The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Nick Swardson - SwardsonDew

Episode Date: January 6, 2025

My guest on The HoneyDew this week is comedian Nick Swardson! Catch Nick out on his "Toilet Head" tour or watch his latest special, Make Joke From Face, now streaming on YouTube. Nick joins me this week to Highlight the Lowlights of being discovered by Adam Sandler, his time working at Planet Hollywood before comedy, and the hilarious story of why his grandma wrote a three-page paper telling him he was going to hell—after he helped her walk again! SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON - The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! Get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! AND we just added a second tier. For a total of $8/month, you get everything from the first tier, PLUS The Wayback a day early, ad-free AND censor free AND extra bonus content you won't see anywhere else! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] Get Your HoneyDew Gear Today! https://shop.ryansickler.com/ Ringtones Are Available Now! https://www.apple.com/itunes/ http://ryansickler.com/ https://thehoneydewpodcast.com/ SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 SPONSORS: Rocket Money -Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to https://www.RocketMoney.com/HONEYDEW

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I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. And I am very excited to have this guest back on the honeydew. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Nick Schwartz and welcome back to the honeydew. Nick Schwartz. Let him see it, bro. Close it up again and let him see it again. Hi, everybody. Thanks for having me back, Brian. Dude, thank you for being back. Yes, good to be back. You look good. Thank you very much. Have a good year.

You look healthy. You look happy new year to you. You look really fucking good, dude. Thanks, man. I'm happy for you. Thank you. We're going to talk about some stuff today. But before we do, please promote everything you'd like. I quit. I have nothing to promote. Can you wait for that day though? Where you're like, it's I swear to God, during COVID, I was like, I think I'm done. I was just like, I've done it for 30 years. How long have you been doing it now?

I was just like, I've done it for 30 years. How long have you been doing it now? This business? 25, 26. It's crazy when you do it that long. You're just like, God, I can't wait to just go like, I don't know, but I love it so much. Yeah, I wouldn't know what else to do. Yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna go to medical school or just.

Are you on the road right now? Yeah. Do you have dates? Yeah, I toured, my tour, Toilet Head. I've been doing all fall. And where can they get tickets? Nick Schwartz and dotnet. So I'm starting my 2025 leg. I got about a dozen theaters left and then picking up some clubs to fill some holes and that I missed Houston,

Texas. You know when cities get mad when you just leave like, you know, it's all routing people don't know like you're just trying to like, okay, I'll do Dallas, blah, blah, blah. And like the venues sometimes aren't available. And then people get mad. So like Houston, St. Louis, I'm doing, I'm picking up a club in St. Louis and people like, they take a personal offense, it's not personal.

Like why aren't you coming to St. Louis, Nick? Yeah, they're like, hey, you know, what's up, dude? Because the venue that I need isn't available when I can do it and vice versa. Yeah. Like you try to make it work. You try to make it make sense. It's like, yeah, I'll be there in North Korea. At some point I'll hit the laugh factory there.

But yeah, no, people get mad. You get death threats from North Korea. They need to laugh. I get it, man. Fuck. I wonder what that first set would be like. The first comic in North Korea. It's either going to be fantastic or the worst thing ever.

I think it's going to go south. I think it's going to go south. It's going to go South Korea, bro. Yeah. But yeah, so I'm touring until May. And then I'm hopefully going to be filming two movies. Oh yeah? Yeah. All right.

Good job. He Pray Love 3. Yeah. We skipped two and got right into three. Yep. So look, I, uh, I know we, we preempt these and we talk about what we're going to talk about before often, but, um, I'm interested to talk about this cause you, you'd said your father passed away and it's something that you did

want to talk about, so let's go back father passed away and it's something that you did want to talk about. Let's go back quickly because you're a Minnesota kid. What does your dad do for a living? What was his job? What did he do? My dad was Carrot Top. Yeah. Carrot Top.

Sad. The Carrot Top now is not real. No, my dad was, he was like a businessman. He worked at kind of an ambiguous, this kind of company called Control Data. And it was very nine to five. And he wasn't happy. And I didn't really realize that until I got older. And he just didn't like the corporate world.

And so he made bad business decisions, was miserable, went bankrupt, not like we had a lot of money, but he went bankrupt. And then he just started, he wanted to be a writer, start writing, but he didn't, it wasn't sustainable for our family. So my mom took me and my brother and sister were off at school.

So she left him in the middle of the day. I remember I was 13. So your brother and sister are old enough that they're in college? Yeah, they're in college. So I'm 13 and I come home and my mom is furniture on the front lawn of our house. And I go, what's going on? And she goes, we're leaving. And I go, what do you mean?

She goes, I'm leaving your dad. I got an apartment like a mile away. And I'm like, what? This is, this is being dropped on you, right? When you walk home from school. I knew things were bad, but I didn't realize it was like peace out. So like my uncles and everything were helping us move. And so we just left my dad, he had to sell the house and he moved into a tiny apartment, but became a writer and he- Did he become much happier?

Yeah, he was way happy. So that's, yeah, it's interesting. Yeah, so it was cool, but- So he's just doing this job to take care of his family at first and he's miserable and fucking hates. Yeah, he just hated it. And then, yeah, he became a writer and he became really not successful

in like being super lucrative, you know what I mean? But like he became, he wrote for the city pages and the Twin Cities of Minnesota. So a newspaper, that know what I mean? But he became, he wrote for the City Pages and the Twin Cities in Minnesota. So a newspaper, that's what I wanna ask you, what sort of writings he did. Yeah, so he did editorials and he did, he started gravitating towards exposing shit, like his penis.

No shit. No, he started doing undercover exposing stuff. He'd be like, what's your dad's name? Roger. Ask Roger or whatever, Roger reports and he'd go and you ever see those local ones that do them here where they're like expose a business for fraud and this dude over here and shit like that. He's doing that kind of stuff.

So he did a story about the US Postal Service and how they were mistreating their employees. So he went on a whole thing about the working poor and exposing people that abuse the working poor. So he went undercover at the fucking post office for like a year. As a postman? In like the warehouses and stuff, as a worker,

and made no money, but like wrote this whole thing, wrote this whole story and it got picked up and- Well, don't you remember back then, like people coined the term, you're going postal. It was happening- That was way different though. But remember, it was happening so often back then that they were abusing these people,

people were losing their shit and going postal. And they would come in and fucking turn them into tombstone. Yeah, specifically at the post office, they're doing it. Yeah, going postal was the thing. You don't hear about it anymore. office, they're doing it. Yeah, going post was the thing. And now you don't hear about it anymore. Yeah, my dad solved it. Maybe your dad made a fucking difference. He solved that shit, man.

Yeah, dude. Get him over to fucking Iraq, motherfucker. Solve all of it. So how much are you seeing him once your mom splits? Are you 50, 50 or you? So he became like my buddy. Okay. So like we were just like hang out and I would go and hang out with him.

And he's close enough by that you can see easily and stuff. So he moved into an apartment down the street. So, which was weird because it was like, you know, it's important for parents to continue to be a parental figure. Like these are two takeaways for me that I can share with people. When you're in a divorce, if you're, you know,

make sure you don't, first thing is don't completely shit on the other parent, even though you fucking hate them. It was like, my mom was just shitting on my dad so bad. And he had a lot of faults. He wasn't a great husband, you know what I mean? But I'm a teenager, I don't know about stuff like that. So she'd be like, he's a fucking loser, blah, blah, blah. So, you know, that messed me up. because then I was kind of like not respecting my

dad as much and he'd be then he got hip to that and was like, No, we're cool, man. It's like, you know, we were like friends, but then it wasn't a dad. And then I just lost. I went off the rails and started doing drugs like crazy. And it was you know what I mean? So and that was a big part of it. But back to my dad, he was fucking cool. And yeah, he does. You know what I mean? And that was a big part of it. But back to my dad, he was fucking cool. And yeah, he just, I realized as I got older, it was like, oh, he had more of an artistic inclination.

You know what I mean? But he was in the mold back then of being like a dad and having a family and having a house and a corporate job. And he just didn't fit that mold. Yeah, that was that generation of men back then was you get a job, you get married, you raise a family, you take care of the family. You die.

You get a watch from the company you worked at for 30 fucking years. You get a watch, you hang yourself with the tie you got on Father's Day, and you do it in front of the family. Hang it up. Yep. Walk down for Christmas. Uh-oh, what's that new ornament? It's dad.

And it's fucking big. And we gotta open him up now. Do an autopsy. I didn't plan on opening up a body. I wanted a fucking bike. The fuck, man. Anyway, hope everybody had a good Christmas. One of my favorite jokes,

one of my favorite bits that never did well, I'll maybe do it on a special at some point, but it was about, sorry to sidetrack it, but it was a bit about Christmas. And this is based on a true story. So I was obsessed with, you know, just fucking with people, especially in conversations and like at parties and stuff like that, social situations.

Once I became like famous and a comedian, you can't get away with that anymore. But back when I, nobody knew who I was, it was great because you just fuck with people. So I still had a comedian mindset. So I was at a party and we were talking, all these people and I didn't know them and we were sharing Christmas stories. And I was like, oh, and the people were kind of annoying.

And I go, oh, I don't like Christmas. And this woman goes, what do you mean? And I go, yeah, I just grew up, I had some bad Christmases, a really bad one. And she goes, what happened? And I go, well, I woke up Christmas morning, I was about 10 years old, maybe nine. And I go down to the tree and I'm about to open presents. My dad's there and my mom's not. And I go to my dad and I go, hey, where's mom? And he goes, oh, she's not feeling well. And I'm like, okay. So I was about to open presents and I look up in the top of the stairs and my mom is

standing there naked. And she's holding a present. And she goes to walk down the stairs and she falls down the stairs and tumbles down and the gift falls on the ground and she goes, open it and she's drunk. And so I went and I opened it and she had vomited into a box and wrapped it up as a gift. And the people I'm telling this at the party are like,

are you fucking kidding me? And this girl, especially she's like, oh my god, I go wait Wait, then my mom stumbled and stood up pulled a gun out of a vagina And fucking blew her head off and everybody was like, oh my god. Oh My god, yeah. And the girl was like, that's like the worst thing I've ever heard. Like you must have like brain damage, like permanent.

And I go, yeah, it was bad for a while. But then the year after I got a bike. So it was like, cool. Ah, bike sauce. Yeah. And people were like, and then I just walked away. I was like, I'm just going to leave this. Wow. So wait, based on what true story is that?

Oh, it's not based on anything. No, it's a true story that I told the story at a party. But no, that didn't happen. My mom didn't blow her gun off. No, I justpped down the stairs. Oh, shit. But no, so yeah, my dad was- Did he ever remarry or anything like that? No, they both didn't.

Neither of them? No, my mom's still alive. She's, yeah, no, it's not happening. But yeah, it was cool. And it was funny because my brother did the same thing. My brother, John Swartz, is a singer-songwriter in Minnesota, Minneapolis, and he went to college, got a business degree, got a corporate job at a bank,

and was just like, fuck this. And he just became a singer-songwriter. And he does that and like bartends and picks up jobs. You guys all have entertainment in your family. Yeah, we kinda all did. So that was cool. But yeah, then my dad died, and this is not funny, but it is funny

because comedians are just dark. And my dad died and he was 69 years old. And I'm so immature that I couldn't say that he died at 69, because it made me think of 69. So people are like, oh my God, your dad died. How old was he? And I'm like, 68. And they're like, really?

And I'm like, 68. And they're like, really? And I'm like, yeah. And I just felt so stupid that I'm that fucking immature that I can't just give an accurate date of when he died. You know what I mean? I had to say 68, because I didn't want to say 69. Yeah, you know, he died on purpose. Fucking yeah, and I was 69 and God, or I don't know. Whatever the fuck. What, was it sudden or did you know it was coming? Was this, and I was 69 and God, or I don't know, whatever the fuck.

What, was it sudden or did you know it was coming? Was this something that you was expecting? No, this sucks too. So he died of a rare brain aneurysm. Really, really rare. I can't remember how it's pronounced. And so I'm in the hospital with my brother and my dad's like basically in a coma.

And the doctor's like, yeah, you're probably gonna have to we're probably gonna have to pull the plug, you know, that's your obviously your choice. He's no doctor wasn't like, I'm gonna fucking pull it. I don't know when I don't even know if I'm gonna tell you. No, he's like, you know, we're gonna have to whatever. So I'm like, okay, and he goes, oh, just to this is real. He goes, just kind of a side note on this brain aneurysm is Possibly hereditary. That's so I hate to say I was gonna ask you. I go

Great, you know, you couldn't have said that You know what? I mean like now I'm not trusting a hangover. Yeah, or if I eat ice cream too fast or whatever the fuck Happens. It's just like, ah, ah. So it's horrifying, but me and my brother were like, Jesus Christ. How old were you when he passed? I was 22. Had you started comedy?

Oh yeah, I started when I was 18. Did he get to see you perform? He got to, yeah, he got to see like kind of where it started to go, you know, so that was cool. But he didn't like get to meet Sandler. He didn't really get to see the films really. But he got to see more than open mics

and things like that. Yeah. You just farted around. He knew I got the Aspen Comedy Festival. He knew like I was making moves. Would he go see you at like ACME or any places like that? Yeah, totally, ACME Comedy Company, my home club, Minneapolis. Very cool. It's a great club.

But yeah, and he and this is a funny thing, too, is parents, you know, parents fight over their kids a lot over whatever. But when I started doing comedy, my mom was like, oh, no, you're still going to college, even though we didn't have money or grades or anything. And she was like, no, you're still going to college. I'm like, okay, whatever. And my dad's like, whatever the fuck you want. And I was like, I want to do stand up. And he's like, yeah. And then he would come to my shows and he would meet comedians and he got really into it. And my mom was like, you're still going to college. And I'm like, okay. And

then when I got discovered by HBO at 19 years old. And then I got started making money, got a commercial campaign. And then my mom was like, oh no, no, no, you don't need college. And then was like totally, yeah. No really, she did. And then she outlived my dad now. And so now she takes all the credit

because he's dead so he can't say anything. So I hope he haunts her. So how did you find out your dad had the aneurysm? Was it someone called you or he found him? My brother found him just kind of zombie walking around his place, yeah. Oh, so he was up and moving around, he just- He was just, but my brother was like,

he was just his zombie, not even completely. And he took him to the hospital? Yeah, no, he took him to Buffalo Wild Wings. Anyway, I'm sponsored by, no I'm kidding. Yeah, he took him to the fucking hospital. And then that's when they- He took him to a walking dead audition. He brought him into the room and was like,

I've got a guy. That'd be great. You don't even, you don't need to do anything. Just, that's all I would want my dad to do. The walking dad. When they take him to the hospital. That's my new show now, The Walking Dad. It's dead fucking stroke dad.

This is when they find out that he's got the problem. Like there was nothing leading up to that. That's what I'm asking you. Nothing. No. Just one day, boom, he's a zombie. Yeah. And then you take him to the hospital and like, this is what's going on.

How much time do you have with him after that? Is this something that happened pretty quick? No, see this gets even worse. So he fucking, so then he comes out of it kind of, and he just has like damage, you know what I mean? He's got brain damage. He's like slowed. Yeah, he's slowed down, his memory's shoddy,

and he lives in like a halfway house. But can he walk and take care of himself, things like that? Yeah, he barely, you know what I mean? I mean, it was kind of, it was an assisted living, and you know, he had his own apartment, but it was assisted living. And then it just went to South, it just went South. He stayed there though.

He stayed there for a minute and then he had to go to the hospital. He got another stroke and then he had to go to the hospital again. How long? So this went over the span of like all in about three years. Three years. Yeah. And you just watched them get worse.

Yeah. And then also I might have this in my head. Yeah, then I'm living with, oh, okay, well this might make an appearance. And, you know, especially like, you know, being a drinker, I mean, I was, I might not as much as I used to be, but being a big drinker, it's like, you know, nobody could tell if I was having a stroke.

So I was fucking hammered. You know what I mean? You couldn't tell. So I spent so much time at bars where people would be like, hey, Swartz, I don't know, dude. Nick's being Nick. And then I would fucking die. But yeah, so.

Were you close with his parents? Like, do you know now looking back if either of them had died from this? No. No, no, no. His mom had lived for a while, my grandma. She outlived him? Yeah, she looked to be like almost 90.

Now the grandmom, this grandmom, is this who you were closest with of your grandmom? I was close with my dad's mom, but I was really, really close with my mom's grandma. That's grandma. And that was the foundation of a lot of my early jokes about grandma lifting the mill, which is so funny. I love it.

For people who don't know who I am or people who know me recently, one of my first Comedy Central specials, I believe it was 2000, I had some jokes about my grandma and about how, I don't wanna paraphrase my own material, but you can check it out at Comedy Central Half Hour. But it was about how, and it was based on a true thing where I was with her in the kitchen

and there was a gallon of milk and she couldn't lift it. And I'm like, it's great hanging out with old people because you feel like a superhero. So my grandma would be like, I need help with this gallon of milk. And I'd be like, this gallon right here. And I would lift it over my head. And she'd be like, no, no.

She like couldn't believe it. She wasn't Adam Sandler, I don't know it over my head. Oh, Nick. Nick, Nick. She like couldn't believe it. She wasn't Adam Sandler. I don't know why I did that. Nick, Nick. But yeah, she would be blown away. So yeah, she was one of my first jokes. And then my grandma, then it goes back to they would fight over which grandma that joke was about.

Oh, really? Yeah, so it was funny because my dad's mom would be like, that's about me. And I would fucking hit her just right in the labia. Yeah. No, but grandmas are great. I miss both of them very much. Yeah. And then then that's how I got involved with the movie Grandma's Boy. So Adam Sandler was sitting in his bed

with his wife watching Comedy Central and that special came on with my grandma jokes. And he wrote my name down. He thought it was really funny. Cause he likes family jokes. This is how he discovered you then? This is how he, yeah. This is like pull on.

Not just that bit hit you. Yeah, that's what just me as me. And I wrote my name down. I went to the office and called me in, it was so weird. And then he's like, I have a script called Grandma's Boy. He goes, I love your grandma jokes. And we have the script. And he goes, I know you're a writer.

I'd written the original script of Malibu's Most Wanted. So he was handing me Grandma's Boy and then the rest is history in that world. That's awesome. Yeah, my dad did a really cool thing too where he visited me in LA and I was sleeping on Barry Katz's couch. Remember Barry Katz?

Of course. He's still around. He's not dead. You sign up for something, you forget about it after the trial period ends, and then you're charged month after month after month. The subscriptions are there, but you're not using them. In fact, I just learned that 85% of people have at least one paid subscription going unused each month.

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Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash honeydew today. That's rocketmoney.com slash honeydew rocketmoney.com slash honeydew, rocketmoney.com slash honeydew. Now let's get back to the do. Hi Barry. Hi Barry. Hi Barry.

Let's go. That's a great, that's a great. So I'm sleeping on Barry's couch at this apartment complex in Venice Beach. My dad comes and visits and he just, my dad was really weird. So he decided he wanted to sleep on the roof. So there was like a-

Of the building? Yeah, so there was like, it's only a four story building. And there was like a hammock or whatever. So my dad's sleeping and then there was a big, every Sunday in Venice, there'd be a big gang war and all these gangs would come out. It was fucking wild. All these gangs and there would be like altercations

and all this stuff. And my dad was like, what's going on there? And I got Sundays in Venice. So I'm like, it gets pretty wild, dude. And he goes, I wanna look into it. And I'm like, I wouldn't, eh. And he's like, no. And so he did.

This fucking older white guy from Minnesota, St. Paul, Minnesota, walks in the middle of this whole thing starts talking to guys. My dad was cool as shit, man. And he was just talking and getting different perspectives and he wrote a whole article on it and the LA Weekly put it on the cover. No shit.

They gave it to the LA Weekly and they made it a cover story. And he wasn't even right now. No. That's awesome. Yeah, he just was so like- You had that saved somewhere? Yeah, totally.

Good. And yeah, that's just like how cool and open-minded he was. And he was cool to me in the sense of, he taught me how to listen. He was like, he goes, you don't learn anything talking over people. He's like, any situation you're in, just listen. And I always did that.

And it was, you know, I learned so much more just, you know, people think a comedian's gonna be the center of attention. I don't wanna be the fucking center of attention. If I'm around my friends, it can be weird, you know? But you know, people think a comedian is going to be the center of attention. I don't want to be the fucking center of attention. If I'm around my friends, it can be weird, you know, but, you know, I get flack for that. I don't know if you do too. Comedians like it sucks when you're in a situation socially and you're quiet and

people are like, Oh, I thought you were funny. I'm the same way. I'm a quiet observer. And then I take that into whatever I want to do. Right. Yeah. I can't also like, and I don't mean any disrespect rest in peace, Robin Williams, And then I take that into whatever I want to do. Right. Yeah. I can't also like, and I don't mean any disrespect, rest in peace, Robin Williams, but if I had

someone with energy like that on all the time, I would, I couldn't stand it. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like- But he wasn't, I met him briefly and that dude was shy as fuck. Yeah? Yeah. I met him at the improv and he was just kind of to himself.

Okay, so he wasn't always on. I mean, I imagine if maybe NUYA he was. Yeah, I mean, but that level of energy, you can't keep that up. What's a great example then, you would think that guy. Yeah, I was like, hey man. Robin Williams was a bore. He said two words the whole night. Yeah, what a bore. I'm the same way.

No, he was just chill. I just went, hey, what's up, man? And he just goes, hey, what's up, man? Like he was just, and I was like, all right, cool. And then I grabbed him and I was like, no, I'm kidding. No, he was cool. The guy who was on that I met briefly, well, there's two stories of Chris Farley.

The one time I met him was at the Aspen Comedy Festival and it was like 10 degrees out. Is he on SNL at this time? No, he was at the Aspen Comedy Festival for an SNL reunion. Okay. And I remember walking home, walking back to my hotel room after a show

and it was about midnight, Aspen, Colorado, February, fucking 10 degrees, that's being generous that it was that midnight, Aspen, Colorado, February, fucking 10 degrees. That's being generous that it was that warm. It was cold as shit. And I just hear roaring and I see Farley doing cartwheels down the middle of the street shirtless with an entourage around him, chain smoking and Aspen's seven, 8,000 feet altitude.

This dude's 450 pounds doing cartwheels shirtless with a cigarette. I was like, whoa. And then that same festival, I met him at a party and I see him in the corner. It was same thing, like kind of like Robin, where he was just kind of like to himself all alone. And I was, no, but I didn't know anybody. And I just walk over and I go, hey man, my brother went to Madison with you.

I'm a Midwest kid, I'm a comic. I just wanna say hi. And he was like, cool man, cool. And he was like, and then just left. So I was like, oh, but he was, you know, it was really wild. It was like, so, two real extremes, you know? But you know, again, those guys at the end of the day

are human beings, you know? It's like, you know, and that's kind of the downfall I feel of those guys is that the expectation of you to be on all of them. At 100 also too. Not just a normal, not even a conversation. Not just having a couple zappers. You gotta be on. You gotta be full on.

So tell me about your grandmom you were closest to. You said they're both gone now. She killed my dad. That's why I'm here. She murdered my family. Um, this is all of a sudden it just turns weird. Um, mom's mom, what about her? This is the one you were closest with? Grandma? Yeah, she was great. And then you said they're both gone. Well, my dad's, they're both gone. My dad's mom, I've mentioned this on stage a couple times. My dad's mom went and saw grandma's boy in the theater.

Oh yeah? So her nurse brought her in her wheelchair, such a good story. No. And my, I heard about, my mom goes, we have a situation, and I go, what do you mean? She goes, grandma went to go see grandma's boy in the theater. And I was like, who fucking told her to do that?

Like, how'd she even hear about it? She goes, she saw it in the newspaper. There was an ad and it said, you know, co-written by Nick Swartson. So my grandma's like, oh, Nicholas wrote a movie about me. Like she thought it was gonna be a sweet story. So my nurse took her in her wheelchair and my grandma walked out of the movie.

Walked out. Walked out of the movie. Rolled in and walked. Yeah, so I've told this story. And yeah, pretty, pretty great. And then she wrote me a three page letter. A three page letter saying I was going to hell. So I've got that for me.

That is fucking great bro. So. You know how long she made it before she was like fuck this. Yeah, I asked the nurse, I called the nurse and I go, at what point did she realize? And it was when the guy started jerking off to the doll. Yeah.

Your grandma was like, I'm done. My grandma went, this is a broken movie about me. She said that. Yeah. She's like, oh no, that's not. I like that one, Rob Schneider threw the bomb or anything. That was so good. Yeah, it's a true story. But wrote me a three page letter saying I'm going to hell.

Like a detailed thing. That's a long ass letter. And then I showed my dad and my mom and they got mad at her and yelled at her and then she wrote another one apologizing. Oh, that's too good, dude. Yeah, it's real, dude. That's too good.

How did she pass away? Um She fucking put a dollar She jerked off for the doll. She's like fuck it. This is what he thinks of me. I'm going out in a fucking blazer Oh god, dude No, she just died Yeah, she was old and died your mom's mom also like lived to be an old age or? Yeah, they both lived really old. Both grandfathers are dead.

What was it about your mom's mom that made you, cause we had the same thing. There was grandma, which is my mom's mom, but then there was grandma. That was my dad's mom. That was really grandma. It was grandma and grandma DeVito. You know what I mean?

There was grandma like that. So what was it about her? My dad's mom was out of town. I mean, she lived in Arkansas. Oh, she didn't live there, okay. No, so she- But your mom's mom was close? She was close by.

I see. So yeah, my mom's mom was really sweet. She was cool. So I remember one of my favorite moments of her is at my sister's wedding. And I went through a white Russian phase where I was drinking white Russians. Like I love Big Lebowski and I was so into white Russians.

And so I- Were you cream or milk? I was malleable. I could go either way. Oh, you didn't care, okay. Yeah. Just a splash of some white. The vodka was really important.

Yeah, I figured. But yeah, cream or milk. But so I was making a White Russian at the condo at the wedding or whatever after the wedding. And I made it really stiff, you know, and I'm drinking it. And my grandma goes, what is that? And I go, it's White Russian. And she goes, oh, let me have a sip.

I love those. And she took a sip. She goes like, oh, that's good. She goes, can you make me one? And I go, yeah. And she took a sip. She was like, Oh, that's good. She was, can you make me one? And I go, yeah. And so I made her one that was really light. You know, it was like that much vodka and like the rest, you know, whatever clue.

And so I gave it to her and she takes a sip. She goes, what is this? And I go, it's a white Russian. She goes, no, no, make it like yours. And I was like, oh yeah. And I felt like such a fucking idiot. It's like, yeah, she's went through World War II. My grandfather got his leg shot off over Nazi Germany

and fucking came home with one leg and a purple heart. Is that right? Yeah. And I'm sitting here diluting her fucking drink like a pussy asshole. God, fuck me. Oh, lady, fuck your d*** place. I hope I get a d*** place.

Yeah, that was amazing. She just had the look on her face. I'll never forget. What is this? No. No. You have more stories up here on a list that I'm looking at over your shoulder. I'm just gonna pick this one here. Let's hear about this travel lodge story. Let's shift gears and go to that.

Oh yeah, so doing the road. Doing the road is just funny. This is a side story because it just happened. But I'm promoting this tour and I don't have a podcast. I don't have- Why don't you? I just, I like doing these, you know what I'm promoting this tour. I don't have a podcast. I don't have, you know. Why don't you? I just, I like doing these, you know what I mean? Fair enough.

But like, you know, I don't have a lot of Netflix specials or anything. So it's like, I just, all my stuff is on Instagram. So I'm just like promoting my, it's real Nick Swartson. And I just, you know, promoting my dates. I'm not on Facebook. I'm not fucking anything. So, you know, I got a show in Boston.

I've done Boston forever. Like I've done, it's one of my favorite comedy towns. It's one of the best comedy towns. So I'm going like Boston, you know, whatever the date was in November. And then people were like, my friends from Boston were like, no, you're in Medford. And I go, oh yeah, but it's Boston.

And they were like, yeah, but it's like right outside. And I go, well, how far? And they're like, like 10 minutes. And I go, okay, but it's Boston. Like that'll catch people's attention. So then I get to Boston early and I'm hanging out with my friends and then like locals are coming up to me

and they're like, hey, Swarton. Yeah, you know, you're in Medford, you know. And I go, oh yeah, I know, it's exciting. They're like, yeah, I saw in your Grammy set Boston. And I go, yeah. I'm like, yeah, but you're in Medford. And I go, yeah, but they're like, no, you're in Medford. I'm asking my Boston friends, they're like, yeah,

I mean, technically you're in Medford. I'm like, yeah, but I mean, it's fucking right there. And they're like, yeah, but people like won't even, they won't, like sometimes they won't drive that far. 10 minutes. Yeah, and I'm like, fucking really? And then I went like, went back on my social media. But there were a handful of places like that

where I would just put it under the umbrella where it was like kind of close. Yeah, the major city. Like Live Nation would give me the dates and they were like, here's Boston. Like Pittsburgh, I did Munhall. Like that's where they, technically it was, but they were kind of cool about it. They were like, yeah, it's Pittsburgh, I did Munhall. Like that's where they, technically it was, but they were kind of cool about it.

They were like, yeah, it's Pittsburgh, whatever. But- It's the Boston suburbs. Yeah, but like, you know, it was just so Boston. It was just like, yeah, but it's fucking Medford, pal. You fucking come here and you fucking throw that shit at us. We'll fuck you up, man. Where's your mother live?

Where's your mother live? Where's your mother live? I was laughing with my friend, Bob Marley. Yeah, I remember Bob. So funny. Bob lives in New England with his family. Great comic, but he's local. And I was telling him the story, and he was laughing so hard. He was like, I am.

But yeah, like my Chicago play, I couldn't get the Chicago theater, one of my favorites. And I did a casino right over the border in Gary, Indiana. And it was right over the border. And I kept promoting it as Chicago and people are like, bro, it's not. And I'm like, yeah, but it's like 15, 20 minutes maybe without traffic.

And it's, they're like, yeah, no. Like, fuck. So I'm doing the Chicago improv, which again is Schomburg, but that's the data I picked up. So. Schomburg. And I'll probably get shit for that

if I promote her to Chicago. You will, you will. I know. Tell me about Travelodge. I can fucking do your best. Fuck. It's not easy, man. Damn it.

Travelodge. So I would go to Vegas every year, me and my friend Matt, and that was our thing, we loved fireworks. I love fireworks. And so we liked serious fireworks. So we would drive to Vegas right before the 4th of July, and we would buy crazy fireworks in Pahrump, Nevada. And they have like a fucking Walmart of fireworks.

It was a store that was so massive. It was like Narnia for me. And it was buy one, get one free. So if you spent a hundred bucks, you would get another hundred bucks free in fireworks. And these are like the shit you're seeing at the shows. And this is like serious mortars and shit like that. So I, me and my buddy would,

I would spend a thousand dollars and we would get another thousand for free. Geez. So we would drive to Vegas, buy our fireworks, party our tits off, and then go back to LA. So one time we're driving there and I go, dude, why are we even? Because I got rooms for us at the Bellagio. And I go, dude, why are we doing this? Why don't we just, we're never in the room.

No one's in the room in Vegas. You need a place to pass out. And I go, why am I spending fucking 900 bucks a night? The Bellagio, the travel is like 50, 60 bucks. And he's like, good idea. I'm like, we'll just share a room

and then fucking go out and get to do our thing. So we drive from L.A., which is not that far. It's like it was like a five hour drive and check into the travel. Lodge, I lay down. I'm like, I'm like,

I'm just gonna like lay down for a minute, I was tired. My buddy goes in the bathroom, walks right out. And he goes, just grab your shit, man. And I go, what do you mean? And he goes, just no more questions, just grab your shit, let's go. And I go, what are you, so we just drove here, dude. Like, what are you talking about?

He goes, okay, go into the bathroom. And I go, what? Fine, and I go in the bathroom. And I go, what? Fine, and I go in the bathroom. There's diarrhea all over the wall. All over the wall. Like somebody just took a fucking water balloon of shit and just, eh, won a Cy Young Award against the wall. I mean, good Lord.

Fuck. And you know, my buddy walked in and out, so it wasn't my friend, it was right there. I mean, good Lord. Oh fuck. And you know, my buddy walked in and out, so it wasn't my friend, it was right there. So yeah, and I was like, oh my God. And we got in the car, went to the Bellagio. I got a room that was like 1200 bucks. Happily, 1200.

I was like, oh yeah, okay, this is why. I thought I was beating the system. No, the system shit all over me. Literally. The system's like, oh, the system shit all over me. Systems like, oh, I see what you're doing. See what you're doing, bro. Watch this shit. Tell me about Planet Hollywood.

Planet Hollywood was my last job. And I always stand by this. If I ever didn't do comedy, and there was a moment where I wanted to retire legitimately, I was just kind of exhausted. And I also, you know, it's hard to like, it's people who come to comedy shows, thank you, by the way, for being fans of me and Ryan and other comedians and stuff like that.

But it's hard once you set a bar of like, when you get a new hour, you need a new hour and you want it to be good. And it's just like, it's, you know, a lot of pressure. So there was a moment where I flirted with not doing comedy anymore. And I was gonna go back to like, in the service industry. Cause I loved, I loved being in the service industry.

I loved being, I worked at Planet Hollywood. It was one of my favorite, it was my favorite job outside of comedy. Was this in Minnesota? It was at the Mall of America. Oh yeah? Yeah, there's a place for fun in your life. I was just there, I did a-

Mall of America. I stayed there, because I did a small theater in Minneapolis. I did- The Varsity? I did the Magic Bag in Detroit, and I flew right to Minneapolis and did... The Pantages?

No, I'm going to have to look it up. I can't remember now. The Parkway? Yeah. Maybe that Parkway Theater? I got to look it up. I don't know. It was like a little 400 seat theater.

Yeah. And it was, you know, it was funny. I still did very well. Almost sold out. Would have sold out, but they told me it was opening day deer season and they take that shit See like I had so many fans be like love you, bro, but right it's opening day rifle season, man It was a big deal, yeah So tell me about plan. Oh, let's talk about jobs. Oh yeah, so yeah, I worked at Planet Hollywood.

So I would go back to the service industry because I just had so much fun. I'm still friends with a lot of the servers and staff there from back in those days. And you know, it's almost like you're doing, you're a standup, you know what I mean? The personalities at Planet Hollywood, some of the funniest people I've ever met

were servers at Planet Hollywood. So anyway, I was a busboy there and I loved it. And then this is one story, but when I started Stand Up, I was like, I didn't go to college, obviously, like I said, I didn't have any money or anything. So I was like, I'll try Stand Up. And I sat at the Acme Comedy lobby at the comedy company and I was gonna do the open mic and I got three minutes and I had a

little journal and I wrote down I'm about to do stand up and someday maybe I'll be on the wall at Planet Hollywood and then cut to my movie Bucky Larson came out where I was the star and then the Planet Hollywood in Times Square New York immortalized my hands and my signature and my picture and everything so that was really cool. That was a full circle kind of thing where I like as a throwaway, I just wrote, yeah, maybe someday I'll be on the wall. You just gave me a flashback. First of all, that's awesome.

And second of all, I want to actually thank you because one of the highlights of my career, and I've been lucky to have a few, was a table read for Bucky Larson. Yeah, that's right. I was part of your table read. Yeah, that's right. And at the table read, Bucky Larson. Yeah, that's right. I was part of your table read. Yeah, that's right. And at the table read, it was Kurt Russell. Yeah. It was, was Leguizamo there?

John Leguizamo, I feel like he was at least at the table. I don't think John was there. Or Totoro. It was Totoro, Nick Totoro. Nick Totoro was there. But there was somebody else that was a legend that was there too, that didn't end up being in it either. And I was just like, Jesus Christ. And it was so much fucking fun. Yeah,

it was a blast. To watch these people like Kurt Russell pissing himself at this stuff. Yeah. But also, inspiring to see a guy like Kurt Russell, who doesn't need to be. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's Kurt fucking Russell. You got the part. You don't need to be. I mean, he's still there for something he hasn't ended up getting or doing anyway. Whatever the conflict was. Who ended up becoming him?

Don Johnson. That was Don Johnson. Who was phenomenal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was incredible. But yeah, no, I remember that. Yeah, that was great. That was so much fun.

Table reads are so weird too, because you're essentially- But that was the most comfortable, because yeah, you've got all the people sitting around. Everyone, yeah. It was Sandler's idea, that would be. Incredible, incredible. Yeah, it's a lot of pressure, though, table rates. So jobs before, you said you got fired from all of them. Were you just fucking around, or you just?

I just didn't take anything seriously. So Planet Hollywood, you had a three-strike system. But you liked this job, you did like that. I loved it. Okay. And then there was a comedy club in the Mall of America. So like when I started, when I was working.

How's the comedy? Yeah, no. Oh, it was this one? It was called Knuckleheads. Okay. Back in the day. This is 1995. Same upstairs.

Same upstairs, but not the same venue. But so I would do Planet Hollywood and then I would go at night or after my shift and I would do the open mic at Knuckleheads. Oh, that's how you got started? Yeah. Okay. So I did started Acme and then I would go at night or after my shift and I would do the open mic at Knucklehead. Oh, that's how you got started? Yeah. Okay. So I did started ACME and then I would, Knucklehead was the first one to actually hire me as an MC.

But yeah, so Planet Hollywood and then I got fired. So they would have a three strike system. So if you fucked up, you know, if your uniform was wrong, if this, you know, what, three strikes and you're out, obviously. And there was a point where one of the head waiters was talking to the GM and he's like, Hey, what the fuck?

And the GM's like, what? And he goes, look at Swartzen, look at his uniform, it's filthy, look at his shoes. He looks like a homeless person. And he goes, how many fucking strikes does this dude get? And he goes, he's like on like 10. And I think somebody goes, no, it's like 12. And the GM goes, yeah, but Nick's fucking hilarious.

And he's like, whatever. He's like all fucking pissed off. But like I should have been, and then finally they had to like, let me, they were like, Jesus Christ. We just can't keep doing it for you. Yeah, I took the fucking night rider car off the wall and drove it through the restaurant killed. I killed like 200 people Did you ever put shit on from the fucking wall.

Did you ever put shit on? Did you ever get stuff that was coming in yet? Before they put it up though, you see it coming in or anything, like, oh, that's Gene Simmons' fucking bat wings, you know, flying around. Gene Simmons, Gene Simmons' Batman audition went horribly wrong. What was your first job?

I was fucking horrible at every job. My first job was a paper route. Bicycle? Yeah. And then I just was like lazy and my dad would drive me and I'd like run, jump out of the car, so lame. But yeah, I was bad. I'd throw the paper all over the place

and like houses would trap squirrels and raccoons and animals to keep them away and I would let them out and shit. Oh, you would? Yeah. You'd run around and let them out. Yeah, totally. I was fired.

I was fired all the time. That's hilarious. Yeah, I was like a little Robin Hood, just saving all the poor animals. Yeah. What was it about that you liked about the saving all the poor animals. Yeah, I was. What was it about that you liked about the service industry? You think if you weren't a comedian, you'd have stayed in something like that?

I would say if I wasn't a comedian, yeah. Or be a teacher. Really? Yeah, because like you got an audience, not a tard teacher. I see what you mean. Where like, I'm not gonna teach fucking calculus or some shit.

Like third grade's pretty solid. I think I could handle that. Look like a genius. You would be a great elementary school teacher. You really would. It'd be fun as shit, man. That would be cool. But I almost quit, I remember, how was this, it was pre-COVID

and my buddy Alan is a bar owner in LA and he owned a bar in Hawaii, on Maui. And he was like, Alan is a bar owner in LA and he owned a bar in Hawaii on Maui. And he was like, I opened a bar and I got a house, sick house. You know, I know you come to Hawaii a lot. You know, if you ever are there, you can crash with me. And I go, can I work at the bar? And he goes, what do you mean? And I, this is what, around when I turned 40, I'm 48 right now.

And he goes, what do you mean? I go, can you get me a job as a bartender? I go, I would love to do that. That sounds like a blast. And he goes, yeah, sure. And I go, OK, cool. So I called my fucking agent and my manager. And I go, hey, I think I'm done.

And he goes, what do you mean? And I go, well, I mean, I did it. You know, I had my own TV show. I was on hit TV shows. I've done movies. I've done everything. I've got platinum albums. I mean, fucking great. It you know, I had my own TV show. I was on hit TV shows, I've done movies. I've done everything. I've done platinum albums. I mean, fucking great.

It's great, what a fun ride. And I go, I'm out. I'm gonna go be a bartender in Maui. And my manager goes, no, no, no. That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. And I go, what do you mean? It sounds amazing. He goes, yeah, when you're 60 or 60,

but you retire and be a bartender, you're fucking 40. And I think I told Sandler that, and Sandler was like, no. Everyone's like, what are you talking about? And other comedians were like, what? But whatever, so long straight to when I call my buddy back. And I was like, yeah, it turns out, yeah, I can. And he was like, yeah, even I was like,

that'd be really cool to have Nick Swartz and be my bartender. That would be great press. But he's like, yeah, I don't want you to quit just as a fan. He's like, so that was funny. That was my the closest I came to stepping away from business. But um, yeah, I mean, I would love to be a bartender. You think you will do that when you get older. I think it'd be great. I would love to open up my own bar, like a really good, you think you could Sam Malone it and be totally narrow while you're in there though. I mean, he was, he remember he was always drinking what seltzer water,

soda water. He's a recovering alcoholic. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Yeah, totally. Yeah. I mean, I don't like, I haven't drank right now. I mean, it'll be four months. I haven't had a drink in four months. Yeah, that's fucking great. I quit smoking cigarettes well over a year ago. All I do now is smoke weed. Like I'm not trying to, I don't say it like I'm better than anybody else. I haven't drank in two years. I haven't had a drop alcohol in January. First will be two years. And I've smoked a small forest, but I don't miss the after effects

of what drinking would do to me. You know, the hangovers are just, especially as you get older, you can't bounce back from that shit like you did in your 20s. It'll fuck you up for a couple days. I'd be slow for a minute. Like I could really feel it.

Yeah, and mentally it's just, you're just off. And at like, right now, like this tour has been amazing. I've got my special that I released over the summer is called Make Joke From Face on YouTube. So that's on YouTube and it's also on Amazon. And then this is a whole new hour, Toilet Head, Nick Schwartz and.NET. I've got the Midwest coming up

and then East Coast, DC and New York. Is addiction something that like runs in your family? Talk about being a genetic brain aneurysm, but I know that people have the gene for that. Is that something your parents or grandparents? Yeah, both my grandfathers were big drinkers. Oh, grand dads were? Yeah, but like I have a weird thing where-

But your mom and dad weren't in the house or anything like that? No. No. They were never- Smokers? Were they smokers? My dad was. In the house? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he't in the house or anything like that. No. They were never. Smokers, were they smokers? My dad was. Yeah, in the house? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, he smoked in the house and in the car. But you know, it's like being older, it's like growing up in the seventies and eighties, there was no fucking rules. I'm gonna give a shit. Like when I look on Instagram and like kids getting hurt, like that's an account on Instagram.

Oh, it is. Kids getting hurt. That was just constant when I was growing up. Yes. It was like all the time constant when I was growing up. Yes. It was like all the time. Yes. And then comments, the same thing with like animals and like, you know, cats do something fucking weird

and they're filmed, you know, jumping, trying to jump across and like eat shit. And people are like, oh my God, this is not funny. And it's like, they're animals and kids, you know what I mean? I mean, sometimes it's like, you know, why are you filming this when they're clearly about to get hurt but sometimes it's just like that's what happens and that's like what growing up was like holy fuck um I don't know how we got to that from oh yeah my dad's smoking but no like me with drinking

is I just really loved it you know what I mean? I just had a blast. I mean, people can attest to that that it met me on the road. I mean, I just, I really like love drinking. Do you know how many people I know that would come up to me and be like, this is years ago, back when you were drinking, be like, I was in Barney's Beanery this weekend, but you see Nick Sortson, like, yes,

I was about to tell you, like, that was his spot forever. I drank there forever. I drank there all the time. Drank there all the time. Day drinking, all the time. You were always there for football. Always there for football. Was that your spot to go watch the Vikings? Yeah, because they have multiple TVs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And you lived close, were you walking distance? Yeah, I was like two blocks away from living there. And then, but they had the package, you could watch any game. Dude, you could, the guys would come in from like France and be like, do you have the Belgium game?

And they'd be like, oh yeah. And they put it on a TV. Like they had everything. It was great. I mean, it's still there. But yeah, I just, I really like drinking was just so fun. It was great, man. I mean, I like going on a good bender

cause I would never do drugs. I never, I mean, I've done drugs, but I wasn't one of those people that would get in fights or get weird or- Arrested. Yeah. Or like- Drinking, driving and- Yeah, no, like all that stuff's terrible. I would just drink and like have fun.

What- Man, I can like hang out at bars. That's the weird thing, I think that was my point. It's like, I still hang out at bars all the time. Like I can hang out at bars and all night for, I can hang out at bars all night for, you know, not drink at all, not even think about, not even want to. Like, and that's weird. That's a really rare thing for drinkers because, you know,

there's people that I've met that like can't even, they can't even walk past a bar or see a beer bottle or an empty glass of wine without getting like panicky. I've talked to, I mean, I'm lucky. I'm a guy that could drink half a beer bottle or an empty glass of wine without getting like panicky. I've talked to, I mean, I'm lucky. I'm a guy that could drink half a beer or walk away from it. I've had plenty of people on this show that say, no, if I start drinking, I will drink 20 of them. It's not a two, three thing for me because I can't, I have a problem and I'm going as

far as I can go. I get that. I totally get that. I mean, I've been there where it's like, if I'm going to drink, I'm going as far as I can go I get that I totally get that I mean I've been there where it's like if I'm gonna drink I'm gonna drink you know what I mean I want to wrap this up because we got to get you out of here, okay? But we didn't get to talk about what I do wrong I want to talk about what they did for you at plan of Hollywood. We didn't talk about the full circle What do you mean?

Didn't you get your hands? Yeah, I thought I mentioned that. Did you? Yeah, Bucky Larson. When I did Bucky Larson in New York. I don't think we, I think I interrupted you and told you about my moment. That's on you. I'm out.

No ending. I'm out of your table read. So wait, even if you did, say it again. Okay, we'll go back in the end. I think I interrupted you. So I was at Acme Comedy Company, my home club in the lobby, and I wrote, someday, hopefully I'll be on the wall of Planet Hollywood. Then when Bucky Larson came out, it was my starring movie with Sony that me and Sandler wrote, and then Planet Hollywood in Times Square in New York, immortalized my hands in cement and my signature and my picture on the wall.

Yeah, I think I stole your thunder, I'm sorry. That's fine. That's fucking great though. I think we can all forget that. Is it still there? I don't think planet Hollywood still exists. I think that's why they did it. They're like, this shit's about to get turned down.

We know we're gonna die, bro. Let's immortalize, what, you, Rob Schneider's kindergarten teacher? They did it. They're like, this shit's about to get turned down. We know we're going to die, Kro. What, you Rob Schneider's kindergarten teacher? Yeah, we'll put your hands on the fucking cement. Carrot Top's mailman? Yeah, go for it. Sign the wall. This was great, dude. I love you. Thank you so much.

I love you. Thank you very much. Right there again, promote your special, your Instagram, your tour. Real Nick Swanson. Real Nick Swanson at Instagram. NickSwanson.net for tour dates. Make joke from face on YouTube now. But whole new hour, ToiletHud coming soon.

Thank you, brother. Thank you. As always, Ryan Sickler on all your social media, RyanSickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week.