i'm like go you're wait you're wasting your life god you're wasting it you have no idea how much that means to me to hear that from a parent's perspective my daughter's only eight and i'm getting chills now but i would be like go go fucking hang out with your friends tonight don Don't be in here. This is a dark fucking place. Once in a while, great, because I want to see you or even FaceTime.

Right. Okay, so let me ask you, moving to Minnesota, how has it helped you? Or has it? It's pretty remarkable how even in the, what's it been now, five, six weeks since I've moved, I cry so much less because I'm just not accessing that part of my brain as much. I still talk to her on the phone all the time, but I think it's been so healthy for me, just in every way. Every part of my life feels healthier. Of course, the travel has been so much easier, and I think that just helps everything. But emotionally, it feels like that's what needed to happen is I needed a little bit

of separation because it was as if there was still like an umbilical cord with me and my mom. I felt like everything she was feeling, I was feeling. And that's a heavy thing. Well, she's lucky to have you for real. Thanks. I'm so lucky to have her. She's incredible. she's lucky to have you for real thanks i'm i'm so lucky to have her she's well we're lucky to have you this has been i know we got to get you out of here this has been has it been an hour yeah look behind you we're right there oh my god that felt like it was 10 minutes i can't believe we were able to talk about that that whole time well thank you for doing it

i know it wasn't easy yeah and also listen, here's the thing I want to say this to everybody. I know some of us don't talk to our family. We're estranged, whatever. Figure out what the fuck their goddamn medical history is if you don't talk to them because their DNA is your fucking DNA. You can't run from that goddamn DNA. Yeah. So you also go get your test done because maybe you don't. Maybe you don't fucking have it.

Maybe I don't. Yeah. There's a chance I don't. Maybe you don't fucking have it. Maybe I don't. Yeah. There's a chance I don't. Maybe you got your dad's genes. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And I would just say, if you're seeing things in your parent that seem unusual to you, don't

hesitate to take them in. I don't think anything would have changed if I had. I mean, she had the disease. It was going to happen anyway. But I think sometimes we think, this was, she had the disease, it was going to happen anyway. But I just, I think sometimes we think, oh, our parents know best. Right. They're the adult. They're the adult. No matter how old we get, we always think of ourselves as like, we're the child, they're the parent. If they say they're okay, they're okay. But if you're seeing stuff that really does make

you go, ah, it wouldn't hurt for them to like get checked out, go help them get checked out if you can. Cause you just never know. You never know. Yeah. And I know a lot of you are probably going through this out there. So good luck to you and everybody. Thank you. That's part of opening up is just to like I would like more community about it because I've kept it to myself and you do feel so isolated.

So I'm about to start going to like support groups or supporters in Minnesota of family members of people with frontotemporal dementia. So yeah, I think it'll help. Thank you again. I know this was not easy. Please plug, promote everything. Yeah. So Self-Helpless Podcast, everywhere you listen to podcasts.

My special comes out on March 9th on YouTube. It will be available to purchase on my website on February 28th. So that's kelseycook.com. And my website is also where you can get all of my tour tickets. I'll be in Cincinnati, Kearney, Minneapolis coming up, San Francisco. So many tour dates. So, yeah, go check it out. Awesome.

Thank you again. And as always, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all social media. We'll talk to y'all next week. Bye.