The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Sean Patton - PattonDew

Episode Date: May 1, 2023

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Sean Patton! (Number One) Sean Highlights the Lowlights of OCD, witnessing his cousin get brutally beaten, and an ex-girlfriend's car accident. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] CATCH ME ON TOUR https://www.ryansickler.com/tour May 26 & 27: Fort Wayne, IN June 23 & 24: Tacoma, WA July 7 & 8: Appleton, WI SUBSCRIBE to The HoneyDew Clips Channel http://bit.ly/ryansicklerclips SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 SPONSORS: Dad Grass -Go to https://www.DadGrass.com/HONEYDEW for 20% off your first order

I don't get scared. I get startled. Big difference between those two words. You ask anybody here who's ever been in a fight, turn around, look for their friends. Scared, they're gone. They ran. Startled, if I'm with you, I'll just be like,

what the fuck's happened? Oh, shit, okay, okay, you want some? Okay. Just need to get my bearings about me, and I'm uppercuts and elbows all the way down. Startled, not scared. The Honeydew with ryan sickler welcome back to the honeydew y'all We are over here doing it in the Nightpan Studios. I am Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com.

Ryan Sickler on all your social media. Thank you guys for the support on the special. Please, if you haven't watched it, go watch it. It's free. It's up on my YouTube. It's a labor of love. I directed it. I produced it.

I worked on the post with it. My great friend Sam Volland, we had a great team of people. We scrounged together, and everybody killed it. So go watch it. It's called Lefty's Son. It's free. It's right there on the YouTube. And while you're there, subscribe to the YouTube.

It's a free way to help the channel, the show, all that stuff. Doesn't cost you a dime. Means nothing to you and everything to us. And if you've got to have more, then you got to subscribe to the honeydew with y'all. It's my Patreon show. It's only five bucks. There's no tiers, no levels. And it's the same thing. I highlight the lowlights with y'all. And as I've said, y'all got the wildest fucking stories I've ever heard. Again, we've talked to people who've died. We've talked to a girl who had two pussies. We talked to a woman who had three assholes.

We talked to a double lung transplant who married his donor's girlfriend, and they're having a kid. We talked to all kinds of people. It's five bucks a month. You subscribe for a year. You get over a month free, and you get the honeydew a day early. You get it ad free at no additional cost. All right.

Now, I'm slowly getting back out there, but it's the time of month here. You get the honeydew a day early. You get it ad-free at no additional cost. All right? Now, I'm slowly getting back out there, but it's the time of month here. May, Fort Wayne, Indiana, starting to tour off. Ryan Sickler, live and alive. May 26th and 27th in Fort Wayne. June 23rd and 24th in Tacoma, Washington. July 7th and 8th in Appleton, Wisconsin. July 21st and 22nd in Tulsa, Oklahoma. All right, there it is.

That's the biz. Now, you guys know what we're doing over here. We're highlighting the lowlights. These are the stories behind the storytellers today. Very excited to have this guest on here. First time on the Honeydew, ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome Sean Patton. Welcome to the Honeydew, Sean Patton.

I did it. Coming in confident. Honeydew. Coming in confident. Honeydew. Coming in strong. Wait, I got to say, you said you've talked to people who died. Yeah. Which I now- Several of them. Put together means died and they came back.

Right. Like heart stopped or- Yeah. At a moment where I was like, is he doing fucking seances? That's a $7 tier. That's a $7 tier. that you got. That's a $7 tier.

That's a $7 tier. If you got a relative you want to try and get in touch with, I will honey-do-that-ass back to life. $8 a month on the tier two plan. We'll see if we can't

talk to your mom or dad. The speak to the dead tier. I'm going to start that. I do not think you should not. That's a great tier to have. I think we could get them. I think we could just do Ouija board shit here.

I mean, dude, there's got to be a seance podcast, right? There's no way that doesn't exist. If it doesn't, you better jump on that shit. Just call in and just – The Ouija podcast and just call in? I mean, dude. You ever do it? You ever use it?

Wait. Ouija board, yes. Yeah, okay. We're going to talk about that in one second. But before we get too far away, please plug and promote everything up top. We're coming right back to Ouija board yes yeah okay we're gonna talk about that one second but before we get too far away I want please plug and promote everything up top we're coming right back to Ouija board okay so uh currently I'm on the road with David Cross for a long time into the summer and then again in the fall um you know David Cross uh just just google David Cross tour go watch his episode here and check out his website but I I'm also, when I'm not with him, I'm also touring on my own.

Go to my website, me, SeanPatton.com. Dates are constantly posted. I'm all over the place. And then my special on Peacock. I had to do that little, I had a peacock for a moment. I have a special. Oh, actually, okay. So I did an album for Helium Records that I filmed and cut together that is a that is technically a

special it's on youtube it's called uh king scorpio you can also get the album version of that that's up on youtube now if you want to see me for free but go to peacock that's a special i dropped in december of last year that i love that is i love the other one but this one's like a high you know there was some money behind it michael che produced it eric abrams directed it oh man yeah eric abrams is the shout out to eric shout out great fucking director for specials uh we shot at tippetina's in new orleans my hometown uh you know it was it's a great special it's on peacock right now watch it i love it and go subscribe to sean's youtube channel which is the comedian yeah i'm building i'm building yeah but it's good to be Watch it. I love it. And go subscribe to Sean's YouTube channel. Build that channel up.

Yeah, I'm building. I'm building. Yeah. But it's good to be here with you at the Dew. Yeah, thank you, man. I haven't seen you since. We bumped into each other. It was my second weekend of the tour, too, in Indianapolis.

Indianapolis. Yeah. Dude, I got. Great time in Indianapolis. I got, like, what happened. Also, that was the last time I smoked weed. Yeah. Is that what happened?

The weed did it? That was the last time. We were in that little alleyway out there. Yeah. I don't know if we should. I mean, I don't know if we should say who we were with. Yeah. There's no one negative.

No, it wasn't negative. I just don't. It was my friend Libby Yell from high school. And Raylan Nelson. Raylanelson was there daughter of granddaughter she lives off of smoking granddaughter of willie nelson yeah it's a moment where you're just like we should say yeah we should actually this is actually what she wants yeah yeah she but she was the one who was like kim yell and my friend uh austin their

husband yeah that little crew right man that we was coming around well that was the thing too she raylan's already super fucking cool and i'm like yeah i would love to smoke weed with just Yeah, that little crew. Right. Man, that weed was coming around. Well, that was the thing, too. Raylan's already super fucking cool. And I'm like, yeah, I would love to smoke weed with just you if your name was Raylan Jefferson or just somebody. But then you're like, oh, but you're also Willie Nelson's blood. I have to smoke weed. This is the closest anybody in the Patton family will get to the actual Willie Nelson himself. But she's also super fucking cool.

Yeah, she's the shit. And I did her podcast as fun as well. I can't remember what it's called. Yeah, one degree away. But she's also super fucking cool. Yeah, she's the shit. And I did – her podcast is fun as well. I can't remember what it's called. Oh, you did it, yeah. Yeah, but that's how fun it is. You just – I always forget the good ones. Yeah, they have a great podcast. I feel like that's life, though. You forget the good times and focus on the shit ones too much.

Well, watch this transition. You know what I'm not going to forget? Ouija boards. Oh! All right, so take me back like we were like almost like the conversation was over here naturally guided itself back over there yeah yeah yeah man fucking we i mean like yeah we're experienced with them no no no but i'm like you know we did you did i had two that were fucking mind-blowing. Were they actually guided by a spirit, though?

One was guided by maybe a spirit and stupidity, which will make sense in the end. The other one is wildly questionable. So the first one, which is more of the funnier one, was back – I was in ninth grade, and my friend's sister was in tenth grade. Their parents go away to Greece for like a week. So it's party fucking central, and we're hanging – actually, sister was in 10th grade their parents go away to greece for like a week so it's party fucking central and we're hanging actually they were in 11th grade so we're little ninth graders hanging out with these juniors at this house party and they decide they want to do a ouija board so all the lights are out those fucking weeds being smoked i'm you know and then i don't even smoke and it's just got vibe. And they're doing it on a homemade one.

What? Not even the Parker Brothers one. What? The homemade one, which apparently is worse. So they start doing this shit. This is in the 80s, late 80s. Okay. This board is made of dried flesh.

It was a wood board they made and shit. So they start doing it. And they start coming up with this whole guy named edgar who was from the area and who had murdered these people whatever so we're calling bullshit on it bullshit on a bullshit we and this is how old it is we drive it's a mile away to the fucking library and we go research this area and motherfucking edgar was real yeah it was real as shit it got scary so the whole weekend, we're like, what the fuck? And we're doing all this stuff.

We're going to the library, and it's matching up. It's matching up. So finally, the third night of this, a friend of mine puts a pizza in the oven, and we kill the lights, and we're all sitting down. And they say, Edgar, show yourself. This is after like 15 minutes. And I swear to fucking God god the goddamn oven door pops open fire shoots out of the fucking thing oh my god what and we go over and here's where the stupidity part comes in okay this motherfucker took left the cardboard you know under the pizza oh yeah

and it caught on fucking fire and it shot fucking out like that but right when we said show sign, I was like, I can't count that because you left the cardboard on there. That's what caught on fire. That wasn't just fire fucking shooting out of there. I tell you what. It scared the fuck out of us, though. But then my friend's dad comes home and sees us playing with it. And he goes off about how that's where – and he breaks it over his fucking knee, throws it in the trash, and they get it out of there. So then a couple years later, I do another one with these two girls uh my neighbor and she had a girlfriend over and they're like hey we're gonna do ouija board you want to do it and i was

like yeah can we use your basement i was like sure because our basement was like an unfinished basement concrete floor and shit in baltimore yeah so we had the fuck we turned the cord lights off they light a candle and we start doing the fucking thing. We're not doing it for more than two minutes, and the fucking candle goes out. I've got the matches. I've got the cover in this hand and the match in this hand, and I'm going to go strike like this. And I'm telling you, Sean Patton, without being anywhere near this

motherfucking match pack, this fucking match lit. What? Burned the shit out of my fingers i fucking threw that off i pulled both those lights on i was like y'all gotta get the fuck out of here you and your you and your fucking ouija board those are the two experiences i've had and i've never fucked with them ever again okay you okay so you had you had because i had the exact it's ish it's ish i mean but it's ish that's still ith. I mean, but. It's ish. That's still both. It's ish. It's enough for me to say, never mind. You know what?

I forgot about that. See, mine was. They are both fire. Mine were completely different in, A, there is never a greater time than a moment when you're doing the Ouija board and you're like, show us a sign to rip a perfectly timed fart. That was my experience. My first experience with the Ouija board was just, you know, you got the thing and they're like, what is your name?

And it's like, G-U-G. It must be Greg. Because everyone's, I remember being able to be like, I feel us all. Yeah, everybody's pushing. But then like, are you here now? And then why? That must mean yes. Yeah, let's pushing. But then like, are you here now? And then, why? I must mean yes. Yeah, let's just stop right there.

And then, can you give us a sign? And then nothing. And then, that was a sign. I didn't. Who did that? Clearly it was me. But the one time it was kind of, this isn't fucked up. I'm not going to say names.

But it turned sexual, but not like it was a of this isn't fucked up i'm not gonna say names but it turned sexual but not uh not like it was a bunch of dudes me and like my buddy and my cousin like we fucking were kids and we basically just started spelling out pussy and dick and bj and you know just being and then it got like really like now we're just do you like when you were now we're just, do you like, when you were alive, we're talking to a spirit that was a whore. Like when you were alive, would you have fucked all three of us? Like, yes. And then my cousin at one point was just like, hey, I gotta go to the bathroom.

And we're like, okay. And we stopped. And then he came back and we're like, did you just jerk off? And he was like, no. And we're like, let's ask the spirit. Like, did he just, and we felt him like, no, like pushing away. And we're like, let's ask the spirit. Like, did he just? And we felt him like, no, like pushing away. And we're like, no, it's going towards us. Why, man?

I didn't say. So my, yours are like bordering on. There was a presence. Mine's like farting and jerking off. But I mean, I grew up, growing up in New Orleans, there's always like, it's a haunted city. Everything's haunted. Let's talk about that. Let's talk about where you grew up and how you grew up.

Because you are a New Orleans kid. So my family has a catering business. Shout out, Patton's Catering. Check them out, Patton's Catering. They're still in New Orleans. Still in New Orleans. They catered Norman's Wedding back in last year. I officiated Norman's Wedding.

Did you really? Yeah, completely fucked it up. Did you? Yeah, I mean, those things are weird. you'd like, you know, it's fun. It was fun as hell. But I messed up the bridal party members who were going to read. I like fucked up their names completely. And, you know, but Norman and his wife, Mae, they didn't give a shit.

It was a fun wedding. But they own, my family owns a venue in Slidell, Louisiana, which is like half an hour north of the city. And it's old. Do you perform there? Do you do comedy there? No, no, no. It's mainly like, it's there, it's like for wedding receptions and events. Yeah.

But it's an old ass house. It's, I want to say too, it's on the national registry. Like it can't be augmented in any way. No shit. It's historic? It's historic, right. Wow. And, but it's old and African. You're over here saying old ass. It's historic. Oh, it's historic. it's historic it's historic right wow and uh but it's old and after we're saying

oh it's a story it's originally called if any history fucking people out there who know louisiana it's called the salman fritchie house that was the family that owned it but now it's just patents but after katrina me like my immediate family and like my uncle and my aunt like basically four families we lived in that fucker. Oh, wow. Because it didn't, it got, you know, it's about six feet off the ground. It got water, but it didn't get into the house. All of my parents' house or where else, my apartment, New Orleans at the time, all of it got ruined. So we lived in this house for like, I'm gonna say two months after the storm. And it was, you know, it was a sitcom basically. But every single member of my family, all of it, claims they saw the ghost of that house. At the same time?

No, no, no. All different times. Did you see it? No. But they all, no. Everybody else but you. But everybody gave the exact same description, that it was a little girl, and she was in the wine cell cellar and you would see her only if you entered the wine cellar from outside did you try it yeah and the wine cellar was destroyed by because it

was it was it's not they don't really have cellars in louisiana it was just under the house and aren't uh no one's buried below in in the in new orleans parish in like up and slide down below sea level yeah but like down in like new orleans itself yeah people are above ground right but like dude it was there but here's the thing i i i'm talking a big game right now like i'm like they didn't see no fucking ghost but every time i went to like see like is there the ghost i would have fucking vomited and shit at the same time fainted i'm having diarrhea fucking emotions I'm thinking about walking in there and looking at shit like, oh, God. But we used to do it all the time. We used to love to be scared.

We used to go down to Baltimore City cemeteries at 2 o'clock in the morning on a fucking Saturday night when the fog's rolling in and look for this fucking one. It was a statue of this black angel, and you would sit in the feet of it. That looked like – I was like, was was a black angel doing the karate kick. Yeah, it was. It was doing the crane, dude. Doing the crane.

And you would hold on to its leg, and you'd say, black Aggie. Wait, really? No, dude. I was like, what? No, but the statue's there, and you would sit at the base of it. And if you said, I think it was black Aggie three times in a row, like there was rumors you'd die at the foot of it and all that. Oh think it was black aggie three times in a row was you like there was rumors you die at the foot of it and all that oh yeah and we would sneak into this cemetery but then you would see it in the moonlight you're like jesus christ it's huge it's

this massive looks like a supposed to be an angel but it looks like a gargoyle and it's huge like what the fuck dude there's old cities you know philly and stuff since 1700s and shit they had some wild fucking shit i mean there's a i mean don't, I always, I'm interested in the idea of ghosts. But my issue is, I believe that if they were as real as people thought it was, there would be true documented footage. Oh, no doubt. Yes. It would be there. Bigfoots, ghosts, Loch Ness.

By now, with drones and shit. Yeah. With camera phones. 24-7, there'sess. By now, with drones and shit. Yeah. With camera phones. 24-7, there's footage. There would be fucking footage. But dude, it's still... You know Kinane? Of course.

Him and his sister, they go and spend the night at abandoned asylums that you can pay money to go... Because they're both just scare freaks. They just love haunted houses. He's got a whole podcast about it. The Boogie Monster. It's all about scary shit. I'm like, I don't believe any of that shit is real.

But what I'm terrified of is my own fucking. Yeah. My own mind running with it. And just like, because that's my whole life, dude. I was afraid of the dark till I was like 15. Were you really? I'm saying that out loud on the Honeydew podcast. To all the deucers out there. To all deuces the deuce double deuces what were you scared of

my own fucking imagination dude what was you thinking but is it is it yeah were they irrational not that your thoughts wouldn't be rational but irrational meaning are they monsters and shit or are they like like someone's to break in type realistic fears? It can be anything, dude. I mean, having an imagination is one of the greatest things any human being can have, right? But there's also a negative side to it, like anything. There's a dark side to it, and that's great. But I also have obsessive-compulsive disorder.

There's a dark side to that as well. It's mostly a dark side, but there's a light side to that as well. I talk about my OCD in my Peacock specialock special extensively by the way saying that right to the viewer but um but as like i can't watch horror films without obsessing about them for weeks afterwards so it's it's a chore for me to watch a horror film so what's the uh okay what's the first horror film you watched and what age? Yeah, that's a hard one.

That's a, that's still a hard one. That's a hard one. My daughter was just had the stomach flu and was throwing up like that's all I think about every time you see

that projectile vomit. She turned and looked at me and I go, hey, keep your head over the toilet and she just goes, wow, all over my feet.

I'm like, God damn it. Yeah, and that is such a scary proposition in itself, the idea of like demonic possession because if you grow up in the South or or probably on the East Coast, too.

Yeah, we got Edgar Allan Poe, bro. Right, right, right. Dark shit going on in that city. Tell that heart where it is. Telltale heart. Telltale heart. The raven. All of it.

The raven. He banged his cousin. Where's that novel? Where's that poem? Where's that novel where's that where's that where's that yeah right where's that edgar allen of the poem of how sweet that cousin pussy is but um that was too much there's your clip me looking into camera and saying that but you grow up catholic by default you know what i mean a hundred percent yeah we did sure all of the better schools in in the new orleans metropolitan area anyway are catholic and the problem with going to catholic

schools is you get ingrained with catholic theology and you start to you know as a kid you pray in school and you start to think this way so the idea of a demonic possession as a kid was terrifying to me and watching the exorcist just you know what i'm saying yeah we're in baltimore that shit's in georgetown that's like you know a 45 45 minutes trip down the street it's right there but then like you know seeing like uh early friday the 13th yeah that shit was early early one that shit was all original halloween was really fucking scary it still still holds up. Yeah. The original Nightmare on Elm Street.

Yeah. Those were all fucking like, I can fall asleep. So it's scarier to go to sleep than it's to be in the dark. So like, I'm talking until I was like 15 years old. I slept with a nightlight or a light on. What was your nightlight? What was it? I mean, it wasn't like a Mickey Mouse.

No, it was just like a stay like oh what's this dumb shit oh fuck i guess i gotta my mom's making me do that that was my excuse dude whenever whenever friends would be over like is that a fucking nightlight i'd be like nah dude my mom just makes me leave it on in case i gotta go to the bathroom or something it sucks i'm gonna plug it now my mom sucks you're in here you know also also i was a bed wetter so i'm like and a dog pissed my bed, too. Were you? Till how old?

I was a bedwetter probably till around the same age. Really? Yeah, there's a correlation. Both my brothers were, too. They were bedwetters. How did you stop? Becoming puberty. Just stopped it naturally?

I mean, it was a process. But realizing, oh, this will ruin any chance I have at friendship. Everything. Sleepovers. I remember my brothers were probably going to be like, fuck you. But everybody would, if we went to my aunt's place or whatever, they would put a plastic sheet down or whatever. But you know what stopped them? So again, I'm 50.

I have a twin who's also 50, obviously. And then my younger brothers. You have a twin? Yeah, we're fraternal, though. We look nothing alike. Oh, okay. We could be two different people. No, because I was going to be like, am I talking to Ryan right now?

Yeah, you are. Or is this Jeffrey? Jeffrey. My younger brother's almost about four years younger, and those two would wet the bed. And they had this thing where you had to wear a t-shirt and like tidy whiteys and it was a buzzer that you sewed on your t-shirt right here and it had a little battery and it had a cord that ran down to this patch in your oh the night tone is that what it's called and it buzzes yeah i had that okay so that's what they had and it fucking worked it worked for both of them here's

the thing dude i had i talked about this in the special as well for real it's called what it's called a night time i never knew what it was n-y-t-o-n-e let me tell you something you know who never got sleep i had to share room with this motherfucker he had a retainer he would go all night and then he'd be pissing i'm like god damn i never slept but that was never but okay my problem with the thing was the design because the idea was the big chunky thing? Yeah. Mine went on my wrist. Mine you wore like a wrist, right?

How old are you? I wore that from when I was like 11 to – How old are you right now? Oh, 40, 44. So we got – Okay, six years. Yeah, we almost got to early. Mine went on the wrist.

But my thing was the whole idea was it would wake you up and then you'd stop pissing. But I'm like, when is being startled- But some already came out, though, right? Or when is being startled ever stopped someone from pissing? That's a good point. You know what I mean? Out of a dead sleep, it's supposed to stop you. It's like, he jumped out from behind a wall.

I haven't pissed in three days. But I would wake up and just disconnect just disconnect it like a snooze button it's disconnecting get up and actually go wake up and just be oh dude it was bad i mean my first ever sleepover i remember vividly uh kenny a bear shout out if you're still alive i don't know up canny yeah but his birthday party there was like a group of us from school i was of i was like the kid who was invited because his mom and my mom worked together none of those dudes liked me but i was in school with them we were all like sixth graders i think you're the outcast of that group to that group and like

everything fucking but my mom we had this whole speech this whole conversation about how i wasn't gonna pee the bed not to drink any soda past a certain hour, et cetera, et cetera. And like, we were hanging out and then we all went out. There was maybe six of us. We went out into the streets to roll houses. What's that? Toilet paper. Okay. TP roll houses.

I was a little fucking bitch. And I was like, guys, we shouldn't be doing this. And I was like scared. I was scared to do it. And they're like, this fucking kid sucks. Well, go home then, bitch. Go back home. So I went back to Kenny's house to sneak sneak we also snuck out yeah right so i snuck back in

through to the bedroom through the window and his mom was just sitting in there and she turns the lights on she's like where are they and you're the only one that came in so then she goes you're the snitch exactly so now i'm the snitch they all fucking hate me and but but as a reward as a reward for being uh for telling her the mom she lets me sleep on the sofa bed and watch a movie while they all have to sleep in kenny's room no movies we were all gonna sleep in the living room and watch a movie but i hate you even more like his motherfuckers out there watching friday the 13th because i know because i was about we were supposed to be watching a movie in Kenny's room we were watching there was a movie

playing but we had snuck out that's where it was but then they were like no more movie Sean gets to watch the movie on the sofa bed and I was like okay and I remember the movie it was the first Home Alone right um you out there just laughing out loud no no no I was up there just like well

life is how could this get any worse? Oh, the next morning when I wake up having hosed the water bed or the sofa bed. Oh, no. Just full, like I'm talking Lake Sean. You know what I mean? Just like a full on. Lake Sean. Dude.

So now not only do they all fucking hate me, but the parents hate me. So I'm just like the most hated 12 year old. Pissed all over their fucking couch. The sofa bed. Yeah. And I mean, if you talk to. They're going to push back in and let company come. No, dude. His dad drug the mattress out back.

And I remember him just hosing it all down he's not getting the new yeah hosing it like wetting the entire thing and then getting laundry detergent and pouring it in there and like trying to like wash it in the backyard on like that it was fucking insane and i was like should i help i don't know and she had to call my mom to come get me early it was a bad it a. It was one of those like. That's terrible. Yeah. I don't think I had a friend again until I was like a freshman in high school.

But that's like. That's motivation to stop being the best. It starts. It starts there. Oh, man. That's bad, dude. Oh, yeah, dude. It's that my.

Teenage life was fucking hard. Tell fucking hard whenever you see these teenagers now who are like crushing it on youtube making millions yeah fuck man so what were you like did you play sports did you date did you i was i was way too shy what were you doing and getting into then i was a very shy kid spent a lot of time alone right a lot of time you have siblings i do but i'm i'm way older than well not way over like my i have a sister who's four years younger another sister who's 10 years younger and my brother's 14 years damn okay so there was like gaps right so um i was a fucking just alone and uh we i spent a lot of time in my head, which I like now. I just spent a lot of time like imagining things.

I would just walk around the neighborhood by myself, just like imagining a different life. Imagine what if I was this, what I had a very active imagination as a kid. So it kept me, it's why I like, I say this all the time. It's a fact. I've never been alone. I've never felt loneliness or boredom a day in my life. It's fucking weird. Like when people talk about being bored, I'm like, really?

You don't have 15 scenarios to just restructure in your head? You don't have this one alternate reality you occasionally visit from time to time where you're like, what if I did this for a living? What if I were an FBI agent? What if I was a Navy SEAL? Also, what a magical city to be in with that imagination, too. You're not in just some fucking middle of nowhere. I was in the shit suburbs growing up. Like, my parents are both from the Lower Knife.

Like, they're legit hardcore New Orleanians. But they moved us out to, we were in New Orleans East, which is like the Jersey of New Orleans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we, and then Chalmette, which is like the jersey of new orleans yeah yeah yeah and then we and then shall met which is like the staten island i see of and then and then slide down eventually which is like the yonkers you know i'm using new york because it's just the easiest one to get but like um yeah i was just a fucking dweeb but my friends the only friends i really had growing like in my like from like 13 to maybe 16, were cousins. Because I had a lot of cousins my age. So cousins are great because they kind of have to hang out with you.

You know what I mean? There's like, okay, we've got to. But I was, you know, I get along with my cousins still. But I had some that like, I have a cousin I know I've, I would love to know what he's up to. But I probably will never speak to him again. Because this life went veered in different directions. And I kind of, so when I was, I was 13, right? Chalmette, Louisiana, if you've ever been, I mean, I think Staten Island is a, it's a joking description,

but Chalmette's just like an industrial shithole sort of – I'm not saying the people are shit. I'm just saying the actual area. It's not – it's just east of New Orleans. It's about 10 miles east of New Orleans. It's where the Chalmette National Battlefield is, where an actual like Revolutionary War battle took place. And it's like that's beautiful. But the rest of it's just flat, dirty, low rent. They're called Chalmations or yats

it's like you get fucking made fun of a lot as a chalmation and every other part of new orleans but good there's good people there but there's a wood there's a lot of wooded areas up there right so me and my cousin and one of my other friends we used to always ride our bikes and go into the woods we're just like this i think everybody's experienced this in a suburb you grow up in, the woods. It's the first place you want to go as a teenage boy. Just freedom in the woods. At first, it starts with just like, yeah, you know, playing as innocent games. I'm going to be this character.

You guys. Then it becomes like, oh, hide and seek. Do you ever do capture the flag and stuff like that? We did manhunt a lot. Yeah? What's manhunt? It's where one person gets like a 10- head start after that everybody's just getting everybody else is trying to capture the one man yeah yeah and you know basically just like grown up hide and seek

but there was no hiding you were just trying to or elude but um and then it turned into like first place i ever smoked a cigarette you know first place i ever smoked weed first place i ever fucking saw a girl's tits first time ever i think i mean i'm saying this honestly first time ever remember jerking off like a man like hand pulling on the pud when you say hold on jerking off like a man you mean yourself well i think not another man yes jerking off myself yeah but my early masturbation i would lay flat in the woods no in No, in the woods, yeah. The first time I remember what is the classic masturbation technique

of lubricant, yoinking it, was in the woods at night with a nudie mag. No shit, in the woods? In the woods, in the middle of fucking nowhere. No one around, but just like I knew where the log was, where you rolled it back and there was just a bunch of fucking Playboys and penthouses, and people would just add to it. Today's kids are never even going to know what that's like. They're never going to even understand.

You can go to fisting.com right now. Yeah, exactly. Community jerk-off logs. You're pushing a log away to see some titties. Oh, yeah, dude. And sometimes you'd go back there, and there'd be a fresh mag, and you were like, what?

Pethouse? They're peeing in this one? Okay. I mean, the first time you see a hustler and you're like, holy Jesus Christ. Yeah, hustler was a little mind-blowing back then.

Yeah, dude. Like, huh? Now that's mild. Yeah, now it's nothing. That's like a hello. Yeah. Now you can show your kid that and be like,

that's no big deal. You know, you got that on. People wear like... People got t-shirts of just like spreads. It's a woman's body. What do you do? I'm looking inside your post. Yeah, it's my profile pic. Big deal.

My name's Karen. But I mean, pre that time when I used to masturbation would be laying flat on the ground and just swiping right and left on a carpet. You know? And then just blowing blowing blowing whatever into your fucking underwear but like a little personal there but that's what podcasting's about yeah my cousin never tried that technique my cousin uh i don't know if i want to

use his real fucking name i'll call him jj though because he went by initials like that my cousin and my buddy bobby um i could probably use his real name but um we were in the fucking woods and we were just dicking around being i was 13 we're all 13 pretty much just being fucking kids and we're riding our bike outs we're wiring our bikes out of the woods and there's these like four dudes and they have fireworks that was a big fucking thing in louisiana year round somebody had bottle rockets and jumping jacks you can get those any time of year and bottle rocket wars were fun you know what i mean oh yeah we still a little moon travelers just flashing at each other right and the so jumping jacks those were a little more high end but you'd unravel remember you'd unravel the packs and just get little individual ones. You like those. So we ride by those guys and just sort of like, they see,

I remember, I remember being like, oh, we can join in. Maybe these guys will let us. And I asked one of the guys, I'm like, hey man, are you, are any of these for sale? And I remember the dude, I remember, I still remember the dude's look, which is a look I didn't identify then, but a look now I would know definitively as, oh, we're going to fuck these kids up. Like it's just a straight up, like he gave me this look of just like, and I was like this thing of like, oh, sorry. And he's like, no, no, what's your name? Come here, come here. And I remember like walking over, they were a little older.

And I was like, oh yeah, just, you know, I'm Sean, whatever. And he lit a bottle rocket, right? And he's like, here you go. He lit it. He's like, throw whatever. And he lit a bottle rocket, right? He's like, here you go. He lit it. He's like, throw it. And when he put it in my hand, he then held my hand. So it just. Burned the shit out of your hand.

Yeah, burned the shit. But it was just those little moon traps. Yeah, I know. So it wasn't like a fucking, it wasn't like a big daddy. But it was enough to be like, ow, ow. But I was such a fucking wuss that I was just pretended like, it was like, yeah fucking oh that sucks but you know just like that's totally cool and then my cousin jj got like hey what the fuck man

and then they just beat the ever-living fucking shit out of them oh no and they made and they and one of the guys beat him for real dude i mean three of them well so two of the guys held me down because my buddy my other guy my other and i don't i ain't mad at him for this but he took off my buddy bobby just got right on his bike and i got the fuck out of there right just got the fuck out of there and in my head i was like oh he's probably gonna come back with people he's probably gonna go on to get a policy i'm like he's somebody he's coming back with parents he's coming back so I remember that being a lingering thing in the back of my head. Like, Bobby's going to come back at some point. But my cousin JJ, he steps up.

One of the guys is like, what the fuck you said? And my cousin was like a scrappy dude. He didn't give a fuck. So he like gets, you know, bows back up. And first it's just one-on-one, and it's fine. And then one of the other guys jumps in. And I try to like, I'm just like screaming at the top of my lungs. And one of the guys is holding me fucking still.

He's like, you fucking move. I'll fucking kill you, you little fucking faggot. And I'm like, and they're just now three on one, but they're not just beating him up. They're now treating him like a, I guess the best way to describe it would be like, if you saw three future sociopaths torturing a dog, you know what I'm saying? They were fucking him up like that. I remember they did the thing where they lit a jumping jack packet and put it down the back of his shirt.

Oh, my God. Now, he quickly, like, once it went off, he, like, threw his shirt off and, like, ran away from it. They thought it was hilarious. They were throwing fucking logs at him and shit. And there's a canal. This is one of the worst. This is a thing that, like, I didn't understand.

I think there is some, you know uh it's important to identify child trauma now we understand that shit you know i mean but like this is something i can honestly say traumatized like my first experience of like oh that's what trauma was because i had nightmares about this moment i had fucking i would have like days where i would be fine and then out of nowhere just like the memory of it would spin me back but can i ask you when you would have these nightmares was it true to the memory of what happened or would you see worse shit happen no i mean was it you're reliving it literally it was how it happened yeah it was pretty true to the memory but it was also

like it was just the feeling i had it was a feeling of like utter hopelessness as a kid. But basically there's a canal right there. Canals are everywhere in southern Louisiana, but like southeast Louisiana. But there's a canal right there. So they're beating the fucking shit out of him, and he kind of falls into the bank of the canal, right? And he's just – so he's on the low ground, and they've got the high ground. And I'm just there being like – I'm not even being physically restrained anymore, but they're basically like if you leave, I'm fucking chase you in and kill you and also i'm

not gonna run i'm just like i'm terror i'm just frozen in fear right watching this happen to my cousin so every time he tries to come back up they throw something at him or they kick him back down and then they eventually i don't i'm guessing they eventually decide, like, let's see if how far we can get to the point of killing this kid. Because now they're, like, advancing on him. And I remember they give. Three of them. Three of them. And I remember they give him the option of jump in that fucking canal or we're going to throw you in.

Do you have gators and shit in those canals? No, but those canals are like undercurrents and undertows and just full of, like, fucking waste and shit. Like, they're just disgusting. And he's not backing down. I will always forever. Remember like him just being like, fuck y'all. Like he was not backing down,

but they were like, just hurling fucking pieces of wood at him, grabbing chunks of mud and just throwing shit at him. And then one guy just is like, fuck this and goes down and starts like, you know, throwing punches and they're fighting again. And he knocks him on the ground,

just kicking him in the fucking head, kicking him in the back. And he eventually rolls into the canal. Jesus. Now he's not in the middle of the canal, but he's in the water, right? And I remember he just stayed in the water. He was defeated. He was just eventually like, I'm done here.

There's nothing else. I'm just going to stay in the water. And the three guys come out. One of them grabs his bike and just ghost rides it at him, right? So he has to just sort of like swat his bike aside. It rolls deeper in the canal. It's fucking gone. They're done torturing him eventually.

They're done with me. I'm just fucking frozen. I'm just a little fucking wet rag at this point. They leave. He comes back up. I had pegs on my bike, like on back so i rode him home right he had to ride on the back of your bike on pegs after he got a dance beat like that dude that had to be just live laying on you yeah god and then what a miserable way to have to go home after that dude dude and then like it was brutal and like we get to his

house and his older brother my older cousin was like a legit badass was like a legit like he's five years older than me i think but like you know a scrappy everybody was afraid of of will he was a fucking bad dude and i remember him scolding me because when he came home he's like what the fuck happened to him and he was like he went to the bathroom and I told him the whole story, crying and shit. And then his brother pulled me outside. He's like, what the fuck kind of fucking little pussy are you? You didn't do shit. You didn't do a fucking thing.

And he just let me have it. And I'm just like, I know, I know, I know. And that ruined like that sect of my family and my immediate family just never really healed from that. Really? Yeah. I remember when my- So it's your cousin. So what's the connection?

Who's to your mom and dad? Their dad is my mom's brother. Got it. And that even affected your mom and him too? Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah, because they called my mom and they were like, Sean, what the fuck? And I mean, no one ever blamed me, but I was there when JJ got the shit kicked out of him, right?

And when my uncle died, which was like late 90s, we were like maybe five years later, four years later, we went to his funeral. It was very like, I hadn't seen any of them in years. And it was very like, it was a funeral, it was sad, but I could tell like he was not i don't think he ever that had to fuck with him forever you know because i also think about his position of he's seeing me his cousin not doing shit but i was a little fucking scrawny

just what's dude and like terrified of the idea of getting they would have fucked me up just as bad but now if i could go back in, I'd have taken the beating a hundred percent without doubt, a thousand percent. Like that's one of those. Why? Just to let this, just so he would feel some camaraderie, just so he would feel like I, cause I, I think about, that was part of the thing that I spun. It, this has affected my relationship with people immensely. I think it's

kind of what turned me into an empath though, because I think way more about other people than I think about myself, right? Always. But like, I think I've put myself in his position so many times of just being like, what if that was happening to me? What if I'm getting the fucking shit kicked out of me and I have another person who's not doing anything? And then I feel, I cycle through the anger. I know immediately it pisses me off. And then immediately it makes me sort of feel sorry for the person, but in a way where you don't want to help, where you just kind of want to disconnect. It fucked with me. I think that event just shit the bed in how I made friends and dealt with people for years and you were how old at that

time 13 13 13 and he was what just a little older no i'm saying me like i think maybe i'm maybe like a month older than him and it affected you in what way you were just scared to even like talk to people or get to know them get close to them i think i think it was a thing of like i felt like i i think i felt like if you befriend me, I will let you down. If you come around me in any way, if you trust me, I'm going to fucking violate that somehow because I'm a loser. I'm a piece of shit. It just sent me down that spiral of like I am nothing. How long did that last?

I mean, probably until – I mean, I started doing stand-up at 20. Were you more scared of the dark first? No, the dark. By that point, that's probably what ultimately led me not giving a shit about the dark anymore. I would say, yeah, like, fuck it. Need an afternoon reset? Do yourself a favor and snag five minutes for a daggrass toke break or two. They've got Momgrass Joints as the perfect pick-me-up to spark your creative flow,

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fight nobody lost that fight everybody just got hit but the moment that fight's about to start did you know no matter what i'm doing this one no matter what i was part of the instigation i was part of the process it was over i was part of the instigation. I was part of the process. It was over. Oh, okay. I was part of the reason because it was a guy's girlfriend was flirting with me. I see. And her and I were like talking on the phone. And he found out and came to my house with dudes. To your house?

Yeah. But we knew each other kind of. But I had friends as well. They were there. So we decided on like meet at the fucking, meet at Shamala. It was a country club with a parking lot right and no one was there and we're like meet there we went and we just fucking beat the shit out of it was like but i knew it was like i can't but also it was like pent up probably

pent up aggression and rage and disappointment in myself and like all this shit i mean i can still remember like taking punches and thinking like this wouldn't have been that bad yeah the adrenaline is a fucking beautiful right and like i think back about like what if like i just sitting there as a kid would have picked up a fucking tree branch and just whacked one of those fucking guys you know what i mean and then sure they would have came back at me with some shit but they were also older like I'm guessing these dudes were all 16, 15, 16. They were definitely older than us, but like they were, and bigger. Well, I don't know, but I can, I would love to know where they all were.

I don't even know their names. You know what I mean? I'll never know who those guys were. And even with the success you've had and stuff, your cousin hasn't reached out. It's been a split thing forever. Yeah. They come and see you do shows? His older brother and I still talk. You do? Yeah. He like years later, like reached out it's it's been a split thing forever yeah his brother see you do shows his older brother and i still talk you do yeah he like years later like reached out about it but

not my the younger the cousin his younger brother my like i i haven't spoken to that guy this century wow then in the 21st century i don't have no clue what he's up to in life i just think it's like one of those like do you miss him i mean he was like my boy when we were kids you know i mean like from we grew up together the same age we went to we went to different schools but we were in the same fucking we were going through the same shit at the same time but i remember like comparing boners with him what you remember when you're a kid no i don't know i hear this shit a lot. No, I've never circle jerked or compared boners. At least, oh, I never did a circle jerk.

Any of those things. I never, like, bare a dick, but, like, being like kids and having morning woods at sleepovers and be like, what? Oh, in your shorts and stuff? Yeah, yeah, just being like. Oh, yeah, well, you can't help that. I thought you meant you really pulled them out and, like, let me see yours. Oh, no, no, no.

Okay. I did have cousins, female cousins cousins who there was the show me your show me mine moment where it's just weird and then you're like well now we can't talk for six months because we just saw each other's genitals you know what i mean that's always six months but yeah i don't know like that that's all good yeah that was a fucking so this whole incident you say it really traumatized you and affected you. When did you start to get over that feeling? Like, was it after this fight?

Were you like, all right, this wouldn't have been that bad. I know I can at least take this and weather this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean. Did that help, really? Yeah. Like, that made, I remember that. I don't think I recognized it fully at the time. But, yeah, I think, like, that definitely, you know.

Because I was also a piece of shit teenager once i got like into my late teens like i mean i stole my fucking mom's van you know i was i was always all i was i was terrible in school i was a horrendous student you would you go with the van where'd you just joyride drove a friend of mine in new orleans so we could buy a qp of weed you stole your mom's van to go buy a quarter pound of weed not just to cruise yeah did you get it yeah did your mom find out why you took it no all right i mean she knows now because i talk about she's a fan she messages us yeah yeah she knows now yeah she let me some of

that no but um and then like you know We fucking I mean Dude I forged a report I forged report cards for an entire year My entire sophomore year of high school I forged four report cards And I did it right I never said I got straight A's I gave myself C's and D's

So every time my parents would be disappointed They'd take something away They'd be like you know you can't You grounded this one weekend or you got to come home every – the next two weeks, you got to be here, you know, by 5 p.m. But they thought I was passing when in reality I was just straight Fs. I was skipping class.

I was sleeping in class. But I forged the report cards well enough. And when my dad – when I actually got busted, when I actually got busted because i was just doing it on like stock paper and when my dad saw like a friend of mine's report card which looks like a scantron yeah that's like wait a second and then he called the school and i do that was one of those days i don't know if you ever had that moment hell no he went and did all that he went through all that research oh no he just called the school and was like hey this is

one of my son's showing me his bullshit he's just like yeah he's like he like what and he went and showed like he went to the school while i was in school he went like it was there he went to school because they would give you this is where this is where i don't know how they do it now they probably email it but back in my back in the 90s they just give you your report card for you to take home ours was on this like weird paper though almost like carbon copy paper. Yeah, it was something like that. You know what I mean? It wasn't regular.

It smelled. It had like a weird scent to it. Like a ditto. It wasn't regular fucking paper. It was like all printed out. So what happened when you got caught? Well, you ever have that thing happen where you come home as a kid

and you walk in and the way your parents are just sitting there waiting for you, it's like, oh, fuck. Like, I know. It was like a moment where like, ah, something I have done. I just got busted for. And my dad had new copies of my actual report cards

because they reprinted them for him and then all the fake ones. And it was just, whew. But he pointed out, he's like, if you'd have put this much effort just in the fucking skull, you wouldn't have had to fake. You know what i mean i was like oh i guess but i mean i was a fucking terror i dropped out of high school you did yeah senior year why because i missed too many days to pass so you were already you would have had to repeat a year whatever you were like fuck it and they give you the option right then and there they were like you can either repeat the year next year and you're done this year or here's your other option, drop it out.

In Louisiana, when you drop out, they give you this big ass, very blue piece of paper that you then have to go to every one of your classes right then and there. There's like a timeline. There's like a, you have 30 minutes to complete this task. Really? Yeah. And you have to have every teacher sign it. And then you bring it back and it's official, right?

But you're doing, it's done that way on purpose. I think it's the same thing with like making pregnant women watch ultrasounds. Like they make you go, I mean, on a far less degree, but they make you go to class and like classes are in session, right? People you know are in there like, oh my God, what are you doing?

You know, and the teacher's going to sign it and they're all going to be a little bit, they're all going to be kind of dicks about it. Like, oh, finally, Mr. Patton's leaving us. Well, you slept through the first three weeks. This doesn't surprise me. Good luck out there, kid. Good luck out there working at a car wash or whatever. They all say some dick shit.

And then you go back, and then you're officially no longer a high school student. Now, do you have a graduate equivalent or a GED? You have that? No. You GED? You have that? No. You don't? You never even bother with that? I'm about to confess something. I've been lying about getting a GED my entire life up until this exact moment.

We got an exclusive? Yeah. Lying to who? Everyone. Everyone. Everyone who's ever asked. If it's ever popped up, you said, yeah, I have a GED. Because it was embarrassing.

When I was a kid, I went to get my GED and then was just like, I sucked at this part, the school part. Fuck this part. So I just stopped going. It lied to my parents. They think you have one. They don't think I have one. They know the truth.

For a while, they did. But for a while, they were just like, when do we see it? I'm like, I don't know. They mail it to me. And obviously, I'm assuming you never went and took any college courses or anything like that. I just completely walked away from it all. No shit. But for years, when I was like a 20-year-old kid, or even like back then when my friends were big, what are you doing now?

I'm like, oh, I'm getting my GED. And then I'd be like, yeah, I got my GED. And just to say it, just to get them off my back. And then the next thing you know, you're 44 on a podcast and you're like, it doesn't actually matter. It doesn't at all. It has zero, you know, it, it, it almost like I did everything on my own. I, you know, just tackled comedy and you know, here we are, but like, yeah, I don't, I'm

not saying don't get a GED. Education is important, but I, but yeah, I have, I have lied to it. I have. Yep. There we go. I'm confessing right now. I've told so many people throughout the course of my life that I have a GED.

Never got one. How's that feel? That feels fucking good. Good. Get it off your chest. I went to like four classes. There it is. Your whole senior year?

No, the GED course. It was like a, it was like a four week class i went to maybe four of them total um all right i want to talk about another story because i asked people to come in with um stories yeah and i will say well let me i will say this i will say all that fucked up darkness all that shit all that crazy and i mean like i also the early stages of my obsessive compulsive disorder definitely were rooted in that moment as well.

I mean, it was already in me, but, like, you know, like, I developed tics and little. You did. Oh, I mean, everyone who has OCD has little rituals, little tics, little compulsions. Okay, I did. I would run my fingers across the remote control that had one, two, three, and I would just count by threes. Oh, yeah, dude. I would run up and down stairs and count every step I, two, three, and I would just count by threes. Oh, yeah, dude. I would run up and down stairs and count every step I took all the time. It took me a long time to stop doing that shit.

But was it rooted in consequence? No. Meaning like if I didn't do this X number of steps, I'm going to trip or fall or something. But no. No. It was just something I couldn't stop doing. Well, no. Because for me, the type of OCD I have was all based in control. So, for example, I had certain tics that were to prevent anyone

from ever being beaten like that again in front of me. Because OCD is about control. It's rooted in control. You try to control the uncontrollable through these compulsions and tics, which you know aren't real. You know have zero bearing on anything. The truth is you're just terrified of what if. What if I don't do this thing I've been doing?

What if I don't kiss the fucking Pepsi can every time I open it before I, that was a thing for a while. I used to feel that way about praying when I was a kid because of the Catholic church. I better pray for every dead relative or I'm gonna burn in hell. If I don't say a prayer tonight,

I'm gonna burn in hell. And even though you know say a prayer tonight, I'm going to burn in hell. And even though you know it's not true, you're still terrified of what if. Right. Just in case. The one day I don't, oh, it's a sliding glass door and I don't walk through it backwards.

What if that's the day that- Was that a thing for you? Yeah. Was it? If it was a sliding glass door, I had to go through it backwards. Why backwards? What was the mindset on that?

Do you ever hear the theory of sliding doors? I know the movie, but I don't theory of sliding doors uh i know the movie and i've but i don't i don't remember before the movie even exists i'm see i'm not even familiar all i know is what i knew was that it had something to do with alternate realities okay right let's go say parallel universe something introduced to me like i don't you know i mean i think now most people are introduced to parallel universes by like the mark the marvel shit i my dad loved michael crichton and stephen hawking okay those were his fucking still to this day his boys right i read jurassic park as a kid jurassic park was probably the first novel i remember really yeah no shit a lot of it over

the head but you got yeah for a kid who didn't like school that's impressive yeah yeah and he he didn't make me but he highly recommended i read A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking, which I slogged through. Didn't understand most of it, but every now and again, you'd get something out of it. And I remember there was a conversation in that about, I believe, I believe, I could be wrong. Could be something else I read. But I just remember the idea of like an alternate universe. Could be something else I read. But I just remember the idea of like an alternate universe.

But the idea for me was that what I had experienced in being in this universe, so much shit had happened in my life that I wanted all of it to be behind me. So I would enter backwards. But that became more like that stopped whatever negative, awful thing I could think of from happening to other people, that would prevent it. How are you doing that at other people's homes or do you not? Oh, buddy, I was a fucking Jedi. That's the thing about most people with STDs. Tell me it. Or STDs.

That's the thing about most people with STDs. This gentleman hurt me, motherfucker. We just slid in out of nowhere. I know exactly how many bumps I got and why and where from. And I only got those bumps because I had this one compulsion where I had to put a condom on. Every time I had sex, I had to put a condom on first. But everyone with both STDs and OCD, they are similar. You'll never know until you know.

Yeah, that's the truth. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's the truth. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's the damn truth. But most people with OCD are fucking ninja-like at hiding the tics. So you would still be able to slide in a back, I mean, step in a sliding glass door backwards and not even have anyone notice. Because you would open it and then find a way to be like, wait, is the light still on? Oh, it is?

You know? That's good. Dude, constantly. Or slide it open and be like, wait, what? What are you talking to me? And then you're out the door. It just, you know that's good dude constantly or slide open like wait what what are you talking to me and then you're out the door it just you know what i mean i mean i talked about this dude i you were good at these motherfuckers i talked about this one on dr drew but for i'm talking years man i would i had to at midnight wherever the fuck i was at midnight i had to, at midnight, wherever the fuck I was, at midnight, I had to microwave exactly nothing. I had nothing.

I had to microwave nothing for exactly 33 seconds. How would you be able to do that every night? Now, when you're living with your parents, easy. Go downstairs to the kitchen, do it. And if they were ever in there when, I mean, dude, I did this probably four or five times. I would just pretend like I was microwaving something. Why couldn't you actually put something in there? Well, here's the thing.

That tick was all based around preventing the nuclear apocalypse, right? Explain that. Here we go. Jesus Christ was 33 years old when he died. Okay. You burn up 33 seconds in something that is nuclear or radioactive. Why at midnight? Just because it was the start of a new day

yeah very simple and all of this shit was insane but i remember the first time i did it was because you know and you made that up yourself that jesus is 33 if i do this in a nuclear at midnight or that came to you some through reading i find that you never actively make them up your brain sort of just puts all these i see what if in a scenario, and you either choose or don't choose, but most of the time don't choose because it's a disorder, to act upon it. And the first time you do it, it solidifies it. I love this stuff. All right. So here's a question I have for you.

Have you ever started to do something where even your OCD is like, man, fuck that one? No. No. You just get them and they're on, and that's it. And yet eventually you find ways to overcome them. Like I started going to therapy when I was 18 because I started having like massive anxiety attacks, which are connected to OCD. And I had a full day where I was convinced I was insane.

And it was after I dropped out of school. That's the other thing. After I dropped out of high school, I still pretended to go to high school for like two weeks. To what? Your parents? Like you'd get up? Where would you go? Anywhere.

Numerous places. Sometimes I would just walk around Slidell, which was stupid because I got caught. Sometimes I would go into the woods when they would leave. I'd go back home. But I couldn't always do that because my dad would just pop in and out of home a lot. Go to friends' houses when I knew they were, because I also had friends who were seniors who only had half days. So I would just hide out until they were, they'd come pick me up.

But I was, I had to like simultaneously be like, hey, I dropped out of high school two weeks ago. B, I think I'm insane now. And I explained why. My mom, it was an RN. So she was like, that sounds like an anxiety attack. I'm like, well, it's been going on for three days. And I'm just terrified.

I'm terrified of everything. And we went and saw a therapist and, you know uh diagnosed ocd and etc but like uh what was my point about that oh all the fucking darkness and all that shit leading up to it it sucks and like yes if i could have gone back in time like i said i would have taken the beating with my cousin but i couldn't have taken it i can have gone back in time, like I said, I would have taken the beating with my cousin, but I couldn't have taken it. I can't go back in time. It did eventually, I did eventually turn that shit into comedy. Because I do feel like laughter became my release of just this constant like self-judgment, negative self-talk. What a piece of shit.

What a fucking loser you are. So, but then making other people laugh became like a, see, you're good for a second. So I do think like anyone out there going through anything, life is all about perception. If you find a way to turn it into something useful, I think that's the key to life, truthfully. We're all going to experience traumatic, shitty, horrible events that are out of our control

it's this whole show turning the shit show into the funny stuff you're over you turn a traumatic moment in your life into comedy well into an ability to like yeah at least want to make people laugh yeah a desire to be like oh making you laugh almost like makes up for me not jumping in and fucking trying to help my car that It really did stick with you, huh? Yeah. Oh buddy. I mean,

I've talked, I've talked about, I talked about this event, like maybe it was like 10 years ago, but with a therapist and they were like, do you not talk about this on stage? And I'm like, I just haven't found a way to yet.

Well, I can tell you, I feel like it's super relatable. Most people were scared to get in fights. Yeah. Period. Yeah. Then you're getting

jumped by older people that's a pivotal age to eighth ninth grade or whatever it is 13 i was in the eighth probably seventh grade so these are like these are these are men to you basically they can drive and shit you know what i mean yes that's terrifying and then to bring humor to it's something i think that a lot of people would really connect with and relate to yeah i mean it's but it's also i mean people have told me stories about shit they've gone through and I'm like, man, that there's some, there's, I do not believe in the idea of wasted time. The concept of like wasted time, waste experiences. I get it. I understand where it comes from, but I think there's something in everything, a moment to learn, an observation to be had,

a thought that you're like, oh, an observation to be had, a thought that you're like, oh, I probably wouldn't have had that thought if I were actively doing the thing I thought I was going to be doing. But this thought now, oh shit, that's a good idea. It's an idea. Oh fuck, that might change my life. You might've had this honeydew podcast idea while not even eating honeydew. You're like, I should have been eating melons right now. I came to this melon festival and they're out of melon. This is fucking bullshit. And you're like i should have been eating melons right now i came to this melon festival and they're out of melon this is fucking bullshit and you're like you know what dude i want to make a version of a melon festival where it never runs out and here it is here it is but yeah but you were gonna oh the other thing you wanted to bring up well i um yeah that's wildly interesting that

it affected you like that it's it's and i love what you've done with it too you gotta do something um let's talk about your other story it was a an accident involving a girl a girlfriend yeah so the girl i lost my virginity to how old were you 19 okay shocking shocking i was gonna say i mean for a guy who you said made no friends or anything and fucked up at 15 19 is earlier earlier than i thought it would be same here buddy same here believe you me when it was happening i was like oh she doesn't know enough about me i'm definitely not gonna fight for your honor i'll tell you i definitely should the answer just now should have been 31 you know so 19 okay but um yeah 19 um she was fucking cool girl but we uh it was one of those things where you know uh i was 19 i was a year out of high school still a fucking you know no g

no ged yeah uh living with my parents working for my dad's catering company just being a fucking, you know, no GED. Yeah. Living with my parents, working for my dad's catering company, just being a fucking shit. She was a senior in high school. So she was 18. You know, we meet at Mardi Gras, which a lot of, you know, Mardi Gras is fucking Mardi Gras if you've ever been. It's a good time, you know. But we went to different high schools. We're both from the same area. And we start dating, and then it's just one night.

I don't know if you remember your first time, but was definitely it was terrible yeah mine was why i remember we couldn't do it it doggy style was the only position it worked in for some reason like i just kept fucking up trying to go missionary so she's like try it like this and it worked so i lost my position my virginity and doggy style position so if you know anything about me that i think that explains a lot about my personality i definitely did not in a doggy style position. So if you know anything about me, I think that explains a lot. About my personality. I definitely did not. But yeah, the only thing that was interesting in the slightest way about it was,

we were having a party at a friend of mine's place. There was zero furniture in the house because his parents had just moved out of the house entirely and were leaving it for him right right and so there was he had no furniture no nothing so it was just on the floor in the you know carpeted there was carpet right but on the floor in a bedroom just no furniture no nothing just banging on the floor but um but it was one of those things where you know that happened you lose your virginity i you know the catholic guilt

that i still had because it was i i don't remember the day exact or the date but i know the day was good friday and i do remember it's good friday 1998 right because i remember being two days later at like a family easter party being like i'm a fucking, I'm a deviant piece of shit. I broke the Lord's rule. Even though I didn't believe any of that shit, it's still in you. But so a week later, spring break happened. The spring break was later for high school kids, right?

So it was after Easter for Louisiana for some reason. And we go to Panama City, Florida with a bunch of us right and uh her and i break up right like it was during the day we were just like arguing a lot and she was complaining that i wasn't spending any time with her i was just hanging out with my friends i'm like yeah we're on spring fucking break in panama city the fuck you have friends like we're all the same group. We're the same group. We're all spending time as a group. Why does it fucking matter? And she's like, I want to just hang out with just you.

And I'm like, that's not what spring break's about. What are you talking about? And we just break up. We decide right then and there, like, this isn't working. Fucking over. Fuck you. Fuck you too. So then, like, it's weird for everyone else because it's like, oh, they broke up. So like you do in spring break in Panama City, Florida,

everybody eventually piles into one car and gets on the strip and goes three, two and a half, one mile an hour even. You're just cruising, traffic's, you're shouting. Anyway, so there's, my friend has a Toyota Camry. There's two people in front, obviously, maybe three. Then the back seat's full so he pops the trunk right so myself uh two friends and then the girl i just broke up with we were all just kind of sitting in the trunk like legs hanging off the bumper yeah right so

we're just whatever she's on one side i'm out on the other we're not talking our friends in between us like this is weird but anyway we're driving along slow, and we rear-end the car in front of us, right? But slow. It's a slow, like, tap, right? And immediately, it's like, whoa. And then we hear the car in front of us, the dude jumps. I was like, what the fuck? So I'm like, I jump up out of the trunk to go be like, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Like, I was, by this point, I was able to interject, you know, I was no longer like, I'm not going to let back. I'm not going to sit back and let, no. But I just go to, I go to be like, no, no, it's cool. It's cool. So what the fuck, you know, it's all good. The car behind us, I remember it was a Jeep Wrangler. The person driving it was fucking hammered and had fallen asleep.

No. Right? So right into the back, back right right into the back of the car three people's legs dangling right six six sets of legs all smashed smash it gets worse jeep backs off this girl wakes up goes oh fuck no puts it in reverse pops the clutch back and hits the car behind her right backs into it so then they're like on the horn she's like oh fuck puts it back in first and oh my god twice twice all happened in a matter of 10 seconds because we all saw the first thing happened like jesus christ and then they're all shouting and the car backs off and it wasn't like

the legs looked crazy because everybody was wearing like pants but it was still like oh fuck oh and then again and then this time the guy had to jump in the car and like pull up because she was just this i don't know what happened to this person with her life but i hope she fucking changed holy fuck she was like hammered behind the wheel of a car full of bumper to bumper traffic bumper bumper traffic fell asleep while driving a stick shift by the way which is like that's difficult that's difficult to pass out while driving a fucking stick so all three of them legs crap legs fucking crushed they all fucking fall out of the i go and i pick up the girl my girl max i pick her up to just get her off the road, not realizing, oh, broken legs.

Yeah. So then she lets out this fucking mega shriek. This just like, ah! And it was fucking insane. It was like, oh, shit. I put her back on the ground. And now there's suddenly everyone's around, know a bunch of fucking 19 year old drunk kids everyone's an expert on what to do in that situation right uh then but you know ambulance

eventually comes cops eventually get their statements are taken that chick gets arrested everything's fine the dude driving our car my buddy mark he's crying because he thinks it's all his fault because he rear-ended right no it actually it isn't your fault you know but it's i think it's this whole fucking city's fault for letting this shit happen yeah you know what i'm saying yeah i think it's i think it's every it's millions of people's fault simultaneously but they go to the hospital as do we and it was a thing of like okay we're probably not broken up anymore right obviously your legs are smashed right yeah so we like kind of you know i stay in the hospital got a broken heart and broken legs right yeah that's not a good combo bad dude but i like but eventually one of the dude's dads was rich

so he flies down there private, flies him back to Louisiana private, right? He like charters a fucking jet. And he's a car dealership guy. So she's back in town. I stay. This is the part people think I'm a dick for, but I stay for like another two days in Panama just because I was with my friends.

We're like, we're not going back early. Fuck you. She's fine, dude. What are you going to do? Go sit. She'll be fine. I'm like, yeah, you're right. And I like hang out for two more days, but I still feel like shit. I get back to Louisiana, you know, I'm hanging out at a place every fucking day, but it's like, there's nothing there. Like we broke up for a reason.

You know what I mean? Like we're trying to still be like a boyfriend, girlfriend unit, but it's like, oh yeah, there's, there was nothing. We lost our virginity to one another. And that was kind of it. Cause we were both virgins. It was like a double.

It was like a, whatever you call that. Yeah. Same way for me too. Two, like two turtles on their backs. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Make a wish. Cause it was bad for everyone. Yeah. But I mean, like we both fucking we both tried to figure out like this is a thing right i think it came out of like you know she was just had both of her fucking legs broken she had to

have surgery she was in one of the legs healed way faster so she had she was on she was in a wheelchair for a minute oh that was the thing damn she was in a wheelchair for a minute. Oh, that was the thing, too. She was in a wheelchair. So prom, her senior prom, she had to go to prom in a wheelchair. Ah, shit. Right? I went with her. Right?

And all of her friends were dumb fucking cunts about it. They were just not. What do you mean? They just didn't want to deal with the girl in the wheelchair. Really? Her own friends? Yeah yeah they're terrible people wow and like i'd have leaned into that hard i mean but i but it was like my duty right that was the thing they're like well you're her boyfriend i'm like you're her fucking friends but like i had to push her everywhere she wanted to dance um no one wanted us to ride in their limo because she had the fucking wheelchair yeah so like we

had to like we had to like arrange our own ride it was fucking insane you know what i'm saying and like we get to the prom itself and everybody's being weird about her in a wheelchair it's like you were all there you saw yeah and then like you know the prom after party and of course she wanted to have like prom sex which was very weird because it's like, she was in like not a cast, like a full on boot. And it was like, this thing gets in the way of any sort of sexiness.

But we did, you know, had drunken, not sexy prom sex. And then like, you know, we're together for a few months and it's, you know,

she's then eventually on crutches, but like, there's nothing there. Like her you know, we're together for a few months and it's, you know, she's then eventually on crutches. But like, there's nothing there. Like her and I, it was like being in a loveless marriage at 18 and 19 years old. You know, where it's like, we have a child. We have to stay together. But we didn't have a child. We just had this experience. That's right.

Where now one of you, she's broken. I'm too much of a fucking shithead to just be like, no, we should call this off. And so is she. We were both ignorantly like, we should try and stay together. And then eventually she cheated on me, right? Which I knew happened as it was happening. You did. And didn't care.

Because it was like- Now you're out. That's all I need. I knew it happened. And like, one of my, my buddy, he was at the party and he's like, dude, I saw this and it was weird. I just want you to know. And I was like, I'm not even upset about that.

And then she called me the next day. I'll give her credit for that forever. She called me to be like, hey, I hooked up with someone else last night. And I said, I know. And she got mega pissed off about that as she had every right to. And then it was like, well, now we're just done right obviously and we eventually like reconciled and stayed friends but that experience i mean talk about a fucking terrible terrible introduction to love life like love to like post virginity like romantic interaction yeah you know what i mean you're just

like well no you're supposed to stay together even if you both know you don't want to based on one event that neither one of you can control right yeah i mean like what if i could go back to that i'd have just never we'd have just not i'd still go to the hospital still been like oh my god i hope you're okay still hung out until she got flown home, but then never just been like, we should stay together. Right. Right. Like that was just like, you feel so bad for someone that you remove all of your own integrity

and just are like, Hey, I'll just suck this up and do this. Right. Cause I gotta be the man here, you know? And, and you gotta be the, you're the vulnerable. And being the man is being the opposite of that fucking thing right there. 100%. Yeah. That's right.

You'll learn that immediately. Like, oh, no, never do that to yourself again or to anyone else. But, yeah, dude, that's one of the fucking – I still think about every time I go to Florida, I think about that moment. And then last year I did shows in Panama City during the summer, and I went and tried to find – I was going gonna ask you

yeah yeah yeah it's like i don't remember it all that all i remember is it happened underneath a walkway there's like a walkway between two hotels that go across the road and i found that walkway i was like there it was but yeah i couldn't tell you the address or anything like that of the nearest hotel but like yeah dude that's a fucking spring break i've never had a good time on spring break i went to maybe three of those as a kid they were always just a shit show i went to one and it was just it was new orleans as a matter of fact i decided at the time yes i was in college i tell my girlfriend at the time hey i want to just i've never been in new orleans it's st patty's day lines up with our spring break i'll guarantee you it's wild down there it's not mardi gras but it's fucking

saint patty's day let's go to saint patrick's day parade and we went down oh man it might as well been mardi gras oh yeah it was floats and parades and i was getting hit with beads and coins and everything yeah vegetables and get hit with vegetables that's a they don't do it as much but that was a big thing for years saint patrickrick crushed by a vegetable dude i got fucking i got fucking brain by a head of cabbage once that shit fucked me up dude i got a black eye from it just like and what's the big irish bar there the timmy oh well what's it called there's one called parasols that's the one that's like the oh but pat o'brien's what you're talking about that's so that place is going insane that's down the quarter though so like that's where we were up on magazine street that's where the saint patrick's day parade happens on that parade uh i don't think they do as

much anymore but they would throw vegetables because the idea used to be back in the day you'd collect you collect these vegetables go to your fucking house make a stew and just anybody on the streets could just have some fucking stew right um but there's a there's a bar it's not i think it's still called parasols i haven't been in a while but that was like a legit irish mafia type fucking oh yeah okay and that was where like the pre everybody went to that fucking place um but uh saint patrick's day yeah dude that is a that's my only spring break, St. Patty's Day in New Orleans. And you're just getting fucking nuts down there, right? Wasted.

Yeah. Drove my little Honda Civic, 1990 Honda Civic with original rims down, stayed at a shady, seedy motel. Oh, yeah. Right outside, drove in. Oh, buddy. And then just fucking walked the French Quarter and partied with the masses. Oh, yeah. I mean, people get fucking nuts.

I mean, but spring, I went three times to Panama City, right? And you remember, we're in the same age group. That's where everybody from our place went to. If they went to Florida, it was Panama City. Oh, it was Panama City. And there was Club La Vila and Spinnaker. Both of these were featured on MTV's Spring Break. Were they?

Okay, yeah. MTV fucked a lot of people up yeah and that late 90s era of mtv where it was like woodstock three yeah and all this shit from spring break it made it it made it seem like this amazing fucking magical time and it wasn't just drunk assholes doing drunk asshole shit but one year at club spinnaker we went and saw two live crew no you saw two live crew saw two live crew for about three and a half fucking maybe honestly 95 seconds into the first song when a massive fight erupted and they just had to clear the house and the show oh man it was fucking insane dude they basically we get in and it's

like oh shit two live crew and of course two live crew doesn't have like an extensive reel of hits but everybody knew who they were and they of course start everybody Live Crew doesn't have an extensive reel of hits. But everybody knew who they were. And they, of course, started. Everybody knows, hey, we want some pussy. Everybody knows the one and one. She sucked on my. Band in the USA. They went all the way to the Supreme Court and won.

Yeah, which fucking props times 10. Seriously. There's actually that aerial footage you can watch of them having a full-on orgy on stage during a concert. Is there really? Yeah, they're just up there fucking, and there's like 18 girls. You can look this up. I've never seen that one. You know what it was on, dude?

And I might be conflating, but I'm pretty positive I'm not. It was on one of the Faces of Death episodes. No shit, I've seen Faces of Death. Do you remember those? I do. One of those where for some reason it was just like, oh, by the way, this. Here's this. Just an aerial shot of an orgy happening at a 2 Live Crew concert where no one dies.

And now an alligator eats the sheriff. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, right? You're like, fuck. Why do you put those two together? But the fucking, yeah. 2 Live Crew starts an hour fucking late, probably.

I don't remember how late. Everybody had to go through metal detectors. But just as soon as that song starts a fight breaks out it gets crazy the the even the members of the group like whoa lights and lights come up and then they have to clear the fucking room and they basically kick everyone out and then they're like they start letting people back in to do the show but we were like we're not we're done here we're not going back yeah fuck that we're gonna go to club La Vila where it's worse. But yeah, that shit.

Don't go to spring break. I don't even know if kids do spring break. I don't know anymore either. If you do spring break now, use it as an actual adventure. Like, I wish I would have done that when I was like 20, 21. Being like, hey, we're going to go to fucking Europe. Or we're going to go to New York City. Or we're going to go to fucking Chicago and just see places. And like, or we're going to go hiking or something.

But like, just going like, we're going to go to Florida. We're all going to be chicago and just see places and like or we're gonna go hiking or something but like just going like i'll go to florida we're all gonna be nine of us in the hotel room we're gonna fucking drink natty light and natty ice we're gonna buy terrible coke someone's gonna do bad acid we're gonna have to find them yeah find them yeah we're gonna fucking find them search party and they're gonna be back where you they were you originally thought they were you know someone's gonna get their wallet still someone's gonna get to fucking find them. It's a search party involved. And they're going to be back where you originally thought they were. Someone's going to get their wallet stoned. Someone's going to get their fucking legs crushed. It was just always a bad experience.

God. But yeah, that fucking – I still think that I am – I mean, I just got out of an eight-year relationship for good reasons. We're still friends and shit. But like my relation, the way I dealt with like relationships going forward from that event was like I was cautious about everything. Over cautious, you know, about even telling a woman how I felt. Yeah. Because I was like, I don't want to, I don't, I'm too, and then I started doing stand-up a few years later or a couple years, like two years later. That changed everything.

22. I was 22 when I started. Yeah. Well, that just changed everything. Cause I mean, you remember, I think anybody who does comedy for a long time knows that like you, you discover who you really are in that first year. Cause you're up there because of your ideas. Cause of what you're saying on stage, you start to realize like, man,

I didn't even know that about me until I had to present it to strangers. Shit. I could never tell family could barely tell friends there's little things too like i didn't realize how much i said fuck or whatever until i started listening back to myself i'm like oh my god i dropped that like 20 times in a five minute set what the hell i don't need to do it that much i didn't realize how obsessed with ass i was yeah or how much i liked making bird sounds you start listening back to yourself like why do i do that voice and that's where gilbert godfrey came from even i think that's how he naturally talked but r.i.p one of the best r.i.p gilbert godfrey yeah man that's uh you find the beauty in all that shit all right so now after everything we've talked about this is your first time here i'm gonna ask you advice you would give to your 16-year-old self.

Advice I would give to my 16-year-old self is don't think about being cool. Try actively to not follow the herd because you end up doing that anyway. That's great advice. You end up doing that anyway. Don't compare yourself to others. Don't accept the fact that you're any 16 year old. You're a dorky, you're in development. You're not a human being yet.

You're learning about who you are. You're still growing. You're still changing. So much of your life is ahead of you. You should not be at all concerned with who you are at that age. Know who you are and lean into it, but know that it's going to change. You're going to grow. who you are and lean into it, but know that it's going to change. You're going to grow. You're going to get fucking wiser, smarter, better looking, more adept at whatever you want to do

in life. So just do that. The, accept that you're flawed at 16 more than any other year in your life and the rest of your life will be great. I believe that. That's great, dude. Yeah. Well, listen, man, this has been a really fun great episode thank you i appreciate you coming on here yeah um please plug and promote everything again make sure you hit that youtube channel yes make sure you subscribe so yeah me sean patton.com uh sean patton comedian on youtube uh mr sean patton on instagram and you know follow me on that I post a lot I post shit on that

all the time I know it's three different things but there's fucking an obnoxious amount of Sean Pattons that don't do comedy

that have all that have all the Sean Patton yeah fucking shit locked down so I had to find little tricks

but yeah and the Peacock special it's called number one it is not arrogant it is based on life is a bed wetter number one and it's also myock special. It's called Number One. It is not arrogant. It is based on life as a bedwetter, number one. And it's also my first special.

It was my first. So it's like, but it's, I love that one too. So check them all out. I'm here doing it. All right. Doing it big. Ryan Sickler. Thank you for coming on, dude.

You plug some shit. Yeah, I'm just going to say it like I always say. As always, ryansickler.com, Ryan Sickler on all social media. We'll talk to you all next week.