The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Libbie Higgins - HoneyHiggins

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

My HoneyDew this week is comedian Libbie Higgins! (Slop City, Storage Podcast) Libbie Highlights the Lowlights of trauma caused by her older brother. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] CATCH ME ON TOUR https://www.ryansickler.com/tour Columbus, OH | April 12th & 13th Toledo, OH | April 26th & 27th Los Angeles, CA | May 12th Miami, FL | June 7th & 8th Get Your HoneyDew Gear Today! https://shop.ryansickler.com/ Ringtones Are Available Now! https://www.apple.com/itunes/ http://ryansickler.com/ https://thehoneydewpodcast.com/ SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 SPONSORS: Mack Weldon -Get 20% off your first order at https://www.MackWeldon.com when you use code HONEYDEW Cozy Earth -Get up to 35% off site wide when you use code HONEYDEW at https://www.cozyearth.com Ritual -Get 25% off your first month for a limited time at https://www.ritual.com/HONEYDEW

Columbus, Ohio. I'm headed your way Friday April 12th and Saturday April 13th Toledo, Ohio the live and alive tour is headed your way. I'll be there Friday April 26th and Saturday April 27th Los Angeles Sunday May 12th. I'll be at the bourbon room for my show During the Netflix is a joke fest Miami, Florida. I'm bringing the live and alive tour your way. I'll be at the Miami Improv Friday, June 7th and Saturday, June 8th. Get your tickets now.

All tickets are available at RyanSickler.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to the honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Nightpan Studios. I am Ryan Sickler, ryan sickler.com, Ryan Sickler on all your social media. I'm going to start this episode like I start them all by saying thank you, thank you for supporting this show. Thank you for whatever you do that helps me out. Thank you very much.

All right. This show is an important show. I love it. It's been going for years now and I thank you for that. And if you gotta have more like a lot of you do, then you gotta check out the Patreon. It's called the Honeydew with y'all, and it is this show with y'all, and y'all have the craziest, wildest stories I've ever heard in my life.

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If I am in your town when you're around, tour dates are up right now. Tickets are on sale at Ryan sickler dot com. All right. That's it. You guys know what we're doing over here. We highlight the low lights. Always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. And I am very excited to have this guest on today for the first time, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Libby Higgins. Welcome to the Honey Bee Libby.

Thank you so much. Thank you for doing this. Well, look, Kirsten is a huge fan of yours. Her mom, they all love you. Her mom flew in for this. Whoa. Yeah. Her mom wasn't just here.

She came strategically to see you guys. Whoa. I would have talked to her. And I obviously know Chelsea and Paige. I know Paige through Chelsea and now I know you through them, but I didn't know you prior and Kirsten's like, you gotta trust me. You gotta, you gotta. So I'm glad we can make this work. I appreciate you doing this. What if you trust them and then this turns out to be the worst episode ever? Well, we'll see. Who's getting fired out there? I'm not sure.

That's a good question. That's a damn good question. Well, before people lose their jobs or anything, please plug and promote everything you would like, all of it. Well, my big thing I'm trying to focus on now is my Patreon, which is of course under Libby Higgins. Touring with Chelsea Lynn in about two weeks. We're gonna be touring for a couple months.

And then just my Instagram, come over to my Instagram. It's the best. Do I show nude to D? No. Um. show, new to Dino. Um, but I do show that all my only fans with some shutting down because, uh, you had an only fans as well. I do. And it's mostly just, but, and, um, and is that front.

So I'm just, what do you mean by front? I'm trying to not say a lot of cuss words up front. Okay. So I was just sitting out there learning about only if I had no idea, like I'm trying to not say a lot of cuss words up front. Got it. Boob? Can we say boob? Boob, boob. Okay. So I was just sitting out there learning about OnlyFans. I had no idea.

Obviously you guys don't do PORN, but I don't even know if that'll get picked up or whatever. You obviously don't do that, but I didn't know. There's so many rules about OnlyFans. No poop, no anything like that. I'm like, wait, so you can poop on someone in a sexual act and that's allowed, but if you shart or talk about shitting, you can't. If you lose your bowels, it's unacceptable. That's crazy logic.

It's shame, they're shaming you. That's crazy logic. Yeah. Well, speaking of shame, let's talk about our life stories here. Can we get into it? That's, I mean, just shame overflowing. I think because I grew up Catholic, so that's one issue.

All right, I did too. Did you really? Yeah, I did. And we're the same age. You say you're 50, right? I'm 50, just turned 50. Yeah. And I don't know people's ages anymore.

So I thought you were in your 30s. When you said you were 50, I'm like, what? I don't know people's ages anymore. You need to go get that vision checked too, me and you. Tell me, where are you from? Let's talk about your story. Where are you from originally? I grew up in St. Louis, Missouri.

Okay. I spent almost my whole life there till last year when I moved to Nashville. Oh, wow. Yeah. Really? You spent 49 years in St. Louis and you just moved?

49 years. Wow, okay. And couldn't be more excited to get away from it. I love that I have a fresh start in Nashville. But I grew up in the city, just regular family, mom, dad, sister, two brothers. But yeah, I grew up Catholic, and I think that is where a lot of my shame comes from,

because I carry so much shame. And I don't think there is an amount of therapy that can erase shame or guilt or you know, they put so much of that on. Oh Better not touch yourself. God's watching like what? Can't get a divorce God's watching what? Like why is he watching me like dude watch someone else, bro. There's a lot of me. Literally nothing going on here, God. So what did your dad do and your mom do for a living? My mom was a housewife until they were divorced when I was about six.

My dad worked for the Canadian National Railroad, so he was like a salesman. And yeah, they got divorced when I was about six, and then things really changed. My mom had to start working, and that's really when poverty set in. Oh yeah? Yeah. Do you go live with mom?

Mom, yeah. Okay. And does dad stay close by? Does he stay in your life, or is he like deuces out? No, dad stayed in our life, saw him regularly, and it wasn't until, God, closer to adulthood, like 18, 20, that I realized my dad was an alcoholic, but not in the sense where he beat us or came home angry. He just drank all the time. And I guess that was the reason that my parents got divorced. And nobody in my family ever talked about that kind of stuff though.

So it's all kind of figuring out stuff as I went along. Okay. So mom leaves him and now she's got three kids, four kids, four kids, and she's a single mom who has to go get a job and hasn't worked in a minute. Yeah. And what's that like for her? Do you remember how old are you? You're six, you said?

I was about six when they were divorced. It was weird for me because I was, I consider myself just a big baby my whole life, always crying. And I didn't like to be away from my mom. So she was gone for long hours. And then with her being gone, then that's when, I don't know if you want to get into it right away, but that allowed time for my brother then to prey upon me. You have an older brother?

Older brother, yeah. So where do you fall in the four? So older sister, older brother, me, than my younger brother. Okay. So, you know, it's years of therapy you realize like, he was too old to be messing around with me, but he was still a kid himself, which is how I sort of like reckon with it, like he was a kid. How old were you at the time?

I was like nine-ish and he was closer to like 13. Okay. And at the time seemed so much older, but looking back, I'm like, he was a kid. He was a kid too. Um, but I think I always like to attribute that, attribute that, um, abuse to everything bad that happens into my life.

But I think really like I was born not, um, I'm not going to say not normal, but I think really, like, I was born not, I'm not gonna say not normal, but I think I always had some kind of emotional or mental health thing, even as a little kid, because I just remember always crying. And you feel like you remember that before this abuse and stuff? Yes. So you feel like you've always been, had big feelings? Yes, big feelings. Yes, big feelings. Okay. And it's, I remember people around me shaming me for that, which obviously is very sad,

like shaming a little kid for having big feelings, as you said. Yeah, it's wild how adults around you can like hurt you. It's wild how adults around you can hurt you. That's what fucks me up now thinking about. I could potentially be unintentionally hurting kids. All of us could, and we don't even know. That's sad. So can I ask you this?

Your brother, the abuse, can we talk about it? Yeah, of course. I mean, I guess you're alluding to sexual abuse. Yes, sexual abuse. Now, can I ask you this before we get into it? Do you know you had one other sister or two? One sister. Did he also do this with her?

No, because she was older. You think that was the only reason? You don't think because you were emotional, he felt like maybe you were a target or? I really don't believe he had that much thinking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I don't think he was like,

oh, I'm gonna do this to her because she's younger. And I think it just, I don't know. I mean, in all the years of therapy and everything I've had, I don't know. I mean, in all the years of therapy and everything I've had, I can't explain it. You shouldn't have to either. Yeah, that's true. You shouldn't have to, you didn't do anything. That's true.

So when did it start? How did it start? I don't remember exactly. I do wanna go back though. When I was even smaller, six, I was at my grandmother's and she lived in Tennessee and there was many times when we were just like shipped to Tennessee for the summer and I hated it there. So we were there a lot and kind of just on our own running around

the neighborhood as kids and an older man molested me. It was as far as I can remember a one time thing, but I remember looking off and seeing my brother watching it happen, which is weird. And a lot of times I'm like, is this a memory that I've created, like a false memory? But it's so vivid and I remember exactly what happened to the T and sometimes when people approach me from behind, I get startled just because it happened from behind. Wow, really? Is this too deep and scary for you? No, no.

This is what this show is. It ain't too scary for me, I promise. I want you to be comfortable. Oh, I'm comfortable. I'm ready to hear whatever, but I also don't want to dig into something that makes you super uncomfortable. No, I like talking about it because you spend so many years

not talking about it and feeling so much shame. And then you got the fucking Catholic bullshit thrown on top of the regular guilt and shame that you're confused about. So it's just fucking shoving everything down, but praise Jesus. Praise Jesus. Praise the Lord. And he's up there like, whoa!

He's like, I ain't doing shit. We had the biggest crucifix in our church too, and it was just like front and center, just like eyes open. Yeah, it's creepy as fuck, yeah. Bleeding all up on the head and shit, yeah. Am I okay? Okay, so you don't really remember the age it started. Do you remember the first time or first thing that happened?

I don't, I remember that my parents had porn magazines. You don't have to whisper. You just said it like, you said it like your parents were gonna hear you. They had porn magazines. They had pornographic magazines and I remember he would make me get in the same positions as the people in the magazines and pretend he was taking pictures. So- And 13 he's doing this.

Yeah. So it was like a thing like, oh, do what she's doing and we'll take a picture. And it would just. Well, this is way more than just touching someone or fondling someone. Yeah, that's how it started though. And then it went into touching

and there was never penetration. And this is so ridiculous. He would ask me, he would want to penetrate me and I would say as a child, I don't wanna get pregnant. See six, you knew that. This was nine, six was the stranger at my grandparents. More around eight or nine was when it was with my brother. And God, they're just, I remember for so, so many years just feeling so much

guilt because when some of the things were happening, my body was reacting in a pleasure way. And that fucked me up for so long. This is what I hear a lot is that's what one of the most confusing thing is, is like, you know that this person's doing something wrong too and they shouldn't be. However, what they're doing isn't, it's not burning you or cutting you. It's a pleasurable feeling and the minute you feel like you, it's enjoyable for a second, you're like, what is happening? Right. Yeah, yeah, that's gotta be torture.

That took me years to finally tell a therapist it actually felt good when it was happening sometimes and she's like, no, no, that's normal and that doesn't mean that you wanted it or it's your fault. Hearing that really changed everything for me, honestly. Knowing that just because my body is reacting a certain way doesn't mean I'm enjoying it.

Right. And then, you know, I don't remember when it stopped. I don't remember why it stopped, but it was mostly just him touching me, him. I don't know how detailed you want me to get performing oral on me, wanting me to do it on him. At that age too, good Lord. Yes. performing oral on me, wanting me to do it on him. At that age too, good Lord. Yes.

And your mom is just out working. Mom's out working. And you don't ever tell dad or mom, you don't whisper a thing. Does he tell you not to? Does he ever threaten you? No, I don't think he ever did. And at that point I started acting out, really just being a bad kid.

And when I say acting out, I just mean cussing out my mom, acting like a little a-hole at home. At like 10 or 11? Yeah, just acting. Which then also carried shame because then my sisters and brothers were like, why is she acting like a little a-hole,

whispering everything? And really I felt like I was crying out, like somebody noticed what's happening to me. But at school, because it was like my safe space, that's where I thrived. I was like, wanted to stay after school and sweep the, this is very old timey, sweep the classroom for the teacher. Remember the erasers? Lost the chalkboards, clap the timey, sweep the classroom for the teacher.

Or remember the erasers? You lost the chalkboards, clap the erasers, I used to do that. I wanted to do that stuff. A little sponge and wipe the chalkboards. Yes! Oh God, I do. Anything not to go home, I guess.

Was this a daily thing, a nightly thing? It's so weird with these kind of things. Where to feel like it at least. It was... A lot. Well, once is more than enough. Yeah, it was, I'm not gonna say daily, I don't know. And I don't know how much my brain has blocked out, but it was enough where it was not okay.

And did you ever confide in anyone in school, a friend? Oh, no. No, you literally did keep this all to yourself. I kept it until in my twenties and my body couldn't keep it in anymore, I don't think, because I started getting a lot of anxiety, tons of anxiety where I was having panic attacks. So when does it stop? How do you put a stop to it? I don't think I did.

I think it just stopped. It just stopped. There became a time too when my brother- With you moved out of the house? Yeah. Wow. put a stop to it. I don't think I did. I think it just stopped. It just stopped. There became a time too when my brother- When you moved out of the house? Yeah. He was a bit troubled. A bit.

And even talking about it, it makes me sad for him because I don't know what happened to him. Something had to have happened to him. I was going to ask you if you ever found out. There's no way. And I'm not defending anything this person did to you at all. But I agree. There's no way he's just one day just thinks of these things on his own and is like, do

this and do this and do this. No. Yeah. I don't know what happened to him. And he pretty much became estranged from our family. Even before I told. He just was always off and wondering. And I don't know where he is now.

I don't know if he's alive. You don't. My parents are both dead. I don't know why I'm laughing. I often have a very inappropriate response. I'll start laughing. That's the show, bro. This show's meant for you, girl, I swear.

And so many therapists have told me, what you're saying isn't funny, so please stop laughing. They say stop laughing? Oh, they'll say, or they'll explain to me, you're covered, this is the response. Yeah, it's a nervous response. Yeah, but what should you do, sob then? I'd rather you laugh a little and have that, okay, this person is, I don you know, this is a nervous response. Yeah, but what should you do? Sob then? I'd rather you laugh a little and have that like, okay,

this person is, I don't know. I think that's a sign of mental strength to be able to take something that's so adverse and ugly and then flip it into like, what am I, I mean, if I don't laugh, I'm crying. Right, exactly. And flip it into a funny thing. If not, it doesn't need to be for everybody else either. Fuck that therapist.

That shit's for you. You didn't laugh for their sake to make them comfortable. You laughed so you could get through it. Yeah, yeah. So you're my therapist now is what you're saying? Listen, we got another 40 minutes. I got three more after you. Oh shit.

Yeah, I want to say that's probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me. And only- Yeah, listen,, I want to say that's probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me. And it only, I only hope so. God. It's wild to me that that thing, if you literally think about it, my brother touching my privates in an inappropriate way has an effect on almost everything that happened after. Why? That's what I want to know.

As my new therapist, Ryan, what's happening? Well, I would say- Oh, he's gonna break it down. I would say, my guess is I'm not certified in any way, but you're so young when that's happening to you. It's almost, I mean, we believe in Santa Claus at six. You know what I mean? What are you not gonna believe at that age?

And even though your gut and everything inside you tells you this is wrong. Now this person is violating your trust, violating your family bond. Like this is family. This isn't like your brother's friend or even a cousin. This is under your roof now. So now you don't have a safe space anymore. And if you said it yourself, people come up behind you and you flinch.

I mean, it's affected every fiber in you, but how could it not? How could it not? And it'd be different too if you said, oh, he just beat me. Then you get, okay, because honestly then he's, okay, this is an angry person doing something to me and none of that felt good. But then you got this other thing and you're like, and damn, that felt good. And like, now what's my body? Is my body betraying me?

Like, all your trust is violated, even your own. It's those genitals, man. It's all about the genitals. Those genitals take it to that next level. They always do, yeah. You hit me on my lower back, it's physical abuse. You touched my butt, we're talking sexual abuse. It could be a three inch space

where it changes from physical to sexual. Wow. Yup. That's the truth though. It really is. Picture a photo, meet and greet. Somebody's got their hand on your lower back, but sexual abuse. Well, unless you're asking for it, unless you put it down there. All right. I have so many questions.

Oh, I'm ready to answer them. Cause you said until I told. So you did finally. I had to. I had to tell. Oh, I'm just writing a note down so I don't forget. Who? He's writing worst. No, I didn't write it worst.

Yes, ever. Shut it down now. Everyone's fired. All right, so what age do you finally tell and who do you tell first? I told people at a hospital because I had to be hospitalized because I was just losing it. Just could not function. Panic attacks around the clock.

And at the time, I didn't really know what a panic attack was. This was in the 90s. Think you're having a heart attack? I I didn't know really know what a panic attack was. This was in the nineties. You think you're having a heart attack? I just didn't know. I thought I was losing my mind. And was this like, forgive me if this is a dumb question, but was this on your mind every day weighing heavily or do you now realize it just in your subconscious? It's affecting you every day. Just in the subconscious.

Okay. Just in the subconscious and I felt like I couldn't tell my family because I felt that it would break my family apart. Did you ever end up telling your mom or dad? I did. You did. Yeah. I finally, cause like I said, I had to, was in the hospital cause I told the people in the hospital, like this happened to me.

I don't think I'm okay from it. And then they're like, we happened to me. I don't think I'm okay from it. And then they're like, we think you should probably tell your family. And I brought my mom and dad in and told them. And the- And they're divorced at the time. Divorced.

So they came together for this? Yeah. Okay. And my dad looked so, so sad. Like the saddest I've ever seen him. And they didn't ask a lot of questions. Oh, you're killing me. I mean, I'm a dad and I'm just sitting here putting myself in your, it's not only some

kid that did this to his daughter, this is his own other son. You know what I mean? Like, not that your story is not important. I'm just saying, holy shit, to be a parent in that situation. That's two of your kids. One clearly has something going on, right? And is doing something to the other one. Man. So did they believe you? They believed me, yes. Why?

Why did they believe me? I think because they saw that I was in such anguish. They never really caught on to anything or had a hint or never? No. Mom or dad? Mom or dad. And my mom, I don't know why, but my mom really got the short end of the sick because I blamed her more. And I feel bad for that. But I really, for years I blamed her. Like, why didn't you protect me? That's how it was going in my mind. Why didn't you protect me?

But it really wasn't her fault. And she couldn't have known. She didn't know this was happening. And luckily, a few years before she died, I was able to tell her like, look, I was angry at you for a long time and I'm sorry about that. And it was a good talk that we had. And I'm glad we had it because she basically was like,

I didn't know and I would have done everything that I could have had I known. Now there is one thing this is reminding me. When I was really acting out, they sent me to a psychiatrist, right? First of all, the guy was smoking in the office, the psychiatrist. Just-

Smoking in the office. In his own little tiny ass office. And he's smoking and he pulls out a cigarette. He's like, do you smoke? Like, no. Ask me if I smoke marijuana after I smoke cigarettes. And basically the gist of it, in my kid mind, I'm thinking he's trying to figure out why I'm acting bad.

So I said to him, it's my brother's fault, but I wouldn't say why. I just said it's my brother's fault. Did he get it? No. He did? And it was one of those, oh, it's your brother's fault why you're acting like this. I think if it was a psychiatrist now,

they would be able to pick up on that, but back then, what was this, the 80s? He's just like, how is it his fault? It was a lean back too, like, oh, your brother's fall. Huh? Wild. And my mom- It kind of ensured so he got-

My mom tricked me too to get me there. Oh, she did? She told me- You didn't want to go? This is really fucked up. I didn't want to go. She told me that we were going gonna go to a weight loss doctor because at that age, when I was 10 or 11,

I thought I should lose weight. Now I haven't always been this fat. I used to be thin, but in my 10 year old mind, I thought I had to lose weight. And my mom was taking me to a weight loss doctor. Why was my mom gonna take me to a weight loss doctor, dude? 10, yeah. Things were wild, dude? Yeah, 10. Yeah.

Things were wild in the 80s, man. Whoa. Do you know if you're the only child of your siblings that suffered any abuse outside of possibly your brother? My sister never said she did, and my brother never said- Did you talk to all your siblings? Yes. Did you ever confront your brother? Did you ever have a chance to say something to him face to face?

No. He was already strange. I never, anytime... Well, he would be strange, but he would come around. Like, so when my dad was really sick and dying, he would come around and I never would say anything. I just would act regular because I thought... Would he be sheepish around you at all? No.

Or anything? Nothing. He'd act like Totally a normal person because I don't think in his mind. He thought he did anything wrong So you're suffering this the whole time by yourself this kid's not Again, whatever happened to him happen him But I'm saying he's not carrying this guilt of what he did to you the way you have doesn't appear so Wow Doesn't appear so. Wow. Doesn't appear so. Damn. Guys tend to think looking sharp means

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Like, so at this point when you're, you say your dad was sick, so he, you had already told him what happened. Yeah. And he didn't say anything about your brother being there or anything? I don't know what they were saying to him. Never said to you or you comfortable? Never said to me. Yeah, nobody ever said that.

And it became a thing where they didn't talk about him around me. I don't know what they were saying to each other or... Did they ever confront him? I don't know. And now they to each other or... Did they ever confront him? I don't know. And now they're gone? Now they're gone. And you don't know where the hell he is? And I don't know that I even care.

I don't know that talking to him about it would help. I think it might flare something up, might flare up an old infection. Is there anything you would love to say to him? I, in my brain, I would almost want him to say like, yeah, I did do it. Because it's, sometimes our brains are weird. And I'm not saying my brain made it up, but I just want to hear from him like, yeah, it did happen.

All these years you've been suffering, absolutely it's real. Yeah, I did that, yeah. But I don't really need that, I don't think. You think you have what you need now at this point by 50? But God, I hope so. Yeah, I think I really do. Do you have kids?

No. No. And that's another like Trauma response. I think because I don't want to Worry about a kid something happening like this to my kid Cuz I'd kill him ever yeah, yeah, I don't I don't want to have to worry about fucking up a kid Cuz you can easy to easy So, all right, so can I ask you these questions then? When you start getting sexual yourself, does this affect you? Do you go buck wild early or do you all that Catholic guilt also? Do you keep your virginity for a while, and how does that affect you when you first want to actually yourself enjoy someone physically?

I didn't start enjoying sex till way late. I'm talking- How's way late? Thirty. Okay. Enjoying it's different than having it. Now having it, had it at 14. Okay.

A lot of dry humping before that. You know? You love of dry humping before that. You know, you love the dry humping. Um, but lost my virginity very early in, um, to the guy with the biggest long. Why do you keep whispering? You said schlong. The biggest ding dong. And I didn't even know. Are you saying to this day, still at 50, that kid probably had the biggest dick.

The biggest. Get the fuck out of here. Your first one's the biggest. I didn't know. I had no idea until I started seeing other ones and I was like, whoa, dude, that was something special. Should've rode that thing. Damn.

Where he at? That's hilarious. Everyone after that is like, ah, ah. I mean, just monster cock. How old was he? He was 14. 14 with a huge. Just huge, dude.

Golly. And I never did like fun stuff with it. It was always just really, mostly I was always afraid of getting pregnant, always. I'd be on birth control and have him pull out and still be like, I'm going to get pregnant. I don't know how I haven't gotten pregnant to this point. Thank God, Jesus. Big schlong.

Outside of the big dick thing, was it difficult to like enjoy? Yeah, it was. You know what I mean? Like you say you didn't enjoy till 30. So what's, are you just sort of scratching an itch, so to speak in your twenties, like, cause you wanted it or you just sort of scratching an itch, so to speak, in your 20s, like, because you wanted it, or you just couldn't enjoy it?

I never even really wanted it. I wanted, it's so sad, I wanted somebody to love me, so I would fuck whoever, so the dude would love me, or like me. So I wasn't really using my. Pussy. I wasn't using it in the way where I was like, oh, yeah, you know, it was more just like, I'm just doing this because that's what the dude wants.

God. And then I, when I started masturbating, which was late too. That's I mean mean, look, it's so tough for you because that could be Catholic bullshit alone. That could be. It could be. So how old's late for... In my 20s. Okay. Is that late for a lady to masturbate?

I feel like that's late because I know some people, I know some people start humping stuff when they're young. You know, just. And to me, I'm like, I had so much shame. I'm like, feeling a tingling down there as a little kid. I was like, whoa, that's what's happening. Yeah. And it was tingling over weird stuff. Can I tell you what it was tingling over?

You might remember this. Well, got you. Remember the mini series, Thorn Birds? Thorn Birds, I don't think. You know what? Did they have a little, when they did the thing, all the little birds would fly out? Maybe.

I can't, that's the only thing I can even see in my head. But it was about a priest. It was about a priest. Oh, I don't know that, I don't know. Your pussy's tingling over a priest? Yes, always. Love a priest. That's so fucked up, dude.

Are you serious? Yes, I don't know why I just loved. I loved them because they were nice guys at school. You know, we had the school and the church and they were- Oh, you also went to Catholic school. Yeah, and they were in charge and they were just like, like father figures. But something about it was I was just like, yeah, what's going on with you, father? Ever bang a priest?

No. Man. You missed that one. Love role playing though. I should have somebody dress up as a priest. You should definitely have a priest come give you a little, you know, exorcism. I've sinned today, Father. Oh, I'm going to have to confess my sins. God, just delete this whole thing. So at 30, you say you start enjoying it. Why?

What happens? Did you meet someone who really made you feel safe? Safe, yes. And ate my pussy also. It's an eating thing for me. Because remember, I have the trauma of my brother doing it. Yeah, of course. So then I had to separate that.

And you also had to perform. So now, you know, these things come back in your life in a real way with someone you want to actually be with. And yeah, I'm sure it's all fucking kinds of. You're like, wait a minute, what? Yeah, so it was basically just, I think it's time. Like eventually time and therapy just make you okay with not okay with stuff, but make you able to survive.

Yes, cope. Cope. Yeah. And then it just becomes, I guess you get desensitized to it because the more you do it, the less you think about your brother trying to fuck you. Who was the guy? You don't have to say his name or anything, but what was it about this guy that really opened you up?

He did. I don't know how to say this. Whoa. It just worked. you know, really opened you up. You know what it says there. Whoa! It just worked. Like, he didn't, I didn't feel gross. Like, for a lot of my life, I would feel gross sexually.

And I was, like, I just felt gross in my body. I felt like my body was gross. You didn't feel attractive, you mean? Or you felt like you were doing something wrong? I body was gross. I felt like my. You didn't feel attractive, you mean? Or not, or you felt like you're doing something wrong? I just felt gross. Just like everything about me was gross. Like maybe my pussy wasn't as delicious as other pussies.

You know what I mean? Do you think that big dick 14 year old wonders if anybody after him is bigger? Or if he's just demolishing vaginas out of the game. He's wondering if I had the tightest little pussy in town. Oh my God. This goddamn guy's a pussy record. 14. Damn.

I don't think he had... Do you think you know at 14 that you have a huge... I think if you see porn, then maybe, but I think when we grew up, you would never have known whether that was big or small. You wouldn't. You wouldn't. Because we didn't have, you didn't see that shit in Playboy. You know what I mean? You didn't see the dude's dick. I don't even think in Hustler. I can't even remember. It wasn't until like Spice Channel came out,

where you're like, all right, I think I'm all right here. I think I'm all right. Well, we had a gay friend and he would always say, he would make comments about his bulge in his pants. He'd be like, dang, he's, and I didn't think anything of it because I wasn't really thinking about Dick like that. Didn't interest me like that.

Now, now though, I'm looking at Dick. You wanna wear that dick from the past? I'm looking at Dick. You wonder where that Dick from the past is. I'm looking this guy up on Facebook and being like, Hey, what's up? I love that you're 50 and you still think about that guy's fucking Dick at 14. That's a 36 year or something. I can't believe it's been that long.

That guy's Dick in your mind. And the fact that like, the worst part to me is that when I was- You said I never even did anything fun with it. That's the worst part. Because at 14, I could have been doing splits on that thing and I was doing straight missionary. I didn't do doggy, dude.

I didn't know how to do doggy at 14. If I could back that thing up on it now. Izzy, you got it. I'm sure you can find him on Facebook. He's married. Yeah, I've already checked. He's fucking married, dude. Somebody locked that dick down.

Oh. Okay, so at 30, you start enjoying sex. Now, are you enjoying it with every partner after that or is it just the men who make you feel safe? Or have you hit like your stride at this point? Well, 30 I kind of was doing a little promiscuous stuff. And for me that was meeting, maybe it was my late 20 twenties then, cause some of these guys I was meeting on, wow, don't even want to say this out loud.

AOL dating. How embarrassing. Also, I don't know, just as a woman on stuff like that earlier back in the day, I feel like it's just a breeding ground for murderers too. Like you've got to be so trusting to go out and do that. Do you carry? No. No. Is St. Louis a carry out and do that. Do you carry?

No. No. Is St. Louis a carry state? They are. Missouri, right? Yeah, hell yeah they are. Our opener had a fucking gun on him in Kansas city. That's right.

Whoa. Yeah. He had a gun. He had a piece in his back and somebody was like, Hey, your opener's got a gun. I was like, you really got a gun? He's like, yeah, I got a gun. Yeah. I was like, okay.

Okay. Cool. Yeah. Excuse me. I burped. I can't have weapons because I'll kill someone, no. I have OCD and intrusive thoughts, so I would just be obsessing over, well, what if I accidentally shoot my toe

or shoot myself in the stomach? Like, what, why would you think that? Okay. So in addition to all the other trauma and things I have, I also have OCD, the truth of thoughts, which I didn't know I had till about, I'm gonna say 10 years ago. Why do you mean, well, who classified it for you?

Who made you understand what that was? Because I finally was able to tell the psychiatrist what was happening in my head, instead of being scared to say it. Okay. Because that's, are you familiar with OCD and intrusive thoughts? OCD, yes. Intrusive thoughts, no. That's what I want to ask you. What exactly are those? So I will-

Is that when you're driving, you're like, take the wheel, no stand? Yes. Okay, okay. I didn't know there was a title for it. I get that. So it's, the difference is everybody thinks a weird thought like that. So I'll think, oh, what if I lose control of the car and kill that nice family that's walking? Okay, that's fine, everybody's like, oh, that's a weird thought.

I will obsess over why did I have that thought? Am I a murderer? Am I a serial killer? I see. What's happening? And then to alleviate myself from having those thoughts, I can't drive down that street for six months, two weeks, or however long it is because I don't want to feel that anxiety from thinking that. And where does your therapist say that comes from?

He didn't say, but him telling me that's what it was, I was like, holy shit, because then I could start researching it and be like, okay, this is normal. I'm not actually a diabolical killer who will kill someone on the side of the road. Or, you know, it's just even with like knives and kitchens, if I see one, I'm like, what if I pick up the knife and start stabbing myself in the stomach? That's ridiculous. Why would anyone do that? But that's mostly where the thought ends for people. Then you go... Right. My brain goes, okay, so you're a killer, you're a murderer.

Right. And I can't stop there, then it's, okay, what if I accidentally go outside and start stabbing someone's dog? And then I'm like, okay, then I go to jail, I'm on death row. It just goes the whole gamut. You can't stop. It goes from the knife to me being on death row. the whole gamut. You can't stop. It goes from the knife to me being on death row.

And that's really troubling for someone who doesn't know what that is. And that caused panic attacks in me. I see. And it still happens. I will have, I say an episode, I call them about once a year. Do you know what specifically triggers it?

Like, is it like, oh, shit, here this comes again, stress or? I never know. It seems to be in periods of transition. So like the last time we came off tour, where I was sort of not as busy, and then I guess my mind starts working. And then before I know it, I'm out for the count for like a week. I can't get out of bed.

I can't eat. Want to call 911 constantly. Really? Yeah. It's like I feel like I need help, but no one can really help you with that. What are they going to do? I mean, over here, they want to give you a pill. Oh, love a good pill. Yeah. I have a lot of anxiety about-

Kalana pins or whatever. I don't know. See, I don't know. I'm a bit of a like virgin when it comes to the pills. I don't know them like that, but I hear people sit here and tell me they take those to fly and I'll put them to sleep, shit like that. But in my brain, my brain's like, if you take this pill to help you feel better now, you have to always take it. And that's why I don't drink before I do stand up. Now you're a drug addict. Right, exactly.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're gonna be out on the streets. I can't do anything before I do stand up, because if I have a good set and I've had a beer or something, then I'm like, now I have to drink one beer before every set, and then I become an alcoholic, I lose my family and friends, I lose my car.

It goes that far for you. It just goes on. So once you learn that's what this thing is, does that help you mentally get a hold of this shit? Yes, it does. Does that really help you stop it from going all the way down that road? Most times. There's sometimes a little just get me

and I don't know if it's just the true function of the illness. It'll get me and there's, I can't get me and there's I can't get out of it. I can't get out of it for a while. And it's alarming because I'm like, I got shit to do. I can't be in my bed terrified to leave. But sometimes the thoughts are so terrifying and so scary. I had these intrusive thoughts one time that I was gonna walk upstairs. And I wanna be clear, I'm not,

my brain is not saying to me, you're going to walk upstairs and kill your mom. My brain is saying, what if you lose control and you kill your mom? I know I'm not gonna lose control, right? But for whatever reason, my brain was like, what if you walk upstairs and hurt your mom? So then that freaked me out

because I don't want to hurt my mom. And it led to me wanting to be in the hospital because I wanted to be safe. From yourself. From myself, which then led to me telling healthcare professionals I had this thought. And then they're looking at me telling like healthcare professionals, I had this thought and then they're like, looking at me now like I am, you know, wanting to kill someone, which is a next level.

There's like suicide and then there's homicide, which is scary. But I had a really good nurse one time who was like, now, are you sure that's what's going on? Cause this is going to go in your file here. You really want me to put that? And I was like making clear that it was not something I really wanted to do. And it was just like a thought.

So luckily I've had some good people in the healthcare professionals that have helped me. I think those people also see like the worst of the worst that we couldn't even imagine. And then hopefully they see someone like you and they're like, I'm gonna help this person here because she doesn't know the system she's about to enter into by saying she wants to kill her mom.

Like you're gonna get lost in that system and it's over for you. And it was another thing where I was like, I said to that my doctors are trying to kill me because they wouldn't, they took me off one medicine and had put me on another. And I was like saying, they're going to kill me if they keep this up.

And she, again, she was like, is that something that you really want me to write? And I'm like, I feel like they're trying to kill me. So, never confronted your brother. Never killed anyone. No, never killed anyone. Never killed anybody. The guy that deserved it, he confronted your brother. Never killed anyone. No, never killed anyone. Never killed anybody. The guy that deserved it, he doesn't go.

And how do you deal with it now? Does it still, do you still think about it a lot? The abuse? Yeah. I'd say it pops up once or twice a week. A week? Yeah. In what ways?

Just... Like in your own mind or do you hear something that makes you think? Something will remind me just of him specifically. And then there's a weird, there's a street bias. I'm not gonna say what the name of it is, but it's my brother's name plus the word lick. Jonathan Lick.

Jonathan Lick and that's the name of the street. And every time I pass it, I think of my brother because he licked me. Jonathan lick. Jonathan lick. And that's the name of the street. And every time I pass it, I think of my brother because he licked me. Oh no. I mean, think of the lick part. So every time I see it, I'm like, oh God. And every time I'm fine, but I do think of it. And I kind of go like, ooh, disturbing. like, ooh, disturbing. And when you told your siblings about it, what were their responses? Were they supportive, like your parents? Yeah, they, yeah, they did.

My sister who is even more of big feelings than me, she just takes it. She's, she really wanted just to protect me constantly because she kind of was, was in charge of us when she was... When she carried guilt that she wasn't there to help or whatever? Yeah, constant guilt for everything that anyone's ever done. My poor sister, God love her. You're also a Catholic family too, so you got so much guilt going on there. Thanks, Lord. So she, none of them were like, well, then fuck him then. None of them turned on...

Nobody ever said that. Would you have been okay if they did? No, because I probably would have internalized that as it's my fault that they can't see my brother. So you were okay with the fact that mom, dad, and siblings never really said fuck off or out of there to this guy? I don't think I was okay with it, but I was just like, it is what it is kind of thing. Like I think I had the feeling of,

oh yeah, I want them all on my side, but then was torn with the like, that's my mom's son, that's my dad's son. And that part is devastating to think like, my dad's son did something so horrifying. And not a son from another wife. It was a son from your mom. Right.

Yeah. To his biological sister. Yeah. And the fact that they never saw anything or caught anything or there was never any weird behavior or maybe there was and they just didn't say shit. Maybe they did. They blocked it. Back then they used to block shit out all the time.

The fact that my parents had porn magazines though, that's wild to me. Whoa. And separately or when they were together? Like your mom would have some when they split and your dad would also have some? My dad would have some and he had a- He kept them out easy to find? No, my dad had a, so we had linoleum floors in his bathroom and there was a rip and underneath that rip there was always a porn magazine in the bathroom.

I'm like, God, my dad's jerking off in the bathroom. How wild. And you found it? Oh yeah. Would always look at him because you'd be like, dang, that's a bush. Back in the day they had the bush. Yeah, your honor. It was.

Wow. Manicured bush too. Like, no, this is my bush and I'm going to trim it so it's nice. It seems like everybody was looking at porn though back in the day. Is that something that's- That's how we found it too. We had, I remember the first time we saw Playboy, it was a friend of our sister who stole it from her dad and gave it to us, like a bunch of us. We all passed it around.

That was the first Playboy magazine. I got a Penthouse magazine. I think it was Penthouse. There was an artist- That was a naughty one too. In the 80s named Samantha Fox. She was a British chick. Do you remember her?

Naughty girls need love too. That's it. That's right. That's all. Yes, it's true. I'm in love with you and believe it, baby. I've never heard that song. That right there will get us flagged.

Everything else would have been fun. No, I don't know. But yeah, I had a penthouse of her and I kept that between my mattress and box spring, but in an envelope. Like if you lifted it up, we're like, what's this manolavo size of a magazine? You know what I mean?

That's the title of his car. He swirled. And then someone gave us a porn in high school. We had a VHS that someone gave us. I want to, I'm almost positive it was called snake eyes. And it was one of those ones like we would watch it and then you go, you know, what I mean? It passed around to the neighborhood kid like, Hey Jeff, here's that snake.

That was it. Now you can go to fisting.com. You know what I mean? See somebody, put a foot up somebody's ass. You know, like the way we grew up though was, I don't know, it's much faster now, I feel like. And that's why I say for someone of your brother's age to be thinking of things like that and doing things like that

with not this whole, you know, internet where he can see that all day long 24-7. So I agree. I think something must have happened. Something. And your parents, you never asked them about that? No. My family was weird about talking about serious stuff. Yeah. Like we just didn't do it. It just was very uncomfortable. So go back to school for me.

What was, I know you were able to get away and you said you really, that was your safe space. Were you involved in sports and stuff? Softball, can't you tell? Big softball player here. Love softball. Yeah. I did like sports, but I mostly just liked being I'm a big softball player here. Love softball. I did like the sports, but I mostly just like being at school with my friends.

Or I love the teachers. And I was that annoying kid was like on the playground, like, hey, look at me. And the teachers like, that's really cool. That's great. And I thought they thought I was cool until I became a teacher. I taught for 22 years.

You did? Yes. Okay. And then I had kids saying to me like, hey, Ms. Libby, watch this. And then they would do a similar cool move. And I was like, what? I was that fucking kid, dude.

I was that annoying kid. You pulled him aside and be like, I was you when I was little. Listen, stop this shit. Look, kid, knock this shit off. Okay, wait, so what age group did you teach? I taught kindergarten through fifth grade special ed. Okay.

And did you ever, I wanted to ask you this, did you ever have any kids in there that you were able to talk to or help or anything? There were kids that I suspected were, you know, abused, mostly physical stuff. And of course I would call as a man and a reporter, I would call, but all of our kids were special needs and a lot of them didn't talk.

Oh, didn't talk, okay. So, they had autism. But I did that, and maybe I did that as a way to protect kids, protect my inner child. You never really thought about it? No, just until I said that. Yeah, I wonder. I mean, that's an interesting,

you picked that certain age group too. Yeah, little kids, little angels. And I did that up until I quit full time about three years ago. So you went from teaching to special ed kids, now you're out there talking about your pussy and everything. That's actually, I do that on stage. I'm like, I've taught special ed for 22 years

and they give it a beat. I'm like, now I talk about my pussy on stage. So it's a different kind of community service I'm doing here. And how strange to see a woman of my age going up there and immediately with the pussy jokes. Like, what is this lady doing? Love it.

Is it a dichotomy? Is that the right word? Tell us in the comments if I'm thinking of the right word. If I'm thinking of it. How do you deal with it now? Moving forward now, you say once, twice a week, do you do you medicate? Do you meditate? Do you like, what do you

do to get through your- I am medicated. I take Zoloft. Has it helped? I believe it has really helped with anxiety and OCD. Are you still in therapy or do you go when you need it? No, and I need it. You do?

Yeah. Yeah? It's just so time consuming and you also have to know, like it's gonna be hard. Yeah, you're- It's hard, don't matter. That's the thing, you're going to talk about your ugliest shit. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's not a picnic. It's not like, hey, let's get together and have brunch. You're like going in the fucking dark. And not trying to do bits the whole time. Yeah. Which I love. Like that's my thing. I love to get a therapist to laugh. You kidding me?

I'm doing bits from the time I walk in there. Yeah, I need to really, it's an investment in yourself and I need to do that. That's hard. Yeah, you gotta go relive all that shit. And you have to start over with every new one. It's like, can't I just give you a file? Yep. Can't you just look my shit up

so when I get here, we can just pick up where I left off. I gotta go back to my pussy again. I mean, come on. Brother molested me. First boyfriend had big dick. Mom fat shamed me when I wasn't even fat. That's... You know, I appreciate you coming on here. That's, you know, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that happened to you. And that's not an easy thing to come on here and talk about. And then even to find any humor in. So good for you, you're strong as shit. No, I don't know that I'm strong. Yeah you are. I'm just doing what I have to do. And then you went back and helped kids.

Aww. That's awesome. Yeah, you're really strong. You have a good heart. Thank you. All right, before I let you go, it's your first time here, I ask everyone, now that we've talked about what we've talked about,

any advice you would give to 16 year old Libby Higgins? Well, first of all, I would go ahead and tell her that one day she will meet the new kids on the block because that's all she wanted to do. Did you though? Oh my God, yes. Ha ha. Literally have two of the new kids on the block guys,

phone numbers in my phone right now. But at 16, I would have killed my whole family just to be in the same room with them. Now do you really mean that, Libby? This is gonna go out. Don't put it in my file. I would tell her just to chill out cause I wanna tell you she's gonna meet them.

And also to tell myself that to enjoy that big dick cause you're not going to see one like it ever. Ever again. You still think about it so much. I would tell her she's not fat. And I would tell her that fat asses one day are going to be in style and she's going to have an OnlyFans where she can make money off that ass.

Good for you. Hell yeah. And then I tell her that she is cute and pretty. She is. And I tell her again, enjoy that dick, maybe do the splits on it, doggy style. Is that a rap on your advice to 60? You can't stop me. I got lost.

I got lost in it. I saw you get lost in that dick. I saw it. Please promote everything again that you would like. Paige, am I supposed to look in the camera? You can look wherever you want, but I will. Hello, follow me on my Patreon. It's really cheap.

Two tiers, libbyhiggins.com, and that's L-I-B-B-I-E, Higgins. Come see us on tour with Chelsea Lynn, and then also come on my Instagram and my YouTube. That's it. That's it, all right. Thank you for real. Thank you so much. Thank you for doing this. You're awesome. Thank you.

As always, Ryan Sickler on all social media, RyanSickler.com. Come see me on tour. We'll talk to you all next week. Thanks for watching!