The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 185 - Live! Greg Behrendt, Dave Thornton & Luke McGregor

Episode Date: April 22, 2014

Frozen Yoghurt, Money Fights and The Front Row. Recorded LIVE at Five Boroughs on April 20th, 2014 as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Huge thanks to all of our Melbourne mates who came out to see our shows at the Melbourne Comedy Festival, our solo shows and our live podcast. We really appreciate it. You guys are the best. It was so fun to meet you over the last month. And if you're in Sydney, we've got two nights of shows up there, May 10th and the 11th at the Factory Theatre. We're both doing our solo shows.

And on the Saturday, we're doing a live Little Dum Dum Club. We've got a huge guest locked in already. You can get a $50 super pass to see the live podcast and then Carl's show and then my show all in a row, all at the one venue. There's food trucks down there. There's a bar. It's going to be heaps of fun. So come down and check that out, littledumdumclub.com,

for all the ticket details and all that stuff. Enjoy this last live episode from Melbourne with Dave Thorne, Luke McGregor, and Greg that stuff. Enjoy this last live episode from Melbourne with Dave Thorne, Luke McGregor and Greg Barrett. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. The final live edition from the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Thank you so much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolone. Sitting next to me in the other half of the program, Carl Chandler.

G'day, dickheads. Is this even on? We get here an hour early and we don't even turn the mics on. Is this on at all? Is this podcast on? Is this podcast funny? Are we any good? Are you being sent by a rival podcast?

Should we kill ourselves? Are you being sent by my mum and dad? Is this actually on? Yes, it's on. What if that was the whole podcast? Just us for an hour asking if things are on? The little sound check club. Seriously though. This is still not on. It's not asking if things are on. The little sound check club. Seriously though, please...

This is still not on! It's not on! It's on. It's not. Can people see us? What about these lights? Are the lights on? Can you turn the fucking lights on? Just for me, can you turn this on? Just for me.

Just turn it up. Can you turn this up? Have we let the audience in? Oh, no, I'm really loud. Yeah. Can we turn it on? Fucking hell. Let's open the doors of the venue and let people in. Is anyone here?

I would answer, but you can't hear me. Oh, hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hey, Carl, let's start a podcast. Would you like to do a podcast with me? Well, now we've got 200 eps in, I reckon we can nearly master volume, so... What I've loved about...

Because every week there's some kind of complaint about the sound in the room, but that doesn't come through on the recording. So you listen back to it at home and you just sound like the most crazy, fucking pedantic asshole of all time. I get that a lot in real life as well, to be fair. There's a guy tweeting us tonight

going, oh, he googled Five Boroughs and there's another Five Boroughs place in Footscray or Brunswick or something and I'm feeling very jealous I didn't use the same Google Maps as him at the moment. So, it's a haberdashery store and I reckon they know how I didn't use the same Google Maps as him at the moment. It's a haberdashery store and I reckon they know how to use a fucking mic. It's a sweet plug

for a place that this isn't. Cool. If you ever need to be haberdashed you know where to go. I love a good haberdashing. Last night at the comedy festival? Yeah.

I'm fucked. Yeah. My voice is gone. What's new, mate. Yeah. Yeah, my voice is gone. What's new, mate? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Is this on? Seriously, can you?

This is what happened. I think we found our thread for the episode. It's good, isn't it? Can I get a fucking beer up here, please? So, this is what happened the other day. I walked down the street in Bourke Street, Clang, and I walked past this woman there's like a crazy woman I walk past her and she I didn't see it to the last minute and she was like a crazy homeless woman she just started screaming at my face going and then

walked by and I was like what the fuck just happened and then overtaking like as I'm walking that way a guy overt overtook me, pointed back at her and went, that's your mate. And not only that, but the guy who your-mated me was dressed as a cowboy. Oh, wow. Now you've got to feel bad about yourself as the crazy screaming homeless woman when you get your-mated by a guy in a cowboy hat. Yeah. Hey, well, she's your mate.

Don't tell too much shit on her. Oh, that's awesome. That's really great. That's... Do we talk about that much on the show just to have the joy of just saying to people, that's your mate? Yeah.

And then for us, it's evolved into just going, that's you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, five minutes ago, the volume of this mic, that was you. Oh, fuck. Shit.

Yeah, that is too good. We've been talking a bit about reviews and stuff. So my show, round of applause. Has anyone here come to my show? Oh, that's very nice. Has anyone been to my show? Hey, I reckon that's more. Fuck you.

No, I think they're just more enthusiastic because they're happy to be out of it. They're glad that the experience is finally over. Oh, I had another walkout. But imagine taking that moment out of context to no one, to someone who's never listened to this podcast before. You're going, someone walked out of my show and the whole audience laughing and going, yeah!

We're here because we hate you. Yeah, good. No, I had a walkout. I had a walk out and it was um but you know what because that first couple of nights you know it was a bit the the person that legitimately walked out on the second night of the show the show was okay it wasn't great now the show is great okay so when someone goes to walk out there was like an older couple sitting um about the second row and i could see you know you're doing the show and i could see that there's some sort of disturbance happening there and they're just looking at each other and talking and not listening the whole time. So I sort of get to a point and go

okay, look, I can see something's going on does someone need, do you need to walk out? And the woman goes yes and gets up and walks out. I'm like, that's fine. How did she hear you? Your mic probably wasn't even on. So, she walks out and I do the rest of the show and that's fine. The show's going fine so it's not a big deal. Then I get out and I sort of shake everyone's hand as they walk out

and the guy comes out and I said, oh, look, hey, man, I'm really sorry that you're... Whatever's happened with your wife, whatever's made her want to walk out, whatever that is, I hope she's OK or I hope she thought the show was OK or whatever. And he just goes, nah, mate, you were too much for her. She's got bloody menopause now. So, ladies, tonight there's only one more chance for you to let me put you through the change.

Yeah. So. Yeah, if anyone's feeling hot flushes during this gig, that's not the ventilation. Old Chando. Yeah. It's old Chandoes during this gig, that's not the ventilation in this room. Yeah. It's old Chando. Yeah, I like that. So people who've been to my show will know my venue's a bit weird,

that's fair to say. It's basically a room in Acme that they used to do school excursions in and so people are just sitting on these dirty benches that are covered in, like, you know, just grot. And so, you know, I kind of put people at ease. I come out and I do a few minutes at the start of the show. Just, you know, that thing where you've got to point out, oh, look, there's no roof and oh, look at that.

And the other night I came home... Look at the voice coming out of this little boy. I came home the other night and someone had taken a photo of the wall and put it on Instagram and tagged me in it and put, oh, yeah, went to see this comedy festival show tonight. Yeah, it was good. Except for the first 15 minutes where the comedian just hung shit on the venue that I designed.

So literally no one is safe. Frank Lloyd Wright came to your show. Wow. Is that person here out of interest? I thought there might be. Are they? No? Okay, I thought they might have been a dumb dumb listener.

Or they might have been in the past, but they're not now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is here... This is the final show that we're going to do live in Melbourne for the festival. Who is here under duress just because you want to come to the drunk cast later on? The very idea of that. I felt like there was a few people going, Oh, right, we'll buy a ticket and have to go along to

your one we really wanted to see you be spastic offend everyone that works for the festival and end your career but anyway okay so no one's coming back later on to the drunk one yeah oh wow oh and who's drinking already oh wow what wow. What the fuck is going to happen? Someone up the back put their hand up, thus indicating that they're not drinking already because that's too polite. Me, sir. The good thing is, so we're having all...

We're going to have a lot of guests later on and one of them is going to be... We sort of had the rule, OK, we're all going to be drunk and we're all going to be drinking and then Bart Freebarn said, can I come along? And he doesn't drink, but I'm like, you act drunker than the rest of us, so you're fine. He'll be like the court stenographer of it.

Like, he'll be the only one in the madness with any memory of what's gone on. Yeah, but except it'll be like his minutes will go, Finty Whistlefaggot. Wow, all right. I should have taken it myself. Should we get a first guest on? Yeah, let's do it.

Guys, a first guest for today. Does he know he's the first guest? Big chance of him not, alright. Hey, guests out there, get ready, one of you. The one person that we haven't told when you're on, it's you. The guy that's currently having intercourse with a girl. Get ready. All right, let's try this out.

Guys, one of our favourite, very favourite guests, you know him from all over the telly. Please welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Luke McGregor! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Oh, what a metaphor. What a metaphor.

Can we turn this fucking thing off, please? Why isn't this on? Oh, man. That is what you've been trying to do all your life. What, put his dick into the end of a microphone? For the people at home, yes. Luke McGregor did just put his dick in the end of a microphone. Anything to sell tickets? I don't know what I'm saying here. Hey man, that's the kind of behaviour that gets you moved from the venue you're in to, you know, the Hi-Fi bar for a bunch of years.

So you know what? Fuck it! Yeah! Hello, success! This is McGregor's green room. This size room, this is his backstage now. That's right, I awkwardly come over here for backstage and I walk over to the hi-fi. And then it's just a smooth 25 minute walk to the stage. Just to clear the head, write the show, it's new every night.

Apologise to whoever's doing a show in here. How is the festival going for you? Because you've gone from, what, an 80 seater into a what is the hi-fi bar? It's a 68 to what, an 80 seater into a... What is the hi-fi bar? It's a 68 to a... I think it's 400 at full capacity I think. Yeah? So it's going good. I was just saying.

And how... Did you get some time there? How is... If it was reverse it would have sucked. I don't know like to do that. I'd like to go, I'd like to say, I'm going to put you in a two-seater. I actually, because that happened in the middle of this festival,

there were a group of acts that were doing really well and then suddenly the press is all, by overwhelming demand, moving into a bigger venue. And I think that's going to be my game plan next year. Midway through, I'm going to have, due to underwhelming demand, he's moved into a toilet cubicle. Get your tickets now or fuck it, in two weeks there'll be plenty.

It's by Skype only. I'm going to have, from overwhelming demand, he's gone back to being a graphic designer. That should be a thing that they had the awards last night that they gave out, like Best Show and stuff. There should be one award that's like please quit. There's no nominees, they just overnight get you up and go that's it Because there's a piece of wood award which is voted on by fellow boy your peers and whatever and they're the people that should

Be doing it like that should be the piece of shit award. Yeah, you that's you you have to stop me That's you. Yeah Not comedy, that's your mate. They take a shit on the stage and they invite you up and they go that's you. See, not comedy. That's your mate. They take your shit on the stage and they invite you up and they go, that's you. Now never darken the door of the comedy festival ever again, please. So, um, with um... Sorry.

Sorry, carry on with the question. So, I was just picturing this poor guy who has to walk up on stage he knows that he's just walking up so people can point at his shit and say it's him it's like I should just walk out but no I'm going to help my head up high

and you'd get that call going hey you should really be at the hi-fi bar tonight and it's like our tickets haven't been selling well I'm not nominated for anything what could this possibly be I'm going to get the bit of shit, aren't I? So with all the uprising numbers that you've got going to your show... Oh, it's an uprising now.

That's a word. McGregor's fans are mobilising. I think you definitely used it correctly. Carry on. That's fine. How did you get that? How did you get that? My parents won the lotto and I buy them all.

You just comped 300 people every night? Every night. But, you know, it's fun. It's less nerve-wracking when there's no one there. How is the ladies' situation? With your upbringing? No, fuck. Upringing?

Uprise. The movie Up. The Pixar movie Up. What is Up like? The old man. I'm going to give you the piece of shit award. No, in terms of you getting full houses on TV and stuff like that, surely that's got more interest from the ladies.

Yeah, it's been good. This has been a better year than... Well, certainly better than high school. When you got moved from a 68-seat high school to a 400-seat high school. Yeah, that was... Yeah, so that's the things that I'm ready... I think I'm almost ready for the school reunion. I'm ready to go back.

Because, yeah, it's been good. Thank you for asking. Not in real life, but when we're on a podcast. Hey, I... It's been good. I've been... I've done... Well, I talk about it on the show, I guess, but I've hit up the...actually, I hit up...

because I hit up Tinder and I talk about Tinder in my show and I had a couple of girls that add me because they saw the show and it was...so I swipe, you get a match and then they'd say, oh, hi, I saw your show the other night. I said, oh, thanks for coming. Did you have a good time? And she goes, yeah, no, it was fun. Thank you. And then I go, oh, great.

Well, do you want to get a coffee or something? Or she goes, nah. It's like, all right. Good night. I don't know what to say. Like, it's... I bumped into you out the other night. Was that...

Were you on a date? Because I bumped into you with a lady. Last night? No, no. It was... Because that's the thing. Yesterday I talked to you and you were like, oh, I'm going on a date before my show. I'm like, oh, wow, that's a weird way to do things. He's got a 20 minute

walk between the green women. I've been blocking out hour blocks because I feel like that is the length of time I can maintain a conversation without feeling like they're getting bored or I'm running out of topics. I've run into would-you-rathers. What's your would-you-rather? Would you rather have sex with me or not?

You just have it to the end. But I always sort of save time, I guess, so to start. But you, no, I talk, I guess, so to start. But you... No, I just... I talk... I don't know. It's hard. Tinder's hard because you don't know anything other than their face, so... What?

Well, you get a face. That's all you get. You get the face. And you... Hi. You get a great face. And once that's... What do you mean you get just a face?

Well, that's all you get on Tinder. You get a face. Oh, I thought you were talking about real life. I thought you were just going on dates with Gwyneth Paltrow from the end of Seven. This is a thing I heard the other day. Now, I don't know whether this is widely known or not, but you know Dr. Carl on Triple J, the whatever he is, a scientist? The doctor?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Burn! The doctor? Yeah, yeah. Let me see. Burn! So, you know, he answers all those questions or whatever he does. I don't listen, so... That doctorate on your wall, that's your mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is apparently how he is wired up. He has some sort of syndrome where he doesn't recognise anyone.

Like, everyone looks the same to him. Everyone looks like a brick in the wall. So he doesn't recognise their face. He just goes up and sort of sits there and doesn't know who you are when you're talking. And as soon as you go, anyway, Dad, he goes, oh, that's right, my daughter.

Really? Yeah, that's what I heard. That's an actual medical thing I've heard about, though. Yeah, I heard there's a thing where you can... So he would be horrible at Tinder. Yeah. Sorry, I'm just picturing that. Brick, is that left or right?

Apparently my friend had someone in her... When she was studying nursing, she had someone in her lecture who used to always hand in assignments late or not hand them in at all because he had a... Apparently this is a real thing. It's when you think your dreams are real. So you can't tell if they didn't happen or not handyman at all because he had a... Apparently this is a real thing. It's when you think your dreams are real. So you can't tell if they didn't happen or not. So he would dream that he did the essay.

And then he'd come in the next day and go... He'd have his bag there and he'd be reaching into his bag and go, I don't... I've dreamed it. So this is a guy legitimately thinking, I had sex with Angelina Jolie last night. That's what I thought because I'm like, because he had a medical certificate to say this is a real condition,

you have to allow for it, you have to give him extensions because this will happen, he'll feel like he's done the work, he'll think he's actually done it, he'll be really cross that he hasn't, that it's not real, that he can't print it out of his brain. Like how do they work this out? How do they prove that this is not real, that he can't print it out of his brain. Like, how do they work this out? How do they prove that this is a real thing? That's what I don't know, because I'd just be telling them that. You'd just be saying, I did it.

Oh, man, I wish you could have read it, because, wow. It's a real... It wasn't my best work. Maybe you have it and you just imagined that friend and he never existed at all. Maybe I'm not doing the podcast right now. Maybe you're just sitting in your dressing room right now getting ready for your real gig. Yeah. But, hey, just getting back to, like, I bumped into you at the frozen yoghurt place on Bourke Street a couple of weeks ago.

Prove it. And you were with a girl. Yep. Was that a date? I don't think so at the frozen yoghurt place. Right. Although that is one of my hot spots. The reason I bring it up, I thought it might have been because what, like, I'm very bad at remembering people.

So I'm, like, any time I'm out, especially around festival, it's just, like, high density time of, like... I had a date the other night and I went and saw Peter Hilliard's show. And Pete knew I was had a date the other night and uh it was i went and saw peter hillier's show um and uh i pete knew i was on a date and so at the uh towards the end of the show i was just sitting there with this person a complete stranger i'd met him for 10 minutes and then we went to a picture and then we're going to have a date sex yeah sex exactly uh at the frozen yogurt place um if you're regular enough, they... Sorry. What would you rather, soft serve or hard serve? You're like,

trying in Peter's show, going, what about these totes grouse balls? Yeah. It's not bad, is it? It's great. Didn't play very well in the room, but... Because this isn't on. That's why it didn't work.

Pete, during his... Towards the end of his set, he just goes, and there are other comedians in the festival, you should go see him. Celia Bacola, she's really great, go see her, nominated for the Barry. And Luke McGregor's doing a show as well. He's also great in a sack, so if you get a chance, just go for it. Yeah!

It was so awkward. We were, like, close enough that we were sort of, like, just, like, touching arms and chips. I'm not sure of the idea that he didn't know you were on a date. He's just saying that every night. I hope so. I hope so. Just in case.

We do have sex a lot. Well, this girl that I saw you with, because, like I said, I forget, like, I'm really bad at remembering people, so I'm constantly getting people give it the old, you don't remember who I am, do you? That real passive aggressive thing. So my new thing is when I get introduced to someone, if there's a hint of familiarity, I just go in straight away and go,

oh yeah, yeah, we've met, yeah, yeah. And so you kind of introduced me to the girl you were with and I just went in way too hard and went, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, we've met. And she's like going, when have we met? And I'm like, nah, nah, we are somewhere, nah, yeah, we've met. And she's like going, when have we met? And I'm like, nah, nah, we're odd somewhere. Nah, but we've met, though. That's better, though. That might be my strategy lately is like if someone I normally hug

or kiss on the cheek, I'll just go, I'll go full hug, kiss on the cheek because I feel like it's better to do more than be the person that they go for a hug and you don't hug. That's awkward. But if you're just the one, like, holding them... LAUGHTER You know, that's fine. That's just a nice... That's just a pleasant...

It's nice hugging people. Yeah. And they can just deal with it as they see fit. I did that yesterday. Cos it's that thing where I'm terrible with faces and whatever and then also, you know, sometimes people listen to the podcast, we'll see you on the street and go, hey, man, whatever. So this guy...

The podcast sucks! LAUGHTER Sorry. That's your mate. No, that's you. Luca. So this guy across the street and he's like, hey, man. And I go, hey. And I have no idea.

And I go, hey, mate. Yeah, good to see you again. And he goes, no, I just drive a similar car to you. I don't know you. Because I've got the same model. It's over there. And I'm like, oh, that looks good. And then that was it.

Just a random guy. A random. Wow. But isn't that a thing when you do see a similar car and, like, someone parking the same car as you, you do feel like, oh oh she goes, you know. Never. Really?

No. Anything. Same shirt. Yeah, same. Same shirt, I'll do it. High five. I thought once I had a, there was just a girl coming out of a toilet. It was a unisex toilet at a cafe.

And as she. How's this going to end up? Yeah. As she came out, I don't know why, I just went... Just nothing. So anything, the smallest thing, as long as I can get a high five out of it all. That is a man desperate for a high five.

Alright, let's get a second guest on here. Luke McGregor, everyone! Shuffle down one. Next guest, once again, a big old mate of the show. You know him from Breakfast on Fox FM. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Dave Thornton. Yeah. Yeah.

Always lead with your strongest bit. What's happening? The old beer sip. Not much. That's what we were going to ask you. Oh, it's on me now, is it? Yeah. I'm going to write your podcast.

Fuck off. Jesus. Hey, this is what I was going to ask you about. I was talking to you about this last night. Yeah. It's very funny, I find. So you did a show. You did a show, like Spots in a Show,

like a week ago, in a group show that we'll leave nameless. Yeah, yeah. So you're in a group show last week with Tommy Little and Tommy Little goes on stage and gets heckled. Well, yeah, this is the story. So we're doing this late night gig. I was quite tired just from the week and I get up on stage and straight away this girl in the audience just goes,

where's Fifi? And I'm like, oh, go fuck yourself. Like, I didn't give a shit. And I gave her a little bit of shit, but I was really tired. I actually couldn't be bothered with it. And then Little, in sterling Little form, because he texts me, he goes, is this gig on? And I was like, yeah, this gig's on.

Where are you? He's like, drunk. And he hadn't turned up yet and he was supposed to go on first i'm like so i had to go on first and did all this he which i found out afterwards just turned up just before he was about to go on just turns up in classic his form with a sterling girl under his arm just grog to the eyeballs like what a rock star and then he turns up and gets on stage he didn't know this girl was in the audience and he gets on stage and she's like, where's Kate Langbrook?

Which to me made me giggle because I'm like, she's not even on the show. But she's done more research on my show. What a dick. And I mean, it's not a competition, but if it was, I would have won. Where's fucking Tracy Bartram? Then I could have retaliated with a gotcha call in an Indian accent. Beautiful. But then Tommy, to his credit, because he was pissed,

was just like, right, and then absolutely destroyed her. So it was something cathartic for me. I was like, oh, great, she's going to go comeuppance. And then she was like, she's going, and then she went, I like Fox better than Nova, just winding Tommy up. And Tommy just stopped. He goes, like I give a fuck. And he said, the thing is people don't understand, which is all true.

People are like, because we're good mates, is it competitive? Because I'm on Fox and he's on Nova. And he said, it's not competitive because the fact is two years ago, we didn't have any money to rub together. Now we've both got breakfast radio. We just have money fights with each other. And I was at the back of the room I ran up, opened my wallet

and just started throwing money at him. And it was great because he didn't have any on him. So I won. We did now I guess. Yeah. But it was that moment where we're throwing money

and we're like oh this is so much fun and they're like give it back. Give it back. Like don't be a dick. I haven't lost that much. Me and Carl have that similar thing, but it's just with coins. Yeah. Very painful.

With fives. Both physically and emotionally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just Indonesian bant from your last holiday. Just PayPal receipts if someone's bought a T-shirt that week. I think you guys will both enjoy this. I got on a tram the other night and me and my girlfriend were sitting in a booth

opposite a couple that were having a really intense fight on the tram. You know when couples get into it on the tram and you just go, you can't wait 15 minutes until you're in your own home. Like, is there... That's like my worst kind of... I'll do anything I can to not be fighting in public with a partner. Anyway

so we sit down and they're clearly, it's that moment in the fight where they've both just gone silent and she turns to him and goes okay, so what's the Lego movie about then? That was it. And he goes

and so it's clearly a thing where she's cracked it and he's just sort of not having it, like he doesn't give a fuck so he's like just really, he's like really happy he's like, it's a movie about Legos and she goes alright and then they're silent for another like ten minutes and then

she goes, I feel like five minutes, she goes, you know it's just that, you know, I'm like always trying to get you to you know come to come and see plays with me and stuff and you know you like you never do it you've always got an excuse to not to not come to the theater with me or anything like that and he goes what's your point and she goes oh it's just now that we're going and seeing the lego movie just because you want to go and see it and he goes yeah it's going to be great and so i just

got off the tram and I was obsessed because it was sort of that thing where you go, like, she's clearly upset about it, like, why isn't she just going, you know what, go see your precious fucking Lego movie. I'm going home, you know, be on your own. The image of someone sitting through the Lego movie just

viciously pissed off, just made me just made me so happy. Like, these little blocks exploding on the screen everything is awesome it's just playing yeah yeah and then everyone is luke's microphone no you turned it on and then turned it off again you flicked it twice No, you turned it on and then turned it off again. You flicked it twice. That's a gun made of drugs, sir.

That's it. There we go. There we go. We got it. Can't wait till the next guest comes on and we play another fresh little game. Hello, hello, hello, hello? Test, test, test, test. Hello.

Guys, we better wrap up the dress rehearsal soon the audience have been waiting outside we've got to get out of McGregor's dressing room before the show starts but yeah just the image of these kids

just going wild and going yeah Legos and then one sour woman in the audience going fuck this this is the worst day of my life

that's good just running out everything is not awesome man just go out. Should we get, let's get our third guest on. Oh yeah,

time's ticking. Dave Thornton, everyone. There we go. There we go. Guys, this guy is appearing on our show

for the first time. We've actually been on his show before, but this is the first time we've had him on our podcast. You know him from walking the room. Please welcome him to the Little Dunlop Club, Craig Bird! Woo!

Hello. Welcome aboard. Don't worry, anything about amplification, that is sorted, that one. Hello. Check. One, two. Are we good we're good did you record by the way we've done that we've done yeah we've we've forgotten to record i think mercifully a few times oh yeah last year two years ago you guys were out? We did a big Tofop thing. It was walking in the room in Tofop and we had a big... An audible sigh from the front.

Thousands of people came out. We did it in some sort of a soccer stadium and we forgot to hit record. Is this one of those dream things again? It may be. I'm not positive I've ever been here before. How does it make you feel that that got lost and meanwhile utter dross like this manages to make it out?

Yeah. That doesn't seem fair, does it? No. Not at all. There's no reaction from the crowd, we'll notice, because everyone's paid

18 bucks to get in. And going, oh, this is dross. Oh, shit. That's an excuse to use the word dross, really. Yeah, I like that. That was great.

Yeah. You know, Greg, when I did your Walking the Room podcast. Yes, I do. Which was a little bit more professional than this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But one of the things that was, and I was talking Walk in the Room podcast. Yes, I do. Which was a little bit more professional this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But one of the things, and I was talking to you about it after a gig the other night, where I said it was equally the most disturbing and complimentary thing I've ever heard. But a guy afterwards, I don't even know if he's in the room this evening, how he says he works in child protection services. Right. And before they go in to do some nasty shit, they listen to your podcast to lighten the mood. Yeah, that's kind of funny. That's really messed up.

Yeah, which I was like, that's fine. It literally was like we had to go into a house one time and we had our guns pulled and we had our headphones on i was like that doesn't that sounds like we'd be blamed for some shit that went down we shot this kid accidentally we were did the whole thing wrong and it's your fault for your horrid podcast yeah or it's like they get taken down and then it's like oh what were they listening to before they died oh yeah yeah they were just just just I think people listen to it just to make themselves feel better. I mean, that's the whole reason our podcast exists, is for you to go, oh, fuck, I guess I'm doing okay.

Yeah, I'm beating cancer at least. Yeah, we get people... It's dark. It's a little bit dark. I apologize. It's too Easter Sunday for cancer. I apologize. I apologize for that. I forget. You guys Easter the shit out of it, by way you guys start on week you guys started like last Wednesday and it goes tell it goes to Nick we have like eggs in the morning and then we're done by the end that's neat good for you you like it's a beautiful story he came out from the rock and then the thing happened

it was beautiful came back 40 days I don't know a lot about the Bible but I do teach a theology class not our story just so you know that's that didn't happen in Australia so Oh, it didn't? No, no, no. Oh, Jesus is not from Australia? No, no, no. Because somebody was going to take me to Lazarus' tomb tomorrow. It's just a frozen yogurt place. I'm really... I'm not a very good tourist. I haven't done a lot of research.

Also, I'm not sure... It might have just been this... I'm not sure it was a guy. Anyway. We had... We had people hit us up a bit saying they were playing our show. Who was it? Someone told us they had the podcast on a speaker in a hospital or something. Oh, yeah. And it was like, yeah, I had it on at work. I work in a hospital.

And then you started talking about getting jerked off on the Westgate Bridge before you kill yourself. So I had to rush and turn it off. It's like, why did you have it on in the first place? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you had it over hospital speakers. Collectively, every patient

hitting their painkillers. Oh, it's killing me! Who is that lesbian and that guy? What is going on? You know what's sad about that? That's the content of almost every podcast that exists. Yeah, I was just jerking off before I killed myself. Yeah yeah and so the west gate is kind of the local spin that we have on it

that's what differentiates that's ours okay yeah that's us yeah yeah that's the west gate that's us yeah okay all right i thought you might be interested in this story this is uh something that my girlfriend told me the other day she she was talking to a friend of hers at uni and she texted me and she goes hey do you know this guy does his name sound familiar he's a guy who does comedy in melbourne and i said no i don't know the name and she said that a friend of hers had gone on a date with him and they're on the date and they're at a pub that had like an open mic night and he goes oh i just gotta go to the toilet quickly and so he leaves and she's just sitting there by herself looking at her phone and then she turns around and he's getting announced onto the stage.

What? To do a comedy gig. So then he just does this open mic comedy gig in the middle of this first date. And once he's open, I'm like, hi, my name's Luke McGregor. Hello. And then she had to sit through an hour of that shit. I told you about that gig I had once. We were invited a date to come watch a five-minute spot I had.

And I just was trying new and it just wasn't... Everything died so badly. I didn't even get laughs for saying how badly I was going because everyone just goes, yeah, you really don't. And I had two and a half minutes in, this girl just got up and just went, I'm so sorry, and then walked out. Wow. So she walked out on your gig and your date simultaneously.

Yeah, and I texted her and she just said, I'm sorry, I couldn't. It was the worst gig. I couldn't. Okay, so my sister just went on a date, and I think it was a Tinder date, and she asked the guy to take her to the 7-Eleven to pick up some money, and then she went into the 7-Eleven,

and he texted her, I couldn't, and left her there. Oh, really? Yeah, I couldn't. That's just so fucking sad. I just can't. I can't take you back. I can't see you afterwards. I'm sorry, man.

I know you're trying to do stand-up, but I can't. I don't even know how to deal with this when you're on stage. That's so dark. It's really funny that you... Honestly, I was having this conversation with a guy last night, and he was talking about being on Tinder, and he said the girl had described herself as 5'2", and he wasn't a tall guy.

He got there, and she was 6'2"? Like, she'd lied about her own height. He wasn't a tall guy. She got there, same thing. He goes, you bought her a drink. She goes, I can't do this. And then... Oh, really?

Loped out back to her giant world and just... Ate up some high foliage or something. Holy shit. It was like you got caught in your own lies and then you shit yourself. Yeah, I can't. I can't. I can't pretend to. Someone just walked out.

She can't either. Oh, it's my girlfriend. Oh. Is this on? Is this? Can we get this on, please? Do you know, McGregor, you said that when I was starting out, a girl came to one of my gigs.

I did a spot. She stayed, but then afterwards, she just goes, oh, so I've got some notes for you. Oh, really? Oh, all right. Seriously, she rattled off notes and points. She's like, you should do this, this, and this. And I go, really?

I've got a point for you. Fuck off. What did she say? Were they terrible examples? Sound more like Husey, if you can. Oh, what the fuck? Oh, fuck. What is this shit about?

Get out! Get out! We don't want your comments! What just happened? We just had the whole front row walk out. Get out. All of you. Get out. What? We just had the whole front row walk out. Anyone else want to be a fucking hero? Get out, all of you. Jesus, McGregor, were you dating all four of them?

What was going on? Holy shit. My girlfriends. That was crazy. What happened? What the fuck? What just happened? That was hilarious. You know what?

What happened? You said you were going to a show. What show? Were they aware that they are in one? Here's the thing. It's not like they didn't know they had to go to a show. Even if they did, they're like, well, let's sit in the front. So that when we leave, it'll be fucking weird as shit.

I want to leave, but let's not sit near the door. Let's see if we can get on stage and then leave. This is running perfectly to time so far. Yeah. They walked into a spotlight to walk out. You know what's great? This is actually like a live podcast. Like, they've just taken their earbuds out.

Like, I've got to go to work. Sorry. I'll get back to that later. Yeah, well, now everyone at home's punished. We're not uploading the last 20 minutes of this. Just to spite those girls. We're going to go to work so I'll get back to that later we're just going to be poor everyone at home is punished we're not uploading the last 20 minutes of this just to spite those girls we're going to cut them

Lisa's not going to throw us we're not going to see some four empty oh hang on just 20 minutes of reminders they look a bit more comfortable than what we've got going on you do it from there

yeah I'll do it from there I don't think the calls will reach but if yours does go for it well mine does yeah cool No, I don't think the cords will reach. But if yours does, go for it. Well, mine does. Yeah.

Cool. Well, this is the weird thing. One of those girls bought us Easter eggs at the start of the gig. Was that the one that left? So he gives us a gift at the start and then fucks off midway through. Saucy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a nice move. That's a power move.

Wow, I never knew this is what this looked like. I wouldn't fucking pay for this. Shut up, Dickie Nee. Oh, wait. Get fucked, Mr. Summers. Mr. Allsop, Mr. Allsop. Very confusing for Greg, by the way. That's all right.

I'm just staring. And Greg, how quickly did Chandler turn from performer to just smug cunt in the audience? He's just sitting there with his arms crossed, like, be funny, guys. This is my dream. I've literally thought about the idea of going interstate to do gigs at places that don't know me.

Hey, mate, shut up. I don't come into your workplace and knock the dicks out of your mouth. Have some fucking respect for show business. Like, we're up here and you're in there, cunt. Well, you shouldn't have given the audience a mic, you dumb cunt. Yeah. Mystery Science Dumb Cunt 3000. Yeah, good one. yeah mystery science dumb cunt 3000

yeah good one oh fuck this no no I mean it's it's it's one thing

to walk strangers but when you walk the co-host man shit's going down man I've always known Chandler's a cynical prick but to walk strangers, but when you walk the co-host, man, shit's going down. Man, I've always known Chandler's a cynical prick, but to walk out of your own show... That's enough. Hey, I've just beaten everyone to it. That's my new spin-off podcast, Walking the Host.

I like it. This is next year's show. I was doing a live podcast and I walked out on it. Let's fill it out with that shit. That is my dream. I want to go interstate to places that don't know me and literally just go to comedy gigs and just heckle people just hang open my comics I think that would be awesome competition you could do sorry you have camera the thing where

you you your job as a comedian just to go out and say anything for five minutes and then they give the tool people in the audience a mic and then for a $200 big cash prize, you just heckle for five minutes with a mic while the comedian just does whatever on stage. Really? I was one of the comedians. It was pretty brutal.

Oh, really? Yeah. But what was I had to work with? Hey, just very quickly, does anyone at the back want to come and feel it? Because fuck, this is bad. Like, it's really awful to look at. Yeah, it does.

Move on. But you have to promise not to walk out. Okay, there's one promise. Even if you have to go to the toilet. Jesus. You can't leave. So much for the theatre of podcasts, guys. You basically, anyone listening to this goes,

oh, they're shit cunts. Like, you could have just not said anything no one's the wiser let's just keep going yeah no no no I just I still sorry not to get hung up on this but I want to know what what show they were going to Oh Tommy little let's all go up there right now shit where's Kate Langbrook? Yeah. I'm late for a money fight, so I wish I could stick around, guys. Hey, guys, this is probably as good a time as any. Julia, do you want to cue the music up for... Australia's longest running...

Longest running. Best radio serial of all time. No one's ever walked out on it before. Let's see if we can get a burst. It's time for Red Dead. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry.

It's Rad Dad here and I'm here to say I'm just riding around in the Rad Dad way. Gotta watch a kid. Have we said that before? We have the script under the seats, guys, so it's like the shittest episode of Oprah ever. You're in a show. You're in a show. You're in a show. You in a show You're in a show You get to be in a

Okay We got it Craig We got it You're on Oprah This is shit A class pretending Happening right now I'm sorry

Acting exercises Jenny Red leather Oh sorry Yellow leather Landlin Your name is Lanolin Oh, we have to clear that sample now Jenny, I need your help

I'm trying to tape the world's greatest commercials tonight but I'm having trouble I've only got two VHS tapes and I've got to tape over one of them Which one, Jenny? Best of Krusty Demons or Manimal? OK, several things about that. Firstly, World's Greatest Commercials hasn't been on TV in over a decade. Secondly, you're a fucking idiot.

Well, Jenny, looks like you can teach an old dog new tricks. Just like Kane the Wonder Dog from World's Greatest Commercials. Remember him? Jenny? Jenny? Jenny? Jenny? Jenny? Jenny? Jenny? Jenny? Oh, sorry, Rad Dad. I must have switched my memory settings

to normal from old, stuck in the 90s, tragic dickhead. Also, I'm getting ready for my hot date tonight. What? Hot date? I mean, I know I'm pretty rad, but aren't you eight years old? Rad Dad, I'm 15. I was eight years old when Australia's longest-running and most reliable radio serial started.

We've been on the air for seven years now. So that would make you 23 now. For fuck's sake! You don't even need to do the maths, just listen to the words I say. I just said I'm 15. Ha-ha, you're so good at maths. Just like someone you were talking about before. Kane the Wonder Dog.

Stop bringing up Kane the fucking Wonder Dog. No one knows what that is. Well, you've picked the wrong studio audience to bag Kane the Wonder Dog in front of, Jenny. Everyone here is from Lock, Bag, Crow's Nest. Ding dong. Oh, the doorbell, that'll be him.

My hot date. I wonder who Jenny's hot date will be. Which guest would most likely be talking about a 15-year-old girl out on a date? Hello, Mr... Mr Rad Dad. Mr Rad Dad. My name's Lou McGregor, comedian and sexual athlete. Just improv.

I like how you paused just before that. Thanks, sir. I'm here to take your daughter out on a date. And also, it's worth mentioning that for the sake of this sketch and any lawyers listening, I'm playing a character that is also 15 years old. Hypothetically. Now, look, dude.

I'm obviously very protective of my little girl, Jimmy. Oh, whatever. So I need to make sure you're above board before I let you take her out. Of course. I'm very familiar with this process. I've gone on heaps of dates with girls. All the time. One time I wasn't on a date with one and Guinness put it in their book of records.

I wasn't on a date with one and Guinness put it in their book of records. Luke McGregor, intercourse champion. Okay. Well, I always ask one very important question of any male looking to squire my young, nubile, sexually awakened daughter. And that is, what are your thoughts on Kane the Wonder Dog from World's Greatest Commercials?

Are you kidding? I love that dog. When he jumped through the logo at the start of the show. So good. And when he went to work for those car rats, got me through some tough times in my life. Well, Jenny, this guy can literally do whatever he wants with your private parts. Yay!

That being said, I'm going to have to chaperone you on this date. Oh, Christ. Is it too late to move the date to the Westgate Bridge? Later, at a restaurant somewhere I have to say, Ginny, I feel like this date is going great Rad Dad's been so distracted by that autographed picture of the Police Academy stunt team From Gold Coast Movie World That we've really had a chance to connect Yeah Luke, I'm having a great time from Gold Coast Movie World, that we've really had a chance to connect. Yeah, Luke, I'm having a great time.

When we get home, I'm going to take you up to my bedroom and do whatever things are appropriate for 15-year-olds to do. I don't want to get too specific because this sketch was written by a 27-year-old man. And it'd be pretty fucked up if it became obvious that he'd spent a whole afternoon thinking about teenagers having sex. Yeah. I wrote that bit. Hey kids, don't look now, but I think that's a TV and radio star at the next table

having a quiet catch up with his friend, an American comedian and podcast star. Yes, Dad, you're right. Well, obviously the sensible thing to do is just let them be and respect their privacy. Hey, look, everyone! It's Hughie and Mark Maron! That's fucked up. That is fucked up. Hey, man, do you know that freak?

The one screaming and pointing at us wearing the crazy frog t-shirt? Oh Christ, I know that voice. He's the freak kept calling up Fox FM and doing his own prank calls to us. He'd go, is this double TFM? And we'd say no, and then he'd go, gotcha! And then still see if we'd give him free tickets to Lincoln Park. Shit. He's coming over.

Oh, goodness gracious me, Mr. Husey. How are the poppadums this evening? Yeah, yeah. For any of the lawyers at Fox FM, I'm distancing myself right now. Yeah, yeah. Hi, Rad Dad. Gotcha! It was me the whole time, not Mr Rad Dadopolis. Look, pal, Dave and I are trying to have a nice, quiet meal, so if you wouldn't mind. Sticking around and chatting to you guys? Of course I wouldn't!

Actually, Mark, my daughter's on a first date over here. Maybe you could give them some dating advice from your book, Eat, Pray, Love. That's just... That's fucked up. It's not my book, friend Okay, oh sorry The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Nope

The Bible? No way Grug Goes to the Zoo What the fuck is Grug? Look, can you stop being such a princess about whatever little pop-up book you it's called and come give my young teenage daughter some advice

her vagina is literally blooming Oh fuck Fuck Jesus It used to look like some fucked up caterpillar and now it's turning into a beautiful floating insect Jesus Christ shut up shouldn't have given away those stop talking about your dog

Please stop talking about your daughter's flying vagina. I will help her out Jenny Luke, this is Mark. It's Greg asshole, and he's gonna give you some relationship advice. Oh And he's gonna give you some relationship advice. Uh-oh. Hi, Luke. Look, I'm sure this girl's great, but you have to ask yourself, is it really worth it? I mean, what's the best-case scenario here? You date for a few years, you move in together,

you get married. What then? Children, look at your father. Do you really want to continue to this bloodline? You want to give birth to something that's going to come out of your vagina wearing a billabong?

Sun visor? Don't listen to him, Luke. I love you. It'll be worth it, I promise. Our children... Our children won't be wearing any surfing brands when they're here

to reach my vagina. I promise. Sorry, Jenny. I have to go now. It's completely unrelated to everything Greg just said. It's because I have diarrhoea. Bye, everyone. Thanks a lot, Rad Dad.

That was my one chance at true love and you ruined it for me. I'm never forgiving you, ever. Jenny, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just protective of my little girl. Old mate. What if me and Greg go for a walk and you can have a nice dinner with television heartthrob, Husey? I'm Dave Thornton, fuckhead. Oh Rad Dad, that would be the best.

Oh great, now I'm being roped into going on a date with a 15 year old. Hey man, I have to go for a walk with this asshole. He's probably gonna try and talk to me about Hoobastank or some shit. Well you're wrong there. What I want to do is pitch you an idea about a new book about dealing with a boyfriend with a small penis called, He's Just Literally Not That Into You. Goodness gracious me! What? Dad!

We write for TV. An interesting little peek behind the curtain there. I kind of wrote the guts of that and then I sent it to Carl and said, yeah, you know, just, you know, go have a look. And he said, yeah, I've made some tweaks. And the tweaks, as far as I can tell, were repeated references to 15- old vaginas so did you did any

other material get get to end with at all you're lucky I left any of your script in round of applause for these guys for handling that like absolute champions oh lordy. What do you say? Is it time for much more?

Have we got anything else too? Have you met many podcast fans yet since you've been here? Yes. They've come to every show. One person, this dude. He may be family. But the point is, yes.

There have been a lot of fans here. They've been very supportive. Do you still get the fans dressing up when they come to the show? There's a handful that still wear clown outfits, which is, I didn't, we didn't, it's fine, you know what I mean? It's just a sign that, you know, listen to another podcast. It's nice, but it's weird. It's cool.

Do you ever go to the circus and go, calm down, super fans, all right? Take it easy. They've started a circus. No, the circus was before you, Greg. No, and go, calm down, super fans, all right? Take it easy. They've started a circus. No, the circus was before you, Greg. No, no, no, no, no. We created clown pants. Well, yeah, I think that's probably it. I think we've probably got to get moving.

Before everyone walks out to go to the next show, maybe we should give you permission to do it. Guys, can we get a big round of applause for Luke McGregor, Dave Fortune, Greg Barron thank you Greg Greg you're going to be you're doing you're doing some road show

by the time people listen to this there'll be some regional stuff that they might be able to catch you in yeah I think we're starting up the

Queensland whatever that tour is I don't know names people check out your website you've got all the dates and stuff yeah it's over on gregbarrett.com yeah I have a website well you got to have one I guess we should talk about this yeah what's your strategy I get content and you guys can get t-shirts. It's a website.

Pretty fucking, pretty modern. Yeah. I guess you can also get them on your phone. Just calm down. McGregor, you're going to be in Sydney soon, doing the Sydney Comedy Festival? Yep, Sydney Comedy Festival, and I'm on OkCupid and Tinder.

That's true, isn't it? That's really true, yeah.on, OkCupid and Tinder. That's true, isn't it? That's really true, yeah. What is OkCupid? Is that just a dating website? It's just a, yeah, you just put up a profile, answer a few questions. Like some of them are like, they go, this will help us choose your search results. Would you be willing to date someone of a different race?

Yes or no? No, of course i am i gonna keep my bloodline clean yeah i'm gonna i never edit the podcast but i'm taking out everything except for that experience um but i think i'm gonna put my tour dates up on okcupid it's it's so it's they do stuff like that it's quite it's quite weird and that's just some I think I better put my tour dates up on OKCupid. They do stuff like that. It's quite weird. They ask you some strange questions, but I don't know. You've got to be in it to get married.

I don't know how to say it. Yes. I feel really bad for saying that. It was a joke, but I'm sure this bit will be left in not. Dave, you've got, of course, Box FM Breakfast every morning. Have you got shows coming up that people can check out? You know how you guys earlier in the show were talking about, like, your shows on popular demand? I've got no shows on thanks to a lazy work ethic.

So check that out, guys. Just put this shit on repeat and enjoy. Turn up to any venue and I guarantee Dave Thornton will not be there doing a show. So that's a sweet thing you can all check out. There you go, which may bolster the local comedy scene. People may tell him, go, at least that cunt's not here. Could be worse. Guys, we've got our Sydney shows May 10th and 11th at the Factory Theatre

and the live podcast on the Saturday. You can get a super pass for 50 bucks to all three. And everyone's coming to the Saturday, so people at home that are listening from Sydney, if you can come to the Sunday ones, because they're looking like they could do... Pretty grim. Not the best. At the moment, I think we have Audient.

Yeah. And they've actually got to leave halfway because they've got to go to Tommy Little's show. That's a thing that happened before. Guys, that's it for the little Dumb Dumb Club. Thank you very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you later.