The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 184 - Live! Peter Helliar, Bart Freebairn, Ian Bagg & Xavier Michelides

Episode Date: April 16, 2014

Mr. Alsop's Review, Dreamboat vs. Dreamboat and One Man Little Dum Dum Club.  Recorded LIVE at Five Boroughs on Sunday April 13th, as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, we're recording this just after the live show that you are about to listen to. There's a scant week left of the Comedy Festival, less by the time you're listening to this. Our shows are on, 8.15 is my show at ACMI Dreamboat. Carl? My show is on at the Portland Hotel School. Carl's channel's got talents at 9.30 at night, 8.30 on the Sunday. So then we've got that last live podcast to go on April 20 at 5 o'clock. Then you can nip off and see our shows and then come back to the same venue at Five Boroughs in Hardware Lane in Melbourne and see the infamous Drunk Car. So we are doing two podcasts in the same day.

And the last one is going to be big, international, booked in already, plus a fan favourite who hasn't appeared on any of these episodes yet. So that's going to be a lot of fun. Following that, if you're listening in Sydney, we're up there on May 10th and the 11th doing our solo shows at the Factory Theatre. On May 10, we are doing a huge live Dum Dum Club. We just

locked in a massive guest for it last night, which is going to be sweet. At about 3am, so let's hope he turns up. Yep. There's a three-show super pass you can get where you get the podcast and both of our shows for 50 bucks. All of the information for all of this stuff is at littledumbdumbclub.com.

So don't delay. Get out there. Show your support. Come see us live and we'll see you out there. See you, mates. See you, mates. Hey, mate! Welcome once again to Live Little Dumb Dumb Club at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival at Five Burrows.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dazzalo. Standing next to me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickheads. Yay. Oh, flash photography's going off already. Oh, yeah, that moment, that one moment where he said, G'day, dickhead.

I got it. I like that when you're going over to the tech over there, if you could just turn it down a bit, and he's nodding, going, yes, I'm doing nothing about it. Yes. Who could I get speed today, I wonder? I think they're more well-lit than we are. it down a bit and he's nodding going yes i'm doing nothing about it yes who could i guess be today i wonder uh i think they're more well lit than we are um we should do the show from over there it's a bit stupid we thought we did people listening at home we had the part of the

venue curtained off and we said to our guests you can just hide it behind here behind the curtain then we've sold and then all these fuckheads buy tickets to come in but it's like we had to open the curtain area just to fit in what looks like about five more people. So now there's kind of all this empty space and we just pulled back the curtain to all these people just sitting there, I guess, just hanging out. Going, yeah, we're going to be on the show soon, guys. Hi. Yeah, Fessel, hey. Yeah.

Strong start. Yeah. I asked a hard-hitting question. I thought I'd talk about this. I mean, who came last week? Is the girl with the broken arm here? Yay! Your arm is perfectly high-lit for that.

Because, yeah, you were sitting in the same seat the first two weeks. I got really sad and thought, you, sir, you're in the broken arm seat. So... And you know what the people we do in the broken arm seat? We break their arm. We wish them a speedy recovery. We were talking a lot last week about, like, reviews, because it's comedy festival season.

It's a time when that old stuff all sort of starts to happen. And we read out your Yelp review last week. And it was good. No, it was really good. There was one, whoo, that was the person who wrote the review, wasn't it? That was the CEO of Yelp. I actually found, I've got my hands on a review of yours that I don't think you know exists yet.

Oh, really? So I've got an extra review of you to read out. Because you did a gig yesterday afternoon that my parents were at. So I've gotten my dad to write a review of your five minute set from yesterday. Well you're right, I didn't know about that. I have been searching Mr Allsop slash Carl Chandler

on the internet. So who wants to hear it? Who wants to hear what my dad thinks of Carl Chandler? Carl Chandler presented a bright, engaging snippet during the 5 at 5 show at the Imperial on Saturday evening. Being at 5pm, he assumed that much of the audience were from their nursing homes and would have to be home before the 6 o'clock curfew.

His enchanting delivery told us about the blind man with the greyhound guide dog because he was in a hurry, the glue sniffer he saw with his... I'd tell it better than that. The glue sniffer he saw with his... I'd tell it better than that. The glue sniffer he saw with his nose pressed into a horse's nose because he couldn't wait and the restaurant menu... Please. That's word for word.

Please don't shit over one of the great comedy critics of this or any generation. He told us about the restaurant menu writers who tell us something has a hint of something in it and then tell what the hint is. By now, most of the audience had been alienated.

The old people, the disabled, the drug addicts, creative writers, aha, but there was more. Surely Cal knows that every self-respecting baby boomer has a leaf blower in his garden shed. Uh-oh. Finally, he speculated on whether brothels had a tight-ass Tuesday. Thank you.

We won't go there, especially when he realised the old people were all fumbling at the controls of their pacemakers. His snippet by now had demolished nearly the whole audience and he expects them to come back to his full show for more. Full marks to Carl for courage and thoroughly worthwhile

comedy performance. You can't say You can't say full marks for courage. That's just saying that was shit. Hey man, his son's had cancer. He knows all about courage. So those Those are not light words so I think my dad might have a future in this, I mean

he gave away no less than 8 punchlines in that review, so he could easily get a job writing for the Herald Sun with that kind of form that's actually a better review than my York one I think, so I had an experience this week, I came, I wait to go into my festival show every night

and I have a show on before me, which is a Venezuelan comedian, Ivan Aguestin Rivera or something like that. You knew you weren't going to be able to pronounce the name. He's still had a go. I'm pretty sure I mispronounced Ivan. So he comes out and he's got this thing where everyone that comes out is from Uruguay, I think.

It's like me and Oliver Clark, they're friends of the show, Clay, and we watch this audience come out, this audience come out who are all very attractive Venezuelans, and every night we look jealously at them and go, oh, man, I wish they were our audience, you know, full house coming out, and we go, but what are we going to do with them? Like, these guys coming out are just speaking Uruguayan

and not going to understand what we're on about and not rate what we do. Is Uruguayan a thing? It's not, is it? You go to the crowd on this one, it's not. It's really not, is it? Well, let's read the reviews next week and find out if it is. So they come out and I always go, oh, well, that'd be great, but they're not going to and I literally said to Ollie, I said,

they wouldn't rate us, it wouldn't be a good credit. As I said, this guy walks up to me and goes, hey, Carl, little dum-dum club. And then he goes, Where is your Tommy? No one's fucking Tommy. Tommy belongs to no man.

It was excellent because he was actually a listener and just started going, I used to live on Riversdale Road. It's a shame I don't live there now. I could yell at you. That is really excellent. Yeah, and that is a Venezuelan accent right there, guys. Oh, yeah, I'm aware. We all know it.

You put in Babelfish, that checks out. Yeah, yeah. Some, well, you know, some real... Yeah, a really courageous story. You had a girl pronouncing Ivan's last name, which you clearly didn't know. You took on a bit of accent work that could have gone horribly awry. Thank you, my Tommy.

Should we bring our first guest on? Yes. Yeah, he might have some time pressure, so we should get into it. Let's crack on. Whoever it is, whoever it could be. Guys, you've heard him on the show before, you've seen him on the project and before the game. Please welcome back into the little Dumb Dumb Club

Peter Hellier! Yay! Hey buddy. You should have introduced me as Peter the original Dreamboat. Yeah. Oh, yes. Yes, because that was the name of your comedy festival show,

what, three years ago? A few years ago, yeah. Yep. And since then? No, has there been a public apology or any... Oh, because that's the name of my show. A lot of very panicky DM tweets from Tommy. Oh, I'm sorry, mate.

That's how I read the tweet, in that voice. Yeah, so my show this year is called Dreamboat, 8.15 at ACMI until April 20th. And you did a show a few years ago called The Dreamboat Tour. Peter Helly's Dreamboat Tour. And luckily, you know, I had a... My poster was me with a sailor's hat on. You've gone a different...

No, you haven't, actually. You've done that as well. I've neutered up, though. I've neutered up for it. You have neutered up. I wanted to neuter up, and the comedy festival said, no, Pete, that's going too far. Yeah, well, I mean, so I've kind of inadvertently ripped you off

because I only found out about Google one week ago, so I was unable to do the proper research when I made the show, and then, yeah, someone did point it out on Twitter, and then was like oh fuck of course that's right and so then yeah I'd sent you some hasty dms and I think I stopped just short of just attaching a picture of myself just self-harming going I'm sorry I'm so sorry that would be nice yeah okay well I know for next time um can't wait till 2017 uh Tommy Daslow, he's totes grouse balls. Yeah, next year's delirious. Next year's, the year after that's Tommy Daslow's Got Talent.

Yes. Coming back to something that we all know. Could I move the attention on the Carl, the Tired Ass Tuesday gag? Great gag. And it's probably a bit weird that he did it in front of your dad. Like, you know, but I've been at a gig with Car Weez at a more inappropriate place we did a gig it was for like a corporate gig for Jetstar on a Jetstar flight and we we thought everyone like those competition winners we thought the whole plane was competition winners and

we found out just as we went on there were only like five competition winners the rest of the flight had no fucking idea we're going to be on the flight and they were the pilots and carl you started you finish with tight ass shoes though i wouldn't have started with it you haven't finished with it yeah i think you opened and closed with it it's the book end of your comedy set. Because there's that thing where you get on there

and you know it was a weird gig because it's on a plane and it's not like you know the perfect comedy gig is a bit like this where it's sort of

wider than it is longer and of course you know on a plane it's pretty long. And we're actually doing the gig into the phone like the hostess

is used not like a microphone like a fucking phone. You had to hold like that or something. It was an awesome gig yeah it was like

you couldn't do too long like people get sticky feet at gigs you couldn't do too long because you couldn't hold the phone for long enough I know I was getting

a fucking sore wrist yeah yeah yeah but um no I do remember that because I closed with that joke and that was that was a sign

that I was going you know what this gig isn't going the way I planned I better pull out the big guns oh that are really inappropriate. It's parents covering their kids' ears.

The air marshal, I think, broke my arm at one stage. Just came and went. But it reminded me, I was thinking about it even before you mentioned that, because of this backstage, you know, we were a bit exposed backstage, and that was the same with the, you know, we basically got up out of our seats like,

please welcome Peter Halley. it's like yep okay just excuse me excuse me it was like deplorable but lucky we just finished our pre-show circle joke when you did that so I'm glad that we got that three seconds earlier and it would have been a pretty

embarrassing scenario hey I'm sorry to just deviate very quickly we are recording this aren't we man yeah cool alright yeah I just

I just remembered play and record play and record I just remembered before him not being able to fade

down music and I thought uh oh could be in trouble here yeah he's just got a free ticket

and gone sweet and now he's looking at it going I'll show these guys end recording

dump button see ya but you're you're in the midst of your comedy festival run of course And now he's looking at it going, I'll show these guys. End recording. Dump button. See ya. But you're in the midst of your Comedy Festival run, of course. Halfway through my season. Halfway through. So what was that, 10, 15 shows? No, only doing two.

I did last night at the Comedy Theatre. Had a fucking cracker. We've all had good gigs, all right. I've been on Jetstar. Seriously, I'm surprised it wasn't Barry nominated. I don't think he was off one show. No, it was good, but I've already got a fucking festival flu going on. Wow, you're really compacting the whole experience into the tightest possible time frame, aren't you?

Yeah, well, I'll do it next Saturday, so I think there's a couple of tickets left for next Saturday to come along. Alright, thanks, guys. Have a good time. Because tonight you're a bit time constrained like last week I made a

commitment in my head to go see Will Anderson's show because he needs the numbers

he's struggling I like the support of new comics but I owe you guys I did

pull out the last because I had a bad back in Brisbane so I'm here for as

long as you want me to. No, you had a very bad back, because we remember seeing you that night at a gig. Well, I got up for the gig. I saw an Essendon doctor, and I got up. But my concern was to do the show. The show that you're making thousands of dollars off, not the free podcast. Jesus Christ.

No, but I'm here for as long as you want me. That was my point. Okay, great. Thank you. If you want me to leave early, I'll take that as a sign it's not going well. We asked the audience, we gave out a survey on the way in, asked some people, what's been your comedy festival highlight so far?

Someone said Lawrence Mooney at Dum Dum. Very nice. Or Husey at Grin Guide Letters. And Husey was spelt H-U-S-E-Y. Husey. How fucking big do you have to get? No. I reckon Dave's changed his name, his nickname.

He doesn't like it now because of the Robert Hughes saga. I think he's just trying to find a new nickname. Okay, Will's starting soon, so... On the project, I always try to get in the headlines when Robert Hughes comes up, they're calling Robert Husey Hughes. They're not going with it. Jenny, come over here and touch me there. Is that... Oh, I get what that's meant to be, that's that's that's the Venezuelan comic with noting I don't know if this is showing up on the recording at home but that got a round

of applause take a good look at yourselves first one of the festival I I had a like we've been talking about this last couple weeks of the festival. We've been talking about this the last couple of weeks. The first week of my festival show, which has put off potential punters from coming along, I had a walkout. I had a couple of walkouts the second night, I think, of the festival. It's been good since then. But last night I had another walkout.

Was it at the Tidehouse Tuesday bit? Yeah, it was on the plane. I had a walkout. Was it at a tight ass Tuesday a bit? Yeah, it was on the plane. I had a walkout. That's tough. They've booked me for another Malaysian air gig in a few weeks. I don't know how to take that. But hey, gig's a gig. Actually, so I have bought my... I talked about this a few weeks ago i'll side i'll go off to the side of this i bought my mum and dad tickets to go

on malaysian air to thailand with me uh and then the that minor little thing happened uh and they're a bit worried about it and whatever i i rang them to check to make sure they were still cool with it whatever this week and uh mum goes no it's it's going great. I bought a bikini. I'm like, oh, okay, that's good. Not really want to hear my 67-year-old mum talking about. Is your mum hot, though? Like, is she, you know, is she Helen Mirren kind of hot in a bikini? Oh, look.

I reckon she'd be hot. He's considering answering it. He's weighing it up in his head. Tom, you would have met Mrs Chandler? I don't think I have. I don't think I have. I don't think you have. No, you've never met?

No. Well, you should do a dum-dum club. Wouldn't you like to see that? All the parents of Tommy and Carl, that would be a good one. The number of, like, it's fascinating what people think will be good. Like, people always say you should have your parents do an episode. People say we should have our girlfriends do an episode. It reeks of one of those things that people go,

this would be great and then the feedback would be worse than the Paul Foot episode. Like, just, this is the fucking shit. But now you could do it. If you do it next week, you have a whole crowd here and everyone would just be looking at Carl's mum just going, yeah, she's hot. Imagine her in a bikini.

Yeah, I'm trying to work out if she's hot. Imagine Fusey imagining her in a bikini. Mrs Chandler, yeah, she's hot. Imagine her in a bikini. Yeah, I'm trying to work out if she's hot. Imagine Fusey imagining her in a bikini. Mrs Chandler, yeah. I'm trying to work out if Carl would have a hot mum. I'm trying to like mentally in my head, you know that thing where it's like on those shows sometimes they do like the two people and they put them together to see if they had a baby. I'm trying to do that in reverse

with Carl's head. Like kind of split off the features and work out. No, no. My mum's a pretty lady. She doesn't look like me. She got those same beautiful eyes that you do. She's got a chest on her even bigger than me.

Oh, too far. Too far. Go back to the Robert Hughes jokes. But she goes, and the Barry Award goes to Carl Chandler and his show Mum's Tits.

Yeah. Which is going to be the name of your show in three years time as well, I bet. Things before. She hit me up and went, oh yeah, I bought a bikini. And I'm like, have you looked into getting a passport yet? And she said, no.

So she's organised a bikini, which you can get over in Thailand for even cheaper, but hasn't thought to get a passport yet. We're going in about six weeks. Well, she can still get one in six weeks. Why don't you take it upon yourself to you know take her out for a dinner or a lunch

and then you can go to the embassy get the passport make a day of it Carl take her to the embassy that's where you gotta go to get

the passport or the post office fuck whatever embassy post office is it 2002 I don't know is that some sweet perk you get

when you get a bit famous like you just get to do everything at the embassy? That's something that's taken care of by management. That's those people where I go, Pete Hellyer, how much does a litre of milk cost? I don't know, 50 bucks? Is that what happens?

You're not on the project now. We've got the tough questions, mate. It is tough questions. Milk's, yes, a couple of bucks I pay by credit card so I don't always either Yeah, that's all the embassy takes is credit card for milk Just to backtrack a little bit, I like that you're

getting hung up on your mum not knowing that she needs a passport to go overseas Does this any any hung up on your mum not knowing that she needs a passport to go overseas. Yes. Does this any... Any... Any bells? I think I've always done the right thing in my life. Has your mum not been overseas before?

No, never been on a plane. So this is OK? Yeah, this is very exciting. It is exciting. But it's that thing where I'm like, OK, I'm going to spend two weeks with them overseas. I was on the phone to him for 40 seconds the other day and went, fucking hell. So I don't know how it's going to work.

Yeah. Anyway, we've got a second guest. Yeah, let's bring out our second guest. Peter Heller, everyone. Yay. Reach down one seat. This next guest, he popped up on one of our live episodes

a couple of years ago now when we had Andrew O'Keefe on. He kind of appeared from the audience. We thought he was so good that time we thought we'd get him back. With a microphone. With a proper microphone. Joining us, international guest of the Comedy Festival, please welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Ian Bagg. Yay!

Thank you everyone That's how this show works You do a good job in the crowd And then you get bumped up into the Good luck next year Broken arm lady Apparently she's going to be on the show next year So that'll be fun

Who's that? The broken arm lady She'll be hosting by then probably She doesn't die. Sorry, I've been watching a lot of your guys' TV. I watch the project. You're very good. You're very talented.

I never know who's going to be on it now. There was a fucking, the other day, I'm allowed to swear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long have you guys been on the air? Well, five years. I'm new to the show, though. I've been doing it this year.

You guys had a goodbye episode that was longer. Charlie's still saying goodbye. It's great. I'm just like, you guys are attached to him. You really didn't want him to go. And then you guys have ads. Everybody's dying in Australia, and you guys are very concerned about it.

Like, there's an ad for some show that's going to be on tonight, and apparently in Bali, every nine days, an Australian dies. Yeah. That's the weirdest fucking number ratio I've ever put together. That's where Chandler's taking his parents as well. It's going to be him that dies when his mom comes out in a bikini.

He's going on a holiday with him for 18 days just so he can wipe both of them out. How long are you going with him? Two weeks. Have you ever been home for Christmas? Think about going home for Christmas and having that meal with him. You have to do that three times a day

in a foreign land. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Good luck. Yeah, yeah. You're going to be smuggling heroin into your room. You need it for this. You need to record some video diaries or something

to give us some kind of on the ground reporting. That's the other thing because I'm going, okay, because it costs... Look, I've shouted them over there, right? Oh, humble brag. I got podcast money, boys. We're doing the show for free.

Parents get to go to Thailand and we have to take a bus here. So I now have to make a decision of getting a hotel and whether I get one, like a room by myself or share with them. Because it's like twice the cost,

obviously, to get a room by myself. But if I get a two-bedroom apartment, it's going to be a lot cheaper. Yeah. But it's like, twice the cost, obviously, to get a room by myself, but if I get a two-bedroom apartment, it's going to be a lot cheaper. Yeah. But, yeah, that's... I think it's one of those good ideas at the moment, that we live together,

but it's not going to be, I think. A, you're going to Thailand. Yeah. B, you're going with your parents. You do know what happens in Thailand, right? Your dad's getting a hooker. Is that why mum's trying to compete with a new bikini? No, because she's probably getting a hooker as well Or her own penis

That's the other option Mum's getting her own penis The sequel to Carl Chandler and Mum's tits Mum's getting her own penis The sequel to Carl Chandler and Mum's tits Mum's penis It's a fascinating contradiction of you in that you're generous enough with your money to shout your parents the truth but then you're still trying to rationalise

and get the costs down It seems to me like you're one step away from going Fuck it, we'll all just sleep in the one bed That'll be the cheapest thing. We can share a bed together for two weeks. Yeah. Well, this is the plan at the moment. I'm thinking about extending my stay maybe for a couple of days just so I have Thailand

to myself without my folks. But that means, of course, putting them on a plane when they've been on a plane once before and going, you guys can fucking sort it out. I don't know. Is that... I don't know. You blew your load. Have we started a new story? You went too

far. You should have went to Sydney with them for a week or something. You were like, we've got to go out of the country. I've got to go with you someplace. There's a chance we're going to get AIDS. Let's go there. Is that the embassy catchphrase of Thailand? Have you ever gone travelling with your parents, Ian? Oh, yeah.

I had my parents come visit me. I brought them to Vegas for their anniversary in November. And I know what you're going to go through. And it is not fun at all. Because my dad wears a belt and suspenders all the time. So he's getting caught on pieces of material. He's getting caught on a door handle at all. Because my dad wears a belt and suspenders all the time, so he's getting caught on pieces of material. He's getting caught on a door handle at all times.

Either his suspenders or his belt are getting caught. And I'm like, holy fuck, one or the other old man. And then you've got to get them places. And your mom's 67, so she's not going to move. And good luck. I don't know if you're going to do any crossing of streets, but that is not going to be fun. No, I haven't found room for that in the itinerary yet,

crossing a street, so we should be fine. But do use them because you can get things quicker because you can call the old people card and then you get ahead of the line. I don't think that's happening in Thailand. They don't give a fuck. You sit there and you go, I'll have a Coke, please, and they go, maybe, and walk off.

They're on a different time frame to us. Sounds like a great vacation. Should we get our next guest out here? Yeah, sure. Ian Bagg, everyone. Am I moving down or leaving? Shuffle along, yeah. I'll sit on your coat.

Also joining us today, one of our very dearest friends. You know him from the Something for the Drive Home podcast. Please welcome into the Little Dun Dun Club, Bart Freedman. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, guys. How you going, man? Hey, good, man. Hey, I just had a great idea. Bring Bart along on your family holiday. Yeah, man. Just to make it a little bit weirder. Yeah, I would fuck your parents for pretty cheap. Like, I reckon I would probably kill your mother. Or dislocate her pelvis. I've got some serious kung fu dick

shit happening, you know what I mean? So, yeah. Man, I'm really going to warn my mum not to listen to this episode. Hey, Carl's mum, I'm waiting for you. Do they listen? No.

They're from country Victoria, they don't know how to turn the radio on. Yeah. That was unnecessarily creepy. Hey, on the way in here, we, the awards we mentioned before,

they got, the award nominations got read out last night so I asked people. For the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Yeah, for the Melbourne Comedy Festival relating to prizes

and competitions, I put, what's the shittest thing you've ever won? Was one of the questions and someone put, a letter from a juice box company telling me that they are not running any competitions.

Who was that? Oh, is that you? So what, did you write into them and go, are you running any competitions? I think I'm getting mixed up with another juice box. He was getting mixed up with another juice box. He was getting mixed up with another juice box. Right. That also betrays how little your mum has going on.

Oh, me son got a letter from the juice company. Moving on up. I'm just happy Bart's not threatening to fuck me. Because he already has. Doesn't it also say about how bad corporate Australia is that you sent in things that weren't going on and they didn't want to lose a customer. They're like, send them a letter back.

Needy juice. Yeah, that's what they say. That's what they say. The juice run the media. All that juice. Whatever. We know. We've done it.

All right. They don't want to send you anything for free because the Jews are quite tight with their money so yeah I'd like it made well known that me and Pete the Dreamboat Boys are not entering into this, at no point have we spoken on this

I'm just imagining the Jews having a competition. People sending in things. I think you're a winner. I think you're a winner. You're on our list. Oh, that's a different one. Wait, wait, wait. I got one. I got one. I think the last competition

was how quiet you could be. What? We're talking about juice, aren't we? Okay, so... Racist! You are! So Robert Hughes this week, convicted of several... Trying to get it back.

Trying to bring... Trying to alleviate the mood. Shittiest thing you've ever won. Someone put, movie tickets, but the movie's not on. Where was that? What was the movie's not on. Where was that? What was the movie?

Not on. Yeah, they don't even exist. Yeah, wow. No one wants to own up to that horrendous story of not having a movie to go and see after we've been talking about Jews for half an hour up here. Could it be The Sixth Sense and the movie didn't exist the whole time? Yeah, that deserved what it got.

Oh, okay. I'll tell this. So someone... I put what's been your comedy festival highlight so far. Someone wrote in 17-year-old Tommy, which is a little thing in my show. I have a little kid in my show. Someone playing an older version of you.

Yeah. What a fuck it. Hey. Good times. So I got this kid in my show and, you know, when you do the festival, you get like a participant pass so you can go and see stuff for free and whatever. And I've got two different kids that kind of alternate playing the one bit in my show. So I put in for a pass for each of them and one for me and one for my girlfriend

because she's helping out with the show. If anyone from the festival is listening, it's all above board. So anyway, I went in there to get the passes and they hadn't printed out, they hadn't made my girlfriend's one, they hadn't printed it out. So I go, oh, there's one missing from the four passes. And they go, oh, what one is it? And I go, oh, this is the name, it's my partner.

And they go, oh, okay, I don't know what happened with that. Can you just send through the photo again and we'll print it off now. So I just had to forward back the original email that I'd sent them with all four of the photos on it. And so the girl is there on her email in the office and she's looking through the photos, scrolls directly past the one of my actual girlfriend, freezes

on the one of this 17-year-old kid who's in my show and goes, was that it? That's a 17-year-old kid who's in my show and goes, was that it? That's a 17-year-old boy. I said this was a pass for my partner, you freak. So, yeah, that's the end. That's probably why you shouldn't use partner. Yeah. Yeah.

But I was trying to make it, because I was, like, all tense about if I went, oh, it's my girlfriend, they'd go, you can't just get a passed for your fucking girlfriend. It's meant to be someone who's working on your show. They might have thought you were dating two 17-year-old boys and a woman. This guy, his show should be called Sex God. A legal sex god. So what is she doing on the show, Tom?

How does she help out? You would have had to justify it in some way. How have you done that? Is it kind of Michael Flatley type arrangement? What does that mean? Doesn't he river dance off and has sex with the closest person? Yeah, he's got a shoe to load into someone's

front yard. Otherwise he can't dance properly. Is that true? He needs the river to dance. Yeah. You guys are ruining his theatre. Otherwise he can't dance properly. Is that true? He needs the river to dance. Yeah. Yeah. You guys are ruining his theatre.

Macbeth? Macbeth? Sorry. Yeah, sure, that thing. That's what she does in my show. That's the way she's a good woman. Yep. Hi, Alice, you fuckhead.

She's here today and it's her birthday and she's hearing this, so that's good. Happy birthday! Where is she? Where's Alice? No, when I left the house she said, don't you dare mention it's my birthday on stage. Well, happy birthday then. Enjoy being a 17-year-old boy. Yeah, she can drink now, so it's great.

Alice, is that like Alice Cooper? It's a guy's name. Yeah. Have you just been outside for the last 15 minutes? We're still going on the premise. Google.com. Google.com. What are boys' names?

Search. We're still going on the premise that your partner is a 17-year-old boy, isn't he? Oh, cool. Yeah. That's got juice left in it. It's good. Yeah. Don't poor choice of words.

All right. Hey, should we get stuck Into a bit of Australia's longest running Oh yes Okay Most favourite Most thoroughly prepared Yes

Radio serial Ian did we tell you about this No That's super funny So just quickly We have a What happens is We write a radio serial

About half an hour Before we do a podcast And Great Then it seems like It's from the ages because it's so well done. So if you've got your right

one there. No, that's not your one. My name's Ian. No. No. I believe you have the wrong one. Alright, there we go. Sweet. Ian. Alright. So guys, just if you can learn your scripts and go. I don't have any... Oh yeah, I've got lines. Okay guys, who's ready for a bit of Rad Dad?

I don't have any lines until the third fucking page. Page three. To be honest, we thought you'd be gone by now. Okay. Rad Dad, where are you going at this time of night? Isn't this the night you usually go out with your planking mates? Yes, Jenny. But that's somehow going to have to wait.

I don't know if you remember, but last week I tried stand-up comedy for the first time. Yeah, I remember some quickly written sketch about that. And it went terribly. I sadly realised that not only am I not funny, but I have no clue or understanding about comedy at all. Well, what's that got to do with where you're going? Well, I'm off to become a comedy reviewer. I've got a job with a major metropolitan newspaper

to review Pete Hellyer's comedy show tonight. Apparently their employer who was reviewing it pulled out because he had to finish unblocking the toilets But how's that? After the Dunny guy, out of everyone, they chose me Well, when I think of something being full of shit I generally think of you, Rad Dad Well, good news, Jenny

They gave me an extra ticket No, I don't really want to go Don't be silly, you're coming, Jenny We'll sit in the front row And I'm sure any comedian will appreciate that unimpressed look on your face over the course of an hour. It shows you're a discerning judge. Now put on that Jumanji Roan coat I bought you and let's go. Later at the box office. Hello, I'm here to pick up my media tickets for Peter Hellier's show.

I'm working at a box office. I'm working at your mum's box office. Where there's always a queue. Yeah. Especially on Tight Ass Tuesdays. Hey! Woo! Especially on Tight Ass Tuesdays. Back to the boring script. Certainly. What publication are you from? The...

Ah, fuck. What's the name of it again? Hang on, it's on my phone. I'll look it up. This bodes well. Ah here it is. Yort. Okay, here are your tickets. The show starts in 15 minutes and the venue's directly behind you. So unless you really fuck it up, you've got plenty of time up your sleeve.

35 minutes later. Rad Dad, this is insane. The show started 20 minutes ago. Why do we have to sit in the car until that Offspring album finished? We can listen to that whenever we want. Or even better, never. Now Jenny, you know I'm way too much of a progressive father to endorse any kind of

violence, but if you besmirch Dexter Holland's finest work in any way like that again I'm going to smack you upside the head so hard you won't know if you're Hooper Stank or Third Eye Blind. All I'm saying is we're over 20 minutes late to a 60-minute show. Isn't that a bit insulting to the performer? How can you review something properly when you're this late? Jenny, Jenny, Jenny.

You really don't understand, do you? No, not really. OK, cool, we agree. Anyway, let's walk into this comedy show 20 minutes late. So anyway, I finished talking to him and then the third person said... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Rodney Riddles. Third person? Who were the first

two people? Well, I explained that in the first 20 minutes of the show, you know, before you walked in late. Hmm, can't really relate to that. Gonna have to mark this show down. Are you a reviewer? Too many questions in this show? Mate, you're being a bit disruptive.

At least stop saying everything out loud when you write it. Comedian thinks his show is a bloody library. Almost Hitler-like in his demands. Rad Dad, stop carrying on like this. You're just a bloody idiot. Audience members are poor judges of character. This all has to go in the review. People need to know this stuff.

This is ridiculous I have to do this, but I'm getting my publicist out here. Peter Hellyer, publicist speaking. What's the problem? I think the show's going great. This fucking idiot's ruining the gig. Why on earth did you give out tickets to someone who is so clearly incompetent? He told me he won a Pulitzer Prize for reviewing comedy. Technically not true. I said I won a meat trade affair once.

They don't even sound similar. Sorry. I just want to get back to my show. Okay, sir, I'm sorry about this, but we're going to have to ask you to leave. This is a bloody outrage. One week later, Jenny, my review of Peter Hellyer has been published.

Have a look. Rad Dad, the whole review is about you listening to The Offspring in the car before the gig. You've spelt Hellyer wrong seven times. And where you're supposed to give an amount of stars, you've put the lyrics to Pretty Fly for a white guy. This is weird to say out loud, but I think this may even be too shitty a review for a white guy. This is weird to say out loud, but I think this may even be too shitty a review

for a comedy blog. Oh, that'd be right. Everyone's a critic. Rad. Bad. And they say Archie comics are dead. I'd like to hear the...

I think the box office guy should get his own spin-off based on that response. What's he doing right now? Probably just slamming all the women. So what, he works at a ticketing box office? It's just a front. Women coming to buy tickets and then he... Yeah, he's the box office box office guy.

Okay. And he's like behind a desk and he doesn't have pants on presumably? Yeah, and there's like 50 bitches down there. People walk in with free tickets to a movie that doesn't exist and then he has sex with them, is that right? Yeah, that's right. They don't even know him. That's one juice box company that always has a competition. There's a fine line between juice box and box juice.

Yeah. Is this the worst we've ever been or the best? It's really hard to tell. And remember, everyone, next week there's an up late one where we're allowed to say whatever we want. I would like to come to that. And then I will go oh cheers

alright now Pete we didn't expect you to hang around this late which is awesome are you still cool for time I'm still cool but you know

you can bring Xavier on we had a replacement Pete Hellyer up our sleeve so in case you wanted to leave but we can just

incorporate him as well it's slightly So in case you wanted to leave, but we can just incorporate him as well. It's slightly awkward because I'd love to leave. But it could come across as being rude. No, I'll stay back. Bring Zav on and we can just make it work, yeah? All right, sure. Yes, yes. I'll just sit over here.

Okay, welcome to the stage, Xavier Michael Leadies. I've never felt more wanted to be on a show. This is great. I like, we thought he was going to leave, but he's not going to leave. But don't worry, we'll still put you on, Zave. Have fun, buddy. No one wants me here.

Don't be like that Have fun, buddy. No one wants me here. What we... Don't be like that. Sorry, sorry. What we prepared for you to be the Pete Hellyer replacement. So we've got you to work on your Pete Hellyer impersonation. Yeah, because I can do heaps of different voices. So just talk to me like I'm Pete. Yeah, okay, right.

Thanks for coming on the show, Pete. How's the festival been going? It's been great. Having a fantastic time. You know, I love comedy and I love making people laugh. There's two Peter Helliers! It is always really weird when you hear your voice back. Usually you don't like it, but that sounds pretty fucking cool.

Wow. People listening at home are having a very hard time with this because it's just the same voice speaking. It's a stereo, man. Sorry, Pete. How did you feel about Tommy taking a festival

show name like that this year you know at first I was really sad about it but you know I don't mind I'm a nice guy

and you know you gotta let go of that sort of stuff you can't get too attached to names and shows from previous years on the other side

he is a bit of a fucking asshole for doing that. Wow, I can really hear it now. Hey Pete, do Strawny. Okay, well... It's one of my classic characters, I don't like to bring it out all the time. Everybody's pretty strong.

Can't wait to kick those goals from the 50-meter mark and get a nine-point super goal, you know? I'm going to take a break. It's matinee. What? I don't know. Guys, don't remember. Remember, it's always before the game somewhere. What? I don't know.

To be fair, I don't watch much football. Or listen to anyone's voice ever. Hey, so I've met my girlfriend bumped into you in the street a little while ago on the way to a gig. Sorry, can you channel Zave back? Is that possible? Are you too far into the character now? I know it's pretty hard. Stick with this voice. No, I'll go back to me.

Yeah, we bumped into you walking to a gig and you were eating, you're doing something I've not ever really seen before. You had a bag of lettuce from the supermarket. Yeah. And you were just eating it like a bag of chips with your hands. You were just shoveling leaves into your mouth. I love how amazing that is to you.

It's like, you were eating lettuce out of a bag. Yes. Because I think it's more because the few vegetables you eat in your life, unless it's surrounded by meat and patties and fucking bun. Meat and patties are the same thing. Double patties. I'm just eating some lettuce.

I was hungry. I thought I'd get a bag of it and eat it like it's chips. But it's healthy chips. Okay, who thinks that's weird? That's weird, isn't it? Yeah. I was hungry. I thought I'd get a bag of it and eat it like it's chips, but it's healthy chips. Okay, who thinks that's weird? That's weird, isn't it? Yeah, okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Dundum crowd who love McDonald's more than fucking anything.

Yeah, you idiot. That's good for you. Fuck off. My left arm's gone numb. Is that what our crowd's renowned for? I assume. That's one of them with a broken arm. Come on, that's not indicative of all of them. That's what I was talking about.

It's gone numb. Yeah, you've just seen her walk in and go, they're all the bloody same, all got broken arms. And what I liked is when I asked you to come on yesterday and you said, oh, that's great. And we were talking about something maybe you could prepare, maybe you could impersonate Pete Hellyer. And you said, I've got this good thing.

I've got this cool thing. How about you guys play the song Hungry Eyes and then I try and eat things with my eyes? Which I think is perfect for a podcast. No, and then I thought you guys could describe what's happening. He's pushing food into his eyes, guys. To be fair, we could do that now. Yeah, just pretend it's happening. Without you pushing food into his eyes, guys. To be fair, we could do that now.

Yeah, just pretend it's happening. Without you doing it. That wouldn't be the same. He's wearing glasses, you fucking idiot. He has to take the pie would be

in his fucking glasses. Yeah, sorry. Unless you took the glasses off. Sorry, I didn't think of that. Maybe you could do, like you could drink a liquid with your eyes.

I'm trying to think of what liquid, maybe juice. I could do that. Sure. Hey, and... So your show this year is called... Thawed.

Thawed. T-H-A-W-E-D, Thawed. Let me write that down for next year. But next year... Well, this year's show is like a one-man show. I play all the characters. But next year, I thought I'd do that again. And I thought I'd do...

A one-man show? Yeah, because now they've like one-man Lord of the Rings or one-man Star Wars. Yep. I'm going to do a one-man Little Dum Dum Club. Ride your fucking coattails. I've already endeared myself to the audience so well by saying that you all eat McDonald's too much.

So, um... Well, how would next year's show go then? I don't know like do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do

do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do

do do do do do do do do do

do do do do do do do do

do do do do do do do do

do do do do do do do do

do do do do do do do do

do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Guess what, Tommy? I found a poo in my thick shake. Oh, Carl!

Now it's time for Saviour's Corner. Please welcome Saviour Michael Eddy. Thanks for having me, guys. You know, we're happy you're on the show. You make up the best stuff that we can never come up with. You're ten times funnier than us. Yeah, you're the best. We love you.

See you, mate! you're ten times funnier than us yeah you're the best we love you see you mate I like how your segment is us introducing you and saying how good you are and then you do nothing and then that's the end of the show I couldn't think of I couldn't think of then that's the end of the show. I couldn't think of... I bit myself to say how good I am,

then I couldn't fucking think of anything. That's great. You could have gone meta and then gone into your segment in the middle and then done the one-man dum-dum again. It'd go all Inception on that. That'd be great. If we had have done it,

but instead we're stuck with this. Yeah. You could do a one-man Peter Hellier. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. I could be a guest on the Dum Dum Club. Do the guest on the Dum Dum Club. Do Peter Hellyer guesting on the Dum Dum Club.

Now here's our guest, Peter Hellyer. It's great to be here, guys. Have a fantastic time. Here's our next guest, Paul Foote. That's great. This is going to go really well, guys. I love McDonald's. I'm too afraid to propose to my girlfriend.

Oh, Carl, you have such a fear of commitment. Oh, sorry. I do say that to him a lot. I like how you're saying sorry to him and not me. Hey, Pete, do you want to have a crack at doing a Xavier? No, thanks. I would have to study Zab for a few years to really get it going. My kids watch your sketch show, the ABC2.

Is it Skidding? You're Skidding me. You're Skidding me. If you don't have kids, that show, it's a really fucking good show, isn't it? It's a very good show, yeah. It's a really fun comedy show. It's great. My kids love big fans of Zav.

Oh, right. They don't listen to the podcast? No, they hate you with a fucking passion. They love Zav. You know what? Because, Xavier, you're coming up on an episode of... Fight. Please, come on, guys.

This is going in the National Film and Sound Archive. Show some fucking respect. Jesus Christ. They're going to look back and go, they had glass back then. You guys are allowed to talk. No, we're talking to each other. Off the mic secret,

it's secret track. Fuck you guys. Wait, wait, Bart. Are you doing your own podcast over there? We've got our own little extra podcast. Are you telling me there's things that you don't want to say in that microphone? What are those things?

What could that possibly be? No one can know. It's my secret. I just talk about kittens normally. I'm just like, kittens, kittens. You're a sweetheart. Yeah, yeah, very gentle. Not really. How does Bart go? Do Bart.

Bart? Yeah. On the podcast? Yeah. Bart's talking to Pete Hellyer on the podcast. But don't get arrested. And I've tried to do Bart for a while. I've been trying to do...

Which sort of sounds like a cat a bit really that is me that's how I imagine you for people listening at home

the only person is Xavier in this whole he's been doing the podcast by himself all along. This is like Norbert. He's just playing every character.

That Norman reference was the moment that Rad Dad and you become one single... Where the character moves into the real person. Yeah. Is that about it? I think that might be it for the episode. Guys, big round of applause

for our guests this afternoon. Peter Heller's show Totes Grouse Balls is on next Saturday. Next Saturday. Final show after my long run.

I'm going to bring it home. Ian Bagg, you're doing shows. I'm doing, I'm opening for Peter. Cool. Ian Bagg you're doing shows I'm doing I'm opening for Peter cool I'll be there next week I'm at a circus tent

in the fucking Docklands are you doing any gigs that's what I'm just I'm I think you're gonna have some shithouse accommodation isn't it

right really bad I'm loading elephants every day cleaning poo and yeah in the dark ones there's a circus tent

and I'll be there don't worry it's sold out is it sold out already it's sold out so let's just keep moving on okay but your show

has another week left double happiness yeah another week double happiness 8pm at the Imperial and something for drive homes doing a podcast next Sunday at 3pm

if you want to come before dum dumdum. It's here, isn't it? It's at Five Burrows. Five Burrows. Fuck yes! Fuck, I'm enjoying it! Xavier, your show Thord is on for... Another week, 9.30 Trades Hall.

It's about Walt Disney's defrost from his tragic slumber and goes to a dinner party. Oh, it sounds great. Hack. Oh, I know. Boring. Pretty cliched stuff. We. Oh, I know. Boring. Pretty cliched stuff. We've got our shows on for another week.

Dreamboat is at ACMI at 8.15. And your show... Carl's Challenge of Talent is on at 9.30 at the Portland Hotel. And we've got one more of these left next Sunday at 5pm at Five Burrows and then the Unrecorded Drunk Podcast at... The Legendary Drunk Unrecorded Drunk Podcast.

The Legendary Drunk Podcast, the Drunk Cast. Yeah, we're here at 5 o'clock and then you can come off and see our shows and then come back here at 10 o'clock and see us get as drunk as we possibly can and watch people spew. Carl's mum's going to be here in a bikini passing out drinks, so come check that out. I'll be here. Guys, one more round of applause for peter hellier ian bagg bar freeband savior michael edie's

guys thank you so much for coming and hanging out with us and we'll see you next time see you