The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Matt Balaker
Episode Date: July 15, 2019My #HoneyDew this week is Matt Balaker! Matt’s mom fled the nazis for a better life. He was born on Halloween with Cerebral Palsy and blood in his lungs that caused brain damage. Teased and ridicule...d by kids and adults, he persevered. He’s now an author with a new book out called, “Greg Giraldo: A Comedian’s Story”. Matt Balaker is lucky to be alive & I’m lucky to have him on The Dew! Subscribe, download & review! Sponsors: Go to http://buyraycon.com/honeydew to get 15% off your order! Get Honey for free at http://joinhoney.com/rooster
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More on that in just a second, but right now, let's get into the do.
You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler.
Welcome back to the honeydew, y'all.
We're over here at Studio Gene's doing it at your mom's house.
I'm Ryan Sickler.
I'm Ryan Sickler on all social media,
ryansickler.com.
This week, I want to hit you.
I got to look over here at these damn dates.
The 27th through the 30th, I'm out there with your boy Tom Segorna
to take it down toward there in Tornado Alley.
I'm kind of nervous.
I'm not going to lie to you.
Tulsa, Wichita, and Kansas City.
I can't wait to get out there and see you all.
August 1st through 3rd, House of Comedy in Minnesota.
September 14th at The Famous in Baltimore.
I just want to again, every week I say thank you so much for all the messages, the emails, everything.
You guys are fantastic.
I have family and friends hitting me up.
They're like, damn, your fans are amazing.
And you guys are amazing.
So thank you.
Please make sure you're subscribed.
Get over to the Your Mom's House YouTube page.
Subscribe there as well.
The website is thehoneyewpodcast.com that's where you'll find everything the merch all the social media links
and everything so make sure you're following along uh and if you're new to the do what we're
doing over here is we're highlighting the low lights and uh my guest this week is an old friend
who has a brand new book out here uh please welcome, the book here actually is Greg Giraldo,
A Comedian's Story by Matt Ballacher and Wayne Jones.
And I just said half the duo over here.
My guest, Matt Ballacher.
Welcome to the honeydew, brother.
Thanks for having me.
Shake it up, my man.
Shake it up.
You're the first person who shook my hand on the honeydew.
Probably because we're sitting this way.
Actually, no, they could have reached across.
Anyway, welcome, brother.
And congrats on this book.
Before we get into anything, as I always like to do,
please, in addition to the book,
anything you'd like to promote, where they can find you,
find out about you, what you have going on, please.
Sure, check out greggiraldobook.com.
All the social media handles, we're at greggiraldobook.
We're doing some events, some shows, some signings.
And on Twitter, the author me,
uh, is that Maddie B game. And, uh, you can find Wayne Jones on there too.
There we go. Um, you know, I was talking to you before and I'm so glad you're here. I was talking
to you before about working with Greg for a weekend and I just, how great he was and how
amazing it was and just how much fun it was.
And I said to you, like, I didn't know.
So I don't even know why you did this.
Did you know Greg well?
Like, what was your reason for putting this book together?
Good question.
And if I pass prematurely, will you please do one about me?
Because I don't know anybody else that would.
All right.
I want to write that.
That would be Ryan Sickler, another comedian's. A second comedian story. Yeah. Well, do you remember Tough Crowd? Of course. That's what we were talking about. Like the moment he put Dennis Leary in his place and then Dennis Leary years later saying, you know, he was 100 percent right. He was prepared. Right. Yeah. right yeah well that was around the time i got into stand-up myself and so i remember doing open
mics uh around 2002 2003 and then coming home and watching tough crowd and it wasn't just greg but
like colin quinn to paulo keith like all those guys of course rest in peace uh or just they were
like what i aspired to be and they were so good i didn't it wasn't like oh i will be this
this way but that was like my dream and then you know fast forward several years i got a
a second boy on the way uh it's 2015 where my wife and i are moving from um mountain view like
the bay area to orange county and for a while i was I was going all right in comedy, you know, but then when we came back here, the, the steady stream of, uh, bar gigs weren't paying the bills. And I had the
realization like, you know, I gotta do something to make actual money, uh, especially with this
next kid on the way. And so I had to get a desk job. Like I worked at a financial services firm
in, uh, Orange County area. And so I was at break and I went to Amazon because I was like, you know, I just want
to read about comedy.
I wanted something to kind of distract me from what I had to do.
And I searched for Greg Giraldo book and there wasn't any.
And that was sort of my aha moment.
And I was like, you know what?
I'll do it.
And I had no idea.
No shit.
I love that.
So bored that you would look for a Geraldo book
and then... I was like, I can do it.
I can do this.
Hey, is it Taco Tuesday?
Alright.
Go ahead.
That's me at my desk job.
I was wondering if I was about to leave.
It's about to be my last casual Friday, y'all.
I'm about to write a Greg Giroldo book.
And I had to write emails before we were going to lunch,
announcing I'm going to be on break in 45 minutes, just FYI.
And so a few days after that, I contacted Jesse Joyce,
who opened for Greg.
They also wrote together. and he was i think the
first interview and then kareth foster who was a kind of a mutual friend of ours she was friends
with uh giraldo's manager rick dorfman and she connected me to him and that was important because
she sort of vouched for me because i knew i was gonna have to contact some people who weren't
comedians who were close to him and be like, who the fuck are you?
You know, like they have no idea what my angle was and why I was doing it.
And I guess in a large extent, like I didn't really know why I was doing it other than like I wanted to hear more about him.
So did you start writing it at that job?
Yeah.
You did.
Well, no, I mean, of course, only at night.
And when I would never.
Of course, off hours. Yeah. Off hours off but that's where you began the project yeah and beginning it primarily involved
calling up people and doing interviews and initially like i do it by hand and then i got
a call recorder app on my phone and i did about 20 of them and then i realized like this is a lot more work yeah and
i bargained for you're published bro this is a book that's a congrats something i would really
like to do one day or you do for me well i can say if you die i'll you're the next one yeah well
but maybe we can start it while you're alive yeah yeah let's get let's get it going now you know
i'd like to give it a peruse uh before i out. You know what I'm saying? It makes sure I'm cool with everything that you leave behind.
It's better than a eulogy.
So I'm really proud of you.
You know, we go way back.
You mentioned bar gigs, but you ran a show that by no means was a bar gig,
even though it was above a bar, and it was at Red Rock,
which isn't even there anymore on Sunset house or something uh but it was an attic upstairs and i don't know what
would you say it seeded it was intimate 50 75 yeah unless joe rogan was performing then we like
then it was 2000 i think but yeah i'm probably about everyone did it it was so good tom and
christina everybody was at that show and that's really where
i met you and got to know you and it was such a good room um and you as i ask everybody to send
me some of the stories and you've sent some stories where i was like man how the fuck do i
not know any of this um so what i'd like to do is is now get to know the author a little bit here i
always say it's the stories behind the storytellers.
Why don't you just start?
We talked about going linear.
I mean, the reason you're an American is how you started this whole email.
So I'd love to hear about all this.
Yeah, Nazis are the reason I'm an American.
And my mom was born in Germany
and it was kind of through unfortunate circumstances.
Like she wasn't German.
Her family is from Yugoslavia. and i think this was in the gosh early 40s and uh the nazis invaded where
they lived and a lot of her siblings were much older so i mean they they vividly remember it
uh those that that are still around and and you sit and listen to these stories and hear this stuff. I should hear more.
Unfortunately, the two of them have passed.
But so the Nazis invaded
and then my mom ended up being born
in like a displaced persons camp.
And how she tells the story.
In Germany.
In Germany.
Okay.
And they were actually fortunate
in that the people that were in charge were comparatively
like gracious you know they're they're as far as i know there's no like abuse or i mean it was still
a really crappy situation but um they're catholic and some however it worked someone in america in
chicago illinois area there's a big like slovenian community there
apparently uh sponsored them to like immigrate over and and i don't know how it worked but i
love that the slovenians are in chicago they're not they're used to that cold
come on man i'm out here
where i come from it's negative six negative and so yeah all six of them and their parents
moved to i think like a one-bedroom apartment in chicago and uh so in a way like that was there
i wouldn't say american dream but like it was pretty shitty you know like you they're alive
they're alive out and and my mom's like the most optimistic person ever and like so that's what i
mean obviously i love it here.
And she ended up getting a job years later at Pan Am Airlines.
That's where my father worked.
Small world.
So that's how I'm an American and not a German.
Yes.
Jesus.
So you're born where?
In Chicago?
No, I was born in Oceanside.
Like I grew up in Carlsbad, San Diego County.
So when it comes to adversity,
score is not very high.
Well, on the map, it may not be.
Tell us about at birth.
Oh, sure.
My birth was Halloween.
I was a Halloween baby.
And I think I cock-blocked
my older brother's Halloween fun
because my mom went into an early labor
about two months early.
And how my dad tells the story, i guess he's driving pretty fast that's pretty devastating they're like it's halloween
it's my birthday motherfucker no it's halloween no it's my motherfucking birthday
so on the on the i don't know if it happened on the way to the hospital or during delivery but
um in the process of being born i got blood in my lungs and i don't know if it happened on the way to the hospital or during delivery, but in the process of being born, I had blood in my lungs.
And I don't know how long it was, but it caused some damage.
And they didn't really know the extent of it.
What kind of damage?
Brain damage.
Okay.
But they didn't know.
And also then neurological damage.
I mean, I guess it's also motor skills.
But, you know, they can't really test your motor skills when you're 14 minutes old or whatever.
So I was in the hospital for a couple months, I think.
And so that sort of colored my first six years of life
because they knew I had some issues, but they didn't really know the extent.
So is it really like you's you're just gonna have to
wait to see as you get older you'll start seeing things happen and that's the way it goes yeah
matthew may not be like the other kids kind of thing but they could diagnose cerebral palsy
that was what they could tell because i guess that's a common birth defect
bad news we don't know what you got good news put a costume on
it's halloween here's a dum-dum they'll go push him out there Bad news, we don't know what you got. Good news, put a costume on, motherfucker. It's Halloween.
Here's a dum-dum.
I'll go push him up.
Trick or treat.
Give him a bottle, yeah.
Some Yoo-Hoo in it.
So, yeah, that was my first Halloween.
So they could diagnose, you said CP at the time, and that that's a i mean you i'm sure you've seen people
with it can be incredibly debilitating yeah and so it is you said you had it here before and i was
i was completely blown away i had no idea and you were you were like i'm glad but yeah yeah because
that was you know when you have something and especially when you're a little kid we're all
self-conscious i mean you're confident maybe you weren't but i i was i was a self-conscious kid and so it influences everything you do you're like you don't even
think of yourself as like your name for like oh you're the dude with like the disease or something
and also it's your whole world and someone else may not even see it right yeah and all you doing
is focusing on whatever that thing and as other people don't even see that and it was a blessing
i guess because like my older brother never really brought even see that and it was a blessing i guess because
like my older brother never really brought it up and and another did my dad i mean they didn't act
like i didn't have anything but i don't think they wanted it to define me especially at the
beginning and like i was a very happy kid kind of until i went to kindergarten and i became a happy
adult but like that was awkward because well when your kids have no
fucking filter no it was like my first week there and i don't think this had anything to do with me
having cerebral palsy but i was in the bathroom and my older brother was in fifth grade and so
this it was it went up to sixth grade so okay i don't know why what sixth graders were doing in
a kindergarten's bathroom that's a different story. But I got thrown in the trash.
Like, on one of my first days there.
They're like, oh, Matthew.
So they obviously knew my name.
I was like, hey, guys.
I'm Teddy's brother.
And then so I ended up getting thrown in the can.
And I remember, like, being pretty scared because I couldn't get out.
And then this other dude came in.
And I thought to
like help me out and he just points and starts laughing like i remember like hanging out because
i couldn't i wasn't like big enough to to knock it over and ask her to grouch and then i was like
help me help me and then this other boy uh took pity on me i guess and seemed like pissed and he
he knocked over the trash can and got me out,
and his name was Lester, and he ended up going to MIT.
I don't know if that's the reason why,
but he did a good deed,
and he's probably making nuclear weapons or something now.
Thank you.
Lester sounds like the name of a dude that would go to MIT.
Lester was good people, man.
But that...
Did you get bullied a lot?
I got made fun of a lot. Made fun and i mean well that's today it's so funny you say that we are a different generation because today that is bullying
i mean it was then too but we looked at it differently like oh they're just teasing me
and making fun of me like i always i guess the way i grew up bullying was always physical i felt like
you know what i mean like someone actually putting hands on you, beating you up.
And, you know, now you see that all of it is obviously bullying.
But I didn't look at it like that either.
Yeah, I mean.
That was the whole sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.
But words will never hurt me.
Yeah, or I'm rubber and you're glue.
And I was like, you didn't want it to let all you have to let them know it like affected you but
you're saying it while you're crying but like no i mean just you know whenever i'd like i had
plenty of friends but like some of them i ended up being friends with like i remember walking by
they're going you know doing like that stuff and then like a number of times people ask me like
are you retarded and like like not not not not not joke
no kids and some were my age and like i just be like no you are you know like yeah and and i
remember a few times actually like fighting him because like my right hand worked just fine
and i remember like i i got it and this is my jab and like fist fights i'm like i can't hold
the toothpaste bottle but this this And I was like
I'll give you this fucking T-Rex call
Motherfucker
And I remember getting called into the principal's
Office, like, why did you punch him?
He said I was a retard
He made fun of my hand
And they're like, well, that's no excuse for punching him
But what, was your hand different than it is now?
I don't
Well, it was smaller
They're doing this this but they're a
little but also like i went to stood out that they made fun of i i couldn't really grab things well
i got you and all i think i or whatever yeah i limped more than i do now and also i went to like
the school it was a public school but they had this communication center, which was kind of like the special needs class too. So I would begin class with everyone else. And then Matthew would report to like the
communication center. And then I'd go with like kids in wheelchairs or kids, you know, who like
took the short bus, you know, like, like very clearly had obvious issues but they're also kids who like were
deaf or had learning disabilities and so they kind of grouped us together and we would do physical
therapy or i think i honestly don't remember like a lot of the the coursework but they would do
certain lessons and then they dismissed me back to the regular class so i think having that like
midday or yeah and having that break i mean i get why they
do that because that that's that's what i'm saying i was a lab rat because like everything i did
like i remember a teacher being like can we watch you do jump rope or can we watch you jump rope at
recess i was like you better get two motherfuckers i was like you're not asking Logan. You're not asking Ryan to, you know.
Can we watch you tie some knots?
Like what?
And then they're basically there with like clipboards.
So it's like, I don't think it's just to see how high I can jump.
I was like, why is that guy wearing a lab coat?
She's not a regular teacher.
Tie these 10 sets of shoes.
Why are you guys asking me that?
So when you get stuff like that you just feel that that was in this class yeah that was that's your first that began
in kindergarten um and it went for years but yeah it was the first half of the day and they're
studying you and there's and then like you know like why was i the only one who had to take an iq test and it was because like they
knew that i was predisposed for maybe having issues like like mental issues were and and now
that's that was hard because when people would say like well are you retarded or like and i remember
like a friend's mom i was also kind of goofy too which that a lot of kids are um he asked if i
could come over and and uh my mom's like i'm not
sure he's all there said that yeah well she said it to him and then he told me so and i didn't know
what that meant at the time i was like what do you mean i'm all there like i'm sitting here i'm
right i'm standing here but it just one of those things like you know up until i was really doing
the show i kind of forgot about that but like these things that like stick out like they really kind of influenced i
think fuck my adulthood can i ask you did was there ever a time where you told that to your
parents and then they had confrontations with anyone or or oh yeah well one time like um
it was after the first time i did kindergarten. I think I probably told some of these.
You repeated kindergarten?
I repeated kindergarten, yeah.
I was that good at it.
I have a master's in finger painting.
I still can't spell receipt.
And pooping my pants, yeah.
So they sent me to Montessori for like six months,
but then I actually made some good friends
at the public school,
and then I wanted to go back there.
So I think part of that was like like they thought maybe i wasn't adjusting
and and i argued that i wasn't adjusting because i was being pulled out all the time to go to like
the special ed classes um but it's like somebody not all there that's a good strategy bro well we
had i mean what would you do i mean you're you're you're a mom you're a dad so like if if your kid
was i mean you probably want to know like yeah so it's like i don't want to know every fucking yeah yeah but
it also like because like i always wondered if i'd have real trouble academically that was probably
the best thing that happened from it because i was like dude like these people are
gonna they're just gonna know more stuff than i'm gonna do so if it takes them 10 minutes it might
take me an hour and a half to learn like four plus five whatever but like i got something in my head
that like might not work as well um so i i gotta like i gotta work a lot harder than they do to do
the same thing that's a great attitude though it. And I, so many people have come on here and they've talked about their struggles and a lot of parents
have been, have that tough love and it's helped. It's like, we're not going to treat you differently.
We're not going to pity you. We're not going to, you know, make you feel any less or anything.
And it's, I mean, it, it obviously pays dividends. I mean, to parents out there who are, please do
that. Like I got a buddy who, we've taught him since
past, but he had muscular
dystrophy. We were in the classes together
and his
progress so
rapidly. Larry, why are you here? You're only
farsighted. Jesus Christ.
Why is he in this class?
What we're saying.
He still
had the attitude like, I'm i'm like you you know i'm
like everyone else and i mean in certain ways and he was the best shit talker total smart ass and i
think it's also because of his dad whose dad was a football coach another just like tough dude
and like if he would have overly coddled him and be like you know don't listen to those mean people like he wouldn't have had the the healthy adulthood he did that's great dude um i want to hear this uh story about
this lunch table redemption here because as you've said it's the possible apex of my life
in parentheses it might be so my school had this idea to like separate recess by grades.
Like you had to be two grades apart.
So it used to be like,
you know,
first and second graders would play together.
So I was in,
I think fourth grade and,
uh,
had to eat lunch with the sixth graders and the sixth graders were,
I was different.
They pretty much like had pubes and like,
we're talking about kissing girls and like,
and like they,
they could play basketball,
like dunk on the small courts.
And like,
I got to sit at the lunch tables with them once. it was just like don't screw this up this is my chance and like i was a i was a smart ass and i think they liked that so like
they let me kind of hang with them and i was tall and there was this woman who's kind of like a
lunch lady but she would sell milk and generally she was a milk lady a milk lady yeah that's god you're smart man and uh
she was sort of the authority figure generally cool but she could you know bust our balls some
and uh some some kid was giving her attitude or something and he called her lady and she goes
my name's not lady he goes she goes it's janet it's janet and i go is it miss jackson if you're nasty and like and like the sixth graders they
and then she goes matthew get over there so i had to like pick up my lunch and and like like sit at
the tree and i think i had to go to the principal's office like i was a big trouble you know because i
was like showing up uh the the the milk lady but after that like great dude like i was like eight feet tall giving a high
five and even like the big sixth grader i'm sure they called my mom like nothing they could have
done like you know what it would have hurt me at that point so that that's why like putting some
authority figure down was the uh the highlight of my life that's fucking great so then that's is that like
because a lot of us you know either we didn't fight or or we did but we were always funny
enough to get out of shit you know is that where you feel like i think so thick skin through all
this yeah and also that i remember one of the kids at the table um we were playing basketball
weeks later and some other dude called me goofy matt and like
that used to like i thought of it like goofy like the cartoon character he thought they were talking
goofy because like cerebral palsy and he got up in his grill and like talk shit you know and like
defended you totally defended and at first i was like i kind of didn't like you know i was like i
can defend myself but i was like yeah and then like that guy never fucked with me again and then
like i'm not saying it's because
i had this like ability to kind of be quick on my feet uh word wise but they didn't mess with
me anymore after that and then that's why like i really like from then on i had friends you know
it wasn't like there were other factors that influenced it but that's what i point to is
like the turning point from being like kind of the special kid what are you laugh what other factors part you said there are other factors oh
like having good parents yeah you know how your parents together they are and they're still like
and then um and you have how many siblings i got two brothers one you you've probably met he did um
the sound at red rock oh yeah and he actually did he directed can we take a joke
where christina uh did the vo work and i got a younger brother and uh so we were all pretty
close i mean my other older brother was like five years older so that was a little too far but like
my younger brother we'd play basketball together or play whatever we could and uh and just kind
of hang out and i think having that system also helped you know i wanted to ask you did you play sports growing up and and what did you like if you did i played yeah i i mean i i
didn't like baseball because i couldn't catch or shit but what about bat you said you had a hard
time holding i had a hard time gripping things yeah but like it's more like like piano would
be super but like i could do curl like if it's like a basic kind of like gripping thing that
now if i need you to grab a lead pipe and I can do it.
I'll shake a little bit.
I'll need an adapt
to help spot me.
That's just adrenaline.
I'll raise it with my right hand.
It'll be a little off kilter.
We'll get up there as long as it's under 100 pounds.
Oh my god but yeah i played i played basketball and uh and i played tackle
football which i think is pretty much outlawed now yeah it's pretty it's good it's it's getting
there you have to be in a real rough neighborhood to play pop warner what did you play what position
i played d line damn o line but mostly i played three years two years on the defensive line one year
tackle a line and basketball what was that your sport oh yeah basketball was my sport and and i
was good at how tall are you what are you six three and i was almost like it by sixth grade i
was like 5 10 5 11 were you really so i mean like my height is a six yeah and awkward as hell but
like it didn't matter if the other if you're a foot taller
and they just throw you the ball like you have a pretty nice advantage and so i was like one
of the better players till around you're dunking on the eight foots and oh yeah where are you
i couldn't you know jump over this piece of paper but i could go
i was doing the kevin McHale drop step.
But that changed when the kids got my height or bigger,
but actually had coordination and were athletic.
And because I was good as a second grader,
you're like, I'm going to be good my whole life.
And then I remember trying out for JV when I was a sophomore. i thought like oh i'll make the starter as a freshman you know whatever i'll this is this will be fun but i'll now was the
freshman to freshman do you had did you have a freshman team and then a jv and a varsity yeah
yeah so i played freshman and was was pretty good and then uh when when jv came around i did the um
tryouts and i seemed like everything
went well because i was center like i didn't i was like i don't have to dribble you know you
just throw me the ball yeah right yeah i was way taller now this dude's like you know basically
uh george murasan i think was and then i got this uh the note right before math class too
that was pretty humiliating it was like the list of people.
Oh, just out there.
Not my name.
And I was like, ah, you know, and it's one of those like, I remember like I hold, I cried
when I got home, but I was like stiff upper left because I got to go to class.
And then like a couple of days later when I could actually like meet the coach, I was
like, kind of like what, what's wrong or or what did I why did I make the team essentially
and he's like uh you've gone as far as a one-handed player will go and that was just like
it was like he pulled my pants down and just like called me a retard again you know me like
I took it as bad as I think you can and now I he might have just meant like dribbling like I I need
to use my hands which is like 80 20 with
your right hand fundamentally sound yeah yeah i was like which makes perfect sense but i thought
it was just like you gotta have this retard who only has one arm and like you smell bad and you'll
never get laid kind of thing and and i was like and then i was like i didn't want to give him
like the satisfaction of like seeing me cry there.
So like, you know, of course I wait till I get home and just like waterworks.
But that was kind of a turning point because I was like, I'm not going to, now I'm not going to be an NBA athlete.
And I, and that's why I put like, and I thought, God honest truth, Ryan, like if I didn't have cerebral palsy in my head, I would at least been like a second, a second round pick.
I don't know. That's what I thought. I love love you but i don't know that's what i thought i don't know
i mean i'm looking at a lot of things that are not adding up to nba okay
but in my head i was like dude looks good at a tank top i'll give you you know
the fact that no other person from my high school ever made it to the nba should have been a
some foreshadowing influence but no i i but but like to get serious um bring it bring it down
it's sort of like we're all told like you know the odds are against you
for for some reason and it's like if you buy into it it's like it's poison you know like if you're
like like you're not going to do that and and like i i'm not an advocate of like yeah i i never would
have been a sprinter or like you know power yeah that hole you could be anything you want no you
can't not what i'm saying but like not everyone could be an olympic sprinter but like when you have something where like
you make a big deal of it it can it can go one of two ways you can use it to motivate you that's
right and be like you know screw them i'm gonna do it anyway or you'd be like you're right i'm not
gonna be good i'm gonna need all these people to help me and like you have so much more privilege
because you can grab a capri Sun with one hand or you can...
Every time I grab it, I squirt the things out.
Yeah, I just have this envy.
Like, dude, that's why all the chicks are going to him.
Because, like, his wrist circumference is identical from his left to his right.
That's a Capri Sun, man.
It's a ruining Caprice on the kids houses
thanks for having me on your show he just called i gotta go call up a therapist now
oh my god peanut gallery over here egging him on stop it you're only encouraging him
i can't hear that much soundproof
so yeah a few years later ryan i realized that i don't think
i would have been uh uh power forward material even with uh you know i mean a lack of uh i'm
not sure what the percentage of it is for humans on this planet but it's probably around a one to
two less than a one percent of people playing the nba so yeah
but good dream good thank you god were you gonna be in the major leagues at some point in my head
yeah in my head what when did you realize you might not start for the baltimore way earlier uh
13 14 yeah okay i couldn't i mean there were kids at our age way earlier i was 14 so those
well i thought you were like you know senior oh yeah you were you're trying out for sophomore
i guess same age then but i didn't know i'll be honest i never thought i'd be a professional
pitcher or anything like that because early on we had a kid his name was scott sharp i have no
problem saying his name and i was just talking to my brother about a kid in his son's league that's like like 12 10 12 somewhere in there and this
kid was touching like 70 80 at that age and i was like oh there's there's one from the area
yeah that is doing that and this kid was just something else like i it was like a it was like
a fucking you know major league pitcher coming in
just throwing meatballs across the plate and i was like good fucking god and i was like if that and
he i don't think i think he did go into play and like i want to say i heard texas minor league
organization stuff like that i don't know if he ever cracked the bigs but i'm saying a guy that
good then still having a hell of a time so you had the wherewithal to kind of put two and two together i mean i needed to be realistic look at me this this is not a major league anything body
but comedy it's a major league comedy comedy yeah anybody is really um so was high school
so all right so after that do you what do you do Do you ever go out again? Do you decide you're not going to play?
Is it the same coach?
You just know you're not going to make it?
Well, I wanted to kind of show him up in some other way.
That's what I was going to say.
How does it motivate you?
You know when you're a senior and you can write laurels in the paper
or something like that?
I was like, I want to do something good that I can kind of throw in his face.
And so it was academics like i was um
not not as retarded as the kids said i was and i know so i was doing well in school and um and
then i kind of got i got to the point where like that sort of became my thing a little bit like i
mean i was still friends with a lot of the jocks or whatever but like that was sort of my identifier and then um i was like well if i could do a good college
that'll kind of like that'll show him and and so i worked hard and i ended up i was i graduated
second in my class wow did you really yeah fuck yeah dude thank you this is coming from a guy that
they that they say they don't even know how you're gonna do it you gotta you repeat a kindergarten yeah well i was 25 when i graduated i didn't
mention that part i'm sorry i graduated on the second day of my graduation second of three kids
total so no no second in your class that is amazing and so it was like i got like a piece
of the yearbook where you kind of say your things and
i and i forget like the whole page is like fuck you basically and then they had to they took it
out because it was like a little too direct because i oh really you went straight out i said
like yeah like i forget his name now like um dan something um i forget his last name but i i said
mr what dan will call it um like i'm moving on and you're still here.
It was some kind of petty, like, they should have taken it out.
I hope you never get tenure.
Yeah, exactly.
That girl who said she touched you, I hope she was right.
So they took it out. and so he never saw and like honestly now if i saw like i know like
animosity but like at least that was sort of like i felt good that like i got to a point
and and again like when you're 17 you i stupidly thought like oh if i get into a good college then
then i'll be like set and it was kind of a dumb goal,
but like at least it gave me something that like,
it wasn't as reliant on my lack of athleticism.
I mean,
I think about it and wonder about it all the time.
Like,
you know,
if you did make that team,
you're not the same person,
you know?
Um,
but also you could have folded up and just been a little,
you know,
you know, tumbleweed and blew away, but you said, fuck it. And you use that adversity to motivate
you. And I just love that. That's one of my favorite things. I love seeing people move
forward like that. And I think you kind of need some of these like bad things.
You do. That's exactly right. Like this guy, now you look back on it, played a prominent role in
your life absolutely did
absolutely and while it didn't feel good to be told what you were told what it did do but it's
at your core that's you though is it motivated you to go say well fuck that i'll show you and
yeah if if he hadn't done that if you hadn't had the balls to go out i mean if you hadn't had the
aspirations to be a fucking nba player bro you wouldn't be second in your class that's impressive man second in your class that's
really good thank you what is that what loudy is that uh it was um salutorian is that what it's
called what's no well that's college shit oh is it so yeah high school it's like valid you know
where i graduated in my class in the s section but i heard it wasn't any motherfucking numbers i was in the
s it went to shs and then the si's and i was right there behind the sibs he's here just let him walk
just let him walk his brother will be proud that's really good dude so where did you end up going to
college ucla okay. Not terribly far.
And then I started playing basketball again.
I mean, that was fun because, I mean, I was never really good,
but I would do it just for fun, like intramurals, rec leagues,
and stuff like that.
Through the college?
Yeah, more or less.
I mean, I'm sure it took some semesters off,
but that was cool because then I could just play for fun,
and it was kind of therapeutic to just not worry about trying to make a team or
be able to hit a jumper and all this time that's passing what is happening with your health do you
have to go get do you have to have it monitored do you go get checked out like what is going on
because you said you actually limp less now yeah i think some of it is you just grow into your body
um but yeah around high school is when, when the physical
therapy stopped, but then I got to kind of do regular weight training like everyone else.
Right. Yeah. Um, and, and then actually getting into, uh, years later I started doing yoga
Bikram for a while because actually it was a girl from comedy I thought was kind of cute.
And then she got me into it. But that helped my balance
a lot. But around junior high, I realized like, you know, other than having a hard time, like,
you know those diagrams where you have to fold and then like unfold, they're like puzzles. And so like
I was awful with those. Everything else I was pretty good at. So I was like, you know, I'm all
right in my head, you know, like I don't think I have any learning disabilities or anything like that so like
that just took this big
weight off my shoulders where I was like alright now I want to
like instead of just being okay
and not proving I'm not a retard like I want
to be like the best in my math class
or I want to be the best in my history class just
to prove I can
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so then you go to college and are you dating like what is that
i i was in fact i i had a pretty hot girlfriend too for a while like yeah yeah so that was like
high that's what i'm saying high school was good like i got my first real girlfriend i think um
gosh around senior year and then um she went to different college and but it was close enough to ucla where we were continuing to date um and that
was like if fourth grade is my apex this was close i was like okay it was like sophomore year of
college yeah and your penis is apex yeah yeah exactly and then i was like uh and even so i was
like yeah she's smart too i bet we'll married. You know, like kids will be good looking because of her, you know.
Because of her.
And then it was one of those like, you know, you visit like, oh, things are cool.
Then like the calls are a little less frequent.
And then I remember my sophomore year, I think I need to get some into i need to establish my independence it was one of
those and i was so ignorant right like i'm like oh we're in love you know and i was like what are
we talking about independence like we love each other don't we and then uh she just says it
essentially broke up without saying it and i was like devastated and then like a week or two later
she was like dating some guy from her class you know
at her college and i was like fuck her you know like like and you know that was like everyone's
been dumped but the first time i mean and i'd been dumped after that too but the first one
hurt the most but that was again another blessing in disguise because i was an econ major i didn't
really like know what i wanted to do i was a huge comedy nerd and i was like you know what i'm not gonna live my life like she
wanted me to even though she never wanted me no i was like i'm gonna go to new york yeah yeah all
this crazy stuff i'm gonna go to new york and i'm gonna make something myself my older brother lived
there and uh so i took some time off uh from college and i got an internship
at conan and that was um what got me into stand-up too because a lot of the writers were stand-ups
right and so when my i didn't open my uh around the time i was leaving and one of my it was
basically just reason to like talk shit about the girl who dumped me remember some joke about like
my ex said she
needed to find her independence and she's able to do that on her boss's cock and i i thought that
was just like oh like this like you know oh if she ever heard that but like she wouldn't care
matter of fact i was in the same bar drinking you were in about i didn't even hear it yeah
she's like i was your set was boring honestly uh But that was like because of her or in my head because of her.
Because of that.
Because of the situation.
I got to New York.
And then because of getting to New York, I saw these people that were like making a living doing comedy.
And then they told me they're like, you know, there was an open mic here.
And like I went and like it was awful as you'd expect.
And so I just sat there and I was like, you know what?
I can come up with something.
Like I could have like a punchline. i don't know if it'll be funny but i worked my ass off that
week to come up with like a few minutes when was your first stand-up uh ever ever i was 20 and uh
it was in baltimore at a place called winchester's upstairs above this it's so funny because last
year i went home and did a show and i went there and i took pictures of the place and i was like it's it's just trippy to be you know that's the first place i ever did it and
then i only did it for a few months and then just a bunch of life shit happened and i didn't do it
again until i was 27 when i was out here okay yeah but after that did you was it like a jumping out
of you know with a parachute and you feel still or is it just like yeah i got i got i scratched that itch what after your first time no i loved it i
was no yeah i was no i loved every fucking second of it and then quickly i learned too it was one
night the power went out no mike wasn't i was like oh fuck you know you gotta you gotta be more than
just funny you gotta control a room and all, you know, deal with bullshit.
So, yeah, I got a quick taste early on, but I loved it.
You know, there's no drug like that.
Immediate feedback.
Yeah.
There's positive feedback.
Well, then the bad feedback is sometimes.
It fuels you.
Yeah.
You need it.
You got some bad.
Look at that.
You ended up second in your class.
Imagine if he'd have told you you were a piece of shit. You might have got first.
Exactly.
So fuck that guy for not being harder on you.
I'd be asking you the questions.
I'm the one over here not even
knowing about the loudies in college.
There'd be books about me, not some dead comedian.
Yeah.
Alright. I want to talk to you more about your health because i told you um i have it's called
charcot marie tooth disease it's it's the three doctors who named it it's a really ridiculous name
but kudos to your name um but i'm missing a layer of muscle in my calves and the way it's always been explained to us is it's you know it's
i don't want to say borderline but it's the doctor one time told us it's like uh you know
a little more and it's ms okay you know um so ms adjacent yeah i guess um i don't know if that's
true or not but what i do remember is we were at Hopkins getting some tests because, you know, it was obviously hereditary.
My father has it or had it.
My brothers have it.
I have it.
And this doctor, he's a doctor.
He said, you guys are lucky you're not Jerry's kids.
And I just remember my dad going, hey, guys, step outside real quick.
And we just we knew we went there.
We were right there and we
were all up on that door and my dad ripped that motherfucker just up and down like what the fuck
are you talking and you know just and we were like oh we were so proud of our dad but then it was so
fucking hilarious because also as a kid you're seeing your dad who yells at you yelling somebody
like yeah all three yeah yep and that's why i always say uh you know
what they call a doctor to finish last not second last in in his class what's that doctor they still
call him doctor you don't have to be good to be a fucking doctor no you don't so how has it affected
your life moving forward like you're a dad are you keeping up with your kids are you you know how do you how
do you handle it day to day is it painful no no no it's and it's very mild like i mean you you
mentioned you didn't know i had it and it doesn't know it doesn't get worse so it's like it won't
for you it won't it won't uh and it impacts like the it's most noticeable like the edge of my
fingers like so you can do this and this and like so i'm not a great typist um not gonna be a sprinter but i am a little bit worried about
it's like as i get older like balance because a lot a lot of big cause of death is like slip and
fall yeah it is and so that like i i'm just trying to be more active and like strengthening my legs
and ankles and just trying to like keep moving so i don't trip off
the stairs at you know 50 something and die you know something that could have been avoid
i think about that all the time old people with cats running by and they're like oh my god and
they trip and fall and die right and they're just done like that because the fucking cat ran by
but it's like kids are awkward anyway as you're growing up you know and i was a tall kid so i
think being tall and having a little bit of cerebral palsy magnified it.
But it's really not that different than any normal person like you, Ryan.
Well, that wouldn't have your disease.
So there's no medications?
You don't have to do anything?
You said yoga helped with balance.
Yeah, that does.
And there's stuff I should be doing more of like like like the um small muscle group exercises you know so like lifting one foot an inch 200 times like stuff
that like you should people should do you know just to get like coordination improvement um but
but strength training and stretching because i think people with uh with cp are more inflexible more more spastic so that's other than that it's
it's no no different dude you're a fucking soldier so um in 2012 you had some stories about 2012 here
your boss's wife oh yeah that that was um i had a good job and a good good job and like i enjoyed it in fact
through the red rock years i worked from home most of the most of the time uh doing investments
for this investment fund it was a little bit like a shark tank because we we had like a few million
bucks and we could invest in public companies directly i mean that that we're looking for money
um and it was a fun gig
man it was i really enjoyed did you ever invest in something that blew up like the banjo minnow
or some shit like that um we really big mouth we invested in something that was uh was a 50 cents
headphones like the company that made that and we got out before it ended up not making a lot of money later but like
before we could sell it was up like thousands of percent and like i i don't know what my cut
would have been it would have been that much but still that was but well one one investment we put
in a hundred grand and we pulled out a million bucks in about a year and that was a pharmaceutical
something or other and like it was just kind of luck because like I don't know what made that any different than this other one.
But I remember one day, it was like,
and I remember putting in the trade orders just shaking.
You know, just be like, can you sell?
Because I thought something would happen.
And we'd lose the money.
But anyhow, so I had a really fun job.
And I think in some ways it kept me from pursuing comedy.
But I was like, I don't want to pursue it.
I'm making six figures. I'm working from home. home like life's good yeah then we moved to the bay area
and then my boss calls me and he's like my wife has really serious cancer stage four i think
and we're shutting down and i never thought like i'd be without a job
you know and like i was making money doing comedy but not not enough to like um make you know support my
family especially up there especially up there my wife was in medical training so she wasn't
making a lot of money luckily i saved i saved money and then and then it was like two days later
i got a text or an email from roosterteeth feathers and i got my first headlining gig
there was like a wednesday show ryan sigler probably couldn't make it and i filled in and i was like life's gonna be okay i'm gonna make 48 dollars from this gig
um but that was it was it was just an example of like kind of stand up pulling me through it oh
yeah and and my son was due a month later your first child my first child was due a month later so it was like you know i i never felt worse in in terms of being like a bad provider in my life luckily my wife
the big reason why we're together is like she just like like when things are bad she's at her best
and like she's just like fuck it you know like whatever like we'll we'll get through it
and like i should have known that because i know like whatever like we'll we'll get through it and like
i should have known that because i i suspected like this job wouldn't last that's nice to have
when shit's at it that's oh my god like best when it's the worst she's awesome like i mean like
obviously we fight and stuff but like when when there's like gnarly things she's she's so calm
and like i was just like oh thank you sweetie and uh so that that got me to doing some awful
like online comedy work you know where people are like all right we got this money and i remember
talking to you about this because i was i called you from the bay area and i was like i'm looking
for content um and i knew you had some pilots or some stuff you and tom did i was like i asked do
you have like 12 of those and you're like maddie no one's gonna do 12 they didn't
get picked up i was like you know you got a point um 12 is a lot 12 is a lot so i that i got into
i don't want to say all the brands but you know i was just trying to like make a living in comedy
and then that kind of got me into um some cannabis companies that they're like oh we want to start
the espn of weed i was like that sounds cool what does to start the ESPN of weed. I was like, that sounds cool. What does that mean? The ESPN of weed?
Like, um, there, there were some ex TV guys, uh, somewhere in LA, somewhere in the Bay area,
and they wanted to have like a lifestyle channel based on weed. So they thought maybe a good,
like who would be maybe food now. Exactly. Exactly. So I should have done a Google search,
but that kind of got me into that world,
which has since helped
because it's been a good source of income for other things.
Do you smoke?
Does smoking help with cerebral palsy?
It can.
In fact, I started...
CBD?
Oh, big time.
And it helps for people who are a lot more...
I mean, on the spectrum, I'm really fortunate.
I understand that.
But yeah, if there are people who have these really gnarly spastic episodes a lot more well i mean like on the on the spectrum i'm really fortunate but like yeah but like yeah
if there are people who have these these really gnarly um spastic episodes where they just they
shake their head like like repeatedly for like 20 minutes and imagine what that does to your muscles
to your bones and and so they'll take cbd oil or something it's more powerful thc oil and like it's
anecdotal they'll take thc i mean and it's i've seen the videos of kids with
seizures and they're crazy yeah and it just calms them down calms them down and like i had some
sleeping issues just because i was like how are we gonna afford to live here and that's when i got
my cards but it put me to bed like how are we gonna live right up there yeah it's not gonna it's not gonna regrow any nerves for
me though that's um i want to hear about this 2017 gig right here you see this one where you
you sent an email yeah yeah so we moved back to my wife got a job in orange county
and uh so i was like moving to laguna beach she's like you want to move i was like oh yeah it's uh it's not a bad place to to live and yeah and you know my comedy career takes a
little hit oh well um and so i had to get a real job again and this was at a like old school
financial services company basically pitching index fund mutual funds to like very conservative
conservative in terms of like investment style
and i was pretty good at it you know i'm not great but but enough to where like i was employable
and uh then like they wanted to get more clients you know so no shit you want to get more clients
and uh this one client was this family and it's like you you see a lot of this i'm sure it's like
almost like the buses it's like the ones see a lot of some shirts like almost like the
buses it's like the ones that make the money are real smart and then the kids doesn't always yeah
carry over to the next generation so they do all sorts of things to like preserve wealth for their
for the rest their deadbeat families and so there's this trust fund trust fund kids but
these were like 50 year old kids you know
and so you're gonna get kids yeah yeah but they're counting on mommy and daddy's right yeah i bet
and so it was a relatively big you know several million dollar opportunity and uh so you got to
get a bunch of information so say you're a client i need to know where you live your income you know
a lot of personal
but not like i'm not asking you to pull your pants down kind of thing so you write all down
and this was a family so i got i had to get it from everyone let me see you jump rope exactly
can you squeeze a capri sun with one hand are you always so mean randall
if putting me down makes you taller no i didn't put you down
it's your chance to have redemption on that you jump rope you jump rope and so i i sent
it was like a brother i sent one brother's information to the wrong brother and the one
and i was like oh fuck you know and i was that guy getting more
than the other or anything like that no but one was like he was making more and like the brother
who's like information i told couldn't have been cool he's like how basically shit happens i had
to disclose it and i was like dude i'm really sorry but like it was this attachment you know
they kind of look the same the same questions and then the guy, the other brother was just like pissed.
Is he getting a shorter end of the stick?
I don't know what the deal was.
Yeah, why be so mad about that?
Because he was mad that like his brother-in-law or someone saw like how much money he made.
And I was like, dude, like I messed up.
I'm not a good typist.
Yeah, exactly.
I told you.
I should have pulled the cerebral palsy card. And I was like, you know, messed up. I'm not a good typist, man. I told you. I should have pulled the cerebral palsy card.
I was like, if I had two functioning hands, I should have sued the people.
I should have used my right hand to reach over and hit that stick.
I missed an opportunity here, y'all.
The CP affected that brain.
It said only send blank attachments and read it three times, Matt, before clicking send.
Oh, I would have done that.
I had blood in my lungs.
I had blood in my lungs.
When, last night?
I grew up in the rough part of Carlsbad, yeah.
And so then, like, my boss, like, and, like, I never really liked the job.
You know, I was like, you made a mistake,
and we're going to try like basically like rectify it but
it was a big mistake and i was like yes i made a mistake like how and then so a few days later
i got called in and like they're basically let me go just they just said that we can't because
the guy was like still like i i think what it was is like they didn't know if it was gonna be a client or not if if you know i'm the sacrificial lamb we we got rid of that loser who
you know had this breach but like we want you we want your money you know etc etc and like i mean
they gave some other reasons like they they oh they went through all my old emails and there was one that i sent uh to a different
client that had um i sent on my phone that that there was like a junk email on it that just like
self-populated and it never it never went anywhere because it was like a defunct email address but
they they referenced that as like a second strike but it meant they went through everything i was
like that's that's the best you could find you know like in my head i was like if this is like my fatal flaw like
then i'm getting the fuck and and this was like a month or two after we bought a house
and um it wasn't cheap and and i didn't really you know i wanted to do something else career
wise but i wanted to kind of like transition smoothly and get back to comedy anyway.
But then I remember getting home, and I kept it in in front of my kids
because I was like, I didn't want them to be nervous.
And my wife put my boys to bed.
Yeah, we have two now.
I was going to say, at that point, you had two kids.
Yeah, yeah, so I got two.
Oh, and then my wife also started another business.
So we got like extra loans, and was like oh my god like i thought we were gonna sell the house
which i know in the whole scheme of things like oh some guy's gonna sell laguna beach house poor
thing but like it hurt you know because like we just moved into it like three months before
and uh so i i break the news to my wife and like she's just kind of like fuck them you know like
that was kind of her attitude
like they fired you for that and i was like yeah i don't know it sucks but like you know like what
are we going to do money wise she's like we'll figure it out you know like at least that night
you know like she's like you know like then then i kind of lost it i was just like
you know but but then i had this like book to to do and like you know and like and and when did
you start working on this as i was working you know and like and yeah when did you start
working on this as i was working you know like two years before that two years maybe three ish
yeah so yeah about two and so it gave me this this actually kind of gave me a purpose because
that's what i put down here it's like no now i'm an author i'm not just a comedian i'm a comedian
and an author and like i don't know if you call it fate or whatever but my wife just did super
well at her job and she actually did some consulting work that i could help her with um so like we we had to lose the nanny but then i was
like making my kids breakfast walking to school like in hindsight like it was the best i don't
know if it's the best but i'm so glad it happened now that i know like we could kind of weather that
storm yeah um and then married up i'm oh my god she's uh she's a doctor so she does well for herself you did well for yourself and she's hot too so that's a but now i don't uh i don't know if this
will help her career or not but but you know even so like we didn't know if we'd be able to like
get the money together and and she just worked her ass off and uh of pulled me up. And then I was the Mr. Mom for a while, and it was pretty fun.
That's great.
I do want to talk a little bit about the book here.
Why don't you, do you mind sharing one of your favorite stories
or something that you didn't know about Greg that you ended up just really loving?
Sure.
One, that he would confide to Colinin quinn like regularly that he should quit comedy
really that like because he why was what was his that he wasn't good enough that like like he
wasn't living up to david tell or like i mean nobody lives up to david tell he could come close
i think like yeah but it was it was funny things he's not yeah and so that i mean because we're
comedy is so and comedians are so insecure.
And I wasn't surprised he was insecure, but I was surprised that it got to that level.
And according to those around him, he suffered from the imposter syndrome.
And that's when you think, it's like a clinical diagnosis where you have a condition where your work is never good enough and you think your work is crap.
Whereas like a perfectionist will think my work's never good enough, but my work's really,
really good.
I see.
And so that was just like, what?
Geraldo?
Like he thinks he should do that?
So it was kind of liberating.
I was like, I can tell some corny jokes.
You know, if he was insecure, it's all right for me to be insecure too.
What's the funniest thing you found in this in this book
of greg giraldo it still comes to me like the uh the dennis leary incident yeah that was just
see the roasts i'm going through here marriage and i think that was him as a like he was off
the cuff and the quick story was he was on tough crowd, and they were talking about North Korea.
And Colin Quinn, his host, asked, like,
should we take a tougher stance?
And Girold was like, well, maybe there's a nonviolent way
to deal with this.
And Dennis Leary piped in.
He's like, nonviolent way?
A country that we hate, that hates us,
has got nukes pointed at us?
I don't think so.
And then Girold was like, oh, yeah, yeah, like Russia, for example,
that big Russian war.
And it was just like so like, whoa.
You know, like he was right.
Like that was a really good point.
Yeah, he was great.
And that was, I think, my favorite like nugget from his work.
But there's many more.
I mean, you really got to buy like four or five copies to get the full.
To get the full sense, you know well i was sprinkling
on the appetizer sickler there's there's a lot more to it than that well i'm looking forward
to reading it and thank you for being here man i really appreciate you coming on i'm proud of you
dude i'm proud of you ryan thank you also glad to know so much more about you i had no idea
and uh the struggle is real and you did a fucking you're doing a great job man um will you please one more time all the social media where you can find the
book all that stuff sure hit on amazon it's called greg giraldo comedian story on uh twitter handles
uh facebook instagram at greg giraldo book the website is greg giraldodobook.com, and I'm at MattyBGame on Twitter.
All right, brother.
Thank you so much, man.
Proud of you.
I am Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com.
We'll talk to you all next week. Thank you.