The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Mark Normand - NormandDew

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Mark Normand! (Tuesdays with Stories!, Soup to Nuts) Mark Highlights the Lowlights of his wild childhood in New Orleans. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] CATCH ME ON TOUR https://www.ryansickler.com/tour September 29th & 30th: Pheonix, AZ October 20th - 22nd: La Jolla, CA October 27th & 28th: Salt Lake City, UT November 10th & 11th: Batavia, IL December 8th & 9th: San Francisco, CA SUBSCRIBE to The HoneyDew Clips Channel http://bit.ly/ryansicklerclips SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 SPONSORS: Liquid I.V. -Get 20% off when you go to https://www.LiquidIV.com and use code HONEYDEW

Guys, we got the dates for 2023 locked. Maybe a couple more added. Phoenix, I'll see you guys September 29th and the 30th. La Jolla, I'll be back October 20th through the 22nd. Salt Lake City, finally coming back October 27th and the 28th. Hoping to see you all out there. Batavia, Illinois, my first time going there very excited coming on november 10th and november 11th and san francisco to close out the year at cobs

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No extra cost. And the stories, the honeydew with y'all, y'all got the wildest stories I've ever heard in my life. There's no comparison. I say every week, what are we going to hear now? Then we hear a guy who we talked to, a guy whose parachute didn't open, and he crashed into the ground in front of his mom. Okay? Yeah. We talked to a double lung.

It was history. Double lung transplant. A double lung transplant, and then the dude stole the guy's girl and his breath. Okay? I'm telling you, we've had people who've died nonstop. We've had a girl with two pussies, as I've said all the time. We've had a girl with three anuses. Okay?

We've had a cold case solved. Five bucks, cup of coffee, you get hundreds of episodes. All right? That's all I'm going to say about it. Come see me on tour if I am in your town when you're around. What do we got coming up here? Let's see. September 29th and 30th, Phoenix, Arizona.

October 20th and through the 22nd. Excuse me. That's La Jolla. That's three nights, October 27th and 28th, Salt Lake City, November 10th and 11th, Batavia, Illinois, and December 8th and 9th, San Francisco, California. All right, that's it, y'all. You know what we're doing over here. We're highlighting the lowlights. These are the stories behind the storytellers. And I am very excited to have this guest back on the honeydew ladies and gentlemen please welcome mark norman welcome back to the honeydew hey hey good to be here boy you gotta go easy with the volume in my head i'm throbbing here thank you for powering i'm hungover and gay i'll keep it down that was a wild night um comedy's booming in this town you feel every every club's giving you drinks And hanging out

Are you having a good time out here? I love it, I love LA I mean, for a minute You go downtown, you get a fentanyl shot up your ass But for now I'm staying on Sunset, it's all you need That's all you need, dude I'm walking from the improv to the store

Did you really? That's a good walk It's not a bad walk at all 18 minute walk That's nothing, that's less than a mile Exactly, put a podcast in the improv to the store. Did you really? That's a good walk. It's not a bad walk at all. 18-minute walk. That's nothing. That's less than a mile. Exactly. Put a podcast in, listen to the set, go there, go there. No one walks.

Yeah. Nobody walks out here. Or the subway. No one's doing that either. There's reasons. Oh, really? Yeah, dude. Scary?

Yeah, these are just, I mean, listen, no more scarier than New York subways, but you know. Well, I went down there yesterday here. Yeah. And it's. It's quite a gathering. Yeah. It's empty. Yeah.

Empty, clean subway is scarier than hobo knife busy subway. Agreed. Well, look, first, before we get into anything, plug in. Uh-oh. Is that my ex? She's a real dog. Plug and promote everything, please. Oh, sorry.

I'm ranting and raving. I got a hot special out, soup to nuts. Check it out. Holocaust, R-word, slavery. We cover it all. Trans, gay, cleaves. And I'm on the road. You don't say tour.

Doing all the dates coming to europe mark norman comedy.com check out we might be drunk on tuesdays with stories that's it um all right man well i'm very excited to have you back as we were talking about before this is this you haven't been back since the ymh days yeah and this is the second studio since then so it's nice to have you back it's a beauty man you you've come up in the world thank you buddy and great art on the walls you got a nice uh lady producing over there that's kirsten out there working killing it you got a you got a gay dog now you've gone la all in bro you're from here no i'm I'm from Baltimore. Baltimore? Yeah. Holy shit.

You got out. I got out. That's a rough town. I got out. Good for you. I did. You burned that CVS and you got the hell out of there. Dude, you see the one with the front door on it?

Oh, yeah. It's got a front fucking door on that CVS. Like somebody's house. Right, right. Gillis will send me crazy videos and he sent me one of uh you see the social worker going on the projects in baltimore they beat the shit out of him no oh dude it's it's dark he's just going in and they're fucking him up yeah he's like a you know he's like a hero activist like i'm gonna help the black community and he pulls up he's like a nerdy white

guy and he just gets out of the car and they just start wailing on him and then he's like trying to get back in the car and one of them's on the roof hitting him like on the top of the head it's crazy yeah that's where i'm from there you go you know that's why you're humble we call it new orleans of the of the mid-atlantic yes sir so tell me um i want to get into it because i know you had a very different upbringing. Yeah. And it says here you were in a car chase as a private school teen. So this surprised me. So you actually went to private school? Yeah, I went to Catholic school because I went to public school, kindergarten to eighth grade, and it was pretty dicey.

A lot of fights, a lot of tension, mixing, a lot of mixing. And I think my dad was like, your grades are hell. You're an idiot. It's scary over there in the public school. We're putting you in private for four years. Let's just try it. And I wasn't, I'm an atheist. You know, my parents, we never had religion.

Even then, you were? Yeah. Yeah, it was just never a part of my life. It wasn't like, God, is it real? I didn't know about it. Right. The only time I knew about church is I'd sleep at a friend's house on Saturday, and you'd have to wake up at the sleepover when you're 10 and go to the church with them.

You ever do that? Yeah, yeah, yes. Weird. Yeah, it is weird. I grew up Catholic, so when I would go see, I'd go to what, temple with Jewish friends. I'd go see Methodist and i was like these are way better way better everything's so somber and everything's so bull you know just oh yes that catholic shit forever and ever and then turn around you know what's funny i can get up in front

of it doesn't matter how many people i can get up in front of them and be comfortable enough to go out there and tell jokes to thousands of strangers. Sure. But that shit, when they would tell you in church, turn around and peace be with you. Yes. Biggest anxiety. I hated it. Really? You didn't mind that?

I thought that was the best part. I don't want to hear about Lazarus or Exodus or whatever the fuck. I don't know who you are either, though. I was just like, oh, there's something to do now, you know? And it's not a psalm or a thing, a dumb rhythm to it. You know, I never knew this shit. Man, I was all clueless on. So I like that.

I could do that. One time I went up and got the communion. I said, thank you. I didn't know. Because I didn't know you had to do this shit. Yeah. And I was, you know, nine. It's weird.

Yeah, and you're a kid. And they want you to stick your tongue out so they can put that on your tongue. It's like, mm. Yeah. Put it in my hands, bro. Exactly. Put it in my hands. He was an inch away from calling me a Jew.

He was like, come on, you fucking heeb. Take the thing and do that. I didn't know anything. I'm not even Jewish, but I could tell he thought I was. You could tell he thought you were. Yeah. Okay, so this is an all-boys school? No, it's co-ed, and it's uniform, and it's masks, and all that shit.

So walk me through a day. I mean, a day is a- You get there. What's your uniform? What colors are you wearing? Charcoal pants, black shoes, white T-shirt tucked in, not T-shirt, white button-shirt tucked in, you know, button, not T-shirt, white button down, De La Salle crest. And you could throw a hoodie on, a school hoodie or something like that.

So that was pretty much it. I never washed it. I had the yellow armpits because, you know, you just have like three shirts. You just wear them for the rest of your life. And it was uptown New Orleans, which was a trek for us. And it was a nice area., and it was a nice area. The whole thing was a culture shock. It was a culture shock in the sense that this is the first time, what, you're seeing people with money or in a different class than you?

Money, Catholic, private, all the rules. I never wore a uniform in my life. I was just like a, I don't want to say latchkey kid, but I was just like a dumbass, feral dude. I don't want to say latchkey kid, but I was just like a dumbass, feral dude. You know, I was running around and jizz on the pants, you know, bad hair, braces. I was a mess. And this was like high school, armpit hair, girls, you know. Super awkwardness.

Yeah. I would go to school in sweatpants, you know, and I was always the kid with the shoes untied. I don't know why. I think I had a helmet. I was an idiot. But yeah, this was a big change for me. I never knew how to pray. I didn't know what assembly was.

I didn't know what mass was. So big shift. And were you the only kid like that? Were these kids already assimilated, or did you find some kids where they were like, I don't know what the fuck's going on either? Well, it was one of those high schools that started in eighth grade. Okay. You know those?

Yeah. That was news to me. So they all knew each each other i've heard of that i know ours wasn't either ours was ninth grade oh yeah oh yeah so they already knew each other from that year too exactly so i felt like the odd man i you know i'm not religious i i don't do private this is all new and they knew each other so it was a i almost I almost shot the school up, you know. I was right there. I felt so out of place. But we made it work. We made friends, and you adapt, and you figure it out, and it was fine. But made a lot of friends. We did a lot of pranks, a lot of fun times.

Met some great gals, you know, girlfriends and whatnot. But point being, getting to the story senior year you know that last week of senior year where you're like all right it it's coming to an end it is an energy in the air you know you got your prom you got your graduation you got it's ending you're gonna go to college holy shit this is wild so that last week was just like party central you know every you're a senior you own the fucking school you know everybody so it was that last week two days before graduation there's a place in new orleans called the fly that's what we called it was like a giant park on the water on the mississippi river everybody would just go there and drink that was like fistfights with the fly make out at the

fly you know uh crawfish boil at the fly we got a can at the fly make out at the fly you know uh crawfish boil at the fly we got a keg at the fly it was always the fly i don't know why it's called that but we're out at the fly we got kegs all day it was like a half day so we went straight to the fly kegs drinking drinking drinking i had a 1971 cutlass supreme convertible yeah the convertible oh it was a beauty it was a it was it was uh black guys would always pull up and go how much you want to sell it it was like a hoopty but it was a great looking car uh always at the top down the top was ripped so i just left it down i would let it rain in there you would yeah oh yeah and everybody loved the car it was a great car so we're drinking

at the fly and then my buddy goes jay's having a big house party house parties were everything back then that's me too how old are you now i'm 39 oh man i've got you by 11 years but still that was that was the thing too house parties and field parties field party yeah if you didn't have a house we would just meet in a field there you go yeah that's what the fly was yeah just grass with trees all right and uh you know a lot of pickup trucks somebody throws the music on and you're good to go on fire yeah yeah yeah so party at jay's house we've been drinking for hours you know senior in the uniform going at it and uh we go all right i'll drive to j's. Me and my buddy, wait, have I told this on air?

Oh, fuck. It doesn't matter. I don't remember. Well, me and my buddy, Packy, he was a little kid. His last name was like Pakinsky. So everybody just called him Packy. But he was one of these kids. He was like a sophomore, but he was this tall,

and he was the wildest kid on the planet. He was like a Stevo. So everybody liked him because he would just go up to a guy and just call him a racial slur. You're like, hey, here's five bucks. Go call that Asian guy, whatever. Not to be mean, but just to see if he would do it. He was a guy who would jump off that into the pool. Go punch that kid in the face.

He would just do anything. Eat this pill. He would just eat it. Now he's roofied or whatever. So he was just that kid. And everybody loved him because he was just pure it. You know, now he's, you know, roofied or whatever. So he was just that kid. And everybody loved him because he was just pure entertainment. This is pre-internet. You needed that kid.

Yeah. So it's me and Packy. You know, I got a fucking 15-year-old in my car. And we're driving. And it's rush hour. It's like 5 o'clock. So we're trying to get across town. We've been drinking all day.

Uniform on. And I'm trying to get off. I got to get off of this exit and i go can i get in it's bumper to bumper and this guy's like nah no dice and i was like geez man like he was super mean i'm drunk he was like no you're not getting in fuck you kind of thing so i was like all right screw this guy so i got in behind him and i just give him a tap a bumper tap on purpose you did on purpose just to be like hey hey you're a douche which i was the totally the douche you know i'm a young fucking young dumb and full of cum you know

just it's coming out of my eyes so i gave him the bumper tap so that he's like what the hell he's going nuts in the mirror he's like are you crazy we're all like ah you know fucking with him me and packy and then uh i bump him again you know it it got good to me yeah i liked it it felt good so i bump him again and now he just puts the car in park it's bumper to bumper it gets out how big is this dude he's kind of like a he's a tall wiry guy the older older i'd say like maybe 40 okay and as a kid when you see a 40 year that's an adult. But he had a tank top on and long hair. He kind of was a little crunchy.

Maybe a little surfery, hacky-sacky. Hacky-sacky. Yeah, but he was grizzled. He had a white, kind of a white facial hair, and he'd been around. He'd probably been to a dead show, and he's done peyote, and he's got a scruffy dog. So he was a weird character, but he looked like he had some characters in his life.

Dead wife, who the hell knows? Dead wife. Yeah, he was a little. He's bringing the heat. Yeah, this guy was no joke. And wait, real quick. Please. When he gets out of the car, are you like, yeah, let's go?

Or do you have that moment of, oh, shit. What hits you first? I definitely have the, oh, shit. Because you're drunk and you think you're invisible. You're also driving drunk and tapping him, too. Yes. Drawing way too much attention to yourself. 100%.

I thought he's a grown-up. He's not going to fight us. And Pac, he's 15 at the time, you said? Yeah, he was like a sophomore or freshman. And you're 18, 17? 17, 18, yeah. About to graduate. Feeling good.

Got the world as my anal. Sorry, a little semen. So he gets out of the car, and he starts walking towards us, and he just slams his fist on the hood like a gorilla. Like, ah! And you're tops down? Tops down. fist on the hood like a gorilla. Like, ah. And your top's down? Top's down. Oh, you're an easy target.

Oh, yeah. And I think we're smoking in there. He just slams the thing. We're like, Jesus Christ. And then he walks past me, and I was kind of like, uh-oh, here we go. And he goes to the back of my car, looks at the license plate, kind of memorize it, and then he gets back, and he goes into his car. I was like, like huh that was weird

all right i thought that was gonna be a lot worse so now i bump him again no i couldn't help it almost at a blackout by the way it's been like six hours of miller lights and a keg so i'm like all right traffic kind of opens up once we get off the highway or the freeway. And now I'm on the street level. I'm on Magazine Street and race. I remember this. And I hit we're going up. I'm following him. He hits a red lights coming up.

So he stops at the end of the intersection. So now I'm stuck in the intersection. You know, he knew what he was doing. So now I'm just like about to get T-boned here. I'm like, oh, shit, I can't get around him. He's on his phone. Before I know it, there's a bar on the left side of me.

A guy runs out of the bar, leather vest, you know, chain wallet, jeans, boots, biker guy. He runs out of the bar and jumps in my car. Get the fuck out, dude! I swear to God. He jumps in and I was like,

I mean, this guy's terrifying. He's definitely killed a gay guy. You know, this guy was, he had like a tooth earring, you know, chains all over him, tattoos. Terrifying. A tooth! Yeah, oh yeah. He was not fucking around. He was a hell's angel

or whatever you want to call it. One of those groups. He just jumped right in your fucking car. He jumped right in. And there was no like, hey, buddy. It was just in. So this is where nobody believes me. So I am freaking out.

You realize, like, I'm a child. What am I doing here? You got two kids in this car. Yes. We're in high school uniforms, for Christ's sake. So he's in the back seat, and I started kind of trying to drive. I didn't know what he was doing, but I couldn't get away, but I got a little bit of inch up or moved a little, and he jumped in.

He kind of was half in, half out. So his legs are dangling outside of the car, but his body, the front part of the top part of the body, is in the back seat. So I was like, ah! And this again, Packy, wild man, fearless,

he jumps in the back seat, and they're going at it. No. I swear to God, because he had an advantage, because the guy was kind of like... He's got his torso in the car. Exactly. He just packed that, giving it to him. Yeah, so Packy's just... That's a good friend. We don't know how to fight, so it's a lot of this shit. And you're in the middle of an intersection. Yes. Stop, too. Exactly. He just packed that and gave it to her. Yeah, so Packy's just, you know, we don't know how to fight, so it's a lot of this shit. And you're in the middle of an intersection. Yes.

Stop. Exactly. So I fucking pull off, and I just go, you know, cut through traffic. I just ate people, you know, and I'm like. The guy's still hanging in the car. He's kind of crawled in, but he's a little wonky because he's trying to get his footing, and I'm driving and swerving, and they're going at it in the backseat. And obviously, this guy is getting the best of Packy.

He's a 15-year-old soaking wet. He's 100 pounds, you know? And they're just going at it. I'm like, push him out! Push him out! I'm freaking out! I don't know. I'm trying to do one of these, you know, like grab the guy a little bit.

And Packy just got that tarred strength. I don't know, the adrenaline. And he pushed him out. Did he? He pushed him out. And I remember looking back and he's, you know, like out of a movie. Just the rolling on the cement. And I was like, ah, what the fuck?

Oh, my God. I can't believe what's happening. So Paki comes up front. He's a little banged up. And he's like, oh, my God, that was crazy. This guy must have been 55. I mean, he's definitely been in a lot of scuffles. He's been to war.

He's been to war. This guy might have been a knob. He was huffing glue back in the 40s. Who knows? Oh, that's killing me. So we drive a little bit, and we pull over, and we just have to regroup. We're just like, oh, my fucking God, what is happening?

Is that guy alive? Is he dead? Did he get hit by another car? Yeah. Where's the other guy? Is he still around? I mean, it was insanity. So we kind of come to, and I had a beeper.

Aging myself. I had a beeper, and it was saying saying like jay's house or part here's the address here's the address and it's going off and i'm like all right let's go to this party we'll just have a drink take it easy tell everybody the story so cut to us at the party we're the kings of the party i'm holding court i'm in the living room telling everybody the story some girl might be into me i'm killing and uh packy pushed him out everybody's high-fiving packy great time house part like classic out of a movie you know uh there's fucking toilet paper hanging from everything everybody's got solo cups the music's playing and my beeper's

going off like crazy you know it's probably like nine at night at this point just like 9-1-1 9-1-1 mom mom mom mom and i'm like oh so i get my best phone voice you know and i call my mom and i go hello how are you what's up and she's like get the fuck home right now the police are here oh shit i was like ah shit i was like well i'm out i'm out what are you talking about i'm trying to play dumb she's like get home shut up fuck you get home and i was like ah so this is where it gets interesting this is where yeah so i'm hammered you know i'm like lights out gone blotto smashed and i'm going home i gotta go home i tell everybody they're like oh you're fucked dude what's going on oh my god you shouldn't be driving i'm like i gotta go home my friend, before you leave. And he hands me a big jar of Jif.

Peanut butter. Peanut butter. Yeah. A friend of mine used to do this, too. Eat a gob of it. I just put my hand in. And he's like, you can't smell booze over the peanut butter, which I didn't know. Did you know that?

I only know it because a friend of mine would do this. He swore by it, too. I never tried it, though. Yeah. I mean, I had friends who- He swore by it. They'd keep it in the glove box just in case they got pulled over. Instead of not drinking and driving, they would actually buy peanut butter.

Yes. Exactly. He would also, I'm not even kidding you, he would also wear a priest costume sometimes. Shut up. I swear to God. Come on. I swear to God. Wow.

He purposely bought a wagon. Get out of here. Also, instead of not drinking and driving, he bought a wagon, I swear to God. Wow. He purposely bought a wagon. Get out of here. Also, instead of not drinking and driving, he bought a wagon. I swear to God, a priest got him. Oh, my Lord. And he would eat peanut butter. Does he have kids now? Yeah.

He's had them. He's had them. Oh, gee, that's a bad look. You're just driving a wagon with a priest out with a couple of kids in there. You're like, no, no, they're my kids. That's not a good look. So go ahead. You eat a gob of peanut butter gob of peanut butter i haul ass home uh i get to the house there's three cop cars outside the whole thing and i'm like oh god but again when you're so drunk you kind of just

like accept everything like ah what whatever happens happens i wasn't that scared because i wasn't i was basically in a blackout but you also didn't think at all like, well, here's my chance to stay where I'm at, deal with this later so I don't get a DUI or they don't see me drunk. That didn't even register. It didn't register because the way my mom was on the phone was like. I don't give a fuck. You better get here. Exactly. Like, we're going to come find you if you don't come here.

So I was like, all right, let me just get this over with. And again, you're drunk. So you're like, all right, I'll deal with this. Fuck it. So I get home. This cop car's outside. I walk in, all right, let me just get this over with. And again, you're drunk, so you're like, all right, I'll deal with this. Fuck it. So I get home. This cop car's outside. I walk in, swing that door open. There's three cops drinking tea in the living room with my two parents.

And I'm like, oh, my God. So I show up, and they're like, what the hell? They pop up, and what the hell? We heard this. We heard that. A guy is in the hospital because he jumped out of your car. What the? And I'm like, whoa, I don't know anything.

I played. I denied the whole thing, which is so crazy. So then the cops go, you've been drinking? I go, no, no. They smelled my breath, got by, which is insane. They go outside. They go, that's the plate. We got the plate.

And I was like, I don't know anything you're talking about. You guys are crazy. This is what I was at a party. What are you talking about? I've been out all night, you know? And they're like, I don't know anything you're talking about. You guys are crazy. This is a widow. I was at a party. What are you talking about? I've been out all night, you know? And they're like, no, no, no. And, you know, after about an hour, I just caved.

I was like, all right. He was in my car. My friend pushed him out. I bumped a guy on the highway, blah, blah, blah. And that was it. They didn't arrest you or anything? No. Nothing. Even after you admitted it? Yeah. I don't know know uh i was like i bumped the guy on accident okay and three times three times and uh i was

like yeah i've been drinking and nothing came of it i don't know i know that's a horrible ending but that's the greatest fucking ending you can wish for if you're you yeah it was pretty good i think my parents took my car away for like a month. I mean, whatever. Yeah, but it was a different time. It was. This was like late 90s, where there's like, well, you're okay, they're okay. I think I paid the guy's hospital bills.

He broke his hand, turns out. That's it. Falling out of the car, yeah. Broke his hand. I think the other guy had some priors. I think the long-haired guy had some stuff. So they're like like he's not gonna press charges but you know you got to be careful i got the speech lost the car and i think it

helped i was 17 yeah you know you're a minor still yeah and that was it i mean i swear to god is it a white privilege i don't know what you want to call it but got lectured by the parents they put me in alcohol counseling what's how's that different than uh aa i think it's for kids it's different i had to go to the this lady and she she was like are your parents abusing you and i remember being like oh i could really get them on this one and i was like no no no i'm not and uh yeah i had to take a bunch of tests and go to therapy for a few sessions. But that was it. It was like therapy was the punishment. And I was like, I'll take it.

I'll take that any day. Yeah. So I feel bad just dropping it off a cliff. But that's what happened. I got by. That's the story. That's it. Staying hydrated isn't only for the athletes and champions in this world.

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We have it here at the studio. We give it out to people all the time. They take it. We use it, take it on tour. It's a great way to stay hydrated, especially look, I have a lot of people who drink. I can't drink anymore. And they tell me that legit helps them in the mornings after hangovers, things like that. So Liquid IV believes that equitable access to clean and abundant water is the foundation of a healthier world. They partner with leading organizations to fund and foster innovative solutions that help communities protect both their water and their futures. Real people, real flavor, real hydrating. Grab your Liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco, or you can get 20% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use code HONEYDOO at checkout. That's 20% off of anything when you shop better hydration today using promo code HONEYDOO at liquidiv.com. Now, let's get back to the do. us this one about this uh wild midwest road

gig oh this happened two weeks ago this is not really all right hell yeah all right that that buckle up because this has some twists some turns it's a roller coaster of jizz here all right so got a gig in Davenport, Iowa. I had a special coming out, and I need new material. So I told my agent, book me in some weird off-market places. Don't go to Denver. Don't go to Austin. Don't go to Phoenix.

Book Chickapee, Mass., Lancaster, PA, Davenport, Iowa. Get me in the sticks. So he puts me in Davenport, Iowa. The flight is a cunt American Airlines stinks sucks the worst so I have a flight to Chicago at 8am Chicago connect

land in Moline Iowa which is about 15 minutes from Davenport so I go alright I can do this flight gets cancelled I'm like ah fuck so now I'm up all night like what do I this. Flight gets canceled. I'm like, ah, fuck. So now I'm up all night. Like, what do I do?

I'm texting the agent. Hey, flight's canceled. I don't know what to do. There's no flights out of Moline. It's not looking good. Maybe we'll fly you to Chicago and then you get a car. So we did that. So we flew to Chicago, got a car.

That flight was delayed. So now I landed in Chicago at like nine at night and it's a three hour drive or four hour drive so i missed the gig but it was a two two friday two saturday or two saturday two sunday whatever it was so i missed the first two yeah so the half your money's gone it's gone but the agent goes let's put one of those shows, because it was sold out. It's a tiny room. The room was about the size of this one. Sold out. So we'll move one of the shows to the next night. So now you have three on Sunday. So we lost one show.

I can deal with that. Spent the whole day at the airport. Brutal. Land in Chicago. I go meet up with my opener, Andrew. He's in Chicago, too, waiting for me. Because he had to connect, too. But he was like, well, if you're in Chicago, I'll just drive with you. I was like, all opener, Andrew. He's in Chicago too, waiting for me. And cause he had to connect too, but he was like, well, if you're in Chicago, I'll just drive with you. I was like, all right, great.

Meet up with him. We go to a hotel. I'm like, it's been the longest day of my life. I've been up all night, been at the airport all day. I want to kill myself. Let's just get a drink and go to bed. And then tomorrow he had the rental car already. So like tomorrow we'll jump in the car. We'll go to Davenport. Easy peasy shows at five o'clock, then seven, then nine. So tomorrow we'll jump in the car, we'll go to Davenport. Easy peasy. Show's at 5 o'clock, then 7, then 9. So we'll drive there. It's a 3-4 hour drive. We'll leave at 11 a.m. We'll get there at 3, 4. We're good

to go. We get hammered. Ha ha ha ha ha! We just another shot after shot after shot. We're in Chicago. It's a great city. We're having a great time. It is a great city. Great town. And it's Saturday night or whatever.

So it's like bumping. So we just got sucked right in. So, of course, we get shithoused. And then we did that thing that the stupidest thing you do with buddies where you get hammered, the bars close. You go to your hotel. His room is a door, two doors down from mine. We sit in the room and talk till like six in the morning so now we wake up and we're supposed to get up at nine to leave at 10

or whatever we wake up at like noon so we're banged up we're on no sleep we wake up at noon we go get lunch and then we just start driving now he got a rental car, and the only two options, the rental car business is fucked. Something's going on. He either could get an F-150 or a Chevy Bolt electric. Yeah. So what would you have gotten? The 150. Really? Yeah.

He was like, that's too much car. We're doing it in the long distance. It's going to be a gas guzzler. I'll get the electric. Yeah, I want to be comfy. Huge mistake. Yeah. Huge. Fuck electric. Yeah, I want to be comfy. Huge mistake. Huge.

Fuck electric. Fuck Musk. Fuck all you queefs, because those things stink. The Tesla's not bad, but any other electric car is bad news. So we get in the electric car. It's fully charged. And we're driving, three and a half hour drive. It just starts.

That energy bar is going down like a video game. And we're looking at it. We're like, three and a half hour drive. It just starts. That energy bar is going down like a video game. And we're looking at it. We're like an hour in. It started at 250 and it was down to like 68. And we're like, we got two more hours here. We're not going to make it. Let's go charge it. So we go charge it.

But we're up against it. So we find, we're in Chicago. We get as far as Rochelle. Dan Van Kirk's from Rochelle. My dog out there, Princess Lily Rose is from Rochelle, Illinois. Really? Born in Rochelle, Illinois. Small, small town.

How about that? Out of a movie. Main Street, it's all quiet. The hayseed goes by or whatever that thing is. And we get there. We're like, all right, we found a charger. Bitch to find a charger bitch to find a charger in the fucking wide open plane of midwest you know you find a tesla one you can't

use that you find this one that one's broken we found one in the middle of a church parking lot in rochelle and we're like all right let's go let's get a taco or something while we wait so we plug it in and we go we'll give it like 20 minutes that's how long a tesla takes and we just start walking around the town 20 minutes is up we go, we'll give it like 20 minutes. That's how long a Tesla takes. And we just start walking around the town. 20 minutes is up. We go back. It went from like 54 to 56.

And we're like, oh, my God. This is not going to work. And it looks on the dash. It says it'll be finished charging at 11 p.m. And we're like, oh, no. We got to be at the gig at 5. Yeah. So we're freaking out. We don't know what to do.

We're like, fuck you, electric. God damn it. Edison, whoever. Edison. And so Andrew knew Dan Van Kirk. No, I didn't. He goes. There we go, bro.

Look at it. You're not going to believe it. We're in Rochelle. This town sucks. There's no one here. Our car is not charged. We got to get to Davenport. And he goes, I guess you. There's no one here. Our car is not charged. We got to get to Davenport. And he goes, I guess you can use my mom's car.

And we're like, could we? I don't want to impose. This is a big ask. But they're pretty tight, those two. And he goes, yeah, but she's in assisted living. She's an older lady. So you're going to have to go to the old folks' home, get the keys. Oh, I love it.

And then switch. This is the event Kurt Schwab? Yeah. Hell yeah, DBK. Hell yeah, DBK. so you're gonna have to go to the old folks home get the keys i love it and then this is damn it yeah hell yeah dvk hell yeah dvk i mean without him we would be fine he saved the whole thing this guy is a is a mensch so we're already just motherfucker we're just trying to get to this dumb game we've already missed one night and i shouldn't just my agent's like you can cancel man if the room's the size of your dick it's tiny you know fuck it and i was like i'm doing it i'm doing the gig so go to the old folks home in the electric car and you know you got to check in it's walkers it's respiratory shit you know it's it's bleak if we go up take the elevator knock knock knock i don't want to insult the lady but you know hunched over cane old school quilt

over her you know never even could look at me because she was so hunched it was like she never gave one of these and saw me she didn't do a thriller you know she was just hunched over and she goes while you're here i have no no one ever visits me could you move my my electric uh old lady kind of craftmatic chair? It's broken. And she's like, I have another one in the bedroom. Could you swap it out? And we're like, of course.

You got it. Happy to help. We appreciate you giving us the car. You got it. So we're two strapping, hungover dudes. These things weigh 9 million pounds. They got a motor in it. They're electric.

It's brutal. I hate electric. Everything electric sucks. So now we're sweating out fucking vodka tonics, and we move this thing over. We unplug it, and it's got crumbs and shit all over it. We go into the bedroom, get the other one. We move that in, and the whole thing takes forever

because you got to take breaks. They're so heavy. You're like, all right, set it down. Put it down. Okay. So we finally move the chairs. They're so heavy. You're like, all right, sit it down. Put it down. Okay. So we finally moved the chairs. We get the keys.

She's got a Ford Escape. Hallelujah. Gas-powered car. So we go, okay. His uncle lives there. Let's put the electric car at his uncle's house. We'll put it in the driveway, and we'll plug it in. You're using the whole extended family over here.

Exactly. I love it. Thank God, the Van Kirk's. And we go, we'll put the electric car. You're using his uncle's electricity. Yeah. We had to open his garage,

find an outlet. The neighbors were like, what the fuck's happening here? So we got the Ford Escape and I go, look, we've had a harrowing day. Let's get some Wendy's. Let's do a little treat.

I'm going to get some Frosties. Yeah. And Andrew starts pulling his wallet. I go, come on, I got it. I'm the headliner. These are, you know, 109. I can swing two Frosties. So we get a couple of JBCs and a couple of nuggets.

Get the Frosty. I throw my wallet on the dash, you know, make sure I got all the right money. We go to the house. We plug it in. We got the Ford Escape. It's fully gassed upassed up we go we're gonna make it god damn it what a night or what a day brutal we just start driving ah we're gonna make it holy shit the gigs at five so we got to davenport iowa in this ford escape at about 4 38

we just made it and we go let's just check into the hotel but then you got to think he's still got to get this rental car back he's still stuck with his car i'm flying out of davenport so what are we going to do there but he's like i'll go get it or we'll figure it out so i was like all right all right but i might have to fly out of davenport tomorrow or moline uh and he's like oh we'll figure it out so we get to the hotel and the gigs you know the clock's ticking the gigs in like 22 minutes and they go all right you want to check in credit card and i go where the hell's my wallet i left it on the dash of the electric car because of frosty The Frosty. The Frosty. Oh, you're Frosty.

Dave Thomas, you cunt. God. So now we have three shows ahead of us. We're hungover. We're on no sleep. We've had the worst day ever. They're about to start. About to start. We go to the gig.

You know, we do the three shows it's fine we sell merch i mean we really did it up and i did three hours of comedy you know and uh flipping the room the whole thing so now we go all right here's what we'll do we'll get back in the gas car, drive to the uncle's house, Rochelle, get my wallet. Then I had a, you know, Moline to Chicago, Chicago to New York. So I said, let's just drive to Chicago. We'll get another hotel room and I'll just take the second flight home and he'll do the same. Great. Or he's furious at me. He's like, you forget your wallet.

What the hell? It was going so well, blah, blah, blah. So we get the wallet. We go back and we go, oh, the car is probably charged so we can drop the Ford Escape off, get back in the electric car. It's been hours. It's been like 12 hours. We'll just drive that to Chicago, get a hotel, drop it off at the airport in the morning. We fly home. drop it off at the airport in the morning we fly home we get to the car finally get my wallet thank god after all this shit we check the car it's been plugged in it's at like 88 it didn't go up it went up like 40 notches yeah 88 it's like a two uh two uh it goes by miles so the i think it was like 241 miles to get to chicago and it's at 88 miles so we're like what the fuck is going on here should we get an uber my god i can't believe it and i go i'm so

pissed i'm just gonna drive it i am just gonna drive it till the wheels fall off i'm gonna hit the gas heading towards chicago and just creep until i get to Chicago. Fuck electricity. Fuck this volt, bolt, whatever. And he goes, well, what if we put it on cruise control? Maybe it'll use less. Because I was going like 95. That's what was burning it out. Yeah. We get on cruise control, and we're making it.

It's working. But cruise control's slow. So what turned into a three-and-a-half-hour ride was now like a five hour ride because I'm going like 52 down the highway. Because if you go faster, it kept dropping. So I'm watching it go 78, 77, 76. And I'm just like, it was like Thelma and Louise.

We're holding hands, you know? I've got the wheel like, ah, fuck it. We're going all the way. And we made it with like two notches left. Because you know, it's like a car on E. It's still got a little life in it. Yeah. So we got there and he goes, now it's that weird thing of like, we're home.

Let's get a hotel room. Let's go to bed. We got an airport hotel. And he's like, well, I have to drive this in the morning. So I can't have it dead. So I said, all right. It's fucking six in the morning. flight's at nine that means you got to get there at eight whatever so we sit in a best buy parking lot charging it no we had to i couldn't

leave a soldier you know you just want to go to bed so now we're charging it it's quiet we hate each other it's the worst night of our lives we're charging we're charging it gets up to like six and we go all right six is enough to get to the rental car place. We park the car. We go to the hotel. We forgot to book two rooms. So we have to sleep in the same bed. I mean, it's like a John Hughes movie.

It's Planes, Trains. Those aren't pillows. It really is. So now we're sleeping in the same bed. I get like, you know, 20 minutes of shut eye. And I go to the airport. He gets the car, drops it off, and we got home. But.

God damn, dude. Worst gig ever. All for Davenport. I hope you appreciate it. You come guzzling Nazis. Because it was brutal. Brutal gig. But we made it.

And the lady got her chair fixed. Damn, man. Kirk saving the day out there. He totally saved it. We appreciate it. Watch Mom, Pen, Pals with Roy Scoville. Great podcast. Great pod.

Great podcast. Great guy. Great mom. Yeah, great mom. I want to hear the story about being fired from a huge TV job. Oh, this is bad. This this is bad i love when people get so i love it because people out there see the finished product yeah i think that guy's got it all he's probably never been embarrassed or never he just got all the answers oh no not me i'm still

i have a poor kid mentality you know you're like why don't you just change your flight or get a go to first class i'm like i i don't know who am i getting first class whatever young comic broke new york city been mugged had bed bugs living way out in brooklyn day job construction janitor you name it. I was just a shitty, I was a shit-kicking comic just trying to get by. Open mics, the whole thing. I do a set at a club. A guy sees me, and I had a good

set, and he goes, you're edgy, you're dark, we like that. We're looking for a host to host a show on AOL. That was when AOL still had some shine on it, you know? We'll pay you $5,000, which at the time was like, oh, by Epstein, holy shit, this is a lot of money.

So they go, we'll pay you five grand, all you gotta do is write some jokes and you're gonna host a Halloween show and we're gonna do it a week before Halloween, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday was Halloween. So you do an hour a day for five days until Halloween, the big finale. So I said, you got it, sir. I am in.

And we wrote a ton of jokes. We had a writer's room. And this was a big production. They had a costume contest on the first day. Second day was like bobbing for apples or whatever. Third day was candy, raiding. It was a whole to-do. So he kept saying, we like that you're edgy.

Be edgy. We want some stank on this show. It's the internet. It's the Wild West. It's AOL. It's not TV. I said, great. And we wrote for two weeks.

We built sets. I got to know everybody. It was great. First show, Monday. Here we go, baby. You're going to do a costume contest. Then you're going to put on a dress and do a man on the street in drag. You are.

I am. Okay. So that was Monday. And then Tuesday was another thing. And then Wednesday was another thing. Whatever. So we have it all mapped out. We got storyboards.

We got big whiteboards up there with all this shit, all these jokes on it. And has this been run through people? Is it approved by anyone, or is it just you and your crew working on this? It's their crew. I'm just the host. But I want it to be hands-on. I've never made this kind of money in my life. I want to kill it.

So everyone's privy to these sketches and everything? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's all on the up and up. Everybody loves it everybody's excited and you know with a lot of promo aol with mark norman coming out halloween spectacular here we go so it's five days i'm pumped i love it it's nice to be you know there's coffee there there's snacks at these uh these studios it's it's uh i was a janitor you know

this is like a a nice little world To live in, air conditioning There was girls there, it was great So it was showbiz So Monday comes around I got a big night's sleep On Sunday night, here we go, Monday morning Time for work We do the big Halloween contest

I got the Bob Barker skinny mic I got the fun jacket on And I'm killing it's a full live audience and a bleacher full of people in costumes you got buzz lightyear you got a scarecrow you got dracula you got everything a couple of hot ladies and you know women they dress like whores on halloween for some reason which we all appreciate but uh it's this weird green light to dress like a skank and god bless you ladies so i'm doing good i'm i'm hosting it's a hot crowd i'm doing all right you know superman comes up i go hey nice horse accident you know when you start walking again you know

yeah i'm putting my own stank on it. This cat woman comes up. I'm talking leather whip, you know, tight dress, big black hair, the cat eyes, super sexy jokes. Oh, pussy this, pussy that, you know, having a good time. Cracks the whip. Everybody's great. Next up, African queen. Beautiful black woman, you know, got the neck, those rings, you know, sexy lady, hot outfit, and I'm doing this, doing that,

and I go, the cat woman's going off, and the African queen's coming on, they pass each other, and I go, hey, hey, watch that whip around the African. I thought it was a decent line. They said be edgy. I watched the cameras go, whoo. You saw a camera. I mean, they wilted like a daisy.

The lights flickered. The audience went, oh, what the fuck was that? I look at the producer. He was not into it. I was so proud of the joke. I couldn't wait to tell it. And yeah, so, you know, you have a bomb. It happens.

They're not all going to be gems. So I go, all right, that one didn't land. But, you know, on to the next one. We do more jokes, more jokes, more costumes, more contest. I go immediately from there. We wrap up. We have a big thing. Applause.

Yay, this guy won. He's, you know, Joe Biden. He fell down or whatever. That was his guy. That was before Joe Biden. I don't know who he was, but some guy won. So then I get rushed to makeup and I'm putting on full drag, like mini skirt, sequin top, big eyelashes, fake eyelashes, big red wig, nails, makeup, lipstick. And this guy comes in with a clipboard, you know, he's the head honcho. And he goes,

hey, ladies, because all these women are putting shit on me. He goes, ladies, can you give me, give us the room? And I was like, oh boy, all right, here we go. I got the head honcho in here. He's going to tell me what's next. Here we go. Maybe good job. And he goes, we got to talk. And I could immediately feel like, oh, this is bad. And I go, what's up? And he goes, I go what's up and he goes yeah the sponsors they didn't like uh the whip joke and I go ah am I fired and he goes yeah yeah and I had the you know I'm in the director chair I remember going I had the big eyelashes I was like what are you talking about yeah yeah it was like the slowest moment of my life and I was about to go out on the street i was all geared up to do a q a and a dress i couldn't wait i had heels on stockings and he's

like yeah you gotta go and i'm like gotta go we got a whole week of shoot left he's like we'll find someone else you're you gotta go and they had two guys escorted me out in like black turtlenecks and and blazers like big giant in drag yes i mean i took the wig off and i put my pants on but i didn't even have time to scrub so i just was out on broadway at fucking 12 30 in the day with fucking makeup on and eyelashes and nails and lipstick and i was like i guess that's it and i went home and i fucking cried my eyes out i didn't know what to do mascara run up yeah exactly all by myself the whole thing and i couldn't believe it because he said be edgy i remember calling a comic and they go they never mean that they don't they don't know what edgy means that's the

problem they don't know what edgy means no and i thought i was doing the right thing and uh boy they were none too pleased i got escorted out i went home i scrubbed the makeup off and uh i i i said well you said be edgy and i'm emailing with the guy and he didn't want to pay me he's like oh no you got to get paid for the work you did. He's like, you did a half hour work. It's a week-long shoot. I said, but I'd love to do the shoot. You fired me.

He's like, well, you went too far. And I said, well, you said be edgy. So we're fighting. We're fighting. And we eventually got paid, but they hired some hot girl to do the rest of it. And so she got the gig, and I told her. I was like, hey, don't fucking go for it. Are you crazy?

Just keep it on the up and up keep it pg and she killed it and uh yeah that was that was the i've been fired a few times but that was the worst in a dress for doing what i thought i was supposed to do it was all very confusing but i got paid and i got a story out of it um give me another time you've been fired jesus christ what's another good one that's not comedy related uh okay you said you did a lot of jobs you worked a lot of jobs a lot of jobs i was a registrar at new york film academy which is like uh i do the admissions and i do the if you're absent four times you're on probation it was the i was the i was like a discipline guy i'm a fucking chooch i shouldn't be doing that i love the word chooch and they're making you also not just keep

record but you have to talk to them yes oh god no that's yeah that's one thing to keep stats for them i'll keep stats all day but i had to go talk to the guy you know i'm a what made you take that job i was broke i lived in new york i went to new york film academy and then i moved there to be a comedian after that i graduated from there and i was like this is the only place i know in new york so i just went right back there and i said can i work here and i i got a job as a file clerk literally big room full of file cabinets wall to wall and i would they would hand me a stack this high of manila folders and i would go in i was like you guys don't have the internet we don't have a fucking excel spreadsheet we're going 1941 manila so i would just file all day i had paper cuts and i worked my way up to

registrar because nobody wanted to do that gig so i'm kicking kids out who are trying to live their fucking dreams you're actually having to kick them out too oh my god i'm from poland and i've always wanted to come here and i bet i got no money and i'm like you gotta go i don't care but they care and they're like he's like i'll be better it's like some 18 year old kid he just wants to be tarantino and i'm like you gotta hit the bricks polak and not good i hate it i hate i got like an ulcer my hair was out. I hated the job because I don't want to. I'm trying to. I'm living my dream in New York.

I want to be a comedian. Yeah. And I'm telling these kids no. So eventually I would just start sliding kids, like changing their numbers. You know, like, hey, you can stay. I can't kick you out. I can't do this to you. You got a house or an apartment for six months.

I can't. What? This is crazy. So I started cooking the books did you yeah because i didn't want to do it anymore i didn't want to you know fire these kids or get rid of them and they caught me and i got fired how'd they catch you well you know the teacher would be like this kid was never here he's been absent like uh you know five days in a month and it says two days and then they started doing the numbers and obviously because

they still take attendance and then i would go oh yeah i would have the main the main uh sheet and i'd go now i would erase it it was all it was so obvious i changed a six to a one you know it was so obvious it was all very uh analog and they got me and i got fired but i was trying to i was trying to help these kids out. You know, these kids, they don't know any. They're a language barrier. They live in New York. The subways are brutal. They can went the wrong way.

They miss class. It's crazy expensive. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's insane. So I couldn't do it, and I got nixed. Give me another comedy fucking firing. Give me one more. Well, how about this one?

Because you told the story about the seinfeld stuff last time where oh i did you ran the light a little bit yeah yeah i still remember that how about this one you ever have this i did a gig in uh youngstown ohio not bragging at the funny farm which is no longer there it's gone it was a real shit box just a piece of garbage club and you ever had this? I'm a young comic. I'm broke. I'm happy to be headlining.

I'm making like 800 bucks for the weekend. You lose 500 on the flight, you know? So I'm just like, do what I gotta do to get by. I'm trying to be, I'm trying to play ball. And I'm eating dinner between shows. You know, you can order this side of the menu, whatever. I'm eating dinner and the manager, the owner is like, you gotta get the swordfish and i'm like okay you know it's a free meal i'll get the fucking swordfish what am i eating and he goes there's a wine that pairs well with that i'm

like jesus wine this is this is high end over here so i drink a bottle of wine i'm eating swordfish and he's like you want dessert i was like i'll take the tiramisu another glass of wine another glass of wine i'm like all right i got another show to do here and the bill comes it's like 312 dollars he's filling it for real dude get the fuck this motherfucker upsold me i would never get swordfish or wine in my life i don't even like wine and he he ripped me and i was like wait what are you talking about he's like yeah you can only order from this side of the menu it's like you know chicken fingers mozzarella sticks nachos and you got the swordfish i was like wait what are you talking about he's like yeah you can only order from this side of the menu it's like you know chicken fingers mozzarella sticks nachos and you got the swordfish i'm like you pushed me to get the swordfish you told me to get the swordfish you son of so he

totally got me and i lost money on the gig because of the fucking that's ridiculous because the swordfish market price swordfish this cunt he's like it's out of season target that shit in ohio and i'm like i don't care yeah he got me so i've had clubs hit me up before and i'll ask you i don't know what's more offensive i know what's cheaper but i know what's more offensive i've had clubs bill me for i don't drink yeah i smoke uh don't bill me for diet cokes no yeah club i've had two clubs do it wow charge me for sodas and i'm like you're gonna charge me for fucking sodas right now are you serious those people should be beheaded seriously like come on you're gonna charge me for fucking sodas but we're not talking like an improv are we talking now we're talking like a

funny phone like a c-ro like a bonkers with a Z or a loony bin or one of those fucking rooms. But yeah, I did them all. But that was the first time I got upsold and charged. And charged. Yeah, that guy was a scumbag. I mean, who knows what he's doing now? But the guy before me, I told a friend, he's like, I've done that club. The guy shorted me on money and just put a gun on the table, like casually.

Like, oh, here's your supposed to be 800. Here gun on the table, like casually like, ah, here's your supposed to be 800. Here's your, your 600. And he's like, ah, it's supposed to be 800. He's like,

hold on. Let me put my gun down. And he was like, all right, I'm out of here. So I guess I got off easy. No gun. Dude,

this has been a great episode. Oh, Hey, thanks. You've been this fucking, I'm still laughing about the guy hanging out of your fucking car. It's insane. Yeah.

That's insane. I feel bad about the ending, but you got away with it. You got a great story out of it. You did get lucky. Very lucky. Dude, one more time, please plug, promote, everything, anything you'd like. Hey, marknormancomedy.com for tickets. I'm all over the country doing a big theater tour, going to Europe.

Tuesdays with Stories. We Might Be Drunk podcast. We got to get you on that, by the way. I'd love to. All right, we'll get you real high. I'd love to. All right, and then, yeah, watch the special. Soup to Nuts.

Netflix. A lot of Holocaust jokes. We go for it. We really push it. I can't believe no one's attacked me yet. It's coming are you disappointed no no i hate the backlash but they are where it'll get you yeah well uh thank you man for real uh and as always uh ryan sickler.com ryan sickler on all social media come see me on

tickets are available on my website for all stops ryan sickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week.