The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Kirsten Schwickerath - KirstenDew

Episode Date: December 30, 2024

My HoneyDew this week is our producer Kirsten Schwickerath! Kirsten steps out of the control room and into the studio to Highlight the Lowlights of growing up in small town Iowa, almost failing out of college, and a how she ended up on a week long psych unit hold just months before joining our HoneyCrew!  SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON - The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! Get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! AND we just added a second tier. For a total of $8/month, you get everything from the first tier, PLUS The Wayback a day early, ad-free AND censor free AND extra bonus content you won't see anywhere else! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] Get Your HoneyDew Gear Today! https://shop.ryansickler.com/ Ringtones Are Available Now! https://www.apple.com/itunes/ http://ryansickler.com/ https://thehoneydewpodcast.com/ SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187

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And there's no censorship on any of the Patreon episodes. Subscribe now. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Nightpant Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler, RyanSickler.com, Ryan Sickler on all your social media. And I'm starting this episode like I start them all by saying thank you. Thank you for anything you do that supports anything I do.

I don't care if it's a shirt. I don't care if you're telling a friend, whatever it is, thank you so much. If you've come to see a live show, if you've done an episode of the Patreon, whatever, thank you so much. And I'm telling you right now, you got to check out the new tier on Patreon. Now you're getting the way back a day earlier, you're getting it ad free, you're getting that also with no censorship, no any of that. And exclusive bonus content on that tier, you're not getting anywhere else

and it's only $3 more, all right? I am very excited for this episode. This is our end of the year 2024 episode. It's been a hell of a year. It's been a great, what, when did we start this? This has been a great five years, five years old already, thank you. I can't even get over it.

We have a great family here. We have a great team of people helping bring this show to you every week. And one of the people I love the most is our producer Kirsten here. So ladies and gentlemen, it's her episode today. Introducing you to producer Kirsten. Please welcome Kirsten Shwikharad.

Welcome to the Honeydew Kirsten. You look really nice today, Kirsten, please welcome Kirsten Shwikharath. Welcome to the honeydew Kirsten You look really nice today Kirsten. Not that you don't always Thank you. I do, I normally look like trash out there. No you do not. I tell you all the time your hair looks nice. You do, you're very complimentary. It's very nice of you. Thanks for doing this. Yeah I'm already seeing stuff up there that I don't fucking know about you

So before we get into all this, cause I know not everyone's gonna see the way back episode we did, but Monchatom, how you got the job here first? Well, I got the job because I actually planned on reaching out to you to do the honeydew with y'all. I was planning to write out my laundry list to get on the show as a Patreon member,

but I was like, end of May, just graduated with my degree. So I was like, well, I ended up reaching out to YMH because they were moving to Austin and Nadav gave me the bump to you. And I was like, well, yeah, I watched the duo a lot. So for sure I reached out to you. I told you yesterday that that same day you called me, your name came up on my Fitbit.

I denied it because I got so scared. I thought I was being pranked. How did my name even came up? Was I in your phone? No, that's why I was like, is something going on? I don't know, I think it might be the cell services. It might just be there. It said Sickler Ryan and I was like, in that real quick.

And then yeah, I think it was like just a couple of days after that, I drove up to come meet you. I passed you, I didn't even recognize you on the sidewalk because you were sitting on the sidewalk smoking a joint and I went into the store and you're like, you walked right past me and I didn't to come meet you. I passed you, I didn't even recognize you on the sidewalk because you were sitting on the sidewalk smoking a joint and I went into the store and you're like, you walked right past me and I didn't know it was you just because I'd only ever seen you on camera.

I also didn't know you had a tattoo and I was like, that can't be him, is it? I had the, I have short sleeve on that day. You had a short sleeve on, I saw a little bit and I was like, I don't know if he has a tattoo, I don't remember it, so. But yeah, that was the start of it and I think I, I mean like you said, I drove up here for like two months before we officially

moved. Yeah. From San Diego, she drove up for two months and interned for a lot of it for free when gas was $6 a gallon. Yeah. Close. Then you end up moving closer and now here we are in the new studio. Yeah.

Yeah. So finally, how many years later? Three? Two? You're finally getting to do the episode you wanted to do. Three, yeah. All right, so let's go. Tell us about you. Tell everybody where you're from originally.

Yeah, so I'm from a really small town in southern Iowa called Melcher Dallas. If people are familiar with Sprint cars, it's right next to the Sprint car national of the world. It's called Knoxville. Is that right? Yeah, it's like huge thing. Every year there's a nationals, like people from New Zealand fly their cars over. it's called Knoxville. But we're, yeah, it's like huge thing. Like every year there's a nationals, like people from New Zealand fly their cars over,

it's a big thing. But Melcher's just like a, Melcher Dallas is just a small town next to that. So I graduated with like 15 kids in my class. That blows me away. I mean, I graduated at 15 and I always say that 12 of us went into preschool together. So it's like, we were all.

For real? Yeah, we were all. For real? Yeah, we were all through. Yeah, we had like, our friend Tanner was homeschooled for a couple years, but he came back, but there were only three, I think graduated with us that weren't there from preschool on. So it was like, none of that.

What's that like though? Is it fun or you get sick of those fucking people? For us it was great. Our class was really great. Yeah, good people. And our teachers would even tell us, they're like, man, we don't know what we're going to do after your class. Because our class wasn't necessarily all like super close friends, but we all just like

understood each other. It was really respectful. People kind of had their groups, but the group still intermingled. So I didn't mind it at all. I had a good time with it. Did you have rival high schools where you at least would go and see like, oh my God, there's 400 fucking people or 500 people in this class. No, cause we're like, anything that we do is all in 1A.

So it's like, and I always joke that we're like the half a A of 1A. What's it go up to? Cause California, I know it's big out here to five, four, five A. Five A I think is the biggest one. So my actual, my younger brother went to a five A school and those are, I think his class was like close

to like 600 kids. This is what I'm talking about. Which is like bigger than my like college graduating class, I think almost. So when do you finally go to a high school where you're like, oh, this is what a high school is like, where they all pack the gym for the games. And like, when is that? When I go to college. So when you go see your brother at a school or something?

I never even really saw his because he's a couple years younger than me. So it really wasn't until I went to college. We did have a, we did have a rival high school. But even your college was small. Yeah, it was a smaller one. Like there's schools in Texas and California that are bigger than your college. Oh, for sure. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, it's definitely, it's like, I went to the university of Northern Iowa, it's probably, that's the smaller of the three universities. I know you know about it. You're a big Panthers fan. Um, so yeah, I mean, other than that, we did have like a rival high school team, but they were all just 1A. So our big rival team was a twin seaters. They were the Sabres and they are like as far as history goes there's like they're like our rivals, but they're still 1A,

but they might have like 30 kids in their class. So it's like that's the difference. Yeah. That was a classroom. I know I wasn't even a big school either. I mean, it was several hundred graduating class, a few, I don't know, I have to go back and look. But I mean, I would say our individual classrooms were 30 people. Yeah, those are like our actual four class sizes. I mean, I think I said on the way back too,

that our high school building was six through 12, and I think the most at one time our student body was like 126 or something. So, and that's, yeah, that's sixth grade, so. So, all right, explain your extended family. Start with that, because you've got a lot of siblings and things moving. Yeah, so.

So I'm one of seven, but none from the same mom and dad. So it starts with my stepmom now, who was actually my dad's first wife. So she comes into the picture, she already has my oldest sister, Yeti. She marries. They only had one? Yeah, Bernie just had one with another guy.

She meets my dad, they get together. My stepmom gets pregnant. Oh, sorry, wait, she already had Yeti before she met your dad. Yes, yep. Got it, got it. I'm not sure how old Yeti was, but yeah. She already had Yeti before she met your dad. Yes. I'm not sure how old Yeti was, but yeah. Came in with Yeti. They get pregnant with my next oldest sister, Mandy, and they find out, I think, like April 1st or something. And then I think it's April 2nd. My dad gets into an accident that gets his arm torn off. Yeah, what? I've met your dad and I've seen, so what happened?

So it's one of those things, like we've just only ever known him with his little arm as we call it. We love Scary Movie too, so like the little, that's his little arm we always talk about, but we've only ever known him with that, but, and it wasn't until I actually did a video project in college that I like learned the severity of it, but he was working as a, he was laying like gravel rock

and it was one of those like gravel pit elevators. It stopped working and so he puts his hand in to fix it, but he's got a glove and a watch on and it kicks back on and it grabs his glove and it just sucks him in. And he's telling me, I didn't hear this until I did the video on college about him, but he told me that like any other day the guy running up front would never hear it. And I didn't know this whole time, but he has a star on the back of his neck right here because it almost decapitated him. Like put him in like this.

Kept pulling him in. And somehow that guy had heard something going on and he stopped it in time. And there was like some things lined up really weird to where like there was a farmer down the road that had some type of equipment that could get him lifted to where he was airlifted and stuff. But we had the newspaper article for a while

and the officer, whoever arrived on scene that was writing about it said, when they got there, his arm was hanging by a quarter inch of skin. Ew! A quarter inch of skin. No! Yep.

And it started off with them being like, and he was doing that and he always has been mechanic stuff. So I don't know if that was like a side job, but always been working on cars. But it started off with them being like, and he was doing that and he always has been mechanic stuff. So I don't know if that was like a side job, but always been working on cars. But it started with like, they don't think they're going to attach it. They end up attaching it and they're like, it's attached, but it's very touch and go. We don't know if it's actually going to last. It ends up lasting.

It actually ends up lasting so good that, like I said, he was a mechanic for 35 years until that changed. How much function does he have in it? Does he have his hands? He can do all that. He can grip. The only thing is it's his left arm, so he can only go about to right here. So when we go golf and his swing is a little different,

I always laugh because as a kid when he'd make me sandwiches, he would just smack the baloney up here because he just couldn't hold things this way, so it's just like smack and deli meat on the back of your hand. But yeah, I mean. You need to hit it some way. You really wanna, no, I mean,

I think my best friend, Jesse, was like, we were probably in fourth grade before she had salt and was like, what the hell happened to your dad's arm? And he, of course, is like, man, there was a pack of wolves one night. Like, anytime someone asked him, he has something different to say. But yeah, that was, he made the comment, you know,

like he remembers just thinking like, oh, I'm never gonna meet my daughter. I'm never gonna meet my kid. I'm never gonna meet my kid, and now he's got three daughters and a ton of grandkids. He is lucky. Yeah, it's wild. That'd have been a brutal death too, Jesus Christ. It really makes you think, if that,

just that butterfly effect of that one thing changes, and there's this whole line of people that never come along. I mean, from, I think he's up to like 14 grandkids now or something, so. So yeah, he was able to use it fine. Like it never, never really seemed to like, hold him back any. He was a mechanic, like I said, until that stopped.

And then once that stopped, he switched over to Hormel. So he's like a certified forklift driver. For Hormel Meats? Yeah. Oh hell yeah. Yeah, pro meat squeezer supports us with it. What is it? Pro Meat Squeezer. That's what, and he says it himself, yeah.

That's his favorite thing. He says that? Yeah, he's like, I love squeezing meat. With his weird little hand. Yeah, with his little hand, with his little arm. But yeah. All right, so then they split? So they have my sister Mandy.

Two kids. They have my sister Sherry. You've met Yeti and Sherry, you haven't met Mandy. They end up splitting. My dad gets with my mom, and my mom already has my other older brother, or my older brother from a previous marriage. She was married, divorced, met my dad. Do you know their previous part?

Do you know your mom's previous, or is it your brother? So do you know your brother's father? I do know my brother's father. And I won't go like too much into his story just cause that's his, but like he had his biological dad, but like my dad is his dad. My dad has always been his dad. And I don't really know what his relationship

with his dad is outside of that. I just know that it was always my dad. So yeah. So they get together. They have me, they get divorced when I'm in kindergarten. And I don't remember much of it. I honestly had a really good childhood. I will say one thing I always tell my mom,

one of my earliest memories is, it's kinda like split in two where it's like, there's one where I'm at the daycare that I'd go to and one where I'm at the, I'm in like in a waiting room. And I'm looking at like a magazine of a family and they're all happy and in my mind I'm like, why the fuck are they never showing the families that are fighting're all happy. And in my mind I'm like, why the fuck are they never showing the families that are fighting all the time?

Like in my mind I was like, where are the commercials with like mom and dad screaming in the basement? Like where's our family representation? So I have that, but like other than that, like everything was good. They actually co-parented really well once they got divorced.

Mom then get divorced, mom marries, my stepdad now, Eric, he had a son from a previous marriage. Damn, they all came in with one. They all come in with one, and then they had my youngest sister, and that's the end of the line. So how many biological siblings do you have then?

Three more? They each had one? Four. Four more. I have four. I have four halves, and then Yeti and my younger brother, Bradley, are the only one that are a step, yeah. Got it.

Okay, and you're close with everybody though? Yeah, I am actually. I'm really close with everyone in just different ways. I'd say Sherry and I are probably closest, which is interesting because it's a 12 year age gap, but I don't know, we just kind of understood each other. So, but yeah. You're the second youngest then? Or third?

I would be the third. So you'd be younger sister and a younger brother. Yep, I'd be the third. Okay. Yeah. So I'm like the baby on dad's side, but second oldest on mom's side. All right. And going back and forth, that was fine with you? Were you good with that? Were they close by?

Yeah. So dad still lives in the house that they built when I was born, and mom lives in town. They're all in Melcher, so that was really easy. It was kind of interesting because it's like at dad's house, I was a single kid. I was the only child. And then over here was brothers and sisters occasionally. So always sister, but brothers coming in and out. Did you like that? Like at dad's house, I was a single kid. Like I was the only child. And then over here was brothers and sisters occasionally. So always sister, but brothers coming in and out.

Did you like that better? Or you liked the balance? I liked them both. I think one thing I struggled with sometimes was just feeling like there were times where it was like mom's day, dad's day. And there were times where I was like, what about my day?

Cause I was just sick of going back and forth at times. But they were also very good at like, you know. I think about this for Stella a lot. Yeah. There's just me and Princess at my place, but then sometimes her brother and his girlfriend are over at mom's. My dad was always so great. Like I remember he always would call it Sunday fun day and we would go do something, whether

it was like fishing or riding our dirt bikes or just something like that. And they were also really good too about, you know, like if, if mom's got something going on this weekend, she wants to do like, it doesn't matter days or days. They're really great about that and stuff So, um, yeah even then being I always say like then being divorced was like a blessing cuz I feel like it made him closer and like My grandma now even says like she I always told your mom like she divorced your dad But I didn't like he was always still part of the family and stuff. So like just really good good upbringing. That's good Yeah, yeah, just really good upbringing. That's good. Okay. Yeah.

And then how were you when, how long before Eric comes into your life? For kindergarten, when they split, when does he show up? I want to say Eric comes in around like third or fourth grade is what I remember. And then what was that like? Was he a good stepdad? Was he a stepdad or was he more mom's husband? You know what I'm saying? Was he a good stepdad? Was he a stepdad or was he more mom's husband? You know what I'm saying? Was he active in your life? Very active in our lives for sure. Eric's a great guy.

I will say, and I think we all agree, when he first started coming around, he was out of the Marines, very just kind of hard-headed and had a certain way of things. And there was definitely just kind of a, him and my mom just kind of, I think, worked together and he kind of softened up a bit and kind of understood himself. So I always enjoyed him. I don't really have any bad memories. You know, there may be times that like,

I'd get mad with my mom and he'd step in and I'd be like, you're not my dad, don't bring, you know, don't get into this. But then in hindsight, it's like, he really was like a great stepdad to me, like cares and loves all of those kids so dearly. Like the times that we did butt heads, I am able to look back and be like,

oh, he was protecting me and stuff. So it's like really great guy. Yeah. He's a big bastard too. Yeah. Seems like he'd be big and intimidating, but you start talking to him and he's really just like a soft dude.

Yeah. Did your dad and him get along? Was there a resistance at first when that happened? I don't think there was. No. Not for my, that's the other thing too, is they were pretty good about keeping me out of anything that I shouldn't have known.

They were pretty good about the adult stuff is going to stay here. You don't need to worry about this. So I remember there being any issues. They're just like you described. They're at the ball game sitting next to each other. They'll high five. We don't necessarily sit next to each other. Maybe in the same.

What about? Bleachers are about that wide. We're there rooting for a common cause. Small fields, you got gotta be a little close. I guess so, yeah. So, no, but good. What was it like when your dad went back to his first wife?

Yeah, someone- What was that like in the family? Was mom mad, blunt? Well, she- I don't think mom liked it too much. She did what she did, so it didn't matter, I guess. She didn't really have a say after that. Yeah, I mean, they split, it was divorced.

Was there a little something going on the entire time? No, I don't think so. I think mom and my dad, my mom and dad, I think, split pretty like, they did their own thing and I think that was separate. And then I'm not actually really sure how my dad and Bernie got back together. I just remember she kind of started coming around,

around like second grade, I want to say. So it was a couple of years that she, maybe he was seeing her, I just didn't know, you know, and I wasn't there. But when she came around, it was fine. Like I didn't know Bernie before that. I don't remember ever knowing her. I was like, oh, this is my sister's mother. So it was great.

I mean, I still ask my two sisters though, it's like, hey, what's it like to have your parents back together? It must be nice that some of us got it, you know? But I think it's probably weirder for them. It's kind of interesting that they have like an arc of them being together, divorced, and now late in life, they're back together and stuff, so.

That's pretty awesome. Yeah. All right, so tell me about, well, is this in order up here? Yeah, yeah. So tell me about almost found out of college, why? Yeah, so I just think that's out of college. Why? Yeah. So I just think that's probably where my low lights start.

I was a really good student in high school. It was easy for me. If anything, except for fourth grade, that was a different, I was not good in fourth grade. Outside of that though, like 4.0, never had an issue with stuff. If anything, it was like they bumped me up in some classes because I was just getting a little rowdy if I got bored because I was kind of like excelling and stuff and that's not me like bragging.

It's just small school, not a lot of resources type things. So like killed it in high school, get to college and I'm just totally lost. And why is it? Cause you can set your own schedule and you're so used to, you know, a routine for all those years and now you could go on Tuesday at this time, and a Thursday at night, and shit like that. Definitely partially that. Um, my...

So senior year, right before I leave for college, like, Mom and I get in a huge fight because she finds out I've been smoking weed, not good, like, tears us apart for a bit, like, was not great. Yeah, I mean, we didn't talk, we didn't talk, I think, for like two or three weeks when I went up to college, which was really hard. We had this weird thing happen where I feel like

my dead grandpa intervened and like, we called each other on the both day, had this, I won't go too far into it, but we had this thing with $2 bills, we hadn't been talking, we both get a $2 bill the same day, which was like a sign from our grandpa, we call each other and make up so that it was better.

But I was just really lost and like not to cut too far ahead, but I'll eventually get to it. I find out that like I get diagnosed with ADHD and looking back on it now, I think a lot of it was like, I was just, I was kind of dopamine sinking. I was lost and I was just trying to, it was this weird mix of going from like high school was so easy and I felt so smart. And now it's like, were you lied to the whole time? Cause like, you're kind of a fucking idiot here. You're not doing good. You're failing out.

We go from big fish in a little pond to little fish in a big pond. Yeah. And it really messed with me mentally. And it would get to the point where like, I would miss a couple of classes and then you get down. Then I would just, I almost failed out. And well, first semester I got an academic probation.

I come back second semester, do good. I get in a series of very sketchy relationships that then make the second year even worse. And that's when I almost got tossed out. So yeah, I try and think, I mean, most of it I think was just, yeah, I was lost. I felt like I was so smart and had under wraps and then things just started to fall apart around me. And I was like, feeling like I was letting my family down, letting myself down. There

were times where I was just like, I think it was Andrew Santino that was in here one time and it's like, to be really honest, like never a feeling of wanting to off myself, but there are times where it was just like wanting that social suicide of just like, I wish I could just get away from this and start free because it all just felt so heavy. And then eventually I go through a really bad relationship. I end up getting diagnosed with like PTSD and ADHD. My mom gets diagnosed with ADHD at 40 and I start realizing that there's a lot of symptoms that she has that I'm feeling in myself that I'm starting to wonder if that's the case. So I end up going and then I realized

a lot of this anxiety I had in college was a lot of mismanaged ADHD stuff where it's like my brain was just not functioning how it was supposed to. I wasn't able to keep on top of things. It just felt like nothing was ever in order and nothing was ever like there. Do you think that maybe like just the fact

that that curriculum and everything changed, it popped off your ADHD? I think that was part of it. Yeah, I think it's just because I didn't have someone monitor it to me. It wasn't like, you know, when I was in school and like I got ordered, I finished something like the teachers knew me, I could go and talk to them or like find a way there. This I was just kind of left to my own devices and my own devices very quickly turned into like just smoking weed.

I got into acid for a while because what my boyfriend at the time dosed me in a movie theater. Without you knowing? Had no idea. Was that your first time ever doing acid? That's how you fucking, man, what movie? Doctor Strange. You ever seen that?

No, I mean, forever. You don't need acid for it, it's already insane. But yeah, so I got into that and like, it was weird, but I was just in this weird place where that was also the only person I felt like that understood me at the time. So like I just went down like a path of like, man, I would do like, I would do acid and stay up for a day and then I'd go to like my public speaking class and just give a speech and walk out. And I don't know how I did that because those I did good in,

and there was a while where like I was like, maybe this is working, maybe I just need to be on psychedelics the whole time, which I didn't, it was not good. Got out of that stuff. You know what, acid's not the one. No, no, no. If you're gonna be all morning. Love shrimps now, but yeah, I haven't done that since. So all that goes down.

That relationship ended, I get into another one which is worse, and that's the one that really just kind of beat me down and got me into where I finally get diagnosed with the PTSD and the ADHD stuff. And it kind of just helps me get into where I can get into therapy. I start sorting through like these two years of stuff

that I haven't even understood to even begin processing. So like start understanding all these things. About junior year things turn around. I start getting help. I start, I get out of a bad living situation. I actually met, you've met my friend Nicole. So funny story, Nicole's mom, you've met Cherise too. You love her because she was the one smoking

Paul malls outside cussing with us. Cherise and my mom were best friends in high school. So where my grandma lives now across the street was where she grew up and Nicole lived there for a while. So we went to the same daycare. I'm at college one day, I'm walking down our hill and I run into Nicole and I'm like, holy shit, I forgot that you went to school up here

and I hadn't seen her since probably like third grade. And you recognize her. Yeah, I recognized her immediately and I was trying to move and she's like, we have a spot open at our house. It's me and my two cousins if you wanna come move in. And that is like very much the point I can, I can like point to and be like,

this was the pivotal moment that things really turned. Absolutely saved me. Got with like people who were on the, you know, like they were all very like serious about school, kind of helped me get serious. Definitely changed my life a lot. So that's where things kind of got better. And then I kind of fell back in with Devin after that.

And so Devin, we were long distance that whole time, but. Well, let's go back to the relation. How did you get out of that abusive relationship? It came to a head kind of gnarly. He had moved, he was in the dorms at the time. He had moved in with us like a couple of weeks just because we needed help with rent and stuff. I had a best friend at the time who was also living with me.

She had moved up from our hometown. She wasn't in school, but was like, yeah, I'll take a shot and see what's up in this bigger town to go, she's going down. There's a lot of like stuff that happened before this, just like abuse and stuff, but it came to a head one night cause she had went down to Florida

for like some Chuck thing with one of her friends that I wasn't friends with, but he knew I was home alone. He had moved out at that point and he started banging on the door and I had to call the cops. Like I thought that might be the night that like things would get. Really?

Yeah. So he targeted you then? He knew you were all alone. Oh yeah, I was afraid. I knew he was out there banging on the door and he was telling me he was gonna come in. He was telling me he was gonna get me. He was gonna kill me.

Did they arrest him? He was never arrested. He was telling me he was gonna kill you. He said that shit. My friend knew at the time because I had sent her a text. I was worried he was sending me weird stuff. She had actually called the cops as soon as I sent that. So she had called the cops and I had called them right after there.

Since I had mentioned I had called the cops, he took off and they were never able to do anything of it because there was no actual evidence of him being, you know, I don't have a doorbell cam at the time or anything. He said, see, she said type of thing. And to them, it's just, you know, you guys broke up, your college students, like whatever type of thing. So, but it was good. I got out of it. I got into the new house with them and like cut ties. I think he moved to another city and I just never... Never heard from him again.

Never checked in anything since. Yeah. Getting stalked on social media or anything? Nope. Nope. Not that I know of. I mean, very much just subvertized right there. So, yeah. And it was actually, that came to an end. And what's, where it gets a little crazy here and like a little interesting with Devin

is I actually met Devin my first like- Devin's your husband. Devin's my husband, yes. We've been married almost five years now. I met him actually like my third week of college when I first got my first year. I was under a fake name on Tinder. I just wanted to find house parties because that's where I

was. He had messaged me. Is that what you were doing? House parties? Yeah. I was just swiping right on everyone just looking for house parties. So he. What? How? They would have it on there? No, I just put it on my bio.

I just had a fake name. It was like just looking for house parties. So I'd swipe right and some people would eventually be like, hey, there's a party here tonight. So that's how I'd get it. Well, he had messaged Like three times and by the third time he was like, hey, this is the last message I'll try and if not, I'll get the point of it. We hung out for like a week, but we had both What did he think your name was? My name was Alexis on there It's really fun. Yeah, he's it's he cracks cracks me told me you both use real pictures and everything

Yeah, I was my little photos and everything I just had a different name on there and he was full real name and stuff I had just gotten up to college and out of like my high school boyfriend and he was out of relationship So we talked for like a week. Nothing really came out of it You know amicable amicable like we're gonna go our own ways. I get with the first guy who doses me. Devin messages me at one point in there and is like, hey, I actually, I just wanted to let you know, I feel kind of bad.

Like I didn't give you the time like I think you should have deserved. I'm about to go into the Marines. If you ever wanted to hang out again, I just thought I'd reach out and like shoot my shot. And I was like, hey, that's really cool of you, but I'm actually with someone, sorry, whatever. We're doing business differently here in Manitoba at the Stu Clark Graduate

School. It's an energy, a feeling, a buzz. You feel it in our professional services, on our work placements, in the connections you make with business leaders. It's unique, something you won't find anywhere else. This is the graduate experience at the Asper School of Business, where you can master your business career. So then that happens. I break up with that guy, and then there's a section where I end up reaching out back to Devin.

Devin and I are talking, he's in boot camp down in Florida at the time. It's just Snapchat, it's nothing too crazy, but it's like everyday talking. And then out of nowhere, he just stops messaging me. Just stops messaging me and so I'm like, all right, whatever. And that's around the same time I'm hanging out with this other new guy, I'll just say his name's Jay. I'm hanging out with Jay, but Jay is just part of our friend group, so it's not like a romantic interest.

But the moment that Devin stops messaging me, I'm like, well, I guess I'll pursue this guy. So that goes on for eight months. It ends in like May. I'm doing something in like June, I'm going through Facebook or something. And I go in there and I realized that Devin's blocked or no, it was in Snapchat first. I think I had went to go block someone else on my Snapchat that had been friends with Jay, and I was like, because I'm not letting contact there. And I go in and I realize he's blocked on my Snapchat. And I never did that and I was confused. I thought I was blocked.

I go into Facebook then and realized he's blocked there as well. And it turns out like after finally talking to Devin, once we reconnect a couple months after that, Devin thought I blocked him because I did block him, but I didn't block Devin. Jay had gotten my phone, had gone in, did not like I was talking to this guy

because he wanted to be with me. Blocked Devin. And he did the blocks? Yes, and I didn't realize, I mean, I just assumed Devin, like it was just gone one day, so I was like, oh, he'd blocked me. I didn't think to check it at that point. And again, I was partying and stuff,

so I didn't think about it, but it was like, after I got out of that relationship, like a month later, I find this stuff and I'm like, that's kind of fucking crazy. So how'd you get through to him to let you know? I just unblocked him at first and I didn't send anything because I was just like, I don't even know how to explain this.

I think at that point too, I was still just so, this was before I even got therapy, I was just very like messed up and like I even got therapy, I was just very messed up and like, I eventually get into like bouts of insomnia where I'm just not sleeping and like, I've been hospitalized a couple times for it. But I think after I had blocked him, and then I think after about like another month,

it was in July sometime, I sent him a friend request and he accepted it, he messaged me a little bit afterwards. And I find out later too that when I sent him the friend request, he's about to go and meet the girlfriend he's with at the time, her son. Because this girl was like... No, this is his first time. Devin was telling me, this girl was down there and she's acting, she kept pressuring Devin into wanting to get married.

She kept pressuring him for a ring and he was like, we've been together for a couple months. And she's like, well, come meet my son. And Devin's like, I'm pretty sure she just wanted benefits. So he's like, I didn't know what to do. So he said he went into a bathroom and flipped a coin, and it said no. So he texted her and said,

I actually don't think I want to meet your kid, and we should probably break up. And so a little while afterwards, he got mine, we reconnect, and then we've been taught, we were together from like the end, or the and then we've been taught, we were together for, from like the end or the very beginning of 2000 or 2018, long distance until we got married during the pandemic and then lived out here. Yeah, so that was just, yeah, wild tangent, but the way Devin and I got together is kind of weird and like interspice. So yeah. So that was initial and then a split and everything else.

Yeah. But I also, him and I have said to each other before, it's almost, I don't love the stuff that I went through, but I also don't think I'd go back and change any of it because it almost feels like, I don't think I should have had to been beat to learn some things, but at the same time, it really did, going through those relationships taught me me so much about what I will and will not

accept from someone in the future, what I deserve. I just learned a lot about myself, and I think that maybe if I didn't know that before I had met Devin when I did this final time, I don't know if we would have been synced to the point where we are now. – Well, it's what you said going back to your dad almost losing his arm. If that happens, all these people don't even exist. And if you don't do exactly what you did in this situation, you may not even have Devin. You know what I mean? We talk about it a lot.

Cause I feel like that second time it wasn't super, it was really just casual talking, like it wasn't super romantic or anything. And it's like, yeah, I think if we tried, if we would have tried to pull the trigger and like make something work right then, I don't know if it would have. I think, you know, I think it might've been like the perpendicular pass where we're here for one second and then we just split forever. But now I think instead we're like on the parallel where we're just, we're together and we're good.

He's definitely my person. He's a really great guy. Yeah. He's a good dude. Yes. I don't want to make you talk about it if you don't want to, but you said I don't have to get, I didn't, I shouldn't have had to get beat.

So who's this guy? Is this the guy that's beating on the house and trying to kill you? So he was already physically abusive. So you believed him for sure when he said, I'm coming in there and fuck you up. Yeah, and it's weird, cause it's weird how it slips to that point.

Cause it's not, you know, it's never, I mean, I'm not, there and fuck you up. Yeah, and it's weird because it's weird how it slips to that point, because it's not, you know, it's never, I mean, I'm not, I shouldn't say never. My experience wasn't just like, boom, I'm hit one day and it's like, where the fuck did this come from? It happens so gradually and stuff, like just controlling things. Like give me an example, like what? I was never allowed to shower alone.

I could not be in a shower alone in the bathroom, but yeah. At your own house? At my own house. Listen, I've heard some ladies tell me crazy shit. I've never heard that. Why? I don't know. What would you pop, what, is he afraid you're going to masturbate in there?

Yeah. There were times like that. There were times where like, yeah, he would tell me like, if you are a woman, you touch yourself like you're disgusting. That's weird. Stuff like that. That wasn't too heavy. But then it became like, yeah, like I wasn't allowed to like be in the bathroom alone.

So there were times where I was like, are you worried that I'm like texting? Like you can have my phone. There are times where it's like, I never hit anything in my phone. Like obviously I didn't. You got in there beforehand before we were even dating. So things like that, like I wasn't allowed to do that. He would have to be in there and like if he wasn't in the shower, he had to sit there on the toilet and just watch me and make sure like watch my every move.

Supervise showers? Basically, yeah. To make sure you like watch my every move. Supervised showers? Basically, yeah. To make sure you're not touching yourself sensually? And it's not just that, but it's like, there were parts of that, and then I think it just became a control. I think it's literally just a thing of control. I don't think it's just that.

So you would have to tell this motherfucker I'm gonna shower today and he'd have to, you'd have to wait until he was around if he wasn't? Mm-hmm, yeah. And if you took one, he'd physically beat you? I just wouldn't. I wouldn't take one. I feel like there was one time he didn't beat me at the time I did it, but it's just like the verbal abuse at that point.

Because it's like it starts with that and then it gets to the verbal, and then it starts to escalate. But yeah, that was a big one. There was like, it's like my friend at the time, who was my best friend at the time, like if her and I wanted to walk down the street to go to punchy, I could not do that. Like could not be alone without him because of just whatever reason. I just came down to control things like him not having a job. So I'm working extra and then he's taking and stealing cash out of my wallet.

And then when it's missing, yeah. And then when it's missing, like I'm getting in a fight with my roommate, he's pitting me against her. Just it started getting really like isolated and stuff. And then yeah, it started getting to where it was like physical stuff and it's not always like it's not it doesn't start with like a fist punch it's first it's no it's like a shove against the wall and it's like I'm joking we're roughhousing like you need to quit being dramatic and then it's like a grab by the hair to the

ground and it's like this is getting weird but then it gets to a point that you're just scared and you're like you hit survival mode I mean there was time I remember there's one time where I worked at Papa John's and I worked with, my manager at the time was an older guy, super nice. I mean, it's just so ridiculous. He messaged me, I had went to like an extracurricular thing for school to get extra credit. My boss had messaged me if I could come in

to help him with pizzas, cause it was a busy night. I couldn't, I messaged him afterwards like, hey, sorry, can't I use this? He goes, no problem. We got it handled with a winky face. Not with an emoji, just with like, you know, semi-colon parenthesis. Because he's an old dude, I got in trouble for that because he's like, are you fucking your boss now? What are you not telling me about me? And I'm like, this guy is 55. I'm in college. Like, he has a wife and kids. I work with one of his kids. No, I'm not fucking him. Like, things like that. Things 55, I'm in college, like he has a wife and kids, I work with one of his kids, no I'm not fucking him, like things like that, things like if I would not sit on the couch

and watch him play Fortnite, I'm not even joking, I have Fortnite trauma. Because there's a time- The guy's not working and he's playing Fortnite? I just remember there was one, like the one that I always remember is him just like, he's getting mad or something about it, and he was like, oh yeah, but you can't support me,

like you don't even watch me play or something, it was something stupid like that, like you can't support me. Like you don't even watch me play or something. It was something stupid like that. You won't support me by watching me play. And I made a comment, something along the lines. I'm like, well, maybe if you could hit people, I'd actually want to watch. And I feel like before I could even want to watch, could come out, I just controller to the head.

And it's like, Jesus, now your aim's good. Yeah, just right to the dome. You can't hit anyone else, but God damn, you got me right in the dome. You can't hit anyone else, but goddamn, you got me right in the eye. Yeah. So things like that. Just wild stuff. I mean, I think the physical stuff was almost easier

for me to like understand and sort through in therapy afterwards. Cause it's like, I can understand that more. Like he's messed up in the head and he's just getting violent and whatever, because he can't process stuff, whatever. The controlling stuff, the emotional abuse, like that is the stuff that took forever to like, sort through and figure out.

What did it feel like to take a shower the first time after? I bet it felt weird. It was weird. It was weird. And it was almost like, I'm saying it's probably not like freedom. It's probably, no, it was like, definitely anxiety and it was almost like... I'm saying it's probably not like freedom. It's probably like, oh my god. No, it was like definitely anxiety because it's just like this feels weird. It felt like something I was never allowed to do. And if I tried to, it was like trying to sneak it.

So it felt like you're doing something and like just... This is when the PTSD diagnosis comes in later on because it's like there's just things that are happening that I'm like, I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I mean, anything that would happen outside, I'm not sleeping at night. The wind blows outside and I'm at my door looking, what's happening? I'm having dreams that are about him. If I see a car that looks like his.

Did air show up around this motherfucker? No, the thing is, is like, I told them a lot of this stuff afterwards and so they were really mad, but it was kind of cut at that point. I think it just hit the point where I was like, I needed to just end it and cut, and I didn't want anything else than that.

So it's like when that night went down, it was like, that was it. I don't know where he's at. I don't know where he went after that. You never tried to look him up? I don't know. I don't care to. Good. Yeah, I don't care to at all.

Cause when they found out, yeah, Eric was, I mean all of them, Devon, when he would hear stories still, it's just like, I don't, it's just crazy, you know, to understand that, but not be able to do something about it type of thing, which I can understand, even though it's not his burden, but yeah. So I mean, it was wild and that's one of those things,

like I still, I don't shower with anyone still, like Devin and I do not shower together. I'm comfortable with, he walks into the bathroom and I'm showering, it's totally fine. It's never been an issue. He's always been so great at understanding where I'm coming from and like just meeting me where I need. I gotta ask you this.

I mean, shower curtains, not what he make you open the shower curtain or were you allowed to, you know what I'm saying? Has he had to physically put eyes on you in the shower? It wasn't, well, yes, but we had like, um, just a glass door. Yeah. He make you open it. Every now and then, yeah. Yeah, I mean, there are times where like,

maybe if he was on his phone, like there are times where he just had to be in there still. Like if he's not just watching me, like maybe he's on his phone, so he doesn't matter if it's there. Like sitting on the toilet lid or something. Yeah, but then there are times where it was, it's just like watching me and it's like,

I don't know, just weird vibes, but you get at a certain point, you're just like, okay, I guess this is what, are his boundaries and I'm going to respect them because that's what you think it is. Cause he might kill me. Yeah. And even before that, you're just learning relationships and trying, you know, I trying to be like, okay, if this is a boundary he's setting up, I can meet him halfway.

But then eventually those boundaries start to go one way too far. And it's just like boiling the frog before. And then eventually you're just like out of it and you're looking back like, what the fuck did I let myself do for eight months? Kind of thing, yeah. Really did, yeah, really messed me up a bit, but I think that through the therapy that I had

at college, it helped me a lot. And that went really well until about, I don't really have any other issues. Like I think my junior and senior year go good. Well, senior year pandemic hits. So Dev and I had gotten married in May of 2020. I'm supposed to go back and start my last year, fifth year senior in August. School's still to the point where like you don't have to be online. So I come back out here, I finished my degree online out here, but about August of, August 6th, I think of that year, I start having these symptoms again where I'm not sleeping

and I'm having insomnia to the point. And this happened, like I said before, or I mentioned briefly, this has happened before. I've been hospitalized twice before this story for insomnia stuff. So like I would go- How many days are you on a run of? Over 72 hours.

What? Straight, yeah. And not cause you're on math or anything else? No, nothing at all. And here, and nothing at all. Like I, in fact, we hear people talking about trying to trazodone and stuff. Like I went through the gambit of just trying to find stuff to just try and like put me down at times.

Cause it was so bad. Like just on constant high alert, constant stuck on like a flight or fry. And then once you get past like that 48 hour mark for me, you start hallucinating and things start getting weird. You're just making mistakes. You don't realize it's really scary. So that had happened two times before,

but they were hospitalizations that were like voluntary and more so like, I'm going on like over 72 hours, I don't know what to do. Like I need something at this point guys. And then just basically doing like a, here's a shot, it's a sedative and then I'm out the next, you know, not like actually inpatient type thing. This happens in October though,

I'm out here on the military base, I'm on Camp Pendleton. I've probably been out here since now, two months or so. And school's kind of picking up, it's getting stressful and I'm starting to not sleep again. And I hit like day three of not sleeping and I'm texting Devin about stuff. And I make a comment to him that I'm like, I think we should go to the hospital tonight

because something's not right. I don't know what it is, but I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself without meaning to. And he called me right away and was like, what do you mean? Cause I think he thought I meant like, I was gonna self harm. And I was like, no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that like, I think I've been up too long.

I'm not in the right state of mind. I'm afraid that like, I'm gonna make an accident and like just hurt myself. And he's like, okay, we'll go to the military hospital. It was just down the right state of mind. I'm afraid that like I'm gonna make an accident and like just hurt myself. And he's like, okay, we'll go to the military hospital is just down the street from our house, but it's COVID. So they take me in and I'm like, I'm not in the right state of mind at all. They take me in, they're like,

first thing they say is we're gonna check your thyroid because I have a thyroid issue. And normally when things go wrong or I have health issues, it's like, let's check that first because that's like the base of all things normally. So I think I'm going in there just to get my blood drawn. I go in there, they're like, change to this gown, you're going to do a P test as well. So I'm like, okay, that's fine. Get the gown on and they tell me that Devin's going to be able to come back with me. So I'm like, I don't want to go if Devin's not with me. Everyone there is like, I know it's military

and I'm not really into the military. Like I've just been living as a dependa this whole time. So I'm expecting him to be there with me and I don't have my cell phone and I'm not really into the military. I've just been living as a dependa this whole time. So I'm expecting him to be there with me and I don't have my cell phone and I'm back there and I'm asking for Devin. They're like, he's not here now, but you can have a phone to call him. And I start getting upset at this point. And some of this is kind of blotchy to me.

Devin's had to retell me it because I start to get really upset that he's not there. I start screaming at them to give me my clothes back because I'm like, okay, you guys got my piss and my blood. So like, where are my clothes? And they're like, you need to wait here. You need to wait here. And I'm like, I'm not doing that.

Like I'm an adult. I gave you what I want. You need to let me go. And they're like, that's actually not the case. And I said, all right, fine. And I took off running. Did you? In my gown.

Devin, this is, no, this is the part I don't remember that Devin tells me. Devin said he's waiting in the waiting room. I was gonna say, that Devin tells me. Devin said he's waiting in the waiting room. I was gonna say, he's there, huh? Yeah. Said he's waiting in the waiting room and all of a sudden he goes, stop her. And he said he sees me run out

and my tits are hanging out of the gown. He's like, you charged the armed guard with your tits out. I'm not even joking. I'm not even joking. And the thing is, and here's what's also funny. You definitely get locked up now. Oh, I am. And here's, and it gets worse.

You charge the arm guard with your dick. Yes. And so then, so then finally it gets a little worse and like, it's going to sound a little, it's going to get a little meta here. Cause I'm going to, you know, just let my, I'm going to tell you just how much of a podcast nerd I was at this point.

Because when I'd go through these insomnia bouts, it's I'm listening to YMH episodes on repeat. I'm listening to the do, because if I can't sleep, it's like trying to listen to something else to not have your own thoughts going all this time. So before we had went in, and this is where it gets a little bumpy for me, because at this point they had gave me

some type of sedative, because I also find out later that they did not know any of my past records, so I'm on ADHD medication at this point. So they see that in my system and they're like, oh, she's in a psychosis, which I understand the overlap, but not quite that. But anywho, so I charged them, they finally get me back in the room.

They now have two guards outside the room and Devin comes in and I had forgotten at this point, but when we were going in, I'm like, I was telling Devin, he's like, listen, if things get like, whatever, like we can have a safe word of whatever, if you're getting too worried or something. He's like, just say, can we go to your mom's house? And I was like, okay, gotcha.

So, charged out there with my titties, they get me back in the room, I'm sitting down, there's like three doctors, there's two armed guards out there, Devin's sitting there. They give me a cup of water and he's sitting there and I do remember this part because he's like, hey, you're fine. He's like, didn't you mention that you just wanna go

to your mom's after this or something? And I'm like, shut the fuck up. Why are you talking about my mom? I don't wanna leave this hospital. Like I'm yelling at him. They give me a cup of water at one point, I take it and then I just throw it at one of the doctors because I'm just so mad.

I can't imagine. And this is, I mean, looking back, this is not me at all. I'm not this type of person, but just so rowdy to the point that like I finally just so mad. I can't imagine. And this is, I mean, looking back, this is not me at all. I'm not this type of person, but just so rowdy to the point that like, I finally just gave in. I realized that like I was, it got to the point where they were like, listen, not your choice anymore. You are now officially on a 51 50 hold. You're going to be transported by ambulance to the Naval Hospital down in San Diego.

There's nothing you can do about this. And I think I fought them a little bit more and I finally just got defeated. I slept the whole way to the hospital. And that's when I got, I think this is like probably one of the most traumatizing things in my life was getting put in the psych unit at the military ward because- What, did they put you in a jacket or no? Well, no. At first when I get there, I'm just in- You're not cuffed or anything or strength? No, nope. Nope. They put me on the gurney for the ambulance and I think they had given

me like an adavan or something at that time would like to bring me down. So like, I did fall asleep on the ride there. Get to the hospital. We're at 48, so we can convince it. Um, get to the hospital there. And because it's COVID, like normally my case, like I would be able to have visiting hours, like Devin would have been able to come and visit me and have lunch with me or do something like that.

I don't get any of that. They send me there, it's overnight, so I'm in a room alone for the first two days. And what I don't find out to hindsight is it's a military psych unit and I haven't, this is gonna seem a little blotch just because some of it is still blotch to me, but it comes apparent to me a few days in that like they're

expecting me to operate as if I'm also like part of a military unit, as if like I understand. So like they put me in a room alone. They haven't told me that like, okay, at this time is like when we release shower stuff for people. I had a shower with stuff in there, so I was still showering. Or like this is when group meetings are like they're expecting me to take the lead and know this, but I don't know that and I Don't realize it's being held against me. So 5150 supposed to be like 72 hours. I end up there for a whole week. Damn. When do you find out the week? I thought it was that you're supposed to be

That you've misunderstood and it's being used against you. When do you find that out? So you can say hey, I'm fucking not part of this shit I think about three days in, because the other thing too is like, I think about like three days in, because the other thing too is like, I just feel lost. I feel like it felt like the biggest mind game ever.

It felt like I was put in this, I went from being delirious to now I'm in a situation where I feel like I have to play some weird mind game to get like the right codes to get out of this place because like Why I did need help this isn't the help that I needed and I'm in there with people that are like Needing some help. Can you talk to Devon? Do you have communication with so I can call Devon on the phone and bless his heart It was so rough for him. Just because I'm I'm calling him and I'm freaking out and crying and stuff and he's having to communicate to my mom about it.

But he was great and I am able to talk to him. But I'm not able to see him. And I think that's the part that messed me up the most. Cause it's like, not only have I only been, I've only been living in California now for like two months officially. So not only am I in a hospital, I don't know anywhere. It's not like I'm in Des Moines and mom's right there.

You can run out, yeah. Yeah, hold on a second. So yeah, it's not, I think it was just a feeling of being like, oh God, I'm stranded and I don't know. And it felt like these military people are just such authoritative figures. It's like, I just got to play the game to get out of here and stuff. And it was a nightmare. I eventually, just got to play the game to get out of here and stuff. And it was a nightmare. I eventually, I go to the groups and I get out of there and then they have to do a separating call at the end

where you get on a call with all the people that have been observing you the whole time that I didn't realize have been observing me this whole time. And then we got on a call with some judge of some sorts. And I could have that wrong, but someone higher up who then evaluates cases. So they're like, you're going to be allowed to speak and say your part but you have to wait until all these other nurses are done speaking first. So just be calm, wait your turn, then you can speak. And so I did. And all these nurses are reading

things off. They're like, she's not complying with taking showers at the right time as everyone else. She's not coming, getting her tray at the same time as everyone else. And this is part of that thing where I was like, I didn't know there was a schedule. Like I'm just being left in a room. She's not, she's looking out the windows, trying to escape and like trying to elope and causing nuisances because I would stand by the fire exit just to try and see like where I was every now and then.

Never got near the door, like would keep my hands behind my back. So I get through all this stuff and then I finally get my chance to talk and I'm just like, I'll be honest, I don't know why I'm here. Like I've been here for a week. I've been fine after I got some sleep.

Like after I got to those two nights of sleep, I've been fine. No one's telling me what I'm supposed to be doing. I never tried to run away. Like I'm just trying to figure out what to do because like I feel lost and I'm really confused and like none of this has been super helpful. I also forgot to mention they're not linking up with all the stuff I had just went through with my therapist psychiatrist at the university.

So they're not looking at like all this treatment that we've gone through, all this medication I've tried and gone through and stuff. And so then they cold turkey me on like my ADHD medication. They tell me you actually you don't have ADHD, you are actually bipolar. And so we're gonna put you on mood stabilizers. And so that's happening also halfway through the stay. So that's messing with me. And it messed with me until like, honestly probably about a year or two ago.

Like I was afraid to go to the doctors and like seek help. It wasn't until you were in the hospital that I was like, I need to get help again. Oh, that's when you went when I were in the hospital that I was like, I need to get help again. Oh, that's when you went when I was in the hospital? Mm-hmm. That's nice. Yeah, because before that I was just,

I didn't feel like I could trust them. Do you feel better now? Yeah, actually I- So were they wrong? They were totally wrong, I mean- So it is ADHD and once you got back on that medicine, you felt better and stuff? For sure. I understand where they're coming from now

and I can understand that. Like when I came in, it definitely probably presented as like a manic episode, but it's like, I knew my history so well and I had all of this other history they weren't looking at to be like, this girl just needed sleep. And once I slept, I was fine.

Then it was just me being like, what the fuck am I doing here with these people? Okay, so I also had a history of shit that told everybody about it, the hospital that they ignored. That's what happens a lot of times. And it's like, and the fuck am I doing here with these people? So I also had a history of shit that told everybody about it, the hospital that they ignored. Yeah. That's what happens a lot of times. And it's like, it's like, and I'm actually in there with people that need help. And it's like, I'm not even trying to take up the.

It's like I got this one girl who will only call me snow white the whole time. And I'm getting irritated. And it's like, she actually needs help. I just want to fucking go home. So, yeah, I get out of that. And it's like they make me see a court ordered psychologist for a while. I have to meet with her because like, and if you don't, you could be brought back here, which I don't know if I could if they could have but so I meet her and she's telling me like until you can prove to me that you have this like you don't have this you're bipolar you have to take

these this this and this and that just really messed with me because you I mean you start a new medication and then it's like they're flipping me and there's certain medications or like okay take this but make sure you wash like make sure you were keeping watch over your entire body for like the next three days Cuz if you get a rash it could be fatal and stuff. It just random stuff That really messed me up and like made me be like damn I already kind of had imposter syndrome when I like got diagnosed with ADHD the first time because it was like I felt so Dumb and then it made sense and now it's like fuck. I'm dumb again, but it's like, okay I wasn't just because a doctor says something like you're allowed

to get a second opinion and also my doctor who I – And a third and a fourth. Yeah, the doctor who I had worked with for years in college before that knew me. We had such a good rapport. We really had a plan and I eventually got back on that. And so that was really tough. I mean, that was like one of the lowlights. That was the main thing I was probably gonna write in

about the time before I decided to just come be a do and work for you because- And how long was that right before you started working with me? That was in October. So that would have been like six months. I think we started working in like June. What a turnaround.

It really was, yeah. To go from that to working here and now you're seeing all these other crazy fucking lunatics. You're like, I love you so bad. I was gonna say, I laugh because I laugh about your Kaiser Permanente joke because that's who I have now. And I will say, my experience with Kaiser so far

has like, every experience I've had, I feel like there's been like a little piece of like, healing from like, what I'm still trying to like, unprogram myself from that other one. Cause it was just weird. Military stuff's weird, especially when you're not in it like that. You know, like I moved in at Devin's,

like the end of his service. It's not like I'm a dependa who's like with other military wives who understand it. It's just like, I live with Devin, Devin goes to work, I'm in school. And so it was just, yeah, it was scary. It was wild. It's crazy cause I really feel like I came out more

traumatized than I went in to the psych unit. So I was scary, it was wild. It's crazy because I really feel like I came out more traumatized than I went in to the psych unit. So I was like, I feel like I needed another psych unit after that one, but I was so traumatized I couldn't do it. But yeah, and then after that things got turned around and I'm starting to get better. Go for you. Yeah. I love you so much.

I love you too. I really appreciate working for you. You're a great boss. I want to ask you, we got it up. Thank you for saying that. 16-year-old me, what's the advice you'd give to 16-year-old Kirsten? I've actually thought about this. Kirsten Moll.

That's who you'd be then, right? Yeah. Kirsten Moll. Yep. Yep. Actually, I've thought about this a lot just because my sister's close to this age now and everything at that time just felt so finite. So everything just felt like this is how it's gonna be.

And I think I would just tell her, it's not as serious as you think it is. It's gonna be fine. And nothing about worrying about tomorrow's problems are just gonna take away today's peace. So stop, give yourself some grace. It's not as heavy as you think it's gonna be. Well said. Thank you for doing this. Yeah, give yourself some grace. It's not as, it's not as heavy as you think it's going to be. So well said.

Yeah. Thank you for doing this. Yeah. Thanks for that. Me. Um, as always Ryan Sickler on all your social media, Ryan sickler.com. Have a great new year. I hope all your dreams come true.

Happy healthy and wealthy 2025 to y'all. Talk to y'all next week. you